The Final Episode #8: Beast Wars: Transformers (1996 - 1999)

 

Does it surprise you that I put out the Transformers original series "Final Episode" discussion out there so that I could end up doing this one? If it wasn't obvious it really was the reason. I had not remembered those three final episodes being so bad but I felt like doing this stuff in some kind of order,  Feels weird to just jump ahead, despite when I was getting into horror movies as a kid I rented every series out of order. I dunno, it feels better to do stuff in order now as  an adult. This is a very bad opening paragraph but that's something you must come to expect from my work.

Beast Wars: Transformers or Beasties: Transformers (as known in Canada) was a TV program that ran from September 16th, 1996 to March 7th, 1999. It's weird how memory can play tricks on you because I would have sworn to God himself that this show was longer lived AND took like a year between the third and fourth seasons, but there's no fourth season! This is Mandela Effect! I'M IN A DIFFERENT UNIVERSE! It has NOTHING to do with the fact that the smoothest liar of them all is memory. I loved this show so much as a kid this was MY Transformers. I'm sure I had seen Transformers Generation 2 episodes and enjoyed them but it wasn't something I just HAD to see. Beast Wars however was a must. This was something I would have been genuinely upset had I missed an episode of.

I'm pretty sure the last time I had seen this show was probably in 2007 or around about. They would show it sometime later at night and I would keep it on as background noise, sometimes even leaving the internet to watch an episode. I think it was this and Dragon Ball Z, but I'll probably be shown tomorrow that the show was last shown in 2004 and it was in the middle of the afternoon shown after Care Bears. What I'm saying is try to find a source other than your memory for something. Had you asked me yesterday I would have told you the animation was 100% dated instead of I dunno, 50%? I think the designs of the characters work pretty well in CGI still 21 years later. It's just the backgrounds and stuff like that don't. I guess they were given instructions to get the characters as good as possible because they needed to sell toys. Weirder still is that I don't even remember trying to get any of the toys at like 11 years old but man I'd love to have them now at 35. Christ I'm sad.

like Transformers and oddly enough, Full House, Beast Wars: Transformers last episode was a multi parter intitled Nemesis Part 1 and Nemesis Part 2. Megatron and the Predacons are without a base thanks to something that happened in a previous episode and Optimal Optimus (yes at this point that is what he was called) and the Maximals are trying to capture them and bring them back to Cybertron. However they find Trantulaus' lair and the big assed Nemesis ship that the original Decepitcons had and crashed there way back when (they ended up on earth 65 million years ago because of some time warp shinanagians) and well Depth Charge is the one and old Maximal that can go after them. He ends up in a fight with his hated foe Rampage and they end up blowing the shit out of each other. This somehow gives the Dinobot clone that Megatron had created using a sliver of Rampage's spark his original memories and thoughts and ideals about honor back. I'm amazed at how much of this I can still remember. It's very sad. Of course Dinobot II ends up giving the Maximals information about a ship within the ark which Rhinox then uses to CRASH INTO FUCKING NEMESIS AND WRECK MEGATRON (who for some reason had become a dragon)'S SHIT. That was fucking cool as hell to see. They get megatron tied up to the ship and fly on back to Cybertron. The past AND future are safe.

Final Verdict:  This was definitely a lot of fun to watch and Larry DiTillio (co-creator of She-Ra!) Bob Forward and Simon Furman tied a pretty nice bow to the end of this series. It's just this is a show that you kinda have to know some stuff before you went into seeing the last episode. The show built on previous stuff and all that. I had a lot of fun watching both episodes earlier (and one of them was a VHSrip, how cool was that?) and I'm excited to re-watch the entire show. However, I'd probably just recommend someone else start at the beginning. I guess those weird childhood habits of watching shit outta order are hard to break.

