NES Game Reviews #48: Heavy Shreddin with the Harlem Globetrotters and Heroes of the Lance Vs. Hatris's Heavy Barrel

 

The H's are here. The H's are also probably the worst overall letter for NES games. I really don't know how to open this blog post. Most of these games are not going to get very good reviews from this reviewer at least. So I guess we really get to these six games.

 I am the last and I mean last person to review any sports game. Seriously the last person you should ask anything about sports. I am pretty sure I know Babe Ruth because of the Sandlot. I did not think the Harlem Globetrotters were even real for a good portion of my life. I thought they were made up for that one joke in the Simpsons. I didn't learn they were actually real until I found out about the Gilligan Island movies and was like oh that's cool. Seriously I do not know sports, the rules to sports or any of this stuff. I however can tell you that this is a very slow, boring and not fun basketball game. Sports games seem to be the most fun the faster they feel and this game is just a slow mess of shit covered in piss. The graphics are dull, the music is forgettable and there's a reason I don't think GameTek made any other games outside of the game show genre. I do not like basketball but I respect the Harlem Globetrotters. They were friends with Gilligan!!!!!

 The Russian Guy who Created Tetris is weird (I didn't want to misspell his name so he's now known as this forevermore) he's one of those guys who came out of the box swinging. That's not the saying I was looking for but it will do well enough. Seriously Tetris is a 10/10 video game masterpiece. Its one of the most iconic games ever made. It's like making Casablanca as your first movie or something. EVERYTHING you make after this will be judged very harshly after you come out with a masterpiece on your first go. Hatris is a fine game. It's very enjoyable and fun and I enjoy matching up the hats. It's biggest problem is that it's Big Brother Tetris is you know FUCKING TETRIS. I am also pretty good at Tetris and not so good at Hatris. I'm glad The Russian Guy Who Created Tetris made games that weren't Tetris as they are honestly still pretty good games it's just you kinda shot yourself in the foot by putting out your MASTERPIECE first. Still this will probably be the only game I give a GOOD rating too.

 Heavy Barrel is a game I beat for the NES BOUNTY. For anyone who somehow finds this post the NES Bounty was a thing THE NES SCENE crew did in like 2020 to like 2023 on Discord where we tried to beat as many NES games as we could. Six random games would get put up and I turned into the most insane crackhead because of this. I did beat a lot of games for it, actually I think I beat the most games for it. We got to like 540 or so games. It was nuts. Heavy Barrel is one of the NES games I played to completion for it. It was a game I played from time to time to try and beat it and finally did for the NES BOUNTY. It is a very okay game that I think could have been better if they did two things. Give your guy a life bar and make him just a tad faster. You get limited continues and damnit they should just give you unlimited continues for this old hard ass NES games.  You get a bunch of different levels and places to go. Different kind of enemies and a few different kinds of ammo to shoot. It's a simple game with simple graphics and music I do not remember at all. It's a very OKAY game that could have been pretty great with some fixes. Still yeah let's go.

 This is one of like three skiing/snowboarding games on the NES. You have Ski or Die and Slalom. I wanted to save my feelings on those games until I get to them but I will say this. This is the worst of the three. Somehow the graphics and music and controls are WAY worse than those other two. This game is just kind of slow too. It's also weirdly addictive. I don't know why either because it's sluggish and ugly and not much fun. But whenever I turn this game on. I'm always trying to get farther in it. I'm gonna put it in the BAD pile despite that because I don't like playing it all that much. Oh well.

 

Oh hey it's Dungeons and Dragons. We are back talking about FCI and some really awful NES games. I don't know anything about Dungeons and Dragons except that I enjoyed watching the 1980s cartoon series. That's it. You make up a game and play it with a Dungeon Master which sounds like a weird sexual thing. Like something involving those BDSM guys. Smacking and hitting each other. DURING THE SEXY TIMES. It takes different strokes to move the world guys. Alan Thicke even told us. Whatever happened to Robin Thicke and everyone getting angry about his song. Remember that? I like getting angry over pointless things. Oh wait no I don't. Anyway this is the worst of the NES Dungeons and Dragons games. You get a bunch of characters and they are all useless as fuck. Fighting enemies is the shittiest thing in the world and you really should just try to avoid them whenever you can. That's not good for a you know VIDEO GAME. The other problem is the really really really dull looking backgrounds in this maze game. Everything looks so fucking similar that you have to really pay attention or just use a fucking video guide because it's 2026. Once you know what to do this really shitty game only takes 15-20 minutes to beat. Portnoyd beat it for the NES Bounty and I don't know how he did it. I think everyone (except Strx and Ratix who had like 30) had one "fucking what" game we beat. My game was the Terminator. Holy shit do I have things to say about that game when we get to it. Jesus fuck. Anyway Heroes of the Lance sucks and I feel bad for anyone who liked Dungeons and Dragons because you were considered to be in league with Satan by weirdos with too much free time or you had to play this to get your fix. It's like living within a world of shit. Sad.

 This is a pretty alright pinball game for the NES. Done by Rare based on a Williams pinball game. I watched my mom play some pinball game once. I think it was some movie game. She was pretty good I thought. I don't think she'd be able to do it now. I don't know why I brought this up. This game is as I said fine but it's like Heavy Shreddin. You have a lot of other better Pinball options on the NES. My personal favorite was also made by Rare and is called Pinbot. Pinbot is a better game than this one in EVERY way. Hell I like Pinball the black box game more than this. There's not much to say about this pinball game really and I now have to wait for portnoyd to yell at Rare because he's too much of a SALTY WIMP to beat Battle Toads. It's been several decades now portnoyd, give it up!

 

GOOD GAMES: 135

BAD GAMES: 95

OKAY GAMES/HAVENT AGED WELL: 37

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 5 

NES Game Reviews #47: The G's are Done, No I don't feel like making up some dumb title like GYRUSS LOVES GUNSMOKE IN THE GURREILLA WAR WHILE GYROMITE AND GUMSHOE WATCH IN GUN NAC'S GARDEN.

 

Look at this. Look at this wild Japanese beauty. I think it's some kind of ad for the game. I don't know. It should be put up in better visual quality! Anyway somebody owns this BEAUTIFUL THING and I am very jealous. Anyway yes, we are back to reviewing NES GAMES because well I feel like it and it's my blog. That's pretty much the only reason. I do want to be the ONE MAN COOL ENOUGH to POORLY REVIEW EVERY NES GAME and I'm gonna do it. You will all see a review for every NES game ever! Now here are the last 6 remaining G games. It's a pretty good group of games honestly.

 Let's start it out with a STORY! I remember this game was one of the MANY games that you would see all over the place back in the late 90s/early 00s and into the 00s also. Seriously go to a used video game store BLAM Guerrilla War. Go to a thrift shop BLAM guerrilla war. Go to the flea market BLAM Guerrilla War all at the simple low price of $5. That was the standard really for NES games in Newfoundland. You sons of bitches with your Funcolands where you go in and buy 340 games for $25 WASNT gonna happen here! Anyway I think someone on some message forum said this was a great game so I picked it up and was honestly kind of disappointed when I beat it on the first go. I think I even got into an argument with that person. However before I reviewed this game on 20 or so year old memories I was like LET'S SEE IF I STILL FEEL THE SAME WAY and started up a emulator and played the game through and yes this is a very, very, very easy game. However it's still pretty fun. I guess I'm just getting old and a simple fun game to play is more my speed now. This game is also hilarious as it's about CHE GUEVERA and FIDEL CASTRO and that's hilarious to me. The game has some great music. The graphics and some of the things the game does are really neat. There's two really big guys that you can't actually fight, they just pick you up and throw you around and the effect is actually pretty well done for the ol' NES. It's a fun little game that's worth playing. I dunno what else to say about that.

