This blog is well on hiatus.
I kinda want to try to bring back my youtube channel and work on that there.
if that doesn't work out I'll probably be back. I do want to get my silly ass thoughts and comments and jokes out there somehow. Anyway, I'll keep it all up as an archive anyway!
So enjoy the discussions of stuff and things.
Alright baby! It's time for us to review one of the goofiest and most disliked (by people who probably haven't even read it) Marvel Comics of the 1990s. It's NFL SuperPro. I didn't know that there was an appearance of NFL SuperPro before this so this isn't actually his first appearance. If this is somehow a huge hit I'll talk about more comics but to be completely fair this is not a great comic book. It's not as bad as everyone says. I'd read it again over Identity Crisis but it has some huge ass flaws within it. Anyway let's get into some of the history around this comic and one of its creators!
So the NFL comes to Marvel Comics wanting to help create a comic book hero (They own the character apparently because Robert Kirkman of the Walking Dead wanted to use the character and couldn't due to copyright and all that jazz) and make a comic about it. The only reason Fabian Nicizea wrote any issues of this comic was for free Football tickets. It was lucky that he liked Football I guess because I don't think any of Marvel's other creators wanted to work on it at all. He left after four issues and they had to go for Buzz Dixon, a guy who mostly wrote for every cartoon series in the 1980s and 1990s. Well mostly the 80s but still did some 90s stuff too. Look at his Wikipedia article here and you'll realize that Buzz was pretty awesome.
So this is a pretty simple story. We start out at a building with a sniper. NFL SuperPro shows up and has a big old speech for the guy! How they are NOT going to get Tim Pressman. However it turns out that there's another assassin! However it seems that guy killed the wrong guy! He's gets into a chase over him and we see Spider-Man! Yep it was the 1990s and if you wanted to get eyes on a new character you put him or The Punisher or Wolverine or Ghost Rider in there. Those sons of bitches sold stuff. The only problem with this is that they never actually team up and it feels Spider-Man does more stuff within the comic then the actual hero of the comic! Spider-Man feels more important to this story than NFL SuperPro but then again who would you want to write a story about NFL SuperPro or Spider-Man.
So we meet some random characters that will show up in the series. You know the non-super powered secondary cast. His pal that helps him as a Superhero and his girlfriend. We also see a flash back to how he got his powers and man I wish I had read and was talking about THAT comics instead. Anyway there's a press conference about Tim Pressman who people think is throwing games for a big jerky turd of a mob boss. He wants him kept quiet so the assassin from earlier comes back and dies when running away from Spider-Man. Dumbass forgot he was on a fuckin roof. Anyway NFL SuperPro finally fights some guys at Pressman's house. He finally did something! Anyway Tim Pressman is saved from jail because well all of these guys trying to kill him makes his assertion of how he didn't do it look pretty good and true.
FINAL VERDICT: You know I thought I would get more content out of this comic but it feels very "Yeah yeah I'll get to that after I do the stuff I care about" and that's never much fun. The art also feels rushed too. Some of it is good and other stuff just looks ugly. No one cared about this comic and thats why you get a blah comic instead of a really bad one. I might end up reading some of the issues Buzz Dixon did just to see if it gets any weirder but man this disappointed me a lot.
I should mention to you all why I chose to pick this series, It's for really 3 simple reasons. 1.) It like Darkhawk was a series I wanted to read in full. I've only read random issues of this series. Like issues 2-24 I want to say. They entertained me enough to want to see the rest. 2.) I like the talk about things that don't get as much attention from people these days. So many people bitching and moaning about how entertainment isn't good these days (I personally think it's silly to say all entertainment in an decade is either good or bad. All decades have some really awful shit.) and I'm wanting them to come here and see this. Actually I'm not wanting them to come here and see this because they will complain about wokeness and I will have to rip out what's left of my hair and I don't have a lot of that. The 3rd and Final Reason is that I've always been a fan of Vigilante fiction, in movies, tv, books whatever. I know why Vigilantes can't and shouldn't work in the real world but it's still very cathartic to see some garbage bastard who got past the wall get shot in the dick. Or maybe I'm just crazy.
So Vigilante had 50 issues, 2 annuals and the origin in The New Teen Titans. So that's 53 issues. One has already been covered so that's 52. Weird how this series went as long as Darkhawk. Anyway, this was one of DC's more expensive comics at the time. They used better paper AND This got pretty graphic and wild. This was them trying something more serious and from what I read it mostly worked. The series had two main writers, the first half was by Marv Wolfman and the second half was by Paul Kupperberg. Mr. Alan Moore, the British Rasputin wrote a two parter in the first half. I've heard the Paul Kupperberg stuff gets crazy and I can't wait to see how it goes. First though we gotta discuss the first issue of Vigilante.
