Whats gonna happen ????

 Well, I'm gonna be REVIEWING VIDEO GAMES!!! WOAH

I also plan to make a spinoff series of THE FINAL EPISODE called THE FIRST EPISODE. I think you can tell what it will be about.

It'll be fun and I can't wait!!

I think I'm back...

 

Well babies! or babes! or people! or whatever. Yeah I don't know what I'm doing here either but I think I'm bringing this terrible mess of words I called a blog back. I tried going back to youtube videos and it didn't work. Well, I wouldn't say completely but it just stopped being fun. I dunno, I make youtube videos (and even this blog) to create some discussion and no discussion came from those videos. Not even lazy portnoyd discussion (not to say everything he posted was lazy but he himself has to admit that he forced some shit out on some discussions just to be negative because its a LOL CLAW IS WRONG joke, which got old, but if portnoyd knows anything it's how to beat a joke into fucking sub atomized nothingness. If scientists think thats impossible they should see portnoyd with a joke that might have been amusing in 2013.

Another thing is that none of my videos ever worked well for me. Or felt like they ever would. I mean I talked about weird shit like Spartakus and the Sun Beneath the Sea. No one cares about fucking Spartakus and the Sun Beneath the Sea. It's all a bunch of silly assed rubbish. I always felt even in a different room with a decent GoPro Camera that my silly youtube show just looked cheap and no I don't have the money to buy something fancy. I also feel that to get any kind of of views I needed to talk about American Left Wing politics. or American Right Wing politics. or things that were popular between 2008 and 2015. Like Generation Z tv shows and movies. OR the worst of it all yelling about how MCU or Star Wars or any reboot is woke now. I don't even care about MCU anymore, or Star Wars or any reboot. I think most tv shows and movies were a product of their time and don't work as a reboot. I'm just tired of everything being put out now.

I also really do not want to talk about how things are woke or SJW. For one reason. One big reason. All of that content feels lazy. It also feels like they are going about things they personally don't like are woke because woke is a stupid nebulous term. I hate it. I hate it so much. It also feels like these people are angry because black people or gays are in something regardless of how good or bad they are as characters or actors. I don't think everyone who doesn't enjoy Star Wars Kenobi is a big racist weirdo but I do think most of these youtube show makers do.

I don't know if this means I'm quitting youtube videos. I do still want to make something that works way better as a video then a blog post but it does mean that I'm coming back to this blog. Sure it might have been just joust or port being hooligans but it was some discussion. I dunno. I do plan to discuss things I discussed in videos just because I want to talk more about them via a blog post so get ready for that. Anyway, I don't know why but yeah it's done. Poopie.

This blog is on hiatus.

 This blog is well on hiatus.

I kinda want to try to bring back my youtube channel and work on that there.

if that doesn't work out I'll probably be back. I do want to get my silly ass thoughts and comments and jokes out there somehow. Anyway, I'll keep it all up as an archive anyway!

So enjoy the discussions of stuff and things.

Comic Review #81: NFL Superpro #1 (1991)

 

Alright baby! It's time for us to review one of the goofiest and most disliked (by people who probably haven't even read it) Marvel Comics of the 1990s. It's NFL SuperPro. I didn't know that there was an appearance of NFL SuperPro before this so this isn't actually his first appearance. If this is somehow a huge hit I'll talk about more comics but to be completely fair this is not a great comic book. It's not as bad as everyone says. I'd read it again over Identity Crisis but it has some huge ass flaws within it. Anyway let's get into some of the history around this comic and one of its creators!

So the NFL comes to Marvel Comics wanting to help create a comic book hero (They own the character apparently because Robert Kirkman of the Walking Dead wanted to use the character and couldn't due to copyright and all that jazz) and make a comic about it. The only reason Fabian Nicizea wrote any issues of this comic was for free Football tickets. It was lucky that he liked Football I guess because I don't think any of Marvel's other creators wanted to work on it at all. He left after four issues and they had to go for Buzz Dixon, a guy who mostly wrote for every cartoon series in the 1980s and 1990s. Well mostly the 80s but still did some 90s stuff too. Look at his Wikipedia article here and you'll realize that Buzz was pretty awesome.

So this is a pretty simple story. We start out at a building with a sniper. NFL SuperPro shows up and has a big old speech for the guy! How they are NOT going to get Tim Pressman. However it turns out that there's another assassin! However it seems that guy killed the wrong guy! He's gets into a chase over him and we see Spider-Man! Yep it was the 1990s and if you wanted to get eyes on a new character you put him or The Punisher or Wolverine or Ghost Rider in there. Those sons of bitches sold stuff. The only problem with this is that they never actually team up and it feels Spider-Man does more stuff within the comic then the actual hero of the comic! Spider-Man feels more important to this story than NFL SuperPro but then again who would you want to write a story about NFL SuperPro or Spider-Man.

So we meet some random characters that will show up in the series. You know the non-super powered secondary cast. His pal that helps him as a Superhero and his girlfriend. We also see a flash back to how he got his powers and man I wish I had read and was talking about THAT comics instead. Anyway there's a press conference about Tim Pressman who people think is throwing games for a big jerky turd of a mob boss. He wants him kept quiet so the assassin from earlier comes back and dies when running away from Spider-Man. Dumbass forgot he was on a fuckin roof. Anyway NFL SuperPro finally fights some guys at Pressman's house. He finally did something! Anyway Tim Pressman is saved from jail because well all of these guys trying to kill him makes his assertion of how he didn't do it look pretty good and true.

FINAL VERDICT: You know I thought I would get more content out of this comic but it feels very "Yeah yeah I'll get to that after I do the stuff I care about" and that's never much fun. The art also feels rushed too. Some of it is good and other stuff just looks ugly. No one cared about this comic and thats why you get a blah comic instead of a really bad one. I might end up reading some of the issues Buzz Dixon did just to see if it gets any weirder but man this disappointed me a lot.

Comic Review #80: Vigilante #1 (1983)

 

I should mention to you all why I chose to pick this series, It's for really 3 simple reasons. 1.) It like Darkhawk was a series I wanted to read in full. I've only read random issues of this series. Like issues 2-24 I want to say. They entertained me enough to want to see the rest. 2.) I like the talk about things that don't get as much attention from people these days. So many people bitching and moaning about how entertainment isn't good these days (I personally think it's silly to say all entertainment in an decade is either good or bad. All decades have some really awful shit.) and I'm wanting them to come here and see this. Actually I'm not wanting them to come here and see this because they will complain about wokeness and I will have to rip out what's left of my hair and I don't have a lot of that. The 3rd and Final Reason is that I've always been a fan of Vigilante fiction, in movies, tv, books whatever. I know why Vigilantes can't and shouldn't work in the real world but it's still very cathartic to see some garbage bastard who got past the wall get shot in the dick. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

So Vigilante had 50 issues, 2 annuals and the origin in The New Teen Titans. So that's 53 issues. One has already been covered so that's 52. Weird how this series went as long as Darkhawk. Anyway, this was one of DC's more expensive comics at the time. They used better paper AND This got pretty graphic and wild. This was them trying something more serious and from what I read it mostly worked. The series had two main writers, the first half was by Marv Wolfman and the second half was by Paul Kupperberg. Mr. Alan Moore, the British Rasputin wrote a two parter in the first half. I've heard the Paul Kupperberg stuff gets crazy and I can't wait to see how it goes. First though we gotta discuss the first issue of Vigilante. 

Alright! Now this is a great start off for things. We start with a big gangster jerkoff named Quilt talking to a very stereotypical homosexual man. Not trying to be funny seriously, look the guy up. He's named Brand. Brand is the hitman for Quilt. He kills people and then brands them with a cow poker. Hey it's a comic book the man's gotta have a gimmick! Anyway we see Brand trying to attack a woman and her husband. He shoots Brand but he escapes and is sent to jail for not having his handgun registered. He breaks out of the court room and runs off to hurt this Quilt guy. He finds him there later even eating with the judge showing us that this guy has money to buy off judges. He doesn't go for the cop he goes for the judge! Anyway Quilt being in a comic book has a gas system in place that kills the Husband Al. 

We then go to the Vigilante who is thinking about the song I am A Rock by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. I like that song. Anyway this is where we are introduced to Tersea Gomez the person who goes and gets files for him. His information gal. We also meet J.J. who is the gadgets guy. I assume he made the KICKIN' RAD motorcycle he has. Tersea gets him to talk to her friend after she mentions Quilt. He talks to her friend, the widow lady. He talks about how he won't let cops die on his watch even if they are out to get him on his drive to Quilt. These pages are the best in the book because I think Keith Pollard wanted them to stand out the best. I didn't mention him earlier but he was a great artist and it's a shame that it seems that he hasn't done any comic book work since 1996. He gets into Quilt and during a workout Quilt tells him that she stole from him. He says he will go back to her but to watch out because he still killed her husband.

