TV You Forgot About #13: The Care Bears..........and More Star Trek

 

The Care Bears Family was a pretty weird show. It was a SEQUEL to the DiC series. I do not consider this series seasons 2-4 of the DiC stuff. Different animation studio = different show even if it has the same characters. Anyway They would do stuff like this 4 episode long Star Trek parody thing, then they'd do an episode about exercising. They really weren't sure what kinda audience they wanted. I do respect them though, for 8 segments they went and designed all kinds of things like the CARING STATION as pictured above, the S.S. Friendship and new designs or outfits for like all the characters. They clearly had fun with these episodes (and also the Caveman Care Bear episodes that came out after these. If you want me to talk about them just say yes, I can talk about these cuddly little bastards for days!). We have four more segments to talk about, so I think it's time to get to them.

These two are Beastly and Shreeky, who I mentioned several times in my last post. I should have you know shown you guys a picture of them there but I WAS TOO GOSH DARN EXICTED TO TALK ABOUT THE CARE BEARS TO DO SO. Anyway this episode involves Captain Brave Heart Lion feeling like he is not needed as his crew seems to know what they have to do and do it.  The Ship has Hiccups (remember this is a cartoon about colorful bears who want you to love each other) and they have to land on the nearest moon to fix it. Brave Heart Lion leaves his crew to become King of the Moon (which is also the name of this segment) after a huge mistake causes them all to get covered in pies. Brave Heart Lion finds some Moon Dots and start helping them do things like create houses for them to live in. The other Care Bears finally finish up their mission and go look for Brave Heart. They find him and he tells them he is staying to be KING OF THE MOON DOTS and then they get their doofy asses captured by Beastly and Shreeky. Brave Heart Lion comes to the rescue and realizes that his crew still needs him so he tells the Moon Dots TO KISS HIS ASS (not really. they actually build them a city because the Care Bears are NICE AND RESPECTFUL).

 Here is a dilly of a pickle that I would love to know the full story on. Look at those names, both the same first name and same last name. Women usually don't do the JUNIOR thing, that's for like dudes. I'm wondering if it was like a grandparent and a grandchild with the same name. That happens a decent enough amount I'm sure, however I looked them both up on google and only Marjorie K had anything on her which was a obituary. I mean there was an obiturary for A Marjorie E but I don't think it's the same one. There's also a lawyer in Toronto Ontario named Marjorie E. I really wish I knew more but that's that. You can find every time Frank Welker farted in 1977 but any information about Canadian animation wrtiers, animators or voice actors is scarce as shit and well we voiced the Care Bears all the damn time! It's not like Canadian voice actors didn't get into AMERICAN HO RAH FUCK YEAH EARS. Several DiC shows had Canadian voice actors! We dubbed like 42905 animes! We really should know more about these people. So, how is the episode the Marjorie's wrote? Their story involves Hugs and Tugs the little baby Care Bears, which really feels very Grandma-esque. I can see someone born in 1927 (like this Marjorie K Olmsted I found was) writing a story involving the baby cubs. Anyway they are being brought over to Grams Bear who lives on Planet ALPHA FIVE. I wanna live on Planet Alpha Five. Treat Heart Pig is being a LAZY FAT PIECE OF FATTNESS and not paying attention to her job which causes Shreeky and Beastly to be able to kidnap Hugs and Tugs. She literally is eating a giant orange and going WOW THIS TASTES LIKE AN ORANGE. Man this fat pig is a real piece of work in this episode lol. Anyway Grumpy and Brave Heart RAINBOW RESCUE BEAM down to the planet and they save Hugs and Tugs and Treat Heart learns a lesson about how not to be a lazy stupid fat pig idiot.

 

 This is the spaceship that Beastly and Shreeky fly around in. It's literally powered by Beastly riding a bike which I think is pretty amusing. I dunno go watch some Woody Allen hoity toity comedy shit if you don't agree, jerk. Anyway this episode is called Secret of the Box where they got a box from Planet A and have to bring it to Gamma One. Everyone is curious about whats in the box and well i'll tell you. It's bees. Space Bees. The worst kind. Anyway Beastly and Shreeky want the box too and try to steal it THEN the Care Bears open it up and let the Space Bees out. They get turned into a hive and the president of GAMMA ONE comes aboard via the RAINBOW RESCUE BEAM and just uses a whistle to save the day. As a kid I thought the Clown one was the worst but it's clearly this one. Sorry Thomas J. King but you would rank at the bottom. I still had some fun re-watching this though.

 The Final segment is called the Frozen Forest and it's about the CREW OF THE S.S. FRIENDSHIP having a vacation to the planet Perrywinkle. Braveheart Lion calls it things like Pompador and Periscope. It is supposed to be entirely green but they see it has become all frozen over. The entire crew just leaves the ship Via Rainbow Beams (really shouldn't they land or is the ship just on auto pilot. I assume autopilot is really good in like the year 423056 or whenever the hell this takes place. Anyway Beastly and Shreeky follow them so they can catch the Care Bears for Lord No-Heart. The dumb looking idiot alien in the picture above is the reason for all of the problems. He is freezing everything because his friend left him. That way no one can ever leave him. His name is Melvin. He freezes Bright Heart Raccoon one of the Care Bear Cousins and jaunts off. The Care Bears confront him and are like "yo moron if Cutiepie your friend cares about you she'll come back. Stop freezing shit you doe-eyed idiot" Shreeky and Beastly get the freeze ray but Cutiepie comes back and Cutiepie is well a giant fucking weird ass space dinosaur. This freaks the shit out of them so they drop the Freeze ray and it freezes them. We then see the Care Bears enjoying their vacation and everything is unfrozen, you know except Beastly and Shreeky. I guess their Star Trek versions got frozen forever.

 Within these two posts I have spent  2,941 words talking about the Care Bears. Or at least around that amount. So let's finish this up quickly. I had a good time revisiting these episodes but the first two episodes and four segments were clearly better than these last two episdoes and four segments. It's a fun cute little idea that I enjoyed talking about and I hope you did too. I clearly now have talked the most about the Care Bears then anyone else on the internet and I will claim that prize with GLEE!

TV You Forgot About #12: The Care Bears........and Star Trek?!

 

Weirdly enough this post was supposed to be something wildly different. It was the start of a new series of posts where I watch every episode of a tv show and then talk about it instead of just doing a review or discussion or whatever of it's Final Episode. I am still watching said show so you will get a new series of posts. I'm going to keep said show a surprise until it happens because that's fun. Then it was going to be a review of the comic book Civil War because It's a very popular comic book series that I've never read and I fucking hate Mark Millar so it would have been fun. Then I was like oh why not make it three comic reviews about comics in Newfoundland. The SECRET website I go to find comics (even ones I already own but don't want to go looking for) probably ended up giving me a virus so I couldn't review those three stories that revolve around Newfoundland (I would like too but I have to find said Alpha Flight issues and I'm lazy and also cheap). I then decided fuck it let's talk about the Care Bears for the third or fourth or fifth time. That's a thing everyone loves reading about right?

