ClawX Vs. Live Action Disney Remakes (Part 1)

 

So back in like 2021???  I said I would review every Disney movie ever. I even threw in Touchstone Pictures and Hollywood Pictures because why not I like making things more difficult for myself. You can even see a link on the side of the page. It should give links to COMIC REVIEWS, FINAL EPISODES and THE DISNEY WATCH A LONG. I did not do much before I gave up. I reviewed five movies I think. Two of them were even before I reviewed anything related to this stuff. The biggest problem wasn't even the amount of movies. I felt like most of them would be fun enough to talk about. The biggest problems were The Disney Sequels and the Live Action Disney Remakes. So I stopped doing it and then forgot about it. Then I realized it again and wen I guess it's time to bring this back. So I'm doing a set of reviews. I guess four in each go for the Live Action Disney Remakes. I just get the feeling I will not have much to say about any of them, but I promised so here I go.

 Let's start off with this one. It is a dog movie. I love dog movies. Hell, I love animal movies. You put lovable little creatures in a movie and I'll watch it. It doesn't matter what it is. So I kinda like this one. No it's not great but Lady and the Tramp, the original 1950s one was not a favorite really. I much preferred 101 Dalmatians but in the case for those two movies were are going off of 30 year memories mostly. So who knows when we get to the whole CLAWX VS THE MAINLINE DISNEY FILMS in like 2053 but this movie is nice and simple and honestly it's kinda bit too simple. Plus they got rid of the I AM SIAMESE IF YOU DON'T PLEASE which is a great song. I don't care! SIAM DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE PEOPLE! Yeah, it sticks to the usual plot of TWO DOGS falling in love and one dog has to be kept away from the other. The best thing I can say about this movie is that it saved the life of a shelter dog who became the tramp. That's really nice and I like that a lot. The movie is somewhat recommended if you enjoy animal movies. I dunno how well it would go over if you did not enjoy animal movies.

 So far, of the uh. four Disney Live Action Remakes I have seen this one is the fucking shittiest by far. First off Pinocchio feels like he's not a part of the story but watching it go on. It's hard to explain kinda but he just feels like he's along for the ride. Secondly Tom Hanks gives his worst performance ever. I hate the fact that I have to trash Tom Hanks in any way. The man is very talented and I hear is very nice too. I never thought I'd see a movie where he was like NAH I'M NOT GONNA TRY but bam we get Pinocchio and wow he is not giving a single iota of a shit. It's weirdly kind of respectable how little of a shit he is giving. This movie is just a retelling of the original animated film without any charm or any attempts to make anything different. Oh and they seemingly forgot to have PINOCCHIO TURN INTO A REAL BOY. You know the ending of the film. That's what I remember, maybe they played some TRICK OF THE EYE CAMERA TRICK or something but I don't care. This is a depressing watch and I don't want to talk about it any more. Oh and fuck the INTERNET WEIRDOS who make 10,000 videos about how the fairy godmother was like some black drag queen. That did not make the movie shit, every other thing made the movie shit and yes port I will make a blog post about these turds because I have to get my thoughts on them out of my head before I go back to yell and scream at them and I don't want to return to social media because it's worse than this movie. Uh, I'll go to the next movie now.

 

I do not remember when I watched this, or why. Probably got curious or needed to kill time so I watched this boring film. I remember the original movie pretty well for someone who has not seen it in more than three decades. It must have been one of the Disney movies I watched a lot. Like Bambi. I loved Bambi so much that when my dad said we were going to eat rabbit my sister and I FREAKED OUT because of Thumper and my Dad did not get to eat any more rabbit for like three decades. I tasted some and I would have not wanted to eat any more of it because it was not very good.  Acquired taste I guess. You know I just brought up that whole point because I have nothing else to say about this movie, except that it takes WHIMSY out of a FAIRY TALE STORY and you are left with BORING HORSE SHIT. No fun side characters. I don't even remember if it had songs. I think some of these have songs and some don't but I don't care to revisit this movie. I said I would do this but I did not say I would do it well. You know I don't do things well so shut up. I get the feeling I will feel the way about most of these movies but I said I'd do it and I will do it. Jerk. In my beautiful half assed way. At least I use half my ass which is more than this fucking movie did!

 So, I just finished watching this movie like twenty or so mintues ago and I loved it. It was goofy, campy, silly, over the top, two very talented actresses trying to OUT BITCH one another. great side characters, THE GAYEST MAN TO EVER STAR IN A DISNEY MOVIE and all kinds of twists and turns. This movie has Dalmatians kill Cruella's mother. Yes. I knew from that second that I would love this wild mess. It has a heist in it and everything! They even give her some dogs and she keeps EMMA THOMPSON's dogs. I don't think this Cruella would be like a wild dog murderer but who knows. A sequel was set up and the internet says it will happen but I hope they keep this low key insane mess a one off affair. This movies plot is kinda all over the place but man I had way too much fun with this movie. It's just completely delightful.  So the plot of this one was Cruella originally named Estella was a girl who was in a school but gets kicked out so they go to the BARONESS EMMA THOMPSON (I don't remember the characters name) who has her DALMATIANS kill Cruella's mother. She also loses her necklace. She meets Jasper and Horace from the 101 Dalmatians movie. She was also friends with Anita Darling (who is OH NO BLACK IN THIS VERSION HELP!!!!!)  So they steal things until they become adults and get Estella/Cruella a job. This job has her meet BARONESS EMMA THOMPSON and she sees the necklace on her neck and they have to HEIST UP A JOB. She turns into CRUELLA and becomes THE BIGGEST SHITTIEST BITCH EVER in the most wonderfully over the top way. I am going to leave it here because I kinda want you to watch it. Even though I know the only people who read this blog never will, but man I had a lot of fun.

 

So far the movie that actually changed things up quite a bit honestly is the one that was the most fun. The other one was just fun because I love animal movies way too much and the other two took whimsical shit out of a fucking fairy tale and therefore made the stories boring as shit. I will be back soon enough with another four movies and may God have mercy on my soul. 

Comic Review #110: Web of Spider-Man #97-100 (1993)

 

I think you guys are going to get to see more posts in the next little while. I am finally staying away from most social media for the most part. No twitter. I blocked every stupid political thing I would watch on YouTube like a giant dumb doofus. I will probably do a post talking about this stuff I was way into for way too long. It's finally time to do anything else. Literally anything else. So I figured that I might as well finish up and talk about the sequel to the last Comic book I talked about. I mean it's better to do it now then forget about it and do it in three years, I mean if I'm even doing this blog in three years. I dunno. This is a huge ramble. I'm going to probably be posting more on this blog. You'll get sick of this shit soon enough. Anyway let's go with this story.

I remember picking up the first part of this story when I was on my usual summer vacation to Lewisporte. The town my aunt, uncle and cousins lived in. It was something we did EVERY year from I guess the early 1990s to the early 2000s. I think 2000 or 2001 were the last year we went. I miss that place and wonder how it has changed in the last twenty five years. Anyway there was a bigger than normal Shoppers Drug Mart in this store and in the basement they had a video store, a book store and a bunch of comics for sale. It was really weird as it seemed that the video store and book store were closed but still had TONS OF SHIT FOR SALE. It was a shame. I remember trying ot return to this place and it was gone. even the stairs going down (in the middle of the store) to the place. Did I get this comic from a weird mystical area? I think that might be the case.  

I think I picked up the last three issues of this story but never did read them. I read this one and was not very enthused by it.  I would find out that one of the characters in this story would turn out to be the Hero NIGHTWATCH. Which is just Spawn. Yes, I know comic companies rip each other off like there is no tomorrow but AT LEAST those characters have differences that you could literally get into say Moon Knight and Batman. Nightwatch is so like Spawn that Todd MacFarlande should have sued. Like The character is literally 97% Spawn. He showed up a little bit and then went away forever. This story has back ups about the character of Nightwatch in them but I don't give enough of a fucking shit to talk about them. I have the feeling this piece will be long enough without them.

This story was written by Terry Kavanagh. Terry started working for Marvel in 1987 and according to the Internet has written some of the worst stories in Marvel history. I mean yeah The F.A.C.A.D.E. story would get on my personal list of Worst Spider-Man stories  So yeah, this does not bode well for this story. Alex Saviuk was the artist of this comic and he did some pretty good work but sometimes some of his work feels rushed and could have been better. I dunno. Still I do like his work and I'm glad he stayed on Web on Spider-Man for like 90 issues or so. It's always nice to have the same artist on a comic. So let's finally get into this story. Let's see if it's as bad as the people say.

This issue starts with BLOOD ROSE from the last story shooting up some punks. This is going to be really out of character when we find out who the BLOOD ROSE is. After he shoots these guys from RICHARD FISK'S GANG, we go to a scene of Peter Parker bringing Betty Brant to dinner with his wife, his aunt and his parents?!!? Yes. This was from the era of Peter Parker's parents. I really do believe they could have gotten a really good story out of this but how it ends is kinda goofy. They clearly had no idea what they were doing when they brought these two characters back. That's for another review we will do sometime in the future. 

BLOOD ROSE is talking to someone with his mask off. He has blonde hair and is talking about hitting another FISK related thing tonight. He is talking to The Foreigner. He is a hitman. He was created by Peter David if I recall correctly and I really enjoyed him in those Peter David stories. We then turn to Richard Fisk from the last story. He was found by a boat of men but that boat has sunk. DR. KEVIN TRENCH aka SPAWNWATCH shows up and threatens him I guess. Peter Parker and Robbie Robertson are arguing over something and then they see THE FISK BUILDING HAS BEEN ATTACKED. So they both literally rush over there. Peter being Spider-Man gets their first and then fights BLOOD ROSE. The building starts getting increasingly worse shape because BOMBS ARE GOING OFF ALL OVER THE PLACE. That doesn't stop NEWSMAN ROBBIE ROBERTSON as he just grabs someones camera AND RUSHES IN. Spider-Man meets him and then Blood Rose shows off his friends. Some goobers in CYBERNETIC SUITS. My favourite thing from 1990s comics. Just so wonderfully cornball. I just can't help myself.

