Comic Review #62: Ghost Rider #6-7 (1974)

Alright! It's finally time to talk about one of the coolest dudes in the history of Marvel Comics, the mother fuckin Ghost Rider. Yeah! Ghost Rider. The story of a man who sells his soul to the devil only for the devil to kill the man he was trying to save. He has to fight off demons, ghouls, goblins and your run of the mill Supervillain crazies. It was a fun as hell series from the first issue to the last! I can't believe I actually waited till the Super Cool, Really Scary, Will Spook You to Your Core, Halloween is Cool and Good, Super Spectacular Fun Time Spooktacular to actually talk about him. There have been many different versions of Ghost Rider over the years but my favorite is still the 1970s dude with his bell bottoms and disco music, Johnny Blaze.

HIS Ghost Rider comic ran for 81 issues between 1973 and 1981.  He first started out in Marvel Spotlight. You could have called Marvel Spotlight, Marvel Horror or something because the first ten issues pretty much just had horror related characters like Ghost Rider and Werewolf by Night (do not worry we will get to that fuzzy rascal during the Cool Halloween Spectacular Time for Good Boys and Girls and People of Ambiguous Gender Identity). Today's two parter was written by Tony Isabella a pretty good comics writer and drawn by Jim Mooney. Jim Mooney had one very long career in comic books. He did a ton of Supergirl comics in the 1950s and 1960s. I like his art and I'm glad I finally get to discuss a comic he did.

This two party is a doozy of a pickle so let's get to it. We see Leo of the Zodiac gang of supervillains (a set of Supervillains based around the well, Zodiac star system thingamagig) but the narration tells us the Avengers put the Zodiac away not even a few weeks ago! MYSTERY! This guy is after Cornelius Van Lunt's money and information that will put him away for life (Ol' Corey being the leader of this version of the Zodiac). I've always enjoyed the Zodiac gang. We then move from Leo to Johnny Blaze himself talking about how he stopped a villain and now won't be going to jail. He just has to talk to the D.A. 

However it's not going to way he thinks and it turns out that the District Attorney wants him to do another case, find out what's up with the Zodiac having seemingly escaped from prison. The D.A. son pretty much threatens the shit outta Ghost Rider and you think his dad would have tried to calm him down but nah. Ghost Rider and his babe Roxanne just nope right outta the office and go to some stadium. Only to find Dave, the D.A.s son has followed them there. He finds out that Ghost Riders powers are real and still decides to fight him, taking hold of Roxanne. He really really wants the Zodiac gang man! 

It turns out that they had wrecked his career with the FBI and given him a nervous breakdown. That's probably the only time I've seen something like that mentioned but you'd think it would happen more often. You'd think running into a super villain would freak your shit out. I guess most people in the Marvel Comics Universe have stones of steel or something. Anyway Ghost Rider almost throws him off the stadium when Roxanne shows up unharmed. Don't mess with Ghost Rider's lady damnit! The Ghost Rider let's him down and Dave freaks out. Ghost Rider then goes I WONDER WHAT THE ZODIAC DID TO HIM TO GET HIM TO BE LIKE THIS. Yeah, the Zodiac made him try to fight you but you're still kinda to blame for his second nervous breakdown. Anyway Ghost Rider rides off and finds TAURUS! of the Zodiac! This is where part one ends!

Taurus and Ghost Rider yell at each other (I would assume they would have too seeing as both of them are on motorcycles) and Taurus escapes. However as luck would have it a THIRD guy who's good at motorcycling sees the commotion and says fuck it to his actual job. He just walks out the door in the middle of an autograph signing. It's actually pretty hilarious. Anyway this guy is the Stunt Master and he's an obscure character that fought Daredevil once and then teamed up with him. He hasn't been in many comic books but I do like him. Of course they see Taurus change into Scorpio and he attacks them knocking the shit outta both of them. He takes them to his lair and changes back into his original form, the Zodiac member Aquarius.

He then tells them all about how he had gotten a rare lung disease from being out in space in Van Lunt's space ship. He then tells them he had gotten a year left to live. He yells and screams and freaks the fuck out until a demon comes by and goes "yo bro calm down just give me your soul and we will go fuck up Van Lunt's shit" he does and is given all the Zodiac's powers. All 12 in one guy. He changes into several different members while fighting Ghost Rider (Stunt Master gets his dumb ass beat and just fucks off for the next 4 decades until his next appearance) It's Aquarius as the Ram man from the Zodiac (I am legit too lazy to check his real name) and once he changes from that back to Aquarius to finish off Ghost Rider the demon who gave him his power shows back up and tells him that he's used up his year. His full ZODIACAL YEAR by using all 12 powers. Aquarius is like FUCKIN HELL MAN THATS A PILE OF BULLSHIT and the demons like lol fuck you. You'd think he'd want till Ghost Rider beat him to see if Aquarius somehow could stop Ghost Rider because he'd be a bigger get for the big S (that being Satan). I guess this demon just wanted to get back to his house in hell and was tired of this shit.

FINAL VERDICT: a fun two parter with a fun little twist at the end. I guess you wouldnt use all 12 powers had you known that Aquarius! What i'm saying is don't trust demons or devils because those guys are jerks. Goblins are fine tho.

Movie Mini Reviews #2: Severance (2006) & DeepStar Six (1989)

 

It's time again for me to discuss two movies that I feel I cannot get a full review out of but want to talk about anyway. It's time again for Movie Mini Reviews!!! That's right the segment of this blog where I mini review two movies that you should watch! Or sometimes not watch! Anyway, today we will be talking about a british horror comedy and an underwater horror sci fi movie! Let's get to it!

 The 2000s was a weird time for horror films man. Most of the mainstream stuff was not that good (except for Final Destination. I love me some Final Destination.) It was mostly just bland remakes of American movies and bland remakes of Japanese horror films. It picked up near the end of the decade but as a whole probably my least favorite decade for horror films. Anyway I still must admit that some of the more obscure stuff from this decade was pretty terrific. Severance is one such movie. It takes place on a camping trip for some office team-building. They piss off the bus driver and he strands them in the middle of nowhere. They get to a building and believe it's the fancy building they were always meant to go to. It isn't. In fact this building is owned by war criminals who well do not want to be caught and enjoy the act of killing. So it's up to the motley crew of office mates to escape. What happens!? Watch the damn movie you idiot! You'll find out what happens then! I don't want to spoil it. This is a good horror/comedy as the horror scenes are very well done and the comedy is pretty funny. Even if you don't enjoy the ol' British comedy the horror scenes are still done well enough that you can have a great time with this one. Highly Recommended.

Miguel Ferrer was one of the greatest actors who ever lived. He could take the smallest part and make it a ten course meal. He's not even in the movie RoboCop for that long but damned if he isn't one of the things I first think of when I think of that movie. He was even really great in comedy films as the 1993 film classic Hot Shots Part Deux shows us. Any movie starring him is an automatic watch. The best thing is that even without Miguel Ferrer I would recommend this film to everyone anyway because it's a great sci-fi/horror film that takes place underwater. 1989 was the year for underwater horror/sci fi movies because of James Cameron's The Abyss. Every body got in on the game. Sean Cunningham with this movie. Roger Corman with Lords of the Deep. That crazy son of a gun J. Piquer Simon of Pieces and Slugs fame got into the fun with The Rift (I don't remember this movie but I'm going to assume it was fucking bonkers because all Simon movies are bonkers). MGM got in on the fun with Leviathan. The best thing about all of these movies is that they had their own flavor and were all generally pretty enjoyable. I can't say that about the movie The Evil Below because I only recently learned that it existed! Anyway the people in an undersea station doing some government work help a crazy lookin monster to escape and BLAM it starts fucking them up! This movie has some really good acting and you feel for the characters. I felt bad for just about every character. The monster is cool and it's got Miguel Ferrer! Face if if you don't like this movie you are a jerk.

Movie Review #46: Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (1995)

 

What is the second worst horror franchise? Everyone knows that Witchcraft is the worst horror franchise, even if those movies are like 98% soft corn porn and 2% horror. (They are also the longest running horror franchise. Amazing huh?) My choice for second worst franchise would be Children of the Corn. Seeing as I remember the first movie being pretty bland. The second being an okay film (a perfect 2.5 star film out of 5). The fourth being pretty good. The fifth, sixth, seventh and the remake all being truly awful movies. Like really awful. I do want to discuss at least one movie from the big horror franchise (and other franchises too) in among the weird obscurities. I realize this might be the one and only Children of the Corn movie I review which means I must discuss the absolute best film in the franchise which is Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest.

