I just went with the Donkey Kong 3 arcade banner thing for the opening picture because I felt like it and because I can't do another picture of the NES right now. Need something else. Anyway did you know that this year 2025 was the 40th anniversary of the NES which also makes me feel old because it is also my 40th anniversary of being a part of this thing we call life. This wonderful but also sad thing we call life. Anyway before I get too depressing let's cut the chitchat because we got another six video games made for the NES to talk about. We will get to the end one day. Maybe.
This game seems to be very love it or hate it. A lot of people seem to hate it. Personally I love it. Just something about the different kind of gameplay is very enjoyable to me. This time you do not play as Jumpman aka Mario Mario from the Super Mario Brothers. And yes I consider the 1993 Super Mario Brothers movie to be canon. No Nintendo you will not stop me from feeling that way. I will wrestle Miyamoto to make it canon. I mean I will fail because a 70 year old Japanese man could clearly beat me because I would get tired 3 seconds into the match but damnit I'd try! For 3 seconds at least! Enough about that weird movie that I like. We are here to introduce Nintendo's most famous character. Stanley. Stanley the Bugman! He kills bugs! Donkey Kong now controls bugs for some reason! I do not know why I use so many exclamation points! I just like them! Anyway you shoot the bugs and move onto the next level until it gest to hard. I got pretty good at this game but I don't think anyone else enjoyed playing it for the SCORE CHALLENGE. TOUGH SHIT FOR THEM.
This was the Donkey Kong game I liked playing the most for the old NES. I mean it's the one I remember playing the most as a child. Something about this one just worked the best for me. I guess I liked playing a kid character? I dunno. This one is actually the hardest one for me to get into a groove with for the NES now as an adult. Something about this one is just harder than the rest for me. I mean it's still an excellent arcade style game. Probably even better than the original because no levels were removed (unless I missed something and there was a removed level) I like the weird level with the electricity that looks like it just popped out of the movie Tron. I wish Tron was considered a bigger deal at Disney because maybe they wouldn't have let that doody face Jared Leto ruin it. Oh well. Oh, before I go did you know that Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr had cartoons in the early 1980s? Well they did. And so did Q-Bert and Frogger. I have never seen the Donkey Kong or Jr cartoons but I did see a Q-Bert one. They were greasers and it was the 1950s. Q-Fonzie. Yeah. I had to mention that because I do not know if we will ever get to the Qs.
Now we have what is single handedly the most pointless NES game of all time. Not the worst. Just the most pointless. No matter what game you consider the worst to be, someone out there wanted it badly. Someone wanted Ikari Warriors, or Dr. Jekyll or MUSCLE or whatever. Not a single fucking living creature ever wanted this game. Not even the big nerdy ones that loved math. No one put Donkey Kong Jr Math on their Christmas list. You instinctly knew it would be of poor quality. Even if you were a little math nerd you still knew you could get your hidieous math fix somewhere else. You knew and that's why this game became weirdly rare. Because it was passed up on again and again. This game was a punishment from your parents because it doesn't even do anything interesting. It's not remotely fun to play in any way. This was until the NintendoAge mongoloids came in and just shit their pants over this game. It came a necessary part of your collection. That's a part of what made them so frustrating and shitty to me. The need to prioritize awful garbage like this game. They really ruined NES game collecting and I will never forgive them for that. You either got this game because you were bad at Math and your parents thought this would somehow help or your parents bought every single black box game in 1985 to keep your dumb ass happy and away from them (hi port!). Anyway fuck Donkey Kong Jr Math and fuck NintendoAge. Rest in piss you shitty fucks.
Well, I guess I have to review this even though I just reviewed Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr. This game puts both in one cartridge. I don't know why they didn't put part 3 and hell shove in Donkey Kong Jr. Math for the hell of it. Anyway this was the Donkey Kong game I had as a kid. I loved it. I would play it before watching The Bugs Bunny & Tweety Show on ABC. I really don't know what else to say than that. There's not much else to say. I can say I really like the box art. It's very cute with a really angry Mario just giving Donkey Kong a concussion because Donkey Kong became nicer. The Donkey Kong of 1981 would have squished Mario's legs to shit killing the bastard. Anyway, HERE PORT HERE'S THE DAMN DONKEY KONG CLASSICS REVIEW!
This is a show based on the most famous show of 1980s Nickelodeon. 1980s Nickelodeon was weird and wild. Just the most random shit picked out from other places and made by them. Double Dare was popular as shit for like five or six years. It even got turned into a syndication show. However we to the best of my knowledge never got it here in Canada. I never got to see it. I did however get to see the weird Canadian ripoff of it. It was called Uh-Oh and it had a man named the Punisher in some weird BDSM gear. It also gave away hilariously awful prizes. Like some shitty off brand walkman. Great stuff Canada! I never really liked Uh-Oh! but it stuck in my mind like everything eles form the past. My brain is nothing but things from the past floating around in there. It's frightening and bizarre. Anyway, this game is not great. The trivia answering stuff you'd find in one of the 9000 Jeopardy games made for the NES is fine. Nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is when you have to do the end of the game challenge. The controls in this section are so so bad that you will want to throw your Nintendo at the wall and yell and scream like you were a 5 year old child. So for that alone I cannot say this game is anything more than OK. I mean it ruins the part of the game you really wanted to play right? The crazy obstacle course. Portnoyd will laugh at me for never getting to see Double Dare.