 I forgot about this games existance. It is a Zapper game from the ORIGINAL BLACK BOX games that dorks jizz and piss their pants all over. I will never understand the OMG ORIGINAL HANG TAB!!!!!! shit they piss shit out of their asses about. How about caring about the quality of the fucking game and not how much money you'll make because of some STUPID PIECE OF SHIT IDIOT WANTING THE ORIGINAL HANG TAB!!!!!!!!!!!! I forgot about this game because thinking about it makes me angry. Not only for the HANG TAB SHIT but because this is a fucking miserable game. I fucking hate Gumshoe for the NES. I think it might be the worst Zapper game on the NES. Actually yes it is. It's also the worst Black Box game. Yeah the sports titles might be worst technically but they don't make me as fucking angry as THIS STUPID PIECE OF SHIT DOES. This game is fucking miserable. You play as a Gumshoe who has to be kept from dying from everything hitting him. Also once you hit him and he starts going up he can't hit the damn fucking ground anymore. This means you have to keep him from hitting any of the RANDOM ASS SHIT that is flying at you. This game is annoying and I don't like it. Fuck you, Gumshoe.

 I wish NES games were all considered dumb and worthless by most people again. I wish all the dumb shit I like to any degree was considered dumb and worthless by most people again. I want nerd culture to go back the way it was. I want YouTube to be a viable source of entertainment again, not one made up of shitty reseller jerks, stupid anti-woke I AM ANGRY AT GAYS AND WOMEN jerks and AI crap. I wish people didn't argue about political GARBAGE onlie. I am just tired boss. I bring all of this up because Gun-Nac is seen more as a OMG THIS IS RARE (and no it isn't. Sorry, I honestly have come to the belief that the only truly RARE NES games are Stadium Events and the Panesian games) AND THAT IS THE REASON I NEED TO OWN IT. SO I CAN SHOW IT OFF and not because I love the thing and just want to own it. Gun Nac should be owned because it's a terrific video game.  If you like ROOTY TOOTY SHOOTY games then Gun Nac is one you MUST own. It's fast and furious and you get all kinds of cool weapons and most of them are fun to mess around with. The game's challenge is fair. It has some really hard moments but it does start of pretty easy. The game has great music and stages and the best thing about it is that it's weird as fucking hell. You shoot a robot bunny in the first damn stage! God bless Japanese weirdness. Down with collecting so you can be like OH HEY INTERNET I HAVE THIS THING BECAUSE I "FORCE COLLECTED" IT instead of looking around places for a copy. I don't even want to look up the going price of this game because It'll make me puke out of my asshole. Go play Gun-Nac it's awesome. 

 I had to look it up today. I was always curious but never bothered until now. Apparently this is NOT related to the television series that ran from like 1954 to 1974 and for like 5 or 10 years on radio behind that. Yeah, there was a time when Westerns were like the Superhero movies of today. All over the place and everyone just going to watch them. Didn't matter what it was they just wanted to see Cowboys. Anyway this game is not related to it and Capcom even put a . in there. I do not know when this game came out but it really might just be the FIRST GOOD CAPCOM game because they did not let the PIECE OF SHIT MICRONICS ASSHOLE make it.  They made it themselves and did one hell of a job. This is a top view Western style ROOTY TOOTY SHOOTY game. You play as BILLY BOB who has to shoot down some CRIMINAL SCUM and save the town. This is a fast paced action game. You got all kinds of guys getting ready to shoot your ass. You can buy things from the towns people. You think they'd just help you for free but I guess they want DAT BLING BLING which costs money. You can buy a horse so you don't die in one hit. You can buy different guns that you lose when you get hit using them. This game is great and I'm glad the MICRONICS MAN was told to GO FUCK HIMSELF. It makes me want to play the Arcade game. Anyway I like the name of the guy from the TV show James ARNESS. He was Peter Graves brother. ARNESS is a fun name.

 You know the ONE thing I really wanted when I was collecting? A Power Glove. I still kinda want one. Oh and I also really wanted a R.O.B. too. I just wanted to CONFUSE YOU a LITTLE BIT by saying a Power Glove. I am a saucy boy. Anyway I never got either when they were at a price they honestly still should be at. I do not believe either are rare enough to be over a hundred dollars each. That's just assinine. I will still get a R.O.B. though. I do not care. I love that guy. He looks like a little Johnny Five and I love that. So I never had a R.O.B. but I did own Gyromite and Stack Up. Two games you have to use the R.O.B. robot to play. I don't know why I didn't put these two games on the back burner like the Power Pad games I have been skipping. I just forgot about them. It's not hard because one of the two R.O.B. games seem like the most boring game of all time. That's Stack Up. Gyromite actually seems like it could be a fun game if I were to get the robot. Oh well, Enjoy this non-review that I will redo when I get my R.O.B. which I will. I will be the weirdo who will wear his Power Glove EVERYWHERE after he gets it. It might have been bad to play games with but man it still looks 1980S FUTURE COOL which is the best kind of cool.

 

This is a great game to end the Gs on and also this post. Gyruss is one of ULTRA GAMES (aka Konami #2) best games. Of course it's really hard to pick when it comes down to it. Ultra Games was a company Konami made up just to make more money and more games becuase Nintendo was like NO ONLY 10 GAMES A YEAR or something for companies. I do not know why they wouldn't want more good games on their console and to tell a company that made GOOD to GREAT games like ALL THE TIME  This is yet another ROOTY TOOTY SHOOTY game but it's done differently than both Gun-Nac and Gun.Smoke. I love how unique ROOTY TOOTY SHOOTIES games can get. This game has you in the background shooting at enemies coming at you. You shoot enough of them and you get to the next stage. Every few stages you get a boss. You have to get from some planet to I think Uranus. ehahahah. Butts. Uh, okay I have to act a little mature now. Hhaha. anus means butt. hahahah. butt. Okay okay. I got that out of my system. Konami or ULTRA GAMES does everything incredibly well like most of the time. The graphics are great for the era, the music is great, everything is great about this game. Makes me want to try to Arcade game. Anyway Gyruss is a very well made game that is worthy of playing.

GOOD GAMES: 134

BAD GAMES:  93

OKAY GAMES:  34

GAMES IMPATIENT: 5

  

Reviewing Movies Based On Television Shows... Woo...

 

I had no internet for two whole days. TWO WHOLE DAYS. I watched a good amount of movies in those two days. I'm not going to review them all but several of them were TV shows movies from the 1990s. It was a big thing to make TV shows and cartoons into movies back then. It started in 1987 with the pretty funny (at least I think so) movie Dragnet with Dan Akyroyd and Tom Hanks. I still have never seen an entire episode of the actual Dragnet show and I don't think I need too. the movie is clearly superior because it gave us the second best white people rap of all time. You can see that here. The best white people rap is clearly this one. That movie must have been a hit because in the next decade you had like 4320429204 movies based on old TV shows. I watched five of them in the past two days and we shall discuss them. I hope you enjoy the image of the old zenith I stole from google. The first tv I ever remember using was a Zenith. 

