Comic Review #51: Simpsons Comics #38 (1998)

 

Man this let's look at comic books I owned as a kid thing has been a lot of fun. I plan to discuss a few more and then we will be going back to regular comics I haven't read yet thing. Anyway I recently got an insane amount of comic books from my pal Sean. Some of them were comics I had as a kid. I am now reunited with Simpsons Comics #38. Isn't that great? I think it is because this comic was a lot of fun. I was also reunited with another weird comic that I can't wait to talk about but man I gotta tease it first to bring up excitement. I also have several weird comics that I can't wait to get to review. Holy moly they will be something else.

The Simpsons was probably the most popular tv show on the planet during the 1990s. I've been wanting to talk about it for awhile but didn't know how. I can't do the Final Episode because the show is still running into season 32 or whatever. I can't talk about it in a TV review because I've kinda given up on that column. I might bring it back as a place to talk about the many reboots. That would be fun. Anyway I would also have to watch some new episodes of the show and I really don't want to do that. This show went from the funniest thing on television to the least. Yes, I'd rather watch a marathon of The Big Bang Theory and Tim and Eric before I'd watch a new Simpsons episode. The show somehow gets worse and worse. It's baffling. It really doesn't feel like the same show anymore. After 32 years you really have used up every single plotline. I'm surprised the comic book was still running until the 2010s. I would also flip through issues when out supermarket shopping in the 2000s and the comic was funnier than the show! I don't know why they didn't bring the writers of the comic over!

The Simpsons Comics was put out by Bongo Comics. They would also put out Futurama comics. It was owned by Matt Groening and Steve and Cindy Vance. It closed down in around 2014 I want to say. Simpsons Comics almost ran for 300 issues. Isn't that wild? I loved The Simpsons and Simpsons Comics. I had at least 6 or 7 of the Simpsons Comics trade paperbacks. I don't know what happened to them but they were awesome. The series started in 1992. I'm going to talk about an issue from 1998. Which is around Season 9 or 10. People argue if Season 9 should be in the Golden Years and I will say yes if only for The City of New York Vs. Homer Simpson. That episode is a classic. It actually was before Season 10 if I think correctly and man that's a lopsided season. You still had some good episodes but you had some of the worst. 

This comic was written by Billy Rubinstein and drawn by Phil Ortiz. I've never heard of these guys before but Billy created an amusing story and Phil draws all the Simpsons characters very well. So that's pretty much I can add for this paragraph. I don't even think this can even be called a paragraph due to how short it is. Sorry guys but there's not an insane amount of information out there about you guys!

This issue starts up with Lenny, Carl, Homer and some other guy at the plant all discussing donuts. It then turns to Smithers and he sees that the plant is spending 200,000 dollars on donuts. He goes to Mr. Burns and we get some amusing jokes about how he cuts costs. He and Smithers goes on a ride in a nice little chair behind a secret door to the scientists room. Burns has to sit on Smithers lap and holy shit the look on Smithers face is hilarious. They get to the scientists room and he explains how he's creating some addictive donuts to sell. He also stops letting the workers eat free donuts. Homer and the rest freak out and realize that the Kwik-E-Mart donuts are not the same so they take a pay decrease to get donuts. 

Marge then finds out that everyone is making less money thanks to the donuts. The Kwik E Mart, Church, Leftorium, everyone is making less money due to Mr. Burns so they start protesting. Fat Tony and the Mob find out about the addictive donuts and want in on this so they go to Mr. Burns. In the end we end up in court to find out about the donuts. Mr. Burns gets the scientist to pretty much lie and say the donuts are fine and since he's boring everyone they think he must be right. Even Lisa doesn't want to listen to this boring nerd shit! 

They bribe everyone in the court with the donuts and well they get what they want. They even run over the guy who owns Lard Lad right in the middle of him saying he's going to expose what's actually in these donuts. Well with a big wagon thing of Donuts. It still shuts him up. In the end worker production goes DOWN because everyone's too fat to do anything because of the donuts. So this causes Mr. Burns to get rid of the donuts. Nothing can hurt his precious Power Plant. Everything is back to normal and this ending is kinda hilariously abrupt honestly. All the Power Planet employees get a fat substitute that gives them bad breath. Also apparently makes rapid weight loss because everyone loses the weight from the donuts pretty damn quickly.

FINAL VERDICT: I think the ending is a little abrupt but it still works for the character of Mr. Burns.  The most important thing is that the vast majority of gags in this comic are very amusing and enjoyable. I like the two headed Goat that Mr. Burns has due to nuclear radiation. Poor thing has to eat the radiation.

The Final Episode #70: Beetlejuice: The Animated Series (1989 - 1991)

 

 One of my favorite things from the 1980s was the fact that they took PG-13 and R rated movies and went HMMM how do we get money from children with these? Oh I know! Let's turn fucking RoboCop into a cartoon! I know Beetlejuice was PG and I watched it as a kid but it was the 1980s. PG movies shouldn't have been turned into cartoons either! Beetlejuice admittedly works pretty well as a cartoon because the movie was already was a fucked up live action cartoon anyway. It's just another reason why the 1980s were probably the greatest decade we ever got to enjoy. I wish I got to enjoy more of it first hand.. What a time to be alive.

Beetlejuice was a Tim Burton movie made in 1988. It made more money than anyone thought possible. It was about a lunatic ghost named Beetlejuice played perfectly by Michael Keaton. Some people who died at this house want him to get the people living the hell out of there. It was creative and wild and had tons of cursing. It was perfect for Saturday Morning! I miss when Tim Burton gave a shit about making a good movie. Those were the days weren't they people? In 1989 Tim Burton, Nelvana (remember them from like 5 or so posts ago? Well they did this show too!) and the Geffen Film Company all worked together to make this cartoon.

The cartoon was well different from the movie despite I and many other kids having seen the movie at an age way too young to see a movie like that because it was the pre-internet era and we didn't have 1,000 and 12 people telling us the right way to live our lives. Our parents just didn't want to listen to the recap of the TMNT episode they already had to watch with us because we had one television so they put this movie on to shut us up. Anyway Beetlejuice is a prankster in this series and Lydia is his best pal. The two places episodes usually took place in where Peaceful Pines where Lydia lived with her parents or Neitherworld (a renamed Afterlife) where all kinds of weirdo creatures lived. Like a french skeleton and a hairy monster! And a tap dancing Spider. It was fun damnit.

I've also got to talk about the cast for this one because it's a doozy. It has John Stockton who was Beastly from The Care Bear Family in it! It had a character from the 1979 teen super camp movie Meatballs in it! It had Sailor Jupiter in it! It had Allyson Court, you know Jubilee from the X-Men and Loonette the Clown for people in the Great White North! One of Tara Strong's first roles was this show! And Ron Rubin who voiced Artemis in the DiC Sailor Moon dub which I really want to do a Final Episode of but can't find the dub version.  He was also on shows like C.O.P.S. and Stickin Around. Also according to Wikipedia he went to Chris Kraft's wedding was covered in Elephant dung and stranded in Botswana. Oh and all his stuff was stolen. And it took him a few years to get back to America. And when he got back to America he ended up being hospitalized for 18 months. Now that's a story I need every bit of information about to be told to my ears.

I loved the movie and this show as a child. It was a good thing too because thanks to Nelvana's involvement this show got rerun for so long. I remember it being on NTV in the early morning hours. It was worth getting up to see because it was a damn hoot and a half. I also recently found out that they created a Talking Beetlejuice Doll. I totally have to own that. I'm a very serious almost 36 year old man.

The Final Episode was called "Not so Peaceful Pines" and came to us on December 6th, 1991. I'm surprised it wasn't a Christmas episode and that I'd have to put it off for a few months because as I have mentioned before there are three shows that end on a Christmas episode. I would like for you all to try and guess which three! It'll be fun! It aired on Fox Kids and was the 94th episode. The first three seasons were on ABC and it was only like 27 or 28 episodes. The fourth season was like FUCK THAT and pulled 65 episodes out for us all to enjoy! The Final Episode starts up with Beetlejuice wanting to go to bed after a hard days work of being an asshole. He needs his beauty sleep. However he is woken up from his slumber by a rock band from the real world.

He goes outside and is threatened by the hairy monster with a cowboy hat that was called The Monster From Across the Street. He has a dog named Poopie. I like him, he reminds me of Gossamer from the Looney Tunes cartoons. Anyway Beetlejuice runs off because he was threatened with getting his ears washed. Beetlejuice enjoys waxy ears damnit. He goes to find Lydia in the real world which is also where the loud ass music is coming from. Beetlejuice at first wants to go join the party but after seeing the Mayor get thrown right into a trash can. Beetlejuice and Lydia go to help him.

The Mayor must not realize that he can get the police to shut the party down so he offers anyone who can stop the party money to do so, so Beetlejuice always wanting money so he can buy more ear wax or something takes the Mayor up on his offer and even gets him to sign a slime contract. I think it would have been weirdly amusing if Beetlejuice ended up taking the Mayor to court. No what happens is that Beetlejuice actually clears the Party out incredibly quickly and the Mayor says it wouldn't be fiscally conservative to give him any money for such a quick job. Beetlejuice is so pissed he makes a pun about being torn up and well turns into two Beetlejuices. His good half and his bad half. 

