The Final Episode #55: Veronica's Closet (1997 - 2000)

 

One of the best things about being a sad loser who other kids would never hang out with was that you got a lot of free time to watch all the television and movies you can. I can now make references to Veronica's Closet and Rugsuckers From Outer Space. While all of you were enjoying the company of other people I was not enjoying the comedic stylings of Veronica's Closet, but I can easily say that I was there man! I watched Veronica's Closet. If by watched you mean turn this show on for 5 minutes and then go "fucking hell this shit sucks" and then turn on Caroline in the City. Yes I watched Caroline in the City. Are you really surprised? I had all the time in the world to do this stuff and I didn't want to be at school so I would never do any homework and spend as much time as I could spending my time doing things that weren't school. Sorry I'm not in the greatest of moods today and this very poor piece of 90s TV does not help.

Veronica's Closet for the many many people who had better things to do with the precious God given gift of life, was a sitcom starring Kirstie Alley. Kirstie is a actress that I have never not once ever really liked seeing in a movie or television show. I liked the movie Madhouse but that's just because of every one else in the film. It's not because she's a Donald Trump supporting conservative. It's that she's never been good at her job. She is not funny or charming or a good actress. She even brought down the show Cheers. I'm a Shelly Long man, damnit. She's still better than Kirstie Alley. Fuck you if you disagree. This is gonna be an angry review because I'm in a pissy mood and this crap doesn't help. This sitcom took place at a lingerie company called Veronica's Closet. whoopidee shit.

The characters on this show were Josh, a man who for most of the series was heterosexual but GET THIS he liked things that weren't manly and were totally gay!!!! That is pure proof he loves to kiss men and is a man lover and wow what a great joke! This joke was done a bit better in the movie In & Out but both that movie and this show ruin whatever comedy can come from that situation by actually making the characters BE gay. Yes, Josh ends up coming out in the 3rd season and dates some fancy black man (the only black person in a 90s tv show who wasn't a ANGRY BLACK MAN). The joke is completely dead when the character actually is gay and just happens to like stereotypical gay things. Like it's barely a good joke but it's dead when they are actually shown to be gay. There's also Leo and man there are TV series from the 1970s that have better developed black characters than most from the 1990s. Like if it wasn't Family Matters every black person on a sitcom that I've seen as of late was the stereotypical ANGRY BLACK GUY. I'll give this guy that much he's probably the best actor in the show and actually seems to care. Perry uh was a player. Yeah that's it. Oh and Olive was Kathy Najimy so she played a Kathy Najimy character. I actually like that lady but she's so much better in many other things.

The Final Episode of Veronica's Closet was called Veronica Checks Out and appeared in 2000. In the New Millennium when we had just fought off the Y2K bug and all that. I don't care enough to check out the day of this episodes ending. No one cares. It involves Veronica dating Perry and oh man they have problems because shes his boss! Oh man! You could probably make funny stuff out of this situation but they certainly didn't try! I'm really not very hard to please with comedy but I think I laughed twice during the two episodes I watched. That's not very good. Yeah I ended up watching two episodes because this wasn't something I watched back in the day and I watched Caroline in the City AND Suddenly Susan. It wasn't like I had taste at the tender age of 12 but even then I realized Kirstie Alley sucks. She's not a very good actor.

Oh and Kathy Najimy apparently made tons of money, like millions on the internet and quit her job. Now she wants to buy out this lady June's half of the company. Apparently she married a guy named Alec who owned half of the company and was in a relationship with Veronica. He ends up falling into a Volcano (actually it turns out that she pushed him in. Despite in the episode she first appears in not even realizing this guy had money. Also wouldn't he have to change his will within the 2 days they were married. Hey maybe if the cast or the writers had put effort into the jokes I wouldn't be nitpicking them) Kathy Najimy ends up getting her half of the business. Woo.

The Gay Stereotype Man's boyfriend whos name is Bree? or Brie? I don't know. Ask his parents. Bree comes out to his conservative black parents who want to meet him. Only problem is that he's a white man and they are conservative!!! Oh man!!!! They rope THE ANGRY BLACK MAN into going on a date with Bree until Perry or some other shithead does something HE doesn't think is honest, which they then respond "hey aren't you supposed to be on a date with your boyfriend and his parents!" Which causes him to go to the restaurant and woah!!! everything ends up working out for him!!!! WOAH!!!!

It then ends with everyone happily exclaiming something. Perry and Veronica happily exclaim they are dating! Kathy Najimy happily exclaims that she is half owner now! Josh exclaims that he's going to be moving in with his boyfriend and THE ANGRY BLACK MAN exclaims hes going to see some foliage. Yes we liked to see leaves change in the late 90s and early 2000s. If this were any other show I'd be like well that was not a very good joke but since this is a very lazy television show I'm pretty sure this was their way of saying goodbye because this was The Final Episode. I'm honestly amazed that I remember this show because it's about as memorable as The Brady Bunch and I'm sure as hell it hasn't been replayed as much as that show. This show's biggest problem is that it doesn't seem to try enough. I mean one of the characters dies from falling into a volcano. You think they'd go the full way and make a scene where you actually see that. Nope, just volcano. This entire show just feels halfassed, but then you see that Kirstie Alley was a producer and you realize why.

FINAL VERDICT: I think this is the new winner for the worst Final Episode. I didn't think Spider-Man 1967 would ever get dethroned but at least you still got some of those weird trippy visuals you'd see from the third season of this show. This show has nothing. Congrats Kirstie Alley on the bottom spot!

 

The Final Episode #54: The Brady Bunch (1969 - 1974)

 

I like to keep it relatively upbeat and positive on this silly blog and talk about things that I enjoy. The only time I don't do that is when I want to yell at portnoyd, but sometimes you gotta talk about godawful stuff you never liked. Sometimes its because that stuff stuck with you for decades despite not being popular like Monster By Mistake. Sometimes it was because the stuff was ungodly popular and you couldn't understand why that was so like Friends. Even when I talk about something I don't like I still try to be somewhat positive and at least not make fun of people for like it. It's all silly ass entertainment in the end really. Except if your portnoyd he's wrong about everything and is stupid. That big jerk needs to get his ass kicked by a giant donkey or something equally foolish. I wouldn't have to write awful introductions like this if I was reviewing something I did enjoy now would I. Alas we have to talk about The Brady Bunch.

The Brady Bunch was a tv show that ran for what felt like 82 years but in reality was only 5. From 1969 to 1974. One of those shows that ended in one decade and started in another one. I'm sure one thing that could possibly be interesting is to see how the 1960s ended and the 1970s because well the 1970s. Just because it became 1970 didn't mean styles and ideals and stuff changed. It takes a while for any decade to really find its footing really. You can really see this in this final episode because the clothing is pure 1970s. I kinda find that fascinating really. The main plot of The Brady Bunch was a man marries a woman who has 3 daughters and he has 3 sons. It's pretty much taken from the 1968 film Yours, Mine and Ours with Lucille Ball and I believe Henry Fonda as the parents of like at least 18 kids. Oh and they remade it in the 2000s for Nickelodeon and the remake was very bad. I once went through a phase where I watched all those remakes and reboots from the late 90s and 2000s and they were all mostly not great. People bitching at reboots and remakes forget that Hollywood has always been kinda lazy and will with something that was a hit even if they forget what made that thing a hit in the first place.

Here is the paragraph where I talk about the old memories I have of The Brady Bunch. I'm pretty sure every person who is not Amish has seen this television show. I'm even going to go out of my way and say some Amish people have seen some episodes. It had a lot of episodes to rerun because it was made between 1950 and 1974 because every tv series had a ton of episodes then. I watched it on TBS when it became a part of our cable company and it was on at like 6 o clock. Getting up early to watch anything on weekdays was worth it for me for reasons I don't really want to get into let's just say I didn't like school and getting to see anything before school was worth it. I want to say it replaced Sailor Moon or the Mega Man cartoon which are both better pieces of entertainment than this show. I didn't really like this show but I would get up early to watch it anyway. I was weird. My dad made fun of me saying I was in love with Marsha. My dad is weird. He likes to watch music cd informercials just to listen to the songs they play. He's one of a kind.

That and the one episode of The Brady Bunch where Marsha gets hit in the face with a ball of some kind, I do not remember one thing about The Brady Bunch. Does anyone? I seriously think this may be the least memorable sitcom of all time. I never see many people mention any great moments from this series except for Marsha getting smacked in the face with a ball. I don't even remember the ball. Does anyone? I'm seriously asking because I'm sure you can remember moments from every other sitcom you've seen. Like actually funny moments and not someone getting smacked in the face with a ball. I really am baffled because I believe everyone's seen this show but the only thing that ever gets referenced is Marsha getting hit in the face with a ball. I'd like a fan of this show to actually tell me some memorable moments. It's weird because the same guy who made this Gilligan's Island and that is actually at least memorable.

