Movie Review #3: 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity With The Devil Inside the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (2013)

 I don't know why I watched this. I think I was in the mood to be very annoyed and such. So to annoy myself I decided to watch a post the year 2000 film spoof. A very low budget post year 2000 film spoof. Spoof or parody movies were pretty great for like decades until it seems everyone who made them just stopped making them and were replaced by people who are really bad at their job. which is to entertain and make people laugh. 

30 Nights of Paranormal Activity With the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is directed by Craig Moss, the man who's directed Bad Ass, Bad Asses, Bad Asses in the Bayou and The 41 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It. This is probably the laziest spoof I've seen and I've seen Avengers of Justice: Farce Wars. As stupid and terrible as that movie was at LEAST it had a plot. This movie is like that one except in Avengers of Justice: Farce Wars it seemed they cared enough to make the jokes a part of the plot. Not good jokes mind you but still jokes.

This movie has all the problems of every modern spoof movie. 1.) The jokes go on far too long. 2.) the jokes are poorly VERY poorly acted. 3.) the jokes are poorly set up 4.) they shove things into what SHOULD be a horror movie spoof of Paranormal things that dont fit in just becuase they came out around hte same time... like Bane from The Dark Knight Rises or Abraham Lincoln from Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. They just chuck that shit right in there for all to not enjoy. Seriously the gay "manny" they have in the movie just randomly dresses up as the Black Swan because that was a movie that came out in like 2012. It's all very very lazy. 

FINAL VERDICT: This movie is about as funny as the 32,000th LOL CLAW DOESNT LIKE CASPER THATS HILARIOUS FOR SOME REASON joke that the people in the discord like to make. The jerks.

The Final Episode #11: Herman's Head (1991 - 1994)

 

Oh hey, is this the first time I've ended up talking about a gimmick sitcom? I think it could be. A gimmick sitcom is a sitcom that well uh has a gimmick. Like the cast are wacky hillbillies (The Beverly Hillbillies), or a spy (Get Smart), or are prisoners in a WWII POW camp (Hogan's Heroes). The gimmick of Herman's Head was uh... the movie Inside Out like 25 prior. Herman Brooks (William Ragsdale of Fright Night fame) has four sides of his personality living in his head. a nerdy side, his horny fat man side, a lady, and a real smart pompous asshole guy. These sides I'm assume caused him all kinds of grief and hilarious antics. 

My family and I did not get the Fox channel until like 1998 or so. So I never did see Herman's Head before. It wasn't as popular as The Simpsons or Married With Children which channels around here got as soon as they could get them. I never even heard of it until I was on the Jump the Shark website in the early 2000s. (Jump the Shark was a site where people could complain about just about any television show had jumped the shark. It was actually a fun website) I thought the show sounded fun but it wasn't until now that I was able to find the 72 episodes that ran during the shows three seasons between September 8th, 1991 to April 21st, 1994. 

The Final Episode was named First Impressions and appeared on April 21st, 1994. This episode has Herman Brooks get hit by a taxi cab and his friends and boss talk about the first time they met Herman (and all four of his personality take the place of Herman within the memory, like his boss saw him as a real smart pompous guy so the really smart pompous guy takes Herman's place in the memory) while Herman's life force in his body has to keep his personality from joining the Grim Reaper who apparently goes inside your mind? 

Oh I also have to mention the fact that this show stars Hank Azaria from the Simpsons and the Smurfs. I also have to say it stars scary troll woman Yeardly Smith (what kinda fuckin name is Yeardly anyway?). And since I mentioned the Simpsons I have to like everyone else on the internet is contractually obligated to say that man new episodes of that show suck shit out of a dick.

FINAL VERDICT: I don't know if this is the best episode to see as the first episode of a show. Like I get the feeling that the gimmicks caused wild stuff to happen. It's also weird that the main character is comatose for most of the episode. The episode was still somewhat amusing but I don't think it used the full potential of this goofy set up very well. I also have to say that the downloads I have are from VHS rips. I never thought I'd miss VHS fucking up but seeing them during this was a weird fuzzy feeling. I liked that fuzzy feeling.

Movie Review #2: Assault on Death Mountain (Shadow Warriors II) (1999)

 

Shannon Tweed is the most famous human being from Newfoundland. Second is probably Gordon Pinsent. Shannon Tweed is famous for starring in B-movies like this one and showing her boobies. Gordon Pinsent is famous for voicing Babar the Elephant. That's enough to get me to like you and watch your movies. Other people might be picky but I ain't. Anyway,  From now on, movie reviews will be of two things... a movie starring Shannon Tweed or a movie from this list on letterboxd so get ready for a lot of reviews of erotic thrillers and weird movies no one should ever watch.

Anyway, I decided to start with a movie that stars Shannon Tweed but ISN'T an erotic thriller because I wanted to annoy FlowingMindspin because I'm a jerk. The movie of course is Assault on Death Mountain . The Second of uh.. two Shadow Warriors movies (Why the second movie you ask, It's because it was mislabeled by whoever uploaded the download I MEAN TOTALLY LEGAL MOVIE THAT I OWN A COPY OF REALLY as the first movie) This movie was a Made for TV action film that is honestly pretty fun. As you can see the movie also stars Apollo Creed and Terry Bollea (he's not on the cover but Martin Kove is also in the movie!) 