So we are now in Part two which actually opens up with a pretty good fight scene. I enjoyed this part of the story.  Anyway after the fight we go to The Foreigner who tells his CYBERNETIC SUIT MEN to kill Blood Rose now that the building is destroyed. He is then contacted by THE NEW ENFORCERS who will take over for THE KINGPIN. Who are the NEW ENFORCERS. Well I'll let you know as soon as I know! We go back to the ISLAND with Trench chasing after RICHARD FISK. Who almost dies. He doesn't and then he and Trench talk. This is Trench was just helping him lose weight?!@#!? He then dresses in COOL MILITARY GEAR and I guess Trench is helping him?? This is a weird scene that does not work at all. I dunno. He pisses of Trench because he picked up a briefcase?? I got to be honest I do not care about this stuff because I know this guy is literally the biggest ripoff of another character ever.

 Spider-Man is swinging around talking about the last issue and also the INFINITY CRUSADE. I really need to read that story and post about it. I said I would but it's like 925429 parts. I will get to it. I really do like Infinity Crusade and even Infinity War but I have not heard a lot of great things about Infinity Crusade. He has another argument with Robbie and then Mary Jane shows up and BETTY BRANT SECRETLY SNEAKS INTO ROBBIES OFFICE. Ooo MYSTIQUE AND INTRIGUE! Then we see one of CYBERNETIC SUIT MEN try to get into the Foreigner office. It turns out it was the BLOOD ROSE in disguise. He and the Foreigner are not friends. He wants to know who hired him to kill him

We are in part three now. Blood Rose tries to kill the Foreigner but it was a trap. Spider-Man shows up because he put a tracer on Blood Rose. You think like every villain in New York would realize they should check their clothing for SPIDER MAN'S TRACERS but they never do. He webs up Blood Rose and goes to check on the Foreigner, just to find a nearly dead man wearing a Foreigner mask. I wonder if the Foreigner's goons play like rock paper scissors to decide whos going to wear the mask and get shot to death so the Foreigner can pull off these wild charades. Blood Rose escapes the webbing and The Foreigner's goon gets killed. We get some scenes of Mary Jane and Robbie Robertson/Betty Brant showing up and showing off new sub plots. Spider-Man flies off to just get caught by the New Enforcers, which turn out to be THE EEL and some new character named BLITZ. The rest of the New Enforcers show up. Which are THE VANISHER (a guy who fought the X-Men in like issue 2 back in like my dad's childhood) THE SUPER ADAPTOID (looking a whole lot less cool than the original version) DRAGON MAN (a DRAGON MAN who fought the Fantastic Four and also like everyone else in the Marvel Universe), and DREADNOGHT who fought IRON MAN. Three of these guys are just random ANDROIDS. 

RICHARD FISK who is now calling himself GAUNTLET has stolen SPAWNWATCH/Trench's POWER GLOVE. He escapes the island.  Blood Rose takes off his mask and yells I WILL TAKE BACK THE NAME OF RICHARD FISK and I'm like what? No. That makes some of the best parts of the last story. You know the bits with Kingpin being a giant douche bag to THAT Richard Fisk. Yeah I'll tell you what happens next, it turns out that the Richard Fisk was actually his friend Alfredo. Yeah. This is a twist someone made on the day before the script to this issue was due. It is stupid and thrown together at the last minute. Those scenes from the first part only work if Richard Fisk is actually Richard Fisk and not someone who was pretending to be Richard Fisk or thought he was Richard Fisk. This story is really dumb. It gets dumber.

 The Vanisher, Blitz and The Eel well vanish away. Spider-Man now has to fight the androids. He gets two of the androids down by having them run into each other. Lol. He now has to fight off Dragon Man. Gauntlet shows up. SPAWNWATCH shows up. I'm clearly kinda bored of this story now. It is not very good. All of the bad guys and COOL TOTALLY ORIGINAL AND NEW ANTI-HERO SPAWNWATCH show up and then SPIDER-MAN COMES IN WITH HIS SPIDER-ARMOR. I don't like when they do this because the best part of these stories where Spider-Man is put up against characters stronger than him is seeing him use his brain to beat them. Not just jump into the armor. This armor literally gets destroyed in this issue and I do not think it shows up ever again. Anyway Spider-Man fights a few new bad guys that I'm pretty sure never show up again and that's saying something because like JUST ABOUT EVERY character no matter how obscure has someone who loves them. Blood Rose lets us know that ALFREDO went CRAZY and thought he was Richard Fisk. 

Spider-Man beats them all and you can tell I stopped caring. Yeah there was one cool fight but this story sucked. Richard Fisk being the Blood Rose makes no sense. Richard Fisk was most of the time a guy who hid in the shadows and had THUGS and GOONS to go after who he wanted to be taken out of the way. He wasn't COOL POUCHES MAN #1050. Not to mention that I don't think the Kingpin would have been fooled by ALFREDO. SPAWNWATCH is lame. I mean yeah I love random obscure bad guys like PLANT MAN and THE VANISHER and THE EEL and DRAGON MAN and SUPER ADAPTOID and DREADNOUGHT but it's not a lot of fun when there's like 25402 of them all at once. The New guys are no good. The best part of this story is that like the F.A.C.A.D.E. storyline the ending to this story is also never mentioned again. It ends with the NEW ENFORCERS who work BEHIND THE SCENES. aka The Fixer, Mr. Fear, The Controller and Mentallo were trying to take over the underworld but nope, they don't. 

FINAL THOUGHTS: I am going to end up reading more Terry Kavanagh stories aren't I? 

TV Shows That Piss Me Off Part 1 (of who the hell knows how many)

 

Ah, Television. A favorite uh I guess pass time of many people. Myself included. I mean okay yeah I don't really watch any movie or tv show on the TV any more, but I just might start doing it now that I do have a TV that can show a computer screen. I don't know why I am blathering this all to you. I am going to be posting about things I hate because while I like to be positive about this whole thing I still have things that drive me up the wall and now I will give Bratwurst three more things to annoy me with. It will be a hoot and a holler and we will all go to bed happy. Except me. Because of Bratwurst. Anyway I hope you enjoy desending into TV's butthole with me. I will have a good time tearing this shit down.

 Yes. I watched this show more than I really should have. I would watch it on CBS because It was in between Cosby and the King of Queens. Yes, I watched Cosby. Yes, I know he's a bad person but I was 11 fucking years old at the time and just found him and Doug E Doug (remember him. I miss him) were funny together. I'm sure if I get the ability to go back in time I will make sure to beat myself for watching something made by a bad person. Enough sarcasm over that whole thing. I remember watching a way too political YouTube video by someone. I don't even remember if this person was liberal or conservative, I just know that they had RAYS WIFE on. I forget the actresses name and no I don't give enough of a shit to go back and check. She was complaining about the writers of the show being POLITICALLY CORRECT. No I'm not going to get into a argument about that because AT THE RIPE OLD AGE OF 40 I've found out that a lot of political things have nuance to them. It's almost never a cut and dry kinda thing. Anyway this surprised me so much because I did not realize this show had writers. I thought someone wrote one script AND THEY FUCKING XEROXED IT 200 FUCKING TIMES. This was THE most formulaic thing ever. Every sitcom and cartoon and whatever from the past at least decided to mix the formula up. EVEN POLICE ACADEMY AND FRIDAY THE 13TH SEQUELS mixed the formula up at one point. Not Raymond. Every single fucking episode was about RAY DOING SOMETHING STUPID and HIS SHITTY WIFE YELLING AT HIM. I could maybe let that slide if the characters were at any time FUNNY. You can have dickhead characters JUST MAKE THEM FUNNY. Everyone in this show, even the ones played by talented people (like his brother, his dad and his mom) were just obnoxious. I remember being excited for one episode because it would mention Pokemon and I was big into Pokemon at 15. You know what. THEY DIDN'T SHOW ANY POKEMON OR ANY POKEMON CARDS and just talked about them. HOLY SHIT DID THAT EVER PISS ME OFF MORE THAN IT SHOULD. Anyway, I even talked about the Final Episode of this show and it was terrible. I hate this garbage.

 You know the saddest thing about this show is that if they got rid of Ross I might have watched it. The rest of the cast were pretty good and did pretty good things in other movies and tv shows. I had no problem with any of them and still watch new things they appear in. Jennifer Anniston is like 60 and still somehow sexy as hell. And yes I will bring up the fact that she was in QUANTUM LEAP and LEPRECHAUN. The very first one. I really should do an article on the LEPRECHAUN films. Or even at least review one of them. I just fucking hate the character of Ross from this show. He is a whiny baby that makes everyone on Everybody Loves Raymond look like I dunno some fun characters. I guess I will pick the Ninja Turtles. Yes, Ross makes everyone on Everybody Loves Raymond look like the Ninja Turtles. The Idea of Brad Garret dressed up as a Ninja Turtle is very funny to me. Ross and Rachel kinda ruined the character of Rachel too because ANY HUMAN BEING SHOULD NOT WANT TO BE AROUND ROSS EVER FOR ANY AMOUNT OF TIME. I just remembered that Ross had a monkey and HIS SHITTY CHARACTER AND DAVID SCHWIMMER'S SHITTY ACTING RUINED COMEDY WITH A MONKEY. HOW THE HELL CAN ANYONE DO THAT? Fuck Ross and fuck this show. 