Vigilante finds out The Widow left and he has to go find her. Not too hard just searching through her relatives and everything. He finds out that yes she had been blackmailing him but not for money. You see Quilt and the Widow had a son together. Al her deceased husband didn't care who the father was he just loved her. That love would now be called cuckery by some shitty people but I still think it's genuine and sweet. However Brand didn't listen to Quilt and went after the Vigilante. He finds out where he's gone and it's Coney Island. They get into a giant fight on a damn rollercoaster and well let's just say Brand won't be a reoccurring villain. 

The Vigilante then goes to Quilt and Quilt is like YEAH I GOT ALL THE JUDGES BOUGHT OUT but Vigilante said that with the information in the file she stole that his own Grandmother would put him under. He also says she never intended to use it. He then says he did it all to see his son again. Tommy was what he wanted. He reaches for a gun but THE VIGILANTE IS F ASTER and BLAM Quilts fuckin dead. Man this was a fun issue. Great fight scenes. great art. A villain you want to see get shot in the ballsack (but is still more than a two dimensional character). This issue shouldn't be too hard to find in most comic stores and shouldn't be too expensive. It's worth getting for your collection!

FINAL VERDICT: I really really enjoyed this. A fun set of villains. Lot's of action.. A COOL FUCKIN MOTORCYCLE. I want to see where Adrian Chase ends up now. A great start for a series. 

Ranking Every NES Game From Worst to Best Part 4 (Games #739 - 730)

 

Here we go again! That's right it's time for some more piss poor mini-reviews of some piss poor NES games that you should never play. Hey that's what happens when you start worst to best. We will get to the stuff I like around game 340 or something. Yeah the NES had a lot of poo-poo on it. So let's discuss said poo-poo!

Game #739: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: I'm surprised that this is the first time I've talked about the Killer Tomatoes on this blog. It was a series of four silly ass comedy movies that came out around 1978 to 1992 I believe. They even had a cartoon show on fox. John Astin plays a crazy scientist in at least three of them and is the best part! I just want you to know that Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is a fun series of movies and I vaguely recall the animated series which is what this game is based on. I'm sure said series was way better than this game. It was made by Imagineering which might have made the worst platformers for the NES. I think there's like one game I kinda like from them. Not a good company. THQ published the game for them and THEY also suck wet ass. They don't even get some nice dry ass to suck. This game is awful for the same reason say Swamp Thing for the NES is awful. Stiff annoying play control. The graphics are fine, the music is fine. I don't remember too many poorly designed levels. It just the play control is like controlling a lead balloon. it's not fun.

Game #738: Swamp Thing. I think this game has the worst controls of any game on the NES. It controls like too tightly and also too loosely. It's hard to explain. It's like they wanted to see if they could go for both kinds of bad controls and they succeeded in that part. Again I actually like the music and the graphics are still good. It's just those shitty garbage play control. 

Game #737: The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man: Man you'd think by 1992 that game developers would have known how to make a NES game. Like you'd think they'd have learnt from their mistakes and would be putting out stuff that's worth a fucking shit, but nope. This was the third in the trilogy of Bart Simpsons games, this time making him Bartman. I think Bartman actually appeared on the Simpsons tv show like once. I mean the Good Simpsons because I have no idea what they are doing with the beloved family these days because I cannot watch it anymore. This however is a review of the video game and not me bitching about the last two decades of a TV show (wow it's actually been more than two decades of bad Simpsons now) This is another Imagineering gem. So you know pulling off the Superhero moves that Bartman has is as easy as pie. And by pie I mean ITS FUCKING FRUSTRATING.  This game somehow outdoes every other Imagineering games controls and I didn't think that was fucking possible! 

Game #736: The Simpsons Bart Vs the World. Some people seem to have positive memories of these games and I don't see how that was possible. I had a copy of Bart Vs the Space Mutants (or I rented it because it was the Damn Simpsons, DAMNIT!) and I don't think it ever got played that much. The games were something I could tell were poor even back then and I'd willingly play and watch just about anything. You have the same shit controls every other piss ass Imagineering game has and I'm glad I only have like one more of there games that are unplayable to play.

Game #735: Ren and Stimpy Buckaroo$. I think this is the first time I've mentioned Ren and Stimpy on this blog too. It was a cartoon I thought was amazing as a youngster but I really don't get today as an adult. It's one of the few things I'm baffled that I liked as a kid. I saw one scene recently of Ren just ripping his gums out and wondered where the hell the joke was. It was just HEY WE ARE DOING SOMETHING GROSS and we forgot the joke but don't worry about it! This was the only Ren and Stimpy game on the NES and yes the NES was still making games in 1993. This game not only has the awful play control of every other Imagineering game but it also has awful level design AND awful weapons. Ren gets this stupid slap that you have to get right next to some bad guy to use and WOW YOU ALSO GOT HIT. THANKS ALOT YOU SHUTTERING BUG FUCKERS. Imagineering is the worst company to make games for the NES and the worst fucking thing that New Jersey ever gave the world. Fuck them in the ear with a rotten dildo. I don't know how the dildo got rotten but it did fucking hell ass shit.

Game #734: Ghostbusters: When I got my second NES in 1998 I was given this game along side like 20 others (one of them I believe was Snow Brothers! Wild huh!) and I thought it was the worst game ever made for the NES. Now I like it a little better. I think it was clear they were trying some things that I don't think they could pull off that early in the NES' lifespan. It's just the game is still really boring and also frustrating as hell. There's one segment that could have been removed all together of the driving. You hit any of the drivers in that segment and you lose money. You don't go fast enough and you lose fucking gas which you have to go off to get and THEN have to do the driving segment again. You also have to buy your equipment which is just weird. It always took too long to get the money you needed and if you were lucky enough to get into the Gozer Building it was fucking impossible to go up the stairs due to how slow the Ghostbusters moved. We got a game based on the second movie and sadly it is not much better than this one.

Game #733: Ghostbusters II: This game is a little better than the first but we are still in the section of awful horse shit. It just means this is just a tad less awful than the last game. None of the games in this section are even playable really. Unless you enjoy sadism against yourself (yes I know there an actual word for it but "sadism against yourself" is funny to me so I'mma keep on using it)  This game has some awful music and some awful graphics but what really ruins it is the fact that the play control is awful. So fucking stiff and not fun. You do get to play a better driving stage than the first game but it's still very annoying. 

Game #732: Mickey Mousecapade is the worst Disney game on the NES. I am a big fan of most of them so you will see them high up on this list. However I just had to throw this one in here because this is my list and I fucking hate this garbage shit game that makes me puke. The game has fine graphics and decent enough music, but what brings it down is the fact that you play as Mickey AND Minnie, if minnie dies because you messed up YOU BOTH DIE. Fuck this game right hard in it's mouse ass. Actually don't do that because it's really gross. Just don't play this game.

Game # 731: Back to the Future 2 and 3: This could have been a good game really if it was just for one thing. A fucking map secreen. You have to go all over the place collecting items via mini games and then put them back in the right area. It's a LARGE fucking map and you WILL get confused. Not to mention you have to bring them back to the right area in time. Not a bad concept, just horribly done and will leave you annoyed to fuck.

Game #730: Back to the Future: This is another game that could have been neat but really isn't. It's several dumb mini games that are not fun to play (I've never made it past the first one) that are at best Atari level. That's being nice too. I would not waste my precious time playing this game. The non-mini game stages are really boring and samey. There's also the fact that you HAVE to beat the Final Stage in one go or you lose. No matter how many lives or continues you had. That's just some mean fucking shit. So in the words of Biff Tannen this game needs to make like a tree and get outta here.

Wow. All of these games were based on a license. Huh. Wild. Anyway enjoy me yelling at some dumb games.

Comic Review #79: Darkhawk #5 (1991)

 

Alright! It's finally time to get back to Darkhawk! Hopefully I can do Darkhawk (and Vigilante reviews) among the other stuff I want to do for THE COMIC REVIEW. I don't want it to go another several months before I talk about him again but I don't want them to be the only two comics I talk about. The last time I talked about Darkhawk was in August! I need to keep some kind of list of upcoming reviews. Even if it's just for me. Anyway today we are going to discuss the fifth Darkhawk comic! There are I believe 50 regular issues and 4 annuals. We will be done with Darkhawk sometime around my 47th birthday if we are going to keep doing it at this rate. That'll be 2032. And we still won't have Flying Cars or Robot bodies but someone will have talked about every issue of an obscure comic book which really to be fair is not a good trade off.

So what happened the last time we discussed an issue of Darkhawk huh? Well he went up against his first Super powered foe of his own. That's SAVAGE STEEL. A very late 80s/early 90s character. Mostly in his design. I do like the fact that he's controlled by crooked cops. I'm sure something interesting will happen with that. We ended the last issue with Chris Powell taking off the Darkhawk mask and freaking the fuck out. So let's see what he's freaking the hell out about! And we get a cop out...he has a freak out and before we can see anything a sheet lands on his head. Okay yeah, I'm not a fan of that! Of course it's something that comics end up doing, I'm sure we will see his face but man couldn't you guys come up with a better way of keeping the suspense?