Alright! Now this is a great start off for things. We start with a big gangster jerkoff named Quilt talking to a very stereotypical homosexual man. Not trying to be funny seriously, look the guy up. He's named Brand. Brand is the hitman for Quilt. He kills people and then brands them with a cow poker. Hey it's a comic book the man's gotta have a gimmick! Anyway we see Brand trying to attack a woman and her husband. He shoots Brand but he escapes and is sent to jail for not having his handgun registered. He breaks out of the court room and runs off to hurt this Quilt guy. He finds him there later even eating with the judge showing us that this guy has money to buy off judges. He doesn't go for the cop he goes for the judge! Anyway Quilt being in a comic book has a gas system in place that kills the Husband Al.
We then go to the Vigilante who is thinking about the song I am A Rock by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. I like that song. Anyway this is where we are introduced to Tersea Gomez the person who goes and gets files for him. His information gal. We also meet J.J. who is the gadgets guy. I assume he made the KICKIN' RAD motorcycle he has. Tersea gets him to talk to her friend after she mentions Quilt. He talks to her friend, the widow lady. He talks about how he won't let cops die on his watch even if they are out to get him on his drive to Quilt. These pages are the best in the book because I think Keith Pollard wanted them to stand out the best. I didn't mention him earlier but he was a great artist and it's a shame that it seems that he hasn't done any comic book work since 1996. He gets into Quilt and during a workout Quilt tells him that she stole from him. He says he will go back to her but to watch out because he still killed her husband.
Vigilante finds out The Widow left and he has to go find her. Not too hard just searching through her relatives and everything. He finds out that yes she had been blackmailing him but not for money. You see Quilt and the Widow had a son together. Al her deceased husband didn't care who the father was he just loved her. That love would now be called cuckery by some shitty people but I still think it's genuine and sweet. However Brand didn't listen to Quilt and went after the Vigilante. He finds out where he's gone and it's Coney Island. They get into a giant fight on a damn rollercoaster and well let's just say Brand won't be a reoccurring villain.
The Vigilante then goes to Quilt and Quilt is like YEAH I GOT ALL THE JUDGES BOUGHT OUT but Vigilante said that with the information in the file she stole that his own Grandmother would put him under. He also says she never intended to use it. He then says he did it all to see his son again. Tommy was what he wanted. He reaches for a gun but THE VIGILANTE IS F ASTER and BLAM Quilts fuckin dead. Man this was a fun issue. Great fight scenes. great art. A villain you want to see get shot in the ballsack (but is still more than a two dimensional character). This issue shouldn't be too hard to find in most comic stores and shouldn't be too expensive. It's worth getting for your collection!
FINAL VERDICT: I really really enjoyed this. A fun set of villains. Lot's of action.. A COOL FUCKIN MOTORCYCLE. I want to see where Adrian Chase ends up now. A great start for a series.
Game #739: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: I'm surprised that this is the first time I've talked about the Killer Tomatoes on this blog. It was a series of four silly ass comedy movies that came out around 1978 to 1992 I believe. They even had a cartoon show on fox. John Astin plays a crazy scientist in at least three of them and is the best part! I just want you to know that Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is a fun series of movies and I vaguely recall the animated series which is what this game is based on. I'm sure said series was way better than this game. It was made by Imagineering which might have made the worst platformers for the NES. I think there's like one game I kinda like from them. Not a good company. THQ published the game for them and THEY also suck wet ass. They don't even get some nice dry ass to suck. This game is awful for the same reason say Swamp Thing for the NES is awful. Stiff annoying play control. The graphics are fine, the music is fine. I don't remember too many poorly designed levels. It just the play control is like controlling a lead balloon. it's not fun.
Game #738: Swamp Thing. I think this game has the worst controls of any game on the NES. It controls like too tightly and also too loosely. It's hard to explain. It's like they wanted to see if they could go for both kinds of bad controls and they succeeded in that part. Again I actually like the music and the graphics are still good. It's just those shitty garbage play control.
