Alright, so it seems the first month I have already made it impossible to really get to twenty posts, so I'm going to change that idea from 20 posts to post at least every 3 days and with something fresh and new. So today's fresh and new thing is more NES game reviews. Okay, I plan to review something else next time but this is a really good selection of games and it makes up for the last six games being mostly fucking golf. I had more to say about Rodney Dangerfield and Chevy Chase than any of those Golf games. Thankfully I have a good amount of stuff to say about all of these games. So let's get to them!
Today's first review has a HOT TAKE. I did not see the Goonies until I was like sixteen years old. I rented it because everyone on the internet that would talk about 80s movies would talk about it. Here is the hot take: I did not like it. In fact it mostly annoyed the hell out of me. It's very much a movie you have to see between the ages of like 5 and 10. That's when it really hits the most. I might if SOME PEOPLE ARE GOOD rewatch it after 25 years (good lord I feel like Methuselah.) The Goonies actually had two games on the NES, which is why this game was called the Goonies II. It was not trying to be a sequel to the movie. The first game I think only showed up on Playchoice machines in America. That is a real shame because it was a really good game. One of the earliest Konami games and it was damn good. I think I might the Goonies more than the Goonies II. The Goonies II is a HUGE game. This is one that will take you some time to beat. It is very very large. It's one of those Metroid-esque games where you will have ot search everywhere to find stuff. It can be cryptic and annoying but to be fair all of those kindsa games have at least one FUCK YOU moment. The graphics are pretty good for the time and the music is CHEF'S KISS. Of course it's Konami and when did they ever make shit music? Like even in the Konami games that aren't very good they still knocked it out of the park with the music. Anyway The Goonies II is a game worth owning and playing through.
A while back, probably in late 2024. So not yesterday, one of the dumb retro video game channels on YouTube I watch because I have nothing better to do with my time. It's some guy who owns a store. One customer came in and traded in all of his old TMNT toys. Somehow he had kept his toys from his childhood and he traded them all in. Over a grand worth of them. You know why. so his stupid useless fucking shithead ass could get a copy of Gotcha. WITH 5 SCREWS!!!! This person is a mentally unwell morally corrupt human being that I could never love. Sorry but I treasure the few toys I still have from when I was a kid and wouldn't part with them for anything and for what. To get two extra fucking screws. That's what you are doing when you go to do that right. The screw variant collectors are fucking stupid morons and I'd say that to their face. I am a brash jerk sometimes but sometimes you need a brash jerk to tell you are being a stupid fucking moron. No it's not finding a new avenue to keep collecting something. It's a fucking mental illness starting to brew in your head. The only people worse than that guy are the people who literally have OVER A GRAND to spend on two extra screws. Not the game because you could get that for 5 cents. Those people should have all the money they make taken from them. I mean except for food and shelter. They do not deserve to collect things. Seriously, screw variant collecting helped ruin NES collecting for me. It showed that you didn't need to look for stuff, just brute force your way with the money you somehow have. If you collect Screw Variants then I hate you with all fibre of my being. Oh, and Gotcha! is just a really boring Zapper game. Possibly one of the worst Zapper games honestly.
Okay, it's time to calm down and actually review the games again. I mean there's very little to actually say about Gotcha anyway. You shoot guys and it's just not very interesting. It does not have whatever say Wild Gunman or Hogan's Alley or Duck Hunt has. So we get to a game that you can say things about Konami's Gradius. Which I think is a pretty long running series now. How many sequels or spinoffs does this game have now? I'm sure it's a good amount. Gradius was a well talked about NES game way back when people talked about the actual games and not OH MY GOD 5 SCREWSSSSS!!!! The first time I played this game I did not very much like it. I would get stuck at the mountain area in the first stage. Every time I played it. Until I actually looked up and figured out how to get past that and now I can get to....level 3. Yeah I find this game to be pretty hard. It's also pretty good. Although I do think the famicom only Gradius 2 is an improvement on this game. The music and graphics are pretty great and I think it's a pretty good shump. I enjoy it.
Goodie. We get to one of those game that barely count as a game. This is like Color A Dinosaur. It's so so simple. You literally have to look for Waldo and you find him. Somehow the other Waldo game at least feels more like a game. I think that one actually has a time out stuff in it. Anyway this almost game is very very boring. It shows really that not everything that was popular from the late 20th century was not worthy of being made into video games. It's strange because the Waldo books were pretty fun for what they were. They were never your TOP PICK FOR ENTERTAINMENT but I'm sure we all flipped through one and went THERE'S THAT DUMB SHIT. I mean he also had a cartoon series. That's not actually saying much because everyone had a damn cartoon series prior to the year 2000. I'm sure there's a Portnoyd animated series out there somewhere and IM SURE IT'S TERRIBLE! There's so very little here to talk about that I wish I could talk about another golf game. I mean I could review Who's Your Caddy. Yes. I watched that movie. Yes, it was the last time Jeffery "BOY LOVER" Jones ever starred in anything. Yes, It's fucking terrible. You see what this shit has made me do?!?
