Why Collecting Retro Video Games SUCKS Now!

 

I was about to call this blog post "Why Collecting Video Games Is Lame Now!" but I realized that it was always lame. Buying these old games was seen as weird and foolish for the longest time. You brought it up to people and maybe, maybe 1 in like 25 would be like Hey that's cool! instead of a joke about the games being stupid and terrible or a "uh okay"! You got these games for nothing. Literally nothing. I don't have it any more but I got Snow Brothers. a NES game that people shit their pants over (It's enjoyable but nothing amazing. Portnoyd will disagree and be a butthole about it) because its rare for free when I first started collecting from my mothers friend. Along with other 10 or so more games and like two NES systems. For FREE. A game that now makes people shit their pants and go WOAH if they see it on one of their YouTube shows (which are all probably faked. I don't care what the creators say. Some of the characters 'they' play can be somewhat fun but they all fake the shit. 

Anyway I've decided to tell you my history over all this shit because I am the coolest man alive. and by coolest man alive I mean a sad sack whos up at 8 in the morning talking about stupid Retro games instead of trying to fix this mess of a life. Oh, I got too depressing again. It all starts with the N64. I remember just being so disappointed with that game system when I got it for Christmas that after waiting like hours for my cousin to come by to hook it up (I don't know why we waited for him) a few hours after I unhooked it up to play my SNES. Which for whatever reason got me thinking about the games made BEFORE the SNES. I dunno. It helped me want to get my ex-friends NES. For the longest time my mother wasn't for it until she got some for free. She didn't want to spend like the 30 or 40 bucks my ex-friend wanted even though it came with so many games (which were my games from my childhood. I wish I had 40 bucks or whatever the price was when I was a kid. So yeah I finally got a NES, went fucking wild on games I had found on old websites. I found the NES scene and I'm still talking to people from there these days.

I at one point decided to go for every game. I mean I had collected at least 250 or so games I liked to some degree so let's get that up to 650. Or close to there. I had Little Samson. I had Panic Restaurant. I had Duck Tales 2. I had Rescue Rangers 2. I had all of those games people go ga-ga for because they were rare and worth money. not because they were fun games that are worth playing. The only one I didn't have was Flintstones 2. I didn't have the insane price they wanted for that game in 2009-2014. The 650 bucks. I think that game was fun and enjoyable. I think the game is entertaining. I enjoy playing it. Oh, that's because I play on an everdrive because this is where I sold all of my games. All of them. I kinda wish I had kept some of the earliest games I remember picking up for nostalgia sake but man I was just in the mood to collect comics (which also got impossible to collect for now too!) so I sold it all.

The Big Pandemic happened and it somehow got even worse. EVEN WORSE. So let's get into some reasons why.

4.) You Tubers. I'm going to admit to you guys that I enjoy some You Tubers. I enjoyed the AVGN. I enjoyed some of his clones. I enjoyed The Game Chasers. I enjoyed Retro Rick. I enjoyed those NES Liberty guys. I didn't enjoy everyone but I'll shit on those guys in another reason. These guys helped make it "COOL" for just everyone and probably a lot of Generation Z to pick up and play games. All of them. These guys are personable and entertaining. I wouldn't say they are creative really. They are just going out around their areas picking up games, but entertaining enough to people to want to pick up stuff. I guess I watch these guys because getting any kind of things in Newfoundland right now is like trying to get blood from a turnip. I guess that's why I watch these guys. I want to find things but I can't. Finding a game/toy/comic/dildo at a store or some place for cheap or whatever is one of the FUN parts of collecting. Any old goober can go on eBay and spend money. Which brings me to the second point.

3.) Brute Force Collecting. This is the part Portnoyd will enjoy the most. There was a website called Nintendo Age. They started in like what 2005? 2006? 2007? I don't know. I would only visit the website when I wanted to be annoyed and if you know me I like to annoy my self by looking at things that make me want to punch something. The vast majority of these guys would just throw the seemingly endless amounts of money they had to own a game. It didn't matter what game it was they would just go on eBay and own it by having more money because they gave their sugar daddy a mean blowjob that made his 84 year old dick feel something again. I'm not trying to make fun of gays or people who want to fuck the elderly or prostitutes. I'm just saying they got way too much money for being useless and stupid. When several losers throw money at you to own Donkey Kong Jr Math (which is not worth whatever obscene price it goes for. That game is not rare.) you will raise the price when selling it on eBay. I would. The guy down the street would. We pretty much have too in this society that is crushing the little guy, when some jack off idiot is like OH MAN LET ME GIVE YOU 350 BUCKS FOR THAT GAME!!!!! They did this for like every game, except the super dirt common shit. Seriously in the past Funcoland would sell Super Mario Brothers for 15 cents and these goobers throw you a 20 dollar bill. I hope they wasted all their money and have to live in a shithole house, but it's worth it because you have a fucking game where Donkey Kong Jr teaches you math that no child wanted to play in 1986.

2.) No creativity. The only Retro game youtuber I will give any credit to for being actually creative is The Angry Video Game Man and even then he's just doing videos of the silly ass game reviews people would do on the internet. He's still going way downhill and all that but still these youtubers like John R iggs and Metal Jesus Sucks are boringly making videos about these games. So many silly literal children aged 13-21 would come up with tons of creative websites for just silly ass fun. Goofy concepts just made by ripping a game sprite and having it do some silly shit. Not serious or anything, way better than John Riggs trying to tell you about a video game and have you not fall asleep. He's a boring turd.

1.) So many idiots and jerks in the community now. Seriously look at reddit game collecting and not want to rip your hair out. They take pictures of Wii U games and go OOO LOOK AT WHAT I GOT!!!!! A GREAT HAUL!!!! bitch people would take pictures of them coming home with like 25 NES games for less than 30 bucks back in the day! I think I just hate everyone who posts on the internet these days. You could at one time find people you'd enjoy talking too on the internet and even the really stupid assholes were at least weirdly endearing. Not today. Now everyone is a stupid asshole who seems to collect to either impress a YouTuber because they think they are friends because they have no friends and created a parasocial bond with a guy they watch on YouTube and they chose John Riggs or some shit. Also they just want it to be a thing where it's like the stock market. Just go to the fucking stock market and stop trying to shit on hobbies. You will probably make money easier on the damn stock market you wiener.

I'm tired of all this stupid shit. Let Portnoyd yell about something for a minute here.

Please stop doing reboots, please. I want this reboot ride to stop.

 If the 2010s will be known for anything it will be known for literally taking everything from the past and rebooting it. That and superhero movies. When I mean everything I literally mean everything. I mean fucking everything. They made a new version of White Men Can't Jump a movie only I and other sad weirdos remember. It's a forgotten dusty old movie. I have not seen a single person on the internet ever talk about White Men Can't Jump except for like it's letterboxd page since 1997 when I joined the internet. So I have to talk about reboots.

Reboots and remakes and all that do in fact go back to the earliest days of Hollywood. The movie The Maltese Falcon, you know the famous one. That's a remake of an earlier film. This is not to trash the concept of remakes, there are a LARGE amount of incredibly great films that are remakes. There are a large amount of pretty darn good remakes. A lot of stuff remade from foreign films because the idea was good but who the hell wants to watch some French wieners try to be funny when you can just get Michael Caine and Steve Martin to do it in an a funny non-French way. It's just that well you'll see the issues I have because I have several of them.

4.) Most things are of their time. Okay, let's go back to White Men Can't Jump. That movie is probably rewatched by two people, people who want to see every movie that either Woodrow Harrelson or Wesleyton Snipes were in. And yes those are their actual birth names, don't ask me how I know that. Or people just wanting to enjoy something very 1990s. I mean I haven't rewatched White Men Can't Jump but I'm going to assume It's very 1990s. Seriously just look at the damn name. It's 1993 to its core. I don't think you could get a more 1993 thing if you tried. It was a product of its time, It does and will not work in any other time. Unless you somehow want to get great writers and actors to make it something completely different and well that will just bring us to my second point.

3.) a lot of these are just horse shit: A good number of these reboots are just thrown together as cheaply and quickly as possible to get money on a name, the PERFECT example is the Live Action Disney Remake of Pinocchio. The original movie, well, I can't really talk about because I have not seen it in probably almost 30 years but I will tell you this. I'm sure it does what it sets out to do better than the lazy ass remake. It's got Tom Hanks just not giving a shit. It's got poor CGI. It literally fucks up the theme of the original movie in so many fucking ways. Pinocchio seems like he's watching the movie WITH us instead of being a character IN the movie. He doesn't even turn into a boy at the end! What a fucking load of shit that movie was and the majority of them are like that. Just poor material.

2.) The vast majority of this stuff holds up fine. Maybe I am just a biased because of my age (seriously it seems like the 1990s were the last time that they would show tons of stuff from the 1960s and 1970s on television) and the fact I'm stuck in the past but the vast majority of stuff they want to remake is just stuff that holds up fine and hell LOOKS AND WORKS better than any of these sequels or remakes or reboots or anything. They don't need to be remade. I don't even care about the whole "hey let's remake something "bad" " because that bad thing probably has more of a cool 70s or 80s o 90s feel than the bland 10s/20s feel a lot of movies today have.

