Well, it's after our 500th post. Did you know that I would post less because I didn't want to go past the 500th post and have it just be like a bunch of random NES games (If I were talking about NES games for the 500th post I would have wanted to talk about my favourites and probably talked about way too many games honestly). So you can now expect me to be talking a bit more on this blog. I have a good sized list of things I want to talk about in the next little while. A bunch of stuff that's been clogging up the old noggin or stuff that I forgot about and just realized (yes I said I would talk about that) I really should finally talk about Disney movies because I said I wanted to review as many of them as I could for some project that even has a damn page on this site. I also want to get into other things like manga. I'd like to review some of them for this. And stuff like Tintin and Asterix and all kinds of independent stuff. And do stuff with Marvel and DC that I somehow have not. It's gonna be a good time on the Comic Review (just imagine I quit for five months here haha. Port, don't let me do that ok?)
So, you might be asking, CLAW WHAT THE HELL IS MARVILLE? Well Marville is a comic book, it might just be the worst damn comic book of all time. It was written by Bill Jemas who was Editor in Chief at the time. He would say things in PUBLIC like "Bad Girls for fan boys, sometimes I call them date books. We have quite a few male readers who live in the basement of their parent's house in Queens. For them, an evening with Elektra is as good as it gets" That's from a fucking god damned interview. The head of the company is being a condescending dickhead to people who give him money and keep him in a fucking job.. I think I may hate this guy more than I should for a human being I've never met. He got into a pissing match with Peter David. It was over continuity. He felt Peter was getting too into some obscure continuity. Peter David might have done that in his Captain Mar-Vell comic but I'll say this Peter David is a writer that can easily bring you up to speed with some obscure continuity. Anyway his Captain Mar-Vell book wasn't doing amazing numbers (because you know it's connected to Captain Mar-Vell and none of those characters were the greatest sellers) and Bill was like I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO MAKE A COMIC, PETER. This was that comic.
I'm going to rip off a bandage here, just because I already metaphorically ripped one off earlier. I am going to review the last issues of this book that I need to review here in this one post. I just cannot come coming back to this any more. It's just so bad. So buckle in boys as we re-count Marville #1 and Marville #2 because It's time to shut the door on this messy fucking turd. You know it's serious when I both bold and italicize something. So buckle the fuck in portnoyd because this is gonna be a wild fucking ride.
So our story starts in 5002. 3000 years from 2002 when this comic was published. It has Ted Turner and Jane Fonda sending their child Kal-AOL back in time because they believe the earth is doomed. It's like Superman but with time travel. Anyway he meets this lady and then makes a joke about how he has a convoluted DC Characters backstory and I'm like Fucking Supermans story is literally a re-working of the god damn story of fucking Moses you crackhead. His backstory is literally the least convoluted of all time and makes perfect sense for a superhero. Even portnoyd who oozes hatred for Superman and all of DC except for Batman would not be able to disagree with this. It's like what the fuck. Anyway so a Dog that was sent back in time with him helps him knock out a bank robber and every time he knocks out the bank robber during the story a police officer gives him money. I understand Tim and Eric jokes better than I understand Bill Jemas jokes and that's not a good thing. After all this he ends up deciging to be a MARVEL Superhero and I'm like oh wow Bill Jemas you sure do know subtlety. I mean most comic books are very on the nose and I'm okay with that but Bill here takes it to a new level I didn't know even existed. His parents also send him back underwear for some reason. Yeah I don't get any of this shit. This was issue one.
