The Comic Review #108: Batman / Lobo (2000)

 So I dunno if I mentioned it but I made a list of over 250 things that I want to discuss for this blog. Said list has literally invigorated me. I really want to talk about all of these things. Some of them I discussed before in like a paragraph and a lot of them honestly deserve a combing over of things. Like those guys in Spaceballs. You know the ones who went WE' AIN'T FOUNT SHIT. Apparently that guy went on to be big on Star Trek but he'll always be the guy who cussed at Rick Moranis to me.  Anyway there's a number of things on that list that I know I won't enjoy talking about but I still will talk about them becuase I dunno, I figure if I can post 1,000+ about The Return of the Shaggy Dog. I mean if I can write that much about that it means I really should redo just about every one of my paragraph reviews. Which means I have to talk about the 2000 (seriously according to google it came out on January 1st, 2000. Just more proof that the 21st Century is a suck ass century. I want to see the future of flying cars or at least be back in 1996 at 11 years old. I'm not getting either, I'm just getting Lobo on a shit plate.

So Batman/Lobo is an Elseworlds. They are like DC's what If except they don't really ask a question like What If Spider-Man Never Married Mary Jane. Instead it's more like What If Batman Punched Jack the Ripper in the dickhole? They started in 1989 with Batman: Gotham By Gaslight. While I like a lot of DC characters I'm going to have to go with Batman as my favorite. It's a good choice because most Batman stories are pretty good. It's like Spider-Man or pizza. Even if it isn't the best you'll still have a pretty good time with it. I dunno. You know how easy to please I am. Batman made the best Elseworlds too... although to be fair I have not read many of the other Elseworlds. So expect a good amount of them to show up here because I like them. Expect What If to show up here too. Just expect too much poorly written crap to show up here. For all five of my adoring fans. I hope you enjoy this. 

The writer of this stuff is Alan Grant. He wrote a lot of Batman. Some of my favorite stories even. The man also wrote a lot of Lobo but we will get to that. He was born Bristol, England and got into the comics scene there. He wrote for like 2000 A.D. You know Judge Dredd and other stuff no one seems to talk about. I should really read more Judge Dredd. The stuff I did read was fucking wild as hell. He teams up with writer John Wagner and in 1987 or 1988 they take over Detective Comics and just start telling crazy ass stories there. I am a big fan of these stories and I will have to talk about one sooner or later. I guess I will have to put that on the list. Sadly Alan Grant passed away in 2022 at the age of 73. He will be missed.

 The artist of this comic is a man named  Simon Bisley He was born on March 3, 1962. He helped redefine Lobo from his original look to how he looks now. People really seem to like his art but I am not a big fan. At least of the stuff in this story. I'm not sure why either. It just looks really really really tryhard to me. I dunno. I really don't have much to say about Simon Bisley except he seems like a nice man and I wish I liked his artwork more. That's all.

So no more beating around the bush. I must tell you THE LOBO SECRET THAT I HOLD. THE SECRET IS..............I fucking hate Lobo. You'd know this if you read that old paragraph post. Lobo to me is just like Deadpool a character many poeple seem to think is hilarious but I think is about as funny or interesting as dirt. And not that fancy store bought dirt with minerals in it. The regular ass dirt you find outside any house anywhere. Deadpool I will give some credit too. At least people seem to write something serious with him from time to time. I could never take those moments seriously because I'd always remember him going LOL I WANNA HUMP BEA ARTHUR IN A TUB FULL OF BANANA PUDDING. I will give it credit that people seem to at least be able to take him serious sometimes, both fans and writers. Lobo however is one joke that I just find annoying. LOL IM A 1990S CHARACTER TURNED TOO 100% HAHAH. It's a shame because Keith Giffen who created Lobo and then re-created him with Alan Grant is a talented AND funny guy. I just do not like the Lobo joke. I should review an Ambush Bug series. 

Anyway, I've posted enough that's not about the comic so let's discuss Batman/Lobo. Goodie. We start off with Batman and the Joker fighting. Simon Bisley's Batman is a fuckin brick shithouse. It's pretty wild.  Anyway The Joker for some reason wants to be a crime lord. I mean the BIG MAIN CRIME LORD in Gotham. I like the Joker but yes he can be overused a lot. I also like him being a weirdo who just does crazy ass crimes to just annoy the shit out of Batman. I dunno. Him wanting to just be another crime lord is just not great. He wants to fight Scarface, you know the puppet played by the guy who looks like me except 200 pounds skinnier. I should tell you that I believe the first Scarface story was also the first Alan Grant/John Wagner Batman comic. Wild huh? So The Joker wants to get back out of Arkham and he sees Lobo fly by.  Lolo has a fuckin confederate flag on his flying machine. What a fuckin dweeb.