Even though I'm not a big fan of this series as a kid/teenager from the ages of 10 to 16 I would rent every Children of the Corn movie that would come out during that time (except oddly enough the fourth one. I could never find a copy of that around here) Children of the Corn III was the first movie in the franchise I saw. I think I watched parts 5, 6, and 7 hoping that they would be as cool as this movie. Sadly they never even reached close to this one. I'm pretty sure that I rented this when I was trying to find a final movie for the 7 movies for 7 dollars for 7.77 (they were very into the number seven at Allan's Video) and my dad was all like YEAH CHILDREN OF THE CORN IS REALLY COOL I WANT TO GO HOME WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR 30 MINUTES. so I took his recommendation to heart. I doubt my father has ever even seen a single Children of the Corn movie.

The plot is pretty wild. It starts out with two brothers and their father in a field. The older brother comes to the younger brother and tells him his father won't hurt any of them ever again. Well the younger brother makes sure of that by using his evil powers given to him by the evil monster thing He Who Walks Behind the Rows that appears in every one of these movies (I think so at least) and turns him into a fucking scarecrow! They get adopted by two nice people who live in the city (hence the subtitle Urban Harvest) and Eli (the younger brother) plants THE EVIL CORN in an abandon factory they live right next too because they clearly live in some kind of shithole. The father works for some group that sells corn and OH SHIT YOU KNOW WHATS GONNA HAPPEN!?. Eli also uses his magic to create a giant cult for He Who Walks Behind the Rows. So will Eli win or will Joshua (the older brother) and his friends be able to stop him? I don't want to spoil this movie because it's pretty fucking crazy and has a fucking awesome climax that every human being needs to see. Except jerks. They are not allowed to see such beauty.

The best part of this movie is the kid who plays Eli. Holy shit this kid is clearly having the greatest time of his life being an evil little bastard in this movie. He is living for this movie. It is one of the greatest child actor roles ever. Shove your dumb oscar winning movie that some kid starred in because this role is way way way better than this. The other thing is that honestly everyone else in this movie is really good. Apparently this was the first film Charlize Theron ever did. I don't know who she played but that's pretty cool I think. The movie goes by at a quick pace and never gets bogged down by stuff for any kind of time. Oh and it's got effects by Screaming Mad George (I was very angry when  I found out his real name was not George, I bet he isn't even Screaming Mad all the time either!!!) Screaming Mad fucking loves bugs so you get a lot of bug effects but they are cool so who cares?? The effects are mostly pretty fucking great and still hold up in 2021. 

FINAL VERDICT: I've always been a fan of this movie even if I'm not in love with the franchise. A movie that everyone has to see. 

Comic Review #61: House of Mystery #239 (1976)

 

Now here's the good shit! That's right it's finally time to discuss the horror comics put out by DC. They put out a damn lot of them too during the 1970s and 1980s. In fact I'll show you that by posting every series and one shot they put out that had scary monster shit in them! Black Magic (this one had Jack Kirby do work on it so you know it's some wild shit) Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love, Doorway to Nightmare, Elvira's House of Mystery, Forbidden Tales of Dark Mansion, Ghosts, House of Mystery, House of Secrets, Secrets of Haunted House, Secrets of Sinister House, Sinister House of Secret Love, Strange Sports Stories, The Unexpected, The Witching Hour, Weird Mystery Tales, and Weird War Tales (sort of a mix of War comics and Horror comics. They are pretty wild. I will talk about one of them sometime during October.) 

I picked House of Mystery because it was usually the magazine that had the best stories. Most of these magazines had 3 or more stories in each comic. AT LEAST one of those stories was pretty good. Anyway, House of Mystery started in 1951 and was horror stories until the Comics Code made it hard to make horror stories for comics because people thought these comics made kids into delinquents because they are dopey like that. In the 1960s it became a revolving door comic for super heroes. For a few years it was Martian Manhunter's book. Then it became Dial H for Hero. I'm sure a few other heroes were in the book for some time. Then in 1968 they decided to go back to the horror stuff and boy howdy did they go all in.

House of Mystery #239 has two stories and we will discuss both of them because why not. The first story was written by Jack Oleck, who was the brother in law to Joe Simon. Jack Oleck wrote a bazillion and one comic books and horror novels and all kinds of stuff. The man I'm pretty sure was glued to a typewriter for his entire life. I've only read some of his horror comics but they have all been really good. He was good at coming up with unique concepts like this story here. The art is done by Abe Campo, a Filipino artist. His art, like all Filipino artists from this era at DC comics is absolutely amazing. I don't know what it is with Filipino artists but I've never seen one that I didn't go "damn thats some hot shit" when seeing their art. I'm also kinda weirded out that hot shit is somehow a good thing.

Anyway the first story was done by those two guys and was called "Day of the Witch". The issue actually starts out like the cover with a bunch of monsters and warlocks and gnomes and such all around a board room like table. Except ITS IN HELL!!!! or some other evil and dark place. We really aren't told where it is. So a Witch for the first time in history has FINALLY become the Grand Wizard of the Evil Monsters Society. However there's a problem. The prior Grand Wizard tells her that there can be NO EVIL for 20 years. Not a single drop of meanness. Just peace and love for 20 years. So these kinda pisses her off because she wants to meet Satan and the only way to do that is to be a big fucking jerk.

She finds out that he's raising a child. So that his child can become the next Grand Wizard and everyone will laugh at the failure of the Witch. She's not having any of that shit tho. She transforms herself into an old lady and tries to KILL this child. She fails the first time just to come back to the hospital and offer to baby sit. She turns into her original form and tries to kill the baby but the baby well fights back and totally obliterates the shit outta here. All that's left is a pendant and some dust. They realize that she was here and they show the audience the baby's horns and say that even the Devil can care about his kid. Damn son. I think the Witch lady shouldn't have gotten so angry so quickly and maybe she'd not be dust.

The final story of the book is called "Dog Food" and is written by Michael Fleisher and drawn by Ramona Fradon. Michael Fleisher wrote hundreds of comics, mostly Jonah Hex, Weird Western Tales and stuff like that. He was a really talented guy who's comics I always enjoyed. This is a fun little tale but I think what elevates it is the art by Ramona Fradon. She's been doing comic art since 1950! That's a long ass time people! She's worked on Aquaman and the comic strip Brenda Starr. She also helped to create Metamorpho one of my favorite more obscure DC heroes. This is a pretty simple story but effective and fun. It involves a woman who loves horses and a guy who literally captures wild horses so he can sell them to a dog food factory. The man is called Mustang Harry and he's shown to be the most deplorable bastard you can get. Enjoying every minute of the horses being turned into dog food. Yes, he goes in and WATCHES.

However all is not good because Annie Templeton and the Wild Horses Society has now gotten the governor to make it a law that you cannot kill any Wild Horses. So Mustang Harry is shit out of luck. However he's not taking this lying down, so during the last two weeks you can kill wild horses. He kidnaps Annie Templeton's horse Prince and calls her just in time for her to get there to see Prince's dead body. Annie knows the only mother fucker dirty enough to do that is Harry, so she calls him up and says she knows how he can make money he's just gotta go to the dog food factory. Yeah, I think you can tell what's about to happen to Mustang Harry. He's gonna become some Palpo Dog Food. The final page has a nice little dog getting all excited to eat a bit of ol' Harry.

FINAL VERDICT: This was a great comic book. If you enjoy horror stories you really need this one in your collection. Fun stories. Great art. It's totally worth the time and energy to get yourself a copy of it. 

Movie Review #45: Assassination Nation (2018)

                                                                          

 I first feel that I must discuss how I found out about this motion picture. It was on a conservative website called woke.ratedby.app where they rate woke movies. At one point woke and SJW may have meant something. Like you know left wing people going to far. Now everyone whos like "yeah sure put some gay people in this movie/tv show/comic are hardcore super woke SJWs. I think woke and SJW are stupid buzzwords and have always been stupid buzzwords but they at least seemed to mean something sort of kinda at one point. Now it's like "hey cool that black lady I liked in Captain Marvel has a part in a new James Bond movie" means you are a hardcore left wing communist. It's very annoying because that idea is persuasive around the internet and is not fun. or good. or cool.

I also really honest to God wish that this was a fun horror/thriller/whatever that I could tell you to watch some fun spooky times that everyone cool enjoys at this time of the year. Sadly I cannot do that because instead of being a silly horror thriller with a silly plot (and this plot is silly) the movie decides to take itself so seriously. Instead of being a thrill a minute ride where these four girls have to get out of a town that wants to kill them. No, it thinks it's saying something MANNN. It's REBELIOUS. It's SERIOUS MAN. It's making a POINT. It's SERIOUS. It also tries to be suspenseful for the first half and it doesn't work because this guy isn't Alfred Hitchcock or Alfred Hitchcock's #1 fan ever, Brian De Palma. No this is just some schmuck who thinks he's saying something. 