Bad Beetlejuice wants to wreck the shit out of the town while Good Beetlejuice pretty much does nothing because he's a wimp. They try all kinds of stuff until they decide to go to the Nietherworld to find Dr. Zigmund Void. I'm pretty amazed they decided to make this guy an character that apparently appeared in several episodes. What a weird world. Anyway this guy looks like Sigmund Freud and he has a big crack in his head. Bad Beetlejuice and Good Beetlejuice get into a fight and Zigmund Void gives him shock treatment by dropping a fucking telephone pole on his head. It ends up giving him lightning powers because well it's a cartoon and he decides to go back to the mayor and fuck HIS shit up.

He shoves the mayor into a ballot box and then Lydia gets the bright idea of doing word association. They start changing into different things while Lydia says words in a funny accent. They get them by having Good Beetlejuice turn into a pin and Bad Beetlejuice turn into a stripe. He is now the whole Beetlejuice again! He is told by Lydia that he has to clean up the entire mess Bad Beetlejuice made. He then makes a joke about having a splitting head ache which causes his head to turn into Bad Beetlejuice and Good Beetlejuice. 

FINAL VERDICT: A weird ending to a weird show. I had a lot of fun watching this Final Episode and laughed at so very many corny jokes. I think shows like this is where my love of corny jokes and puns come from. I had a great time rewatching this show and I'm glad I finally got to it.

Comic Review #50: The Uncanny X-Men #183 (1984)

 We are still on the Let's Review Comics from my Youth kick so I knew I had to try to do something big for the #50. I've been meaning to talk about any X-Men comic from the 1980s because they were always a solid good time (for the most part). I know some people say the stopped being good in 1987 or 1981 or whenever. That's Facebook comic group talk. You always have to be like NUH UH MAN (insert thing whatever) STOPPED BEING GOOD IN (insert year here). I think it's funny because there are great X-Men comics happening now. There are great comics happening now. Not only from Marvel but other companies too. They didn't just stop being good in some random year. Yeah I've pretty much stopped reading comments on those groups and just look at the cool art and comics people post. 

I was also not happy with the only X-Men comic I'd had reviewed was really bad, right near the end of Chris Claremont's run. When Bob Harras was letting Jim Lee and Rob Liefeld and other idiots tell the stories they wanted and have Claremont and Louise Simonson write them. Jim Lee is a fine artist but he sucks shit as a writer/creator. No one cared about WildStorm or WildCATS until people like Warren Ellis or Alan Moore wrote for them. Don't you dare post saying you loved Wildstorm and WildCATS portnoyd. I will fucking punch you in the balls if you do and Rob Liefeld was terrible. Just terrible. I've talked about how I don't like 1990s X-Men all that much even after Jim and Rob fuck off to Image Comics, I'm not about to say the entire decade sucked or that there wasn't anything to enjoy. I'm sure I'll find something that I like during the 1990s X-Men. I am still curious about some 1990s stuff from some of titles that weren't X-Men or Uncanny X-Men. 

I was not happy because that story stunk and The X-Men were one of my favorite comics as a kid and I still love them today. It was because of the 1990s show but like most issues I got were from the Second Page Bookstore. This issue however was a bit different. Pretty much every year until 2000 my parents, sister and I would go to a small town in Newfoundland called Lewisporte. It was a nice town and I enjoyed being there a lot. We'd go to visit family. At one time there was a Shoppers Drug Mart there and in the basement of the store was a video store and a book store and a big old bookcase with comics on it. It was weird to see a staircase there in the middle of the store. Sadly it seems that the staircase is gone. The bookstore had a Spaceballs book! By Jovial Bob Stine! That's right! How cool is that? The Video Store was closed. I found a copy of this comic and some others. I sadly don't have this comic any more as water ruined it. My original copy I mean. I got a nice and snazzy looking upgrade. Anyway there are my memories of this comic. I read it a billion times as a child and it was great. I'm still mad that I couldn't get that Spaceballs book!

This comic was written by Chris Claremont. The man who really brought the X-Men to super popularity. The X-Men was cancelled at one time. Well not really cancelled, they were just doing reprints and sometimes some crossovers. From like 1970 to 1975. In 1975 they put out Giant Size X-Men #1 and it changed history. Len Wein did Giant Size X-Men #1 and I think issues 94 and 95. Then came in Chris Claremont because Len Wein already had two comics to write already. I also think he might have been Editor in Chief at this time. Marvel Comics had like 23 Editor in Chiefs during the 1970s. Chris was great and one of my favorite writer guys. Not just for X-Men but for Iron Fist and his Marvel Team Up issues. John Romita Jr did the art and I love it. This was during his time when he was mostly doing similar work to his father. I like this stuff better than his new stuff but I do like his newer blocky look. Especially when the inking is done by Al Williamson.

This comic starts out with Kitty Pryde and Colossus sitting on the top of a mountain. Colossus is telling Kitty Pryde about the woman he met during his and the X-Men time on Battleworld in Secret Wars. I will talk about Secret Wars in its own piece so I won't go any farther about what it really is. Since Kitty Pryde and Colossus were dating up to this point it's kinda important to tell her all this. (It's kinda weird to see their relationship now because one is 14 and one was 18 when they started meeting. Also Colossus says he's almost 20 in this issue, shouldn't that have made Kitty 16? Age is weird in Comic books.) Kitty leaves and when she finally gets home cries her eyes out while Lockjaw (her pet dragon) and Illyana (Colossus sister and New Mutant Magik). Storm also wishes that Colossus had DIED in one of her thought balloons. Better him die and not break Kitty's heart in this way. Just break her heart in a different way. Still cold Storm! Kitty even leaves to go see her dad! 

Wolverine however is gonna do something about it because Wolverine doesn't like seeing people he cares about hurt. So he brings Colossus to a bar but before he can leave Nightcrawler pops into the car (before like thinking WOLVERINE YOU SAID YOU'D WAIT FOR ME, man Wolverine was an asshole) They all end up at a bar and Wolverine tries to show Colossus how Kitty feels but Colossus ends up getting in a bar brawl (and tearing the entire damn bar down!) with The Juggernaut. This is one of THE best one on one fights in comic book history. If you disagree you can bugger off this blog right now. Jerks. Anyway The Juggernaut beats him and gives Wolverine a huge bit of money to give to the owner to put the bar back together. I guess Juggernaut likes this bar. 

Colossus then goes on about how they are a team and he could have used their help just for Wolverine to mention how Kitty Pryde almost gave herself to the Morlocks (a group of really ugly ass mutants that have to live in the sewers) to save him and all she got was he heart pulled out of her chest and used as toilet paper. Wolverine talks to Nightcrawler about how Colossus didnt care about Kitty's feelings and Wolverine doesn't respect that kinda shit, bro! It ends with a mutant named Selene sucking the lifeforce out of a homeless man. He's a damn skeleton now man! That's some dark shit! I didn't get that Selene issue until like 15 years later. So I might talk about it but who knows.

FINAL VERDICT: GREAT comic. a great fight. great character development. Just totally fun to read. I recommend this to all! Colossus is a jerk.

The Final Episode #69: The Nanny (1993 - 1999)

 

At first I was thinking of trying to find some erotic show for the 69th episode of this series. I then ran into a few problems, first I didn't really have a great selection. The only show I could really think of was the Red Shoe Diaries. The second problem is it's hard to talk about what is literally a few very soft core erotic scenes. That show was like 30 minutes. It did not have the chance to get as ridiculous as some Shannon Tweed erotic thrillers did (hi FM!). The joke of LOL ITS THE SEXUAL NUMBER and I was doing an erotic show because It would kinda work as a joke. I then gave up on the entire idea because it was a lot easier to just talk about another sitcom.

I don't know why I chose the Nanny of all the sitcoms I could, but I knew I had to get to it sooner or later because I do want to see if I can poorly discuss as many television shows from the past as I can. I didn't want to get to this show because as a kid I thought it was the worst television show of all time. It was also something I would tell people as an adult. The thing is I don't even know if I had seen an entire episode of this show, I just thought her voice was too annoying. The weird thing is that her voice is honestly not that bad. I mean yeah it's nasally and annoying but it's not ear bleeding as I thought. I decided to watch several episodes because I think I may have watched one episode as an adult. What I found out is that little claw has terrible taste if this is the worst show ever made. This is honestly actually a hoot and the episodes were very fun and enjoyable to watch.

So I guess this is another SUPER GIANT SIZED ISSUE of the Final Episode as we talk about some other episodes too. The first episode involved the Teenage girl that Fran is the Nanny of wanting to date a 25 year old man. This is not good for Maxwell Sheffield. Maxwell is the perfect rich person name isn't it? Maxwell doesn't want his 17 year old daughter dating someone in his twenties which is uh the right thing. The Nanny wants to get some sexy times with the 25 year old's friend. This show is very horny. In the end they let her go on a date and they find out that they don't really have anything in common. 25 year old guy didn't even know the Saved by the Bell kids went to College! Personally I'm with the kid I certainly wouldn't date anyone who didn't know that. 

The second episode involves a man Fran dated dying and also some plot about Maxwell not being willing to say he loves her (This show was a whole do they do they not love each other kinda thing) Not exactly rocket science as a plot but I think it might have been the funniest episode of the 6 I watched. The third episode was about a incompetent bank robber well robbing a bank that Fran and her mother were at. Pretty good too. I like the fact that it seems that the relationship between Fran and Maxwell grows over time. It's very nicely done. 

