I had no internet for two whole days. TWO WHOLE DAYS. I watched a good amount of movies in those two days. I'm not going to review them all but several of them were TV shows movies from the 1990s. It was a big thing to make TV shows and cartoons into movies back then. It started in 1987 with the pretty funny (at least I think so) movie Dragnet with Dan Akyroyd and Tom Hanks. I still have never seen an entire episode of the actual Dragnet show and I don't think I need too. the movie is clearly superior because it gave us the second best white people rap of all time. You can see that here. The best white people rap is clearly this one. That movie must have been a hit because in the next decade you had like 4320429204 movies based on old TV shows. I watched five of them in the past two days and we shall discuss them. I hope you enjoy the image of the old zenith I stole from google. The first tv I ever remember using was a Zenith.
The Saint is one of two movies that were turned into AMERICAN MOVIES HOO YEAH AMERICA EAGLE WOOO YEAH EAGLES FREEDOM EAGLE FREEDOM MOVIES from GROSS FOREIGNERS FROM BRITAIN. The Saint was originally created a book/short story character in 1928. They made him into a TV show in 1962. It was one of the first big roles for a SCRAPPY YOUNG BRITISH MAN named Roger Moore. That's right! THE BEST JAMES BOND EVER! This movie is very.....okay. I can't say if anyone was really miscast because I never saw the original show. I lived in Canada in the 1990s not Britain in the 1960s. I do hear good things about the show. Anyway Val Kilmer is uh weird as hell in this movie. He's trying to silly even in the more serious moments. I dunno. Elizabeth Shue plays a cold fission scientist. That's a huge jump from hanging out with the Karate Kid and babysitting children. Anyway Val Kilmer is a guy who's a MASTER OF DISGUISE and he uses his really goofy disguises to fool some Russian guy. Honestly I've forgotten most of this movie already. It feels like a longer episode of an episode instead of a big budget movie. Like except for some BIG EXPLOSIONS nothing about this feels like a big budget movie of the time. I dunno. I didn't hate my time watching this movie but I wouldn't really recommend it.
Lost In Space is based on a WOOOOO AMERICA WOOO FREEDOM EAGLE EAGLE FREEDOM WOO tv series from the mid 1960s. 1965 to 1968. I have never seen an episode of it. This movie's kid characters are fucking hilariously 1990s. I mean they are as actual characters kinda boring but you couldn't get more 1990s kids than anything. The girl was like SO TOTALLY IN TO THE MALL!!! and the boy was a SECRET GENIUS who can re-create robots. They are boring characters but also so 1990s so I kinda loved them. The girls story seems to go nowhere, she was angry she had to be in space but seems to like being lost in space maybe? I dunno. Gary Oldman plays the bad guy and he is the reason to watch this movie. He's very entertaining. The biggest problem with this movie is Matt LeBlanc Le Blac? The fucker who played Joey from Friends. He is NOT a cool badass type hero. No way will I ever believe that. The man is just not good enough as an actor to pull that off. It comes off as annoying and bad. I would say that this movie is probably better than the Saint but I still wouldn't really recommend it. It's not awful but it's not really a necessary viewing. I like that they destroy the COOL 1990S robot and turn him into the GOOFY 1960S robot. At least kinda. I dunno.
HOT TAKE ALERT. HOT TAKE ALERT. You will not like this review! According to like every other person who has ever heard of this movie (and not actually seen it) this movie is a bad poopy pile. I am here to tell you that this movie is NOT a bad poopy pile! This movie is actually my favorite of the five. Will Smith is having a great time playing his character. Kevin Kline is having a great time playing his character. Salma Hayek is having a great time playing her character (AND YOU SEE HER BOOTY! THE MOVIE SHOULD HAVE WON AN OSCAR FOR THAT BEAUTY). Kenneth Branagh is having way way way too much fun with his role. He clearly is having more fun than should be legal. It's amazing. This movie is actually incredibly funny and incredibly fun to watch. I loved watching this movie. I laughed so much. It's actually geniunely funny as hell. The giant mechanical spider everyone goes on about is awesome. ITS A FUCKING GIANT MECHANICAL SPIDER JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE LEARN TO HAVE FUN WATCHING A DAMN MOVIE. I don't give a shit what anyone says AND ESPECIALLY PORTNOYD this movie is a good time and is the best movie on this list.