 I remember my parents first comments when they found out that I did not like this show. They were like OH ITS NOT AN OLD THING SO MICHAEL DOESN'T LIKE IT. HE'LL LIKE IT IN TWENTY YEARS. Well guess what MOTHER AND FATHER it's almost twenty years since this hunk of shit came on the air and I still fucking hate it. I really really really fucking hate this show. Oh god do I ever hate this fucking show. First off, I feel the character of Sheldon is a mean spirited look at Autistic people. I hate him so much. I also kinda hate the term nerd blackface so I won't use it. I also remember seeing an episode where one character jokes about how he wished Alf would have brought him to Melmac and I'M LIKE MELMAC BLEW THE FUCK UP YOU SHITHEAD. The whole reason I hate this joke and this show is that it feels like it's making fun of all the goofy shit that I love instead of making jokes about it. I can make jokes about Alf and Spider-Man and all kinds of goofy shit but they aren't mean spirited or uh INCORRECT. That also makes me believe that these characters are not nerdy at all. A nerd would know EVERYTHING about a thing. It doesn't matter if it was Alf or Spider-Man or Star Trek or Science or whatever the fuck. Nerds literally try to learn everything about something they like or love. That one joke made the entire show ring hollow to me. They also have LOL NERDS CAN'T GET DATES HAOHHOAHOAHOAHAOHAHOAH the 1950s called and they want their joke back you shitheads. I really really hate this show and it annoys me greatly. This show has over 200 episodes and I can think of like many shows that deserved that, or hell even at least just one more season. I think I picked the 2000 end off date for the Final Episode JUST so I would NEVER have to talk about this shows Final Episode and I'm glad I did do that because I'm sure THE HOOLIGANS I TALK TO WOULD TRY TO MAKE ME WATCH THIS. This show is the equivilant of NES game collectors wanting ORIGINAL FOAM in their COMPLETE IN BOX games. Which means it's incredibly fucking stupid and worthless.

 

I will come back to this topic from time to time so I can SHIT ON SOME GARBAGE. We will all have a great time. 

Comic Review #109: Web of Spider Man #84-89 (1991 - 1992)

 

Originally I was going to talk about a What If issue. This was like right after the Lobo Vs Batman Elseworlds. I like to keep things connected. Like if I review say The Flintstones, I'll have to end up talking about The Jetsons too. However I feel enough time has passed and I'm just not in the mood to talk about that What If right now. I didn't know what I wanted to talk about within comics so I went back to my safe space. Which is Spider-Man. We are going to talk about a story that I loved as a child when I bought it from the SECOND PAGE BOOKSTORE and have seen that it is not a very popular story among other Spider-Man fans. Who will win Lil' Claw or like it seems every other Spider-Man fan. LET''S FIND OUT TOGETHER! It will be BARRELS of fun!

 This is a six part story. Kind of a thing they did in the summer and winter months back in the day. I mean now it's like every story is at least a six part story so they can put it in a trade. I remember being WILD for these stories and hunting down every part of them like it necessary to live. They mostly showed up in Spider-Man comics and oddly enough Captain America comics. Like several for both of those characters. Then it started to seem that every story became a six part story and continued into another six part story and you got giant epics like Onslaught or the Clone Saga. I have still only read like half of either of them. It's something I should do this year but EHHHHH TOO LAZY. Anyway since this is a six part story we will try to put a encapsulation of what happens in each part within say two of my massive paragraphs that go no where. It'll be fun.

 This storys opening is pretty much STUCK in my minds eye. Like the cover to Pac-Man for the NES. Insteado Screaming Weird Pac-Man you get Kingpin almost naked. I have some really awful things stuck in my minds eye. At least it's better than what's stuck in my dad's minds eye. Ho boy. I'll tell you on discord port and anyone else from the discord reading this. Anyway Kingpin is training his BIG FAT BODY which is ACTUALLY REALLY MUSCLE and he is fighting Ninjas or something. His son Richard Fisk (who as the Rose and the Schemer tried to take down Kingpin because he hates him and he feels that he used him and his mother as pawns. He now has to work for the Kingpin)  I love this scene and Kingpin goes IVE BEEN ATTACKED FROM THE BEST, COSTUMED VIGILANTES AND FROM THOSE CLOSE TO ME. You get a close up of Richard and his eyes are darkened out and you can tell that line makes him want to jab a knife into The Kingpin's eye. Lololol he also says he needs to put some meat on his bones because HE LOOKS LIKE A GIRL. Old Twitter would cancel the Kingpin and New Twitter would love him. It's wild how things work sometimes.

 We turn to Spider-Man kicking the shit out of some dude named Jesse, who had grabbed a little girl and was threatening to cut her because her friends called him stupid. Spidey makes quick work of the loser and goes to see Mary Jane Watson-Parker. HIS WIFE WHO WILL ALWAYS BE HIS WIFE I DON'T GIVE A SHIT MARVEL. STOP BEING DOUCHE BAGS AND LET THEM BE TOGETHER. We then turn around to NICK KATZENBERG. I loved this guy. He was a fat sleazy asshole that was another photographer for the Daily Bugle. He would literally just do anything to get a photo and would be a great thorn in Peter Parker's side. You LOVED to hate this dude and I still miss him. I miss when comics would have stories involving the civilian life of the hero. Do you know that they made MARY JANE VENOM. I try to stick up for NEW MARVEL because I do believe they do good stuff still but Jesus that's a dumb idea. What next, J.Jonah Jameson becomes Carnage? I guess we are going to have three paragraphs on just issue one. Wow this could be the longest comic review ever!

Nick is shown the Daily Bugle by his scooper. He gets angry because of something we don't see yet and BAM   He's yelling about how he's going to kill somebody! Meanwhile Richard Fisk is talking to someone about today's news and how it needs to be fixed. Someone is in deep fuckin trouble! Also it seems Richard is back trying to screw over his dad. Don't call your son girly and he wont stab you in the back! Meanwhile AGAIN we go to Peter Parker hanging out with Aunt May and WILLIE LUMPKIN. The goofy looking mailman to the Fantastic Four. He's 102 years old and has weird ears and I love him. I kinda forgot that he and Aunt May had a thing for a very short time. Peter tries to read the bugle and Aunt May says he has to come in and carve the Turkey or something. THEN we move on to the Hobgoblin who is freaking out because he's like the Hobgoblin and also a demon combined together. So it's not a good time to be the Hobgoblin right now. We then change place to see a bunch of goons tear up an apartment. One of the goons talks on a unsecured line and well gets shot in the face for it. We then go back to Peter Parker who is talking about how happy he is to get to hang out with WILLIE LUMPKIN and MARY JANE WATSON-PARKER and AUNT MAY and all that. He is outside when his SPIDER SENSE starts and he sees some jerks with guns. It's time for Spider-Man to beat some ass. He finds out that they were looking for Peter Parker because of the photo in the paper that was taken. It's all about a BIG BLOWUP IN THE MOB. Kinda contrived because I don't know if a newspaper would credit a photographer for a piece like that but I'm still with this story so far.

I think this is going to be a long one portnoyd AND THE GANG. So buckle in as we discuss Part two. We start with The Kingpin and his son fighting. The Kingpin is being a huge asshole in this one. It's funny. I like asshole comments Kingpin. Anyway he says that the Rose is back and he knows it can't be Richard so he tells Richard to kill this imposter. Richard says yes sir and he looks PISSED. We find out that the apartment that was trashed last night was well Peter and MJ's. Kinda not hard to figure out but yeah. They freak out and then find the dead body and the Spider-Man costume just out in the open. Peter must have a lot of Spider-Man costumes because he is wearing one at the moment. The Police come and you find out about SGT. BLUME. I think they were setting him up to be a character that comes in later but THAT'S NOT RIGHT NOW. He tells them they have to come to the station to answer some more questions but then Nick Katzenberg shows up and is a huge asshole like always. Peter wants to SLAP SOME SENSE into his head but the cops won't let him. 

Woah, we see a meeting of THE ROSE and RICHARD FISK! What!? They talk about what's going on and how if the rest of the photos PETER PARKER supposedly took show up then they will be killed by the Kingpin. Richard Fisk sends the Hobgoblin a rose and well he realizes someones gonna help him escape. Peter and MJ take a walk and then are ATTACKED by crazy guys with fuckin swords! They are the Triad Brothers! They have a pretty cool fight sequence where they show the SWORDS have electricity. I mean Spider-Man kicks their asses and I'm pretty sure they never show up again. I will petition Marvel to bring back the Triad Brothers. Mary Jane PUNCHES NICK KATZENBERG in the face. Wild. He has another fight with the Triad Brothers after looking around for stuff. Spider Man gets too angry and CUTS one of the Triad Brothers and then runs off. They then talk to DEATHWATCH. You hear a lot of people talking about how Comic books are too hard to get into and I'm here realizing that I read this story who knows how many times as a kid and I still have no fucking clue who Deathwatch is. Just that he's some 1990s goober who probably sucks.

Part three opens up with  Kingpin and Richard Fisk trying to talk to some people. I should have mentioned that this story takes place around the same time as Daredevil #300. Daredevil #300 was a story where uh the Kingpin gets taken down. I did not read that story as a kid. I probably just went BLAH at Daredevil because he wasn't Spider-Man or the X-Men. I now realize that Daredevil is fucking awesome. Still this details with that story. Kingpin will be gone from the rest of this story making it pretty easy for the Rose. The Kingpin kills a dude and stomps off like a little baby yelling about how Richard will never be a replacement for the Kingpin. Some people try to break the Hobgoblin out of prison while Richard Fisk just remembers about his life. He remembers a man named Alfredo and Ned Leeds, Ned Leeds was the original Hobgoblin until they decided that he wasn't. I could go into detail but I already feel like I am writing War and Peace II in this blog post.

