When you see a random picture of Popcorn on this blog you know it's one thing! It's time for Mini-Movie reviews! The favorite of everyone in the land! Mine too! I can easily shit out two mini reviews and not have to worry about figuring out how to turn something into a full article. Some movies just don't have that in them yet you still really want to talk about them. I guess, I dunno. Since this is the Christmas Holiday Fun Time For Everyone Spectacular I felt it time to talk about Christmas movies that are either not talked about a lot or are very bad. Or ones that I assumed would be bad.
Alright we start off with the man every teenaged girl loved in the 1990s. Johnathan Taylor Thomas! I have no real opinions on Johnathan Taylor Thomas and the only thing I remember is that some kid in my class called him Johnathan GAYlor Thomas. You see Tay Rhymes with Gay and it was a real hoot and a half! Anyway I had heard this movie was awful, really unbearable. Like one of the worst Christmas movies ever and I kinda honestly enjoyed it. I like the characters that he meets on the road and I felt that he honestly kinda became a better person between the beginning and end of this movie. It could be that I'm a sucker for Road Trip movies and also a sucker for MICROWAVE MARGE and CHARLIE from Caroline in the City! Those two were great and improved every movie they were in. Even if it was for a few scenes. Also Microwave Marge was a lesbian and therefore the greatest lesbian who ever lived. Sorry but I don't make the rules. I don't have much else to say about this except that I was pleasantly surprised by this.
This movie however, was just as shitty and awful and bad as everyone had said. Ben Affleck can be a great actor in movies but he just does not work in comedy. He does not have that comedic touch. Christina Applegate can be a hoot but she's just the love interest here (and it's one of the many many many romances in film that just don't work) Catherine O'Hara, James Gandalfini, Udo Kier and Stephen Root are all wasted. All of them can be great and they just get these poor thankless roles. Also all of the jokes are either bad or were funny the first time someone did them in 1983 and kinda got ruined by being used 3,000 times. It's a really dumb plot too. A shithead millionaire buys his way into a family for Christmas and dumb shit happens. It turns out he never really got to have a family because his father left him and his mother had to work all the time and we are supposed to care but this guy was such an obnoxious asshole no one cares. This feels like a black comedy film that was watered down (proof is there's a joke about an old lady shoving her head in the oven to kill herself) and yeah I can see that. It could have actually been funny if they let it be full on gallows humor but this halfassed shit can kiss my dickhole.
And that's two more mini movie reviews for you all to enjoy! I love you all and I will show you all so much awful Christmas shit you'll puke!
your title says "I'll Be Home For The Holidays" but it's really "I'll Be Home For Christmas"
ReplyDeletesome mini reviews this shit is, throw that popcorn on the fucking ground
I edited it THANK YOU FOR BEING HELPFUL JOUST.
ReplyDeleteJTT was the new hotness in the 90s. I think it's because people could call him JTT. Like, literally the only reason. Speaking of the Home Improvement boys, I'm pretty sure all three turned into really goofy looking men. Chef kiss. Also this movie is terrible and you're terrible for liking it.
ReplyDeleteAffleck. You could have just said that and saved yourself 200 words. When he's good, he's ok. When he's bad, he's unwatchable. Case in point, I recently watched a little ditty called Sum of All Fears (INCOMING CLAW BLOG MINI REVIEW TAKEOVER I'M THE CAPTAIN NOW). It's a Jack Ryan Tom Clancy joint about US and Russian tensions, a terrorist nuclear vending machine and being pushed to nuclear war. It's riveting in the same way as Squid Game because you know the bomb is going to go off and you're waiting for the carnage. It's an enjoyable movie with James Cromwell as Prez, Morgan Freeman, Ciarin Hines and the entire presidential cabinet made up of some of the best that guys in the biz like Ron Rifkin, Phillip Baker Hall and the studly BRUCE MCGILL. Anyway to the Affleck point, he's fucking obnoxious in the beginning, with Afflecky pillow talk with the random girlfriend assigned to this movie and Affleck whining early on, which gives way to ok Affleck which moves the plot along. Have you seen Armageddon? This is like 40% Affleck in terms of Armageddon.
FUCK YOU YOU ARENT THE CAPTIAN. FUCK YOUR REVIEW.
ReplyDeleteMy review is good and fun and best. I'm going to delete my blog and relocate here. FIRST NEW POST!
ReplyDeletePort's Correct Reviews About MCU TV Shows
Wandavision: Starts out creepy and Lost-like and once that fades away, you're left with not a whole lot. The side characters become the best part.
Falcon and the Winter Soldier: Entertaining at times, boring at times. The racism stuff was unnecessary. NO I'M NOT WOKE. The Bucky stuff was amusing but underutilized.
Loki: Lots of potential, boring as fuck and I can't tell if the internet attached dumb woke shit or the writers did. Hiddleston and Enchantress are the saving grace. Kang 90210 at the end was a massive letdown. Mr Wow was a colossal casting mistake.
What If: Such a letdown. Jeffrey Wright was fucking awful as Watcher. The problems are two fold: 1, this is for mainstream so they can't really get fun with it and do Evolutionary War or even total shit like 3D Man. 2- the MCU is too restrictive. Needs heaps of lore to make a good what if and MCU no gots.
Hawkeye: Haven't watched, in no rush to watch. Hailee Steinenfeld has grown up, holy shit. I remember her from True Grit.
Overall, these shows are a waste of time. Like Favorite Subscribe.
Hawkeye is actually pretty fun. I don't care about the others. STOP GIVING A SHIT IF YOUR WOKE OR NOT. SECONDLY STOP REVIEWING STUFF YOU TURD.
ReplyDelete