The H's are here. The H's are also probably the worst overall letter for NES games. I really don't know how to open this blog post. Most of these games are not going to get very good reviews from this reviewer at least. So I guess we really get to these six games.
I am the last and I mean last person to review any sports game. Seriously the last person you should ask anything about sports. I am pretty sure I know Babe Ruth because of the Sandlot. I did not think the Harlem Globetrotters were even real for a good portion of my life. I thought they were made up for that one joke in the Simpsons. I didn't learn they were actually real until I found out about the Gilligan Island movies and was like oh that's cool. Seriously I do not know sports, the rules to sports or any of this stuff. I however can tell you that this is a very slow, boring and not fun basketball game. Sports games seem to be the most fun the faster they feel and this game is just a slow mess of shit covered in piss. The graphics are dull, the music is forgettable and there's a reason I don't think GameTek made any other games outside of the game show genre. I do not like basketball but I respect the Harlem Globetrotters. They were friends with Gilligan!!!!!
The Russian Guy who Created Tetris is weird (I didn't want to misspell his name so he's now known as this forevermore) he's one of those guys who came out of the box swinging. That's not the saying I was looking for but it will do well enough. Seriously Tetris is a 10/10 video game masterpiece. Its one of the most iconic games ever made. It's like making Casablanca as your first movie or something. EVERYTHING you make after this will be judged very harshly after you come out with a masterpiece on your first go. Hatris is a fine game. It's very enjoyable and fun and I enjoy matching up the hats. It's biggest problem is that it's Big Brother Tetris is you know FUCKING TETRIS. I am also pretty good at Tetris and not so good at Hatris. I'm glad The Russian Guy Who Created Tetris made games that weren't Tetris as they are honestly still pretty good games it's just you kinda shot yourself in the foot by putting out your MASTERPIECE first. Still this will probably be the only game I give a GOOD rating too.
Heavy Barrel is a game I beat for the NES BOUNTY. For anyone who somehow finds this post the NES Bounty was a thing THE NES SCENE crew did in like 2020 to like 2023 on Discord where we tried to beat as many NES games as we could. Six random games would get put up and I turned into the most insane crackhead because of this. I did beat a lot of games for it, actually I think I beat the most games for it. We got to like 540 or so games. It was nuts. Heavy Barrel is one of the NES games I played to completion for it. It was a game I played from time to time to try and beat it and finally did for the NES BOUNTY. It is a very okay game that I think could have been better if they did two things. Give your guy a life bar and make him just a tad faster. You get limited continues and damnit they should just give you unlimited continues for this old hard ass NES games. You get a bunch of different levels and places to go. Different kind of enemies and a few different kinds of ammo to shoot. It's a simple game with simple graphics and music I do not remember at all. It's a very OKAY game that could have been pretty great with some fixes. Still yeah let's go.
This is one of like three skiing/snowboarding games on the NES. You have Ski or Die and Slalom. I wanted to save my feelings on those games until I get to them but I will say this. This is the worst of the three. Somehow the graphics and music and controls are WAY worse than those other two. This game is just kind of slow too. It's also weirdly addictive. I don't know why either because it's sluggish and ugly and not much fun. But whenever I turn this game on. I'm always trying to get farther in it. I'm gonna put it in the BAD pile despite that because I don't like playing it all that much. Oh well.
