The Final Episode #141: Hangin With Mr. Cooper (1992 - 1997)

 

Recently as in like a few days ago, I talked about The Hughley's. Portnoyd was all like NO DON'T DO TGIF despite the fact that 1.) I had already done so many of their shows already. 2.) It was a big thing about the 1990s TV that I loved as a kid and still do. Most of those shows are still fun regardless of what GRUMPY says. I watched a Tim and Eric sketch earlier and it's just Paul Rudd watching himself dance on the computer. I do not get thta show and I never will. I at least understand TGIF. 3.) I live my life in complete defiance of portnoyd. You see he just posted a BLOG of some movie reviews and you know what, every movie he reviewed under a 5 I am going to watch and probably love them. I might even make a blog post series called PORTNOYD IS A POOPY BOY AND INCORRECT ABOUT THIS. It would be a lot of fun. For me at least.

I am now three TGIF shows left that lasted more than I dunno, 20 or so episodes.  I should have a limit number of episodes a show had to have for me to do a Final Episode. Or maybe not. Who knows. Anyway you know how I said The Hughley's seems to be forgotten by the black millennial youtbers that I watch sometimes. I do not remember any of them talking about Hangin' With Mr. Cooper but this still seems a bit more popular than The Hughley's. The thing is I do not remember this show in the slightest. I remember Full House and Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Boy Meets World and Step By Step and Family Matters and all of the rest. I remember Muppets Tonight and Aliens in the Family. I do not remember a single iota of Hangin With Mr Cooper and I watched this shit every damn week for a fucking decade of my god damned life!

Hangin With Mr Cooper was a sitcom that started in 1992 and lasted till 1997. 5 years. I am fucking sure I watched TGIF during that time. I was a fucking Urkel-maniac as a child and the rest of the shows were entertaining to 8 year old me. I'm just amazed how little I remember of Mr. Cooper. I even talked about this show less than 5 years ago and I don't even fucking remember doing that! Does this show just cause people to forget about it the second the episode ends!?  I just know that they did one of those "Hey look at the new cartoons for the upcoming season!" but like EVERY TGIF show got to do that. It was neat-o. I miss when they would do that. I miss the past. Poop.

So Hangin' With Mr Cooper starred a comedian called Mark Curry. He starts the show as a NBC super star or something and then has to become a basketball coach.  Then he dates a woman who I think probably has children. Every TGIF show had children or teenagers in it. This one has both. I think that might just be the lamest sitcom setup ever. Actually second lamest one because The Big Bang Theory of LOL NERDS ARE TERRIBLE setup is still worse. Can't even be the worst Hangin' With Mr. Cooper. You lame-o!

The Final Episode of this TV series was written by David Chapman and I am sure he is not related to Mark David Chapman. He wrote for several tv shows that were not well remembered at all and stuff like The Love Boat, The Wonder Years, The Simpsons, and Fantasy Island. It works really well to have a writer like this on the show. He might actually write something good but he's also not going to write something so amazing that you remember it despite the show airing on TGIF from seasons 2 to 4. I WAS 8 TO 11 YEARS OLD WHEN THOSE SEASONS WERE SHOWN HOW THE JESUS DO I NOT REMEMBER WATCHING THIS FUCKING SHOW? WHY DOES IT REFUSE TO STAY IN MY MEMORY BUT THE SMOGGIES DOES? IT CAN'T BE THAT UN-MEMORABLE CAN IT?

 Anyway the Final Episode was called Getting Personal and it aired on August 30th, 1997. One day before my 12th birthday. I don't really remember my 12th birthday except that I probably didn't do much but probably got some cool Super Nintendo games. This show went on a year long hiatius and showed back up on Saturday and with only 12 episodes. I seriously get the feeling that there were supposed to be more but something happened. I have no idea and no one else does becuase despite showing up on TGIF for several years no one remembers this damn show! I'm seriously amazed that I wrote a piece about it already on my blog! 

 Oh, good it's another show with a COMEDIC JERK in it. Who or what is the Comedic Jerk you ask? Well, Homer Simpson and Al Bundy would be good characters for me to use as examples. They are brash or stupid or all kinds of things but when it's done well as in acted well or written well they still come off as somewhat likable. Homer Simpson and Al Bundy may make all kinds of crazy dickhead comments but the shows (I'm sure PORTNOYD THE MARRIED WITH CHILDREN EXPERT) will show you that they can be good guys. Just something causes JERKY JERK ASS MOMENTS. All I know is when it's written poorly or acted poorly the Comedic Jerk is so fucking hard to watch and WOW MR COOPER IS A COMEDIC JERK PLAYED POORLY!!!

Anyway another reason for me to believe that this show did not end the way they wanted is that this show ends with them getting wedding photos. Don't you get them on the day of the wedding or what? Are they for invitations or something? I really don't know. I've never been married and I do not think there's another human being who could handle being around me for more than 24 minutes at a time. I am a weird gremlin of a man. Anyway he has to get his tuxedo by mail for some reason? You know it! it's forced WACKYNESS. Great. Yeah TGIF was wacky but it was with characters that felt like they'd do this wacky thing. I mean a lot of it I have not seen since I was a child but at least it felt like that. The woman he's marrying is also not very pleasant of a person either. Good the shitheads deserve each other.

 The kids, one of them being RAVEN SYMONE from the Cosby Show and also That's So Raven. One of those shows that I would end up leaving the TV on while I messed around on the internet. It seemed really dumb but hey AT LEAST I CAN REMEMBER IT AND I ONLY HALF WATCHED THE DAMN THING.  Anyway they want to sing and another thing is that Mark Curry is trying to play Mr. Cooper as a COOL 90s DUDE who isn't bothered by anything but he comes off as bored. It's not a good thing when that happens. Oh hey I was right. He has a SQUIRREL COSTUME instead of a Tuxedo! HAHAHAHAHAH THAT'S NOT FORCED AT ALL! OH AHE CAN'T SEE AOUT OF THE SQURRIEL COSTUME!!!! This is so stupid and forced I'm literally taking a picture of it so portnoyd can't go LOL YOUR MAKING THIS LAME SHIT UP MARK CURRY FOREVER!!!!

 

This is the dumbest, most easily fixed shit in the world. First off, don't put on the Squirrel Costume for WACKY SHINANGIANS. Tell your fianace hey baby there was a mix up can we go rent a tuxedo and hope the real one gets here before the wedding. This seriously feels like Season 16 we have been on too long and no one gives a shit and we are literally pumping out garbage so we can get cancelled. Except it's not season 16. It's season fucking five. Anyway she gets mad because he put on the damn costume for some reason. Jesus Christ. You know I gave City Guys a hard time because of the low stakes but I can at least see that some people who care about being COOL wouldn't want to be in the SCHOOL BAND. It's dumb horseshit when you are 40 year old man talking about but it was serious enough for those kids. It was at least a story you could get 22 minutes out of. This doesn't have that. TAKE OFF THE FUCKING SQUIRREL OUTFIT MR COOPER YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE then we can all go home or watch something better on ABC Saturday Night in 1997. Which was ANYTHING ELSE.

 OK. It was actually a joke. I'm with his SEEMS TO ALWAYS BE CRABBY WIFE. Seriously lady just leave him. End the episode and my suffering.  Jesus man. I don't really want to generalize or anything but for the most part Women really seem to take weddings seriously. I honestly get that. You hope to be with this person for the rest of your life and its to show that yes you care about them and all that. It's a special day and you should try to take it and the stuff before it seriously. THEN THIS FUCKING JACK OFF DOUCHEBAG COMES IN AND TAKES A GIANT FUCKING NUTTY SQUIRREL SHIT ALL OVER THIS. I'm apologizing to EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND. Even you came up with better plots than this and you had one plot of DEBRA GETS PISSED OFF AT RAY. 

 Now he's all like LOL BUT IM A PRACTAICAL JOKE MAN AHAHAHAHA. In like the most bored way possible. You know thats probably the acting I hate the most. I honestly think most actors at least seem to try but this guy is like OH HONEY LET ME SHOW YOU I CARE when you know he's a SELFISH JACKASS. I was way too nice to on this show when I reviewed it first time. I'm glad I didn't do a Final Episode on it because I probably would have puked up so much weird gunk doing something this STUPID AND TERRIBLE that early on. You gotta work up to this kind of SHITTY STUPID CRAP.  Oh good it's the kids and their song. They have to find something Traditional but NEW. Old but YOUNG. Fast but SLOW. You know a song that doesn't fucking exist! I'm not wasting my time even talking about this B-plot. It's somehow even shittier than the Squirrel nonsense! They somehow find a song to sing. I don't even care what song it is. 

Oh, MS COOPER put out a personal and MR COOPER has to find it. He has to prove his love by finding out who is who! WILL HE DO IT? Yeah I'm sure something will happen.  We now go to MR COOPER and this shows WACKY FRIEND. All of these shows had a WACKY CHARACTER and this guy is the worst. He is Cuba Gooding Jr's brother OMAR. He just tries to hard. Comedy is weird and if you come off to someone as trying to hard you probably are and that's never good. Oh wow more forced ZANY ANTICS. He's going to contact every woman he thinks is Vanessa and have them look for a man with a rose in his lapel. THIS ISN'T GOING TO BACKFIRE AT ALL!!!! Oh he's not actually going to wear a rose. Okay he's just going to notice Vanessa. Still something is gonna happen and I hate that I'm going to have to see it.

