Comic Review #31: Marville #1 (2002)

 

This comic has a weird history behind it. Everyone I've ever seen mention it has mentioned it's the worst comic book Marvel put out in its 82 year history. Hell some consider it the worst comic book period. I've never seen a positive or respectful word to be said about this comic ever on the internet. Not a single person has ever praised this book. I honestly was scared because well comic book fans are a picky lot and never agree on anything but if they can agree on this then hoo boy it must be bad bad bad. I decided that today will be the time I delve into the first issue (I had planned to write about the entire thing but the first issue was so bad that I felt I could get enough out of just that so here we are) 

I guess we do the usual thing we do in these reviews and talk about the creator of the comic. Bill Jemas was the president of Marvel Comics and it seemed he didn't very much like comic books. He didn't like continuity and thought it clogged up stories and made it impossible for newbies (I don't fully disagree here but I also like the fact that Marvel Comics has this weird ongoing narrative that hasn't been stopped since forever) and actively insulting the fans of the stuff. I know Comicsgate thinks someone telling you to fuck off after you call them a piece of shit or a (insert bigoted slur here) is insulting the fans but those guys are just Twitter Culture War Morons and not actual fans of comic books. Anyway enough about those turds and more about Bill Jemas. Bill ended up getting into a fight with Peter David over his Captain Marvel series and said that it needed to be more engaging to newer fans so he put up a bet to see who could get the most new fans and well let's say the man with actual talent won which as you can see wasn't Bill Jemas.

I gotta start with the opening page and I will post an image from this because I have too to get my point across. In the second paragraph of this opening page if you can't see, Bill Jemas takes a pretty shitty and nasty hit at Paul Levitz of DC Comics. Yeah I know port will be like LOL THEY STINK but I think even port can realize that there's a huge difference between a silly jab and being like LOL UR BAD AT UR JOB EVEN THOUGH WERE THE COMPANY WHO WENT BANKRUPT! Saying he wants to keep his company obscure as possible even though it owns Superman and Batman. And are owned by AOL at this point. Yes, Bill Jemas loves himself some AOL jokes. He makes 14,000 in the first fucking issue. None of them are good. Not a single joke in this comic is good. I'll get into that shit later. Ted Turner and Jane Fonda are also mentioned somehow they are KalAOL's parents. 

The comics actual story opens up in 5002 A.D. with someone saying they finally brought Marvel out of bankruptcy from Ron Perelman. I know Bill didn't know about the MCU in 2002 but did he really think it would take 3000 years to take them to get out of debt? I know this is a big hyperbolic statement but it's not very well done. Shit who knows if we even have comic books in the year 5002 we will probably be able to become super heroes in weird Star Trek fantasy chambers that bring fantasies to life (I don't know what they are called and I'm too lazy to look them up). Hell I even doubt Humanity will even be around in 3000 years. I'm very negative. Anyway I just don't feel the joke works and it is sure as hell dated because who other than sad weirdos like me even know who the hell Ron Perelman was?

Oh yeah this is yet another parody of Superman's backstory. 5002 A.D. is being destroyed by meteors or some shit. A meteor hits Marvel Comics right after the person says the company is finally out of debt. Hilarious. Great. So Ted Turner and Jane Fonda, I don't know if this is supposed to be the real Ted Turner and Jane Fonda or some kind of ancestor because my brain is trying to purge everything about this comic book out of my mind so that I can breathe easier and enjoy life again. They have a son called KalAOL. You know like Kal-El. Despite the fact no one else has a Kryptonian name except him. No Ted-Varr or Jane-Fon or whatever. It feels pretty lazy to me. Also apparently Ted Turner bought Earth and then gave it to AOL. Yes, Bill Jemas loves jokes that age like wine. Oh sorry I meant milk. Get used to seeing AOL in this review because it will keep coming up. Get it AOL was big in 2002. Comedy gold!

So they can't send him to Earth because they are on Earth except its called AOLrth or some shit. So they send him back to 2002. He gets sent there and then after that they send AOLstro the dog. Who is an old dog and does nothing. He finds out that he can freeze time and wants to become a superhero. He meets some lady and tries to make her his sidekick. She doesn't even believe he has a super power. Hilarious. They also mention how he has a convoluted silly backstory DC comics backstory. Yeah there's not a single Marvel character that has a weird silly or convoluted backstory. Bill Jemas is a dipshit and I think I may hate him. They end up meeting a bank robber and KalAOL thinks the Dog will die and I think it's some kind of reference to Spider-Man oh and each time the dog knocks out the bank robber a cop comes up and gives him money. One sack of that money was from a bank which I don't think the cop can give away. The issue ends with KalAOL wanting to be a Marvel Superhero and then his parents send him underwear. Yeah apparently they messed up and the world actually wasn't ending. Great.

FINAL VERDICT: I do not want to review the next 6 issues of this series. I really really REALLY do not want to do that, but I am because I have to know how awful this series get. I just have to see how bad this shit goes. This story is not well thought out and goes on several boring tangents that I didn't want to talk about and is incredibly not funny in 2021 and I doubt it was funny 19 years ago. This definitely takes the spot of New Guardians #2 as my least favorite comic I review for this blog. Please do not read this. Ever. Yes, port Deadpool is funnier than this.