 The Saint is one of two movies that were turned into AMERICAN MOVIES HOO YEAH AMERICA EAGLE WOOO YEAH EAGLES FREEDOM EAGLE FREEDOM MOVIES from GROSS FOREIGNERS FROM BRITAIN. The Saint was originally created a book/short story character in 1928. They made him into a TV show in 1962. It was one of the first big roles for a SCRAPPY YOUNG BRITISH MAN named Roger Moore. That's right! THE BEST JAMES BOND EVER! This movie is very.....okay. I can't say if anyone was really miscast because I never saw the original show. I lived in Canada in the 1990s not Britain in the 1960s. I do hear good things about the show. Anyway Val Kilmer is uh weird as hell in this movie. He's trying to silly even in the more serious moments. I dunno. Elizabeth Shue plays a cold fission scientist. That's a huge jump from hanging out with the Karate Kid and babysitting children.  Anyway Val Kilmer is a guy who's a MASTER OF DISGUISE and he uses his really goofy disguises to fool some Russian guy. Honestly I've forgotten most of this movie already. It feels like a longer episode of an episode instead of a big budget movie. Like except for some BIG EXPLOSIONS nothing about this feels like a big budget movie of the time. I dunno. I didn't hate my time watching this movie but I wouldn't really recommend it.

 Lost In Space is based on a WOOOOO AMERICA WOOO FREEDOM EAGLE EAGLE FREEDOM WOO tv series from the mid 1960s. 1965 to 1968. I have never seen an episode of it. This movie's kid characters are fucking hilariously 1990s. I mean they are as actual characters kinda boring but you couldn't get more 1990s kids than anything. The girl was like SO TOTALLY IN TO THE MALL!!! and the boy was a SECRET GENIUS who can re-create robots. They are boring characters but also so 1990s so I kinda loved them. The girls story seems to go nowhere, she was angry she had to be in space but seems to like being lost in space maybe? I dunno. Gary Oldman plays the bad guy and he is the reason to watch this movie. He's very entertaining.  The biggest problem with this movie is Matt LeBlanc Le Blac? The fucker who played Joey from Friends. He is NOT a cool badass type hero. No way will I ever believe that. The man is just not good enough as an actor to pull that off. It comes off as annoying and bad. I would say that this movie is probably better than the Saint but I still wouldn't really recommend it. It's not awful but it's not really a necessary viewing. I like that they destroy the COOL 1990S robot and turn him into the GOOFY 1960S robot. At least kinda. I dunno. 

 HOT TAKE ALERT. HOT TAKE ALERT. You will not like this review! According to like every other person who has ever heard of this movie (and not actually seen it) this movie is a bad poopy pile. I am here to tell you that this movie is NOT a bad poopy pile! This movie is actually my favorite of the five. Will Smith is having a great time playing his character. Kevin Kline is having a great time playing his character. Salma Hayek is having a great time playing her character (AND YOU SEE HER BOOTY! THE MOVIE SHOULD HAVE WON AN OSCAR FOR THAT BEAUTY). Kenneth Branagh is having way way way too much fun with his role. He clearly is having more fun than should be legal. It's amazing. This movie is actually incredibly funny and incredibly fun to watch. I loved watching this movie. I laughed so much. It's actually geniunely funny as hell. The giant mechanical spider everyone goes on about is awesome. ITS A FUCKING GIANT MECHANICAL SPIDER JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE LEARN TO HAVE FUN WATCHING A DAMN MOVIE. I don't give a shit what anyone says AND ESPECIALLY PORTNOYD this movie is a good time and is the best movie on this list.

 This is the worst movie I watched of the five. I haven't seen every movie based on a television show but I know that they would have to be really really really bad to beat this one. This movie is based on another British show called The Avengers. These Avengers predate the comic book ones. They started in 1961. They even beat them to the silver screen. The 2012 Avengers movie is much better movie than this one. I have never seen an episode of the TV show BUT I can tell you this is like when your teacher tells you to read White Fang and then write a report on White Fang and you decide to spend your month to get it done by playing TMNT 4 Turtles in Time and watching I dunno Archie's Weird Mysteries instead and on the last day you quickly read two chapters and the back cover and write a report on that. You get a D-. I'm pretty sure you should at least watch some of the show you are doing a movie on. This movie is pretty dull with some weird things just thrown in. Like an invisible man. I get the feeling the tv show is done much better. This movie is also not very well written either. So Sean Connery and "Father" (a member of the Avengers spy program thing) team up to clone Emma Peel (played by Uma Thurman) for......some reason. I do not think the movie ever gives a reason. I guess it was to get her to join up with Ralph Fiennes to stop them???!? Also the only reason Sean Connery has to take over the world is for money. He has a weather changing machine. The episode of Inspector Gadget with a weather changing machine was much better than this. And much shorter. This movie is not funny or entertaining really. Even Sean Connery a man who was lively in EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERFORMANCE HE EVER GAVE was like "no i refuse" in the most scottish way ever. I do not like this movie and I hope portnoyd doesn't try to defend it. I actually doubt portnoyd has even seen any of these movies. Go play TMNT instead. Hell go read White Fang instead. Just do something else.

 The Mod Squad was based on a late 1960s-early 1970s TV series that I have also never seen an episode of. Are you really surprised I've never seen any of the TV show episodes of these shows? Anyway I watched this and I thought it was pretty good and was pretty much worth a watch. It stars a group of pretty likable young actors who WERE ON THE ROAD TO CRIME AND BAD THINGS until DENNIS FARINA comes in and saves them. They start working with the police. Going to places where the police can't easily get too. Dennis Farina is killed and then THE MOD SQUAD have to find out who did it. This is a movie plot you've seen approx. 12,000 times. It's worth watching just because the three leads are very likable and fun to watch. Giovannai Ribisi reminds me of Pete Davidson except he's not terrible and doesn't make me want to puke out of my ass (don't try it kids. it hurts). I will now call him the Good Pete Davidson. Anyway I have the least amount of things to say about this movie execpt I wanted so badly to go on the internet and look up the name of two random cop actors. You've seen both of them play cops in like approx. 12,000 movies. said actors are this guy and this guy and now that I know who they are I can forget them again. Anyway I say this is good enough a piece of entertainment to watch it.

 

FINAL THOUGHTS: Poop. That's all I gotta say. 

TV You Forgot About #10: Yvon of the Yukon (1999 - 2003)

 

I had a lot of fun with yesterday's post. I was wondering what I could do for a follow up. I figured I was letting NEWFOUNDLAND SECRETS go, why not some CANADIAN SECRETS. I figured that it's always fun to talk about cartoons and it's always fun to talk about obscure crap so I figured I'd talk about some cartoons from Canada. It's all about perspective when it comes to obscure crap. This aired all the time in Canada but Portnoyd and DA BYS (that's what we call each other up her bys it's like the word boy without an o in it. Newfoundland SECRET #2 GIVEN AWAY FOR FREE). This is not the first time I talked about Canadian cartoons. I've talked about the Final Episode of the Raccoons here. I talked about Monster By Mistake which I think just might be my least favorite piece of animation ever here and here. I talked about Flying Rhino Junior High here (which actually showed up on CBS in America for like two years. Wild huh?) I talked about The Smoggies here. So I've talked about a good amount of Canadian Cartoons created by Canadians instead of Canadian-American productions (which I have talked about like Inspector Gadget or the Care Bears.) 

So I picked Yvon of the Yukon because it was something I kinda hated as a kid. I mean I could sit down and tolerate it so it WAS better than Monster by Mistake. It's just one of the many things that got stuck in my head and stayed there for decades. I figured it's enough to talk about it. It was a part of the flavour of YTV which was the channel that aired this and many other shows. It was wild. You got the popular NickToons, you got the popular Cartoon Network stuff, just random shit to fill holes, Canadian content, and a lot of anime for the time too. Canada dubbed a hell of a lot of Japanese animation! It was an interesting time and place to be a fan of animation. I look fondly back at the time of 1999. Turn of the millenium. We had such high hopes for the year 2000 and they all got dashed. Now we just wish it was 1983 again.

