I just went with the Donkey Kong 3 arcade banner thing for the opening picture because I felt like it and because I can't do another picture of the NES right now. Need something else. Anyway did you know that this year 2025 was the 40th anniversary of the NES which also makes me feel old because it is also my 40th anniversary of being a part of this thing we call life. This wonderful but also sad thing we call life. Anyway before I get too depressing let's cut the chitchat because we got another six video games made for the NES to talk about. We will get to the end one day. Maybe.
This game seems to be very love it or hate it. A lot of people seem to hate it. Personally I love it. Just something about the different kind of gameplay is very enjoyable to me. This time you do not play as Jumpman aka Mario Mario from the Super Mario Brothers. And yes I consider the 1993 Super Mario Brothers movie to be canon. No Nintendo you will not stop me from feeling that way. I will wrestle Miyamoto to make it canon. I mean I will fail because a 70 year old Japanese man could clearly beat me because I would get tired 3 seconds into the match but damnit I'd try! For 3 seconds at least! Enough about that weird movie that I like. We are here to introduce Nintendo's most famous character. Stanley. Stanley the Bugman! He kills bugs! Donkey Kong now controls bugs for some reason! I do not know why I use so many exclamation points! I just like them! Anyway you shoot the bugs and move onto the next level until it gest to hard. I got pretty good at this game but I don't think anyone else enjoyed playing it for the SCORE CHALLENGE. TOUGH SHIT FOR THEM.
This was the Donkey Kong game I liked playing the most for the old NES. I mean it's the one I remember playing the most as a child. Something about this one just worked the best for me. I guess I liked playing a kid character? I dunno. This one is actually the hardest one for me to get into a groove with for the NES now as an adult. Something about this one is just harder than the rest for me. I mean it's still an excellent arcade style game. Probably even better than the original because no levels were removed (unless I missed something and there was a removed level) I like the weird level with the electricity that looks like it just popped out of the movie Tron. I wish Tron was considered a bigger deal at Disney because maybe they wouldn't have let that doody face Jared Leto ruin it. Oh well. Oh, before I go did you know that Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr had cartoons in the early 1980s? Well they did. And so did Q-Bert and Frogger. I have never seen the Donkey Kong or Jr cartoons but I did see a Q-Bert one. They were greasers and it was the 1950s. Q-Fonzie. Yeah. I had to mention that because I do not know if we will ever get to the Qs.
Now we have what is single handedly the most pointless NES game of all time. Not the worst. Just the most pointless. No matter what game you consider the worst to be, someone out there wanted it badly. Someone wanted Ikari Warriors, or Dr. Jekyll or MUSCLE or whatever. Not a single fucking living creature ever wanted this game. Not even the big nerdy ones that loved math. No one put Donkey Kong Jr Math on their Christmas list. You instinctly knew it would be of poor quality. Even if you were a little math nerd you still knew you could get your hidieous math fix somewhere else. You knew and that's why this game became weirdly rare. Because it was passed up on again and again. This game was a punishment from your parents because it doesn't even do anything interesting. It's not remotely fun to play in any way. This was until the NintendoAge mongoloids came in and just shit their pants over this game. It came a necessary part of your collection. That's a part of what made them so frustrating and shitty to me. The need to prioritize awful garbage like this game. They really ruined NES game collecting and I will never forgive them for that. You either got this game because you were bad at Math and your parents thought this would somehow help or your parents bought every single black box game in 1985 to keep your dumb ass happy and away from them (hi port!). Anyway fuck Donkey Kong Jr Math and fuck NintendoAge. Rest in piss you shitty fucks.
Well, I guess I have to review this even though I just reviewed Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr. This game puts both in one cartridge. I don't know why they didn't put part 3 and hell shove in Donkey Kong Jr. Math for the hell of it. Anyway this was the Donkey Kong game I had as a kid. I loved it. I would play it before watching The Bugs Bunny & Tweety Show on ABC. I really don't know what else to say than that. There's not much else to say. I can say I really like the box art. It's very cute with a really angry Mario just giving Donkey Kong a concussion because Donkey Kong became nicer. The Donkey Kong of 1981 would have squished Mario's legs to shit killing the bastard. Anyway, HERE PORT HERE'S THE DAMN DONKEY KONG CLASSICS REVIEW!
This is a show based on the most famous show of 1980s Nickelodeon. 1980s Nickelodeon was weird and wild. Just the most random shit picked out from other places and made by them. Double Dare was popular as shit for like five or six years. It even got turned into a syndication show. However we to the best of my knowledge never got it here in Canada. I never got to see it. I did however get to see the weird Canadian ripoff of it. It was called Uh-Oh and it had a man named the Punisher in some weird BDSM gear. It also gave away hilariously awful prizes. Like some shitty off brand walkman. Great stuff Canada! I never really liked Uh-Oh! but it stuck in my mind like everything eles form the past. My brain is nothing but things from the past floating around in there. It's frightening and bizarre. Anyway, this game is not great. The trivia answering stuff you'd find in one of the 9000 Jeopardy games made for the NES is fine. Nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is when you have to do the end of the game challenge. The controls in this section are so so bad that you will want to throw your Nintendo at the wall and yell and scream like you were a 5 year old child. So for that alone I cannot say this game is anything more than OK. I mean it ruins the part of the game you really wanted to play right? The crazy obstacle course. Portnoyd will laugh at me for never getting to see Double Dare.
Alright! It's fucking Double Dragon time. The 1980s and 1990s had like 18,609 beat em up games and it rarely got as good as Double Dragon. I think this might be my favorite beat em up series. Just smacking the guys around in this one felt so good all the time. The characters you could beat up were very memorable. Like Abobo. Is Abobo supposed to be a weird freak or just a deformed man. I like that he can hide in caves and just bust out of them. Abobo rules. Abobo is my hero. I want to be like Abobo. Okay I promise to not say Abobo again. I will try to stay with that promise but it will be hard. It's just so much fun to say and to type. Anyway, the only problem I have with any of these Double Dragon games is when you have to jump from one platform to another. They always bring them in later on in the game and the jumping is just very awkward. That's the only problem with any of these games. Pretty great graphics for the time. Incredible music. It's just the game should have just kept to smacking dudes instead of jumping over pits. Still a worthy addition to any collection. I mean if I thought it was a good idea to collect games these days, which I don't. This game now goes for $30 and you know how many copies I saw in Newfoundland? way too many. With the Newfoundland Rule (that being anything found in Newfoundland can no longer be considered rare) being put into place, people should literally be giving you copies of this game. For free.
GOOD GAMES: 80
BAD GAMES: 70
OKAY GAMES: 24
GAMES THAT I AM TOO IMPATIENT TO PLAY BECAUSE IM A LAZY BOY: 2
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