Weirdly enough this post was supposed to be something wildly different. It was the start of a new series of posts where I watch every episode of a tv show and then talk about it instead of just doing a review or discussion or whatever of it's Final Episode. I am still watching said show so you will get a new series of posts. I'm going to keep said show a surprise until it happens because that's fun. Then it was going to be a review of the comic book Civil War because It's a very popular comic book series that I've never read and I fucking hate Mark Millar so it would have been fun. Then I was like oh why not make it three comic reviews about comics in Newfoundland. The SECRET website I go to find comics (even ones I already own but don't want to go looking for) probably ended up giving me a virus so I couldn't review those three stories that revolve around Newfoundland (I would like too but I have to find said Alpha Flight issues and I'm lazy and also cheap). I then decided fuck it let's talk about the Care Bears for the third or fourth or fifth time. That's a thing everyone loves reading about right?
The reason why this post got so many changes is that it is the 500th post. Yes, that's right I wrote 500 blog posts on things like The Transformers, The Smoggies, The Jetsons, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Charles in Charge and Mama's Family. I have somehow stuck with this blog for six years now. I mean I would take random months long hiatius to this blog but I always come back to it, hell I wish I had started it sooner. It's just calming to post some random crap and talk about whatever you want without having some stupid twitter like idiot coming around here. I have portnoyd like idiots around here!!! A HIGHER STANDARD OF IDIOT THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I figured that I would discuss when Star Trek and the Care Bears collided. I should also mention that I have seen very little Star Trek and would call it gay as a child whenever my dad was watching it. However when I was a child something I would not call gay were the Care Bears. I have never made any sense. In the insuing decades I've seen most of the Star Trek movies and three episodes of the Original Series. I would like to watch more but Care Bears or some Fred Olen Ray movie gets in my eyesight and I run towards them instead. What can I say except that I am a creature of habit.
In the Third Season of the Care Bear Family, made during 1988 or so, the writers got tired of coming up with stories for the Care Bears so they just put them into different places. One of those were Cavemen times. They had 8 segments in there OVER four episodes. There were eight SEGMENTS over FOUR episodes. Learn to TV you JERKS on TWITTER saying they were episodes!!!! They did the same exact thing for Space except they put them in a Enterprise looking ship called the S.S. Friendship. It's a great name for a Star Trek like ship for the Care Bears isn't it? Anyway we are going to take a look at all eight segments that took place within four episodes. IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE PEOPLE STOP GETTING IT WRONG.
The first segment is called "The Thing That Decided to Stay" which sounds like a really bad 1950s b-horror movie that I would probably watch. It was written by John de Klein who did all kinds of things within Animation up here in Canada. Besides writing 8 episodes or segments or whatever of this show he wrote the screenplays to Care Bears Adventure in Wonderland and Babar: The Movie. Also worked on a good amount of other shows. This segment involves Cheer Bear learning that she shouldn't just randomly take animals from planets they visit. Despite doing it at least three times before. She has a lot of animals to take care of already. However they have a quick black out and Chief Brave Heart Lion learns from Scotty I mean Grumpy Bear that they need to get Caring Crystals or they are kaput! They land on the nearest planet. We then see they are being followed by Star Trek-ified versions of the usual bad guys they fight, Shreeky, Mr. Beastly and No Heart. The Care Bears then rainbow-beam down to the planet and Grumpy thinks it tickles. I wonder if the regular Star Trek beam tickles but the people who use it have gotten used to it. Anyway they get on the planet and YES Cheer Bear finds another animal and just picks it up. You know this time this cute little guy is gonna cause some havok which he does when Cheer Bear gives him a cookie. He grows from teeny tiny to like 500 feet. Like he shouldn't even fit on the damn S.S. Friendship. They chart a way to the surface of the planet to let the Nicey Nice (what Cheer Bear called him) off. We then get to see Mr. Beastly's rocket shoes mess up which will come up later. The Nicey Nice is let off and he doesn't want to leave Cheer Bear. However she tricks him but this is when Mr. Beastly and Shreeky come in and try to shoot them with a Vaporizer which apparently also un-vaporizes things too. What a neat weapon. Anyway they try to vaporize the Care Bears but fail just vaporizing the ground underneath. Shreeky takes the weapon from Mr. Beastly and tries to vaporize them before the Nicey Nice comes back and it isn't very Nice right now. it's gonna eat Mr. Beastly and Shreeky and they run off. Cheer Bear then says good bye ot the Nicey Nice after it finds a girlfriend or something. NICEY NICE IS GONNA GET LAID TONIGHT WOO HOO.