So what is this movie about exactly? Well it starts off with a Mayor's phone being hacked. Showing that he gasp is not who he says he is. He's a dishonest conservative. No way! Not in a million years has that ever been seen. He enjoys dressing up as a lady and making sweet love to men. What's wrong is that he's a married man who got to be mayor by talking about family values and how everyone who has ever thought anything gay is a sinful deviant who Jesus doesn't love. You know the kind. He ends up killing himself in a public event ala R. Budd Dwyer. THEN The Principal of the school gets hacked and they think he's a pedophile for some stupid reason I've already forgotten. Then EVERYONE gets hacked. They end up thinking it's one girl who was in the hacks and she just hacked herself because why not? I'm sure she enjoys the anger the town has out for her. Then the town tries to kill them.

The other big problem with this movie is that every single character is written to be just awful. The four girls are written to be left wing but written like how conservatives see left wing people. It comes across as so fucking obnoxious. It's really bad. It's not just them though, every other character is obnoxious to the point that you just want to see the movie flip from what it's doing to scenes of just every character being jammed into a dirty outhouse like in scene from Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers. You know the movie I should have watched instead. They just feel so inauthentic that it's bothersome and I don't enjoy it.

FINAL VERDICT: I wasn't even going to review this movie until I just had to talk about it. I just wanted a silly horror movie with a silly premise to enjoy while I get over a cold. What I got was a movie full of obnoxious dickheads and thinks it has something to say. To show you how bad this movie is the final scene shows us who the hacker really is. It turns out to be the brother of the main girl. They ask him why he did it and he goes "I dunno, for the lulz" No joke. Not only is that obnoxious internet jargon shoved into a movie. You could easily forget it's her little brother because he had 2 minor scenes in this fucking movie. Fuck.  Avoid this shit or I will punch you.

The Final Episode #82: Are You Afraid of the Dark? (Original Series) (1992 - 1996)

 

I'm here fighting off a shitty little cold. You know one of those colds you have for like two maybe three days and then they go away. Yeah, one of them. It's the first time in like two years that I've had a cold. I am not a fan of being sick but I don't think anyone is (although who really knows in this weird-o world we live in) but nothing can stop me from continuing the Really Great Totally Tubular Super Cool Awesome as Fuck Spooky as HELL Halloween Super Spectacular here at my blog with the really dumb name. I really don't know why I named it that. Anyway if you are somehow here for the first time The Final Episode is a ongoing blog post here where I discuss The Final Episode of any given television show. Seeing as it's Halloween I've decided that I can finally cover Are You Afraid of the Dark?, a television show that I could not miss as a child!

Are You Afraid of the Dark was a joint production from two countries I'm sure you know very well. They are America. the land of burgers and guns, and Canada, the land of moose and igloos. It was produced by Cinar, YTV, and Nickelodeon. It got it's first special peak for an episode in 1990. They filmed it in Richmond, British Columbia and Quebec. The Greater Montreal area to be precise. The show was created by D.J. McHale (that's a cool name) and Ned Kandel (not as cool, sorry) and involved a group of kids who call themselves The Midnight Society. They tell SPOOKY stories around a campfire. It's awesome.

I could not miss this show as a kid. I fucking loved this show. I'm pretty sure I ended up watching the same episode about 4 times in a very short amount of time and it really didn't matter to me. It wasn't even one of the better episodes but damn if I didn't watch it. (The best episode was the one about the pinball machine). I thought most of these episodes were actually really creative. Yeah, the budget could have been better for most episodes and ideas, but it was still an incredible amount of fun. This show had monsters and some of the greatest reoccurring characters. Dr. Vink and Sardo are the greatest and the actors that played them should have gotten nothing but kisses. I also liked how the show wasn't afraid to end on a dark note, with the evil horror of the week actually taking over and winning over the kids. You were always on the edge of your seat because you didn't know if this week the kids were gonna be safe or if they were gonna get stuck in an evil pinball machine.

I usually go by Wikipedia for the dates for Final Episodes, but I found a fan wikia for this show and well you KNOW those crazy nerds have found out every single thing you could find out about the show. They even know the dick size of The Ghastly Grinner (which is probably the second best episode) I'm glad I found the wikia because the episode that was listed last on Wikipedia sounded terrible. Something about Irish people. You know some Leprechaun was probably going to show up. The only horror Leprechaun that is worthy in my eyes is Mister Warwick Davis. I'm sorry, Are You Afraid of the Dark but you know it to be true. Anyway, let us discuss "The Tale of the Night Shift" 

"The Tale of the Night Shift" opens up just like every other episode of the show does (I'm sure some nerd if they ever find this will scream AHEM IN EPISODE 32 THEY OPENED UP SOMEWHERE ELSE THANK YOU VERY MUCH) with the Midnight Society in a forested area with a fire going on. It's Gary and Sam and some girl whos name I forgot, I'm gonna call her Liz. Gary tries to talk to Sam to Sam just says she going for some firewood Liz asks him if he talked to Sam and he said he did. OH SHIT GIRL TROUBLE! He says Sam said she likes him that way but has no time for a relationship. Jesus. You guys can't be any older than 17. What the hell does she do that she can't find time for a relationship at 17?  Anyway the other characters show up and Sam starts talking about illusions which will have a big part within her story.

So now we begin the story within a story, We start with a kid named Felix Zeebo (Zeebo is a name that was used for this weirdo clown. Are You Afraid of the Dark? loved creepy clowns.) who is a janitor. He's being told to go down stairs to fix something that he swears he already fixed. We then go to Amanda and Nurse Laurette (what the fuck kinda name is that) and Amanda talks about how she has a lot of work to do. She has school and home work and house work and then even night shift volunteering at the hospital. She goes to the head nurse to meet a girl named Margo. A new volunteer.

We then go back to Felix who is trying to find what he needs to fix when a girl pops up and Felix being a teenager he goes over to her and BLAMMO IT'S A FUCKIN MONSTER USING ILLUSIONS. Damn son! So Nurse Laurette then tells Amanda that someone in room 53 is looking for her and when she goes in there! It's Colin! The big weirdo in her class that won't stop asking her out on a date. He's even like "Yeah I aint gonna stop until you date me!" It's amazing how this was seen as a positive thing decades ago but now I'm like Jesus fuck kid leave her alone. Anyway he's in there for tonsillitis or some shit. Tonsils are stupid. Fuck Tonsils. Man I'm really bad at ending paragraphs.

So people are being attacked by the illusion monster and you see bite marks on their necks. HOLY SHIT IT'S AN ILLUSION VAMPIRE. I know vampires can turn into bats and wolves and stuff but can they ever turn into people? I don't think I've ever seen that. While trying to look for a kid in a wheelchair who really wanted to see the morgue because he's a little freak, Amanda and the fuckhead who should leave her alone run into Felix who they believe is dead. They walk around and are freaked out by everyone in the hospital acting freaky. They are REALLY freaked out when they find Felix up and running. Oh shit!

Felix tries to attack them but can hold himself back. He tells them all about the ILLUSION VAMPIRE and how he hasn't turned yet. They all go downstairs to show them the coffin and thats when Margo the new volunteer nurse shows up and BLAM IT TURNS OUT SHES THE ILLUSION VAMPIRE! This kid is a lot of fun to watch be evil. She's the best part of this episode. She then attacks Felix to turn him fully and the other two run like FUCK. They then decide that Amanda will be bait while Fuckhead the Useless will destroy the coffin which is apparently how you destroy ILLUSION VAMPIRES. Have I run that not even funny joke into the ground yet? Yes? Well I'll keep at it anyway because I CAN!

So Amanda gets to the roof while being chased by Margo/Illusion Vampire and Fuckhead the Useless gets attacked by Felix who he is able to get to help him. I guess even after two attacks, Felix wasn't turned fully yet. I uh, shouldn't really get to nitpicky about a fun little horror show for children that most people my age no longer care about. So Fuckhead and Felix get the coffin into the incinerator just at the right moment. Amanda is safe and the ILLUSION VAMPIRE explodes and falls off the roof. You can totally tell it's a dummy. It's great. I love it. Amanda finally decides to go out on a date with Fuckhead and we all sigh years later because that kinda stuff is weird and not exactly how you should start a relationship.