The reason why this post got so many changes is that it is the 500th post. Yes, that's right I wrote 500 blog posts on things like The Transformers, The Smoggies, The Jetsons, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Charles in Charge and Mama's Family. I have somehow stuck with this blog for six years now. I mean I would take random months long hiatius to this blog but I always come back to it, hell I wish I had started it sooner. It's just calming to post some random crap and talk about whatever you want without having some stupid twitter like idiot coming around here. I have portnoyd like idiots around here!!! A HIGHER STANDARD OF IDIOT THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I figured that I would discuss when Star Trek and the Care Bears collided. I should also mention that I have seen very little Star Trek and would call it gay as a child whenever my dad was watching it. However when I was a child something I would not call gay were the Care Bears. I have never made any sense. In the insuing decades I've seen most of the Star Trek movies and three episodes of the Original Series. I would like to watch more but Care Bears or some Fred Olen Ray movie gets in my eyesight and I run towards them instead. What can I say except that I am a creature of habit.

In the Third Season of the Care Bear Family, made during 1988 or so, the writers got tired of coming up with stories for the Care Bears so they just put them into different places. One of those were Cavemen times. They had 8 segments in there OVER four episodes. There were eight SEGMENTS over FOUR episodes. Learn to TV you JERKS on TWITTER saying they were episodes!!!! They did the same exact thing for Space except they put them in a Enterprise looking ship called the S.S. Friendship. It's a great name for a Star Trek like ship for the Care Bears isn't it? Anyway we are going to take a look at all eight segments that took place within four episodes. IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE PEOPLE STOP GETTING IT WRONG.

 The first segment is called "The Thing That Decided to Stay" which sounds like a really bad 1950s b-horror movie that I would probably watch. It was written by John de Klein who did all kinds of things within Animation up here in Canada. Besides writing 8 episodes or segments or whatever of this show he wrote the screenplays to Care Bears Adventure in Wonderland and Babar: The Movie. Also worked on a good amount of other shows. This segment involves Cheer Bear learning that she shouldn't just randomly take animals from planets they visit. Despite doing it at least three times before. She has a lot of animals to take care of already. However they have a quick black out and Chief Brave Heart Lion learns from Scotty I mean Grumpy Bear that they need to get Caring Crystals or they are kaput! They land on the nearest planet. We then see they are being followed by Star Trek-ified versions of the usual bad guys they fight, Shreeky, Mr. Beastly and No Heart. The Care Bears then rainbow-beam down to the planet and Grumpy thinks it tickles. I wonder if the regular Star Trek beam tickles but the people who use it have gotten used to it. Anyway they get on the planet and YES Cheer Bear finds another animal and just picks it up. You know this time this cute little guy is gonna cause some havok which he does when Cheer Bear gives him a cookie. He grows from teeny tiny to like 500 feet. Like he shouldn't even fit on the damn S.S. Friendship. They chart a way to the surface of the planet to let the Nicey Nice (what Cheer Bear called him) off. We then get to see Mr. Beastly's rocket shoes mess up which will come up later. The Nicey Nice is let off and he doesn't want to leave Cheer Bear. However she tricks him but this is when Mr. Beastly and Shreeky come in and try to shoot them with a Vaporizer which apparently also un-vaporizes things too. What a neat weapon. Anyway they try to vaporize the Care Bears but fail just vaporizing the ground underneath. Shreeky takes the weapon from Mr. Beastly and tries to vaporize them before the Nicey Nice comes back and it isn't very Nice right now. it's gonna eat Mr. Beastly and Shreeky and they run off. Cheer Bear then says good bye ot the Nicey Nice after it finds a girlfriend or something. NICEY NICE IS GONNA GET LAID TONIGHT WOO HOO.

 Oh man. This segment is the worst of the bunch and that;s what I thought 30 damn years ago too when I'd watch reruns of this on I dunno NTV or some fucking other channel. I really should do a post on Newfoundland TV aka NTV. It would be a doozy of a time. Anyway this episode has a Space Clown annoy the shit out of Grumpy Bear. The clown puts everyone into a Space Bubble (which is the name of the segment). Grumpy Bear does not want to be a part of this and just pops his balloon with a pick of some kind. Grumpy Bear is my favorite Care Bear because he sounds like an angry stereotypical gay man. It's great. Anyway the Care Bears get easily captured by Beastly and Shreeky and taken to their spaceship. The Clown literally keeps making fun of Mr. Beastly saying he moves slower than a snail which causes Shreeky to start laughing at him. She makes Mr. Beastly then throw him out of the fucking spaceship. This shit is actually kinda wild maybe it's not as bad as 11 year old LIL' CLAW thought. I dunno.  Grumpy Bear saves the Space Clown after fixing his Space Clown Car. They then put Beastly and Shreeky into balloons and leave. This segment ends with Grumpy Bear getting a face full of cake. 

 our third segment, part of our second episode involves Cheer Bear wanting to fly the S.S. Friendship. BUT CAPTAIN BRAVE HEART LION is like you need more experience! That's what they all say and by they I mean MEN who want to keep those BROADS from flying STARSHIPS. Anyway she's back to communications which she refers too as telephone operator. Which made me laugh. Anyway Beastly and Shreeky are on board and they start capturing Care Bears and messing up the engine. One by one they all end up captured except Cheer Bear. She ends up flying the ship by herself, which just goes to show BRAVEHEART LION that WOMEN CAN DO IT TOO. Seriously though, not a lot to talk about here but I still had fun with this one. I can see this being an actual part of an episode of Star Trek but who knows. I'll leave that kinda talk to PORTNOYD and whoever else wants to comment on this. 

 I should mention that every episode so far starts with Captain Brave Heart Lion going CARE DATE 1.520 or whatever just like Captain Kirk would go Star Date in Star Trek. It's a neat little addition. This episode has them at CARE BASE where they are picking up supplies to bring to some random planet. I'm gonna call the planet Tralfamadore because the idea of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. and the Care Bears being mentioned at the same time amuses me and only me. It's sometimes fun to just amuse yourself, you know? Anyway Beastly and Shreeky end up putting a creature who is well very hungry and well will eat ANYTHING. So you know what's gonna happen. Lolol, early on in this segment they caught Treat Heart Pig eating like 3 muffins. They make a huge deal out of it because SHE'S A FATTY FAT CAN'T STOP EATING FATTY FAT. and then she promises not to eat any more. They take a STORE ROOMS full of food onto the ship and the monster eats it all and then they blame it on Treat Heart Pig because SHE'S A FATTY FATTY BOOM BO LATTY FATSO FAT FATTY PIECE OF FAT SHIT WHO CAN'T STOP EATING LIKE A FATTY FAT FATSO. They blame her and it looks like Beastly and Shreeky's plan to get them to fight will work after all. Treat Heart Pig leaves the ship in a little star escape pod and is followed by Beastly and Shreeky. The rest of the Care Bears find the creature and realize they were COMPLETE ASSHOLES and find that Treat Heart Pig has left them and they go to search for her. Shreeky and Beastly set up a trap for Treat Heart Pig but the other Care Bears who just landed down get trapped instead. They believed the creature actually knew where Treat Heart Pig was and wasn't running after some pie. Space pie is the best kinda pie. Anyway Treat Heart Pig saves the day and they all apologize for being JERKS. 

