Comic Review #76: The Incredible Hulk #378 (1991)

 

It's amazing what I have talked about in Comic Review and what I haven't. I really want to do so much with this column (I'm gonna call them this from now on because it makes me feel like I'm working for the New Yorker and thus very smart and you should listen to me and do what I say and respect me without thinking for yourself). I want to talk about old comics. I want to talk about new comics. I want to talk about everything you can within the comic world. However I figured it was time to cross off a big name off the list of comic characters I haven't talked about yet. It was finally time to talk about The Incredible Hulk.

I for some weird reason never picked up Incredible Hulk comics as a kid. I couldn't find new issues or old issues. I was weird with comics as a kid. I would call so many of them "gay and stupid" because I was like eleven and stupid. I now know that all comics really are gay and stupid and that's why they are amazing. I mean Superheroes are all people who dress in very fancy colorful spandex. I think that clearly makes them all at least bisexual. Uh, where was I? Oh yeah. The Incredible Hulk. They wouldn't show up at the Second Page bookstores or if they did they were too expensive. I would have had them if they were there. I picked up Fantastic Four for The Human Torch and mostly THE THING. The Thing is a great character. I love him. The Incredible Hulk was also a monster and I loved monsters. I still do. I am literally still eleven years old. 

So yeah. It wasn't until I found out about the ACTUAL comic book stores in my town (one started in 1991 and one started in 1997. I did not find out about either of them until December of 2003 when I just had a hankering to use some spending money from Christmas on comic books. I can't remember why I was like MAN I'M GONNA GET ME SOME COMICS TODAY after like 5 or so years of not reading any.) I just did. I don't know what I got that day. Probably some Spider-Man stuff, but I would go hog wild and finally get some Hulk comics in later visits. Now I have too many comic books to count yet I cannot stop buying them.

Anyway, Let's talk a little about the Incredible Hulk himself. He was Scientist Dr. Robert Bruce Banner who while saving the life of Rick Jones was hit with gamma radiation and turns into the Hulk whenever he gets mad (this was actually a retcon as in the original six issues it would be at night time that he would turn into a monster. I think the getting mad thing works better, personally.) and at first The Incredible Hulk was kind of a dud. They put out six issues before it was cancelled. He became a surprise guest star in every other comic that Marvel had until he got the top spot in Tales to Astonish. The second spot at that time was Namor. So you got some great stuff there! He got his own comic again in 1968 and the rest is history.

At this point in the Incredible Hulk's career it was shown that he had several different personalities. The big old dumb green Hulk. A smart grey hulk who became a gangster called Mr. Fix It. Also a smart version of the gray hulk called Professor Hulk. It was all real cool and neat. This was all Peter David's doing. He wrote the Hulk for twelve years. They were great comics but I think the Incredible Hulk has probably had the best overall comics because the good majority of them are at least fun. I can't think of many Hulk comics where I went "WELL THAT WAS ASS SOUP". I can think of entire eras of Fantastic Four and X-Men and even Spider-Man that are complete ass soup but not the Hulk.

So since you have seen the cover you can tell this is a Christmas comic! Why is The Incredible Hulk fighting Santa!? Is it Santa?! WHY DOES SANTA HATE THE HULK?! Well this issue starts out with Rick Jones, the guy Hulk saved all the way back in 1962 and well they ended up becoming friends and all that. So they are at a hospital. Doc Samson is doing therapy with Bruce. Marlo and Betty are doing other stuff so Rick is just wandering around. He comes across two kids fighting and decides to tell them a story of what happened one year ago. We then get introduced to today's Supervillain... THE RHINO. He's very lonely this Christmas. He just wants to talk about Football and Broads but the only people who will talk to him are other villains and all they want to do is talk about destroying Superheroes and not Joe Montana (Was he a thing in 1991? I do not know football.) 

He is set to rob a bank because that makes him feel good until he finds out that the Hulk is around here and he isn't into a big old brawl with him right now. Anyway he sees a Santa Claus getting money for the needy and decides to beat the shit outta him and take his costume! It's Rhino Claus! He's getting money for the needy when someone comes out from the Mall and gets him to come in and be the Mall Santa. He puts up with kids for what seems like hours (long enough for the Hulk to not be the Hulk anymore but turn into the Hulk yet again because they went back to the SUNSET thing makes the Hulk turn into the Hulk again for a short amount of time in this era ((I had totally forgotten about them even doing this!)). He anyway has a freak out at one of the kids after he pokes him in the eyes Three Stooges style. He throws the kid who is caught by the Hulk.

This might be the best Rhino/Hulk fight ever. The Hulk trips him up in Bowling balls after making a corny joke about HAVING THE BALLS to fight you. The Rhino nearly punches a woman giving cookies out because the cookies have macadamia nuts which the Rhino hates! It takes a Little Girl who thinks Rhino is the real Santa and that he shouldn't be fighting with anyone and that there might not be a real Santa after all to make them stop fighting and go back to just having kids come up to them again. This was cute. The story ends with Rick Jones getting kicked in the shin by one of the kids. So if you hate Rick Jones you should at least enjoy the ending of this story. 

FINAL VERDICT: I always enjoyed when Peter David went all in with the comedy in some issues. This was a really fun issue with lots of fun one lines. My favorite being when the Rhino says "I liked you better when you had a ten word vocabulary!" I'm just kinda iffy on the art. I think Bill Jaaska did a really great cover but the work within the comic feels wonky and rushed in places. I dunno if I'm spoiled or not because of all of the other great artist who worked with Peter David. I think this was just a fill in with the art. The art's definitely not bad enough to completely ruin the comic tho. The cute little kid getting them to work together to make people's Christmases made for a fun ending to the story. I also enjoyed how none of the kids Rick was telling the story too even believed him. I wonder if he made it all up! Anyway this was a fun one and you should pick it up!

Comic Review #75: The Brave and the Bold #184 (1982)

 

Well here we are back with the Christmas Comics! This and the next few will be DC comics because I really like the next few comics and want to discuss them. They were fun Christmas stories. Two are team ups. One is a Western comic (something that isn't a superhero boy howdy!) and after that it's a comic I haven't read before but looks like a lot of fun. Anyway as I've mentioned before I've wanted to talk about at least every character that appeared in DC or Marvel comics. Every last one will get at least one mention on this blog. Which is why Team Up comics are great. If the hero themselves never had their own comic (The Huntress in this era never did have her own comic and I find this version who lives on Earth-2 and is the daughter of the Earth-2 Batman and Earth-2 Catwoman a lot more interesting then the one who happens to be a gang boss daughter or something. I dunno. You know me I mostly like the older stuff anyway.) 

So I really should start talking about covers to these comics because there's an art to a comic book cover that gets you excited to read the comic, makes you go "Yeah this is in the pile that I'm buying for fucking sure." and this sets the case there. First off It's drawn great but to be fair sometimes the cover artist and the book artist are different but I have no real qualms with any artist from this era of comics but that's just me. Secondly it's Batman ripping off his cowl and screaming at his parents graves that they deserved to die. How do you not want to see how that works out. You also got the Huntress over in the corner so you're also wondering how she came to be on Earth-1. It creates a great little mystery and is something you know you want to own. 

Now our story starts up with Batman giving gifts to the children in an orphanage. He's thanked by the lady who runs the place. He then goes to Gordon and they talk about Spurs Sanders and how there's someone on the run with files that would put him away. This causes Batman to start searching for them. He finds a guy in a Santa Claus suit and realizes its the hood. I'm not sure how because it's Christmas but It's Batman. He knows all. He sees all. HE KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT AT 8 O CLOCK YOU DIRTY BIRD.  Anyway Batman takes this guy down and finds a file that says his Father gave money to a gangster! OH SHIT! This is where the Huntress shows up from Earth-2. I like how she refers to Earth-1's Batman as Uncle Bruce. It's very cute. I'm a fan. 

Anyway they decide to search this by checking out Amos Randolph's files. Amos has been disabled horribly by nerve damage and has aged decades past his actual age of barely over sixty. Amos shows him HIS file and goes "I didn't know about this!" and Batman is too caught up in the whole thing to think about it. They then go to Spurs Sanders and he turns on a damn tape recorder and Batman is sure as hell it's his father. This causes him to do the cover and freak the hell out. He renounces being Batman but it's only for a little while as he sees the Huntress save the guy who was in the Santa suit at the beginning of the comic. He's around with his son. Batman realizes that he needs to keep doing this because it's not only about vengeance it's about making sure no one ever feels the loss he did.

They go back to STATELY WAYNE MANOR where they talk about stuff and Bruce remembers the last Christmas he had with his parents. He realizes that it was Amos Randolph all the time because of his habit of nervous tapping. That was on the tape! He goes to tell Amos Randolph he knows everything. Amos says he'll never be put in a prison! Batman responds he's already in a prison. Damn Batman that's kinda harsh towards the disabled. Anyway The Huntress is fighting Spurs Sanders and tells them that the person behind the tape was faked and they have ways of figuring that out. It will end up in the Gotham Gazette. She also tells Spurs that he's going to prison because she took all the evidence the cops needed and just gave it to them as a nice Christmas gift. 

FINAL VERDICT: I very much enjoyed this. It's works in Christmas very well, it's a very compelling story about Batman's parents. I enjoyed the interactions between all the characters, Huntress, Spurs, Batman, Gordon. The art was fantastic and I must say that it's a great Christmas comic. Highly Recommended baby!

The Final Episode #102: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (1995 - 1999)

 

Here it is! The next six Final Episodes will be about Syndicated shows. Either shows that were first ran in Syndication or left a big network for syndication. Syndication is just selling your show to every tv station you can not just one big one. Syndication started all the way back in the 1960s! I didn't know that. I thought it started in the 1980s. I guess it didn't get big until the 1980s. Anyway we have some fun stuff ready for you guys and gals. And by that I mean Portnoyd and maybe some Facebook people. Anyway I hope whoever reads these upcoming articles enjoys them. Anyway let's get to the good stuff!

