No joke I looked up Sexy Popcorn on Google Image Search and that's what showed up and I knew I had to post it up. Also when you see popped corn you know what that means. It means I was too lazy to write a full review or the movie gave me very little to actually talk about. It's mostly the latter but sometimes it is the former, I will admit. Anyway since this is Christmas it's two Christmas movies. Neither very good but one a bit better than the other! So let's get to it!
Well let's start with the one I have some nice things to say about. The concept of Santa Claus having a dirtbag brother is actually a pretty interesting and fun one. However said brother is played by Vince Vaughn who I've heard is actually very good in some serious drama films but my god I do not get his comedies at all. I don't get it. He's very annoying and I am not a fan. I had to sit through Wedding Crashers (directed by the same guy who made this movie. Wow!) well I didn't have too I made myself do it because I hate myself. That movie is one of the least enjoyable comedy films ever made and I hate it. He seems to show up in so many comedies and I will never ever ever understand that. So that's a big problem about the movie. Another problem is the jokes aren't exactly amazing even if you got someone funny to play the role. One thing I did like is that Santa Claus just ends up talking to the bad guy (who you could have actually cut out of the movie entirely but that's another thing all together) and just this talk stops the bad guy. I just thought that was something neat to see. Not a wacky plan to get the bad guy in a gorilla suit where he will get raped by a lady gorilla. Or a pie to the face. Or dying. Or anything. It's just a nice little chat. I mean the two actors were Paul Giamatti (always lovely to see) and Kevin Spacey. Two very good actors who improve everything they are in. The only other movies I can think of where the protagonist and antagonist actually talk it out are Bad Moms and some stupid Kevin Hart movie whos title I can't remember and don't care enough to look up. Anyway I would still rate this movie as poor but it certainly is still leaps and bounds above Jingle All the Way 2.
I want to know why they thought a sequel of Jingle All the Way made EIGHT TEEN YEARS LATER was something anyone wanted. I figure some people wanted a sequel to Jingle All the Way maybe in like 1998, but 2014? Hell to the fuck no. Not a single human being wanted a sequel to Jingle All the Way starring Larry the Fucking SHIT FUCK ASSHOLE Cable FUCKER. You know why people like the first movie. It's because of Arnie. And Sinbad. And Phil Hartman. Well the fact that it's an actually goofy and likable movie helps too. This is just reindeer droppings. So this movie has Larry the Cable Guy being a divorced dad to a little girl. Her other dad is a rich man. Larry feels he can't compete. Larry reads her Christmas letter and thinks she wants the fanciest new bear in town, Harrison the Talking Bear. So the other dad, Victor comes in and just buys every one of them in town. So Larry has to do some bland cheap (really they didnt put a lot of money into this) goofy shit to get the doll. Arnie dressed up as Turbo Man and flew around! Put some damn effort into this movie. It also turns out that she didn't even want the bear, she just wanted her family to be as one. AWWW HOW SWEET. Thanks for making me watch this fucking rubbish you damn jerk child. This movie is somehow really obnoxious (thanks to Larry the Cable Guy) and really boring. You can tell all the dumb shit he's gonna do so easily and none of it is as fun as it when Sinbad and Arnie did it. Oh another thing is that Victor gets a random guy who works for him to buy all the bears and Larry never meets him. I don't know about you but watching TWO TITANS OF THE NINTIES, Sinbad and Arnie fight between each other was what made Jingle All the Way. This movie doesn't do jack shit right. Fuck it right in it's earhole.
That's It. I'll find some more movies I can talk about more fully but well enjoy this for now.
Port's Wise Blog That Is Wise Even Though It's In Claws Dumb Blog Comment Section Presents:
ReplyDeleteThe Adult Swim Reject Pile #1
In this column, I'll review two short lived Adult Swim shows. What they're about, review and if the axe was justified. Let's gooooo
Fat Guy Stuck in Internet: The show is literally what it says it is, Gemberling gets sucked into and stuck in the Internet and he's fat. What's good is the show aired in Web 1.0 so the internet on the show is a parody of that internet as opposed to the shit we have now. And the title. That's great. What's bad is everything else. It's just too goofy and lazy. Nothing clever here. It is Adult Swim good so it fits but not even remotely classic like Sealab. Definitely should have been canceled.
Apollo Gauntlet: A cop gets sucked into a fantasy world and finds said gauntlets and proceeds to help the villagers in said world. He finds the gauntlets whose primarily function is to talk to Apollo like when you make a little mouth on the side of your hand. That's kinda funny. However, the show really isn't. Apollo walks around like a talkie version of a shitty version of a shitty character from a shitty noname PC graphic adventure. The gauntlets don't even talk much! What a waste! When they talk, it's less jokes and most real plot direction. The theme song is the same way but I didn't mind listening to it by the time I hit episode 6, the last episode (6 of 6!). The episodes are extremely average. A tiny bit of guffaws but that's it. Another very average show. I'd say give it a another chance for season 2 (another 6 episodes) and see if it can hit its stride.
Next time, we'll get absurd and then dark. You'll see soon!!!
I don't like this bit you asshole.
ReplyDeleteyou got guest writers, that will drive the viewership up
ReplyDeleteI don't want guest writers.
ReplyDeletetough shit you got em
ReplyDeleteThanks for your interest in my column! I missed a lot of adult swim shows over the years so I want to go back and watch them, good or bad.
ReplyDeleteI do take offense to be called a guest writer on my own blog! The internet is a shared space for all kinds of content. Like favorite subscribe.
FUCK OFF.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the share! If you want to join my Patreon, it'll be available as soon as the blog writer makes one, so I can "share" his donations.
ReplyDeleteEat shit.
ReplyDelete