So this show was created by Terry Klassen and Ian James Corbett. They were both voice actors for things like Captain N, The New Adventures of He-Man (gross) and  the Dragon Ball Z dub. Canadian voice actors had their sticky little maple syrup fingers in just about everything! So they teamed up with Story B productions (which I believe are now owned by Wild Brain.) and Corus Entertainment. Corus Entertainment owns YTV and so it was easy for them to put Yvon of the Yukon on the air! The show ran for three seasons and fifty two episodes. The voice cast had a mix of indigenous actors, anime dub actors and Transformers actors. Yes, every Transformers series from like Beast Wars to sometime in 2007 were voiced by Canadians. WE ARE ALL AROUND YOU. YOU WILL NOT SURVIVE!!!

So, uh, what was Yvon of the Yukon even about? Well buddy let me tell you. It was the story of Yvon Ducharme, a frenchman who was tasked with trying to find THE NEW WORLD by King Louis XVIVIXIVGX or whatever one it was. Too many fucking kings to keep track of. Anyway he went and tried to find it and ended up becoming frozen in ice. For three hundred years. Then a dog pisses on him and it defrosts the ice and he tries to work with the people of the Yukon for reasons. I dunno. I didn't make this show! This was one of those gross-out cartoons of the 1990s, like Ren and Stimpy or my favorite Rocko's Modern Life. Those were better cartoons. Probably isn't fair to call Rocko's Modern Life completely gross out as they made jokes about everything. Still this one just went for smelly frenchman jokes and pee jokes. From what I remember they were just missing whatever it was that made Ren and Stimpy funny to me at that age. I think it was because Ren and Stimpy went farther than just pee jokes. I dunno, I don't really like Ren and Stimpy as much as I did then. I really should rewatch some of it and also Rocko's Modern Life.

So I will now watch some episodes and then come back to discuss what I liked and did not like about them! Well, I was going to do something different than explain to plot to you and make dumb jokes but I seriously have to tell you about this amazing and also kind of terrible episode. It's called Fromage to Eternity, you know like the movie From Here to Eternity. I don't think it has anything to do with the story of this episode except for the Fromage part.First off it starts with Yvon watching what is a weird mix of America's Funniest Home Videos and Rescue 911 called America's Funniest 9-1-1s. Everyone ends up farting at the end of the segment which causes Yvon to laugh. He then sees an ad for Meal in a Can and we move on to the rest of the cast. I like how everyone looks kinda messed up like they did too much meth or something. Except for like the lady cop who is a sexy lady cop. I guess no matter what you draw you kinda want to draw something sexy. Weird. They are all getting ready for the local potluck. They all end up making Jello shit for it to win an award or something. Except for Yvon, he makes a fondue, even though he has an flashback to when he lived in France in like 1602 or whenever the fuck Loui XVIVIXIVGX lived about making a meal that was ruined when he farted. He even says he will never cook again but then cooks a fondue. They really were writing great stuff here. The fondue is made from 300 year old cheese that turns everyone into a 1960s hippie stereotype. Even the people who did not eat any of the cheese fondue. So he sees another commercial for Meal in a Can and King Louis XVIVIXIVGX tells him to take over Upyermukluk (great name) and he tries to do that by getting the cast of the show out of the town while they are on their high. Then Yvon eats the cheese to prove it didnt cause everyone to go nuts and then he goes nuts and becomes the pied piper. Yep. This show is fucking weird.

 Okay, the second episode I watched was Mad Dog Ducharme. It starts with Yvon and Tommy (owner of the sled dog that peed on Yvon in the ice and bringing him into the year 1999) trying to trap polar bears. It does not go well and we go back to the Mad Cossack which is a bar/resturant of some sort. They serve Moose burgers and seal chunks. You ain't lived until you had a seal chunk! Anyway they see on the TV a wrestler called Killer Koloski or some shit yelling at the camera about cowards and Yvon thinks this is about him because back in the year 1699 or whenever Yvon was at war with Algeria or Alaska or Algebra or some A related thing or country. Anyway he got his shoes tied wrong while everyone around him went into war. King Louis XVIVIXIVGX was there on the battlefield and he called him a coward. Now Yvon is going to take the challenge of Killer Koloski and become a wrestler. So he trains with Bill (Tommy's dad and owner of the Mad Cossack). He trains and then tries to fight some wrestlers. He loses. Badly, even to a man in a wheelchair (which literally made me laugh out loud), however after some guys smack talk France and King Louis XVIVIXIVGX. This causes Yvon to go into a frothing mad lunatic mode and SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. He then starts doing this to like every wrestler. Then Killer Koloski and his manager a Don King lookalike shows up. I don't think many people even remember Don King these days but if I were given a cartoon I would make reference to him.  Anyway it turns out that Killer Koloski is a fake and doesn't want to get hurt so they bring in Ivan the Terrible to fight Yvon who beats his ass until they uh realize that they should have told Yvon he said something bad about King Louis XVIVIXIVGX at the start of the match. However it turns out that Ivan the Terrible is actually French and he and Yvon become friends and even leave the match halfway through to go get something to eat. The crowd then beats the shit out of fake Don King and Killer Koloski. Ivan then tries to get Yvon to come ot his wedding but he can't. He has to trap polar bears with Tommy and Tommy is all sad because he thinks its dumb. What a weird fucking episode.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Uh, this show is not very well written to be fair, yet I enjoyed watching it. The show is all over the place and the comedy doesn't always hit. However some of it was pretty amusing honestly. I loved the guy in the wheelchair as a wrestler fighting Yvon. This show is weird and I respect that. I honestly kinda want to review the other 50 episodes just to find what kind of weird shit is within them. Portnoyd AND THE BYS are you up for at least 25 Yvon of the Yukon posts!?? 

THE NEWFOUNDLAND SECRETS #1: The Video Stores of Old!

 

This is the start of a new series of blog posts. Why? Why the hell not. Anyway, this is THE NEWFOUNDLAND SECRETS. Secrets about NEWFOUNDLAND the MOST MYSTERIOUS PLACE IN THE WORLD. at least to the people in my discord. I live in Newfoundland and uh it's not very mysterious honestly. It's quite uh typical to me. I've lived here for forty years and it just seems like any old place. However to the DISCORD FANS OF CLAWX, Newfoudland is a MYSTERIOUS AND SPOOKY AND WEIRD PLACE. This came up because I mentioned someone should make a VIDEO STORE SIMULATOR video game. Like you get a trading card store simulator and who gives a shit about MAGIC THE GATHERING unless you are like a giant NERD. Video stores were cooler. Uh, I think I will try not to use SO MANY CAPS in the rest of this post. Anyway I mentioned how I should do a post about the Video Stores and one person agreed. That's all it takes to get me ot write about something, just say yes. You don't even need to read it afterwards, just be like yo mang write that shit. So that's why you are getting this look back at the video stores I remember going to when I was a child.

