Comic Review #78: 3-D Man (Reviewing A Character #1)

 

So we are doing something a little bit different with the COMIC REVIEW today. Today we are REVIEWING a character! That's right! The characters comic history and everything related to them. I've decided to pick an obscurity because those guys are the most interesting to talk about. I'm sure I will do Spider-Man to talk about his wonky history throughout the past 60 years. I picked 3-D Man because If I'm being completely honest he is without a doubt the worst Marvel character I've heard of. Yeah I say Deadpool is the worst but if you were to honestly ask me I could say "Yeah I don't think 98% of the characters humor works for me but I can't deny that it somehow works for others". I legit don't see how 3-D Man could work for anyone. 

Despite a cool ass cover for his first appearance by Jack Kirby he lasted a whole 3 issues in Marvel Premiere, an anthology series where different characters would appear in it. The first year or two were pretty good giving us the first appearance of Iron Fist, you know a character people actually like (but somehow I've seen people online give this guy praise.) He got an appearance in the most useless issue of the original What If? series.  #8 I think. The 1950s Avengers. Yeah I love ya Roy Thomas but that doesn't work. You already took the worthwhile Golden Age characters for The Invaders. No one cares about any of those guys. One of them did help bring apart Quasar but before that he was useless and bad. I will stick up for Gorilla Man though, because he's a Gorilla and a Man. He appeared in one issue of Bill Mantlo's like at LEAST 50 issue run on the Incredible Hulk and wouldn't it surprise you to know it's probably the worst (but Bill probably wrote the best 3D Man story out there) 

It wasn't the original 3D Man but in the late 1990s Kurt Busiek and George Perez started work on Avengers and they tried to update him into the character Triathlon. He was a black dude and while I remember a lot of that run I can't remember that character (who'd of guessed that he would have f ailed too?) I'm going to guess he was an ANGRY BLACK MAN which despite Kurt Busiek and George Perez being talented guys still felt unauthentic and really sad. Let actual black dudes write angry black men. I know he was related to the ongoing cult that had some kind of political power that helped them get away with a lot of stuff and the Avengers couldn't do anything. It was actually an interesting story overall but Triathlon was the worst part. Plus his name is also shit. 

So why does this character suck so badly? Let's go over his powers first. He's 3 times as fast, strong and smart as a random dude! That random dude was army man Chuck Chandler. Yep. He's already weaker than most heroes AND villains in the Marvel Universe. Oh and to even come to life and fight his brother has to wear a special kind of 3D glasses that Chuck is trapped in somehow or something? I should have actually re-read his first appearance but I don't care enough to go looking for it online because it's one of the few comics from the 1970s that I got rid of. That's right. I liked 3D Man so much that I got rid of his comic. I don't feel bad about it either. I feel bad that I got rid of Hogan's Heroes and Lassie comics but I didn't give a shit about Marvel Premiere #35. He can live on the 3D PLANE OF LIFE for 3 hours thanks to those Glasses. Yeah so he can maybe figure out half of the bad guys plot before he has to go away for 24 more hours. He can see Skrulls even when disguised which yeah helps but doesn't make up for the fact the rest of his powers suck balls.

Another issue is that four of his five stories take place in the 1950s. Despite having some things within it that I enjoy I believe the 1950s was THE most boring decade of the 21st Century. Every other decade has a unique feel that can make a story work better. The 1940s can have your character punch Hitler in the dick. That's always great. The 1960s has a lot of stuff. 1900s, 1910s, 1990s, 1980s all of them work better to put your character into and are so much more interesting. Roy Thomas just picked the 1950s because that was a part of his childhood, he would have been like 10 to 19 during those years. That's it. I don't know what else to say.

Oh, and his costume is fucking hidieous. It doesn't remind me of 3D related stuff. This is a guy who should show up around Christmas called CHRISTMAS MAN. Of course I don't really have much nostalgia or care towards 3D related stuff to be fair though. When I think of Red and Green I see Christmas or Freddy Kruger. Two things that are much more entertaining than 3D Man. The final reason is the character was just two boring assholes and I doubt if he was around for 4 decades and had as many appearances as Spider-Man would he ever improve on that. He's a bag of shit and I'm glad he doesn't show up any more. He's not good enough to be good and he's not even bad enough to be hilarious. He's just boring as fuck.

FINAL RATING: If 10 is best of the best and 1 being a character played by Scott Baio. I would rate 3D Man a 2. He's better than Scott Baio. So is Deadpool. Fuck Scott Baio.