So Kal-AOL and his new lady friend Sandy, I don't think that was her actual name but I do not care. It is Sandy now. They talk about how Kal-AOL wants to be a hero. He tries to give 100 dollars to a random man but said money is stolen by Rush Limbaugh. They also have to tell us it's Rush Limbaugh because while the artist of this comic has done good work before, it's not the best here and he wa snot very good at making comic people look like the real people they were supposed to. It's not a gift all artists have you know. Plus do you really blame him for not putting in 100 percent? I sure as hell wouldn't. Anyway after Rush gets the money he tells them he shouldn't be giving this man any money. The homeless man turns out to be Peter David. Bill portrays him as a drunken homeless bum. I would have walked into his office and literally punched him right in the goddamn face for this but that's just me. Kal-AOL then starts giving money to everyone he meets. A Batman parody apparently shows up and then Iron Man and the Black Panther show up and start killing people and Iron Man says some racist stuff. I am not joking about this. Here fine, here's said image:
See. I do not make things up. I really do not know what was going on with this. Anyway they then decide to go after the Kingpin so they get a guy who works for him and Daredevil gets him off. Daredevil would want to get him off if he were actually innocent but its clearly shown he isn't. Daredevil is protrayed as an uncaring I just want money Lawyer. That's so far from Daredevil's actual character. Spider Man and the Punisher show up and they get into the Kingpins office and he somehow turns out to be Spike Lee. Yes, the film director. He then says black people can be criminals too and I am literally just re-writing what I wrote in my first two reviews to get you all up to speed and I'm being reminded of how much it does not work and how much it hurts my fucking brain and also soul.
The second issue finally mercifully ends with Ted Turner and his wife Jane Fonda (who are not together and would not magically be alive in the year 5002) decide to send Kal-AOL and Sandy somewhere else. I wrote the last review of this comic in 2021. November 21s to be exact. Four years and some months ago. Now it's finally time to put this beast to bed. Ok, this is where it starts to stop being a parody comic that's not funny into a comic where they discuss ethics and religion and God. Yes, you know the incredibly important and PERSONAL stuff that really kinda makes up who you are. Yes that's what is going to be discussed now. You know the kinda stuff that literally starts arguments. The kind of stuff most poeple want to avoid discussing. Yep. Al is depressed because he feels like a bad guy because plants are alive technically and he feels bad when he eats them but not as bad when he eats cows so he decides to go back to meet God with his time machine. This is also not written in panels but like this:
First off Kal calls it Jurassic Park and not the Jurassic era. This just annoys me for some fucking reason but I can't put my finger on it. They then go there and argue some more about if life is created or not. You know the second you put GOD INTO YOUR STORY YOU SHOULDN'T BE WRITING A DAMN FUCKING STORY ABOUT IF LIFE WAS CREATED BY DESIGN OR JUST RANDOM. HE'S FUCKING GOD AND HE CREATED LIFE. JESUS CHRIST. They went back to regular word balloons because you know THAT'S HOW THIS SHIT WORKS 99.99999% OF THE DAMN TIME YOU TURDS. So they travel through time and I guess God creates this talking Dinosaur or it just shows up. I'm seriously flipping through this shit as fast as I can because I just don't care about Bills little discussion. Despite all this I still care more about this review than Bill did for this entire fucking story. The Dinosaur is named Snorts or Snots or some fucking shit and it runs off and God aka Jack runes after him. They find him and Jack-God. Also don't think he called him Jack because Jack Kirby was one of the main people who created Marvel's comic universe, no he called him Jack so he could make a GOD DOESNT DO JACK SHIT JOKE LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL ARE YOU LAUGHING YET LAUGHING WOOO! Jack-God then talks about tribal stuff because the Dinosaurs invited them into their tribe or some shit. The Dinosaurs are then attacked by other dinosaurs and I'm wishing I never started this blog. The bad dinosaurs win and get the children dinosaurs and it seems like the adult dinosaurs just don't give a shit. I hate this more than I have ever hated anything before.