The Final Episode took place in the 6th season and was the 145th and 146th episode. I'm glad they ended it here because in the 5th season, Maxwell and Fran got married. That threw out the whole WILL THEY WONT THEY thing. When the whole main plot of your show no matter what it is kinda gets wrapped up you really shouldn't keep going even if it's still amusing and popular. So they ended it. They ended this starting with something I miss so much. PREVIOUSLY ON! yes! A narrator tells us about all the stuff that happened in episodes before this one. Maxwell ends up becoming a producer for sitcoms based on one of his plays and they move to Beverly Hills.  Niles the Butler wants to marry C.C. who was someone who wanted to marry Maxwell before he married Fran. Kinda like a third wheel to the WILL THEY WON'T THEY thing. The thing is they would always snipe at each other and do shitty things to each other. She ends up laughing in his face. One of the kids wants to get married (and apparently does). One doesn't want to go to college. Fran is also pregnant. Niles the Butler and C.C. end up in bed together! So that's all the stuff you need to know the ending.

The Final Episode was called The Finale and came to us on May 12, 1999. This is clearly intended to be the finale but yet several episodes appeared after this one. This has actually happened before with A Different World which was clearly supposed to be the Finale had several episodes come on after it. When an episode is clearly meant to be the finale I review that. It feels weird not too, but CBS messed up and showed it early. The Final Episode of this show is a two parter and is kind of amazing actually. You know some sitcoms end with the cast moving into a different house. Some end with a baby. Some end with someone getting married. The Nanny does all three of those damn stories! I gotta give ya credit, let's do it all is a sitcom ending I haven't seen yet.

So the Final Episode is a two parter and the first part ends off with Fran feeling ugly because she's gained weight due to being pregnant. Maxwell decides to do a anniversary party to help her feel better. Niles the Butler asks C.C. to marry him again and while she does want too she's still worried about it. She runs off. Fran goes after her and they find themselves in a elevator that stops. I was thinking this was gonna be all taking place in an the elevator but nope. They get them out when Niles the Butler uses his superhuman powers to open the elevator doors to get them out of there, after C.C. says that she will marry him. They end up going to the hospital because Fran ended up going into labor in the elevator.

At the Hospital C.C. talks to a doctor about her vomiting, she thinks it's just nerves about marrying Niles but you'll see. C.C. talks to Fran again and says that she doesn't want to get married without everyone there. So in the next scene everyone is in Doctor gear and she's getting married to Niles. The Doctor comes in and tells C.C. she is pregnant. She and Niles faint. Fran ends up giving birth to a boy and a girl. It's a very sweet scene. It's then when we move to an airport where two of the three children are moving to Paris. Fran does not want this to happen. This kinda feels like "yeah we gotta do something with the kids, eh move em to Paris I guess" and then it goes to the house one last time. All empty. She picks up the case she was using when she first came to the Sheffield house in an attempt to sell makeup. We are then shown a little montage of clips and Fran leaves the house. She comes back to let her grandma out of the closet because her grandma is old and doddering. Her actor is also only 5 years older than her daughter on the show. Wild. We then leave with everyone going to Beverly Hills.

FINAL VERDICT: I actually liked the idea of doing all the usual sitcom endings at once, it just feels a little muddled at times. Like they didn't know what to do with the kids so they had them go to Paris. I dunno, maybe that was mentioned in other episodes in season 6 but it seems like it was a last minute thought. Still not bad, enjoyable enough way to end a tv comedy. I'm glad I did this instead of Red Shoe Diaries.

Comic Review #49: Amazing Spider-Man #436 (1998)

 

Has it really taken me 49 reviews to finally discuss a Spider Man comic? You could argue that Marvel Team Up was a Spider-Man comic but I consider it a Team Up comic because well 1.) not every issue had Spider-Man in it and EVERY issue was well duh a Team Up. No, I don't truly believe that counts. The Darkhawk issues with Spider-Man in them also don't count because they are a team up. I've definitely talked about Spider-Man on this blog because he's my favorite super hero period, but it's still taken me 49 reviews in this silly little column on my silly little blog, I knew I had to talk about some good Amazing Spider Man stuff.

I picked this era that took place after the second Clone Saga story. You know the one people all know about. That was a sequel to a story from the 1970s. I think most people know that but I felt like I had to mention it. Ben Reilly had given up his life to stop the original Green Goblin who had been brought back to be the mastermind of the Clone Saga. This is when I really started to pick up new issues of Spider-Man. I don't know I guess something about these comics called to me and I used to have a lot of them. Sadly it seems most of them have gotten away from me and man I need to pick them up again. This era only lasted two years from 1997 to around 1999. Marvel was putting out five Spider-Man comics at the time. Spectacular Spider Man, the weirdly bi-annual Spider Man Unlimited (which I always forget about) Sensational Spider Man, Spider-Man and the original series Amazing Spider Man. The Spider-Man comics from this short lived era were amazing. They ended on a pretty poor note which I've still not read in full but what I've heard just makes me go "what?" and I've read more comics than most people should. It takes a lot for me to go "what?" to a comic book. 

There were about 90 comics published between those 4 series between 2 years and every single one of them is at least pretty good. This is probably the best a series like Spider-Man ever got. Yes people those Todd McFarlane issues had great art but the stories fucking sucked shit. Let's finally admit that Todd McFarlane is good at the art but his creative ideas are lame. Spawn fucking sucks. Let's finally just admit this. It'll be good for all of us. I'll go over the creative teams because I plan to discuss each and every one of these stories. This era ended when Marvel thought they weren't making enough money so they went with John Byrne to reboot the stories. This effetely killed my interest in Spider-Man for at least a few years, because while John Byrne may have been amazing in the 1970s and 1980s, he was very hit or miss in the 1990s and Spider-Man was one of those insane misses. I think I picked up a few issues and just gave up. It was the first time I just gave up on comics until I found the store I go to now in 2003. That reinvigorated my love for this stuff. I guess I would have rather have that copy of New Years Evil on VHS from Allan's Video instead of A Spider-Man comic made by John Byrne and Howard Mackie (I really feel this guy got the shaft and had to just write stories Johnny boy didn't want too)

I don't want to come off as a John Byrne basher because I really do love a lot of his work. I just thought those Spider-Man comics were not worth what they were replacing. What they replaced where fantastic fun comic books that everyone should give a read. They were solid tights and fights comics that I still enjoy re-reading. This comic has a few problems but I overall still like it. I'll get to those issues after I recap this issue. 

So This comic was done by Tom DeFalco, a guy who wrote for a bunch of Marvel and DC characters and was ALSO Marvel's editor in chief from around late 1987 to sometime in the early 1990s... I want to say 1993 or 1994. I forgot to mention that and I should have. The artist is Joe Bennett who started work in the 1990s and is still doing work today. I love the work he does for this comic but I love the stuff he's doing for the Immortal Hulk even more. That's a comic I will talk about but only during my Halloween Super Spectacular that I will start in September because there's a ton of stuff I want to talk about and I want to discuss them as soon as possible. Joe is a pretty great artist and I like his work a whole lot.

This comic starts with Spider-Man fighting one of the two new-ish foes that Tom DeFalco had created for his (second) go around on Spider-Man. This guy is the Black Tarantula. He's a South American criminal mastermind behind some kind of criminal gang that's been going on for centuries. Seeing as he mentions how the father gives the son the power of the Black Tarantula. Black Tarantula is a tough cookie and unlike say BloodDeath or KillMan or another throw away 1992-1995 Spider-Man character is that he actually gets a good enough back story to make you go "Yeah I can see why he's beating the piss outta Spidey". Characters like BloodDeath come up and just beat Spider-Man and usually barely have an origin. His design also helps a lot. You can tell this is a dude that even a hero more powerful than Spidey would have trouble with. I dunno maybe it's just nostalgia and I like Black Tarantula more than BloodDeath. He also has a little person henchmen with weird gadgets. I like that guy too.

He and Spider-Man fight until we flash back to what brought Spider-Man here. He's talking to his wife Mary Jane Watson-Parker and people can complain that Peter Parker is a nerd and shouldn't get a supermodel wife or whatever but Peter is fuckin jacked. Look at him! I don't care what naysays say about these two but I LOVE them together. Mary Jane is pissed because Peter wants her to go stay with her sister because he found a photo at a crime scene of three women and Mary Jane is one of them. One of the others is Marina Caches. Which turns out to be the Black Tarantula's wife and his son Fabian! Holy heck. 

Mary Jane goes to talk to Marina and finds that information out and then a guy named Dante Rigoletto. Yes he's related to the mobster character Don Fortunato that I'm honestly curious about what happened to him. He appeared a lot in this era and I always liked him and his cartoony old man design. He probably died to prove how cool some generic 2000s character no one remembers was. At this place is also the Rose who is arguing with Don Fortunato and was revealed to be JAKE CONOVER one of the 82 thousand people who worked at the Daily Bugle. Spider-Man and the Black Tarantula end up having a really great fight. Most of this comic is a fight until Marina yells at the Black  Tarantula that he needs to decide to ruin his son's life or to continue the legacy. Spider Man then goes "Are we going to finish the fight or are you gonna give up like a gentleman. The Black Tarantula says he has time to be patient and that he will return while leaving. Also Spidey tries to go after him even in his fucked up condition because that's the kinda hero Spider-Man is. I don't believe we've seen the Black Tarantula since. I would like to see him return. He's a complicated bad guy and I like that.