Well I think This will become a two parter, because this one post is almost 2,000 words and I dunno if I want to reptutation of the guy who wrote more than 2,000 words on The Care Bears. These episodes were a lot of fun to revisit and I hope THE FELLAS enjoy reading about the first four segments because I'll becoming back soon enough with the next four. You'll know everything about when the Care Bears became a part of Starfleet, Gosh darnit. 

NES Game Reviews #52: Indiana Jones Does the Impossible Mission With Help From the Immortal II during the Indy Heat.

 

Oh good. We are talking about NES games again. Sadly it's in a bit of a slump. This group of games aren't the best and aren't really all that amazing to talk about. Except for one. One of these I actually really enjoy playing and I know portnoyd doesn't! So we will probably have a slap fight in the comments! You should always check the comments of these posts because portnoyd and I will probably argue about something. Anyway We will be discussing THREE Indiana Jones games in this post! Isn't that exciting! Join me if you will!

 

You know how I said Hillsfar was the last NES game I had never tried out before, well I believe I was wrong on this one because I do not remember playing this game before I just did. It is much better than Hillsfar. It's also at best kinda just okay. It's another one of those "search around everywhere until you find the final boss and shoot them enough to kill them" kinda game. You know like Blaster Master. The controls are fine, the music is also fine, everything about this game is just fine. That's the big problem. I'm getting old. Well, older and I want a better experience than fine. I see no reason to play this game when you could easily go for the other isometric "gotta find my way outta this shithole" game known as Solstice which does everything this game does but better. make sure I have another fifty years of life and maybe I'd play through the Immortal but I can't get a guarantee on that kinda shit ya know. Depressing but oh well. Anyway this game also looks way too dark and that just annoys me. I kinda want to see where im going. Too many cheap unseeable death traps too. Still I don't hate this game and might even one day play it again. Who knows, I still have to beat both Blaster Master and Solstice so it won't happen any time soon, The Immortal.

 Oh hey, this is yet another Look around and find things game. This one does it worst of all. However I will get to all of that after I tell you a story. A STORY OF AN OLD SCHOOL GAMER. You know OSG. He had a website in like 2000? It wasn't yesterday. I just know that I remember finding it just when he was doing a contest. I think I showed his site to other NES scene people too. Anyway I remember sending him all kinds of shit trying to win this contest. However I did not win the contest. The winner was Drk_Warrior and his prize was this game. This awful piece of shit game. Anyway this game does the "search around everywhere!!!!" shit so badly because every place in this game just sounds the same. Also no music. Also all kinds of things that I have no idea what to do with. You press start and then you have to figure out what to do with the stuff on the bottom of the screen during the run around section. I don't know what to do with those. You get to some random level stages and have to just jump around robots because I have no idea how to kill them. Then you get to a computer to find stuff and then not know what to do with any of them. You are all like USE THE MANUAL BRO and that is true but I just don't care about this game at all. It doesn't seem like it will be come a memorable or fun game after you figure out what to do. I just have better things to do with my time. like watch The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers or something else. I'm putting this game in the bad pile because at least other "search around for shit" games were nice enough to make things look different so you knew you were going somewhere and really that's a big thing for those type of games.

 Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is my favorite of the Indiana Jones movies. It probably should have stopped there honestly. Some stories you can go on and on with and others you should just quit while you are on top. Like Indiana Jones. or Star Wars. Wow two things George Lucas was a part of. Weird huh? The post Last Crusade Indiana Jones movies were better than the Star Wars prequels though. Anyway this game is really really bad. The Indiana Jones sprite is fucking microscopic and it's so god damn hard to figure where you even are sometimes. It also has some really bad controls and just isn't much fun to play. The funniest thing is that you can literally skip to the end part with the uh Jesus' Cup of Coffee or whatever they were going for in that movie and if you know the way to go you can beat this game in like probably under a minute. That's hilarious. Anyway this game sucks and I don't like it.

 

Oh cool. We get a redo on the game this game was made by UbiSoft. They make good games these days I hear. I dunno. I hear the games are other good or woke because a black person was in it or something. I dunno. I just know that THEY FUCKING MESSED UP THE RE-DO. THEY MADE IT WORSE THAN THE FIRST FUCKING GAME. This game has a slow as Indiana Jones in it. It's like he's taking a nice stroll in the park and not exploring a cave with crazy men ready to kill inside there. No, it's just Indiana Jones strolling around. You HAVE to pick up a torch that does not keep going throughout the entire stage. That's already SHITTY. I don't want to go out of my way IN PITCH DARKNESS to find another torch. Also enemies that can kill you in like two hits and you have to do a weird little dance with them to get them into a place that good to hit them. All of this within a fucking short ass timer. A stupid piss ass garbage game that I don't want to talk about it any more.

 Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was the worst of the original trilogy of movies. I mean I still liked it because it was a very entertaining film. It's just not as good as Raiders or Last Crusade. However it gets the best game out of the three Indiana Jones games for the NES. Not to say this Tengen game is a masterpiece or anything but I do enjoy playing it. It's one of those weird games that starts off simple where you just save kids to collect stuff, till you have to find the right place to get out of a level. The levels start getting bigger and harder and some of the controls can be really wonky but the fact is I've gotten past level one of this game and I've never done that in the fucking Ubisoft game. I guess I'll be putting this in the OKAY pile because honestly thats what this game is. OK.

 This ends this post. The second to last post for the I's (The J's will start next time and they are vastly better than the I's which was better than the H's) and I think it ends off with a pretty simple racing game that I think is a lot of fun. I really don't have much else to say about it. This game is pretty much a better Super Sprint (which itself is a decent enough game). The graphics are fine. You can easily see the cars. The music is fun. I now know like three race car drivers (Michael Andretti,  Al Usner Jr and Danny Sullivan!) which is pretty nice to be able to do. SURPRISE SPORTS LOVERS with my sports knowledge as a NON-sports fan. Good time. Oh there's also Nigel Mansell but his game really sucks and I don't like it. Uh, I guess spoilers for the Ns when we get there in 50 years. Anyway I like this game and portnoyd will poop on it because Rare made it. I know the future!

GOOD GAMES: 138

BAD GAMES:  111

OKAY GAMES: 41

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER GO AWAY: 5

GAMES OVERALL: 295 

Movie Review #79: Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)

 

One of the things I like to do sometimes when I'm bored is to read old blog posts of mine. I don't know if that makes me some kind of narcissistic weirdo or if the internet is so fucking boring now that I have to read my dumb crap. Sometimes I'll actually find a funny joke I made. Then I see like twenty seven unfunny jokes I make. My ratio for good to bad jokes is not very good at all. Probably one or two to like fifty. I do like those one or two jokes quite a bit. Anyway one of the reviews I re-read was of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4. I mentioned this movie and how I didn't really like it all that much. I figured after twenty six years I decided to rewatch it. I don't really want to spoil this review for all of you but I still didn't really like this movie all this much.

