NES Game Reviews #55: John Elway and Jordan play Joust in the Jungle Book's pages. While on a Journey to Silius. Also Joshua is there too. I guess. These titles are really bad.

 

You know what's funny is that I said I'd try to make less NES posts like two days ago in Discord and now I'm already deciding against that. I mean yes, I do have a list of things that are not NES related that I would like to discuss for you all within this blog. It's a decent sized list but at least two of those things I can't do until the weather gets better and you can walk around easier. And two of them I can't do until I sit down and watch two tv shows in their entirety. However I'm going to be looking around for other things that I said I would do to make posts on. I know there's a big one but I'm still not really up to starting that right now. Anyway I'm not feeling great and I'm also worried and I also want to kill time so there's nothing better for that than talking about six games for the Nintendo Entertainment System and then having portnoyd discuss them too. It's a lot of fun and I do enjoy it. I just also want to get to the stuff on the list. Anyway, time to discuss six games and hopefully at least enjoy talking about four of them. That's actually a pretty good ratio.

 

This is one of the many sports games I never played. This is probably the one positive thing I can say about this game is that I like that this reviewing every NES game is having me talk about EVERY NES game to some degree, which means finally playing like the less than twenty games I have never talked about. From 1998 when I got into collecting NES games until like 2007 I was really only going for the best games, my favorite ones. The stuff that I knew I would play. However sometime in 2007 I got a bug up my ass because I had like 250 or so games that I enjoyed playing and felt like hey let's go for the full set. I sold all of my games in 2014 and wish I had kept them in boxes for like six years. It's amazing how selling those games for like WAY too much money made me happy then but it's kinda fucked realizing that Little Samson now goes for 2k. I sold it for like 700 or so. I spent 50 bucks on that copy. I don't know why I'm talking about rarity because this game is one of the least rare games made for the NES. Copies of this game will exist after the apolcalpyse. Right along side VHS tapes of Titanic and Jerry Maguire. I do not get why  there were so many copies of Jerry Maquire. I thought it was not very exciting when I saw it, but yes. I spent $2 on this game, when every one who sold NES games at the flea market (or any other games) made their games at least $5. That two dollars could have gone to buy something much more enjoyable. Like a kick to the nads. This game somehow moves slower than 10 Yard Fight. 10 Yard Fight at least has a reason why it sucks and is no fun. It was like one of the first damn Famicom games in 1983. This game came out in 1989. The same year as Mega Man 2, TMNT and Ninja Gaiden to name a few. This game is a huge embarrasment. This is the worst game Rare had anything to do with. This has to be the worst football game for the NES, right? I fucking hope so.

 

 This is yet another sports game I have never played. Here's the thing about sports games I feel that the majority of them are games you really have to play with a second person. I do not have anyone in my life who wants to play ratty old NES sports games when they have 10000 better choices. Very few sport games seem to hold up from the NES era and this is not one of the ones that too. This is a very dull looking and playing game. It's just not exciting. I really wish I could say more but I can't. This was also a $2 purchase in a time when $2 was not the go too. I can't even call this the worst basketball game because I'm sure there is another one. It's a very boring game that probably wasn't very well liked whenever it came out. Despite there also being like 912031 copies of this game out there. I really know I am in the minority when it comes to sports loving but I'm sure there were better options than this back then right? Arch Rivals was a better game. so was Double Dribble. This is just boring shit.

 

 Wisdom Tree adds such a weird flavor to the NES. For two reasons. One it was the second name change for Color Dreams. Yes Color Dreams was THREE companies. Color Dreams, Bunch Games and Wisdom Tree. They just changed their name three times. The second reason is they put out a lot of Jesus-y religion games out on the NES (and oddly enough Game Boy and Genesis) which adds a weird flavor to the games. There's interesting questions to ask the people who worked on these games and I would love to be able to do that. I don't think I could figure out a single question to ask about the previous two games. As for this game. I must admit it's not bad. I think it was the sequel to Exodus which was done on the Crystal Mines engine. I must admit I think the puzzles in this game are better and more fair than either of those games. The only problem is, if I feel like playing a puzzle game. I'm seriously going for one of the Lolo games, Kickle Cubicle or Fire N Ice. This is a game I've played off and on and only ever gotten to like level 20 or so. I think. It gets to the TOO HARD AND ANNOYING point way too quickly and I dunno, not in love with that. I'm gonna have to put this in the okay pile because it's still a decent $5 pick up. I mean if you are like an ULTRA SUPER PUZZLE FANATIC who eats up Lolo and Tetris and everything even remotely puzzle-y then yeah this is a worthy addition and will probably keep you entertained for a while. For people who are like me who enjoy puzzle games but aren't going to rush to play everything it's simply just okay. Still would love to talk to that Nina lady. I bet she's cool as hell!

 I remember back in the NES SCENE DAYS OF YORE this was a game the OTHER PEOPLE would like. YHou know the non-NESecisty people. THE ROYAL RANGER LIKERS (which I am one of. He was a nice guy). It just reminds me that there was a time when you could have several forums for NES games and have people who didn't like others on one side. It was wild but also kinda fun. I dunno. I was sixteen and it was entertaining to get into a flame war because RandX got a bug up his ass because Sappy called Pokemon gay. I have no idea why RandX ever stayed in the same chatroom as Sappy for more than a minute but to be fair I don't know why anyone stayed in a chatroom with Sappy. Dude just liked to get a rise out of people. Not that RandX wasn't foolish as hell at times. I don't know why I am bringing this up but this game reminds me of that era. RoyalRanger was a big fan. I know STRX10 was a big fan. Everyone who played it was a big fan of it at the time. Except one person. That person was me. I loved every other Sunsoft game I played but I could never get into this one. I could never beat the first level. However in like 2006 I finally decided while trying to beat as many games as I could (again with Strx) I pretty much put this game into the NES and played it until I could beat the first stage and became a HUGE FAN. This is a great game. Seriously I think if it had stayed as a Terminator game which it originally was going to be it COULD have taken the top spot for best Licensed game and when you realize how good Batman and Gremlins 2 were that's high fucking praise. All of the weapons are really cool and the levels are fun and varied. The music is fantastic and the graphics are incredible. The challenge is pretty good too. Once you really get a feel for the game you can get through it. This is one of the best 100 games and I'm glad I finally did see what everyone else saw. I used to call this game Journey to Sillyass because I make terrible jokes. Play this game if you haven't.

 

This is an arcade hit! As it says on the box. I mean SUPER arcade hit. Sorry. Anyway I have never played Joust on the arcade but I do think this NES version is pretty good. You play as a knight who flies around on an ostrich Jousting other knights into lava. The level gets harder and harder to play on the longer you play and you just play wanting to get points or until you feel you have to do something else. These are perfect kinda games to just play 15 minutes of to let off some steam. I dunno if I could do it like other arcade guys do and play this on an actual arcade for 40295 hours to get an insane high score that someone then makes a documentary out of, but I do enjoy playing these games. They are simple but tough. Even when they get hard they never lose that simplicity. It never becomes like you have to do a billion things to get to the next stage. However this might be blasphemy to some but I like Balloon Fight a bit more than I like this game. I think Balloon Fight just has more variety which is better. Not to say that this isn't worthy of being in your collection (if you you know collect these days like a stupid idiot). Still these games never get THE ALMIGHTY BLOWJOB from new collectors and they deserve it more than fucking Stadium Events that's for fucking sure!

