The Final Episode #134: Life Goes On (1989 - 1993)

 

So we come back to the Portnoyd Guessing Game Full of Fun Times and Portnoyd Not Being Right. You see I picked these 15 shows before hand and got Portnoyd to guess 15 shows. I kinda want to tell him what ones he got right, right now but I won't because that's no fun. I mean he's still NOT PLAYING ALONG CORRECTLY LIKE A JERK. So, what show did Portnoyd pick? It was Lou Grant! The dramatic series sequel to the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Was that like the only time a sequel series was more dramatic than the original? I like the Mary Tyler Moore Show and would like to check out Lou Grant but alas it won't be today! However I picked a show that always interested me ever since I heard of it on the Jump the Shark forums. That show is the comedy-drama show Life Goes On. Portnoyd will be oblivious to the drama part there and be like "YOU SAID NO SITCOMS THIS SHOW THAT TALKS ABOUT AIDS AND STUFF IS TOTALLY A SITCOM. YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING SITCOM SITCOM SITCOM I LOVE AIDS AIDS IS HILARIOUS" because portnoyd doesn't know when to quit. It's true, just ask his second grade teacher.

Life Goes On was as I mentioned above a comedy drama series that involved a family. It ran from 1989 to 1993 on ABC. It was most famously known for being the first show to have a person with downs syndrome on it. The character was named Corky. I really hope his birth name was something else because what kind of fuckin name is Corky? I guess it's one that sticks in your head, I'll say that much. Still this show seemed to be well regarded and I was always interested in it. Now it's time to see if said interest was worth it or not!

Life Goes On was created by Michael Braverman who's career in Hollywood started as a writer for the 1978 TV Movie Cruise Into Terror. I think I have seen this but it's really hard to tell sometimes. It does star Christopher George, Lynda Day George and Ray Milland so I know i'll probably enjoy it. I love those three. Especially when Ray Milland gets to be a grumpy asshole. He played a good grumpy asshole. He then started writing for Quincy M.E. and then nothing anyone has ever heard of, not even me. Well, except for a Dr. Marcus Welby returns TV movie, until he made Life Goes On. He also ended up working on Chicago Hope and Beverly Hills 90210! 

So as we do with every show I had never seen before we talk about several episodes instead of just one. So the first episode we will be talking about is Bec to the Future which is about the youngest child Becca. Becca is such a weird kinda gross name to say. Just put the Re in front. Gross. I don't like it. Uh. Anyway Bec to the Future aired as the first episode of the fourth and final season of this show. It came to us, like a dream on September 20, 1992. Eighteen days earlier my sister had her second birthday party! Woo go Jessica!!

We start IN THE FUTURE you know because of the title. THE FUTURE OF PROBABLY 2015. This has a FANCY LOOKIN FUTURE TAXI bring a woman to the house THE LIFE GOES ON HOUSE. She goes in and looks around and a real estate person comes by and gives her all this information hoping she will buy the house she then goes....I'm not a buyer... I'm Rebecca Thatcher. See how much better Rebecca sounds than Becca. Becca sounds like goat vomit. Stop saying it. EVERYONE. We then cut to the opening credits which are weirdly bouncy and fun. You wouldn't expect to hear about some of the stuff that went on in this show with this goofy ass opening.

Rebecca and Real Estate Lady talk about how that was two owners ago. Rebecca sees memories of the house going through each room, until we see one of her and Corky. She's working on a Welcome Back home card for Jesse, who was a man with HIV. The last season involved her and him trying ot have a relationship with one of them having that disease. Said character ends up dying of AIDS. This is the show portnoyd will go try to pretend is a sitcom. Corky has his girlfriend Amanda, another person with Downs Syndrome. She just got her own place! Corky helps her move in while Rebecca goes to her job at a coffee shop/book store place. It's ran by a some kind of cranky but goofy and lovable old man. 

Amanda and Corky are at her new place and they are in her bedroom talking about spicier things. They want to make sweet sweet love and don't know if they can wait until marriage. I was not expecting this from this show. Anyway their parents come in and they don't know how much they might have heard. They give them some gifts and then CORKY'S MOM goes to CORKY'S DAD to tell him that their daughter who got married in europe is coming back home. I wonder if her lover well be a FANCY FRENCHMEN. We then see that Jesse cmae back a day earlier and now Jesse and Rebecca are in a room together. She says how much she loved the paintings he sent her and then gives him her gift of her Journal. Weird gift but he seems to be in it. Personally I would have preferred cash. She then opens up a box looking for his phone so he can call his mom just to find HIV medication. Sad shit bro.

We then go back to the future and meet Rebecca's partner? husband? secret lover? David.  They talk about some crap and we go back to the past without any indication. Just poof, she's back talking to her friend who I think is named Goodwin? I dunno. The quality of the uploads isn't great. UHHHHH I mean the quality of these TOTALLY REAL DVDS isn't great. Yeah that's it. Please don't hit me ABC. Goodwin talks to her about the meet up. Rebecca doesn't have to go to work today because the air conditioner is on the fritz. They go to have a pool party. Cathy Goodwin is her friends name. She doesn't like her name but she's got the name of Cathy! Everyone loves Cathy! The best comic strip about a goofy woman ever created! 

Cathy is all like Rebecca you are only Seventeen you should go out and see shit before you marry Jesse. Jesse comes by after Rebecca's Ginger Man Friend is being a HOOLIGAN. This teenage will they wont they shit is honestly kinda boring and I wish I had picked a better episode. Note, next time a show is like using a parody episode name of Back to the Future just don't watch it. Jesse is being a little piss baby. Oh shit Rebecca lied to Cathy about the night before and then mentioned all the lies to Jesse! Woah! SERIOUS STUFF! I like how it's just your usual teenage crap except with HIV put into the mix. and by like I mean I wish it were a little different. Now he's angry that she didn't tell them about him having HIV, which yeah I can get that. They have a fight and Jesse leaves. Was all the Future Stuff just to tell us this boring story of two teenagers breaking up? Woowee.

Now we finally get us some Corky action. The Corkster. The Corkmiester. Corkman. El Corkarino. He goes to Jesse to talk to him. Corky wants to get laid and Amanda wants to get laid and Corky watns to know how to do the right thing and make up his own mind. Jesse tells him about protection and how he should use it. Jesse then decides to read Rebecca's journal. We then return TO THE FUTURE so we can see Rebecca have a boring conversation with her husband. Then we go back to the past and Jesse and Rebecca talk and blah blah blah, I'll sum up the rest of this plot later. I want to talk about Corky damnit!

Cathy is a jerk about people with AIDS. Jesse and Rebecca dance in a room. Corky is horny as shit for Amanda. The oldest sister returns. I kinda find this show to be very dull. At least this episode.  The oldest daughter stays for like 12 seconds after saying her husband is in Spain. I bet he left her already.  Oh I WAS right!!! Corky also does not end up sleeping with Amanda and Rebecca burns some pages of her Journal I think? This episode really didn't do anything for me and I still have to watch the next nine minutes. Remember you're talking to a guy who was pretty entertained by Touched by an Angel so yeah. Let's get to the Final Episode and hope it IS better than this sappy crap.

The Final Episode of Life Goes On was called Life Goes On (and On and On) and was written by E.F. Wallengren who wrote episodes for Diagnosis Murder, Falcon Crest, Baywatch, Knight Rider, Flipper, Touched by an Angel and others. He sadly passed away on May 27th, 2003 at the age of 50.  This episode also starts with an older Rebecca telling it. Oh god no. Please no. agggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhb lruuuuuuugh. Anyway she talks to someone about this story and then we flash back to her talking about her engagement to her mother and father. She met someone. AT SPRING BREAK! OH MY! well at college really but whatever. She then says to talk about her college life she has to talk about the end of her high school life. Which means this is some story to tdo with Jesse the guy whos HIV positive. 

Rebecca comes to visit him and Jesse then says its time to break things off. Oh is this gonna be like the last episode I watched. I hope at least Corky gets laid in this one. He says he needs time to figure out what he's going to do with the rest of whats left of his life. We then move over to Corky who is spending time worrying about his high school. I didn't even finish high school! I had to go get a GED thing! And Look at me now Corky! I talk about decades old TV shows and Darkhawk comics! IM LIVING THE DREAM, CORK! He however is very worried about worring about graduating because he's no good at Math. It's also a really shitty week for Paige. Her and a guy named Artie who looks like some actor I SHOULD recognize and I will go down a rabbit hole to find out who he is after I finish this up.