Alright! It's fucking Double Dragon time. The 1980s and 1990s had like 18,609 beat em up games and it rarely got as good as Double Dragon. I think this might be my favorite beat em up series. Just smacking the guys around in this one felt so good all the time. The characters you could beat up were very memorable. Like Abobo. Is Abobo supposed to be a weird freak or just a deformed man. I like that he can hide in caves and just bust out of them. Abobo rules. Abobo is my hero. I want to be like Abobo. Okay I promise to not say Abobo again. I will try to stay with that promise but it will be hard. It's just so much fun to say and to type. Anyway, the only problem I have with any of these Double Dragon games is when you have to jump from one platform to another. They always bring them in later on in the game and the jumping is just very awkward. That's the only problem with any of these games. Pretty great graphics for the time. Incredible music. It's just the game should have just kept to smacking dudes instead of jumping over pits. Still a worthy addition to any collection. I mean if I thought it was a good idea to collect games these days, which I don't. This game now goes for $30 and you know how many copies I saw in Newfoundland? way too many. With the Newfoundland Rule (that being anything found in Newfoundland can no longer be considered rare) being put into place, people should literally be giving you copies of this game. For free.
GOOD GAMES: 80
BAD GAMES: 70
OKAY GAMES: 24
GAMES THAT I AM TOO IMPATIENT TO PLAY BECAUSE IM A LAZY BOY: 2
We're old. This is the unfortunate state of things. This is why we talk about NES because it's good and fun.
ReplyDeleteYOU'LL GET TO THE END EVEN IF I HAVE TO FLY TO NEWFIEVILLE AND SIT DOWN WITH YOU AND PLAY EVERY GAME WITH YOU.
I played it a good amount for the score challenge. It is a GOOD and FUN game, even if it can get a little insane later on in the game. Stanley the BUG MAN is a product of the era which was "Mario, who the fuck is that?". Simpler times when Donkey Kong was the actual star of Nintendo and Mario just showed up. Then SMB1 happened and it was all fucking over.
Same goes with the cartoons. Pre-Lou Albano era. They were incoherent madness but still good madness.
Fun fact: name a Atari 2600 born property that still survives to this day, regularly appearing in games. You can't think of one because there isn't. Games were just games instead of franchises and, blech, "brands". It was the difference at to why the NES really succeeded but it set a bad precedent.
I would pay to see cavernites spar with classic game developers. I choose David Crane.
DK Jr I also played a lot growing up as I had it as a kid, but man, I don't know if I enjoyed it. DK Jr kind of has a dump truck ass so he falls like a fucking rock, while jumping like he has poop in his pants. However, love that electric level.
Lol hi claw.
Yeah, the NA assholes really took a big shit on NES collecting and this is proof. It's not even really the game, which is appropriate as your comments about the game are opposite wrong, but the damn box. And when you care more about a game's fucking box, you got problems. And while yes, I do have this box and in a good condition which would make NA fags wet themselves, I am most proud that I got it from Frank Cifaldi over 20 years for $50 complete. That is satisfying now that I know what a fucking sellout and whore he is.
ANYWAY! Yes, this game is worthless if anyone is honest with themselves. Also, play POPEYE ENGLISH LESSON at some point. Or mention it in the Popeye review in 2028.
THANK YOU CLAW. The last thing that is going to happen is you are going to finish it without doing EVERY GAME. My job of making this blog better by commenting on it would not be complete if I let that happen.
CLAWBLOG INFRACTION: Using the C64 box art for the NES version of Double Dare. You have been fined 3 Door Cods.
80s Nickelodeon was like early 80s arcade games. No fucks given. Would we have gotten THE BEST SHOW FROM THAT ERA WITH EVERYONE'S FAVORITE CANADIAN DAVE COULIER with fucks? No we wouldn't have. And that also gave us Double Dare. I watched this show all the damn time. I will not make fun of you for not watching it but maybe do a Final Episode for it or something, if that's possible.
Uh-Oh sounds like a parody of Double Dare. I would say that tracks as Canada is a parody of the USA, but let's be honest here, lately, it's the other way around.
The game is pretty brutal. I remember renting it and making it the final thing and you have to seesaw the D-pad just to move and fuck my life, I could not do it. I appreciate that this game exists because the show was like a rite of passage in the US, but like, could you had anyone but Rare make it?
Platforming in non platforming games is terrible. There are too many games like that. AKKSHULLY Double Dragon II was the worst for that. I like that game but I always burn all my lives on the same spot, trying to make a fucking jump.
$30 for this? HOW? WHY? You are not not correct in that it is DIRT common. Demand can't be that high. The music is tight though and I always kind of liked the experience/leveling system in it, even though it's too slow and should have capped you at midway through the game, so you can use all those skills. But yeah, it's a winner.
Dave Coulier was born in Detroit Michigan.
ReplyDeleteDetroit Michigan is not a part of Canada.
I want to shove a Donkey Kong Jr Math box up my ass. On camera.
I would do a Final Episode on Double Dare but it's kinda weird doing that for a game show. But I might try to find a few episodes and do a UH OH VS DOUBLE DARE blog post.
It's close enough, there's a bridge right in Detroit that goes into Canada, so he is Canadian.
ReplyDeleteIf I win the lottery, I will buy you a full boxed NES set and you can have your choice of what you jam up there, it'd be my pleasure.
A full dive into Uh Oh alone would be fantastic. I demand pics and YT links in the blog post.
Also if we fight 80s game developers I want to beat the man who did all those Micronics games. I hate him.
ReplyDeleteIf you can find him. He's been lost to time. Everyone assumes, probably rightfully, that it was one guy in his basement and I believe it. Some of those games had to be one guy and one Japanese guy makes sense. At least Sonson is very playable.
ReplyDelete