 The Jungle Book might just be the worst movie Walt Disney had something to do with. This was the last movie he personally had something to do with and was released after his death in 1967. The movie has 15 minutes of plot and like 45-50 minutes of dancing. I don't even think it makes it to 70 minutes. It's very nicely animated dancing but seriously Baloo and the kid whos name I can't spell piss around for the majority of the movie until the plot comes back in at the last 5 minutes. It's amazing how they put again 15 minutes of plot in a movie that might have barely made it to 70 minutes. It's not great. I've seen it I think twice in my life and both times I was not very impressed. I don't know why I brought up a movie review but I felt like it. I did at least one point say I would review as much Disney content as I could and there you finally got a Disney movie review. Anyway I had The Jungle Book on the SNES as a kid and I wasn't a big fan of it. I played it recently and am not a big fan of it. I no joke think this NES version, one of the last NES games to ever be released is much better. It showed that the NES still had some power left in her. They could have kept making games but seeing as Nintendo and Virgin are companies and they need to make money and most people were not playing NES then. I'm sure many NO IM NOT BUYING YOU A SUPER NINTENDO parents had relented and bought one by 1994. Anyway unlike the SNES game where you can go straight to the end if you know where it is, this game you have to pick up a bunch of gems before you go to find Baloo. The levels are nice and in size but never really too big that you get lost (except in like one level I believe, with the treehouses that bring you to different areas) in. It's a decently challenge, has pretty good graphics (but they look a little weirdly dark to me?) good music and I dunno I enjoy playing it. That's all I can really say about this game in the end is that I enjoyed playing through it and would probably do it again.

 

GOOD GAMES: 147

BAD GAMES: 118

OKAY GAMES: 47

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER GO AWAY: 5

GAMES TOTAL:  317

 

NES Game Reviews #54: James Bond Jr. and the Jetsons Fight Jaws With Jimmy Conners While on Jeopardy!

 

Hey look it's two of the cartoons made by REGNIALD HAGGARDY and LEON BARBARY. Yeah that's right Port I DID THE JOKE BEFORE YOU COULD. So this is an ad for several Flintstones and Jetsons games. I have not played the Sega Genesis or Game Boy games. Maybe I'll review all of the Sega Genesis and Game boy games. It would be interesting because there are so many from both libraries that I have not even touched once. Anyway this is a neat AD from Taito and I guess they made all those games. Whatever happened to Taito? I'm guessing they got so big that a bigger company bought them up becuase that's what happens it seems. Anyway they make pretty good stuff and I would put them in fourth when it comes to third party developers behind Konami, Capcom and Sunsoft. Anyway let's review some more games. Woo.

 This is a shitty european made game. I don't even know what games europeans make these days but back in the day they made annoying shit. I like Alfred Chicken on the NES but the rest of them are ugly ugly games made by Ocean which make me shit my pants in a hateful rage. This game is not made by Ocean so it's a little better. Your character moves kinda slowly and on a very tight timer where you have to go all over a level just to find computers to stop rockets. To stop these rockets you have to do sliding puzzles and I fucking hate sliding puzzles. Getting them in a loot bag at the end of a birthday party was like getting a dog turd or a punch to the face. They were just annoying, unpleasant and not fun. Ever. Even though the two I've been able to get to in this stupid, stupid game. This game has weird controls as I mentioned above. The enemies, even simple ones take like 83402940 hits and then you have to wait for your weapon to refill a little bit WASTING TIME ON THE FUCKING TIMER. It's also a pain in the ass to move to different kinds of weapons and stuff. I do not really like this game but  I will admit the graphics and music are pretty well done for the time period. It's just everything else that annoys me. Still I do come back to this game hoping one day to beat it. Also in the cartoon this is based on James Bond Jr is actually James Bond's nephew and THAT MEANS HE IS NOT A FUCKING JUNIOR AND HE SHOULD STOP FUCKING LYING AND BE ARRESTED FOR STOLEN VALOUR. YOU AINT SHIT JAMES BOND JR FUCK YOU.

 Some people really really really dig this game. To be fair I can see why. There is something here with this game that actually was not based on the original classic film but the fourth movie in the franchise. Jaws the Revenge, a movie so boring and terrible that not even I will bother to defend it. Anyway you go from one area to another leveling up and trying to fight Jaws. Then you stab him in the gut with the boat's pointy thing. Look I'm not a fucking boat captain here. Piss off. And you win the game. I can see why people enjoy this game but I think it's just a tad too simple. They needed a bit more meat on the bone for this one. I don't know what they could have added but it's just not $60 in 1988 or whenever it came out worthy. More like $5 worthy. You could seriously beat this in less than 10 minutes if you know what to do with the boat stabby shit. Not awful but I can't put it in the GOOD GAMES pile either.

 

Taking yet another mulligan here. And I will probably end up taking another one when it comes to Wheel of Fortune. There were four Jeopardy games on the NES and I could not do four mini paragraph long reviews for all four. I only have so much to say about these games.  Which is this, in one player mode the game is very very very uninteresting. However this CAN be a fun trivia game when played with other people. I've done it before and it was pretty great. I like the fact that three people can play the game but I couldn't have three people play it because I did not have a Four Score. Yep, that's all I have to say about Jeopardy and I will be putting all four of them in the OKAY section, seeing as it's not easy for me to get people to play NES with me and when it's one player it's just not all that great. That's what I think at least. On to the next game!

 

Oh hey, this is the Jetsons made by ANDORE BARNYARD AND JOHANN HANDLEBAR-MUSTACHE. SEE PORT THIS IS WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE A GOD DAMNED LUNATIC CRAZY MAN. Anyway this is based on the Cartoon series that started in the 1960s, got a second season in the 1980s and stayed around until sometime in the 2000s. Seriously The Jetsons adn the Flintstones were like the second and third most popular Hanna Barbera things until they just seemed to dissappear. It's very weird. TV channels stopping rerunning them and people stopped caring. They talked many times about a live action show or a movie starring Jim Carey and I don't think Jim Carey would do a good George Jetson. Anyway this is a pretty good game overall but it gets pretty hard and the item usage is connected to something you pick up and if you don't have those pickups to power the item and sometimes the jumping can be really off. Otherwise I still like this game and I get to do my favorite thing which is PISS ON NEWER COLLECTORS. There are like 12 copies of this game on ebay right now, some with the box and manual. It is NOT rare. Rare is one copy on ebay once a year. This game is uncommon. Hell I'm pretty sure I saw a copy after I bought mine here in Newfoundland and once something comes to Newfoundland it is no longer rare. This game is not worth 1 grand complete. I'm betting Portnoyd is very happy he probably paid like I dunno 100 for this game complete in like 2005. If anyone says this game is rare punch them in the gonads. Hard.