The guy who hired them to fix up a house is being foreclosed on and he's losing all 14 houses. So they get no money and I assume are now out of a job. Anyway Artie ends up mentioning that they can buy the house from Mr. Moneybags. I don't remember the characters actual name so he's Mr. Moneybags. Anyway Paige gets Artie to join in and wee! Rebecca is talking to Cathy Goodwin and then another guy named Ray shows up and somehow gets Rebecca to help him study for his Trig final. They then go to the Future but not the Future Future and wouldn't you kno wit the man Rebecca falls for..........is Jesse. What a surprise. 

Corky's BIG BOLD BEAUTIFUL INDEPENDANT BLACK WOMAN PRINCIPAL WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN comes to the Thatcher house to give him the bad news. He does not get to graduate because he did not do very well in math. Rebecca is trying to teach that Ray guy something and he learned it already. The dirty dog just wants to......dance? Ray ends up being a douchebag and Rebecca asks him to leave. I thought City Guys had low stakes but I think this show beats it yet it's not as annoying as City Guys. At least the actors are trying here. We go to Paige and after a whole thing with Artie and the house Artie then proposes marriage. Artie is like 20 years older than Paige and a HEFTY BOY. Paige is shocked at this question but ends up saying no.

We then go to the Thatcher house and see Rebecca in a graduation gown and Paige taking the picture and Corky juts being sullen and sad. They try to cheer him up but it doesn't really seem to work. Rebecca sees Jesse at his locker and they chat while signing Year Books. I never had a single year book and I don't think anyone would have signed mine if I did. Anyway they say they will meet again at Graduation. Corky then talks to Amanda about Graduation and how it's important to him. How he's 21 and wants to do it. Then he wonders if it will ever happen. We then go to the actual Graduation ceremony OH MY GOD THE VALDICTORIAN WAS STUPID RAY. STUPID RAY IS ACTUALLY SMART RAY. WOW! Smart Ray gives a speech and then everyone gets their diplomas.

We then go to Corky in bed with Arnold the Semi Wonder Dog (who did nothing Wonderous in either episode) and his family and wife Amanda come in and give him their own diploma letting him now how much he matters to them. It's actually a very sweet scene..His dad goes it's not the one you wanted but... and Corky then says it's better. Corky cleans out his locker and then says he'll be back. This school must have fired the janitor because it's dirty as hell. It's just Graduation Day not, School's shutting down fovever day!

Artie made Paige a nice meal of Dim Sung. Or bought it out. Artie bought the house for the both of them to work out of. Well Paige also gets to sleep in the house. Artie's gotta use his trailer. Paige says yes and then we get to see Jesse say goodbye to Rebecca. She runs after him but he's already gone. She runs to the place he was living just to see two boxes of stuff that he left for her. Then we go to the Future (but not the Future's Future) to see them get married at Rebecca's house. They talk about having kids because of experimental treatments but Jesse is against it. Then we move to the Future's Future where she is talking to the son she had with David from the other episode I watched. She tells him about Jesse and how she wishes everyone could have known him after her son says he wishes he could have known him.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Stories should be inclusive. I do really believe that, so I am glad in the end that this story included people with downs syndrome and people with AIDS. However I also believe in being honest and saying my feelings on these stories. My feeling on this show is that it seems to be very okay television. I did not really like the first episode I watched. It kinda felt forced and sappy. However the Final Episode was much better, even if one of the characters stakes within said episode (the house stuff) was really not very exciting. However I did think the acting was pretty decent and it ended on a bittersweet note which makes sense because life is bittersweet. Anyway let's get ready for Portnoyd to make a huge shitty mess in the comments like he always does.

Adult Swim Shows Actually Made by Adult Swim

 

This is an image from a one off thing they did called Cool Dad. At least I think it was a one off thing. No I'm not going to review all of the weird little one off things they did. I only ever saw and liked Too Many Cooks. Which I'm sure portnoyd will yell and scream and fart and piss and cry over because HE'S A BABY! A BABY! PORTNOYD ISN'T EVEN A MAN CHILD HE'S A MAN BABY! MAN BABY PORTNOYD! Okay, enough being mean to portnoyd (for now). We have some wild stuff today! A spinoff of a show I talked about earlier! We have Mike Tyson! A show that wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the BEAUTY of Hanna Barbera (of course all of the early adult swim shows except Aqua Teen Hunger Force were related to Hanna Barbera and without them ADULT SWIM WOULDNT EXIST! Port will never admit it but he knows deep in his soul that without Hanna Barbera this adult swim thing Cartoon Network gave 1,000 bucks too would never exist and I love that) and a show about metal music guys.

This is a spinoff from Mr. Pickles, the show that was just a satanic dog murdering people for 11 or so minutes. I think it was one of their 11 minute shows. I have not seen an episode since the one I watched for this earlier. This is an upgrade because they actually put in a plot for the episodes. Still need to work on the actual comedy. This show revolves around Sheriff who apparently is the Sheriff of a town. Sheriff Sheriff. Anyway the epiosde I watched involved space cats and the President of the United States of America. It was pretty lame and not very funny. I'm really starting to realize that adult swim had some very good stuff but was mostly junk. This is junk that is no good at all. I did enjoy his weird stripper sister kindof. Anyway I will never see another episode and that's a very good thing.

I've got to be honest here, I've never really gotten Metal music. The majority of it just sounds like dudes screaming really loud. It's very much for the most part, not for me. Which is probably a reason why I never checked out Brendan Home Movies other show. I don't know his last name. We had a Brendan in our high school. He looked like Beavis from Beavis and Butthead. I wonder what he's doing these days. Probably trying not to look like Beavis from Beavis and Butthead, I guess. Anyway I finally watched this show and it was pretty a-okay. I dunno if I can call it as amazing as everyone else seems too but I did get a good laugh out of it and that's all I'm really asking for. They seem to be doing some kind of ungoing plot with this series too. I wonder when Serialization really started to get big. We were all happy with "ZANY ADVENTURE OF THE WEEK" type story telling! At least I was! I WAS HAPPY DAMN YOU! I WAS HAPPY! Anyway I like the last name Murderface.

I don't remember if this show aired on Teletoon or what but I actually remember watching this show in the 2000s. On a television! You see I'm in Canada and they never had Cartoon Network here until recently. We had YTV and Teletoon. They would show Cartoon Network shows and Hanna Barbera stuff. Speaking of Hanna Barbera this show is a complete pisstake of just about everything they did and I love it. It's very amusing. Stephen Colbert before he became a late night talk show host guy voiced several characters in this show. I like Stevie even if every Republican cries about his comedy. This show was a hoot and a half and it's very sad that it's spinoff series Birdgirl was so not good. Just not good. Anyway the episode I watched involved the CHAN CLAN and JABBERJAW band THE NEPTUNES. It was quite amusing. EVEN IF THE CHAN CLAN ARE FROM CHINA YOU RACIALIST BASTARDS! CHINA!

A parody of the Mister T cartoon starring the only person more ridiculous to give a cartoon too than Mr. T, Mike Tyson. Mike and his group: His adopted Asian daughter, a very gay ghost and Pigeon (voiced by Norm MacDonald who's voice is always heavenly to listen to and makes me laugh. he could just read the phone book and I'd crack up. I hope he's safe and happy in the afterlife. They uh try to solve mysteries but usually get caught up in some other tomfoolery.  This show is very funny and I'm glad adult swim made it. I really don't have much else to say about it than that. You can tell that when I get bored during one of these articles can't you?

another four shows down and this time portnoyd will not get to complain about them not being done by adult swim. next time though its back to anime and shows they just picked up. To annoy portnoyd because that's always a good time.

NES Game Reviews #29: Woof.

 

Hey man. It's getting really hard to have opening paragraphs to this series of blog posts. I really should have made the longest blog post of all time and reviewed all 776? games possible. It would have been the biggest blog post of all time and no one would have read it. It would still have been shorter than DiefWolf's review of Earthbound. My God I don't think even God has the time to read all that nonsense. Remember DiefWolf, Port? He was like Loogaroo's pal. So you know the kinda goober you are gonna get. Anyway I picked the picture of NES max because I'm running out of pictures too. the NES Max kinda sucked. I didn't like it at least. 