The two problems I have with this comic is some of the references Spidey makes for his jokes date the comic. I mean it still isn't as bad as say Marville #1 with it's 9,000 AOL jokes because well Spidey has always kinda referenced things but references to Titanic and South Park when it was new kinda date the comic a little. I dunno. Most of Spidey's jokey comments are still pretty great. The big problem is with the Rose just randomly ending up being Jake Conover. That was a on-going mystery and I can't remember how many clues DeFalco had laid for the mystery so it kinda feels like it was like "Damnit I gotta finish this story now because in 4 issues they are gonna screw this shit up" so maybe this will work better when I re-read some of the other issues from this era and don't worry I'm sure I'll talk about them. Still one very minor and one mostly minor issue does not ruin this fun little story. 

FINAL VERDICT: I really like this era of Spider-Man. It was just a shame it was so short and then a new lesser era replaces it. I'm sure I'll talk about some issue from the second Amazing Spider Man comic (yes they rebooted it here for the first time. Woo.) but that won't be for a while. I'm sticking with the talking about comic books from my childhood so that #50 probably won't be an amazing anniversary thing this time.

The Final Episode #68: Dungeons and Dragons (1983 - 1985)

 

From now on every few posts I will be taking a show request from my discord and or Facebook group! That's right! You can now enjoy me talking about something you picked out! For the inaugural show I choose Dungeons and Dragons a Saturday Morning Cartoon from the 1980s. It was a pick from Orville. Shout out to Orville! I like his name and all the memes he posts. He's a pretty swell dude. I would eat a pizza with him. I mean I'd share a pizza with anyone but still it's the thought that counts, damnit! Anyway I picked this show for two reasons, I like it and think it's fun AND I get to complain about something from Twitter. I will post that in the next paragraph.

So a week ago? Time is weird when it comes to people complaining about "woke" stuff, I'll just say a week or so ago, Ernie Gary Gygax Jr supposedly said some racist stuff about Native Americans on a podcast. I don't listen to this podcast because the only thing I care about related to Dungeons and Dragons is the cartoon. And maybe Mazes and Monsters I say maybe with that movie because I haven't actually seen it but it sounds wild. So people got angry at his comments because well it's Twitter. Of course Conservatives ran to defend Ernie's right to yell about those damn Natives. It was a big thing for like half a day and then apparently Ernie apologized for his comments. That's good. Anyway I don't know why I mentioned this shit but yeah here it is. Enjoy. hardcore conservatives have ruined the internet. Not that Web 2.0 was ever that good.

Uh, ok enough comments about twitter and stuff I mostly just posted to annoy Portnoyd/Dave W. It's always a fun time in my comments section. Dungeons and Dragons was created by Gary Gygax in like 1974. It's a fantasy RPG game and that's all I know about it. I've never played this game because it seems to complicated for my dopey ass. I'll just watch the cartoon and maybe Mazes and Monsters. So in 1983 Marvel Productions made their fourth cartoon which was this one. Pretty wild huh? Anyway several people worked on this show Kevin Paul Coates, Dennis Marks and Takashi. They created it and Mark Evanier developed it for TV. Mark Evanier is a name you will hear many times on this blog because that dude had his hand in anything and everything. The Man is a writing machine and always did a good job.

The animation company that worked on this show was Toei animation. That's right the Dragon Ball people. Also the Sailor Moon people. And the Saint Seiya people. Those are the only anime I actually recongize from the big list of animes they worked on. Oh and the Pirate one that's like 12,000 episodes long. I think it's like the longest darn anime out there. I think it finally finished up too, maybe I'll have to talk about that Final Episode because it sounds pretty wild. Anyway Toei animated stuff for Hanna-Barbera, Rankin/Bass, Sunbow, DiC and lastly Marvel. They worked on an insane amount of shows and it would take like two paragraphs to tell you everything they worked on.

I have just HAVE to talk about the voice cast for this series, which is something I honestly should be doing more because well a cartoon isn't very good without voice acting. Anyway This show had a fucking WEIRD voice cast. Yeah it had Peter Cullen and Frank Welker but every cartoon in the 1980s had them in it. That's pretty damn normal. No what's weird is the fact Willie Aames from Charles in Charge and something called Bibleman (yes if I can find any of this show I will discuss it for you on this blog) voiced a character the main hero Hank, the Ranger. Yeah that's some wild shit. I like Willie Aames and the movie Zapped even if Scott Baio is a dope. Don Most, yes Ralph Malph from Happy Days voiced Eric the spoiled douchebag kid, who is also my favorite character. One of the kids from Eight is Enough voiced Presto the Magician who is another character I like. Sidney Miller an old timey actor who started acting in 1931 did the voice for Dungeon Master. I don't know about you but that's a pretty wild cast.

The concept of the show is pretty simple and works very well. While riding a theme park ride six kids are brought to the world of Dungeons and Dragons. Did this happen to other kids prior? or after? I really think it would have been neat for a one off episode where they meet some other kids. Did Dungeon Master pick these kids? Are these questions actually answered within the cartoon and I'm just over thinking a fun fantasy action cartoon from the 1980s? That is probably the right answer. Anyway they have to fight a evil bad guy named Venger and other crazy fantasy things. They also have a unicorn friend. He's a cutie. I like him. 

I remember watching this show being shown on Fox Kids. They would show reruns sometime around 1999 to 2000. It was the last show before the boring horseshit would come on and I would turn on the Super Nintendo and play Donkey Kong Country 3 or something. It's one of those shows where I just remember the INSANE opening theme and not much else. I don't know how much of this show I actually watched but I'm sure I saw a decent amount of it. The crazy ass opening is the best part of the show even if I do like the rest of it quite a bit. You need to check that shit out on youtube as soon as possible!

The Final Episode is not the one that's on some DVD set that's just people doing a script read. No what the Final Episode is the one that actually aired on television on December 7th, 1985 (No it's not a Christmas related episode. Would you believe that there are three shows that I have wanted to discuss so badly on this silly ass blog that end on a Christmas episode? Weird huh?) and was called "The Winds of Darkness". It starts with the kids having fun swimming in a hot springs when Dungeon Master just pops in and gives them some cryptic talk which they will find out during the episode. I think this was his big thing just being a cryptic asshole and having the kids figure out what the hell his nonsense his stupid ugly ass talks about. Anyway he fucks off and then GIANT FUCKING RED ANTS break out of the fucking hot springs because there needs to be a reason to get the kids to run the fuck away which they do after trying to fight them.

They get into a cave and find a fairy dragon named Amber that immediately takes a liking the Presto the Magician.  She doesn't like Eric. After a bit of discussion and walking they run into another dragon which I will call Frank the Dragon because I forget the silly Fantasy Name they gave the dragon and I like the idea of dragons having people names. So Frank tells them that Queen Tammy (not the actual name but one I've decided to use) has been kidnapped by a greedy king asshole. So it's up to the kids to save the Queen. They easily get into the castle thanks to the Thief's cape that turns her invisible. They then go looking through the dungeon and find the one with the Caged Queen Tammy. Sadly the Evil Greedy King Dickface informs them that their magic wont work here inside this cell. So they are ALL captured. Even Eric and the Unicorn who were a look out. Thankfully Amber escapes and goes back to tell everyone. Sadly she gets seen by King Dickface's men. 

Meanwhile the kids realize that Presto's cap can be put out SIDE the door and used. You'd think King Dickface would get his Wizard to make the ENTIRE Dungeon magic proof but I guess the Wizard is lazy and hates King Dickface. He uses magic to have some fucking termites pop up an eat the damn wooden door. They then go to meet up with the Fairy Dragons at their cave. The Queen tells them about their treasure but that's just when King Dickface comes in to the damn cave and they get trapped in the treasure room. They realize that a mirror in the room can bring you anywhere you want to go because Eric sees the amusement park because he wants to go home. They think of the place Queen Tammy had mentioned earlier and the dragons go flying in. I mean they also get the kids to shove in the treasure that THEY DON'T NEED BECAUSE THEY ARE DAMN DRAGONS. You should you know let the kids escape back home because they SAVED YOUR GREEDY ASS. Man these fairy dragons are honestly kinda worse than King Dickface.

They get the dragons out but they have to break the mirror before they can get back. They get past all of King Dickface's men by having Presto use his magic to make them float like balloons. They leave the cave with King Dickface screaming about how they need to let him down. Fuck King Dickface. The Episode ends with that little turd DungeonMaster being a cryptic little fucker. Man I would have kicked that little fuck right in his stupid face so many times if he brought me to that realm. I guess that's why I'm not in the realm of Dungeons and Dragons. That and the fact the realm is also a cartoon, but still Fuck Dungeon Master. 

FINAL VERDICT: I enjoyed this Final Episode. All the kids get something to do and it's fun to watch them interact. I also found out that one of the writers on this show would also go to write for Batman the Animated Series and Gargoyles. Michael Reaves is his name. That dude is good. Anyway A lot of people who watched this show first run swear the kids get home in the last episode and you'd think they would have because they were so damn close this time. Maybe tell the dragons to fuck their gold and let them get home. There was clearly enough time to save the dragons AND the kids but NOOOO the greedy dragon pricks needed their gold. I hope the kids realize that those dragons are jerks in the end.