Anyway he decides to leave the house and startles the guy I believe is there to kill his mother. So that's a good thing. He then realizes he can't chase after the car but he can go to the ruins of the amusement park to talk to St. Johnny, a homeless man who said he knew the last Darkhawk. He says some cryptic shit and nothing is really accomplished! Damnit man is this gonna be something that drags on forever or what?  I would have been more into "oh man whats gonna happen next?" if you actually got to see how ugly Darkhawk's face is. Anyway I guess Chris and his family go to the Museum and they are attacked by the damn hitman and after he chases after the Hitman fucking PORTAL comes out of a Portal and we get a great little fight after Darkhawk asks him some questions about him. We get to know something about Portal here which is way more than the face stuff. NO I'M NOT GOING TO LET THAT GO.  The fight is really good actually. Portal has all these weapons (of course one of them is a huge fuck off 1990s comic gun but hey it looks better than how Rob Liefeld would draw it). We learn he can travel the multiverse AND is a Native America. Much more than what the face reveal. I ALREADY TOLD YOU I WON'T LET IT GO

Darkhawk pretty much ruins the HELL out of Portal's day at the end of the fight. Darkhawk was pretty much getting his ass kicked until the end of this. Yeah, Portal thinks this Darkhawk is after him so we learn a third thing about him. Portal gets his ass knocked out and Darkhawk tries to go after the Hitman who is still there in the museum like a complete idiot. Anyway he catches him but has to let him go so he can turn back into Chris Powell. Chris Powell was shot in the leg by the hitman earlier and passes out. He wakes up in the Hospital and his mother is talking about how it's just a flesh wound. We also see some Guardsmen from the Vault talking about Portal and Darkhawk. Apparently Portal fought the Avengers and I don't remember that issue at all. It had Puma AND the U-Foes who are some of my favorite obscure characters. 

FINAL VERDICT: I didn't like the face reveal stuff. It just screams "oh shit I shouldnt have ended the last issue like that!" and not a good way to keep the mystery going. Still I'm interested in whats up with Portal and other Darkhawks, and I liked the fight. Not as good as the first four issues but still pretty good. I'm a little irked but still into the story. Let's hope it's not June before I tackle issue #6

Comic Review #78: 3-D Man (Reviewing A Character #1)

 

So we are doing something a little bit different with the COMIC REVIEW today. Today we are REVIEWING a character! That's right! The characters comic history and everything related to them. I've decided to pick an obscurity because those guys are the most interesting to talk about. I'm sure I will do Spider-Man to talk about his wonky history throughout the past 60 years. I picked 3-D Man because If I'm being completely honest he is without a doubt the worst Marvel character I've heard of. Yeah I say Deadpool is the worst but if you were to honestly ask me I could say "Yeah I don't think 98% of the characters humor works for me but I can't deny that it somehow works for others". I legit don't see how 3-D Man could work for anyone. 

Despite a cool ass cover for his first appearance by Jack Kirby he lasted a whole 3 issues in Marvel Premiere, an anthology series where different characters would appear in it. The first year or two were pretty good giving us the first appearance of Iron Fist, you know a character people actually like (but somehow I've seen people online give this guy praise.) He got an appearance in the most useless issue of the original What If? series.  #8 I think. The 1950s Avengers. Yeah I love ya Roy Thomas but that doesn't work. You already took the worthwhile Golden Age characters for The Invaders. No one cares about any of those guys. One of them did help bring apart Quasar but before that he was useless and bad. I will stick up for Gorilla Man though, because he's a Gorilla and a Man. He appeared in one issue of Bill Mantlo's like at LEAST 50 issue run on the Incredible Hulk and wouldn't it surprise you to know it's probably the worst (but Bill probably wrote the best 3D Man story out there) 

It wasn't the original 3D Man but in the late 1990s Kurt Busiek and George Perez started work on Avengers and they tried to update him into the character Triathlon. He was a black dude and while I remember a lot of that run I can't remember that character (who'd of guessed that he would have f ailed too?) I'm going to guess he was an ANGRY BLACK MAN which despite Kurt Busiek and George Perez being talented guys still felt unauthentic and really sad. Let actual black dudes write angry black men. I know he was related to the ongoing cult that had some kind of political power that helped them get away with a lot of stuff and the Avengers couldn't do anything. It was actually an interesting story overall but Triathlon was the worst part. Plus his name is also shit. 

So why does this character suck so badly? Let's go over his powers first. He's 3 times as fast, strong and smart as a random dude! That random dude was army man Chuck Chandler. Yep. He's already weaker than most heroes AND villains in the Marvel Universe. Oh and to even come to life and fight his brother has to wear a special kind of 3D glasses that Chuck is trapped in somehow or something? I should have actually re-read his first appearance but I don't care enough to go looking for it online because it's one of the few comics from the 1970s that I got rid of. That's right. I liked 3D Man so much that I got rid of his comic. I don't feel bad about it either. I feel bad that I got rid of Hogan's Heroes and Lassie comics but I didn't give a shit about Marvel Premiere #35. He can live on the 3D PLANE OF LIFE for 3 hours thanks to those Glasses. Yeah so he can maybe figure out half of the bad guys plot before he has to go away for 24 more hours. He can see Skrulls even when disguised which yeah helps but doesn't make up for the fact the rest of his powers suck balls.

Another issue is that four of his five stories take place in the 1950s. Despite having some things within it that I enjoy I believe the 1950s was THE most boring decade of the 21st Century. Every other decade has a unique feel that can make a story work better. The 1940s can have your character punch Hitler in the dick. That's always great. The 1960s has a lot of stuff. 1900s, 1910s, 1990s, 1980s all of them work better to put your character into and are so much more interesting. Roy Thomas just picked the 1950s because that was a part of his childhood, he would have been like 10 to 19 during those years. That's it. I don't know what else to say.

Oh, and his costume is fucking hidieous. It doesn't remind me of 3D related stuff. This is a guy who should show up around Christmas called CHRISTMAS MAN. Of course I don't really have much nostalgia or care towards 3D related stuff to be fair though. When I think of Red and Green I see Christmas or Freddy Kruger. Two things that are much more entertaining than 3D Man. The final reason is the character was just two boring assholes and I doubt if he was around for 4 decades and had as many appearances as Spider-Man would he ever improve on that. He's a bag of shit and I'm glad he doesn't show up any more. He's not good enough to be good and he's not even bad enough to be hilarious. He's just boring as fuck.

FINAL RATING: If 10 is best of the best and 1 being a character played by Scott Baio. I would rate 3D Man a 2. He's better than Scott Baio. So is Deadpool. Fuck Scott Baio.

THE YEAR 2022 FOR THE FUN TIME COOL BLOG OF ENJOYMENT!

 So what's up with this blog going into the new year...

Well as you can see from my last post I plan to stay away from Twitter (and also trying to lose weight) so you may end up with even more posts than usual.

I might actually try to do what I can to get more people posting here because interacting with you guys is 50% of the fun. I mean I do enjoy sitting down and watching this stuff I review (for the most part) I just would like a little bit more interaction. I guess I'll have to start posting on other blogs that still get updated these days.

I will still discuss comic books but it might just be mostly Darkhawk and Vigilante for the most part. I'd like to get those down pat.

I will still post about NES games. And Final Episodes.

And movies. I'll probably try to do them in some kind of order, like Final Episodes then NES then a movie then a comic. I say this but I'll probably just go all willy nilly like I usually do. Discuss whatever works for me at that moment. 

Anyway expect a review of something very soon and enjoy New Years Day!

A Review of Twitter or Why Internet 1.0 was better or Reasons for me to fucking Quit this stupid website.

 

I think that the first thing I gotta do is talk about how much I hate the last week of the year. I'm never sure what day it is. It all goes together in a slog. It's horribly boring. If we could literally skip from Christmas to January First I would be the happiest man a live. The thing that gets me each year is this time of year all I end up thinking about is how I wasted the year before hand not fixing many of the issues I have as a human being. It's stuff I don't want to talk about on this silly lighthearted blog where I talk about Charles in Charge and silly comic books from the past. I'm writing this mostly for one person that that person is me. It's a reminder that you will do at least one positive thing for your mental health next year and that is not use twitter. So I will bring the reasons why you will not use twitter here.

#1: You get too little words to use in one single tweet. I'm a wordy bitch and 280 is not enough to change anyone's mind. I'm not even talking about serious things like say an anti-vaxxer or something. It's not even enough to change peoples minds on frivolous things like comic books or if Mama's Family was a good television show or not. Yeah you can make tweet threads but you know for a fact most people stop reading after the first tweet. I know I do. Also some times these threads are put together in the wrong order which I'm sure is Twitters doing to keep you from reading the entire thing and just tweeting snarky comments.