We then go back to the Midnight Society. Gary gets up to leave first and Sam tells him to stay. Tucker, some dickhead kid I don't remember and the black girl make fun of him while Liz makes them go out there. It would be easy if I remember to look up the  characters names but at this point I'm almost done and I don't care enough. My fingers hurt from so much typing. Sam tells him that they can try a relationship or something and they watch the fire. It's actually kinda sweet. Did you know that Gary's actor became a weatherman up here in Canada? I didn't know where else to put that fact but I think it's neat.

FINAL VERDICT: I don't know if we will talk about the First Revival Show this HALLOWEEN SUPER FUN COOL TIME SUPER SPECTACULAR SPOOKFEST #1 but I'm sure I will get to it. I'm glad that I checked this wikia because this was an incredibly fun episode to end the series on. It even has a little wink and nod with the last thing you see being a door with the number 65 on it (as this was the 65th and last episode of the original series). I like neat things like that.

Movie Review #44: Psycho IV: The Beginning (1990)

 

I find the Psycho franchise interesting in the fact that most people seem to forget that Psycho is even a franchise, but it's an amazing how large this franchise even is. 5 movies, a failed tv pilot starring BUD CORT in the 1980s. a tv series in the 2010s and everything. It's pretty amazing. I think the franchise is pretty good honestly. The first movie is a classic (the remake of said movie is really bad). The second movie is seriously about 25 times better than it has any right to be. I don't remember the 3rd movie well enough to really comment on it. So expect a review of that movie sometime soon-ish because why not!? Well Psycho IV: The Beginning is something I'm not a fan of.

The biggest reason is that I'm really not a fan of prequels. It's very rare that I can go "yeah that was a good prequel" because you know what will happen. This movie is kind of a mix of a prequel and a sequel. Anthony Perkins was working on other films in 1990 and I guess they just went with a prequel idea. I do not know if he was HIV Positive in 1990 or not. I also think you shouldn't take away all of the mystique of a horror character. The less you know about these guys is better. They are planning on a Freddy Krueger prequel and I can't think of a movie I'd less like to see. You got enough information on Freddy Krueger and his history in those movies. You don't need a single second more of that. That's just me though.

Some of the positives that I can say about this movie is that it's very well directed. That's Mick Garris for you. That dude is seriously underrated and should get to direct better fare than Psycho IV: The Beginning. The acting is honestly pretty good for the most part. CCH Pounder is really good as the Radio Host Norman Bates calls into (She's also really great in the Justice League cartoons as Amanda Waller. Anthony Perkins is on and off this time. Sometime he's really good and sometimes it feels like he's phoning it in. However THE best acting in this film is Olivia Hussey as Norma Bates. Holy hot hell is she ever putting in the work as this crazy woman who just fucked the shit out of her friends head. 

I remember watching this movie when I was a young man and thinking it was totally uninteresting and for the most part I still find the plot uninteresting. I just can't really say anything more about this film. I will say despite that you should watch this because of Olivia Hussey's amazing performance. It's worth watching. The rest of this movie is just not great.

FINAL VERDICT: I honestly believe this movie and most prequels are pointless and uninteresting. Despite talent behind the scenes and in front of the scene this movie is just not really worth watching.

Movie Review #43: The Faculty (1998)

 

I decided to take a break from re-watching some reviled sequels from famous horror franchises and I decided to discuss a 1990s horror film. or well horror/sci fi film. This is one of my favorite things about the horror genre is that it works so well with other genres so well. You can easily have horror comedy. horror action. horror sci fi. horror period pieces. Like the only period pieces that I can think of that I honestly enjoy watching are horror films. You know like Dracula and shit. The horror/sci fi movie that I decided to talk about was 1998s The Faculty.

It amazes me and saddens me that this movie wasn't a big enough hit to get a sequel. I literally wanted an entire series of these movies. I loved this flick so much. I want them to make a sequel now. I mean if we have to take 12,000 remakes of things that really do not need to be remakes. Give us a sequel to something that could easily make a sequel of. As you can tell from me who want's a sequel so badly that this is a movie I really love. This movie has so many likable characters and entertaining comedians and character actors as the teachers. I love that George Costanza's boss from the last few seasons of Seinfeld is in this movie. Just seeing that guy makes me smile. 

So it turns out that an alien has come to earth and is using parasites to take over the Faculty and then student body of a local high school in a small town in Ohio. It's then up to a small group of six kids to stop the alien queen and turn everyone back into each other. I kinda love how all of the characters in this movie are kinda dickheads to each other. It's really quite amusing to me honestly. Several of the characters do not like each other and have to work together to stop the alien queen.

I also like how this movie homages other stuff like the scene where they have to take the drug that Josh Hartnett's character makes to prove that they aren't an alien, which is pretty much like the scene from The Thing but with a lot of goofy "Oh lol im high now" acting from Elijah Wood and that guy who's name I forget but I swear was in a ton of stuff around this time. The acting in this movie is really good, all the characters feel like they are real people, like George Costanza's boss wife has left him and he is totally de-moralized and doesn't care at all anymore. 

I do call bullshit on Jon Stewart's character surviving though. Aint no way that dude's getting out of that situation with just having to wear an eye patch as they show in the ending credits. Is that canon? Has any really annoying fan asked Kevin Williamson or anyone who wrote the movie that question? I would like to know.

FINAL VERDICT: Anyway, I'm having a great time revisiting these movies to talk to you about for the Great Fantastic Cool Good Time Sensual and Fun and Great Halloween Spooktacular Super Spectacular. I hope you are enjoying it! Watch this damn movie if you haven't!

Movie Review #42: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1995)

 

I think that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise is probably one of the weaker horror franchises. I know what you are thinking but let me explain first. There are 8 movies in the franchise and I like....3 of them. That's not a good score. The four movies that I did not enjoy are incredibly bad, especially Texas Chainsaw 3D. the other remake was shitty too except for R. Lee Emery, and well I've never actually seen the Beginning. I'll get to it. I doubt I'll like it. The Leatherface prequel existed? I think it existed. That's not a very good sign. However the movies in the franchise that I like are pretty fucking fantastic. The original film just may be the best horror film of all time. The second movie is one of the best horror comedies ever made. The third one is a movie I've only seen once and I wasn't in love with it. I will probably revisit that one for the blog. This movie Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation which somehow is still the most reviled of the films in the series is fucking great.

I do not give one slimy silly fuck what you think about this movie because it's great. It starts out with Renee Zellweger at the prom when one of her friends has a freak out after seeing her boyfriend makin it with another chick and just goes to his car and freaks out. He gets in and she drives off. After a minute of him trying to get her to think that he has to make out with women other than her or he'd get prostate cancer. Yes this guy is a complete asshole but he's played by a guy who clearly is having fun being the biggest schmuck in this franchise's history. Zellweger and her boyfriend pop up to call the asshole out on his shit. They end up crashing into some guy coming from the other way because they were all arguing. They decide to go to look for help and well they get help from the crazy fucking Leatherface family. Which is not really help but still.

So I love the Family that they have in this movie. Leatherface is gender confused and it honestly works for me at least. Especially when you remember he's kinda based on Ed Gein who enjoyed dressing up in the flesh of dead women. He was a bit of a nut bar. W.E. is just kinda there. He likes to quote old dead guys and pretend he's very intelligent. I think there could have been something more done with this character. The guy who plays him does a good job but he just feels very there. The Darla lady that dates Vilmer is actually a lot of fun. I enjoy this lady. However the guy who makes this movie an amazing time is Vilmer. Played by Matthew McConaughey. He is playing this over the top. Like over over the top. I don't know how to explain this but it's his greatest performance ever. I don't give a shit about the artsy fartsy oscar horse shit he's done because he will never top this performance.  He is giving it his all and more. Like he believed that this just might be his only chance to be in a big role in a movie. It's amazing and I love it.

I honestly believe this movie has some really great tense scene. Like one scene with Renee Zellweger and Vilmer in the truck. That's some great shit there. The acting is honestly really pretty good. Everyone seems to act like they should. I was so with this entire movie for about the entire run time. Having a fantastic time. Then they decide to bring in the illuminati or some fucking horse shit like that. Seriously some fancy European illuminati guy comes in at the last 10 minutes and just shits all over the ending. It's just really fucking stupid. It was better when it was just a really big extended family that just happened to enjoy murder and chainsaws. I know they try to set it up earlier in the movie but it just doesn't work. I do enjoy the end scene with all the cameos of cast members from the original film but man the movie just shits the bed at the end.