The Final Episode is just as memorable as the rest of the episodes. This episode involves Bobby Brady the youngest boy getting taken by advisements for hair tonic and buying all of it to resell. He gets Cousin Oliver (people seem to hate this kid but he's honestly just about as interesting as the other kids to me) to buy tonic and fails. Cindy Brady also tries to sell rabbits and ALSO tries to con Cousin Oliver into helping her. She also fails because she ended up buying two male rabbits and they can't make any babies. Oh and Greg Brady uses the tonic and his hair turns orange. I wish they made it look worse because it's only kinda awful looking really.

He ends up going to a Beauty Parlor to get it dyed BUT OH NO two ladies from school see him and they might think he's A FRUITY BOTTOM MAN KISSER and Greg the Stud can't have that so he lies and says his mother is bald. He gets his hair dyed and oh Bobby gets the hair tonic accidently on the rabbits so they get to sell them back to the pet store AND sells the hair tonic so the pet store guy can turn the rabbits orange. Yeah that's it. I got more out of Punky Brewster and Webster and they were fucking clip shows. Oh and Mike Brady doesn't show up because Robert Reed thought this episode's plot was cliché and WOAH holy SHIT man you finally figured that out after 5 years and who knows how many episodes!

FINAL VERDICT: This show was really honestly boring as hell. I really did not enjoy it. I will put this higher than the Power Rangers ending, Everybody Loves Raymond, or the Spider-Man 1967 show but not very much higher. I have a movie where Robert Reed, Mike Brady himself plays a obscene phone caller. I didn't know where else to put that information but I believe people need to know that exists. It's called The Secret Night Caller.

Comic Review #33: Sleepwalker #4 (1991)

 

I had a lot of fun talking about Darkhawk #1 a few days ago so I felt it was just natural to discuss my other favorite Marvel guy from the 1990s. Another rather obscure character that I'm sure will be turned into a movie. Speaking of obscure Marvel properties why the hell haven't they milked the hell out of Power Pack? Like that would be a damn hit if they made a cartoon of that. Note to self, review a Power Pack comic. Anyway todays review is of a Sleepwalker comic. So come join me as we talk about some crazy shit. It's always fun!

So here is the paragraph that's usually longer than anything else because I talk about the creators of this fine comic book. First up is the man who co-created Sleepwalker and wrote I believe every issue of his series (all 33!) Mister Bob Budiansky, most famous for his work on the Transformers, both the comic and toy line. Wrote 55 of the 80 issues of the comic and came up with the names for pretty much every Transformer. Except Optimus Prime, that was apparently Denny O' Neil (RIP). I enjoy his stuff as it's wild and weird but still has that realistic touch to it (the relationship stuff between Sleepwalkers host and all that kinda stuff). The second person is the artist of this comic Rick Leonardi. The man's been working on comic books since 1981 with Thor #303. I like his art. He makes Sleepwalker look creepy and weird like the character should. We will get to what you should never make Sleepwalker look like one day. Another note to myself: Review Thor #303 and a Transformers comic.

I'm not actually sure what the full origin of Sleepwalker is. You see I'm lazy when it comes to my blog, very lazy so I didn't read issue #1 I just read issue #4. Apparently every intelligent mind  is connected to this dimension called the Mindscape and that's where Sleepwalker comes from. He gets connected to a guy named Rick Sheridan and whenever he goes to sleep. A nice little blurb you can put on the top of each page near the STAN LEE PRESENTS. Why doesn't Stan Lee Present these comics anymore? Anyway you get a good enough idea about the character from this comic. 

So the character that Sleepwalker fights this week is called BOOKWORM. I picked this comic just for this reason. He gets his powers from a sleeping Rick Sheridan because Rick is connected to the Mindscape more closely than other living beings I guess. He amplified some stuff with his computers and got a electric shock. He gets powers to take heroes and villains out of any book and here's the reason I picked this comic. This reminds me of Meteor Man and I wanted to be the only blog on the internet that still updates to mention that Robert Townsend classic. Meteor Man gets powers to get any information out of a book for 30 seconds. Yeah, so that's about it. Thankfully this is still a fun enough comic that I don't feel like it was a slog to write about. Note to self: Review Meteor Man.

Of course getting his powers he finally decides to go and get revenge over being picked on by Whitney Cooper III (a preppy asshole) and Whitney gets freaked the fuck out when he pulls out some fucking Amazon women out of a book to wreck his shit. It's amazing. I love it. He doesn't get killed because you know the hero of the comic saves him but the ordeal has freaked him out so badly that its all he can talk about. Don't fuck with the Bookworm. Sleepwalker leaves a telephone message (having learned about them from Rick leaving HIM a telephone message) and then he learns about Bookworm always going to the library. Bookworm somehow got a sexy 90s babe to date him and they go to the library. He and Sleepwalker fight for a bit and then The Sexy 90s Babe Whos Name I Forgot trips up Bookworm giving Sleepwalker enough time to capture him. 

FINAL VERDICT: This comic was a lot of fun to read. I enjoyed the weird mix of bronze age comic and more modern stuff. I like Sleepwalker and his design. I haven't read all 33 issues because only random issues of this comic ever showed up at the local stores around here. Same with Darkhawk. and New Warriors (note to self review New Warriors to bother portnoyd) and if I ever get a job at Marvel Comics writing Howard the Duck or something, expect Bookworm to make a return! He hasn't been used since this issue and I think that's a shame honestly. He's a fun goofball villain and you know that I love me some of them.

The Final Episode #53: Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers (1986 - 1987)

 

One of my favorite things about this blog is finally getting to dig into the weird and obscure stuff that doesn't get as much attention as say Transformers. I feel that Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers is an example of a somewhat obscure thing that I've brought to the light of day. Probably not the most obscure seeing as I like to review weirdo religious movies but still. That the best thing about The Final Episode is no matter how obscure or well known the show is it had an ending and I'm able to talk about it. Boy howdy is this a great one. 

Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers is a cartoon series from the 1980s. It has a lot of history behind it actually. The company behind it Gaylord Entertainment Company. It started as a tabernacle all the way back in 1892. A tabernacle is some kind of religious building or something? It became a hotel chain in 1925 and ran by Edward Gaylord. That was back in the day when you could have the name Gaylord and not be made fun of. I don't know why they mention it was a tabernacle first on Wikipedia but I felt like I had to mention it. It became the home for the Grand Ole Opry for like 30 years! Who doesn't love the Grand Ole Opry??? It went from hotel chains to making entertainment for people because they wanted more money. That's pretty much the whole reason. One of the things they made was this show.

Tokyo Media Shinsha did the animation and I think it's time for me to discuss them because holy hell did they do a lot of animation work. The Name clearly shows that they were a part of GLORIOUS NIPPON! They started all the way back in 1946, must have been one of the first anime companies ever. They did Lupin the 3rd and Detective Conan and one of the Golgo 13 movies. Those are the only animes they've done that I've heard of. For American audiences they worked on Inspector Gadget, Batman: The Animated Series, Spider-Man: The Animated Series, The Real Ghostbusters, Tiny Toon Adventures, Animaniacs, and a bunch of others. You totally saw TMS animate something as a kid. They were bought up by the Sega Sammy Corporation. You know Sega games and AMERICAN SAMMY (my favorite name for a video game company ever!) Yeah they own them now. Everyone owns everyone else even all over the world. It's sad.

So what is The Adventures of Galaxy Rangers even about you ask? Well my dear sweet inquisitive person I just made up! This show is about two aliens coming to earth to ask for our help. They give us blueprints for the hyperdrive and we go out and live in space. We need a space police force of sorts so they get the Galaxy Rangers and they give them horses like its a western because the horse would be an extra toy for your parents to buy. Yes this had a toy line too. Yes I do think the people who made these cartoons still put effort into them but they clearly were only made for the toy lines. It can be both people who rag on 80s cartoons while masturbating feverously to some terrible shit like Adventure Time. I will never get the popularity of that show. The big bad of the show was the Queen of the Crown who well wanted to take over the universe. I'm guessing they fought other bad guys too but this is the first episode of the show I've seen. Yeah, I was lazy so I didn't watch more than one. 

The Final Episode is well a pretty big doozy. It's not like they finally stop the Queen of the Crown because it wasn't one of the 80s cartoons that got a definite ending. I can't even think of one that had a definite ending right now. Some just ended on cliffhangers like The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin. This is a better episode than that because this is action packed and ridiculous. It makes sense that this was animated by an anime company because holy hell this series finale is buck wild. It starts with one of the Galaxy Rangers named "Doc" who is well the guy whos good with mechanics and stuff I think. He wants the people of this planet that's based around medieval stuff to awaken the HEART OF TARKAN but the King's advisor doesn't want this because well he's the secret bad guy of the episode duh. They have to wake up the HEART OF TARKAN so that they wont be destroyed by the Queen of the Crown.

He finally gets the King to agree to at least put on the All Seeing Eye (for people who apparently hate machines they are using these things that uh pretty machine like) and he sees that TARKAN will be destroyed if they open up the HEART. He then joins the Galaxy Ranger and his daughter against the Kings Advisor and a bunch of pissed off people. They escape via cool airship. Not as cool as Teddy Ruxpin's airship but that's a hard bar to press. Despite the fact they are in stormy weather. They need Doc to help fix some shit on the airship. There's a second airship ran by the King's Advisor who jumps out on a damn wind ski thing and so does Doc. They end up fighting and then a LIGHTING BOLT hits the Kings Advisor and he turns into Scarecrow! I love this crazy fuckers design. I think they fought before but I can't be sure on that but man this Scarecrow would have probably scared the shit out of me. 

