The Final Episode #107: He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (1983 - 1985)

 

This is a genuine surprise to me.  That I didn't talk about He-Man before this. I think It's because of my "oh that show is now in my head so let's find its Final Episode and talk about it" kind of deal and not any kind of planning out stuff. I mean I planned out a few Christmas episodes around Christmas and a few Syndicated shows after that but for about 106 of these I just picked whatever random show popped into my head at that moment and I like the flow of that honestly even if it ends up with me taking one hundred and seven posts to finally get to one of the most popular animated series of the 1980s and without a doubt Filmation's most famous animated project. Brace in folks this is gonna be a wild ride because I'm finally talking about He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.

So let's first start back in the beginning, the beginning of the animated studio Filmation. A company that got flack but had heart and it's own charm. Yes, this is your old buddy Michael sticking up for the admittedly cheap animation of the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s from internet people who want you to only look and appreciate and enjoy the newest animation from Disney. Your buddy Michael ain't like that and he ain't playing that game homey! These things are a part of animation history even if they were made to sell toys and yes I will not doubt that but they still had charm and heart to the animation. There's a reason ANIMATION TWITTER that they keep bringing this stuff back. It's not that it's just a money making thing it's that children and manchildren enjoy them!

So Filmation pretty much started with three men who worked for Larry Harmon Pictures. An animation studio created by a man named............Larry Harmon. I mean it's not really a surprise because it's in the name of his studio. Anyway he was himself a blow hard. The man claimed to have created Bozo the Clown (he didn't that was the original voice of Goofy from the Disney cartoons Pinto Colvig. He and Gaylord DeBois clearly have the most 19th Century names a person COULD have and I love them for it. He also claimed to be a good friend of Stan Laurel of Laurel and Hardy because of the cartoon he made of Laurel and Hardy but one of the last letters Laurel wrote was of wanting to sue that asshole. The asshole in question being Mr. Larry Harmon. His studio made Popeye cartoons, Mr. Magoo cartoons, and Bozo the Clown cartoons. I don't know what Popeye or Mr. Magoo cartoons I would watch as a kid but I'm going to assume it was a mix of the really old Fleisher and UPA stuff. I don't think I ever saw the Laurel and Hardy cartoon but I do know a video store used them kinda as mascots on their sign. Wild. I also never saw anything related to Bozo the Clown and probably only know Bozo the Clown because of Seinfeld. "YOU'RE HUNG UP ON SOME CLOWN FROM THE SIXTIES MAN!"

Anyway that long ass paragraph was necessary but with someone with talent and even an editor could have made way better but you don't come to this blog for that you come to this blog for weird half thought out ramblings about some random thing that popped into my head. Anyway Larry Harmon Pictures is where three men, Norm Prescott, Hal Sutherland and Lou Scheimer all met each other for the first time. And now you know how to connect the original voice of Goofy to the guys at Filmation. It really is a small world after all. Anyway they started in 1962 and their first project or what they wanted to be their first project was Journey Back to Oz but that would not come to fruition until 1972. They mostly did commercials until I believe CBS called them to do a Superman cartoon. They said yes but the major hitch was DC Comics wanted to check out their company which had at that point all 3 men who created it would always be there so that if debtors were calling they would never get to talk to same man twice. They weren't in a great place.

Still they actually fooled DC by getting their wives and siblings and any person they could to show up there and pretend that they were working on things. They even got an animator from Hanna-Barbera to show up for half a day before he pretended to have a toothache to leave. It worked and they got the Superman show. Then a Batman show. and Aquaman. Then Archie. Then Fat Albert. Then He-Man. Okay yeah there's a ton of stuff in between that stuff but those are the big things Filmation did. I've already talked about Fat Albert and their version of  Ghostbusters and I'm surprised I haven't done more. 

Anyway He-Man wasn't created by Filmation, only the cartoon. The creation of He-Man was done by Mattel in 1982. I believe they were trying to get the Conan the Barbarian license but someone else got it. So they created He-Man. Well a man called Roger Sweet created He-Man by using old Big Jim figures and a whole lot of clay. He called him He-Man because he thought it was a powerful name that you could just drop into any kind of place. I'm pretty sure when it came to the rest of the characters and battle animals they were brought into existence by a ton of people at Mattel. I should have watched the Toys That Made Us episode on He-Man but I did not. I literally woke up and was like MAN I WANNA TALK ABOUT THE HE-MAN WOO! 

Anyway I think it's time to finally, finally talk about the actual last episode of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe! It was called The Cold Zone and was first broadcast on November 21st, 1985 and was written by shain's favorite person of all time J. Michael Strayznickdfghrfadfsfdsafgswewhdfdisdky. No I'm not looking up how to spell his last name SHAIN. Now be good. Anyway before we get into this episode I just gotta tell you about some of the things I love about this show. I like most fans of it enjoy the now campy nature. That's a given, but I also love the character designs. Man at Arms looks like a gay pornography star from the 1970s and that's great! He-Man has more muscles than humanly possible! Orko is just a cutie! I just love it and them. I love the music, both the theme song and the stuff that just plays during the episodes. I love the backgrounds in this cartoon and other Filmation cartoons. I guess they couldn't get the most amazing animation so they made sure that the backgrounds were creative and fun. They make Eternia look like a real place if that makes any sense. I dunno. I'm just overwhelmed with entertainment because this has been the first time I saw He-Man since the days when I had Teletoon Retro (by the way fuck Cartoon Network for killing Teletoon. Fuck.)

The episode starts with Orko doing a spell and fucking it up. Causing three robot birds of Man at Arms to fly away. Orko then goes and catches them and a giant crazy ass machine comes to them and its Kobra Khan the bad guy snake guy! I love snake guys in any kind of thing because they allways do the SSSSSSSSSSSSS thing whenever a word has an s in it. I am sorry but that will never get old to me. If it ever does I don't know if life would be worth it to continue living. the Snake Men doing the SSSSSS thing is that important to me. Anyway he tells He-Man that his people's The Eternal Flame has gone out and that they will all soon start to fall asleep FOREVER! This gets He-Man (whos Prince Adam at the moment), Cringer, Orko and Man at Arms to check it out. They then get into an crazy awesome vehicle (that in 1985 you could have bought for 14.99 but now you have to spend 149.99 to get it)

Anyway they run afoul of a monster that well He-Man kicks the fucking shit out of. Tying all of its arms together and just does it without giving a single fuck. Kobra Khan then even saves Man at Arms but you hear him thinking WAIT UNTIL WE GET TO MY PEOPLES PLACE HAHAHAHA. also there are several times when you just hear what the snake men are saying and even then they still do the SSSSS thing. It's beautiful. It's wonderful. I love it. They then get to the Snake Cave, which is which what I'm calling the place the Snake Men  (and probably Women) live in. They are stopped by the Snake Men who aren't Kobra Khan who think He-Man took away the Eternal Flame because Kobra Khan said so!!!!

Kobra Khan after getting the king to take He-Man and the gang away also gets the king to agree to let him become the new king if he takes care of the Eternal Flame problem. He then goes and pretty much talks to himself about how he used an icicle to cool down the flame but the problem is the icicle has done its job TOO well! However another Snake Man named Scales was listening and then goes to help He-Man. However he gets there just in time to see He-Man knock the shit out of the door keeping them in jail. They go to Eternal Flames room and Man at Arms said the Flame is too far down in the earths core for them to help.

He-Man is like BITCH PLEASE and literally uses his sword to knock down a giant stalagmite. He grabs it and TWISTS IT AROUND LIKE A DRILL UNTIL HE HITS THE MOLTEN CORE OF THE EARTH. He-Man is fucking awesome and anyone who disagrees can choke on a pile of ass! A incredibly smelly pile of ass. I will not let any He-Man sass enter this blogs comment section YOU HEAR! Kobra Khan then pretty much outs himself because half way through his little speech the King himself comes by. The King asks him again if He-Man is guilty and Kobra Khan says yes! He-Man says "Oh boy not again!" or some saucy 1980s cartoon comment. I like the word saucy. It's fun. 

The King's Guards actually grab Kobra Khan and the King tells him he's not listening to him the second time! The king then says he will let He-Man become king because that was the deal but He-Man is like "NAH BRO kobra khans a big jerk and tricked you. You stay king. I want to punch shit." They then do the fade out thing and it's now a big thing with a lot of cartoons from this era. The public service announcement. Man at Arms tells us that we should look at the whole big picture before making a decision. Yeah, many people has made fun of these things because they are cheesy and all but I'm not going to because that's a fucking lesson a lot of human beings (including myself) should really listen to more often.

FINAL VERDICT: I didn't know where to mention this but apparently according to Lou's daughter Erika (who voiced She-Ra!) Filmation was the gayest place in town. She should know being a lesbian and all. I figure that means I can call He-Man a pride month selection! YEAH! Anyway this episode was a fucking hoot and a half! Would rank pretty high on the whole Final Episode sheet list thing If I ACTUALLY kept one of those. I really should have but hey hindsight is twenty twenty.

The Flash (2023) was a big pile of shitty puke.