#2: You are just thrown in there willy nilly. With Facebook you can make sure that people see what you post easily. You let your friends in or co-workers or whatever. Hell if you want to let in the crazy homeless man who somehow has Facebook into your friends list you can. However with twitter that is not the way. You like one persons post and then you get 32,000 others. No one has the time to see if all of those people are actually worthwhile and not crazy. You just find more and more people to argue with over stuff that's pointless really because of the way the sites set up.

#3: If you step into political twitter you will become a crazy person. Ok, let's imagine two human beings. One is a left winger who is really into making sure say, transgender people have a positive life doing what they want in life. The other person is a right winger who say wants limited government and the lowest taxes possible. These are for the most part two human beings you can get along with. They don't automatically go for your throat if you say "I sure do like the African American Spider-Man character marvel came up with" or "I laughed at the movie Porky's when I was a teenager and it still has a nostalgic place in my heart". They won't jump down your ass for those comments and yes people will jump down your ass for those comments on twitter. It's like what the hell? The echo chamber and algorithm will have these two reasonable people screaming about how Joseph Stalin was a perfect human being and his version of Communism should be put up all over the world or how every person who isnt the whitest person who ever whited should get out of America. In other words they will become extremists within a month. Two tops. The fact I didn't become some kind of crazy extremist I'll never know how.

#4: Nothing you say really matters. You are one person in a drop in the ocean of hundreds of thousands of people. Any thing you say will probably get ignored or you will get some person who obviously needs mental help yelling at you about lizard people. 

#5: It makes you feel like you have to say something about every thing that happens. Okay let's go and say some famous person says something stupid. Or sorta famous. or kinda famous within some hobby you have. It's just something stupid and not really worth making a fuss about. It's not even the most offensive thing ever posted. It's something that someone posted something a little ignorant because they didn't know better. It's not like someone posted something horribly awful knowing full well it was awful. No you just feel you have to post something and if you are already having a bad day you'll probably yell at this person and then its a big kerfuffle.

#6: I don't know what to call this. I do not like the term Cancel Culture. It feels to me that it's not the correct term. Yeah people yelled at JK Rowling and Dave Chappelle and we can argue until the cows come home over what they said but regardless if you wanted them gone or not it won't happen. They make people a lot of money and when you make people money you literally have to kill someone / jerk off in someones face like Louis C.K. (who is also making a comeback  weird huh). I don't know what to call this but I don't like the term Cancel Culture for it. I don't think it's good to call it Consequence Culture either because I like trying to get people to agree with me when it comes to things like people getting rights and all that. I don't know what to call it but it's something that doesn't seem to work (at least on any celebrity that makes someone money. I'm sure you could pull out someone who's like a C-List dude who got thrown out or something like Apu from the Simpsons). I don't know why I made this post but I did.

#7: You can argue with some dopey idiots but you will just end up helping them: I don't do it a lot on this blog (I did a few times earlier on in the blogs history) but I don't like Comicsgate or the Fandom Menace people who yell at wokeness in new popular culture things. It's not only that they are wrong in feeling "wokeness" (a stupid nebulous made up term that can mean anything to anyone but thats for another rant I hope I don't have to make.) they also harass people who work on these things for a weird degree. Like these people need to just give it up and realize these things have changed and if they don't like the changes to move on. Not to forget that a lot of these things like say comic books already took on serious issues decades ago and holy moly people may want to take on the serious issues of today. or at least issues they deem serious. The way twitter is made that any argument you have just helps these people find more people like them. Like for example this guy named Bradley April (I'm not using his real name because I really don't want too) who hates vaccines and masks and all that stuff during a pandemic. He also complains about pop culture stuff too but any argument with him will just help him find another 42 losers and not actually change anyones mind.

#8: You don't actually fix any problems via twitter. It doesn't matter if you are left wing, right wing, in the middle, against captialism, for captialism, for LBGT characters in fiction, against them, whatever. None of the arguments you have on twitter will fix any problem. You're just spitting into the wind hoping not to get any on you. It's pointless and insane to even try. Any problem that big won't be fixed on a platform that mostly causes you to get into arguments.

#9: It makes me feel like piss and shit and puke all mixed into portnoyd's probably very dirty toilet. At one point it was legit fun to argue with goofs and dopes until I realized it helped the big people at the top of these big goofy arguments like Comicsgate or Gamergate or fucking hell stop calling everything gate. Jesus. Also the amount of people who were so insanely stupid just got to me. It was an never ending line of complete idiocy. Yeah I'm sure some of them were bots but way way too many of them weren't. I just feel shitty whenever I go to twitter now. 

So yeah, on January 1st this year, I plan to change the password on my twitter account to something insane and log out. I will have to do this for my own sanity. I know that I can do this and end up feeling better. I hope to actually fix a lot of stuff this year but this is the first one I know I can do. I will beat the Twitter beast that feeds on my dopamine. I was a complete idiot for ever joining it. This talk of Twitter just makes me miss weirdos of Internet 1.0 all they did were try to have sex with a Realdoll that looked like the Baroness from GI Joe or want to hump Ms Brisby. Those people were funny. QAnon people scare the shit out of me. Anyway this pointless shit took some time away from my least favorite part of the year and I'll always be thankful for that. I need to put this somewhere where I can always see it to remind me to stay the fuck away from Twitter.

Ranking Every NES Game from Worst to Best (Part 3 - #749 - 740)

 

Alright peoples! It's yet again another look at 10 NES games. I will yell about how bad they are and portnoyd will pick up for at least one of the games because he is a dopey idiot. 

Game #749, #748, #747, and #746: Sesame Street 123, Sesame Street ABC, Sesame Street Big Birds Hide and Speek, Sesame Street Countdown: Yeah I'm combining these here because I have only two things to say about these games. They are dull as dishwater and also somehow a slog to beat. They have good music and that's about it. I would not touch these games with a 50 foot pole.

Game #745: Dirty Harry. This is a really bad game based on a great series of movies. Yet another wasted license. You have to press A AND B to jump. Up and A to kick. I didn't even know you could kick in this game. The controls are awful. The level design is even worse. It's all kinds of mazes and shit. That would be fine if you could tell one area from the next. It all blends in together like some kind of rodent feces and is unpleasant to play or look at. 

Game #744: Predator: Hey! Look it here! It's another awful ugly shitty game that is based around a great movie. The controls are awful. the music will make you want to jam a pencil in your ear and the graphics are  atrocious. Arnold wears a pink suit in this game for some reason. I guess he's all like FUCK CAMOFLAUGE. You get a jarring set of Big Levels where you are well BIG and take up half the screen and have to shoot shit. This would be a nice change of pace every few levels when it happens if these Big Levels weren't also boring as fucking shit. Also some of the dumbest and worst level design and you can easily trap yourself into an area where you HAVE to kill yourself via the grenades which is If I recall correctly the default weapon. I somehow beat this game because I'm a sadist but only against myself.

Game #743: Secret Scout: I do believe that Color Dreams tried hard. They wanted to do the best they could, BUT they never ever did. This game tries to be large and epic and that's always a good thing but it fails the way pretty much every Color Dreams game made like this fails as it has the worst play control period. You pretty much have to jam every button to get them to start do any kind of move and it feels so floaty. Your character pretty much feels like he could fly off into the air at any moment. Fighting enemies is annoying and impossible. You can easily go from full health and lives to one life beating a single random enemy. This game is also maze like and every area ends up looking the same. Not even different colors to help you out.

Game #742: 8 Eyes. This was a really bad Castlevania clone. You got to control a bird and a dude. You can send the bird off but it won't do anything without a second controller I believe. I've never tried to play as the bird because I don't like this stiff ugly game enough to try it. I've never been able to get to ANY of the bosses in this game because your character moves so slowly. Apparently you get to have tea with the bosses. Oh and the games this company Thinking Rabbit (they programmed this game and Seta put it out) made are insane. They made a Casablanca game. A game called Madeline (I wonder if that was based on the series of books or tv cartoon with the little girl in the yellow hat) and something called A Clown Murder Game. I think I might have to play A Clown Murder game. The fact you drink tea and Clown Murder is the only reason this game doesn't get ranked lower.

Game #741: Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure: Holy fuck is this a game I wish I could like. I really seriously 100% wish I could enjoy this game and not get angry as bloody black fuck over it. I don't even know what a bloody black fuck is but it describes this game. First off you get these tokens to play around in a phone booth and you can easily lose all of these fucking tokens before you can even get into a fucking level. I don't know what they were thinking but I'm pretty sure they were high when they were thinking it. Another huge problem is how fucking hard it is to find the thing you need to bring the historical figure back to their right time. You'll be jumping all over the place falling on your ass trying to find it and also not get fucked over by shitty enemies. Then you have to find the historical figure. Sometimes it's easy because hey that's abe lincolns hat and sometimes it's hard. The graphics aren't fantastic but they are better than most of the games on this list thus far. It's just some of the characters blend in with each other. The music is pretty good too. It just fails with the gameplay. I still play and try to beat this game but I never really have anything remotely close to fun doing so. I have to put it this high because it's Bill and Ted. I love those guys. 