FINAL VERDICT: This was some great entertaining stuff. I do not get how people don't enjoy this movie. 

Comic Review #60: The Spectacular Spider-Man #148 (1989)

 

Well I think I will use this opening paragraph to tell you fine folks what I will be trying to do with comic books during The Cool Wonderful Awesome Halloween Special Fun Time Super Spectacular That Is So Spooky That You Will Poop Your Pants While Pooping Your Pants. Poopception. Super Spectacular. I plan to talk about 5 comics involving horror and Superheroes or horror superheroes. I also plan to talk about 5 horror comics that don't have a single solitary set of spandex in them. I love superheroes but I really need to talk more about comic books that are not superheroes because there's a lot of wild fun stuff to be discussed outside of superheroes.

Anyway, I've been wanting to talk about this event crossover from the late 1980s for the longest time. Inferno is a X-Men crossover where they fight Demons! And Mister Sinister, you know the guy who looks like a glam rocker. I like Minster Sinister. Uh, anyway, since this story took place in New York. Marvel decided to give us Spider-Man fighting demons. and Daredevil fighting demons. and Fantastic Four fighting demons. and Avengers fighting demons because really who doesn't want to see superheroes fight demons. I honestly forget the entire overall story but it involves a demon named N'Asitrath or something like that (I am way to lazy to check on how to spell his stupid name) who wants to kidnap mutant babies so he will become more powerful or something. 

I picked the Spectacular Spider-Man crossover for a few reasons. I've already talked about Daredevil in a terrible Daredevil comic called Daredevil: Father. I suppose I should talk about a Daredevil issue from his main series but I've read this comic now and you are getting my thoughts on it! I don't really want to discuss this era of either the Fantastic Four or the Avengers right now as they were not great. I picked Spectacular Spider-Man because I did say I wanted to talk about every series Marvel put out and Spider-Man only got like 2,000 of them. I'll get to them all too. Hopefully. Anyway Spectacular Spider-Man is one of the better Spider-Man series. Spectacular Spider-Man ran from 1976 to 1998 and was the second Spider-Man series. I don't count Marvel Team Up because there were issues without Spider-Man in that series. I mean they were only 4 comics but they still happened. Plus I already talked about Marvel Team Up.

I also picked this comic because I remember it being a pretty good little comic. One that doesn't really HAVE Spider-Man in it. You see back in the day, pretty much every superhero would have a supporting cast of usually great characters. Spider-Man had one of the best supporting casts. I've always liked pretty much every one of them. This comic pretty much involves Betty Brant and Flash Thompson taking on their demons. Figuratively AND Literally! Isn't that cool?!? This comic was written by Gerry Conway and drawn by Sal Buscema. Gerry Conway has worked in comic books since 1968 when he was only 16 and Sal Buscema has been working with Marvel since then. The both of them are fantastic at what they do. Gerry has done pretty much every character at DC or Marvel. I'm pretty sure Sal HAS drawn every Marvel character. All 24 thousand of them.

This comic title is "Night of the Living Ned" which is a great title because it involves the character of Ned Leeds who had been killed by terrorists and was shown to be the original Hobgoblin. This was retconned in a different story to show that he had been brainwashed by the original Hobgoblin. Yes comic books are convoluted and sometimes make no sense. All you need to know is that Betty Brant was married to Ned and he died. So it shows Betty and Flash Thompson making it impossible for any of the demons or people rioting to get into Betty's apartment by barricading the doors and stuff.  They mention a gas light that Betty had on because it was cold in the morning. Flash angrily tells her that shit could go boom. Except in different terms. I just wanted to say "go boom"

Flash thinks about all the stuff Betty has gone through lately. Losing Ned, joining a cult (yes). Betty Brant has lived a very interesting life. We then see too demons on the side of the house. I will call these demons Joe and Bob because giving demons people names is very amusing to me. Joe and Bob mention that N'assfuckerstupidname has finally let them terrorize people so they decide to terrorize both Betty and Flash. Despite the fact Betty is already freaking out over seeing Ned come back to life. I guess another demon started this whole thing and just got bored and left. I will ask Gerry Conway about this if I ever get to talk to him. I am sure he will remember everything about this 32 year old comic book.

So Flash is thinking about how he's an over aged Jock who doesn't know what to do with life and feeling that he can't help any of his friends. I like how they brought Flash Thompson into Peter's group of friends and showed that he was more than a bullying jerk in the Steve Ditko/Stan Lee stories. He's going upstairs to try to do something to keep people from getting in via the chimney or something. You know whos up there! Spider-Man! Well not the real Spider-Man (sorry for ruining it for you) Spider-Demon beats the SHIT out of the Flash. I always liked how Sal drew someone getting punched. You totally feel a Sal punch. They are the best punches in comic books! Meanwhile Betty is being tortured by a fucking NED LEEDS ZOMBIE whom she runs the fuck away from. She escapes and all the zombie does is tap on the door. Probably to freak her out and I guess the demon don't want this to be a quick thing. 

So Flash Thompson is fucking webbed up and Spider-Demon is planning to electrocute him because he's webbed to a satellite or something. Spider-Demon pretty much says he feels Flash is annoying and is a loser. Flash still has a screwdriver in his hand and is trying to mess up the webbing. We go back to Betty who is freaking out over you know THE ZOMBIE IN THE NEXT ROOM and BLAM fuckin Ned Leed's ghost appears and gives Betty the emotional strength to do what she has to survive. Flash and Spider-Demon fight on the roof while Betty gets the camping oven that she used. She calls out the Zombie that then turns back into Joe the Demon and he tells Betty to start screaming. Betty gets a totally badass line of "You only scream when you need help and I'm all the help I need!" and turns on the camping oven.

At the same moment lighting strikes the thingadilly Flash WAS tied too and he uses this as a chance to bring the Spider-Demon down. He smashes through a window and a fire starts. Joe the Demon slaps Flash with his giant ass claw and Betty just JAMS the camping oven right into Joe's chest. Flash and Betty escape and Joe and Bob realize that they are fucked. You don't mess with New York!!!! Flash and Betty realize that something must be up because all of New York is going back to normal. They mention to each other how they survived, Betty goes with no heroes or no saviors but Flash says they DID have help. Not from any hero like Spider-Man but the hero they carry INSIDE. Now that's some inspirational shit! 

FINAL VERDICT: This was a wonderful little comic. I love when the heroes friends have to work out a problem on their own. I miss the time where the heroes friends or supporting cast would get an issue to themselves. This should be a very easy comic to add to your collection and you really should. The majority of Inferno should probably find its way into your comic collection because it was a very fun story. I will discuss other parts of it sooner or later as there were like 30 issues.

The Final Episode #81: Mummies Alive! (1997)

 

When I was a kid we had tons upon tons of rip-offs of TMNT because well that was a huge thing and when you get a huge thing you get rip-offs or cash ins. TMNT was so popular it somehow did it twice. In the 1980s when it was just a comic book it inspired about 5,000 other comic books with titles like Radioactive Black Belt Hamsters and Miami Mice. And yes, I'm sure I will discuss these comic books sooner or later. Then in 1987 it became a cartoon and like a giant hit. In the 1990s we had several cartoons of mutated monsters becoming heroes and fighting crime. I loved TMNT and I did not like a single one of these rip-offs. I'm sorry but Biker Mice From Mars and Street Sharks were bad pieces of television that I was not a fan of. I will admit that the Biker Mice From Mars SNES game is pretty fucking awesome though. Very good racing game.

There were two exceptions to my anti-TMNT ripoff stance. One was the 1993 show SWAT Kats. That was a radical fuckin cartoon there man. Like it seemed like they put a lot of effort into the creation of that one. I dunno. I will admit that the SNES game for SWAT Kats was not good. The other exception was this show, which I don't even really consider a TMNT ripoff despite the fact it's on all the listicles the internet has about TMNT rip-offs. Since I cannot argue with the almighty listicle this show is now a TMNT ripoff. Also according to Wikipedia this was a part of "mummymania" in the 1990s. I know there was the Brendan Fraser movie but was there really a mummymania of the 1990s? I do not remember a big resurgence of mummies in the 1990s. 

So this show was pretty neat. It had a group of mummies that are transported to the modern day to keep a kid named Presley safe from an evil bug monster guy named Scarab. I would watch the HELL out of this show as a child. It was a must watch for the time it was on YTV. It was action packed and still had mummies in it! I was allowed to watch Horror movies at this point but if you stuck a horror monster in something I would freak the shit out and watch it. Anyway This show was done by our good friends at DIC Animation and Northern Lights Entertainment which was apparently ran by Ivan Reitman the director of the Ghostbusters movies (yes yes we will get to those cartoons Final Episodes during the Really Cool and Totally Spooky and Really Great Cool Fun Time Super Halloween Super Spectacular thing I'm doing). Oh two writers of Gargoyles created this show. Pretty cool I think!