 

This movie was in development since like I think 2015 or 2016. So it's finally out and DC Movies has changed hands many times because they made so many wrong headed decisions at Warner Brothers. The first one was letting Zack Snyder do anything with these characters because his movies were somehow incredibly depressing and really annoying. The scene where Pa Kent is like NO MY SON WITH LITERAL SUPER POWERS WHO COULD GET TO ME BEFORE ANYONE SAW HIM DO NOT SAVE ME. I WANT TO DIE A PAINFUL DEATH IN THIS TORNADO is the dumbest fucking moment in any Superhero movie and don't give me the LOL STEEL AND BATMAN AND ROBIN. Those movies are fucking written by the smartest human beings ever when compared to that bullshit.  I do not get how so many people like the versions of these characters he did because they were fucking annoying and or depressing..

So it seems there's one more movie (the Blue Beetle which I am sure cannot be as irritating as this movie.) that ends the Walter Hamada era of DC Movies. I liked some of the stuff he did. I think he did the Shazam movies which were charming and enjoyable. I liked Birds of Prey and the The Suicide Squad movie. I am glad that they will be in the hands of James Gunn because The Guardians of the Galaxy trilogy is a S-Tier trilogy of Superhero movies. Anyway let's talk about this movie which you can tell by the title I do not like.

1.) I don't like the change of killing Barry's mom. I don't like it in the comics and I don't like that the shows and movies picked up on it. I don't like that his dad was blamed for it and I do not enjoy it. I liked Barry Allen's version of the Flash just becoming a hero because he had powers and it was the right thing to do. I like that. I'm not averse to characters having dark backstories because shit man I love Batman and Spider-Man and those origins aren't rose-y keen! It was nice that a character people knew about even before the movies happened was just altruistic because altruism is the right thing to do becuase there are other heroes who are like that but only sad weirdos like me know who the Will Peyton Starman is you know.

2.) The CGI is hot shit. I haven't seen CGI this bad in such a big name movie in SO long. It looks like its from some unfinished PS3 game. I should also SPOIL CAMEOS SO IF YOU DONT WANT THEM SPOILED JUMP AHEAD but they ghoulishly CGI Christopher Reeve, George Reeves AND Adam West. I do not like this trend one bit especially when you could have used archival footage. It feels like grave robbing even if the families agreed to it. Hell do any of the living people related to George Reeves ever got to meet him seeing as he died when my dad was 5 fucking years old. I am not a fan and I do not like it.

3.) I do not like Ezra Miller. I find Ezra Miller very annoying in this movie actually in both versions of the Flash. The older one and the newer one very annoying. I do not like it. 

4.) The comedy in this movie is very bad. Many jokes are made that somehow he changed Back to the Future to have starred Eric Stoltz or however you spell his name. That CLEVER AND HILARIOUS joke is repeated several times. It's like someone getting right in your face and telling terrible jokes over and over and all you want to do is punch them. The people also do not act the jokes out very well seeing as a talented comedian or actor can make a not so great joke memorable or fun but these people are not it.

5.) The comedy fucking ruined Michael Keaton. They force him to do the shitty comedy and this might be the one and only time I will ever say this but Michael Keaton was not showing his A+ game. The old Batman movies he was on his A+ game. Beetlejuice A+. Night Shift. A+. I ALWAYS enjoy seeing him show up in a movie and this time I can't say that. Also can we stop giving actors the big name lines they said in the original thing they were in because no one can do it in a convincing way. Literally he does the LETS GET NUTS line and it sounds like he wants to get nuts for him and his grandson at a fucking baseball game. Jesus harold and mary.

6.) If you want to see Supergirl in the movie she uh doesn't do much. Yep. 

7.) The movie seems to want to have its cake and eat it too. The whole ending is like Barry realizing he has to give it all up and that he can't save his mother however he can save his dad and change the evidence for him. I don't like it but I also don't care enough to complain any more. It's like yeah the whole theme is "Learn to let go" which in of itself is kind of a depressing theme for what should be fun colorful stories but what do I know. I legit said Steel and Batman & Robin are more enjoyable than Man of  Steel and Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Boredom

8.) Speaking of Batman & Robin can we just stop with the jokes about that movie. OH HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH GEORGE CLOONEY IS NOW BATMAN HWOGHAOHAOHOHAHOHOHOHORHOHOODGFOH i laughed SO FUCKING HARD AT 1997S JOKE MOVIE WOOOO SO FUNNY I LOVE IT

Fuck. I think I might like this movie less than The Eternals. I did not expect to like a comic book movie less than that.

Let's Review Every Movie Ever Made #1

 Alright, I'm changing up stuff from what it used to be. I watch a lot of movies and I do end up having some thoughts on just about all of them but sometimes not enough for a full review. So we are going to be reviewing two movies at a time, and I will be reviewing anything and everything I can get my hands on that somehow counts as a movie so expect to be surprised.  I've been on a life long search for the Worst Movie Ever Made and I think I found it but I still have a lot more movies to watch before I can definitely say that it is the worst so let's get to it. Let's watch and Review Every Movie Ever Made.

This one and the next few are going to be full of movies that will make you "how the hell haven't you seen this movie by now you jerk?" because they will be full of popular franchises and one offs. Like popular movies that I should have seen by now in my life. So get ready to go "You saw Leprechaun 4 In Space before that!?!? WHAT THE HELL?!?!?" Anyway I'm going to start with finishing up a series of films that big nerds enjoy called Star Trek. Join me won't you!?

I figure let's draw out this post a bit more and have me talk about my feelings on the other Star Trek movies. I still haven't seen the Motion Picture despite Damien C wanting to kiss it. I think The Wrath of Khan is great. so is Search for Spock. The Whale One (which is what I refer to the Voyage Home as) is the best one. The Final Frontier is uh very goofy but it's still a genuine fun ride with some actually pretty good and serious moments.  I forget the subtitle for the sixth movie but it's still a pretty good one even if I may enjoy 5 more despite it being goofier. It's still a pretty good sendoff and has Kurtwood Smith and he makes every movie he's in a sensual masterpiece of eroticism no matter how small his part may be. 

I dig Generations. I think it was fun to see Kirk and Picard in the same movie even if it's very gimmicky. I dunno if I like how Kirk goes out like a goober but despite that I do enjoy them sharing the same screen together. Plus you get Malcolm McDowell as a bad guy and I LOVE watching him be a bad guy. Always a fun time. First Contact is totally the best Next Generation Crew movie. Has the best plot, action and is the most entertaining. I know people complain LIKE BABIES about Action Movie Picard but he's gotta be a bit more actiony in the dang movies for the normies like me. Insurrection is an awful awful movie and it's the only one I truly dislike. The only positive about that movie is F. Murray Abraham, everything else sucks shit. What a terrible and stupid plot for a terrible and stupid movie.

 

Yes. It's now time for the first review of this piece. Like actual review and not just "YEAH I LIKED THAT ONE" and it's Star Trek Nemesis and I'm so torn on this movie. I like the concept, an clone of Jean Luc Picard who grew up a slave in the Sci-Fi Malarky mines wants revenge on the Romulans, federation, and Jean Luc Picard himself.  There's a lot of really nice character moments but the movie is honestly ruined by Tom Hardy. I just feel he wasn't very good in that role. I wish they would have picked just about anybody else. Also the fact he's dying is a weird one because it kinda makes the whole end fight really lame. I also am not a big fan of Data (I'm sorry shain and probably Damien) and he's a big part of this movie. Something about that character just bothers me. Maybe I'll grow to like him during my watching of the actual show in like the year 2041 or whenever.  Maybe I'm just pissed that I did not get to see Beverly Crusher and Lavar Burton naked like the movie promised when they were supposed to go to the naked people alien planet. YOU DON'T BREAK A PROMISE LIKE THAT MOVIE. Anyway 2 and a half stars out of 5.

 

The next movie is Star Trek (2009) by J.J. Abrams. I liked the other two movies I saw from him. Like Mission Impossible III and Cloverfield. So I am not a J.J. hater. I didn't even hate this movie I just didn't really care that much for it. First off I do not like Chris Pine as Captain Kirk. There's something about William Shatner that he could play a cocky jerk that you still wanted to see win the day, however I was just happy Spock punched Kirk and almost choked him. I also think comic books will always do the multiverse thing better because they don't need to use an entire movies length to get into a multiverse story. Just have the Watcher go YO THIS AINT THE REGULAR MARVEL UNIVERSE BABY! and bam in to the story. I also got to say that I did not enjoy this movies villain. I did like Shaun of the Dead as Scotty though. He was fun. This movie has some good action set pieces but as a whole eh. 2 and a half stars out of five.

NEXT TIME: More Star Trek!

I do not like the MCU Spider-Man. Here's why.

 

I recently watched the three Spider-Man MCU movies and I did not enjoy any of them all that much. Okay, I liked seeing Tobey and the Green Goblin and Dr Octopus from the only GOOD live action Spider-Man movies. Yes I didn't like the other movies either. Those movies had dumb plots and were mostly uninteresting and boring. Sure Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone did good acting jobs but they were just not very enjoyable movies. The first movie was a bit better than that massive poop turd that was the second but neither are going to rush up my "Must watch this again" list like seminal film classics such as Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College and American Ninja 2: The Confrontation.