Game #740: 10 Yard Fight. This is considered the worst sports game on the NES by alot of people apparently. At least thats what I remember from the HEYDAY of old NES sites. Anyway I don't like this game but I put it above the trifecta of SHIT known as Baseball-Tennis-Soccer because I'm able to at LEAST score a goal. I mean I want to end my play time after getting that one goal but it's still more than I'm able to do with those other games. I know these were very early Famicom releases so they were even older than the NES stuff but they are still really bad and not fun to play. I think the football guys run as slow as humanly possible in this game.

There you have it. 10 more games for the old Nintendo Entertainment System that no human being should have ever played. If you have a defense for any of these games I'd actually like to hear it because I don't see how any of these games aren't hot shit on a cold sidewalk. I don't even know what that means but playing these games have clearly scrambled my mind and I should just lie down for a while.

The Final Episode #104: Charles In Charge (1984 - 1985, 1987 - 1990)

 

Alright! It's finally time to get back to the crapola! I've been having a good time talking about these syndicated shows that I'm going to add one more to Syndication Silliness! I had forgotten about said show and I know I gotta talk about it. Still that show is not today's show. Today's show is another sitcom Charles in Charge. It started in 1984 and ended in 1985. That was the original run on CBS. I guess someone saw something in this show and they brought it back for syndication in 1987. I am now talking about it in 2021. Years are fun. Charles in Charge is not fun. It just might be the worst sitcom pre the year 2000. We all know that The Big Bang Theory takes the cake for worst overall.

The reason this is the worst is because of one man. Scott Baio. Scott Baio just might be the worst actor of all time. Some people try their hardest and just fail at it but you can see them trying. Scott Baio does not even try. I am amazed he got a career in acting. I mean it's not the most amazing career but it was still a career. He started on Happy Days, made the silly boner comedy Zapped (which I actually do love but thats because I have a complete love of all boner comedies) and this series. He also did some work on Arrested Development. It's more of a career than this guy deserves. So what is this show about huh? It stars a guy named Charles who goes on wacky adventures with Willie Aames (yes, the Bibleman) and some family he lives with. Woo. There's not much else you can say about this tv show, except that it's clearly the worst tv show producer Michael Jacobs was ever apart of.

So as is with other shows I've never seen an episode of, I try to watch at least two to get a feel for the show. I usually discuss both episodes here, one in one paragraph and The Final Episode in more detail but my god this show gives me less material than Mama's Family did. It's very not good. The first episode I watched revolved around the old plot of "Old Friends Come back into the main characters life and are assholes to the new friends he has made". Yep. They ruin a bike race for helping the school library get more books or some shit. Charles has to let go of his old friends and love his new friends. Blah blah. I will give this show one bit of praise and that is Willie Aames is VERY into his role. I wish they had given him better jokes but he's fucking into being the biggest dummy in the history of the situational comedy.

So the Final Episode entitled "Charles B Demille" came to us on November 10th, 1990. It starts out with Charles yelling at a clock. I bet that's what Scott Baio does a lot of these days "TRUMP WON THE ELECTION YOU STUPID CLOCK!!!!" but yeah. It turns out that the mailman is coming with a letter that says if he will get into Princeton or not. Yeah, this would work for several other shows but I sure as hell don't believe for a second they'd let this dunderfuck into Princeton. Anyway Buddy comes in and acts like a goofball until Sarah played by Josie Davis (this is where I would talk about things she's in but she's only been in some Lifetime movies and something called Mantervention which sounds really terrible but I have to watch,) She's bitching and moaning about the school having cut funds for a trip or some shit. She has the mail. Buddy gets it and opens up a random envelope from a Sorority House setting up a fundraiser! This has Charles mom (Ellen Travolta who I don't know if she's actually related to SUPER FAMOUS Joey Travolta or not!) tell her to do her own fundraiser.

She says she would need a good director to do a fundraiser thing and she looks for Charles to do it.  The grandfather character comes in and his actor was literally in every tv show made up until this point. No joke. Not many people can say they were on The Twilight Zone AND My Favorite Martian. I wish I were talking about those shows instead. He was also some general in Return of the Living Dead Part 3. So far he's my favorite member of the cast. We then get Buddy trying to wiggle in on running the talent show and getting 350 Dancing girls. I dunno I get a feeling that would get the funds. Anyway we go to the auditions and Charles' mom brings in some shitty old ventriloquist dummy and I'm surprised I spelt ventriloquist correctly. Wild. So Charles wants to do his act from the 5th grade with this ugly, ugly dummy. I thought it was gonna come to life and kill. I wish it had.

Anyway the snot nosed brother wants to do his magic act so we get to Nicole Eggert. This lady was in movies with Corey Haim AND Corey Feldman. I've heard that she slept with both of them but I do not know for sure. Anyway if this is true this makes her the coolest woman who ever lived. I mean who could say no to getting to sleep with BOTH Coreys? Truly the most magnificent thing on the world. She says some horseshit relating to the plot but I just wanted to mention her and her Corey love.  Wooie. Oh and Walter and Charles mom want to do a vaudeville song so he calls up his mother to write one about Charles mom shitty diner. Wooie. I really need to make sure the shows I talk about actually have interesting things happen. Oh and Charles finds out some guy called from Princeton and runs to talk to him. 

Oh no the Princeton professor has ONE NIGHT ONLY to be in town and it's the same night as the FUNDRAISER OF GOOD TIMES. Oh shit CHARLES HAS TO STUDY!!!!! If he doesn't direct the fundraiser will do poorly for some reason! WHAT WILL HE CHOOSE??? He chooses PRINCETON and Buddy has to direct! Oh no! So Buddy does some shitty crap with some Dancing Girls (you can really tell by this point I have checked out completely and barely care.) Charles is with the Professor who looks really familiar and I think is doing a Ronald Reagan kinda thing. I dunno. He makes some speech about some shit and it inspires Charles to go back and help direct the show! Ho ho ho! He wants to do his ventriloquist thing but Mugsy his dummy is gone so he has to use Buddy! This is actually the only good bit in this episode so I won't get angry at it. 

They do their dumb shit in the fundraiser. Buddy gets a dancing girl in there. It's all great and even the Princeton man shows up to tell Charles that this willing to do this he's willing to put in emotional commitment  for his students. Blah blab bloh. Yeah you can tell how little I care about this shit.  They do their tearful goodbye on the stage and blah blah blah end this damn show now. They then play a record of the theme song of the show. Weird. That's not even the end of the meta-ness of the ending.  Everyone starts hugging each other until we cut back to the house where Scott Baio plays himself and some weird shit making fun of the show pops up. Willie Aames then says This is your dream and any time you need us you can go to sleep and then go I DONT WANNA WAKE UP! He tries this and then the cast pops up and they start singing the theme song again. This show is stupid and I don't like it.

FINAL VERDICT: After how bad these two Syndicated sitcoms I've done are  I don't know if I want to even do the third one. Either way next time will be something else. This show was stupid and I don't like it.

Ranking Every NES game From Worst to Best Part 2 of 1,752

 

There's all kindsa stuff I want to get to before the end of this year. I want to still discuss those three Christmas comics even though most people would give up and wait for next year but I am not most people! I do hope I'm still doing this fantastic and wonderful blog in the next year but you never know what can happen. Anyway I asked myself what was it that I really wanted to talk about and well it was this! I haven't talked much about video games on this blog and I'm finding it a lot of fun. I get to yell at the games I hate and praise the games I love. I also get to annoy portnoyd a whole hell of a lot so that's good too. So let's get to games #759 to 750.

#759: Dragon Warrior: I debated with myself where to put this and I just had to be honest with myself and put it here. I fucking hate the first Dragon Warrior game so fucking much. It has aged terribly. I don't even know if I would have called it a good game in 1988 or whenever the fuck it came to North America. It's slow, clunky, takes forever to get any gold or levels. It's just simply not fun at all. It also took $10 of my vacation spending money that PISSES ME OFF STILL. Twenty years later! I am not a fan of that. I would emulate a game before spending what little money I had on it. This game I thought everyone in the "NES INTERNET SCENE" loves so why not spend the money. Holy shit were every one of those people wrong. I'm still pissed off about that. I could have spent that money on Three Stooges instead. Yes that's right people I'm saying Three Stooges for the NES is a better game than Dragon Warrior. You got a problem with that you can take it up with my asshole because I don't give a shit. I wonder if I had not played Super Mario RPG, Earthbound, Chrono Trigger, etc for the SNES would I have liked this game? I don't think so because it's still shit. The first upset of my list I know it but I gotta go with my heart and say Dragon Warrior can drink the piss out of my dick.