 The Hobgoblin shows up while Richard Fisk and the Rose are talking and kills some guys. Richard Fisk PULLS OFF HIS SHIRT AND YELLS I HAVE BEEN TOUCHED BY THE SAME MAN AS YOU WERE HOBGOBLIN. I AM HIS SERVANT TOO. This causes the Hobgoblin to listen to him and get him to kill Peter Parker and Spider Man. I'm also just realizing that the hoodlums from Part one saw Spider-Man's outfit in Peter Parkers apartment and did they not tell the Rose!?? The Rose and Richard Fisk should like at least realize there's more to that relationship than they think now. He does call Spider-Man Peter Parker's bodyguard but man this story is kinda going to crazy town. Not sure if its fun crazy town or not. Anyway the Hobgoblin flies off.

 Spider-Man finds out the Hobgoblin has escaped. After you know threatening to throw Nick Katzenberg out of a window on like the 38th floor if he doesn't let him know about the photos. Anyway we finally get to see THE FIRST APPEARANCE OF A NEW CHARACTER. That's right this is the issue where Demogoblin breaks free of Hobgoblin and becomes his own character. I loved him and this issue as a kid. It was wild. Spider Man has to fight two Hobgoblins. I'm surprised the scene with RICHARD FISK HAVING A WEIRD DEMON HAND STUCK ON HIS STOMACH never stuck within my minds eye. My minds eye is weird. Anyway the regular non-Demon Hobgoblin gets taken in and we find out that it was just latex he used for his WEIRD DEMON HAND. The Rose is pissed off at him and he's like IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT WHEN MY FATHER IS DEAD. Part three is done.

Part four starts out with Richard Fisk doing the fighting and kicking and punching. Like his dad. His dad has now LEFT THE BUILDING to say. I don't remember what happens in Daredevil #300 even though I know I've read it. I get the feeling I should re-read it for this blog because if its HALF AS WILD AS THIS STORY it would make for a good blog post. Anyway Richard proves he can KILL A MAN BY SMASHING HIS LARYNX or whoever you spell that stupid body part. After he kills said man we turn to page to see Spider-Man recapping the last four parts. So when you were like 8 years old and buying this as a back issue you would know what was going on. He finds THE DEMOGOBLIN. The Demogoblin tells him to fuck off he's after a bigger fish and flies off. Then we go to Peter Parker's Pad (try saying that three times fast) and seeing SGT. BLUME just break into the house and looks around and HE HAS A SINISTER GRIN. Oh man, what's this guy up to!!

 Richard is hanging out with a woman who apparently is his fiance and also looks WAY TOO MUCH LIKE HIS MOTHER. Like scarily so. He yells at her when she almost breaks the photos of his mother, Ned Leeds and ALFREDO. I wonder if this comic is where my love of using that name came from.. Some men come in and tell them that THE PACKAGE has arrived. Which turns out to be Jason Macendale. He killed Ned Leeds so Richard is going to kill him. However he beats the shit out of Richard AND the guys holding him back. WITH HANDCUFFS. He gets a gun and Richard gets a gun and well let's see who's gonna die! It's neither of them. He's just going to go fight Spider-Man while trying to get Peter Parker. I do like the fact that Richard puts the photo of Ned Leeds face down when agreeing to this.

 Spider Man is trying to find information on the Rose, when he runs into Twitch. Not the streaming platform but a hobo. He tells him the Rose can be found at some pier and then we see that it's Nick Katzenberg paying Twitch to say that. WHAT'S THIS SHITTY BASTARD UP TOO?.  Richard and The Rose show up and talk to each other again. They are not happy with each other. The Rose wants them to stop because they have already gotten rid of the Kingpin. He left after pissing off Hydra and the Feds. Twitch is killed by a ROBOT ARM. Oh shit is it time for the 1990s and my favorite thing in CYBERNETIC SUIT FIGHT??? OH MAN I CAN'T WAIT.  They fight with Spider-Man on the pier. I guess Nick Katzenberg knew these guys would be there so he paid Twitch to tell Spider-Man?!? Weird. Anyway Spider-Man gets his ass kicked and Richard Fisk tries to kill the Rose with the help of The Hobgoblin. THE CYBERNETIC SUIT MEN beat up Spider-Man (I already forgot the name they gave themselves and I don't care to look it up) and they ask who is going to kill him now that he's unconscious because he had to save some kids. The Hobgoblin says he's up for the job.

 We start again in the Kingpin's office. I like that every issue starts here. It's neat. This time the office is WRECKED and The Hobgoblin is pleading with Richard to let him kill Spider-Man. Richard is like NOT YET. I love when bad guys get cocky like this. They are all like YEAH I FINALLY GOT SPIDER MAN. They just keep him around until he can bust out of the SUPER ELECTRICAL CYBERNETIC ROPE and KICK SOME ASS.  Richard is actually pissed that someone other than he took his father down. Then BLACK GUY IN CYBERNETIC GEAR says he hates to agree with the Hobgoblin but something must be done about Spider-Man.  Before anyone can do anything a giant Helicopter shows up and starts GUNNING EVERYONE DOWN. He gets hit in the head but doesn't die. Just a flesh wound I guess. This gives Spider-Man enough time to get his strength together and escape. 

 Hobgoblin fights and recalls nostalgic days of being a mercenary willing to kill anyone. I am glad I am just nostalgic for things like The Smoggies. Spider-Man tries to escape just to knock himself out again. What? We then see Aunt May and MJ at a cabin in the woods talking about how they hope Peter is okay. Then we get NICK KATZENBERG. I like that this story has so much of him. He feels like he was in every issue of every book around this time but according to the internet he only appeared in 43 comic books. Wild how the memory works out isn't it? Anyway Robbie Robertson found out that Nick Katzenberg took the photos and then that's when SGT BLUME comes in. Nick runs off and BLUME gets a message from his BEEPER. Remember beepers? That was a good time for America. So Richard Fisk is having his wound cleaned by his mother-fiancee. Seriously she's even got that streak of gray in her her like the Kingpin's wife always had. They are moving and well Richard might have to shave his head because the wound wont let the hair grow back. What a way to get him to look like the Kingpin! Except way skinner.

 Anyway Spider-Man wakes up and he's in the company of the Rose. The Rose lets him know that he and Richard know where MJ and Aunt May are. A man is coming ot kill them. Also some men are trying to kill Richard. I did not expect to have written THIS much about this story but man I gotta give Howard Mackie this be sure does pack this story to the brim with action. It turns out that with the Kingpin gone it's gonna start a gang war and no one wants Richard Fisk in charge because they think he's a sissy. Richard Fisk kills this guy because he tried to hurt him and his mother-fiancee. Spider-Man gets to the cabin in time to beat some ass on some CYBERNETIC SUIT MEN. Spider-Man comes back to see the Rose get shot to death and turns out he was SGT. BLUME (you see because BLUME and BLOOM kinda sound alike). He did it for his brother because Kingpin framed him or something. Another man just grabs the Rose mask and goes IM GOING TO AVENGE HIM. 

 This issue is at uh the Kingpin's kitchen table. I guess it couldn't be forced into the office to keep up the gimmick. Anyway they all say Richard Fisk won't take over the New York underworld so he has all of these gangsters killed by his CYBERNETIC SUIT MEN. Richard then gets into a limo and starts talking about what had happened over the last five parts. This was done so a new reader could get caught up to speed pretty much. Spider-Man then talks about the New Rose who just randomly appeared in the smoke while Sgt Blume was dying. How that Rose wants Richard Fisk dead and how Spider-Man doesn't. He wants him to pay for his crimes and to make sure he doesn't become the New Kingpin.  Also The Rose isn't going to be called The Rose anymore. No he is going to be called BLOOD ROSE. 

 Spider-Man and the Hobgoblin team up to go look for Richard Fisk. The Hobgoblin did not get his money and Spider-Man just wants to put them all in prison. BLOOD ROSE sends Richard Fisk a message and he goes to see him. A fight ensues and the dialogue makes it out to sound like the random guy was Alfredo. Richard Fisk's best friend. We don't find out because Spider-Man and the Hobgoblin show up and wreck shit. Also a scene where Nick Katzenberg is shitting his pants because the people who wanted to kill Peter are now after him. The rest of the issue is pretty much one big fight scene which ends with Richard Fisk being shot by the Blood Rose in the back as he was trying to get out a window. He breaks the window and falls into the water. He is not dead because this story has a sequel. I just might do it next. It's all up to portnoyd. Spider-Man finds BLOOD ROSE and THE HOBGOBLIN have escaped while he tried to save Richard Fisk. It's all done.

What a wild fucking ride. I mean it has plot contrivances all over the damn place. Like the photo, I'm pretty sure newspapers don't do that. I might be wrong. What about how Peter's Spider-Man costume was found and they all go OH THAT MEANS SPIDER MANS HIS BODYGUARD?!?!?? Or how Nick Katzenberg knew where the Rose would be so he could tell and pay Twitch so he could tell Spider-Man to go there and get his FACE BLOWN OFF? I'm not the pickiest about plot holes, really only when they POP OUT TO ME WHILE IM READING/WATCHING SOMETHING. A plot hole that obvious really needs to be brought into consideration. I have to honestly say that this doesn't feel like they plotted out the entire story but just wrote the next part after reading the previous. It's a wild kinda all over the place mess. However there are things I liked about it. I like getting to see Willie Lumpkin and Nick Katzenberg. I also like seeing Spider-Man and Mary Jane as a married couple no matter when. I just believe they work so well with one another. It's also very action packed which is why I read this story like 49205662 times as a kid. It's not as good as I thought it was when I was a kid but I don't think it deserves it's harsh reputation. I would certainly read this story over MARY JANE BECOMING VENOM. This felt like a story someone cared about and not something forced on the fans because they don't want to have MJ and Peter together. I really think they just should not use the MJ character. I do hear the sequel is like ten times worse than this and that makes me really kind of want to read it for the next blog post. IT'S ALL UP TO PORTNOYD THOUGH. YOU READY FOR THAT?