Doc stops him and then cuts into the Airships balloon and they make it to the HEART OF TARKAN. The Heart turns out to be a big machine. There's a hologram and it tells them they need a lifeforce to keep living. The Shaman ends up giving up his lifeforce to the machine and becomes the Hologram. Scarecrow is back and is talking about his ancient foes of Tarkan. So I guess Tarkan was in more than just this episode and after he fights Doc and the others the Shaman gets sick of his shit and BLOWS THE MOTHER FUCKER UP. Holy shit. I would have watched this cartoon daily if they had shown it on YTV. I would have made sure this show was on the air until 2020. They save Tarkan and the King gets everyone to agree to be okay with machines. They agree and everyone is happy.

FINAL VERDICT: This episode was pretty wild. Like absolutely nuts. I don't think the plots perfect or anything because these Tarkans have technology and someone does mention alien technology is what they hate but thats like once and that technology is clearly not the All Seeing Eye or the HEART OF TARKAN. I think this could have used a second part to fix up some stuff. I dunno. I was entertained and it was pretty fun. I say check it out.

Comic Review #32: Darkhawk #1 (1991)

 

A tip to any collectors who also want to read these things and don't have enough money. Do not, I repeat DO NOT spend the insane amount of money people want for this #1 First Appearance right now. This is not Thanos or the Fantastic Four where you won't find a copy of it. No this is a comic book that sold well enough that you'd be able to find tons upon tons of issues of it in 25 cent to 1 dollar bins. I don't know how or why it went up in price. Probably someone speculating that they are going to be in a Marvel Cinematic Universe movie that I'm growing to kinda hate more and more. Seriously keep looking long enough and you'll find this comic. It's a pretty good comic that I enjoy quite a bit but is it in no way worth $300 bucks which it goes for in NM condition I guess. The second he gets put in a Marvel Movie (and trust me if the Eternals can get a Marvel Movie, Darkhawk can too. No hero is obscure enough anymore. Also expect Howard the Duck to get him self a new tv series or movie. Even if the one from the 1980s probably will end up having more charm to it. Once you realize that most of the Marvel movies are very similar you kinda get bored of them. The comics are better than the movies and I will fight anyone who says differently.

I'm also going to fight portnoyd because this comic was a lot of fun to read. I really had a great time but I'll get that into the review. First up is a bit of history about the writer or artist. I think I'm gonna go wit the artist this time. Mike Manley doesn't seem to be anyone's favorite artist from the 1990s but honestly I like him. He's got a good style. It's just not as flashy in a good way (like say Jim Lee) or flashy in a bad horrible ugly awful way (Rob Liefeld) so he kinda got lost in the fervor of the 1990s. I think his art is good and I like it.  He worked on  Batman, Superman, The Phantom and even a Aliens Vs. Predator comic. He also co-created the character we are going to talking about today.

I mostly picked this comic despite what portnoyd said because I realized I have not talked about a first appearance or a first issue. I might say this character is a bit more 1990s than I remember but this is a story and character created by talented people who knew how to create characters like Tom DeFalco and Danny Fingeroth and Mike Manley who created a likeable character and a neat costume. On the other hand Jim Lee and Rob Liefeld pretty much created bad ripoffs of Marvel Characters. Youngblood and W.I.L.D.Cats are bad and I refuse to ever read them. They can suck my taint something fierce. So It's not that I dislike 1990s excess in comic books I just dislike when it's bad. Like Youngblood. Portnoyd likes Youngblood and has read every issue.

So what was this comic book about then Clawzy! Well thank you for asking person I made up! I will tell you all about Darkhawk #1. It starts with the Hobgoblin who at this point was the Jason Macendale Hobgoblin (who was cooler when he was the original Jack O Lantern). The people who wrote him tried so many things. To give him demon powers in the X-Men crossover Inferno. To give him a cybernetic  eye. To having him fight other heroes all the time. They just never made him as cool as the original Hobgoblin even if I do have a nostalgic love for some of those issues Demon Hobgoblin issues. The Second Hobgoblin wants this powerful item that he's been told exists somewhere in New York. He is working with Phillipe Bazin, a crime lord to find this item. 

Phillipe Bazin is trying to buy off the mother of our soon to be new superhero who is a District Attorney but she won't budge period! She's not that kinda lady, Bazin! You fuck! Then we go to Chris Powell and he talks about Wonderland a theme park that's going to be torn down (If you guess that's where the super powered item the Hobgoblin and Bazin want then you'd be right! Congratulations! Have fun and do a happy dance!  Chris has two brothers Jason and Jon. They are twins and like 11 years old. They really want to go see Wonderland before it gets torn down. Oh and their dad is a cop who doesn't want to be a cop anymore. Totally broken down about crime and all that stuff and yes if you guess he's going to take Phillipe Bazin's money then have a second happy dance for being right! Except if you portnoyd. No dancing for him. The jerk.

So Chris is babysitting and his cool early 90s friends come and take him out to the milkshake shoppe. He says he will only be 15 minutes but is an hour and when he gets back he gets a earfull from his mother. He goes to Wonderland to look for them and meets some hobo. The hobo tells him where they are and he and his brothers end up finding their dad taking money from Bazin! Not a good sight! There's a fight and Chris and his brothers get away. Chris finds an amulet that is the POWERFUL ITEM OF DOOM and uses it and becomes THE DARKHAWK. Or in a joke I found amusing was when Chris quickly thinking of a name to call himself calls him the really lame name of Edge-Man because Chris mentioned how he wanted to help his dad fight crime but needed an edge. He fights off 3 goons and one of them while trying to kill Chris kills himself and all thats left is a damn skeleton. Don't play around with electricity people it's not cool! Chris goes back to his dad who leaves them! We get a scene of the family where the two twins fight over one of them calling their dad a crook. Chris goes back to Wonderland to find it all destroyed, his hope to find anything about the amulet destroyed. THE MYSTERIOUS HOBO mentions the name he will take on DARKHAWK.

FINAL VERDICT: Yeah it's a little silly and you can easily tell what's gonna happen but I found a bunch of Darkhawk comics in a dollar bin at one point and had fun with them. It's not the best first appearance or a origin ever but it still keeps me intrigued enough to see what happens to Chris Powell and his family. Whats up with the amulet and all that stuff. I've pretty much forgotten those comics so re-reading them will be a treat. I will re-read an issue and review it every time Portnoyd is a really big shithead instead of a regular shithead so expect a new review every now and then.

The Final Episode #52: Punky Brewster (1984 - 1988)

 

I know that I write about a lot of sitcoms and cartoons as Final Episodes but this is really an column of sorts that really started because I just thought it would be neat to showcase the Final Episodes of TV shows I watched as a kid. It grew into something a bit different but I still go back to stuff I did watch. So I talk about a lot of sitcoms and cartoons because I watched sitcoms and cartoons. I wasn't the weird kid watching Star Trek or Hill Street Blues behind his parents back or something. No I watched Punky Brewster like a good little boy/not nerd. I wouldn't be come a nerd until it wasn't fashionable to still enjoy this stuff and become a boring adult whos only fun he gets is from getting black out drunk. It's easier to be a nerd than that on your liver. Of course you have to deal with other nerds so that's not so easy on your brain. What I'm saying is you gotta deal with shit no matter who you are sometimes. Uh where was I? Oh yeah Punky Brewster.

I still enjoy reviewing the Final Episodes of cartoons and sitcoms because you never know what you are gonna get. In the realm of sitcoms it seems to be one of four things: A wedding, A baby, Moving out of the family home/beloved area the show took place or A clip show. Punky Brewster actually combines two of these things for its Final Episode which I will get into when I go over the history and the overall plot of the show like I usually do so keep on reading to find out what the hell I'm babbling on about (I promise you this time you will find out) 

Punky Brewster had a weird premise honestly. It was about a little girl around 10 years old who was abandoned by her mother in a Chicago department store. She would find a vacant apartment to live in with her dog Brandon before being found out by Henry played by George Gaynes. George is probably most famous for playing Commandant Lassard in Police Academy, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, Police Academy 3: Back in Training, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach, Police Academy 6: City Under Seige, and Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (yes they finally got rid of the sequel numbers at part 7). He did not show up for the animated series (I don't think anyone did) or the live action show (Michael Winslow did though bless his heart).

Henry and Punky become close and Henry becomes her foster father and then adopts her sometime in season two I believe. Punky becomes friends with Cherie and all kinds of other kids in the apartment building. They go on your usual shinanagians that sitcom kids get up too. This show also talked about some serious shit and got dark. Cherie gets stuck in a damn refrigerator.  I must also comment on how they had a cartoon spinoff by Ruby-Spears called It's Punky Brewster that ran for one season of about 12 episodes on Saturday Morning. She befriended an alien or some mystical creature and that's all I know about it. It sounds fucking wild. Oh and this show had TK Carter AND Eddie Deezen in it (although Deezen leaves after a few episodes in season one) and ANY thing that has those two in it is worth while.