1.) I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't enjoy some reboots or requels or long outdated sequels but the majority of this stuff just feels like they are grabbing a name and going YEAH WELL GET THE PEOPLE. They are rebooting Matlock of all things with Kathy Bates. I think it's not even going to be a lawyer character. I dunno. I mean I'm all for changing some things with a reboot but when you change everything why the hell use the name? To get the fans of the original to watch. I uh, hate to tell you but Matlock was a show people my grandparents age would have watched and that group of human beings is dwindling each day. A whole hell of a lot of them have already passed away. It's literally trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. You can't just make something popular. I don't think the people who DID watch Matlock and are still alive would want to watch it. They'd probably just rather watch the original show and remember when they were a spry 45-65 year old man or woman and not like 70 to 130 now. Like what the hell.

Seriously if you are going to reboot things, try to find things that one were so terrible that not even I can give any love to it (I am a forgiving man towards this stuff) and people actually still care about in the present day, but no you won't. You'll probably just remake Misfits of Science because you have the rights and get pissed when no one watches it.

The Final Episode #105: The Little Mermaid (1992 - 1994)

 

Yep, It's time to bring back my favorite series on this blog. I don't know if I ever mentioned it was my favorite series of blog posts before this but it is. It's a lot of fun to actually check out a tv show from like the 1950s to around 2000 (this is a nostalgia blog after all, but you might get to see some stuff after 2000  but it's very rare. It's fun to see if the episode ends the show on a good note, like feeling fulfilling. Or does the episode just feel like some thrown together rubbish because it was season 12 and no one cared anymore. Or was it just a regular episode that you'd never realize was the Final Episode until you google searched it or realized the next day when they showed episode one again. Like you'd have to wait for google to tell you or wait for the next day in the time before Google.

I wanted to talk about this show for three reasons. 1.) The probably terrible Little Mermaid remake is out in theatres now and I want brand synergy! Yes! Disney will see this blog and promote it even though I'm shitting on the remake because it's very lazy and I don't want to talk about it! Even though I will because I said I'm going to review or mini review every Disney film. Including stuff like Touchstone and other companies. I guess that now includes 20th Century Fox. Wow I'm never going to finish that ever am I? 2.) I want to finish up talking about the other Disney shows that were put out during this time period and there are more left than you'd expect. 3.) Despite loving the Little Mermaid movie (yes I was one of the boys who watched girl things. I mean WE ALL did but I did it proudly! I love the Little Mermaid movie and think it is cool and good.) and even owning it on VHS (probably the VHS that had the phallus looking thing on it too!) I do not remember this show. I mean I actually remember watching it and knowing it existed but I don't remember a single thing about it. Not a single thing. I gotta figure out why that's that.

So Since I don't remember ANYTHING about this TV show that means I talk about a second episode before I go in more depth with the Final Episode. Mostly to get a feel for the show and mostly to make it look like I put more effort into this blog post. Just because It's my favorite to do doesn't mean I don't end up being lazy as fucking hell. Anyway the episode I wanted to watch was called Thingamajig and was about a pirate boot falling into the ocean and the character that will appear in the Final Episode the Manta Ray (voiced by Tim Curry, the greatest actor who ever lived. I do not care what you say HE IS THE GREATEST. Every time I see him or hear his voice I literally get so happy I don't know what to do with myself. He is always ALWAYS fun as hell to watch.) Anyway despite what the youtube video said it was NOT that episode and I got something else instead. I wanted to see the Lobster Mobster! Who could say no to something with that great of a name?

Anyway the episode I actually ended up watching was "The Beast Within" from the Final season of this show (it ran on CBS in a Saturday Morning Time slot for 31 whole episodes. Also it reran on the Canadian channel Family Channel which is probably where I watched it.) like episode 28 out of 31 for this show. This episode involves Sebastian getting a trophy because he worked for King Triton for like 25 years or some shit (how old is Sebastian?  50? He's pretty fucking spry for a 50 year old crab. I do not think crabs live that long??) Anyway Ariel wants to get gems or some shit and they find themselves in a cave and then a Howling Hair Fish bites Flounder and then he turns into a Howling Hair Fish. I like the name Howling Hair Fish. He turns back and forth while Ariel and Sebastian and some random character created for the show called Urchin look for a cure. They find a cure from a stereotypical Romani person. If I were a certain type of person I would write 8 more paragraphs about how this is the worst thing ever but I'm not the kinda guy whos going to get angry at 30 year old entertainment. Time changes things, get over yourself.

So a group of villagers find Flounder and put him in a cage and then get ready to push him off a cliff and into a bottomless pit. He's in a sunken pirate ship for some reason. They actually push it all off but Ariel and friends are able to get the Silver fish to be the cure. They swim over in a circle and Flounder is his old self. It's probably the biggest ass pull I've seen in anything. I really think they couldn't think of how to end the script but they still had to make it so they just went SILVER FISH. YEAH! It's not great. 

Well it's time to talk about the Final Episode which I think is a far better episode of the show than The Beast Within.  It has Tim Curry so that's one thing but it was a more fun of an episode. It involves Tim Curry's character (I am just assuming he voiced the character in all appearances) The Evil Manta trying to raise his son to be just as evil as him. His son's name is Little Evil, which is just funny to me when Ariel goes "There's good in Little Evil!!!". Little Evil ends up meeting Ariel and Ariel shows him how fun it is to be good and just do art at Sebastian's Art School. The Evil Manta does NOT like this and gets his Brain Sponge (which looks like a weird Brain Cloud that drools A LOT.) Oh, and Ariel gets the Brain Sponge to go after The Evil Manta and I was like DAMN THATS HARSH ARIEL but she realizes her misdeed and goes to save him. She then with Little Evil's help literally smash the shit out of the Brain Sponge. I did not expect Ariel the Little Mermaid to literally murder the shit out of a bad guy but here we are. Do not fuck with the Little Mermaid.

I was expecting the Final Episode to be not so great but I did enjoy it. It was much better than The Beast Within as it doesn't have any goofy ass pulls like Silver Fish. Yeah I know it's a Saturday Morning Cartoon but those can literally be done amazingly as many shows still hold up.  I was going to post yeah I think The Little Mermaid should have only been a movie but I kinda want to check out more of this show now. I don't think the original movie needed to have any sequels or remakes but I totally need to know if Ariel the Little Mermaid murders the shit out of any more characters. They literally squish the Brain Sponge which was shown to have sentience. I guess Ariel is more of a hardass Charles Bronson type than I thought.

FINAL VERDICT: I'm actually interested in watching more of this show now. I really kinda want to know why I always forget about it.

Gatekeeping Doesn't Exist but Here's some jerks I'd Gatekeep if I somehow had the power!

 

Well, I think this is going to be an image-less blog post so I won't have to look at google. I have lots of plans for other things that will involve images, like a Spin off to the Final Episode called... The First Episode. Lot's of movie reviews and comic reviews and even bringing back TV reviews for things. I really should have put this in my other post but it's in this one now and you will all have to put up with it. I'm sorry.

Yes people who complain on the internet I have a different opinion on Gatekeeping in that I do not believe it exists. People do try to keep others out of hobbies for some weird reason but in the end you can find people who will do any silly thing with you and these people who attempt KEY WORD ATTEMPT to keep you out of a hobby are just grumpy fuckers. However I am a grumpy fucker but it's not to keep gays or black people out of a hobby, no these are just idiots that ruin a fucking hobby and should be forced into some hole of the internet that no even somewhat mentally healthy person should ever go. Here is a list of people that should be kicked into that hole.

4.) Synderverse fans: Yes, these dickheads still exist despite the fact that Zack Synder does not want to do anything with Warner Brothers ever again. I realized when I was like 10 years old I wasn't going to get a More Adventures in Babysitting or Short Circuit 3 or Gremlins 3. I was sad and devastated by this fact but you know what I GOT THE HELL OVER IT AND I WAS A TEN YEAR OLD CHILD.  You are fucking adult men (and some women too I guess) who can't get over the fact that the vast majority of DC fans did not like the garbage ass movies that shit head made. They were horrible attempts to put those characters on film. They did not get the characters. Now they shit all over James Gunn who might actually do a great job with these characters (however I am now tired of superhero movies and I want them to go away regardless of who is making them) because he has Talent, bringing up the dumb pedophile jokes he made like 15 years ago or bringing up the fact he was friends with someone who got put in prison for being a creepy man towards children. Let's leave it at that. They don't mention the fact Ben Affleck was big old pals with stinky old Harvey Weinstein. These are just very sad weirdos who just need to get over themselves which brings me to the next group.

3.) People who take the shit way too seriously. I don't care if your hobby is being a movie buff or buying VHS tapes of Jane Fonda's Workout Tapes. I don't care if it's loving Knight Rider and making a geocities page for it (yes I'm old, fuck off). Do not take any of this fucking shit seriously, and by that I mean don't make a website you aren't proud of or YouTube videos you aren't proud of or something like that. Take that part seriously as you can, what I'm saying is don't get so fucking overworked about a Spider-Man comic you talk about how you want to skin the writer of it alive. Yes, the new Spider-Man comics coming out today are shitty garbage and I think they should give it up and have Mary Jane Watson and Peter Parker get married again but the only way you are going to get that to happen is to not buy the comic and not say a single thing ABOUT IT. get to marvel THAT way you goofy shits.