 Our first video store is the one I remember fondly from my early years. I remember going here a LOT to rent like The Care Bears Movie 2 or The Good The Bad and the Huckleberry Hound. You know only the most respectable and amazing of cinema. It felt like it was a store that went on forever, but you also got to remember I was somewhere between 3 and 8 years old when I would go to this place. I'm pretty sure this was where I started my love affair with Horror. My parents would tell me to stay in the kids section but you can only look at the same Transformers tape (you know those huge ass ones. Totally cool. wish I could own one but they want more money than God for one) before you get bored and go to look at other places. I would get to the Horror section and be amazed by all of the insane box art. There's a reason most people who collect VHS go for Horror because man they wanted to sell you on movies like Icebox Murders and they knew the movie was terrible (and it is. I saw it) and you needed a killer box art to get people to rent it. Anyway another great thing about this store was the fact it was RIGHT NEXT DOOR to a toy store called Romar's. I don't know who Romar is but good gosh darn he made a good toy store. That place was awesome. I don't remember getting many things from this place but holy shit it was a good place to go to as a kid. I remember a Scrooge McDuck stuffed toy that I still want because I refuse to grow up. I also remember getting our VHS copy of Homeward Bound from here. Which was weird because I do not believe they sold movies before or after this but this was a movie my sister and I watched so many fucking times. If you don't cry at the ending then you are a cruel creature. Sadly sometime after 1994, both of these places went out of business but Kelly's still exists as something else that I don't really give a shit about and you can go their website here.

 I don't remember the name of this second store, and this is just a image from DINOSAUR DRACULA and when they would find random VHS stores in New Jersey. I TRIED to get a CERTAIN SOMEONE to go to these places but he was like NO I JUST WANT TO STAY HOME AND KISS MY METROID CART. He missed out on the last VHS stores! HE COULD HAVE MADE HIS VHS COLLECTION LEGENDARY. anyway I know I promised that I wouldn't use caps lock after the first paragraph but I had to. I have to get the point home!!!! Anyway this was in a small mini mall, right next door to a convenience store (that also rented VHS and NES games everyone did that shit in the late 80s/early 90s). I remember this place pretty fondly. I remember getting into trouble with my mom because I went there with Terry Hiscock to rent BEETLEJUICE. I got in trouble because I didn't tell her where I was going. I also remember BUYING the NES game DuckTales here. I remember it being for not much money and they would probably have gotten more money if they kept renting it out. I mean DuckTales is still something talked about. It's weird. I also remember my sister stealing the box to the movie Chasers. a obscure comedy film from the 1990s that no one else remembers except me. We brought it back and I don't think anyone other than I have seen this film in my family. I just remember it mostly for that. I don't even remember anything about the movie. I don't remember much else about this place except they had one hell of a NES section. They had Pac-Man with the weird Tengen cover that will always be seared into my mind's eye. Poor Pac-Man looks so worried. GET THAT BIG BALL PAC-MAN! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

 

Now we get to what might be my favorite video store from my youth. Or at least the one I went to the most. Allan's Video was a chain store. We had one in Highland Drive. One in Elizabeth Ave. One in Mount Pearl and I think another one somewhere else. I remember you had to drive up a hill. This could be a dream. I don't know. Memory is a weird bitch that I kinda hate. They used silent film comedians Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy as their mascots. I never knew who they were until I was an adult. They had an amazing horror section and that's what I mostly remember renting there. That and SNES games. You see they had a deal for 7 dollars and 77 cents you could rent 7 movies for a week. Older ones of course. The new shit you had to pay that 5 dollars. In fact you had to pay $5 for a regular rental so I'm sure a lot of people just said fuck it and picked up 7 movies in hopes they'd watch like two ro three of them. Me I watched or played all seven. I would always make sure to pick up Chrono Trigger and Inspector Gadget for the SNES until they got rid of those games. We would go shopping at Sobeys around there and I would go to K-Mart (when it was open), Blockbuster and then Allan's. Allan's Video on Elizabeth Ave was the second to last Video store to go. It was in 2014 when they finally closed down. I wasn't even renting movies any more. I would uh TOTALLY LEGALLY OBTAIN THEM OTHERWISE. Yeah, get used to it I'm using the damn caps lock!!! EAT MY SHIT! Anyway I've still never seen a Laurel and Hardy movie but I still have a fondness for them and their weirdly drawn cartoon versions. 

This was Jumbo Video. I think they were #1 in Canada. I do not know for sure. They had locations all over Canada and they started in Ontario. I remember Jumbo Video because you could rent $3 for like $12 or so? I mean with taxes. We started going ot Jumbo Video when one opened up like 10 minutes from our house. We would go to a different video store. I mean I would usually stay home at that point but still. Jumbo Video had three locations in St. John's. One right near my house. One in Ropewalk Lane. and another in Mount Pearl. Which is just basically a part of St. John's. We just let them think they are different. It's cute. They also bought the Allan's Video on Highland Drive when that closed. That was the last place to go. If Allan's Video had a good starter horror selection then Jumbo Video was where you went to rent the weird obscure shit. I remember renting Slumber Party Massacre and Pieces here. They would sell movies but at way too much of a price. I could get my mom to buy a movie from Allans Video at $5 but I wasn't getting Octaman for $15. It was a good move on her part because that movie is uh, not worth $15. It's funny what sticks in your mind huh?  You could also get free popcorn to eat while you browsed and that was cool as hell. Apparently the Ropewalk Lane place would go all out in October and make their Horror Section look scary and spooky but I never got to see it. Sometimes life just sucks you know. Anyway this was a great video store and I miss it.

 Another random image stolen from Google because this store did not have a really cool logo. It was called Capitol Video and it was AMAZING. They packed so many fucking movies into this store it was insane. The only time I ever saw TROMA RELEASED VIDEOS was in this place. If Jumbo Video was where you went to rent the weird obscure horror movies then this was the place where you went to rent the weird obscure everything else. They were amazing. I loved it. They were ran by a husband and wife team and also a random guy. Maybe related to them. I don't remember ever seeing the wife just the husband who seemed to be bored working there. I guess the SHEER BEAUTY all around him got boring. I wish never to be bored by weird obscure cinema. You could also get the popular stuff too. They had a great selection of just about everything and I really enjoyed the atmosphere. It was one of those weirdly cheap looking Video Stores where everything was shoved in a wall. I also liked that they PROUDLY put porn out in the open. I mean it was mostly soft core stuff and not NICELY SHAVED BEAVERS GET FUCKED BY BIG DICKS vol. 12 but it's the thought that counts. Sadly sometime after 2010 they got flooded and pretty much threw out all of their videos. All those VHS lost like tears in rain. You see what happens when I get sad I start talking like Rutger Hauer!

Another photo stolen from Dinosaur Dracula. I did this because I don't like to see images above a paragraph and then no images. It does not look good. This was not the video store I was talking about. Anyway from whenever I can remember to like I believe 2001 My family and I would visit a small town called Lewisporte, where my Aunt, Uncle and cousins lived. It was always a fun time. We of course would still end up finding our selves at the video store there. I remember they had clip ons to put on the movies that were rented or not rented but they had funny faces on them. Like a sad face if it was rented or something. Anyway this place ruled. My sister and I would save up like two dollars and buy as much of this penny candy as we could. Chocolate with sprinkles on it. So good. Like manna from heaven. This video store also had games for sale. Or maybe rent. It was like the smallest rental section of games ever. It was Double Dragon for the NES. Some other NES game that I can't remember and fucking Earthbound. With the giant box. It might still be there. They were there for years. I don't know why I didn't try to buy them. It was vacation and I was given money but my parents would usually end up giving us more. Oh well. The weirdest thing I ever rented was from this place. It was the movie Junior, not the Arnie/Danny Devito movie, but a horror film. However it was not a horror film but someone had taped uh over it. With porn. I think gay porn. It was not very well filmed porn so I really couldn't tell. It was also spliced in with scenes from a sitcom that I do not know the name of and I know way too much about sitcoms. It was very strange and I didn't like it.  Anyway this video store was in a weird random spot where all the houses were facing away from it. That's all I remember about this nameless video store, except that I loved it. I still want to eat those chocolate sprinkle candies. Those were the best.

