Comic Review #57: What if #114 (1998)

 

I really should stop saying I will review this thing next in a review. It never works out well because I'm always changing my mind on what I want to review. At one point reviewing 4 DC annuals in a row sounds like a terrific idea, but then I remember another comic book and I'm like OOO I want to review that. I can't say for certain that but I believe I haven't said I'll review this show next within the Final Episode at any time so why do I do it for the Comic Review? In the week since I finished talking about Superboy Annual #2 I just didn't feel like talking about any of the Legends of the Dead Earth annuals or even Pulp Heroes. It doesn't help that I want to discuss every character I can and even back in the 1990s DC put out 82 Batman books and 68 Superman books and gave each one of them an annual. I didn't want to be like OH YEAH SUPERGIRL IS TECHINALLY A DIFFERENT CHARACTER. I mean yeah she is but you kinda want to discuss other characters and a lot of them didn't seem to get annuals. That's why I guess I decided to go with this final issue of What If?

What If was a alternative history comic created by Marvel Comics all the way back in 1977. It started with "What If Spider-Man Joined the Fantastic Four". It would tell a new story with that idea. I wish there was one called "What If Portnoyd Wasn't A Dumb Jerk?" but it would be the universe were I was wrong about pointless pop culture horse shit and I don't think I want that. Anyway that series ran for 47 issues and was generally pretty good. I've read and enjoyed most issues from that series. I believe I might be missing 5 or 6 to have a complete set. Isn't that cool?? Anyway that series was cancelled in 1984. 5 years later they decided to bring it back. From 1989 to 1998 there were 114 issues of What If? They have had one shots from time to time in the last 23 years but never brought the series back as an ongoing. I think that's a shame because I would buy the fuck out of new What If comics. I'd also buy the fuck out of new Brave and the Bold and Marvel Team Up comics but that stuff doesn't do well anymore. It's a real shame I think.

Anyway I need to discuss a little bit about the event series Secret Wars. It was Marvel's second event after Contest of Champions and was a fun little romp. I know people are all over the place on what they think of the series but I enjoyed it when I read it. Who knows if I will ever read it again for this blog or not. I've already promised 1,000 things that I have not kept track of those things either. I have never read Secret Wars II except for some of the 82 thousand tie in comics. Some of them just had the Beyonder in one panel but still had the SECRET WARS II CONTINUES IN THIS ISSUE on the cover. also Roman numerals are very cool. The plot involved a mysterious space being guy known as the Beyonder who wanted to learn about good and evil. So he takes several heroes from Marvel's backlog and several villains to fight each other. You get a good segment of the most popular heroes and baddies fighting each other. You also get lots of Doctor Doom which is always a great thing. This story is probably most well known for the fact that it brings in the symbiote that would later become Venom. If you haven't read it before I'd say give it a shot.

I had to talk about Secret Wars because the Final What If comic involves itself with it, as you can see from the cover. I'd talk about the people who made this comic but I'm pretty unfamiliar with Jay Faeber or any of the artists. So I guess we should just get into the meat of this comic. The characters have been on Battleworld for 25 years now. Most of the heroes and villains have shacked up and had children all of which are 18 or so now. Some of these are weird mixes but I dig them. I like Captain America's and Rogues daughter. But yes. There's CJ which is She-Hulk and Hawkeye. There's Sarah Rogers which is Captain America and Rogue's daughter. Firefly is the Wasp and The Human Torch. Torrent which is Storm and Wolverine's child. Oh and Thor and the Enchantress had a son named Balder who isn't worthy enough to hold the hammer, yet Sarah Rogers was! The bad guys were Gator, the son of Lizard and someone else. A lady version of the Absorbing Man (and Titania) Volcana and Molecule Man's loser son. Oh and Dr. Doom also got some from the Enchantress and they have a son named Malefactor.

So with that all out of the way let's get into this story. It starts out with Balder trying to pick up his Hammer from a place that  the heroes and villains decided to leave all their weapons down after seeing a fight between Galactus and the Beyonder destroyed them both and also Reed Richards. They have been at peace since. This doesn't work and CJ is a saucy bitch to Balder while Sarah tries to be supportive. They then go home for Balder's 18th birthday. Everyones having a good time and I guess this is the time to point out that Spider-Man has pretty much been eaten by the symbiote. Yep. You even get to see his damn skeleton when Klaw blows him up later on. It's weird how the really good to great What If comics always end up with Spider-Man being dead. Sad. Anyway we see Malefactor talk to his dad and tell him how he's going to take over this place and then earth. He thinks he kills him but really killing Dr. Doom can't be that easy.

Malefactor starts up a gang and well that's when the heroes of the piece come in. They all get ready to assemble and well end up kicking the villains ass. Except when it comes to Malefactor and Balder. Malefactor knows magic and is pretty much wiping the floor with him until ol' Poppa Doom comes in and takes Malefactor away to be spanked by the MIGHTY HAND OF DOOM. which means he's probably dead. Or will wish to be dead. They end up meeting the Hulk which they had just pretended was a boogie man of sorts that their parents had made up. Nope he's real and he's found a way out of here. The Hulk starts talking to everyone about how Thor's hammer can help them out of there. However The Watcher shows up and everyone there takes this as a sign to not do that. However the kids are like NAH THE WATCHER CAN SUCK OUR NADS and they make a doorway and leave. I don't know if they realize they may have just stuck their parents in that dimension. I dunno. Anyway they find themselves in a DAYS OF FUTURE PAST like cinereo with tons of Sentinels. However they beat the PISS out of a Sentinel easily. Like easier than the X-Men ever did. They decide to become a team and fight for peoples rights on this earth. 

This comic is pretty good but honestly I wish they had a bit more space to explore the characters a bit more. Like instead of 35 pages you made the FINAL ISSUE of a comic that ran for more than 100 issues like 60 or 70 pages. I think a bit more time with these characters would have brought this comic from pretty good to great. Still if I were organizing my What If issues by best to worst this would come up pretty high. I think the art is mostly pretty good but I don't like the way the artist draws Rogue. She's supposed to be the sexiest woman ever. A woman that makes heterosexual women go DAMN GURL. She's supposed to make gold star gays go "I might have to sleep with her". She does not look that here and I don't like that. Keep Rogue Sexy damnit!

FINAL VERDICT: A pretty good send-off to What If? A fun little story that would have worked well as an ongoing series. I would have liked to see what kind of stuff happened after this story. Sadly that didn't happen. However if I were in charge it would have.  We'd also have What If back, and team up comics, and EDITOR NOTES. like SEE issue 492 of Avengers! and Thought Balloons! That's the thing I miss the most from new comics. Not a single damn thought balloon! I don't like that at all!