Movie Review #35: The Book of Henry (2017)

 

I don't even know where to start with this movie. It's mind-blowingly terrible but in such a way that you have to see it. I watch a lot of movies and a lot of them are directed and/or by people you'd think were clinically insane, but those people make weird terrible movies on a budget of 42 dollars and a bag of half eaten Twinkies. THIS movie was made by the guy who Disney had set up to do the third Star Wars movie and written by a guy named Greg Hurwitz who seems to make popular Spy fiction. What I'm saying is that a movie this weird and insane should not be done by people like that.

I think this movie could be categorized as a coming of age story. It's what fits best I think. I mean in a normal sane coming of age story some crazy thing happens that changes the kids forever. Like the Sandlot, probably my favorite coming of age story. The new kid learns about baseball, Babe Ruth, puking after eating too much chewing Tabaco and going on a Ferris wheel ride. The main plot is that the Babe Ruth baseball his dad owned is lost and they think they can never get it back until one kid goes over there to get it back and doesn't care about the crazy stories they tell about the dog that lives in that backyard. It's a normal story that is made to feel bigger because it's a bunch of kids doing it. The Book of Henry is not normal in the slightest.

Ok, Henry is a kid who knows a lot of shit. He can do the fucking stock market, create Rube Goldberg machines and is smart as hell. He pretty much acts like an adult in a kids body and does all kinds of shit for his mom. Like her finances and shit. Anyway Henry believes that the man next door is sexually assaulting his daughter and makes up a plan to kill him. Anyway just before he can he ends up with a brain tumor and dies. Yes I'm not making any of this up and we get like one scene to set up the whole brain tumor thing before it really happens. It's uh really stupid.

So his brother gives his mom the book that he had written about all of his suspicions about the neighbor who is like the James Gordon of the movie. He's got his job. I forget what it is. His brother works at the top level of the Child Abuse place so his daughter is shit out of luck. So after reading this book she decides to go along with it and kill the neighbor. Yes, she buys a fucking sniper rifle like she's fucking Charles Bronson and not the lady from the remake of The Ring. She then is very close to taking him out but one of the Rube Goldberg machines Henry made makes he realize that he was just a kid and she shouldn't be listening to him (Oh and before I forget the neighbors stepdaughters room is in clear view. Like they could have easily taken pictures of what was happening. Like what the hell?) 

The only reason he doesn't get to turn her in for you know attempted murder is the fact that the School Principal has finally accepted that this guy is a piece of shit because of an interpretive ballet dance his stepdaughter does. I guess she interprets it as her saying she was molested so he ends up killing himself and his stepdaughter goes to live with Henry's mom and brother. 

FINAL VERDICT: This movie is really bad and you can see why Disney took away Rise of Skywalker from this guy but HOLY HOT SHIT is it an AMAZING bad movie that every single person on this planet that enjoys trainwrecks of cinema needs to see. It's weird. It's incompetent. it's like one of my blog posts made into a movie!!!! It's that bad!!! Watch it. Especially with someone who knows nothing about the movie. 

The Top 100 Sitcoms List IS A PIECE OF SHIT. Rolling Stone more like Rolling STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLES.

 

Well I think your wondering why I have an image of Rolling Stone Magazine up there, well I like to start off my blog posts with an image. It's kinda my thing I dunno, I just like the way it gets done. I chose this issue with Cyndi Lauper because I do not get the scary future and most of it makes me want to scream and run head first back into the past. I have no idea who any of the people in those magazine covers from recently are but I know Cyndi. I like Cyndi. She's a cool lady and I respect cool ladies. Anyway Rolling Stone did a whole big thing on The Top 100 Sitcoms of All Time and well I'm going to shit all over it because I feel like it. If you want to read the terrible list you can go to it right here

First off, I don't like the fact they picked several one season only shows. I'm sorry but you can't judge something like a sitcom that lasted one year. That one year could have been fantastic but the next year they could have fiddled with it and made it a whole new show. It just feels like oh what ever here's some filler. I'm sure the shows with Venus Flytrap and Principal Prickly were both great for that one season they were on but I don't think they deserve to be on a top 100 list.

Secondly, I also think shows that are still on and have been recently cancelled as in the last few years shouldn't be on the list either. What makes a sitcom stand is how it stands the test of time. No one gives a piss about Leave it to Beaver in 2021 because its dated boring horse shit, I personally think I Love Lucy still holds up after 7 fucking decades. Wait to see if these shows are still great in at least a decade before putting them on this list.

This list has too much garbage on it. Will and Grace, Roseanne, Everybody Loves Raymond, Scrubs, The Big Bang Theory, MASH, and Friends are utter dog shit. I don't give a shit how popular they were they aren't well made or entertaining. Shove them off this list. Don't even give them an honorable mention because garbage doesn't deserve that. You also now know some of my SITCOM SECRETS which is just a few shows I don't like. Fuck Zach Braff.

Also Phineas and Ferb along with Spongebob Squarepants are not sitcoms. They are not. I will die on this hill. Do better when putting stuff like this together. I refuse to ever list those as sitcoms. Ever.

I'm not knocking British Comedies but I do find it funny how many of them made the list when the episode count ends up being like 12. Lazy British jerks. GIVE US MORE OF THE FUNNY YOU BASTARDS.

I know all the TGIF sitcoms are looked down upon by tons of people and probably looked down upon by the hoity toity people at Rolling Stone but couldn't you have given one of them a pity fuck? Like just one? It's weird not seeing any of them on the list when that whole thing was so popular for a big decade for sitcoms. Strange. Oh, also they should have replaced one of the garbage shows I put in my garbage show lists or maybe SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS A NOT SITCOM with Married With Children? You know ALBERT BUNDY? Wait was his full name Albert or Alan? or did they never say? PORT CHIME IN HERE YOU SHITLOAF. Also no Munsters or Addams Family? or Mr. Ed!? Bewitched or I Dream of Jeanie, or BEVERLY HILLBILLIES. 

I know the Simpsons was going to get in the top ten and yes it deserves a top ten spot but I don't think it deserves #1. Now you can put those pitchforks down and let me explain. A tv show that is influential and amazingly done for a decade can't just SHIT ITS FUCKING PANTS FOR 20 YEARS LIKE ITS BEEN DOING. It doesn't matter how great the material from that first decade was its still SHITTING ITS PANTS FOR 20 YEARS. Give Seinfeld the top spot. At least they knew when to fucking quit.

Now thats me blathering on about a list of dumb shit. It's a bad list. Don't read it. Rolling Stone can eat my stinky hairy asshole.

The Final Episode #39: California Dreams (1992 - 1996)

 

For about four decades Saturday Morning was the place for kids to watch stuff. From all the way back in the 1950s when Howdy Doody or Captain Kangaroo or some dumb shit my dad would have watched. To the 1960s and 1970s of Filmation and Hanna Barbera to the toy commercials uh I mean the cartoons of the 1980s which just ALSO happened to have a toy line that clearly wasn't the total point of the show or anything!!! To the 1990s of Digimon and such. The end pretty much came in the early 2000s when even Bugs Bunny got cancelled after 39 damn years. The bastards didnt even let him get to year 40!! I looked it up and it was like the next week but NO you had to be jerks!

Uh, so what was Saturday Morning Cartoons like for me? Well since we had a dedicated channel to dumb shit for kids we got to watch stuff ALL day which was really damn cool. Anyway I didn't have allegiance to a channel so I would float all over the place. "Fuck that I'm not watching Cro even if the cast of Hangin' With Mr. Cooper  told me it was cool in a special behind the scenes look at the upcoming Saturday Morning stuff (remember stuff like that. I do. It was awesome)" but then again I never had allegiance in these weird wars people have over things like Marvel vs. DC (both are cool and good), Sega Vs Nintendo (I thought both were cool!) or to be a crass man Tits and Ass (I like both! and I like a pretty face! Hey I'm trying to win back the zero women who read this and I'm really bad at it) anyway I would just put on what I wanted to watch and that was pretty much that. I don't and never will understand how people will create weird little fights out of these things.

So I bring up "Saturday Morning" which usually meant "Saturday Morning Cartoons" because a good amount of the stuff made during those several decades were well cartoons. I also wanted to talk about how NBC got out of the game EARLY, like 1991 early. That was more or less due to a TV show that I'm sure every human being born after 1979 and before 1995 knows about. I'm talking about Saved by the Bell. I won't get into too huge a detail on it because I'm saving that for when I do the Final Episode of that show but it was a live action sitcom that dealt with kids in high school. That's pretty much it when you boil it down to its minimum. NBC left Saturday Mornings just to make 300 Saved by the Bell rip offs that apparently tons of people watched but I never did.