 

 

 Would you believe that this is a well done, easy to pick up, fun to play, tennis game where I can actually score points!?? No! Well you'd be right. I'm just BEING A STINKER like my HERO Bugs Bunny. This is a game I played for like 2 minutes before I lost an entire game by playing against the FASTEST TENNIS PLAYER OF ALL TIME. Seriously it was amazing. I don't know if I was up against JIMMY CONNORS in the first match or what but I lost so quick I didn't even get a chance ot find out how the controls work and THAT WAS ON THE BEGINNER mode. I then said fuck you and turned the game off. I'm sorry but I'll try with most other NES games at least a little bit but I just can't do it with 95% of sports games. I just simply do not give one iota of a shit about it. It's actually kind of comical how little I care. Anyway fuck this game in the nose.

 

 

 I really quite like the Joe and Mac games for the Super Nintendo. They were two games I played a LOT of as a kid (especially part 2) and still have a lot of fondness for. The NES version is however kinda rubbish. It's VERY downgraded from the SNES version and in today's world where you really do have a choice in playing both you'd really go for the SNES games. This game just feels smaller, cheaper and just thrown out to get some extra money from NES owners who just couldn't get a SNES for whatever reason. Despite all of it just feeling so lackluster and thrown together the WORST part is that you have to hold up o nthe direction pad to get a bigger jump and you WILL have to do this because the regular jump is horse shit for assholes. This is not a very fun game but I somehow beat it twice. I will put it in the bad category.

GOOD GAMES: 144

BAD GAMES: 116

OKAY GAMES: 46

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER GO AWAY: 5

TOTAL GAMES:  311

NES Game Reviews #53: Iron Tank & the Isolated Warrior Frolic in a Joyful Valley with Jackal and Jackie Chan. Infiltrator and Jack Nicklaus are told to fuck off.

 

You can tell by the title that I'm at least going to enjoy discussing four of the six games today. That's pretty good. Anyway I just had to talk about something that wasn't Marville so don't expect two posts every day but who the hell knows. This blog is gonna to be overflowing with content soon enough. You'll get sick reading this stuff. Anyway I own a LOT of comics from the late 1980s and early 1990s and I have NOT seen this Joint AD for Jackal and Contra until right now. SO that's pretty cool. I'm glad I started to do the post an ad of one of the six games I discuss at the top of the page of each blog post. It's really cool because old video game ads were pretty great. Anyway let's get into these six games and the SPECIAL 300TH GAME!!!! WOAH!!!

 

 You know there's a time and a place for putting a lot into a game. Sometimes it's neat to have a lot of things to do. However this game already starts off on the wrong foot because it's not the type of game where yo uneed for it to be so complicated. This game has you fhaving to figure out so many things just to get the fucking plane of the ground. And for what, so you can do a bunch of Top Gun shit. You gotta go through like 10 different things and try to get it all worked out so you can fly around and do the shooting at planes. No one wants that. Just get to the fucking plane shooting shit. Something every other game like this did. You pressed A or B and you instantly got to the plane shooting shit. You gotta do all kinds of stuff just to play a game you don't wanna play. You gotta start the game and pick the right stuff and figure out how to just fly the damn game. This is actually another game I never played and I think it might be the last one I needed to actually try out. I hope it isn't because at least Hillsfar and The Immortal didn't have you jump through nintey six stupid hoops so you can play the damn game. Fuck the infiltrator. You play as someone called Jimbo Baby. What kind of dumb fucking shit is that. I couldn't even get the plane off the ground and don't want to figure otu how too. It should be easy as hell to do that, Like not even looking at a manual easy. I'm going to do something better like slam my penis in a car door.

 Iron Tank is a game I have a lot of history with. It was no joke one of the first NES games I remember buying when I got my second NES in like 1998. I actually don't know if I bought it or if it came with said NES. I just know that I got this VERY early on. It was very much one of the first fifty games I got for my collection and it has a special place in my heart for that. I mean it still has some flaws but I was willing to at least try and play it. I never did get far until we had THE NES BOUNTY. I still haven't beaten this game. Most people consider it pretty easy but I still can't beat this one. The game has good music, pretty good graphics for the time. A big world to explore. The only problems with this game is that it seems you can get lost pretty easily and your tank gets stuck on things. You can also run out of ammunition near the end when the game seems to want to fuck you in the butthole. Still I would say it is worth the $5 I paid for it and probably is still $5. It's kinda nice to know that something at least worth owning for the NES is still as low as $5. It's not amazing but I still like this little game, even with its weird controls.

 In between 1996 when I wanted to get back into NES but my mother was like no I'm not buying one of them for you and 1998 when I finally got one, I would go to my cousins, both of which were younger than me and they had a NES and a Sega Master System. I don't know how they got them but they did. They had TMNT, Blaster Master, I think a Mario game and Isolated Warrior. Later on they would get Castlevania II, RoboCop 3 and Raid 2020. It was clearly THE most random collection of games anyone could have for any system. We would play them a lot. Mostly TMNT, the mario game and Blaster Master. I don't think I played this game until I got a copy of it. I was mostly into reliving memories or playing games people really talked about like Blaster Master. However I really think this game should get more discussion. It is a over head isometric shooter game where you gotta shoot alot of weird fucking shit. This might be one of the weirder shooters. It's a decent challenge and I still have to beat it. I have gotten to the last level. It mostly has the same issue most shooters have in that if you lose one life when you get far in the game you might as well start over from level 1 because it will be easier to upgrade your weapon. Another weird thing is that the bosses show no like damage until they die. Still this is a pretty worthwhile game to own and I think anyone reading this that isn't portnoyd should give it a whirl. I'm sure he has already played it. If he hasn't he should.

 Oh good Golf. I really do not have any more Golf movies to talk about. I have not seen Happy Gilmore 2 or Tin Cup. Who knows if I ever will? I dunno. I could I guess talk about the movie Who's Your Caddy? where a rap guy annoys a bunch of stuffy white people (one of which was played by Jeffery Jones in one of his last Non-Deadwood appearances) but I really do not remember that movie at all. So sadly I cannot do that joke again. I forget was this the guy Donald Trump talked about. I know he randomly talked about some golfers penis and then got to be President again. I don't really want to get poltiical but I'm amazed that people were all BIDENS BRAIN IS DEAD AND GONE ALL SOUPY but will be like TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP as if his brain isn't the soupiest shit out there. I dunno. This game seems to be kinda shitty honestly. It seems very not nicely made for Konami. It's like I kinda expected better. Like something easier to figure out and also nicer looking. I dunno. I will not really spend my time trying to figure this out because I simply do not give a shit.