Comic Review #48: Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew #6 (1982)

 

I've decided for the next little while I am going to review comic books that I had owned as a wee baby child. I collected Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, and X-Men so expect them to show up. I also ended up owning Archie and all kinds of other stuff. I didn't do much DC because Batman barely ever showed up in the comic sections of my local book store. Either that or they'd get bought out so quickly. I thought the rest of the DC Universe was "gay" because I was a dopey ten year old in 1995. Expect a lot of bronze and late 80s stuff because I would pick that stuff up the most. I will probably talk about some stuff made in like 1998 because that was a great era for a certain hero! I got a special TMNT comic coming up too! And some Simpsons! It'll be a fun time for everyone maybe even portnoyd. Probably not because he's a negative jerk.

I've also wanted to talk about this comic series for some time because I've gotten several issues now as an adult and I think they are wonderfully fun and charming and goofy. I'm pretty sure I got this in a 3 pack with Secret Wars II #8 (yes I'm sure I will read the entire story one day) and some other comic I can't remember. Any DC stuff that was in my collection was from these 3 packs. I think one of them was a Blue Beetle comic. It seriously wasn't much because sometimes I'd always try to see what all 3 comics were and only get packs where I was at least interested in two of them. I like how I can turn a simple memory in to a boring paragraph. I'm the best!

I must have read this comic quite a bit because it's stuck in my mind for the past 26 years (time flies when you're havin' fun!). I mostly remember the cover because it's pretty damn wild. The Zoo Crew having their asses kicked by the BUNNY FROM BEYOND. Anyway I think before we get to far into this thing I should talk to you fine people about who Captain Carrot and the Amazing Zoo Crew were. Well they first debuted in New Teen Titans #16 in 1982. Created by Rascally Roy Thomas and Scott Shaw! It stars Roger Rabbit (no really) a cartoonist who becomes Captain Carrot! The Zoo Crew were made up of Yankee Poodle, Pig-Iron, Fastback (can you guess what animal is the fast character??), Rubberduck (his alter ego is Byrd Rentals. I love it) and Alley-Kat-Abra the magic user! They were funny animal characters that fought crime as well you can tell. The stories took place on Earth-C and I miss when DC Comics had alternate earths. Getting rid of them was no good.

Now let's talk a bit about the creators because well that's what I usually do Roy Thomas was a fan first and even had an zine out there called Alter Ego in the 1960s and that he brought back. I have a few issues we will probably review them! Why not! I enjoy spewing my thoughts on things to an uncaring internet. Anyway he became Stan Lee's right hand man in about 1965. He then go to write for the  Avengers, X-Men, Conan, got them to do a Star Wars comic, and the concept for What If? So Roy's got some stuff behind him. He moved to DC in around 1980 I believe and did All Star Squadron which is a great comic book. I like Roy. I think he does good comics most of the time. Scott Shaw! has worked in comics and cartoons. Like the Flintstones and The Completely Mental Adventures of Ed Grimley (yes the Martin Short character got his own short lived cartoon and yes I'm sure I'll discuss it) and in comics on Sonic the Hedgehog as the first artist for that comic! I like his art in this comic quite a bit. It's very cartoony and that works for this comic.

I think it's finally time I get into the actual comic book here and now because why not? This comic starts off with them talking about what happened in the last part. Yes this is a two parter and I'm only reviewing part two because that's the one I had as a kid. I also forgot that it was a two parter. The prior issue involved fighting alien egg yolks from Easter Bunny Island (I told you the jokes in this comic were goofy!) and they learned that there were more alien egg yolks in Washington and that Baron Von Vermin was behind it. He's a Ratzi. You know a Rat that's also a Nazi. He had found the alien egg yolks before. They all stop the Egg Yolks from harming people and the president Mallard Fillmore. They then go back to Easter Bunny Island to help find a coffin that contained THE BUNNY FROM BEYOND. They are doing this because they think that he'll get rid of the Egg Yolks. I mean he does do that but he also turns Baron Von Vermin into a rock statue. Oh this comic also has Oklahoma Bones and Whipley the snake that acts like a whip. I think he's a chipmunk or something. Anyway he's Indiana Jones as an animal and he was pretty big in part one of this story I'm guessing but he kinda gets thrown to the wayside in this one. I did feel like I had to mention him though.

Captain Carrot and the Amazing Zoo Crew don't like that they turned Baron Von Vermin into a rock statue because they are for justice and feel that people should get a fair trial. They fight the BUNNY FROM BEYOND and he is not a fan of that so he quickly beats the crap out of them all and puts them in his spaceship which materializes out of nowhere. They are all put in capsules that will keep them from using their powers. Like Alley-Kat-Dabra is stuck in a capsule that plays nothing but disco music. I found that amusing despite the fact I like disco music. It's radder than you think jerks! Anyway Captain Carrot needs to eat a super Carrot to get his powers and he turns back into regular old Roger Rabbit. As Roger Rabbit he tries to mess with THE BUNNY FROM BEYOND and gets his butt kicked. He then decides to eat another carrot and become Captain Carrot while THE BUNNY FROM BEYOND isn't looking. He gets a good hit on him and then twists the two antennas on his head around and when the BUNNY FROM BEYOND goes to use them he blows up. I guess THE BUNNY FROM BEYOND doesn't get a fair trial. Just death.

This comic also has a second story which I shall tell you all about because why not I want to make this the longest review I've ever done because I think that's funny. The second story starts sometime after this story but before the next issue. It has Captain Carrot run-flying around. It's weird and hard to describe really. It's funny though. I like that. He's talking about how he needs his Cosmic Carrots to turn into Captain Carrot and how he should be careful about the carrots being eaten by anyone else. He goes back to his job. We go to the same building and find a Mole janitor who got fired for literally jabbing that thing you use to pick up paper into his boss's foot. He then ends up eating a Cosmic Carrot and turns into DIGGER O DOOM. I don't know why he's now Irish but hey. Digger O Doom then decides to go after his bosses because he didn't know his foot was there! Of course Captain Carrot and Digger O Doom fight until Digger O Doom loses the power from the Cosmic Carrots. There's not much to describe with this little story but it's still a fun addition to the overall comic. 

FINAL VERDICT: I enjoyed this comic as a kid and was one of the few DC comics that I did. I still enjoy this comic as an adult. It has lots of fun action, art and is a good pick up for your collection. I don't think I paid more than a dollar for my copy and any of the issues I have. I might even come back to this series for more reviews but I got like 320,000 things I've already talked about doing first. I'm gonna be a busy boy!

The Final Episode #67: Donald Duck (Family Planning - 1967)

 

I had fun when I discussed The Final Looney Tunes Cartoon of the Golden  Age. I even had fun yelling at how much I hate Casper The Friendly Fucking Ghost. I don't know why I haven't done more Final Episodes on the Golden Age of Animation but I have a lot of stuff that I want to talk about. I literally want to talk about at least every damn thing that ended between 1960 and 2000. It's a lot of stuff. Even stuff that only had 13 episodes. I'm weird and I like doing this so I've decided to discuss the Final Donald Duck Cartoon today. I decided to do it because Donald Duck is my favorite Disney Character.

I won't be doing an entire damn look through of everything Disney did because I will be returning to this well again and again, but during this little look at Donald Duck I found out that there was a 30 year gap between Mickey Mouse cartoons. The Final Golden Age Mickey Mouse Cartoon happened in 1953. That's like 19 or 20 years before the Golden Age of Animation ended. That's quite a bit of time man. I just find that interesting. The Final Disney Cartoons of the Golden Age involved Donald Duck, Goofy, Uncle Scrooge and Winnie the Pooh. I'll save what the Final Disney Cartoon Short of that era was until I decide to talk about it. Or you could just look it up on Google and RUIN THE SURPRISE. I bet some of you will do that now. Jerks.

Donald Duck is fucking hilarious. I was given a Chip N Dale cartoon cassette when I was a child. I'd like to own all those VHS tapes but I'd also like to have some where to place them so people can go "WOW YOU REALLY LIKE TO WASTE MONEY" and I'll be like "Yeah, I don't know what will happen when I die so I might as well enjoy spending it. So shut up jerk" I don't know why I make the fake people I talk to so antagonistic. And also don't know why I make myself so antagonistic. Either way, Uh. back to the VHS tape my uncle bought me in like 1985 for my birth. It had two great cartoons in it. One called The Lone Chipmunks, which I think is actually the last Chip N Dale cartoon so I won't say any more. The other was called Chips Ahoy which is one of the best Donald Duck AND best Chip N Dale cartoons. Ever. There's one scene that will forever crack me up whenever I think of it or see it. It's beautiful.

Anyway Chips Ahoy was the last regular Donald Duck cartoon. You know one with an actual plot. The rest were PSAs. One was about math. one was about fire safety. one was about accidents in the home and another one was about work accidents to make sure your dumb ass doesn't hurt yourself. One which I actually thought was the last Donald Duck cartoon was about Littering. One was about The Steel Industry called Steel and America about the manufacturing of well Steel.  One is about who may have created the Wheel and what the Wheel does. The Final Cartoon however was about Family Planning. Yeah the 1960s was a weird time for Donald Duck. Uh so Family Planning was a joint production by Walt Disney Productions and The Population Control. 

