Well, this is a different sort of blog post. You see that I like to add an image up on top. I think it works well. It looks good. You see blogspot is having a shitfit right now. It's pissing and shitting and vomiting and puking and that's just my nice and colorful way of saying for whatever reason the images will not show up. They will not go onto the page. Not even one that went onto the page yesterday. I love how the old internet is just rotting away not getting any use for the people like me who want to use it. So either it will be image-less for the rest of time or somehow gets magically fixed by the one sad person they have to do all this. It's all because people just want to make MONEY on YOUTUBE and TWITER by being DICKHEADS that I can't just post WILLY NILLY about some old comic books! I just want to talk about Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers, is that a fucking crime against humanity or something? It's certainly better than being an outrage farmer on Twitter trying to make money by making the internet and this world of our shittier. God fuck ass shit. I wish I could tell my 12 year old self everything that would happen and when to really get his act together. I don't even know what the hell I'm blathering about anymore. Let's get to the next paragraph. (It ended up showing up after I shut down my computer. I do not get it. I am leaving this part here because I want to bitch about how awful the Internet is now)
So, you see this is The Comic Review #100, and images or no images, you are not stopping me from talking on my fucking blog. Anyway, I like when I hit a big number on series of blog posts, it means I stuck to something for an actual amount of time. I'm amazed that I stuck with this blog, even if I don't post for months at a time some times. It's hard with portnoyd doing his little dance. It's like Bugs Bunny (me) and Elmer Fudd (portnoyd). I find something cool to show the world and portnoyd comes in and goes NO THAT ISNT COOL IT DOESNT HAVE DEADPOOL IN IT. I LOVE ONLY DEADPOOL AND MARRIED WITH CHILDREN. WRITE ABOUT THEM. Anyway I think I found something cool enough not even fuddnoyd could have a baby fit over. A five part crossover that involves TaleSpin, Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers, Goof Troop, DuckTales and Darkwing Duck. The almost original group of cartoons from the Disney Afternoon! That's cool!
You might be asking yourself where did something so cool come from? Well my friend. It came from Disney Adventures, a magazine the size of an Archie's Digest. These went on sale from 1990 to 2007. Seventeen years of goodness. I remember getting a few from some random person my parents met. Just a random few magazines. It was weird. I don't remember it showing up but then again in Newfoundland grocery stores where these Magazines would show up they would probably be bought out before my family got there. They probably got 5 whole copies and that's why I never saw them. Anyway, one of those issues must have been issue 49 which shows Donald Duck about to be eaten by a T-Rex. It would have been the image you would have seen at the top if people CARED ABOUT THINGS and not MAKING MONEY ON THE INTERNET. Disney Adventures had articles about Disney stuff and all kinds of other stuff. It was kid based and was pretty neat. People like Marv Wolfman and Matt Groening worked on the magazine. Heidi MacDonald a person the conservative comicsgate group hates worked on Disney Adventures and that makes her a FLAWLESS ANGEL of a human being and BETTER THAN COMICSGATE. I like talking about things Portnoyd knows nothing about and doesn't care about. It's fun.
Anyway, this as I said before was a five part story. A crossover story! The best crossover ever. Avengers Endgame got nothing on this! It was called The Legend of the Chaos God and was written by Bobbi JG Weiss. Bobbi was born on December 25th, 1960 (Christmas Day!!!!) . She wrote for Disney comics, Nickelodeon chapter books. Also Sabrina The Teenage Witch books. What I'm saying is I've never met this woman but I already think she's cool as hell. I hope your upcoming 65th Birthdaymas is a good one, Bobbi! Cosme Quartieri was the Argentinean man who drew these comic book issues. He has a very short page on the DC Fandom Wikia which says he died in 1950. I do not think that is true because it's very difficult to draw several comics if you have been dead decades before they came out. If the IMDB page is the same guy he worked on ABC Weekend Specials and one of those Precious Moments (you know those ugly ass dolls that every woman over the age of 60 owned 100 of in the 1990s? Yeah he worked on a special with them in it apparently) Christmas specials. He did a good job capturing the look of these characters in these comics and I would like to see his Animaniacs and Looney Tunes comics. The Precious Moments shit though, get that outta my face. (sorry Cosme)
The first part of this story, I already talked about once before but I will do it again. I had planned on talking about each story but then another thing popped into my head and I was like OH MY GOD I NEED TO SPEND THE NEXT HOUR TALKING ABOUT WHAT THE? #6. I want to know if portnoyd even remembers What The?. I might be the only person who does. Anyway this part of the story involves the TaleSpin characters. Baloo, Molly and Kit are flying around in the Sea Duck. They are going to an island to meet Professor Potshed and bring his artifacts back to the mainland. However the Sea Pirates and Don Karnage want those artifacts. They pull out a giant net to take the artifacts but thats before Baloo just drives head first into the artifacts. We see a crystal and that thing that keeps a Crystal on a necklace fall into different parts. This will be VERY BAD NEWS for the rest of the Disney Afternoon.
