Movie Review #74: A Madea Christmas

 

You knew it was coming! I knew it was coming! Now it's time for all of us to suffer, me most of all. Not only do I have to watch this movie but I have to read portnoyd's thoughts about my review! It's like a never ending cascade of shit. Right into my face. Yes, we've all heard of Tyler Perry by now. He makes comedies that are not funny and dramas that are hilarious. He writes and directs and produces his movies. He's a one man shit show star! Try saying that five times fast! Anyway,  I've long heard about Madea his most famous works and was curious about these movies. As you can see curiosity killed the cat in this situation. 

So this movie is about Madea and one of her many family members going to a rural town in Alabama to see her family member (Eileen in this case) see her daughter! What she doesn't know is that her daughter MARRIED A WHITE MAN! OH SHIT! She thinks he's the help you see! Now doesn't that sound like something you are sure to have seen from a sitcom made in 1958. I mean except for the mixed race couple. Oh and the town is trying to put on the annual Christmas Jubilee and the ex-boyfriend of the daughter (Lacy) wants to get back with her but he doesn't know she's married! Oh man! oh no ! OH MAN! OH NO! okay I can't fall back on that dumb attempt at a reference to a movie I haven't even seen all the time. There's also a minor plot point about the son of some rednecks being really smart.

The biggest problem with this movie is that Madea is a very unpleasant character. She is loud and obnoxious and she does that fast talking thing. Fast talking is impressive and it sold a lot of Micro Machines to people but it is not funny. She also mispronounces words which is also not very funny. The next biggest problem is that they hired Larry the Cable Guy to be Lacy's husband Conners daddy. Yep. You get two flavors of shitty garbage comedy for the price of one! Aren't you fucking HAPPY? I will say other than those two the acting in this movie is pretty decent. It does have Kathy Najimi and I like that rascally lady.

We all know this plot should never actually work as it has in the past, but it's very obvious here. The other times they did this OH MAN I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE MARRIED TO SOMEONE I HATE or DIDNT APPROVE OF or whatever the hell they had funny talented people in the roles so you were at least laughing even if the plot was foolish horse shit. This time you realize how obnoxiously stupid someone has to be to not get it. Yeah Eileen he's a fucking farm hand and she clearly let his family come to visit. Yeah. That makes so much sense to me, oh and he gets to live in the house with her and not come to her house at a set time. Oh yeah that makes sense. Jesus Harold Christ and all the saints the people in this movie are dumb as dirt. Oh and when her mother Eileen cuts down the tree they planted in memory of his grandfather SHE SHOULD REALIZE HE OWNS THIS FUCKING FARM YOU DIP SHIT IDIOT FUCKER.

MOVIE I DID NOT WANT TO FUCKING SEE LARRY THE CABLE GUY WITHOUT HIS SHIRT ON. NO ONE WHO HAS EVER LIVED ON THIS PLANET WANTS TO SEE THAT. NO ONE. THERE HAVE BEEN AT LEAST BILLIONS OF LIVING CREATURES WHO HAVE ROAMED THIS EARTH SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME AND NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM WOULD WANT TO HAVE SEEN THAT. WHY THE FUCKING JESUS HAROLD AND FUCK DID YOU PUT THAT IN THE MOVIE. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SLEEP AGAIN. THANK YOU FOR THAT TYLER PERRY YOU FUCKER.

I don't usually talk about editing of a movie because fuck I'm no editor. I don't know the ins and outs of that but I do know it's very jarring when your character is in a WACKY HIJINX situation like thinking the in-laws are members of the Ku Klux Klan and she's putting stuff up against the door to save her ass that you uh shouldn't cut to a the smart son's dad who now found out that the sponsorship for the Christmas Jubilee is from the place that built the dam that put them all out of business AND then after giving us that nice bit of information you cut back to the WACKY HIJINX where shes finished putting the stuff up. Oh okay it shows it twice so this might be a problem with the video of it I'm watching but I wouldn't be surprised if it was this poorly edited together either.

The dramatic moments in this movie do not work because the comedy is just too fucking goofy. They joke about farting and farts and then you have someone get saved from a car crash. It's just so off. It's like yeah you can bring comedy and drama together but it has to work with each other and maybe be done so much better. I felt I had to mention that flaw within this movie too.

FINAL VERDICT: Despite some decent acting from some cast members (not fucking Tyler Perry) this is still a poor piece of cinema. It's loud and obnoxious and really stupid. It mixes comedy and drama in probably the worst way I've ever seen the two combine. This movie is a wet piece of shit from the most diseased asshole out there  and is incredibly unpleasant. So expect me to review many more movies in this franchise because I like to watch the worst garbage in cinematic history.