Movie Review #67: A Christmas Story 2 (2012)

 

Alrighty, you know the deal! It's time for the Christmas Spectacular! I plan to discuss the worst Christmas movies and specials that I can find for us. I will also talk about several Final Episodes. I decided to do this because there have been several really shitty Christmas movies that I've been curious about. I mean shitty in as they look bad they could be good. You can easily tell that this movie won't be. This movie was made by Warner Premiere. They are the company within a company that puts out the DC Animated movies and sequels or spinoffs to every Warner movie you could see even possibly having a sequel. The Get Smart Movie with Steve Carrell got a spinoff from these guys called Lloyd and Joe or some shit. I'm too busy to look it up. Yes I have a copy. Yes I'm sure I will talk about it. They also did  Free Willy sequels a decade after anyone cared about Free FUCKING Willy. So yeah they might have been seen as a good company because the majority of those DC Animated films are good stuff but I can't call any company that brings us A Christmas Story 2 good. You lose the second you put something like that out.

I'll make this a list of things that were just not done well in this motion picture:

1.) The Narrator. Literally a dude trying to pretend to be the Narrator from the original movie and he just doesn't completely sound right. He's almost there yet not. It's actually more off putting to me that he's so close but just doesn't make it. I don't know why either.

2.) This movie brings back everything from the original. You remember a single thing from the first movie you get to see it again here. I know sequels bring back stuff from the original but most of them will add new things AND up the ante with the old stuff. That's not the case here. Enjoy the same thing you got done better decades prior and shut your damn mouth. It also just forces shit into this movie. Remember when the kid would put his lips on the pole in the original movie well he does it again except its one of those pipe things that bring things to other places quickly. You've seen them in cartoons from the 1940s. Yeah he puts his tongue in there and they have to pull it off. No reason why they were just like IT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST MOVIE SO LETS DO IT AGAIN

3.) The characters just don't feel like the characters from the original movies. They feel like weird parodies of them. It just feels like they were going for a weird parody of the original movie but didn't go all the way. I don't know how to put it.

4.) They half ass trying to make it look like its 194whatever. Yeah they get the cars and looks down but I'm sure that they even use new fancy cameras that just don't capture that vibe of 1940s. It's just not good.

5.) Ralphie is a weird pervert. He has this thing for a girl named Drucilla and uh in one scene he sniffs her hair and freaks out over it. That's just not something I want connected to A Christmas Story. It's just weird and off putting and not funny.

6.) Which brings me to this point. This movie is not funny. No the original wasn't a knee slapping laugh riot but it was a funny movie. Kind of a low key kind of funny. Like you'd go awww and have a laugh at a scene. You wouldn't piss yourself laughing but you'd have a good time. This movie just doesn't even try.

7.) The imagination scenes feel so out of place now that Ralphie is a teen. Yeah a kid has a wild imagination and will think he's doing all kinds of things at all kinds of time. Most people try to curb that a little as they grow up so they won't be stuck thinking about how they will kill a nazi but they are in real life standing up and starting to drool. It just doesn't feel right, but nothing about this movie does. It's a mess.

8.) Daniel Stern as the father. It hurts me to put Danny on this list as a reason why this movie doesn't work but it's true. He's not good in the slightest. He plays the character as a parody. It doesn't help that Darren McGavin might have done the best job ever as a stern yet loving father. Another problem is that they take one character trait from the original movie, the dad's cheapness and they ramp it up to like 12 thousand. The character was never as ridiculous as this sequel portrays him.

9.) Drucilla actually falls for this dopey ass version of Ralphie. Yeah. She sees him stand up to a guy in a reindeer outfit and get punched in the gut and that impresses her so much she decides to find out who he is (SHE DIDNT EVEN KNOW THAT) and let this weirdo obsessive version of Ralphie get to date her. It's possibly the worst romance in film history. 

There are more reasons, but honestly I don't want to talk about this wet piece of shit anymore.

FINAL VERDICT: If you watch this garbage I will punch you.