The Final Episode #7: Dinosaurs (1991 - 1994)

 Most sitcom endings were positive and enjoyable. I mean I say most because some end on cliffhangers that will never be resolved (I still pine for the second part of the season four finale of Duckman) and others go out of their way to be dark as hell just to make a point. Dinosaurs went dark as hell for it's final episode. Dinosaurs for those who do not know was the final thing Jim Henson really worked on before he died, having coming up with the original idea in 1988 (and people say this was a The Simpsons ripoff, and yeah they had the shorts on the Tracy Ulman Show but we all know no one cared about the Simpsons until they had their own tv show and the only thing these shows had in common were they were about a family. So If thats all that makes something a ripoff the Simpsons ripped off the Jeffersons. Yeah I'm saying it! Plus Dinosaurs didn't have 84 seasons of absolute shit that ruins the legacy of the 9 or so seasons of actually great stuff.) 

Dinosaurs may have been an idea from Jim Henson but when it finally came to TV it was created by Michael Jacobs and Bob Young. If the name Michael Jacobs sounds familiar, it's because he created Boy Meets World also for the TGIF lineup. Bob Young worked on shows of all kinds of varying quality. Working on both Family Ties and Who's the Boss?. Michael Gross is great and Tony Danza is not. I will probably end up talking about both of those shows final episodes though because why not. Anyway Dinosaurs ran from April 16, 1991 to October 19th, 1994. Despite being pretty popular the puppetry was too expensive and that's pretty much why it was cancelled. This show was very entertaining and funny. It did all kinds of comedy. Silly, slapsticky, even satire on all kinds of issues of that day. The final episode was also an issue episode. This one is about progress vs nature and how progress is not a bad thing but it shouldn't fuck nature over. They make this point by killing every member of the cast. Yes. This show ends with every character waiting to die. 

The plot of the episode is as follows, The Bunch Beetle are coming to mate so they can have children who will eat these poppy flowers that grow incredibly fast. The problem is that WeSaySo the main corporation in the Dinosaurs world that Earl works for has paved over the swamp where they mate and has been killing every Bunch Beetle they can find. So without the Bunch Beetles, The Poppy Flowers won't stop growing. Thanks to a TV interview by Charlene (who I found out today was voiced by Sally Struthers from All in the Family, wild huh. Fran's voice actor also went on to work on Arrested Development) Earl talks about how great progress is (and the joke about Microwave Toast is probably my favorite one in the episode) and is put on the head of a task force to find a way out of the poppy seeds, pretty much as a fall guy for the big corporation WeSaySo (voiced by George Jefferson, himself. Also I don't know where else to put this but Commandant Lassard also voiced a Dinosaur! Isn't that cool?)  They end up trying to posion the poppy seeds and just end up poisoning all plant life. Trying to create clouds they literally blow up volcanos and create the dark clouds that well cover up the sun. WeSaySo is happy because everyone is buying stuff to keep themselves warm. Earl ends off the episode with a poignant apology for everything. I dunno if everyone will buy it Earl but it was worth a try.

Final Verdict: I gotta hand it to any show that ends up with all the cast, main and supporting waiting to die but still actually being pretty amusing throughout is pretty great. It's very melancholy but it's definitely my favorite Final Episode that I've talked about thus far. I cannot wait to watch the rest of this show and to do a review of the entire thing.

The Final Episode #6: Full House (1987 - 1995)

 

It's time to tackle one of the shows I disliked the most as a kid. Up to this point in this series I had enjoyed all of the other shows as a kid/teen/whatever and was curious about how the last episodes of each had worked out. Full House however I loathed with a deep angry hatred which was weird because I loved every other show on TGIF. Family Matters? Urkel is my fucking hero. Boy Meets World? The guy who plays Eric is an underrated comedy genius. Dinosaurs? Hook that shit into my fucking veins. Point was I had no problem watching goofball sitcoms. Hell I watched Step By Step and that was fucking Full House with Patrick Duffy in it!