I'm going to be serious well at least as serious as I can be and say that I enjoy ripoffs and cash ins. I think it's really neat to see how people just go "hey that thing was mega popular how can we make a version just different enough so that we DONT get sued?" It makes for a lot of weird and interesting movies and stuff. I also like when a company rips itself off like my beloved Hanna Barbera. Some times it was just 8 different versions of Scooby Doo before they were like "Hey why don't we make this version of Scooby Doo a talking SHARK!? and thus Jabberjaw was born. I'm saying that rip offs and cash ins can be weirdly creative in some manner. Like when Jaws came out they were like "MAKE ANY MOVIE BUT IT HAS TO HAVE A SHARK IN IT" and you got Mako the Jaws of Death which is a really damn weird movie I should cover for this stupid blog.

I'm saying that I don't think I've ever seen a concept just totally 100% xeroxed into another thing. I mean except for that one Jaws movie that came so close ot Jaws that they couldn't even let it be seen in America but even that was more creative than California Dreams. This show is pretty much down to the bone 100% Saved by the Bell, except there's an Asian lady and a black dude. So it's a multi-cultural ripoff I guess. I was at first going to give them credit for being in a rock band but even Saved by the Bell did that first. The other thing is that I wouldn't be bothered at all by its rip off ness if it wasn't so fucking boring. Holy hot damn this show is tedious. From it's jokes to it's set up to its characters to everything. It's like no one on this show wanted to do it. Say what you want about Saved by the Bell but the actors were dedicated enough to make you give a shit. Like if someone said they hated Saved by the Bell you could understand them. If someone said they loved Saved by the Bell you could understand them. Anyone saying anything about this show you couldn't because no one gave a shit. This is a terrible paragraph that I really should re-do but I will go ahead and continue!

The Final Episode of California Dreams (no joke I typed in California Games and was like man I wish I had played that instead of watching this and I fucking hate that game) was entitled The Last Gig and came out on December 14, 1996. It is a high school based show that DOESN'T end on a Graduation episode. Now that's something original I can give the show. Anyway this episode is about them finally getting a record producer to notice them but the band is moving all over the place. to like Hawaii or New York or England for school and all kinds of stuff like that. The main guy isn't but everyone else is. He refuses to sign unless they do because he feels that they might regret it. They have a flash forward to the future and everyone realizes they are on the right path. They also think that the black guy will be the first black James Bond and I gotta tell them the future is bleak because we get 40,000 youtube videos when they decided to just add a black woman to the cast. 2021 sucks and I hate it.

Uh enough with my anger towards dummies who get angry over something. You do realize she's there to test the waters and if shes good and the public likes her she'll get her own damn movie series. Do you think they are going to just quit the damn James Bond franchise that has made them money for 83290 years for nothing? These companies still care about money. They just realized that they can get the money of black people too. Holy hot damn I need to stop thinking about these dumb jerks.

Uh anyway, back to California Dreams they tell the main guy to join up even though the record producer now wants EVERYONE but its all cleared up. They do a song. They say their good byes and I was sure we'd get like 4 or 5 minutes of wacky moments from the show like Boy Meets World did but we didn't. I'd still rather watch that Boy Meets World episode because at least I liked that show even if I wasn't over the moon about that episode. 

FINAL VERDICT: Uh this is just barely better than that episode of the Power Rangers I watched for my blog. I just thought a show as ho hum as this didn't even deserve the top spot of worst Final Episode I rewatched for this stupid blog because it was that uninteresting. Just watch Saved by the Bell and realize I won't be able to put out this many words for either Hang Time or City Guys.

Comic Review #24: Deadpool #11 (who the fuck cares when this shit came out)

 

Well portnoyd did it! He got me to read a Deadpool comic! I hope his dirty asshole is happy! I know it's dirty because he never cleans it. You gotta do that portnoyd! You see he opened up his own blog here where he wrongly and incorrectly trashed several soul touchingly good What If comics along with Namor! Namor is one of the greatest characters in the Marvel Universe and I will never listen to anyone trashing him! I love asshole jerk heroes and he's the absolute best! So now I have to correct these wrongs and talk about a comic that actually sucks shit which is why I'm talking about Deadpool.

I fucking hate the character of Deadpool. Fucking hate the son of a useless fuck. There aren't many comic book characters I actually would say I hate but Deadpool is on that short list. His LOL SO WACKY RANDOM HAHAHA comedy is the most forced LOL SO WACKY comedy ever. Absurdist wacky comedy can work but only in the right hands and not a single person who has ever written this character has done it right. Not the ones I've heard of and not the ones I know diddly fuck about like this Joe Kelly guy here. I hate Deadpool so much. It doesn't help that I hate his creator Rob Liefeld so much because he's a big dingus baby, but the reasons people like Deadpool were done by other people so I can't even blame Rob and I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT! 

I can't even take the scenes where this character is supposed to be serious well serious because there's probably a scene of him shitting his pants or talking about how he wants to fuck Bea Arthur taking place in the same damn issue. It's impossible to take anything that happens with him seriously because he's LOL IM JOKING ALL THE TIME AND IM WACKY!!!!! HAHAHAH WONDERFUL!

So what is this horseshit comic about anyway? Deadpool and Blind Al go back in time and be wacky in an old issue of Spider-Man! OH MAN DEADPOOL SAID NORMAN OSBORN HAS WEIRD HAIR WHAT A CLEVER JOKE THAT WASN'T DATED BY 30 FUCKING YEARS THE SECOND THIS BAG OF SHIT COMIC CAME OUT!

I don't want to talk about any more of this shit except that it annoyed me. I'd rather read all 7 of those What If's one hundred times in a row than read another Deadpool pile of shit comic. So port wins because I'm annoyed now. Fuck port and fuck this comic. In the ear.

FINAL VERDICT: Every single comic book character ever is better than Deadpool and every single comic book that doesn't have Deadpool in it is better than a comic with Deadpool in it. I will not be talking about any more comics with this shitty asshole fucker in them because he annoys me that much. Don't ask it won't happen. Awful. Trash. Garbage. SHIT.

The Final Episode #38: Doug (1991 - 1994)

 

Today we finally start discussing Nickelodeon. No, not the weird machines that showed small video clips that were popular in like 1892 or whenever (why did they name themselves after that anyway?). We are talking about the very popular TV station, which actually has a wild and rich history that I get to sum up in like one or two paragraphs. They started out in Columbus, Ohio on a local service called QUBE. QUBE showed all kinds of Cable TV stuff but one of the QUBE stations C-3 was Pinwheel a tv show that would become incredibly popular and pretty much started Nickelodeon in April 1st, 1979. At first it was like 12 hours of Pinwheel and before anyone knew it they had to make shows. Some of the first Nick shows were Hocus Pocus, By the Way and Video Comics. 

Nickelodeon blew up in a big way after a few first rough years. They finally got what Kids really wanted in the mid to late 1980s. In fact that's when THEY wanted to make their own cartoons and live action shows which they still do to this day (The Loud House is a fun cartoon made in todays time. Yes, this nostalgia blog is saying something from now is cool and good) The three cartoons that became the first NickToons appeared on August 11, 1991. Those three cartoons were The Ren and Stimpy Show, Rugrats and today's show Doug.

Now if you read my blog you've seen me talk about YTV all the time. That was what I guess you'd probably call Nickelodeon in Canada. YTV started in November of 1988. It pretty much started with showing all kinds of reruns and stuff for Canadian kids. However the second Nickoldeon made their own cartoons YTV pumped every single one of those over here for us to watch.  I don't think there was a single Nickelodeon cartoon (or later on Cartoon Network cartoon) that didn't end up on YTV. Oddly enough except for You Can't Do that On Television (which started as a Canadian show before becoming a Canadian-Nickelodeon joint thing I think) and Are You Afraid of the Dark (which YTV helped fund!) and Nickelodeon Guts, I don't think I remember a single one of their live action shows. I don't know if they showed up here and I just never watched them or if we just didn't think The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo was all that good.

Anyway Rugrats lasted on Nick for 32,000 years. Ren and Stimpy Show lasted until like 1996. Doug was the first of the three original NickToons to be canceled in 1994. Doug was a fun show that I enjoyed watching. Not an super must see OH MAN I MISSED THIS show but nothing I always enjoyed it when I did see it. Doug started as a kids book and most of the characters were based on people Jim Jinkins knew as a kid. I'm pretty sure this show took place in the late 1950s and early 1960s. First off Judy, Doug's sister is a beatnik. Like she's read every damn William S. Burroughs book. Roger is a greaser. Anyway Doug was a show about a kid and his every day life just trying to do the best that he can. There's not much else to say about the shows overall plot really.