As a kid I loved the Gremlins movies. They were both so good. If they had said a Gremlins 3 was coming out anytime before streaming services decided we needed to bring everything back I would have went to see it thirty times. Now, I'll probably watch it (yes I complain about things and then watch them. piss off) but I am not excited about the supposed new Gremlins movie that is coming out. I mean if I heard Joe Dante was apart of it I would SO come back. That dude should be making more movies. All of the other movies he made are pretty great. Joe Dante rules. Anyway had I known they made a Gremlins game as a kid we would have owned several copies. I was THAT into Gizmo and those green fuckers. I didn't find this game out until I was a teenager and man it was worth the wait. This game is one of THE best games based on a license (as in movie or tv show) and well it was SUNSOFT that made it. Sunsoft was one of THE best NES companies. This game has great everything really. The graphics do THE most you can with the old NES. The music is great. You get to pick out all kinds of stuff for Gizmo to buy from that old Asian guy from the two movies (who also voiced a character in CHARLIE CHAN AND THE CHAN CLAN a HANNA BARBERA masterpiece). The levels are pretty well designed and the game has a pretty good challenge level. This is an excellent game that is very much worth to be in your collection.
Has there ever been a post in this series that has had 3 COMPLETE BANGERS in it? I think the best was TWO bangers but this post beats that one. Goonies II, Gremlins 2, and Guardian Legend are three games anyone who wants a good NES collection needs to own. Like they are NECESSARY in my mind to play. Guardian Legend was a game I found either through emulation or because it was on a flea market table for 5 bucks. I can't really remember, but I know that the second I played it I knew I liked it just because of the WEIRD mash up Compile decided to go with. This game is a "look around nad find stuff" mixed in with a shoot em up game. This might be the best shump on the NES. Either this one or a game in the next group. This is a wonderful game. The look around and find stuff is great fun because you know you'll get a crazy cool weapon that will help you find other places. This is a game worth playing any time. The graphics are very well done. The music is great. This is a game worth owning and definitely worth playing. Totally one of the top 100 NES games ever.
Don't feel you have to set thresholds for posts. As many or as few as you'd like to make is good with us.
ReplyDeleteSo you didn't like Goonies the movie, but liked both of the games? I guess I can see not liking the movie if you didn't see it when you were young. I love it but that's me who saw it sometime before I hit double digits.
Both games are pretty great. I remember playing Goonies I in the arcade but it wasn't a Playchoice 10. It might have been a conversion though. Goonies II is kind of obtuse, but it's reasonable as long as you go everywhere and beat the shit out of every wall in every 3D room. Also, all adventure games these days (fuck Metroidvania) should do gating like Goonies II does it. You don't even realize it's gating. These days, all the fucking games make it so obvious that "oh you need a double jump to proceed" or whatever. The only rub to Goonies II is the gameplay can be a little boring and unlimited continues means sometimes it's best just to grind your face into paste instead of being careful. But otherwise, a really good game.
I fully admit when I finished my NES set, I looked briefly at screw variants, but then I realized how small and pointless they are to collect so I stopped. Anyone who doesn't have this realization is a complete idiot. $1000 for Gotcha. How stupid do you have to be? Answer: very stupid.
Gotcha is not a good game. The biggest problem with this game is it is so minimalist. One music track, three levels, that's it. They didn't even really try. The most notable thing about this game is the psycho in camoflauge on the cover. Yeah.
Gradius and all the Gradiuseses after it are really good, but like you, I absolutely blow at them. I will stop here and let someone who is not terrible at Gradiuseses comment aka Damien.
You ever seen that scene from Clockwork Orange where Malcolm McDowell has his eyes strapped open, forced to watch something. If the portnoyd animated series existed, I would make you watch it like that. #Bratwurstesque
Yeah, the Waldo games fall into edutainment basically and aren't real games. Oh well. Part of the flavor of the NES library.
Gremlins 2 is indeed good and fun. It's the right level of challenge for sure. I have never liked platforming on the axis that games like Gremlins are on, which can be harder than they should be. But it's still a very good game. A little on the short side is the biggest knock, which isn't a knock at all.
Gremlins 2 the movie is a fucking masterpiece though. It's so insane but a good insane.
Guardian Legend being a necessary play is completely correct. One of my favorite NES games, I had this when I was growing up. I remember getting this and getting lunch with my dad. Yes, it has a memory attached. I never beat the game as a kid, but I did beat it probably 15 years ago, and it was quite satisfying to do so. I would say this game fits into the top 25 imo.