2.) Comicsgate/Fandom Menace dickheads. These guys are just bigots, angry fucking bigots. They scream about how every thing that stars a black person or a  gay person or a jewish person or any fucking person who isn't a MAGA idiot is woke. A term that needs to die in a fire. A huge ugly dirty fucking fire. I'm sorry that they let a legacy hero (a hero that takes the name and mantle of another hero, something dating back to 1956) be a black person or a woman or any group of people you are angry at because you are a stupid piece of shit and I hate you. Oh,  All of this stuff has discussed political and social issues. Even the goofy 1980s and 1990s sitcoms you watched. All of it. Sorry that you have to find that out now as a stupid shitty adult. Oh and the other side of this is that it gets people to make videos against them and then they just make money OFF those videos. You are just helping these idiots left wingers. Stop making videos on them.

1.) Speculators/Fuckers who want to make money on this shit. These guys ruined a hobby of mine. I used to collect NES games. I got close to the end too. Like over 650 games. Way more than any person actually needs to own. I just realized that games that you could get for maybe 50 bucks are now going for a 180 bucks. Yeah you can argue that Secret Scout is rare but it isn't good. 50 bucks was already asking too much. I don't know what the price of it is now, because I gave up. I am not a super rich man or a youtuber or someone who can just throw money around. I don't have 200 or more bucks to spend (I would have to buy an 180 copy on eBay and it would cost way to much more to get it to Canada.) These guys started on NintendoAge and now are gumming up Youtube way too much. They make a fun video and start a parasocial relationship with the viewers and then sell all the stuff they bought in the video. You were like WHAT I THOUGHT YOU WERE KEEPING THAT COOL THING BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A HUGE FAN but nope selling it to you to get money! COOL GUYS! I LOVE THEM! actually no I don't. They are ruining another hobby of mine. This website used to sell comics at a reasonable price and now they want 125 bucks for a random issue of Tales of Suspense because of the stupid movies and the stupid speculator shitheads who are like WOAH THEY ARE TOTALLY GOING TO USE THE SCARLET BEETLE IN A MCU MOVIE!!!!! and that's not it. These people want so much for any of this stuff. I'm sorry but a California Raisin playing the saxophone is not worth 16 bucks plus 20 shipping. 

Yeah, I'm done. Fuck these jerks.

Movie Review #75: Witchcraft (1988)

 

Well when you bring something back, you gotta bring it back with a BANG! So I decided that today I would watch the second longest running horror series of all time. Witchcraft is that series. 16 whopping sequels. These direct to video witches and warlocks beat the shit out of Jason, and Freddy, and Chucky and Pinhead and Michael Myers and all. The longest series is Amityville and I don't really like giving that to them because you can easily just put Amityville on any movie because its not copywritten. I could literally make Amityville Pot Smokers and have it not even take place in Amityville and just have it be a stupid pod smoker movie instead of a haunted house. I think Amityville shouldn't count. I like the days when WitchCraft was the #1 spot holder!

Well this series has always had a weird place within horror communities across the internet. Never positive from the people who had seen a few of them. No one really trying to see them all. Always the punch line. I think I saw one of these movies but I have no fucking clue which one of them it was. Just that it had a whole lot of naked ladies. You see Witchcraft may be considered horror but really it should be be called soft core pornography.  The horror stuff is like maybe 15 minutes and the rest of the run time is boobies. You know the movies you would rent as a hornball 13 year old. They really have no place within a time where most everyone can get on the internet and look at naked women. doing some wild ass shit, but somehow they came out into the late 2010s. I'm too lazy to look up but I'm pretty sure they got to 2016 or 2017 which is way too into the high speed internet era for soft core porno horror movies.

I don't know when I first came across these movies. Maybe it was in the movie store where I would pass them by because I wanted the cooler looking movies. Maybe it was on the internet forum Joblo where I learned about every stupid horror movie I could and made a list of horror movies to watch that I'm still going through now in 20fucking23. It was a lot of fucking movies. I don't think I'll ever watch them all. It didn't help that I found movies from other genres too. Too many movies, so little time. Anyway I'm sure I could have picked better movies than this one but I said to my friend COUNT CHOCULA that I will watch all of them. I also think I said I'd watch all Amityville Horror movies too so get ready to see reviews of them. I was thinking about bringing back the blog so I figured reviews of Witchcraft movies would really bring in the views! All of them! I am the real winner here! I WILL BE THE KING OF THE INTERNET AFTER THIS!

So uh here is where I'd talk about the actors and what they did before and after this but none of them were ever in anything even remotely interesting (and when even I'm not remotely interested in something you know it's gotta be a huge smelly pile of bird poop. Bird poop is really gross. it's white and stuff. Something about that really skeeves me out.) The only thing I can say is that the director of this movie also directed Leprechaun in the Hood. I wish I was talking about Leprechaun in the Hood instead of this movie. So whats the plot of this movie. Uh some satanic witches get brought back from the dead and one of them marries a woman so that they can turn her son into a Satanic man lover or some shit. I don't know. There's not much plot here. Or nudity. Yeah the first movie is apparently the only one which wasn't horny as shit. Strange.

This movie was incredibly boring and full of boring actors, however I actually did like a few things.  Uh two scenes made me laugh and one scene has a secret passageway. I fucking love secret passageways to a extreme insane manner and I will always love seeing one in a movie, even a shitty one like this. What actually kept me awake during this movie were two of the actors. One was the main lady Grace and the other one was her slightly goofy friend Linda. I really liked these two. They felt like they were really friends. Grace is from Poland and lives in America. Linda is just an late 80s babe. The greatest kind of babe. Do people even use the term babe anymore? 

I was legitimately hoping that Linda would turn out to be a good witch and they would have a cheap effects battle. None of that happens. The mute tall guy who shows up for like two scenes and then comes back at the end to STEAL WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LINDAS by killing the two witches with a knife. I wanted some fucking shitty electrical shit flying out of their hands and that doesn't happen. How the fuck do you make a movie so cheap and shitty that you can't even do THAT? I want that kinda shit.

This movie took the one part of it that I was enjoying and literally shoved it up it's asshole. Fuck Witchcraft. I do not look forward to the next 15 fucking movies.

Video Game Review #1: Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure (1991)

 

Yes, I know you expected me to update this again sometime in 2022 but I took another swerve and didn't do anything until 2023. I don't even know why because I was ansted (not a word but I don't care.) up to talk about dumb shit again. I'm pretty sure I went back to twitter around this time and that is a bad thing that I should not have done. I should have at least talked to no one but sometimes portnoyd and joust. Portnoyd's comments were all LOL CLAW IS WRONG and that joke should have died in like 2018 but portnoyd doesn't think that horse is dead enough apparently. Still that joke is better than fucking twitter. So because I want to yell about this game and no one on twitter cares about it I am finally bringing back the blog! 

So we start out this hopefully fun endeavour with a review of a licensed game from the NES era. I think Licensed games from this era get a bad rap and a lot of the ones that are considered bad are actually good but no I wouldn't talk about anything good for a first post no I gotta dig into the NES' dirty asshole and pull out one of the smelliest turds the console ever put out. Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure. I think that's the full title. I'm not going to check because fuck this game in it's ass hole. You should know that if you are reading a goofy nostalgia blog like this in the year of our lord 2023, especially one as bad as this who Bill and Ted are. They starred in three rather enjoyable movies that I love. Yes Bill and Ted were so cool that unlike the majority of things that were brought back between 2018 and 2053 (they won't stop until it is all brought back so get ready for Drexell's Class: The Return!) 

I don't know when I first encountered Mr. Preston and Mr. Logan but I do remember my classmate making fun of me when I tried to do an air guitar. Yes I'm that awkward at things, but me and that classmate got along and liked each other. I miss him. I even miss the other classmates that didn't seem to like me that much. It's a shame that he didn't live past twenty years old. It's also a shame that he has to be mentioned in this blog. I will let him punch me right in the face when I enter heaven for that horrible crime. 

I figure I should start out with the positives and I'll say that the graphics are pretty good. Like the houses and backgrounds and characters and all of that look very well done for the NES. the only problem with that is that no one has any facial features on their face. It's very weird and I am not a fan. I can't be very positive about the music because it's not really good and sometimes just isn't even playing because this game was rushed out after the second movie to make some dough when Bill and Ted somehow had a live action show AND a cartoon. What a world we lived in. Nothing today can top that!

Now for all the negatives, the really shitty negatives. I'm gonna work my way up from least annoying to most annoying. First off the stupid fucking mini game you have to play to get INTO the levels is fucking horse shit of the highest degree. HIGHEST FUCKING DEGREE. you hit a skeleton, you lose a coin, you move on to the next thing you lose TWO coins. You either have  to hope you hit it at the right time to get into a farther off number or you just lose coins. You get 30 coins and you can bet your ass you end up losing more than you'd expect. Or maybe I'm just really bad at this mini game, either way it sucks shit and I hate it so much.

The second thing is the fucking guys who chase you and take you to jail and you have to use one of these keys to get out. They aren't so bad at the beginning but holy shit they jam pack those fuckers into the final few stages. It gets to the point to where you need to  fucking pray to God that you'll find the historical bait the first time you jump on something AND find the house the historical figure is in and there is no way that happens. It is a one in one zillion billion million trillion chance that both happen so enjoy losing the keys and yelling at the game.