The Final Episode is like most episodes in this series put two 9 minute segments into one episode. The first segment is Doug Graduates where Doug goes on and graduates from the 6th grade. They even had a graduation for them and everything. I didn't get a graduation for the 6th grade. Of course that school was K-12 for the longest time so it would have been weird. Doug is worried about how the new school would be and all kinds of stuff about graduating. He wants to talk to Principal Buttsavage (lol) about it but can't. He even ends up trying to sneak into his office during the graduation just to find Roger there and they end up talking it out. Roger mentions he was in the 6th grade for 3 years lol. Roger is a dumb ass. They realize there's nothing to be afraid of and graduate. Sadly we do not get to see what Principal Buttsavage looks like.

The second segment is called Doug's Bad Trip and no it's not about Doug taking LSD with his family, but a trip they take to Painted Gorge Rock or something like that. I can't say I was as into this one as I was in the first segment but anyway. His dad is really excited about this place but all Doug and Judy want to do is go to tourist traps, like Bug Ranch and some field a poet Judy loved used. They end up arguing and almost fucking dying in a car crash. They get stuck in the mud and Dad almost goes back to a gas station to get help. Doug tells him that they can get the car out without having to go back. It takes awhile but all four of them while Porkchop (Doug's dog) is driving the car. It turns out that they were RIGHT there at Painted Gorge Rock or whatever it's called. I've forgotten pretty much everything about this segment.

FINAL VERDICT: I think Doug Graduates deserved to be a longer than 9 minutes. I think they could have done a lot more with that idea. The second segment just feels like "Oh shit we need two of these for this episode" and put that out. Anyway, this is just for portnoyd. If he's a good boy Brand Spanking New Doug from Disney will be something I talk about in 50 or more posts. If he is a bad boy I will talk about a lot sooner. It's all up to you portnoyd.

Movie Review #34: Transformers Dark of the Moon (2011)

 

One thing that you may not know about me is that I end up watching every sequel or prequel or midquel or whatever to a movie. I'll watch every single thing in a franchise no matter how much I didn't like the other ones in said franchise. I don't know why I do this but I do. Anyway I knew I wasn't going to like this stupid movie but I watched it anyway. I think I'll start by surprising people and saying I don't blame Michael Bay for these messes. I actually like several of the movies he's done. What made the Michael Bay Transformers movies so bad was this producer whos name I forget. I think he's in all of the movies, however more people put in more money into Bumblebee which is why it has all the things that I don't like about the ones Michael Bay did. I'm going to blame that producer because Michael Bay deserves credit for some of the best action films of the 1990s like The Rock.

So you all know that I like the Transformers. I like the original G1 stuff and the Beast Wars stuff. I like the Marvel comic and I want to read the new IDW stuff but haven't gotten around to it. What I don't really like are the Live Action Transformers movies. The first one I remember thinking was somewhat enjoyable entertainment but I don't dare go back to check because wow was Revenge of the Fallen a fucking pile of shit covered ass. The fourth movie wasn't very good either but because of it I get to type this sentence: Optimus Prime kills Frasier Crane. Yes, any movie that lets me type that is something I can not deem complete shit even if it was 82 hours long and had that annoying fucker TJ Miller in it. Bumblebee was probably the best Live Action Transformers movie and was a decent piece of entertainment. The original animated movie from the 1980s is still the best Transformers movie.

So I'm going to forgo a plot synopsis because it just flew right out of my ears. I just finished this stupid movie and most if it is already forgotten. I'm just going to bitch about the shit I don't like okay. The plot was stupid anyway, they were trying to bring Cybertron to earth using Transportation Pillars or some shit. First off Shai LeBeef (I don't care enough about him to use his real name) is bothersome, annoying, obnoxious and a bad actor. I don't care if he actually acted better in any other movie because I'm pretty sure the people working on them forced him to do take after take until they got something usable. Fuck him. Secondly the fucking Transformers look like super ass. Why the hell couldn't you use the designs from the cartoon instead of having like 82 thousand characters that look similar to each other. 

I could put up with those two things maybe JUST MAYBE if the attempts at comedy in these movies weren't the most obnoxious shit imaginable. I hate them. With a passion. You know what Pauly Shore and Adam Sandler would tell you to fuck off with these jokes. I'd rather watch a marathon of The Big Bang Theory instead of these terrible terrible jokes. They are poorly written, poorly conceited and poorly acted. There is nothing funny about them and I want the writer of this movie to be shot into space and removed from every making another fucking movie.

FINAL VERDICT:     FUCK THIS MOVIE!

The Final Episode #37: Digimon Adventure

 

I think everyone when they were a child had some tv show they watched just because it was on. Even during the age of Nintendo and toys and all kinds of fancy things I'm sure there's still time for someone to watch a show they never really cared about at all. For me that show was Digimon. I guess it was tolerable enough to watch while waiting for another show to come on. This must have been in between one show and another because I'm sure I would have gone to play Nintendo. Or maybe I was just waiting for us to go to the mall or go out which we would do on most Saturdays. Honestly It's probably that now that I'm spending any time to think about it. I don't really believe I ever saw a full episode of this show because everyone else would be getting ready to go. All I know is that Digimon was a "aw fine I guess I'll watch this" show. Nothing that got me pumped up but nothing that made me terribly angry. It was just there.

Now for the people who are old geezers (hi portnoyd) that never watched Digimon and barely know what it is besides a different kind of Pokemon. Digimon is an isekai anime, which I think is what they call going into a different world or universe or something and having to live there. Digimon takes place in the Digital World where Digital Monsters (the Digimon) live. A bunch of kids are brought into the Digital World and they have an adventure to save it or something. I didn't watch enough to really know the full plot of this series just that something happens and both the Digital World and the Real World get connected and the kids have to save both worlds.

 Digimon was weird in that at least in my memory the tonal shifts would be insane. I believe in one epiosde some kid was brought back to the real world and was wondering about what was real or anything. Like wasn't even sure about his existence anymore. All I know is that it would go back to his other friends and they were fighting a Monkey Digimon that would pretend to be Elvis. I haven't seen a tonal shift that bad since the 1972 film The Last House on the Left where some teenagers get raped and murdered and their parents get violent revenge. Oh and in between scenes like that they have two wacky cops get into silly shinanagians. That's a good word that I need to use more. I get trying to use humor to ease big discussions but damn man try to that better. I could be misremembering this entire thing because remember Digimon was something I half watched while waiting to go to the Mall.

The Final Episode was titled The Fate of Two Worlds where the Digimon and the kids finally fight the big bad called Apoyolmon and wow he goes out like a punk. It's actually kinda funny how quickly this guy gets his ass kicked by the kids. Then after he's gone they realize that the Digital World is becoming reborn and all the Digimon are coming back. So does that mean the big bad is coming back? Are they gonna have to do this again in 60 years when they are all like 75 or some shit that would be hilarious now that I think about it, sadly it doesn't seem like that was a sequel series to this one. The Kids say goodbye to the Digimon and we get another pretty bland Final Episode that I can't even get two paragraphs out of.

FINAL VERDICT: I never got this show as a child and I get it even less as an adult. Just something about it never clicked with me like it did with Pokemon. I get people love this series but I just thought the creatures were cooler in Pokemon. I think this is enough anime Final Episodes for a little while but I'm sure we will come back to the land of the Rising Sun.

The Final Episode #36: Pokemon (1997 - 1998, 1998 - 1999)

 

The second I pulled that kinda sorta almost loophole about it being a different show because it has new characters and a new theme song and location out of my asshole to talk about Mighty Morphin Power Rangers I KNEW it wouldn't be long before I decided to talk about Pokémon on my little blog. I'm sure if someone wanted they could put out a great rebuttal about how my reasoning is stupid but I write this to entertain some people and mostly keep my self from going crazy(ier) during the Covid-19 horseshit that has been going on for way too long. I'm sure writing about the Final Episode of Pokémon without this silly little loophole would be impossible because they are just going to make series or shows out of the franchise. The games are still popular after 25 years. Wow I feel ancient and must watch more episodes of Murder She Wrote.

Anyway Pokémon for those who still don't know is a massive series of games where you collect all kinds of creatures and make them fight. There are several types, like Water Type, Grass Type, Fire Type and on and on and on and on. A Fire Type can beat a Grass Type but a Water Type can beat a Fire Type. Stuff like that. They fight in Gyms and have to collect 8 badges to get into the Pokémon League. You also fought against several trainers and groups like Team Rocket (who would steal peoples Pokémon. I always wanted a game where you played as them because they were awesome). The TV show is mostly the same except all the trainers were like 10 years old. Pokémon takes place in a very weird world. I could honestly see the people who didn't like it because it reminded them of cockfighting, that's at least a quasi legit reason. The people who didn't like it because Pokémon evolved can literally put their mouth to my asshole and suck the shit out of it.