I like to mention this as much as I can because I like to talk about my history with a movie or tv show or whatever if I have it. So for like the first decade of my life I was not allowed to watch horror movies despite desperately wanting too. I'd watch scary things in cartoons or kids stuff. Are You Afraid of the Dark, Goosebumps, Scooby Doo and Real Ghostbusters. I even watched the fake Ghostbusters with the monkey just because I needed something that had scares or spooky things within it. Anyway one trip to Lewisporte, which was a place we would go to every year to visit family. I had a bad asthma attack and we had to go home. To get me to cut my vacation short my parents finally relented and did pretty much the only thing they could to get me to go home. They finally said yes I could rent the horror movies I'd look at before renting I dunno Harry and the Hendersons and Tiny Toon Adventures: Buster's Hidden Treasure for the Sega Genesis.

I don't remember when I finally rented the Texas Chainsaw Massacre for the first time, but I know I went for the original movie first. Most of the time I'd just grab whatever damn sequel I could to watch. It didn't matter. I was finally getting to see them (minus my dad like having to fast forward through all the boobies and murder) My dad mentioned how he had seen some of it in the theatre and how it messed him up. So one Sunday, I say Sunday because really all the tv channels seemed to shove the shit I did not want to wtach on Sunday. Which was nice of them so I could play Buster's Treasure Hunt and watch movies. I really liked Buster's Treasure Hunt.  I don't remember when I saw Part 2 or Part 4 but I remember thinking they were very entertaining when I did see them. I just know that of the first four movies the Third one was the one that took the longest to see. It was just not at the video store we'd rent from. Or the other one. I finally did find a copy just to be very underwhelmed. 

The director of this movie Jeff Burr is a guy who did a lot of horror movie sequels. The Stepfather Part II, Pumpkinhead II, Puppet Master 4 AND Puppet Master 5. Also stuff like Dark Night of the Scarecrow. It is also my least favorite of all his movies. Yes I like Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings more than this movie. This also might be my least favorite Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie besides Texas Chainsaw 3D which was a massive poop pile. I dunno I still haven't seen The Beginning and I don't really want to re-watch any of the movies made after Part 4. I'm still gonna say this one is pretty far down on the list. 

The biggest problem with this movie is that the main characters are boring as fucking hell. They aren't interesting or memorable or fun or played by actors I even know. Like I seriously do not know if I've ever seen these two in a movie before and I really do not care to look it up. They aren't even annoying. They are just boring as hell. The second problem with this movie is that the family characters are either very fucking annoying like the Alfredo character or just as unmemorable than the others. The family characters and Leatherface are supposed to be the most entertaining part of these damn movies (weirdly enough they kinda give up on that part in the movies made after the remake). They are delightful characters in the first movie, the second movie and the fourth movie. This group is just boring as hell. It was kinda neat to see a child and a lady character being a part of the family but it would have been more neat if they actually got to do something (although there is a good black comedy moment where the little girl gets exicited to pull the string that will have a hammer smash into the boring male character played boringly by a boring actor.)

Ken Foree played the character Peter in Dawn of the Dead wonderfully. He was the best part of that movie and somehow he seems to not give a holy hot shit about this movie (not that I can blame him at all) He seems bored to tears but somehow audiences liked him so much he lived after the movies other memorable scene occurs. Leatherface has dropped his chainsaw in the water and its moving on its own because of the water I guess. I dunno it's spraying water everywhere and Leatherface grabs Ken head and just smashes it into the chainsaw. He was supposed to die there but somehow did not. I mean he did not because test audiences were sad that he died. I guess that should show you that even when he doesn't give a holy hot shit about being in a movie Ken Foree is still pretty great.

I think I have said enough about this movie and no I will not be watching it again in twenty six years. Two times was enough for this not very memorable sequel. Sorry Jeff but you didn't win me over here. 

NES Game Reviews #51: Ikari Warriors and the Ice Climbers Play Ice Hockey, Also Image Flight is watching them like a freaky stalker bitch.

                                       

You know Rocky V, which is mentioned in this ad is not a bad movie. Yes it has some weird faults but I do enjoy it. I like the character of Tommy Gunn and how EVIL DON KING turns him away from Rocky. I dunno, I just like Rocky Balboa and his story. I should really watch those three Creed films. Rocky is a good series of films even if they get very silly like in part 4 when he stops the entirety of Communism and the Cold War. Rocky, you're the best! Uh, I would probably end up watching a movie version of Ikari Warriors even though I get the feeling they would not be good action movies. Anyway it's time to talk about another six NES games. So let's get to it!

You ever have a game that you liked until you REALLY got into it and played it and realized it is FLAWED AS SHIT. I remember getting Ice Climber for really cheap early on because the BLACK BOX GAMES ARE NOT AS RARE AS YOU LUNATIC COLLECTORS THINK. Not even in their HANGTAB BOXES. I am 100% certain that there are more copies of that stuff out there in random warehouses that are so big that no one has any idea whats even in them anymore. Just sitting there ready to be sold to COOLNESGUY1010 on Youtube who was born in like 2005 and wants to gatekeep people out of the NES fandom for liking woke games. I don't know what NES game could be considered woke but watch out for this guy. He's fierce and also very annoying. Anyway I liked Ice Climber until I played the NES bounty to beat it. Playing a few levels is fine but trying to beat it will make you hate this game. The controls are so fucking weird and shitty that just thinking about playing this game annoys me. I don't like it. The cool polar bear with sunglasses will always be awesome and iconic.

 

This is honestly how I like sports games, so simple that anyone can get into it. Again I'm still not very good at this game but I like to play it from time to time. I don't know whats about it but it hits my high standards for "A pretty good sports game that doesn't make me vomit from my asshole". The graphics are pretty good for the time and anyone can get the hang of if they put enough effort in. The music is pretty good too. Like there's not much else to say about this. I like when sports game are simple and I can actually get a point or two on them. Not much else to say about this game except it along with Blades of Steel are probably the only good game of CANADA'S HOLY SPORT HOCKEY. I can't think of any other good ones.

 

Oh man. Oh god. OH MAN. OH GOD. OH MAN. okay enough of a reference to an obscure movie I haven't even seen (but probably should as it looks weird and terrible) we finally hit the paydirt. the PAYDIRT OF SHIT. If you know me you know that I consider Ikari Warriors to be THE worst NES game of all time. This game also reminds me of early YouTube and it's in the weirdest way either. So you know there were like 9120 AGVN ripoffs and people just reviewing anything really so some random dude whos screen name escapes me right now started up something called Reviewing a Reviewer and he reviewed a guy named the Nintendo Rapist or the Gaming Rapist and yes he does mention how WHAT THE FUCK that whole concept was but it seemed he spent more time getting angry that the game this guy picked was Ikari Warriors. Like this was a game he loved in 1986 and was so offended that he spent like at least 5 minutes going on about the game choice. It was really fucking weird like incredibly weird.  The reason it was weird was i've been talking about these stupid NES games since 1998 and he was the ONE person who ever said anything positive about this game. I hate this fucking game but I'm still weirdly glad it has a defender, I'm just never going to understand how ANYONE could consider this a good game (actually IGN somehow put it on its top 100 NES games so the game has two defenders I guess). Your character moves too fucking slow. My grandmother who passed away in 1960 could outrace these guys. Hell, my obese ass could outrace these two schmucks. So put in slow ass fucking guys and like 9000 guys trying to kill you, you just have a unpleasant and shitty time playing this game. Also you literally have to do some really stupid horse shit to actually get to the final level. Okay fine if you gotta do some crazy shit to get farther in a Zelda type game but FUCK that kinda shit in games like this. I just wanna shoot 10,000 fuckers trying to do something awful. It's just ugly, unpleasant to listen to, and I'm with the Nintendo Rapist and that's a sentence I did not expect to ever type.