Anyway the ACTUAL Final Episode is a fucking sweet ass clip show. I'm sorry but I ain't doing another clip show review where I try to pull a review of a damn clip show out of my asshole. It's not going to happen again. I WILL mention if the Final Episode is a clip show but I just can't discuss another fucking clip show. They disappointed me as a child and they just annoy the SHIT out of me now as an adult. Not everything was great in the past and the clip show is a good example damnit! So the Penultimate Episode was called "We've Got One" and well let's see what this episode was all about.

The episode starts out with the Mummies in their cool gear that I so totally wanted but I swear never appeared in any stores around here. Like I never owned a single Mummies Alive! toy and I would have if I could. It's something I still want. Just to have them stand around on a shelf somewhere in my house. But anyway they are at a wharf or something. Tons of shipping containers and they are finding Scarab. The fight doesn't go his way and he pretty much escapes while Rath, the serious no-fun one gets knocked out also knocking out a police man called Bob, apparently. I'm sure he and his partner who is into alien conspiracies appeared in many episodes of this show but I sure as hell don't remember them. Of course when you got giant ass mummies running around fighting bug creatures it's hard to remember some dope named Bob.

So the ambulance comes up and takes Bob and Rath to the hospital. The doctor sees that Bob is fine but unconscious. She declares Rath to be dead and have been dead for one long ass time. She doesn't even look over him but it's not hard to tell because the dude's got a blue face. He's brought down to the morgue. The other mummies come in dressed in peoples clothes trying to find out where he is. I always loved when characters that clearly weren't human dressed up as humans trying to be human. It's great. Also I apparently like the word human quite a bit. The morgue guy clearly wants to see Rath's body again for some unexplained reason. I'm going to guess it's because he's a necrophilliac and was getting ready to molest the shit outta that mummy. He of course wakes up and scares the shit out him. I don't think he's going to be molesting any dead bodies for a while.

Some lady takes Rath away and even puts on new bandages. He complains that they itch. They are then accosted by the annoying alien conspiracy guy who still believes this guy is an alien. He has gotten into contact with a government agent whom I feel was probably in this show too. Watching this show's Final Episode actually makes me want to watch the entire show again. Anyway the government agents take him away from the nurse. The other mummies now dress up as doctors looking around the hospital for Rath. The Government Guy calls for them to bring him the police man Bob so they can see if he has any alien diseases. They do tests on them and also literally torture them to try to get information out of them. Like dunking them into some weird green liquid.

The Mummies find the stupid alien conspiracy dickhead and chase after him. They uh end up catching him and pretend to be aliens to get him to tell them where they took Rath. Apparently all these torture devices and stuff are just in the basement of this hospital. They get into the basement pretty easily and take both Bob and Rath back up top. Of course they are chased and we get a silly chase sequence. At the end of the chase sequence they get confused who was who but the big dopey fun Mummy does eeney meeney miney moe and picks the right gurney. He could have like ripped the blanket off the gurney but that would have ruined my favorite over used joke of all time.

The episode then has a bigger government agent called THE GENERAL show up and the other guy is blabbing about the aliens they take off the blanket and BLAM it's just goofy old Police Man Bob. The General then tells him that he will get his request for a different job. He's going to Antarctica! The place EVERY bad government agent ends up at because they fucked up. How many times did that joke get used?  Bob tells the Alien Hating Jerk that he's telling the police chief what happened and not him. We then go to the Mummies hideout (in a Sphinx that's apparently in an amusement park or something?) and they razz Rath about the girl nurse who totally wanted to fuck him because she thought he was an alien. Despite the fact she never actually thought he was an alien. She thought he was just a normal guy. She's a pretty shitty nurse if she thinks some dude with a blue face is normal and not horribly sick or dead. Still better than the necrophiliac morgue guy on staff.

FINAL VERDICT: I did not expect this to have so many necrophilia jokes in it, but when you get given a chance to make them you take it. Other wise this was a fun Final Episode and worth checking out. I'm going to check eBay and get sad that the Mummies are way too expensive for me.

Movie Review #41: Halloween Resurrection (2002)

 

I guess letting me talk about horror movies and spooky stuff really gets me back into the groove of talking about stuff online. There is so much I want to talk about during the First Totally Cool and Really Fun and Really Totally Spooky and It Will Cause You to Shit Your Pants Baby, Fantastic Fun Time Super Spectacular. I decided to talk about how Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday was a great movie and doesn't deserve the sass and disrespect it gets from Friday the 13th fans. I said in that video that I decided to talk about the big horror series least respected entry. We did Friday the 13th and now we want to talk about Halloween.

Halloween Resurrection is clearly the least liked entry in the franchise by far. I really wish this was Halloween 5 or Halloween 6 or even the Rob Zombie movies because I actually have strong feelings towards those movies. They actually make me feel things. Halloween Resurrection is a really really boring movie that a lot of other people get angry about. I rewatched this for I think the second time and I felt bored to tears by this film. I'll start with the beginning of the movie which some people seem to like where it's the final meeting of Jamie Lee Curtis and Michael Meyers until Halloween 2018. I can't say this was a good beginning honestly. The retcon that it was a paramedic just doesn't make sense at all. Also the fact that Michael Meyers tries to pretend that he's not Michael Meyers is just weird. It's just very silly to me that Laurie Strode even ended up in a mental hospital. I dunno.

The next problem is that the next 80 or so minutes has to do with reality tv show happening in the Michael Meyers house. You'd think some people would be protesting this whole thing. That could have been an interesting angle to do but it was clear that no one really cared while making this movie. So yeah a bunch of boring dickheads are in the reality show. You know I doubt people would be going "Michael Meyers should have been going after his nephew Josh Hartnett (I forget the characters name)" if these characters were really interesting or fun. None of the actors seem to care about making these characters even the least bit fun to watch. Also the teenagers watching the reality show are really dumb when all the bodies start popping up all going "HO HO HO ALL THIS IS JUST FAKE" and not at least try to send a message to 911 earlier than they actually do. I wouldn't complain if it seemed like anyone wanted to be in this movie. Oh and Busting Rhymes is very annoying. I wish he had not been in this movie.

FINAL VERDICT: Yeah this is one of the shorter reviews because I really do not have much to say about this movie. It's just a very lifeless movie. It's a shame because I really like Halloween 2 by Rick Rosenthal. This movie just doesn't work very well and I'm tired of talking about it. I can't believe that I actually kinda liked it the first time I saw it.

Movie Review #40: Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

 

I decided that for the five re-watches I plan to do for the First Totally Cool and Super Sweet and Also REALLLY TOTALLY SPOOKY Halloween Great FUN Time Super Spectacular, would be the most reviled chapters in 80s horror franchises. The chapters many of the fans dislike and all that. Let's see which ones I stick up for and which ones I agree on. I personally think it will be fun and I feel my blog should have at least one review from every major horror franchise from the 1980s on it. So let's dig in with the 9th chapter from the Friday the 13th series.

I'm not going to keep you in suspense any longer. I fucking love this movie. That's right, I said it people. This movie is fucking wonderful and I refuse to hear any sass-mouth about it. I will talk about all the great things about this movie starting with this. First off I love the characters in this movie. Creighton Duke is not only the second best character in the franchise behind Jason himself but one of the greatest characters in the history of fiction. I must also champion several of the other characters. Several of them get one scene and are STILL more memorable and fun than the heroes of Freddy Vs. Jason OR the remake. The coroner who eats the heart and goes "In my professional opinion this guy is deader than shit!" is great. So are the people who own the burger joint.

Secondly the acting for well the ninth chapter in a franchise is actually amazing. Every character geuninely feels like the character they are playing, even if it's just a bit role. There's a waitress character whos a friend of Jason's niece and she's comes off as a real person. So do the burger joint owners. Two really goofy lookin characters that are a hell of a lot of fun for the few scenes they do have. This movie is also action packed from beginning to end. I mean yeah most the movies in this franchise rarely let up on the action but this one all kinds of great shit is happening. I mean once Jason leaves the body of one guy he starts to MELT. Melting scenes are always fucking cool. If you disagree I want you to leave my blog and eat shit. Fucker.