It starts with Donald Duck trying to put together one of those art stands for painters. I'm sure it has a name but I also don't care enough to look it up. I think you can tell already that this is gonna be one of those Final Episodes that I don't really like very much and feel it was a failure. So that's kinda pretty sad ya know? Donald of course messes it up and gets angry. The animation isn't all that great and clearly it's more about Family Planning then creating wild comedy for children. Paul Frees of like 92,000 cartoons and voice over jobs does well the voice over where he talks about how wonderful Family Planning is. I'm pretty sure this was just made for parents because this cartoon talks about death and poverty and people dying in some pretty fucking wild ways and some art (like actual seriously drawn stuff that is probably the best drawn stuff in  the cartoon) would have freaked me out at like 7 years old. I guess Les Clark who was the first of Disney's Nine Old Men still had something in him but that's like the only scene that I liked because it was pretty well drawn.

They talk more about Family Planning and I wish I had just pretended that Chips Ahoy was the last Donald Duck cartoon even though it really wasn't. This wasn't even theatrical. I don't even know how the hell you viewed this cartoon. Did you go to a Family Planning clinic? This cartoon is just depressing and it feels like Donald Duck was just shoehorned into it. I wonder if the rest of the Donald Duck PSA cartoons were like that. I'm gonna go ahead and guess yes because PSAs are weird like that. I like that I get to bring this to you because I think it's pretty weird and people should know about it. I just don't think it's fun weird like Webster. It's weird but also kinda dull. Weird doesn't always mean a good time people.

FINAL VERDICT: The next time I do a Final Golden Age of Animation Cartoon look back I must find one that's actually pretty good because this really isn't. Donald Duck was in like 128 cartoons and  I doubt any of them were as bad as this one. The Final Casper cartoon was better than this. Yeah I said that. I was very disappointed but it's still kinda interesting to find out what was the last one. I don't know what character or studio I plan to do next but we will find it all out.

Comic Review #47: United States of Captain America #1 (2021)

                       

I've been excited for this comic since it was announced. I'm a fan of big Anniversary stories. I'm a fan of like every Captain America on the cover. They are all great characters as Captain America or The Falcon or USAgent or Bucky or whatever. I thought the new Captain America inspired minority characters were really cool looking. I put those two words in fancy text because angry people from the internet who don't read comics but still call themselves comicsgate are angry about "wokeness" and how these characters were gonna replace Steve Rogers despite Marvel Comics doing the Legacy Character thing better than DC nowadays. How about we not leave Wally West in the dust, DC? He's a good character too damnit. You pricks. Whenever comicsgate gets mad about a comic you can get excited about it because it's actually going to turn out pretty good. The comics they make. Not so much. Maybe I'll write about one of their crap piles. I dunno.

The day this comic came out even more conservative crybabies got angry about it. They got angry over the fact Captain America got disillusioned over America and the American Dream. Wow. You know the thing that happened in the 1970s when He literally quit being Captain America because Richard Nixon was the mastermind behind a cult who wanted to take over everything. It's pretty wild. Not to mention other times but that's still the most famous. These people will always amuse and enrage me. It's quite sad. Anyway it's time for me to discuss this comic and was it worth the time to read, and I'll say yes and that I enjoyed both stories within this comic and I will regale them to you with great enthusiasm!

This is the first comic book I've read by Mr. Christopher Cantwell, and he uh has an unfortunate name. I won't say why but you can easily look him up and find out why. He's a pretty new guy with very few comic books under his name. His Iron Man ongoing didn't seem that interesting to me so I didn't pick it up, now I might end up picking up an issue and seeing what it's like because I was a fan of this comic but who knows. I've already got enough comics to read. Which is like 12,000. I do like Iron Man though. The art is done by Dale Eaglesham and he's a pretty great artist and I like his stuff. I'm not very good at the art criticism side because I just know what I like and what I don't. I'm not going to go DUR THE ANATOMY IS WEIRD or whatever crap hoity toity art nerds too. I just like his work. It's cool and good.

The story starts out with Steve Rogers thinking about how much America has changed since 1940. Thinking about does he have a place within America. Thinking how America treats a lot of people poorly and how that's terrible. You know things the character usually thinks about. OK, that will be the last pokey comment at people. When a mother fucker dressed like Captain America pops into the room and fucking steals his shield. Just outta fucking nowhere holy hot damn. It's pretty awesome. Captain America contacts the Falcon and he watches where the guy goes. Captain America is off on the road. During the search the Evil Captain America fucks up a train station and Captain America has to help a damn train brake AND then get the people off the train. He jumps out at a shadow that resembles a Captain America but it's not Evil Captain America but actually Captain America of the Railways! A gay teenager who has been helping people on the railways of America.

This is the one thing I didn't like about the comic and it's when Captain America the real Original Big Man literally says he will beat this kid up if he doesn't get an answer on who he is. I do not like that one bit. Captain America wouldn't do that and I don't like it. That's about it. They are shot at by a sexy lady. Comics do need more sexy lady assassins. The comic ends with Captain America The Real Original Big Man and FalconCap deciding to suit up and kick some ass. They are gonna find that sexy assassins and that stupid jerk Evil Captain America. And meet up with some of the new people inspired by him that they were told too by Captain America of the Railways.

So let's talk about the Captain America of the Railways origin story. It's a pretty simple short little story that involves him being kidnapped by the evil company ROXXON who wants slave labor. ROXXON is another thing that these totally big comic fans that were angry about this story would be angry about if they actually read comics because they are like the most evil corporation of all time and you know these guys love corporations all of them. Yeah I said I wouldn't be pokey but I lied. Fuck that It's my damn blog sonny. Uh so he meets a guy there and he decides that he doesn't want to be a fucking slave for a piece of shit corporation he decides to dress up as Captain America and kick some ass. I like that his shield is just a trash can lid. Lol. Anyway this ends with him kissing the boy he talked too. Aw a nice sweet way to end this comic book.

FINAL VERDICT: I enjoyed this comic and I hope that the other 4 issues are just as good. I cannot wait for the rest of these issues and I hope the next Captain America ongoing is good too because I am now hyped up for some Cap action. 

The Final Episode #66: Thundercats (1985 - 1989)

 

Alright! It's the big 200! That's right I've done 200 posts on this blog. It's time to discuss some history of my time talking about stuff on the internet via websites. I had a website about the NES. I won't type the name because it's honestly really stupid. It no longer exists because I deleted it. It was bad. I worked with another person who now hates me on a website called KRAP. It got hacked. We tried to bring it back a few times and none of them really worked. I had another blog where I reviewed NES games. I won't link to that because I don't like the work I've done on it. Yeah, believe it or not the closest I've come to actually enjoying the work I put into talking about all this silly shit is this blog. So you can just only imagine how bad those other sites were. Actually they were worse for other reasons. I didn't have my own voice it was just stolen from B from Whatever-Dude.com and done poorly. I can't be salty and silly and sarcastic towards this goofy shit because I genuinely love this stuff. I'm glad I found my voice which is slightly poking fun at this stuff but not being so negative at it. I just wish it didn't take so long.

Enough discussion of my old websites and blogs that you shouldn't care about because they were really bad. It's time to discuss something important and cool because it's the 200th post so it should be something important and cool. So I just had to discuss Thundercats. One of the biggest 80s cartoons. I've already done Transformers and G.I. Joe. I've also done Jem for the girls. I only had 3 "big" 80s cartoons left to talk about. I mean I liked Denver the Last Dinosaur but it sure as hell wasn't a super popular can't get away from it no matter how hard you try cartoon show. The other two are She Ra and He-Man. Oh also Ghostbusters but I can't talk about that for a few months. Gotta save some stuff for Halloween. So I chose Thundercats because I have easy access to the Final Episode. I actually don't have He-Man at the moment and I'd rather talk about that series before I did She-Ra. Why am I telling you this boring shit? Honestly. I don't know.

Thundercats for those not in the known was a tv cartoon made by Rankin-Bass, characters created by Tobin "Ted" Wolf. I think that's the coolest name I've ever heard. That's right the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Santa Claus is Coming to Town people. That's right! They made actual cartoons in the 1970s and 1980s. I think their first was some Lord of the Rings hogwash that I don't care about. Hobbits are stupid and I would only read a story where Conan the Barbarian wrecks the shit outta their little assholes. Fuck Hobbits. Thundercats is the story of a bunch of buff steroid using cat-human people that escape their dying planet to Third Earth. On Third Earth they have to fight a Mummy named Mumm-Ra (he just might be the best 1980s cartoon villain and I don't care what you have to say.) and his henchmen. Sometime later they find a New Thundera which is well the New version of their old planet, duh. Mumm-Ra still bothers them on New Thundera because it's really hard to get rid of a Mummy.

To the best of my memory I did not watch Thundercats but I do believe YTV put it on so I might have watched it. I would hope that I watched it because I'd hate to think that I have better taste in cartoons at age 36 than at age 6.  I did watch some episodes during my downloading shows off KaZza (remember that?) and I thought they were just spiffy. Spiffy is a word that should be used more. Anyway I've seen a bunch of Thundercats, enough to say that I like the Thundercats and think they are cool. The Final Episode was called "The Book of Omens" and was put out on September 29th, 1989. It starts off with Lion-O and Panthro talking about how the fucking planet is going to explode. That's one way to start off a Final Episode.