So like several posts around here recently let's talk about the reasons why I didn't really like these three movies:

1.) Let's get the big one out of this whole thing right away. You kinda need a character called UNCLE BEN for the Spider-Man story. He needs to be there so that Spider-Man learns responsibility BECAUSE THATS THE WHOLE DAMN POINT OF FUCKING SPIDER-MAN. The whole damn theme is responsibility and how to use it! This Spider-Man's big want is to join the Avengers. Yeah that's the big thing. I'm sorry but the characters reason to want to make it up to his uncle so he uses his powers to fight everything to Scorpion Men to Weird Alien Goo to Weirdly Muscular Fat Men.

2.) I don't like the Iron Man stuff in the movies. Yes I know that people liked Robert Downey Jr in these movies as Tony Stark. It's just that I liked Spider-Man being seen as a smart guy himself who created all the stuff he needed HIMSELF. Not from Tony Stark or anyone else. I like Spider Man figuring out these things himself. Tony Stark just making suits and all of this stuff for him just doesn't please me.

3.) They made Spider-Man a big weeine and Tom Holland plays him as a big weenie. Yes. I know Spider-Man has complained a lot about his various issues in the comic book, but he never felt like he was a giant wiener baby over it. I just wanted to give Tom Holland's version of the character a wedgie and shove him in a locker. I shouldn't be thinking that of my favorite fucking super hero. 

4.) These movies are incredibly unfunny. Marvel movies comedy is hard to talk about for me. Sometims it's very amusing. I enjoy the comedy in say Guardians of the Galaxy or the first two Ant Man movies (that third movie had such bad comedy fuck you port) but Spider-Man is a fucking hilarious son of a gun. Incredibly funny in fact. That's one of the things that always kept me coming back was the jokes he'd make of Dr. Octopus or the Kingpin. The comedy in these movies make him sound like a dumb ass idiot. LOL SPIDER TINGLE!!!!

5.) Hey how about having Mysterio connect to Spider-Man and not Tony Stark like so many characters were. You uh know Mysterio was connected to Spider-Man for decades right? It's his bad guy right? Not Iron Mans right?

6.) J Jonah Jameson being an Alex Jones type fucker. Yeah J. Jonah Jameson has done awful shit in the comics but he also owned up to it. He would NEVER EVER FUCKING EVER be like that worthless sack of shit Alex Jones.

Yep. I think that's it. I liked Michael Keaton as the Vulture but that's about it and that shouldn't count because it's Michael Keaton and he brings his A++++++++++ game to every fucking movie he ever appears in.

The Final Episode #106: Brand Spanking New Doug (1996 - 1999)

 

I've decided to do this show for TWO whole reasons! One: Portnoyd has been annoying lately so It's time I annoy him back and he is not a fan of Doug in any version of it. The second reason I wanted to talk about this show is that I want to clear up and finish all the Disney shows. I have several left so you'll see discussions on them soon. I mean not all at once but soon. I'll throw in other stuff to keep it interesting. Anyway I decided to talk about Brand Spanking New Doug because I think it's time to finally finish up the whole Doug Funnie story. So It's time to finally discuss Brand Spanking New Doug.

You might ask me why I broke up the two shows and the thing is despite what wikipedia says or anything they ARE two different shows. Doug showed up on Nickelodeon (did you know that they just had two create two more new episodes and they would have owned the whole show and Disney would not have gotten their mousy hands on it.) Disney bought Jim Jinkins Jumbo Pictures in 1995 or so and they had the rights to Doug and P.B. And J Otter. They didn't own the other stuff he did for Nickelodeon which included Allegra's Window and Hocus Focus. Yes Jim Jinkins was working with Nickelodeon in like 1980.  I just felt we should talk about some of his other works because well Doug is always in the forefront. 

Doug moved from Nickelodeon to ABC's Disney's One Saturday Morning. That came to be because Disney wholesale bought out ABC in like 1996? 1995? I don't know when but they threw around some of their large bags of cash and bought the TV station. The Disney Afternoon was pretty much on its way out in 1996 because their last shows for the syndication package Quack Pack and Mighty Ducks were not setting the world on fire even though I do know people who enjoy The Mighty Ducks. Not a single person has ever stuck up for Quack Pack except a doofus named Craig. Yes Port, it's that Craig. Speaking of which there's an episode of this show where Doug's old friend from his old town comes to visit and he is literally Craig as an annoying 13 year old.

To me, changing networks and giving your show a new name, even one as stupid as Brand Spanking New Doug was enough for me to go "Yeah this is a new show, a sequel show" but the thing is that wasn't it. Literally every thing you could change about the show they did. Connie the fat girl is now skinny. Roger is now richer than dirt because Bebe's dad needed the land his mother owned. The school is now Bebe' Bluff's School or some name like that and literally is shaped like her head. The Honkerburger was closed down. All of these changes made a LOT of kids who liked the Nickelodeon version hate this version. A lot of discussion has gone down on about how this show ruined Doug.

This is where your good old buddy Michael comes in. A man who will speak his opinion on anything and just not give a shit. I'll agree with the majority on things. Disagree on things. Stick up for things no one else will. Talk about things that no one else wants to talk about. So here's one to shock the internet if they actually read this blog. This was MY Doug. Yes I lived in Canada. The Great White North. Nickelodeon the channel never showed up here. Some of the shows did. Are You Afraid of the Dark? Yeah, Rocko's Modern Life. Yep! Angry Beavers too! Doug showed up here but it seemed to be not for that long. I do remember Nick's version but not as well as the Disney version and I have to admit that I really did enjoy watching it when I was like 12 on One Saturday Morning. I loved One Saturday Morning as much as I did The Disney Afternoon.  I just remember watching all of those shows before my family would go off to do Saturday things at the Mall or other places because stores were closed on Sunday because of Jesus Reasons until like the year 2000 in Newfoundland which meant we'd go to a relatives house or to the Flea Market at the Mall. It was a glorious time and I loved it.

I think this is enough backstory for this stuff it's time to finally close the book on Doug and talk about The Final Episode of Brand Spanking New Doug which by the end was just called Disney's Doug. It aired on June 26th, 1999. I was close to turning fourteen. Still watching Disney cartoons because I didn't have an angry conservative father who told me when to stop doing things in life and I guess felt I could make my own decisions on things. I don't know how much of One Saturday Morning I was watching during this time but I do know that I do not remember this episode. I do remember watching Doug's 1st Movie and thinking it was so terrible that I probably just gave up on the show too. That movie is bad. One day I will make portnoyd watch it. That would be funny.

So the Final Episode was called Doug's Marriage Madness. Which probably brings in the most overused cliche I've seen for Final Episodes. I don't care to go through the list right now but I know I've covered marriages enough time that I don't really want to cover another Marriage episode. Maybe I'm just pissed or sad because I won't ever get my own marriage because really what other human being would want to spend the rest of their lives with someone who literally is writing about ten thousand words about the Final Episode of Disney's Doug? That's right the only person who would marry me is well me. And I don't even want to spend the rest of my life with me. It's that bad.

So it's also about changes, which is pretty nice because that's what the first episode was all about. I know there's a word for that kinda thing but I cannot spell it and I really do not want to spend time on google trying to find it's spelling. Anyway Judy is going off to college. Doug's literally becoming a teenager and his voice is changing. Lots of new stuff happening for the Funnie Family. I also hate how it's spelled Funnie. Annoys the piss out of me. And yes another big change. Patti Mayonnaise's dad is marrying their weird English teacher Ms. Krystal. I'm pretty sure the both of these characters were added into Disney's Doug. Now watch as DougFan420 comes and yells at me that Patti's dad appeared in the Nickelodeon version and that I should shoot my dick off for not remembering that. 

So things are hectic at the wedding. Patti is trying to keep everything going under a tent. Two twins are trying to figure out if they should make the stand out of wood or metal and I'm like "why didn't you do this weeks ago?" Yeah I know its a silly cartoon but that's what stood out to me. The fact they wanted a marching band and Mr. Bone (I love that he sounds like Don Knotts) yodelling crew and they argue about it at least makes more sense then this. Yes I know I'm a cool guy arguing what they should have done instead for a cartoon that most people don't even give two rat shits about is not the best use of my time but if I weren't writing this I'd probably be viewing Twitter and that's way worse a use of anyone's time then what I'm doing here and now.

So Doug and Skeeter have to go to the Tux Store to get a bow tie for Mr. Mayonnaise and Patti gives him the ring. If you guess "Doug is going to be a goofy goober like he usually is and lose the ring" you'd be semi correct. He gets the ring stuck in his shoe and just THINKS he lost it. He gets two frosty goats (?????????) from the Ice Cream Man Mr. Swirly and this is where I just gotta say I love how this show would have random characters given fun designs. Mr. Swirly probably only showed up a few times but they still gave him a goofy hair do that looks like a swirly Ice Cream cone from one of those fancy ice cream machines. It's great. Doug was a show that I would watch for the side characters because they were honestly all a lot of fun. Doug himself is fine but it's all about Skeeter! Honk Honk!