This game has some really fucking cool box art. This game was made by Taito that has a really good track record. Like almost Capcom/Konami level track record. This game is possibly the most okay game ever made. It is an improvement over the first game in the franchise, The Legend of Kage but the Ls are far away boy so we just have to talk to Demon Sword. Everything about this game is okay. the level design, the controls, the graphics, the music. Nothing is done extraordinary or nothing is done poorly enough. I did beat this game once and never played it again. I guess I don't have time for things that make me go "yeah that wasn't terrible" I want terrible or great. Both are so much easier to talk about than okay and both are more interesting to watch or play or whatever. I dunno. Portnoyd will probably say this game is great just to be a DAMN NUICANSE.

Well, it's time to discuss Desert Commander. It's a strategy game. I like them when they are easy to get into and not like ungodly shit like the rice sims. Those games you have to do 40,560 different things just to get anywhere. This you just plant tanks and airplanes in the right place to shoot the other guys tanks and airplanes. It's nothing hard to get into and you can get a good amount of fun out of it. So yeah, Desert Commander is pretty enjoyable but also a game you can't really spend hours talking about. Or even a full paragraph. Everything looks nice and sounds nice and it plays well. You'll like it. Piss off. I'm not writing the fucking Iliad over here you bitch.

There are games that I just want to get into but can't. Most of them are just "wtf do I do here kinda games". I don't know what to do in Destination Earthstar but I feel there's a good game stuck inside all of this crazy nonsense. You have to go through all kinds of planets to find stuff you need I guess and shoot down a correct amount of enemies. That's all I can really gather from this game that I try to play ever so often just to turn it off about 5 minutes later confused and kinda sad. I played it earlier for yes another 5 minutes just to turn it off about 5 minutes later and yes I was confused and sad, however I did kill at least one enemy which means I did better than the last time I played it. I will have this game beaten by 2059 if I'm still alive. Anyway I will put this in a new category saying "You Might Like This Game If You Are Less Impatient Than I Am". I am curious about what portnoyd thinks about this.

Destiny of an Emperor is a NES RPG. One of the Turn based kind. I think the vast majority of NES RPGs have aged like milk. They might have been amazing in 1990 but now WOW. The only one I think that holds up and is enjoyable is A GAME YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS OOOOOOOOOOOOH. Anyway Destinty of an Emperor is about some guy in China become Emperor. Yep. I suppose theres more to the plot but I don't give a SHIT. Anyway this game like most NES RPGs just feel slow. Not as slow as SOME GAMES THAT ARE COMING UP AND THE INTERNET (aka NES Scene discord) WILL YELL AT ME OVER but still slow. I just don't care to play RPGs made on the NES for the most part. Sorry. Maybe I'll give this game another shot some other day but right now I don't care too.

This is a game that I believe gets a bad rap because people don't want to learn to play it correctly. There's two things you gotta do to get anywhere in this game. Only use the car WHEN ITS REALLY NEEDED as everyone wants to shoot the shit out of your yellow coat killing you. You will also have to find bandages and keep a few on you. This game gets TOUGH, but you do feel like a detective. You find clues that tell you to go do different places and interogate all the weird Dick Tracy guys. I like Dick Tracy. He's neat. I liked the 1990 movie. I like this game. I might have to play the game boy and genesis game (they REALLY wanted Dick Tracy to be the next Batman thing. It wouldn't surprise me if they were thinking of trying to make a cartoon if the movie was a huge hit like Batman did), The movie did not do very well and well Dick Tracy got forgotten again. Sadly. Except by me. I still love you, Dick!!!! Anyway the only problems this game really has is that the last two stages will make you want to rip your hair off and eat it. Portnoyd hates this game and will yell at me and WarMECH for liking it.

It's time for me to piss and moan about NES game collecting which is no different than most posts about NES here. I think what pisses me off is that I sold my collection in 2014 before the HUGE DUMB CRAZY BLOW OUT. Like this game here goes for $250-300. I did not pay that price for this game. I felt like a big stupid idiot for spending the 50 bucks I spent on it. Anyway, this is a pretty good game based on Die Hard, the movie everyone likes to argue if it is or isn't a Christmas Movie. I don't care what movies you watch around Christmas to begin with, so don't get me into this conversation. Foolishness. This game has a overhead view where you get to shoot like 80 bullets out of your gun at once. You have to go from floor to floor stopping guys and just play through the movie. It's actually really quite close to the movie. I like this game and I don't care what you think. Jerk.

Another group of games discussed, now let's see the updated standings!

GOOD GAMES:  74

BAD GAMES:  67

OKAY GAMES or GAMES THAT HAVEN'T AGED WELL: 21

GAMES YOU MIGHT ENJOY IF YOU AREN'T AS IMPATIENT AS I AM: 2

The Final Episode #133: Boston Public

 

I have to say that you might be seeing a lot of FINAL EPISODES lately. Personally I feel this way for two reasons. I have left this series of Blog posts waste around for two years. Just not a single post about any of this shit, which is weird because it's honestly my favorite of the blog posts. Just something so easy and simple and fun to do. Just take the Final Episode of a television show and talk about it. Also I get to show that portnoyd is wrong about something. He guessed Baywatch (which was a show I tried to write about before but gave up on. I will get to it someday. Maybe) and I went with Boston Public, which was a show I watched as a teenager. I watched this for the entire first season. I really liked the saucy Jewish teacher who brought in the comedic relief and that's ALL I remember about this series.

This series was about the dramatic comings and goings of teachers at a Boston Public school. I just remember one plot about the Jewish teacher being like 10432 years old and saying something racist. I don't even remember what he said. It was created by David E. Kelley who was REALLY big for like a decade and a half before he just disappeared and no one knows where he is anymore. I just checked his Wikipedia and apparently he made several shows after the year of our lord 2008 but I refuse to change what I said because I refuse to believe anyone watched anything he made after that show where William Shatner was a lawyer. When you get to work with Shatner you should just give it up and enjoy your riches!

This show started on October 23, 2000 and ended on January 30th, 2004. It didn't even get to show it's Final Episodes until it went onto some TV station no one has ever heard of, TV One. Apparently it's a TV channel for black people. At least that's who they were targeting to watch it. I mean anyone can enjoy an episode of Sanford and Son. That Redd Foxx is a wild one. I think they picked this show because of Chi McBride who is awesome. So with all this said let's discuss episode 81 entitled Chapter 81 of this show. 

The episode starts with girls taking off their clothes and another taking pictures and writing letters on their bodies in lipstick. They are all in a hallway. I'm guessing this is going to be some kind of sit in. The vice principal, I think that's who he was, who was a JERK from what I recall runs into the sit in while trying to show a repairman a problem the school is having. He sees what happens and just turns back and goes wrong hallway. He knows shit is about to hit the fan. It was always hitting the fan at this school. Most problems at a school you'll ever see. Oh it's an artist thing not a sit in. I really should watch the entire episode first but I like my way of having to edit things after watching a few minutes. I am weird.

Anyway CHI MCBRIDE uses his ANGRY BLACK MAN powers to tell everyone NOT to get naked and take pictures of themselves anymore. They are all like WE ARE ARTISTS. Also the Vice Principal guy is a stuck up bitch and I already hate him so much. Not as much as the Prince of Some Place from T and T but still a LOT. Michael Rappaport, the WHITEST BLACK MAN ever and some woman are arguing about their marriage problems. She wants them to go to counseling and he's like NO WAY MANNNN. A lady I thought was someone else shows up. I know I know her from something other than this show but it wasn't who I was thinking of. Anyway she doesn't trust the new art teacher Henry and thinks he is manipulating the students. His name was also mentioned in the meeting between the naked art girls and CHI MCBRIDE. Not lookin good for ol' Hanky boy!

