Movie Review #34: Transformers Dark of the Moon (2011)

 

One thing that you may not know about me is that I end up watching every sequel or prequel or midquel or whatever to a movie. I'll watch every single thing in a franchise no matter how much I didn't like the other ones in said franchise. I don't know why I do this but I do. Anyway I knew I wasn't going to like this stupid movie but I watched it anyway. I think I'll start by surprising people and saying I don't blame Michael Bay for these messes. I actually like several of the movies he's done. What made the Michael Bay Transformers movies so bad was this producer whos name I forget. I think he's in all of the movies, however more people put in more money into Bumblebee which is why it has all the things that I don't like about the ones Michael Bay did. I'm going to blame that producer because Michael Bay deserves credit for some of the best action films of the 1990s like The Rock.

So you all know that I like the Transformers. I like the original G1 stuff and the Beast Wars stuff. I like the Marvel comic and I want to read the new IDW stuff but haven't gotten around to it. What I don't really like are the Live Action Transformers movies. The first one I remember thinking was somewhat enjoyable entertainment but I don't dare go back to check because wow was Revenge of the Fallen a fucking pile of shit covered ass. The fourth movie wasn't very good either but because of it I get to type this sentence: Optimus Prime kills Frasier Crane. Yes, any movie that lets me type that is something I can not deem complete shit even if it was 82 hours long and had that annoying fucker TJ Miller in it. Bumblebee was probably the best Live Action Transformers movie and was a decent piece of entertainment. The original animated movie from the 1980s is still the best Transformers movie.

So I'm going to forgo a plot synopsis because it just flew right out of my ears. I just finished this stupid movie and most if it is already forgotten. I'm just going to bitch about the shit I don't like okay. The plot was stupid anyway, they were trying to bring Cybertron to earth using Transportation Pillars or some shit. First off Shai LeBeef (I don't care enough about him to use his real name) is bothersome, annoying, obnoxious and a bad actor. I don't care if he actually acted better in any other movie because I'm pretty sure the people working on them forced him to do take after take until they got something usable. Fuck him. Secondly the fucking Transformers look like super ass. Why the hell couldn't you use the designs from the cartoon instead of having like 82 thousand characters that look similar to each other. 

I could put up with those two things maybe JUST MAYBE if the attempts at comedy in these movies weren't the most obnoxious shit imaginable. I hate them. With a passion. You know what Pauly Shore and Adam Sandler would tell you to fuck off with these jokes. I'd rather watch a marathon of The Big Bang Theory instead of these terrible terrible jokes. They are poorly written, poorly conceited and poorly acted. There is nothing funny about them and I want the writer of this movie to be shot into space and removed from every making another fucking movie.

FINAL VERDICT:     FUCK THIS MOVIE!