 Game 300 is no joke one of THE best NES games. One the top 5 made by Konami and I do not wnat ot hear otherwise. Jackal is a overhead shooter I guess. You play as a Jeep and you have to rescue guys and get outta town. You can run over dudes and shoot them and it feels so good. I will literally drive everywhere and shoot everything. I don't know what it is, I think it's the sound effects but Jesus it feels SO good to do it. The game has a lots of power ups which just makes things even more fun. The levels are well thought out and varied . The challenge is fair, each level gets a little bit harder than the last. You CAN beat this game and even get incredibly good at it but you won't fly through it the first time you play it. The music is bangin' and the graphics are well done. It's literally everything you'd expect for a NES game. If you can only buy 100 NES games this game better be fucking one of them or I will take a greasy shit AND a foamy shit on your collection. You will not want to play your games after I've been there so fucking buy a copy of Jackal. The only problem with this game is that sometimes your Jeep can get caught. That's it! I'm glad this was game 300 and not Jack Nicklaus and his 18 holes of fucking horse shit.

 

 This is such a weird game to me. I mean Jackie Chan is pretty popular and well liked now but in 1990 you really would be hard pressed to find people in America who liked him. I mean probably a big nerd who was into asian shit like anime and Hong Kong movies but they were harder to find then they are now. Throw a rock these days and you'll probably hit someone whos into that stuff, but in 1990. You probably got laughed at BY the nerds. I respect those anime/asian shit nerds of the past. They knew what was up long before any of us. Anyway I'm seriously amazed that he got two games and they were NOT renamed. In 1990 Jackie Chan to Americans was the funny Chinese dude who was in The Cannonball Run. You might have known of the Protector or The Big Brawl if you were like BIGASIAFAN62 on Usenet or something. I'm glad Rush Hour changed that and brought all of his 1980s Hong Kong movies to the fore front. They are seriously entertaining. I'm glad Rush Hour brought him to America because he got to be in a lot of stuff and he deserves it. He's very likable. Rush Hour (or any of its sequels) aren't on the top of my list for Jackie Chan stuff but they helped bring in the INCREDIBLY AWESOME stuff so they deserve respect just for that. Anyway this game is incredibly cartoony (seriously the cartoony sprite does not look like Jackie Chan at all) but it's also really fun. You get all kinds of different fighting styles to play around with and the game has great music and play control, a fair challenge and all that stuff that makes a game good. It's very much worth a look.

Next time I might have to take another mulligan because REALLY I do not want to talk about four Jeopardy games in a row.

GOOD GAMES: 142

BAD GAMES: 113

OKAY GAMES: 41

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER BLAH GO AWAY: 5

TOTAL OVERALL: 301 

The Comic Review #105: Marville #3-7 (2002)

 

Well, it's after our 500th post. Did you know that I would post less because I didn't want to go past the 500th post and have it just be like a bunch of random NES games (If I were talking about NES games for the 500th post I would have wanted to talk about my favourites and probably talked about way too many games honestly). So you can now expect me to be talking a bit more on this blog. I have a good sized list of things I want to talk about in the next little while. A bunch of stuff that's been clogging up the old noggin or stuff that I forgot about and just realized (yes I said I would talk about that) I really should finally talk about Disney movies because I said I wanted to review as many of them as I could for some project that even has a damn page on this site. I also want to get into other things like manga. I'd like to review some of them for this. And stuff like Tintin and Asterix and all kinds of independent stuff. And do stuff with Marvel and DC that I somehow have not. It's gonna be a good time on the Comic Review (just imagine I quit for five months here haha. Port, don't let me do that ok?)

So, you might be asking, CLAW WHAT THE HELL IS MARVILLE? Well Marville is a comic book, it might just be the worst damn comic book of all time. It was written by Bill Jemas who was Editor in Chief at the time. He would say things in PUBLIC like "Bad Girls for fan boys, sometimes I call them date books. We have quite a few male readers who live in the basement of their parent's house in Queens. For them, an evening with Elektra is as good as it gets" That's from a fucking god damned interview. The head of the company is being a condescending dickhead to people who give him money and keep him in a fucking job.. I think I may hate this guy more than I should for a human being I've never met. He got into a pissing match with Peter David. It was over continuity. He felt Peter was getting too into some obscure continuity. Peter David might have done that in his Captain Mar-Vell comic but I'll say this Peter David is a writer that can easily bring you up to speed with some obscure continuity. Anyway his Captain Mar-Vell book wasn't doing amazing numbers (because you know it's connected to Captain Mar-Vell and none of those characters were the greatest sellers) and Bill was like I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO MAKE A COMIC, PETER. This was that comic. 

I'm going to rip off a bandage here, just because I already metaphorically ripped one off earlier. I am going to review the last issues of this book that I need to review here in this one post. I just cannot come coming back to this any more. It's just so bad. So buckle in boys as we re-count Marville #1 and Marville #2 because It's time to shut the door on this messy fucking turd. You know it's serious when I both bold and italicize something. So buckle the fuck in portnoyd because this is gonna be a wild fucking ride. 

So our story starts in 5002. 3000 years from 2002 when this comic was published. It has Ted Turner and Jane Fonda sending their child Kal-AOL back in time because they believe the earth is doomed. It's like Superman but with time travel. Anyway he meets this lady and then makes a joke about how he has a convoluted DC Characters backstory and I'm like Fucking Supermans story is literally a re-working of the god damn story of fucking Moses you crackhead. His backstory is literally the least convoluted of all time and makes perfect sense for a superhero. Even portnoyd who oozes hatred for Superman and all of DC except for Batman would not be able to disagree with this. It's like what the fuck. Anyway so a Dog that was sent back in time with him helps him knock out a bank robber and every time he knocks out the bank robber during the story a police officer gives him money. I understand Tim and Eric jokes better than I understand Bill Jemas jokes and that's not a good thing.  After all this he ends up deciging to be a MARVEL Superhero and I'm like oh wow Bill Jemas you sure do know subtlety. I mean most comic books are very on the nose and I'm okay with that but Bill here takes it to a new level I didn't know even existed. His parents also send him back underwear for some reason. Yeah I don't get any of this shit. This was issue one.

So Kal-AOL and his new lady friend Sandy, I don't think that was her actual name but I do not care. It is Sandy now. They talk about how Kal-AOL wants to be a hero. He tries to give 100 dollars to a random man but said money is stolen by Rush Limbaugh. They also have to tell us it's Rush Limbaugh because while the artist of this comic has done good work before, it's not the best here and he wa snot very good at making comic people look like the real people they were supposed to. It's not a gift all artists have you know. Plus do you really blame him for not putting in 100 percent? I sure as hell wouldn't. Anyway after Rush gets the money he tells them he shouldn't be giving this man any money. The homeless man turns out to be Peter David. Bill portrays him as a drunken homeless bum. I would have walked into his office and literally punched him right in the goddamn face for this but that's just me. Kal-AOL then starts giving money to everyone he meets. A Batman parody apparently shows up and then Iron Man and the Black Panther show up and start killing people and Iron Man says some racist stuff. I am not joking about this. Here fine, here's said image:

 See. I do not make things up. I really do not know what was going on with this. Anyway they then decide to go after the Kingpin so they get a guy who works for him and Daredevil gets him off. Daredevil would want to get him off if he were actually innocent but its clearly shown he isn't. Daredevil is protrayed as an uncaring I just want money Lawyer. That's so far from Daredevil's actual character. Spider Man and the Punisher show up and they get into the Kingpins office and he somehow turns out to be Spike Lee. Yes, the film director. He then says black people can be criminals too and I am literally just re-writing what I wrote in my first two reviews to get you all up to speed and I'm being reminded of how much it does not work and how much it hurts my fucking brain and also soul.