So what were my memories of Punky Brewster, well for one my kid sister loved the show so much that she called this dog toy she got Brandon. She still has that toy 25 or so years later. Pretty wild I think. I wish I didn't tear the shit out of my toys. Anyway Punky Brewster to the best of my memory would come on one of the SPECIAL channels. You know the channels that would stay scrambled until you paid for them. I believe one was a movie channel, one was The Family Channel which was Disney Channel Canada Style (this channel would show Duck Tales so it was cool too) and I believe TBS was the channel that showed Punky Brewster. This would make sense as the Family Channel and TBS would become a part of our cable package after enough time. We went from 20 channels to I think around 40. It was wild the day waking up to find that out. Anyway Punky Brewster wasn't something I sought out but of all the shows I had to watch with my sister this one was fine. It was charming and funny and I had already seen every Police Academy movie (don't worry I will not repeat the list) so I liked seeing Commandant Lassard be a nice old man instead of a goof. I also desperately wanted a dog as a child so getting to see Brandon in just about every episode was always great. Brandon got himself into like 8,000 costumes it seemed.

So I think I should start by mentioning this according to Cherie Johnson (who played Punky Brewster's best friend Cherie and would also play Laura Winslow's best friend Maxine in Family Matters) this wasn't intended to be the Final Episode because of the 1988 Writers Striker. I don't know if that means they were planning to renew this show for Season 5 and the Strike messed things up or if they just had to hurriedly come up with something for the Final Episode. Now I know what you are thinking: Oh yay a new CLIP SHOW Final Episode. I love hearing Michael complain about old clip show episodes. It's a great time for everyone anywhere! Thing is this clip show episode is weird because it's also a wedding episode. 

Yes that's right, at least this clip show episode was something more than the cast talking in a room about old memories of old episodes so that they could show clips and call this a new episode. They actually give this one a plot. So you are asking yourself Is Henry getting maried? Nope. Now you are all weirded out because there's not many other choices of who can get married. This doesn't take place in Alabama so they can't have child brides so who gets married!? If you guess Brandon the dog than yes. You are correct! Brandon gets married! To Brenda! I liked the bit when Henry thinks Brenda is Brandon and sees two Golden Retrievers and makes some silly joke about having Double Vision. The comedy in Punky Brewster is very silly but still feels kinda natural. 

This might be my second favorite clip show after Webster because well there's still stuff to talk about. This entire episode has so many dogs in it so if you love canines you will love this episode. After watching it you will probably get depressed because you realize that all of those canines and several members of the cast have all gone on to Heaven (remember All Dogs go to Heaven told us that well all dogs go to heaven and I'm sure George Gaynes went to heaven too becuase God wanted another Police Academy movie I guess?) I also enjoyed seeing Cherie's grandma or aunt or whatever she was crying over the wedding. I enjoyed the interaction between her and Gaynes. Still there's not that much to talk about because it's also a wedding episode and they didn't really have enough time to do anything new with the wedding stuff because of the Writers Strike. Still they made a better clip show than fucking Spider-Man 1967 did that's for sure.

FINAL VERDICT: Maybe I'm not being completely fair because it is a clip show and I can't say I'm in love with them but seeing the clips of Brandon acting like a silly dog were fun. I like silly dog clips. It's like this episode was Youtube before Youtube! This episode also has a Care Bear cookie jar in it and if that doesn't mean it gets a passing grade than I don't know what does!

Comic Review #31: Marville #1 (2002)

 

This comic has a weird history behind it. Everyone I've ever seen mention it has mentioned it's the worst comic book Marvel put out in its 82 year history. Hell some consider it the worst comic book period. I've never seen a positive or respectful word to be said about this comic ever on the internet. Not a single person has ever praised this book. I honestly was scared because well comic book fans are a picky lot and never agree on anything but if they can agree on this then hoo boy it must be bad bad bad. I decided that today will be the time I delve into the first issue (I had planned to write about the entire thing but the first issue was so bad that I felt I could get enough out of just that so here we are) 

I guess we do the usual thing we do in these reviews and talk about the creator of the comic. Bill Jemas was the president of Marvel Comics and it seemed he didn't very much like comic books. He didn't like continuity and thought it clogged up stories and made it impossible for newbies (I don't fully disagree here but I also like the fact that Marvel Comics has this weird ongoing narrative that hasn't been stopped since forever) and actively insulting the fans of the stuff. I know Comicsgate thinks someone telling you to fuck off after you call them a piece of shit or a (insert bigoted slur here) is insulting the fans but those guys are just Twitter Culture War Morons and not actual fans of comic books. Anyway enough about those turds and more about Bill Jemas. Bill ended up getting into a fight with Peter David over his Captain Marvel series and said that it needed to be more engaging to newer fans so he put up a bet to see who could get the most new fans and well let's say the man with actual talent won which as you can see wasn't Bill Jemas.

I gotta start with the opening page and I will post an image from this because I have too to get my point across. In the second paragraph of this opening page if you can't see, Bill Jemas takes a pretty shitty and nasty hit at Paul Levitz of DC Comics. Yeah I know port will be like LOL THEY STINK but I think even port can realize that there's a huge difference between a silly jab and being like LOL UR BAD AT UR JOB EVEN THOUGH WERE THE COMPANY WHO WENT BANKRUPT! Saying he wants to keep his company obscure as possible even though it owns Superman and Batman. And are owned by AOL at this point. Yes, Bill Jemas loves himself some AOL jokes. He makes 14,000 in the first fucking issue. None of them are good. Not a single joke in this comic is good. I'll get into that shit later. Ted Turner and Jane Fonda are also mentioned somehow they are KalAOL's parents. 

The comics actual story opens up in 5002 A.D. with someone saying they finally brought Marvel out of bankruptcy from Ron Perelman. I know Bill didn't know about the MCU in 2002 but did he really think it would take 3000 years to take them to get out of debt? I know this is a big hyperbolic statement but it's not very well done. Shit who knows if we even have comic books in the year 5002 we will probably be able to become super heroes in weird Star Trek fantasy chambers that bring fantasies to life (I don't know what they are called and I'm too lazy to look them up). Hell I even doubt Humanity will even be around in 3000 years. I'm very negative. Anyway I just don't feel the joke works and it is sure as hell dated because who other than sad weirdos like me even know who the hell Ron Perelman was?

Oh yeah this is yet another parody of Superman's backstory. 5002 A.D. is being destroyed by meteors or some shit. A meteor hits Marvel Comics right after the person says the company is finally out of debt. Hilarious. Great. So Ted Turner and Jane Fonda, I don't know if this is supposed to be the real Ted Turner and Jane Fonda or some kind of ancestor because my brain is trying to purge everything about this comic book out of my mind so that I can breathe easier and enjoy life again. They have a son called KalAOL. You know like Kal-El. Despite the fact no one else has a Kryptonian name except him. No Ted-Varr or Jane-Fon or whatever. It feels pretty lazy to me. Also apparently Ted Turner bought Earth and then gave it to AOL. Yes, Bill Jemas loves jokes that age like wine. Oh sorry I meant milk. Get used to seeing AOL in this review because it will keep coming up. Get it AOL was big in 2002. Comedy gold!

So they can't send him to Earth because they are on Earth except its called AOLrth or some shit. So they send him back to 2002. He gets sent there and then after that they send AOLstro the dog. Who is an old dog and does nothing. He finds out that he can freeze time and wants to become a superhero. He meets some lady and tries to make her his sidekick. She doesn't even believe he has a super power. Hilarious. They also mention how he has a convoluted silly backstory DC comics backstory. Yeah there's not a single Marvel character that has a weird silly or convoluted backstory. Bill Jemas is a dipshit and I think I may hate him. They end up meeting a bank robber and KalAOL thinks the Dog will die and I think it's some kind of reference to Spider-Man oh and each time the dog knocks out the bank robber a cop comes up and gives him money. One sack of that money was from a bank which I don't think the cop can give away. The issue ends with KalAOL wanting to be a Marvel Superhero and then his parents send him underwear. Yeah apparently they messed up and the world actually wasn't ending. Great.

FINAL VERDICT: I do not want to review the next 6 issues of this series. I really really REALLY do not want to do that, but I am because I have to know how awful this series get. I just have to see how bad this shit goes. This story is not well thought out and goes on several boring tangents that I didn't want to talk about and is incredibly not funny in 2021 and I doubt it was funny 19 years ago. This definitely takes the spot of New Guardians #2 as my least favorite comic I review for this blog. Please do not read this. Ever. Yes, port Deadpool is funnier than this.

The Final Episode #51: MacGuyver (1985 - 1992)

 

Well it's 3 Final Episodes in a row! You know me I kinda like to talk about other things to keep the blog fresh and there's other things I enjoy other than Final Episodes of television shows from the past, but I'm doing this for two reasons. I really really REALLY do not want to talk about the Marvel Comic I have planned for the next Comic Review seeing as every single person I've ever seen say anything about it have said it's the worst comic book Marvel ever published and that you know scares a person. The other reason is well Portnoyd a jerklord I argue with over the internet was probably right about one thing: I should watch at least more than one episode of a tv show I haven't seen before to get a good idea of what the show was like overall, and that's a good idea to be completely fair because I would have probably written MacGyver off if I had only seen the Final Episode, but we will get to that when we can.