Full House started on September 22nd, 1987 and ended on May 23rd, 1995 for a total of 8 seasons. It was apart of a sub genre of sitcoms that I like to affectionately call "Boy There's A Lot of Fucking People in This Damn House, Jesus Christ" which includes The Brady Bunch, Step by Step and probably a lot more shit I can't think of right now. The last episode is a two parter. It involves a bunch of stories that pretty much lead no where but this ain't fucking Breaking Bad or something. One involves DJ trying to get a date for the Prom. One involves Stephanie trying to get a boy to notice her. One involves Uncle Joey and his best friend who just lives in the house with them because WHY THE FUCK NOT!? doing some tv show thing about weird jobs. The first episode would be about wrestling. So they have to pretend wrestle for some reason. I thought they would just ask questions about the weird job said person has not do the job with them! Damn weirdos.

The main plot really involves Michelle being a fan of horse-riding. She wants to do a contest, but Danny doesn't want her to do it until a bitchy rich woman comes by and pretty much makes him so angry that he puts her in the contest. Horse jumping or some shit. When the time comes Danny and the rich mom ruined their fun so they just decide to go off riding on some trail, which is where Michelle hits her head and you know what happens! She gets amnesia, because that's what happens when anyone in a sitcom gets hit on the head. Except they really don't try to get comedy out of it, everyone is feeling bad about this happening until she just randomly gets her memory back in a weirdo scene involving both the Olsen twins. Remember how creepy it was when gross old dudes were getting excited about them being of age? God damn that was freaky.

Final Verdict: This feels kinda lazy and thrown together but I honestly remembered the second part being a clip show and I was relieved that it wasn't so good on them for that. Of course this probably came about because they thought they were going to get a ninth season for the show but ABC stopped at the end because apparently each episode cost 1.3 million. Yet the show looked cheap as fuck. Weird. Anyway, to be honest I actually laughed at a few things in these two episodes. Not really enough to look forward to the day when I end up watching all 192 episodes to write an blog review of the show, but it was certainly a better time than either The Drew Carey Show or Transformers.

The Final Episode #5: Transformers (1984)

 

Show Title: Transformers

Show Length: September 17, 1984 to  November 11, 1987

Channel: Syndication

Creator: A whole hell of a lot of dudes.

Ah yes, The Transforming Formers....Okay that was a terrible joke. Let's start over.

Ah yes, The Transformers. I remember them well. I'm pretty sure I watched reruns of this series as a child, but I did not love them as much as other children. My love was for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and DiC cartoons, but I did enjoy whatever I caught of them. I didn't really get into loving these transforming robots (that transform into cars, then robot gorillas, then into what the hell Beast Machines was) until Beast Wars came out in 1996. Did you know that in The Great White North we called Beast Wars, Beasties? We are really fucking weird up here in Canada. Beast Wars was what made me a Transformers fan and I will definitely talk about it on this blog. Not Beast Machines though. Never Beast Machines. Ever.

Now we get to the last 3 episodes of the show. It's an epic send off to the original Transformers. Or is it just really badly done!? FIND OUT............RIGHT NOW. These episodes were entitled Rebirth Parts 1, 2 and 3. They aired I guess in November of 1987, right when I was two years old. See I'm pretty sure I saw the Generation 1 episodes all jumbled up and edited and had weird graphical shit inserted into them to make Generation 2 (yes they went the Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2 route in just editing shit and being like HEY KIDS THIS IS TOTALLY NEW)

So this story starts out with Optimus Prime and some Transformer that probably had their first appearance within this episode (Seriously this three parter shoved in so much stuff to make the kiddies go OOO I WANT THAT) and I'm pretty sure they were told to just jam as much stuff as they can into these last 3 episodes. I'm not trying to say that the Transformers cartoon wasn't like a way to sell the toys because it always was. I'm just saying that for the majority of it's run it was also a fun cartoon to watch, this is just a final quick cash grab and it's not even all that fun. It's boring as hell. 