Oh man! Vanessa actually was one of the women! Holy shit his dumb plan worked. However his WACKY FRIEND won't leave and WOW he has a rose that he wants to put on. God you know yeah I like a lot of sitcoms and a lot of ones that are goofy and a lot of ones that are probably not even good but they all feel less hackneyed and try hard than this. I'm also pretty sure the reason I do not remember this show at all is because when the majority of it was on, we had a wooden thing to store food in it. Except it was in our living room and I put books in it. I am sure as fuck that I would see this show and go "Oh it's the dumb show" and then go read Garfield or Calvin and Hobbes or Charlie Brown or Bloom County or Heathcliff or Spider-Man or whatever in there. I'm about to say that I probably got so desperate once I read some Family Circus. I seriously don't know whats worse the most white bread thing in existence (the Family Circus) or this fucking nonsense.  

Oh wow his friend wont leave. You know sometimes I would like to try writing a script for a movie or tv show or something. I know the chance of it going anywhere is very slim but I am 100% sure that it would be less obnoxious than this. This is the most forced comedic crap I've ever seen in my life. Oh I was right. His MASTERPLAN is coming to BITE HIM IN THE ASS. Vanessa wants to keep the rose but Mark is pretending he lost it. His WACKY FRIEND is still there hoping to find one of the ladies that weren't Vanessa.  OH MAN HE LEAVES TO FIND HIS WACKY FRIEND BUT NOW EVERYONES ASKING FOR THE ROSE MAN. The way his lady was acting had me thinking she somehow knew the plan already but I guess wrong. She does now though. Oh good. He got the rose only to give it back to WACKY MAN and WACKY MAN then gets smacked my angry ladies and chased. I'd say (insert year from the past) called and wants it comedy back but I don't think anyone wants to claim this garbage. 

You know what's amazing, I don't actually have to watch the re st of the show. I know she's going to forgive him. You know what I'd love, is that one of the COMEDIC JERKS especially one of the ones who never seem to show any genuine care for anyone and are ACTED POORLY AS SHIT just get told to fuck themselves. Like her tearing right into him and leaving. Making sure he can't get into the house. Never talking to him again.  That would be the perfect ending for this shit. I am going to say it here now. Family Circus is better than this. At least you could get out a pen and go through those RUNNING DASH STRIPS. That killed at least 5 minutes. It was never funny but neither was Hangin' With Mr. Cooper. I just don't care anymore. They get back together. 

 Oh they have several minutes left because OF THIS WONDERFUL PLOT and now they are talking to the audience. It's weird and not done very well. I don't like it.  Oh wow. According to the credits JOHN KASSIR was the PHOTOGRAPHER guy who was really into the dumb squirrel shit. HE'S THE CRYPT KEEPER. I wish he had starred in a better TGIF sitcom. 

FINAL THOUGHTS: I just find the character of MR COOPER to be really obnoxious. Other than that the show is just dull and forgettable. The most memorable thing about this show was the fact he was filmed in the same house as the Seavers from Growing Pains.  Hangin' With Mr. Cooper was the worst TGIF show and I'm glad I never have to speak about it again. I'm also glad that I will probably forget about all of this. It's good too.

 

NES Game Reviews: The Legend of Kage sucks.

 

 

I figured that I might as well at least one time give the AD of the moment to a sports game. As much as I gripe about them they were a part of the NES's flavor and the flavor of like every video game system ever. People like sports and they like sports video games. What do I think of Legends of the Diamond??? WELL YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO READ SEVERAL REVIEWS TO FIND OUT! Also one game is put differently then it was in the actual Mike Etler rarity list. I just realized this is not even an updated list by him but by a INTERNET MAN named Antseezee. I remember thinking he was an alright fella. Of course these memories are twenty years old at this point. Who else here remembers ANTSEEZEE?

 

Legacy of the Wizard. I think this was a series of games called Dragon Slayer? and they had four of them but only like this one came to america. And FAXANDU was like a spinoff of that series? I forget. All I know that this is a SEARCH AROUND UNTIL YOU FIND SHIT kinda game. You play as an entire family that has different strengths and weaknesses and they can do different things that can get you farther in the game. This is a very well thought out game and I like it quite a bit. Yes, it's pretty hard and yes there are obtuse moments that make you go FUCK YOU LEGACY OF THE FUCKING WIZARD but it's still well made enough that you come back to play it. I dunno, I like these maze games even if I am no good at them and give up and or look up a guide. I would like to beat Legacy of the Wizard and it's only one of like twenty NES games I really care to beat. I really should make that list and start trying to actually beat them. I wonder how the other DRAGON SLAYER games were. I am sure portnoyd will go AHEM IT WAS LIKE THIS AND THAT ADN THIS ADN THAT AND BLBAH BOLAAH LBAH and I'll just go SNORE.

 I give a lot of earlier NES games some leeway. Like they were figuring out how to make games back in 1986 so a little jank is gonna happen. This game has way way way too much jank. I cannot do that for this game. Even for its time this game is a piece of fucking shit. The weird jumping the 823402 enemies who seem to know exactly where you will land... the ugly and cheap looking graphics, the shitty music it all just comes together so easily as a painful miserable excuse for a Video game. This is probably the worst game of the six games I'm gonna talk about today. I also can't really get that mad at this game becuase theirs barely anything to it. I think you play the same stages over enough until I guess an ending comes up or something. I don't know or care. I just know that this game is very simple but is missing the fun of simple fun. I'm sure portnoyd will try to be like OH NO THIS GAME IS A MASTERWORK OF GREATNESS AND I LOVEEEEE IT

 

 This is where I realized I screwed up. I thought I was using a Mike Etler NES rarity list. That's what I wanted to use. I know it sounds silly but coming upon that list and going HOLY SHIT THEY MADE THIS MANY GAMES made me want to sit down and play them all at least. Then I wanted to collect them all. Then I sold them all. Well not all of them but way too many. That list was something special and I think I'm going to go over to it even though there are very few changes between these two lists. Just some games are considered more rare now I dunno. Nothing against Mr. Antseezee, again I remember liking that guy. Anyway let's get on to reviewing one of the most important video games of all time. The Legend of Zelda which just recently had it's 40th anniversary. That makes me feel so old that my bones are going to explode into dust and my body will just fall to the ground without any bones inside them to keep it up. I don't know where I am going here. Still this game inspired about ninty eight trillion copy cats and they were mostly pretty great. This game also made a ton of sequels and were also mostly great! I say mostly because once they went to 3D I stopped caring. Something feels more magical and cooler in 2D with these games. 3D Zelda Games just lose something. I dunno. I can't put my finger on it but I just like how they had to make the puzzles in 2D games more. 3D ones I just get bored very quickly. Of course the only 3D Zelda game I ever played was OoT and the only other one I want to play is Windwaker. That one looks unique enough. I dunno. I'm sure portnoyd will either agree, semi agree or yell filth flarn filth over this. I don't know which is which. As for this original game, it's still a delight, the music is great, the graphics have oodles of charm, finding a new thing in a dungeon to then find another dungeon feels so good. The first four Zelda games are still the best and I don't care what anyone says. There. I said it. Poop on you. I also think it created a great design for said copy cats, which I don't really like calling those games because Crystalis and Startropics and the like still have their own flavor that Zelda doesn't. I dunno. This game is still great and I'm sure portnoyd will agree.

 This is a game that I have great fondness for. It was again one of the I would say first fifty games I owned. It might have been one of the first shooters I ever played. No joke. I do not remember ever renting many shooters before I returned to NES in 1998 at the age of 13. This game opened up a new and incredible genre of games for me. I still love it. It's fast enough to be a good shooter and changes up enough to be memorable and not get old. It's challenge level is pretty decent. It's a good beginner shooter honestly. I had a great time playing it and honestly I still do. I played this before I played the original Zelda (yeah I should have mentioned that I never did own them as a kid first time around in the early 90s... so I'm shoehorning it in here). This game also caused a lot of trouble during the NES bounty. I forget the whole story but I think I probably should have been given a time out for the NES bounty. My crackhead levels were too high. It was the NES bounty was too much fun for a person who has no life like me. Anyway Legendary Wings is still a game that honestly doesn't get enough love and respect. Maybe because It's not worth 240324925090 dollars. People respect the money not the games!