Anyway I can remember the first time I ever saw Pokémon. It was like mere days after my 13th Birthday and I was going back to School very soon (my birthday lands on August 31st for anyone who cares) and I was fucking hooked from episode one. Seeing all of these creatures, some cute, some weird, some gross, and I just HAD to see more. Which creature would show up next. It was something amazing that I just HAD to catch every single episode. Pokémon, along with Dragon Ball Z and the One Saturday Morning Disney cartoons are some of the last things I was into as a kid. I mean you could probably argue that 13 was too old for something like this but every kid in my class still watched. I'm pretty sure the last Saturday Morning Cartoon I would watch was probably either Fillmore or Lloyd in Space and that was around 2002. When I was 17. Maturity was never my strong point. Probably never will be. 

Like Mighty Morphin Power Rangers my interest in Pokémon waned when they changed locations and characters and all that. I dunno, I just remember giving up when Brock left during the Orange Island Adventures which had a new theme song and everything. Maybe not playing any games past the first one (until like really recently) also helped. Like the second I found out about the game I KNEW that I had to bring my amazing Gameboy collection from five games to six. Six whole games. At least I think it was six. I don't know totally remember if I owned Super Mario Land or not. I would follow along with the game. I think that might have helped. Anyway I just know that I watched less and less when Brock left and was replaced by Tracy who I found to be less cool and fun. I miss lovesick Brock who wanted to make sweet love to every Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny (despite being like ten... I told you Pokémon takes place in a weird world) 

The Final Thanks to My Shitty Loophole Episode of Pokémon took place in 1998 if you lived in Japan and 1999 if you lived in North America (I remember feeling like it took forever for them to get new episodes in at one point but It was probably just a month. Remember being a kid when a month felt like a long time and instead of an adult when you realize a month is like over before you even have a chance to look around. I do.) and was called "The Best of Friends", well it was called that in America. Too lazy to look up the Japanese version of the name. Anyway This episode takes place during the Pokémon League, a set of about seven episodes. I didn't watch all seven episodes but I remember that he ends up befriending a kid named Richie who had his own Pokémon and that he ended up losing because Ash Ketchem is a dummy. Like a real stone dumb motherfucker. I don't give a damn if he's ten or not, he's dumb as hell. But a weirdly charming dummy.

Anyway in the penultimate episode Ash had lost the semi finals to Richie and his other Pikachu who has messy fur to make sure so you know which one is which. This episodes starts up with him moping around because he was a dumbass and put in his Charizard who NEVER FUCKING LISTENS TO HIM in. Anyway he fights with Misty and Pikachu literally shocks the shit out of everyone in the house. He then remembers Richie and goes to see how he is doing. Richie is talking to his Pokeballs and not his actual Pokémon giving them a pep talk. I don't know if that chat is somehow even getting to them or not. I do not know Pokeball technology. 

Anyway he loses to someone and he and Ash go to a nice little river and just talk to each other and talk about how disappointed they were but how they are going to train harder and become Pokemon Masters. Team Rocket shows up and tries to steal Pikachu. They dig two holes to keep Ash away while they take Ash's and Richie's Pikachus and none of the other Pokemon they own and are surprised when they escape using some Flying Pokemon. Team Rocket was funny and entertaining but they were kinda dopes too but not as dopey as Ash Ketchem. Anyway the box they had containing both Pikachus in it was somehow shock proof but the outside wasnt and it explodes sending them off screaming their catch phrase "Team Rocket is Blasting Off Again!" 

They go to the Pokemon League ending ceremony so that every trainer can walk around with their Pokemon and everyone gets a badge for getting into the Pokemon League and I'm sure some conservative thought that was bullshit or something. I dunno. Team Rocket shows up and tries to dig under the ceremony to get all the Pokemon (they at least learned something from the last time) and all they get is a weird Fireworks bomb that gets set off sending them flying yet again. The episode ends with the theme song playing (one of THE best theme songs ever and I will not hear anyone trash it. I will slap and smack you with all of my might!)  and we all wonder what adventures will happen in the next series.

FINAL VERDICT:  Thanks to my loophole I got more stuff to talk about and I love just splurting out my terrible thoughts about stuff. Pokemon was a fun show that I enjoyed watching as a teenager. I enjoyed revisiting this episode but it would not be in the top tier of Final Episodes. It's not even in the Top Tier of Best Series 1 Pokemon Episodes either. Still it was a lot more fun to watch than Mighty Morphin Power Rangers which is probably the worst  Final Episode thus far because it's so half assed. Anyway this episode also had this song playing from Pikachu's Jukebox which is really rad.

Movie Review #33: Scenes from a Mall (1991)

 

 

So I'm constantly amused by what movies get remembered and what doesn't? Sometimes something that I really don't like gets remembered by thousands of millions of people. Sometimes something I love gets forgotten and that. It's very weird. Sometimes you can have rather popular stars a pretty well known director (the director of this film did Down and Out in Beverly Hills a movie I thought was pretty good.) It's just something that interests me. You never know what's going to click with an audience but you'd think people would actually at least remember Scenes from A Mall. I don't think I've ever seen anyone talk about this movie since it's release in 1991. I used to post on JoBlo's Movie Forum and I don't think anyone mentioned it there at all, and I'm pretty sure someone mentioned every film ever made at least once on those forums. Anyway uh this big paragraph that doesn't really work now that I'm thinking about it will still stay because this movie ends up being really bad.

According to my letterboxd account I've seen 4,348 movies (some of them are short films but still) and in those 4,348 films I've seen a lot of messed up shit. I've seen just about everything taboo that some one could put into a movie to make money off said taboo. I've seen a woman throw up her intestines in a crazy ass gnarly scene in a Lucio Fulci movie. You name it, I've seen that gross ass thing or am planning on seeing that gross ass scene. Most of it does not phase me because I know it's all faked but there are a few movies that do get me. Scenes from a Mall is on that list. You'll know in one second why when you see this picture.

LOOK AT THAT! LOOK AT IT! I do NOT need to see that much of Woody Allen. Woody Allen always looked like he was 30 years older than he actually was. He always looked like any strenuous activity would cause him to croak. Hell he looked like bending over to pick up the paper would cause him to have several heart attacks. I do not and never wanted to see that much skin from him. Jesus and harold and all of the saints please wash the memory of that scene out of my mind. I know that they can't do that but I still have to ask. Anyway if I have to see his half naked body than YOU have to see his half naked body. 

Uh, here is where if this is like the first time I talk about some actors work I talk about if I like them or not. I kinda like doing this for first reviews of stuff. I dunno. Uh, Woody Allen made a few somewhat amusing films in the late 60s and early to mid 70s and then got all up his own asshole for about four decades. There's also the allegations of him you know being a molester fuck and the fact the stone cold fact that he married Mia Farrow's adopted daughter, a girl he knew back when she was like 10. That's creepy as fuck even if you believe he didn't molest his daughter (I do if you care about my opinion on this almost 30 year old crime)

As for Bette Midler, my pal and I would make all kinds of jokes about how terrible she was but I'm pretty sure at that time the only thing I had actually seen her in was The Simpsons episode she guest starred in (which she is actually pretty great in). I ended up seeing more and more movies with her in it. Like Ruthless People and Outrageous Fortune and Big Business. I dunno I like several of her movies and I think she sure as hell beats Woody "I'm gonna coast on my fame for decades" Allen.

So uh what is this movie about. Well it's about a married couple of Woody Allen and Bette Midler who end up going to a shopping mall and uh admitting they cheated with other people. Yep, that's it. Yes in fact the boring ass episode of Power Rangers where they just clearly admitted they didn't care anymore and threw shit at the wall put more effort into their plot than this 87 minute movie. They bicker and be annoying for way too long. There's also a mime. Woody Allen punches the mime in the face. That's pretty much it. It was neat to see a mall circa 1991 but that can only carry a movie so far. Okay they also have all kinds of music you don't normally see in movies like a mariachi band and barbershop quartet. That's also something. Seriously people I can only work with what I've got and this movie has less plot than fucking Grandma's Boy.