 This game is an improvement over the first game but that's not a hard thing to accomplish. This game has better graphics, better music, the character moves just a tad faster (still not fast enough to actually make it a good game). I mean the graphics are still bland and the levels are just gray as shit. The music is still not very memorable but it just doesn't hurt the eyes. The character does move faster but still not fast enough to get anywhere in the game without learning the SECRET which is just to strafe apparently. I mean that's what the person I talked to who beat the game said. I just don't want to play enough of this game to do so. I like that this game actually let you keep your weapons and even give you weapons more than one level but you'll get hit or trapped in some kind of stupid thing. You will be doing that ABBA code enough that your thumbs bleed. I just don't hate this game as much as I hate the original. It's still a worthless piece of shit that clogged up the NES library but I guess the NES had to have a little shit in it's flavor. I dunno, portnoyds the one who goes on about the NES' FLAVOR.

 

 

Ikari Warriors III is the best game in the franchise. Without a doubt, SNK dropped Micronics like THE LEAD TURD THEY ARE INTO A BIG MASSIVE SHITHOLE TO DIE ALONE and made this very okay video game. This game is honestly just kinda boring. It does everything you want in a game very completently. Nothing amazing. No really unique weapons or any wild level design. No urgent You gotta keep your ass moving stuff like Contra. Ikari Warriors III character finally moves fast enough and the graphics look good and the music again is fine but I don't see why you'd play this game when you could just reach for P.O.W Prisoners of War which is a way more fun game to play. I dunno I really don't enjoy this game very much. I'll put it in the OKAY games because unlike the first two games it works as a game and effort was clearly put into it. It's just why play this when you could play Guerilla War or P.O.W. or a billion other games. I'm pretty sure Ikari Warriors is the worst trilogy on the NES.

 Image Fight is a okay enough game. It's a shoot em up or a SCHUMP or Shump of whatever the crazies who only play these games call them.  SHCUMP. I dunno. I knew it before but those three attempts at remembering it do not work well. What's strange is this game is made by IREM who were a pretty good publisher/developer and I dunno this just doesn't seem like their best work. I dunno. This isn't awful but you have Gun Nac or Guardian Legend like 3 feet away from you and you should just play them instead, even if you have beaten them. I dunno. I just don't have anything to say about this game. It's like Ikari Warriors III, not poorly made or anything just not something that sets the world on fire. I wonder what PORTNOYD will say about this game. I hope it's a bit more than I said for it.

GOOD GAMES: 137

BAD GAMES: 108

OKAY GAMES: 39

GAMES IMPATIENT TO PLAY WHATEVER BLAH GO AWAY: 5

GAMES OVERALL: 289 

NES Game Reviews #50: I Can Remember When Hydlide Played Hoops With Hudson Hawk and some HOT SLOTS while a Hunt for Red October happened.

 

 

This set of games may not be the most well reviewed because well I really want to get past the Letter H. Even though the Letter I is not much better. These are all not very good games and most of them are not even going to be very fun to talk about but someone has to review all the NES games and doing it alphabetically has shown some things, some letters just didn't past the mustard. Or whatever that saying is. I don't care if I got it wrong PINKY you can just go play HYDLIDE. Ya jerk.

 

 

The god damned fucking Nintendo Entertainment System along with just about every other console on it had way way way to many fucking spoirts games on them. It's way too many games even if you like sports. Are you really going to spend extra money to play a different basketball game in 1991 when you have Double Dribble? No, you really shouldn't. I have seriously gone on record as being a human being who never ever got sports. Okay, I get playing them. You get exercise and get to do something with people whos company you enjoy. That makes perfect fucking sense to me. WATCHING sports, any sports on TV is just the most boring fucking thing in the history of the world to me. I do not and will not get it. I'd rather sit down and watch Mama's Family, Everybody Loves Raymond, Charles in Charge and Monster By Mistake than watch a single sports event. I don't even care what one. I just do not get it and never will. As for Hoops. it fucking sucks. How many more of these fucking sports games do I have to talk about?

 You see what I got to fucking work with when it comes to H games. I get the one nad only SLOT game for the NES. Yes slots were in other poker games but I don't remember playing them because you were playing the fun part of the game like poker or blackjack. Slots are literally the most boring way to gamble your money away and it does not get any less boring when it is brought to the NES. This is a pretty easy game to beat but it is also incredibly tedious.  Yes I have beaten it. Yes I am like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons in that I have wasted my life. I can't even bring up the SAUCY AND DIRTY SECRET of the NES that most people don't know about. I mean most people as people my parents age or people who just grew out of Video games and didn't spend any amount of time trying ot beat Hot Slots. And no it wasn't to actually see the naked ladies, it was to have another game on my beaten list. I'm not that sad. I think the people who bought this game to get off are the second lowest wrung of perverts. The lowest group is clearly people who like Atari Porn. Anyway this game is not fun and sucks ass.

 I am one of the ten human beings to ever exist that enjoyed the motion picture Hudson Hawk. I think it's a fun lively movie. I mean I haven't seen it in like I dunno, twenty years? It's hard to remember when I saw it first. Anyway I don't care what you think of the movie this video game is worse than it by 1305249230490 percent. This is one of THE worst NES games ever. Your character controls so horribly. The graphics and sound are just thrown together rubbish. Some games made on the NES still look really damn good for what they had available to them. This is not one of them. Bruce Willis literally has a giant head for some damn reason. He's also very small. You have to deal with these AWFUL FUCKING CONTROLS while searching through THE SHITTIEST MAZES ON THE NES. You have to jump CAREFULLY or you will hit the alarm and make it impossible to get anywhere in. I somehow beat this game for the NES bounty and I think I took at least 15 years off my life by doing so. It's an awful game and I hate it. Never fucking playing Hudson Hawk, ever.

 Do you love slow moving games where everything is firing at you and you only get a limited amount of weapons to use while the enemies who are always shooting at you? You don't! Then you won't enjoy this fucking game. The sub moves so fucking slowly and you have to dodge bombs and random ass walls that are popping out of the ocean?! I don't know I saw the movie once and I didn't really like it. Yeah. I didn't like The Hunt for Red October. CRUCIFY ME YOU SHITS. The graphics are honestly fine enough and the music is droning horse shit. The NES had some of THE BEST video game music ever. I don't care what BORING ZOOMER JERKS who talk on youtube say about the NES being overrated. THE NES IS BETTER THAN THE N64 AND GAMECUBE ZOOMERS HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT??? HOW DO YOU FUCKING FEEL ABOUT THAT? Oh where were I? oh yeah Music on the NES could reach the HEIGHTS of Video game music and then it could be just droning hard to listen to bullshit like in this game. Fuck The Hunt for Red October.