 

Wow. It's time for another sports game review. You know the deal so I'm going to SHOCK and AMAZE you with this tidbit. Watching an entire sports game on TV would be the greatest way to torture me. It does not matter what sport it just would torture me. However I love a sports movie. Major League, Necessary Roughness, A League of Their Own, The Sandlot, Mighty Ducks, and Hoosiers. Along with a bunch of others I can't remember right now and am too lazy to look up. I don't get me either but I could easily watch any of those movies again right now but I would moan and complain during an entire football game. Also I was reminded of when I was a kid I would be the odd man out in well many situations but one that was funny to me was well there were these books involving sport stories that had these old timey sport covers and I'd honestly love to own one (I'd also love to own Goosebumps and all the goofy shit I actually read as a kid alongwith Hatchet, by Gary Paulsen. I think every  7th Grader had to read that book. Gary Paulsen demanded it). Every other boy in the school read them and I didn't. I remember Mr. Kelly getting really angry that I was reading Tintin and even when he said I couldn't read those getting angry that I was reading Roald Dahl books. I'M SORRY MR KELLY IM NOT THE MOUNTAIN OF MASCULINITY YOU WANTED ME TO BE. I could be misremembering but fuck mr kelly anyway. Shithead. I was going to talk about people taking sports too seriously but then I also realized there are Star Wars fans who take that too seriously. People take things way too seriously. Do you know there are people trying to gatekeep Star Wars. Like keep people they don't like out of the Star Wars fandom. That's amazing that people even try that. People are fucking god damn nutty over so many things and I will never understand it. It's all entertainment and one day it will all be gone when the sun engulfs the earth. Just fuckin chill out man. Anyway Legends of the Diamond is a baseball game and I don't give a shit about it.

 

 

Heres a game that I already know portnoyd hates because he mentioned it in the last review. I am lukewarm on Lemmings and I will put it in the OKAY pile. Sorry portnoyd. You can yell about it in the comments. You play as lemmings and you have to get a certain amount to the end of stages. You can turn them into diggers or climbers or whatever. My biggest problems are the lemmings are pretty small so it's hard to turn them into what you want to turn them into without turning like two or three lemmings into something. They are always popping out of the machine. They also just give you just enough time to beat a level. Sometimes you have to keep an eye on lemmings to change them into umbrella guys and that can be really annoying. I honestly think I like the concept of this game more than that actual game. You know what Lemmings does kinda fucking suck now that I'm thinking about it. They needed for you to be able to close the door on the Lemmings and also make them bigger so you could change them into what you want them to be easier. Also just make it so you can easily change them into something as many times as you want and not have a number on them. Also don't make the game ass blastingly hard by level 7 either. You know what portnoyds right. I'm putting this shit in the bad catogory. I'm just overtaken by the fact I really like the Lemmings design. I don't know if any other version of Lemmings is better but this is clearly the worst game Sunsoft had anything to do with. Well maybe second worst.

GOOD GAMES: 162

BAD GAMES:  130

OKAY GAMES: 55

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 6

GAMES OVERALL: 352 

NES Game Reviews #60: L'Emperur and some LASTS make Love to Lee Travino.

 

Hey we are back to comic game ads. I can tell that's a comic because I've seen this ad before in a comic. Someone called it RARE on Ebay but that word really has no meaning anymore. Seriously go to any comic store with a healthy back issue section, find stuff made in like 1991 and just look. You'll find this ad so you can uh, hang it on your wall? Is that what people do to ads they collect? I guess I'd just rather keep the comic in complete condition. I dunno. Anyway this is LASER INVASION a game we finally get to talk about. Won't that be fun?  This is gonna be a real tough set of six games. Ho boy. Thankfully the next set is pretty damn good. And it will be fun to be able to tear into some shitty games! Let's go!

 You know I really honestly kinda want to get into these games. I really do think there's something there once you get over the hump. It's just that hump of learning about how to do the game properly just makes me so fucking lethargic. I could be so alert like I'm on 85 monster energy drinks nad my heart is pounding like a jackhammer and I can't sleep but the second I turn on a single Koei game I just want to go to sleep. I really want to be more fair to these games but getting over that hurdle or hump or whatever the fuck is so damn hard. However I am going to use this place to SASS a boring asshole who used to post on NintendoAGE. his name was THE WIZARD or THE LIZARD or some shit and he was like the biggest fan of these games. Like so big. He also hated Super Mario Brothers 3. If it were just like I don't like platformers and I like these games that you have to think about what to do, I'd at least be able to say yeah I can get that. I mean they were made for strategic thinking and all that. However he would also claim that X-Men and Conan were GREAT games and some of his favorites and no. That's no. You sir are a contrarian. I hate to say that because I do stick up for some unpopular shit and dislike some popular shit but no. There is no fucking way you can enjoy Conan or X-Men. Seriously. What a chode. I'm shoving this game into the IMPATIENT pile and I cannot wait till I am done with the Koei games which will happen in the letter U, when I am almost fucking done. Wonderful. Fuck.

 

This game is one of those TOP GUN like games. I mean there's more to it then that too where you do some platforming shit and also 3D first person mazes. So I will give this the badge of BEST TOP GUN STYLE game because they put effort into it. There's another reason it's the best is because I was actually able to shoot down a few planes before they killed me i none hit. I actually got to the boss. Or what I think is the boss. It killed me but the fact I can get somewhere in this game literally makes it the best. That is NOT something I can do anywhere else. So congrats Konami you did it. A TOP GUN style game that I will actually come back to and maybe even try to beat it. Konami is cool!

 

Last Action Hero is a weird parody movie of Arnold Schwartzenegger movies that just happened to star Arnold Schwartzenegger himself. It was weird and wild and ridiculous. I dunno how many people like it but I do. However I am a god damn sucker for Arnie. I will watch him in any movie no matter what it is and enjoy it. I am a sucker for all of those 1990s action movie stars and they are better than whoever we have today. Chris Pratt? Fuck that. He's a GOOFY GOOBER not an ACTION MAN. Get that shit offa my movie screen bitches! Anyway enough of my movie reviews for 30 year old movies that no one really care about anymore. How is the NES game? It's a god damn fucking worthless piece of shit and I hate it so fucking much. It's a beat em up. Where punching and kicking regular enemies is really hard and all you want to do is jump over them. That is NO fucking good. In a beat em up you want to slap the shit out of the enemies. Kicking and punching them. This game has you jump over them. Weirdest thing about this game is the actual bosses are real pushovers and if you can get through like four stages you can beat this game. I'm sorry but a game you can beat in 15  minutes should not exist in 1993. Fuck this game and fuck Sony Imagesoft games. Jesus CHRIST.

 This is a game I am sure I have never played. I am pretty sure that JALECO'S NES game THE LAST NINJA sat on my bookcase where I put all of my NES games forever. Always getting picked over. So I have now played it. It is not a very good game. I do not think isometric works very well on the NES. I am not a big fan. I really like Isolated Warrior and I like two others in the S but I think they would all be better if they weren't isometric. The problem is the controls just MESS ME UP AND IT'S NOT FUN TO PLAY. Then you get to fight some random punks and it's just HOPE YOU HIT THE BUTTON ENOUGH for them to fall down and die. It's just not a lot of fun. I don't like it. I am done talking about this crap. Fuck the Last Ninja.

 I enjoyed The Last Starfighter the last time I saw it. Like 25 years ago. I don't really remember anything about it except the main plot of someone getting really good at arcade game gets to help aliens take down some WAR ALIENS. It's nothing simple but it was fun and cute. I do want to watch it again but there are so many things I want to watch and or re-watch so who knows if I ever will. Still I don't think it was a big hit. I guess it was one of those movies that got big because it was shown on HBO or whatever stations like that. Anyway Mindscape bought the license and then just put it on a fucking computer game. Like Conan was brought over. I don't know what game it was because I forgot it and I don't like it. This is a game that feels like it was from 1983 that was brought into 1989 or whenever this game came out. You had like twenty better choices for a ROOTY TOOTY SHOOTY game. This game has your ship move too fast and you can die by hitting things that don't look like they are in the way at all. I think you have to find a random amount of things to shoot up to beat the level and I just don't care. I see no reason why I should play this crap when I can play Guardian Legend of Gun-Nac or Gradius or any other shooty game on the NES. At least Starship Hector can say it was made in 1986 and WAS STILL BETTER THAN THIS SHIT. I would rather watch the reboot/sequel they want to try to make because they want to remake the entirety of the past over playing this game. Shit. Trash. Garbage. Portnoyd probably loves this game.

 

I don't think I ever played this game before so I did just now. I picked Pretty Amy and lol you can see her 8 BIT PANTIES IN THIS GAME. Japan you wild rascal! It also seems to uh work well enough for a golf game. I think its alright enough I guess. I'm sure you can get somewhere in it i you tried. I want to get to a fighting point so I can kick someones ass. IN FIGHTING GOLF. This game apparently inspired the Simpsons writers to create LEE CARVELLO'S PUTTING CHALLENGE in the classic BoneStorm episode. Which is a great running joke for that episode and if this game has to gunk up video game stores for the rest of time so we get that joke I'm sure glad it exists. I guess I will put this in the okay pile becuase I at least want to play long enough to kick someones ass. That's something.

GOOD GAMES:  159

BAD GAMES: 127

OKAY GAMES: 55

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER BLAH: 6

TOTAL GAMES: 347 

NES Game Reviews #59: Krion has a Conquest over Knight Rider in the Kung Fu Fun House Against the Kung Fu Heroes and Krazy Kreatures.