Hercules: The Legendary Journeys was a syndicated show created by Sam Raimi! That's right The Evil Dead guy! Or Spider-Man guy! or the Darkman guy. I am a big fan of his stuff. He would always make sure the stuff he put out was incredibly fun. I haven't seen anything by him that wasn't amazing. Plus whenever Sam Raimi went his pal BRUCE CAMPBELL! Bruce is literally the greatest person who ever lived. He is better than me AND you. Yes you reading this. I'm sorry but we both know it's true. Bruce played a thief  character with a weird old timey name that I cannot pronounce or even type. That's the only part of this show I don't like is that.

So Hercules: The Legendary Journey was about Hercules and his pal Iolocas go around fighting monsters and saving people. That's pretty much it. Some times other Gods and demi-Gods get into the thing and fight Hercules. Just your usual fun fantasy stuff. Nothing up its own ass like those stupid Lord of the Rings shit. Hercules gave you want you really wanted. A big buff guy punching a snake woman while another woman is in a costume where you can see a whole lot of titty. Seriously look at the Discords lady costume. Oh boy that's a good costume. Uh... oh yeah Hercules. He was played by Kevin Sorbo and he's fine. I think this is a show where you get a big strong guy whos at best okay and put him around alot better actors. 

As a kid, I had no idea who Bruce Campbell, Sam Raimi were or what the Evil Dead were so I never watched this show. I mean I would probably leave it on for five minutes but I never watched it. I did enjoy my time with it as an adult. I'm not completely sure if I would have liked it as a kid. I do wish I had given it a chance so I could have found out, but I didn't. So you know what that means, yep I watch two episodes. One from earlier on in the series to get a feel for the characters before I discuss the Final Episode. The episode I picked was Porkules. Clearly because of that title. It involved Bruce Campbell stealing Artemis and I'm talking about the Greek God, not Sailor Venus' cat. Hercules is turned into a pig in this episode and it's very funny. Lots of fun action, silly special effects and Bruce Campbell. It's a must watch.

So what is The Final Episode of Hercules the Legendary Journey about. Well I gotta talk about some things first. It seemed they were cancelled halfway through season 6 and they only made 8 episodes. They also had to deal with Kevin Sorbo not redoing his contract. I really bet he wishes he had at this point, but maybe he does love being in those boring and annoying Jesus/Conservative movies. I bet he does. "Full Circle" the title of the episode, starts out with Hercules and Iolocas or however the hell you spell his name arguing about if the sun revolves around the earth or the other way around. It's a fun bit, Iolocas mentions a kid named Evander and we hear his mother Nemesis screaming. She's being attacked by two guards. Hercules and Iolocas beat the piss outta them.

Nemesis tells Hercules that Zeus took away Evander because he was too powerful. He apparently can make anything he thinks of come to life. Which means Ares his father is after him for nefarious deeds. Hercules is all like Zeus can't do this because YOUR his mother and this is where he should grow up. I dunno, I think someone with that kids kinda power should be closely looked after but that's just me.  On the way to Zeus' temple, Hercules and IceCream (I'm calling him this now I don't care) run afoul of one of the things Evander has created with his mind. A cheesy CGI dragon with polka dots. It also farts fire. Hercules thinks its the Gods doing but then spots Evander. Hercules gets in front of him and the dragon because well he thinks its gonna shoot fire but it just shoots bubbles. 

Zeus shows up and stops Evander. He and Hercules start arguing. Hercules says he doesn't have the right to take him away from his mother but Zeus is like "He almost killed her! She didn't tell you that did she!?" I am 100% on Zeus side on this one. Zeus may be a weirdo who does crazy shit but this time he is 100% in the right. Zeus then says he was only taking him until he could teach him to control his powers. Hercules then says "You won't mind if I step in?" and Zeus is open to the idea. We then get a nice montage of Hercules and IceCream and Evander. First it shows them rebuilding the village the monster wrecked. Then they are playing football, then it's them having story time before bed in the middle of the forest. 

This is where Ares shows up and yells at Hercules that Zeus took Evander back because Hercules helped focus his power. Zeus is going to open the gate that brings out Hera. Hera is like the big bad bitch of this series. Don't fuck with Hera. Hercules also mentions that the Titans are stuck down there with Hera and if he releases her he releases everyone! Oh shit. I wonder how this is going to go down! Is Ares telling the truth?!? It certainly seems so as Hercules and IceCream run to the cave she's in. They get there too late and Hercules utters the classic 1990s line "There Goes the Neighborhood!" Hercules and Zeus have a great little argument/fight. I like the guy who plays Zeus. Serious enough when need be but still able to be over the top when also needed. Anyway the cave is being destroyed because Evander also brought the Titans back. The Titans are Giants so this is gonna be something.

The Titans and Hera cannot remember who they are. That's okay because Hera is with Zeus and them, but The Titans end up meeting Ares who is uh, not the nicest fella. He gets them to agree to not kill him if he helps them destroy Olympus. It's not very hard because these Titan dudes are not very smart. They are a hilarious effect though. I love it. Painted bodies and CGI to make them look tall. I am a fan. They ask how can we destroy Mount Olympus. He says they have a brother Atlas. So I guess they are going off to find him. So two of the giants can turn into water and fire. This gives Hercules an idea to have them both crash into each other and turn into steam. So he and IceCream do this and those two are gone. Sadly Atlas had been released and is on his way to mash Mount Olympus into goop. Not Gwen Paltrow's goop but original goop. 

Oh shit if Atlas destroys the pillar that holds up Mount Olympus it will cause Mount Olympus to CRASH INTO THE EARTH which will throw it off its axis. Too make matters even worse Ares has stolen something from the fates that gave Hera her memories back and she's turned Zeus into a fucking boulder. Oh shit Hercules has got some hard work ahead of him! Anyway Atlas is about to destroy the pillar and Hercules starts taunting him. He chucks a small as rock under his feet and he trips on it. You're a big fucking giant Atlas you gotta watch where you are going! Dope. However Hera shows up trying to kill him. This gives Atlas enough time to get up and start messing with the pillar. Hercules tells Hera to hit him with her best shot and she does but he deflects it by hitting it with a piece of stone that now looks like a baseball bat. It hits Atlas and turns him into stone. This is a good thing because he had knocked down the pillar.

While Mount Olympus is safe again, it's not looking very good for Evander. He's dead! It was shown earlier in the episode that Zeus and Hera together have the power to bring back the dead so she has to go back to Zeus. They bring back Evander and Hercules tells them their war ends today! So yeah. This show definitely knew it was being cancelled and wanted to go out on a high note. Hercules and IceCream walk off into the sunset only to be bothered by Ares whos pissed that Hera and Zeus might actually get back together. Personally I say that relationship lasts a week before Zeus is fucking something he shouldn't be fucking. Anyway they hurt Ares feelings and he leaves. IceCream mentions that Hercules said he would retire after this and he says oh ok. They sit on some rocks until Hercules is like let's get out of retirement! They have a nice little discussion on if they would ever really give it up. IceCream then asks Hercules if Hera and Zeus can bring back their relationship and Hercules says after all they have been through all he can say is "Anything's possible!"

FINAL VERDICT: Definitely one of the best Final Episodes. It's funny, action packed, full of great character actors. It's a bit cheesy but you know by now that does not bother me in the least. I like cheesy stuff. It ends what must have been one of the shows biggest plotlines but if something were to come up and they could do more episodes, they could still go on. That seems to be what happens to the best of the best Final Episodes from TV from before we had to make TV into mini movies or whatever. Anyway I had a lot of fun with this but I don't think It's going to stay that way. We are talking about a show I did not like as a child next time! Wait and see what that is!

The Final Episode #101: Heathcliff (1984 - 1986)

 

It's time for the start of the next one hundred The Final Episodes. It's time for everyone to get exicted! Can we even make it two hundred? Do I even have enough shows I want to talk about? Will I give up like a lazy bum? Who knows! All I know is that the next Final Episodes are of stuff that's gonna be fun as heck to talk about. At least for me. I will save that for the end of this article so wait and see!  Anyway We are finishing off the Christmas Specials Final Episodes with Heathcliff. The original fat orange cat. The one port hates because he is a no fun bum who smells poorly. He needs to stop being wrong 98% of the time. 

Anyway Heathcliff was created by George Gately Gallagher in 1973. He was a New Yorker cartoonist and even had a comic strip before this called Hippie or some shit like that. It involved weirdos trying to bone a spoon shaped woman. I only learned of this recently and I was not a fan. I do not like having this information. Who the hell is attracted to spoons? Weirdos that's who. So yeah, Heathcliff was beaten in popularity by another fat cat, Garfield. I like Garfield more but Heathcliff still had his own charm that I enjoyed. Honestly Heathcliff feels more like a real cat to me. Tough creatures who take no shit. Heathcliff takes no shit from anyone, not even a dog twice his size. Garfield gets shit on my dogs that are not Odie. Garfield is a pampered wimp and Heathcliff is a real man. 

Heathcliff first foray into television was a Ruby-Spears television cartoon called Heathcliff and Rif Rat or something. It involved Heathcliff and some new characters made by Ruby-Spears. Those new characters were not a hit so in the second season of shows he was joined by Marmaduke. Marmaduke might be the worst animal related comic strip of all time. It was just WOW THAT DOG IS HUGE for over 60 years. I do like the art style of Marmaduke which is why it's a better comic than Family Circus. Anyway this series didn't last more than two seasons on Saturday Morning. So you could probably watch every episode within like two days if you wanted too.