FINAL THOUGHTS: It does not hold up very well, but still has some strong points that I really like. I think the first issue sets stuff up pretty well. It just kinda goes to crazy town by like part three. I'll always be up to seeing Nick Katzenberg be a douche bag. Seriously sad that they killed him off and he's still not around annoying Peter like the colossal dickhead that he is. These issues also had the Marvel COOL-OMeter which ranked the things the people within the offices talked about from HOT being the most to COOL being the least. Do you remember the Cool-o-Meter Portnoyd? I should find as many of them as possible and do a post on just them. The Cool-o-Meters alone make this a better story than MARY JANE AS VENOM. No I will not give that up. Ever. LET THEM BE MARRIED FOR CHRIST SAKE.

 

NES Game Reviews #65: A lot of Magic in this one.

 

Of course I had to pick the Mafat Conspiracy AD here for the this set of games. Damien would have punched me in the kidneys and yelled at me for not picking The Mafat Conspiracy. The thing is I'm pretty sure he doesn't even like the game as much as the first or even at all. He just loves Golgo 13 so much that if you insult any of it your kidneys are gonna hurt. I'm not even sure where on the body the kidneys are but I don't like pain. I am a wimp. Anyway, we have an interesting set of games because at least three of them will cause me to go "Yeah, I can't really full review this I don't feel like I've given it enough time" so I guess a new category for games will pop up. Anyway let's see what's up with these six games and see if they are worth playing or not.

 

I think it's kinda weird that Golgo 13 still feels niche when it comes to anime. I know its not niche in Japan but it comes off as VERY niche to me in the west and it's like anime is popular as fuck all over the damn world but not enough people speak about Golgo 13 which is a shame because Golgo 13 is fucking cool as hell. Sure I only have like one movie to go over and these two games but I can still tell you Golgo 13 could fuck every female member of your family and you'd still give him a high five. Golgo 13 is the MAN WITH THE CUSTOM MADE M-16 and he like assassinates any asshole out there. BLAM RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES. I must admit that this is one of the games that I have not played enough to really give it a fair shake, but I really want too. I just wanted to beat the first game and I couldn't, not even with fifty two lives (such a weird lives system for that game). The graphics have been improved and the music is pretty good. The game feels more Ninja Gaiden-ish now though. The 3D mazes are still here and honestly kind of annoying. I don't remember if the first game did this but you have to go up and down stairs and you get lost so much easier. I do want to put effort into this game and I'm sure it's a good one I just haven't given it enough time to be like COOL SHIT AND BETTER THAN THE FIRST GAME. 

 

 This game is going under impatient because I have to learn the SPORT ADJACENT game of DARTS and I just don't care. At all. I like that you get to play as a monkey but I'm sorry I have better things to do with my time then try and figure out several different dart games. I have no idea of the rules of darts and I don't even want to try. I am a lazy bum I know but I just can't muscle up the care to give even an iota of a fuck. It just seems you have t ofigure out so many rules for just not much fun. I do like the fact that they made a darts game for the NES for the people who enjoy the SPORTS ADJACENT game of Darts. I just have no idea if this is a good version of darts and I just don't care. I do like that you get to play as a Monkey but I don't even know if the Monkey is a good choice. If the Monkey is a bad choice then this game is automatically bad to me because WHO THE FUCK DECIDES TO MAKE A MONKEY CHARACTER THE BAD CHOICE? AN ASS HOLE THAT'S WHO.

 Oh goodie. It's BASKETBALL TIME AGAIN. WOOO. BASKETBALL. I LOVE IT. YEAH. WOOO. I LOVE KAREEM ABDUL JABBAR. Actually I kinda do. He was really good in Airplane. And yes that movie was how I learned about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I do not care about sports. I don't know how to do any of them. I don't know the rules. AND I JUST DO NOT CARE. This could be a great basketball game but I just don't care enough to try. I barely try with the most amazing sports games and I will never try with Fast Break. I don't even know if I ever played it or not. I just do not care. I like that they give you FOUR PLAYER ACTION so PORTNOYD can make his family play it. It also has music from TIM or GEOFF Follin so oyu know it's good. I just don't know how many more times I can say "I DON'T GET HOW THIS SHIT WORKS AND I DONT CARE. FUCK OFF" I'm sure it's at least another 35-40 times. I just know that I'm tired boss, tired of all the fucking sport video games.

 This is a pretty good game from what little I've played of it. I have the same problem that I have with Little Ninja Brothers in that it feels like one of the most OBTUSE WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING games on the NES. It's a weird mix of game styles and I just have not played enough to really give it a satisfying review. I really need to buckle down now that I figure out what was wrong with my CRT TV (It was unplugged) and play some NES games. Just me and the game. Trying to figure it out. I have a list of at least three games here that I want to try and get into. Maybe I will do a post later on re-reviewing these games and telling you all about them then. I don't think it's fair to give this game a review.

 

This game is the third game that I feel I have not given enough time to but I will say that it has the STINK of EUROPE on it and that is usually not a great thing. I will have to come back to this game. I guess. You knew it had to happen. I cannot have played every NES game to death!

 Oh hey. It's Magmax. A game I can talk about and it's........incredibly simplistic. You play as magmax and you uh... shoot things. and shoot things. Shoot some more things. You see, this is one of those unending games you shooty shoot shootaroo things. Shoot em up. SHOOT. SHOOT IT. SHOOT THE THING MAGMAX. SHOOT. SHOOTY SHOOTER. Seriously This might be the shortest review I can ever make for this thing but there is so little to say about Magmax. It's very simplistic but to be fair there is some fun to be had making your ship really big and just shooting guys and getting points. It's a points game and for one of those games it's pretty good. 

GOOD GAMES: 174

BAD GAMES: 136

OKAY GAMES: 59

GAMES IMPATIENT: 7

HAVEN'T PLAYED THE GAME ENOUGH: 3

GAMES OVERALL:  379

NES Game Reviews #64: You know the drill. I review some games made for the Nintendo Entertainment System. We all laugh and have a good time.

 

Wow this is the most 90s thing ever. Like violently 90s. I kinda feel like someone smacked me around a bit. I don't know if I like it or not but it certainly is eye catching. I had originally picked Mafat Conspiracy until I realized that Mafat Conspiracy wasn't in this group of games. I guess you will have to wait to see what I have to say about Golgo's second adventure on the NES. So yeah. I think it's amazing that we made it to the Ms. That'st like half of the damn alphabet! Actually more than half! That's cool as shit, man. We still have an ass ton of games left. So don't expect for this to end any time soon. Hell the Ms are gonna take some time. So let's dig in and talk some NES games!!!

 The last (I think) of three Pool or BILLIARDS games on the NES. It's also the best. I think I felt that Championship Pool tried to hard with the controls or something. I don't know or care because I'm not going to look again. It was not a good game. Anyway this game is one that starts off simple but gets pretty weird quickly, however it has a weird addiction to it. I mean I can only get to level 3 or so but I want to get better at said game and get farther. I dunno. It's pool. It's at least sports adjacent. So thank me for not going into a large rant about sport games or sports adjacent games. It does what it sets out pretty well and I figure any POOL or BILLIARDS guy who also likes old retro games should buy a copy of this game. I'm sure it's one of the games that's still $5 or under and that's pretty wild for retro games in 2026.

 I love the NES library. It has the weirdest selection of games possible. You can play games based on books from the 19th Century (like Tom Sawyer or Dr. Jekyll). You can play games based on the bible. You can play games based on a ton of movies (some of them you'd go yeah I can see why they made a game out of this and some that completely baffle the shit out of you.). Games based on TV shows from the 1950s to today (today being the 1980s/1990s). Games based on PLACES WHERE YOU CAN GO TO EAT. LIKE THIS ONE. This advertisement game is to be fair probably the best game based on a mascot for a company ever. I mean it's not hard to beat stuff like Chester Cheetah. I mean Cool Spot is also up there and I like Yo! Noid. So It's not a big hill but MC Kids is the king of that hill (sorry Hank) It's a simple game that has a lot of hidden shit within it. I just only got to the secret world. I don't know if I beat it because it's pretty wild. You can easily just get enough tokens to get to Hamburgler and beat the game. Still it's fun enough to go in and look for every token, some of which are DICKHEADS to get. This is a fun little game with really good music and pretty good graphics for the time. The only problem I have with this game is that the controls can be a bit slippery. It's still worth a play and I am a big fan. This is a better Virgin game than the Aladdin game for the Sega Genesis. YEAH I SAID IT YOU WANNA FIGHT ME.

 This is a game I actually really enjoyed. I kinda wished the 8529042 RICE SIMS made by KOEI were more like this game. This strategy game is simple enough that you easily figure out how to play it. It's just a nice little simple strategy game that I enjoyed playing for the bounty (and I think I beat what CHEESELOG decided was a good end point because I don't believe this game actually has an ending. I think it just goes on and on. I also like that this is one of the 4 player games. They made like 5 of them to use with the NES FOUR SCORE. What a dumb name for the accessory.  I imagine portnoyd made his wife and children use the NES FOUR SCORE until they all complained about having to play M.U.L.E. I'll play M.U.L.E. with you portnoyd. We can sell space mules. They are like robotic and shit. I really don't know what else to say, you raise space robot mules and sell them for more money than you bought them or something. I don't know, I haven't played this game since I played it for the NES Bounty. I'm just saying I had fun with this game and would probably go back to said game. I'd just have to learn everything again.