So they realize they might be missing the ring and Doug and Skeeter have to find Mr. Swirly because Doug thinks he gave it to him. Doug and Skeeter run all over town. Meanwhile Mr. Dink's "VERY EXPENSIVE" Robot that makes things out of pate. You know the goose liver shit that always looks gross as hell to me. I don't know but I was amused when they made a goose out of goose liver. Wild. It gets all over the guests when it explodes. The stage breaks when something crashes into it. Judy (who I must say is a weird character among weird characters. Did Doug take place in like 1961 when beatniks were still a thing?) Anyway Roger (who is now mega rich as fuck) buys grand pianos for him and her and literally has them sent out on a parachute from a plane. They crash and ruin the tent. That's what you get for not having your marriage In a CHURCH like GOD INTENDED! 

They actually go to the church and Doug tells Patti about the lost ring and well The Mayor who is now the Ex-Mayor (in the movie which must have come out and take place after this has Mr Dink's wife as the mayor. or maybe she was the mayor during the entire last season. I cannot hold the memories of every fucking thing in my head people. I am not a fucking walking encyclopedia on the animated TV series Doug. Anyway he passes out and the people there start to bitch and moan until Doug takes off his shoe and smacks it against thing priests stand behind. Don't look at me I stopped going to church in like 1998. He gives a rousing speech about how things are changing around here but the one thing he hopes never changes is how Bluffingtoners never give up on each other and how he feels that they are all one big family. This gets everyone to talk about Marriage related stuff and Mr. Mayonnaise and Mrs Krystal agree about everything people are saying and then the Mayor regains consciousness long enough to declare them man and wife. Doug then realizes changes have to happen and not all changes are bad when his little sister Dirtbike (what the fuck is up with Mr and Ms Funnie to name their other two children normal names that exist and then just call the third one Dirtbike. I'm thinking that Dirtbike might be a mistake and they hate her.) Then the final scene has Porkchop give him a new journal because he had finished writing in the last one.

FINAL VERDICT: I would say this is actually probably the best marriage Final Episode that I can think of having done up to right now. TWO ended on a Cliffhanger and Cliffhangers are never good and the Sabrina episode was just weird where she just realizes in the middle of a marriage that she wants to get back with her ex. That's just weird and mean. I'm not trying to say marry someone you shouldn't but try to make sure you want or not want the marriage before the fucking marriage day comes. You know. Kinda mean. No like really mean. This episode however was nice because the two people clearly want to get married and having it all be about change a thing that Doug would touch on from time to time. Changes happen A LOT during your child years of 1 to 18. A LOT. Not just puberty and all that jazz but other random changes and it was a good thing to make into stories. Anyway I enjoy this show because of the weird characters and the charming low key comedy and the nice wholesomeness of it all. In a world right now thats angry and mean it's nice to have something like this to come back to you know?

Media Presevation and Internet Weirdos...

 

I think first off I should talk about how I feel about media preservation. I think in a perfect world everything would have been preserved from movies to video games to TV commercials to whatever silly ass thing you would want to see. I believe this because they are all a small part of our history. All of it adds up in the end and history should never be forgotten or lost.  However some people really make me wish they would shut up and stop being stupid as hell. Things are ruined by other people. I think they were right Hell IS Other People. Anyway you know it's time for me to complain about things.

I think the thing I would change if I somehow could is that I would make people look for OLDER Lost Media. Like Pre-1990. There are tons of movies from the last one hundred years that have been lost or close to being lost. The people who made movies in 1967 or 1973 or 1981 are getting older and older and whatever they may have may be lost when they die. We might loose so much stuff because of this. I'm not saying try to take on stuff from the 1990s onwards or lost media from a thing you might be into like say Pokemon or some series like that but you gotta realize age is a serious thing. I really want to see a weird probably terrible movie called Mafia on the Bounty where the guy who played Frosty the Snowman plays a mafia don who gets into trouble with gays or some weird shit. On a boat. I don't know but as a fan of weird dumb garbage movies that were made by a cocaine addled lunatic brain I NEED to see this. I also need to see Blood Circus.

The other part of this blog post is just me complaining about one person who I will not name because I do not want him to find this blog. I also want blogger to also stop randomly turning on the fucking italics thing. I do not want that italicized for fuck sake! Anyway some guy tried to get money for a prototype of a Napoleon game. That is already available in Japan for a small amount of money. Instead of trying to use that money to find information on other games that you can't just buy from the Land of the Rising Sun. This person also apparently got someone to give him ROMS of unreleased games on the grounds that no one else gets to use them. I hate to break it to you but that's still Lost Media. I mean it's like it's kinda fucking pointless. I did not intend that italicizing but I felt like it works.

I think that's all I got to say about this and I figure it's time to end this post. Bye!

Things I Miss From the Past Part 1

 Well, since I've grown into a grumpy rambly old man I've decided to to start up a new blog post series thing that might have legs and might not. I do not know. I have a feeling it does but who knows.This is just me complaining about things that someone born in like 2004 would have no idea about. You know me being an old ass man who should start yelling at clouds like Abraham Simpson in the last scene of The Simpsons that is even the little bit iconic.

1.) Having little to no choice: Remember being a kid, I mean a kid that lived pre streaming services/internet access/ability to get anything. You literally had to willingly sit through things you didn't like or thought you weren't going to like. Like movies or TV shows. I'm sure as fuck there are things I complained about having to watch to my parents or just to myself and then realizing that I was enjoying the thing I was complaining about. The days of you have 30 TV channels and 15 of them show nothing you care about and you're pissed at the Super Nintendo because you died in that Toxic Castle level of Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest.  Sometimes the show was terrible and sometimes the show became one of your new favourites. Sometimes it was good to step out of your comfort zone or in this case being shoved out of your comfort zone. Or sometimes having too much choice will make you go "Jesus Christ I can't fucking decide what to pick!" which happens so fucking much to me. 

2.) So many things to get angry about. Remember in the past how there'd be like one big serious issue that people would talk about like say the Iraq War and one random dumb issue that people really shouldn't have cared about like I dunno Paris Hilton existing. Now it's like one big serious issue, twenty semi serious issues, and nine hundred and ninety nine pointless stupid issues that everyone wants to talk about. There's so much shit happening that it would literally take you 8 years to read up on everything to have even a somewhat informed opinion. It's very annoying.

Yeah I had a few other points but they just flew out of my mind because my mind is a weird and wild mess of garbage so this minor blog post is all you get. Sorry, not sorry.

Movie Review #75: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

 

You think that doing a silly ass nostalgia blog over stuff that I enjoyed and heard of and all during my childhood most people would have thought Star Wars would be a super high thing on the List of Things I Would Talk About as that something related to it would have popped up earlier in this blog, well here's a really big surprise: I was not a big Star Wars fan as a child. I was born in 1985 and no one except my Uncle really saw Star Wars in the theatre and my parents didn't care enough to see it and I don't think they have today therefore there was no one to really introduce me to it. The movies I watched would be like stuff like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Care Bears Movie, Ghostbusters, Short Circuit, Airplane, Naked Gun, Hot Shots, Homeward Bound, Adventures in Babysitting, Don Bluth movies, Jurassic Park, Tiny Toon Adventures How I Spent My Summer Vacation, Charlotte's Web, Disney films, and once I was allowed every horror series I could. I do remember seeing the movies once as a child I think around the time the new releases versions came out. Hell those COULD have been the versions I saw. I just know that I watched Mel Brooks' parody film Spaceballs five thousand times as a child. Star Wars wasn't high on my radar.

So in 1999 this was a big thing, but it wasn't for me. Disney's One Saturday Morning! Big Thing! Pokemon! Big Thing! Getting to rent soul touching masterpieces of cinema like Revenge of the Nerds, Porky's, Pieces and any and all movies I could find from like the late 1970s to the early 1990s! HUGE Thing! It didn't matter as long as it looked cool. I can't tell you how big of a thing this was for us in the 8th grade because three whole children would talk to me at that point and the rest thought I was a damn weirdo. I don't remember many children talking about it honestly. I just remember my teacher showing us the Rocky movies which was pretty awesome. I just never got to Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace until just a half an hour ago.

So I knew about this movies uh let's say less than stellar performance, but I've stuck up for many movies that have a lot of people not loving them. Hudson Hawk, National Lampoon's European Vacation and Nothing But Trouble to name three. I just wanted to italicize some more things. I want to make this review the one with the most italics in a blog post! In fact when a movie gets enough people yelling and screaming about them it makes me want to check it out because I want to make my own opinion on something. I don't take the mainstream opinion on something if I believe it to be true. I make up my own mind on something. It just that this time I do agree with the majority of the people it seems Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace sucks so much ass. If I had forced my parents to rent this or go to the theatre or whatever I would have been pretty fucking upset and angry that I had wasted a rental on a movie that could have gone to something better like Night of the Demons or The Man With Two Brains or Invasion U.S.A.