 

Finally we get to the store everyone talks about. Everyone goes on and on about how they rented from Blockbuster Video. All Day and Every Night. If you were to believe them it must be the best video store ever and I must have rented so much stuff from there. Well, that's not true. Blockbuster came to Newfoundland in 1996. It was on the same stretch of stores and fast food locations that K-Mart used to be in and Wendy's is still in. It was a pretty great place to kill time while waiting for your mother and father to finish buying the groceries. I am here to poop on the parade of everyone who blithers and blathers about Blockbuster. I never really cared that much about them. I think I got to rent three whole movies from them because they were 5.99 so almost 10 bucks with tax. I'm sure those 7 movies from Allans for 7 days for 7.77 would end up costing more but my parents would get me out of their hair for quite a bit more time. My mom would never really let me rent from there or rent from there. The other reason I never cared about Blockbuster is that INCREDIBLY COOL HORROR SECTION got dwindled down to shit because they needed to buy 405 copies of the newest movie out so they could be like ITS NEW AND WE HAVE IT YOU'LL GET IT or whatever they did in the 1990s with new movies. My parents did not grow up in the lap of luxury and would try for the best deal and well Allan's won that deal. Still Blockbuster got several locations right next to Jumbo Video on Ropewalk Lane and also in Mount Pearl. St. John's was a wild place to rent movies. Seriously if you couldn't find it in this town it probably did not get released on video or laserdisc. Laserdiscs blew my mind when I saw them first. They didn't last long as rentals though but man they were wild.

I could go on. We had a LOT of video stores. We had a store that rental porn and just porn. My friend tricked me into calling them wondering if they had any Super Nintendo games for sale. Ha ha. Jerk. We had another one that was on my uncle's street and another one in quidi vidi. Not to mention all of the stores in the smaller cities. It was a great place to be a movie fan. We had a lot of weird looking places that actually turn out to be houses. You could have to the top half be your house and the bottom be a video store because why the hell not. It was the 1990s and somehow the population of Newfoundland was enough for like at least 25 damn Video stores! some right next to others! The 1990s was the last cool decade we will ever live. It had style and all decades since have been boring horseshit garbage. I hate the future. I miss video stores. 

NES Game Reviews #46: The Guardian Legend, Gremlins, and the Goonies play Gotcha during the Great Waldo Search oh and Gradius is also there.

 

Alright, so it seems the first month I have already made it impossible to really get to twenty posts, so I'm going to change that idea from 20 posts to post at least every 3 days and with something fresh and new. So today's fresh and new thing is more NES game reviews. Okay, I plan to review something else next time but this is a really good selection of games and it makes up for the last six games being mostly fucking golf. I had more to say about Rodney Dangerfield and Chevy Chase than any of those Golf games. Thankfully I have a good amount of stuff to say about all of these games. So let's get to them!

 Today's first review has a HOT TAKE. I did not see the Goonies until I was like sixteen years old. I rented it because everyone on the internet that would talk about 80s movies would talk about it. Here is the hot take: I did not like it. In fact it mostly annoyed the hell out of me. It's very much a movie you have to see between the ages of like 5 and 10. That's when it really hits the most. I might if SOME PEOPLE ARE GOOD rewatch it after 25 years (good lord I feel like Methuselah.) The Goonies actually had two games on the NES, which is why this game was called the Goonies II. It was not trying to be a sequel to the movie. The first game I think only showed up on Playchoice machines in America. That is a real shame because it was a really good game. One of the earliest Konami games and it was damn good. I think I might the Goonies more than the Goonies II. The Goonies II is a HUGE game. This is one that will take you some time to beat. It is very very large. It's one of those Metroid-esque games where you will have ot search everywhere to find stuff. It can be cryptic and annoying but to be fair all of those kindsa games have at least one FUCK YOU moment. The graphics are pretty good for the time and the music is CHEF'S KISS. Of course it's Konami and when did they ever make shit music? Like even in the Konami games that aren't very good they still knocked it out of the park with the music. Anyway The Goonies II is a  game worth owning and playing through.

 A while back, probably in late 2024. So not yesterday, one of the dumb retro video game channels on YouTube I watch because I have nothing better to do with my time. It's some guy who owns a store. One customer came in and traded in all of his old TMNT toys. Somehow he had kept his toys from his childhood and he traded them all in. Over a grand worth of them. You know why. so his stupid useless fucking shithead ass could get a copy of Gotcha. WITH 5 SCREWS!!!! This person is a mentally unwell morally corrupt human being that I could never love. Sorry but I treasure the few toys I still have from when I was a kid and wouldn't part with them for anything and for what. To get two extra fucking screws. That's what you are doing when you go to do that right. The screw variant collectors are fucking stupid morons and I'd say that to their face. I am a brash jerk sometimes but sometimes you need a brash jerk to tell you are being a stupid fucking moron. No it's not finding a new avenue to keep collecting something. It's a fucking mental illness starting to brew in your head. The only people worse than that guy are the people who literally have OVER A GRAND to spend on two extra screws. Not the game because you could get that for 5 cents.  Those people should have all the money they make taken from them. I mean except for food and shelter. They do not deserve to collect things. Seriously, screw variant collecting helped ruin NES collecting for me. It showed that you didn't need to look for stuff, just brute force your way with the money you somehow have. If you collect Screw Variants then I hate you with all fibre of my being. Oh, and Gotcha! is just a really boring Zapper game. Possibly one of the worst Zapper games honestly.

 

 Okay, it's time to calm down and actually review the games again. I mean there's very little to actually say about Gotcha anyway. You shoot guys and it's just not very interesting. It does not have whatever say Wild Gunman or Hogan's Alley or Duck Hunt has. So we get to a game that you can say things about Konami's Gradius. Which I think is a pretty long running series now. How many sequels or spinoffs does this game have now? I'm sure it's a good amount. Gradius was a well talked about NES game way back when people talked about the actual games and not OH MY GOD 5 SCREWSSSSS!!!! The first time I played this game I did not very much like it. I would get stuck at the mountain area in the first stage. Every time I played it. Until I actually looked up and figured out how to get past that and now I can get to....level 3. Yeah I find this game to be pretty hard. It's also pretty good. Although I do think the famicom only Gradius 2 is an improvement on this game. The music and graphics are pretty great and I think it's a pretty good shump. I enjoy it. 

 

Goodie. We get to one of those game that barely count as a game. This is like Color A Dinosaur. It's so so simple. You literally have to look for Waldo and you find him. Somehow the other Waldo game at least feels more like a game. I think that one actually has a time out stuff in it. Anyway this almost game is very very boring. It shows really that not everything that was popular from the late 20th century was not worthy of being made into video games. It's strange because the Waldo books were pretty fun for what they were. They were never your TOP PICK FOR ENTERTAINMENT but I'm sure we all flipped through one and went THERE'S THAT DUMB SHIT. I mean he also had a cartoon series. That's not actually saying much because everyone had a damn cartoon series prior to the year 2000. I'm sure there's a Portnoyd animated series out there somewhere and IM SURE IT'S TERRIBLE! There's so very little here to talk about that I wish I could talk about another golf game. I mean I could review Who's Your Caddy. Yes. I watched that movie. Yes, it was the last time Jeffery "BOY LOVER" Jones ever starred in anything. Yes, It's fucking terrible. You see what this shit has made me do?!?