 

I believe this is portnoyd's least favorite NES game. I cannot agree that it is the worst NES game even though everything about this game is so fucking funny. It's just so fucking terrible that sometimes I turn it on and just fucking piss my pants laughing at this game. It's just so inept in every way. It's really weird how much of a crapshoot it is. Sometimes in this game I can get to the end and I think even "beat" it. Sometimes I can't even beat one guy. Not that I play this game much. I think I've done it 4 times. I beat portnoyd threw out all of his M.U.S.C.L.E. figures after playing this game. There's really not much here to say except yes this game is putrid shit but it's putrid shit that I get a good laugh out of. It's definitely in the bottom 25 for the NES. The controls are awful and the graphics are amazingly terrible even for the time.  Bandai was such a weird company. Despite how bad this game is there's really not a lot to say about it except I'm sure that M.U.S.C.L.E. deserved better.

 Mach Rider is a pretty okay game. I kinda wish it had come out a bit later so more of the janky shit could be fixed out of it. This is one of the early games where you really just went for a score. Even if there was an ending it was one screen before it went back to the game so you could try for a higher score. The controls for this game is just a bit weird and it kinda makes it hard to really get far into it. It's one of those games that isn't bad it's just there's a better game that's similar to it. You have Roadblasters which is just a much better game than Mach Rider. I don't know what else there is to say about that. It's not awful, it's just why not play Roadblasters instead?

 Man, I kinda hate to shit on this game because I think Mindscape put more effort into it than they did with say Dirty Harry. They gave you a really big world to look around in. It's just that the car controls are so SHITTY that you won't find anything before you run out of gas. I also think there's another problem with this game is the one time you do get somewhere. I feel Max just moves too slow to avoid the enemies. There's also the fact that you don't have a lot of fuel to begin with. Yes, I know they lived in a post apocalyptic world but for the video game you cold have at least started uis off with a full tank. You don't need to copy the movie 100%, you just need to be a fun video game to play. This is better than say Dirty Harry or another Mindscape game that's coming up but it's still not very good. It's a shame too because Mad Max really deserved a cool game because those movies are awesome. JUST WALK AWAY.......from this video game. (Which I will probably come back to because I really want to get something out of this game but never do. I never learn my lesson) Mindscape was not a very good company as their best games I believe were made by other companies. As uh not great as this game is, it's probably the best game they actually made.

GOOD GAMES: 173

BAD GAMES: 135

OKAY GAMES: 59

GAMES IMPATIENT: 6 

  GAMES OVERALL: 373

The Final Episode #144: Denver the Last Dinosaur (1988 - 1990)

 

I think my favorite thing about this blog in general is putting a spotlight on the weird obscure things that got stuck in a crevice within your subconscious.  It's one of those things that pop up ever so often but not a total complete memory. It's one of those things that when you finally figure what it is you literally grab the person who told you and kiss them. Those kinda things. Or you just yell at the BLOG WRITER that THIS DOESN'T EXIST I DON'T REMEMBER THIS FUCK YOU CLAW.  All I can tell you about Denver the Last Dinosaur prior to like watching an episode was the theme song, which was good so I did now what it was but I knew nothing else. I watched an episode recently and it was a weird as hell. Denver and the Kids literally mess around trying to get a bag of chips. Like potato chips. I have a sinking suspicion that Denver the Last Dinosaur is not a very good television show.

So what was Denver the Last Dinosaur even about? It was about a bunch of COOL 1980S SURFER TYPES (literally voiced by people you would recognize easily like Kath Souie, Cam Clarke and Townsend Coleman) find a Dinosaur. THE LAST DINOSAUR. I forget how and I don't care enough to look it up. This Dinosaur I think is also a rock star or some rock agent wants to make him a rock star. I do remember that the rock agent guy kinda sounded like Rodney Dangerfield. At least to me.) Also some kind of scientist wants him too. I guess the rock music agent guy and the scientist team up from time to time to get Denver. I don't know. As I said one episode had the main group chasing a bag of potato chips or some shit while the random baby dinosaur (meaning Denver is NOT the Last Dinosaur, stop lying to me) go back in time. This whole show was all over the place and backwards. It's kind of amazing actually.

So who made this? Peter Keefe, who worked Widget the World Watcher, Mr Bogus and Twinkle The Dream Being oh and Voltron. Isn't that hilarious. Worked on a bunch of stuff no one remembers (Seriously this is the first time I've heard of Mr Bogus OR Twinkle the Dream Being and I know about too many obscure shows. Peter Keefe was born in 1952 and passed away in 2010. He still gets creator status on Denver the Last Dinosaur reboots. Yes somewhere in this world they rebooted Denver. I think it's France. Oh hey I was right. This is an American-France production. Wild. Some French Company and the People who made VOLTRON, World Events Productions helped make it. The show lasted for two years and fifty episodes.

So you remember how I said this show was all over the place. Let me tell you some of the plots for this show. One involved them NOT being able to find a place ti skateboard in Venice Beach. Another episode was about Them going to the Bayou and some alligator wanting to fuck Denver. I haven't seen a show this confused about what it wanted to be since Quack Pack. That's not a good thing. This show doesn't know if it wants to be a down to earth show like I dunno Hey Arnold! or a action adventure thing like G.I. Joe. Oh, you know what's another bad omen. The fact no one wants to take accountability for writing this Final Episode. Oh boy. I'm in for a doozy aren't I?

The Final Episode was called "There's No Business Like Snow Business" and since no one wrote it I cannot talk about them so let's just jump right into The Final Episode of Denver, the Last Dinosaur (which is not a true statement). We start the episode with Denver vacuuming kinda dressed up like a 1950s housewife. He scares the dog. I am already amazed that this just started and it's already weirding me the hell out. Why is he vacuuming? Why is he wearing an apron? WHAT THE HELL? Denver is sad because it's apparently Christmastime (despite this episode coming out in April) and his family is well dead as fuck. He has no one to spend Christmas with. Other than that other little Dinosaur that I am sure existed but I really do not want to go and find out. Hang out with Lil' Denver, ya jerk.

Meanwhile in an air hanger. We meet the ROCK AGENT who's name is MORTON FIZZBACK which is the worst name I've ever heard. It just shows to me that the people making this clearly didn't care. Even if they went on to work on Tiny Toon Adventures or DragonWorld. they clearly didn't care about Denver the Last Dinosaur. Not that I blame them. STOP VACUUMING YOU WEIRDO.  Morton Fizzback is hanging out with DR. FUNT I know a word that rhymes with Funt.... it's Hunt! What kind of word did you think I was gonna say?!? They work with a dumb guy named.......Muttley. I think Hanna Barbera should have sued. Also that's THE NAME YOU GIVE A FUCKING DOG YOU SHITS. Jesus.

They tell DUMB GUY that their idea is to sell Snow Shovels. I don't know why he's given up trying ot make money doing rock music but snow shovels in LOS ANGELES is a bad idea. DUMB GUY is confused while they laugh at him. They finally tell him that they created a machine to CHANGE THE WEATHER.  Also someone decided to make the Doctor sound like a weird homosexual. Morton Fizzback doesn't actually sound that much like Rodney Dangerfield now that I'm watching the show back. Oh well. He didn't even say NO RESPECT once!! So Dr. Funt created something that will turn every cloud into a snow cloud! Oh no!

Oh wow. The kids get Denver out of his depression by playing basketball and then we go to the bad guys and the doctor literally says the opposite than what he said before. He needs a certain cloud now. Oh, well they find it. So DENVER AND THE GANG's basketball game gets snowed out so they go inside and ANNOYING SURFER BITCH is just pissing and moaning about how this is the worst thing ever. Oh piss off you little shit. Just buy a damn snow shovel from MORTON FIZZBACK. God what a stupid, stupid name. DENVER AND THE GANG then go to make some..............HOT CHOCOLATE. What you thought that they would actually go after the antagonists of this cartoon? You silly fuck.

Denver literally sniffs the Hot Chocolate and gets high off it. Seriously it's like it almost makes him aroused. Denver is a fucking freaky dinosaur and should not be allowed around people. At all. Little creep. Anyway they turn on the news and hear the newscaster who tells them the snow is man made. Wow Professor Dipshit you couldn't even make it so your plan succeeded for like twenty fucking minutes! Oh and Cam Clarke voices two characters just BARELY changing his voice. It's kind of amazing actually. I don't blame him either. I wouldn't strain a fucking muscle for creepy ass Denver. 

They learn of the Fizzback's plan just by seeing a commercial. Imagine if this happened in a Batman story. Batman just watches TV until the Joker shows up. You'd like be tearing your ass hairs out of their regular place out of sheer frustration. They realize that it's up to them. Two Cam Clarkes, A Dinosaur,Two Mentally Challenged Sounding Children and a blonde guy. Personally I hope DUMB GUY wins in the end. They show up at FROSTY FIZZBACKS FUN TIME SHOVELS or whatever they named his store. PROFESSOR DIPSHIT tells MORTON FIZZBACK that the snow machine was supposed to turn off but it hasn't! OH NO.