I'm gonna start out by saying that I think George Lucas is a creative guy. The original Star Wars trilogy is honestly as good as memorable and enjoyable as they say. He helped create Indiana Jones which is also cool and good too! I really like Willow. I just believe that he needed someone to help him with these ideas and movies. It really was a TEAM of people who made these movies back in the day and by 1999 it was all just yes men who wouldn't tell ol' George that his ideas were fucking stupid and should be removed from the damn movie. Like you know the big problem known as Jar Jar Binks.

I will say the individuals that went so over the top angry about this character that it made the actor want to kill himself are fucked up weirdos. I legit hate the fact that I have to bring this up and can't just go into the discussion, but I just cannot with this character. The weird dialogue for his species. The jumping and screaming and yelping he does for comedic effect. The really bad poop jokes. I laugh at fucking poop jokes and the ones in this movie just pop out of fucking nowhere and I hate them. The fact he feels like some kind of weird stereotype that just makes me feel uncomfortable. This also goes for the weird space alien that owns Anikin. Or however you spell that stupid name. They feel like these weird stereotypes that died in 1863 or whenever.

The other problem is all the weird boring shitty talk about fucking Star Wars world politics. I'm sorry but that does not work in Star Wars. You want a fun sci fi space adventure. All the politic talk just bogs this movie down so much. It's not something I want to see in this. More of the pod racing stuff (which was like one of the two scenes in this movie I liked) I also think I just don't give a shit about prequels. I just can't get into caring if Anikin or R2D2 get them selves into a scary situation because I know they survive because I already saw the damn movies that take place later on. Also some of the characters like C3PO and R2D2 just feel so forced because it's like YOU GOTTA SEE THEM!!! I dunno.

The biggest problem is that I just found this movie to be dull as dishwater. I thought the podracing scene was neat and the pod racers were cool. I liked watching the two Jedi dudes fight Darth Maul but honestly everything else was boring as fuck. 

FINAL VERDICT: It took me 24 years to finally watch this movie and I get the feeling it will take me another 24 years to see the next two. Or maybe I'll just get them over with. Who knows? Maybe I'll review them. All I know is that it's really weird that I talked about this movie before so many other things I mentioned in this post, but I felt like I had too because well it was one hell of a big thing back in 1999 and portnoyd just had to know my thoughts on it all.

Comic Book Movies Should Probably End Now. Or at Least SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.

 

You think as someone who enjoys comic books so much you'd think I'd be happy that they are making so much comic book content but I'm kinda tired to hell about them. Yep weird huh. Even though I recently watched the old 80s/90s Batman movies (well not Batman and Robin, and still enjoy them so much more than the new stuff) but I thought to complain about them because it just came to my mind. I'm literally on a roll here with fucking blog posts I want to make. I'm actually having fun with the fucking internet again and that's amazing.

1.) Let's start with Marvel. I do not think they know what the hell they are doing at this point. I really really really do not know what they are doing. They seemed to have a idea pretty early on with Thanos and every movie felt connected to some degree making it exciting to see how the whole story would end. It felt like you had to see how the story ended up. Now a lot of these movies don't even feel connected at all. One does something with the multiverse. One is a literal prequel. One is a kung fu fantasy movie (which is really not as cool as the 1970s/1980s comic where he was a kung fu spy movie.) One is a weird mess that has been forgotten like the Eternals. One is a movie where the main characters actor died. I didn't hate any of these movies (except Eternals that boring drab ugly piece of shit can go fuck itself) None of these seem to connect and what made the movies fun was all of these characters coming together in one big thing in the end and the connectivity is gone. I also like Kang (he's got a convoluted history but I really enjoy a good amount of the stories he was in) and they seriously don't seem to really have an idea what the hell to do with him.

2.) DC is literally rebooting itself with this new Flash movie. They started their live action universe of movies in 2013. One decade of movies that was fucked up from the beginning because Zach Synder doesn't know shit about comic books or superheroes and should have fucked off somewhere. I do not know where but just away from these movies, but if you are going to jump and push the OH SHIT WE GOTTA START OVER button in a decade is not a good look. Rebooting shit too many times kinda keeps people out of caring.  Yeah some of it was really awful but I did enjoy a good amount of DC movies but yeah they seem to be just starting all over. It's no good.

3.) Holy shit are they pumping these things out. Marvel now has 26 different TV series and 3029240 movies. I'm sorry but I don't have the fucking time to watch every one of these tv series (and the ones I watched I liked Hawkeye and She-Hulk. Even if Hawkeye clearly felt like it felt like an overlong movie than an actual TV series. I hear the other ones felt like that too and that's not a good thing. Just edit them into damn movies. It's embarrassing I swear.

4.) Everyone wants a piece of the pie. Some of these companies literally own the rights to the most obscure characters. Even ones I've never fucking heard of and I know too much about this stuff. I've forgotten more stuff about comic books than most people will ever know, and no that's not a brag. That's an admission I need to get laid. By literally any adult. Just pooping this out there without anyone who cares about the Diddly Daddly Man. Just to get some content for their streaming service. 

5.) No one now wants to take a risk. If James Gunn came to Marvel now and was like Hey do you want to do a Guardians of the Galaxy movie now in 2024 they would look at him and go NO THOSE CHARACTERS ARE WEIRD AND SILLY. Despite those three movies probably being the absolute high point of the MCU. They really do not want to get too weird and silly with it. Yeah they let She-Hulk get a little goofy but there's so much weird shit in Marvel and DC Comics that is genuinely fun they will jump over it. 

That's it. Comment to tell me I'm a poopie head or something for not being excited anymore for this stuff.

Why The Internet Sucks Ass Now

 

If I'm being honest the literal most amazing thing that came from my childhood (which is from 1985 when I was born to 2003 when I was 18 which is when you are considered an adult) wouldn't be a childhood favorite movie or a video game or a cartoon or a favorite balloon. No it was a beautiful thing called the internet. You could literally find stuff a bout anything. Literally anything. The Go-Bots? Yep! Naked Pictures of Ladies But One of the Ladies has a big old penis? Yep! Reviews of literally any silly ass thing you could think of? Yep! If you could think if you could find it. It was beautiful. I would use the old dial up internet to take like days to get episodes of the old Transformers series off Limewire or Kazaa. That's one thing I think can be considered a upgrade on the "old" internet. Everything else pretty much sucks or has really bad parts to it. I will go over them all but I feel like I should talk about where the internet kinda gave up

I got first introduced to the internet in maybe 1996 or 1997. At my Uncle's house. I remember I would use the internet for so much goofy shit. I would look up a website dedicated to old Marvel bad guys and like News on Freddy Vs Jason (they had so many fucking weird and goofy ideas for that movie that I would have honestly enjoyed more than what we finally got.) It was wonderful. We got the internet in our house and I went wild and joined the NES Scene. It was great. I loved it so much. I loved so so much. I would literally stay up until the morning making it so I couldn't get to school for that day because I would just fall asleep in class. I was up just reading about video games on Digital Press. I also did it when some rascal we all knew would spam a NES forum. It was serious stuff. For a very sad teenager. The forums I liked to post on went away and were replaced by something that was very inferior. Social Media. by 2013 if you wanted to enjoy a NES forum you had Nintendo Age to view. And that was it. 

So let's go over a bunch of reasons why the Internet sucks ass now and how it's turned me into an even more bitter misanthrope. 

1.) Social Media. You know I'm going to admit that I thought it was a fine idea when it started. It really was. You got to stick around with your friends you made on the internet. I still use Facebook only for staying in contact with friends from a forum that's been gone almost for a decade now. It was replaced by a really shitty social media format. That's my first reason for Social Media sucks everyone wants to start their own and water down the entire concept. Yeah thanks JoBlo for throwing away your wonderful movie forums for a watered down Facebook that you ended up getting rid of. I mean I know people were getting bored of forums and were all so excited for a new shiny thing (which I can't say I'm immune too. I get excited by shiny new things.)  It also I think really fucked up politics. You say a thing that is somewhere in the middle and people will shit down your throat. You can't say boycotting Hogwart's Legacy is pointless because Harry Potter is literally one of the 5 most popular things that ever existed and you will not get rid of it ever or you now love JK Rowling and think trans people should be slapped and thrown into a gulag or some kind of extreme point. I'm sorry people but you NEED centrists to keep you in line before you become a huge goober. I get stressed out because I can't be fully truthful about politics on social media.  It doesn't help that social media is now literally 92% of the Internet.

2.) YouTube. This is one of those 50/50 things. I love a lot of things about YouTube. I'm listening to a damn livestream right now. I'm subscribed to a lot of people and get excited whenever a new video from a favorite creator pops up in my feed. I love them all so much. I'm just talking about how awful shit content that I do believe helps cause shit in real life. It helps radicalize people. Hearing anti-woke YouTubers go on and on about how gays and black people taking over straight and white roles over and over can cause simple brained idiots will cause harm to them now and become they become alt-right weirdos. I don't care what anyone has to say about this. I will continue to complain about these people until they go away. Or I get a life.