 I have some weird I dunno if I can call it nostaliga for it but it always reminds me of the final NES forum that actually had a sizable userbase. Back when the Internet was fun and not POLITICS POLITICS POLITICS melting like every fucking ones minds. It's amazing how politics have done that. Anyway I'm reminded of Play the NES because a Youtuber Game Reviewer Guy by the name of Armake21 (this is a nice way of saying AVGN ripoff #2940) would stick up for this game EVERY time it got mentioned. It was actually kind of amazing. If you wanted to say something to Armake21 you'd just have to talk about Hydlide. He would stick up for it by saying hte original game was very important for its time and not bad at all. I have never played the original Hydlide and I never will. Not because I hated Armake21 or anything but because I do not have 2830 years of life to get through all of the things I WANT to get through and not Hydlide on the Ultra CX-2 computer or whatever fucking computer it was originally made for. I don't know. I'm sure the original Hydlide was something different than the NES game however the NES game is terrible. You have to fiddle around in the most obnoxious ways to somehow beat a single enemy. The music is terrible. It's also one of those RPGs that if you care enough to beat you can probably beat it in like 35 minutes to an hour. That's pathetic for an RPG.  Hydlide was apparently made in 1984 and then redone for the Famicom in 1986 and in 1989 they ported it to the NES and holy shit this game was SO fucking dated by 1989. I don't even know if it was ever good and Armake BLESS HIS SOUL was just crazy nostalgic for it or something. I don't know and I don't care. Hydlide sucks and the letter H is over.

 I love one thing about this game and its how easy you could put a NES game out and make money. This game is a match game where you find the matching image under a number. This is not a full game but Game Tek put it out as one. Seriously all three Fisher Price games made into one game would seriously not be enough to classify as a game. Yet they were all sold as 3 games. It's amazing. Anyway this game is fucking boring because I'm not 5 fucking years old anymore. This is all I have to say about I Can Remember and if you want more you can go fuck yourself. Bitch.

GOOD GAMES: 136

BAD GAMES: 105

OKAY GAMES: 37

IMPATIENT GAMES WHATEVER WHO CARES?: 5

GAMES OVERALL:  283

NES Game Reviews #49: Hillsfar is Home Alone with Hook in Hogan's Alley while watching the Hollywood Squares

 

I kinda love this ad. It's all about the NES game with images from the NES game and someone at the end of the creation of the ad was like OH SHIT DAVE WE ALSO MADE A GAMEBOY VERSION (which I'm going to assume is probably like the NES game and probably worse) and they just jammed a small version of the gameboy game up there in the corner. It's weirdly hilarious to me. Anyway you know the drill, we are on the H's and uh most of these games are kinda shitty and I'm not really in love with having to discuss them so let's get another six of these out of the way and get to games that are more fun to discuss.

 I think this just might have been the last non-sports title I had never played before on the NES. That's something wild considering that I started getting back into NES games twenty eight years ago (wow I am now going to explode because I feel that old) in 1998. I don't believe I ever played this on emulation or owned it. I played it earlier today and none of it looked even a little bit familiar at all. I've played most NES games (the non-sports ones) enough times to go OH THERES THAT THING but not Hillsfar. Sadly Hillsfar is not a very good video game. I jumped over things with a horse and then got lost in a city. I guess you have to use keys to open doors as a thief. You can be other things and I guess the game changes but I just don't care. The amount of time and effort you have to pretty much put into any of these Dungeons and Dragons games to get anywhere is not worth it. I mean I could do it. I could find out how to work it all but I then realize I've somehow never beaten Adventure Island, Blaster Master or either Golgo 13 games and those are game I care about. This is just a very "Hi I exist" video game. I'm putting it in the bad game category but I can't even get mad about this game. Also by 1992 any video game company knew how to get the most out of the old NES except these guys. This still feels like a 1987 game. Dated, ugly and not very responsive to the controls. I did not enjoy my time with Hillsfar and wish just about any other game for the NES was the last non-sports game I ever played. Oh well, you can't win em all and you shouldn't cry over spilled milk.

 There's something really beautiful in simplicity done right. This game has no wild backstory, no insane adventure you go on, no lore. It's just a game where you play as a police officer and you shoot bad guys in Hogan's Alley. Is this Hulk Hogan's alley? BROTHER!!!! or did Hogan from Hogan's Heroes turn to a life of crime after getting out of that POW camp in World War 2? The world may never know. Hogan's Alley is a game where you just shoot criminal jerks.  You got the guy on the cover. A dude who looks like he would have annoyed Humphrey Bogart in The Maltese Falcon and a guy who looks like he JUST stopped using heroin and has been forced to stay up for like a week. They all have so much character which is why I can see them in my minds eye so clearly.  This might be a very simple game but it's the best game of the H's BY FAR. Anyway I hope portnoyd doesnt POOP in Hogan's Alley like a JERK.

 

Well GAMETEK actually got RARE to make this game for them. It's based on a pretty dull game show where famous C-List people of the 1970s would make saucy comments. Then Paul Lynde would say something incredibly gay and people were then surprised that he enjoyed the man love. It's wild. So you have to guess to see if the celebrity is right and if they are you get a circle or a x like in Tic Tac Toe. The most important part of this show is you know the celebrities. So what do you get in this game. You get a bunch of lame looking cartoony characters that look like NO celebrity I've ever seen and I know about too many of the bastards!! Sure you couldn't get actual celebrities because it would probably cost too much but couldn't you make some parody celebrities or something. I dunno. This doesn't seem like the most fun game show to watch and it isn't much fun to play. That's all I really gotta say about Hollywood Squares.

 When I first found out about this game in 1998 I damn near shit my pants. Somehow I missed out on the NES Home Alone games as a kid in 1990. and the SNES Home Alone games. and the Genesis Home Alone games and I kinda enjoyed playing it. Hell, I'm gonna be honest about one thing I still kinda enjoy playing this game. However I am going to be fair and honest by saying two things make this game not very good. First off, you have to wait 20 minutes. I think that is too long but to be completely fair it would have been fine if you could use any of these items you pick up more than twice. Two times and the item just disappears forever. That's not a good thing. The other thing is that you can go tripped up on things and cannot move. It's very annoying. Also the guys seem to go from really slow to really fast when they see you. I dunno if I like that. Anyway the funniest thing with this game is the first tim I ever beat it I got one of the bad guys stuck and they never ever got back up. I don't know how it happened but it did. That would not happen in a game made by Capcom or Konami or whatever. I still like the concept of this game. It feels very Home Alone. I still think this is probably the best Home Alone game I've played. I still have not played the Sega Genesis games but my god the sequel to this game and Home Alone on the SNES are so, so bad.