#758: Raid 2020: I have to mention this. If I could literally talk to anyone at the companies who worked on NES games the first people I would choose are Color Dreams/Bunch Games/Wisdom Tree. They have to have some really interesting stories. They were not one, not two, but three different companies during this time. I would watch a documentary movie or even a long YouTube video on these guys. Just saying if someone has the ablitily to do that you'd get my view! Anyway despite the weird admiration I have for people working in the unlicensed game companies due to the sometimes insane demands Nintendo would have for games, I cannot call very many unlicensed NES games very good. Tengen was a good company overall and Camerica made some cool shit too but most unlicensed NES games make me want to barf out of my asshole. I do not know how that's possible but they do. Take Raid 2020 for instance. This game has some of the ugliest graphics I've ever seen. Some of the worst music. Some of the worst level design. Some of the worst controls. It's all so bad that I don't even know where to begin except that playing with a dog turd would be more enjoyable. 

#757: Pesterminator: Oh hey, it's another unlicensed game.... this time it was based on a license, the uh mascot for a exterminator company someplace in America. This game wins for weirdest fucking license you could go for, even over the bible and 19th century literature. I can get seeing a religious kid wanting to play as Moses or a weirdo nerd kid wanting to play as Tom Sawyer, but not a single damn child wanted to play as a big weird dude who smashed rats on the head. He looks like a really off brand shitty character from the Golden Age of Cartoons. I am not a big fan of the Pesterminator mascot as you can see and I like the game even less. I somehow beat this game and I still don't know how. It has all the problems Raid 2020 does and it even has two more. Sometimes you can easily get stuck in place and not know how the hell to get out of it. And you have to kill every single fucking bug and rodent possible and some of those fuckers are so fucking small that you can't even see them. Fuck this shithole of a game.

#756: Baseball: Everything I know about Baseball I have learned from watching movies like Rookie of the Year, A League of Our Own, or The Sandlot. I probably learned of who many classic baseball players were because of that movie. I'm going to have a hard time rating most sports games because I find them dull as dishwater but I know that the original black box sports games were worst of all. These games were maybe JUST MAYBE a little better than fucking Atari sports games. I don't have much else to say about this game or the next two because they are so fucking boring and shitty.

#755: Tennis: I don't know a thing about Tennis except that they played it in the Chevy Chase movie Fletch. Watch that movie instead of every playing this game.

#754: Soccer: You see that review above. Replace Fletch with the movie Escape to Victory which is another great flick. It's got Michael Caine and Sly Stallone fighting to escape as P.O.W.S during a soccer match. Really damn cool and very well made, unlike this NES game.

#753:Wally Bear and the Just Say No Gang!: I'll give the unlicensed company this much. It was nice to try to get kids to stay off drugs. I don't know if it worked because this game felt like people who were making it were on drugs. Seriously look at the graphics of Wally Bears house. Also look at his mother and father. Those two were high as fucking kites. This game gets the honor of being lower than those other two unlicensed games because its so cornball it makes me laugh. There's some funny 1980s anti drug stuff in here. It's just mashed in with some of the worst and most annoying level design I've ever seen. There's levels where you don't need to do shit to beat and levels where you have to somehow get passed 82,000 enemies without losing your two hits. I beat this game because I enjoy sadism. Especially sadism against myself. Oh and the play control may be the stiffest shit I've ever seen on the NES. Amazing.

#752: Challenge of the Dragon: You'll be seeing a lot of unlicensed stuff pop up in the next posts on this topic. Many many of them will hit the absolute bottom of the barrel. This game was done I believe by Taiwanese company Sachen and just bought by Color Dreams. They did that for a few of there games and holy sweet mother of the Baby Jesus is this game not good. The play control is somehow loose as hell and incredibly stiff. It's like they wanted it to be the worst play control of all time. You also get some really ugly graphics and terrible music. Oh and awful level design. Get used to me saying all of those things over and over again because that's what happens. Not good.

#751: Adventures of Tom Sawyer: You know you'll see some weird stuff pop up on the NES but I still think the two games based on 19th Century literature are some of the weirdest. No kid wanted to even read this damn book and I doubt they wanted to play the game either. This was a game that was ruined because of wonky play control and the fact your stupid rock weapon you have for most of the game goes in a loop and is hard to hit enemies with. Those are the reasons this game is that far down on the list. It's not fun in any way. I don't want to talk any more about this game.

#750: Sesame Street 123/ABC: This is a sneak peak at the next post on this topic because It's probably going to be the rest of the Sesame Street games because they are all of the same quality. I'll give them this much the graphics are bright and colorful and the characters look like their live action counterparts. The music is really good, however that's where the positives go because these games go on forever and ever and are a slog to beat. They don't even techincally have endings. They just stop and start over, so you can forget because the game is so boring that you already beat it twice. They have many many games within one cartridge. This was a mix of two games already on the NES and I should have also axed this game from the rankings because I'll be ranking those two games too! Oh well. I don't even think small children would have much fun with this game but I guess I was wrong because they made several of these games. 

There you have it. 10 more awful games that are no fun to play. Games that make you want to pull out your ass hair and really do you want a reason to be fiddling with your asshole. No! no you don't. You need to get yourself in order and go find someone ELSE who wants to fiddle with your asshole, damnit! That's called sex. I think? I don't know what I'm talking about so I'm just going to end it here. Don't play any of these games. Fuck em.

Comic Review #77: DC Comics Presents #67 (1984)

 

I've talked about several Christmas comics for the First Cool Christmas Fun Time For Everyone To Enjoy! I haven't actually talked about a comic with the actual Santa Claus in them. Yes I talked about that Hulk comic where Rhino fights Hulk in a Santa suit but it's clearly not the real deal. So I decided to find one of my favorite Christmas Comics and give it a revisit. It was a hoot. You all know I love team up comics. The Brave and the Bold, Marvel Two in One, Marvel Team Up, and today's series DC Comics Presents. You always got TWO heroes for the price of one and they would always bring in some of the weirdest stuff from each universe of characters. So one Christmas they had Superman team up with Santa Claus because they fucking could that's why!

So I'm pretty sure we've already discussed two of the people who worked on this comic before. Len Wein and Mr. Curt Swan. So I suppose it's time to discuss E. Nelson Bridwell. This guy apparently knew every single thing about Superman period. If you needed to know something about Superman you just asked him. He also knew everything about Captain Marvel and apparently all kinds of stuff about Shakespeare and old poetry. He worked at DC comics from the late 1950s to 1987 when he passed away. Apparently he made a Lone Ranger parody that ended with the Lone Ranger being surrounded by angry natives. He then went "Look out Tonto we are surrounded" which Tonto replies with "What do you mean we, white man?" and I thought that was pretty funny honestly. He seemed to be a very well liked man in the comics sphere and I have to say all of his stories that I've read are very fun and whimsical which you know I like.

So how does this story start? With a damn child holding a gun getting ready to SHOOT a guy dressed as Santa Claus! Superman thankfully is right there but it doesn't matter because it's a toy gun that does nothing to the guy. The gun sends some small amount of radiation at the user hypnotizing them. Superman realizes he needs to help this kid so he puts him in his cape and flies his ass to the Fortress of Solitude. Superman uses one of his 86,000 alien gizmos to get the radiation away from him so that he can talk to the kid. The kid just tells him he found this gun and that he shot it and remembers nothing else. Superman uses his Super hypnotism to hypnotize the kid again and he gets a message that pretty much tells him that it's The Terrible Toyman who's up to no good within this story!

Toyman is a big fat weirdo who creates giant toys. He's great. I love him. I think he should fight Batman in a story. That would be a lot of fun. So he and Timmy the boy are flying away when the spaceship toy Timmy also had HITS Superman in the face with something. Probably kryptonite! This is where they find some ELVES and while they are bringing Superman to Santa's house we go to the Toyman who starts telling his plan to nobody because he's alone in the room. But that's okay because he's a Supervillain and they do that on the regular. He talks about the white dwarf star he found and used the power from it to put in his toys to cancel out Superman's powers. What a devious little shit!

Anyway it's time for Superman to wake up in Santa Claus' house! Superman then says how can this be real, he's never seen the workshop ever before. Santa tells him that's because he can make it so that no one sees it unless he wants them too. Santa Claus takes Superman and Timmy on an tour of the workshop. Showing them the communication  center where they watch all the boys and girls on the planet to see if they are being good or bad. They are also keeping an eye on that rapscallion the Toyman. Santa talks about how their are less of the old toys like Rocking Horses and stuff and this reminds Superman of a toy he had on Krypton that could make real things out of his brain waves. 

Superman and Santa and Timmy and the Elves all get on his sleigh and fly right straight to that son of a bitch Toyman. Superman smashes through the damn chimney to get at him and Toyman sends his toys after him. Superman is still weakened from the attack earlier so it's up to Santa to send his Toys after the Toymans! It's Toy Vs Toy! Superman believes they are powered by some bit of Kryptonite along with the White Dwarf Star. However Santa's toys have kicked his toys asses! Toyman is about to shoot Superman with his White Dwarf Star gun and BLAMM-O Santa sends out some marbles that the bumbling oaf Toyman slips on! He shoots a giant robot which sends said robot into the center of the earth because the guns power made it too dense. 