3.) So many stupid and insane people are on the internet now. Yeah I will not argue that stupid people were on the internet since it started. They weren't you know at least ninety two percent of the fucking internet. They were mocked and derided and left the damn communities you were in alone. (For the most part lol) and yeah people with uh let's say less healthy issues of the mental sort always existed on the internet too but you know what they were endearing. I'll take someone who wants to marry the mouse lady from the Secret of NIMH and the guy who wants to kiss a real doll over the lunatic who would literally come to your house and shoot you for saying something which is now a real possibility on this crazy new shitty garbage internet.

4.) It's ruining real life things. I love Magazines. I love collecting them and even reading old ones. Magazines are dying and being removed because of the internet. I don't like how everything is now oh you can use the internet for that. 

5.) This is not about the internet but Streaming services suck. Yeah I know it's weird to put this in my blog post but it popped into my head and I don't know where it goes. It was a pretty decent idea when it started like Social Media but now there are way too many of them and if you want something from one place you have to buy an account to get it. You have to get access to all of them now. These companies are keeping all of their stuff stuck on their streaming services and it's no good.

6.) Portnoyd posts too much on it. YOU KNOW I HAD TO SASS YOU BUCKO.

That's it. The internet sucks now. This blog sucks. Too many people ruin things. I hate it.

Comic Review #82: The New Guardians #1 (1988)

 

Well it's June which is the month every conservative fears... It's Pride Month! Yes more and more human beings are giving less and less of a shit if you want to kiss a dude or become a dude or love both dudes and ladies or whatever. Yeah there's still a very sad amount of human beings who give a shit what two adults do in their own time and in their own lives because they are stupid worthless shitheads who no one ever truly loved. Okay maybe other garbage people loved them but do you want to be loved by a garbage person? I sure don't! So I've decided to look at the LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ+ (I support you getting to be you but I'm still going to be terrible, terrible jokes.) characters that have existed during DC and Marvel history! It'll be a fun time. I decided to start with a really bad DC comic that will give portnoyd a lot of material for comments he can make in 2042 when his children are all in college and he can just waste his precious time blathering about internet garbage.

Anyway this comic comes off the heals of a world shaking DC comics event called Millennium. I won't get to into it now but uh... It's a pretty fucking bad comic. A HUGE mess of a series that I still can't believe came from Steve Englehart and Joe Staton. Steve Englehart wrote some of the best Avengers, Captain America and Batman comics ever published. If I ever review them and portnoyd is like DURRR THIS THING I NEVER READ FOR MY SELF IS BADDDDD BECAUSE YOU SAID SO i will literally go to Las Vegas and smack the absolute shit out of his ass. like I will slap him until his ass can't hold shit. They are that good. Portnoyd better watch himself out, but by the mid/late 80s when he returned to comic books from a small hiatus writing fancy books that have no pictures or Batman. 

He came back and did Green Lantern which was really hit or miss. Some stories and characters (like Kilowog the greatest Green Lantern!) were fun and some were just "What were you thinking man?" He also did West Coast Avengers (which was actually probably the best stuff he did during this era) and Fantastic Four (which was his worst, It's not my least favorite era for the team but it's uh certainly up there.) I know portnoyd will UNTHOUGHTFULLY go LOL THOSE THINGERS ARE DUMBY AND I EAT POOPIE like the stupid stupid man he is. I don't know if it was editorial interference or if Steve's heart wasn't into it any more but I just know that his mid-late 80s work is no where as good as the work he did in the 1970s.

The New Guardians were created by the Guardians of Oa to uh breed and spread around their new DNA. The Guardians of Oa are those little blue assholes that appear in Green Lantern comics to give the Green Lantern of earth a hard time because THEY ARE SHIT HEADS. Anyway they wanted to go bone the Star Sapphires so uh they did! They are also very stupid because uh one of the characters they picked was a gay man. Gay men do uh usually not have sex with women. It's kinda in the name. Ya dig? The other character they picked to join the team was a man who had literally been turned into a plant. and the other is a computer who doesn't even have some kind of plant dick. . There's also Harbinger but who gives a shit about her. Oh and a Chinese lady who talks about dragons and also a Jamaican lady.

 

You can see in that nice image that our pal Extrano is gay and also a stereotype. Despite that he's clearly the most fun new character of them all ( the Floronic Man (the plant guy) was created decades before this) and also apparently the Computer Guy can turn back into his original form so I guess he still has his penis. Still that's one choice for all the ladies to bone him and he's already married to someone. So the Guardians of Oa really fucked up because they were too busy thinking about getting to fuck the shit out of the Star Sapphires. The fucking blue pricks.  Anyway Extrano seems to be gay Dr. Strange. Which I think is pretty rad.

So the story continues and we change scenes to a group of racists who have created a crazy looking vampire man who apparently only likes to drink the blood of non white people. So they send him off to cause havok with another racist jerk to watch him. There's a wild scene where the racist Vampire called Hemo-Goblin eats a cat. It's hilarious. The Jamaican Lady fights with him. She gets the Dragon Chinese Lady to help her fight when she gets hurt. The Hemo-Goblin runs away and they go back to the hideout. Everyone somehow finds where the Hemo-Goblin is hiding and then they all have a fight. Extrano gets cut by the Hemo-Goblin. They fight. The Hemo-Goblin dies. Green Lantern's old buddy Tom comes by and gives them the bad news. The Hemo-Goblin had AIDS.

This got apparently lots of bad press from fans who pretty much told DC how thats not really how AIDS works and that maybe the clearly gay character you created (this was the 1980s so they couldn't really say he was gay because that would totally turn anyone who read it into a cock craving maniac because that's how homosexuality works.) shouldn't get AIDS. Or at least not get it in his probably 3rd appearance in a comic. The Jamaican Lady also gets AIDS or probably should by being cut too. I don't care enough to figure out.

I did read one other issue of The New Guardians and it was fun as hell but it was only fun as hell for the character Snowflame a character who got his super powers from cocaine. He literally could have fought any body and the issue would have been amazing, probably even better. The New Guardians just wasn't a good group of characters. Except for the Flornoic Man and Green Lantern's pal Tom, none of them really got used after this series ended in like 1989. None of them, except Extrano would be used by me in the weird off chance DC found this blog and was like THIS IS THE MAN WE NEED and gave me a job by me and I love weird goofy obscure characters. These guys had no charm or anything and we don't need to see them ever again. 

FINAL VERDICT: I don't think it's bad that a comic tackles or discusses an social or political issue, even if it's serious. Discussing serious issues within stories can help fix them in the real world by bringing it to peoples attention. It's BAD because they didn't do a good job of it. AIDS was and IS still a serious thing that deserves more respect than this. Portnoyd is going to have a fucking field day with this comic and despite it all DC pretty much gave him that field day which might just be the worst thing about it all.

Why Collecting Retro Video Games SUCKS Now!

 

I was about to call this blog post "Why Collecting Video Games Is Lame Now!" but I realized that it was always lame. Buying these old games was seen as weird and foolish for the longest time. You brought it up to people and maybe, maybe 1 in like 25 would be like Hey that's cool! instead of a joke about the games being stupid and terrible or a "uh okay"! You got these games for nothing. Literally nothing. I don't have it any more but I got Snow Brothers. a NES game that people shit their pants over (It's enjoyable but nothing amazing. Portnoyd will disagree and be a butthole about it) because its rare for free when I first started collecting from my mothers friend. Along with other 10 or so more games and like two NES systems. For FREE. A game that now makes people shit their pants and go WOAH if they see it on one of their YouTube shows (which are all probably faked. I don't care what the creators say. Some of the characters 'they' play can be somewhat fun but they all fake the shit. 

Anyway I've decided to tell you my history over all this shit because I am the coolest man alive. and by coolest man alive I mean a sad sack whos up at 8 in the morning talking about stupid Retro games instead of trying to fix this mess of a life. Oh, I got too depressing again. It all starts with the N64. I remember just being so disappointed with that game system when I got it for Christmas that after waiting like hours for my cousin to come by to hook it up (I don't know why we waited for him) a few hours after I unhooked it up to play my SNES. Which for whatever reason got me thinking about the games made BEFORE the SNES. I dunno. It helped me want to get my ex-friends NES. For the longest time my mother wasn't for it until she got some for free. She didn't want to spend like the 30 or 40 bucks my ex-friend wanted even though it came with so many games (which were my games from my childhood. I wish I had 40 bucks or whatever the price was when I was a kid. So yeah I finally got a NES, went fucking wild on games I had found on old websites. I found the NES scene and I'm still talking to people from there these days.

I at one point decided to go for every game. I mean I had collected at least 250 or so games I liked to some degree so let's get that up to 650. Or close to there. I had Little Samson. I had Panic Restaurant. I had Duck Tales 2. I had Rescue Rangers 2. I had all of those games people go ga-ga for because they were rare and worth money. not because they were fun games that are worth playing. The only one I didn't have was Flintstones 2. I didn't have the insane price they wanted for that game in 2009-2014. The 650 bucks. I think that game was fun and enjoyable. I think the game is entertaining. I enjoy playing it. Oh, that's because I play on an everdrive because this is where I sold all of my games. All of them. I kinda wish I had kept some of the earliest games I remember picking up for nostalgia sake but man I was just in the mood to collect comics (which also got impossible to collect for now too!) so I sold it all.

