NES Game Reviews: Doctors, Dracula's and Dragons.

 

You know I don't think I ever used an image of the Top Loading NES in these. So here it is. I wanted one of these not for rarity but because they seemed to work better. I had so many NESes just stop working for me and I was sick of it. I bought one on eBay with like 100 or so games for not a terrible price because this was maybe 2006? 2007? 2008? I don't fucking know. It was before the shit hit the fan and every thing from the past actually suddenly became worth something. Like I was made fun of for asking someone if they had NES games to sell. That's how low that shit had sunk at one point. Now everyone is like RETRO WOO. Not trying to gatekeep because that's really pointless in the end just saying that I was there when no one else for the most part was. So that NES did not actually work at all. It was broken beyond repair. I even brought it to a store where a guy would repair NESes and sell them and he couldn't get it back. It was gone. STUPID PATTI NORWICKI SOLD ME A BROKEN NINTENDO. I'M ON TO YOU PATTI. Thankfully I did get a working Top Loading NES that is now hooked up to a TV that doesn't even turn on any more. I should see if I can fix that TV, I've had it for 33 years. It's a good man. CATHORAY TUBE TELEVISIONS FOREVER BITCHES. Yes, I used the NES Top Loader just so I could shit out this opening paragraph. Eat me.

When one thing is popular, like for example say, Tetris. It gets a lot and I mean a lot of ripoffs or cash ins. Dr. Mario owes itself to Tetris. It does change things up where you have to kill the little germs but it wouldn't be here without Tetris. I love Tetris and  most Tetris games (only one I do not like and we will get to it) and Dr. Mario is no different, the only problem with Dr. Mario is that I am absolutely terrible as fuck at it. It's actually comical how terrible I am at Dr. Mario. Still it doesn't matter because it's a very fun game, with nice graphics and amazing music. Both music tracks are bonertastic ten star masterpieces of Video Game music. I kinda like getting to the lesser discussed stuff because really there's not much more I can say about Dr. Mario that hasn't been said better by many many other people.

I've only ever played Dracula for the NES and SNES. Both games were based on the Movie that was based on the book. The biggest problem really with both games is the developers going WOW LET'S SHOW THEM THESE COOL GRAPHICS AND THINGS WE CAN DO. And they did. There's some impressive stuff here in that manner. They forgot to do two things. Make stages that were interesting and not poorly made and annoying and also have the play control not be drizzly shit. Those two things take the game down really far down the list if I were ranking all these games. I will not do that because I value my sanity and sometimes it's really hard to decide if one game really is worse than another. Anyway there's not much here that's something you can say than what I've said before. Sad because who the hell doesn't want to kill Dracula as played by Gary Oldman?!?

Hey gang! We are talking about a game that only ONE Youtuber has made a video on. Now that's something. I mean I take umbridge with his NES GAMES NO ONE PLAYED thing because I have in fact played Dragon Fighter by Natsume (and put out by Sofel). This is actually a pretty good game. I find it funny you see a man on the cover because I'm pretty sure you play as a pretty well endowed woman (she's got some wild ass titties) in the game. Like those are titties and not muscles. Anyway you play as a Fighter (of Dragons) that can also turn into a Dragon. It's a simple pretty fun Video game platformer that gets pretty hard later on. I would like to beat this game because it was very enjoyable. The music is pretty good. The stages are pretty well thought out. the Play control is pretty good although I do feel the character could have moved a bit faster. You get to play as different dragons with different fire power which is always fun. I consider Dragon Fighter to be a pretty good NES game that should get more love and respect. Portnoyd is going to fart and barf and pee all over this game I'm sure.

Well to start off, this is pretty much Dragon Ball before Dragon Ball was a thing in North America. I remember getting this game and realizing that before even having to use the Internet. They really did not edit the character sprites that much. Master Roshi is still himself. However they had to turn the panties he wants into sandwiches. Japan is a wild place. Anyway this game is very dated and really quite cheap in many segments. You really have to get up close to the boss and hope he doesn't take away all of your health so that you can get more health in the next section. Also your health seems to go down. At least I believe it did. Anyway Despite that and the wonky as fuck play control. I still like this game. Mostly because it's weird edits and stuff really crack me up. I have not beaten this game as I do believe it's quite hard but again like Dragon Fighter I would like too. 

I said in the last NES game post about Double Strike that it was the most boring shump on the NES. Now we actually get to talk about a very well done NES shump that still somehow does not get a lot of discussion on it. Dragon Spirit has you play as a dragon just shooting the fuck out of every thing on the screen. You get power ups and become more powerful. The game starts off easy with not to many enemies to fight and becomes insane later on. You get good music, good graphics and the play control is very smooth. It's a decent challenge and I really can't say anything more than that. So get off your ass and play some Dragon Spirit and save that Princess, bitch!

Here we have Dragon Strike, which I believe is the first Advanced Dungeons and Dragons game I have to talk about. I think there were like four or five of them on the NES and I just have to ask one question. Were ANY of these games ANY good for like ANY platform? I just remember being annoyed by this game for one simple reason. You had to hold down on a button to become smaller so you could attack different dragons. I remember the graphics being pretty good but the music and everything else was just not very good. I don't really get Dungeons and Dragons at all really. I really don't see whats so fun about it. The only Dungeons and Dragons thing I like is the totally rad cartoon from the 1980s. This game is probably the best of the Dungeons and Dragons games for the NES because it's the only one I can see myself going back to, try to get into the groove of the game. I don't know if I have even played Hillsfar but I'm not really looking forward to it. This game is not very good and I don't like it. Who knows one day I'll probably become the master of Dragon Strike because really I have nothing better to do with my time but until then this goes in the poop pile.

GOOD GAMES: 86

BAD GAMES: 75

OKAY OR POORLY AGED: 25

PROBABLY GOOD IF YOU AREN'T AN IMPATIENT BABY LIKE I AM: 2