I wish I had started doing the AD thing from the beginning. It's neat to see games get ads that you'd never expect to get ads. The Krion Conquest is a VICTOR TOKAI game. VICTOR TOKAI is a fine enough game company. I think they have my second favorite name for any company. VICTOR TOKAI is just fun to say. He is VIC to his friends! The best name for a company is clearly AMERICAN SAMMY. I will talk about how much I love that name when I get to the next AMERICAN SAMMY game. I have to say that this ad would have sold me on the Krion Conquest and would probably tried to rent a copy of said game. The weird weapon keeping YOUR EARTH HAND from turning the page is what does it for me. I think I really should become AD REVIEWER FOR SOMEWHAT OBSCURE VIDEO GAMES. Anyway let's talk about another six video games made for the NINTENDO ENTERTAINING SYSTEM!

 I think this game was the first time I ever heard of Knight Rider. I think I probably asked my dad what it was and he said some TV show. I don't know when I looked up information on the show but it was sometime after that. I still have not seen an episode of Knight Rider but I really want too. Hopefully this year will be the year. Maybe portnoyd will yell at me enough. We all know he loves to HASSLE THE HOFF but in a nice way. So what is the NES Knight Rider game like? It's not very good but there's something here that I honestly kinda want to like. It's like a Rad Racer type racing game where you shoot cars.  I think my biggest problem is that your car seems to drift at the weirdest times. It's like OH hey a car that will give you health or something shows up and pow you drift off and hurt yourself and lose your speed. It's neat that you can jump but despite the fact that I'll probably come back to this game and want to like it I really don't and have to put it in the bad pile. SORRY KITT.

 This is another unlicensed company discussion. On American Video Entertainment. They were an AMERICAN FREEDOM EAGLE YEAH FUCK YEAH FUCK YOU USA! company. They made some pretty poor games and games that were really weird but also poor and also very late 80s/90s. I will mention that game when we get to it. Two times I think they made two games that should be in any collection. The two kids a complete get everything on the NES released between 1985-1995 in which you NEED the unlicensed games for that. Nothing will EVER change my mind on this. They would show up in stores and rental places. This is a game that should be in your collection if you just play games for fun. This is actually a really fun game full of KRAZY KREATURES. It's a simple game to play but VERY hard to complete. I do believe I have completed all of the 36 levels in this game. I have never played the second player mode but I would like too. I bet portnoyd hates this game a lot because he's a poopy jerk.

 I kinda hate the term ripoff. Yeah I know a lot of stuff ends up borrowing from other stuff but they still have a different flair to them. This game is considered a Mega Man ripoff but I do feel it has enough of its own flair for that to be unfair. I dunno. I like this game quite a bit honestly. You play as a little ANIME WITCH and this game was originally MAGICAL DROOPIE or some weird Japanese shit like that. They became a Krion. I don't know what a Krion. Probably should have paid attention to the ad up there. Still this is a good little game. You play as a witch and you have different weapons you can change into. You have a broom you can ride on. All of the enemies you fight are totally robots which does not help the whole ripoff angle at all. The biggest problem with this game is that is is FUCKING HARD AS HELL. I have at my best gotten to like level 1-3 in this game. This game is harder than ALL of the Mega Man games (which were hard for me as a kid but I really don't think any of them are hard BUT THAT IS FOR MY REVIEWS OF THE MEGA MAN GAMES). This is one of several games that are very Mega Man inspired and we will get to the best. I think I would rank this the third of those three games but if you collect games or even just play them you should give this one a whirl.

 This is a game that I kinda do like and I really would like if they made one fix to it which they can't because it was released sometime in like 1992. They are not going back to do anything with this game ever. It is not the most popular Simpsons game and only sad weirdos like me even remmeber Krusy's Fun House for the Nintendo Entertainment System. This game just wants you to do so many things to beat a puzzle. For say Kickle Cubicle or Lolo you have one screen to do what you have to. This game is more of a platformer type puzzle game. You have to do a LOT of things in each level to beat it and if you miss one of those things well get ready to see the rats either get stuck or just go back to the beginning. That's just frustrating. Also the game wants you do some some weird jumps later on and I don't want any of that shit. I guess like I'm saying theres some decent stuff in here and some annoying stuff. I dunno I guess I'm just gonna put it in the OKAY pile. Krazy Kreatures is the better puzzle game in this post.

 I've talked a lot about how I like simplicty in games. Sure I like games with bigger wilder worlds that have an epic adventure feel but sometimes I want to play a 1970s Kung Fu movie where everyone knows Kung Fu even the black dudes. So many 1970s black dudes knew kung fu. I mention them because the third boss in this game is a black dude. The graphics are simple, the game play is simple but it seriously hooks you. I think what hooks me is that while the graphics are simple the design of the characters have well a lot of character making it fun to smack the shit out of them with your punches and kicks. Seriously though. This is one of the black box games you should own AND play. I swear if you don't play this but I hear you talking about THE HANGTAB AHHH I will break your dick in two. I don't know how but I WILL... if you do not have a penis I will glue one on to you and break that. I don't know where I went with this so I'm going to skip to the next game. It's good for everyone that I do that.

 This is one of those simplistic games that I want to enjoy. The characters have character and the levels are decently designed so you don't mind zoning in and playing like 40 of them. I'm sure this game loops whenever you get to the end too. The big problem I have with this game is well two things: I don't like the jumping and I also think its sometimes hard to hit the enemies. I also wish the game would tell me how many enemies I need to kill to get out of the stage. It just seems weirdly random. I dunno. There is a lot to like about this game too and I wish I was better at it is all. I guess I'm going to put it in the OKAY pile. 

GOOD GAMES: 158

BAD GAMES: 124

OKAY GAMES: 54

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 5

GAMES TOTAL: 341

The Comic Review #108: Batman / Lobo (2000)

 So I dunno if I mentioned it but I made a list of over 250 things that I want to discuss for this blog. Said list has literally invigorated me. I really want to talk about all of these things. Some of them I discussed before in like a paragraph and a lot of them honestly deserve a combing over of things. Like those guys in Spaceballs. You know the ones who went WE' AIN'T FOUNT SHIT. Apparently that guy went on to be big on Star Trek but he'll always be the guy who cussed at Rick Moranis to me.  Anyway there's a number of things on that list that I know I won't enjoy talking about but I still will talk about them becuase I dunno, I figure if I can post 1,000+ about The Return of the Shaggy Dog. I mean if I can write that much about that it means I really should redo just about every one of my paragraph reviews. Which means I have to talk about the 2000 (seriously according to google it came out on January 1st, 2000. Just more proof that the 21st Century is a suck ass century. I want to see the future of flying cars or at least be back in 1996 at 11 years old. I'm not getting either, I'm just getting Lobo on a shit plate.

So Batman/Lobo is an Elseworlds. They are like DC's what If except they don't really ask a question like What If Spider-Man Never Married Mary Jane. Instead it's more like What If Batman Punched Jack the Ripper in the dickhole? They started in 1989 with Batman: Gotham By Gaslight. While I like a lot of DC characters I'm going to have to go with Batman as my favorite. It's a good choice because most Batman stories are pretty good. It's like Spider-Man or pizza. Even if it isn't the best you'll still have a pretty good time with it. I dunno. You know how easy to please I am. Batman made the best Elseworlds too... although to be fair I have not read many of the other Elseworlds. So expect a good amount of them to show up here because I like them. Expect What If to show up here too. Just expect too much poorly written crap to show up here. For all five of my adoring fans. I hope you enjoy this. 

The writer of this stuff is Alan Grant. He wrote a lot of Batman. Some of my favorite stories even. The man also wrote a lot of Lobo but we will get to that. He was born Bristol, England and got into the comics scene there. He wrote for like 2000 A.D. You know Judge Dredd and other stuff no one seems to talk about. I should really read more Judge Dredd. The stuff I did read was fucking wild as hell. He teams up with writer John Wagner and in 1987 or 1988 they take over Detective Comics and just start telling crazy ass stories there. I am a big fan of these stories and I will have to talk about one sooner or later. I guess I will have to put that on the list. Sadly Alan Grant passed away in 2022 at the age of 73. He will be missed.

 The artist of this comic is a man named  Simon Bisley He was born on March 3, 1962. He helped redefine Lobo from his original look to how he looks now. People really seem to like his art but I am not a big fan. At least of the stuff in this story. I'm not sure why either. It just looks really really really tryhard to me. I dunno. I really don't have much to say about Simon Bisley except he seems like a nice man and I wish I liked his artwork more. That's all.

So no more beating around the bush. I must tell you THE LOBO SECRET THAT I HOLD. THE SECRET IS..............I fucking hate Lobo. You'd know this if you read that old paragraph post. Lobo to me is just like Deadpool a character many poeple seem to think is hilarious but I think is about as funny or interesting as dirt. And not that fancy store bought dirt with minerals in it. The regular ass dirt you find outside any house anywhere. Deadpool I will give some credit too. At least people seem to write something serious with him from time to time. I could never take those moments seriously because I'd always remember him going LOL I WANNA HUMP BEA ARTHUR IN A TUB FULL OF BANANA PUDDING. I will give it credit that people seem to at least be able to take him serious sometimes, both fans and writers. Lobo however is one joke that I just find annoying. LOL IM A 1990S CHARACTER TURNED TOO 100% HAHAH. It's a shame because Keith Giffen who created Lobo and then re-created him with Alan Grant is a talented AND funny guy. I just do not like the Lobo joke. I should review an Ambush Bug series. 

