Movie Review #33: Scenes from a Mall (1991)

 

 

So I'm constantly amused by what movies get remembered and what doesn't? Sometimes something that I really don't like gets remembered by thousands of millions of people. Sometimes something I love gets forgotten and that. It's very weird. Sometimes you can have rather popular stars a pretty well known director (the director of this film did Down and Out in Beverly Hills a movie I thought was pretty good.) It's just something that interests me. You never know what's going to click with an audience but you'd think people would actually at least remember Scenes from A Mall. I don't think I've ever seen anyone talk about this movie since it's release in 1991. I used to post on JoBlo's Movie Forum and I don't think anyone mentioned it there at all, and I'm pretty sure someone mentioned every film ever made at least once on those forums. Anyway uh this big paragraph that doesn't really work now that I'm thinking about it will still stay because this movie ends up being really bad.

According to my letterboxd account I've seen 4,348 movies (some of them are short films but still) and in those 4,348 films I've seen a lot of messed up shit. I've seen just about everything taboo that some one could put into a movie to make money off said taboo. I've seen a woman throw up her intestines in a crazy ass gnarly scene in a Lucio Fulci movie. You name it, I've seen that gross ass thing or am planning on seeing that gross ass scene. Most of it does not phase me because I know it's all faked but there are a few movies that do get me. Scenes from a Mall is on that list. You'll know in one second why when you see this picture.

LOOK AT THAT! LOOK AT IT! I do NOT need to see that much of Woody Allen. Woody Allen always looked like he was 30 years older than he actually was. He always looked like any strenuous activity would cause him to croak. Hell he looked like bending over to pick up the paper would cause him to have several heart attacks. I do not and never wanted to see that much skin from him. Jesus and harold and all of the saints please wash the memory of that scene out of my mind. I know that they can't do that but I still have to ask. Anyway if I have to see his half naked body than YOU have to see his half naked body. 

Uh, here is where if this is like the first time I talk about some actors work I talk about if I like them or not. I kinda like doing this for first reviews of stuff. I dunno. Uh, Woody Allen made a few somewhat amusing films in the late 60s and early to mid 70s and then got all up his own asshole for about four decades. There's also the allegations of him you know being a molester fuck and the fact the stone cold fact that he married Mia Farrow's adopted daughter, a girl he knew back when she was like 10. That's creepy as fuck even if you believe he didn't molest his daughter (I do if you care about my opinion on this almost 30 year old crime)

As for Bette Midler, my pal and I would make all kinds of jokes about how terrible she was but I'm pretty sure at that time the only thing I had actually seen her in was The Simpsons episode she guest starred in (which she is actually pretty great in). I ended up seeing more and more movies with her in it. Like Ruthless People and Outrageous Fortune and Big Business. I dunno I like several of her movies and I think she sure as hell beats Woody "I'm gonna coast on my fame for decades" Allen.

So uh what is this movie about. Well it's about a married couple of Woody Allen and Bette Midler who end up going to a shopping mall and uh admitting they cheated with other people. Yep, that's it. Yes in fact the boring ass episode of Power Rangers where they just clearly admitted they didn't care anymore and threw shit at the wall put more effort into their plot than this 87 minute movie. They bicker and be annoying for way too long. There's also a mime. Woody Allen punches the mime in the face. That's pretty much it. It was neat to see a mall circa 1991 but that can only carry a movie so far. Okay they also have all kinds of music you don't normally see in movies like a mariachi band and barbershop quartet. That's also something. Seriously people I can only work with what I've got and this movie has less plot than fucking Grandma's Boy.

FINAL VERDICT: Some movies are sadly forgotten by the masses and some movies deserved that fate. This is probably the worst thing either of the actors did in their entire careers and when you can say that about Woody "I gave up completely in 1986 and no one noticed" Allen you know it's bad. Also Siskel and Ebert put it on their worst of 1991 list and I really don't want to agree with them. Anyway I could have made a one sentence review of this movie going "Woody Allen has a fucking pony tail in this movie. What the fuck? Jesus Christ save me" and still gotten the same point  these 80,000 words did.