 

As a kid I loved the Gremlins movies. They were both so good. If they had said a Gremlins 3 was coming out anytime before streaming services decided we needed to bring everything back I would have went to see it thirty times. Now, I'll probably watch it (yes I complain about things and then watch them. piss off) but I am not excited about the supposed new Gremlins movie that is coming out. I mean if I heard Joe Dante was apart of it I would SO come back. That dude should be making more movies. All of the other movies he made are pretty great. Joe Dante rules. Anyway had I known they made a Gremlins game as a kid we would have owned several copies. I was THAT into Gizmo and those green fuckers. I didn't find this game out until I was a teenager and man it was worth the wait. This game is one of THE best games based on a license (as in movie or tv show) and well it was SUNSOFT that made it. Sunsoft was one of THE best NES companies. This game has great everything really. The graphics do THE most you can with the old NES. The music is great. You get to pick out all kinds of stuff for Gizmo to buy from that old Asian guy from the two movies (who also voiced a character in CHARLIE CHAN AND THE CHAN CLAN a HANNA BARBERA masterpiece). The levels are pretty well designed and the game has a pretty good challenge level. This is an excellent game that is very much worth to be in your collection.

 

Has there ever been a post in this series that has had 3 COMPLETE BANGERS in it? I think the best was TWO bangers but this post beats that one. Goonies II, Gremlins 2, and Guardian Legend are three games anyone who wants a good NES collection needs to own. Like they are NECESSARY in my mind to play. Guardian Legend was a game I found either through emulation or because it was on a flea market table for 5 bucks. I can't really remember, but I know that the second I played it I knew I liked it just because of the WEIRD mash up Compile decided to go with. This game is a "look around nad find stuff" mixed in with a shoot em up game. This might be the best shump on the NES. Either this one or a game in the next group. This is a wonderful game. The look around and find stuff is great fun because you know you'll get a crazy cool weapon that will help you find other places. This is a game worth playing any time. The graphics are very well done. The music is great. This is a game worth owning and definitely worth playing. Totally one of the top 100 NES games ever.

NES Game Reviews #45: Golgo's Gold Golf Medal Challenge!

 

Alright! NES Time! But before I get into the six games for today. I have to make an announcement and tell you all that post 500 won't be what I wanted it to be or said it would be. I am not one for bingeing TV series. I mean I did it for a while when I was recovering from a surgery in 2024 but I can't watch more than three episodes of something in a row before wanting to do something else. Sometimes I can watch more. 21st Century Television wasn't really meant to be binged. Anyway that post will come out and will start a brand new series on this blog. Just won't be post 500. Post 500 will be me reviewing something that annoys the hell out of me. I did not expect to find a Golgo 13 AD but I did, it's pretty cool but I don't like that Golgo isn't shooting that guy with his CUSTOM MADE M-16 but some dinky ass hand gun!

 Here's another sports game but here's the thing, this is one that I REALLY want to like. I mean it's Capcom and they definitely simplified every sport in this game down to its basics which I like. It has nice fun cartoony graphics and Capcom music is always great. It has a nice variety of sports to play through and is a well thought out game. The only problem is that you literally have to push the buttons so fast and hard that by the time you are done with this game your thumb will be disintegrated into nothing. I don't know how the hell anyone does it without a turbo pad and I don't like using them very much. I really want to like this game more than I do because you know Capcom but I just don't. I think I'll have to put this in the OKAY section of games because clear effort was put into it. It's just blasting your thumb away doesn't seem like a good idea just so you can say you beat Gold Medal Challenge '92.

 I've kinda grown to hate a lot of the black box games for two reasons, one most of them are sports games that are just not very well made and two I am just sick of SHITTY NINTENDOAGE/YOUTUBE JERKS being like OH MAN THIS IS SO COOL THEY HAVE THE HANGTAB STILL ON THE BOX............... OH MY GOD THE HANG TABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB IT'S SO RARE AND COOL! however I have to say that this just might be the only Golf game that I can get into on the ol' Nintendo Entertainment System. It's simple and I can actually get somewhere in it. I can figure this game out a least a little bit. It's really weird, I've beaten a ton of hard NES games but scoring a point in any NES sports game is impossible. Except for like two. We will get to them when we get to them. Sometimes simplicity is the best. I dunno. I'm not in love with Golf but I will see my self playing it from time to time. It's better than any other Golf game and also better than most of the black box games.

I watched the Chevy Chase documentary last night. I thought it was pretty good. Chevy Chase is uh something else when it comes to personhood. It reminded me of Caddyshack because they played a few clips of the movie. Caddyshack was actually supposed to be about the caddies, until Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, Chevy Chase and Ted Knight just popped on in and decided no we want this movie to just be goofy in. That's how we got a literal comedic classic. The plot is literally so thin you could cut it with a plastic knife but it is there (everything kinda has to have a plot even if its its simple or not very well done) but who the hell cares about the plot. You don't remember that. You remember Chevy Chase being his old comedic dickhead self (seriously he either played a comedic dickhead or a total goober like Clark Griswald) or Rodney Dangerfield screaming HEY EVERYBODY WE'RE ALL GONNA GET LAID. Which is really the best ending of all time. He's just so happy that everyones gonna get some. God bless Rodney Dangerfield. Anyway this is some Golf game by Atlus that I really don't wanna talk about.

 You know what movie gets a bad rap but I'm gonna defend it right here. Caddyshack II. Did you know that Rodney Dangerfield was originally going to come back to the role of uh Rodney Dangerfield that he played in the first movie. Chevy Chase came back and Dan Akryoyd does Bill Murray's role. RANDY QUAID comes in and RANDY QUAID is great. The biggest problem with this movie is that Rodney Dangerfield quit the production and they had to replace him with Jackie Mason who uh kinda sucks. I liked him as Krusty's father in The Simpsons but man not a huge fan of him in this movie. He is a bad replacement for Rodney Dangerfield. You can also see ROBERT STACK as the bad guy and who doesn't love him? PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT MYSTERIES SOLVED THAT'S WHO. Yeah the movie ends up being a bit of a mess and you can see the disdain Chevy Chase has for the whole production in his performance which is weirdly hilarious. It's not a perfect movie and it has many flaws but I laughed at it and don't care what you say. I also own a Caddyshack Gopher they made in like 2000. I am a cool cat. Oh, and this is a Golf Game by Bandai that I really have nothing to say about. I'm sure it's good if you know golf.

You know who used to be pretty good at comedy and then just gave up? Adam Sandler. I was like eleven years old when I first saw him in something. It wasn't SNL because I wasn't allowed to stay up that late at night and if I were I would probably watch the weird B-movie they showed on ASN instead of SNL. Said movie was Happy Gilmore and I thought it was the funniest thing I had seen up till that point in my life. I mean besides Spaceballs. He gets into a fight with the guy from The Price is Right! That was hilarious to me as a kid. I actually have not seen any of those Adam Sandler movies I loved as a kid/teen since like those days and I don't know if I should go back to them. I think I will leave them as positive memories. Once he had enough money to start a production studio and just make movies where he hangs out with his friends the quality dropped so much so quickly. I think by 2002 I was out. I never did see Mr. Deeds and I don't think I should ever bother with Happy Gilmore 2. Adam Sandler is a man with clear talent who uh has a pretty bad track record. It's sad. Oh and this game is fucking terrible. I pushed every damn button I could and couldn't get the damn stupid Greg Norman to hit the fucking ball. Fuck this game. In the ear.

