NES Game Reviews: The Legend of Kage sucks.

 

 

I figured that I might as well at least one time give the AD of the moment to a sports game. As much as I gripe about them they were a part of the NES's flavor and the flavor of like every video game system ever. People like sports and they like sports video games. What do I think of Legends of the Diamond??? WELL YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO READ SEVERAL REVIEWS TO FIND OUT! Also one game is put differently then it was in the actual Mike Etler rarity list. I just realized this is not even an updated list by him but by a INTERNET MAN named Antseezee. I remember thinking he was an alright fella. Of course these memories are twenty years old at this point. Who else here remembers ANTSEEZEE?

 

Legacy of the Wizard. I think this was a series of games called Dragon Slayer? and they had four of them but only like this one came to america. And FAXANDU was like a spinoff of that series? I forget. All I know that this is a SEARCH AROUND UNTIL YOU FIND SHIT kinda game. You play as an entire family that has different strengths and weaknesses and they can do different things that can get you farther in the game. This is a very well thought out game and I like it quite a bit. Yes, it's pretty hard and yes there are obtuse moments that make you go FUCK YOU LEGACY OF THE FUCKING WIZARD but it's still well made enough that you come back to play it. I dunno, I like these maze games even if I am no good at them and give up and or look up a guide. I would like to beat Legacy of the Wizard and it's only one of like twenty NES games I really care to beat. I really should make that list and start trying to actually beat them. I wonder how the other DRAGON SLAYER games were. I am sure portnoyd will go AHEM IT WAS LIKE THIS AND THAT ADN THIS ADN THAT AND BLBAH BOLAAH LBAH and I'll just go SNORE.

 I give a lot of earlier NES games some leeway. Like they were figuring out how to make games back in 1986 so a little jank is gonna happen. This game has way way way too much jank. I cannot do that for this game. Even for its time this game is a piece of fucking shit. The weird jumping the 823402 enemies who seem to know exactly where you will land... the ugly and cheap looking graphics, the shitty music it all just comes together so easily as a painful miserable excuse for a Video game. This is probably the worst game of the six games I'm gonna talk about today. I also can't really get that mad at this game becuase theirs barely anything to it. I think you play the same stages over enough until I guess an ending comes up or something. I don't know or care. I just know that this game is very simple but is missing the fun of simple fun. I'm sure portnoyd will try to be like OH NO THIS GAME IS A MASTERWORK OF GREATNESS AND I LOVEEEEE IT

 

 This is where I realized I screwed up. I thought I was using a Mike Etler NES rarity list. That's what I wanted to use. I know it sounds silly but coming upon that list and going HOLY SHIT THEY MADE THIS MANY GAMES made me want to sit down and play them all at least. Then I wanted to collect them all. Then I sold them all. Well not all of them but way too many. That list was something special and I think I'm going to go over to it even though there are very few changes between these two lists. Just some games are considered more rare now I dunno. Nothing against Mr. Antseezee, again I remember liking that guy. Anyway let's get on to reviewing one of the most important video games of all time. The Legend of Zelda which just recently had it's 40th anniversary. That makes me feel so old that my bones are going to explode into dust and my body will just fall to the ground without any bones inside them to keep it up. I don't know where I am going here. Still this game inspired about ninty eight trillion copy cats and they were mostly pretty great. This game also made a ton of sequels and were also mostly great! I say mostly because once they went to 3D I stopped caring. Something feels more magical and cooler in 2D with these games. 3D Zelda Games just lose something. I dunno. I can't put my finger on it but I just like how they had to make the puzzles in 2D games more. 3D ones I just get bored very quickly. Of course the only 3D Zelda game I ever played was OoT and the only other one I want to play is Windwaker. That one looks unique enough. I dunno. I'm sure portnoyd will either agree, semi agree or yell filth flarn filth over this. I don't know which is which. As for this original game, it's still a delight, the music is great, the graphics have oodles of charm, finding a new thing in a dungeon to then find another dungeon feels so good. The first four Zelda games are still the best and I don't care what anyone says. There. I said it. Poop on you. I also think it created a great design for said copy cats, which I don't really like calling those games because Crystalis and Startropics and the like still have their own flavor that Zelda doesn't. I dunno. This game is still great and I'm sure portnoyd will agree.