They then go to where the Book of Omens is and Panthro talks about how there's two ways to open it. One with the Sword of Omens and two with a fancy key. He opens up the key and the Book tells them to put several items back to where they originally were (an oar goes to a lake, a tile goes to the caverns of cold which used to be a nice lush garden, etc) and to present the key to the guardian that lives within the Book of Omens at the 24th hour will save the planet. I don't know what kinda drugs they were on when they wrote that but I want some. I bet it's some potent shit. Lion-O and the gang take no time to go off to their places while Lion-O stays home to meet the Guardian. However what Lion-O doesn't know is that Mumm-Ra had turned himself into a damn bug and stole the key.

Lion-O found out about Mumm-Ra's misdeeds and runs off to his evil base that somehow moved to New Thundera. Mumm-Ra is being bitched out by those cool looking statues that he would talk too and saying that he shouldn't mess with the Book of Omens but he's like "eat my shit you saggy fucks I'll do what I want" and he does. Using the key to escape just as Lion-O gets there. Lion-O has to fight the statues and use the Sword to get into the book. Meanwhile the other Thundercats, Panthro, that piece of shit Snarf, that bigger piece of shit Snarfer, and those shitty kids, Cheetra, some blind guy and some tiger dude are all trying to put their items where they should be. However something is keeping each one of them from doing that. Cheetra and the blind guy were stuck in a cave. Panthro and Snarf were having trouble getting up the weird ass mountain, Wilykit and Wilykat were being attacked by fucking steel pinecones and Snarfer and the Lion (??) Guy have to fight a giant ass motherfucking turtle. All kinds of crazy shit happening to the Thundercats.

Lion-O meets up with the Guardian who well freezes all of the other Thundercats in time. There's a cool effect where everything turns kinda gray-ish to show everyones frozen. It's like one of those old timey sepia photographs. I like those photographs. Mumm-Ra and Lion-O fight and then the Guardian tells them that they are at a stalemate because the key will not destroy the Sword of Omens and vice versa. It would have been nice to mention that before hand you big dickhead. Anyway they decide to settle this the way everyone should settle a problem, by wrestling. They wrestle until it seems Mumm-Ra has been defeated but seeing as he's an evil asshole he calls for the statues to send him some power which they do in the guise of a weird barbarian. He's got like a knights head thing on and a some He-Man like shorts but Lion-O decides to just say fuck it and fight fire with fire and cause these two snake heads to start burning the Knight Barbarian. This show is wild as fuck and I love it. Lion-O of course shows the key to the Guardian at the exact moment and the planet is saved.

Lion-O and the other Thundercats talk about how they can help care for this planet and it's a totally subtle way of telling you how you should care for our planet. We didn't listen though. This planet is gonna be wrecked just like the original Thundera. Pretty sad. Anyway they all talk about how they need to be vigilant against evil and the episode ends.

FINAL VERDICT: BOY HOWDY was this something! I expected this to be a fun episode but holy shit this is a top 10 Final Episodes for sure. Totally better than both the Final Episodes of GI Joe OR Transformers. I didn't expect Thundercats to take that spot but they did. I'm sure I will end up talking about the other animated series Rankin-Bass did in the 1980s called The Comic Strip but that won't be for some time. Anyway watch this episode because it fucking rules.

Comic Review #46: Darkhawk #2-3 (1991)

 

A few posts ago I said I wanted to review every issue of a comic series. To see its up and downs, highs and lows and well it seems I've decided to do it with Darkhawk. I might pick a DC series after this but I need to stop saying "yeah I'll review that" and just review another issue of What If or something. So I'll try to pace myself and review issues of Darkhawk in-between all of the other stuff I plan to discuss. It'll be wonderful and fun. I picked Darkhawk because honestly I enjoyed the 15 issues I've read out of the 50 or so issues and I want to see where this series goes.  Plus I get to annoy portnoyd and that's always fun and I can't wait.

I usually talk about the writers and artists in a second paragraph for the Comic Review but I did that with Darkhawk #1 so I believe I will discuss what happened in that issue. Phillipe Bazin and the Hobgoblin are looking for a item of GREAT POWER. Chris Powell and his family are having a bad time when they find out that their dad has taken money from Phillipe Bazin and ran off. During this event he finds the Darkhawk amulet that Phillip Bazin and Hobgoblin were looking for.  Chris Powell becomes the Darkhawk and fights some of Philip Bazin's men. 

Darkhawk #2 and #3 involve the Hobgoblin. And Spider-Man because why not bring in Marvel's most famous character for a new character. This issue starts with Darkhawk literally kicking the shit out of Phillipe Bazin's men and then pulls him and throws him OUT A WINDOW. He saves Bazin and then tells him to treat him seriously and then the Hobgoblin comes by. They fight until Darkhawk is injured and becomes Chris Powell again. He's worried that if he becomes Darkhawk again he will die. He goes home to a mother that is working too hard because their shitty dad gave up and took the money and ran like a piece of shit. 

He then sees Hobgoblin going to check out the amusement park that appeared in the first issue. Darkhawk's house is also apparently close to Aunt May's house so we see Spider-Man coming out to see whats up with Hobgoblin. Chris Powell sees two homeless men are gonna get crushed and rushes out to save them. He then turns into Darkhawk and realizes the injuries are gone. He helps Spider-Man fight the Hobgoblin but the Hobgoblin gets away. This is the end of issue #2.

Issue #3 opens up with Chris Powell trying to learn the Darkhawk powers better by......blowing up a car... He's kind of a dope but I like that because a damn fire happens because you shouldn't blow up a car that has tons of gasoline in it. It's kinda messed up man. Anyway he puts the fire out and then meets up with two cops who believe his story of the car just getting messed up and let him go. They also mention that his dad is crooked and wonder if they should have let him go. He then is helping cook breakfast in an amusing scene. He is not very good at it and his brothers do not want the lunches he made. I doubt he could have messed up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because I don't think anyone could do that.

He then goes to school and hangs out with his girlfriend and one of his dumb friends sets him off and there's a huge fight and argument and Chris just ends up leaving. Chris then goes to a locker room and hears some dudes talking about Phillipe Bazin and how they are going to join up with him. They even mention where to go because they are stupid teens and also the hero needs to find a way to get there.  He shows up to the joint and while finding that Phillipe Bazin isn't there the guns he's selling can't get out there so he goes in to beat some ass. You know who shows up, yeah it's that fucker the Hobgoblin. So I gotta give some history here. The Hobgoblin was turned demonic by some demon that was messing with the X-Men. I'm too lazy to look up the weird name he had. Then Todd McFarlane decided the demon was a big fan of Jesus because while he can draw he can't write and The Hobgoblin thinks he's the servant of the Lord. He then breaks into two characters The Hobgoblin and the Demogoblin. Comic books are weird.

Spider-Man ends up in the fray, beating up all the gun runners while Darkhawk and the Hobgoblin fight. The Hobgoblin  gets his ASS handed to him and it's fun to see. Darkhawk then tries to kill him and is stopped by Spider-Man. The Hobgoblin escapes and Spider-Man calls Darkhawk a jerk saying he's sick of all these anti-hero types. It's a fun scene. We get a scene with Phillipe Bazin and Hobgoblin. Bazin tells Hobgoblin that Darkhawk doesn't have the powerful item he wanted but it's just an Iron Man suit because of his "scanners" and computer printouts. It turns out Bazin made all that shit up and the second Hobgoblin took it hook line and sinker. Man the Second Hobgoblin is kind of a dope. I'm glad the original Hobgoblin turned him into dust. Then it's back to Chris Powell's house where he gets a phone call with someone screaming BEWARE THE CURSE OF THE DARKHAWK.  Damn we end the issue on that ominous call. 

FINAL VERDICT: I don't know if I will come to regret this but if it gets too bad I can just quit. Anyway as of right now I'm having a really good time and enjoyed these two issues. The two heroes work together. I think Chris' group of friends could be interesting. I'm curious about what the curse of the Darkhawk is. So far, so good!

The Final Episode #65: Disney's Fillmore! (2002 - 2004)

 

I think I need to amend a rule I had put in place for this blog, even though I don't know why I put in any rules but here it is: I didn't really want to review things past the year 2000 because I dunno I wanted this to be a nostalgia blog and most stuff after 2000 holds very little nostalgia for me. I think that rules good for the most part because you don't want to see me talk about some fancy high fluting well reviewed television series that people annoy you about for like its entire runtime to watch. NO PEOPLE I DONT CARE ABOUT DAMN BREAKING BAD SO PISS OFF. You come here to watch me talk about some weird thing from the past or sometimes something you actually remember. I am going to amend that rule to this "I'll review something past the year 2000 if I find it interesting or nostalgic or whatever" I think that works well for everyone because there's a small amount of shows I do want to talk about that I forgot came out past the year 2000.

So Fillmore! came out in 2002 and what I like about some Final Episodes is what I would tell you guys about what was happening in my life at that time, so in 2002 I was 16-17 and I was going to high school for my final year. I would end up quitting that last year and not finishing later with GED stuff or whatever. I finished at a  place called the Murphy Centre. Sometimes I still have nightmares that the Murphy Centre stuff didn't count and I have to go back to High School. I don't like those dreams. I don't even know why I'm telling you this stuff. In 2002 I was into collecting NES games and watching any movie made in the 1980s. I would also get up in the morning to watch Disney's Fillmore! and also Lloyd in Space but I'll get to that show some time soon. I enjoyed both shows immensely. I don't think One Saturday Morning was going on at the time or if there were any other shows on at that point but watching those two was a must. I'm sure if anyone at my school cared about me they might make fun of me but at that point I stopped caring about being seeing as cool or adult. I'll watch my damn cartoons and you can't stop me. Fuckers.