The second one was this one and was created by DIC Animation, back when Jean Chalopin was in charge which is clearly the greatest era for DiC animation. I think I mention Disney and DiC the most of the shows I do. It's not my fault they made wonderfully fun and enjoyable television cartoons! Heathcliff lasted for two seasons of 86 episodes. DiC Animation was so good that they made Chuck Lorre put out good work and everyone thought that was impossible.  This show was one of the shows that came on I guess TBS. I forget when but it was before we got them as channels in our cable package. We would get a free weekend or week or whatever and holy hell would I just sit there and watch that and The Family Channel. I think there was a third channel of shows and a movie channel. I could be wrong on this. I am old and my memory has never been good. It was a great time when you realized you had those channels. Hell I'm sure there were times when I watched them when they were scrambled and all I could do was hear Duck Tales. It was certainly better than Little House on the Prairie. Heathcliff was one of those shows If I recall correctly and it was a lot of fun. Not my absolute favorite of all time but something I did enjoy watching. 

I also must mention the Cadillac Cats. They were a group of cats that would do....cat things. Yeah They were the second cartoon beside Heathcliff. It was like Garfield and Friends and U.S. Acres. They were fine. Both existed, both had some good moments but really you wouldn't have cared if they put another Heathcliff/Garfield cartoon in their place. I mention this because well We will end up talking about a Cadillac Cats cartoon too within this FINAL EPISODE article. 

The Final Episode of Heathcliff involved two cartoons. One Heathcliff and One of the Cadillac Cats. The Heathcliff one is A Christmas Episode where as the Cadillac Cats one isn't. This actually works out well because after this article we are going back to non-Christmas Final Episodes and we will still be talking about them during this month. So it's like a bridge between the two. Anyway let's start with "North Pole Cat", this segment starts out with Spike's owner uh Joe Bob (I don't know this kids name and I owned a ton of Heathcliff books as a kid.) is saying that he's been taught how to act like a bull. He sees a mailman and oh damn it's up to Heathcliff to save the day. He does his Matador act and we all have a good laugh. The Mailman gives him his mail which are returned letters to Santy Claus. 

This causes Heathcliff to act. He gets Spike dressed up as a sledding dog and goes all the way to the North Pole. Heathcliff does not fuck around when it comes to Christmas. Anyway we go to a elf toy shop and find out that an evil bad no good Elf named Tuck has been sending back letters. And breaking toys! Tuck is clearly played by Charlie Adler. I did not have to look that up. He's using the voice he uses for annoying characters. I kinda love it. It's just the right amount of annoying. Anyway he is fired for all these acts and that's when he sees Heathcliff and Spike. He starts throwing snowballs at them and they get knocked onto ice. He then pulls out what looks like Thor's fucking hammer and smashes the ice right good. This freezes Spike but Heathcliff pulls him out and gives him his hat and earmuffs. Heathcliff is a good guy...sometimes.

Heathcliff then creates a fucking snowball fort within seconds because he is a cartoon character and they can do that. He and Tuck start throwing balls back and forth. Heathcliff then gets the idea to make one giant ass snowball and launch it at Tuck. He is successful and Tuck goes rolling away in snow. Meanwhile a fucking POLAR BEAR wants to eat Spike so Heathcliff has to rush back and save him. It doesn't matter because the Tuck Snow Ball runs the Polar Bear over and back into his cave. Tuck is heard yelling for help and Heathcliff decides to knock down the icicles causing the Polar bear to be trapped but to save Tuck.

Tuck gets them an invite with Santy Claus himself! Now that's a good thing! Heathcliff brings back the letters and Santa asks if they have been good or not. They say yes despite the fact they enjoy mischief like there's no tomorrow. Santa Says the fact they brought back these letters is a good deed that takes away form all the mischief. I mean I suppose bringing back his owners letter is a good thing but that's just one letter! It can't make up for THAT much Santa!! Anyway Santa brings Heathcliff and Spike back to their houses and they end up having a snowball fight. Those rascals will never learn!

The Cadillac Cats cartoon is not getting anything more than a paragraph because that's not what I wanted to talk about. Mungo the big dopey one gets a letter from his grandma that his little brother might end up a bad alley cat so she sends him to live with him. His brother ends up stealing their car and joining some group of alley cats with girlfriends. Their girlfriends have tits. It's weird. I don't like that. Anyway they end up jousting to save the junkyard and Mingo, Mungo's kid brother clearly goes back to him and becomes a good guy out of nowhere really. Well it looks like because Cleo was nice to him. I dunno. This cartoon blows and I don't like it. As a whole I'd say Dennis the Menace was a better  cartoon because it knew that people wanted Dennis the Menace not Dennis the Menace and some other random losers. 

FINAL VERDICT: The Heathcliff cartoon was great fun. The Cadillac Cats was lame. That's all I really gotta say about this. I'd say watch the Heathcliff part of this episode and just go about your business. (Also return for the start of SYNDICATION SILLINESS a six part series of live action Syndicated shows! It'll be a hoot!)

Movie Review #71: Christmas With the Kranks (2004)

 

You know I thought it would be a long long time before I came across a worse Christmas movie than Last Ounce of Courage. I thought it would be years, maybe never finding one. However the very next movie I watched is somehow worse. I decided because I'm watching all kinds of shitty disliked Christmas movies to watch Christmas With the Kranks. I don't know why I did it but I did it. Anyway this movie has been considered "shit garbage" for a very long time and I've been curious about it for a very long time. the 2000s were not the prettiest time for comedy films. Boy howdy. 

Before I go anywhere else can I say how sad it is that Dan Aykroyd went from literal star of a bunch of really great or really fun comedies to just being the guy who shows up in random movies. Also Tom Poston deserved better as I think this might have been his last movie. Oh and this might be the first movie I don't like M Emmett Walsh in. I love him even when he's being the biggest monster of a person but this movie he simply doesn't care. The man acted his heart out in so many movies. He'll he's still doing it at 86 years old, but this movie was just too much.

The very first problem here is that I am not a fan of Timothy Allen. Never have been. It's pretty much the one reason I've put off watching Galaxy Quest even thought it seems like a fun movie. I was not a fan of Home Improvement as a child and a recent re-watch of some episodes didn't do anything to make me a fan as an adult.  He did one thing I've ever liked and that was voice Buzz Lightyear in the Toy Story films. Other than that he always very much bothered me. Jamie Lee Curtis I've always liked but sometimes like in this movie she can kinda end up just feeling like she is sleepwalking through a role. Not a lot of fun to watch.

The second problem is that I really don't like this premise. A family says good bye to their daughter who is leaving for the Peace Corps and decides to not do Christmas this year. Oh heavens they want to choose to not to celebrate for one year. However all of their neighbors are stupid fucking jerks who feel they get to decide what you do with your holidays. I'd hate to be of a different religion around these intolerant fuckers. There's no joke a great black comedy full of gallows humor to be had here but no we have to do the wacky shtick which isn't Timothy Allen's strong point.  Also all kinds of jokes that don't fit in with the rather weak premise. Timothy Allen gets botox for some reason. It's a really bad scene and I don't want anyone to ever watch it. Promise me that you won't.

So the daughter comes home and they have to work to do the Christmas thing ON CHRISTMAS EVE! OH MAN! You know they could try fun montages or something but nope not even gonna try anymore. Even though it wasn't trying at all. A character from literally the first few minutes of the film that I forgot about comes to Jamie Lee Curtis and talks to her even though she doesn't know who he is. She invites him to the Christmas Party because why not have a creepy weirdo at your house!  Oh man it seems everything is wrapped up! The foods been cooked and Blair has no idea that her parents were going to gasp SKIP CHRISTMAS. Anyway they have to make this a hour and 38 minutes so the kid from Malcolm in the Middle lets a criminal loose in their house! This just might be the laziest "oh shit we need something else to happen because the movies too short" thing I've ever seen. Ever.  Lol the creepy weirdo guy ends up being Santa Claus despite not being a fat jolly man. I don't like when movies don't show Santa as a fat jolly man. I don't care if you change his race or anything but damnit the man's a big fella. Don't skimp on that. Yeah at the last minute it just turns out that this random throwaway character that I had forgotten about literally turns out to be Santa. It's the laziest reveal of OH SHIT THAT GUY WAS ACTUALLY SANTA EVER.

FINAL VERDICT: Talented people worked on this movie. They really did. It's just not a concept that works. You either have to make the people skipping Christmas into assholes or the people forcing them to have Christmas into crazy assholes. It might MAYBE work as a black comedy film but they weren't going to do that with Timothy Allen. A shame but hey, maybe the next movie will be good.

The Final Episode #100: The Care Bears Family (1986 - 1988)

 

Well we finally made it. 100 articles or columns or blog posts or whatever the hell, just discussing the Final Episodes of any series. I'm surprised this lasted so long. I thought I would have given up for good around #7. I thought I would have given up on this entire blog. So I'm glad I actually stuck to something for once in my life instead of just giving up. It's not successful in any way really. I get like maybe 10 people reading this crap, but I'm still glad I got to it. This wasn't the original Final Episode #100. You see I wanted to have all up to 100 done before the end of November. However, that doesn't work out. You see sometimes I'll take a day or two or even twenty away from this blog. If you aren't up to writing something even something silly I'll come across in the writing. That meaning If I forced something out this would have been even worse somehow. 