 

 

This may be a harsh, unpleasant opinion but the world needs to hear it: Everyone who worked on Home Alone 2, Swamp Thing or the Simpsons Bart games for the NES should have been drug out into the street and shot. Seriously you are handed three things that you could make video games out of if you were competent and cared. It's not like these were three concepts that would make you go HOW THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO TURN THIS INTO A GAME?!? I mean even if it is a concept thats oiut there just be like FUCK IT WE'RE TURNING IT INTO A PLATFORMER. I'm a sucker for platformers but my god this is one of the worst on the NES. I fucking hate this game with all of my being. All of it. First off they turn TIM CURRY into some kind of weird ghoul and I just can't abide by that in any way man. First off the controls and how the character handle is so awkward. The second part is that you HAVE to get int to find goodies that you'll need to use later on in the game. Every single character is one you have to jump over or get hit by. They give you so little ammo for your guns its insane. The game is also very dull. You can do a lot with a simple platformer game. A LOT of games are platformers and they are creative and amazing and well thought out. This was just some thrown together horse shit. God I don't know how I beat this game because you have to do so many "jesus christ fuck you game" things. Blah. I'm tired of talking about this stupid shit game. Remember when Garfield's catchphrase in the animated specials were "so and so should be drug out into the street and shot" What a crazed little beast that cat was.

 This is a pretty bad game based on a pretty good movie. I know PORTNOYD is WRONG about it but Hook is a cool movie. Haters can vacate this area!! Except Portnoyd. He is still allowed to be here for some reason. Uh, Anyway this is a Ocean game and well it's probably one of their better games if I'm being fair. Still it's not very good. The biggest problem is that your little dinky ass knife does not seem to hurt any enemy. So yo upretty much have to avoid all the enemies. Also this game seems to really slow down at times. I guess it has too much shit going on at those points. It's neat to see the characters from the movie but this game isn't much fun. I mean if you collect NES games I'm sure you have nostaliga nad love for the SNES and there's no reason to play this game when you have the vastly superior SNES game, which was made by the people who made Skyblazer which is another cool SNES game. I should talk about those games instead of these mostly poop games. This was a bad set of games man and somehow the next set is even worse.

GOOD GAMES: 136

BAD GAMES: 99

OKAY GAMES/HAVENT AGED WELL: 37

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER GO AWAY: 5

GAMES TOTAL:  277

TV You Forgot About #11: Uh-Oh (1997 - 2003)

 

I must start this review by restating my feelings on Game Shows. My feeling is that they are a thing that exist and I don't really care about them or think of them very much. Yes, like every child who was born between say 1965 and 1995 I watched The Price is Right with Bob Barker on sick days. It was that or some kiddie show made for pre-schoolers or a soap opera. You didn't get much choice on sick days. However it also kind of mattered what kind of sick days they were. On the sick days were you weren't actually sick and pretended to be to stay home, I'd just play Super Nintendo. On the days I actually was sick I would just sleep to try to get better. Honestly it was only a few select times that I watched Bob Barker but you saw him. Every damn child did. I could watch Jeopardy from time to time and when Who Wants to Be A Millionaire/The Weakest Link were popular I would watch them. Were they the last really super ultra holy shit popular game shows? The only one I can think of that came after them that got even close was Deal or No Deal. I just know that those two shows I would watch with my family and have a good time doing so. They have a special place in my nostalgic heart. Game Shows have their place on TV but they were never something I was ga-ga over.

They also made game shows for children. They probably did a bunch before Double Dare in the 1980s but you know that's when they became the most popular. Nickelodeon did a lot of them in the 1980s and 1990s. I do not think I saw any of them. I have no idea if they weren't shown up here in Canada or if I just didn't watch them and watched I dunno Sailor Moon or Gilligan's Island instead. I was amazed to find out that All That and The Amanda Show showed up here on Canadian TV. I couldn't watch everything people!! Before I get into the show of UH-OH I must go on what seems like a completely pointless and stupid tangent about sketch comedy. You know sketch comedy so I won't have to go into a complete history here. Stuff like Saturday Night Live or Kids in the Hall. They also had sketch comedy for kids. YTV had a good amount of it too. They had the classic You Can't Do That On Television which became a Canadian-American production when he went to Nickelodeon and was actually created by a British man. Three countries had to come together to bring the world something that beautiful. They had Squawk Box and later on System Crash. Squawk Box was hilarious to my younger self and I never watched System Crash. I will refrain from going to much into these shows because who knows I might talk about them in more detail on this blog.

 Which is what brings us to the TV show It's Alive. It's Alive ran for four seasons between 1994 and 1996. It's something I do not remember in the fucking slightest. Do you ever feel like you really should remember something, like a TV show or a movie but you just do not at all. Like I watched a TON of YTV. I mean I would take time to watch old ass 1960s sitcoms on TBS like The Beverly Hillbillies or Disney cartoons on Family Channel but I really seriously should remember something about this. I think it was because in the first season it was a hour and a half and the last half hour was just a random episode of either Are You Afraid of the Dark, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers or Captain Scarlet. Captain Scarlet was created by the Thunderbirds people and I think I just blocked everything related to this show out of my mind because knowing that YTV would waste an entire hour on that fucking horse shit every week would have driven me mad. I could have also forgotten about it because it's very forgettable. The one episode I watched had a prolonged soap opera sketch and then a game show parody. Then some joke about a rapper. It was all very pointless and unmemorable. I have to mention it becuase Uh-Oh was a sketch I think on this show. The game show they were doing in the show as Al House of Goo or some shit. I literally just finished watching this and can't remember the actual name. I don't know if Uh-Oh was also a sketch or if Al's House of Goo was made into Uh-Oh. I also don't really care. The next time I talk about It's Alive it will be of the cool movies from the 1970s/1980s about killer babies. Larry Cohen was a nutbar.

Anyway Uh-Oh was turned into a game show proper in 1997. The host of the show was Wink Yahoo, actual name Scott Yaphe. Scott was one of the sketch players in It's Alive.  You had three teams of two kids each. They would be asked questions and you could also go to a speed round to do challenges. Gross slime filled challenges. I would refer to this show as a Double Dare ripoff all the time. It's what got port interested into learning more about this show because Portnoyd wishes he could hug and kiss Marc Summers on the mouth twenty four seven. They would also go outside to do an outside challenge. I dunno if that happened all the time or what. I'm seriously only watching one episode of this show, not all 70 something damnit. The prizes for this episode were a snowboarding thing for first place, a hockey jersey (it's Canada bro) for second place and a Game shark for your N64 for third place. Not too shabby really. Oh and the girl in this episode Marie was from Newfoundland. I wonder if she still lives here. Anyway since I am also from Newfoundland I am for Marie to win it all! 