MacGyver for those who know nothing about it was an action-adventure show that ran from September 29th, 1985 to May 21st, 1992. It starred Richard Dean Anderson as MacGyver who would solve mysteries and problems for people in mostly non-violent means. He probably gets captured in most episodes but always escapes from these traps. What I'm saying is that MacGyver is Batman without the suit. And less punching. It was created by Lee David Zlotoff (what a cool name) who worked on other shows such as Hill Street Blues and Remington Steele  One other name that worked on the show was Henry Winkler! That's right the damn Fonz worked as executive producer!

So this is where I usually regal you with memories of the show from my youth. Tell you how I loved or liked or hated it. Something even a really dumb boring story but the best I can do is this. I thought MacGyver was a made up show for the Simpsons. I thought Richard Dean Anderson was made up. I had never seen the show when it was on and if I did it was so brief that I didn't remember it from the seventy thousand mentions it got on the Simpsons due to Patty and Selma loving MacGyver and wanting to kiss Richard Dean Anderson. It was a pretty good running joke. Oh and since this is the internet and I mentioned The Simpsons I'm contractually obligated to mention how the show hasn't been good in two decades even though I have no idea how good an episode of the Simpsons even is these days. It was pretty bad the last time I watched it though.

I figure I should talk about the first of two episodes of MacGyver I watched. It was called "A Lesson of Evil" and was first shown on October 29th, 1990. Had I known I would be mentioning Halloween I would probably have waited till October till I watched this. Still It was a really great episode in which Mac goes up with the crazy Dr. Zito. He only shows up in two episodes and you'll wish he had shown up more because W. Morgan Stewart is a great actor and is clearly having a great time playing this guy. It's rated one of the best episodes of this show and I don't see how any episode can beat this one! I've only seen two and I already know what the best episode is! It's got a bunch of Halloween stuff in the episode too. It's a really well done fun episode that made me want to see more.

Sadly, as I've mentioned earlier in this article I was not a fan of the Final Episode of MacGyver entitled "Mountain of Youth". After the pretty serious episode we get this weird pseudo fantasy episode that was honestly pretty boring. I guess watching whats rated one of the best episodes wasn't the best idea in the end. Probably should have picked an episode rated #32 instead. I dunno if I'd have liked this episode anyway because it feels so hokey and not very fun. It starts with Mac landing from jumping off a plane. He throws away his parachute and then some guy comes up. At first I thought this was Stacy Keach and was instantly going to put this on my top 10 Final Episodes. I love Stacy Keach THAT much. That man could make ANYTHING better. Not many actors can do that but Stacy is one of them. Sadly this guy was not Stacy Keach but Bruce McGill. He's a fine actor but he's no Stacy. 

Mac and Not Stacy Keach have an argument. Mac is here to bring him back because Not Stacy Keach is a con-man of sorts I guess? Give me a break I've only seen two episodes of this show. Not Stacy Keach is there just because he wants to get the fancy youth water from a place I will call Very Stereotypical Asian Land. This guy wants the youth water that shows up. You've seen an episode of something that involves water that will make you young. It's pretty done to death by 1992. You've also seen something with this Stereotypical Asian Land before. Nothing new is really done with any of these ideas and we just get some blah stuff.

Mac, Not Stacy Keach and some lady find themselves captured by the EVIL ARMY that somehow hasn't taken over the Stereotypical Asian Land for like 200 years but they decieded to do that now because they want to create a hydrogen bomb with the magic water because they are EVIL and want to kill the world or some shit. Of course they save the day and find proof of the hydrogen bomb to give the UN and even blow up the pump. Not Stacy Keach decides to be a good guy and drop the water he has for a sample he was going to give to a company (and for only like 200 grand if I recall correctly, not only is Not Stacy Keach kind of a dickhead but he's bad with money. Magic water that turns you young SHOULD GET MORE THAN 200 GRAND! JESUS!). It ends on a freeze frame of Mac being happy. This Final Episode is dumb and I wish I had talked about that Marvel Comic instead.

FINAL VERDICT: I think you should check out the episode A Lesson of Evil because it was a lot of fun to watch. I think MacGyver is probably a fun show that just had a last episode that just feels out of place. I don't know. Did fantascial stuff show up in this show more often, you know like the magic water? Also I don't think I'm going to like this Not Stacy Keach character either. Anyway this episode sadly ends near the end of Final Episodes. I do believe that Portnoyd was a fan of this show because he mentioned that he liked it when he complained about the MacGyver reboot was bad. So I guess it's up to port to talk about some stuff to do with MacGyver. Oh and on the website where people rate tv shows rate this episode at #42 out of 139. That feels way too high for this episode. I bet port loves this episode.

The Final Episode #50: Family Matters (1989 - 1998)

 

Well It's been a long time coming, I'm surprised this show was not one of the first ten I ever did. I'm surprised it wasn't in the first twenty, but at a point I had to put it out at a special anniversary number of sorts. I couldn't let Family Matters just be #38. No way man! The Urk-man deserves better than that! So I waited and waited until the day came when we got to an anniversary # like in the comic books. I felt 50 posts about Final Episodes of tv shows was a good time to finally do a show that was clearly one of my top super favorites as a child. Like a show that I would have been sad if I missed, so I knew I had to go with Family Matters. And here we are! I hope this is at least not complete shit because the Urk-Man deserves better. Anyway time for some history that I like to talk about in these things

I can't really go over the history of TGIF because I went over it in the Full House article so let's discuss Boyette-Miller or originally known as Boyette-Milkis, then it became Boyette-Miller-Warren Productions. They were famous for making a ton of famous television sitcoms of the 1970s to the 1980s. Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, Mork and Mindy, Perfect Strangers, Bosom Buddies, Full House and Family Matters to just name a few. They lasted till 1999 but apparently came back in 2015 but I haven't seen any of these new shows they made. The last show of theirs I watched was Two of a Kind and that wasn't a very good television show and I don't think it even lasted a season.

Family Matters started in 1989 and was your typical family sitcom. It was pretty much Full House except it had black people and not as many cast members (seriously Full House must have had like 500 people on the cast) it was fine but one episode had a special guest that was so popular he pretty much took the show and made it his own. Yeah they would have family problems and stuff but there was an insane amount of Urkel and more and more Urkel each year. If sometime in the future alien beings find our planet after humanity has died I will tell them this the 1990s were time for two things: Jaleel White as Urkel and Klax. Urkel was that popular. He was even mentioned on other tv shows complaining about how annoying he is. I'll say this right here and now. Urkel is far far far far FAR from the most annoying character on a tv show. I still think he's funny as hell honestly. I'd rather watch Urkel than Sheldon Cooper or Ross Geller from Friends. That's for fucking sure.

But yes the show went from a family sitcom about issues a family would have to The Wacky Adventures of Urkel starring The Winslow Family. Here are some of the things Urkel ended up doing: traveling through time, creating a robot version of himself called RoboUrkel, creating a machine that turned himself into different characters. Like a smooth suave version of himself called Stefan Urqelle. Fought a evil puppet version of himself and also an evil Carl Winslow puppet. Played basketball with a crossdressing person named Grandmama who I think turned out to be a NBA player. Was on American Gladiators. These are the things I remember. I also think he got shrunk to the size of an ant. It was pretty great. I loved it.

The Final Episode of Family Matters actually did not appear on TGIF, I know right? The ninth season of this goofy show was on CBS. It and Step by Step ended on the CBS Block Party. Alongside shows like Meego and the Gregory Hines Show (both of these didn't even last a season and I still feel its sad that Gregory Hines didn't get as popular as he should have. The man was a serious talent and I always enjoyed seeing him pop up in things.) I don't know anything about those two shows and I watched the final seasons of Family Matters and Step by Step. Let's hope that one day I'll be able to enjoy Bronson Pinchot as an alien.

Lost in Space Part 1 and Part 2. Yes another two parter. I think the two parters make for the best series endings. I think every show should get a two or more parter for a finale. They give everyone enough time to breathe and tell a story. Even a silly story for a Family Matters episode. As you can tell from the title Urkel finally goes to space! It was pretty much the last place that crazy son of a gun could go to though. The only other thing I could think of is him finding a city of mole people but honestly he probably did that in Season 4 and I somehow forgot. Anyway this episode starts with an astronaut called Buzz Conrad who walked on the moon. I assume he's this version of Buzz Aldrin. I hope he also punches conspiracy theorists in the face. Those people are very very very very very stupid and I hate them. Unless the conspiracies involve aliens or bigfoot. Those are the only good conspiracies.