Oh man. This segment is the worst of the bunch and that;s what I thought 30 damn years ago too when I'd watch reruns of this on I dunno NTV or some fucking other channel. I really should do a post on Newfoundland TV aka NTV. It would be a doozy of a time. Anyway this episode has a Space Clown annoy the shit out of Grumpy Bear. The clown puts everyone into a Space Bubble (which is the name of the segment). Grumpy Bear does not want to be a part of this and just pops his balloon with a pick of some kind. Grumpy Bear is my favorite Care Bear because he sounds like an angry stereotypical gay man. It's great. Anyway the Care Bears get easily captured by Beastly and Shreeky and taken to their spaceship. The Clown literally keeps making fun of Mr. Beastly saying he moves slower than a snail which causes Shreeky to start laughing at him. She makes Mr. Beastly then throw him out of the fucking spaceship. This shit is actually kinda wild maybe it's not as bad as 11 year old LIL' CLAW thought. I dunno. Grumpy Bear saves the Space Clown after fixing his Space Clown Car. They then put Beastly and Shreeky into balloons and leave. This segment ends with Grumpy Bear getting a face full of cake.
our third segment, part of our second episode involves Cheer Bear wanting to fly the S.S. Friendship. BUT CAPTAIN BRAVE HEART LION is like you need more experience! That's what they all say and by they I mean MEN who want to keep those BROADS from flying STARSHIPS. Anyway she's back to communications which she refers too as telephone operator. Which made me laugh. Anyway Beastly and Shreeky are on board and they start capturing Care Bears and messing up the engine. One by one they all end up captured except Cheer Bear. She ends up flying the ship by herself, which just goes to show BRAVEHEART LION that WOMEN CAN DO IT TOO. Seriously though, not a lot to talk about here but I still had fun with this one. I can see this being an actual part of an episode of Star Trek but who knows. I'll leave that kinda talk to PORTNOYD and whoever else wants to comment on this.
I should mention that every episode so far starts with Captain Brave Heart Lion going CARE DATE 1.520 or whatever just like Captain Kirk would go Star Date in Star Trek. It's a neat little addition. This episode has them at CARE BASE where they are picking up supplies to bring to some random planet. I'm gonna call the planet Tralfamadore because the idea of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. and the Care Bears being mentioned at the same time amuses me and only me. It's sometimes fun to just amuse yourself, you know? Anyway Beastly and Shreeky end up putting a creature who is well very hungry and well will eat ANYTHING. So you know what's gonna happen. Lolol, early on in this segment they caught Treat Heart Pig eating like 3 muffins. They make a huge deal out of it because SHE'S A FATTY FAT CAN'T STOP EATING FATTY FAT. and then she promises not to eat any more. They take a STORE ROOMS full of food onto the ship and the monster eats it all and then they blame it on Treat Heart Pig because SHE'S A FATTY FATTY BOOM BO LATTY FATSO FAT FATTY PIECE OF FAT SHIT WHO CAN'T STOP EATING LIKE A FATTY FAT FATSO. They blame her and it looks like Beastly and Shreeky's plan to get them to fight will work after all. Treat Heart Pig leaves the ship in a little star escape pod and is followed by Beastly and Shreeky. The rest of the Care Bears find the creature and realize they were COMPLETE ASSHOLES and find that Treat Heart Pig has left them and they go to search for her. Shreeky and Beastly set up a trap for Treat Heart Pig but the other Care Bears who just landed down get trapped instead. They believed the creature actually knew where Treat Heart Pig was and wasn't running after some pie. Space pie is the best kinda pie. Anyway Treat Heart Pig saves the day and they all apologize for being JERKS.
Well I think This will become a two parter, because this one post is almost 2,000 words and I dunno if I want to reptutation of the guy who wrote more than 2,000 words on The Care Bears. These episodes were a lot of fun to revisit and I hope THE FELLAS enjoy reading about the first four segments because I'll becoming back soon enough with the next four. You'll know everything about when the Care Bears became a part of Starfleet, Gosh darnit.
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