FINAL VERDICT: Some movies are sadly forgotten by the masses and some movies deserved that fate. This is probably the worst thing either of the actors did in their entire careers and when you can say that about Woody "I gave up completely in 1986 and no one noticed" Allen you know it's bad. Also Siskel and Ebert put it on their worst of 1991 list and I really don't want to agree with them. Anyway I could have made a one sentence review of this movie going "Woody Allen has a fucking pony tail in this movie. What the fuck? Jesus Christ save me" and still gotten the same point  these 80,000 words did.

The Final Episode #35: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1995 - 1996)

 

Ah let's double dip with Saban Entertainment and talk about the most popular thing they ever did, but first I figure we should talk a little about Saban Entertainment and the guys who ran it. They are two dudes from Israel who pretty much wrote every theme song to a 1980s cartoon put out by DIC (it's been a while since I mentioned them and felt like I had too!) Heathcliff? Done by them! M.A.S.K.? Them! Mysterious Cities of Gold? THEM! I heard it through the grapevine that they are not the nicest men in the world but you can be the biggest asshole in the world after you compose three killer theme songs like those!

Anyway in the 1990s they found some TV series from Japan called Super Sentai, like every one of them had Sentai in the name. This is where they get all the fighting footage from. The goofy Saved by the Bell nonsense was filmed in America. This set up was incredibly popular with us kids. This was like the biggest fucking thing that ever became a thing. This thing knocked the TMNT off their pedestal as the biggest kid thing in the universe. I loved this show and watched it all the time, even watching the 82,000 ripoffs of it. Like Superhuman Syber Squad and VR Troopers. I didn't even do that for the TMNT. I didn't watch those ripoffs. Unless you count Mummies Alive as a ripoff, I liked that one.

So you might be asking yourself "Michael, the Power Rangers are still on the air, you cant be doing a Final Episode of that shit!? Well yeah I can, kinda. Every new series takes place in a different setting, new characters and even a new name. The first series was called Mighty Morphin Power Rangers then it was Mighty Morphin Alien Rangers (for a whole 10 episodes!) then Power Rangers Zeo, then Power Rangers Turbo then Power Rangers in Space then Power Rangers Fuck Some Sweet Assholes. 

I've talked a few times about the website Jump the Shark, where people talked about where tv shows went downhill. This was the first time as a kid I could tell the quality of something just went downhill. Yeah we can joke about Power Rangers ever having quality if we want too. I just know that once characters changed from the ones that were there at the start to new characters. I think it was the Red Ranger who left first. Then I think Black, Pink and Yellow left in the movie (even though the TV show showed different reasons for them leaving, I guess they just didn't care) and I just stopped caring. I think I ended up watching the first few episodes of Power Rangers Zeo before writing it off as sucking poop or something. I was like 11 give me a damn break.

This one was hard to do because it was honestly just as boring and lame as I remembered as a kid. There's only two REAL Power Rangers in this Power Rangers episode! The other ones can go fuck goats for all I care. I'm still mad about this after more than two decades!!! Also this show technically changes it name to Mighty Morphin Alien Rangers or some shit like that. And it's pretty much a eleven part story telling how the Power Rangers go from being Power Rangers to being Power Rangers Zeo. I'll watch a two part series finale. I'll watch a 3 part series finale. I'll even watch a 5 part series finale. To get me to watch a eleven part series finale you better give me the greatest story ever told  and I'm guessing from this episode here that watching ten more episodes of this would have put me into a coma.

This episode involves Rita Repulsa's dad Joey Joe Joe Junior Repulsa coming in and taking over to destroy the Power Rangers. They plan to turn them back into children. Lord Zedd says they did this before and failed. He also later on says that he was amazed that the man actually did it. I have no idea if this plot has been revisited but I'm sure it was a lot more fun the first time around. I think they stopped caring around this time with the show and it somehow got 342 sequel series. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers is The Simpsons of children's TV. It should have ended several decades ago.

This episode ends on a cliffhanger of the Power Rangers being turned into kids and Rita and Zedd and some other monsters get turned into giants. Apparently Joey Joe Joe Jr Repulsa tells them to come back. Then the Alien Rangers come and they build a machine to turn them back into adults. That's how that concludes.  I was so bored by these new shitty Power Rangers that I didn't even bother to watch part two or three or four or five or you get where I'm going. I told you I'm not watching a 11 parter. I'm going to say that Mighty Morphin Alien Rangers is a whole new show. One that lasts 10 episodes. So I don't have to talk about it.

FINAL VERDICT: Yeah this was my least favorite Final Episode to do. I didn't really want to cop out and be like hey it's a new show but I don't get any enjoyment out of these new Power Rangers. Even though they are 26 years old now but still they are considered to be new to me at least, remember NBC told us "If You haven't seen it, It's new to you!" Uh yeah, don't watch this episode.

The Final Episode #34: Samurai Pizza Cats (1990-1991, 1993, 1996)

 

I'm pretty sure this will be the first time I talk about anything from Japan on this blog. I like those rascals from the land of the rising sun. They gave us Godzilla and Nintendo! That's worth a thousand and one kisses from a sweaty annoying white man (you know, from me). Now this will be the first anime that I will talk about but far from the last. I enjoyed watching several animes as a kid without even realizing they weren't from America. We will get to all of them I'm sure. It's not like I have anything better to do than talk about just about every TV show I can.

Samurai Pizza Cats has a pretty interesting history behind it, honestly. It was created in 1990 in Japan and then those RASCALS Saban Entertainment (you know Power Rangers) brought it to Canada and America. Apparently they didn't get the translations from Japan for whatever reason so they literally just made it all up. They did whatever the hell made them laugh and it entertained a lot of children. Making all kinds of silly jokes. Fourth wall breaking jokes especially. The theme song even makes fun of the popularity of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

So I actually tried to google how long this show lasted on YTV but like every other time I try to google that it doesn't show me. It would be really nice to know that for my dumb blogs. I like to try to get all the information I can to put in these things. Anyway the show started in 1993 (and 1996 in America). I do not know when it ended but I think it lasted a good amount of time. I remember watching this show all the time and I believe it was on for years. I could be wrong because well the smoothest liar of all is memory. Anyway I loved this silly little show as a kid and I still enjoyed watching it again as an adult.

The overall plot of the show is that The Big Cheese and Jerry Atrick (you get it, he's old) want to take over Little Tokyo (as far as I know Kurt Russell did not voice any character in this show which is a great tragedy). They come up with all kinds of schemes and scams with the help of Bad Bird and the Ninja Crows. They are usually stopped by the Samurai Pizza Cats. They call the Big Cheese the Big Cheese because I guess they thought he was a rat when he's clearly a fox in the original show. I dunno. He also sounds like Paul Lynde and I DO know why they did that. It's a fun voice to use and people enjoy it. At least I do.

The Final Episode is yet another two parter! And it's pretty wild! A comet is coming towards earth and I guess by the narration this comet means that if you see it with someone else you will marry that someone else. They pretty much mention that for some jokes. It kinda goes out of the window after that. Also the Big Cheese is finally being found out by the Princess of Little Tokyo (shes a rabbit. the Japanese fucking love rabbits) he used all the funds he stole as Prime Minister of Japan (do they have them in Japan. I don't know anything about Japanese politics) so he decides to pull out his biggest plan yet. To use the comet to get to become emperor. He creates this big old machine to pull the comet out of its trajectory and crash into Little Tokyo.

Of course the Samurai Pizza Cats (three words that will never get old typed together) end up at his base fighting the Ninja Crows and some big time Ninja Crows that I don't remember but I can't wait to rewatch this show. They all end up fighting each other but Speedy (the head Samurai Pizza Cat) gets put ahead of the Crows and the other two stay back and fight them. Speedy tries to stop the machine but has to fight Bad Bird. They make him remember that they used to be friends in my favorite joke in the episodes. It works and he becomes Good Bird. He ends up getting caught under some rocks. 

The Comet can't be stopped at this point and actually destroys Little Tokyo for the most part. So Speedy gets into the Catatonic (a giant cat robot) and goes up to destroy the Comet. It turns out that Good Bird is safe after all and they work together to destroy the comet and save the rest of Little Tokyo. Polly Ester (yes thats her name) finally reveals to Speedy that she loves him and everyone is happy. The episode has Good Bird and Speedy still arguing with each other while trying to deliver pizzas and The Big Cheese and Jerry Atric being sent to Prisoner Island where everyone the Princess doesn't like ends up.

FINAL VERDICT: I had a lot of fun revisiting this show. It's still very charming and entertaining to watch. I don't know what else to say. I wish we had gotten a release of the Famicom game over here in America. Also I watched VHS rips of this show which makes me miss VHS quality. Something so charming about that stuff. It's just pure sweet nostalgia. Anyway I hope you all have a good time and remember to love one another.

