Now This is somethnig I can sink my teeth into and not do a mini-review of. I guess Mini-Reviews are now out of the question because joust and portnoyd don't like them and want to fill them up with FILTH FLARN FILTH. Anyway this movie gives me a lot to talk about. It's the first Asylum film I've talked about on this blog! The Asylum for those who don't know is a mockbuster company. Any time a big name movie comes out they have a shitty film to go along with it. Like Snakes on a Train. sometimes their movies can be a lot of fun like Sharknado and sometimes you get a sluggish piece of shit. Where does Bone Alone fall in? Uh, It's probably #3 on the rankings of all the Christmas movies I've watched thus far.
What is the plot of Bone Alone? Well It's the same damn plot as every other Home Alone ripoff except this time a dog is left home. A family is going away for Christmas and one of their dogs is blamed for something the other dog did and gets in trouble and has to stay at a kennel for the holidays. The dog who actually caused the problems came with them because these people are really stupid. One of them is played by one of the sons of Dom Deluise! Now that's cool! Sadly he's not a very good actor. Anyway the dog going on the trip with them ends up finding out that their house is getting robbed via the internet. Yeah the kennel has internet connection and you can watch your dogs. He gets a ride with a couple and one of them looks like Santa. Spoiler alert it turns out those are the grandparents! WOAH! Guys come along and try to rob them. No joke at one point I thought two of the robbers were kids because of the way they were sitting. Yeah I'm weird.
So uh, no time but the present to talk about what somehow becomes the best part of the movie. Kevin Sorbo. No I am not joking. He plays a dog catcher guy who kidnaps dogs and gets them back for people. He plays this character like Quint from Jaws. There are Jaws spoof scenes in this Home Alone ripoff movie. I never thought I'd say that Kevin Sorbo was the best part of anything but weirder things have happened. He does though so that's gotta be said. For some reason he decided yes that It's time for me to actually act in a motion picture. It only took him several decades. (Yes I will talk about Hercules the Legendary Journeys very soon.)
This movie was pretty dull and uneventful. A guy gets stuck in a chimney and a laundry shoot during the movie and it's still not a lot of fun to watch. I was sad to see Kevin Sorbo go. SAD. Do you think anyone has ever said that? NO! THEY HAVENT. Still Kevin Sorbo's scenes somehow makes this a better movie than Surviving Christmas or Jingle All the Way 2. Oh the same guy who gets stuck in a laundry shoot literally gets his face set on fire on a BBQ. The dog put it under the laundry shoot after another guy got soap to help him get out. That might be the wildest stunt I've seen in a Home Alone ripoff so this movies got that going for it.
FINAL VERDICT: A very mediocre film with some fun scenes from the most unlikely source. I cannot believe I have one more of these Home Alone But With Dogs movie. Anyway while reading up on the Asylum I found out that they made a movie called Aquarium of the Dead. Truly that's the greatest Christmas gift I can recieve!
this looks like a mini review to me
ReplyDeleteIt fucking isn't.
ReplyDeleteI never said I didn't like mini reviews, that's joust.
ReplyDeleteI think I will have Bratwurst copy this cover by putting horse hooves in front of a picture of your face in the same way that they did for the poor dog on this cover. Bone Alone 2: Lost in Neigh York.
Lol what faded action star is headed for a Christmas dog movie next? JCVD? Chuck Norris? Vin Diesel? John Cena?
Definitely John Cena.
John Cena is still getting Hollywood work dude. he was in F9.
ReplyDeleteSame with Vin Diesel. I forget whos in the other Dog Alone movie.
You spewed your stupid GARBAGE REVIEWS in my comment section of my mini reviews you turd sniffer.
You watched F9? You really will watch anything trolololo
ReplyDeleteNo. I haven't watched that one yet. I have seen most of those movies. They are wonderfully over the top.
DeleteThey apparently fly into space within a car in F9. How can I NOT watch that?
Port's Absolutely Incredible Blog That Makes Claws Dumb Blog Better Presents:
ReplyDeletePort's Lost Explanation!
I love the series Lost. It was the first show to really have an extensive mythology on broadcast TV. (No claw, Doug raping Patti is not mythology, honk honk) However the writers half assed the explanations, probably so people like me can postulates endlessly about it. So here goes.
There's two sides to the story. The people and place. The people are extremely straightforward - they are LOST - flawed dogs and they are FOUND over the course of the show. That's it. They are redeemed and brought together after they die in season six in the flash sideways world that, quite like all the people, is completely unrelated to the place side of the story.
The place, the island, is simply the closest physical location to the flow of time, which in Lost terms, is extreme electromagnetics. The island is tainted because of that proximity but if it's not messed with, it operates without incident. However, starting with the pregnant Claudia's arrival, that changes. It isn't resolved until Desmond and Jack reset the Sumarian cork that's on the exposed electromagnetic source (which was disrupted by the man in blacks exposure to it and his death corrected) and the exposure covered by the Swan was closed (exposed by Dharma, fully repaired by Desmond turning the key*). The island is weird because of that closeness to electromagnetics and everything weird about it is related to it. The difficulty in child birth, healing properties, the ability to move in time and space and so on. The Sumerians found the one natural exposure and balanced it which probably allowed civilization to grow (being as the Sumerians are one of, or the first society we know of). Prior to that, the exposure probably kept the world in chaos (alluded to when Desmond removes the cork). The island protector speaks to how critical the balance they made is to humanity. Further theory, I would say they sacrificed much to get that cork on there in a way that created order out of chaos. That's really it.
*Regarding the incident, when Juliet detonated Jughead, it neutralized the exposure long enough for Dharma to devise a system to keep it at bay, hence the Swan computer. My suspicion is the Swan system was a nuclear reactor that released fission energy into the exposure, neutralizing it. The amount of energy only kept it at bay for a maximum of 108 minutes. This was because they didn't want to use more energy on it. Last time they did, people literally vanished into thin air. However, they built a full on nuke on the exposure as a fail safe. The Swan system fails, might as well ball out as Joust would say. What they didn't know is that the fail safe would close the exposure which is what happened when Desmond turned the key.
Doug did not rape patty you dickhead.
ReplyDeleteFuck Lost. get that shit off my blog. dirthuffer.
it's on the blog, it is canon
ReplyDeleteSee? It's official, the CLAWX blog is a Lost fan site now.
ReplyDeleteNo it isn't. This is not a lost fan site and Doug is not a rapist!
ReplyDeleteLove you clawzy XOXOXOXOX
ReplyDeleteShut up, jerk.
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