#99 and #100 would originally have been Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers and I Love Lucy. It was only because of how countchocula picked the order did I see that Care Bears or the second series The Care Bears Family would be perfect as #100. You see while this blog is part "Find stuff from the past I've never really delved into" it's also a nostalgia blog and boy oh boy did the Care Bears ever have something to do with my childhood. I have a picture of me barely over a year old holding a purple Care Bear with a milkshake on it. It's probably Share Bear or something like that. There were like 72 thousand of them I can't be called to remember all their damn names. I watched the movies all the time. However I didn't realize there was a DIC cartoon before this one. Don't worry we will talk about this one but I just felt like it was a better idea to talk about this show first.

So, the Care Bears first started in 1981. forty years ago. Damn time flies when you are having fun and even when you aren't. Anyway they started as Greeting Card characters. I think the same people who created them created Strawberry Shortcake. Care Bears had two tv specials before DIC came around to do the animated series. That one didn't last very long and then it was up to Nelvana to take up the charge and create the second Care Bears series. Since Nelvana was a Canadian animation company, it counted as Canadian content and we need that on our TV due to a law. This series I'm pretty sure is still running somewhere on some Canadian station. This and Inspector Gadget. 

The Final Episode was "Care Bears Nutcracker Suite" yes, it's a Christmas related three parter. That's how YTV always showed the three episodes. It would get shown during the rotation of the series AND at Christmas. I was always a big fan of these three episodes. They were a fun action packed Christmas adventure. This is STILL the only version of the Nutcracker I've ever seen. I am not a cultured man (what a shock!) and I don't really watch operas? It was a opera right? Anyway This was a really fun adventure. Now let's get to discuss the entire three parter.

The First Episode starts off with some kids doing the Nutcracker play. Their teacher talks about how there are different versions of this play/opera/whatever. They ask her what her favorite version is and she starts this story. It shows the Care Bears up in Care-A-Lot getting ready for Christmas. Grumpy Bear is shoveling snow, and at age 8 I was fine with this but now at age 36 I'm like why is he shoveling clouds. Why is snow appearing ABOVE the clouds? I usually don't get picky about this goofy stuff but this time I just went "wait what" Anyway they get a call about a lonely girl and that's Anna. Sunshine Bear and Grumpy Bear go to help her. She is sad about her friend Sharon moving away. They tell her that no matter how far a friend is you're still friends! This cheers her up a little but she still sad she doesn't have anyone to play with. BLAM out pops the Nutcracker out of a damn dimensional portal that just popped out of nowhere.  He talks about how he forgot who he is and then the Rat King and several of his henchmen pop out of the portal. They chase them out of the house, throw snowballs out of them and then the Care Bears shoot them back into their portal. Several other Care Bears come by, Tenderheart, Brave Heart Lion and Lotsa Heart Elephant. They also didn't realize that Hugs and Tugs were with them. They were looking for their very own Christmas Tree Ornament. Peter, Anna's younger brother is told to stay with them while they go in the portal. Peter doesn't listen and gets Hugs and Tugs to come with him. That bad bad boy.

The Second Episode starts up with yet again the kids at the play. They are waiting for the teacher to start up again because these were the starts of episodes. Now we finally meet the Sugar Plum Fairy and the Evil Vizier and learn about the fancy magic ring that will help the Vizier even more. I'm still not sure what a Vizier is. The Care Bears and Anna find a Toy Train to get on. Peter, Hugs and Tugs get on and hide away in the caboose (possibly the funniest word in the English language.) They are brought to a dark and fucked up area of Toyland, created due to the Vizier's evil magic. They are attacked by some random toys until they find out that the toys had been hurt and just want to escape. They are told about what had happened to the Prince (hint its the Nutcracker) and how they were treated just to find the Magic Ring. They get the toys to join them to stop the Vizier. Then there's this huge battle with the Rat King and his henchmen on the train tracks. Also two of his henchmen are eating the licorice bridge (it's their favorite)  They escape but Peter, Hugs and Tugs are captured. This episode ends with The Evil Vizier talking about how they might have escaped but he will still capture them. When these would show on YTV this would freeze on his evil ass face. It always made me angry. THE CARE BEARS WILL GET YOU VIZIER DON'T TEST ME!!!

The Final Episode is a wild one. It has the Care Bears turned into WOOD to be DESTROYED if the Nutcracker won't open the nut that has the magic ring  It also has a lot of Peter, Hugs and Tugs action if that is what you are into. They escaped from the Rat King because the Rat King is a huge moron and very easy to fool. They get him to show how much he loves the dark by running into the darkest part of the dungeon they are in. He gets out thanks to his henchmen. Peter, Hugs and Tugs get the magic ring and HILARIOUS HIJINX ensue. The Rat King finally gets the ring to the Vizier and when he's getting ready to put it on (like all villains he takes his sweet ass time to do this because he wants to savor this moment. Savoring it just costs him the victory as The Sugar Plum Fairy is able to take the magic ring and give it to the Nutcracker! HE TURNS INTO THE PRINCE! The only time in my childhood I was ever more surprised of something was when Sailor Moon turned out to be The Moon Princess. It was so shocking that I couldn't speak for a week! Anyway the Evil Vizier is ruined and sent away. The Rat King and his henchmen get Care Bear Stared. They are all sent back home. Anna meets a new friend that looks just like The Nutcracker. The Care Bears go back home. We now go to the future with kids showing that The Teacher WAS ANNA. HOLY SHIT IT ALL HAPPENED. OH MY GOD. She's also married to that kid that looked like the Nutcracker! The Care Bears were there listening all the time. She then just leaves the kids unattended and they all died. Well not really. 

FINAL VERDICT: This was a delightful Final Episode and also Christmas Special. It was full of action and adventure and for a Care Bears episode, weirdly dark. The flashback of the Toys being forced to look for the Magic Ring is messed up. They are all shackled up looking for it. Oh and the fact the Care Bears are TURNED INTO WOOD TO BE SET AFLAME IS SOME WILD FUCKING SHIT. These episodes upped the ante and were always something I had to watch during the Christmas season or hell whenever they were on. Highest recommendation. 

Movie Review #70: Last Ounce of Courage (2012)

 

American Conservatives live in a fucking fantasy land. Not a fun fantasy land full of wizards and barbarians and giant man-bears. No a fucking stupid fantasy land where taking out a gun while IN the middle of a shooting will be seen as badass and not stupid. They believe they are fucking action stars in the movies, without realizing every part of those movies were faked. Sure Chuck Norris and Steven Segal and all them know how to fight and stuff but they can't take down a damn entire bar full of people who stop school shooters. The last Conservative movie I watched was Run, Hide, Fight and it was a delusional mess, but what else did you expect from Ben Shapiro's fucking movie company. that dude needs a damn wedgie. 

This movie is about the War on Christmas, a made up fake bull shit garbage thing made by pea brained idiots for pea brained idiots. This is a foolish, moronic movie and I hate it so much. It starts off with a guys son named Thomas going off to war and dying. His father takes this very hard. His grandson and son's wife comes back into his life and his grandson inspires him TO BRING CHRISTMAS BACK TO THIS TOWN. Yeah, no. People still fucking celebrate Christmas. Some government buildings may not want to put up religious stuff due to the whole SEPERATION OF CHURCH AND STATE that has been going on for a long fucking time. Seriously this movie pretends that no one has Christmas anymore. It's very very stupid. 

Oh and in one scene the stupid grandfather asshole says he wouldn't give up his war service for anyone. Yeah you know most individuals got traumatized by war right? And most of them would probably have wished a war not happen. What a dumb argument. Oh and two girls the sons age, like 14 or some shit are in a Winter Play and they play aliens instead of Angels. Yeah hilarious. Conservatives are also not funny. Really not funny. I hope something comes of this play because the kid actors are fucking horrendous  and I don't like them. Really don't like them. Although to be fair everyone is fucking terrible in this movie. There's also a random Biker gang that might be led by a midget. What the hell is this movie smoking and where can I get some?

What the FUCK. Fred Fucking Williamson is in this movie. as some TV anchor guy. Let's see if he makes Grandpa Mayor look like an idiot or not. Is he going to be the bad guy of the film?!?! I hope he has more than one scene because he is awesome and I may not end up with a massive headache from watching this movie.  OH SHIT THAT NASTY CHURCH AND STATE THING IS POPPING UP. FRED WILLIAMSON IS TELLING THE MAYORS FIRST IN COMMAND WHATEVER GUY TO TELL THE MAYOR TO TEAR DOWN THOSE DECORATIONS AND TO APOLOGIZE. OH GOD THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING HILARIOUS NOW ITS THAT DELUDED. HOLY SHIT.

The kids are now changing the Christmas Play! I don't know about you but their subplot is fucking BORING and I won't be talking about any more of it. At least the main plot with Mayor Grandpa is dementedly insane and I can't stop watching it. HAHAHAHA holy shit the Mayor Grandpa literally says "Not one RADIO STATION PLAYS TRUE CHRISTMAS MUSIC ANYMORE" oh my sweet baby Jesus.  Man this guy is such a whiny turd. Conservative Christians are all like WERE BEING TREATED LIKE SECOND CLASS CITIZENS! nah you aint' stop that shit you dopey FUCKS.

I'm too bored of this movie to talk about any more of it. It's bad and stupid and really dull too. Hahahaha wow I take it back. The evil FRED WILLIAMSON got his way and STATE AND CHURCH have to stay separate. now they are trying to say MAYOR GRANDPA wasn't a war hero after all! Oh my godddddd! This is clearly added horseshit to increase the running time to actual film length. He will find some metal that shows hes a hero and BLAH BLAH BLAH. lol even this movie has a WISE BLACK MAN in it. I like Wise black men. He is not played by either Bill Cobbs or Morgan Freeman.

Oh and so I don't forget the movie give him the last name of Revere. Yes like Paul Revere. The BRITISH ARE COMING guy. Yes this guy who put back up a Cross is so important. Jesus Christ this movies head is so far up its own asshole. 