They get back to the house and the Mom Bear Lady is being her USUAL SHITHEAD SELF and yelling and screaming about everything. Take a fuckin valium lady! Anyway she opens up the sugar barrel thing that had the EVIL JEWEL in it. She is forced to put it on. I guess that other thing wasn't a necklace but something else. I dunno. Anyway she is now possessed by SOLEGO THE CHAOS GOD. Solego wants nothing more than to return to this earth! Mom Bear Lady takes over the Sea Duck and flies it away but not before Baloo gets a rope attached. Baloo, Molly and Kit are all there. Solego is forcing her to shake them off. Molly starts to fall but Kit uses his cool uh flying thing and saves her. Also Solego wants the Setting the Jewel goes into so he can be freed. Anyway Kit and Molly fly around haphazardly because Kit isn't used to having two people on the flying thing. Baloo gets the door to the plane open and Molly then runs to Mom Bear Lady and knocks the necklace off. They end up throwing the Necklace away in the ocean.
Now it's Part 2 with our favorite group of chipmunks and mice. The Rescue Rangers. Two dog creatures are fishing and well one of the Fish just happens to have the Jewel within it. The jewel then takes over the mind of the dog that happens to look like Djion from DuckTales. I like Djion he was a funny little guy. Anyway he is forced to bring the Jewel to the local museum. Now we go to the Rescue Rangers having a stakeout at the museum waiting for Fat Cat and his gang to come and steal the Golden Setting for the Jewel. They cause the water to come out of the fire esquisting pipe things. I don't know what things are called. I do this for free! This causes the Guards (with the Jewel) to come in. Fat Cat gets possessed for like half a second, then Gadget. They save Gadget but while she's explaining things Dale gets possessed. Dale chases after Fat Cat to get the Setting. Fat Cat runs up the Dinosaur skeleton and it well falls down. Before Dale or anyone else can get it Meeps, the Cat that works with Fat Cat. You know the one that looks very tired or high on some kind of substance. Yeah that one. Did they ever use that name in the cartoon?
Dale and Meeps get stuck in a old Greek machine that was used to move water around. Meeps comes out first and then Mole (very original name) steals the Setting. He throws it at Fat Cat who has gotten up from below the fallen Dinosaur. Mole knocks the Jewel off Dale's back and it lands on Fat Cat and just as Solego Cat is about to put both pieces back together he gets electrocuted by a Van De Graff Lighting Generator. See You learn things from reading this comic book! I mean if you were interested enough in finding out what these things were but I'm sure some questions were asked. The Rescue Rangers give the two pieces to two crows and tell them to drop them far away from each other, sadly. This won't stop Selgo! We still got three more parts of this story!
Now we get to the issue of the story that I had. The one and only part I ever had as a child. The part with Goof Troop. So, the Jewel gets dropped by a crow in Spoonerville. Pete bought a new fancy robotic computer car. Can you put two and two together. If yes, then you'll realize that this is just like the 1977 horror classic The Car except it has Goofy in it. The Car with Solego's Jewel already in it gets brought to Pete. Pete is trying to butter up his wife Peg so he can keep the car. Goofy is trying to tell him there's something wrong with the car. Imagine all life in your world depending on Goofy. It's looking pretty bad for earth right now! Pete and Peg come back and it turns to Nighttime. Goofy is watching Darkwing Duck apparently and the channels are being changed on him. It's THE CAR.