Superman melts the fucking shit out of Toyman's gun with his heat vision and that's that. His toys try one last time but Santa's are too powerful. Toyman never saw Santa so he's freaking the fuck out about where those Toys came from. Superman's like "There a gift bro!" as two cops come by to pick him up. Superman finds where he sent all the toys and goes to get every single one of them. He goes back to Timmy and Santa and gets hit with the Spaceship toy again but this time they wake up back in the North Pole. I dunno if I like this part because I think Santa should be able to trust SUPERMAN of all guys. He'd keep it a secret. Especially when it just goes to show Superman that Santa does exist when he goes home after bringing Timmy home because in his cape's secret compartment he finds the toy that Jor-El had created for him back on Krypton with a image showing Santa saying Merry Christmas to him. A weird ending doesn't keep this comic from being an incredible about of fun. I enjoy Curt Swan's art with help from Murphy Anderson's inks. It reminds me of Cracked Magazine for some reason. Like the John Severin art. I dunno. The story was a lot of fun too. I enjoyed the whimsical nature of the entire story. 

FINAL VERDICT: If you enjoy Team up comics or Christmas comics you should pick this one up as soon as possible. It's a very fun story.

Movie Review #74: A Madea Christmas

 

You knew it was coming! I knew it was coming! Now it's time for all of us to suffer, me most of all. Not only do I have to watch this movie but I have to read portnoyd's thoughts about my review! It's like a never ending cascade of shit. Right into my face. Yes, we've all heard of Tyler Perry by now. He makes comedies that are not funny and dramas that are hilarious. He writes and directs and produces his movies. He's a one man shit show star! Try saying that five times fast! Anyway,  I've long heard about Madea his most famous works and was curious about these movies. As you can see curiosity killed the cat in this situation. 

So this movie is about Madea and one of her many family members going to a rural town in Alabama to see her family member (Eileen in this case) see her daughter! What she doesn't know is that her daughter MARRIED A WHITE MAN! OH SHIT! She thinks he's the help you see! Now doesn't that sound like something you are sure to have seen from a sitcom made in 1958. I mean except for the mixed race couple. Oh and the town is trying to put on the annual Christmas Jubilee and the ex-boyfriend of the daughter (Lacy) wants to get back with her but he doesn't know she's married! Oh man! oh no ! OH MAN! OH NO! okay I can't fall back on that dumb attempt at a reference to a movie I haven't even seen all the time. There's also a minor plot point about the son of some rednecks being really smart.

The biggest problem with this movie is that Madea is a very unpleasant character. She is loud and obnoxious and she does that fast talking thing. Fast talking is impressive and it sold a lot of Micro Machines to people but it is not funny. She also mispronounces words which is also not very funny. The next biggest problem is that they hired Larry the Cable Guy to be Lacy's husband Conners daddy. Yep. You get two flavors of shitty garbage comedy for the price of one! Aren't you fucking HAPPY? I will say other than those two the acting in this movie is pretty decent. It does have Kathy Najimi and I like that rascally lady.

We all know this plot should never actually work as it has in the past, but it's very obvious here. The other times they did this OH MAN I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE MARRIED TO SOMEONE I HATE or DIDNT APPROVE OF or whatever the hell they had funny talented people in the roles so you were at least laughing even if the plot was foolish horse shit. This time you realize how obnoxiously stupid someone has to be to not get it. Yeah Eileen he's a fucking farm hand and she clearly let his family come to visit. Yeah. That makes so much sense to me, oh and he gets to live in the house with her and not come to her house at a set time. Oh yeah that makes sense. Jesus Harold Christ and all the saints the people in this movie are dumb as dirt. Oh and when her mother Eileen cuts down the tree they planted in memory of his grandfather SHE SHOULD REALIZE HE OWNS THIS FUCKING FARM YOU DIP SHIT IDIOT FUCKER.

MOVIE I DID NOT WANT TO FUCKING SEE LARRY THE CABLE GUY WITHOUT HIS SHIRT ON. NO ONE WHO HAS EVER LIVED ON THIS PLANET WANTS TO SEE THAT. NO ONE. THERE HAVE BEEN AT LEAST BILLIONS OF LIVING CREATURES WHO HAVE ROAMED THIS EARTH SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME AND NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM WOULD WANT TO HAVE SEEN THAT. WHY THE FUCKING JESUS HAROLD AND FUCK DID YOU PUT THAT IN THE MOVIE. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SLEEP AGAIN. THANK YOU FOR THAT TYLER PERRY YOU FUCKER.

I don't usually talk about editing of a movie because fuck I'm no editor. I don't know the ins and outs of that but I do know it's very jarring when your character is in a WACKY HIJINX situation like thinking the in-laws are members of the Ku Klux Klan and she's putting stuff up against the door to save her ass that you uh shouldn't cut to a the smart son's dad who now found out that the sponsorship for the Christmas Jubilee is from the place that built the dam that put them all out of business AND then after giving us that nice bit of information you cut back to the WACKY HIJINX where shes finished putting the stuff up. Oh okay it shows it twice so this might be a problem with the video of it I'm watching but I wouldn't be surprised if it was this poorly edited together either.

The dramatic moments in this movie do not work because the comedy is just too fucking goofy. They joke about farting and farts and then you have someone get saved from a car crash. It's just so off. It's like yeah you can bring comedy and drama together but it has to work with each other and maybe be done so much better. I felt I had to mention that flaw within this movie too.

FINAL VERDICT: Despite some decent acting from some cast members (not fucking Tyler Perry) this is still a poor piece of cinema. It's loud and obnoxious and really stupid. It mixes comedy and drama in probably the worst way I've ever seen the two combine. This movie is a wet piece of shit from the most diseased asshole out there  and is incredibly unpleasant. So expect me to review many more movies in this franchise because I like to watch the worst garbage in cinematic history. 

Ranking Every NES game From Worst to Best Part One (game #769-760)

 

Alright. This has been on my mind for a while so It's time for me to start up my OFFICIAL CORRECT AND GOOD RANKING of every NES game ever made. Let's get ready to yell at each other over video games! It will be cool AND good. Anyway there are 769 games if you take out the 34 released in Europe only (I will do a lists for them separately) and the 3 or so that were multi carts of 3 random NES games. Sorry but Super Mario/Duck Hunt/World Class Track Meet won't be rated as it's just 3 games that will already be rated within this silly thing. We will start with the most loathesome and awful games for the NES because it's fun to bitch and moan about them. 

GAME #769: Ikari Warriors. There are so many people who still think this is a good fun enjoyable game. I do not understand those people in the slightest. There was one YouTube guy who would review reviewers. Yes that's right. He reviewed a guy reviewing this game poorly and instead of being honest about the guy's review it was all about how much he was wrong for trashing Ikari Warriors. Well I'm sorry YouTube Man but this game blows shit. You play as the slowest character in game history and everything looks like pure trash. I do not enjoy playing this game even for a second which is why I rate it the lowest. I hate this game more than every other game for the NES which is also why it's on spot #769

GAME #768: X-Men. This is THE biggest waste of a license of all time. Can you imagine a cool NES X-Men game made by Sunsoft? Or Konami? Or Capcom? Or Taito? Or ANY OTHER COMPANY THAN WHOEVER THE HELL MADE THIS (LJN only published this and LJN will get some credit and higher rankings then most people will want.) Some guy who champions the shittiest games ever online and gets angry at Super Mario Bros. 3 in other words he's a damn contrarian about the stupidest thing in the world to be a contrarian about, old NES games. This game is incredibly ugly, clunky, hard to play, hard to want to play. You can just skip the bosses. I ran past one, grabbed the disk and they let you get there. Enemies will run up and shit all over your face until you are dead. You will want to kill them as soon as possible or get away from them. It's not fun to go up against Enemies. This game is asshole soup and I'm still very ashamed of myself for wasting the time it took to beat it.

GAME #767: Dragon's Lair. This game has nice graphics. A neat concept that is as close as you can get for the Arcade on NES. The music is fine and won't hurt ya. You're thinking wow this game should be around #250 or something. No this game has one fatal flaw that ruins the entire experience. They fucked up how fast your character can go and unless you are the most sadistic crazy fucker on the planet you will never get past the first screen let alone beat the game. The stuff they have you do is impossible do to how broken the movement of the character is. It's a shame too because I really want to like this game but I just don't. 

GAME #766:  Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends: This game is fucking terrible. The graphics are possibly the ugliest I've seen on the NES. Yeah they might have been trying to emulate the animation from the show but that still had charm. They completely failed there. This is another game where if you get trapped by an enemy they can butt fuck you until you die. You also have shitty shitty game control that just does not work. The games music will make you want to rip your ears off and flush them down a toilet. It also ruins what could have been a neat game based off a fun cartoon. I don't like it when they make shitty games based on things I like.