Now Denver takes out some kind of ROCK from his ASSHOLE (seriously where else could he store this BIG ASS ROCK) and gets MORTON FIZZBACK to touch it. It shows them the ICE AGE. You know the one that DENVER lived through. FIZZBACK asks will that happen her in Los Angeles if we don't fix it. Denver says yes. Cool. We just wasted 2 minutes on this shit. Wow Denver shows THE GANG another BACK IN TIME thing this time him going through a tunnel in some California mountain that just happens to be around where they are. I'm amazed that that tunnel will still exist and his plan to VACUUM THE CLOUD UP. See it all comes together in the end especially when you force it to!

DENVER AND THE GANG tie a BI-PLANE to the back of the tunnel and VACUUM UP THE CLOUD. Yeah I don't even know what else to do. No, they didn't have any trouble with this WILD ASS PLAN it just worked. The Kids tell Denver that he is their family and he goes OH RIGHT. I wish it was OH ALRIGHT and he just puts up with these two. Seriously Cam Clarke usess his LEONARDO VOICE and then his MEXICAN LEONARDO VOICE. It's kind of wonderful actually. Oh and the bad guys just drive off in their plane. No attempting to get them arrested or anything for this money making scheme just let them fly off.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Uh. This show is weird but it's not weird fun. It's weird but also kinda boring. There's a reason you don't remember a single DENVER THE LAST DINOSAUR plot. That's because they were not very good/memorable. This show does have two good points though. The theme song is KILLER and the voice acting is pretty good. It's like TMNT reunion without BARRY GORDON or JAMES AVERY. Oh shit. Is Denver The Dinosaur racist against BLACK PEOPLE and JEWS?????? PORTNOYD WHAT DO YOU THINK????

The Final Episode #143: Radio Active (1998 - 2001)

 

I like to keep a balance of writing when I feel like it but also keeping this blog updated with content. So far in March I've only posted 6 times. However one of those times was a HUGE ASS POST that involved me re-watching or watching about twenty movies. So it took a while. I have several Final Episode posts ready to do, and a few Comic Reviews before we go back to NES games. I'm sure that portnoyd will have fun talking about this stuff. We are getting close to #150 Final Episodes done. It's a weird little segment here on this blog that I do enjoy. It's fun to go over how shows ended in the EPISODIC ERA of TV.  No matter what it's always kinda fun to see that, even if the episode is like City Guys level of not giving a shit anymore. If you told me 5 years ago that my blog would have 500+ posts with me still wanting to talk about things and actually putting some effort into it I would have called you a giant goober and went back to being angry about a You Tube video made by that moron the Critical Drinker (or Nerdrotic, or HeelVsBabyface.... I don't think you should watch these guys portnoyd. Not that you would). I am legit very happy about the content I put out even if It's still not perfect in any way but I don't let that bother me anymore really. I just realize that it sounds good in my head but when it gets onto the internet it becomes a jumbled mess of shit. That's just how it goes.

So what is Radio Active? Radio Active is a show that yes I have covered before but never in enough detail. Going through my older reviews gave me a lot of shows that I want to discuss again in a different manner or way or redo entirely. Alongside stuff I mentioned I would do but never did. I have a lot of stuff to do and I hope that I can get through at least half of them this year. I said I was going to make this year MY year and I really finally fucking mean that. So uh, I guess I will finally actually answer the question of what is Radio Active? It's a Canadian teen sitcom that aired on YTV. It was about a bunch of teenagers that have a radio station in their high school. They must go to a pretty good school. My school you literally had to go walk around to find a toilet stall that had doors and if someone was using one of the door stalls man you hoped you didn't shit yer pants. So they very much go to a school better than Gonzaga was in like 2002.  Gonzaga sounds like the species Gonzo the Muppet would be a part of. GONZO THE GONZAGA! I like it. Gonzo rules.

Radio Active was the English language version of a French Canadian show I never watched because I lived in Newfoundland and spoke about three words of French. I seriously do not know how I finished French Class the one time I took it in the Fifth Grade. Way to throw children into FIFTH GRADE FRENCH when they never did it before! What kinda shit was going on there? Anyway it is French Comedy so uh, it's not very good. That is something I mentioned in my TV REVIEW post series that I gave up instead of TV YOU FORGOT ABOUT. Anyway this was a show YTV would air and I would avoid. I've kinda grown weirdly fond of these Canadian shows that I would have avoided like twenty eight years ago but something about them is kinda nostalgic, even if they aren't very good. Some are enjoyable but not many. Will I like Radio Active's Final Episode????? CHECK OUT THE NEXT PARAGRAPH TO SEE WHAT I THINK!!!

 The Final Episode was entitled "For Whom the Bell Curve Tolls" and was directed by Francois Jobin. He directed every single episode. Also directed for RADIO ENTER which this show was based on. Woo. The episode was written by Shane Simmons. This guy wrote for all kinds of stuff but the only things I know were Fries With that and Student Bodies. This episode aired in 2001 when I think I might still have been watching Pokemon? I know that I was heavy into talking about NES games and calling Loogaroo a BOOGAROO. I also would rent too many 80s slasher movies. Man video rental stores ruled. I think I might have seen half an episode of this show as a kid and wrote it off as not very good. Seeing as it was Canadian Content it lasted on YTV for another four years. Just reruns. Of Giancarlo Caltabiano for four long years.

 Wow this episode starts up being taped off some kind of very old Tivo kinda thing. It was taped in 2003. I did not think I would ever become nostalgic for that age but I am. I really am. I could have conquered the world had I done what I should have in 2003. Well probably not I do know one thing. I probably would not be talking about Radio Active today. Can't cry over spilt milk. Ain't getting a do-over to go back to any point in my life. Uh, so let's talk about the show, a character I am going to call Dumb Guy is blowing on a book hoping to make the pages go up?!?? this pisses off the girl next to him whom I will call SHITTY BITCH. He tries speed reading but only remembers one word a page. He then tries to find out if they made books on tape. he finds BARRY WHITE READS THE DIRTY BITS OF D.H. Someone. I don't care. It did remind me of Barry White's smooth black man voice which is always awesome.

So he leaves and SHITTY BITCH really should just write his half of the paper. It would be much easier. If this is what happens I will probably just laugh. I CAN READ THIS SHIT LIKE A BOOK NOW. That's my superpower. They wouldn't even let me in the Legion of Substitute Heroes.  So we go to the actual radio station and ANNOYING ASSHOLE is complaining about his grades. he needs an A+ to stay on in the radio station. BLACK GIRL tells us this episode will be about WORRYING ABOUT GRADES. THE WEIRDO (played by Gincarlo Caltabiano) does a first. he actually make me smirk. Not a smile. Not a guffaw or a laugh or anything but a smirk. Good job! So THE TEACHER comes in and gives out their report cards. I guess this will be about something else. I thought they wouldn't get their grades until the end and WACKY HIJINX would happen in between. I guess I can't read this shit like a book. You got me this time Shane Simmons!!

 You know I'm gonna come out nad say this that I am 100% fucking on cloud fucking nine over the fact that this episode will probably not conclude with a dance. Do you know how hard it is to find a teen sitcom that does not end on a WILD AND WACKY DANCE. It's not the same thing that I saw in every other damn teen sitcom I talked about. At least I hope it isn't. Anyway. the ANNOYING ASSHOLE gets all Cs. My Parents would have taken me out to a damn fine restaurant if I got all Cs! It would show that I was improving in Math! AND PROBABLY EVERYTHING ELSE. I don't have any old report cards to look at. Actually I might but I don't really want to. Not for this show. Sorry. Anyway it turns out that everyone has to get a C average and seeing as THE DUMB GUY is going to get everyone thrown out and the EVIL TEACHER gets to use the Radio for uh....nefarious purposes?  Yeah, let's go with that.

 DUMB GUY gets EVIL TEACHER to let him take MAKE UP tests because he was winning Baseball, Football, Basketball and some other sport I didn't hear and I don't care enough to go back. So he can bring his average up to a C. OH NO she says yes but he's going to have to give up being on FOUR SPORTS TEAMS. What kind of school had FOUR SPORTS going at the same time? I believe my High School Gonzaga had a team called THE VIKINGS. For Football? I dunno this sounds weird. Port? Did your high school have TOO MANY TEAMS? Anyway it's sports or Radio Active!!! what will Dumb Guy pick!!!

They do a bunch of unfunny shit in an attempt to help DUMB GUY learn his classes. This somehow makes him smart and then they don't like it?!? You know this idea might work if uh, you let him take the tests and he passes them and then you realize you don't like SMART GUY. You don't have these guys try to stupidify him until the end of the damn episode. what the hell? He get hit in the head with a puck?! I think I was completely correct at fifteen/sixteen years old to completely dismiss this PILE OF SHIT as a PILE OF SHIT.  Oh yeah the MAKE UP EXAM is happening now! OH SHIT.  Oh. He literally just smacks himself in the head and gets to being SMART GUY again. This is literal nonsense. YOU SEE THE QUALITY OF CANADIAN PROGRAMMING. He gets C plus average. WOOHOO.

 Hooray. I do not want you to think I hate all of Canadian programming. I really do know there are talented Canadians out there. I like The Raccoons. I like The Smoggies. Even Yvon of the Yukon kinda grew on me. It's just a lot of shows were cheap, weird or just TEMU AMERICAN SHOW. This show is just Saved by the Bell in a Radio Station. I'll give it this, the actors are at least trying harder than City Guys or Hang Time or California Dreams. However at this point I'm just wondering if Saved by the Bell even was entertaining. How could it literally be the only TEEN SITCOM from the 1990s SPANNING TWO COUNTRIES that was any good? How? I seriously don't know

FINAL THOUGHTS: This show was not very good. It was clearly cheaply made and was just a drab ripoff of something more popular. I'm dreading re-watching Student Bodies because while I did  in fact really like that show as a kid seeing Radio Active and Fries With That? and having them be really bad does kinda worry me. However Student Bodies won't be done for some time now. We are going to talk about something vastly different next time. 