Uh, yeah, I didn't really like High School. or Junior High. Or Middle School. Or any School. Actually I kinda liked going to the Murphy Centre, they had a really nice laid back vibe that was really nice to me. I dunno. It was an interesting experience. Maybe I'll talk about it more when I can. This is not a blog where I discuss my life. It's a blog where I discuss old tv shows and their Final Episodes. Disney's Fillmore was a pretty weird little show now that I think about it. It was a parody of 1970s cop shows down to everything being taken so seriously but it was so ridiculous. Cornelius Fillmore was a bad boy who was given a chance to become a member of the Safety Patrol. He ends up giving a goth girl named Ingrid Third a chance to change her life around. She does any they end up taking on all kinds of Junior High Crimes. It's a very silly and goofy show but it's also very charming and amusing. I'm a big fan of Disney's Fillmore. The show itself ran from 2002 to 2004. Ending in January of 2004. It had a whopping 26 episodes so yes It's one of those shows Port will complain about. I wanted to talk about this show and I am and he can't stop me. The jerk.

The Final Episode of Disney's Fillmore was called "Field Trip of the Just" and this is an episode I do not remember seeing. You'd think I'd see all 26 episodes if I watched this show a lot and even in reruns but I do not have a single memory of this episode. I thought the last episode was something entirely different. I thought the last episode was the one where they go to the museum and someone messes up a painting. That's why I like doing this whole thing, just so I can find out WHAT is the Final Episode was like. If I saw it or not. If it was a good send off or what not. I dunno. This episode starts out with BAD BOY Eric Obern and his friends messing with some kids. He gets his friends to leave and a girl named Alexandria comes up to him and tries to act like a bad girl to get his attention. I think she wants a date. Some jerk comes up to HER and tries to tell her who she should hang out with. It ain't your damn business you little snot. Plus he tries to get her to go to a flute concert. What a fucking nerd. 

Eric Obern is looking after the science class' pet Tarantula, Guilderstern. I guess the teacher is a big Shakespeare fan or something. When he goes in this day BLAM Guilderstern is hurt and theres a big thermos of a weird looking substance worst of all is that he gets caught! It's not looking good for Eric! He's escapes from Fillmore and Ingrid and gets into a truck full of scarecrows. Bolger's Scarecrow Service or something. I think I'll leave why I find that funny to myself. Anyway Fillmore is given an ALL DAY PASS to go after Eric. We learn that the principal had a pet tarantula as a child which helped her through the tough years. Very amusing images of her playing with her tarantula. At least I thought they were.

It turns out that a Truant Officer that still has a grudge towards Fillmore is on the roads and captures Fillmore allowing Eric to get away. Meanwhile back at X Middle School Ingrid Third is talking to people and finding out that Eric is a straight A student whos only a bad boy to keep his friends that he's been friends with since kindergarten. Fillmore finds out that Eric is going to the Animal Hospital Guilderstern is at. Fillmore thinks its to finish the job. He finds Eric in Guilderstern's room and they go on a fun chase where Eric gets away on a camel. Also during the chase a goat gets Fillmore's all day pass! He gets out the door just to find the Truant Officer jerk coming back for another go at Fillmore. He has found out that the All Day Pass was real and that as long as Fillmore has it he's good. He tries to get Fillmore to show it to him again and oh shit Fillmore is in trouble. He jumps behind a portable table thing? You've seen these things before but I don't know what they are called! I don't work at a animal hospital you jerk!

Fillmore sneaks into a closet and waits till it's safe. However he dropped a picture of Eric AND his back up walkie talkie and guess who finds it. That's right the Truant Officer Jerk. Fillmore finds out about the one and only place that sells the stuff that was poured on Guilderstern. It's at a place called Elliminatrix. Fillmore goes there to find Eric but they both only find the Truant Officer Jerk. They get his tie stuck in a filing cabinet and he goes "Why didn't I wear my clip on!!!?" I dunno I laughed. They are found by a doberman dog and at that point it goes to what would have been a commercial in 2002. We see Fillmore on the phone with Ingrid and she's telling him that Eric is a A plus student and a animal lover we then see Eric playing wit the doberman that was there to eat their faces. Fun scene. He then leaves Fillmore back there and goes off back to X to confront the real prep. You see during all this a guy comes on the loud speaker and says his last name is Gravel. This makes Eric realize who did it. Fillmore gets filled in.

Who did it you might ask? It's not the Flute Jerk, no it's Alexandria. That's right because Eric was pretending to hate the Tarantula, Alexandria took it on her self to make it sick but poured too much on it. Fillmore and Ingrid hear her confession but even though Eric tries to take the blame Alexandria runs off. Kids dressed up as states have been filling the halls and they bump into one dressed as Texas and he yells "NO ONE MESSES WITH TEXAS" I laughed at that. What? It's funny. Go to hell, port. Alexandria ends up getting caught and is punished. Eric tells his friends about all his good deeds and they are willing to be tutored! Best of all Guilderstern is safe. 

FINAL VERDICT: Revisiting this show was a blast. Orlando Jones, 3J from Family Matters was great as Fillmore. So was Tara Strong as Ingrid Third. Horatio Sanz voiced a character but I'm going to assume he was terrible because he's like a very low tier SNL guy. Port probably loves him. Also the most famous movie he was in was Boat Trip and if that doesn't say everything you need to know about him than I don't know what will. 

Comic Review #45: What If #34 (1992)

 

When I started this blog I would do three mini reviews of three different comics. I had chosen What If and called them What If Wednesdays. I don't really like those reviews because reviewing more than one thing at one time feels lazy most of the time. Like I'm sure I could have had a lot more to discuss with each and every one of those stories, so I'm sure you will see them redone for your amusement. I don't know when or how but I do plan to try to review a What If comic every Wednesday. Also I had an ongoing thing for DC's equivalent of What if's Elseworlds, I plan to incorporate them into the Comic Review. I want this Comic Review thing to have so many reviews that you'll go 'Wow thats a lot of comic discussion" then you read them and go "Wow thats a lot of poorly constructed comic discussion" and you'd be right!

I got a pretty interesting little comics writer for the main story (the only one of the two that is actually memorable) Scott M Gimple. Who worked with Disney, Simpsons comics and The Walking Dead. He was born in 1971 and is 50 years old now. He created the Disney cartoon Fillmore! which will totally be discussed on The Final Episode because that show was a damn hoot. I'll wait for that Final Episode to discuss it! It might bypass my no shows past 2000 rule but I'll break that anyway because It's my blog and I can do whatever I want. Anyway there are about 52 artists doing parts of this comic magazine so I don't think I'll be picking just one to discuss. Sorry art men!

As you can tell from the Watching doing the Marilyn Monroe pose from that movie I never watched because it didn't have a giant monster or Richard Pryor in it yet I still know that scene. It's weird how that works out. It's much less sexy with the Watcher in Marilyn Monroe's spot, unless you are into blankless eye big headed men with greek robes. If thats your thing well good for you but I certainly don't understand it. Anyway you can tell this is a humor issue and oddly enough issue 34 of What If Vol 1 was also a humor comic. And it was funnier. 

The Scott M. Gimple story involves Galactus being turned into a human being who looks like Elvis Presley circa the 1960s and everyone believes he is Elvis. I guess Thanos was being nice when he used the Infinity Gauntlet to turn Galactus into Elvis. Is Thanos a Elvis fan? I like to think he is because it actually amuses me to see him trying to dance like Elvis. This is not a bad little story and has a few cute amusing moments but it just up and ends when Adam Warlock just gives Galactus the okay to stay as Elvis. Isn't Galactus like a big thing that needs to stay around in the Marvel Universe? I'm pretty sure thats the case. It does end with this great image:

The Watcher there in some fancy flannel makes the best thing ever. This is pretty much the reason I will tell you to buy this comic because the rest is pretty bad. I think this story with an ending that just doesnt feel like it popped out of nowhere and was a bit longer it would have been great instead of decent. That's just me though. The other story in this comic is a weird one involving Spider-Man and Mary Jane Watson-Parker having a baby spider that's this weird grossly drawn thing. Spider-Man has to take care of the freak baby and also fight crime. The baby helps him beat the bad guys. There that's the story. It's not funny or good.

The rest of this book is just one panel things which was what the first book was about just the first one had better gags for the most part. The original book had one that was like What if Wonder Man was a woman and Power Man was a girl? and there was a cease and desist letter from DC comics right in the middle of the thing. It's a nice little gag. The gags in this comic were like WHAT IF HOWARD THE DUCK WAS A VULTURE? clearly they threw some jokes together at the last moment and only one of them works, at least works for me. I'll post it here because why not.

I would totally buy a comic series with Punisher's family but it HAS to include Bullets the Wonder Pup.

FINAL VERDICT: I really can't say much because I'm sure someone out there thinks these one panel gags are hilarious but I really do not. So this comic pretty much fails. It has one amusing story and an amusing cover at most which is more I can say for What The?! Marvel's humor comic of the time. I really should discuss that one. and Not Brand Ecchh and Crazy Magazine. I have so many comic books to review and so little time. Anyway have a good day.