GAME #765: Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Yeah you knew it had to show up here. It's honestly as bad as everyone says. It's awkward to play. You don't even really have a weapon. I mean you have one but it kills bees and that's it. Dr. Jekyll moves very slowly making it hard to get away from things like bombs. It's a little better when you play as Mr Hyde but they ruin that by having you die if you get near Dr. Jekyll. I still think It's very weird that they made a game out of a book from the late 19th century but It's not even the only game based off a book from the late 19th century!

GAME #764: Conan: The Mysteries of Time: Yeah I had to include this on the first part of the worst fucking games because this game is fucking miserable to play from beginning to end. It has the worst controls of any video game I've ever played. You gotta press up to jump which is automatically a fucking deal breaker of the worst kind. You put those awful horse shit controls in a game with the ugliest looking graphics I thought could ever exist and the putrid music and you get a bag of shit that's on the bottom 10. Congrats you assholes.

GAME #763: Hudson Hawk: I am the one singular person on this planet who loves this movie. It was a hoot and a half from what I recall. A very silly comedy starring Mr. Bruce Willis. However this game is fucking awful. You have to move sceretly around four levels and it is fucking impossible to do it. Unless you are the greatest sadist of all time, which I think I might be. You will end up jumping on something that alerts guards to where you are. It is not possible to do anything but. You will want to ram your head into the TV and probably die instead of playing this game. It's also another one of these games I've somehow beat because I'm a lunatic.

GAME #762: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Hoo boy. I know many people would probably rate Home Alone the original game here but I would play that one over this one in a heart beat. You got your shitty stiff game control. Jumping in this game is a fucking pain in the ass. The music is blah and the graphics are just as blah. This game annoys me and I don't want to talk about it anymore.

GAME #761: The Simpsons: Bart Vs the Space Mutants: I hate this fucking game but I put it at this spot becuase I like the concept. It's kinda trying to beat a puzzley platformer where you have to remove or destroy items but it kinda gives up that concept in the second stage. Anyway the graphics are ugly and the music is weirdly memorable but not enough to save this game. The biggest problem again is the controls. To long jump you have to hold both A and B and that's fucking annoying. You'll see the issue of "fucking controls" showing up here a lot because fuck it.

GAME #760: Where's Waldo: Yeah, let's end this part off with the dumbest idea for a NES game. The books were fun but they do not translate. The music is bad and the graphics are what takes the cake. They are so bad you cannot tell what the fuck you are looking at. Is that ALF from Melmac or fucking Waldo? Who the hell knows. You gotta pick tho or you will lose time. Oh and if you pick the wrong thing you lose time. You'll be losing all the fucking time in the world playing this fucking miserable pile of shit.

There you have it: The worst 10 games on the NES. The next ten will not be much better but they will make me not want to jam something into my eyeballs so I do not have to see them ever again so they are at least worth something. Not a lot but something. 

Movie Review #73: Eight Crazy Nights (2002)

 

I wanted to discuss a Hanukah movie. Or tv special. I knew my pickens were slim but I felt that I should look at something related to the other holidays of this time of the year. The only problem is I can't even think or specials of movies for Kwanza or any of the others. It's Christmas with 9,000 and then Hanukah with...four. You got the Rugrats tv special, which is really good. At least from my memory. Then you get another Nickelodeon special this time based around the show Weinerville. I have not seen nor do I want to see anything related to Weinerville. It looks very bad. There's also the weird low budget slasher film Hanukah. I couldn't pick any of them because I was going for a theme of watching holiday movies that are also garbage so I went with Adam Sandler and Eight Crazy Nights.

Adam Sandler is a weird one. I think he can be very entertaining and funny when he tries but there's a clear moment when he just gave up. He clearly did a great job with Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore (and being a teenage boy at the time I will always have a fondness for the movies he made between 1995 and 2000) but he clearly gave up at one point. I remember thinking Little Nicky was okay. I haven't seen Mr. Deeds, but for some reason I've seen all of his really awful poorly made "I'm hangin out with my friends and we might make something resembling a movie because why not?" movies. I do actually thing this is the movie where he went "Yeah I don't give a shit anymore. I'm rich!" 

This movie is very lazy. It's the story of a guy named Davey who lost his parents as a kid and has not gotten over it. It's about him learning to actually cry over the whole thing. He gets in trouble with the law and some annoying turd named Whitey says he will help him become the new referee for Youth Basketball. Whitey wants to win the 35th shitty patch for assholes. It's called something else but I don't care. Davey runs everyone out of his life even Whitey before learning how to deal with the loss by singing Mascots for Foot Locker and Victoria's Secret. No I'm not joking about that. Yeah Adam Sandler had always used money for ad service in his movies but it was at least put in a way you could go "Yeah I can see why Subway is there." this is just ultra lazy. He learns to love again and gets Whitey the patch. Woohoo.

That's not the only problem with this movie. Before he has his moment Davey is probably the most despicable and unlikable and shitty protagonist Adam Sandler has ever played. Adam Sandler has two modes of comedy that can work well but when they work poorly they are so bad. He plays the comedic asshole or the comedic moron (this is why Jack and Jill will always be the worst movie he's done. You get both flavors of his comedy. In his "I don't care whatever" phase.) You don't give a shit if this guy does come to glory at the end. You just want to punch him in his unlikable  stupid face. Whitey (and his sister) are spineless assholes who let the shitty people of this town walk all over them. They also have the worst fucking voices I've seen in any cartoon ever. It's hard to feel sorry for him either. It also feels rushed that the entire town has finally seen how Whitey is actually a good guy at the end but whatever gets this shit over I'll take.

I'll give this movie a few things. It has some fantastic animation. I've never heard of any of the animation studios that had something to do with this movie. Well except for Warner Brothers Animation and I don't think I need to explain them to you fine people. Some of the songs are actually pretty nice (one is actually really nice until they decided they needed to have Whitey with the worst voice ever start singing). I uh laughed twice which makes it better than Christmas with the Kranks. I should take out those jokes for the deer licking a shitsicle with Whitey in it. Yes that happens in this movie. It's very mean spirited and not fun to watch.

FINAL VERDICT: Yeah this movie is a complete failure and is not fun to watch in the least. I will continue to watch Adam Sandler movies because I'm a fucking dope.

Movie Review #72: How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

 

So it's come to this. Well before we get into the 2000 How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Mr. Ronald Howard, let us discuss the history. The Grinch got his start in a book by Dr. Seuss in 1957. Nine years later Chuck Jones made the animated adaption (which I'm sure even beats the original book. It's that good.) and no one ever needed to make another thing involving the Grinch again because you cannot top perfection. Still they realized they could make money off it so we got many many more Grinch related things. This is not the worst movie I've reviewed this Christmas but it sure as hell is the most pointless. Well either this or Jingle All the Way 2. 

I think this movies coming to theatres just passed me by because the first time I remember seeing anything related to this movie was when we were over at my uncle's for Christmas. It might have been the first time the movie was even being shown on TV but that's where I saw maybe five minutes of this for the first time. I thought it was a terrible idea then and I couldn't have been any more older than sixteen. It's pretty sad when a sixteen year old could do a better job than Hollywood, but hey that's how it works out sometimes. Anyway I just never watched in it's entirety until I decided to torture myself with really awful Christmas movies.

The worst part of this movie is Jim Carrey himself. Jim Carrey can be funny (Dumb and Dumber) or he can make you want to shoot yourself (this movie.) It's all about how he gets used by the director. The Farrelly Brothers know how to use him pretty well. (I haven't actually seen Me, Myself and Irene but I hear it's pretty good.) Ron Howard has no idea when to tell him to calm his ass down and it comes off as very annoying. This might be his most annoying role. Although he has to go up against Boris Karloff and really is that anything anyone could do? I don't think so. The other part is that they stretch something that at beast was twenty four minutes of material into one hour and thirty seven minutes. They give him a pointless origin story (The Grinch is like say the Joker or Wolverine. We don't need to know the full story. It gives the character some mystique and that's needed for some characters. He's just a grumpy asshole who learns how to love Christmas.) that's honestly really lame. Yeah he hates Christmas and wants to destroy it because some asshole kids were mean to him. Yeah. Not a fan.

I'll give the movie a few things. I did laugh four times, well more like a chuckle with a smile. I will count chuckles as laughs to be nice since it's Christmas. I will always enjoy seeing Mr. Clint Howard in a movie and he's in this so that's another thing. The dog was a cute sweetheart and I loved him. The best part of the movie is the young child actress who plays Cindy Lou Who. That kid is literally acting her heart out and does a good job of it. She must be one of the better kid actors I've seen. I guess being in a movie was her life long dream at even that young of an age and she just knew she had to knock it out of the park. Or Ron Howard knew when to say cut and do it again for the kid. I don't know but she does a good job. Not saying Cindy Lou Who is the toughest role out there but she still does it very well.

FINAL VERDICT: This movie is pointless and very boring. It's also kind of annoying but It does have it's good moments which puts it streets and avenues ahead of Christmas with the Kranks or Last Ounce of Courage.