FINAL VERDICT: If you believe in the War on Christmas, go outside to the nearest dumpster and start eating trash. You goober.

Comic Review #74: Alf Holiday Special #1 (1989)

 

 

Holy moly catteroly! catteroly is not a word but is moly even a word? The English language is weird and I'm not a huge fan. Anyway I've already talked about Star Comics when I talked about Care Bears #1. Yes I bring you reviews of the comics you clearly want to talk about! Anyway Star Comics (Alf was a part of it even if it says Marvel up there in the corner. Don't ask me why.) was a part of Marvel Comics and had series for stuff like Alf and Heathcliff. I will get reviews for everything later. I swear I've talked about Alf comics before but a look over the Comic Reviews shows that I have not.

I swear I talked about Michael Gallagher but I guess I have not. He has worked on Mad magazine, Sonic the Hedgehog and apparently three years on Guardians of the Galaxy. That 90s comic that involves the Guardians characters that no one cares about, not the ones from the movie. He was also the nephew of George Gatley who created Heathcliff. If that's what got him the job at Marvel I don't know but he writes very silly but fun comics. Silly but fun is what Alf and Heathcliff are all about. Dave Manak the artist really doesn't have much information on him out there. He was born in the late 1950s and worked at like every company. The dude worked on Acclaim Comics. Who the fuck even worked at Acclaim Comics. I bet they were about as good as most of Acclaim games. The person with the longest career in the Alf comic was Marie Severin. She worked in comics from 1950 to the 1990s. At EC Comics and Marvel Comics. I love her goofy comic art so much. I need to talk about one of them. Sadly she passed away in 2018 at the age of 89.

There are several stories within this comic. More bang for your buck. Or two bucks and twenty five cents if you live in Canada. The first story is "Shop Till You Drop" A story that involves Alf under the guise of a toy called Phuzzy Phillip going to the Mall during Christmas for Christmas gifts. She AND Willie forgot the microscope Brian wanted. Alf just wants to see all the people of earth being insane and weird about this. Boy oh boy does he get that. He almost gets batteries put into him. That would have been painful and gross. Yeah some guy actually thinks hes a toy thats broken. He also yells at some customers and they go "Our daughter is too young for those kinda of talkin toys!" or something like that. I think this was my favorite story within the entire book. 

The next story is called "Snowman is an Island". The Tanners are all talking about how they would love a White Christmas so Alf uses his weird Melmac shit he has in his spaceship. This Balloon thing. Also science of the Melmacian kid I'm assuming to cause snow to fall. It goes way to far and what we get is a blizzard falling on everyone. So Alf has to get another weather changing balloon up there with the help of his space ships rockets. This is another fun story but I think it goes on a tad too long. It's not even that long either! I dunno.  The Third story, "The Return of Crazy Critter" is a story of Alf being a mascot for the local high school foot ball team. The Otters. I think that might be the only football team my sister would ever like. Well it's a story of him returning as Crazy Critter. The first story apparently happened all the way back in the second issue of the series. The next Holiday Special has another Crazy Critter story. So yeah Alf gets the crowd all riled up which helps the players. And he saves the day with a chilli dog created burp which causes the football to go over the goal. Yay Alf!

The next story is "The Gift of the Melmagi" which involves Alf telling the story of the Melmagi to the Tanners. The story involves a guy named Gordon and a woman named Rhonda. It has him sell his watch to get her a hairbrush and he thinks she sold her hair but she's become a saleslady. That's it. Clearly the least amusing story in the lot. Not a fan. We get a Melmacian version of 12 Days of Christmas. It's okay, if only for the corny joke of Geese a laying. They are laying bricks down. It made me laugh. I'm really lame. 23 Ski Dos and Don'ts is our fifth story. 12 Days of Melmac Christmas Whatever was some song parody. Not a story. Don't argue with me on this portnoyd. so 23 Ski Do's and Don'ts involves Alf thinking the Snowman they made yesterday has died and gives him a honest farewell with some Melmacian musical object. It causes an Avalanche and Alf has to become the Lone Shumranger to save the Tanners and the day! This was a fun story. It also mentioned that Alf somehow met the Tom Baker version of Dr. Who. Now that's wild stuff. I wonder if they ever did that story.

Our Final Story is "Alf Lang Syne" and it's about New Years Party the Tanners are going to hold. With their human friends, which means Alf can't go. Alf ends up in the garage and over the course of the party the entire Tanner family ends up out there. They end up celebrating the new Year with Alf after all. It's a simple little story, but all of these are. They were made for kids, little kids, yet Michael Gallagher makes them fun enough for sad weirdos in their thirties who still like Alf.  Dave Manak's silly yet fun art works very well. I'm interested in checking out more of his stuff. I might even check out those Acclaim Comics he did because what other blog is going to talk about Acclaim Comics?

FINAL VERDICT: If you enjoy Alf, you'll probably get a kick out of this comic. I did. I had a lot of fun. I think they go for the joke where they put the word Mel behind something else a bit much but it's got that goofy Alf charm down pat. You could see some of this stuff on the TV show but with maybe a few changes. I must warn you though, this comic shows Alf in a diaper and I don't know if anyone should see that. I'm not a fan of that. Anyway I'm sure I will talk about another Star Comic soon enough.

The Final Episode #99: Alvin and the Chipmunks (1983 - 1990)

 

   Ho boy! It's time for our third out of five Christmas Final Episodes! Today the blog's good friend countchoucla has chosen Alvin and the Chipmunks for us. Alvin and the Chipmunks has had a surprisingly long history. It was started in 1958 as a gag record by a man with a last name I cannot spell so to respect him I will not spell it. I do not want him spinning so fast in his grave he breaks through all the dirt and comes spinning after me. I do not do well running away so I would be a goner. Anyway he created that record and it was a hit. He made more and they even had a television cartoon series in the 1960s. We will get to that when we get to it. It's finally time to discuss Alvin and the Chipmunks.

I want to get one thing out of the way here, I consider The Chipmunks Go to the Movies to be an entirely different thing. I don't care if I'm alone on this but I do. It's kinda like Archie Bunker's Place. It had the same characters but they were doing different stuff. In Archie Bunkers Place he was running a bar or some shit. In The Chipmunks Go To the Movies they spoof popular movies of the time like Back to the Future or Batman. I will discuss that show within the Final Episode even though there were about 12 episodes of it. I just don't consider it apart of the original show. It was a last desperate attempt to keep the Chipmunks alive on Saturday Morning. It wasn't bad it was just "we gotta shake shit up", plus I wanted to discuss an episode that was about the actual characters and not the characters pretending to be the characters from the Dick Tracy movie. Portnoyd will complain about this but he can literally go and eat shit.

So Alvin and the Chipmunks was about them as a musical group and the wacky adventures they would go on. The very first episode produced by Ruby Spears was of them meeting Mr. T! It was called the C Team and while I don't think I've seen it, it clearly has to be the greatest first episode of all time. Nothing could top that, Nothing. Anyway it involved Alvin the conceited snotty bastard who was hilarious, Simon the intelligent one, and Theodore was the fat one. He liked to eat food. He was a cute little rascal and everyone loved him. This might be the one show that I can recall that had 3 animation studios work on it. From 1983 to 1987, it was Ruby-Spears. in 1989 and 1990 it was DiC. We have already talked about them. If you don't know about them you really probably shouldn't be on this blog.

The third company however we have not talked about it was Fred Wolf TV, or at that time Murakami-Wolf-Swenson. Jimmy Murakami, Fred Wolf, and Charles Swenson. They worked on all kinds of random shit that most people don't care about but they also did Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That alone makes them a giant in 80s/90s kids eyes. They also did The Toxic Crusaders. I am surprised I haven't reviewed one of those Toxic Avenger comics I somehow have. Troma is a weird company but not what we are talking about right now. Jimmy Murakami also worked on The Snowman. The one made from that British book with the awesome animation. Now that's cool as hell. Their original company lasted from 1967 to 1999. Yet they came back in 2013. Neat-o.

Anyway, I loved these guys as a kid. Alvin and the Chipmunks was a must watch for me as a kid. It had fun songs, all kinds of laughs, wonderful characters. It was a show that I would be sad if I had to miss, so this was an A-Tier cartoon of my youth. The weird thing was I was not really into The Alvin Show, the 1960s cartoon version. I much preferred the 1980s series. I had no problem with 1960s animation clearly because I love several Hanna Barbera products from crying out loud. I also loved Underdog and The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Yet I could never truly get into The Alvin Show. I didn't hate it. It was always a "Oh alright I guess I'll watch this". It just didn't have something that the 1980s show had for me. I dunno. Don't worry I will also do The Alvin Show. It wouldn't feel complete if I didn't.

So now we get into the meat of the story. I'll just come right out and say it. This is A Christmas Carol. Yep the book that has so many versions we don't even know where to start about it. I like A Christmas Carol. It's a very good sentimental story. It works incredibly well on film. I enjoy watching as many versions of it as can, so I enjoyed this episode. I like that people sometimes get creative with this story. I think my favorite version is the one with the Muppets but who could ever say something wasn't better with Muppets in it. I don't know where this version of the story would rate but I'd still say check it out if you enjoy the Chipmunks and Christmas.

So The Final Episode "Merry Christmas, Mister Carrol" starts out with Simon and Theodore telling Alvin it was nice of their teacher to let him have till Christmas Eve to finish his one page essay on the meaning of Christmas. He complaining that he didn't have enough time. Simon is like "she gave us three weeks to do it". Alvin goes "I was working on my CHRISTMAS LIST OF GIFTS, ya baloney fuck".  They go home. We see Mister Carrol working in his garden planting some plants. Even giving them names at first,  you see, Mr Carrol is lonely and also losing his mind apparently. It happens when you get lonely enough. Anyway Alvin being the little bastard he is runs over his plants. 