The Big Pandemic happened and it somehow got even worse. EVEN WORSE. So let's get into some reasons why.

4.) You Tubers. I'm going to admit to you guys that I enjoy some You Tubers. I enjoyed the AVGN. I enjoyed some of his clones. I enjoyed The Game Chasers. I enjoyed Retro Rick. I enjoyed those NES Liberty guys. I didn't enjoy everyone but I'll shit on those guys in another reason. These guys helped make it "COOL" for just everyone and probably a lot of Generation Z to pick up and play games. All of them. These guys are personable and entertaining. I wouldn't say they are creative really. They are just going out around their areas picking up games, but entertaining enough to people to want to pick up stuff. I guess I watch these guys because getting any kind of things in Newfoundland right now is like trying to get blood from a turnip. I guess that's why I watch these guys. I want to find things but I can't. Finding a game/toy/comic/dildo at a store or some place for cheap or whatever is one of the FUN parts of collecting. Any old goober can go on eBay and spend money. Which brings me to the second point.

3.) Brute Force Collecting. This is the part Portnoyd will enjoy the most. There was a website called Nintendo Age. They started in like what 2005? 2006? 2007? I don't know. I would only visit the website when I wanted to be annoyed and if you know me I like to annoy my self by looking at things that make me want to punch something. The vast majority of these guys would just throw the seemingly endless amounts of money they had to own a game. It didn't matter what game it was they would just go on eBay and own it by having more money because they gave their sugar daddy a mean blowjob that made his 84 year old dick feel something again. I'm not trying to make fun of gays or people who want to fuck the elderly or prostitutes. I'm just saying they got way too much money for being useless and stupid. When several losers throw money at you to own Donkey Kong Jr Math (which is not worth whatever obscene price it goes for. That game is not rare.) you will raise the price when selling it on eBay. I would. The guy down the street would. We pretty much have too in this society that is crushing the little guy, when some jack off idiot is like OH MAN LET ME GIVE YOU 350 BUCKS FOR THAT GAME!!!!! They did this for like every game, except the super dirt common shit. Seriously in the past Funcoland would sell Super Mario Brothers for 15 cents and these goobers throw you a 20 dollar bill. I hope they wasted all their money and have to live in a shithole house, but it's worth it because you have a fucking game where Donkey Kong Jr teaches you math that no child wanted to play in 1986.

2.) No creativity. The only Retro game youtuber I will give any credit to for being actually creative is The Angry Video Game Man and even then he's just doing videos of the silly ass game reviews people would do on the internet. He's still going way downhill and all that but still these youtubers like John R iggs and Metal Jesus Sucks are boringly making videos about these games. So many silly literal children aged 13-21 would come up with tons of creative websites for just silly ass fun. Goofy concepts just made by ripping a game sprite and having it do some silly shit. Not serious or anything, way better than John Riggs trying to tell you about a video game and have you not fall asleep. He's a boring turd.

1.) So many idiots and jerks in the community now. Seriously look at reddit game collecting and not want to rip your hair out. They take pictures of Wii U games and go OOO LOOK AT WHAT I GOT!!!!! A GREAT HAUL!!!! bitch people would take pictures of them coming home with like 25 NES games for less than 30 bucks back in the day! I think I just hate everyone who posts on the internet these days. You could at one time find people you'd enjoy talking too on the internet and even the really stupid assholes were at least weirdly endearing. Not today. Now everyone is a stupid asshole who seems to collect to either impress a YouTuber because they think they are friends because they have no friends and created a parasocial bond with a guy they watch on YouTube and they chose John Riggs or some shit. Also they just want it to be a thing where it's like the stock market. Just go to the fucking stock market and stop trying to shit on hobbies. You will probably make money easier on the damn stock market you wiener.

I'm tired of all this stupid shit. Let Portnoyd yell about something for a minute here.

Please stop doing reboots, please. I want this reboot ride to stop.

 If the 2010s will be known for anything it will be known for literally taking everything from the past and rebooting it. That and superhero movies. When I mean everything I literally mean everything. I mean fucking everything. They made a new version of White Men Can't Jump a movie only I and other sad weirdos remember. It's a forgotten dusty old movie. I have not seen a single person on the internet ever talk about White Men Can't Jump except for like it's letterboxd page since 1997 when I joined the internet. So I have to talk about reboots.

Reboots and remakes and all that do in fact go back to the earliest days of Hollywood. The movie The Maltese Falcon, you know the famous one. That's a remake of an earlier film. This is not to trash the concept of remakes, there are a LARGE amount of incredibly great films that are remakes. There are a large amount of pretty darn good remakes. A lot of stuff remade from foreign films because the idea was good but who the hell wants to watch some French wieners try to be funny when you can just get Michael Caine and Steve Martin to do it in an a funny non-French way. It's just that well you'll see the issues I have because I have several of them.

4.) Most things are of their time. Okay, let's go back to White Men Can't Jump. That movie is probably rewatched by two people, people who want to see every movie that either Woodrow Harrelson or Wesleyton Snipes were in. And yes those are their actual birth names, don't ask me how I know that. Or people just wanting to enjoy something very 1990s. I mean I haven't rewatched White Men Can't Jump but I'm going to assume It's very 1990s. Seriously just look at the damn name. It's 1993 to its core. I don't think you could get a more 1993 thing if you tried. It was a product of its time, It does and will not work in any other time. Unless you somehow want to get great writers and actors to make it something completely different and well that will just bring us to my second point.

3.) a lot of these are just horse shit: A good number of these reboots are just thrown together as cheaply and quickly as possible to get money on a name, the PERFECT example is the Live Action Disney Remake of Pinocchio. The original movie, well, I can't really talk about because I have not seen it in probably almost 30 years but I will tell you this. I'm sure it does what it sets out to do better than the lazy ass remake. It's got Tom Hanks just not giving a shit. It's got poor CGI. It literally fucks up the theme of the original movie in so many fucking ways. Pinocchio seems like he's watching the movie WITH us instead of being a character IN the movie. He doesn't even turn into a boy at the end! What a fucking load of shit that movie was and the majority of them are like that. Just poor material.

2.) The vast majority of this stuff holds up fine. Maybe I am just a biased because of my age (seriously it seems like the 1990s were the last time that they would show tons of stuff from the 1960s and 1970s on television) and the fact I'm stuck in the past but the vast majority of stuff they want to remake is just stuff that holds up fine and hell LOOKS AND WORKS better than any of these sequels or remakes or reboots or anything. They don't need to be remade. I don't even care about the whole "hey let's remake something "bad" " because that bad thing probably has more of a cool 70s or 80s o 90s feel than the bland 10s/20s feel a lot of movies today have.

1.) I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't enjoy some reboots or requels or long outdated sequels but the majority of this stuff just feels like they are grabbing a name and going YEAH WELL GET THE PEOPLE. They are rebooting Matlock of all things with Kathy Bates. I think it's not even going to be a lawyer character. I dunno. I mean I'm all for changing some things with a reboot but when you change everything why the hell use the name? To get the fans of the original to watch. I uh, hate to tell you but Matlock was a show people my grandparents age would have watched and that group of human beings is dwindling each day. A whole hell of a lot of them have already passed away. It's literally trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. You can't just make something popular. I don't think the people who DID watch Matlock and are still alive would want to watch it. They'd probably just rather watch the original show and remember when they were a spry 45-65 year old man or woman and not like 70 to 130 now. Like what the hell.

Seriously if you are going to reboot things, try to find things that one were so terrible that not even I can give any love to it (I am a forgiving man towards this stuff) and people actually still care about in the present day, but no you won't. You'll probably just remake Misfits of Science because you have the rights and get pissed when no one watches it.

The Final Episode #105: The Little Mermaid (1992 - 1994)

 

Yep, It's time to bring back my favorite series on this blog. I don't know if I ever mentioned it was my favorite series of blog posts before this but it is. It's a lot of fun to actually check out a tv show from like the 1950s to around 2000 (this is a nostalgia blog after all, but you might get to see some stuff after 2000  but it's very rare. It's fun to see if the episode ends the show on a good note, like feeling fulfilling. Or does the episode just feel like some thrown together rubbish because it was season 12 and no one cared anymore. Or was it just a regular episode that you'd never realize was the Final Episode until you google searched it or realized the next day when they showed episode one again. Like you'd have to wait for google to tell you or wait for the next day in the time before Google.

I wanted to talk about this show for three reasons. 1.) The probably terrible Little Mermaid remake is out in theatres now and I want brand synergy! Yes! Disney will see this blog and promote it even though I'm shitting on the remake because it's very lazy and I don't want to talk about it! Even though I will because I said I'm going to review or mini review every Disney film. Including stuff like Touchstone and other companies. I guess that now includes 20th Century Fox. Wow I'm never going to finish that ever am I? 2.) I want to finish up talking about the other Disney shows that were put out during this time period and there are more left than you'd expect. 3.) Despite loving the Little Mermaid movie (yes I was one of the boys who watched girl things. I mean WE ALL did but I did it proudly! I love the Little Mermaid movie and think it is cool and good.) and even owning it on VHS (probably the VHS that had the phallus looking thing on it too!) I do not remember this show. I mean I actually remember watching it and knowing it existed but I don't remember a single thing about it. Not a single thing. I gotta figure out why that's that.