This movie is a bit lopsided to be fair. The first thirty minutes have the Shadow Warriors save a child who was kidnapped by her father, and he lives on a mountain. So I guess that's the Death Mountain they are Assaulting in the movie's alternative title (which is much better than Shadow Warriors). They of course save the kid but then Hulk Hogan freaks out because of memories that have hit him. He assures the other Shadow Warriors that a man called Sarkissian who helped Saddam Hussien do terrible shit in the Gulf War is still alive and has had plastic surgery. Hogan goes off to try to find a guy who's working with Sarkissian and the other Shadow Warriors go to find Martin Kove's character Andy Jones who works for the government. Hogan gets captured by the Terrorist and finds out that yes, Sarkissian is still alive and he poisons him. Hogan has to get the antidote and get his revenge on Sarkissian for the death of his men in the Gulf War.

It's a bit lopsided but I'm not some fancy reviewer, I just wanted a movie that had some fun actors in it and some action. It's got fists fights, shoot outs and even a cat fight with Shannon Tweed! It's pretty much what you want from a low budgeted late 90s action film. I mean I wish Sarkissian was played by a more enjoyable to watch actor but I guess that's the only thing I really dislike about this movie. Dude is kinda boring.

FINAL VERDICT: This is a fun watch if you like any of the actors I mentioned. It might not be as great if you don't like any of them, but if you don't like Apollo Creed you can literally kiss both sides of my butthole.

The Final Episode #10: Garfield and Friends (1988 - 1994)

 

I fucking flip flap loved Garfield as a kid. It was one of the things I loved the fucking MOST. The saucy fat cat and his poor sap owner Jon Arbuckle was some high quality entertainment for me as a youngster. I would go to bookstores all over the small island I lived on. Used bookstores, new bookstores just to get Garfield books (alongside this were Heathcliff, Dennis the Menace, Foxtrot, Bloom County, B.C., The Wizard of Id, Calvin and Hobbes, Peanuts, and because I didn't want to leave the store without something sometimes even the Family Circus. I think my greatest shame was owning Family Circus books.) I even remember the time I pretended to sing up in front of a large audience some dumb ass Newfoundland songs that sucked shit (seriously nothing is worse than Newfoundland music) and just pretending got me a Garfield book, I think they just didn't want me to skip off the entire day of school. I don't even know how I got up there to sing because my music teacher literally said I couldn't sing. Fuck her right in her nose. I should have stayed home just to spite her, but I guess Garfield Dishes It Out was worth it. I'm sure I will talk about Garfield again so I will keep some other stupid Garfield related memories for those times.

Garfield & Friends was a TV Cartoon series that ran on CBS from September 17th, 1988 to December 10, 1994 for seven whole seasons and 121 episodes. Every episode had 3 segments, two Garfield's and one U.S. Acres (my greatest disappointment was finding one of these books as a teenager and realizing how fucking terrible it was. I know tons of people hate Garfield but holy shit Garfield is the fucking Mona Lisa of comic art compared to Jim Davis' other creation) for about three hundred and sixty three segments. As you can tell by the episodes I will be talking about they were clearly running out of ideas by the time this came out. I also have to point out before getting to the episode that the third Garfield theme song was so bad that I'm pretty sure they replaced it for the DVD set. Here we will even include it here thanks to YouTube! It's really bad and I don't like it.

The Three segments of the last Garfield And Friends Episodes are:

Arbuckle the Invincible: The only one of the three I actually enjoyed. Yeah it's a bit out there but Garfield and Friends had to end up getting out there because you can't just animated Garfield eating Lasagna for 7 seasons. This episode starts with Aliens coming to earth and a globe thing that helped Meteors keep away from them falls off their ship and into Jon Arbuckle's pocket making him INVICIBLE. He then goes to get an agent and to set up a crazy stunt, only problem is when he's going to the stunt he doesn't take the globe thing because he doesn't realize he needs it. The aliens save him and at least it was some what amusing.

The Monster Who Couldn't Scare Anyone: This is the U.S. Acres segment. Orson tells Booker and Sheldon (the eggs name was that right? I don't care enough about U.S. Acres to even look that up) about a monster who couldn't scare anyone but had to wear a paper bag because even his family thought he was homely and ends up scaring Orson's brothers because he looks like a pork sausage farmer that does TV commercials. U.S. Acres was mostly pretty not great and this one is no exception.

The Ocean Blue: This one is a musical segment. Like carribean music. A shark is doing some shit to Garfield. I literally don't care enough about this segment to even talk about it. Worst one of the episode.

Final Verdict: I enjoyed Garfield and Friends as a kid, and I've enjoyed the episodes I've seen an an adult. It's a worthy and enjoyable cartoon but this Final Episode clearly shows that season 7 was the time to finally put the show to bed. I might have been harsh on these episodes but I certainly wouldn't want the job of trying to keep a show based around Garfield and U.S. Acres fresh after 363 segments, ya know?

The Final Episode #9: Bump In the Night (1995)

 

Bump in the Night was a Claymation animation show that lasted for 2 seasons and 26 episodes including a Christmas Special. Specials in my mind do not count as a final episode, just a nice little bonus. So that won't be the episode we are discussing. I guess I had to get that out right now. Anyway, this show ran for 2 seasons on ABC Saturday Mornings before Disney bought them out (which caused the end of just about every ABC Saturday Morning show some of which were pretty popular but we will talk about that later) This show first started out as bumpers before a show would come back on Saturday Morning. And stuff like that. I miss bumpers quite a bit. Those were turned into a whole show in 1994.