Game #737: The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man: Man you'd think by 1992 that game developers would have known how to make a NES game. Like you'd think they'd have learnt from their mistakes and would be putting out stuff that's worth a fucking shit, but nope. This was the third in the trilogy of Bart Simpsons games, this time making him Bartman. I think Bartman actually appeared on the Simpsons tv show like once. I mean the Good Simpsons because I have no idea what they are doing with the beloved family these days because I cannot watch it anymore. This however is a review of the video game and not me bitching about the last two decades of a TV show (wow it's actually been more than two decades of bad Simpsons now) This is another Imagineering gem. So you know pulling off the Superhero moves that Bartman has is as easy as pie. And by pie I mean ITS FUCKING FRUSTRATING. This game somehow outdoes every other Imagineering games controls and I didn't think that was fucking possible!
Game #736: The Simpsons Bart Vs the World. Some people seem to have positive memories of these games and I don't see how that was possible. I had a copy of Bart Vs the Space Mutants (or I rented it because it was the Damn Simpsons, DAMNIT!) and I don't think it ever got played that much. The games were something I could tell were poor even back then and I'd willingly play and watch just about anything. You have the same shit controls every other piss ass Imagineering game has and I'm glad I only have like one more of there games that are unplayable to play.
Game #735: Ren and Stimpy Buckaroo$. I think this is the first time I've mentioned Ren and Stimpy on this blog too. It was a cartoon I thought was amazing as a youngster but I really don't get today as an adult. It's one of the few things I'm baffled that I liked as a kid. I saw one scene recently of Ren just ripping his gums out and wondered where the hell the joke was. It was just HEY WE ARE DOING SOMETHING GROSS and we forgot the joke but don't worry about it! This was the only Ren and Stimpy game on the NES and yes the NES was still making games in 1993. This game not only has the awful play control of every other Imagineering game but it also has awful level design AND awful weapons. Ren gets this stupid slap that you have to get right next to some bad guy to use and WOW YOU ALSO GOT HIT. THANKS ALOT YOU SHUTTERING BUG FUCKERS. Imagineering is the worst company to make games for the NES and the worst fucking thing that New Jersey ever gave the world. Fuck them in the ear with a rotten dildo. I don't know how the dildo got rotten but it did fucking hell ass shit.
Game #734: Ghostbusters: When I got my second NES in 1998 I was given this game along side like 20 others (one of them I believe was Snow Brothers! Wild huh!) and I thought it was the worst game ever made for the NES. Now I like it a little better. I think it was clear they were trying some things that I don't think they could pull off that early in the NES' lifespan. It's just the game is still really boring and also frustrating as hell. There's one segment that could have been removed all together of the driving. You hit any of the drivers in that segment and you lose money. You don't go fast enough and you lose fucking gas which you have to go off to get and THEN have to do the driving segment again. You also have to buy your equipment which is just weird. It always took too long to get the money you needed and if you were lucky enough to get into the Gozer Building it was fucking impossible to go up the stairs due to how slow the Ghostbusters moved. We got a game based on the second movie and sadly it is not much better than this one.
Game #733: Ghostbusters II: This game is a little better than the first but we are still in the section of awful horse shit. It just means this is just a tad less awful than the last game. None of the games in this section are even playable really. Unless you enjoy sadism against yourself (yes I know there an actual word for it but "sadism against yourself" is funny to me so I'mma keep on using it) This game has some awful music and some awful graphics but what really ruins it is the fact that the play control is awful. So fucking stiff and not fun. You do get to play a better driving stage than the first game but it's still very annoying.
Game #732: Mickey Mousecapade is the worst Disney game on the NES. I am a big fan of most of them so you will see them high up on this list. However I just had to throw this one in here because this is my list and I fucking hate this garbage shit game that makes me puke. The game has fine graphics and decent enough music, but what brings it down is the fact that you play as Mickey AND Minnie, if minnie dies because you messed up YOU BOTH DIE. Fuck this game right hard in it's mouse ass. Actually don't do that because it's really gross. Just don't play this game.
Game # 731: Back to the Future 2 and 3: This could have been a good game really if it was just for one thing. A fucking map secreen. You have to go all over the place collecting items via mini games and then put them back in the right area. It's a LARGE fucking map and you WILL get confused. Not to mention you have to bring them back to the right area in time. Not a bad concept, just horribly done and will leave you annoyed to fuck.
Game #730: Back to the Future: This is another game that could have been neat but really isn't. It's several dumb mini games that are not fun to play (I've never made it past the first one) that are at best Atari level. That's being nice too. I would not waste my precious time playing this game. The non-mini game stages are really boring and samey. There's also the fact that you HAVE to beat the Final Stage in one go or you lose. No matter how many lives or continues you had. That's just some mean fucking shit. So in the words of Biff Tannen this game needs to make like a tree and get outta here.