Oh hey it's Dungeons and Dragons. We are back talking about FCI and some really awful NES games. I don't know anything about Dungeons and Dragons except that I enjoyed watching the 1980s cartoon series. That's it. You make up a game and play it with a Dungeon Master which sounds like a weird sexual thing. Like something involving those BDSM guys. Smacking and hitting each other. DURING THE SEXY TIMES. It takes different strokes to move the world guys. Alan Thicke even told us. Whatever happened to Robin Thicke and everyone getting angry about his song. Remember that? I like getting angry over pointless things. Oh wait no I don't. Anyway this is the worst of the NES Dungeons and Dragons games. You get a bunch of characters and they are all useless as fuck. Fighting enemies is the shittiest thing in the world and you really should just try to avoid them whenever you can. That's not good for a you know VIDEO GAME. The other problem is the really really really dull looking backgrounds in this maze game. Everything looks so fucking similar that you have to really pay attention or just use a fucking video guide because it's 2026. Once you know what to do this really shitty game only takes 15-20 minutes to beat. Portnoyd beat it for the NES Bounty and I don't know how he did it. I think everyone (except Strx and Ratix who had like 30) had one "fucking what" game we beat. My game was the Terminator. Holy shit do I have things to say about that game when we get to it. Jesus fuck. Anyway Heroes of the Lance sucks and I feel bad for anyone who liked Dungeons and Dragons because you were considered to be in league with Satan by weirdos with too much free time or you had to play this to get your fix. It's like living within a world of shit. Sad.
This is a pretty alright pinball game for the NES. Done by Rare based on a Williams pinball game. I watched my mom play some pinball game once. I think it was some movie game. She was pretty good I thought. I don't think she'd be able to do it now. I don't know why I brought this up. This game is as I said fine but it's like Heavy Shreddin. You have a lot of other better Pinball options on the NES. My personal favorite was also made by Rare and is called Pinbot. Pinbot is a better game than this one in EVERY way. Hell I like Pinball the black box game more than this. There's not much to say about this pinball game really and I now have to wait for portnoyd to yell at Rare because he's too much of a SALTY WIMP to beat Battle Toads. It's been several decades now portnoyd, give it up!
GOOD GAMES: 135
BAD GAMES: 95
OKAY GAMES/HAVENT AGED WELL: 37
GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 5
I was enjoying the random claw blog intros but I can understand if you just want to get a batch of games over with.
ReplyDeleteHarlem Globetrotters is an even worse basketball game because the whole point of the Globetrotters is it's supposed to be goofy fun where they abuse the Washington Generals with goofy trick shots and steals. But this is just a generic ass basketball game. The trick shots are worthless and that's it. A missed opportunity. Someone could have made a really stupid but fun game out of this but lol Gametek.
Hatris is very ok. Like, ok, I get it. It's Tetris with Hats. But Yoshi is Hatris with Eggs. TAKE THAT, ALEXEY.
You were an impressive crackhead during the bounty, yes. It really was Prime Claw though. Also, don't annoy someone fighting a boss that is a giant foot. GIIII Jooooooooooooooooooe.
536 games is where we left off. That's really good considering we were all EHH TOO LAZY.
Hey. Guerilla War was too *easy* because it had unlimited continues. Heavy Barrel is too *hard* because it had limited continues. You gotta pick a lane, clawzy.
Regardless I like this game because it's basically like Ikari Warriors (where are the idiots calling games like this IKARI LIKES) but actually coded well onto the NES. The keys thing was always such a tease. Like WHATS IN THE BOX YOU DIDN'T OPEN. YOU'LL NEVER KNOW (probably). This is a decent port and good & fun.
Heavy Shreddin challenges WIN 3.11 CLASSIC Ski-Free for most basic graphics. Heavy Shreddin only exists because the 90s appeared after the 80s. It wouldn't otherwise. Anyway, this is not a good game.
I beat it in 17 minutes because I found a longplay of the game and followed it to the letter. I can't find the video now but it basically requires you to run past every enemy and cure yourself if you get hit, and just go to every and only the essential items/parts of the map to get to the last boss who dies in 1 hit anyway. This is NOT a good game but it is ambitious. Everything about it implies a level of detail that brings a nice D&D vibe, they just forget to make it fun. And playable.
High Speed is shit because Rare is shit.
NICE TRY, CLAW. ****YOU**** are the one who must beat Battletoads. MUST I GO ON CAVERN II AND DIG UP ALL THE TEXT ABOUT YOU GETTING SASSED FOR NEVER BEATING BATTLETOADS.
I'll be honest, I am looking for your HOT LAKES on the letter I games more than your letter H games.