Bump In the Night was created by Ken Pontac (who worked on things like Happy Tree Friends, Reboot and Mighty Max. So he's a pretty cool guy in my book!) and David Bleiman (who produced.....The PJs which yes I will end up talking about too becuase I'm that sad) Bump In The Night takes place in a boys bedroom, Mr. Bumpy is the monster under the bed. Squishington is the bathroom monster.... I think thats the first time I've heard of a bathroom monster, there's a doll named Molly Coddle and also some Cute Dolls and stuff like that. Mr. Bumpy is a rapscallion (one of the top 10 words ever) who is always getting himself into trouble. Some of the voice cast included Jim Cummings, Rob Paulsen and E.G. Daily, in other words people who have been a part of every cartoon made since 1987. 

The Final Episode of Bump In the Night appeared on Saturday, December 2nd, 1995 and was entitled Not A Leg to Stand On in which Mr. Bumpy gets in trouble with the Cute Dolls for driving in their car. Molly gets Mr. Bumpy out of this situation and in thanks he wants to get her some new shoes so he sneaks into her room and steals her feet. Yes, for the rest of the episode they have to push her around on a skateboard. This show was wild. He even fought a killer piece of bread in another episode! Anyway Mr. Bumpy has to find the feet and prove that he wasn't stealing them to be a jerk or he'll get the WORST PUNISHMENT OF ALL TIME.. a bubble bath!!! He of course realizes that he wrapped them up because he's kind of a doofus. 

FINAL VERDICT: I had a lot of fun rewatching this video. It had a lot of laughs and the Claymation is still really impressive 25 years later. A very silly but enjoyable show. The voice actors really sell the material. I don't know where else to put this information but Cheech Marin and Gilbert Gottfried did voices for this show and anything good enough for Gilbert and Cheech is good enough for me. 

Comic Review #3: Jawbreakers: Lost Souls (2018)

 

I must start this review off by stating what should be obvious to everyone ever: Twitter is a fucking terrible website and a really bad social media hub. Facebook is better if only for one reason, you can decide who you want to interact with on it. Twitter you're just thrown into the open. Yeah you can block one goofy imbecile you don't want to interact with but that person will just be replaced with 27 other ones. I don't like the interface. I don't like the way I feel it helps radicalize people (like Qanon and stuff) on like any side of the political isle. Everyone seems on edge and it's honestly a lot better for you to throw the damn site into the ocean. It's not even because I'm angry these new fangled weirdly designed websites took away my forums. I truly do think Twitter (and hell probably even Facebook even if I admittedly hate it less) are not very good for society. I don't think every single person ever no matter who they are should be connected to everyone else. It also helps shitty asshole grifters make shitty asshole comics like this one.

If you can tell I'm doing another article on comicsgate because I'm in a bad mood and I feel like yelling and screaming at something. Comicsgate is like Gamergate a stupid fucking ongoing arguement that would have been quelled so long ago if Twitter wasn't a thing. Seriously. Richard C Meyer, the Diversity and Comics guy was a shitty youtube asshole who liked to get his group of sycophants and assholes (most of which were in it because they were huge Donald Trump guys and liked to yell at anyone who was even remotely liberal and not because they cared about comic books) and he's a shitty comic book writer too!

I don't even know where to begin with this shitty mess, so I'll just make fun of the stupid assholes who freaked out about Xaxi the black lady who was gonna be totally cool and not like those SJW characters made by Marvel. Well uh... Xaxi does fucking shit all in this fucking story except fall in love with the black guy (they just fall in love in like 22 seconds). I could also argue about the poorly written boring ass jokes, some of which are just boring off color racist jokes. Like the main guy asked the black guy if he likes to swim? I don't even understand that one. I seriously don't. I could also talk about how the story just jumps all over the place especially in the end. I could talk about how he made a CYBORG BORING. HOW CAN YOU MAKE CYBORGS BORING? WHAT THE HELL. Oh and there's a giant gorilla thats trapped on earth for some reason that the Cyborg wants? I don't care this shit sucks. Oh and the Cyborg just dies so anticlimactically. This is an awful comic man. It's one of the comics you pass over in a box of Dollar comics in front of some kinda not great condition House of Mystery comics that you kinda want to pick up but you know you can easily find them in better condition but you're still tempted even though you know you'll want them in better shape. Yeah, thats the kinda comic this is. It's not good. I also have to talk about how much I fucking hate the art of Jon Malin. He's an uglier Liefeld. That's right, uglier Liefeld. I do not get how they all freaked out about how good he is. The man cannot draw anything to save his own life. I seriously get sick when I have to look at his art. I dislike it that much.

FINAL VERDICT: This is another review I'm never going to be happy with because I will never be able to talk about all the things I don't like about this comic book. Every comic he got angry about on his channel like a giant fucking baby are better than this. All of them. Fuck comicsgate and fuck this comic. I'm going to have to talk about Step by Step or something foolish to calm down after this. Oh, and this comic has two other stories in this comic which I will probably end up talking about when I feel shitty again.

TV Review #9: Captain N: The Game Master (1989 - 1991)

 

Since this is yet another DIC Animation tv program (believe me by the time I'm done you hearing the word Deek will make you shiver and shake!), we can start off with some DIC history that interests me and no one else on this planet. In 1987, Andy Heyward bought out the shares of DIC that were owned by Jean Chapolin (the original creator of the organization way back when it was a French only organization.) and Bruno Bianchi, who were behind all of the original DIC hits, like Heathcliff, M.A.S.K., The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin and C.O.P.S. and Jean and Bruno left DIC. The Andy Heyward solo era of DIC was an interesting one.