Movie Review #32: Return to Nuke Em High Vol 1 & Vol 2

 

Ahhh... Troma. You either love them as much as humanly possible or you want to squish Lloyd Kaufman's penis into a gooey mush. Personally I love Lloyd Kaufman and hope that his penis is safe all the time. Troma for the people not in the known is both in the game of movie distribution  and movie making. Lloyd Kaufman has been making movie since 1969. His first movie was some weirdo art house shit. I would actually be interested in watching it to be completely fair. He worked on several big name studios. He worked at Cannon Films before they were owned by those wild Israelis Golan-Globus. He created the Toxic Avenger. He is a cooler Jewish man than Woody Allen.

Class of Nuke Em High was probably the second Troma film I ever saw after The Toxic Avenger. I believe this was when I found Capital Video, a video store found pretty much in Downtown St. John's, Newfoundland. It had every single film you could want to rent AND was relatively close to my house. If you wanted James Bond, they had all his films. If you wanted a boring ass Woody Allen film you could find it there. You wanted wrestling videos. I'm sure they had enough to choke a horse with. They had porn just out on display. Fuck the whole putting in the back door. Leave it all hangin out. Anyway Class of Nuke 'Em High is pretty fucking amazing. Sadly Class of Nuke 'Em High Part 2 didn't have the same feel to it. I have never seen Class of Nuke 'Em High Part 3, I know I feel that I've disappointed you all with that information.

Return to Nuke 'Em High Vol 1/2  is a return to well Nuke Em High. Boy howdy they filled this movie with every damn thing you could imagine just like Troma usually does. The plot is wild and all over the place so let's get down to talking about it. Okay The Power Planet from the original movies has now been replaced with a Organic Food Factory, which puts nuclear waste (and people) into their tacos which end up turning the Glee Club into evil freaks. Anyway there's a girl with her own blog trying to take down the Organic Food Factory because of all their evil deeds. She ends up falling in love with a rich girl. They make sweet love and because of a duck rape (her pet duck was shoved in her mouth face first).

Her pet duck had radioactive goo all over him so they get turned into radioactive creatures... for like one scene. But it's a great scene! One of the girls also ends up giving birth to a duck baby because of the duck rape. I uh did not expect to be writing the words duck rape so many times even though this IS a Troma film. The owner of the Organic Food Factory ends up wanting the nuclear farts of the teenagers who ate the nuclear tacos because they keep him young. One side effect is if you don't keep getting farts you turn into a monster, which ends up happening. The owner is also played by Lloyd Kaufman and he's pretty wild. The Lloyd Kaufman monster, the lesbians, their friends and the duck who has been fully mutated into a man duck thing all congregate at Nuke 'Em High. Pretty much all of the bad guys and monsters die. 

FINAL VERDICT: If you like Troma, you will probably enjoy these two movies. More happens in them than I mention but thats a quick run down written by a lazy blogger. Anyway this movie has some stuff that I felt was funny and memorable and all that and some stuff that didn't really work at all. I know it's Troma but all those jokes about transgender people are like really outdated and boring. I don't want to start an argument of what you can and cannot joke about but if we are going to joke about everything can we at least get a new joke? I did like most of the fourth wall breaking meta jokes. Still you get to see Stan Lee, Lloyd Kaufman's wife, the original Toxic Avenger before he became the Toxic Avenger AND The Angry Video Game Nerd get stuck in a bad video game.

Movie Review #31: The Sand (2015)

 

So I'm sure you are all aware of Jaws (1975) right? That movie was such a landmark hit that it got 3 sequels and about forty two cash ins and rip-offs. A cash in and a ripoff are different things. One is just taking the same idea and doing it again this time with a different animal. Grizzly is a ripoff of Jaws. Orca is a cash in of Jaws. I love cash in and rip-offs so much and I will argue about this until you shit your pants so I will leave you alone. I've seen so many Jaws rip-offs/cash ins that I don't even know where to begin. One such cash in was Blood Beach a movie where a monster is UNDER the sand and you cant even get TO the water to get eaten! Wild shit!

Blood Beach gets a mention here because uh... The Sand (2015) is a rip-off of Blood Beach. Although it  wouldn't surprise me if the people who made this had no idea what Blood Beach even was. The only two people born past 1980 that saw that movie were me and uh.. me. Anyway this movie is about a bunch of college kids being college kids drinking and fuckin around on the the beach. two of them find a gooey ass egg and don't even think twice about moving it around. You think they'd like set that shit on fire or something. I know I would. Anyway there's 2 people stuck in a lifeguard station. 4 people stuck in a car and a poor fella stuck in a damn garbage bin. With a dick drawn on his face because well college kids.

I mentioned in a movie review on this blog, Triggered (2020) (yes that is a bad title I know), that I LOVE it when a movie takes place in a single setting. This time it's a beach where people try to find their way off the sand without getting eaten by a monster. It's weird foliocles can feel you on the beach, unless you have like shoes on or something. Which is a bad thing for the college kids stuck on the beach. I was with this movie, I liked the characters and felt bad about their plight. Honestly I don't have much bad to say about this movie except the terrible awful CGI. Holy hot shit that was bad. Very cheap. It's a shame really.

FINAL VERDICT: A fun monster movie that should be checked out. I guess that's all that needs to be said.

The Final Episode #33: Thunderbirds (1965 - 1966)

 

Do you think there are people who are like really into British things? You know how like people are really into all kinds of things from Japan. It's like that except for Britain. Do you think they argue about whats better the Tomorrow People Vs. Doctor Who. Do you think they've ever gotten into a fight because someone liked Carry on Emmanuelle or something. This just popped into my head while watching this final episode. It's a show from Britain. I could have talked about many many other better things from Ol' Britannia but I had to choose this because I just did.

Thunderbirds was a Supermarionation made by Gerry and Sylvia Anderson. They made several of these shows for British TV. Supercar, Fireball XL5 and Stringray, among others. Thunderbirds involved some seriously ugly marionettes doing all the work in the show. Seriously these are ugly as hell puppets. Usually puppets are awesome but not these douchebags. They would jump into these rockets and planes called well Thunderbirds and fight crime or some shit. I don't know I've seen one entire episode of this show and it was the last one.

Let me tell you something about me as a child. I would watch a lot of TV and yeah there were shows I didn't really like but I would end up watching them because well they were mashed in between two other shows I liked more. As long as there was a show at the other end that I liked I would watch some dumb garbage to make it to it, unlike probably other kids who would go play Nintendo or throw their Ninja Turtles at the wall. There were a few shows that I couldn't watch no matter how hard I tried and this show was one of them. I felt the marionettes were creepy as hell when I was a kid and I would watch movies like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre at like 10 years old. I know as adults we are supposed to be like OUR DAYS WERE BETTER!!! but nah kids have it better today. They don't have to watch any tv show they don't like. They can just stream anything they want.

The Final Episode of Thunderbirds was called "Give or Take a Million" from December 25th, 1966. It's a Christmas special and it might just be the most boring Christmas special of all time. It starts with the guy running the Thunderbirds who is the dad of the guys who ride all the Thunderbirds. It's a family business, that's pretty nice. Uh, he's dressed up as Santa Clause and some kid is there. He shows the kid the Thunderbird 3. For a Final Episode of the Thunderbirds, it doesn't really show them that much. 

They then talk about how the kid came to be here. It seems the Thunderbird guy and some dumbass store owner created a Christmas Rocket to send toys to a hospital for kids. It seems like a lot of work when you could get some guy to dress up as Santa Clause but what ever. Then two guys come into the Harman Store because it's connected to a bank or some shit. I don't know. They tie up the store owner and some other asshole who were dressed up as Santa Clause. Then they cut a hole into the safe and it goes on forever. It's not done in a tense manner or anything, It's just eating up time because I don't think anyone cared about the making of this stupid tv show.

Then the criminals named Scooper and Striker (he does not get the much cooler Y in his name I refuse). (I have no idea if these guys appeared more than once but holy shit do they suck ass.) They then take another eternity to fucking get the wall grabby doohickey to the other side of the wall so they don't do anything to set off the alarm. They pick up gold for another fucking eternity times infinity. I literally felt like time was going backwards and I was getting younger. It was kinda scary honestly. Then the asshole Scooper hits a pencil and it falls on the floor and they have to run off. They dress up as Santa Clause and get in the Christmas Rocket and their stupid asses get knocked out without even meeting the fucking Thunderbirds. One of the Thunderbirds were flying around waiting for the winner of someone who will spend time with the Thunderbirds.