Those two problems are awful don't get me wrong and if they were still there the game would only be able to get a paltry two and a half stars out of five meaning it would be still nothing more than a game you play when you've played everything else but no here is the reason this game gets nothing. This is a zero star game for sure. No you see there are trees and bushes and all kinds of things that you have to JUMP on to get a historical bait item for the historical person to end up showing up in one of the houses, and they didn't bother to let you know which four points you'll have to jump on (or if you get lucky just one) are. Not changing a bush to red or something to make you go OH THATS WHAT I GOTTA JUMP ON. nope, just pointless jumping on everything and everything looks the same so you'll end up jumping ON EVERYTHING SO MANY FUCKING TIMES. You will have to use a youtube video to beat this game and that's not much fun either.  Just fix a few mistakes and I'd have no problem exploring the level, but the people at Rocket Science Productions or whatever their stupid name is (I didn't give them a paragraph on what other games they did becaues they did one other game before fucking off to who knows where... the slightly better Mutant Virus for the NES) 

This game is just not fun. That's the ending pargaraph. Or sentences. Or sentence fragments. Whatever you aren't my 3rd Grade Teacher so shut up about this shit.

Comic Review #81: NFL Superpro #1 (1991)

 

Alright baby! It's time for us to review one of the goofiest and most disliked (by people who probably haven't even read it) Marvel Comics of the 1990s. It's NFL SuperPro. I didn't know that there was an appearance of NFL SuperPro before this so this isn't actually his first appearance. If this is somehow a huge hit I'll talk about more comics but to be completely fair this is not a great comic book. It's not as bad as everyone says. I'd read it again over Identity Crisis but it has some huge ass flaws within it. Anyway let's get into some of the history around this comic and one of its creators!

So the NFL comes to Marvel Comics wanting to help create a comic book hero (They own the character apparently because Robert Kirkman of the Walking Dead wanted to use the character and couldn't due to copyright and all that jazz) and make a comic about it. The only reason Fabian Nicizea wrote any issues of this comic was for free Football tickets. It was lucky that he liked Football I guess because I don't think any of Marvel's other creators wanted to work on it at all. He left after four issues and they had to go for Buzz Dixon, a guy who mostly wrote for every cartoon series in the 1980s and 1990s. Well mostly the 80s but still did some 90s stuff too. Look at his Wikipedia article here and you'll realize that Buzz was pretty awesome.

So this is a pretty simple story. We start out at a building with a sniper. NFL SuperPro shows up and has a big old speech for the guy! How they are NOT going to get Tim Pressman. However it turns out that there's another assassin! However it seems that guy killed the wrong guy! He's gets into a chase over him and we see Spider-Man! Yep it was the 1990s and if you wanted to get eyes on a new character you put him or The Punisher or Wolverine or Ghost Rider in there. Those sons of bitches sold stuff. The only problem with this is that they never actually team up and it feels Spider-Man does more stuff within the comic then the actual hero of the comic! Spider-Man feels more important to this story than NFL SuperPro but then again who would you want to write a story about NFL SuperPro or Spider-Man.

So we meet some random characters that will show up in the series. You know the non-super powered secondary cast. His pal that helps him as a Superhero and his girlfriend. We also see a flash back to how he got his powers and man I wish I had read and was talking about THAT comics instead. Anyway there's a press conference about Tim Pressman who people think is throwing games for a big jerky turd of a mob boss. He wants him kept quiet so the assassin from earlier comes back and dies when running away from Spider-Man. Dumbass forgot he was on a fuckin roof. Anyway NFL SuperPro finally fights some guys at Pressman's house. He finally did something! Anyway Tim Pressman is saved from jail because well all of these guys trying to kill him makes his assertion of how he didn't do it look pretty good and true.

FINAL VERDICT: You know I thought I would get more content out of this comic but it feels very "Yeah yeah I'll get to that after I do the stuff I care about" and that's never much fun. The art also feels rushed too. Some of it is good and other stuff just looks ugly. No one cared about this comic and thats why you get a blah comic instead of a really bad one. I might end up reading some of the issues Buzz Dixon did just to see if it gets any weirder but man this disappointed me a lot.

Comic Review #80: Vigilante #1 (1983)

 

I should mention to you all why I chose to pick this series, It's for really 3 simple reasons. 1.) It like Darkhawk was a series I wanted to read in full. I've only read random issues of this series. Like issues 2-24 I want to say. They entertained me enough to want to see the rest. 2.) I like the talk about things that don't get as much attention from people these days. So many people bitching and moaning about how entertainment isn't good these days (I personally think it's silly to say all entertainment in an decade is either good or bad. All decades have some really awful shit.) and I'm wanting them to come here and see this. Actually I'm not wanting them to come here and see this because they will complain about wokeness and I will have to rip out what's left of my hair and I don't have a lot of that. The 3rd and Final Reason is that I've always been a fan of Vigilante fiction, in movies, tv, books whatever. I know why Vigilantes can't and shouldn't work in the real world but it's still very cathartic to see some garbage bastard who got past the wall get shot in the dick. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

So Vigilante had 50 issues, 2 annuals and the origin in The New Teen Titans. So that's 53 issues. One has already been covered so that's 52. Weird how this series went as long as Darkhawk. Anyway, this was one of DC's more expensive comics at the time. They used better paper AND This got pretty graphic and wild. This was them trying something more serious and from what I read it mostly worked. The series had two main writers, the first half was by Marv Wolfman and the second half was by Paul Kupperberg. Mr. Alan Moore, the British Rasputin wrote a two parter in the first half. I've heard the Paul Kupperberg stuff gets crazy and I can't wait to see how it goes. First though we gotta discuss the first issue of Vigilante. 

Alright! Now this is a great start off for things. We start with a big gangster jerkoff named Quilt talking to a very stereotypical homosexual man. Not trying to be funny seriously, look the guy up. He's named Brand. Brand is the hitman for Quilt. He kills people and then brands them with a cow poker. Hey it's a comic book the man's gotta have a gimmick! Anyway we see Brand trying to attack a woman and her husband. He shoots Brand but he escapes and is sent to jail for not having his handgun registered. He breaks out of the court room and runs off to hurt this Quilt guy. He finds him there later even eating with the judge showing us that this guy has money to buy off judges. He doesn't go for the cop he goes for the judge! Anyway Quilt being in a comic book has a gas system in place that kills the Husband Al. 

We then go to the Vigilante who is thinking about the song I am A Rock by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. I like that song. Anyway this is where we are introduced to Tersea Gomez the person who goes and gets files for him. His information gal. We also meet J.J. who is the gadgets guy. I assume he made the KICKIN' RAD motorcycle he has. Tersea gets him to talk to her friend after she mentions Quilt. He talks to her friend, the widow lady. He talks about how he won't let cops die on his watch even if they are out to get him on his drive to Quilt. These pages are the best in the book because I think Keith Pollard wanted them to stand out the best. I didn't mention him earlier but he was a great artist and it's a shame that it seems that he hasn't done any comic book work since 1996. He gets into Quilt and during a workout Quilt tells him that she stole from him. He says he will go back to her but to watch out because he still killed her husband.

Vigilante finds out The Widow left and he has to go find her. Not too hard just searching through her relatives and everything. He finds out that yes she had been blackmailing him but not for money. You see Quilt and the Widow had a son together. Al her deceased husband didn't care who the father was he just loved her. That love would now be called cuckery by some shitty people but I still think it's genuine and sweet. However Brand didn't listen to Quilt and went after the Vigilante. He finds out where he's gone and it's Coney Island. They get into a giant fight on a damn rollercoaster and well let's just say Brand won't be a reoccurring villain. 

The Vigilante then goes to Quilt and Quilt is like YEAH I GOT ALL THE JUDGES BOUGHT OUT but Vigilante said that with the information in the file she stole that his own Grandmother would put him under. He also says she never intended to use it. He then says he did it all to see his son again. Tommy was what he wanted. He reaches for a gun but THE VIGILANTE IS F ASTER and BLAM Quilts fuckin dead. Man this was a fun issue. Great fight scenes. great art. A villain you want to see get shot in the ballsack (but is still more than a two dimensional character). This issue shouldn't be too hard to find in most comic stores and shouldn't be too expensive. It's worth getting for your collection!

FINAL VERDICT: I really really enjoyed this. A fun set of villains. Lot's of action.. A COOL FUCKIN MOTORCYCLE. I want to see where Adrian Chase ends up now. A great start for a series. 

Ranking Every NES Game From Worst to Best Part 4 (Games #739 - 730)

 

Here we go again! That's right it's time for some more piss poor mini-reviews of some piss poor NES games that you should never play. Hey that's what happens when you start worst to best. We will get to the stuff I like around game 340 or something. Yeah the NES had a lot of poo-poo on it. So let's discuss said poo-poo!

Game #739: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: I'm surprised that this is the first time I've talked about the Killer Tomatoes on this blog. It was a series of four silly ass comedy movies that came out around 1978 to 1992 I believe. They even had a cartoon show on fox. John Astin plays a crazy scientist in at least three of them and is the best part! I just want you to know that Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is a fun series of movies and I vaguely recall the animated series which is what this game is based on. I'm sure said series was way better than this game. It was made by Imagineering which might have made the worst platformers for the NES. I think there's like one game I kinda like from them. Not a good company. THQ published the game for them and THEY also suck wet ass. They don't even get some nice dry ass to suck. This game is awful for the same reason say Swamp Thing for the NES is awful. Stiff annoying play control. The graphics are fine, the music is fine. I don't remember too many poorly designed levels. It just the play control is like controlling a lead balloon. it's not fun.