NASA or some space organization wants to use the gravity creator thing Urkel has created. I dunno what they called it in the episode but it will create gravity in gravity-less situations. He has to go off to help them make a bigger and better version of it that will work in space ships. He and Laura are actually planning to get married but they put it off so that Urkel can go do this. Yes Laura is going to become Laura Urkel, WILD! Meanwhile in the B-plot which is usually where the family stuff went because every child wanted the hilarity and zany A-plot to be Urkel. Eddie is becoming a cop. I find this interesting because Family Matters did many stories about racism in the police force. Well two but still for a show like this that's a lot. I think they actually were able to do a serious story and a goofy Urkel story and make it work. That takes talent. The only problem with this B-Plot is that it involves the New Harriet.

I don't want to trash this lady I'm sure she's a great and nice person, but she was terrible as Harriet Winslow for the last season (or was it the last two seasons?) This lady did not work with the cast as well as the original. It  was a choice that I could not get behind then and I still don't like it now, but then again how many changes in a character were actually any good? Can you name any? I can't. I also gotta mention this here that Family Matters and Happy Days were both done by the same production company AND they both had a character that went missing. Pretty wild. Chuck left after season one and Judy left after I want to say season four. Weird how that works out. I actually can't think of many other examples of that happening right now but I'm sure it has.

Anyway the B-Plot is New Harriet is worried about Eddie being a cop because of a story Carl tells him of when he got shot. She gets the Police Comminisher's wife (who makes this joke about one of her sons being the lead fork in Beauty and the Beast and she doesn't seem too proud of that. I wouldn't either. Lead fork? Fucking lame bro. At least try for Beauty or the Beast. Or Gaston. Or hell even the french candlestick or the clock. No one liked the damn forks in Beauty and the Beast) The Police Comminisher makes Eddie a Meter Maid. Eddie is not happy. He actually ends up in a shoot out with a criminal and this makes Harriet realize that it will be hard for her to accept that Eddie is a cop but she must and ends up doing so. It's actually very well done.

Back to the Urkel stuff, which I know is the reason you are all here for. Urkel ends up in Space like the episodes promise. His Anti Gravity thing seems to be working until its found out to be too popular which causes a satellite to come crashing down on the space ship. I'm usually a lazy asshole but you HAVE to see the effects for this stuff. It's amazing. It looks like a fucking PS1 game. I love it:

Look at that! Look at it! It's the most beautiful damn thing you'll ever see in this entire damn world and if you disagree about that fact then you can literally get fucked. I don't like getting too mean on this blog but that's the only thing I can think of to say. It's too beautiful. Anyway Urkel causes the ship to get knocked off its course and it spins all over the place. Which means that's where part one ends. Part two starts up with the other two pliots knocking each other out and Urkel having to put the ship back on its course. He actually does this with the help of Mission Control or Houston I guess. He then messes up by turning the Gravity thing on and knocking out the pilots AGAIN. One ends up with a broken arm and the other has to fly the ship. It's up the Urkel to go out in Space and get the satellite off the space ship. 

Urkel actually gets the satellite off the Space ship but he forgot to tether himself to the ship so he's going off into space with the satellite. However me fiddles around with the satellite and causes it to move back to the Space ship. It's actually kinda tense even though you know they wouldn't kill Urkel off in the last episode of this family sitcom. It then ends with Urkel going back home and kissing Laura and Carl tells him how he's proud that he's going to be his Son in Law and even calls him Son. It's a very sweet moment. I liked it.

FINAL VERDICT: I definitely enjoyed this episode quite a bit. It had some good laughs, some fun sappy moments (I love sappy wholesome shit the older I get for some reason), a fun A plot and a more serious B plot that actually meshed well together. I really think that if you enjoyed Family Matters you'll enjoy watching Urkel's last hurrah..

The Final Episode #49: The Secret World of Alex Mack (1994 - 1998)

 

I think I misspoke earlier in this blog which is probably going to happen the way I do blog posts. For well a multitude of reasons. I don't really have good access to stuff that will tell me how long a show was on YTV or any tv station that was on when I was a kid. Or What shows were on when. Sure there's wikipedia but that list is I'm sure incomplete. It's just my sweet memories of yore that I will have to go on. Nickelodeon gets a whole website dedicated to what shows were on it in the past. The biggest problem is that I write these articles in a weird way as I just let my brain tell me what to write and I just barf it up on the screen. If I come up with an opening I think is fun or interesting it will get shoved in there somehow. I forget many things I mean to mention but I dunno something about this way of writing these articles makes it fun and exciting for you the reader!

The thing I misspoke about was well I said there were no live action shows on Nickoldeon besides Are You Afraid of the Dark? which is well a complete falsehood. The Secret World of Alex Mack (today's Final Episode) was on the channel for at least some amount of time. We also got Nickelodeon GUTS which was a gameshow that I watched despite not caring about sports because I'm a fat fatty fat mcfatterson. Clarissa Explains It All I believe appeared on the Family Channel (which was the equivlent of the Disney Channel for Canada which makes it really weird that a Nickelodeon show appeared on there but it could just be my bad memory and it appeared on some other channel)

We to the best of my knowledge never got Hey Dude! or Legends of the Hidden Temple or Roundhouse or Weinerville (this one looked really bad to be honest) or The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo. I actually want to see that last one because it has Pat "Sexual Tiger" Morita in it. Yes I mentioned that show just so I could make that terrible joke. Anyway port recently said that Nickelodeon went down the tubes when they started creating their own shows and well I think he's completely wrong about that. I do actually plan to not only talk about all of those shows I don't think we got in Canada and maybe even some new Nickelodeon shows. I guess spending too much time on twitter gets you interested in TV made in the 21st Century that you will probably not enjoy because it was made for a 12 year old born in 2012 yet you kinda want to see what kids who are now 21 liked at one point. God I'm feeling old.

The Secret World of Alex Mack was created by Tom Lynch and Ken Lipman and was about a teenage girl named well Alex Mack who was getting ready for the seventh grade when a bunch of weird chemicals get dropped on her. Of course with this being a sci fi show she ends up getting super powers. She and her best friend Ray and sister Annie are the only ones who know. The owner of the chemical company wants to find her to do you know dasterdly things to her. She had to go through the trials of being a kid going to Junior High AND wild superhero antics. It was a perfect show for kids really. It ran for 4 seasons between October 8th, 1994 to January 4th, 1998. I don't know how long it ran for on YTV but I know I did watch and really enjoy this show. I don't think it ran for the entire four years because I don't remember watching this Final Episode and I watched the piss out of YTV. Again I wish I had my uncle's collection of Newfoundland Heralds (This was a tv guide port).

The Final Episode of The Secret World of Alex Mack came out as I mentioned on January 4th, 1998. It was a two parter! I love two parters because I get to blather on even longer than usual about these goofy old tv shows that no one cares about any more. It was called Paradise Lost after that fancy book or movie that I've never seen or read. I'm not even sure what it really is except that it's something I've never experienced. The Secret World of Alex Mack two part finale starts out with Alex having a nightmare that everyone she knows now knows about her super powers. Alex wakes up and ends up being found out by someone (FORESHADOWING). This guy is named Louis. I'm going to assume he was the wacky prankster of the series because every series had one of those and holy sweet fuck does this kid look like what a wacky prankster should look like. It's pretty amazing honestly. If I weren't so lazy you'd see a picture of him here but I am so you'll have to go look elsewhere.

So Louis finds out and is freaked the fuck out because well who wouldn't be. He then realizes it's cool as fuck and won't shut the fuck up about it. Meanwhile at the evil factory they are turning the stuff that turned Alex into a weird superhero (yeah I should mention it her now but her powers are being able to shoot electricity out of her finger tips and moving stuff with her mind and turning into a puddle) into a weight loss thing. They got it even approved by the FDA by giving them fake test results. I'm pretty sure it's not that easy to do but hey this is a silly Nickelodeon show from the 1990s. Anyway they are getting ready to run away to Switzerland so the people are all fucked when they realize all of the weird problems that will happen. One janitor guy who was also the driver who spilled the junk on Alex in episode one goes to the police.

Louis talks to Ray on a cell phone and since the EVIL CHEMICAL ORGANIZATION can also track cell phones they find out about Alex so they abduct Louis to find all the information out about Alex. Alex's dad gets fired because the EVIL CHEMICAL ORGANIZATION is firing everyone who has something to do with the creation of the gunk that they are trying to sell people. Alex's parents leave and Alex is abducted by the EVIL CHEMICAL ORGANIZATION. She turns her and a friend into goop to try to escape but it's no good as she's VACCUMED UP. Wild! The Friend gets in contact with Ray and part one ends.

Part two has well Ray and The Friend Who's Name I don't Remember tell Louis to use his big mouth and try to tell everyone but they also say that the lady who runs the EVIL CHEMICAL ORGANIZATION is a hero to the people in the town. Louis tries but pretty much fails to get anyone to come with him (someone even kicks him in the shin!) Alex is in a tube that she can't escape out of. Her parents are brought in and they FINALLY find out that shes a super powered kid! This is a big deal because they were trying to keep this from them for the entire series. Ray and Friend get into the EVIL CHEMICAL ORGANIZATION (all while this is happening the Police are putting their case together to put them in jail FOREVER) and the EVIL LADY who runs the EVIL CHEMICAL ORGANIZATION tells some evil guy named Lars (except for Fry when he went back in time in one of those Futurama movies has there ever been a good guy named Lars in any movie or tv show?)  to blow the fuck out of the entire building. 