Captain N: The Game Master was not the first show he did solo, I don't put enough effort into these blog posts to find that out. These are just fun little diversions I make after I watch something to amuse portnoyd. So I hope he finds this review amusing. Captain N apparently made his first appearance in the pages of Nintendo Power, which makes sense, he was originally an adult Nintendo worker, I think him being a teenager works better, like in the show. In the show Kevin Keene is brought into Videoland to help Princess Lana and the N Team fight off Mother Brain (whoever decided to get the dude who voiced Audrey II from the Little Shop of Horrors musical remake to voice Mother Brain is a genius and I hope they were given a big raise and a hug and a kiss) and her henchmen Dr. Wily, King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard. My favorite part of this show is the weird games they picked to be on the show. Like Adventures of Bayou Billy, Faxanadu and Burgertime, but no Mario. Probably because DIC also got to make a Mario show.

Captain N's team includes a sexy video game lady who never appeared in any game, Lana, princess of Videoland. I would play a game based around the Captain N stuff. A crossover game would have been cool as hell. Uh, the N team also has Mega Man, who for some reason now sounds like a 60 year old man whos been smoking 2 packs a day since he was 8. Simon Belmont who looks like a buff tanned Egon Spengler from the Real Ghostbusters. Oh and Kid Icarus. I always forget about him. In Season two Gameboy joins the team. They go into a warp zone that takes place in a random Nintendo game. Like really random, what child owned Faxanadu? That was clearly a game you picked up for 5 bucks at  Microplay as an adult collecting these games. (which I used to do before It got shitty and lame thanks to NintendoAge jerks) 

The voice acting is pretty good, even if Mega Man shouldn't sound like that. I mean besides that. The voices work for the characters. The animation is a mixed bag. One episode literally had several scenes not have backgrounds. It was the Bayou Billy episode. No joke, several scenes had no backgrounds and you had to say to yourself, I'm sure NINTENDO gave you enough money to make this show. The second season opener had a lot better animation too it. I don't know who did the animation, but seeing as this was a joint product between Canada and America (all of the voice actors except Levi Stubbs were Canadian). I don't know any other Canadian animation studios other than Nelvana and the CGI company that did Reboot and I know it wasn't either of them. I'd like to know who animated this show honestly because when it was good it was really good.

Captain N: The Game Master ran for 3 whole seasons and 34 episodes between 1989 and 1991. For all the discussion that was done of the show throughout the NES SCENE GLORY DAYS, I'd have thought there were more episodes and more seasons but I guess not. I also have to say the DVD set that I totally legally own and didn't download does not look that much better than VHS honestly. Maybe I'm just spoiled by Blu-Ray but several of the scenes looked fuzzy. I don't think that was the animation.

FINAL VERDICT:  This was a fun show that I recommend you check out if you enjoy these old games. I think that's where you'll have the most fun with it. If you aren't a Nintendo fan the show is still fun to watch but I don't think it works as well. Now I sit and wait for portnoyd to make a comment about how this show sucks because he's a negative angry man who enjoys nothing but being a butt.

TV Review #8: Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters From Beverly Hills (1994 - 1995)

 

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was probably the biggest hit of the decade of 1990s for kids shows. At least the biggest hit from the years 1993 to 1996. Pokemon probably beat it out but man for a few years that shit was BIG. GABBY HAYES BIG! When you are big like that people tend to rip you off. or cash in. There's a bit of a difference. a Cash in is something similar but still different where as a ripoff is something that's just the same damn thing with a different name and you don't understand how they didn't get sued like there was no tomorrow. Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills would fall under the ripoff category. This was literally Power Rangers with different kids. 

It pretty much does EVERYTHNING Power Rangers did. Four teenagers (this time sans attitude) are given super powers by a blobby creature named Nimbar (who apparently has a hand somewhere inside that blobby body of his. I wonder how the hell his body works, also voiced by the fat gay dude from Beetlejuice. How cool is that!?), Nimbar is kind of a jerk. They have to stop a guy named Gorganus who wants to talk over the planet Earth because it has Power Portals that will help him take over the universe. Of course he does this with the help of GIANT RUBBERY ASS MONSTERS. I love GIANT ASS RUBBERY MONSTERS. That's what made me a fan of Power Rangers, sure I enjoyed the goofy SAVED BY THE BELL type antics too BUT what made it great was THE GIANT RUBBERY ASS MONSTERS. I will never stop loving GIANT RUBBERY ASS MONSTERS.  I enjoyed the casts interacting with each other. Laurie, Drew, Gordon and....Swinton. I don't believe anyone has ever had the name Swinton. In fact I refuse to.  They were your usual group of teen characters you'd see in Saved by the Bell. The Poet, the Preppy, the Cheerleader and the Nerd, but the actors honestly play them pretty well but dip into the tongue in cheek kinda acting which works well for a goofy show like this. One episode has Gordon the Preppy wish for the Cheerleader to end up in bra and panties. No joke. That actually happened on a kids show. Man the 1990s was a wild time.

Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills ran for only one season, from October 30th, 1994 to December 9th, 1995 on apparently USA Cartoon Express but I'm sure it appeared other places too. It never came on Canadian TV because I would have remembered a show title as amazingly goofy as Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters From Beverly Hills. I would have watched the hell out of this show as I did with all of the other Power Rangers ripoffs at the time. That shit was my jam at 8 years old. The show was created by our good pals at DIC Animation, yep. They did live action too. They did Zoobilee Zoo (that creepy creepy show with the weirdly awful animal costumes), Hey Vern, It's Ernest (the mother fuckin Ernest show. Clearly the best thing they ever did) and ANOTHER Power Rangers ripoff called Superhuman Samurai Syber-Squad. I like how they had to misspell Cyber to get that to work but I'm glad they did! 

