Movie Review #65: Home Sweet Home Alone (2021)

 

You know, I was going to do this as a mini review along with another probably shitty movie that came out this week. You'll have to wait to see if I even review the other movie because I don't know if I want to review movies or anything ever again. I don't know if I want to watch another thing ever again because I'm afraid that the thing will make me as mad as this fucking pile of shit made me. Yep, Home Sweet Home Alone is by far one of the worst and dumbest thing I've reviewed for this blog, and I talked about how much I loved VR Troopers as a kid and thought it was fun upon a revisit of the Final Episode. You know me I'm lenient, I just want to have fun with this blog and enjoy these things and let the chips fall where they may. I was thinking of doing a top 5 worst things I've reviewed for my blog and this would be right up there.

No I did not go into this movie with high expectations. The reboot or sixth sequel or whatever the fuck they want to call this fucking abomination from hell was not something I wanted to ever see. Home Alone did not need 5 fucking sequels to it. I'm sure there are people who will argue that it didn't even need one, but Home Alone 2 is at least a fun film that won't give you a fucking headache. I'll tell you the two good things about this movie 1.) Buzz has like two fun scenes in it and 2.) I get to add another movie to the Disney/Touchstone Pictures/Hollywood Pictures watch a thon and I like adding things to lists because I'm a very weird person.

So I think I'll get the biggest thing out first, this movie feels like it was just made by a boardroom of old men who probably never even saw the first movie and only sorta know of things kids these days do. Yes, we get the usual hashtag jokes. The people who end up being the burglars are like "OH WE NEED A W" like people do online. These do not work as jokes in a live action movie. We can easily argue if they work as jokes online but at least there THEY MAKE FUCKING SWEET ASS JESUS CHRIST SENSE. Oh there's a remake of the gangster movie from the original movie that's now a space movie like Star Wars and the dad goes and does the WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE "joke" of MAN THEY SHOULD NEVER REMAKE MOVIES BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL IS ALWAYS BETTER. OH HO HO. yeah, fucking end it with that joke remakes. Stop making cutesy jokes about the original film. If you really have to remake something take the premise and DON'T DO A SINGLE THING THE ORIGINAL DID. Yeah, I'm sick of seeing these jokes and shit. Fuck.

What pisses me off the most is that I think this movies plot is the most contrived thing ever written. They are trying to get this nice Christmas ending but it does not work. I'll get to that when I get there. Okay so there's this family who's having to sell their house and the main Home Alone kid goes to there house. Then they find out that a doll they had was worth 238,000 dollars because only ten of them were made. The husband realizes the doll is missing and believes the kid stole it. They end up going to the kids house and loudly talk about how they are going to steal THE UGLY BOY and the kid believes they are talking about him, not the doll. So these HARD ON THEIR LUCK PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO SELL THEIR HOUSE BECAUSE OF FAMILY OR SOME SHIT try to break in and get the doll back. After some shitty traps (these are the worst in the series.) they realize it wasn't the doll he stole but a soda. He also mentions how he's home alone (they thought he was with his grandma) and they want to invite him to stay with them.

I ain't buying that shit. After you bruise and beat and SET FIRE TO MY FEET i'm not going to be friendly to you and let you come to my house. I'd leave the fucking house and MAYBE just MAYBE call in to the police from a place that wouldn't let the police know who I was. I'd sell my house sadly and then go home. These families would not end up becoming friends because THE HOME ALONE BRITISH FAMILY WOULD WANT THESE PEOPLE WHO COMMITED CRIMES TO GO TO PRISON. sure you can feel bad for them because they had their property stolen from them but they still committed a crime to get it back. It's a shit ending that is poorly trying to manipulate you. Yeah I know I said not to do anything the original did but I'll say this you can easily make the BAD GUYS IN THE MOVIE ACTUAL CRIMINALS.  don't try this shit.

The saddest thing about this movie is despite the awful awful script is that the actors are trying. They are genuinely trying to do their best. Rob Delaney and Ellie Kemper as the bad guys are trying. Kenan Thompson for the 5 minutes of screen time he gets is trying. The kid from JoJo Rabbit is trying. It's just that no one at that board room meeting gave a sweet shit about this movie. They just wanted you to watch it and because I have to see every movie in a stupid franchise I ended up watching this. Home Alone 3 was bad. Home Alone 4 was worse. I did not see Home Alone 5 (but I'm sure I will) but this, this is the fucking bottom of the barrel. No actually this is not even good enough to be considered bottom of the barrel. This is sitting somewhere outside of the fucking barrel. Fuck this movie and fuck you.

FINAL VERDICT: Disney, if you make Home Alone 7 I will kidnap the frozen body of Walt Disney and you will never find it. I am not joking about this. DO NOT TEST ME.