I kinda love this ad. It's all about the NES game with images from the NES game and someone at the end of the creation of the ad was like OH SHIT DAVE WE ALSO MADE A GAMEBOY VERSION (which I'm going to assume is probably like the NES game and probably worse) and they just jammed a small version of the gameboy game up there in the corner. It's weirdly hilarious to me. Anyway you know the drill, we are on the H's and uh most of these games are kinda shitty and I'm not really in love with having to discuss them so let's get another six of these out of the way and get to games that are more fun to discuss.
I think this just might have been the last non-sports title I had never played before on the NES. That's something wild considering that I started getting back into NES games twenty eight years ago (wow I am now going to explode because I feel that old) in 1998. I don't believe I ever played this on emulation or owned it. I played it earlier today and none of it looked even a little bit familiar at all. I've played most NES games (the non-sports ones) enough times to go OH THERES THAT THING but not Hillsfar. Sadly Hillsfar is not a very good video game. I jumped over things with a horse and then got lost in a city. I guess you have to use keys to open doors as a thief. You can be other things and I guess the game changes but I just don't care. The amount of time and effort you have to pretty much put into any of these Dungeons and Dragons games to get anywhere is not worth it. I mean I could do it. I could find out how to work it all but I then realize I've somehow never beaten Adventure Island, Blaster Master or either Golgo 13 games and those are game I care about. This is just a very "Hi I exist" video game. I'm putting it in the bad game category but I can't even get mad about this game. Also by 1992 any video game company knew how to get the most out of the old NES except these guys. This still feels like a 1987 game. Dated, ugly and not very responsive to the controls. I did not enjoy my time with Hillsfar and wish just about any other game for the NES was the last non-sports game I ever played. Oh well, you can't win em all and you shouldn't cry over spilled milk.
There's something really beautiful in simplicity done right. This game has no wild backstory, no insane adventure you go on, no lore. It's just a game where you play as a police officer and you shoot bad guys in Hogan's Alley. Is this Hulk Hogan's alley? BROTHER!!!! or did Hogan from Hogan's Heroes turn to a life of crime after getting out of that POW camp in World War 2? The world may never know. Hogan's Alley is a game where you just shoot criminal jerks. You got the guy on the cover. A dude who looks like he would have annoyed Humphrey Bogart in The Maltese Falcon and a guy who looks like he JUST stopped using heroin and has been forced to stay up for like a week. They all have so much character which is why I can see them in my minds eye so clearly. This might be a very simple game but it's the best game of the H's BY FAR. Anyway I hope portnoyd doesnt POOP in Hogan's Alley like a JERK.
Well GAMETEK actually got RARE to make this game for them. It's based on a pretty dull game show where famous C-List people of the 1970s would make saucy comments. Then Paul Lynde would say something incredibly gay and people were then surprised that he enjoyed the man love. It's wild. So you have to guess to see if the celebrity is right and if they are you get a circle or a x like in Tic Tac Toe. The most important part of this show is you know the celebrities. So what do you get in this game. You get a bunch of lame looking cartoony characters that look like NO celebrity I've ever seen and I know about too many of the bastards!! Sure you couldn't get actual celebrities because it would probably cost too much but couldn't you make some parody celebrities or something. I dunno. This doesn't seem like the most fun game show to watch and it isn't much fun to play. That's all I really gotta say about Hollywood Squares.
When I first found out about this game in 1998 I damn near shit my pants. Somehow I missed out on the NES Home Alone games as a kid in 1990. and the SNES Home Alone games. and the Genesis Home Alone games and I kinda enjoyed playing it. Hell, I'm gonna be honest about one thing I still kinda enjoy playing this game. However I am going to be fair and honest by saying two things make this game not very good. First off, you have to wait 20 minutes. I think that is too long but to be completely fair it would have been fine if you could use any of these items you pick up more than twice. Two times and the item just disappears forever. That's not a good thing. The other thing is that you can go tripped up on things and cannot move. It's very annoying. Also the guys seem to go from really slow to really fast when they see you. I dunno if I like that. Anyway the funniest thing with this game is the first tim I ever beat it I got one of the bad guys stuck and they never ever got back up. I don't know how it happened but it did. That would not happen in a game made by Capcom or Konami or whatever. I still like the concept of this game. It feels very Home Alone. I still think this is probably the best Home Alone game I've played. I still have not played the Sega Genesis games but my god the sequel to this game and Home Alone on the SNES are so, so bad.
This may be a harsh, unpleasant opinion but the world needs to hear it: Everyone who worked on Home Alone 2, Swamp Thing or the Simpsons Bart games for the NES should have been drug out into the street and shot. Seriously you are handed three things that you could make video games out of if you were competent and cared. It's not like these were three concepts that would make you go HOW THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO TURN THIS INTO A GAME?!? I mean even if it is a concept thats oiut there just be like FUCK IT WE'RE TURNING IT INTO A PLATFORMER. I'm a sucker for platformers but my god this is one of the worst on the NES. I fucking hate this game with all of my being. All of it. First off they turn TIM CURRY into some kind of weird ghoul and I just can't abide by that in any way man. First off the controls and how the character handle is so awkward. The second part is that you HAVE to get int to find goodies that you'll need to use later on in the game. Every single character is one you have to jump over or get hit by. They give you so little ammo for your guns its insane. The game is also very dull. You can do a lot with a simple platformer game. A LOT of games are platformers and they are creative and amazing and well thought out. This was just some thrown together horse shit. God I don't know how I beat this game because you have to do so many "jesus christ fuck you game" things. Blah. I'm tired of talking about this stupid shit game. Remember when Garfield's catchphrase in the animated specials were "so and so should be drug out into the street and shot" What a crazed little beast that cat was.
This is a pretty bad game based on a pretty good movie. I know PORTNOYD is WRONG about it but Hook is a cool movie. Haters can vacate this area!! Except Portnoyd. He is still allowed to be here for some reason. Uh, Anyway this is a Ocean game and well it's probably one of their better games if I'm being fair. Still it's not very good. The biggest problem is that your little dinky ass knife does not seem to hurt any enemy. So yo upretty much have to avoid all the enemies. Also this game seems to really slow down at times. I guess it has too much shit going on at those points. It's neat to see the characters from the movie but this game isn't much fun. I mean if you collect NES games I'm sure you have nostaliga nad love for the SNES and there's no reason to play this game when you have the vastly superior SNES game, which was made by the people who made Skyblazer which is another cool SNES game. I should talk about those games instead of these mostly poop games. This was a bad set of games man and somehow the next set is even worse.
GOOD GAMES: 136
BAD GAMES: 99
OKAY GAMES/HAVENT AGED WELL: 37
GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER GO AWAY: 5
GAMES TOTAL: 277
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