Anyway, I've posted enough that's not about the comic so let's discuss Batman/Lobo. Goodie. We start off with Batman and the Joker fighting. Simon Bisley's Batman is a fuckin brick shithouse. It's pretty wild.  Anyway The Joker for some reason wants to be a crime lord. I mean the BIG MAIN CRIME LORD in Gotham. I like the Joker but yes he can be overused a lot. I also like him being a weirdo who just does crazy ass crimes to just annoy the shit out of Batman. I dunno. Him wanting to just be another crime lord is just not great. He wants to fight Scarface, you know the puppet played by the guy who looks like me except 200 pounds skinnier. I should tell you that I believe the first Scarface story was also the first Alan Grant/John Wagner Batman comic. Wild huh? So The Joker wants to get back out of Arkham and he sees Lobo fly by.  Lolo has a fuckin confederate flag on his flying machine. What a fuckin dweeb.

 Oh cool, Lobo just killed Killer Croc. Great. It's one of those HEY I WANNA SHOW MY CHARACTER IS TOUGH AND COOL AND A BADASS AND ULTRA AWESOME AND NOT JUST SOME BORING LAME-O IN A DIRTY TRENCHCOAT AND LONG DIRTY HAIR so i'll have him kill a bigger more popular character. I'll give Lobo this much, his design his better than a lot of those characters that never went anywhere and most people were just annoyed by them. At least I hope most people were annoyed by them. I really don't get the popularity of a lot of 1990s comics man. Anyway he's there to kill the Joker for Scarface. Joker is like I'll give you  ten million dollars to HUMILIATE and then kill Batman. Make Gotham hate him!

So The Penguin, a turtle, a shark man and a hammerhead shark man are all robbing a bank.  So uh, Lobo dresses up as Batman and just starts killing people. I'm sure no one will ask questions or wonder if this Batman is an imposter or anything. Batman says that he must fight Lobo alone for some reason. It's personal. So he leaves Robin and Nightwing who are different in this universe. Nightwing is Tim Drake and Robin is Dick Grayson. I dunno. I just thought it to be neat. Lobo kills some dudes and Batman fights him and blah blah blah. I don't get the comedy of this and honestly the story is just dull, all over the place and not very well written. I KNOW Alan Grant can do better than this. Seriously. Fuck. 

Oh, Nightwing and Robin just taken out like the biggest chumps in the universe. I get the humor within this story or any Lobo story. LOL HE'S RUDE AND VERY 1990S COMIC CHARACTER WOOOOOOOOOOOOO I JUST SHIT MY PANTS FROM LAUGHING SO HARD. so Lobo is killing just about all of Gotham and they somehow still think he's actually Batman.  So Batman was running DNA tests and he wants Joker to see them.  Alfred gets into a ROBO BATMAN suit from when Batman fought JIMMY OLSEN, SUPERMAN. I can't deny that I do like these little touches. I kinda want to see how JIMMY OLSEN would be as Superman. At least more than read the rest of this crap. I really think Alan Grant just wrote nonsense because he knew Lobo fans would buy it up and it would make him money. I can't see how someone who's actually celebrated as a Batman writer would write such shit.

 Lololololol. Holy shit The Joker and Batman were brothers. Twin brothers. At six years old the Waynes were killed and whoever killed them took JOEY WAYNE away. HE BECAME THE JOKER. Wow now the Joker for some reason LOVES BATMAN HIS BROTHER. He uses ultra gas to knock out Lobo and Joker wants to kill him but then SCARFACE SHOWS UP and his gang has a Walrus who does the Beatles song thing. Yes you know that. Not something that was ever comically referenced too ever before. Some chattering teeth the Joker was working on earlier come to life and eat Scarface's gang. The Joker shoots the guy controlling Scarface and I wish I was doing just about anything else. Jesus christ.

Oh wow. Joker tries to kill Batman and Lobo wakes up but Batman made the gas have him have control over Lobo and he sends him away from earth and makes it so he never kills anyone or anything ever again. Good wow.  I uh, see no reason why they made them brothers at all. I hear Simon Bisley draws stuff that isnt in the script and it made Alan Grant re-write stuff. I dunno who the blame but this is not a good story or a good comic book. I hate Lobo even more now

FINAL THOUGHTS: This story is going to make me say something I did not want to say. DEADPOOL IS A BETTER THOUGHT OUT, MORE FLESHED OUT, FUNNIER CHARACTER THEN LOBO. I mean that is not saying much but the fact I have to say it makes me incredibly mad. This is one of those things I talk about that so shitty that I'm going to be grumpy for the rest of the night. Fuck you Lobo. (Seriously why the fuck didn't they pick ANY OTHER CHARACTER to be the bad guy in the Supergirl movie? ANY OTHER CHARACTER. ANY OF THEM. Lobo is DC's worst character and I will punch portnoyd if he tries to say otherwise. This is a promise too) 

 

The Final Episode #140: GI Joe: A Real American Hero (DIC) (1989 - 1992)

 

I know I said that it would be a movie review, Final Episode or Comic Review before a NEW SET of three NES game reviews to keep things different on the main page. However I am adding something to that, I can do several Final Episodes or Comic Reviews or whatever. Just at least one has to pop up before I get back to the ol' NES. So I'll hopefully talk about a comic of some kind before tomorrow so we can get back to the NES. Anyway I'm making this extra rule because I just for whatever reason felt like talking about G.I. Joe. and DIC. So yeah.

First off, I do consider these too be two different shows which is why I'm doing both. Yes, apparently they continue the Sunbow series "canon" or whatever. However it's a newer and uh, not as good animation studio. Secondly it came out two years after the movie. It had been enough time for me to consider this a new series and I don't give a shit if you don't. This is my stupid shithole blog and I get to do whatever I want on it. So let's talk about DiC, You know I have a love for the stuff in the Inspector Heathcliff era which was from like Uylusses 31 to Teddy Ruxpin. I call it Inspector Heathcliff because I like Inspector Gadget and Heathcliff and the idea of them being mushed together amuses me greatly.

Anyway this era ended when Andy Hayward decided to push Jean Chalopin out of his job as head of DiC, bought stocks or some shit. I don't know how he did it and I don't care.  The Hayward era of DiC lasted from the late 1980s to 2008 and it got worse and worse until seriously the shows they were making were like Super Duper Sumos and no I won't talk about that show no matter how hard you try. They did animation incredibly cheap and apparently did this show for so cheap because they wanted to corner the animation market. That I do think worked for a while because you couldn't watch a damn cartoon without seeing that KID IN THE BED and the STARS GOING DIC thing at the end of a cartoon.

So these are considered really bad. I don't think I ever really watched much GI Joe but for Portnoyd I'm going to talk about several episodes. I'm also doing it for my self because these episodes sound really dumb. So get ready for our TRIPLE SIZED BLOG POST on the DiC version of G.I. Joe. After this I don't think there's any more GI Joe stuff I can talk about except maybe the movie. This literally ends it all. I'm not talking about any of the dumb GI Joe shit made after 2005. This is for nostalgia and my nostalgia is DiC cartoons. so many god damn DiC cartoons. 

 Two of these episodes are just gonna be short recaps. Nothing amazing just short. I just saw several episodes on the guide and they looked so goofy I had to watch them and if I'm gonna watch them I might as well talk about them. Our first episode is called Granny Dearest. So the Joe's are deliving some thing and COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA wants it. Man Cobra really has better characters than GI Joe. The Joes in this episode are boring. Pathfinder and some other jerks I don't care about. The Cobra guys are this crazy lunatic with rockets strapped on his back which he fires and a Gay Safari Hunter. Clearly better than the GI Joes of random military guy and other random military guy. Oh and Pathfinder who can't find his way around the city. They end up having a fight and Rocket Man's grandma shows up. Just in the middle of a fight. I think she steps on the bomb he was about the set up. I'm glad he did not blow up his grandma. It shows that even evil crazy men can love their grannies! The GI Joe in the plane thing (available at all KB Toys for 15.99!!) tries to stop her and she just throws her suitcase at them. Granny's a hard bitch.

Of course Metal Head (what a great name) told Granny that G.I. Joe is full of Gangsters which is why she did it.  Lol Granny picks up a doohickey that I'm sure was a thing you use to blow up bombs (I'm talking about the GI Joe DIC cartoon. I am not a learned man, Piss off) and bitches and moans at Metal Head who in his letters said he was the leader of Cobra and they were good guys! Oh man, Granny's gonna be mad when she finds out about that! She cleans it off and uses it to blow up and it nearly kills Gay Safari Man. I say he's gay because he has one of those gay porno mustaches from the 1970s and 1980s.  the boring ass GI Joes for this episode talk about what the machi does but I'm not really paying attention. I want more Granny. She's the best! I hate this remake Cobra Commander. It is AWFUL. Hood Cobra Commander or NO COBRA COMMANDER. THIS SHIT IS TRASH AND CAN GET FUCKED IN THE ASS. Also lol Gay Safari Man goes to the Alligator Races AND the Ballet. He's both femme and butch!!!  Man, I wish Granny was a bad guy and won't end up joining the GI Joes but you know she will, this shit is wild, but I really gotta get to the ending quick. Granny helps Cobra by COVERING THE GI JOES IN GRAIN and she yells COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBRA with Gay Safari Man. I like how Cobra Commander was in a scene with her and never mentioned anything, all he did was refuse her soup. This episode is fucking madness. Lololololol there was a scene of Granny running to her Grandson and past Cobra Commander he wanted a hug!!!