 

The Movie Review #81: Doug's First Movie (1999)

 

Hey! It's my least updated series. I watch probably too many movies. I don't know. Sometimes it's a lot and sometimes I go months without watching a single film. Anyway I am bringing this back because after my LONGEST ARTICLE OF ALL TIME, I mentioned within it that they kept making movies out of cartoons on TV in the 1990s. Except to a very lesser degree. We had a compilation tape of Tiny Toon Cartoons called TINY TOONS HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION (which is amazing) or a Animaniacs movie called Wakko's Wish which I had never seen. There were also movies based around Beavis and Butthead and South Park but they really don't totally count. I was thinking of child friendly cartoons from TV that was turned into a movie. I then remembered this movie and decided to review it because I am as Bugs Bunny once put it "a stinker". You see portnoyd hates Doug like I hate Tim and Eric. So let's talk about the Doug's First Movie. 

Doug for those who do not know was a cartoon show that first started on Nickelodeon. It was like one of the first three Nicktoons. They were Doug, Rugrats and Ren and Stimpy. Doug was just the everyday life of Doug Funnie, a kid with an overactive imagination (seriously guy spaces out and has weird cutaway dreams all the damn time as we will see in this movie). He has to deal with girls and bullies and all kinds of stuff. Doug's run on Nickelodeon would run its course in 1994. I don't know the full details but I do believe that if they had made one more episode they would have owned the property but I guess they just didn't care. Portnoyd will probably be amused by that.

Now the giant grubby hands of MICKEY MOUSE aka DISNEY show up and are like YES WE WANT THIS and buy Jumbo Pictures. Which means they now own Doug. and I think P.B. and J Otter. Or maybe that was just made for them by Jim Jinkins, creator of Doug (he even worked on really really REALLY early Nickelodeon in like 1979-1981!!) . Doug first showed up in some children's book! I should format these paragraphs better but I just remembered that and I don't want to go force that fact into the oipening paragraph. So, Disney's Disney Afternoon had ended so they created a Saturday Morning Block on ABC. Which they had also just bought. MICKEY MOUSE WILL BUY YOU AND OWN YOUR SOUL! 

I loved the block they created called One Saturday Morning. It had Recess, Pepper Ann and others. I did not realize Doug's second series was there from the beginning before Recess or Pepper Ann or The Weekenders or any of those other shows. It was there from day one. Alongside the last season of Gargoyles and The Mighty Ducks. Isn't that something?? Anyway Doug is a very weird little cartoon in the fact that people either seem to find it charming or they want to RIP OFF DOUGS HEAD AND SHIT DOWN HIS NECK. It's kind of amazing actually. Then you get the people who did NOT like the Disney series.

Some of the Criticism the Disney series got was the changing of the Locale (like closing the Honker Burger) or changing the characters (Roger got rich and Connie became skinny) or making the plots 22 minutes instead of 11 minutes. Personally I watched Nickelodeon Doug on YTV and I watched Disney Doug on One Saturday Morning and thought it was just a perfectly pleasant cartoon. Not an ULTRA FAVOURITE (yeah this might just blow portnoyds mind. I bet he thinks I think Doug is cartoon nirvana or something) but it was something I could easily watch and enjoy. I don't know what version is better but I do know that I did Final Episode breakdowns on each of them which you can see here and here. I am planning a series where I go and watch every episode of a show and then talk about it so sorry portnoyd this will probably not be the last time I discuss Doug. I do know you like DUMPING ASS on this show so don't even lie about that.

So some more background before we get into the movie. In the season before this movie Doug and Skeeter had been searching for the LUCKY DUCK LAKE MONSTER. They find said monster in this movie. So with that out of the way, let's dig in to Disney's Doug's First Movie (and his last too!)

I should mention that I rented this in like 1999 when it hit VHS. Probably from Allan's Video. Probably along side other films like Porky's II: The Next Day and Sorority House Massacre. You know I only watched the most intellectual and though provoking cinema as a 14 year old. I remember not liking it at all. I watched a little bit of recently and wasn't all that amazed by it. I finished the entire thing and this movie is kind of a mess and it's ALL OVER THE PLACE. Holy shit this is just thrown together nonsense. 

 It starts out in LUCKY DUCK LAKE and we see Roger trying to scare Doug and Skeeter. Roger and his friends are there. They will end up dressing up as a monster. One of them Chinese dragons. They are dressed up as one when they try to scare Skeeter. The LUCKY DUCK LAKE MONSTER shows up and Skeeter ends up getting a picture taken of it. The picture is of its foot. We will come back to that. Anyway There is also a VALENTINE'S DAY DANCE. I can only remember one dance at my school and I actually ended up going there. We did the locomotion because Newfoundland was like 35 years out of date at the time. Now it's only 15! Ha I jest. I JEST BECAUSE I LOVE. Is the SCHOOL DANCE the most over used trope in these kinds of stories? I really do believe so.

So Beebe and Connie mention to Doug that no one wants to put the Dance together. He thinks it's time to  get Patti in on this but when signing them up UPPER CLASS MAN GUY GRAHAM shows up. So I guess Guy is in the 10th grade or even higher because it wouldn't be that much of a big deal to make if he was in grade 8 or 9. So uh Guy Graham is like 15 and hitting on Patti who is 12. Also goes to the dance with her. He pretty much screws Doug out of helping to make the dance and get to be with Patti because he's a Jerk. Beebe also brings up how her dad knows him. Doug is like I KNOW YOUR DAD. and She's like NOT LIKE THIS. So I'm gonna say that Bill Bluff is molesting the shit out of Guy Graham.

So the Monster brings back their bikes and they decide to name it Herman Melville. They show Mr. Dink and his wife who is now mayor TIPPI. There's only two people named TIPPI in the world. Al Gore's wife and Mr. Dink's wife. I'm sure there is a joke there but I really don't know what it is or if I really should bother trying to make said joke. Anyway They want to let people know about Herman Melville (he got this name by trying to eat a copy of Moby Dick) but Tippi is like Bill Bluff owns the newspapers so we should watch out. Tippi again is like DON'T TELL ANYONE. ANYONE. I MEAN IT. HE WILL MURDER THE MONSTER AND PROBABLY US TOO. 

In a wild ass plot contrivance. One so big that I have to bring it up. Like they make Doug do the one thing that he shouldn't do and HE KNOWS HE SHOULDNT DO. He pretty much mentions he knows about Bill Bluff's pollution shit to GUY GRAHAM UPPER CLASS MAN. Guy literally tells Bill Bluff and he sends all of his men to the unveiling of Herman Melville at the Dink's house. Doug pretty much has to tell them that it was nothing so they could save Herman. This makes Patti mad at him for lying to her. She was there when he went on his being spiel about the pollution and everything. 

While this is going on Roger has the nerdy kids create him a robot that would stop the Monster so if Skeeter tried to use said Monster on him he'd have the Robot ready. The Robot is actually not a series of jokes but actually important to the plot. The robot also sounds like Julia Child and ends up babying Roger. No portnoyd I am not making this up. 

The dance is at Funkytown, a disco. Doug lives in the weirdest version of the 1990s. His sister is a beatnik who probably read Jack Kerouac ten thousand times. Roger is a greaser that probably has several pocket knives. I do not know what time period this show takes place in. It's very weird and all that. So they also dress HERMAN MELVILLE up as a girl who ends up becoming popular during her one and only day at school. This is also important for the ending of this motion picture.

So they try to get Herman Melville to go back to his pond but they realize it's too polluted to use. However before they can even leave Bill Bluff comes in and kidnaps the monster. Doug and Skeeter get some police officers to come to his house. This causes Bill Bluff to make up a scheme where Herman would show up at the Valentine's Day dance and cause a ruckus making it so he can shoot him. GUY GRAHAM THE UPPER CLASSMAN pretty much gives this away by writing it on his computer (he mentioned earlier in the movie that the class paper computer was so slow he'd have to start writing something two weeks earlier) Doug and Skeeter and the two Nerd brothers whos name I forgot and really do not care to look up because it's 4:30 in the morning here. I really should not be writing about Doug at this point should I? 

So they all show up for the dance. The Nerd brothers get Roger to shut down his Robot, or at least shut it down for him. They then dress it up in the Chinese Dragon garb. Doug and Skeeter find Herman, dress him up as the girl. Get him out of the dance while the Chinese Dragon wearing Robot that talks like Julia Child gets shot up. Herman gets to CRYSTAL LAKE (hope it's different than the one in the Friday the 13th movies) and escapes. He comes back just to let Patti know that DOug is not lying. They dance. Skeeter and Beebe dance. Mr. Bluff has to clean up the lake. The almost dead robot chases after Roger. 

This movie is a fucking goofy ass mess. Portnoyd is going to have a field day with this movie in the comments. Like beating a pinata with no blindfold. Just smashing that shit. That would be fine if I could say that I enjoyed this movie but I did not. The only time I was amused by this film is when they make a reference to the SEMINAL SHORT FILM CLASSIC Bambi Vs. Godzilla. They really should have uh, stuck to TV episode length. I still believe they could and did tell good stories at that length. Anything past that was not a good idea. 14 year old claw was right about this movie. He probably bitched about it on Joblo's Movie Forums or maybe even NESescity before someone told him to fuck off. Man people are jerks.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I wanted to annoy portnoyd and I just annoyed myself. I guess it's true about the best laid plans of mice and men. I will stop making reference to things like that and Jack Kerouac because I know it scares people that I know of those things.