Game #738: Swamp Thing. I think this game has the worst controls of any game on the NES. It controls like too tightly and also too loosely. It's hard to explain. It's like they wanted to see if they could go for both kinds of bad controls and they succeeded in that part. Again I actually like the music and the graphics are still good. It's just those shitty garbage play control. 

Game #737: The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man: Man you'd think by 1992 that game developers would have known how to make a NES game. Like you'd think they'd have learnt from their mistakes and would be putting out stuff that's worth a fucking shit, but nope. This was the third in the trilogy of Bart Simpsons games, this time making him Bartman. I think Bartman actually appeared on the Simpsons tv show like once. I mean the Good Simpsons because I have no idea what they are doing with the beloved family these days because I cannot watch it anymore. This however is a review of the video game and not me bitching about the last two decades of a TV show (wow it's actually been more than two decades of bad Simpsons now) This is another Imagineering gem. So you know pulling off the Superhero moves that Bartman has is as easy as pie. And by pie I mean ITS FUCKING FRUSTRATING.  This game somehow outdoes every other Imagineering games controls and I didn't think that was fucking possible! 

Game #736: The Simpsons Bart Vs the World. Some people seem to have positive memories of these games and I don't see how that was possible. I had a copy of Bart Vs the Space Mutants (or I rented it because it was the Damn Simpsons, DAMNIT!) and I don't think it ever got played that much. The games were something I could tell were poor even back then and I'd willingly play and watch just about anything. You have the same shit controls every other piss ass Imagineering game has and I'm glad I only have like one more of there games that are unplayable to play.

Game #735: Ren and Stimpy Buckaroo$. I think this is the first time I've mentioned Ren and Stimpy on this blog too. It was a cartoon I thought was amazing as a youngster but I really don't get today as an adult. It's one of the few things I'm baffled that I liked as a kid. I saw one scene recently of Ren just ripping his gums out and wondered where the hell the joke was. It was just HEY WE ARE DOING SOMETHING GROSS and we forgot the joke but don't worry about it! This was the only Ren and Stimpy game on the NES and yes the NES was still making games in 1993. This game not only has the awful play control of every other Imagineering game but it also has awful level design AND awful weapons. Ren gets this stupid slap that you have to get right next to some bad guy to use and WOW YOU ALSO GOT HIT. THANKS ALOT YOU SHUTTERING BUG FUCKERS. Imagineering is the worst company to make games for the NES and the worst fucking thing that New Jersey ever gave the world. Fuck them in the ear with a rotten dildo. I don't know how the dildo got rotten but it did fucking hell ass shit.

Game #734: Ghostbusters: When I got my second NES in 1998 I was given this game along side like 20 others (one of them I believe was Snow Brothers! Wild huh!) and I thought it was the worst game ever made for the NES. Now I like it a little better. I think it was clear they were trying some things that I don't think they could pull off that early in the NES' lifespan. It's just the game is still really boring and also frustrating as hell. There's one segment that could have been removed all together of the driving. You hit any of the drivers in that segment and you lose money. You don't go fast enough and you lose fucking gas which you have to go off to get and THEN have to do the driving segment again. You also have to buy your equipment which is just weird. It always took too long to get the money you needed and if you were lucky enough to get into the Gozer Building it was fucking impossible to go up the stairs due to how slow the Ghostbusters moved. We got a game based on the second movie and sadly it is not much better than this one.

Game #733: Ghostbusters II: This game is a little better than the first but we are still in the section of awful horse shit. It just means this is just a tad less awful than the last game. None of the games in this section are even playable really. Unless you enjoy sadism against yourself (yes I know there an actual word for it but "sadism against yourself" is funny to me so I'mma keep on using it)  This game has some awful music and some awful graphics but what really ruins it is the fact that the play control is awful. So fucking stiff and not fun. You do get to play a better driving stage than the first game but it's still very annoying. 

Game #732: Mickey Mousecapade is the worst Disney game on the NES. I am a big fan of most of them so you will see them high up on this list. However I just had to throw this one in here because this is my list and I fucking hate this garbage shit game that makes me puke. The game has fine graphics and decent enough music, but what brings it down is the fact that you play as Mickey AND Minnie, if minnie dies because you messed up YOU BOTH DIE. Fuck this game right hard in it's mouse ass. Actually don't do that because it's really gross. Just don't play this game.

Game # 731: Back to the Future 2 and 3: This could have been a good game really if it was just for one thing. A fucking map secreen. You have to go all over the place collecting items via mini games and then put them back in the right area. It's a LARGE fucking map and you WILL get confused. Not to mention you have to bring them back to the right area in time. Not a bad concept, just horribly done and will leave you annoyed to fuck.

Game #730: Back to the Future: This is another game that could have been neat but really isn't. It's several dumb mini games that are not fun to play (I've never made it past the first one) that are at best Atari level. That's being nice too. I would not waste my precious time playing this game. The non-mini game stages are really boring and samey. There's also the fact that you HAVE to beat the Final Stage in one go or you lose. No matter how many lives or continues you had. That's just some mean fucking shit. So in the words of Biff Tannen this game needs to make like a tree and get outta here.

Wow. All of these games were based on a license. Huh. Wild. Anyway enjoy me yelling at some dumb games.

Comic Review #79: Darkhawk #5 (1991)

 

Alright! It's finally time to get back to Darkhawk! Hopefully I can do Darkhawk (and Vigilante reviews) among the other stuff I want to do for THE COMIC REVIEW. I don't want it to go another several months before I talk about him again but I don't want them to be the only two comics I talk about. The last time I talked about Darkhawk was in August! I need to keep some kind of list of upcoming reviews. Even if it's just for me. Anyway today we are going to discuss the fifth Darkhawk comic! There are I believe 50 regular issues and 4 annuals. We will be done with Darkhawk sometime around my 47th birthday if we are going to keep doing it at this rate. That'll be 2032. And we still won't have Flying Cars or Robot bodies but someone will have talked about every issue of an obscure comic book which really to be fair is not a good trade off.

So what happened the last time we discussed an issue of Darkhawk huh? Well he went up against his first Super powered foe of his own. That's SAVAGE STEEL. A very late 80s/early 90s character. Mostly in his design. I do like the fact that he's controlled by crooked cops. I'm sure something interesting will happen with that. We ended the last issue with Chris Powell taking off the Darkhawk mask and freaking the fuck out. So let's see what he's freaking the hell out about! And we get a cop out...he has a freak out and before we can see anything a sheet lands on his head. Okay yeah, I'm not a fan of that! Of course it's something that comics end up doing, I'm sure we will see his face but man couldn't you guys come up with a better way of keeping the suspense?

Anyway he decides to leave the house and startles the guy I believe is there to kill his mother. So that's a good thing. He then realizes he can't chase after the car but he can go to the ruins of the amusement park to talk to St. Johnny, a homeless man who said he knew the last Darkhawk. He says some cryptic shit and nothing is really accomplished! Damnit man is this gonna be something that drags on forever or what?  I would have been more into "oh man whats gonna happen next?" if you actually got to see how ugly Darkhawk's face is. Anyway I guess Chris and his family go to the Museum and they are attacked by the damn hitman and after he chases after the Hitman fucking PORTAL comes out of a Portal and we get a great little fight after Darkhawk asks him some questions about him. We get to know something about Portal here which is way more than the face stuff. NO I'M NOT GOING TO LET THAT GO.  The fight is really good actually. Portal has all these weapons (of course one of them is a huge fuck off 1990s comic gun but hey it looks better than how Rob Liefeld would draw it). We learn he can travel the multiverse AND is a Native America. Much more than what the face reveal. I ALREADY TOLD YOU I WON'T LET IT GO

Darkhawk pretty much ruins the HELL out of Portal's day at the end of the fight. Darkhawk was pretty much getting his ass kicked until the end of this. Yeah, Portal thinks this Darkhawk is after him so we learn a third thing about him. Portal gets his ass knocked out and Darkhawk tries to go after the Hitman who is still there in the museum like a complete idiot. Anyway he catches him but has to let him go so he can turn back into Chris Powell. Chris Powell was shot in the leg by the hitman earlier and passes out. He wakes up in the Hospital and his mother is talking about how it's just a flesh wound. We also see some Guardsmen from the Vault talking about Portal and Darkhawk. Apparently Portal fought the Avengers and I don't remember that issue at all. It had Puma AND the U-Foes who are some of my favorite obscure characters. 

FINAL VERDICT: I didn't like the face reveal stuff. It just screams "oh shit I shouldnt have ended the last issue like that!" and not a good way to keep the mystery going. Still I'm interested in whats up with Portal and other Darkhawks, and I liked the fight. Not as good as the first four issues but still pretty good. I'm a little irked but still into the story. Let's hope it's not June before I tackle issue #6

Comic Review #78: 3-D Man (Reviewing A Character #1)

 

So we are doing something a little bit different with the COMIC REVIEW today. Today we are REVIEWING a character! That's right! The characters comic history and everything related to them. I've decided to pick an obscurity because those guys are the most interesting to talk about. I'm sure I will do Spider-Man to talk about his wonky history throughout the past 60 years. I picked 3-D Man because If I'm being completely honest he is without a doubt the worst Marvel character I've heard of. Yeah I say Deadpool is the worst but if you were to honestly ask me I could say "Yeah I don't think 98% of the characters humor works for me but I can't deny that it somehow works for others". I legit don't see how 3-D Man could work for anyone. 

