Alright peoples! It's yet again another look at 10 NES games. I will yell about how bad they are and portnoyd will pick up for at least one of the games because he is a dopey idiot.
Game #749, #748, #747, and #746: Sesame Street 123, Sesame Street ABC, Sesame Street Big Birds Hide and Speek, Sesame Street Countdown: Yeah I'm combining these here because I have only two things to say about these games. They are dull as dishwater and also somehow a slog to beat. They have good music and that's about it. I would not touch these games with a 50 foot pole.
Game #745: Dirty Harry. This is a really bad game based on a great series of movies. Yet another wasted license. You have to press A AND B to jump. Up and A to kick. I didn't even know you could kick in this game. The controls are awful. The level design is even worse. It's all kinds of mazes and shit. That would be fine if you could tell one area from the next. It all blends in together like some kind of rodent feces and is unpleasant to play or look at.
Game #744: Predator: Hey! Look it here! It's another awful ugly shitty game that is based around a great movie. The controls are awful. the music will make you want to jam a pencil in your ear and the graphics are atrocious. Arnold wears a pink suit in this game for some reason. I guess he's all like FUCK CAMOFLAUGE. You get a jarring set of Big Levels where you are well BIG and take up half the screen and have to shoot shit. This would be a nice change of pace every few levels when it happens if these Big Levels weren't also boring as fucking shit. Also some of the dumbest and worst level design and you can easily trap yourself into an area where you HAVE to kill yourself via the grenades which is If I recall correctly the default weapon. I somehow beat this game because I'm a sadist but only against myself.
Game #743: Secret Scout: I do believe that Color Dreams tried hard. They wanted to do the best they could, BUT they never ever did. This game tries to be large and epic and that's always a good thing but it fails the way pretty much every Color Dreams game made like this fails as it has the worst play control period. You pretty much have to jam every button to get them to start do any kind of move and it feels so floaty. Your character pretty much feels like he could fly off into the air at any moment. Fighting enemies is annoying and impossible. You can easily go from full health and lives to one life beating a single random enemy. This game is also maze like and every area ends up looking the same. Not even different colors to help you out.
Game #742: 8 Eyes. This was a really bad Castlevania clone. You got to control a bird and a dude. You can send the bird off but it won't do anything without a second controller I believe. I've never tried to play as the bird because I don't like this stiff ugly game enough to try it. I've never been able to get to ANY of the bosses in this game because your character moves so slowly. Apparently you get to have tea with the bosses. Oh and the games this company Thinking Rabbit (they programmed this game and Seta put it out) made are insane. They made a Casablanca game. A game called Madeline (I wonder if that was based on the series of books or tv cartoon with the little girl in the yellow hat) and something called A Clown Murder Game. I think I might have to play A Clown Murder game. The fact you drink tea and Clown Murder is the only reason this game doesn't get ranked lower.
Game #741: Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure: Holy fuck is this a game I wish I could like. I really seriously 100% wish I could enjoy this game and not get angry as bloody black fuck over it. I don't even know what a bloody black fuck is but it describes this game. First off you get these tokens to play around in a phone booth and you can easily lose all of these fucking tokens before you can even get into a fucking level. I don't know what they were thinking but I'm pretty sure they were high when they were thinking it. Another huge problem is how fucking hard it is to find the thing you need to bring the historical figure back to their right time. You'll be jumping all over the place falling on your ass trying to find it and also not get fucked over by shitty enemies. Then you have to find the historical figure. Sometimes it's easy because hey that's abe lincolns hat and sometimes it's hard. The graphics aren't fantastic but they are better than most of the games on this list thus far. It's just some of the characters blend in with each other. The music is pretty good too. It just fails with the gameplay. I still play and try to beat this game but I never really have anything remotely close to fun doing so. I have to put it this high because it's Bill and Ted. I love those guys.
Game #740: 10 Yard Fight. This is considered the worst sports game on the NES by alot of people apparently. At least thats what I remember from the HEYDAY of old NES sites. Anyway I don't like this game but I put it above the trifecta of SHIT known as Baseball-Tennis-Soccer because I'm able to at LEAST score a goal. I mean I want to end my play time after getting that one goal but it's still more than I'm able to do with those other games. I know these were very early Famicom releases so they were even older than the NES stuff but they are still really bad and not fun to play. I think the football guys run as slow as humanly possible in this game.
There you have it. 10 more games for the old Nintendo Entertainment System that no human being should have ever played. If you have a defense for any of these games I'd actually like to hear it because I don't see how any of these games aren't hot shit on a cold sidewalk. I don't even know what that means but playing these games have clearly scrambled my mind and I should just lie down for a while.
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