 The second issue finally mercifully ends with Ted Turner and his wife Jane Fonda (who are not together and would not magically be alive in the year 5002) decide to send Kal-AOL and Sandy somewhere else. I wrote the last review of this comic in 2021. November 21s to be exact. Four years and some months ago. Now it's finally time to put this beast to bed. Ok, this is where it starts to stop being a parody comic that's not funny into a comic where they discuss ethics and religion and God. Yes, you know the incredibly important and PERSONAL stuff that really kinda makes up who you are. Yes that's what is going to be discussed now. You know the kinda stuff that literally starts arguments. The kind of stuff most poeple want to avoid discussing. Yep. Al is depressed because he feels like a bad guy because plants are alive technically and he feels bad when he eats them but not as bad when he eats cows so he decides to go back to meet God with his time machine. This is also not written in panels but like this:

I don't like the way it looks and wonder why the hell he couldn't try to get it into word balloons or try some other way. Sometimes comic writers before this tried to write stories without word balloons and they put it out in a vastly different and nicer to fucking look at way. Jesus FUCKING Christ. So they go to Heaven and see God differently. Wow what a concept not a single person has ever done before. But yeah, Heaven apparently isn't in some kind of Cloud world or something or some other dimension or whatever the hell. No, it's in outer space and they just stand around. In Outer space. They then argue about all the same damn things you do whenever you have an argument between someone who believes and somehow who does not. Not a single comment that would make either side go "shit I don't know how to answer that" Seriously. Someone who isn't a BORING FUCKING ASSHOLE of a human being might be able to come up with something interesting. They then watch God show them the start of creation or something. I seriously do not know what Bill Jemas was smoking when he wrote all of this but it should have been fucking outlawed. They then argue some more and then move on to see Jurassic era. Dinosaurs are cool but this is literally without a doubt the first time I have not wanted to see them. Ever.

First off Kal calls it Jurassic Park and not the Jurassic era. This just annoys me for some fucking reason but I can't put my finger on it. They then go there and argue some more about if life is created or not. You know the second you put GOD INTO YOUR STORY YOU SHOULDN'T BE WRITING A DAMN FUCKING STORY ABOUT IF LIFE WAS CREATED BY DESIGN OR JUST RANDOM. HE'S FUCKING GOD AND HE CREATED LIFE. JESUS CHRIST. They went back to regular word balloons because you know THAT'S HOW THIS SHIT WORKS 99.99999% OF THE DAMN TIME YOU TURDS. So they travel through time and I guess God creates this talking Dinosaur or it just shows up. I'm seriously flipping through this shit as fast as I can because I just don't care about Bills little discussion. Despite all this I still care more about this review than Bill did for this entire fucking story. The Dinosaur is named Snorts or Snots or some fucking shit and it runs off and God aka Jack runes after him. They find him and Jack-God. Also don't think he called him Jack because Jack Kirby was one of the main people who created Marvel's comic universe, no he called him Jack so he could make a GOD DOESNT DO JACK SHIT JOKE LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL ARE YOU LAUGHING YET LAUGHING WOOO! Jack-God then talks about tribal stuff because the Dinosaurs invited them into their tribe or some shit. The Dinosaurs are then attacked by other dinosaurs and I'm wishing I never started this blog. The bad dinosaurs win and get the children dinosaurs and it seems like the adult dinosaurs just don't give a shit. I hate this more than I have ever hated anything before. 

Now they talk about how people use only 10% of their brain and the other 90% has not been programmed yet. I believe this has been shown to be a complete and utter fucking hoax since this comic has been written and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they thought this was a hoax then but people just had already ran with it and it became a "fact" They finally talk about the asteroid that will hit the earth. They meet an otter and I DO NOT THINK OTTERS WERE AROUND IN THE FUCKING JURASSIC ERA. IF YOU ARE GOING TO TURN YOUR GOD DAMNED COMIC BOOK INTO A SCIENCE LECTURE PLEASE TELL ME THINGS THAT ARE ACTUAL TRUTHFUL YOU GOD DAMNED FUCKER. They leave to see things evolve and they take the otter with them. as a biological clock of sorts. I dunno. They then see things evolve and I guess Jack is now not God? I don't know or care how this happened but Kal-AOL (you know the guy this comic was originally about) asked how God could let so much death happen? It's like a child tried to discuss the most serious fucking topic you can discuss. Jesus fuck.

Oh, and the otter becomes Wolverine while they are time traveling he becomes Wolverine. He doesn't look like Wolverine or really act like him except going IM THE BEST AT WHAT I DO HAUGHAUDSHFA This entire issue is just word after word of some kind of science lecture that dips into religious stuff and I just don't care anymore. I am skipping this fucking horse shit. I don't want to be lectured by someone who got half of the damn story BILL. Issue six is literally a recap of the first five issues. No joke, just Bill showing us that he could have put all of this GOD DAMN FUCKING HORSE SHIT INTO ONE ISSUE but he had to draw it out for five fucking issues. He then talks about bringing back Epic Comics an imprint Marvel had so NEW WRITERS JUST LIKE YOU can tell stories that are not in the usual Marvel Wheelhouse like Marville. I hate to break it to you Bill but this rubbish heap is in no one's wheelhouse. The final issue is about how to get into Epic Comics and seeing as they don't publish that stuff (or ever did. I do not know much about comics of this era) anymore this comic is completely useless. Just like the rest of Marville.

The contest they had that I mentioned in the first post on this fucking comic was of course won by Peter David. Peter David has since passed away. People all over the place who were into the stuff he wrote were very sad about it. I will also admit that I did not know much about the Captain Marvel book from the late 90s/early 00s. Just that it was connected to the  original Captain Marvel, sorry but Carol Danvers and Monica Rambeau were better characters than him. Captain Mar-Vell from Marvel Comics in the late 1960s was possibly the most boring character ever created by Marvel Comics. I can at least see what people see in Deadpool. I cannot see anything in Captain Mar-Vell. He was clearly thrown together at the last minute to scoop up a copyright other companies might have wanted to use. I think the Captain Marvel of the late 90s was his son or something. I still don't know much about said series. However just hearing Peter David was connected to it makes me want to read it. Which I'm sure I will do. Maybe even review it. 

For Bill Jemas and this book. It's the worst comic book I've ever read. Every single Marvel Comic written in the last 87 fucking years is better than this. All of them and not just a little bit better but leaps and bounds better. Same with DC Comics, all of the comics they've written in their 91 year history are better. All of them. I don't want to argue this point at all, portnoyd or I WILL make you read Marville. And that's not a threat. It's a promise. I will go even farther. Marville is the worst thing I've ever talked about for this blog. Mama's Family, The New Adventures of He-Man, Charles in Charge, Monster By Mistake and every other thing I've takled about that I did not enjoy I would watch again and apperciate more. Even things I have not talked about on this blog like before this the worst piece of media I had encountered was the 1981 low budget horror film Night of Horror. A movie were literally nothing happens until the last 5 minutes where some bozos talk to confederate ghosts. It was incredibly terrible and is still very very bad. However the people behind it first had passion for this stuff and secondly knew at least what they wanted from their story. Marville does not know that in any way. Marville goes from a parody comic to a religious discussion from the worst person to discuss said stuff to a fucking science lecture that you have to pay for. It is a aimless, annoying, poorly made piece of something. I don't even know what to call it because calling it garbage, rubbish or shit is unfair to those things. I'll just say that you know the saying bottom of the barrel. well Marville does not even deserve to be in the goddamn barrel to begin with. Fuck Marville.