 This is the goofiest shit in the world. Cobra Commander is really mad that he didn't get that hug either. hahahahhah Freefall got caught by Metal Head and now he's gonna tell his Granny. I love this goofy shit. Holy hot hell (Also the new Destro is pretty cool.) Granny, Gay Safari Man and a ANGRY CYBORG show up. Wow Granny finally realizes GI Joe are the good guys and literally says shes gonna wash Metal Heads mouth out with soap. I like what makes he realize they are bad guys is Cobra Commander putting his feet up on the desk. Granny likes PROPER TABLE MANNERS THANK YOU. I once posted what was the dumbest episode of any 80s cartoon and I think this just might take the cake. It has to be in the Top 5 at LEAST. It's wonderfully dumb though. The GI Joe's stop the DOOHICKEY OF THE EPISODE and the FLOATING FORTRESS floats no more. Granny really should have become a member of GI Joe.

Our next episode is Stuck On You.  You remember the movie Trading Places where the Principal from the Breakfast Club gets put in a Gorilla suit and then raped to death by a lady Gorilla? Good lord 1980s comedies were insane and I watched this one a lot as a kid. Anyway this episode is like that except no raping to death of the Principal from the Breakfast Club. This time a gorilla falls in love with Cobra Commander.  So Pathfinder and Cobra Commander get lost in the jungle. Pathfinder gets in trouble with some Lions and gets followed by Papa Lion. Cobra Commander becomes the plaything of a gorilla.

 Cobra Commander gets captured by Pathfinder. They are being chased by a Gorilla who wants to make love with Cobra Commander. A pissed off Lion. Cobra guys that were called in secretly by Cobra Commander and the GI Joes Duke, Lady Jaye and British Man. Seriously he sounds very british. I guess he is from ACTION FORCE.  Lol they fall into the water after running away from the Lion and oh shit a snake is attacking Cobra Commander. Pathfinder is allergic to snakes... Can you be allergic to snakes??? They cause him to sniffle and sneeze but he's no coward so he picks up the damn snake and throws it in the water. This shit is bananas, as POET LAUREATE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA Gwen Stefaini once said. I will just say that the rest of this episode is pretty insane but Cobra Commander DOES NOT get raped. I'm sorry Bratwurst.

 

The last episode I plan to discuss in shorter detail is called Kindergarten Commandos. Wow Cobra is destroying school books by burning them. Just like Nazis. Book burning is always bad kids. Granny would NOT approve. Wow they are burning the books to replace them with THEIR history books. With a guy that looks like OLD SCHOOL HOODED COBRA COMMANDER crossing the Delaware instead of like Thomas Jefferson or one of those slave owning shitheads. Oh man we're at the school with the kids now. They will end up teaming up with MERCER and take town COBRAS EVIL PLOT. Also they went back to the Hooded Cobra Commander so I can stop freaking out of that. Honestly this one is not as wacky as I was hoping for. The Kids start helping Cobra then give up on helping them when Cobra Commander starts reading WILLIAM SNAKESPEAR to the kids. One of the kids helps MERCER out and then they take on Cobra Commander. The kids stop the rescue team by boobytrapping the school yard. Also a really dumb Cobra guy goes ENOUGH OF THIS OVER THE TOP NONSENSE before blowing a hole in the wall. They save the day. This episode is goofy but Granny and the Gorilla were goofier episodes.

 The Final Episode was called The Legend of Metal Head and it's a fucking clip show. Oh and the episode prior is also a fucking clip show. I'm amazed so many cartoons also had clip shows. It's kind of amazing how we'd just never complain about clip shows. It might have been something in 1964 but you had a damn VCR to record shit in 1991 when this episode aired!  I'm not talking about a damn clip show ever again because trying to turn that shit into a blog post is annoying and terrible. None of them will ever be as amazing as Webster so why even bother? It's not like the News Anchors from Meet the Press are gonna show up for a crossover that just might out weird the Webster one. So I'm gonna watch Metal Head's Reunion.

 Metal Head's Reunion came to is in November of 1991. Written by Steve Weiss and Paul Dell. They wrote for Captain N, Saved by the Bell The New Class, Saved by the Bell the College Years, One of the Super Mario Brothers cartoons and Kenan and Kel. I never saw Kenan and Kel but I did see Good Burger. What a weird movie that was. Anyway this episode starts with well Grid Iron and Metal Head going to their high school reunion. Grid Iron and a scientest lady who used to be a cheerleader lady are talking about how they are going to be at the high school reunion. Cobra is trying to steal the ULTRA SUPER X-D79.2/6 SUPER COATING. or some random doohickey that will help them TAKE OVER THE WORLD. This Cheerleader Scientist made the ray. Oh man Metal Head was the goofy high school mascot. Which was just a guy with a bucket on his head. This show is goofy.

  Anyway the coating thing she created is unstable but it does help defect lasers away. I guess they will want this. Cobra I mean. Anyway GRID IRON and CHEERLEADER SCIENTIST show up in nice clothes. She forgot and put how to make the SUPER ULTRA X-F422 COATING on the same disk she made some kind of weird image making thing. She turns Grid Iron from Grid Iron to a Cat man. I think Cheerleader Scientist is a furry. Also Metal Head brought GRANNY. YES. Thank you LORD. Granny is back. This will be a good way to end all of this off.  Metal Head tries to get Granny to go with Grid Iron so he can talk to Cheerleader Scientist. Lol they have a dance and then Metal Head literally asks her for the Formula. She doesn't know he's with Cobra but she still says no. This show is goofy.

Metal Head calls Cobra by firing rockets into the sky. This causes a bunch of boats to come by and attach to the bigger boat and bring it to a whirlpool which brings it to the Under the Sea base of Cobra. I love Under the Sea bases and will never tire of seeing them. So another GI Joe gets in somehow. He has a Green Hat. I will call him Green Hat Greg. Metal Head is talking about all he did to get then captured by Cobra and Granny just PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE. Berates him and says he shouldnt have done this to his classmates, then tells him he should get a better job after hes like BUT ITS MY JOB. Granny rules. I would buy like 8 Granny action figures. No lie. Anyway she storms off and we see Grid Iron and Cheerleader Scientist. They go into the UNDER THE SEA BASE to find out how to open up an exit. Granny also comes in. Metal Head is flying around so happy and hopes Cobra Commander will treat him well for this.

Like a big doofus dummy the Cheerleader Scientist seems to jump off the thing she and Grid Iron were climbing just to meet Metal Head and give up her secrets. She wants Cobra Commander to let everyone go but he's like SURE but behind his back he's doing the crossed fingers thing. I wonder where that happened and why people did it. You could easily lie without having to do that. It's very weird. Anyway she gives it to them and Destro looks it over. He says they can't use it on land but they can under the sea. Seeing as they are now under the sea they start creagint the coating and start using it. Cheerleader Scientist lets out the weakest OH NO i've ever seen. 

So they really must coat this thing fast with whatever this is because GI Joes show up and start shooting and it does nothing. Cobra fucks them up easily causing them to retreat. All Metal Head wants is to fight Grid-Iron and GRANNY COMES OUT WITH A FUCKIN BAZOOKA and blows up one of his rockets that was gonna hit Grid Iron. Green Hat Greg shows up and I guess goes off with Granny. Grid Iron flies around in one of those backpack helicopter things. Metal Head literally destroys his base. Seriously I thought SCIENTIST LADY somehow edited the FLOPPY DISK before giving it to Cobra Commander and that was how it was gonna end. Nope, Goofy ass Metal Head blows up the thing instead. Scientist Lady, Grid Iron, Granny and Green Hat Greg gotta get outta there FAST, but not before Scientist Lady and Grid Iron get the floppy disk. Metal Head shows up and gets a floppy disk but you know it's gonna be the IMAGE MAKING thing even though I swear she said both were on the same disc but I'm not going back to check. I think I've talked enough about DiC GI Joe. Stuff is leaking out of my ears and I think that's a sign to finish this.

They get back on the ship. Cobra gets on their ship and the UNDER THE SEA BASE sinks because Metal Head was a terrible shot.  Oh it got deleted but somehow she was able to get a message from Granny on there. This being in the CANON of the Sunbow show means this was the LAST 1980S GI JOE ADVENTURE. This goofy, goofy shit. I'm sure some people were pissed off but I was bemused by this nonsense. Still better than a fucking clip show. This was not the only episode of a cartoon show to involve a High School Class Reunion. Darkwing Duck also did it and that episode was much better. Still this was fun. I still want a Granny action figure. Name your price!

FINAL THOUGHTS: Stuff is leaking out of my eyes now. I think I need to press publish and go do anything else. 