Despite a cool ass cover for his first appearance by Jack Kirby he lasted a whole 3 issues in Marvel Premiere, an anthology series where different characters would appear in it. The first year or two were pretty good giving us the first appearance of Iron Fist, you know a character people actually like (but somehow I've seen people online give this guy praise.) He got an appearance in the most useless issue of the original What If? series.  #8 I think. The 1950s Avengers. Yeah I love ya Roy Thomas but that doesn't work. You already took the worthwhile Golden Age characters for The Invaders. No one cares about any of those guys. One of them did help bring apart Quasar but before that he was useless and bad. I will stick up for Gorilla Man though, because he's a Gorilla and a Man. He appeared in one issue of Bill Mantlo's like at LEAST 50 issue run on the Incredible Hulk and wouldn't it surprise you to know it's probably the worst (but Bill probably wrote the best 3D Man story out there) 

It wasn't the original 3D Man but in the late 1990s Kurt Busiek and George Perez started work on Avengers and they tried to update him into the character Triathlon. He was a black dude and while I remember a lot of that run I can't remember that character (who'd of guessed that he would have f ailed too?) I'm going to guess he was an ANGRY BLACK MAN which despite Kurt Busiek and George Perez being talented guys still felt unauthentic and really sad. Let actual black dudes write angry black men. I know he was related to the ongoing cult that had some kind of political power that helped them get away with a lot of stuff and the Avengers couldn't do anything. It was actually an interesting story overall but Triathlon was the worst part. Plus his name is also shit. 

So why does this character suck so badly? Let's go over his powers first. He's 3 times as fast, strong and smart as a random dude! That random dude was army man Chuck Chandler. Yep. He's already weaker than most heroes AND villains in the Marvel Universe. Oh and to even come to life and fight his brother has to wear a special kind of 3D glasses that Chuck is trapped in somehow or something? I should have actually re-read his first appearance but I don't care enough to go looking for it online because it's one of the few comics from the 1970s that I got rid of. That's right. I liked 3D Man so much that I got rid of his comic. I don't feel bad about it either. I feel bad that I got rid of Hogan's Heroes and Lassie comics but I didn't give a shit about Marvel Premiere #35. He can live on the 3D PLANE OF LIFE for 3 hours thanks to those Glasses. Yeah so he can maybe figure out half of the bad guys plot before he has to go away for 24 more hours. He can see Skrulls even when disguised which yeah helps but doesn't make up for the fact the rest of his powers suck balls.

Another issue is that four of his five stories take place in the 1950s. Despite having some things within it that I enjoy I believe the 1950s was THE most boring decade of the 21st Century. Every other decade has a unique feel that can make a story work better. The 1940s can have your character punch Hitler in the dick. That's always great. The 1960s has a lot of stuff. 1900s, 1910s, 1990s, 1980s all of them work better to put your character into and are so much more interesting. Roy Thomas just picked the 1950s because that was a part of his childhood, he would have been like 10 to 19 during those years. That's it. I don't know what else to say.

Oh, and his costume is fucking hidieous. It doesn't remind me of 3D related stuff. This is a guy who should show up around Christmas called CHRISTMAS MAN. Of course I don't really have much nostalgia or care towards 3D related stuff to be fair though. When I think of Red and Green I see Christmas or Freddy Kruger. Two things that are much more entertaining than 3D Man. The final reason is the character was just two boring assholes and I doubt if he was around for 4 decades and had as many appearances as Spider-Man would he ever improve on that. He's a bag of shit and I'm glad he doesn't show up any more. He's not good enough to be good and he's not even bad enough to be hilarious. He's just boring as fuck.

FINAL RATING: If 10 is best of the best and 1 being a character played by Scott Baio. I would rate 3D Man a 2. He's better than Scott Baio. So is Deadpool. Fuck Scott Baio.

A Review of Twitter or Why Internet 1.0 was better or Reasons for me to fucking Quit this stupid website.

 

I think that the first thing I gotta do is talk about how much I hate the last week of the year. I'm never sure what day it is. It all goes together in a slog. It's horribly boring. If we could literally skip from Christmas to January First I would be the happiest man a live. The thing that gets me each year is this time of year all I end up thinking about is how I wasted the year before hand not fixing many of the issues I have as a human being. It's stuff I don't want to talk about on this silly lighthearted blog where I talk about Charles in Charge and silly comic books from the past. I'm writing this mostly for one person that that person is me. It's a reminder that you will do at least one positive thing for your mental health next year and that is not use twitter. So I will bring the reasons why you will not use twitter here.

#1: You get too little words to use in one single tweet. I'm a wordy bitch and 280 is not enough to change anyone's mind. I'm not even talking about serious things like say an anti-vaxxer or something. It's not even enough to change peoples minds on frivolous things like comic books or if Mama's Family was a good television show or not. Yeah you can make tweet threads but you know for a fact most people stop reading after the first tweet. I know I do. Also some times these threads are put together in the wrong order which I'm sure is Twitters doing to keep you from reading the entire thing and just tweeting snarky comments.

#2: You are just thrown in there willy nilly. With Facebook you can make sure that people see what you post easily. You let your friends in or co-workers or whatever. Hell if you want to let in the crazy homeless man who somehow has Facebook into your friends list you can. However with twitter that is not the way. You like one persons post and then you get 32,000 others. No one has the time to see if all of those people are actually worthwhile and not crazy. You just find more and more people to argue with over stuff that's pointless really because of the way the sites set up.

#3: If you step into political twitter you will become a crazy person. Ok, let's imagine two human beings. One is a left winger who is really into making sure say, transgender people have a positive life doing what they want in life. The other person is a right winger who say wants limited government and the lowest taxes possible. These are for the most part two human beings you can get along with. They don't automatically go for your throat if you say "I sure do like the African American Spider-Man character marvel came up with" or "I laughed at the movie Porky's when I was a teenager and it still has a nostalgic place in my heart". They won't jump down your ass for those comments and yes people will jump down your ass for those comments on twitter. It's like what the hell? The echo chamber and algorithm will have these two reasonable people screaming about how Joseph Stalin was a perfect human being and his version of Communism should be put up all over the world or how every person who isnt the whitest person who ever whited should get out of America. In other words they will become extremists within a month. Two tops. The fact I didn't become some kind of crazy extremist I'll never know how.

#4: Nothing you say really matters. You are one person in a drop in the ocean of hundreds of thousands of people. Any thing you say will probably get ignored or you will get some person who obviously needs mental help yelling at you about lizard people. 

#5: It makes you feel like you have to say something about every thing that happens. Okay let's go and say some famous person says something stupid. Or sorta famous. or kinda famous within some hobby you have. It's just something stupid and not really worth making a fuss about. It's not even the most offensive thing ever posted. It's something that someone posted something a little ignorant because they didn't know better. It's not like someone posted something horribly awful knowing full well it was awful. No you just feel you have to post something and if you are already having a bad day you'll probably yell at this person and then its a big kerfuffle.

#6: I don't know what to call this. I do not like the term Cancel Culture. It feels to me that it's not the correct term. Yeah people yelled at JK Rowling and Dave Chappelle and we can argue until the cows come home over what they said but regardless if you wanted them gone or not it won't happen. They make people a lot of money and when you make people money you literally have to kill someone / jerk off in someones face like Louis C.K. (who is also making a comeback  weird huh). I don't know what to call this but I don't like the term Cancel Culture for it. I don't think it's good to call it Consequence Culture either because I like trying to get people to agree with me when it comes to things like people getting rights and all that. I don't know what to call it but it's something that doesn't seem to work (at least on any celebrity that makes someone money. I'm sure you could pull out someone who's like a C-List dude who got thrown out or something like Apu from the Simpsons). I don't know why I made this post but I did.

#7: You can argue with some dopey idiots but you will just end up helping them: I don't do it a lot on this blog (I did a few times earlier on in the blogs history) but I don't like Comicsgate or the Fandom Menace people who yell at wokeness in new popular culture things. It's not only that they are wrong in feeling "wokeness" (a stupid nebulous made up term that can mean anything to anyone but thats for another rant I hope I don't have to make.) they also harass people who work on these things for a weird degree. Like these people need to just give it up and realize these things have changed and if they don't like the changes to move on. Not to forget that a lot of these things like say comic books already took on serious issues decades ago and holy moly people may want to take on the serious issues of today. or at least issues they deem serious. The way twitter is made that any argument you have just helps these people find more people like them. Like for example this guy named Bradley April (I'm not using his real name because I really don't want too) who hates vaccines and masks and all that stuff during a pandemic. He also complains about pop culture stuff too but any argument with him will just help him find another 42 losers and not actually change anyones mind.

#8: You don't actually fix any problems via twitter. It doesn't matter if you are left wing, right wing, in the middle, against captialism, for captialism, for LBGT characters in fiction, against them, whatever. None of the arguments you have on twitter will fix any problem. You're just spitting into the wind hoping not to get any on you. It's pointless and insane to even try. Any problem that big won't be fixed on a platform that mostly causes you to get into arguments.

#9: It makes me feel like piss and shit and puke all mixed into portnoyd's probably very dirty toilet. At one point it was legit fun to argue with goofs and dopes until I realized it helped the big people at the top of these big goofy arguments like Comicsgate or Gamergate or fucking hell stop calling everything gate. Jesus. Also the amount of people who were so insanely stupid just got to me. It was an never ending line of complete idiocy. Yeah I'm sure some of them were bots but way way too many of them weren't. I just feel shitty whenever I go to twitter now. 