I won't even deny that the fact Jason is retconned into being some kind of worm creature who can body hop is really stupid. It is. It's fantastically stupid. You know what else was stupid? The ending to Part 8 that turns him into a little boy after getting hit by toxic waste. You know that it's pretty much impossible to make a sequel after that right? Oh you know what ELSE is stupid? Giving a character SUPER POWERS to be able to fight Jason like in the 7th movie. You do realize telekinesis is one of the powers of the X-Men character Jean Grey right? Or how about the fact Jason somehow grew up in the wilderness as a child. That's silly even if you forget the fact that Jason was supposed to be a mongoloid which if you forget is an outdated and probably considered not very nice term for people with mental disabilities. I love and find each Friday the 13th movie (except Freddy Vs Jason and the remake) and enjoy them immensely but if you think about the overall plot (or god forbid the Timeline) of these movies then you'll find that they are all kinda foolish as hell.

FINAL VERDICT: Like the majority of these movies this is a fun thrill ride that you shouldn't spend too much time thinking about. Just watch the fun actors do their thing. I do wish we had a bit more of actual Jason because I love the design he has in this movie but that's pretty much the only thing I don't enjoy about this movie.

1990s horror movies are cool AND good.

 

Alright boils and ghouls! It's time for the very first article for the Totally Cool and Really Spooky Halloween Super Spectacular that will Shock Your Soul. Or whatever the hell I called it in the last post. I'm not going to look at what I called it and just post a different name for this Halloween era of my blog. I want to see how many times I can get it wrong. It will be very amusing and fun. Anyway I've been racking my brain on what to discuss first and I decided why not talk about some 1990s horror.

I think 1990s horror gets a bit of a bad rap. I remember on JoBlo Movie Forums (remember those guys??) and back then it was like you loved 90s horror or you hated it. It was never something everyone could agree on. It actually made for some really fun discussions. I miss those forums and I miss forums in general. Message forums will always be better than social media and none of you hooligans will ever get me to disagree. I'm going to post a few reasons why I like 90s horror.

1.) They were the horror of my childhood. I don't remember what the first horror movie I got to see was. I think it was either Child's Play or Puppet Master. I was way too young to watch them. Anyway I finally was allowed to watch Horror movies in 1995. It was because we had to cut our vacation short because I had an asthma attack and this was the one thing my parents could bribe me with. Holy hell did I go nuts that summer. It was pretty awesome. It was mostly the 80s stuff that I had already heard about over the years. They were great, not going to trash em (I'm sure I will get to an listicle on why 80s horror movies are cool and good despite 12,000 listlces like that already on the internet). It's just something about being on the ground floor for things like Scream or Urban Legend. Stuff that went on to be really big. At least I think those movies are really big.

2.) They had a slick and fun style. I like being able to tell when a movie was put out without having to look it up. Every 90s Horror movie had a slick style. You can easily tell that yes, this was put out in the 1990s. Even the low budget stuff had a style that was slick and clean. It's a nice style. I dunno.

3.) They respected the past while creating something new. I don't understand how some people felt that Kevin Williamson hated 80s slashers and horror flicks because it was clear this dude watched every single horror flick from the 1980s. The man had an eye of respecting the classics but creating something new. The Scream series was a new creative series of films that clearly cared about the old stuff.

4.) They brought back old stuff and breathed new life into them. Halloween H20 was a breath of fresh fucking air after Halloween 5 and 6. Holy shit those two movies fucked Michael Meyers right into the ground and I didn't think you'd ever see him again. Halloween H20 brought him back to the way he was in the original two films. This is one of the best Halloween flicks and yeah Halloween Resurrection wasn't very good (better than most people give it credit for tho) but Halloween H20 was a great thrill ride. It was also neat to see Jamie Lee Curtis come back (you know for the first time). We also got one of the best Child's Play movies in Bride of Chucky. I enjoyed that they just went horror comedy. I mean it was only so long before you could keep Chucky as something that was completely scary. So let's just change it up in a great little flick. 

5.) They had a lot of great ideas. I love Urban Legend. The look of the movie. the characters. The batshit ending. It was all a wonderful horror flick with some tongue in cheek comedy. It was also a unique and fun idea for a slasher film. I'm literally surprised that it took them 20 years from the days of Halloween to the late 90s to come up with this idea. It was a simple concept too, just have people die in the ways of old Urban Legends. It was really fun and the movie still holds up. The sequel was pretty enjoyable too. Sadly the uh 3rd movie was not very good.

6.) They brought in some great new characters. The Leprechaun started in the 1990s. Candyman started in the 1990s. Ghostface was in the 1990s. These are now iconic characters. Okay maybe the Leprechaun is not iconic but damnit I love that little green fucker so much. 

I hope this gets you guys to give some 90s horror movies another shot but I felt that they needed a bit of love and I decided that they will get them from me. 1990s horror movies are cool AND good.

The First Totally Cool and Really Spooky Halloween Extra Great Cool Time Super Spectacular!

 

Yeah, I know I promised that I'd do the 5 shows that I picked and all that but ICHIBAN CRUSH will just have to wait. They will end up being better blog posts if I get to write about those shows when it's what I want to write about.

Anyway the SPOOKY SEASON is upon us and that means this is The First Totally Cool and Really Spooky Halloween Extra Great Cool Time Super Spectacular! No, I can not give something a short name that makes sense. I mean I don't actually give you any otherworldly delights on this blog but It's still in the damn title because I like it. I like the First Totally Cool and Really Spooky Halloween Extra Great Cool Time Super Spectacular. It's a fun name. Try to say it out loud.

Anyway for this First Totally Cool and Really Spooky Halloween Extra Great Cool Time Super Spectacular we are going to:

Talk about 10 Final Episodes of SPOOOOOOKY television

Talk about 10 SPOOKY comics. 5 that feature Superheroes fighting spooky stuff and 5 that feature zero Superheroes! It'll be great!

Do at least ten Movie Reviews, some I'll have seen before and some I will not. 

Bring back this old column I used to have about obscure tv specials and talk about some Halloween-y ones!

That's right. Let's get this shit on the road! 

Everything is Connected #1: Mickey Mouse!

 

This is a new concept for my blog. I don't know how many times I will be updating this. Or how long any column will be. This will be how that every Fictional Universe is connected thanks to crossovers or alternative universes. So I will use my encyclopedia knowlege of absolutely pointless nonsense to show you how everything is connected. So hold on to your britches and make sure they are clean because the stuff I'm going to show you is going to make you shit yourself so much because you'll go "WAIT THAT THING CONNECTS TO SOMETHING ELSE"

The first thing I decided to go with is Mickey Mouse. Let's do some simple stuff first. Mickey is a mouse who is a cartoon. Mickey is friends with Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Goofy, Clarabelle Cow, Horace Horsecollar, Pluto is and is dating Minnie Mouse. He knows Ludwig Van Drake and  Uncle Scrooge. So he's connected to those characters. Oh his voice is heard on an episode of Bonkers. There was also a birthday special from the 1980s for his 60th birthday that connects him to some pretty wild shit.

He meets The Golden Girls. The Cast of Cheers. HUNTER. The cop show no one remembers but me. Family Ties! You know how many refrences and crossovers those shows had? A damn lot. Roger Rabbit also shows up in this series which connects to that movie twice over (the first connection is that Mickey Mouse was in that one) That connects Mickey to just about every other big animation thing from the golden age of animation.

So let's start with a list starting with Mickey Mouse

1. Mickey Mouse and the Disney Gang

2. Cheers

3. Golden Girls

4. Hunter

5. Family Ties

6. Roger Rabbit

7. The Looney Tunes 

8. Droopy Dog

9. Spike from Tom and Jerry (which connects uh Tom and Jerry to this)

10. Betty Boop

11. A character from Li'l Abner

12. Woody Woodpecker

13. Some shitty Terrytoons characters no one remembers.

14. Felix the Cat

Next time I will pick something from this list and see how I can connect them to even more stuff. It'll be fun. Or I'll just forget about this silly little idea.

The Final Episode #80: Wishbone (1995 - 1998)

 

I was going to have a big old opening that was actually probably a little bit fun to read but I'm going to have to make it the second paragraph so that I can rant a little bit. While looking up that image up there for this here Final Episode, I found that they are making a Wishbone movie. Written by Peter Farrelly and some other guy. Yes the There's Something about Mary guy. So expect Wishbone to spray shit all over someone's face. I'm just amazed that they want to make a big budget reboot out of Wishbone of all things. I would joke that everything from the past would be rebooted until we hated everything. I think that might be coming true. I can't wait for the shitty YouTube grifters to make a 8,000 videos on how Wishbone is now woke or something because the movie has a gay person in it or something.