We now get to the house. Dave is wondering where Alvin is. Simon is working on his present to Dave. A sock sorting machine. It's big and unwieldly but hey it's the thought that counts. Dave IS very messy when it comes to socks I guess. Theodore is cooking cookies for Dave's Christmas gift. Alvin of course is writing a comically large list to his Grandparents and anyone else he can get to give him gifts. He actually later on just refers to his Grandparents as "major suppliers of Christmas gifts" Alvin is such a wonderful little shit. I love him. 

Dave forces him to go on his paper route, so Alvin does just that. Throwing papers all willy nilly so he can get back home. He throws Mr Carrol's paper into his bird bath. Mister Carrol loves his damn newspaper so much and he demands Alvin to get another or he will call Dave. This gets Alvin to call him a grouch but I'm like "Dude you ruined HIS NEWSPAPER". Alvin then has to go all over the place to get him a newspaper. He does but returns home with no time to send Grandpa and Grandma his Christmas List! Oh my god HOW WILL HE SURVIVE without the 82,000 toys he wanted! So he goes to bed but not before realizing he has to do his homework. So he stays up trying to finish his homework but falls asleep.

This is where the first Ghost shows up. I wish I took a picture of it because Dave Seville reminds me of Khan from Star Trek II. It's very weird. He brings them to their first Christmas together where their gifts to him inspire him to write the Christmas Song. You know the one about planes that loop de loop and hula hoops. That one. Alvin is still a bit snotty like usual but is starting to get the picture. In comes the Ghost of Christmas Present, which is Theodore. He shows Alvin how bad he's going to act in a few days and how bad Mr. Carrol has it. The poor bastard daily highlight is to read the paper. That's how sad his life has gotten. Jesus man. That's rough.

Then incomes Simon with a tv screen thing to show him the Future. Alvin has bought all the gifts he can for himself. He also ends up eating all the food and becoming fatter than Theodore. He also wrecks the shit outta the Grandparents and even the house. This is enough to teach Alvin the lesson of giving instead of receiving. He then writes his little essay before going out to do everything he can. Get gifts. Help Simon. Actually be excited to see his Grandparents and not their gifts. Everything he can. He even wraps a damn Newspaper for Mister Carrol, AND brings him and his cat Ebeneezer to the Seville house. He's so up Chrismas's ass that we'll never see him again. Sad.  

FINAL VERDICT: If you like A Christmas Carol and the Chipmunks you'll probably get a kick out of this episode. If you don't this isn't the version of the story that will turn you into a fan. That's about it really. Nice enough but nothing amazing. 

Movie Review #69: Bone Alone / Alone For Christmas (2013)

 

Now This is somethnig I can sink my teeth into and not do a mini-review of. I guess Mini-Reviews are now out of the question because joust and portnoyd don't like them and want to fill them up with FILTH FLARN FILTH. Anyway this movie gives me a lot to talk about. It's the first Asylum film I've talked about on this blog! The Asylum for those who don't know is a mockbuster company. Any time a big name movie comes out they have a shitty film to go along with it. Like Snakes on a Train. sometimes their movies can be a lot of fun like Sharknado and sometimes you get a sluggish piece of shit. Where does Bone Alone fall in? Uh, It's probably #3 on the rankings of all the Christmas movies I've watched thus far.

What is the plot of Bone Alone? Well It's the same damn plot as every other Home Alone ripoff except this time a dog is left home. A family is going away for Christmas and one of their dogs is blamed for something the other dog did and gets in trouble and has to stay at a kennel for the holidays. The dog who actually caused the problems came with them because these people are really stupid. One of them is played by one of the sons of Dom Deluise! Now that's cool! Sadly he's not a very good actor. Anyway the dog going on the trip with them ends up finding out that their house is getting robbed via the internet. Yeah the kennel has internet connection and you can watch your dogs. He gets a ride with a couple and one of them looks like Santa. Spoiler alert it turns out those are the grandparents! WOAH! Guys come along and try to rob them. No joke at one point I thought two of the robbers were kids because of the way they were sitting. Yeah I'm weird.

So uh, no time but the present to talk about what somehow becomes the best part of the movie. Kevin Sorbo. No I am not joking. He plays a dog catcher guy who kidnaps dogs and gets them back for people. He plays this character like Quint from Jaws. There are Jaws spoof scenes in this Home Alone ripoff movie. I never thought I'd say that Kevin Sorbo was the best part of anything but weirder things have happened. He does though so that's gotta be said. For some reason he decided yes that It's time for me to actually act in a motion picture. It only took him several decades. (Yes I will talk about Hercules the Legendary Journeys very soon.) 

This movie was pretty dull and uneventful. A guy gets stuck in a chimney and a laundry shoot during the movie and it's still not a lot of fun to watch. I was sad to see Kevin Sorbo go. SAD. Do you think anyone has ever said that? NO! THEY HAVENT. Still Kevin Sorbo's scenes somehow makes this a better movie than Surviving Christmas or Jingle All the Way 2. Oh the same guy who gets stuck in a laundry shoot literally gets his face set on fire on a BBQ. The dog put it under the laundry shoot after another guy got soap to help him get out. That might be the wildest stunt I've seen in a Home Alone ripoff so this movies got that going for it.

FINAL VERDICT: A very mediocre film with some fun scenes from the most unlikely source. I cannot believe I have one more of these Home Alone But With Dogs movie. Anyway while reading up on the Asylum I found out that they made a movie called Aquarium of the Dead. Truly that's the greatest Christmas gift I can recieve!

The Final Episode #98: Tiny Toon Adventures (1990 - 1992)

 

You know I've talked about a LOT of Disney shows on this blog. A lot of Disney content really. I like Disney quite a bit as you can tell. It was something I enjoyed a lot as a child. The thing is I loved Warner Brothers cartoons too. I did the Final Looney Tunes cartoon for #25 I think of this column/articles/whatever the hell this shit is and that was that. I guess my "Oh hey let's do the first show that pops into my head" choice selection is not the best idea. I'm sorry to all the Looney Tunes out there and I plan to make it up to you all! That's right I'm going to make it up to some fictional characters. I'm truly deluded.

So remember Muppet Babies? Remember how that was really dang popular and it led into several shows with young versions of the characters. Like The Flintstones Kids (I've never seen it but it's the Flintstones so it probably sucks), A Pup Named Scooby Doo (one of the better lets turn all the characters into kids shows), Yo! Yogi (haven't seen an episode and don't really want too), Tom and Jerry Kids (the worst of the lot). Wow I didn't realize Hanna Barbera made so many of those kinda shows. They at least did a good job with A Pup Named Scooby Doo (most of the writer people from that show would come over to Tiny Toon Adventures) 

One thing I gotta get too before I get to talking about this show is how harsh some of the original Looney Tunes guys were towards it. Or at least stuff they apparently said. It's hard to tell because both men are dead and I've seen people say Friz Freleng said positive things about this show (that it looked as good as a theatrical cartoon!) or bad things. It's not like I can call him or Chuck Jones up (he apparently called the show a retarded step child. Woof.). I just felt like this should be mentioned even if I can't bring down a real source on if these things were said or not. I do know that Bob Clampett's family apparently sold animation cels from this show so they must not hate it. Oh and Stan Freberg voiced one of his characters again for the show. Just felt like these things should be mentioned ya know?

So Tiny Toon Adventures involved the Tiny Toons being taught at Acme Looniversity by the original Looney Tunes on how to be a cartoon. It was all kinds of fun. They would poke fun at all kinds of stuff from the past and even the present. You'll see that here in this Final Episode. Which as I've alluded to all the time is a Christmas Special! They did another Special Night Ghoulery in like 1994 or 1995 but that was years after the show ended and I don't consider that the Final Episode. Now I watched this show when it was originally on, in reruns later on YTV (I think?) and then again recently. It's still a really fun show but it's not 100% perfect or anything. It does have its dud segments. However I would consider this Christmas Special to be pretty good, despite the fact that somehow I never ever saw it as a kid. 

Anyway the episode is called "It's a Wonderful Tiny Toons Christmas Special" So you know it's gonna be making fun of "It's a Wonderful Life", a movie that I have never seen. Yes, that's right ACT SHOCKED AMERICA I have never seen that movie. I may one day watch it but I don't think I need too because this is the 1,982 thing to decide to spoof it. I know the damn movie without having seen it. MERRY CHRISTMAS MOVIE HOUSE!!!!!~!!! Anyway our Christmas Special opens up with a new rendition of the classic theme song! The Tiny Toons are praying to God. I wonder what God looks like in the Looney Tunes/Tiny Toons world. I imagine he's a lion for some reason. Anyway they are praying for Buster Bunny who is apparently planning to leave Tiny Toons. Oh Man! OH GOD! OH MAN! OH GOD OH MAN! even PLUCKY is praying. I mean he's praying so he can still have a job but still!

So God apparently is a hand and a Van Gough painting. Anyway an angel comes by named Harvey and yes he is doing a cheesy Jimmy Stewart impression. It's a pretty good one too. I like Jimmy Stewart. We then go back a little bit to Christmas Eve where they are doing the Christmas Special and Buster and Babs are sledding. They almost run down a Grinch lookalike and the Snowman from  Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Then they stop, showing that this was all rehearsals. They are being watched by two tv executives. A big fat lady and a tiny man. I hope they are lovers because that amuses me. Anyway Montana Max shows up and says he was hurt skiing in Aspen with Morgan Fairchild. A very timely reference for 2021. Apparently  because he wasn't there he was kicked off the show. 