Final Verdict:  This show was the cheesiest thing that ever cheesed. I like how when they fight the monsters they become COMPLETELY different stunt actors. One of the girls even changes her race! It's great!  I miss DIC. I miss Ernest. I miss the Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad. I even miss those creepy Zoobilee Zoo assholes. I miss being 8.

 

TV Review #7: Hangin' With Mr. Cooper (1992 - 1997)

 You know the ABC Friday Night block TGIF right? It was incredibly popular between 1989 and 2000, hell they were so popular they tried it again in 2003 to like 2005 and 2018 to 2019. You know something is popular when they decide to go back and try to ruin it. Anyway there were several sitcoms on the show in that 11 year block. Tons of them are still well regarded by a lot of people today. Like Family Matters or Step By Step or Full House or Boy Meets World. Several shows that only I and some sad other losers remember like Teen Angel and You Wish. Hell I even remember Alien in the Family and that show lasted for two whole weeks on TGIF. What I'm getting too is that I don't remember Hangin' With Mr Cooper at all, just that there was a show with that name.

At first I was actually kinda exicited to watch this show, a show that I don't remember at all despite watching enough TGIF to make a person sick. Like that was my Friday night for the entire 1990s, well except when CBS stole Family Matters and Step by Step for like one season. Hell I remember the CBS Block Party! No one remembers that! There's a reason Hangin' With Mr Cooper is "yeah that was a thing I guess" and not "HOLY SHIT THAT SHOW WAS GREAT I CANT WAIT FOR THIS STREAMING SERVICE TO START SHOWING IT AGAIN" is because Hangin' With Mr.Cooper is not a very good television show. 

The main problem is the cast is not very good but Mark Curry is the biggest problem. The dude just tries way way WAY too hard to be a comedy master when he's well a forgettable comedian. Like you haven't thought about him or this show in decades, be honest. He's not a very good comedian and is a even worse actor. Just the whole trying too hard thing. This whole show tries too hard. Look at the image above this paragraph and you can see it all. LOOK AT US BEING WILD AND FUN with crayons all over the leaves. Wowie!  Trying to hard really ruins comedy. I watched two episodes of this and I laughed once I think. 

Final Verdict: It's very hard to talk about this show because it's both forgettable and trying to hard. I'll remember goofy shit from Family Matters probably forever. This was just not very funny or memorable, but it's also not really bad enough to get angry about. It's one of those many comedy shows that probably lasted 5 seasons because the tv network had forgotten that it was even on there. Oh, and apparently they took over the house from Growing Pains and Alan Thicke came on during the first episode and that's the most memorable thing about the show, taking over the set from a different show. Now that's some sad shit.

Movie Review #1: Cyborg Cop (1993)

 

Yeah, It's time for another column to pop up on my blog! I had watched several movies before this one recently, but honestly they didn't fit as well for a #1. It's a first time experience! I gotta make sure I pick the best movie to watch. Sure the two documentaries could have been a good #1 column but I felt that something ridiculous and silly would work better. You'll get a lot of different kinds of movies talked about on this blog column but most of them will be silly and ridiculous.  Cyborg Cop (1993) is the perfect choice to show you what kind of movies I will  be watching, mostly janky junky silly B-movies. I mean you probably could have picked that up from my Re-Watchathon column but I needed something to put here as an intro so shut up.

Cyborg Cop (1993)  is a movie directed by Sam Firstenberg (he's most famous for American Ninja and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo)  and stars David Bradley who is most famous for being the second American Ninja and John Rhys- Davies who is most famous for being a British guy in just about 4,000 low budget movies like this. The plot is pretty much your usual shoot em up direct to VHS (this is the 1990s remember?) where David Bradley (with a fanny pack!) has to find out what happened to his brother on an attempt to find a drug runner named Kessler (John Rhys-Davies) who uh also is really big into cybernetics which is what happened ot his brother. He was turned into a cyborg (who no joke looks like Data from Star Trek). So it's not really like a ripoff of RoboCop which I thought it was gonna be, because I quickly just got this movie because of the title.

This is a fun movie, Sam Firstenberg is able to keep the action at a great pace. The characters are fun to watch, I personally enjoyed the relationship between Jack Ryan (David Bradley) and Cathy. Those two were a lot of fun to watch. John Rhys- Davies clearly takes the cake as the best performer in this movie and the most fun. but David Bradley is good as your usual "IM A TOUGH GUY WITH A HEART OF GOLD WHO PLAYS BY MY OWN RULES" kinda action movie hero. To be fair this is also a movie that you know you'll want to see the second you see the title, it's either DAMN THAT'S GONNA BE GREAT or NO IM TOO SNOOTY AND I ENJOY MY OWN FART SMELL. 

Final Verdict:  This is not a fantastic amazing movie that is totally 100% essential to watch but it's still an incredibly fast paced fun movie that's perfect for a rainy day (or a pandemic type time like this). It's just a solid 3.5 out of 5 time. I also must talk about how David Bradley just seemed to disappear after 1997 and no one really knows where he is. I hope it doesn't turn out that he's some kind of insane Donald Trump supporter or something, in fact I hope we don't find out what happened to him because I just can't take that happening. Anyway if you enjoy mid 1990s direct to VHS action movies I believe you will have a good time with this one. I personally can't wait to see the sequels, even if the third one doesn't have Davey in it.