The Movie Review #80: Return of the Living Dead III (1993)

 

Alright! It's time to come back to movie reviews. I think from now on it will be Final Episode, Movie Review, Comic Review and MAYBE TV You Forgot About Review, then we will go for some NES game reviews. Try to keep it all happening. so what I want to do with MOVIE REVIEW is to review at least one chapter in every famous horror series. and by famous its by my level of famous so you'll probably still end up seeing some more obscure stuff, especially if you are not a big horror fan like me. I do also plan to review more different kind of movies and also do the RANK and REVIEW and other stuff. So with that all out of the way let's talk about Return of the Living Dead 3.

Return of the Living Dead, the original was made in 1985, based on some idea from John Russo who was the other guy involved with Night of the Living Dead, the original movie. The first movie was directed by Dan O'Bannon and it is pretty damn awesome. It is incredibly cool and fun to watch. It had a comedic tone but tongue in cheek kinda comedy. A lot of fun to be had with these group of characters. Return of the Living Dead Part 2 is a vastly goofier movie but I admittedly find it charming and fun to watch.  That's what I felt about both movies when I first saw them and what I feel about them now. I have never seen the Sci Fi Original Movie sequels (I think that at least) which make up parts 4 and 5. I can watch a lot of incredibly cheap movies made between the 1950s and the 1990s but cheap movies after 2000 have to look INCREDIBLY entertaining for me to want to see them. I did not think parts 4 or 5 were interesting.

Now what about the third movie. I remember renting it and thinking it was pretty entertaining, had cool effects and I liked the character of the Riverman. I still feel this way but I kinda hate the other characters in this movie. It's just because Brian Yuzna is really talented that I still got some entertainment out of this movie but I think I liked it better in like I dunno 2001 or whatever.  Let's talk about the stuff I liked in this movie first. First off I fucking loved the effects in this movie. Holy shit they created a lot of fun looking zombies in this movie. Seriously there are not a lot of Zombies in this movie but every one of them is cool as hell looking (Still none of them beat the Tarman but I really don't think any of them ever will do that). My favorite of all the zombies is the one that was jammed into one of those Trioxin drums and when it comes out it's all freaky looking and its arm is like stuck in its gut. So fuckin cool.

The character of the Riverman is played by the Basil Wallace. He plays this insane man who lives in the sewer and is THE most entertaining character. I'm serious in the fact that if he wasn't in another nineteen movies I would seriously believe that he was actual a mentally unwell homeless man they actually had star in this movie. He talks about seeing dead bodies get eaten by something, then starts singing and he's just insane. He ends up helping the heroes and dying. The movie also has a pretty entertaining stereotypical Mexican gang in this. Seriously one of them says ESE more than I think anyone has ever said it before. The pacing is also very good, the movie never really slows down.

The biggest problem with this movie and I guess I am now old and bitter is that it has two teenager characters who are all like NO DAD WE STARTED DATING A MONTH AND A HALF AGO AND WE CLEARLY ARE IN LOVE FOREVER DAD NO SHUT UP DAD kinda kids. So let's just give you the plot to this movie. A military group are now working on the zombies. I don't know how the first two movies work into this or if it's just it's own weird canon. I dunno. I just don't knwo why the hell military in these movies are like OH MAN LETS REALLY USE THIS DANGEROUS HARD TO CONTROL THING TO KILL OUR ENEMIES. IT WILL NEVER BITE US ON OUR ASS. Yeah, I know I'm sure there are movies that I clearly liked that has this trope in it but it kinda annoyed me here. The dad gets one chance to literally change zombies into war machines that won't hurt people. or at least the people who aren't OUR ENEMIES. FUCK YEAH AMERICA HELL YEAH EAGLES FREEDOM WOO. I mean yeah he ends up getting several people killed and that's not good but I dunno what they were fucking expecting! They are zombies! ZOMBIES!

The young couple sees this and then leaves. The son has a fight with his dad and then oh no they have to go to Oklahoma. The son is not having it. So he drives off on his motorcycle and the girl is being a stupid idiot and literally gets into an accident because of this AND DIES. Smacks against a tree or something. This causes her boyfriend to bring her to the military place and hit her with the Trioxin. He knows this because they were watching them try to turn a zombie into a war machine before this.  They leave, end up fighting the MEXICAN GANG (who end up being turned into cool zombies). They meet the Riverman, his dad gets taken off the case and THE ANGRY MILITARY LADY shows up. I dunno, this YOUNG LOVERS IN TROUBLE thing just doesn't do shit for me. I'm grumpy and bitter. Piss off.

They end up at the same military place in the end. Yeah they saved all the zombies and are now trying to ANGRY MILITARY LADY's idea of turning the zombies into some kind of mechs. I dunno if they would have worked but since the RANDOM SCIENTIST is like yeah lets show this guy who is not in the military all this stuff. I mean yeah his dad is but whatever. He sees his Julie his girlfriend and no one could be put in this situation and NOT do something. He opens up the cage she's in and holy shit it becomes a fucking mad house with zombies getting out everywhere and literally ends with Julie and the boy killing each other. Romeo and Juliet shit. Lame.

I did not hate this movie. It still has some 90s charm, I mean the MEXICAN GANG is playing a shitty Street Figther ripoff on a real arcade machine and that is so much fun to see. I dunno. I didn't hate this one but I don't think I'll be watching it again. I will give it a 2.5 out of 5. I kinda want to watch Brian Yuzna's other zombie movie Bride of Re-Animator. I should have mentioned it earlier but I missed the comedy from the first two movies. I dunno. I'm done talking about this movie now.

The Final Episode #139: The Hughley's (1998 - 2002)

 

So, as you know I finished off The Disney Afternoon. Or at least the shows I can do a Final Episode of. (I will probably talk about the very short lived Disney cartoons that were done in the 1990s in TV YOU FORGOT ABOUT. I have a decent amount of them to talk about). So I figured I needed to turn over to the other most important TV BLOCK of shows. Known as TGIF. I have talked about Boy Meets World, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Full House, Family Matters, Step By Step, and finally Dinosaurs. I have I believe four more shows to talk about and discuss their Final Episodes. Then I got a bunch of short lived shows that will be discussed over the next little while in the TV YOU FORGOT ABOUT series of blog posts. I can't wait to tell you all about Aliens in the Family because I guess that's the reason I was put on this planet for.

 You might be wondering what TGIF is? I mean that is you are a Zoomer or Generation Alpha CHILD that somehow found this blog. First off if you really are a GENERATION ALPHA CHILD, please leave. I say a lot of things that uh, no one should really have to read but REALLY no one under the age of 18 should read. but to answer the question to any adult (the fact there are adults out there who didn't enjoy the MAGIC of TGIF makes me feel like I am going to explode into a weird to the touch powder. Okay, enough of this clearly trying to make the paragraph bigger as to make it look like you actually put effort into this thing and didn't. TGIF was a block of shows on ABC that ran from I believe the late 1980s and too the year 2000. As you can see I have chosen a show from near the end of the run. We will discuss why in the next paragraph.

 I chose this one because uh I didn't really like it all that much and would like to get it over with. In 1998. I wasn't watching as much TGIF really. I remember watching Sabrina and that was about it. Boy Meets World decided it wanted to go too serious and I think this and some show I forget about were the only other ones. Family Matters was on CBS giving it one Final go and so did Step By Step. Yeah, CBS did their own TGIF like 8 or 9 years after ABC did it. Way to hit when the idea was on top and not clearly dying. I should be in management making the big bucks. I at least know when to FUCKING STRIKE WHEN THE IRON IS HOT YOU STUPID MORONS. Anyway The Hughley's was a sitcom based around D. L. Hughley a pretty unmemorable African American comedian. Seriously I will watch black youtubers talk about 90s nostalgic thigns because well it's neat to get a different school of thought on these things. I can't think of a single one of them who ever brought up Mr. Hughley. This is clearly one of those things I dig up out of the dirt of the past that should have been kept from the dirt but fucking hell if I had to watch this shit then you gotta listen to me talk about it! Best reasoning I can say is that this is a show starring black people that did not make it on UPN. I think that really says it all but I will type another insane amount of words about this crap because I clearly have nothing else to do.

The Final Episode was entitled "It's a Girl Part 1 and 2" Yes. We get a two parter. I mean the show I was planning on discussing first was a THREE PARTER and I was like yeah let's go with DARRYL HUGHLEY instead. The episode was written at least it says was written on IMDB by three guys. So let's discuss all of them. John D. Beck I think might be Canadian, I say this because his first writing gig was for Student Bodies, the High School comedy sitcom thing from Canada. I have no idea for sure though. He would work on According to Jim which was a TERRIBLE sitcom and I say this as like the one human being who likes Jim Belushi. I mean besides Jim Belushi. He then worked on some Disney Channel and or Nickelodeon (really they all seem so indistinguishable to me. I've been tempted to pick a few of each and just talk about them. I see so many YOUNGSTERS blathering on about them that I got a little curious. Probably won't happen but really who the hell knows?)  shows. Ron Hart wrote for some of the same shows at John so I'm guessing they might be some kind of writing partners or something. Maybe even real life partners. I don't fucking know or care. EARL RICHEY JONES who clearly has the best name of the bunch uh... worked on In Living Color and some terrible looking movie starring Cedric the Entertainer, which I probably will watch because I spend my time wisely.