FINAL VERDICT: I will never ever EVER understand how this show got some kind of iconic status. I fucking hated it as a child and I fucking hate it even more as an adult. This show was dull as dishwater and it got a NES game and a motion picture in 2004 made by damn Riker from Star Trek. Seriously I can get Casper. People find him sweet and cute. I don't. I find him boring as hell, but I can at least understand it. I can not understand this shows popularity. I don't know how YTV showed it for at least a decade or more. This show was ALWAYS on ALWAYS. To rub salt into my wound THIS SHOW HAD 32 EPISODES. Jesus. Fuck Thunderbirds.

Comic Review #23: The Sensational She Hulk #6-7 (1989 - 1990)

 

John Byrne is a hard fella to talk about. For a few reasons. Let's get the big one out of the way, he's kind of uh.. a jerk if we are going to put it as nice as possible. He's said a lot of pretty stupid things over the years but I don't let that hamper the work. Still I feel if you can't respect him or his work because of some of the stuff he's said I can't really stop you. That stuff happens. The second reason is that WOW did his work take a nosedive sometime in the mid 90s. He went from hit after hit in the 1970s and 1980s to some good stuff and some lame shit. Still he went from King of the Hill to "oh yeah that guy" still the work that he's done is really great and he's still a pretty great artist (I don't know if he's still got a problem with drawing children.)

Anyway It's time to regale you find folks with the history of the She Hulk. At least from 1980 to 1989. She was created by Stan Lee and John Buscema in 1980 in the pages of The Savage She Hulk #1. That series ran for two years until issue 25, those issues written by Mr. Anthony Kraft. I like his work and I like those comics. She then became an Avenger during Roger Stern's run for a little while and then after Secret Wars joined the Fantastic Four when Ben Grimm stay on the Secret Wars planet whos name I forget because I can't remember every damn thing possible. Anyway John Byrne was doing the Fantastic Four at that time and it was FANTASTIC. Get it. GET IT!

Then there was a Marvel Graphic Novel with her in it. I haven't read it but I hear it's pretty great. Anyway this leads us to The Sensational She Hulk a very tongue in cheek comic, which would break the fourth wall all the time. She would fight some of the weirder characters that were in the Marvel Universe, at least during the John Byrne issues. Despite this being called John Byrne's She Hulk by most people, he had two different runs in this book. Other people like Steve Gerber, Louise Simonson and Simon Furman of all people wrote issues of this comic. I will get to them later. I like the comedy in this book and I love goofy off the wall characters like The Headmen and the characters we will meet in this story.

This is a two part story, the first part called "Star Truck" has She Hulk as a celebrity guest at NASA, who are sending a new spaceship into the stars, called the Star Blazer. The Star Blazer is hijacked by Razorback and Taryn O'Conner. Yes I know that most people who read this don't know who they are so let's discuss them. Razorback is a trucker who is also a superhero. He wears a giant Razorback on his head. He first appeared in a very enjoyable Spider-Man story in the 1970s during the days of Smokey and the Bandit. He has this super cool truck called THE BIG PIG. This She Hulk story introduces the Big Pig II and The Big Pig III. I like the fact that I get to write THE BIG PIG this many times. It's pretty great.

She Hulk then gets help from Reed Richards who was helping NASA make sure the Star Blazer will work and he helps She Hulk get way up in space to catch the rocket. She almost catches up to the rocket but passes out because she's in space. Razorback helps her get in. Taryn O'Conner tells us the story of U.S.1 who was a trucker named Ulysses Solomon Archer which is the best superhero name of all time. Ever. I'll keep that story a secret for when I discuss his entire series but it's a hum dinger of a doozy. They get to the STAR STOP DINER and find U.S.1 space rig come flying in and BAM! It turns out Xemnu is here to cause a ruckus in part 2 called "I Have No Mouth and I Am Mean". He wants the baby of U.S.1 and Mary McGill because he wants to repopulate his planet. He gets everyone in chains using his telepathic powers. She Hulk gets free and they fight until he hits her with another telepathic attack and when she wakes up he's turning her from She Hulk to She Xemnu. Xemnu is a very hairy white monster. It's very less sexy. That much hair is never sexy. 

Of course she stops Xemnu but feels sorry for him because he's mentioned about being lonely.  Poppa Wheelie and Ma help them find a giant alien that loves to collect Teddy Bears. They give him Xemnu and it's like that Looney Tunes short with the Yeti that sounds like Lenny from Of Mice and Men and Daffy Duck. I could have just said Lenny from Of Mice and Men but I like that Yeti and wanted to mention him.

FINAL VERDICT: A really fun story that I can't wait to dig in further with this series. 60 issues and I think I've only read 9 of them. I got my work cut out for me!! 

Comic Review #22: Strange Adventures #75 (1956)

 

Now It's finally time for me to discuss the goofiest comics of all time! I've only read maybe 30 of the 244 issues of Strange Adventures but boy howdy were they something! I need every issue of this series in my collection so I may cradle them all like babies. They are that important to the betterment of our society. So you might be asking yourself this "What the hell are you on?" (Nothing but love for Strange Adventures. And PCP) and "What the hell is Strange Adventures?". Strange Adventures is a sci-fi comic book made by DC between 1950 and 1973. It became a reprint series around issue 217 for the most part. It gave some of the most famous and beloved superheroes of all time to us like Captain Comet! and the Atomic Knights, which were these guys who in a desolated nuclear future rode on giant Dalmatians. If that doesn't make you want to read every issue of Strange Adventures then I really don't know what will.

Strange Adventures #75 with the published date of December (most comics went on the stands months earlier, it was to show the news stand dealer or store they could get rid of the comic for new ones so this issue probably came out in October or something like that) Anyway everything about this comic could have been lame and terrible and I would still have told you to buy it because sweet baby Jesus look at that cover. Look at it. An Ape is threating to shoot a woman so that she will give him the books he needs to rule the world. How is that NOT the greatest thing your eyes will ever see. If you can say you've seen better than you are a giant liar and I hate you with a blinding passion.

Strange Adventures usually had 3 or 4 Adventures in each comic book story. This one has four, one of which yes is about an ape stealing books for world conquest. Sadly it does not live up to the sheer beauty of the cover. It turns out that the Gorilla is actually an Alien who has been changed into a Gorilla because the aliens were looking at earth and apparently in the past Gorillas had their own society. They send him to earth to learn about everything so that they may take over. Sadly he doesn't get there in time to meet the Gorilla society but human society. He learns about a scientist who's creating a ray that can turn Gorillas into humans. He lets himself get captured. The scientist turns him into a human and then back when he feels he needs more help with this project despite just showing that he can do it all by his own BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY CHANGED THE GORILLA BACK INTO A MAN. He gets spooked because he thinks someone who worked with him before is here to steal his contraption so he puts the writings on how to put it all back together into three books that he got from the library. The scientist then ends up getting run the fuck over because he was scared of the guy. The guy was actually thinking the scientist was gonna do evil deeds with his Gorilla-Human ray. It's all very silly. The Gorilla escapes and then gets the three books back and then gets into a car crash and dies. I'm pretty sure whoever wrote this story thought he had more than 7 pages to tell it. My version of the story would have had the Gorilla ride a giant Whale robot and wear Pirate clothes like Long John Silver. I don't know what he would have taken from Robinson Crusoe but I like my version better.

The other stories are much more fun but really won't take as much time to talk about. A retired blind nuclear physicist stops some aliens after he realizes that THEY too are blind. The aliens talk a big game about returning when all they need to survive and multiply is salt water but they end up jumping into a fresh water lake. Hilarious. The third story involves a man opening a box that was given to him by an alien. The box had a gas in it and the man and another alien have to find a bird that ate a frog that ate a butterfly that ate a pitcher plant that had become white because of the gas. So the gassy bird is found and saves 1,0500,00,0,0,00,0,00 alien lives. The last story involves a Time TV called Timearama. A scientist creates a TV that lets you see ALL OF TIME. He uses this to get his girlfriends mother to treat him better. She demands to see his ancestors and then tells him that she will never let her daughter marry him. You see she's a piece of shit rich asshole. Anyway he gets his concept stolen by a shady crook who tells him that he'll be seen as great by the rich asshole jerk by getting money. The shady jerk opens up a damn theatre to show people footage of shit like the pyramids being built. The creator guy feels that is not what he wanted his machine to be used for so he wants his machine back but the shady jerk is being a jerk. He gets the machine back from the shady jerk by improving on it so that it can see into the last 50 years and showing all the awful shit the jerk did. He then gets back at the rich piece of shit by showing her that HER ancestors were pirates and quacks!