Now they talk about how people use only 10% of their brain and the other 90% has not been programmed yet. I believe this has been shown to be a complete and utter fucking hoax since this comic has been written and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they thought this was a hoax then but people just had already ran with it and it became a "fact" They finally talk about the asteroid that will hit the earth. They meet an otter and I DO NOT THINK OTTERS WERE AROUND IN THE FUCKING JURASSIC ERA. IF YOU ARE GOING TO TURN YOUR GOD DAMNED COMIC BOOK INTO A SCIENCE LECTURE PLEASE TELL ME THINGS THAT ARE ACTUAL TRUTHFUL YOU GOD DAMNED FUCKER. They leave to see things evolve and they take the otter with them. as a biological clock of sorts. I dunno. They then see things evolve and I guess Jack is now not God? I don't know or care how this happened but Kal-AOL (you know the guy this comic was originally about) asked how God could let so much death happen? It's like a child tried to discuss the most serious fucking topic you can discuss. Jesus fuck.
Oh, and the otter becomes Wolverine while they are time traveling he becomes Wolverine. He doesn't look like Wolverine or really act like him except going IM THE BEST AT WHAT I DO HAUGHAUDSHFA This entire issue is just word after word of some kind of science lecture that dips into religious stuff and I just don't care anymore. I am skipping this fucking horse shit. I don't want to be lectured by someone who got half of the damn story BILL. Issue six is literally a recap of the first five issues. No joke, just Bill showing us that he could have put all of this GOD DAMN FUCKING HORSE SHIT INTO ONE ISSUE but he had to draw it out for five fucking issues. He then talks about bringing back Epic Comics an imprint Marvel had so NEW WRITERS JUST LIKE YOU can tell stories that are not in the usual Marvel Wheelhouse like Marville. I hate to break it to you Bill but this rubbish heap is in no one's wheelhouse. The final issue is about how to get into Epic Comics and seeing as they don't publish that stuff (or ever did. I do not know much about comics of this era) anymore this comic is completely useless. Just like the rest of Marville.
The contest they had that I mentioned in the first post on this fucking comic was of course won by Peter David. Peter David has since passed away. People all over the place who were into the stuff he wrote were very sad about it. I will also admit that I did not know much about the Captain Marvel book from the late 90s/early 00s. Just that it was connected to the original Captain Marvel, sorry but Carol Danvers and Monica Rambeau were better characters than him. Captain Mar-Vell from Marvel Comics in the late 1960s was possibly the most boring character ever created by Marvel Comics. I can at least see what people see in Deadpool. I cannot see anything in Captain Mar-Vell. He was clearly thrown together at the last minute to scoop up a copyright other companies might have wanted to use. I think the Captain Marvel of the late 90s was his son or something. I still don't know much about said series. However just hearing Peter David was connected to it makes me want to read it. Which I'm sure I will do. Maybe even review it.
For Bill Jemas and this book. It's the worst comic book I've ever read. Every single Marvel Comic written in the last 87 fucking years is better than this. All of them and not just a little bit better but leaps and bounds better. Same with DC Comics, all of the comics they've written in their 91 year history are better. All of them. I don't want to argue this point at all, portnoyd or I WILL make you read Marville. And that's not a threat. It's a promise. I will go even farther. Marville is the worst thing I've ever talked about for this blog. Mama's Family, The New Adventures of He-Man, Charles in Charge, Monster By Mistake and every other thing I've takled about that I did not enjoy I would watch again and apperciate more. Even things I have not talked about on this blog like before this the worst piece of media I had encountered was the 1981 low budget horror film Night of Horror. A movie were literally nothing happens until the last 5 minutes where some bozos talk to confederate ghosts. It was incredibly terrible and is still very very bad. However the people behind it first had passion for this stuff and secondly knew at least what they wanted from their story. Marville does not know that in any way. Marville goes from a parody comic to a religious discussion from the worst person to discuss said stuff to a fucking science lecture that you have to pay for. It is a aimless, annoying, poorly made piece of something. I don't even know what to call it because calling it garbage, rubbish or shit is unfair to those things. I'll just say that you know the saying bottom of the barrel. well Marville does not even deserve to be in the goddamn barrel to begin with. Fuck Marville.
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