Wow. All of these games were based on a license. Huh. Wild. Anyway enjoy me yelling at some dumb games.
Alright! It's finally time to get back to Darkhawk! Hopefully I can do Darkhawk (and Vigilante reviews) among the other stuff I want to do for THE COMIC REVIEW. I don't want it to go another several months before I talk about him again but I don't want them to be the only two comics I talk about. The last time I talked about Darkhawk was in August! I need to keep some kind of list of upcoming reviews. Even if it's just for me. Anyway today we are going to discuss the fifth Darkhawk comic! There are I believe 50 regular issues and 4 annuals. We will be done with Darkhawk sometime around my 47th birthday if we are going to keep doing it at this rate. That'll be 2032. And we still won't have Flying Cars or Robot bodies but someone will have talked about every issue of an obscure comic book which really to be fair is not a good trade off.
So what happened the last time we discussed an issue of Darkhawk huh? Well he went up against his first Super powered foe of his own. That's SAVAGE STEEL. A very late 80s/early 90s character. Mostly in his design. I do like the fact that he's controlled by crooked cops. I'm sure something interesting will happen with that. We ended the last issue with Chris Powell taking off the Darkhawk mask and freaking the fuck out. So let's see what he's freaking the hell out about! And we get a cop out...he has a freak out and before we can see anything a sheet lands on his head. Okay yeah, I'm not a fan of that! Of course it's something that comics end up doing, I'm sure we will see his face but man couldn't you guys come up with a better way of keeping the suspense?
Anyway he decides to leave the house and startles the guy I believe is there to kill his mother. So that's a good thing. He then realizes he can't chase after the car but he can go to the ruins of the amusement park to talk to St. Johnny, a homeless man who said he knew the last Darkhawk. He says some cryptic shit and nothing is really accomplished! Damnit man is this gonna be something that drags on forever or what? I would have been more into "oh man whats gonna happen next?" if you actually got to see how ugly Darkhawk's face is. Anyway I guess Chris and his family go to the Museum and they are attacked by the damn hitman and after he chases after the Hitman fucking PORTAL comes out of a Portal and we get a great little fight after Darkhawk asks him some questions about him. We get to know something about Portal here which is way more than the face stuff. NO I'M NOT GOING TO LET THAT GO. The fight is really good actually. Portal has all these weapons (of course one of them is a huge fuck off 1990s comic gun but hey it looks better than how Rob Liefeld would draw it). We learn he can travel the multiverse AND is a Native America. Much more than what the face reveal. I ALREADY TOLD YOU I WON'T LET IT GO
Darkhawk pretty much ruins the HELL out of Portal's day at the end of the fight. Darkhawk was pretty much getting his ass kicked until the end of this. Yeah, Portal thinks this Darkhawk is after him so we learn a third thing about him. Portal gets his ass knocked out and Darkhawk tries to go after the Hitman who is still there in the museum like a complete idiot. Anyway he catches him but has to let him go so he can turn back into Chris Powell. Chris Powell was shot in the leg by the hitman earlier and passes out. He wakes up in the Hospital and his mother is talking about how it's just a flesh wound. We also see some Guardsmen from the Vault talking about Portal and Darkhawk. Apparently Portal fought the Avengers and I don't remember that issue at all. It had Puma AND the U-Foes who are some of my favorite obscure characters.
FINAL VERDICT: I didn't like the face reveal stuff. It just screams "oh shit I shouldnt have ended the last issue like that!" and not a good way to keep the mystery going. Still I'm interested in whats up with Portal and other Darkhawks, and I liked the fight. Not as good as the first four issues but still pretty good. I'm a little irked but still into the story. Let's hope it's not June before I tackle issue #6
So we are doing something a little bit different with the COMIC REVIEW today. Today we are REVIEWING a character! That's right! The characters comic history and everything related to them. I've decided to pick an obscurity because those guys are the most interesting to talk about. I'm sure I will do Spider-Man to talk about his wonky history throughout the past 60 years. I picked 3-D Man because If I'm being completely honest he is without a doubt the worst Marvel character I've heard of. Yeah I say Deadpool is the worst but if you were to honestly ask me I could say "Yeah I don't think 98% of the characters humor works for me but I can't deny that it somehow works for others". I legit don't see how 3-D Man could work for anyone.