 

  

TV You Forgot About #13: The Care Bears..........and More Star Trek

 

The Care Bears Family was a pretty weird show. It was a SEQUEL to the DiC series. I do not consider this series seasons 2-4 of the DiC stuff. Different animation studio = different show even if it has the same characters. Anyway They would do stuff like this 4 episode long Star Trek parody thing, then they'd do an episode about exercising. They really weren't sure what kinda audience they wanted. I do respect them though, for 8 segments they went and designed all kinds of things like the CARING STATION as pictured above, the S.S. Friendship and new designs or outfits for like all the characters. They clearly had fun with these episodes (and also the Caveman Care Bear episodes that came out after these. If you want me to talk about them just say yes, I can talk about these cuddly little bastards for days!). We have four more segments to talk about, so I think it's time to get to them.

These two are Beastly and Shreeky, who I mentioned several times in my last post. I should have you know shown you guys a picture of them there but I WAS TOO GOSH DARN EXICTED TO TALK ABOUT THE CARE BEARS TO DO SO. Anyway this episode involves Captain Brave Heart Lion feeling like he is not needed as his crew seems to know what they have to do and do it.  The Ship has Hiccups (remember this is a cartoon about colorful bears who want you to love each other) and they have to land on the nearest moon to fix it. Brave Heart Lion leaves his crew to become King of the Moon (which is also the name of this segment) after a huge mistake causes them all to get covered in pies. Brave Heart Lion finds some Moon Dots and start helping them do things like create houses for them to live in. The other Care Bears finally finish up their mission and go look for Brave Heart. They find him and he tells them he is staying to be KING OF THE MOON DOTS and then they get their doofy asses captured by Beastly and Shreeky. Brave Heart Lion comes to the rescue and realizes that his crew still needs him so he tells the Moon Dots TO KISS HIS ASS (not really. they actually build them a city because the Care Bears are NICE AND RESPECTFUL).

 Here is a dilly of a pickle that I would love to know the full story on. Look at those names, both the same first name and same last name. Women usually don't do the JUNIOR thing, that's for like dudes. I'm wondering if it was like a grandparent and a grandchild with the same name. That happens a decent enough amount I'm sure, however I looked them both up on google and only Marjorie K had anything on her which was a obituary. I mean there was an obiturary for A Marjorie E but I don't think it's the same one. There's also a lawyer in Toronto Ontario named Marjorie E. I really wish I knew more but that's that. You can find every time Frank Welker farted in 1977 but any information about Canadian animation wrtiers, animators or voice actors is scarce as shit and well we voiced the Care Bears all the damn time! It's not like Canadian voice actors didn't get into AMERICAN HO RAH FUCK YEAH EARS. Several DiC shows had Canadian voice actors! We dubbed like 42905 animes! We really should know more about these people. So, how is the episode the Marjorie's wrote? Their story involves Hugs and Tugs the little baby Care Bears, which really feels very Grandma-esque. I can see someone born in 1927 (like this Marjorie K Olmsted I found was) writing a story involving the baby cubs. Anyway they are being brought over to Grams Bear who lives on Planet ALPHA FIVE. I wanna live on Planet Alpha Five. Treat Heart Pig is being a LAZY FAT PIECE OF FATTNESS and not paying attention to her job which causes Shreeky and Beastly to be able to kidnap Hugs and Tugs. She literally is eating a giant orange and going WOW THIS TASTES LIKE AN ORANGE. Man this fat pig is a real piece of work in this episode lol. Anyway Grumpy and Brave Heart RAINBOW RESCUE BEAM down to the planet and they save Hugs and Tugs and Treat Heart learns a lesson about how not to be a lazy stupid fat pig idiot.

 

 This is the spaceship that Beastly and Shreeky fly around in. It's literally powered by Beastly riding a bike which I think is pretty amusing. I dunno go watch some Woody Allen hoity toity comedy shit if you don't agree, jerk. Anyway this episode is called Secret of the Box where they got a box from Planet A and have to bring it to Gamma One. Everyone is curious about whats in the box and well i'll tell you. It's bees. Space Bees. The worst kind. Anyway Beastly and Shreeky want the box too and try to steal it THEN the Care Bears open it up and let the Space Bees out. They get turned into a hive and the president of GAMMA ONE comes aboard via the RAINBOW RESCUE BEAM and just uses a whistle to save the day. As a kid I thought the Clown one was the worst but it's clearly this one. Sorry Thomas J. King but you would rank at the bottom. I still had some fun re-watching this though.

 The Final segment is called the Frozen Forest and it's about the CREW OF THE S.S. FRIENDSHIP having a vacation to the planet Perrywinkle. Braveheart Lion calls it things like Pompador and Periscope. It is supposed to be entirely green but they see it has become all frozen over. The entire crew just leaves the ship Via Rainbow Beams (really shouldn't they land or is the ship just on auto pilot. I assume autopilot is really good in like the year 423056 or whenever the hell this takes place. Anyway Beastly and Shreeky follow them so they can catch the Care Bears for Lord No-Heart. The dumb looking idiot alien in the picture above is the reason for all of the problems. He is freezing everything because his friend left him. That way no one can ever leave him. His name is Melvin. He freezes Bright Heart Raccoon one of the Care Bear Cousins and jaunts off. The Care Bears confront him and are like "yo moron if Cutiepie your friend cares about you she'll come back. Stop freezing shit you doe-eyed idiot" Shreeky and Beastly get the freeze ray but Cutiepie comes back and Cutiepie is well a giant fucking weird ass space dinosaur. This freaks the shit out of them so they drop the Freeze ray and it freezes them. We then see the Care Bears enjoying their vacation and everything is unfrozen, you know except Beastly and Shreeky. I guess their Star Trek versions got frozen forever.

 Within these two posts I have spent  2,941 words talking about the Care Bears. Or at least around that amount. So let's finish this up quickly. I had a good time revisiting these episodes but the first two episodes and four segments were clearly better than these last two episdoes and four segments. It's a fun cute little idea that I enjoyed talking about and I hope you did too. I clearly now have talked the most about the Care Bears then anyone else on the internet and I will claim that prize with GLEE!

TV You Forgot About #12: The Care Bears........and Star Trek?!