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This is the worst movie I watched of the five. I haven't seen every movie based on a television show but I know that they would have to be really really really bad to beat this one. This movie is based on another British show called The Avengers. These Avengers predate the comic book ones. They started in 1961. They even beat them to the silver screen. The 2012 Avengers movie is much better movie than this one. I have never seen an episode of the TV show BUT I can tell you this is like when your teacher tells you to read White Fang and then write a report on White Fang and you decide to spend your month to get it done by playing TMNT 4 Turtles in Time and watching I dunno Archie's Weird Mysteries instead and on the last day you quickly read two chapters and the back cover and write a report on that. You get a D-. I'm pretty sure you should at least watch some of the show you are doing a movie on. This movie is pretty dull with some weird things just thrown in. Like an invisible man. I get the feeling the tv show is done much better. This movie is also not very well written either. So Sean Connery and "Father" (a member of the Avengers spy program thing) team up to clone Emma Peel (played by Uma Thurman) for......some reason. I do not think the movie ever gives a reason. I guess it was to get her to join up with Ralph Fiennes to stop them???!? Also the only reason Sean Connery has to take over the world is for money. He has a weather changing machine. The episode of Inspector Gadget with a weather changing machine was much better than this. And much shorter. This movie is not funny or entertaining really. Even Sean Connery a man who was lively in EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERFORMANCE HE EVER GAVE was like "no i refuse" in the most scottish way ever. I do not like this movie and I hope portnoyd doesn't try to defend it. I actually doubt portnoyd has even seen any of these movies. Go play TMNT instead. Hell go read White Fang instead. Just do something else.
The Mod Squad was based on a late 1960s-early 1970s TV series that I have also never seen an episode of. Are you really surprised I've never seen any of the TV show episodes of these shows? Anyway I watched this and I thought it was pretty good and was pretty much worth a watch. It stars a group of pretty likable young actors who WERE ON THE ROAD TO CRIME AND BAD THINGS until DENNIS FARINA comes in and saves them. They start working with the police. Going to places where the police can't easily get too. Dennis Farina is killed and then THE MOD SQUAD have to find out who did it. This is a movie plot you've seen approx. 12,000 times. It's worth watching just because the three leads are very likable and fun to watch. Giovannai Ribisi reminds me of Pete Davidson except he's not terrible and doesn't make me want to puke out of my ass (don't try it kids. it hurts). I will now call him the Good Pete Davidson. Anyway I have the least amount of things to say about this movie execpt I wanted so badly to go on the internet and look up the name of two random cop actors. You've seen both of them play cops in like approx. 12,000 movies. said actors are this guy and this guy and now that I know who they are I can forget them again. Anyway I say this is good enough a piece of entertainment to watch it.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Poop. That's all I gotta say.
Ok claw, so you have to fess up - how is the Internet in Newfieville? In the US, we still have rural people on dialup quite literally and I don't think your internet is remotely that bad. I guess it's more NEWFIE FASCINATION on my part. Like, aside form the meese and the always fucking cold of being that north, how different is it from like, anywhere else? Like stereotypical "everywhere else". Yes, I know this is basically an entirely new post from you but I will ask here.
ReplyDeleteI fucking love Dragnet the movie. Comedy Tom Hanks is best Tom Hanks and if I ever meet him, I will tell him that if he decided to retire his career after Joe vs the Volcano, I would tell him that he had a better quality movie career than 90% of actors out there. Anyway, Dragnet is fucking goofy shit and that's what makes it fun. Dan Ackroyd and Hanks work off each other great. Plus Dabney Coleman with a lisp.
EXCUSE ME the best white person rap is the Vanilla Ice TMNT II rap at the end of the movie. Get it right.
I tried watching the Saint like 4 times because one of my college roommates, who I am still good friends with, really liked it. I don't know. I think Batman 3 ruined Val Kilmer for me, I don't know. I watched Batman 3 a lot because HBO and man, Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones were kind of awful villains. Anyway, I did not enjoy the Saint and I had no idea it was even a TV show.
I have seen a few Lost in Space episode and my memory of it was the penishead doctor was always trying to mess things up and the Robinson family were a bunch of dense motherfuckers. I think I've seen this movie once and it was awful. I don't remember a goddamn thing but my mind says it was crap.
I have seen Wild Wild West and while I do think it got unfairly treated by reviewers, I don't think it's especially good. SORRY CLAWZY. It is not bad though. I also haven't seen the original show and YOU DID NOT MENTION IT so I guess you didn't either. The problem with the movie is they tried to make Men In Black in the old west via a 1960s goofy western show. It didn't work. I will agree Kenneth Branaugh was hamming it up the right way though.
I'll be honest, I cannot comment on the Avengers unless they are by Marvel. The only thing I know about The Avengers from the 60s is Al Bundy oggling Emma Peel and that's about it. Do not worry, I will not defend this movie because I have never seen it nor will ever. And NO, I will throw out a WRONG here, the only movies I have not seen on his list are the last two.
And on that note, the Mod Squad is the same as Avengers. Literally "??????". I can't comment on it or the original. I will say the name Mod Squad annoys me. Also, how do you not know the incredible RICHARD JENKINS and SAM MACMURRAY. Especially SAMUEL. He was a standard accessory to many comedies in the 80s, both on TV and films. Mostly TV. Other than that, this movie came out when I was in college and no one I knew was motivated enough to see it, including my Saint loving roommate. So that says something. Also, I always get this movie confused with the movie Go from around the same time.