TV Review #6: Gilligan's Planet (1982)

 

This review goes out to shain a man I've known for 21 years now. We met on the ol' Internet Relay Chat in like 2000? or maybe it was 2001. I do not remember but he and I have had tons of erotic internet fun since then. I asked in my discord for stuff to review and he said this, well originally he said The Brady Kids but fuck anything related to the Brady Bunch right in the dickhole hard. Anyway I decided to talk about this show because I had always been curious about it ever since seeing it on one of those "30 MINUTES OF 80S CARTOON INTROS" that were on youtube in like 2007. Good stuff. I'm sure I will end up talking about The Brady Kids one day but that's probably after I run out of things I want to talk about.

This cartoon was created by the animation company Filmation, known best for He-Man, She-Ra and probably BraveStarr. In fact this was the last show they did for Saturday Morning before they went whole hog in on the syndicated shows like He-Man. I know most blogs when talking about Filmation the first show they would review would probably be one of them but not this one! No sir! I talk about the weird Gilligan's Island spinoff because I'm cool like that. Filmation started in 1962 by Norm Prescott, Lou Scheimer(who's dad punched Hitler in the face. Now that's cool!) and Hal Sutherland. They made about 52,000 cartoons during those eras for TV. In fact the only other competition they had were Hanna Barbera and probably reruns of cartoons from like the theatre days for Saturday Morning fun! So if you didn't like either like a lot of jerky animation snobs don't well you are shit outta luck, I guess. However I had a ball of a time watching reruns of stuff like He-Man and She-Ra and all that so these rascals still hold a special place in my heart no matter how cheap a lot of the cartoons admittedly are.

Gilligan's Planet was an animated spinoff of Gilligan's Island. The second in fact actually. The first was also made by Filmation in 1974. The New Adventures of Gilligan. The show also had 3 TV Movies too which is were I some dumb YouTube channel like Cinema Sins I would complain about how the cartoons spinoffs ruin the continuity of Gilligan's Island. Then I would shoot myself for literally worrying about the continuity of something as silly as Gilligan's Island (which is something that I like by the way) 1982 was a big year for spinoffs of sitcoms into cartoons, as Mork and Mindy, Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley all got their own shows, and yes I will talk about them too because why not?

I must admit the animation in the show is cheap as I mentioned before but it's not that bad. I guess I'm used to the stuff like that now? They do reuse a lot of scenes because why not? It ain't a damn crime son! I must say I enjoy the painted backgrounds of the animation a lot. They were always fun and nicely designed. Also the character designs are very fun too, they definitely look like the characters from the original show (except Ginger is a platinum blonde like Jayne Mansfield who apparently the creators wanted for the original role... they do know Ginger means redhead right??) The stories are silly but very fun and I totally laughed several times and some very goofy jokes but I think you know that already. Also another neat note was that Tom Ruegger who would later go on to Tiny Toon Adventures, Animaniacs, and Freakazoid did some of his earliest work on this series. Wild huh!? 

Final Verdict: This isn't amazing television. It won't get the highest grades of stuff I cover from Filmation or any other series. It's just simple fun comfort food TV. It's very silly but entertaining. It's also worth watching if you enjoy all those silly sitcoms from the past, which I do. I recommend watching it if you enjoy the Filmation stuff of this era. It's charming and silly and I had fun with it. Much more fun than if I had watched The Brady Kids.

Comic Review #2: Batman: Three Jokers (2020)

 

Continuity is a weird thing with me. I like the characters having relationships with each other and the togetherness of the universes, but I'm not one of the guys who go OH NO THIS CLEARLY CONTRIDICTS ISSUE 402 OF THE BOOGIE WOOGIE WOMAN WHEN SHE CLEARLY SAID SHE WOULD NEVER MARRY CHARLES CHANCE, THE GREATES TAP DANCER OF ALL. These stories have been going on for 8 decades. The amount of things that have happened in our real world since 1934 when DC Comics first came into business is insane. The amount of stories they have published is insane. They would have to get an entire group of people just to keep people from complaining about minor facts. That and all kinds of reboots happening. Oh and a lot of recons are much better than their original story, I'm sorry but Magneto being the father of Quicksilver and The Scarlet Witch works about 5,000 times better than their dad being The Whizzer (yes that his name and yes he actually has a yellow costume) I guess I'd rather just enjoy a story then having to pick it apart because one small factoid contradicts another. I guess in the end my feelings are like Grant Morrison and that all the stories matter even the stories that contradict other stories.

I don't know why I ended up buying this comic. I felt the idea was stupid from day one. The Joker doesn't need to be turned into three guys because his personalities were all over the place. That's one of the unique things about the Joker, the guys a fucking crazy madman who dresses as a clown. You can easily have him be methodical, or a goofy bastard who wants to put smiles on Fish, or a monstrous lunatic who bashes Jason Todd's face into goop. Having them be 3 guys takes a lot away from him. Also Batman knowing who the Joker is at the end of this story is another thing I don't like. I like the Joker being an enigma even to Batman. Something that even the Batman can't figure out. He's like the one mystery he can't figure out, to give the Joker a concrete origin has never been a great idea in my mind. 

This is going to be a shorter article because honeslty I didn't hate reading this as much as I thought I would. I was just bored to tears mostly. Nothing thrilling or fun about this story. No unique ideas for the most part except for having Joe Chill want to apologize to Bruce Wayne for what he did, but I just wish that idea had been put in a better story. Nothing. Oh I do have to rant about the "IT HURTS WHEN I LAUGH" scene. That's The Joker. Not a flip flappin 16 year old emo myspace teen from 2006.  The art is pretty good too but I'm sure I can see this guys art in a more enjoyable story. 

FINAL VERDICT: This story was mostly pretty boring honestly. The Joe Chill stuff was interesting but the HEY WE GOTTA HAVE 3 JOKERS NOW stuff was dopey as hell. I don't recommend reading this and I think Geoff Johns needs to give comic books a break for a while...

TV Review #5: Mega Man (1994 - 1996)

 

It's finally time! 2020 is over! Finished! Done for! Which means its time to talk about the first review of the new year and boy howdy did I ever start it off right! Mega Man (1994 - 1996) was the penultimate tv show that the animation company Ruby Spears ever did! They also had a pretty interesting beginnings in the world so I shall regale you with them. In 1977, head of ABC Fred Silverman (who was also the head of CBS in the early 1970s and started the whole rural purge that ended shows like Green Acres and Beverly Hillbillies and ushered in urban shows like the Mary Tyler Moore Show and All in the Family. So he's already got some TV history behind him before Ruby Spears.) and he got rid of Filmations stuff on ABC and if you knew about animation history on TV, in the 1960s and 1970s it was like two whole groups of dudes making it. Filmation and Hanna-Barbera.

So.. Fred Silverman (1937 - 2020) (apparently Fred from Scooby Doo was named after him, wild.) got Ken Spears (1938 - 2020) and Joe Ruby (1933 - 2020) who had worked for Hanna-Barbera from the mid 1960s to 1977 (they created Scooby Doo along with character designer Iwao Takamoto (1925 - 2007) and had them create their own animation studio in 1977, the first show they made was one of the umpteen Scooby Doo ripoffs, so Fred Silverman didn't want a monopoly of shows from one company on like all 3 networks (how many flippin cartoons did Hanna-Barbera even make?) but apparently didn't care if they ripped each other off. They went on to make stuff like THUNDARR THE BARBARIAN (which I haven't seen but it was made by Jack Kirby and Steve Gerber so you know it's gonna be a fuckin wild ass ride) and Alvin and the Chipmunks (which is the best version of the chipmunks and I will fight anyone who says differently) and worked in animation for 19 years ending in 1996, which is 25 years ago now and I feel like I'm about to turn into dust and be blown away.

It was a pretty wild legacy and I haven't seen the last show they worked on, Skysurfer Strike Force (holy shit that's a mouthful of a title) I HAVE seen Mega Man  (which ran from September 11, 1994 to January 11, 1996) which was a big show for me as a child (and one I thought lasted longer then it did and also wished it lasted longer than it did). This was a show I would watch on TBS before school, It was Sailor Moon and then Mega Man. I think after that it became Bewitched and Rocky and Bullwinkle. It's amazing that I sometimes forget what I was going upstairs for but I can remember nonsense like this. I would like to have a set of Newfoundland Herald's from the 1980s and 1990s just to make sure. Anyway this was my way of waking up in the morning. I would have some nice cinnamon toast and watch Mega Man fight Dr. Wily. I mean sometimes I'd end up falling asleep in Mr. Kelly's class but Sailor Moon and Mega Man are more important than math. Maybe make me feel like going to a place where a ton of kids thought I was a gross weirdo was a good thing instead of getting mad at me Mr. Kelly. Stupid jerk.

Uh, okay let's back away from the unprocessed negative memories of my youth and let's go talk about the positive stuff.  Mega Man for those not in the know was a series of games that started in 1987 and is still going on from time to time today. It's probably the best series of video games ever and I don't care what you say. Hell if you count the spinoffs as part of the whole series it IS the best series of Video Games EVER. Mega Man X might be the best non-Chrono Trigger game of all time. This was not the first time Mega Man appeared in animation either. He was a multicolored midget who was also a chronic three pack a day smoker in Captain N: The Game Master which I am sure we will talk about sooner or later on this old blog of mine.

So we finally got all the backstory for the show out of the way (I do the backstory because it honestly interests me and I like to also mention what I thought of the show as a child because it feels good to see what changed in 20 something years) I can easily say that Mega Man is a very enjoyable 90s action cartoon that I felt got a bad rap. I know video games into cartoons are very hit or miss but I felt Mega Man shouldn't have been considered a miss. This show has wacky over the top plots with lots of action and silly humor that still amuses me in 2021. I really like the voice cast too. They all feel pretty good, my favorites have to be Dr. Wily, Protoman and Cutman. Dr. Wily sounds like a stereotypical German which works so well for him. Protoman just sounds so cocky and sarcastic which works for his EVIL version in this show and Cutman sounds like Peter Lorre and he's always a fun guy to impersonate. \

I think the designs for the characters are pretty true to the games, which must have been hard to do, getting the characters to look right when all you had to go on were the original 6 NES games (I am probably wrong and someone will go NO YOU TURD MEGA MAN 7 CAME OUT AND IT CLEARLY SHOWED HOW EASY IT WAS TO JUST TURN THEM INTO ANIMATED CHARACTERS) but they worked very well for me. The animation in the show worked well too, pretty fluid and nice from the 3 episodes I watched. Pretty darn good for a TV budget. I also enjoyed the characters too. It was neat to see Roll use goofy homemaking stuff to beat ass. She breaks out of a damn jail cell with just a cake mixer thing! Mixes the shit outta that wall. I wouldn't mess with this Roll.