 

Weirdly enough this post was supposed to be something wildly different. It was the start of a new series of posts where I watch every episode of a tv show and then talk about it instead of just doing a review or discussion or whatever of it's Final Episode. I am still watching said show so you will get a new series of posts. I'm going to keep said show a surprise until it happens because that's fun. Then it was going to be a review of the comic book Civil War because It's a very popular comic book series that I've never read and I fucking hate Mark Millar so it would have been fun. Then I was like oh why not make it three comic reviews about comics in Newfoundland. The SECRET website I go to find comics (even ones I already own but don't want to go looking for) probably ended up giving me a virus so I couldn't review those three stories that revolve around Newfoundland (I would like too but I have to find said Alpha Flight issues and I'm lazy and also cheap). I then decided fuck it let's talk about the Care Bears for the third or fourth or fifth time. That's a thing everyone loves reading about right?

The reason why this post got so many changes is that it is the 500th post. Yes, that's right I wrote 500 blog posts on things like The Transformers, The Smoggies, The Jetsons, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Charles in Charge and Mama's Family. I have somehow stuck with this blog for six years now. I mean I would take random months long hiatius to this blog but I always come back to it, hell I wish I had started it sooner. It's just calming to post some random crap and talk about whatever you want without having some stupid twitter like idiot coming around here. I have portnoyd like idiots around here!!! A HIGHER STANDARD OF IDIOT THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I figured that I would discuss when Star Trek and the Care Bears collided. I should also mention that I have seen very little Star Trek and would call it gay as a child whenever my dad was watching it. However when I was a child something I would not call gay were the Care Bears. I have never made any sense. In the insuing decades I've seen most of the Star Trek movies and three episodes of the Original Series. I would like to watch more but Care Bears or some Fred Olen Ray movie gets in my eyesight and I run towards them instead. What can I say except that I am a creature of habit.

In the Third Season of the Care Bear Family, made during 1988 or so, the writers got tired of coming up with stories for the Care Bears so they just put them into different places. One of those were Cavemen times. They had 8 segments in there OVER four episodes. There were eight SEGMENTS over FOUR episodes. Learn to TV you JERKS on TWITTER saying they were episodes!!!! They did the same exact thing for Space except they put them in a Enterprise looking ship called the S.S. Friendship. It's a great name for a Star Trek like ship for the Care Bears isn't it? Anyway we are going to take a look at all eight segments that took place within four episodes. IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE PEOPLE STOP GETTING IT WRONG.

 The first segment is called "The Thing That Decided to Stay" which sounds like a really bad 1950s b-horror movie that I would probably watch. It was written by John de Klein who did all kinds of things within Animation up here in Canada. Besides writing 8 episodes or segments or whatever of this show he wrote the screenplays to Care Bears Adventure in Wonderland and Babar: The Movie. Also worked on a good amount of other shows. This segment involves Cheer Bear learning that she shouldn't just randomly take animals from planets they visit. Despite doing it at least three times before. She has a lot of animals to take care of already. However they have a quick black out and Chief Brave Heart Lion learns from Scotty I mean Grumpy Bear that they need to get Caring Crystals or they are kaput! They land on the nearest planet. We then see they are being followed by Star Trek-ified versions of the usual bad guys they fight, Shreeky, Mr. Beastly and No Heart. The Care Bears then rainbow-beam down to the planet and Grumpy thinks it tickles. I wonder if the regular Star Trek beam tickles but the people who use it have gotten used to it. Anyway they get on the planet and YES Cheer Bear finds another animal and just picks it up. You know this time this cute little guy is gonna cause some havok which he does when Cheer Bear gives him a cookie. He grows from teeny tiny to like 500 feet. Like he shouldn't even fit on the damn S.S. Friendship. They chart a way to the surface of the planet to let the Nicey Nice (what Cheer Bear called him) off. We then get to see Mr. Beastly's rocket shoes mess up which will come up later. The Nicey Nice is let off and he doesn't want to leave Cheer Bear. However she tricks him but this is when Mr. Beastly and Shreeky come in and try to shoot them with a Vaporizer which apparently also un-vaporizes things too. What a neat weapon. Anyway they try to vaporize the Care Bears but fail just vaporizing the ground underneath. Shreeky takes the weapon from Mr. Beastly and tries to vaporize them before the Nicey Nice comes back and it isn't very Nice right now. it's gonna eat Mr. Beastly and Shreeky and they run off. Cheer Bear then says good bye ot the Nicey Nice after it finds a girlfriend or something. NICEY NICE IS GONNA GET LAID TONIGHT WOO HOO.

 Oh man. This segment is the worst of the bunch and that;s what I thought 30 damn years ago too when I'd watch reruns of this on I dunno NTV or some fucking other channel. I really should do a post on Newfoundland TV aka NTV. It would be a doozy of a time. Anyway this episode has a Space Clown annoy the shit out of Grumpy Bear. The clown puts everyone into a Space Bubble (which is the name of the segment). Grumpy Bear does not want to be a part of this and just pops his balloon with a pick of some kind. Grumpy Bear is my favorite Care Bear because he sounds like an angry stereotypical gay man. It's great. Anyway the Care Bears get easily captured by Beastly and Shreeky and taken to their spaceship. The Clown literally keeps making fun of Mr. Beastly saying he moves slower than a snail which causes Shreeky to start laughing at him. She makes Mr. Beastly then throw him out of the fucking spaceship. This shit is actually kinda wild maybe it's not as bad as 11 year old LIL' CLAW thought. I dunno.  Grumpy Bear saves the Space Clown after fixing his Space Clown Car. They then put Beastly and Shreeky into balloons and leave. This segment ends with Grumpy Bear getting a face full of cake. 

 our third segment, part of our second episode involves Cheer Bear wanting to fly the S.S. Friendship. BUT CAPTAIN BRAVE HEART LION is like you need more experience! That's what they all say and by they I mean MEN who want to keep those BROADS from flying STARSHIPS. Anyway she's back to communications which she refers too as telephone operator. Which made me laugh. Anyway Beastly and Shreeky are on board and they start capturing Care Bears and messing up the engine. One by one they all end up captured except Cheer Bear. She ends up flying the ship by herself, which just goes to show BRAVEHEART LION that WOMEN CAN DO IT TOO. Seriously though, not a lot to talk about here but I still had fun with this one. I can see this being an actual part of an episode of Star Trek but who knows. I'll leave that kinda talk to PORTNOYD and whoever else wants to comment on this. 

 I should mention that every episode so far starts with Captain Brave Heart Lion going CARE DATE 1.520 or whatever just like Captain Kirk would go Star Date in Star Trek. It's a neat little addition. This episode has them at CARE BASE where they are picking up supplies to bring to some random planet. I'm gonna call the planet Tralfamadore because the idea of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. and the Care Bears being mentioned at the same time amuses me and only me. It's sometimes fun to just amuse yourself, you know? Anyway Beastly and Shreeky end up putting a creature who is well very hungry and well will eat ANYTHING. So you know what's gonna happen. Lolol, early on in this segment they caught Treat Heart Pig eating like 3 muffins. They make a huge deal out of it because SHE'S A FATTY FAT CAN'T STOP EATING FATTY FAT. and then she promises not to eat any more. They take a STORE ROOMS full of food onto the ship and the monster eats it all and then they blame it on Treat Heart Pig because SHE'S A FATTY FATTY BOOM BO LATTY FATSO FAT FATTY PIECE OF FAT SHIT WHO CAN'T STOP EATING LIKE A FATTY FAT FATSO. They blame her and it looks like Beastly and Shreeky's plan to get them to fight will work after all. Treat Heart Pig leaves the ship in a little star escape pod and is followed by Beastly and Shreeky. The rest of the Care Bears find the creature and realize they were COMPLETE ASSHOLES and find that Treat Heart Pig has left them and they go to search for her. Shreeky and Beastly set up a trap for Treat Heart Pig but the other Care Bears who just landed down get trapped instead. They believed the creature actually knew where Treat Heart Pig was and wasn't running after some pie. Space pie is the best kinda pie. Anyway Treat Heart Pig saves the day and they all apologize for being JERKS. 