 Oh cool, Lobo just killed Killer Croc. Great. It's one of those HEY I WANNA SHOW MY CHARACTER IS TOUGH AND COOL AND A BADASS AND ULTRA AWESOME AND NOT JUST SOME BORING LAME-O IN A DIRTY TRENCHCOAT AND LONG DIRTY HAIR so i'll have him kill a bigger more popular character. I'll give Lobo this much, his design his better than a lot of those characters that never went anywhere and most people were just annoyed by them. At least I hope most people were annoyed by them. I really don't get the popularity of a lot of 1990s comics man. Anyway he's there to kill the Joker for Scarface. Joker is like I'll give you  ten million dollars to HUMILIATE and then kill Batman. Make Gotham hate him!

So The Penguin, a turtle, a shark man and a hammerhead shark man are all robbing a bank.  So uh, Lobo dresses up as Batman and just starts killing people. I'm sure no one will ask questions or wonder if this Batman is an imposter or anything. Batman says that he must fight Lobo alone for some reason. It's personal. So he leaves Robin and Nightwing who are different in this universe. Nightwing is Tim Drake and Robin is Dick Grayson. I dunno. I just thought it to be neat. Lobo kills some dudes and Batman fights him and blah blah blah. I don't get the comedy of this and honestly the story is just dull, all over the place and not very well written. I KNOW Alan Grant can do better than this. Seriously. Fuck. 

Oh, Nightwing and Robin just taken out like the biggest chumps in the universe. I get the humor within this story or any Lobo story. LOL HE'S RUDE AND VERY 1990S COMIC CHARACTER WOOOOOOOOOOOOO I JUST SHIT MY PANTS FROM LAUGHING SO HARD. so Lobo is killing just about all of Gotham and they somehow still think he's actually Batman.  So Batman was running DNA tests and he wants Joker to see them.  Alfred gets into a ROBO BATMAN suit from when Batman fought JIMMY OLSEN, SUPERMAN. I can't deny that I do like these little touches. I kinda want to see how JIMMY OLSEN would be as Superman. At least more than read the rest of this crap. I really think Alan Grant just wrote nonsense because he knew Lobo fans would buy it up and it would make him money. I can't see how someone who's actually celebrated as a Batman writer would write such shit.

 Lololololol. Holy shit The Joker and Batman were brothers. Twin brothers. At six years old the Waynes were killed and whoever killed them took JOEY WAYNE away. HE BECAME THE JOKER. Wow now the Joker for some reason LOVES BATMAN HIS BROTHER. He uses ultra gas to knock out Lobo and Joker wants to kill him but then SCARFACE SHOWS UP and his gang has a Walrus who does the Beatles song thing. Yes you know that. Not something that was ever comically referenced too ever before. Some chattering teeth the Joker was working on earlier come to life and eat Scarface's gang. The Joker shoots the guy controlling Scarface and I wish I was doing just about anything else. Jesus christ.

Oh wow. Joker tries to kill Batman and Lobo wakes up but Batman made the gas have him have control over Lobo and he sends him away from earth and makes it so he never kills anyone or anything ever again. Good wow.  I uh, see no reason why they made them brothers at all. I hear Simon Bisley draws stuff that isnt in the script and it made Alan Grant re-write stuff. I dunno who the blame but this is not a good story or a good comic book. I hate Lobo even more now

FINAL THOUGHTS: This story is going to make me say something I did not want to say. DEADPOOL IS A BETTER THOUGHT OUT, MORE FLESHED OUT, FUNNIER CHARACTER THEN LOBO. I mean that is not saying much but the fact I have to say it makes me incredibly mad. This is one of those things I talk about that so shitty that I'm going to be grumpy for the rest of the night. Fuck you Lobo. (Seriously why the fuck didn't they pick ANY OTHER CHARACTER to be the bad guy in the Supergirl movie? ANY OTHER CHARACTER. ANY OF THEM. Lobo is DC's worst character and I will punch portnoyd if he tries to say otherwise. This is a promise too)