Ranking Every NES game From Worst to Best Part 2 of 1,752

 

There's all kindsa stuff I want to get to before the end of this year. I want to still discuss those three Christmas comics even though most people would give up and wait for next year but I am not most people! I do hope I'm still doing this fantastic and wonderful blog in the next year but you never know what can happen. Anyway I asked myself what was it that I really wanted to talk about and well it was this! I haven't talked much about video games on this blog and I'm finding it a lot of fun. I get to yell at the games I hate and praise the games I love. I also get to annoy portnoyd a whole hell of a lot so that's good too. So let's get to games #759 to 750.

#759: Dragon Warrior: I debated with myself where to put this and I just had to be honest with myself and put it here. I fucking hate the first Dragon Warrior game so fucking much. It has aged terribly. I don't even know if I would have called it a good game in 1988 or whenever the fuck it came to North America. It's slow, clunky, takes forever to get any gold or levels. It's just simply not fun at all. It also took $10 of my vacation spending money that PISSES ME OFF STILL. Twenty years later! I am not a fan of that. I would emulate a game before spending what little money I had on it. This game I thought everyone in the "NES INTERNET SCENE" loves so why not spend the money. Holy shit were every one of those people wrong. I'm still pissed off about that. I could have spent that money on Three Stooges instead. Yes that's right people I'm saying Three Stooges for the NES is a better game than Dragon Warrior. You got a problem with that you can take it up with my asshole because I don't give a shit. I wonder if I had not played Super Mario RPG, Earthbound, Chrono Trigger, etc for the SNES would I have liked this game? I don't think so because it's still shit. The first upset of my list I know it but I gotta go with my heart and say Dragon Warrior can drink the piss out of my dick.

#758: Raid 2020: I have to mention this. If I could literally talk to anyone at the companies who worked on NES games the first people I would choose are Color Dreams/Bunch Games/Wisdom Tree. They have to have some really interesting stories. They were not one, not two, but three different companies during this time. I would watch a documentary movie or even a long YouTube video on these guys. Just saying if someone has the ablitily to do that you'd get my view! Anyway despite the weird admiration I have for people working in the unlicensed game companies due to the sometimes insane demands Nintendo would have for games, I cannot call very many unlicensed NES games very good. Tengen was a good company overall and Camerica made some cool shit too but most unlicensed NES games make me want to barf out of my asshole. I do not know how that's possible but they do. Take Raid 2020 for instance. This game has some of the ugliest graphics I've ever seen. Some of the worst music. Some of the worst level design. Some of the worst controls. It's all so bad that I don't even know where to begin except that playing with a dog turd would be more enjoyable. 

#757: Pesterminator: Oh hey, it's another unlicensed game.... this time it was based on a license, the uh mascot for a exterminator company someplace in America. This game wins for weirdest fucking license you could go for, even over the bible and 19th century literature. I can get seeing a religious kid wanting to play as Moses or a weirdo nerd kid wanting to play as Tom Sawyer, but not a single damn child wanted to play as a big weird dude who smashed rats on the head. He looks like a really off brand shitty character from the Golden Age of Cartoons. I am not a big fan of the Pesterminator mascot as you can see and I like the game even less. I somehow beat this game and I still don't know how. It has all the problems Raid 2020 does and it even has two more. Sometimes you can easily get stuck in place and not know how the hell to get out of it. And you have to kill every single fucking bug and rodent possible and some of those fuckers are so fucking small that you can't even see them. Fuck this shithole of a game.

#756: Baseball: Everything I know about Baseball I have learned from watching movies like Rookie of the Year, A League of Our Own, or The Sandlot. I probably learned of who many classic baseball players were because of that movie. I'm going to have a hard time rating most sports games because I find them dull as dishwater but I know that the original black box sports games were worst of all. These games were maybe JUST MAYBE a little better than fucking Atari sports games. I don't have much else to say about this game or the next two because they are so fucking boring and shitty.

#755: Tennis: I don't know a thing about Tennis except that they played it in the Chevy Chase movie Fletch. Watch that movie instead of every playing this game.

#754: Soccer: You see that review above. Replace Fletch with the movie Escape to Victory which is another great flick. It's got Michael Caine and Sly Stallone fighting to escape as P.O.W.S during a soccer match. Really damn cool and very well made, unlike this NES game.

#753:Wally Bear and the Just Say No Gang!: I'll give the unlicensed company this much. It was nice to try to get kids to stay off drugs. I don't know if it worked because this game felt like people who were making it were on drugs. Seriously look at the graphics of Wally Bears house. Also look at his mother and father. Those two were high as fucking kites. This game gets the honor of being lower than those other two unlicensed games because its so cornball it makes me laugh. There's some funny 1980s anti drug stuff in here. It's just mashed in with some of the worst and most annoying level design I've ever seen. There's levels where you don't need to do shit to beat and levels where you have to somehow get passed 82,000 enemies without losing your two hits. I beat this game because I enjoy sadism. Especially sadism against myself. Oh and the play control may be the stiffest shit I've ever seen on the NES. Amazing.

#752: Challenge of the Dragon: You'll be seeing a lot of unlicensed stuff pop up in the next posts on this topic. Many many of them will hit the absolute bottom of the barrel. This game was done I believe by Taiwanese company Sachen and just bought by Color Dreams. They did that for a few of there games and holy sweet mother of the Baby Jesus is this game not good. The play control is somehow loose as hell and incredibly stiff. It's like they wanted it to be the worst play control of all time. You also get some really ugly graphics and terrible music. Oh and awful level design. Get used to me saying all of those things over and over again because that's what happens. Not good.

#751: Adventures of Tom Sawyer: You know you'll see some weird stuff pop up on the NES but I still think the two games based on 19th Century literature are some of the weirdest. No kid wanted to even read this damn book and I doubt they wanted to play the game either. This was a game that was ruined because of wonky play control and the fact your stupid rock weapon you have for most of the game goes in a loop and is hard to hit enemies with. Those are the reasons this game is that far down on the list. It's not fun in any way. I don't want to talk any more about this game.

#750: Sesame Street 123/ABC: This is a sneak peak at the next post on this topic because It's probably going to be the rest of the Sesame Street games because they are all of the same quality. I'll give them this much the graphics are bright and colorful and the characters look like their live action counterparts. The music is really good, however that's where the positives go because these games go on forever and ever and are a slog to beat. They don't even techincally have endings. They just stop and start over, so you can forget because the game is so boring that you already beat it twice. They have many many games within one cartridge. This was a mix of two games already on the NES and I should have also axed this game from the rankings because I'll be ranking those two games too! Oh well. I don't even think small children would have much fun with this game but I guess I was wrong because they made several of these games. 

There you have it. 10 more awful games that are no fun to play. Games that make you want to pull out your ass hair and really do you want a reason to be fiddling with your asshole. No! no you don't. You need to get yourself in order and go find someone ELSE who wants to fiddle with your asshole, damnit! That's called sex. I think? I don't know what I'm talking about so I'm just going to end it here. Don't play any of these games. Fuck em.