Movie Review #75: Witchcraft (1988)

 

Well when you bring something back, you gotta bring it back with a BANG! So I decided that today I would watch the second longest running horror series of all time. Witchcraft is that series. 16 whopping sequels. These direct to video witches and warlocks beat the shit out of Jason, and Freddy, and Chucky and Pinhead and Michael Myers and all. The longest series is Amityville and I don't really like giving that to them because you can easily just put Amityville on any movie because its not copywritten. I could literally make Amityville Pot Smokers and have it not even take place in Amityville and just have it be a stupid pod smoker movie instead of a haunted house. I think Amityville shouldn't count. I like the days when WitchCraft was the #1 spot holder!

Well this series has always had a weird place within horror communities across the internet. Never positive from the people who had seen a few of them. No one really trying to see them all. Always the punch line. I think I saw one of these movies but I have no fucking clue which one of them it was. Just that it had a whole lot of naked ladies. You see Witchcraft may be considered horror but really it should be be called soft core pornography.  The horror stuff is like maybe 15 minutes and the rest of the run time is boobies. You know the movies you would rent as a hornball 13 year old. They really have no place within a time where most everyone can get on the internet and look at naked women. doing some wild ass shit, but somehow they came out into the late 2010s. I'm too lazy to look up but I'm pretty sure they got to 2016 or 2017 which is way too into the high speed internet era for soft core porno horror movies.

I don't know when I first came across these movies. Maybe it was in the movie store where I would pass them by because I wanted the cooler looking movies. Maybe it was on the internet forum Joblo where I learned about every stupid horror movie I could and made a list of horror movies to watch that I'm still going through now in 20fucking23. It was a lot of fucking movies. I don't think I'll ever watch them all. It didn't help that I found movies from other genres too. Too many movies, so little time. Anyway I'm sure I could have picked better movies than this one but I said to my friend COUNT CHOCULA that I will watch all of them. I also think I said I'd watch all Amityville Horror movies too so get ready to see reviews of them. I was thinking about bringing back the blog so I figured reviews of Witchcraft movies would really bring in the views! All of them! I am the real winner here! I WILL BE THE KING OF THE INTERNET AFTER THIS!

So uh here is where I'd talk about the actors and what they did before and after this but none of them were ever in anything even remotely interesting (and when even I'm not remotely interested in something you know it's gotta be a huge smelly pile of bird poop. Bird poop is really gross. it's white and stuff. Something about that really skeeves me out.) The only thing I can say is that the director of this movie also directed Leprechaun in the Hood. I wish I was talking about Leprechaun in the Hood instead of this movie. So whats the plot of this movie. Uh some satanic witches get brought back from the dead and one of them marries a woman so that they can turn her son into a Satanic man lover or some shit. I don't know. There's not much plot here. Or nudity. Yeah the first movie is apparently the only one which wasn't horny as shit. Strange.

This movie was incredibly boring and full of boring actors, however I actually did like a few things.  Uh two scenes made me laugh and one scene has a secret passageway. I fucking love secret passageways to a extreme insane manner and I will always love seeing one in a movie, even a shitty one like this. What actually kept me awake during this movie were two of the actors. One was the main lady Grace and the other one was her slightly goofy friend Linda. I really liked these two. They felt like they were really friends. Grace is from Poland and lives in America. Linda is just an late 80s babe. The greatest kind of babe. Do people even use the term babe anymore? 

I was legitimately hoping that Linda would turn out to be a good witch and they would have a cheap effects battle. None of that happens. The mute tall guy who shows up for like two scenes and then comes back at the end to STEAL WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LINDAS by killing the two witches with a knife. I wanted some fucking shitty electrical shit flying out of their hands and that doesn't happen. How the fuck do you make a movie so cheap and shitty that you can't even do THAT? I want that kinda shit.

This movie took the one part of it that I was enjoying and literally shoved it up it's asshole. Fuck Witchcraft. I do not look forward to the next 15 fucking movies.