 So I guess it's time to rip this bandage off. This episode is about THE HIGH SCHOOL REUNION. I am one minute in and I already am not a fan of the character DARRYL HUGHLEY plays. He's what I like to call THE COMEDIC JERK. I think this might just be the hardest role to play. Sometimes a JERK character can be memorable and fun and you can't wait to see what they do next. Sometimes they just come off as abrasive and not fun to watch. I personally feel this character already comes off as abrasive and not fun. I do have to say that I kinda like his wife character. She has this "Jesus Christ why the fuck am I still married to this shithead" vibe going on. He's talking to his friend who is apparently named MILTSAP and if someone called me MILTSAP I would probably cry. What the fuck is up with that nickname? Anyway they are talking about REAL DEAL CAMILLE a woman who broke up with DEE JAY HUGHLEY.

Darryl being the NOT FUNNY Jerk that he is wants to rub it in her face and still cares about something that happened AT LEAST 15 years prior to this. He wants her to know that he's successful. He also says SHES PROBABLY FAT BLAH. I do not like his voice. It bothers me. Miltsap then talks to a lady named SHONDRA. she says that she got pregnant after the last reunion and he then puts two and two together and OH MY GOD MILTSAP IS A DADDY! Yes I am going to type the name MILTSAP as much as I possibly can. Fuck you. Oh hey it's the RANDOM WHITE GUY some of these shows had. I get the feeling they were pressured to put them in there. NO ONE COULD LIKE A SHOW WITH ALL BLACK PEOPLE JUST GRAB SOME RANDOM WHITE GUY AND SHOVE HIS ASS IN THERE. They did that because they don't care. Also apparently his name is MILLSAP but that's still really weird. Anyway they are at his house talking about his unknown daughter and MS. DEE JAY HUGHLEY talks about how she thinks its wild that SHONDRA never told you.

So his daughter comes ot the door and then says IM A GIRL I HAVE A GUGNIA. Or something like that. That causes the rest of the cast to walk out of his house leaving him to put up with this weird weird child. This is gonna be a rough fucking sit. OH MAN THIS KID GET THIS........ MAKES IT HARD FOR THIS GUY WHOS NEVER BEEN AROUND CHILDREN. OH MY. NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE. This was written by four people and literally feels like a random script a wanna be screenwriter writes at 15 just to try and write a TV Script.  OH MY GODDDD he gets a call from Shondra and she tells him she's not coming back! He's stuck with the CHILD who randomly talks about her guhgnia. Jesus Christ maybe I should have suffered through a third episode of the other show. God fuck this is miserable.

Darryl then lectures him that he needs to take care of this child that he just met and didn't know about at all. I'm not saying he should just throw her away to some foster home or orphanage or something but uh this was a REALLY FUCKING BIG THING TO GET DROPPED ON SOMEONE WILLY NILLY DEE JAY you SHITHEAD. Some other things happened before this but you could literally not talk about them and I won't.  I'm just amazed he's all like this during this VERY SERIOUS SHIT. Oh I dunno maybe his friend really isn't equipped to be a dad? Ever think of that DEE JAY? God. I'm also not saying his friend shouldn't try but maybe actually HELP your friend instead of being a DILDO. The Comedic Jerk is a really hard thing to pull of to be fair but I would not want to be around DEE JAY. Oh, we are bringing back the REAL DEAL CAMILLE plot. They really wanted to force this into two plots. It really feels like they had to turn this into two plots to make it feel like a big FINAL EPISODE but it really doesn't. It just feels like they are setting up for a season 5 that never came to be (thank the lord) 

So DEE JAY's wife has to work and he's off to see CAMILLE. He even bothers her about being JEALOUS and stuff and I'm like GOD I HATE YOU. Oh good now SHONDRA came back and is now arguing with MILLSAP. They try to make her sound a bit better for what she did and all but she still comes off as a SHITHEAD. everyone in this show is a SHITHEAD but they are also NOT FUNNY.  Beavis and Butthead were SHITHEADS but at least funny things happened to them or were caused by them. These guys do nothing. NOTHING. I hate them all. So we go back to DEE JAY at the SECOND NIGHT OF THE HIGH SCHOOL REUNION. I do not think that happens. I did not go to any of my High School Reunions. I do not even know if any happened. I just stayed away and will continue to do so. I never really interacted with many people and they all thought I was probably MENTALLY DISABLED or something.

So he's at the dance and guess what... Camille is there and she's not fat or toothless like he thought. He's like WOW SHE'S TILL SUPER HOT and I'm like bro you're married and not even that you're married to a woman who is clearly more attractive. I don't really like getting up on peoples looks because I look like Larry from the Three Stooges became a cannibal and ate Curly. I do not and should not try to judge anyone but I will here. This Camille woman is not as hot as your wife. She's okay. I guess.  You know how with a lot of cartoons and sitcoms and hell even stuff that wasn't that you could tell OH SHIT THEY AREN'T GONNA FINISH THIS OFF THIS EPISODE and you had to come back next week like I think this might be the least interesting TO BE CONTINUED of all time. I just do not give a flying hot fuck. or a cold fuck or any kind of a fuck. I cared more about the Care Bears getting out of some trouble in their Christmas Special more than this!

So I guess here is the SECOND PART. Of this WILD SHIT. you see the BIG ENDING of the last episode is that HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND KISSED HIM and.................HE LIKED IT. Wow! I am so exicited to see how this concludes. Also it seems that MILLSAP is becoming a dad and maybe liking it.  Yep. I'm all enthralled and can't wait to be sarcastic and sassy to this episode too. She asks about Camille and HE ACTS GOOFY AND AWKWARD and she clearly knows now that something is going on. Cool. I hope she stabs him in the dick and thats how this show ends. Now he's talking ot his friends MILLSAP and RANDOM WHITE MAN. RANDOM WHITE MAN looks like the kinda guy you'd hire to be a henchman in an action movie where the bad guys are white supremacists. Anyway MILLSAP's kid is there and I bet she blabs about the kiss to DEE JAY's kids. If this is not what happens I'll I dunno eat my hat. I'll have to buy one first though.

 Some character I don't know is going to COLLEGE. OH MAN. She's now happy to be out of that house and free. OH NO AN ANNOYING NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR CHARACTER IS IN HER DORM. AHHH. I think this lady was on another sitcom because she looks familiar, but I am not wasting the time to find out who she is. I do not want to know more about THE HUGHLEYS then is completely necessary. No more. Just THIS. Oh said college girl is DEE JAY'S niece. I think the COLLEGE NEIGHBOR is actually Angela from Boy Meets World. I wish I was watching Boy Meets World instead of this. Oh man do I. Anyway DEE JAY'S NIECE is annoyed by her cousins and WOW THEY COME TO VISIT. What a great side plot I can't wait to not talk any more about until I jam the conclusion into the end paragraph. 

Yeah they were clearly setting up WILD STUFF for PLOTS for the fifth season. I really think they no season five isnt happening, go away had to happen before they had time to make a real Final Episode. It's not like I care that these characters didn't get a good send off because I'm never going to watch or hopefully think of the Hughley's ever again after this. OH MY GUESS WHAT I WAS RIGHT. THE GIRL DID SPILL THE BEANS!!! wow I know this stuff isn't rocket science but maybe have some surprises in the episode for people. I dunno. Maybe I'm being too mean to the Hughley's. I will feel that way until DEE JAY shows up and I just hate it all again.  The two of them will yell and scream and then forgive each other. Cool. SHE ACTUALLY TELLS HIM TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. It's half way through the episode. Will this end on a cliffhanger???

 OH NO HIS WIFE WENT TO THE HOTEL THAT HIS EX IS ALSO AT!!! the one he just left!!! oh no!!!  His wife and CAMIEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEE oh god I'm starting to talk like BILL COSBY OH SHIT WATCH OUT. She tells him when he learnt she was there he left and that he loves her. Wow. Oh no he's now at his nieces and she said she was at at concert so her stupid cousins would leave her alone. I don't think MR KISSING OTHER WOMEN gets to sass anyone for lying. Anyway she gets him to go back him to make up with her and WOW she came here to talk to him! Oh man! Thankfully this shit seems to be over with. There's a joke after this but I don't care enough to talk about it.  

I haven't seen them all but I am very sure that this is the worst TGIF show to last longer than a season. Hell the 892 that only lasted a season were probably better than this. This was just terrible. Awful. ATROCIOUS. ANNOYING and I did not enjoy my time with this. This was a show I didn't really like to watch at fifteen and I certainly don't like watching it now at forty.

FINAL THOUGHTS: D.L. Hughley might be the luckiest man alive. You see in 1996 or 1997 or whenever, CBS bought out FAMILY MATTERS and STEP BY STEP for their last season which ended up making ABC scramble for new shows. They made two TEEN ANGEL and YOU WISH which yes, I'm sure I'll do something with. I did like both of those shows when I was like twelve.  Those shows failed and ABC had to scramble YET AGAIN and pick up The Hughley's. I do not think this show would be a thing if ABC didn't have to scramble over and over for something. I hope I never have to think about D.L. Hughley again. Original King of Comedy my ass.