So Since I don't remember ANYTHING about this TV show that means I talk about a second episode before I go in more depth with the Final Episode. Mostly to get a feel for the show and mostly to make it look like I put more effort into this blog post. Just because It's my favorite to do doesn't mean I don't end up being lazy as fucking hell. Anyway the episode I wanted to watch was called Thingamajig and was about a pirate boot falling into the ocean and the character that will appear in the Final Episode the Manta Ray (voiced by Tim Curry, the greatest actor who ever lived. I do not care what you say HE IS THE GREATEST. Every time I see him or hear his voice I literally get so happy I don't know what to do with myself. He is always ALWAYS fun as hell to watch.) Anyway despite what the youtube video said it was NOT that episode and I got something else instead. I wanted to see the Lobster Mobster! Who could say no to something with that great of a name?

Anyway the episode I actually ended up watching was "The Beast Within" from the Final season of this show (it ran on CBS in a Saturday Morning Time slot for 31 whole episodes. Also it reran on the Canadian channel Family Channel which is probably where I watched it.) like episode 28 out of 31 for this show. This episode involves Sebastian getting a trophy because he worked for King Triton for like 25 years or some shit (how old is Sebastian?  50? He's pretty fucking spry for a 50 year old crab. I do not think crabs live that long??) Anyway Ariel wants to get gems or some shit and they find themselves in a cave and then a Howling Hair Fish bites Flounder and then he turns into a Howling Hair Fish. I like the name Howling Hair Fish. He turns back and forth while Ariel and Sebastian and some random character created for the show called Urchin look for a cure. They find a cure from a stereotypical Romani person. If I were a certain type of person I would write 8 more paragraphs about how this is the worst thing ever but I'm not the kinda guy whos going to get angry at 30 year old entertainment. Time changes things, get over yourself.

So a group of villagers find Flounder and put him in a cage and then get ready to push him off a cliff and into a bottomless pit. He's in a sunken pirate ship for some reason. They actually push it all off but Ariel and friends are able to get the Silver fish to be the cure. They swim over in a circle and Flounder is his old self. It's probably the biggest ass pull I've seen in anything. I really think they couldn't think of how to end the script but they still had to make it so they just went SILVER FISH. YEAH! It's not great. 

Well it's time to talk about the Final Episode which I think is a far better episode of the show than The Beast Within.  It has Tim Curry so that's one thing but it was a more fun of an episode. It involves Tim Curry's character (I am just assuming he voiced the character in all appearances) The Evil Manta trying to raise his son to be just as evil as him. His son's name is Little Evil, which is just funny to me when Ariel goes "There's good in Little Evil!!!". Little Evil ends up meeting Ariel and Ariel shows him how fun it is to be good and just do art at Sebastian's Art School. The Evil Manta does NOT like this and gets his Brain Sponge (which looks like a weird Brain Cloud that drools A LOT.) Oh, and Ariel gets the Brain Sponge to go after The Evil Manta and I was like DAMN THATS HARSH ARIEL but she realizes her misdeed and goes to save him. She then with Little Evil's help literally smash the shit out of the Brain Sponge. I did not expect Ariel the Little Mermaid to literally murder the shit out of a bad guy but here we are. Do not fuck with the Little Mermaid.

I was expecting the Final Episode to be not so great but I did enjoy it. It was much better than The Beast Within as it doesn't have any goofy ass pulls like Silver Fish. Yeah I know it's a Saturday Morning Cartoon but those can literally be done amazingly as many shows still hold up.  I was going to post yeah I think The Little Mermaid should have only been a movie but I kinda want to check out more of this show now. I don't think the original movie needed to have any sequels or remakes but I totally need to know if Ariel the Little Mermaid murders the shit out of any more characters. They literally squish the Brain Sponge which was shown to have sentience. I guess Ariel is more of a hardass Charles Bronson type than I thought.

FINAL VERDICT: I'm actually interested in watching more of this show now. I really kinda want to know why I always forget about it.

Gatekeeping Doesn't Exist but Here's some jerks I'd Gatekeep if I somehow had the power!

 

Well, I think this is going to be an image-less blog post so I won't have to look at google. I have lots of plans for other things that will involve images, like a Spin off to the Final Episode called... The First Episode. Lot's of movie reviews and comic reviews and even bringing back TV reviews for things. I really should have put this in my other post but it's in this one now and you will all have to put up with it. I'm sorry.

Yes people who complain on the internet I have a different opinion on Gatekeeping in that I do not believe it exists. People do try to keep others out of hobbies for some weird reason but in the end you can find people who will do any silly thing with you and these people who attempt KEY WORD ATTEMPT to keep you out of a hobby are just grumpy fuckers. However I am a grumpy fucker but it's not to keep gays or black people out of a hobby, no these are just idiots that ruin a fucking hobby and should be forced into some hole of the internet that no even somewhat mentally healthy person should ever go. Here is a list of people that should be kicked into that hole.

4.) Synderverse fans: Yes, these dickheads still exist despite the fact that Zack Synder does not want to do anything with Warner Brothers ever again. I realized when I was like 10 years old I wasn't going to get a More Adventures in Babysitting or Short Circuit 3 or Gremlins 3. I was sad and devastated by this fact but you know what I GOT THE HELL OVER IT AND I WAS A TEN YEAR OLD CHILD.  You are fucking adult men (and some women too I guess) who can't get over the fact that the vast majority of DC fans did not like the garbage ass movies that shit head made. They were horrible attempts to put those characters on film. They did not get the characters. Now they shit all over James Gunn who might actually do a great job with these characters (however I am now tired of superhero movies and I want them to go away regardless of who is making them) because he has Talent, bringing up the dumb pedophile jokes he made like 15 years ago or bringing up the fact he was friends with someone who got put in prison for being a creepy man towards children. Let's leave it at that. They don't mention the fact Ben Affleck was big old pals with stinky old Harvey Weinstein. These are just very sad weirdos who just need to get over themselves which brings me to the next group.

3.) People who take the shit way too seriously. I don't care if your hobby is being a movie buff or buying VHS tapes of Jane Fonda's Workout Tapes. I don't care if it's loving Knight Rider and making a geocities page for it (yes I'm old, fuck off). Do not take any of this fucking shit seriously, and by that I mean don't make a website you aren't proud of or YouTube videos you aren't proud of or something like that. Take that part seriously as you can, what I'm saying is don't get so fucking overworked about a Spider-Man comic you talk about how you want to skin the writer of it alive. Yes, the new Spider-Man comics coming out today are shitty garbage and I think they should give it up and have Mary Jane Watson and Peter Parker get married again but the only way you are going to get that to happen is to not buy the comic and not say a single thing ABOUT IT. get to marvel THAT way you goofy shits.

2.) Comicsgate/Fandom Menace dickheads. These guys are just bigots, angry fucking bigots. They scream about how every thing that stars a black person or a  gay person or a jewish person or any fucking person who isn't a MAGA idiot is woke. A term that needs to die in a fire. A huge ugly dirty fucking fire. I'm sorry that they let a legacy hero (a hero that takes the name and mantle of another hero, something dating back to 1956) be a black person or a woman or any group of people you are angry at because you are a stupid piece of shit and I hate you. Oh,  All of this stuff has discussed political and social issues. Even the goofy 1980s and 1990s sitcoms you watched. All of it. Sorry that you have to find that out now as a stupid shitty adult. Oh and the other side of this is that it gets people to make videos against them and then they just make money OFF those videos. You are just helping these idiots left wingers. Stop making videos on them.

1.) Speculators/Fuckers who want to make money on this shit. These guys ruined a hobby of mine. I used to collect NES games. I got close to the end too. Like over 650 games. Way more than any person actually needs to own. I just realized that games that you could get for maybe 50 bucks are now going for a 180 bucks. Yeah you can argue that Secret Scout is rare but it isn't good. 50 bucks was already asking too much. I don't know what the price of it is now, because I gave up. I am not a super rich man or a youtuber or someone who can just throw money around. I don't have 200 or more bucks to spend (I would have to buy an 180 copy on eBay and it would cost way to much more to get it to Canada.) These guys started on NintendoAge and now are gumming up Youtube way too much. They make a fun video and start a parasocial relationship with the viewers and then sell all the stuff they bought in the video. You were like WHAT I THOUGHT YOU WERE KEEPING THAT COOL THING BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A HUGE FAN but nope selling it to you to get money! COOL GUYS! I LOVE THEM! actually no I don't. They are ruining another hobby of mine. This website used to sell comics at a reasonable price and now they want 125 bucks for a random issue of Tales of Suspense because of the stupid movies and the stupid speculator shitheads who are like WOAH THEY ARE TOTALLY GOING TO USE THE SCARLET BEETLE IN A MCU MOVIE!!!!! and that's not it. These people want so much for any of this stuff. I'm sorry but a California Raisin playing the saxophone is not worth 16 bucks plus 20 shipping. 

Yeah, I'm done. Fuck these jerks.