 This is a game that I have great fondness for. It was again one of the I would say first fifty games I owned. It might have been one of the first shooters I ever played. No joke. I do not remember ever renting many shooters before I returned to NES in 1998 at the age of 13. This game opened up a new and incredible genre of games for me. I still love it. It's fast enough to be a good shooter and changes up enough to be memorable and not get old. It's challenge level is pretty decent. It's a good beginner shooter honestly. I had a great time playing it and honestly I still do. I played this before I played the original Zelda (yeah I should have mentioned that I never did own them as a kid first time around in the early 90s... so I'm shoehorning it in here). This game also caused a lot of trouble during the NES bounty. I forget the whole story but I think I probably should have been given a time out for the NES bounty. My crackhead levels were too high. It was the NES bounty was too much fun for a person who has no life like me. Anyway Legendary Wings is still a game that honestly doesn't get enough love and respect. Maybe because It's not worth 240324925090 dollars. People respect the money not the games!

 

Wow. It's time for another sports game review. You know the deal so I'm going to SHOCK and AMAZE you with this tidbit. Watching an entire sports game on TV would be the greatest way to torture me. It does not matter what sport it just would torture me. However I love a sports movie. Major League, Necessary Roughness, A League of Their Own, The Sandlot, Mighty Ducks, and Hoosiers. Along with a bunch of others I can't remember right now and am too lazy to look up. I don't get me either but I could easily watch any of those movies again right now but I would moan and complain during an entire football game. Also I was reminded of when I was a kid I would be the odd man out in well many situations but one that was funny to me was well there were these books involving sport stories that had these old timey sport covers and I'd honestly love to own one (I'd also love to own Goosebumps and all the goofy shit I actually read as a kid alongwith Hatchet, by Gary Paulsen. I think every  7th Grader had to read that book. Gary Paulsen demanded it). Every other boy in the school read them and I didn't. I remember Mr. Kelly getting really angry that I was reading Tintin and even when he said I couldn't read those getting angry that I was reading Roald Dahl books. I'M SORRY MR KELLY IM NOT THE MOUNTAIN OF MASCULINITY YOU WANTED ME TO BE. I could be misremembering but fuck mr kelly anyway. Shithead. I was going to talk about people taking sports too seriously but then I also realized there are Star Wars fans who take that too seriously. People take things way too seriously. Do you know there are people trying to gatekeep Star Wars. Like keep people they don't like out of the Star Wars fandom. That's amazing that people even try that. People are fucking god damn nutty over so many things and I will never understand it. It's all entertainment and one day it will all be gone when the sun engulfs the earth. Just fuckin chill out man. Anyway Legends of the Diamond is a baseball game and I don't give a shit about it.

 

 

Heres a game that I already know portnoyd hates because he mentioned it in the last review. I am lukewarm on Lemmings and I will put it in the OKAY pile. Sorry portnoyd. You can yell about it in the comments. You play as lemmings and you have to get a certain amount to the end of stages. You can turn them into diggers or climbers or whatever. My biggest problems are the lemmings are pretty small so it's hard to turn them into what you want to turn them into without turning like two or three lemmings into something. They are always popping out of the machine. They also just give you just enough time to beat a level. Sometimes you have to keep an eye on lemmings to change them into umbrella guys and that can be really annoying. I honestly think I like the concept of this game more than that actual game. You know what Lemmings does kinda fucking suck now that I'm thinking about it. They needed for you to be able to close the door on the Lemmings and also make them bigger so you could change them into what you want them to be easier. Also just make it so you can easily change them into something as many times as you want and not have a number on them. Also don't make the game ass blastingly hard by level 7 either. You know what portnoyds right. I'm putting this shit in the bad catogory. I'm just overtaken by the fact I really like the Lemmings design. I don't know if any other version of Lemmings is better but this is clearly the worst game Sunsoft had anything to do with. Well maybe second worst.

GOOD GAMES: 162

BAD GAMES:  130

OKAY GAMES: 55

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 6

GAMES OVERALL: 352