Ray gets into the place with Alex and her family and literally just pulls a piece of something off the wall and breaks the glass wall Alex is in. She gets them and other Friend out but Ray gets captured so Alex has to go back in an get him. The Evil Lady wants to escape to Switzerland but she gets captured by Friend. You think she'd be able to get away from a teenage boy. Especially one who I believe was supposed to be around 15 years old but I guess not. The helicopter leaves with out her and Lars is also taken into custody after just being in his car. He should have realized the damn place would have been blocked and ran like a motherfucker or I dunno, tried to get a ride on the helicopter with Evil Lady. 

Everyone is happy to be not dead and we go to a few days ahead. Alex's dad gives her an antidote to the powers and her sister talks to her about everything that happens. She is alone and then shoots the sky with her electric fingers and wonders if she will even take the antidote. It's an open ending ending but I get the feeling that people wanted to do more with the series after this (There's also a scene where the evil chemical has been knocked down and gunk is going into a damn sewer.) 

FINAL VERDICT: I would have been very happy with this finale as a kid and had a lot of fun watching it now. Watching it as a kid I would have been like WOW THIS IS SO SERIOUS AND A SERIOUS WAY TO END THIS SHOW and as an adult I'm like Lol none of this really makes any sense. It's not that easy to screw the FDA. If someone somehow screwed over the FDA and made a billion on a faulty product they wouldn't have bothered risking anything trying to capture Alex Mack they would have just ran to Switzerland. Still it was a fun way to spend an hour and I actually really want to watch more. The lady who plays the EVIL LADY who runs the EVIL CHEMICAL ORGANIZATION was a whole hell of a lot of fun to watch. So yeah that's my feelings on The Secret World of Alex Mack. It's silly but a fun silly.

Comic Review #30: Batman #527 - 528 (1996)

 

After the sheer bland awfulness of The New Guardians #2 I just had to redeem DC comics in my eyes. So whenever that is the manner I usually go to one of their big hero books. You know Superman, Batman, The Flash, etc.  I chose Batman because for whatever reason I want to read more 1990s DC. I've read enough 1990s Marvel to know that while I may like some of the smaller books like Darkhawk or Sleepwalker, I think most of the big hero books from Marvel during the 1990s are just not very well done.  I've talked about how I don't enjoy 90's X-Men but that's not the only Marvel comic that I think was very poor during the 1990s. Fantastic Four was something you could skip reading from around 1992 to 2004. It sure was not the Greatest Comic Magazine during the 1990s. The Avengers were at best okay but only really got good again when Kurt Busiek came to the book in 1998. Captain America and Iron Man were actually pretty good and I would recommend reading them even if the armor Cap has to wear for a storyline is really goofy and really 90s. Spider-Man during the 1990s would go from good to holy fuck what the Christ and that was before the clone saga (which actually to be fair has the same ratio of good to holy fuck from what I've read.) I'm sure I will end up talking about each of these comics and why I wasn't a fan of them during the 1990s but right now it's time for Batman!

I've actually read this story before but I think that's to ease me in to the 1990s stories. Most of the comics I would go for in back issues were from the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s. I must have at least 80% of the Bronze Age of comics in my basement. It's pretty cool. At least the 80% of the comics made by Marvel and DC. The only reason I didn't go to Superman is because all the stories seemed to connect to each other. Like every Superman story in the 1990s seemed to be some kind of epic. This was just your regular Batman two parter. You don't really need to know the previous issues or the later ones. I like both kinds of story telling in comics but I just felt more Batmanny today. I was going to read Batman: War Games but I have a feeling I won't enjoy that story and it was at least 32 issues, if you add in War Drums a story that leads into War Games and I don't think I have the time to read that many issues I don't think I'll like. Maybe when I'm in a shittier mood so I can yell at it until I puke.

Anyway, I guess I should say is expect more 1990s DC comics around here at the blog. I plan to pick up more when I can and all that. Anyway I think it's finally time to get into Batman #527 - 528. It's a simple story but very well done. It was written by Doug Moench. (This dude has been in comics forever. He's done stuff for Warren Magazine, you know the Creepy guys. He co-created Moon Knight and wrote Shang Chi The Master of Kung Fu and I don't think he gets the credit he deserves. He should be higher on the list of every comic lover. His comics were always fun and enjoyable. I salute you Doug!) and Kelley Jones, an artist that I had to get used too. It's a very cartoony and over the top. I did not like it very much at first but I've grown to accept more out there art in the comic universe and re-reading this I loved his wild take on Batman and Two Face and all the weirdos at the Circus.

Yes, this is one of at least two but probably more stories that involves Two Face and a bunch of what they would refer to as sideshow freaks circa the 1930s. I don't know when we in the real world stopped doing freakshows but in the 1990s the DC universe still had freakshows in them. Anyway this is a simple story where Batman has to go after Two Face after he escapes from New Arkham (the Old Arkham Asylum was destroyed in Knightfall) and breaks into his old apartment and kills the guy inside just to find his old file folder with cases he couldn't push when he was District Attorney. It's up to Batman to find out who hes after. Since I mentioned Circus before you know it's a guy at a Circus who killed his uncle to gain possession of the Circus. He has two guys help him get a fucking Tiger to eat hi uncles face. This guy is nuts. Anyway they have a guy so skinny he looks like a skeleton. They call him Skeletor. They also have a incredibly obese woman and my favorite of the bunch a conjoined twin with 3 eyes and we learn later on a damn third arm! Wild shit! Batman of course finds out about the Circus and ends up kicking Two Faces ass.

FINAL VERDICT: This was a fun story. I enjoyed all of the interactions between all of the characters. There were some actually pretty funny moments in this story. Like when Batman throws several batarangs at the Dagger throwing guy and he's stuck to a wall and then tells him to only hit stationary targets. Classic! This was a simple two part story done very well by someone who wanted to tell a fun Batman story instead of two people who clearly were overworked and cared about those projects much more than The New Guardians #2. I think The New Guardians #2 will be my least favorite comic I've reviewed for this site for a very long time. I hope at least.

The Final Episode #48: Spider-Man (1981 - 1982)

 

You know since the Final Episode of the 1967 Spider-Man show was such a useless pile of shit I had just HAD to talk about another Spider-Man series. It really didn't matter which one of them I could talk about any of them and have more to talk about than with a damn clip show. I wonder how many shows did end on a clip show and which was the laziest clip show of them all. I think that Spider-Man (1967-1970) would be in the running for the laziest. They barely bothered thinking of a set up. Spider-Man randomly gets hit by some lightning of some shit and ends up talking to a kid about being a hero. I'm pretty sure every other show at least gave us a new joke or something to go along with the old clips, and they gave us more than 3 clips.

I know bitching about the Final Episode of a different show is a weird way to open an article but you try opening up a 5th article on Spider-Man of all things. It's hard. So I went with bitching about how bad the Final Episode of Spider-Man (1967 - 1970) which is now the worst Final Episode ever. Until I find the next one. Anyway I like this because I get finally talk about Friz Freleng! Even Though I don't think he even worked on this show but I'm still going to talk about him because this is MY blog and I can do what I want with it, plus it has to do with the history of the Marvel Productions. Friz was an animator who worked for Disney as a teenager in the 1920s and then in the 1930s till like the 1960s he created or helped develop some of the greatest Looney Tunes, like Sylvester and Speedy Gonzalez. He then worked with David DaPatie to make Pink Panther cartoons and then they sold their animation company to Marvel. There now you have the history. Isn't it wonderful.

Spider-Man and more importantly Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends get a lot of talk online and I'm sad that I never got to see these shows as a kid. I only learned of them as a teenager and only got to see some of them as an adult. Actually now that I think of it that VHS tape I mentioned in the Spider-Man 1967 article (I promise to not bring this series up again for the rest of this stupid review) that I rented from Blockbuster that my parents really didn't want to spend the money or have to go back to the store to bring it back in like two days (they really got lazy thanks to the 7 days for 7 movies for 7.77 deal that Allan's Video had) but I somehow got it. I think that might have been an episode of this show or Amazing Friends. I do not know but it makes sense that I was able to argue getting it because it was a Spider-Man show I didn't get to see on YTV. I don't get why YTV got these series and put them in a rotation with the 1967 show. Oh shit I broke my promise. Eh, fuck it. I DO WHAT I WANT.

This Spider Man show lasted for 1 whole season of 26 episodes and I can already hear Portnoyd bitching and moaning about how thats not enough episodes and I say IT IS BECAUSE ITS MY BLOG AND I MAKE THE DAMN RULES YOU FUCKER. Portnoyd is the only person I pick on. I like the rest of my viewers and dont tell Portnoyd but I like him too. Even if he is a dickhead. Uh where was I? Oh yeah this show lasted from 1981 to 1982 and was the first Marvel Animated Program. The Incredible Hulk and Spider-Man and many other productions and co-productions would happen. I've only seen a few episodes of this show but every single one of them including this Final Episode were all buck fucking wild. So let's get to the good shit!