Woman Who Confused Me shows other black lady art from a student. I guess she's their parent. She believes they are drawing penises and the other black lady is not with her. The Old Jewish Teacher is like CAN I HELP I KNOW ABOUT DICKS! not exactly like that but still. I want to hug that old rascal.  The Vice Principal is with a lady and this amazes me because I thought he was a gay character with just some weird stereotypes from the times this was made. I guess I was shown to be wrong. Oh shit the woman hes with just thinks this was fun but he SERIOUS. It's changing the roles!!! Woah!!! She wants to get to know the real Vice Principal. She wants to meet his FRIENDS.  He goes to Chi McBride and tries to get him to be his guy but Chi is like WUH. Man Portnoyd must be happy that Chi McBride is also a Wuh guy.

Woman Who Confused Me wants to see both of them in the office. Oh shit! Hank's in trouble! We see HANK talk to another teacher like it's therapy. Vice Principal wants someone to do Drivers Education and when the hell has any school done that? Anyway  THE WHITEST BLACK MAN decides to do it. Chi McBride then talks to the HOLY SHIT THATS THE STAR TREK WOMAN. SIXTY NINE or whatever her name was. I have never seen a single episode of Star Trek Deep Space Nine so I don't know her name. So Chi McBride asks her what she thinks of Henny Youngman and she says he seems to be a pretty alright guy and Chi McBride tells Sixty Nine to keep an eye out on him because he doesn't trust the man with the female students. Oh heck. GROSS MAN ALERT MAYBE.

THE WHITEST BLACK MAN is trying ot talk to his wife and getting no answers. He also is in the BOSTON PUBLIC STUDENT CAR and just waiting for a student I guess. OH man he's being ANGRY which I think is the only emotion he really knows how to show. It's very weird but Michael Rappaport is pretty good at being angry. Of course he gets mad because Michael Rappaport is like the Hulk in that Avengers movie. He's always truly angry in his heart. Anyway Vice Principal gets Chi McBride to go dinner with him and his girlfriend. Sixty Nine sees Henry hugging a young girl who is crying. OH SHIT.

Sixty Nine and Chi McBride have a meeting with Henry about this and he leaves angry, but before that he says that he might SCARE you or something and Chi McBride is like listen it doesn't scare me. I'm pretty sure Chi McBride could bite into Jaws and not be frightened. In fact we should all be frightened of Chi McBride. SIXTY NINE also tries to get the girl to talk about that and she's like it WASNT inappropriate! I'm pretty sure any school would have thrown Henny Youngman out on his ass. I like that I am making reference to Henny Youngman like I am some kind of one hundred and ten year old man. She then makes it sound all weird by saying he's done all kinds of things to her. Opened her mind and just weird shit that makes them very uncomfortable. Good job, dipshit. You probably just got Henny Youngman fired. 

THE WHITEST BLACK MAN and The Jewish Teacher are talking about Henny Youngman. Woman Who Confused Me comes in and they tell her he has been suspended. Her adopted GOTH DAUGHTER asks her if she can stay after school and the other black lady is like you ever gonna tell her you were the one to start all this? And Community Woman is like yeah.......after it all dies down and the other black lady is like yeah right. We then go to Henny Youngman's class and he's talking to his students about all this and how he's been suspended. The students take it to the streets and by the streets I mean the hallway and main office! The Vice Principal comes in and then tells them if they do not move they will be suspended like TRUE ARTISTS they refuse to move!

GOTH DAUGHTER and WOMAN WHO CONFUSED ME have a CONFRONTATION about Henny Youngman. Port do you even know who Henny Youngman is?  Anyway we turn back to The Whitest Black Man and him being really bad at a driving instructor. I think I'm going to skip over this plot because I can and it's my blog and it's just the other two plots of the episode are uh vastly more interesting and this isn't interesting or funny. Sixty Nine talks to Henny Youngman, he asks her if she thinks he was COPIN A FEEL on that girl and she says no but she also thinks he's not able to be a teacher because he doesn't respect boundaries. Henny Youngman is all I'm not leaving without a fight and I'm like bro if you don't do something in the next sixteen minutes you kinda are leaving without a fight because this is the last episode!

Vice Principal gets CHI MCBRIDE to pretend to be his friend and they go outside in 14 degrees and play some ball. His girlfriend comes by and they just lie to her about all this. Woman Who Confused Me later on goes to CHI MCBRIDE's office and they talk about parenting stuff.  SIXTY NINE goes to HENNY YOUNGMAN's apartment to tell him that she was wrong and that he does he give the students something. She wants to defend him. Oh my god it ends with SIXTY NINE and HENNY YOUNGMAN doing some kissing..............AND MAYBE SOME OTHER SAUCIER THINGS!!!!!!

Vice Principal, Chi McBride, his wife (who just happens to be other black lady!) and Vice Principal's girlfriend all go out on a date and Vice Principal really puts his foot in his mouth by saying he and Chi McBride do like everything together. Talking about shooting bears and all kinds of shit. Chi McBride's face is literally priceless. It's like wtf and I'm going to strangle this white boy's ass. It's amazing and I love it. Vice Principal ends up spilling the beans to his girlfriend and telling her it was all bullshit.  She says she knew. He says he was embarrassed because she has a social life and a wild backstory and all he has is shit on a stick. She says she wants him exactly the way he is. Aw how sweet. Ya lie to a woman and she's still nice to you. I do not think that's the way it works in the real world but I'll buy it here.

Oh shit, GOTH DAUGHTER got into a fight with someone over Woman Who Confused Me. They were saying how she never gets any. A fight breaks out and Vice Principal stops it. GOTH DAUGHTER has a nice moment with Woman Who Confused Me. Henny Youngman gets his job back even though that really felt like it was supposed to be some kind of ongoing plot line. I guess they saw the writing on the wall and changed it at the last second? I dunno. THE WHITEST BLACK MAN even realizes he's being a doodiehead and goes to see his wife at her therapist. Woo.  Henny Youngman and Sixty Nine have one chat and she wants to get dinner and he says they shouldn't start anything and she looks sad as she leaves him. So it kinda feels weird. 

FINAL THOUGHTS: While I had a pretty good time revisiting this show, It is not a very good Final Episode. They just seemed to rush the ending with Henny Youngman's character. The rest of the characters ended fine. It's not an awful episode but it'd go in the middle of the pack really. Not great but yeah. I do wonder if they meant for it to end here or if Henny Youngman just getting his job back was meant to feel so  weirdly anticlimactic. I weirdly want to hear what portnoyd has to say about this show and David E Kelley. 

The Final Episode #132: T and T (1988 - 1990)

 

Alright, I think for the next few posts it will just be Final Episodes. I really want to hit that #150 mark soon. So this is the SECOND in fifteen posts that I had port guess the show in the PORTNOYD GUESSING GAME FOR FARTASSES. You know portnoyd has a gassy asshole, you just know it. Farts more than uh a farting machine? I dunno. God I hate writing opening paragraphs for these things. Anyway The show he guessed was The A-Team and I had decided before hand to go with something more obscure. Still starring Mr. T but in CANADA!!!!!!!! so using my powers of knowing about many obscure Canadian things I picked the show T and T.

That's right people. Mr. T had a television show that lasted for 3 seasons from January 11th, 1988 to May 26, 1990. It ran for sixty-five episodes. It was created by Nelvana, which was Canada's first animation studio that was created in 1971. I'm pretty sure I've talked about them before so I won't spend too much time talking about them this time. They started out making some specials like A Cosmic Christmas and The Devil and Daniel Mouse. After making money on those specials they tried to make their own movie, the pretty cool Rock N Rule which uh, was a box office bomb. They lost a lot of money on this movie. They ended up getting the Care Bears and some Star Wars cartoons. which I guess made them enough money to help make this show, one of their only live action products. The other company that helped make this show was Hal Roach Studios. You should probably know the name of Hal Roach because he was the creator of the Little Rascals. I watched the Little Rascals movie from 1994 about 21 thousand times as a child. It is still hilarious and I will hear no hearsay against it. Hal Roach did all kinds of stuff but those silly comedies with kids are still the biggest thing he did. He sold the company to a Canadian company in 1972. They sold it to a company called Quintex and Quintex stopped being a thing in 2024. Wild. 

Anyway T.S. Turner (Mr. T) is a street wise kid who gets framed for a crime he didn't commit. Amanda "Amy" Tyler is a lawyer who helps get him out of jail and back on the streets as a private detective. They would solve crimes and shit. I don't know, I only ever saw like 3 seconds of this show before going to watch something else. Even with Mr T, It's Canadian TV and it has a 70% chance of kinda being poop. I love my country but we created a good amount of poop. Anyway with the shows I have never seen before I watch and discuss two episodes just to get a better feel for this television show. The first episode I plan to discuss is called The Curse and was directed by Patrick Loubert himself! One of the founders of Nelvana!  DJ Fordham also known as Dennise (why the two ns?) Fordham who wrote for Care Bears, Babar and all kinds of Nelvana things. She also worked on Monster By Mistake which caused my butthole to pucker up. Sorry if you somehow  read this Dennise but it's not my favorite thing. It really really isn't.

Anyway our episode is called The Curse and it starts out with the cheesiest 80s theme I have ever seen. Holy shit, go check this out. Also apparently Amanda left the series and her Sister Terri now teams up with Mr. T.  Anyway, we start with two guys talking in a gym about a new computer that one guy is trying to set up....in a boxing ring? He says he needs a large place to put everything out but using a boxing ring in a gym to do that is really dumb. I hope this is not indictive of the comedy within this episode. The guy in the ring literally has THE most Canadian accent I've ever heard. It's kind of amazing. Mr T goes into Terri's office to find out that they have no money and he has go to shake down some goober Romanian guy who well doesn't have the money. They argue over it and Mr T sees a watch and takes it and tells the Goober Man that he will get it back when he pays up. He tells Mr. T that he will be given a CURSE oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh. SCARY.

Mr. T goes back to the Gym and gets annoyed by the guy hooking up the computer. It's making annoying sounds that bother everyone. They talk about Curses for like 5 seconds before Mr. T makes some kind of bad joke and they go to the next scene which is  abad joke. The comedy in this show is already making me sad and I don't think that's what comedy is supposed to do. This episode is just jumping all over the place because now he's in the boxing ring with some guy. All the things the Most Canadian Man Ever said to Mr. T about Curses is happening. They give you headaches, heart palpitations and another thing I already forgot and don't care enough to go back and look. This is a pretty shitty curse, not lying. Uh, The Canadian Man and The Goober Man talk about it being the Curse and how The Goober Man has to take it off him when Mr. T comes out of the room not being able to breathe. He lies down on a bench and the Doctor pronounces him.............DEAD.  The Goober Man thinks its a giant hoax and The Canadian Man is crying over Mr. T when he walks in from a door. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Oh, it's just a weird scheme to get The Goober Man to pay up. 

The Canadian Man goes to The Goober Man's house to tell him about the wake at the gym. They end up going to the wake. A detective that Mr. T knows shows up and some people start talking about him. They start playing Mr. T saying the name Alfredo again over the new sound system computer thing they were creating in the beginning! WOAH! It all connects!!! Alfredo freaks the fuck out and pays the money and this weird attempt at something ends. I sigh and wish I had just let portnoyd win and I would be talking about The A Team which has to be better than this. Some stuff happens after this but I do not care enough to type anything about it. This is not a very good TV show.

As I start the Final Episode known as The Little Prince, I hope it's better than whatever the hell it was I just watched. It's about Mr. T having to look after the Crown Prince of Some Place. Two Italian Canadian Men are in the crowd and they are apparently apart of the Canadian Mafia which is not very scary sounding. They are there to kidnap the Crown Prince of Some Place.  Oh good, the Prince is a little snot nosed kid. I very much regret talking about this. This is a pyrrhic  victory over portnoyd. No one wins. The Canadian Mafia guys see Turner and realize that they are screwed. These two apparently showed up in many episodes and I'm sure were very annoying in those episodes too.  The King of Some Place tells Mr. T and Terri that his country will no longer be run by kings and will be democratic and is here to get support for that from everyone. Woo. His shitty sone the Prince talks about he's afraid of someone called Uncle Something I forgot The Name

So Mr. T and the shitty snot nosed little brat shithead Prince of Some Place are talking and he literally pulls an gun on him. And tells him its from his Uncle Something I forgot the Name. and that his Uncle is the only one who cares for him. His dad is too busy.  The shitty little Prince tries to get Mr. T to bring him to Wonderland (after Mr. T says guns don't fix hurt feelings Friends do... this shit is so terrible) and Mr. T can't even after The Prince said they are friends. The Prince runs into the bathroom and won't come out. I really, really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hate this little fucker so much. Holy shit. The Canadian Mafia guys dress up as waiters to hopefully kidnap the prince but Mr. T already knows them. This show is stupid.

They at least show up with many many waiters. So that's something. Mr. T thinks he sees something but a singing telegram woman makes it so he can't check it out. He sends the food downstairs to be given to the homeless. Homeless people gonna be eatin a lot of french fries. The Prince of Some Place escapes in the chaos just for the Canadian Mafia guys to find him. Mr. T finds out that the Prince of Some Place is missing and that the Canadian Mafia guys took him. He pretty much escapes from them easily and they go to the Games room. The Canadian Mafia gets there and takes the kid back but Mr. T now knows who took him because some guy working at the hotel tells him. The Canadian Mafia actually get the kid to call his dad to get him to stop the speech. It doesn't actually go the way they want as the King of Some Place doesn't believe he's actually been kidnapped. Mr. T didn't tell him. Anyway the Prince of Some Place calls his uncle and his uncle literally just says he hired the kidnappers. Wow, I would have thought he would wnat to keep the kid on his side but I guess he realized theres only four mintues left in this pile of putrid dogshit.

The Shitty Uncle Who We All Knew Was Actually Shitty tells The Canadian Mafia to kill the guys. The Prince escapes AGAIN and they chase after them. Running into Mr. T who's ready to beat ass. He says some nice things about the Prince and the Prince hears it! Oh man! It's gonna end up positive for those two isn't it. I haven't even watched the last 2 minutes but I can tell it is. The prince trips up the bad guys and Mr. T growls at them. Not even a comedic throw around. Just a growl. Everything is fine in the end. Blah.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I haven't hated a show like this since I watched the New Adventures of He-Man. This is some horrible shit. The stories just feel like they were thrown together at the last second. The comedy is awful and none of the characters besides Mr. T are any fun to watch. It reminds me of Mama's Family and Charles In Charge for some reason and that's not a good thing. Portnoyd loses this guess but I also lose for having to watch this pile of crap. I have had my fill of T and T for the rest of my life. I feel bad that I had to be so harsh on something from Nelvana because I really did like a lot of their cartoons as a child (and well still these days) but this show is just not good. Hopefully the rest of these shows are better than this. Wow.

The Comic Review #99: GI Joe #100

 

I think this will be the first time I review an anniversary issue. meaning like issue 100, 200, 300 or such. Only a few comics really get to these points but you'd think I'd have reviewed one of them by now. Anyway, it's GI Joe #100. I figured I just talked about Transformers after never having done so, so I just had to talk about GI Joe. They both feel connected to me. The cartoons were made by Sunbow and the comics were made by Marvel. A lot of Sunbow stuff was made into cartoons. Sadly there was no 1980s Jem comic by Marvel. BLAH BLAH BLAH not enough women read comic books BLAH BLAH BLAH what about men like me who REALIZE girl shit is cool as hell, HUH? WHAT ABOUT ME?

So, GI Joe huh? I don't think I ever actually got to see the Sunbow show either at the time or in reruns due to my age. In fact the only GI Joe cartoon I can remember was the DiC cartoon and that's when DiC was ran by Andy Heyward and he made the stuff look as cheap as humanly possible. I don't even remember anything about that version of the show (and yes I'll do a Final Episode on it). I don't remember watching GI Joe at all as a child. I don't remember owning any of the figures. GI Joe is something I like more now as a supposed adult (really can we call me anything more than a manchild? I don't think so) than as a child. However I do have a story involving GI Joe from my childhood.

As a kid I had a "friend" named Shawn. It was like being friends with your bully. This kid was mean, cruel, and I hope to never see him again. It would not be pretty. I will leave it at that and do not ask me to get more into it. He was mean cruel and violent towards literally everyone. Me, his brothers, his mother, aunt, grandparents, other children. It didn't matter. Anyway he had some GI Joes that he probably stole from someone else because that was his favorite hobby. Stealing. He gave me a comic book he stole because he didn't even care about it just stealing. I was surprised I never got in trouble for actually stealing it. Anyway he had some GI Joes and I had some old coins that my mom got from my grandpa. He gave me the GI Joes for the coins, probably under force. My mom however was livid and the very next day we went to the principal at the school and he had to give back the coins. I gave back the GI Joes that I had no attachment too. However those GI Joes are probably worth more than those coins monetarily. However those coins mean more to me because they are the only thing connecting me to my grandfather seeing as he died before I was even born. I think that's worth more than money but what do I know, I still pine for a 1980s Marvel Comic series based on Jem and the Holograms.

The person we are going to talk about involved with this comic today is Mr. Larry Hama, THE GI JOE GUY. He was born on June 7, 1949. He fought in the Vietnam War. After that he got a job working with Wally Wood from his High School friend and artist Ralph Reese (both men went to the Manhattan High School of Art and Design. He even worked as an actor in a few projects. Like Saturday Night Live and an episode of MASH. I don't care enough to do the dashes, sorry. He edited several books for DC and other companies. Then in 1982, while working at Marvel on things like Crazy Magazine and Conan comics he gets an opportunity because no one else wanted too. He gets to work on a toy property. GI Joe. No one else wanted to so he did it! He gave like every single GI Joe their name. Wrote most of the backstories that appeared on the back of their toy boxes (those things are so cool to me!) and then wrote every issue of GI Joe for Marvel. 155 issues. Then another company gets the GI Joe license and he writes another 150+ issues. This man IS GI Joe and don't you forget it. (He also co-created Bucky O'Hare which is also really cool and I should talk about!)

Now this issue is the return of Cobra Commander who was considered to be dead and a man named Fred VII was pretending to be him. I do not remember the story behind Fred VII because there is only so much filth flarn filth that one man's brain can hold. Even mine. Anyway issue 100 is the grand return of Cobra Commander and the first thing we see is him kicking a dog. It's probably the most amazing scene of Cobra Commander. He's such an asshole he'll kick a damn dog that's not even doing anything. It's also very well drawn by M.D. Bright who does much better work on this comic than he did on Marville, which is probably still the worst comic book I've read. It's so bad that I do not think I will ever even review issues 4 and onward. He then gets out and addresses the crowd in Millville about how Cobra is taking over their town. They will have new jobs and everything but they will uh become brainwashed mindless zombies. We see GI Joe members Spirit, Mutt and Junkyard. Are the dogs considered members of GI Joe or not? Do they get money from this whole thing? I just wanna know. Anyway Junkyard is a good boy. They mention how they were supposed to go to see Mutt's Uncle Jeff.

They get the Crimson Guard that are all named Fred with a number behind it and well I guess that's where Fred VII comes from. Anyway they take over the police force for Millville. Spirit and Mutt talk about Mutt's Uncle Jeff's Neighbor (god this is starting to sound like that joke in Spaceballs!) and how he was a ham radio enthusiast. They hope he has a long range transmitter so that they can get a message out to GI Joe HQ. Cobra Commander is giving a big speech about everything they will do for him and a lone veteran comes out and tries to stop them from doing it. Saying Cobra is a terrorist organization. However this does not work for the poor guy and blam he's on the ground almost getting stampeded by people running to get into these brainwashing spots. I mean they don't know they are gonna get brainwashed but still. Uncle Jeff shows up and well let's say it doesn't end well for the poor guy. Lady Jaye and some Joes in a different plot show up and I'm not really sure what the entire plot is, as it's ongoing so I'm going to ignore this stuff, however two GI Joes have to look after thirteen year old girls. Two of them. One of them is Rock n Roll who I remember from the really good GI Joe NES game that portnoyd probably hates.

Anyway when we get back to Mutt and Spirit and Junkyard. We see what I believe is a Hiss tank of some sort. I really enjoy the snake motif of Cobra. It's very entertaining. Anyway Mutt is pretending to be passed out in the middle of the road and when a Cobra soldier comes by SMASHED IN THE FACE WITH A FUCKIN BEER BOTTLE. POW. Now that's what you get for being a no good America hating Terrorist bastard! Junkyard attacks another Cobra soldier and well, Spirit jumps form behind a fence to take out the last guy. They then take over the Hiss tank. They find the Vietnam veteran from earlier all tied up and he tells them about the brainwashing. They start to leave town to get help but they decide to go help Uncle Jeff, even if they don't know if he's brainwashed or not. I mean it would be hard to leave your uncle wouldn't it? Anyway he's been brainwashed and BLAM the guys are caught. What will happen???? I don't even know yet. I don't have many issues of GI Joe past 100. I don't even know what issue this story ends in because Larry Hama was always starting and stopping stories with all the GI Joes and there were only like 4250242043294029 members of GI Joe and portnoyd probably owned them all and could tell you every character. Portnoyd is a GI Joe nut, but yeah with that said I DO want to find out what happened so I'm going to find the issue it happens in and review it. 

FINAL THOUGHTS: You gotta give it to Larry Hama, it wasn't easy coming up with 4205892049209420 different characters and plots to give those characters and not forget about an earlier plot. I want to know where the Millville plot ends and how the Lady Jaye plot starts and ends, so you can say I'm hooked! GI JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

More Adult Swim Shows That Barely Count!

 

Well, I've been having fun reviewing adult swim shows that barely count as such because it seems to annoy portnoyd so let's continue doing that. We have two short lived TV shows from the 2000s, a cartoon from the 1960s and a piece of crap from John Krisfkagfdlafkdsalkscfdpokluski. So let's wait no longer and get into these programs! Let's do it! Woo!

This is our first short lived animated cartoon. It aired on Fox for.....four whole episodes! Like ten more were supposed to air but didn't! The only thing that came through my head when watching this was the pure truth of "Comedy is hard" and it is. This show was created by Michael Hurwitz. Executive Produced by Josh Weinstein (of the Simpsons fame). Will Arnett, Tom Kenny and Jason Bateman were voice actors. That's a good bit of talent, however this show is a forgotten turd that got stuck somewhere in your ass. It's not good. It's mostly just trying to hard and none of the characters feel very real or cartoony enough to be funny. It's not very well done. I also thought said episode was over halfway before it was. Something that feels like it never ends is never a good thing for any piece of entertainment and this episode just felt like it was 5 hours instead of twenty two minutes.

God, The Devil and Bob is a cartoon that is a interesting concept. God and the Devil have a bet about the end of the world. The Devil gets to choose one person who if they haven't made the world a better place, God will just blow up the Earth and start again. The person who gets chosen is Bob who is voiced by French Stewart and his beautiful squinty eyes. I don't know how eyes voice something but his did damnit. The episode I watched was Bob on order from God to get sex off TV. So Bob tries and fails at this impossible task. I haven't even watched the entire episode but if he someone does it I will be amazed. It will probably end with some character being like I WILL MAKE SURE I HAVE SEX IN THE RIGHT WAY AT THE RIGHT TIME. Ok so Satan got some actress to keep him occupied and annoyed and Bob somehow found out that the TV people are in league WITH SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT! SUCH CLEVER COMMENTARY!!! Bob literally gives up and goes home. The b plot involves his wife being sick and his daughter going to a concert. Anyway uh Bob sees that they are doing a SEX SPECIAL on the 6 o clock news so he sneaks into the building and replaces the SEX SPECIAL tape with a tape of Heidi but he forgets that's not Heidi but a sex tape he made with his wife. This grosses everyone out and they don't watch TV for the Night so God is happy enough. I guess I was wrong. This show is still not very good. Although I did at least chuckle a few times which makes it better than Sit Down Shut Up and the show that's coming up next.

There are some very popular things from the past that I have not discussed once on this blog. My nostalgia blog for all the dumb things from the past. This is for two reasons. Some of them I just think it would be funny to never really discuss until I end the blog for good (which would probably be when I can't think of a single thing to discuss) and the other reason is that I just don't like that thing and I'm not really in the mood to have a big old discussion or argument over it. I have to mention a very popular thing that I think I have not even mentioned yet. Ren and Stimpy. As a weird little hobgoblin of a 15 year old I loved watching it. It was insane. As a large hobgoblin of a 40 year old I just do not see what I saw then and am not a big fan of it. I give it credit for it helping to usher in a bunch of fun cartoons that weren't toy based stuff (not to knock that stuff because I love it but variety is always nice) but it just simply doesn't hold up and it's creator John Krisgfaofkaosdkfoisacusdijisskski is a one trick pony who really has no right shitting all over just about every other person who ever animated something. I'm sorry but someone who made a show this fucking terrible does not get to trash anything else ever. They would show reruns of this in the same block of shows they would show Ren and Stimpy and I didn't even realize it was the same guy who did both (although on Ren and Stimpy he had people who wouldn't kiss his ass and tell him he's a Golden God and would probably fight with him on stuff) This was the shitty story of several strong guys who were REALLY MASCULINE because John Krisfcuakdfjdasokfulski has weird issues with Masculinity because of his father. Seriously look that shit up. The one joke this show had was HAHAHA THESE GUYS....................ARE REALLY MASCULINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tried to watch an episode of it to see if I was actually missing anything and I just couldn't. I'm sorry. This show is up there with City Guys in media so just not good that it I just can't handle it. I would rather spend the time left to watch the rest of this episode doing many other better things. Like shoving my dick into a wall socket. Hell, I'd rather watch Tim and Eric, Go Fuck Yourself In The Ass Until You Die Show then another second of this garbage.

It may have only appeared on adult swim for two whopping episodes, but I'm still reviewing it, why because I can. I am the captain of this fucking ship and I can do whatever the hell I want. Anyway this was a show I would get up early to watch in the morning when I was like eleven or so years old. I would have cinnamon toast and watch this cartoon and laugh. I think my love of very very very very corny comedy comes from this show. I rewatched the first episode and if you are surprised that the cartoon from the 1960s that I watched in reruns while making myself fatter by eating like three slices of cinnamon toast every day wasn't going to be the show I liked the most out of these four than you really should realize what kind of weirdo I am. I cannot wait for portnoyd to come in and POOP ALL OVER THIS SHOW but I enjoyed watching it and laughed several times. It didn't feel like a 55 hour movie about paint drying. Yeah the animation is uh cheap as hell but the jokes are pretty great and the voice acting is stellar. I enjoyed watching this show after almost thirty years and will have to watch the whole thing one day soon. It's amazing that the one show I enjoyed was the one I wrote the least about. I will write about the Rocky and Bullwinkle Marvel Comic because why not. 

another four shows talked about. Let's get to watching some more!

The Comic Review #98: Transformers #6-8

 Alright! It's time to return to reviewing comics I got as a kid! I started collecting comics in 1993 when I was 8 years of age. It was a magical time. I would go to a used book store near our house called the Second Page Bookstore (which is a really good name for a used book store). It was a great store that sold Charlie Brown books! and Garfield! and Calvin and Hobbes! and Bloom County! and Wizard of Id! and B.C.! It sold other humor books but those were the only ones I had interest in. They also sold comic books. I had recently gotten three Spider Man comics that changed my life and made me an addict to Four Color Fun for the rest of my life. Thanks mom and dad! At least it wasn't crack in my Christmas stocking! Anyway any little bit of money I got to spend went to these things. And a lot of my mother's money because she had more than I did! I don't know how I got these random Transformers issues but I did! They were awesome because Transformers were awesome. I think this started my weird life long affair with the Dinobots. They were Dinosaur Robots! I never owned them as a kid because I was born in 1985 and did not own many Transformers. I only ever saw the cartoon in reruns. Yep. Another big blast of text from CLAWXBLOG that starts off a review.

One thing I miss from new comic book covers is the character speaking. Like there are no text boxes on new comic book covers. In the past it would be a dramatic scene that would happen (sometimes very very very very very loosely) within the comic. They were always a bit more eye catching. I dunno. I just had to say that I miss them. I would want to have text boxes on the cover if I ever got to write for Marvel Comics! Anyway, in the old reviews I would talk about a creative person who worked on the comics I reviewed. I stopped doing that and I don't know why, so I'm bringing it back. I already talked about the writer of this comic when I did a review of a Sleepwalker comic. This time I will talk about Kyle Baker who inked these issues. Kyle Baker was born on December 31st, 1965! The last day of the year and his momma had to be at the hospital! He was inspired by things like Mad magazine, Disney cartoons and the Sunday funnies (Like Charlie Brown and B.C.!) and when he was still a teenager he became an intern at Marvel which got him art stuff to do because Marvel literally was publishing like 8520 comics then. They somehow publish more these days. It's wild. Some of his first work were these Transformers comics! His most famous comic Why I Hate Saturn came out in 1990! He also did animation work for places like BET and THE LOONEY TUNES?!? I really should talk more about the Looney Tunes shouldn't I port?  He was inducted into the Comic Book Hall of fame just this year! 2025! Woo Kyle!

Issue #6 starts out with Shockwave, the cool purple guy with one yellow eye in his Gun form getting ready to take over some kind of Oil drilling thing in the ocean. You know what I'm talking about. I don't know the actual name for it and don't even act surprised that I don't. You know what I'm like! G.B. BLACKROCK which is like the best name for an oil tycoon tries to send out weapons against Shockwave.  It does not work and he pretty much destroys the entire Oil Platform doohickey thing. G.B. Blackrock saves a woman named Josie who was electrocuted in her "weapons area" she was the one sending out all the weapons. The platform is destroyed and Shockwave tells them to go home and warn everyone that the world will be taken over by the Decepticons! We then see Megatron tied up with some kind of giant comic book machinery wires. He declares that he will have revenge on all the traitors who joined up with Shockwave. We then get a scene with Optimus Prime's HEAD TALKING TO BUSTER WHITWICKY. holy shit what the hell? I really need to sit down and re-read all of these Transformers comics. He ends up getting Buster to Mindlink with him by taking two wires off his head and putting them near his head. This causes Buster to pass out. 

Shockwave talks to Megatron and tells him to go to the Oil Rig (That's the word! Yay!) where all the other Decepticons are. Also Decepticons is like the best name for a group of bad guy robots like ever. You gotta hand it to Bob Budinansky. He picked the best names for these characters! Anyway Buster wakes up and tells Ratchet, the Ambulance Autobot that Optimus Prime is a prisoner and all of the other Autobots are DEAD. Then Megatron not even waiting a second after getting released pretty much comes up and shoots Shockwave. This causes Shockwave to get thrown out of the mountain and across the town! They have an awesome fight but Shockwave wins because Megatron was still not at full strength and the dopey idiot should have waited! Anyway Shockwave lets Megatron live and humiliates him in front of every other Decepticon. Shockwave is cold as ice! Shockwave and the rest of the Decepticons leave for the new Oil Rig base and leave Megatron here on the Ark.

The next issue starts with Ratchet knocking down a tree where a bunch of College kids were partying in the woods. Drinkin booze. Doing drugs. having sex. All the stuff that you can't actually show in a you know Transformers comics from the 1980s. Anyway they are scared shitless of Ratchet because not everyone has seen a Transformer in this world yet. They have a discussion and Ratchet transforms into a Ambulance. Buster has a freakout because of the Mindlink from issue 6 and the college kids say they will get him home. Ratchet tries to say he'll take Buster home because he does not want to do what he has to do. You see Ratchet is a healer but he's also the last Autobot left to fight the Decepticons. I mean him and Optimus Prime's head. Now we turn to a random Oil rig worker bringing in a boom box that he assumes someone left there. That's not a good idea man! We all know where this is going it is clearly SOUNDWAVE and LASERBEAK. They want to take over this place too! G.B. Blackrock is gonna be really pissed off. G.B. Blackrock says he isn't beaten yet and the Rustbuckets better watch out! We then go to see Josie from Issue six in the hospital. She's not doing or saying anything so not a good look!

Ratchet then goes into the Ark and sees all the Autobots hanging from wires like this was some kind of Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie. It's actually kinda eerie really. Anyway (I'm sure this is the word I use the most in this blog and I will not stop) Ratchet finds Optimus Prime's head (still weird) and Optimus Prime gets him amped up to try and stop the Decepticons! He's still not sure about it but he doesn't have much say in the matter as Megatron shows up and they start a fight. I like that he tries to just shoot weird liquids at Megatron. They don't really do anything! Then Shockwave comes on the cool computer phone thing and tells Megatron to get ready to transport Optimus Prime's head. Ratchet then tells Megatron that he can help him stop Shockwave. He tells him about how the Dinobots stopped Ratchet like 562042890 million years ago. Megatron and Ratchet agree to a CYBERTRONIC BOND which is when they put both of their oil into a alien canister thing and set it on fire! Neither can forfeit or they give up their LIFE!  Ratchet now has to find the Dinobots or DIE!

They were for some reason putting the Transformers in the actual Marvel Universe. Spider Man showed up in issue #3 and in this issue, Ratchet goes to the Savage Land. I love the Savage Land. It's full of Dinosaurs! Dinosaurs are always ALWAYS awesome and even portnoyd can't disagree with that, but he will try because he is a NUISCANE. While traveling down the river he gets attacked by a snake which he sends off with a small hit of a laser and then he thinks about the previous issue. Pretty much every single comic book did this for like decades. Just a page recap of what happened last issue in case you missed it or picked up this issue randomly at a book store in like 1996 or whenever. It's charming to see it. I'd say they should try to do it these days but the stories today are just differently made. Not bad or anything, just different. Megatron and Shockwave talk and Megatron is like SO FUCKING PISSED he has to listen to Shockwave even for a minute. Ratchet then finds Slag the Triceratops. My favorite dinosaur might be the Stegosaurus but I will always change my mind. Dinosaurs are cool. I will keep repeating this until you realize that I am a seven year old child in a man's body. DINOSAURS WOO! Slag is covered in tar and not working so DOCTOR RATCHET TO THE RESCUE. Ratchet is watching how the whole thing went down how Shockwave was stopped. A mountain fell on all of them and caused them to be trapped. Slag wakes up and tries to attack Ratchet until he shows him that he is a Autobot just like him!

We get some pages about Josie and GB Blackrock. They will come to a head in issue 9! So no need to really get into them but man I miss oh shit look whats waiting in the wings for the Transformers/Spider-Man/Luke Cage/Tiny Tim/Portnoyd little sub plot pages. Man I realize they take so much out of comics these days. It's like an entirely new world! Ratchet then sends Megatron video from four million years ago and he thinks that the Dinobots have destroyed Shockwave. He and Megatron meet up in some Ski Resort and Megatron then says he wasn't going to hold up his side of the bargain and that Ratchet isn't a true warrior! Ratchet's response is to have the DINOBOTS COME OUT OF NOWHERE AND ATTACK MEGATRON! However Megatron ends up kicking their asses, however he's close to the edge of a cliff and Ratchet tries to knock him off. It does not end the way he wanted too. Megatron then talks about how he will destroy them all but not before the little bit of Ice cliff he was standing on breaks off and he transforms into his Gun mode and then gets stuck in the ice! We then get Ratchet and teh Dinobots going back to help the other Autobots. The story ends with Josie getting all circuitry-d up and being able to shoot blasts from her fingers! Oh shit! Next issue is gonna be wild! However I have talked about Transformers enough for one day. We will probably come back to this series again as I had a lot of fun revisiting these comics. 

FINAL THOUGHTS: These comics were a lot of fun to read. I really have nothing else to say about that. I just enjoyed them. Dinosaurs are cool.

NES Games Reviews #28: I talk about Blockbuster for way too long for some reason

 

It's getting very hard to find images to go to each of these posts. Maybe I should just use a fun image of one of the games I'm talking about in this post, but this time I'm going to talk about a place that Blockbuster DIDN'T overtake everything in. Yes, St. John's Newfoundland. I mean yes, we had like three Blockbusters, but we also had three Jumbo Videos, three Allan's Videos, and like 9249 other Video Stores. Seriously we had a LOT of video stores for such a small place. Not to mention all the places that used to rent videos like Grocery Stores and Convince Stores. I never really went to Blockbuster that much. $5 for one old movie rental when I could go down the street to rent 7 movies for 7 dollars and 77 cents at Allan's Video. They also got rid of a lot of the weird b-movies that I would have rented for 82 copies of Lord of the Rings or some garbage like that. fuck Lord of the Rings. Hobbits are boring shitheads. There I said it. Anyway I don't have the nostalgia for Blockbuster that a lot of people did. Allan's Video, Jumbo Video and Capital Video for life though. Anyway I'm very good at talking about things that are not related to the topic at hand like todays topic which is NES games. Anyway let's get to a next six games.

I try to be easier on unlicensed games. They were clearly programmed by two people and not a team. They were clearly coded on a almost broken computer. They were clearly programmed very quickly and cheaply. They were clearly coded in a dirty room that smelled like bourbon and sadness (just like portnoyd's game room). I also find them to be weirdly inspirational. Sure a lot of the games were not good but they wanted in on the NES action and they tried. Something weirdly respectable about that. They were neat weird oddities that I will never understand why NEW COLLECTOR JERKS don't want them. It's not like there aren't a lot of shitty shitty SHITTY games that Nintendo gave an okay too. I don't completely hate Death Race despite all of its many many flaws. The game clearly has an idea it wants to put across, it just doesn't work very well. This game clearly has many flaws. It's hard to control your car to run people over and the game also wants you to do it fast because it sends a LOT of guys after you to kill you. It just comes off as annoying. I don't hate this game but I can't put it in the good section.

This game is a fucking god damned nightmare. None of the games in this six are very good (except one) but this is the clear winner of shittiest game in the lot.  This game might have some of the worst controls ever. The character is slow, clunky and hard to move around. Another big problem is this is one of those games that felt like it had to have 85429408290492380409234 enemies in a small area. Enemies that are pretty damn hard to kill. The levels are also poorly designed and you'll probably get lost. I don't want to talk about this shitty garbage any more. Fuck you Deathbots.

This is the only good game in this lot of games. It is one I don't think I played before but I really can't tell what I have and haven't played anymore. It's a simple arcade type game where you fly in either direction shooting at enemies. They shoot back and kidnap guys on the ground that you also have to save. It's a very very very very simple game but really sometimes the very very very very simple games are some of the most fun. I cannot say much about Defender II but I can say that I had a lot of fun playing it. Which is a good thing.

I don't think I can give this game a fair review. I gave it a shot just recently. And by recently I mean like 15 minutes ago. It's a strategy game with some action bits and the worst part is how annoying the action bits are. It's hard to get any of the fights or jousting done. I didn't enjoy it. I also don't even know where to go with the strategic bits. I think portnoyd actually beat this for the NES Bounty so he will tell me how to play it. Then I'll maybe review it again but probably not. 

My memory on this game was fuzzy so I played it again, and despite an absolutely horrible map (you think you are in one area but you find out you are literally on the other side of the map) this game is better than I remember. You get to play as several heroes. You pick a main hero from Jetpack Joe, Super Radioactive Dog and A lady. I just played this game and I forget them. I dunno, I had a bit of fun just shooting shit at robots. I don't need much in a video game, just let me shoot robots so I can save Dynatron City or something. If I needed fancy graphics or crazy plots I'd be playing some PS9 game or something. They really wanted this to be a hit. They had a cartoon pilot (with Tim Curry and Whoopi Goldberg!!!). a Marvel Comic (written by Steve Purcell the creator of Sam and Max so I might have to review some of the issues I have laying around the house.) but it's a complete obscurity unless you are a sad man like me whos reviewing NES games at 7 o clock on a Friday night. Anyway avoid playing as the Hammer guy because he sucks but this game I kinda like it.

I really should go back and now rewrite those earlier reviews where I say that there's only one game that's any good in this lot but EHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TOO LAZY. Anyway, Deja Vu is a NES Classic. Yes I know it was made for DOS or the Stupido Computers but I never played those damn versions and I'm probably never going too. Sorry but the only people who play DOS these days are Damien C and his friend WarMECH. Deja Vu is a really really good point and click adventure game where you have to find clues that prove that you did not kill someone. I forget who. It's some lady. I love the music in all three of these Kemco Point and Clickers. People should call Point and Click games Point and Clickers. It's a fun name fo them. Anyway the only problem with this game is that when you get to the end you have to make sure to throw out ANY eviendence that may make you look bad without throwing out stuff you need. It's annoying and stupid BUT using the Use command on your character will never, ever stop being funny. I am a child in a grown man's body.

There you have it. Six more games. 

GOOD GAMES: 71

BAD GAMES: 67

OKAY OR GAMES THAT HAVEN'T AGED WELL OR I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO PLAY BECAUSE IM A DOPE: 20