They then steal this key that opens up the VAULT OF FORMER TRANSFORMERS. i call it that because I've already forgotten what the real name was. The Autobots steal back the Key and are chased or shot or something to another planet where these green assholes who hate all machines live (because something called the Hive controls robots that fuck with them) and they become THE HEADMASTERS, which was the lamest thing related to the Transformers. Well besides Beast Machines. The Headmasters were people who work with the Transformers by being in their heads. I'm pretty sure the guy who thought it up was high and somehow DIDN'T get fired. I don't even know where to begin with this but I watched the Transformers for the Transformers not the people. 

Then the bad green hive jerks team up with The Decepticons and Optimus Prime learns about Nebulon and where the Key is and I just can't bring myself to care. It's feels so "hey we need that Transformers script by Tomorrow" and the writer went "oh shit I forgot" and just wrote down some nonsense. I don't want to say that about David Wise of all people. Dude did some great stuff with the 1980s animation that's still fun to this day but man it fees very "oh shit I'll write this essay in homeroom before History class" to me and believe me I was bummed when I heard he had passed away earlier in March of this year.

Zaric the green hive asshole creates Scorpiknox or however you spell that name. I really don't care enough to look it up right now. This crap put me in a bad mood. Galvatron gets the key and decides to blow up the sun with plasma energy or something.  Maybe it's just my dislike of the whole Headmasters thing and all that. I really don't know but I find this to be dreadfully dull and really feels like a whole "hey we can ring 3 more episodes of this out right?" to me. They should have left it with the episode where Optimus Prime comes back at least I remember that one being enjoyable. I don't remember anything about this one. Spike does some crap and throws together something and Cybertron gets its energy back. Woo.

FINAL VERDICT:  I've only done five of these as of right now but man this has to be the worst of the shows final episdoes. Blossom was fun, so was Captain Planet. Inspector Gadget was at best okay but the problems involving that finale were problems that involved the entirety of season two. Drew Carey Show wasn't funny but the plot felt like there was a beginning, middle and end. This just feels like something that should have been worked on more, like a first draft, and maybe beg the people making you put in the Headmasters to know that they sucked and a final set of episodes shouldn't have to shoehorn them in there. Whatever problems I had with the other four shows endings at least they didn't feel like a complete and utter slog to get through. F-.

The Final Episode #3: The Drew Carey Show

 

Yes! this segment has returned and I'm gonna talk about something that ISN'T a DIC cartoon! What?! Yes that's right we are heading into situational comedy territory. Something I loved as a child and still enjoy today. New ones (at the time) old ones (just getting older) and such. Family shows, gimmick shows, it didn't matter I was on it. I was all about them and I couldn't get enough!

The Drew Carey Show was probably one of my favorites. I don't know when I became a loyal viewer but according to wikipedia I stopped watching somewhere in season 6 because what happens in the end of that season does not sound like I watched it (Drew ends up in a mental hospital), but I enjoyed the banter between the characters a lot, especially Lewis and Oswald (played by Ryan Stiles and Dietrich Bader).

The show started off as a group of friends, Drew, Kate, Oswald, and Lewis. Despite being different ages all of the characters felt like friends. Drew had a job at Winfred-Louder and his very own sitcom "enemy" Mimi who was a delightful character on her own. She even dated his crossdressing brother Steve! Man this show was pretty weird very early on wasn't it?

Now we finally get to the Finale of this show....entitled Finale which appeared on September 8th, 2004. Yep, you can tell they really put effort into that episode's title. During the last two seasons of the show, the ratings were pretty low and Drew had gotten a woman named Kellie pregnant. This lady is not very funny or talented sadly, at least in this persons opinion. Kate was a lot more spunky and fun to watch. This episode is them finally trying to get married so that their son won't end up being a bastard or born out of wedlock to put it in a more TV friendly way (isn't it weird that 16 years later I doubt most people would be all that into a plot like that. I don't even know if the people of 2004 would have cared. I would have been like eh whatever bro marry her when you want this aint 1952 no more son.

So they have a wedding reception and Michael Gross shows up as Kellie's dad. You know the dad from Family Ties and also Burt Gummer from Tremors. It's weird how he's probably had 400 other roles but I'll only remember him from those two and he tries but sadly isn't great as Kellie's dad whos angry at her mom (whos now having sex with Lewis!?) I don't know anymore. So a big old fight breaks out and Drew and Kellie leave to just go to the court room and get the whole thing done with. Some old black guy who may or may not have appeared in the later seasons drives them there (but then complains when a clearly very pregnant woman's water breaks and ruins his car. I don't think these jokes are being set up very well anymore.) 

So they go to the hospital and they try to find a priest.... only one in the building is there giving the last rights to some old guy and he promised the old guy he wouldn't leave. This scene is the only scene that got a laugh out of me if I'm being honest. A few  smiles and chuckles but only one laugh. Not great for a sitcom series finale. They then bring everyone into the room, including Kellie who's labor just goes faster and has to be brought back upstairs. The priest comes in at the very last second and marries them. Woohoo. We then get a scene of the backstage cast and crew and also people getting autographs from the cast. Kinda interesting I guess. This whole episode was only 20 minutes. Wild huh.

I'd been saving this fact for a while so here it is. All 26 episodes of the final season were released between June 4th, 2004 and September 8th, 2004. That's how much faith ABC had in the program then. I wasn't even a big TV watcher at that point, preferring to play my NES games and watch weird B-movies but it's kinda hard to enjoy 26 episodes when they are just plopped in at any old time just to burn them off, but if we are going by the quality of this episode maybe I don't want to see the rest.

Final Rating: This was not a very good final episode, but how many sitcoms can you name that were still as good in their ninth season. I'd name the Simpsons but only barely and holy hell did it get bad afterwards but thats an entirely different article. I knew I wasn't going to be loving this episode when it started with a breast cancer joke. Not exactly the greatest comedy to be trying to pull. Still it made me laugh once so I'll give it a D-

The Final Episode #2: Inspector Gadget (Gadget and the Red Rose - February 1st, 1986)

 The Final Episode #2: Inspector Gadget (Gadget and the Red Rose - February 1st, 1986)

Inspector Gadget was one of my favorite cartoons as a kid. I watched the absolute hell out of it. Like I don't want to even know how many times I watched every episode. It had to be at LEAST 50 times each. It was mostly because for the first season Nelvana, a Canadian corporation helped with the animation. So season 1 would be shown in Canada about 5820 times a day on several different channels. I still find the show to be very amusing. At least the first season. The stories of a dumbass cyborg (would you consider Gadget a cyborg?) with all kinds of well gadgets installed in his body and his niece and dog (who actually solve all the crimes) IS great fun to me!

As a kid I never knew there was a second season with 21 extra episodes... and I'm glad I never did because it would have been an incredible disappointment to me to have to watch these episodes. They aren't objectively the worst I've ever seen they just aren't as well animated, well voiced (several voice changes), have pointless new characters (we will get to him in a second) and are just not as enjoyable. Like everything was done worse for the second season which ran from 1985 to 1986.

I do remember the first time I ever saw a second season episode, it was years after I did find out there even was one... and I was excited to find said episode... I had heard from a now defunct website known as Jump the Shark (where people discuss when any random TV show Jumped the Shark) and several people within that site said the introduction of Corporal Capeman (pictured above) was when the show jumped the shark... and yeah I can't disagree with them on that. This fucker is completely useless and not funny in the slightest, just like everyone on that site said... thankfully Townsend Coleman who voiced him went on to do much better work in a lot of much better cartoons.

Anyway, this episode is really nothing to write home about. It involves Inspector Gadget actually creating a seemingly worthwhile invention (which is weird in itself because the guy is a moron, like it's the whole show!) and Dr. Claw finds out about it so he gets this old gangster out of retirement to stop Gadget's new invention with his old invention a Tommy Gun that shoots out rotten potatoes and yes the gangster has a potato pun name (it's Spuds Malone... they should have just went and called him O'Riely and had him be an Irish gangster or something), anyway this episode has Gadget chase after Brain who leads him to the real Spuds Malone and it's done in a pretty uninteresting manner. No real jokes or crazy hijinx really.