This comic was wild. Every story was fun, even if the first one didn't live up to my expectations. Now to find an ridiculous amount of money so I can buy a copy of this comic. Also I could easily just rename this column from "Comic Reviews" to "Strange Adventures Reviews". 

Movie Review #30: Bulletproof (1996)

 

So I enjoyed Double Team (1997) a silly buddy movie. It had great action and I thought the two stars were having fun and that's what I want out of a buddy action film. Well I figured I might as well talk about a buddy movie that's not very good and that's where Bulletproof (1996) comes in. Made in the same year Adam Sandler made Happy Gilmore (1996) and is completely forgotten by just about everyone except sad losers like me who dig up turds no one cares about to talk about them on his blog.

So Damon Wayans is one of the 82,000 members of the Wayans family, and I think the only one to really get to be in several movies that didn't star all of his siblings and cousins. He was a pretty big thing in the 1990s. In Living Color (which I haven't seen but is on my list of things to see before my eyes fall out or my ears stop working or my body just gives up) Blankman, Major Payne, A Low Down Dirty Shame. He was in several motion pictures and I always enjoyed him at least in the films I've seen him in. Adam Sandler i've uh yelled about several movies made by his company Happy Madison Productions but I don't know if I've ever said what I think about him as a actor. I have fond memories of his early work, like up to Little Nicky. Those were silly fun movies that were worth watching at least I thought so at the time. He uh... started to make worse and worse film decisions sometimes actually deciding to act in a movie like Uncut Gems which I haven't seen, don't be surprised by that. 

Anyway this movie is pretty much cliched to hell and back. It involves Damon Wayans as an undercover cop who befriends Adam Sandler because he knows who does the drug dealing and shit like that in town. During a meeting it's found out that Damon Wayans is a cop and Adam Sandler accidently shoots him in the head. He ends up getting a metal plate put in his head. Adam Sandler runs off. Of course they meet up again and now they hate each other. They end up being set up by the drug dealer man played by James Caan. They end up on the road and they learn how to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AGAIN and all that stuff. They stop James Caan and everyone goes to Mexico.

The problem with this movie isn't that it's cliched, hell I liked Ernest Dickerson's Surviving the Game and that was the 8204th movie based around The Most Dangerous Game. Ernest Dickerson just doesn't seem to care here. Or there were behind the scenes troubles I don't know. Damon Wayans doesn't seem to care and neither does Adam Sandler. When actors give a damn they can make something cliched great but when they don't you are pretty bored because you've seen these clichés before many many times.

FINAL VERDICT: I don't like this movie very much but I don't know if it deserves 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. 8% is like for the worst stuff ever filmed and this is definetly not that. This is just a throwaway movie that you will forget you even seen about 25 minutes after you watch it. Despite all this it had a sequel in 2020. Of course neither Damon Wayans or Adam Sandler came back but really can you blame them? Yes I will end up watching Bulletproof 2.

The Final Episode #32: Murder She Wrote (1984 - 1996)

 

I had intended to talk about all kinds of shows on this little blog but I ended up falling down a rabbit hole of just doing sitcoms and cartoons. Mostly because I like sitcoms and cartoons, but I feel I haven't been mixing stuff up so expect to see some stuff that isn't a sitcom or a cartoon. Today I watched a YouTube video on a random Murder She Wrote episode. I highly recommend you check that YouTube channel out it's got a cute chick reviewing stuff like Murder She Wrote. I like her and her peppy commentary. Anyway I was like "Woah, I should talk about the Final Episode of Murder She Wrote!" and here we are! Every time in history has problems but I'm glad to live in a time where I can be like woah I should watch that show and have a good 96% chance of finding that show. It's pretty cool.

Murder She Wrote the favorite show of every person over the age of 55 appeared on television in 1984 on CBS. It ended in 1996 after 12 seasons and 264 episodes. Yes. That's right 264 episodes of Murder and Mystery. This show I'm assuming killed someone in every episode so it has a bigger body count than both the Friday the 13th series of films AND the Nightmare On Elm Street Films. Maybe old people are grislier than we all thought.

Murder She Wrote was a show I uh never watched as a kid so I have no real nostalgia for it. The closest I've come to Murder She Wrote was my dad thinking an older friend of the family liked watching it but it was really a show with Raymond Burr in it. That's my old man the only human being in the history of this world of ours that could confuse Raymond Burr and Angela Lansbury. Oh, and the gang of hooligans I talk to online once edited the episodes pages to make an fake episode that starred us. It amused us in the moment and probably made a joyless fuck on Wikipedia really made.

maybe I'm just decades older than I look and feel but I actually really enjoyed the Final Episode of Murder She Wrote. Maybe I should go play bridge with the old people at the old peoples home. I probably won't do that until I end up talking about the Final Episode of Matlock. This episode involves the MURDER of a guy named Russ Connor. He worked at a Radio Station that was moving from classical music to rock music. He worked with his friends TT Baines (a disc jockey) and Lauren. They would con radio stations somehow. I dunno, show doesn't really get into it but it involved Lauren making the old ass owners fall for her. 

David Ogden Stiers, beautiful sweet David Ogden Stiers is framed for the crime, but Jessica is a friend of his and does not believe it.  Jessica Fletcher sticks by her friends. Do you think she's related to the Fletch character in Fletch? I like to think so because It amuses me greatly. Thankfully beautiful sweet David Ogden Stiers is not the killer and if it was him I would have put this episode down there with the Final Episode of Transformers. David Ogden Stiers would not hurt a fly. The other suspects include a man getting extra money from the sales lady and the sales lady. Oh and Lauren. None of that matters really because I'm gonna ruin this entire thing for you. It was TT Baines doing it for Lauren. I did actually not see that coming, I was thinking it was Lauren. You pulled the wool over my eyes, Murder She Wrote!

FINAL EPISODE: I will end up discussing Matlock and Perry Mason and become 85 years old when I wake up the next day. We will see how this works out! 

Movie Review #29: Double Team (1997)

 

No matter how hard they try they will never top the action films of the 1980s and 1990s. Today's action films just don't compare. There's probably many big reasons for this but I think the main one is probably the fact that the action heroes of today are not very charismatic (I'm not really including Superhero movies in this, I think they are now a whole new thing then your standard action films of the 1980s/1990s.) The only action movies that work these days are The Fast and the Furious because they know that one of the other secrets of 80s/90s action was to be as fucking ri-damn-diculious as you possibly could be.

Jean Claude Van Damme was probably my favorite 90s action star, along with Mr. Steven Seagal. I'm sure Twitter or the internet could come up with 5,000 reasons why I should hate them but I only loved their performances and stuff. Not like they were my best friends or anything. I just thought they were fun in movies. People need to kinda chill on thinking celebrities are their pals and that they know them. Anyway Jean Claude Van Damme started his career in 1979 at the age of 19 in some foreign film I've never seen. He worked his way up through Cannon Films (he had a cameo in damn Breakin 2!) and they gave him the lead role in Bloodsport. Then it through the roof for Van Damme for the next decade or so. He ended up in Direct to Video fare because Hollywood is a fickle place and if you don't make enough money you get thrown to the wolves. Dennis Rodman his co-star in this movie is uh a basketball player and best friend to that nutty fucker in North Korea. 

This movies plot is pretty all over the place honestly, it starts out with Van Damme finally getting to retire from being some kind of government spy or some shit.  He is then given a wife with a kid on the way. He gets brought back in for ONE FINAL JOB. The job is to take Mickey Rourke's character alive for all his juicy secrets. They end up accidently killing Mickey Rourke's 6 year old son so Rourke has a reason to be pissed but he also tries to blow up a newborn baby in a hospital, so he's not exactly a nice guy. Van Damme is considered dead and forced to live in a place called The Colony. This is a place for men too important to die and too dangerous to let leave. They work on discussing what people can do for terrorist bombings and shit. This isn't really important because who ever watched any of these movies for a plot. You watched them for the cool ass action scenes and this movie delivers those in spades.

I actually enjoyed Dennis Rodman and Van Damme in this movie. They worked well off each other and that's all I really ask for a buddy action movie from the 1990s. The best action scenes are Van Damme fighting a dude who wants to really stab Van Damme....using his foot. Yeah it's wild, but what's even wilder is the fact Van Damme HAS TO FIGHT A TIGER. A TIGER. If that doesn't make you want to see this movie then I don't know what else to say. I wish we had gotten a bit more Mickey Rourke because he's clearly having fun with his role as the bad guy.

FINAL VERDICT: The Razzies are bullshit for giving this movie the worst of the year award. Fuck you Razzies. You can eat my shit and ass. Any movie that can give us this image:

deserves every single Oscar from now until the end of cinema.