They get ready for the second bit "Plucky the Red Nosed Reinduck... but apparently he got replaced by Urkel. I mean it was 1992 after all.  Since Urkel isn't there they go ahead to the third sketch which is Ebenezer Sneezer with that stupid mouse. I hated that mouse. Fuck Sneezer. Anyway he's hanging out with Bob Hope, another very timely reference for 2021. Montana Max comes out with some Pepper because he's an asshole who wants to ruin the show. Sneezer does his sneezing bit and the whole house comes crashing down.  Well it looks like Plucky was replaced by URKEL again!! Then they do a bit with Cher called Share and Share alike you see because Cher sounds like Share. Montana Max ruins this one too because he's a little fucker. Did you know it took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that Elmyra and Montana Max were Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam stand ins... because it did.

Now it's finally time for Plucky to shine as the Little Drummer Duck....with that rascal William Shatner. A person some people might still remember in 2021. Okay so was Cher but why am I complaining? I'd rather watch Bob Hope and Morgan Fairchild over whatever yahoos they have in Christmas Specials these days. Everyone gets pissed at Buster after dynamite blows up William Shatner and Plucky. Montana Max then gives the TV Executives a comical amount of money to take over the show. It's a giant ass pile of money. He's also got this great shit eating grin on his face. It's beautiful. Buster then leaves to JUMP OFF THE CARTOON AND COMMIT SUICIDE. Damn son. I know he tried to kill himself in It's a Wonderful Life but I didn't think they'd do it here too! Harvey shows up in the flesh and gives him the usual wish. 

They find out that Acme Acres is now Montyville. So that's already a bad sign. Buster then says WHO IS the star of Tiny Toons and then they go to a great version of the theme song involving Plucky Duck. In this one Babs is the one who gets all the anvils to fall on her head. It's very sad for her. Buster tries to convince Plucky who he is but is removed by that Ahhnuld Dog and Sneezer. They end up at the Montana Max Business Looniversity. I don't want to ruin any of the goofy jokes in this segment so I'll just tell you that he ends up meeting Babs who is very lonely watching old Looney Tunes cartoons by herself wishing she had a partner who cared about her.  She freaks out at Buster and then he wishes that it was all back to normal. Blammo! Buster goes around wishing everyone a merry Christmas! He even wishes Steven Spielberg a Happy Hanukah! Also apparently Hamton is Jewish, I saw the menorah in his house and that made me lol because Jewish people usually don't eat pork.  He does not wish the Movie House a merry Christmas which is what every single parody of this movie should do.

Montana Max's Christmas Special is really bad. Full of ugh RICH PEOPLE JOKES. Plucky quits and then Elmyra comes out and says she doesn't want to play Leona Helmsley. I think that's a person we can all agree to forget about. Buster gets his job back and tells Montana Max that theres even a place in this special for him. He's the STAR! They do their finale which is another song. It involves this image which made me laugh. 

Montana Max turns out to be the Star on the Christmas Tree and Elmyra tries to kiss them. They all assure Buster that no toon that has friendsd is a failure as they fly off. Harvey takes off his mask to show that he';s Bugs Bunny. Is Bugs Bunny an angel? I am very serious about this question in a series known for just being goofy. I want a 32 page essay on why or why not on my desk by noon tomorrow! 

FINAL VERDICT: If you liked Tiny Toon Adventures as a kid I can say that it holds up pretty well. I had a fun time watching this special. I even watched it twice! Now that's praise! I didn't even watch Webster twice! Anyway. this was a fun way to end a series.

The Final Episode #97: Highway to Heaven (1984 - 1989)

 

We gotta get some things sorted out first. This was not the intended original #97. That would have been a Disney Afternoon cartoon named Bonkers. #98 would have been Super Friends. #99 would have been Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers and #100 would have been I Love Lucy.  This has changed for a few reasons. 1.) It's CHRISTMAS TIME BOYOS! and I want to talk about Christmas stuff. This even goes for The Final Episodes. Amazing huh. Five shows ended on a Christmas episode! I will tell you all of them now just to ruin portnoyd's fun! It starts with Highway to Heaven. Then we get Tiny Toons. Then Alvin and the Chipmunks. Then it's Care Bears and finally Heathcliff. What a weird set of television shows. I don't even remember a Tiny Toons Christmas special and I watched the bajeezus out of that show. I'm actually tempted to see if there are more Final Episodes but it was more fun to find out and go OH MAN I CANT WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS. These tv shows are like a gift to myself! I give myself lousy gifts.

So since I couldn't do the original list he picked the order for, I let him pick the order for these shows. He was very excited about Michael Landon and Highway to Heaven, the third pretty popular show of his. Michael Landon was a very beloved old timey actor who starred in several popular tv shows Bonanza, Little House on the Prairie, and Highway to Heaven. He was a TV staple for decades until he sadly passed away from cancer in 1991. I've only ever seen Michael Landon in one thing that I liked I Was A Teenage Werewolf but it was definitely one of my favorite 1950s b-movies. I highly recommend you watch it if you are into b-movies. If you masturbate to say Jean Luc Goddard movies you probably won't like it. 

Michael Landon was a good actor in that film. He gave a performance better than the film probably deserved, but I respect when people go "Yeah I'm gonna give this silly movie the best damn performance I can" because I dunno it feels like he respects the audience when he tries his best. I dunno. I never saw a single episode out of the four hundred and thirty one episodes of Bonanza. YTV would actually show reruns of that show one time. I would go "BLAH A WESTERN" and go to watch just about anything else. I've grown to like some western stuff but I still have no desire to watch Bonanza. I will admit that the fact he was in all but three of those episodes is a respectable feat. Good on you, Little Joe. I hated having to watch Little House on the Prairie so much as a child. It was like possibly the best punishment in the world would have me to watch that show. It was THE most boring thing to me as a child. The theme song was awesome tho. 

Now you are all probably wondering why I'm trashing his stuff. Well, I figure I should still be honest with this blog and all. It wouldn't be good to say nice things now and then yell at Little House on the Prairie (I hate this word. It is hard to spell.) when I do it's Final Episode.  I'm just writing all of this to show that I'm not really into the tv shows he was on for somehow decades of time. You know that member of the family that you can't really place where she is. He/She can't be your aunt because she's 20 years older than your grandpa but she's somehow alive. He/She's REALLY into Jesus and all that and isn't too fond of the television of today. and by today I mean of 1990. You still like them because she's still a good person but yeah. That's the kinda man/lady who enjoyed the other shows of Michael Landon. They are the kinda person who loved Highway to Heaven and thought television went downhill after 1989.  All this is to say that Michael Landon was a good man who made TV shows I didn't care about and until today I had never seen Highway to Heaven and it really didn't seem like a great tv show.

The weird thing was this was brought up in a discord chat with the NES FOOLS that I've been talking to for more than two decades now (This show is being brought back as a series of movies on Lifetime which is why it was being discussed). I know these people. So uh, portnoyd either wants me to feel pain or he really wants to talk about Highway to Heaven, so I expect the biggest and best comment on this blog either way. I don't do this for nothing! COUNT CHOCULA was also very excited. Anyway let's get into the Penultimate and Final Episode of this show. OK so this show is Quantum Leap Plus Jesus. Yeah I can get into that. I actually had a lot of fun watching the episode "It's A Dog's Life". That's the episode where Mark (Victor French) thinks that Johnathan the Angel had been turned into a Dog. It's a fun heart warming episode that does end on a weird note but hey I still enjoyed it. I'm actually excited to watch The Final Episode.

The Final Episode is called "Merry Christmas From Grandpa" and was written AND directed by Mr. Michael Landon himself! Now that's cool. I didn't know he directed most of the episodes of this show or even wrote anything. I'm finding out new stuff all the time! The Final Episode starts out with Johnathan the Angel talking on the TV to the President of the United States. I cannot imagine how this episode would have gone if Donald Trump was there. Oh boy that would be a treat, but no It's some another old white guy. He then appears in the room with him and tells him this is no joke. The theme song then plays. I like this theme song, it's appropriate for this show. It's very heavenly. I could see it being played in a church. We then see a Christmas set up and a kid named Samuel. I guess the cold open was something that happens later in the episode! I personally can't wait to see my favorite actor Mark Roberts play the President!

Samuel is being told he has to go by a chauffeur, seeing as his grandpa is waiting for him. Then Johnathan the Angel and Mark the Human come out and say that kid is apart of this weeks assignment. Mark talks about how they should help someone like say a homeless man and his dog. They deserve it more than that kid. Johnathan the Angel tells him that he's also apart of this assignment which pleases Mark. He then says that lady who gave him the money is a part of the assignment. This back and forth ends with Johnathan the Angel saying everyone in the world is a part of this assignment which has Victor French go "That means no Miracle on 34th Street tonight" I always forget that the 1990s movie was a remake. Anyway I really like the back and forth from Victor French and Michael Landon but it makes sense as they had known each other since the days of Bonanza!  

Samuel's grandpa is talking to his son and some guy named Bob about getting a Nuclear Power Planet in this area of the country so that they can make BIG BIG BUCKS! So Johnathan Smith and Mark Gordon show up at the doorstep and talk to Aggie the Maid, Johnathan helped her son, Peter. I don't know if this happened on the show or what but he tells her to expect a call this Christmas Eve. He then uses "The Stuff" also known as divine intervention to get them into Grandpa Joe's office. I don't know the characters actual name so I'm gonna call him that. They get into an argument over Nuclear Power and Three Mile Island and Chernobyl (remember these things happened pretty damn recently by 1989 standards). They leave but not before we get to see the call from Peter!