So yeah, on January 1st this year, I plan to change the password on my twitter account to something insane and log out. I will have to do this for my own sanity. I know that I can do this and end up feeling better. I hope to actually fix a lot of stuff this year but this is the first one I know I can do. I will beat the Twitter beast that feeds on my dopamine. I was a complete idiot for ever joining it. This talk of Twitter just makes me miss weirdos of Internet 1.0 all they did were try to have sex with a Realdoll that looked like the Baroness from GI Joe or want to hump Ms Brisby. Those people were funny. QAnon people scare the shit out of me. Anyway this pointless shit took some time away from my least favorite part of the year and I'll always be thankful for that. I need to put this somewhere where I can always see it to remind me to stay the fuck away from Twitter.

Ranking Every NES Game from Worst to Best (Part 3 - #749 - 740)

 

Alright peoples! It's yet again another look at 10 NES games. I will yell about how bad they are and portnoyd will pick up for at least one of the games because he is a dopey idiot. 

Game #749, #748, #747, and #746: Sesame Street 123, Sesame Street ABC, Sesame Street Big Birds Hide and Speek, Sesame Street Countdown: Yeah I'm combining these here because I have only two things to say about these games. They are dull as dishwater and also somehow a slog to beat. They have good music and that's about it. I would not touch these games with a 50 foot pole.

Game #745: Dirty Harry. This is a really bad game based on a great series of movies. Yet another wasted license. You have to press A AND B to jump. Up and A to kick. I didn't even know you could kick in this game. The controls are awful. The level design is even worse. It's all kinds of mazes and shit. That would be fine if you could tell one area from the next. It all blends in together like some kind of rodent feces and is unpleasant to play or look at. 

Game #744: Predator: Hey! Look it here! It's another awful ugly shitty game that is based around a great movie. The controls are awful. the music will make you want to jam a pencil in your ear and the graphics are  atrocious. Arnold wears a pink suit in this game for some reason. I guess he's all like FUCK CAMOFLAUGE. You get a jarring set of Big Levels where you are well BIG and take up half the screen and have to shoot shit. This would be a nice change of pace every few levels when it happens if these Big Levels weren't also boring as fucking shit. Also some of the dumbest and worst level design and you can easily trap yourself into an area where you HAVE to kill yourself via the grenades which is If I recall correctly the default weapon. I somehow beat this game because I'm a sadist but only against myself.

Game #743: Secret Scout: I do believe that Color Dreams tried hard. They wanted to do the best they could, BUT they never ever did. This game tries to be large and epic and that's always a good thing but it fails the way pretty much every Color Dreams game made like this fails as it has the worst play control period. You pretty much have to jam every button to get them to start do any kind of move and it feels so floaty. Your character pretty much feels like he could fly off into the air at any moment. Fighting enemies is annoying and impossible. You can easily go from full health and lives to one life beating a single random enemy. This game is also maze like and every area ends up looking the same. Not even different colors to help you out.

Game #742: 8 Eyes. This was a really bad Castlevania clone. You got to control a bird and a dude. You can send the bird off but it won't do anything without a second controller I believe. I've never tried to play as the bird because I don't like this stiff ugly game enough to try it. I've never been able to get to ANY of the bosses in this game because your character moves so slowly. Apparently you get to have tea with the bosses. Oh and the games this company Thinking Rabbit (they programmed this game and Seta put it out) made are insane. They made a Casablanca game. A game called Madeline (I wonder if that was based on the series of books or tv cartoon with the little girl in the yellow hat) and something called A Clown Murder Game. I think I might have to play A Clown Murder game. The fact you drink tea and Clown Murder is the only reason this game doesn't get ranked lower.

Game #741: Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure: Holy fuck is this a game I wish I could like. I really seriously 100% wish I could enjoy this game and not get angry as bloody black fuck over it. I don't even know what a bloody black fuck is but it describes this game. First off you get these tokens to play around in a phone booth and you can easily lose all of these fucking tokens before you can even get into a fucking level. I don't know what they were thinking but I'm pretty sure they were high when they were thinking it. Another huge problem is how fucking hard it is to find the thing you need to bring the historical figure back to their right time. You'll be jumping all over the place falling on your ass trying to find it and also not get fucked over by shitty enemies. Then you have to find the historical figure. Sometimes it's easy because hey that's abe lincolns hat and sometimes it's hard. The graphics aren't fantastic but they are better than most of the games on this list thus far. It's just some of the characters blend in with each other. The music is pretty good too. It just fails with the gameplay. I still play and try to beat this game but I never really have anything remotely close to fun doing so. I have to put it this high because it's Bill and Ted. I love those guys. 

Game #740: 10 Yard Fight. This is considered the worst sports game on the NES by alot of people apparently. At least thats what I remember from the HEYDAY of old NES sites. Anyway I don't like this game but I put it above the trifecta of SHIT known as Baseball-Tennis-Soccer because I'm able to at LEAST score a goal. I mean I want to end my play time after getting that one goal but it's still more than I'm able to do with those other games. I know these were very early Famicom releases so they were even older than the NES stuff but they are still really bad and not fun to play. I think the football guys run as slow as humanly possible in this game.

There you have it. 10 more games for the old Nintendo Entertainment System that no human being should have ever played. If you have a defense for any of these games I'd actually like to hear it because I don't see how any of these games aren't hot shit on a cold sidewalk. I don't even know what that means but playing these games have clearly scrambled my mind and I should just lie down for a while.

The Final Episode #104: Charles In Charge (1984 - 1985, 1987 - 1990)

 

Alright! It's finally time to get back to the crapola! I've been having a good time talking about these syndicated shows that I'm going to add one more to Syndication Silliness! I had forgotten about said show and I know I gotta talk about it. Still that show is not today's show. Today's show is another sitcom Charles in Charge. It started in 1984 and ended in 1985. That was the original run on CBS. I guess someone saw something in this show and they brought it back for syndication in 1987. I am now talking about it in 2021. Years are fun. Charles in Charge is not fun. It just might be the worst sitcom pre the year 2000. We all know that The Big Bang Theory takes the cake for worst overall.

The reason this is the worst is because of one man. Scott Baio. Scott Baio just might be the worst actor of all time. Some people try their hardest and just fail at it but you can see them trying. Scott Baio does not even try. I am amazed he got a career in acting. I mean it's not the most amazing career but it was still a career. He started on Happy Days, made the silly boner comedy Zapped (which I actually do love but thats because I have a complete love of all boner comedies) and this series. He also did some work on Arrested Development. It's more of a career than this guy deserves. So what is this show about huh? It stars a guy named Charles who goes on wacky adventures with Willie Aames (yes, the Bibleman) and some family he lives with. Woo. There's not much else you can say about this tv show, except that it's clearly the worst tv show producer Michael Jacobs was ever apart of.

So as is with other shows I've never seen an episode of, I try to watch at least two to get a feel for the show. I usually discuss both episodes here, one in one paragraph and The Final Episode in more detail but my god this show gives me less material than Mama's Family did. It's very not good. The first episode I watched revolved around the old plot of "Old Friends Come back into the main characters life and are assholes to the new friends he has made". Yep. They ruin a bike race for helping the school library get more books or some shit. Charles has to let go of his old friends and love his new friends. Blah blah. I will give this show one bit of praise and that is Willie Aames is VERY into his role. I wish they had given him better jokes but he's fucking into being the biggest dummy in the history of the situational comedy.

So the Final Episode entitled "Charles B Demille" came to us on November 10th, 1990. It starts out with Charles yelling at a clock. I bet that's what Scott Baio does a lot of these days "TRUMP WON THE ELECTION YOU STUPID CLOCK!!!!" but yeah. It turns out that the mailman is coming with a letter that says if he will get into Princeton or not. Yeah, this would work for several other shows but I sure as hell don't believe for a second they'd let this dunderfuck into Princeton. Anyway Buddy comes in and acts like a goofball until Sarah played by Josie Davis (this is where I would talk about things she's in but she's only been in some Lifetime movies and something called Mantervention which sounds really terrible but I have to watch,) She's bitching and moaning about the school having cut funds for a trip or some shit. She has the mail. Buddy gets it and opens up a random envelope from a Sorority House setting up a fundraiser! This has Charles mom (Ellen Travolta who I don't know if she's actually related to SUPER FAMOUS Joey Travolta or not!) tell her to do her own fundraiser.

She says she would need a good director to do a fundraiser thing and she looks for Charles to do it.  The grandfather character comes in and his actor was literally in every tv show made up until this point. No joke. Not many people can say they were on The Twilight Zone AND My Favorite Martian. I wish I were talking about those shows instead. He was also some general in Return of the Living Dead Part 3. So far he's my favorite member of the cast. We then get Buddy trying to wiggle in on running the talent show and getting 350 Dancing girls. I dunno I get a feeling that would get the funds. Anyway we go to the auditions and Charles' mom brings in some shitty old ventriloquist dummy and I'm surprised I spelt ventriloquist correctly. Wild. So Charles wants to do his act from the 5th grade with this ugly, ugly dummy. I thought it was gonna come to life and kill. I wish it had.