Well I think This will become a two parter, because this one post is almost 2,000 words and I dunno if I want to reptutation of the guy who wrote more than 2,000 words on The Care Bears. These episodes were a lot of fun to revisit and I hope THE FELLAS enjoy reading about the first four segments because I'll becoming back soon enough with the next four. You'll know everything about when the Care Bears became a part of Starfleet, Gosh darnit. 

NES Game Reviews #52: Indiana Jones Does the Impossible Mission With Help From the Immortal II during the Indy Heat.

 

Oh good. We are talking about NES games again. Sadly it's in a bit of a slump. This group of games aren't the best and aren't really all that amazing to talk about. Except for one. One of these I actually really enjoy playing and I know portnoyd doesn't! So we will probably have a slap fight in the comments! You should always check the comments of these posts because portnoyd and I will probably argue about something. Anyway We will be discussing THREE Indiana Jones games in this post! Isn't that exciting! Join me if you will!

 

You know how I said Hillsfar was the last NES game I had never tried out before, well I believe I was wrong on this one because I do not remember playing this game before I just did. It is much better than Hillsfar. It's also at best kinda just okay. It's another one of those "search around everywhere until you find the final boss and shoot them enough to kill them" kinda game. You know like Blaster Master. The controls are fine, the music is also fine, everything about this game is just fine. That's the big problem. I'm getting old. Well, older and I want a better experience than fine. I see no reason to play this game when you could easily go for the other isometric "gotta find my way outta this shithole" game known as Solstice which does everything this game does but better. make sure I have another fifty years of life and maybe I'd play through the Immortal but I can't get a guarantee on that kinda shit ya know. Depressing but oh well. Anyway this game also looks way too dark and that just annoys me. I kinda want to see where im going. Too many cheap unseeable death traps too. Still I don't hate this game and might even one day play it again. Who knows, I still have to beat both Blaster Master and Solstice so it won't happen any time soon, The Immortal.

 Oh hey, this is yet another Look around and find things game. This one does it worst of all. However I will get to all of that after I tell you a story. A STORY OF AN OLD SCHOOL GAMER. You know OSG. He had a website in like 2000? It wasn't yesterday. I just know that I remember finding it just when he was doing a contest. I think I showed his site to other NES scene people too. Anyway I remember sending him all kinds of shit trying to win this contest. However I did not win the contest. The winner was Drk_Warrior and his prize was this game. This awful piece of shit game. Anyway this game does the "search around everywhere!!!!" shit so badly because every place in this game just sounds the same. Also no music. Also all kinds of things that I have no idea what to do with. You press start and then you have to figure out what to do with the stuff on the bottom of the screen during the run around section. I don't know what to do with those. You get to some random level stages and have to just jump around robots because I have no idea how to kill them. Then you get to a computer to find stuff and then not know what to do with any of them. You are all like USE THE MANUAL BRO and that is true but I just don't care about this game at all. It doesn't seem like it will be come a memorable or fun game after you figure out what to do. I just have better things to do with my time. like watch The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers or something else. I'm putting this game in the bad pile because at least other "search around for shit" games were nice enough to make things look different so you knew you were going somewhere and really that's a big thing for those type of games.

 Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is my favorite of the Indiana Jones movies. It probably should have stopped there honestly. Some stories you can go on and on with and others you should just quit while you are on top. Like Indiana Jones. or Star Wars. Wow two things George Lucas was a part of. Weird huh? The post Last Crusade Indiana Jones movies were better than the Star Wars prequels though. Anyway this game is really really bad. The Indiana Jones sprite is fucking microscopic and it's so god damn hard to figure where you even are sometimes. It also has some really bad controls and just isn't much fun to play. The funniest thing is that you can literally skip to the end part with the uh Jesus' Cup of Coffee or whatever they were going for in that movie and if you know the way to go you can beat this game in like probably under a minute. That's hilarious. Anyway this game sucks and I don't like it.

 

Oh cool. We get a redo on the game this game was made by UbiSoft. They make good games these days I hear. I dunno. I hear the games are other good or woke because a black person was in it or something. I dunno. I just know that THEY FUCKING MESSED UP THE RE-DO. THEY MADE IT WORSE THAN THE FIRST FUCKING GAME. This game has a slow as Indiana Jones in it. It's like he's taking a nice stroll in the park and not exploring a cave with crazy men ready to kill inside there. No, it's just Indiana Jones strolling around. You HAVE to pick up a torch that does not keep going throughout the entire stage. That's already SHITTY. I don't want to go out of my way IN PITCH DARKNESS to find another torch. Also enemies that can kill you in like two hits and you have to do a weird little dance with them to get them into a place that good to hit them. All of this within a fucking short ass timer. A stupid piss ass garbage game that I don't want to talk about it any more.

 Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was the worst of the original trilogy of movies. I mean I still liked it because it was a very entertaining film. It's just not as good as Raiders or Last Crusade. However it gets the best game out of the three Indiana Jones games for the NES. Not to say this Tengen game is a masterpiece or anything but I do enjoy playing it. It's one of those weird games that starts off simple where you just save kids to collect stuff, till you have to find the right place to get out of a level. The levels start getting bigger and harder and some of the controls can be really wonky but the fact is I've gotten past level one of this game and I've never done that in the fucking Ubisoft game. I guess I'll be putting this in the OKAY pile because honestly thats what this game is. OK.

 This ends this post. The second to last post for the I's (The J's will start next time and they are vastly better than the I's which was better than the H's) and I think it ends off with a pretty simple racing game that I think is a lot of fun. I really don't have much else to say about it. This game is pretty much a better Super Sprint (which itself is a decent enough game). The graphics are fine. You can easily see the cars. The music is fun. I now know like three race car drivers (Michael Andretti,  Al Usner Jr and Danny Sullivan!) which is pretty nice to be able to do. SURPRISE SPORTS LOVERS with my sports knowledge as a NON-sports fan. Good time. Oh there's also Nigel Mansell but his game really sucks and I don't like it. Uh, I guess spoilers for the Ns when we get there in 50 years. Anyway I like this game and portnoyd will poop on it because Rare made it. I know the future!

GOOD GAMES: 138

BAD GAMES:  111

OKAY GAMES: 41

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER GO AWAY: 5

GAMES OVERALL: 295