Despite a cool ass cover for his first appearance by Jack Kirby he lasted a whole 3 issues in Marvel Premiere, an anthology series where different characters would appear in it. The first year or two were pretty good giving us the first appearance of Iron Fist, you know a character people actually like (but somehow I've seen people online give this guy praise.) He got an appearance in the most useless issue of the original What If? series. #8 I think. The 1950s Avengers. Yeah I love ya Roy Thomas but that doesn't work. You already took the worthwhile Golden Age characters for The Invaders. No one cares about any of those guys. One of them did help bring apart Quasar but before that he was useless and bad. I will stick up for Gorilla Man though, because he's a Gorilla and a Man. He appeared in one issue of Bill Mantlo's like at LEAST 50 issue run on the Incredible Hulk and wouldn't it surprise you to know it's probably the worst (but Bill probably wrote the best 3D Man story out there)
It wasn't the original 3D Man but in the late 1990s Kurt Busiek and George Perez started work on Avengers and they tried to update him into the character Triathlon. He was a black dude and while I remember a lot of that run I can't remember that character (who'd of guessed that he would have f ailed too?) I'm going to guess he was an ANGRY BLACK MAN which despite Kurt Busiek and George Perez being talented guys still felt unauthentic and really sad. Let actual black dudes write angry black men. I know he was related to the ongoing cult that had some kind of political power that helped them get away with a lot of stuff and the Avengers couldn't do anything. It was actually an interesting story overall but Triathlon was the worst part. Plus his name is also shit.
So why does this character suck so badly? Let's go over his powers first. He's 3 times as fast, strong and smart as a random dude! That random dude was army man Chuck Chandler. Yep. He's already weaker than most heroes AND villains in the Marvel Universe. Oh and to even come to life and fight his brother has to wear a special kind of 3D glasses that Chuck is trapped in somehow or something? I should have actually re-read his first appearance but I don't care enough to go looking for it online because it's one of the few comics from the 1970s that I got rid of. That's right. I liked 3D Man so much that I got rid of his comic. I don't feel bad about it either. I feel bad that I got rid of Hogan's Heroes and Lassie comics but I didn't give a shit about Marvel Premiere #35. He can live on the 3D PLANE OF LIFE for 3 hours thanks to those Glasses. Yeah so he can maybe figure out half of the bad guys plot before he has to go away for 24 more hours. He can see Skrulls even when disguised which yeah helps but doesn't make up for the fact the rest of his powers suck balls.
Another issue is that four of his five stories take place in the 1950s. Despite having some things within it that I enjoy I believe the 1950s was THE most boring decade of the 21st Century. Every other decade has a unique feel that can make a story work better. The 1940s can have your character punch Hitler in the dick. That's always great. The 1960s has a lot of stuff. 1900s, 1910s, 1990s, 1980s all of them work better to put your character into and are so much more interesting. Roy Thomas just picked the 1950s because that was a part of his childhood, he would have been like 10 to 19 during those years. That's it. I don't know what else to say.
Oh, and his costume is fucking hidieous. It doesn't remind me of 3D related stuff. This is a guy who should show up around Christmas called CHRISTMAS MAN. Of course I don't really have much nostalgia or care towards 3D related stuff to be fair though. When I think of Red and Green I see Christmas or Freddy Kruger. Two things that are much more entertaining than 3D Man. The final reason is the character was just two boring assholes and I doubt if he was around for 4 decades and had as many appearances as Spider-Man would he ever improve on that. He's a bag of shit and I'm glad he doesn't show up any more. He's not good enough to be good and he's not even bad enough to be hilarious. He's just boring as fuck.
FINAL RATING: If 10 is best of the best and 1 being a character played by Scott Baio. I would rate 3D Man a 2. He's better than Scott Baio. So is Deadpool. Fuck Scott Baio.
So what's up with this blog going into the new year...
Well as you can see from my last post I plan to stay away from Twitter (and also trying to lose weight) so you may end up with even more posts than usual.
I might actually try to do what I can to get more people posting here because interacting with you guys is 50% of the fun. I mean I do enjoy sitting down and watching this stuff I review (for the most part) I just would like a little bit more interaction. I guess I'll have to start posting on other blogs that still get updated these days.
I will still discuss comic books but it might just be mostly Darkhawk and Vigilante for the most part. I'd like to get those down pat.
I will still post about NES games. And Final Episodes.
And movies. I'll probably try to do them in some kind of order, like Final Episodes then NES then a movie then a comic. I say this but I'll probably just go all willy nilly like I usually do. Discuss whatever works for me at that moment.
Anyway expect a review of something very soon and enjoy New Years Day!
I talked about this comic series in the last Final Episode post about Monster By Mistake. I mentioned how I talked about this series for o...
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