Movie Review #45: Assassination Nation (2018)

                                                                          

 I first feel that I must discuss how I found out about this motion picture. It was on a conservative website called woke.ratedby.app where they rate woke movies. At one point woke and SJW may have meant something. Like you know left wing people going to far. Now everyone whos like "yeah sure put some gay people in this movie/tv show/comic are hardcore super woke SJWs. I think woke and SJW are stupid buzzwords and have always been stupid buzzwords but they at least seemed to mean something sort of kinda at one point. Now it's like "hey cool that black lady I liked in Captain Marvel has a part in a new James Bond movie" means you are a hardcore left wing communist. It's very annoying because that idea is persuasive around the internet and is not fun. or good. or cool.

I also really honest to God wish that this was a fun horror/thriller/whatever that I could tell you to watch some fun spooky times that everyone cool enjoys at this time of the year. Sadly I cannot do that because instead of being a silly horror thriller with a silly plot (and this plot is silly) the movie decides to take itself so seriously. Instead of being a thrill a minute ride where these four girls have to get out of a town that wants to kill them. No, it thinks it's saying something MANNN. It's REBELIOUS. It's SERIOUS MAN. It's making a POINT. It's SERIOUS. It also tries to be suspenseful for the first half and it doesn't work because this guy isn't Alfred Hitchcock or Alfred Hitchcock's #1 fan ever, Brian De Palma. No this is just some schmuck who thinks he's saying something. 

So what is this movie about exactly? Well it starts off with a Mayor's phone being hacked. Showing that he gasp is not who he says he is. He's a dishonest conservative. No way! Not in a million years has that ever been seen. He enjoys dressing up as a lady and making sweet love to men. What's wrong is that he's a married man who got to be mayor by talking about family values and how everyone who has ever thought anything gay is a sinful deviant who Jesus doesn't love. You know the kind. He ends up killing himself in a public event ala R. Budd Dwyer. THEN The Principal of the school gets hacked and they think he's a pedophile for some stupid reason I've already forgotten. Then EVERYONE gets hacked. They end up thinking it's one girl who was in the hacks and she just hacked herself because why not? I'm sure she enjoys the anger the town has out for her. Then the town tries to kill them.

The other big problem with this movie is that every single character is written to be just awful. The four girls are written to be left wing but written like how conservatives see left wing people. It comes across as so fucking obnoxious. It's really bad. It's not just them though, every other character is obnoxious to the point that you just want to see the movie flip from what it's doing to scenes of just every character being jammed into a dirty outhouse like in scene from Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers. You know the movie I should have watched instead. They just feel so inauthentic that it's bothersome and I don't enjoy it.

FINAL VERDICT: I wasn't even going to review this movie until I just had to talk about it. I just wanted a silly horror movie with a silly premise to enjoy while I get over a cold. What I got was a movie full of obnoxious dickheads and thinks it has something to say. To show you how bad this movie is the final scene shows us who the hacker really is. It turns out to be the brother of the main girl. They ask him why he did it and he goes "I dunno, for the lulz" No joke. Not only is that obnoxious internet jargon shoved into a movie. You could easily forget it's her little brother because he had 2 minor scenes in this fucking movie. Fuck.  Avoid this shit or I will punch you.