The Final Episode of Spider-Man (1981 - 1982) appeared on our television screens on March 20th, 1982 with the title "Under the Wizard's Spell" or as I like to call it "The Dumbest Love Story Ever Told" starts with some no good punk kids wrecking people's shit. Literally pushing over Pretzel carts and a lady selling flowers and Spider-Man has to come in and fuck shit up. Then Medusa, yes Medusa the living hair lady of the very popular Inhumans team of characters (not gonna lie I like the Inhumans and actually want to check out that era of comics where Marvel was giving them a bigger push around like what 2014? I dunno. I just know that Portnoyd will call the Inhumans dumb.) shows up and tells a cop that was trying to arrest Spider-Man for harassing these people that he's a dumb motherfucker and it was the kids.

Spider-Man instantly gets a Spider-Boner from Medusa. Medusa apparently is not married to Black Bolt in this universe or he would have screamed and probably destroyed all of New York City and made Spider-Man's whole body a bloody mess of goop. I'm glad that they aren't because I love Spidey and dont want to see him turn to goop. They kinda sorta flirt until Medusa goes to the Wizard who told her to come here from wherever the hell the Inhumans come from. I think at this point in the comics It was still in the Andes. They would end up on the Moon later on. Wild times. So yeah The Wizard wants Medusa's help to steal some Nyrobiem that will help him create his Anti-Gravity machine. He forces a necklace on her that makes her do what he says. Oh and apparently he needed her because her hair would not cause the alarm to go off if she picked up these big pill looking things that I guess is the Nyrobiem. She hits the Nyrobiem against another case of Nyrobiem and the alarm goes off. I also hate the word Nyrobiem. It just looks stupid.

Medusa saves Spider-Man and does not talk about the necklace. They end up going out on a date in the middle of this episode. They have a little fight because Medusa doesn't think Spider-Man trusts her because he won't show her who he is. But MEDUSA DOESNT TELL HIM ABOUT THE FUCKING NECKLACE. She leaves and he ends up going after her. She gets him to help her rob a fucking military place because it has some doohickey that the Wizard needs (can I say that I love the Wizard and wish more people used him. He's a big asshole and I love big asshole characters) and the end up at the Wizards lair and Spider-Man finally finds out that they are working together and MEDUSA STILL DOESNT TELL HIM ABOUT THE NECKLACE. Spider-Man gets sent into a damn death trap where it will get warmer and warmer. 

Medusa and the Wizard fight and Spider-Man finally realizes that the ground is not hot so he rips it up and.....water comes out? and he comes out of the little steam thing some buildings have. This is weird shit. They finally get the better of the Wizard and finally Medusa tells him ABOUT THE FUCKING NECKLACE. What a dope. He puts on The Wizards fancy gloves and finally gets the necklace off. He also took the Wizard's doodads on his outfit that helps him fly. So The Wizards screams "HAHAH YOU FORGOT TO KEEP AN EYE ON ME AND I CAN FLY BYE FOOLS" or something like that before realizing Spider-Man did think of that. They end their team up with a kiss that really should have not happened and the final scene is Aunt May talking to Peter and says "You look like your in love!" and he goes "Who could I be in love with Aunt May?" while looking at a piece of Medusa's hair.

FINAL VERDICT: Holy hell this might be the goofiest Final Episode of anything I've covered. I've only seen three or four episodes of this series and holy shit I have to see the rest. This was a lot of fun to watch and totally makes up for the sheer shittiness of the Final Episode of the other Spider-Man show. This Final Episode column will usually not go past the year 2000 so we only have 3 more Spider-Man shows to go and it will be hard for them to beat this but I get the feeling that they will. Spider-Man shows got WEIRD. A very fun Final Episode.

Comic Review #29: The New Guardians #2 (1988)

 

I'm sure everyone has a moment where they just realize that the writer of something didn't care about the product. It could be a movie with great acting and directing but the writer was like eh I'm going to come up with stuff that just barely constitutes a story. The New Guardians #2 is one such example of that and it apparently had TWO writers and neither of them cared. They aren't some nobodies who just made some comics for money. These were two really well established writers who wrote some wonderful stuff. What's even weirder is that this comic gets put on lists of "Weirdest comics ever!" and we will get to the reason why later

Of the two writers on this comic, we have already talked about one of them Cary Bates. I must promise Cary that I will talk about some of his great comics and not the stuff where you could tell his heart really wasn't in it. At this time he was also co-writing Captain Atom with Greg Wiseman and that is a terrific very entertaining comic that you should check out. The other writer on this comic was Steve Englehart. Steve's work during the 1970s was amazing. Captain America, Dr. Strange, Justice League, Avengers, Batman. All of those comics he did are stuff I'd recommend greatly 40-45 years AFTER their release. He made some of the greatest comics ever. They were wild and memorable and fuck it he was the guy that had Captain America shoot a barely disguised Richard Nixon in a story. Yes, that guy.

After Batman in I believe 1977 or 1978 he left the comics industry for a little while and wrote a novel. He came back to Marvel Comics under the Epic line with Coyote. I've never read it but I hear pretty good things about them. He then does West Coast Avengers which is pretty good. I'd recommend those comics. Hawkeye is the leader and I loves me some Hawkeye. He then started working for DC with the Green Lantern and other people are enamored with that run much more than I am. He did create Kilowog who is one of the top 5 Green Lanterns ever. He worked on Fantastic Four for Marvel in the late 80s and it was not a very good run of Fantastic Four comics. He seemed to leave comics after that. I'm not completely sure on that though. I would actually like to check out his novels.

Speaking of Green Lantern this came out of a Green Lantern focused comic event in 1988 called Millennium. I don't want to get into the plot of it here because it's possibly my least favorite DC event and I want to get into the gritty details in its only little article. It gave us several new characters and updates to old characters. They were supposed to bring in a new era of heroes by I dunno I guess fucking? Yeah there's 3 guys and 3 women but one of those guys was a plant man and one of them enjoyed kissing other men (Extrano is literally the biggest stereotype I've ever seen in anything. calling him flamboyant isn't even cutting the mustard. It's amazing to see this actually.) The other characters are Harbinger some character that's never been that great from Crisis on Infinite Earths. She was the Monitors helper or some shit. Never gave a damn about her and I'm pretty sure she disappeared and hasn't appeared in 30 years. At least I hope so. The Floronic Man was a bad guy who fought Swamp Thing in a pretty cool Alan Moore story and is probably the best character of the lot. Thomas Kalmaku, also known as Pieface an Inuit friend to the Hal Jordan Green Lantern. Yes Pieface is apparently considered a racial slur to Inuit people. It was 1960 when they came up with him. I don't think they call him that by 1988 so that's pretty good, he turns into a robot computer guy named Ram. There's also a black lady with green hair. I like her look but she's not very fun or interesting. I forgot if there actually was a third lady or not actually. That shows you how exciting and memorable this comic was.

Another problem with the whole "These characters are to bring in a whole new era of heroes or some shit" is that in issue one of this series they apparently get AIDS. Well three of them do. The black lady, Harbinger and yes the gay man all get AIDS. No it't not from having sex. It's from a weird super villain creating a monster called the Hemo-Goblin. Yes. It's very on the nose. This comic was clearly an assignment that the writers were forced to do. I cannot see it any other way. They want to go after the guy who wanted to kill them for whatever reason I don't know because I didn't read #1. I went to #2 because it was considered weird. Maybe it was explained in #2 but I forgot it because this comic was not fun in any way. They get told by some CIA guy that the heroes may support you but we normal people need more convincing. The guy they are going after apparently is a big name and is considered a good guy. 

They are told to go to Colombia to fight a drug lord. The drug lord is a guy who gets super powers by snorting cocaine. That's why it's on 8,000 lists of "Weird comics!" by like buzzfeed like sites. They don't really do much with the character besides that. The rest of the comic is simple by the numbers stuff and they don't really do anything with the stuff. They are shot by his men and a weird brown sunflower thing named Betty who lives in Extrano (yes okay this part is weird but she's a part of the entire series) and gives them up to fall down before getting shot. They pretty much wake up and INCASE the would be killers in a damn grave. I dunno if I like heroes killing people and these guys are too doofy to be ever taken seriously as anti-heroes. They go to fight Snowflame and the people who think hes God fight the heroes. They beat him. Snowflame blows up and we all go home a dollar poorer.

FINAL VERDICT: I think if the two writers cared more they would have made something more memorable and fun to read. It just feels like "Christ I got 3 other comics I care about more to get done before the end of the month so I'll just throw down some crap!" I think Snowflame could have had wings in more fun stories by people who cared. Everything except the art which is pretty darn good by Joe Staton really feels like a homework assignment instead of something they cared about. This was a disappointment because I thought after being on 4900000 lists it would be something but it isn't. I kinda wish Batman had fought Snowflame in a Alan Grant Detective Comics which were happening around the same time as this comic. I'm still amazed I could write so much on this boring comic. I think I need a rest. This was just a bad idea with the whole WE ARE GOING TO CREATE THE NEW ERA OF HEROES and oops we might have AIDS. It's really something.