So when I was a little child, I wanted a dog more than anything. I had asthma and was allergic so my parents were not keen on having a furry rascal running around.  However in about 1992? or 1993? I gave up my Super Nintendo to have a dog. I guess it was one of them non-shedding type. I had that dog for........ one whole day. You see the dog was frightened of us and hid under the couch. The next day my mom opened up the front door and the dog ran off. Not the back door that was fenced. The dog disappeared and maybe got hit by a car or someone took him in. My sister and I would get a dog named Marley who was a wonderful creature. I miss her. Anyway, as you can see I would watch just about anything involving a dog because I wanted them so badly. 

This is where Wishbone comes in. Wishbone was a PBS show (hey is this the first PBS show I've talked about? Wowie.) where a dog would go into books and play the main character in said book. The book would have something to do with said episode. Like today's episode is about the epic poem Aeneid that is about history and destiny. This was about the human characters getting ready to go to high school. And a little bit about Dumont talking about how he has no future. Sort of. I dunno. Anyway. I'll talk about the Wishboned Version of Aeneid first.

Aeneid was a epic poem. You know the Trojan Horse stuff? Yeah that's in this. So Troy is being wrecked by the Trojan Horse and Greek Wishbone (I'm calling him this because the other name is something I would misspell many many times.) runs off with his dad and some other people. The Gods fuck with Greek Wishbone and he goes all over the place. He ends up in Hades where he is told his destiny and then poof he's in the place that will end up becoming Rome. Wowie. Uh. You can easily tell how much I enjoyed watching this. I'm sure the actual story is much more interesting but it's gotta be edited wayyyy down until there's no meat on the bone. I will admit the ending "battle" between Greek Wishbone and some jerk was cute. That's it really.

The Plot involving the people is really really boring. There's a gas leak at Wishbone's house and everyone has to go into town at the local café. Wishbone has to pee. Joe and Sam leave after the parents talk about some tree stump that supposedly has magical powers so you can see into the future. They try it out and it doesn't really work out. This is feeling really thrown together even for a PBS edutainment show. The adults talk about how great High School was for them and how Joe's mom made a trophy case and then he goes to the High School and meets up with Dumont, who apparently is the bully of the show. That's a bad bully name. Like everyone would bully a dude named Dumont. He talks about how he lives in the shadow of his older brother Larry and how hard it is. How he feels he won't be able to get out from underneath. He and Joe have a back and forth and it ends with them seemingly becoming friends. Kind of a nice thing I guess.

FINAL VERDICT: Ho boy, I'm pretty sure the only reason I watched this show was because of Wishbone because if this Final Episode is anything like the other ones then this is one boring boring ass tv show. It makes me not want to talk about any PBS shows. This was almost as boring as the clip shows. The theme song is still a fuckin banger tho. 

The Final Episode #79: The Wuzzles (1985)

 

I recently did a thing on my Facebook group for this blog where I posted five shows and had people put them in the order they wanted to see them and then picked one of them thanks to my discord. So now THANKS TO ICHIBAN CRUSH we get The Wuzzles. And four other (better) shows. So yeah The Wuzzles, what is The Wuzzles you are probably asking yourself? Most of the people on my facebook group didn't even know of the existence of this show. I can't blame them because this show ran for 13 episodes in 1985. 13 episode shows rarely get reran for people, unless it's like the Disney Channel because well this was their first cartoon for television.

So I had heard of The Wuzzles thanks to I think Wikipedia. Not any place fun like Jump the Shark or some weird Wuzzles fan site on GeoCities that hadn't been updated since 2000. Nope. Wikipedia. Probably from some list of Disney Cartoons made for TV on there. I was curious because it was Disney's first show. It took me years to finally find episodes and probably a few more for me to even watch said episodes. I'm pretty sure I knew deep down that this show wasn't going to be very good. Boy how right I was! Yep this really seems like more of a proof of purchase than an actual attempt to make a long lasting cartoon.

The concept is fine. Animals that are two animals. Like the Lion whos also a bumblebee. It's a fun concept but all of the stories that I've seen were very generic and lifeless. I get the feeling that one episode was finished animating and Michael Eisner saw it and was like YEAH WE CAN DO IT. LET'S GET WORKING ON ADVENTURES OF GUMMI BEARS. Which was a better cartoon show.  Everything here just feels so low-effort and I just couldn't give a shit. I'd only seen two episodes and it was enough for me to go "man I don't want to watch the other 11" so I didn't, UNTIL NOW!

So I've got to give it to the voice cast, or at least some of them. We got Henry Gibson, the short nazi from The Blues Brothers. Bill Scott, voice of Bullwinkle and Stan Freberg who voiced like 82 characters in several different Looney Tunes shorts. They honestly all do a good job and the voice acting and the voices are probably the best part of this show. So I felt like I had to shoe horn that in here somewhere. So I just did. Huzzah.

The Wuzzles Final Episode is called "What's Up, Stox" and starts up with Squirrel Birds sending their nuts south for the winter by hitting them with a baseball bat. We then go to Pac-Cat's store where the Wuzzles are all trying to buy costumes for the Fun Time Festival Fall Fair or whatever the hell it's actually called. You can  already tell that I liked the 3rd episode of this show that I've seen just as much as the first two. The Wuzzles can't afford the nice fancy costumes but I don't think Mr Cat is going to be able to sell that Tinkerbell costume the fat Elephant rabbit messed up. I really really really really hate the Fat Elephant Rabbit. So fucking much. 

The Wuzzles then go to their houses to find stuff to sell. The Fat Elephant Rabbit and the Butterfly Bear sell pies. And by sell I mean the Fat Elephant Rabbit eats them all. Was there ever a fat character in a cartoon or tv show or movie that didn't eat everything? Can that happen at least once? It's just kinda tiring to see the same joke 82,000 times. I dunno. The other Wuzzles don't sell any of their garbage. This is where Tycoon, the richest Wuzzle in the land pops up. He is a tiger and a Raccoon. Yep. Anyway he has a MONEY TREE. I don't think you should be showing that around even in a Disney cartoon. I'm sure someone will come to Tycoon and stab him right in the face to get that Money tree. 

He also has a money tree seed. Which causes the Wuzzles to give him everything they own so they can get a money tree. To try to keep the money tree from being ripped apart they go in an order they get from picking numbers out of a hat. This doesn't work because they ALL decide to go to Pack Cat's store for some reason. They all want to buy something so they rush back to rip the shit out of the Tree. Wonderful. They try to get their stuff back from Tycoon and he's like "lol no" 

Our episode is only half over and we all know about our moral for the week. Don't be a greedy fuck, but we still need something else to happen for the next 12 minutes, so the worst Disney villain of all time Crocosaurus, a Crocodile and some Dinosaur comes in. He has two sidekicks and I don't care enough to look them up. One is a shitty Tazmanian Devil ripoff and the other one is a Pink Piece of Shit. I am just glad that I am almost over. Crock steals the money tree and buys a house on easy street. The Bumblebee Lion tries to get him to think he has oil for some reason. I think the plan was to make his depressed that he didnt have oil so he'd leave? And give back the tree? What a stupid plan. Tycoon gets Crock to buy STOCKS but it really turns out to be Stork Oxes! or a Stox! Yes! The Stox'es come by and eat food at Crocks place. Yeah. What a great plan.

The Fat Elephant Rabbit just says we should steal the Tree back. Which causes Crock to run off with the tree. They break the tree in half and all the money flies away. The Wuzzles realize they were acting like Crock and they should love each other instead of money or material gains. Frankly if these were my friends I'd rather have the money. Anyway Tycoon isn't too peeved about this because he wanted friends in the neighborhood, despite earlier in the episode saying he wants to become a zillionaire. Anyway they all go to the Festival Fall Fair Funtime Fair For Fucking Fuckers dressed up as ghosts. Stan Freberg as the narrator talks about how great they are as friends.

FINAL VERDICT: Yeah, maybe I'm being harsh on this silly cartoon made to sell a toy, but it's seriously one of my least favorite 80s cartoons. Like had I been older or ever saw a rerun, I would not have been a fan of this show. It would have been something I just not watched. The plush toys would probably get some play around my house if I ever had any but the actual show nah. Still this is a better Final Episode than several of the ones that ended on a clip show or Clutch Cargo. Still this is a F-Tier Final Episode and F-Tier 80s cartoon. Can't win em all I suppose. Still one thing that came from this was Disney realizing they CAN do television cartoons and making about 300 great ones. So there's that. Sometimes something good comes out of a pile of shit like The Wuzzles.