 

Oh hey. Hey port remember when we were talking about how it was weird that Fist of the North Star was just kept pretty much intact despite the fact no one knew what that was except for like some Ultra Nerds. Well here's another one Golgo 13. It was weird that he got to keep his name. I'm surprised he didn't become SAM SNIPER or something dumb (but wonderfully dumb). It's also amazing that he literally has sex in this game and Nintendo did not censor it. This was also a game that must have been pretty popular because I would see copies of it EVERYWHERE. I remember getting it early in my NES career and I think it's a fun game. It has platformer levels, 3d first person tunnel levels, fighting under water, all that stuff was honestly really well done. The 3D First Person Levels are mostly fine until later on in the game when they just get hair pullingly annoying. I just remember Loogaroo being a pissy baby about this game but he was a pissy baby about every video game that wasn't Final Fantasy 3 it seems. Golgo 13 shoots a damn Brain creature in this game! I got to him once and I could not beat him and I really should go back to this game. It's a neat game that genuinely does feel like a spy adventure. Golgo 13 rules and haters can get out!

 GOOD GAMES: 126

BAD GAMES: 90

OKAY / HAVENT AGED WELL:  37

IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 5 

 

NES Game Reviews #44: Ghoul School N Goblins Find Godzilla's Goal on Gilligan's Island!

 

Wow. They really did have an print ad for everything. I've been going through my comic book collection. Looking at each issue, making sure there are no defects or weird things like NO GOOD BAD BUGS living in there. Some of these comics I have not opened in a very long time. It's just to see if its something I'm gonna keep, sell or just throw away. Ya know. Anyway, I see a lot of old NES and SNES ads and man Konami really wanted to sell you on games. A lot of them had two page spreads and I'm sure ad space in a 1991 Marvel Comic wasn't cheap. They are pretty awesome ads. I really should do a look at "cool as shit comic book ads from the past". I really should make a list of what I need to discuss for this blog. Anyway this is an ad for  Gilligans Island. A game I will discuss in this post. I know that I've ragged on Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Dr, Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and the Bible games but they are a weird part of the NES story. the "shit I think kids might know about this and we could make money on it" part of the story. Capitalism is a wild thing. 

 This paragraph review of Ghost N Goblins for the NES will have a hot take. In fact it might have two. Ghost N Goblins was put out by Capcom in the Arcades. However for the NES it was made by Micronics and If I'm being fair, it's totally one of the best games that company/guy did. I'm amazed that company made it to the PS1. No seriously look it up. It's wild. They really should have died after they made Athena or 1942 (sorry Damien) and despite this being one of their better games I still do not like this game at all. I think it moves too slowly and clunky. It's a very hard game too so that doesn't help that the controls are hot garbage melting in shit. You get too many enemies coming at you and I've been able to get to level 3 I think once. I just do not enjoy playing this game in the slightest. Here's the maybe second hot take. I don't really like the Super NES game made by Capcom either. I really want to like these games because who the hell doesn't want to play as a knight as he shoots spears into Satan's face but I just can't get into either of them because I just feel they are too hard and annoying. I'll be putting this into the bad games category. SORRY PEOPLE.

 Ghoul School is an interesting game. Wasn't this made by a teenager or a young person and sold to Imagineering? I ask because I believe there has to be a story behind this game. It plays differently and better than any other game by Imagineering. You know the guys who did Swamp Thing and the Simpsons games. Those are WAY worse than this game but this game has a problem with it. It's really sad too because if that problem was fixed this game would be something you'd highly recommend to people. I just feel that the enemies gang up on you WAY too easily and WAY too much throughout this game. This is one of those Metroid-type games. You have to find a key to find a horn to find a thing to finally help you get into some door that is right at the beginning of the game. It seems so many games like this one loved doing that. Keeping the hidden secret ending right near the beginning. I dunno. It has been a while since I played this game but I remember it being pretty alright despite the whole fuck you stop ganging up on me thing. 

 

 

This game has given me a chance. I mean I had this chance other times and I honestly forget if I mentioned it but this game means I get to talk about THE BABY OF SEAN aka SEANBABY from the website seanbaby.com which was really funny to me as a teenager but as an adult is only somewhat funny. The man clearly has some good comedic chops but he is not amazing. He had a worst 20 NES section and he had this game on that list. I disagree with that and we will get to that later. I just remember sending him a message via email too quickly with some spelling mistakes and he send me back a message calling me a stupid moron fuck or whatever he did. That's right assholes I was insulted by SEANBABY. You ain't as cool as me! Anyway I uh kinda like this game a lot. Yeah, I know. It has flaws coming out of its ying yang. Like the fact the jumping is weird. Or the fact you have to keep a hold of Gilligan and do not let him just wander off. The worst part of it all is the time limits in like the last two stages (out of i think 5) that are so BAD that you cannot make a SINGLE MISTAKE or you will lose and then RIP YOUR DAMN HAIR OUT. Something about this game charms me and I enjoyed beating it. I dunno if I ever will but I will be at least be putting it in the OKAY games cuz I know it's not good but I don't really think it's BAD either.

 

  

 

 

Yep, fuck it. I'm taking a mulligan here. I don't give a shit. These are two of like I think four soccer games on the NES (one of them I actually enjoyed!!! watch out for that review!!!) and I'm just going to say that I could never play either of these games for long because the on the field look overview thing made me sick. Just going back from green to a different color of green. Just made my head hurt and well it's another sports game. I do not know how to play any sports game. You have to dumb down it to so simple terms for me to get into a sports game. This game doesn't really do that. I just know that playing these games gives me a headache and I'm stuffing them in the bad games pile just for that. Sorry, I don't like to mash two games up like this but I really really really do not have enough to say about either of these games. They suck and hurt my head. GOOD JOB JALECO!

 

Boy howdy does this game bring me back. This had to be one of the earliest titles I got when I restarted collecting. It must have been five dollars at like Microplay or the Flea Market. That was the standard for NES games here in Newfoundland. Five dollars. I didn't mind spending it. Anyway this game was weird and offputting and really hard. I could never really get anywhere but I really wanted to like this game because hell it's Godzilla! You could play as Godzilla or Mothra and if you played as Godzilla you'd probably get fucked by the boss. Those bastards would just jam your ass up into the other side of the screen and shit all over you. Dirty fuckin' creatures.  Anyway I would try this again and again until I actually found out how to use some of Godzilla's moves and actually ended up beating it. This game is long and can become very tedious but I still have some nostalgia for it and I'm going to put it in the okay games category. Sue me. (Please don't actually try to sue me over this. I have no money)

 

Oh hey. It's another very okay Godzilla game. I wouldn't get this game until I was like collecting for a decade or so at this point. I think I bought it from cracked8ball from one of his many many NES game purges. He would buy and then sell games so many times. I am pretty sure if he had stuck to it he could have collected the entire NES set (with unlicensed games included BECAUSE THEY COUNT) like 50 times over. It was wild how good NES colleting was before nintendoage or smelly youtubers came in and pooped all over the place. God damn gross freaks ruined everything. Anyway this is a strategy game. A really really weird one too.  It is easier to get into than any of the rice sims where you have to make sure you do 1000 things before you move forward anywhere. It is also harder to get into because you do get into battles with a weird slot machine mechanic (that I believe they also did for the Super Godzilla game)  and it uh, is not a very good mechanic. Even when you feel like you get a feel for it you still don't. I dunno. I did beat this game and I don't know how I did it. I don't hate this game but the original game with all of its issues is still better. This will go into the okay pile because it's my reviews and my opinions. Damnit, go do your own set of reviews if you want to see your own opinion!!!

 GOOD GAMES: 125

BAD GAMES: 89

OKAY GAMES / HAVENT AGED WELL:  34

IMPATIENT WHATEVER GAMES BLAH: 5