Johnny Angel and Marky leave and Mark asks him what was the Christmas Gift he gave him. It's apparently Grandpa Ron not Grandpa Joe! Anyway that Gift is a magical gift that gives Ron the power to see INTO the future where Johnathan and Mark are. Johnathan is like the same but Mark looks like he's 80. He talks about how he actually gets to live this long which is really sad when you realize that Victor French passed away in 1989, two months before getting to see the Final Episode of this show. That's some depressing shit. It shows Grandpa Ronjoe how awful it is when a Nuclear Power Planet has an accident and how it took his son from him and maybe even his Great Grandson. He ends up back at his home in 1989 talking to Samuel. 

Now Johnathan and Mark are in Farm Country! Mark talks about how it was great to grow up in this environment and Johnathan says it was. Ooo WHATS THAT MEAN?! Anyway we get to see a Farmer and his family. They are putting up their Christmas Tree on Christmas Eve. Who the hell does that? You put the tree up in like mid December! What weirdos. He then talks to this Christmas Eve Tree Putting Up WEIRDO about the chemicals he uses on his farm. They of course have another argument and he says if the Government will do something he will do something. Then says he's gonna call the police if they don't vamoose. Vamoose is a great word. They again go into the future but this future is like a fuckin post apocalyptic. Bonnie, the farmer's daughter (who is looking haggard and awful for what has to be early 30s) has no fresh water and has to get some from these guys wearing hazmat suits who want insane amounts of money for it. She gets a gun and tries to get some but this fails when ONE OF THEM SHOOTS HER AS SHES RUNNING AWAY. Damn Michael Landon you're making your point heard JESUS.

Now it's time for The President Of the United States. He's watching War of the Worlds the 1953 movie based on the H.G. Welles book.  This time he pretty much forces him to his chair when he has his speech about the destruction of earth. He even brings his point home by bringing in several children all dressed in white who disappear. he tells the President they were his Great grandchildren and great great grandchildren and great great great grandchildren. All who won't be born because of what we are doing to the earth. The President looks worried and doesn't know what he can do. I would have said "BITCH YOUR THE FUCKIN PRESIDENT YOU CAN DO SOMETHING" but Michael Landon was a classy man and he says that it's in the hands of everyone and he'll think of something he can try. The episode then ends with Michael Landon and Victor French wondering if they helped today or not. Michael Landon then says it's up to the people and let's go watch Miracle on 34th Street. 

 FINAL VERDICT: I really liked "It's A Dog's Life" that was a fun episode. "Merry Christmas From Grandpa" was also pretty good, I liked how it's kind of a take on  A Christmas Carol. It was funny without taking away from the serious stuff and it was something that should be discussed. I just felt it was a little preachy and he could have made the people he was talking to out to be less standoffish. I dunno. It's still a pretty good finale and I'm genuinely glad I actually watched this. The two stars have a real good connection to each other and as I said before it has a very Quantum Leap Plus Jesus thing going on and I love that show. What I'm saying is that I'm glad that I and my fictional family member now have something to talk about. Isn't that a great Christmas present?!?

Movie Mini Reviews #5: Fred Claus (2007) & Jingle All the Way 2 (2014)

 

No joke I looked up Sexy Popcorn on Google Image Search and that's what showed up and I knew I had to post it up. Also when you see popped corn you know what that means. It means I was too lazy to write a full review or the movie gave me very little to actually talk about. It's mostly the latter but sometimes it is the former, I will admit. Anyway since this is Christmas it's two Christmas movies. Neither very good but one a bit better than the other! So let's get to it!

Well let's start with the one I have some nice things to say about. The concept of Santa Claus having a dirtbag brother is actually a pretty interesting and fun one. However said brother is played by Vince Vaughn who I've heard is actually very good in some serious drama films but my god I do not get his comedies at all. I don't get it. He's very annoying and I am not a fan. I had to sit through Wedding Crashers (directed by the same guy who made this movie. Wow!) well I didn't have too I made myself do it because I hate myself. That movie is one of the least enjoyable comedy films ever made and I hate it. He seems to show up in so many comedies and I will never ever ever understand that. So that's a big problem about the movie. Another problem is the jokes aren't exactly amazing even if you got someone funny to play the role. One thing I did like is that Santa Claus just ends up talking to the bad guy (who you could have actually cut out of the movie entirely but that's another thing all together) and just this talk stops the bad guy. I just thought that was something neat to see. Not a wacky plan to get the bad guy in a gorilla suit where he will get raped by a lady gorilla. Or a pie to the face. Or dying. Or anything. It's just a nice little chat. I mean the two actors were Paul Giamatti (always lovely to see) and Kevin Spacey. Two very good actors who improve everything they are in. The only other movies I can think of where the protagonist and antagonist actually talk it out are Bad Moms and some stupid Kevin Hart movie whos title I can't remember and don't care enough to look up. Anyway I would still rate this movie as poor but it certainly is still leaps and bounds above Jingle All the Way 2.

I want to know why they thought a sequel of Jingle All the Way made EIGHT TEEN YEARS LATER was something anyone wanted.  I figure some people wanted a sequel to Jingle All the Way maybe in like 1998, but 2014? Hell to the fuck no. Not a single human being wanted a sequel to Jingle All the Way starring Larry the Fucking SHIT FUCK ASSHOLE Cable FUCKER. You know why people like the first movie. It's because of Arnie. And Sinbad. And Phil Hartman. Well the fact that it's an actually goofy and likable movie helps too. This is just reindeer droppings. So this movie has Larry the Cable Guy being a divorced dad to a little girl. Her other dad is a rich man. Larry feels he can't compete. Larry reads her Christmas letter and thinks she wants the fanciest new bear in town, Harrison the Talking Bear. So the other dad, Victor comes in and just buys every one of them in town. So Larry has to do some bland cheap (really they didnt put a lot of money into this) goofy shit to get the doll. Arnie dressed up as Turbo Man and flew around! Put some damn effort into this movie. It also turns out that she didn't even want the bear, she just wanted her family to be as one. AWWW HOW SWEET. Thanks for making me watch this fucking rubbish you damn jerk child. This movie is somehow really obnoxious (thanks to Larry the Cable Guy) and really boring. You can tell all the dumb shit he's gonna do so easily and none of it is as fun as it when Sinbad and Arnie did it. Oh another thing is that Victor gets a random guy who works for him to buy all the bears and Larry never meets him. I don't know about you but watching TWO TITANS OF THE NINTIES, Sinbad and Arnie fight between each other was what made Jingle All the Way. This movie doesn't do jack shit right. Fuck it right in it's earhole. 

That's It. I'll find some more movies I can talk about more fully but well enjoy this for now.

Movie Review #68: Pups Alone (2021)

 

You know Home Alone made a damn mini genre within the whole comedy genre. Seriously that movie had a lot of rip offs or Home Alone-esque stuff would happen in an unrelated movie, like say 101 Dalmatians remake with Glenn Close literally has scenes where the dogs do hilarious hijinx to stop her and her henchmen. Seriously though, Baby's Day Out, Remote, 3 Ninjas, I'm sure a lot more. I'm sure Blank Check ended up with the bad guys getting their faces wrecked by traps or some shit. I'm sure it also happened in Richie Rich which friggin had Maclulcy Culkin in it. No I'm not going to try to spell his name correctly. Get a name that's not weird.

What's even more amazing that there is a mini genre within this mini genre. You know how I mentioned the 101 Dalmatians remake with Glenn Close (written by oddly enough John Hughes. It's also probably the best live action Disney remake.) yeah that wasn't the only movie where dogs use traps. No sir. They had a trilogy of films called Little Heroes created by the fine people at PM Entertainment (If you rented any low budget action movie from 1988 to 2000 you probably rented a PM Entertainment movie). Then like Step Dogs, Bone Alone, and our film of choice for today, Pups Alone. The newest in this mini genre of film.

Alrighty, so I mentioned how 101 Dalmatians was probably the best of the lot. It's not really because of the plot. It's because of Glenn Close as Cruella DeVille. That is one hell of a performance. She is literally having the time of her life doing that role. Still it made the movie. Little Heroes was a bad movie but it was fun bad movie that was kinda weird. I should talk about it sometime. I haven't seen Step Dogs or Bone Alone. I do now that the worst film within this mini-mini genre is 2021's Pups Alone. 

One big problem is that this movie has a big overstuffed plot. A man who is an inventor of pet tech loses his wife which causes his father or her father (movie never really tells us) to stop talking to him after several arguments.  His daughter wants him to pay more attention to him and she tries to get him set up with a new co-worker. He has this really great prototype for a device that can make dogs talk. You know like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer's half brother Herb comes back and creates a baby talking machine. Except with dogs. Anyway Dolph Lundgren (yes he is in this) wants this prototype because he is sick of being left behind at the company. He hires the usual two group of goofballs to steal it. You seriously do not need all of this for your low budget shitball ripoff of Home Alone. 

Anyway the other problem is that the majority of this movie is really boring. I don't care about the half assesd story you created. We want dogs doing silly shit and traps. We also want a movie that is not one hour and forty fucking six minutes long. Watch as I find out that Home Alone was longer. All I know is this movie felt like it was eighty six years long. I am now in the future. It still sucks. The burglars are probably the worst you'll ever see in any one of these movies. Actually all of the human acting is really bad. The voice acting (which is done by most of the name actors is pretty decent.). The trap scenes are pretty well done and the traps which are just shitty inventions from the guy are well done. Dolph Lundgren is having fun being a goofy bad guy and it's the best reason to watch this movie. 

FINAL VERDICT: I was bored mostly throughout this movie. Dolph Lundgren would bring a smile to my face during the film. Oh they completely waste Keith David on some crummy "OH YOU SHOULD LOVE YOUR FAMILY" crap is really sad. This is still a better movie than Home Sweet Home Alone. I'll give it that much.