FINAL VERDICT: First off two things I just feel like I gotta mention but I didn't know where I could mention them. The little cartoon of the Good Guy dolls from Child's Play was animated by Ruby Spears. That would show up in Child's Play and Child's Play 3. Now that's pretty darn wild. Also this show was a co-production between like the most companies I can think of, at least thus far. Capcom, Ocean Productions (thankfully not related to the terrible video game company), Ashi Productions (from the land of the rising sun!!!) and Ruby Spears. OK, that's just four but still usually it's just two corporations. It was a production between 3 countries. America, Canada (Ocean Productions is in Vancouver, British Columbia (HI PAVOL)) and Japan. Secondly This is still a fun show and I definetly plan to check out the other 24 episodes of it. Of all the shows I've talked about in my TV Reviews this is clearly the one I had the most fun with. Hell I could do a play by play review of just the Monster Bot episode because WOW that was some wild stuff. I highly recommend you give this show a shot. 

Comic Review #1: The Unknown Soldier #268 (1982)

 

Alright guys and gals and everyone else, It's clearly time for a review of a comic book. This series will take over all of my other series on comics from now on. The review of new comics I did, the review of What Ifs, the review of Elseworlds.. all will now be under the banner of Comic Review....yes that's a great and catchy name. I just like things to be consistent for the most part and since I do TV reviews and I will be doing movie reviews (both Re-Watchathon and Movie Review) Even if I named one series WILD MANS CRAZY MOVIE REVIEW the others would be named the same. I'm not coming up with 82 different names for every review series, DEAL WITH IT SPARKY.

You may be asking yourself, "Who in the heckadillo is The Unknown Soldier, Mikey?" Well, SPARKY sit yer sweet ass down and I'll tell you the tale of the Unknown Soldier. So This tale starts with the comic book Our Army at War, a 1966 issue of the Sgt Rock series where the Unknown Soldier first appears. He is a spy who had his face horribly scarred and no one knows who he is, thus he is able to get into different disguises and go on war type espionage adventures. His adventures were told in Star Spangled War Tales which had several other war characters in them. That book was renamed The Unknown Soldier around 1977 because he had become the main feature and all. Issue #268,  the one we are looking at today is the final issue of the series. It's a full length story with no back ups (the series by this time was doing back ups of Tomahawk and The Balloon Buster and you can bet your sweet bippy that I'll be talking about a comic hero called the Balloon Buster sometime on this channel.) 

I've enjoyed most of the The Unknown Soldier comics I've read. He has a simple get up when he's not in a disguise. A trenchcoat and a hat and a bandaged face. It's a very nice design I think. No need to get wild and flamboyant with a character like this. Anyway most issues were written by Bob Haney and I believe the art team of Dick Ayers and Gerry Talaoc (Dick Ayers would do the breakdowns and Gerry Talaoc would do the finished art) was pretty consistent too. Bob Haney is one of my favorite guys in comics. He wrote stories that were HOG WILD. Like stories that you could never guess how'd they end. I mean he'd also write stories that were more normal, but even those were incredibly amusing and fun to read. The art by Dick and Gerry is really great too.

This being, I believe the final story the Unknown Soldier ever starring in before the Crisis on Infinite Earths ended the Pre-Crisis DC universe. I could be wrong on that, I do remember him appearing in a Batman Brave and the Bold story and a DC Comics Presents story with Superman, but I believe both of them were before this. I will probably review them too because I dig it when the superheroes end up teaming up with the war guys or the western guys. Anyway enough blathering about, what is this final story even about? Well I'll tell your impatient ass Sparky. NOW SIT DOWN.

The Unknown Soldier has gone into Germany near the end of the war. Like Hitler's sitting in his damn bunker end of the war. The Russians are coming, you Nazi fuckers! He sees the man he was sent here to get information from is in front of a firing squad so damn you know it ain't going to be pretty! The Unknown Soldier is pretending to be a Doctor so he is able to get close to the man and hear his final words "Nosferatu" and his adventure to find out what this means ends up with him MEETING FUCKING ADOLF HITLER. Oh and during a fight he forces HITLER TO SHOOT HIMSELF. Yes, Bob Haney got the Unknown Soldier to shoot HITLER RIGHT IN HIS FUCKING FACE. Also that line of dialogue "Good-Bye, SATAN! May you burn in hell until the last tick of eternity" Just might be the best line of dialogue ever! He finds out that Nosferatu is VAMPIRE OCTOPI that were to be sent to kill allied troops. Thankfully he disguises himself as Hitler and ends that bit of NAZI INSANITY. He then maybe dies saving a child from a landmine. The Unknown Soldier would scratch himself a lot in his disguises and the soldier at the end scratches himself so it might just be him.

FINAL VERDICT: This comic was an absolute must read. It's fast paced and action packed, but also pretty sad as everyone including maybe the Unknown Soldier dies. Characters that had several appearances like Chat Noir die. It's a bleak end but It's also a war comic which feels right for some reason. I dunno if every war hero DC had made it out of the war but I know that Sgt Rock and his merry gang didn't either. I would like to read that story too if it was ever printed.  The last page where the Unknown Soldier dies was a little jarring. We could have had a bit more breathing room between Hitler and Vampire Octopi and the main character dying but this is still a great little comic that's worth a read. I personally salute the Unknown Soldier!