Movie Review #69: Bone Alone / Alone For Christmas (2013)

 

Now This is somethnig I can sink my teeth into and not do a mini-review of. I guess Mini-Reviews are now out of the question because joust and portnoyd don't like them and want to fill them up with FILTH FLARN FILTH. Anyway this movie gives me a lot to talk about. It's the first Asylum film I've talked about on this blog! The Asylum for those who don't know is a mockbuster company. Any time a big name movie comes out they have a shitty film to go along with it. Like Snakes on a Train. sometimes their movies can be a lot of fun like Sharknado and sometimes you get a sluggish piece of shit. Where does Bone Alone fall in? Uh, It's probably #3 on the rankings of all the Christmas movies I've watched thus far.

What is the plot of Bone Alone? Well It's the same damn plot as every other Home Alone ripoff except this time a dog is left home. A family is going away for Christmas and one of their dogs is blamed for something the other dog did and gets in trouble and has to stay at a kennel for the holidays. The dog who actually caused the problems came with them because these people are really stupid. One of them is played by one of the sons of Dom Deluise! Now that's cool! Sadly he's not a very good actor. Anyway the dog going on the trip with them ends up finding out that their house is getting robbed via the internet. Yeah the kennel has internet connection and you can watch your dogs. He gets a ride with a couple and one of them looks like Santa. Spoiler alert it turns out those are the grandparents! WOAH! Guys come along and try to rob them. No joke at one point I thought two of the robbers were kids because of the way they were sitting. Yeah I'm weird.

So uh, no time but the present to talk about what somehow becomes the best part of the movie. Kevin Sorbo. No I am not joking. He plays a dog catcher guy who kidnaps dogs and gets them back for people. He plays this character like Quint from Jaws. There are Jaws spoof scenes in this Home Alone ripoff movie. I never thought I'd say that Kevin Sorbo was the best part of anything but weirder things have happened. He does though so that's gotta be said. For some reason he decided yes that It's time for me to actually act in a motion picture. It only took him several decades. (Yes I will talk about Hercules the Legendary Journeys very soon.) 

This movie was pretty dull and uneventful. A guy gets stuck in a chimney and a laundry shoot during the movie and it's still not a lot of fun to watch. I was sad to see Kevin Sorbo go. SAD. Do you think anyone has ever said that? NO! THEY HAVENT. Still Kevin Sorbo's scenes somehow makes this a better movie than Surviving Christmas or Jingle All the Way 2. Oh the same guy who gets stuck in a laundry shoot literally gets his face set on fire on a BBQ. The dog put it under the laundry shoot after another guy got soap to help him get out. That might be the wildest stunt I've seen in a Home Alone ripoff so this movies got that going for it.

FINAL VERDICT: A very mediocre film with some fun scenes from the most unlikely source. I cannot believe I have one more of these Home Alone But With Dogs movie. Anyway while reading up on the Asylum I found out that they made a movie called Aquarium of the Dead. Truly that's the greatest Christmas gift I can recieve!