 This is a picture of THE PUNISHER. Yes, it's a man in a gimp suit. I had not seen this show in several decades and really only watched it when not a single other thing was on and I didn't feel like playing Super Nintendo because some game had pissed me off. I would joke about a guy in a gimp mask playing the Punisher in the last few decades thinking I was being hyperbolic about it, but no. That man gets smacked around by a woman or another man during uh you know the kinda stuff Gimps are into. I do not know anything about the Punisher's actual life except that he was the guy who would slime the kids when they got enough questions wrong or something. They were put into a little slime container place and just slimed. I'm still amazed I was correct in calling him a gimp. I didn't even see Pulp Fiction until I was like thirty! Anyway any time a kid hit UH OH on the spinning thingamgig their partner would be put into THE SLIME CHUTE and if they got a question wrong their partner got slimed. Do you think any kid totally got the question wrong because their partner pissed them off. I totally do because I totally would have if someone pissed me off. Also Marie totally has the Newf accent and it's hilarious. The outside events were a part of the slime tour and they had to do some gross shit like well find buffallo turds in hay. Well the turds were fake. I hope.

 Anyway the RED team won because of a TRADE and SPIN thing. I kinda hate that shit in game shows. Someone works to get 210 points and then the goobers who were in last place get to trade to win. Red Team was the goober team of the episode and they won just out of sheer luck. Oh well. I wonder what Marie is up to these days. I hope she's doing well and still enjoys Jiggs dinner from time to time.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I did have a little bit of fun re-watching this. No I won't be watching any more of it but it does make me want to talk about VIDEO ARCADE TOP TEN. Would you like me to talk about that portnoyd? I promise it's better than Thunderbirds. God damn I fucking hated Thunderbirds and still do. Creepy fuckin marionette bitches.

NES Game Reviews #48: Heavy Shreddin with the Harlem Globetrotters and Heroes of the Lance Vs. Hatris's Heavy Barrel

 

The H's are here. The H's are also probably the worst overall letter for NES games. I really don't know how to open this blog post. Most of these games are not going to get very good reviews from this reviewer at least. So I guess we really get to these six games.

 I am the last and I mean last person to review any sports game. Seriously the last person you should ask anything about sports. I am pretty sure I know Babe Ruth because of the Sandlot. I did not think the Harlem Globetrotters were even real for a good portion of my life. I thought they were made up for that one joke in the Simpsons. I didn't learn they were actually real until I found out about the Gilligan Island movies and was like oh that's cool. Seriously I do not know sports, the rules to sports or any of this stuff. I however can tell you that this is a very slow, boring and not fun basketball game. Sports games seem to be the most fun the faster they feel and this game is just a slow mess of shit covered in piss. The graphics are dull, the music is forgettable and there's a reason I don't think GameTek made any other games outside of the game show genre. I do not like basketball but I respect the Harlem Globetrotters. They were friends with Gilligan!!!!!

 The Russian Guy who Created Tetris is weird (I didn't want to misspell his name so he's now known as this forevermore) he's one of those guys who came out of the box swinging. That's not the saying I was looking for but it will do well enough. Seriously Tetris is a 10/10 video game masterpiece. Its one of the most iconic games ever made. It's like making Casablanca as your first movie or something. EVERYTHING you make after this will be judged very harshly after you come out with a masterpiece on your first go. Hatris is a fine game. It's very enjoyable and fun and I enjoy matching up the hats. It's biggest problem is that it's Big Brother Tetris is you know FUCKING TETRIS. I am also pretty good at Tetris and not so good at Hatris. I'm glad The Russian Guy Who Created Tetris made games that weren't Tetris as they are honestly still pretty good games it's just you kinda shot yourself in the foot by putting out your MASTERPIECE first. Still this will probably be the only game I give a GOOD rating too.

 Heavy Barrel is a game I beat for the NES BOUNTY. For anyone who somehow finds this post the NES Bounty was a thing THE NES SCENE crew did in like 2020 to like 2023 on Discord where we tried to beat as many NES games as we could. Six random games would get put up and I turned into the most insane crackhead because of this. I did beat a lot of games for it, actually I think I beat the most games for it. We got to like 540 or so games. It was nuts. Heavy Barrel is one of the NES games I played to completion for it. It was a game I played from time to time to try and beat it and finally did for the NES BOUNTY. It is a very okay game that I think could have been better if they did two things. Give your guy a life bar and make him just a tad faster. You get limited continues and damnit they should just give you unlimited continues for this old hard ass NES games.  You get a bunch of different levels and places to go. Different kind of enemies and a few different kinds of ammo to shoot. It's a simple game with simple graphics and music I do not remember at all. It's a very OKAY game that could have been pretty great with some fixes. Still yeah let's go.

 This is one of like three skiing/snowboarding games on the NES. You have Ski or Die and Slalom. I wanted to save my feelings on those games until I get to them but I will say this. This is the worst of the three. Somehow the graphics and music and controls are WAY worse than those other two. This game is just kind of slow too. It's also weirdly addictive. I don't know why either because it's sluggish and ugly and not much fun. But whenever I turn this game on. I'm always trying to get farther in it. I'm gonna put it in the BAD pile despite that because I don't like playing it all that much. Oh well.

 

Oh hey it's Dungeons and Dragons. We are back talking about FCI and some really awful NES games. I don't know anything about Dungeons and Dragons except that I enjoyed watching the 1980s cartoon series. That's it. You make up a game and play it with a Dungeon Master which sounds like a weird sexual thing. Like something involving those BDSM guys. Smacking and hitting each other. DURING THE SEXY TIMES. It takes different strokes to move the world guys. Alan Thicke even told us. Whatever happened to Robin Thicke and everyone getting angry about his song. Remember that? I like getting angry over pointless things. Oh wait no I don't. Anyway this is the worst of the NES Dungeons and Dragons games. You get a bunch of characters and they are all useless as fuck. Fighting enemies is the shittiest thing in the world and you really should just try to avoid them whenever you can. That's not good for a you know VIDEO GAME. The other problem is the really really really dull looking backgrounds in this maze game. Everything looks so fucking similar that you have to really pay attention or just use a fucking video guide because it's 2026. Once you know what to do this really shitty game only takes 15-20 minutes to beat. Portnoyd beat it for the NES Bounty and I don't know how he did it. I think everyone (except Strx and Ratix who had like 30) had one "fucking what" game we beat. My game was the Terminator. Holy shit do I have things to say about that game when we get to it. Jesus fuck. Anyway Heroes of the Lance sucks and I feel bad for anyone who liked Dungeons and Dragons because you were considered to be in league with Satan by weirdos with too much free time or you had to play this to get your fix. It's like living within a world of shit. Sad.

 This is a pretty alright pinball game for the NES. Done by Rare based on a Williams pinball game. I watched my mom play some pinball game once. I think it was some movie game. She was pretty good I thought. I don't think she'd be able to do it now. I don't know why I brought this up. This game is as I said fine but it's like Heavy Shreddin. You have a lot of other better Pinball options on the NES. My personal favorite was also made by Rare and is called Pinbot. Pinbot is a better game than this one in EVERY way. Hell I like Pinball the black box game more than this. There's not much to say about this pinball game really and I now have to wait for portnoyd to yell at Rare because he's too much of a SALTY WIMP to beat Battle Toads. It's been several decades now portnoyd, give it up!

 

GOOD GAMES: 135

BAD GAMES: 95

OKAY GAMES/HAVENT AGED WELL: 37

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 5