NES Games Reviews #30? or 31? I dunno: Dig with Dirty Harry and Donkey Kong!

 

Here is a Nintoaster. It is one of the things that is pretty cool but also really kinda stupid and you wonder how someone decided to put the two together. Then you realize autism is a thing and has been a thing for a very long time and then you sit in awe over the wonders and power of autism. It really is something else, isn't it? Anyway, you know the deal. Six more NES games getting reviewed. Six more games portnoyd will probably be wrong about. 

First off I want to rant a little bit. Do you know how hard it is to find a good picture of a box for these games. This is the best one I could find and it's not even the entire box. There was another one but it had a water mark on it and no sir this blog is not trying ot help you sell Dig Dug II for way more than it should go for on your eBay page. Try someone else, bitch. It's just very annoying and I don't like it. Anyway Dig Dug II is a game I very much like. I really never realized how many arcade like games I enjoy playing on the NES. This game is pretty much an arcade game that was maybe given different levels or more levels. I dunno. I didn't bother to look it up. It starts off pretty easy but by level ten it will whip your ass into shape. However, I very much enjoy playing it. Fun music, tight gameplay. I tip my hat to the person who beat this for the NES bounty, even if it was that huge jerk Portnoyd. You did good, jerk. I dunno why they never made a Dig Dug III for the NES or SNES, or even brought Dig Dug for the Famicom over here. I would have played it. The NES had good arcade style games on it. I dunno what else to say. Dig Dug II is cool.

This is one of the games I want to like. I really do. The graphics and characters are all nice enough. I like the music. The controls are fine. I don't even care that every level is a maze. Mazes are fine. The biggest problem with this game is that you are on a timer. Mazes when you have a timer on are pretty much horse shit asshole garbage. You have to tear ass like there is no tomorrow just to get to the end. So you have to end up hurting yourself and leaving stuff unfound so you can get to the exit and not be trapped in the level. I just do not like that. It's terrible. Awful. Bad. I know portnoyd will go RARE SUCKS LOLFOLFOF FART ASS BUTT but really is it that much fun to shit on Rare when in this situation I agree this game sucks balls and is no good.

This is one of the worst NES games ever made. No, it's one of the worst video games ever made. No, It's one of the worst god damned fucking shit ass things ever made. This game is like a greasy smelly disgustingly foul turd coming out of the most diseased persons asshole ever. It's the ugliest most unclean, unenjoyable thing on the planet. Okay, maybe not that bad, but it sure as hell wasn't good!  You have a game that it's hard to find where to go. That's not too bad because a lot of NES games were like hey have fun figuring out where to go. At least some of them changed up the things and were nice enough to give you hints. Not Dirty Harry. You go through all the same ugly buildings to find your way into a sewer so you can shoot a guy. You then get a straight forward level where literally 592408240284092840298 things are getting thrown at you. And you also cannot jump very well. It's really bad.  This game might just have the worst jumping controls you'll ever have to figure out. There's just one more level after this (yes this game only has three levels because Mindscape really did not give a shit) but I've never gotten to it because Level 2 is so hard. The music, graphics and everything else is unpleasant to look at. The Dirty Harry series of movies were very well done, at least I thought so. Those movies deserved better than this. Clint Eastwood deserved better than this. YOU deserve better than this. Please, play any other video game instead of this worthless stupid shit ass garbage that Portnoyd will probably go OH ITS NOT SO BAD I LOVE IT.

You are probably thinking, oh It's Capcom. and Disney. CLAWX IS GOING TO KISS AND HUG THIS GAME AND PRAISE IT TO THE MOON AND BACK. Well guess again. Disney's Adventures in the Magic Kingdom is...........okay. I do not hate this game. Some of it is fun to play but some of it is just kinda shitty. The train level is bad. Space Mountain SUCKS. The car level is fine. The two platforming stages are pretty good and I forget if there's anything other to this game. I just didn't feel like playing this game again. It's wrong that I'll probably end up playing Dirty Harry before I play this game again isn't it? It's just not up to Capcom's regular standard of like Bionic Commando or Mega Man.......or like any of the other Disney games. There's really not much to say about this game except the name they give you if you don't pick one it's called Bamboo.7 which is weirdly hilarious. That's all I can say about this game. It's okay.

This is one of the games that fall into the genre that I lovingly refer to as "Put this thing here and take this thing and put it there". Some of those games are pretty great. Some of them are not so. I'm going to put Dizzy somewhere in the middle. I don't hate these games but some of the things you have to do just feel baffling and weird. It's like "why the fuck would you have to put that there? that makes no sense!" That's really the only problem I have with Dizzy is that some of the shit you have to do makes no damn sense. It's still done better here than in Dirty Harry. I guess I have nothing else to say except that. 

I could literally repost my review of Dig Dug II and replace Donkey Kong with Dig Dug II and have it be a day. However, I'm not going to do that because I have to review four more Donkey Kong games in the next NES Game Reviews post. This is a very well done arcade version of Donkey Kong for your Nintendo. The only problem this game has is that it removes a level from the arcade game. I'm wondering if they really had to do that or if they secretly hated the pie level. I had Donkey Kong Classies as a kid (do I have to review this game, port?)  This is a fun game to play. Starts simple and gets harder. Just like an arcade game port or arcade like game should. I really don't know what else to say about it because it's fucking Donkey Kong and I know you already know about fucking Donkey Kong. the game, not actually fucking the giant gorilla character of Donkey Kong. 

Yep, more games down. I wonder why I started doing this?

GOOD GAMES: 76

BAD GAMES:  69

OKAY GAMES OR GAMES THAT HAVEN'T AGED WELL: 23

GAMES YOU MIGHT ENJOY IF YOU AREN'T AN IMPATIENT GOOBER LIKE I AM: 2