FINAL THOUGHTS: It's not going to be the worst thing I'll watch for this blog but honestly, I can't really write much more about this episode cuz it's boring, so I'll just reiterate they should have gotten more money for better animation, made some actual jokes (the gun Gadget makes runs on acidic Sour Cream and when it hits Chief Quimby he goes "Needs chives, Gadget" which WAS pretty funny I thought.. but the rest of the episode wasn't) and not had made that stupid fucking Corporal Capeman at all.

The Final Episode #1: Captain Planet (101 Mutations, May 1st 1996)

 

The Final Episode #1: Captain Planet and the Planeteers (101 Mutations - May 11, 1996)

 The Final Episode #1: Captain Planet, 101 Mutations (May 11, 1996)

Captain Planet was created by Ted Turner in 1990... an environmentalist superhero! I must say that as a kid I quite liked this show. I thought the heroes were a bunch of likable scallywags and that the villains were incredibly entertaining! and I'm glad to say that I still do! Being positive rules!

Anyway, Captain Planet ran from September 15, 1990 to May 11, 1996 for a 6 season run... I don't think I was watching during the last season because well, I found out that Captain Planet has TWO theme songs. For the final season they came out with a new theme song and it is incredibly bad. like painfully bad. I don't even know where to begin to describe it so I will link to a youtube video of it here. It will change your life, for the worse.

CAPTAIN PLANET SEASON 6 THEME CLICK AT YOUR OWN PERIL

Hopefully you haven't gouged out your eyes and can read the rest of my writing (you will probably wish you had gouged your eyes out after reading this!) We can finally get into dicussing the Final Episode of Captain Planet intitled 101 Mutations.

If you couldn't tell by that title, 101 Mutations is about Dogs! Puppy mills in fact! That's right the eco-villains (which is what they were called in the show) finally stop trying to destroy the entire planet and just try to make some money via some cruel means. Dr. Blight is the eco villain of today.

Who in the first three seasons was voiced by Meg Ryan! Yep! Ted Turner threw his weight around at the beginning of the show... then he said okay to that terrible theme song (no I will never get over it. Stop asking)

The episode starts up with Dr. Blight talking to MAL about her evil Puppy Mill scheme! MAL in the later seasons was voiced by Tim Curry! always a pleasure to hear that angelic voice of his! I like exclamation points! It then turns over to Wheeler's 10 year old cousin Joey mourning his dog Skippy at a funeral (yes a very jolly point of the episode) and Wheeler decides to bring him to get a new dog. I know that 1.) he means well and 2.) they have to get the episode on the way but who the hell decides yeah I'll go get them a NEW dog RIGHT after the old one dies. Dick move, Wheeler.

Joey then finds out where the Pet Store is getting their dogs from... DR. BLIGHTS EVIL FARM OF DEATH. No it's called Puppy by the MILLions... that's a pretty good name for something as awful as a puppy mill. Anyway he goes there, gets captured, meets a new dog friend (and befriends Dr. Blights evil dogs!) He gives them chocolate. I guess these are dogs that can have chocolate, because he gives them a lot. 

The Planeteers then find a Humane Society guy working under cover in another puppy mill (Jesus a lot of them in this one area) AND they come across Dr. Blights puppy mill and of course stop her plot. (I don't really want to end up discussing EVERY second of these episodes. I do want you all to go and check them out.) 

FINAL THOUGHTS: This was actually a pretty fun episode. Lots of nice back and forths between the charters. The bad guys are incredibly deliciously, I don't give a shit, EVIL, and it was a lot of fun to watch. It didn't end with a big epic 3 parter where all the villains come together and bring back Captain Pollution or anything but I dunno if every show needs that. This was just a regular old run of the mill adventure for the Planeteers. I kinda like how that happens sometimes (mostly because they didn't know this was the final season, probably.) Anyway, I'd check this one out!