Anyway the snot nosed brother wants to do his magic act so we get to Nicole Eggert. This lady was in movies with Corey Haim AND Corey Feldman. I've heard that she slept with both of them but I do not know for sure. Anyway if this is true this makes her the coolest woman who ever lived. I mean who could say no to getting to sleep with BOTH Coreys? Truly the most magnificent thing on the world. She says some horseshit relating to the plot but I just wanted to mention her and her Corey love.  Wooie. Oh and Walter and Charles mom want to do a vaudeville song so he calls up his mother to write one about Charles mom shitty diner. Wooie. I really need to make sure the shows I talk about actually have interesting things happen. Oh and Charles finds out some guy called from Princeton and runs to talk to him. 

Oh no the Princeton professor has ONE NIGHT ONLY to be in town and it's the same night as the FUNDRAISER OF GOOD TIMES. Oh shit CHARLES HAS TO STUDY!!!!! If he doesn't direct the fundraiser will do poorly for some reason! WHAT WILL HE CHOOSE??? He chooses PRINCETON and Buddy has to direct! Oh no! So Buddy does some shitty crap with some Dancing Girls (you can really tell by this point I have checked out completely and barely care.) Charles is with the Professor who looks really familiar and I think is doing a Ronald Reagan kinda thing. I dunno. He makes some speech about some shit and it inspires Charles to go back and help direct the show! Ho ho ho! He wants to do his ventriloquist thing but Mugsy his dummy is gone so he has to use Buddy! This is actually the only good bit in this episode so I won't get angry at it. 

They do their dumb shit in the fundraiser. Buddy gets a dancing girl in there. It's all great and even the Princeton man shows up to tell Charles that this willing to do this he's willing to put in emotional commitment  for his students. Blah blab bloh. Yeah you can tell how little I care about this shit.  They do their tearful goodbye on the stage and blah blah blah end this damn show now. They then play a record of the theme song of the show. Weird. That's not even the end of the meta-ness of the ending.  Everyone starts hugging each other until we cut back to the house where Scott Baio plays himself and some weird shit making fun of the show pops up. Willie Aames then says This is your dream and any time you need us you can go to sleep and then go I DONT WANNA WAKE UP! He tries this and then the cast pops up and they start singing the theme song again. This show is stupid and I don't like it.

FINAL VERDICT: After how bad these two Syndicated sitcoms I've done are  I don't know if I want to even do the third one. Either way next time will be something else. This show was stupid and I don't like it.

Ranking Every NES game From Worst to Best Part 2 of 1,752

 

There's all kindsa stuff I want to get to before the end of this year. I want to still discuss those three Christmas comics even though most people would give up and wait for next year but I am not most people! I do hope I'm still doing this fantastic and wonderful blog in the next year but you never know what can happen. Anyway I asked myself what was it that I really wanted to talk about and well it was this! I haven't talked much about video games on this blog and I'm finding it a lot of fun. I get to yell at the games I hate and praise the games I love. I also get to annoy portnoyd a whole hell of a lot so that's good too. So let's get to games #759 to 750.

#759: Dragon Warrior: I debated with myself where to put this and I just had to be honest with myself and put it here. I fucking hate the first Dragon Warrior game so fucking much. It has aged terribly. I don't even know if I would have called it a good game in 1988 or whenever the fuck it came to North America. It's slow, clunky, takes forever to get any gold or levels. It's just simply not fun at all. It also took $10 of my vacation spending money that PISSES ME OFF STILL. Twenty years later! I am not a fan of that. I would emulate a game before spending what little money I had on it. This game I thought everyone in the "NES INTERNET SCENE" loves so why not spend the money. Holy shit were every one of those people wrong. I'm still pissed off about that. I could have spent that money on Three Stooges instead. Yes that's right people I'm saying Three Stooges for the NES is a better game than Dragon Warrior. You got a problem with that you can take it up with my asshole because I don't give a shit. I wonder if I had not played Super Mario RPG, Earthbound, Chrono Trigger, etc for the SNES would I have liked this game? I don't think so because it's still shit. The first upset of my list I know it but I gotta go with my heart and say Dragon Warrior can drink the piss out of my dick.

#758: Raid 2020: I have to mention this. If I could literally talk to anyone at the companies who worked on NES games the first people I would choose are Color Dreams/Bunch Games/Wisdom Tree. They have to have some really interesting stories. They were not one, not two, but three different companies during this time. I would watch a documentary movie or even a long YouTube video on these guys. Just saying if someone has the ablitily to do that you'd get my view! Anyway despite the weird admiration I have for people working in the unlicensed game companies due to the sometimes insane demands Nintendo would have for games, I cannot call very many unlicensed NES games very good. Tengen was a good company overall and Camerica made some cool shit too but most unlicensed NES games make me want to barf out of my asshole. I do not know how that's possible but they do. Take Raid 2020 for instance. This game has some of the ugliest graphics I've ever seen. Some of the worst music. Some of the worst level design. Some of the worst controls. It's all so bad that I don't even know where to begin except that playing with a dog turd would be more enjoyable. 

#757: Pesterminator: Oh hey, it's another unlicensed game.... this time it was based on a license, the uh mascot for a exterminator company someplace in America. This game wins for weirdest fucking license you could go for, even over the bible and 19th century literature. I can get seeing a religious kid wanting to play as Moses or a weirdo nerd kid wanting to play as Tom Sawyer, but not a single damn child wanted to play as a big weird dude who smashed rats on the head. He looks like a really off brand shitty character from the Golden Age of Cartoons. I am not a big fan of the Pesterminator mascot as you can see and I like the game even less. I somehow beat this game and I still don't know how. It has all the problems Raid 2020 does and it even has two more. Sometimes you can easily get stuck in place and not know how the hell to get out of it. And you have to kill every single fucking bug and rodent possible and some of those fuckers are so fucking small that you can't even see them. Fuck this shithole of a game.

#756: Baseball: Everything I know about Baseball I have learned from watching movies like Rookie of the Year, A League of Our Own, or The Sandlot. I probably learned of who many classic baseball players were because of that movie. I'm going to have a hard time rating most sports games because I find them dull as dishwater but I know that the original black box sports games were worst of all. These games were maybe JUST MAYBE a little better than fucking Atari sports games. I don't have much else to say about this game or the next two because they are so fucking boring and shitty.

#755: Tennis: I don't know a thing about Tennis except that they played it in the Chevy Chase movie Fletch. Watch that movie instead of every playing this game.

#754: Soccer: You see that review above. Replace Fletch with the movie Escape to Victory which is another great flick. It's got Michael Caine and Sly Stallone fighting to escape as P.O.W.S during a soccer match. Really damn cool and very well made, unlike this NES game.

#753:Wally Bear and the Just Say No Gang!: I'll give the unlicensed company this much. It was nice to try to get kids to stay off drugs. I don't know if it worked because this game felt like people who were making it were on drugs. Seriously look at the graphics of Wally Bears house. Also look at his mother and father. Those two were high as fucking kites. This game gets the honor of being lower than those other two unlicensed games because its so cornball it makes me laugh. There's some funny 1980s anti drug stuff in here. It's just mashed in with some of the worst and most annoying level design I've ever seen. There's levels where you don't need to do shit to beat and levels where you have to somehow get passed 82,000 enemies without losing your two hits. I beat this game because I enjoy sadism. Especially sadism against myself. Oh and the play control may be the stiffest shit I've ever seen on the NES. Amazing.

#752: Challenge of the Dragon: You'll be seeing a lot of unlicensed stuff pop up in the next posts on this topic. Many many of them will hit the absolute bottom of the barrel. This game was done I believe by Taiwanese company Sachen and just bought by Color Dreams. They did that for a few of there games and holy sweet mother of the Baby Jesus is this game not good. The play control is somehow loose as hell and incredibly stiff. It's like they wanted it to be the worst play control of all time. You also get some really ugly graphics and terrible music. Oh and awful level design. Get used to me saying all of those things over and over again because that's what happens. Not good.

#751: Adventures of Tom Sawyer: You know you'll see some weird stuff pop up on the NES but I still think the two games based on 19th Century literature are some of the weirdest. No kid wanted to even read this damn book and I doubt they wanted to play the game either. This was a game that was ruined because of wonky play control and the fact your stupid rock weapon you have for most of the game goes in a loop and is hard to hit enemies with. Those are the reasons this game is that far down on the list. It's not fun in any way. I don't want to talk any more about this game.

#750: Sesame Street 123/ABC: This is a sneak peak at the next post on this topic because It's probably going to be the rest of the Sesame Street games because they are all of the same quality. I'll give them this much the graphics are bright and colorful and the characters look like their live action counterparts. The music is really good, however that's where the positives go because these games go on forever and ever and are a slog to beat. They don't even techincally have endings. They just stop and start over, so you can forget because the game is so boring that you already beat it twice. They have many many games within one cartridge. This was a mix of two games already on the NES and I should have also axed this game from the rankings because I'll be ranking those two games too! Oh well. I don't even think small children would have much fun with this game but I guess I was wrong because they made several of these games. 

There you have it. 10 more awful games that are no fun to play. Games that make you want to pull out your ass hair and really do you want a reason to be fiddling with your asshole. No! no you don't. You need to get yourself in order and go find someone ELSE who wants to fiddle with your asshole, damnit! That's called sex. I think? I don't know what I'm talking about so I'm just going to end it here. Don't play any of these games. Fuck em.