Well, it's actually Solego's Jewel looking for the Setting. He is the one using a wire to change the channels. He finds out that it's in Duckburg, but Goofy finds out that The Car is now alive! Goofy gets Pete to come out just to be grabbed by arms used to clean the Car but now are being used to grab Pete and get his car key. However they get away and talk to each other about what to do. They end up trying to do the things you do in monster movies, like silver bullets or staking a vampire. The stake tdoes not work and Solego shoves both of them into the Car. Pete gives up and puts in the key. They are being brought out of town and Solego wants no company. Before he can remove them though, Goofy grabs the steering wheel and drives it halfway off a cliff. Pete and Goofy get out before Solego's Car falls down over the cliff. However he does dial Floyd of Floyd's Car Shop and well...........You know it's DuckTales time next!
Floyd drove the broken and bruised car to Duckburg. Scrooge is yelling at Fenton that he didn't do any thing and not to pay for the car. Floyd however is so tired he just walks off to get a hotel. I guess he'll come back later to argue with Scrooge. You know you want to be at your best when you argue with Scrooge McDuck over money. Cheap Scottish bastard. However Solego starts saying help help and being a good fella Fenton Crackshell opens up the hood just to be possessed by the Jewel. That's right, he now POSSESSES GIZMODUCK! Fenton then yells the Gizmoduck words BLATHERING BLATHERSKITE. Solego throws Fenton out of there and drives off. He then breaks the SHIT out of the Money Bin. Which sends out like a fuckin shit ton of police officers. He drives off realizing the Medallion is not there. They then realize they can talk to Professor Potshed. However they don't get him but his son. Sonshed then decides to tell them the origin of Solego. Who was an immortal that was a huge douchebag and ruled over people. He was captured within that Jewel by a man named D'Shane. I'm going to pretend that D'Shane is Djions great great great great great great great great great great great great great great not so great great great great great great great great great GREAT grandpa. Sonshed then says it should stay in his money bin, however Scrooge says it's at his Jewel cleaners in.......St. Canard. He calls S.H.U.S.H. headquarters so that they can get help from............. DARKWING DUCK.
Tad Stones is all like Darkwing Duck and DuckTales are totally NOT in the same universe. Even if Darkwing Duck has Gizmoduck and Launchpad. Sorry Tad, I love ya and your name is still the coolest, but this comic shows that all of the Disney Afternoon seems to take place in the same universe. We open up in S.H.U.S.H. HQ where the little goose man? Is talking to Darkwing Duck. Darkwing Duck is thinking of all kinds of amazing things he might have to do for Scrooge McDuck but the old guys like nah it's just picking up a necklace from the Jewelers. At this moment Fenton comes in freaking out yelling the entire story of the Demonic Solego. We then see GizmoSolego threatening a Jeweler. That's before Darkwing Duck shows up. However he's not very good at stopping Solego who finally puts the Jewel and the Setting together. Oh shit people, The Chaos God is back!
Fenton runs off and Solego starts turning everything he can into members of his black army. Bicycles start chasing people. Even trash cans. Solego then turns the two lions at the St. Canard Library or some Place to life and they well they want to eat Darkwing Duck. Gizmoduck takes quick work of them but Solego just BLOWS GIZMODUCK THE FUCK UP SENDING FENTON FLYING AWAY. he then turns Launchpad into Chopped Liver. Darkwing Duck just runs off until they are on the roof of a building. Darkwing jumps away when Solego shoots his magic it hits the satelite which I guess was mirrored and it hits Solego which turns him back into the Jewel and setting. Solego's own power did him in Sonshed says in J. Gander Hooter (great name for a charcter)'s office. They then put the setting and jewel back in to the Jade Block it was found in, put it in a safe, and bury that safe within Scrooge McDuck's Money Bin, where it will never see the light of day again. GET FUCKED CHAOS GOD, YOU CAN'T STOP THE DISNEY AFTERNOON BITCH.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I loved the Disney Afternoon shows more than most of the Disney movies. They are my favorite thing related to the old MICKEY MOUSE CLUB. This was a fun story with all kinds of action and adventure. Each part felt different but moved the story along. It was pretty amusing and really fun to read. Fuddnoyd will be a nuicanse about it but I liked this story and I think it's a pretty good candidate for 100th Comic Review. I certainly enjoyed it more than I would have enjoyed Civil War, that's because Mark Millar sucks ass and might be the worst comics person ever. Bobbi JG Weiss is way, way cooler. Claw Bunny will one day defeat the Fuddnoyd forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment