Let’s Review Every Adult Swim Show Part III of Whatever

 

You can tell I’m having fun with this because the last three posts have been about it. That is true but I just want to get through one show that I know I do not like and a few others I feel I won’t like because it’s better to get that band aid off right now than waiting. It has to happen once I said I’d review all the shows so that’s what I gotta do. I get the feeling I will be bitching about these four shows. Actually five because a certain duo had two shows and I want that shit out of here.

1.) Mister Pickles

This show falls under a kind of comedy I like to refer to as Uncomfortable Comedy where everything is just as uncomfortable as possible. Throw in everything to make people feel gross and uncomfortable. This I’m sure can work but I have to admit I am not a fan. At least I’m not a fan of how its done in this show. It’s just uncomfortable moments without you know the comedy. This show is about a murderous satanic dog named Mister Pickles and the adventures he gets on with his boy Tommy. I also do not like the art style or the character designs one bit. I’m sorry to any fans out there (this show lasted a decent amount of time) but I’m left cold by it and I just don’t get it.

2.) Superjail!

Oh cool. Another show thats just incredible violence and it’s played as a punchline. The only joke is WOW THEY SURE DID KILL THOSE PEOPLE VIOLENTLY HYUCK! actually thats unfair they do have a second joke that they stole from 1967 of a really muscular lady who might just be a man!!!!!!!! Woah!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!! This show involves a Weirdo Willy Wonka type that runs a prison thats under the ocean and also above a volcano. The great, comedic, and intelligently written character of Alice is the joke from 1967 of the MUSCLAR LADY THATS PROBABLY A DUDE! I love jokes that they should have let die 35 years ago!!! And no thats not sarcasm! No one’s ever thought of that clever joke before!!!!!!!! I hope the people who wrote this show got extra bonuses for being so clever!!!! If you couldn’t tell I do not want to ever see this show again then you should go buy a fucking pair of reading glasses.

3. Mongo Wrestling Alliance

This show wasn’t very good but it had an interesting concept of a really dumb wrestler wanting to turn pro to avenge his Grandfathers defeat by Billy West (I don’t know the actual characters name and I don’t care enough to look it up). I didn’t think it was very funny and I was really wondering if the guys Macho Man Randy Savage was supposed to be that bad. Sometimes he sounds like him and sometimes he doesn’t. I don’t like it. Anyway Instead of this I’m going to talk about something cooler. Did you know that in the 1980s AND the 2000s that the M.U.S.C.L.E. figures had their own animes? I haven’t seen anything from the 80s one and very little from the 2000s one but I can tell you that they are both going to be more fun to watch then this. Maybe if I really got into wrestling there’d be more for me to like with this but I am not a fan and don’t like it. Sadly this means portnoyd and I agree.

4.) Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job

I could live to the end of the god damned galaxy and I would never understand anti-comedy and what makes it funny. No let’s rephrase that. I could live to the end of the fucking universe which is composed of many galaxies and STILL not understand this. Is it because its awkward and terrible that it’s supposed to be funny because GOD DAMN SHIT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK THAT WAY. I wanted to stick to animation so I could keep this show as far away as possible but I just figured it would be better to rip off the bandage right now and I just don’t fucking get this. At all. I really seriously do not understand it. I’ve seen enough of these two idiots to know that I don’t like them but I still have to talk about two other fucking shows they made. I do not get it. I DO NOT FUCKING GET IT. Port I believe once said it was a great parody of public access TV. Let me tell port two things. We had one public access TV channel in Newfoundland that showed rowing competitions, a show about the fishery and fucking hockey games. I never watched the fucking channel. Ever. Even if it was a normal public access channel I’m still sure I would find this god damned fucking horse shit baffling as hell. I seriously hate this fucking show and Tim and Eric’s stupid worthless faces. I hate them. So much. This show is down there with Friends and The Big Bang Theory in terms of comedy that I do not understand. At least I will give Tim and Eric Fuck off, The Name of Your Show is Also Stupid this. They put more effort into these anti-comedy sketches of LOL WE AREN’T FUNNY THATS THE JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! than any joke in The Big Bang Theory, which made the most offensive joke of all time. One character said that he wished Alf would bring him to Melmac when he was a kid WHICH CANT HAPPEN BECAUSE THE DAMN PLANET BLEW UP. That joke seriously annoys me every time I remember it. As much as it may seem Tim and Eric just baffle me. The Big Bang Theory literally irratates me because the fucking show was made in 2007 and they could HAVE FUCKING LOOKED IT UP AND REALIZED THEIR JOKE WAS FUCKING SHIT. I don’t know why I went on a mini rant there but I did. Anyway I am not looking forward to Tim and Eric Bedtime Stories or Tom Goes to Mayor. I really am not. I am also not caring enough to italicize those two names because fucking hell I have more important things to do. Like any thing else.

All of these shows were pretty bad If I had to rank them from best to worst it would be

1. Black Dynamite
2. Frisky Dingo
3. Xavier Renegade Angel
4. 12 OZ. Mouse
5. Lucy the Daughter of the Devil
6. Mongo Wrestling Alliance
7. Minoriteam
8. Tigtone
9. Assy McGee
10. Superjail!
11. Mr Pickles
12. Tim and Eric Whatever the Fuck Shut Up Tim Heidkercher is fucking the satan of comedy fuck you portnoyd.

Reviewing Every Adult Swim Show to Piss Off Portnoyd Because He Sucks. Part Two of Whatever

 

Well, I had a lot of fun watching the first group of shows that I said, screw it! Let’s talk about another four shows and hopefully have a good time doing so! This time I am talking about a few shows portnoyd doesn’t like or one he does like. I forget the list of shows he mentioned because I’m forgetful sometimes. I think one of these shows he didn’t like. I hope I like it just to spite him. Jerk. Anyway our shows today come from later adult swim, again none I’ve seen before. I have seen very little Adult Swim. Also doesn’t it feel weird to capitalize the first two letters in their name? It does to me. What do you mean you can tell I’m trying to make this paragraph look longer and I should just get into discussing the damn shows.

1.) Frisky Dingo

The second show from the guys who created Archer. Which is a show I have not seen. Anyway I really enjoyed Sealab 2021 and yes I’ll talk about it in more detail later. This was the show they made in between Sealab and Archer and it’s absolutely hilarious. I’ve only seen two episodes and I know that I need to see the rest. What a fun entertaining show this is. Anyway it’s about a super villain named Killface that wants to destroy the earth and a dumb arrogant dickhead superhero named Awesome X who has to stop him. It’s a fucking hoot. I laughed out loud several times and that’s always a good sign. I also love how they came up with the name. The original name was Whisky Tango and then became Whisky Tango Six after they found out a band had the name Whisky Tango. When Whisky Tango Six wasn’t different enough to avoid a lawsuit they just said TO HELL WITH THIS WE WILL CALL IT FRISKY DINGO because who the hell else would name anything that?

2.) Minoriteam

I think I shall have to start with the positives here. I really like a lot of the character designs here. I also of course love the Jack Kirby inspired art. So I don’t believe this show has zero going for it. However well let’s just say doing politically incorrect comedy well is tough. I’m not going to lie and say I never laughed at Family Guy or South Park or Blazing Saddles but I believe those things have something to say behind the politically incorrect comedy or are so over the top absurd that its amusing. This doesn’t really have much to say behind the comedy in my mind OR is it over the top absurd. It’s just uh not very good. Also a lot of the jokes just feel forced. Very forced. I did laugh 3 times though so I will have to put it over Assy McGee. One laugh when Racist Frankenstein said one of the bad guys was gay because he wouldnt join in on their really dumb plan. One time when the bad guy of the other episode I watched gets kicked in the balls and goes “Oh you just broke up Simon and Garfunkel!” Oh and the joke that starts every episode FULLY COLORED instead of like IN TECHNICOLOR. I actually didn’t really laugh at it but I cannot get angry about a reference to Technicolor. I love TECHNICOLOR.

3. Black Dynamite

Speaking of things that actually do comedy that is out there and probably not the most PC but actually does it well is Black Dynamite the 2009 movie which was a parody of old 1970s blaxploitation films. I felt that this series or at least the episodes I watched did a good job of keeping the humour from that movie around. I think my favorite episode was the one with Bill Cosby, but that’s not completely fair because you could have someone doing a Bill Cosby impression and I will start laughing. I cannot stop myself. You could tell me the most serious stuff in the history of the world about yourself but if someone doing a Bill Cosby impression is around you doing it I will crack the fuck up. Filth Flarn Filth! Anyway if you enjoyed the movie you should check this show out. It’s got like jokes about every single famous black person from like before the year 1990 in it. It’s amazing. I think this might be my favorite show of the lot.

4. Tigtone

Yes! I get to do a thing I love which is dropping down my pants and shitting out a gross turd on something port loves. Well not exactly shitting on it just not really getting it at all and thinking it was pretty poor. Still I cannot say no to that! I still get to annoy portnoyd very much with this opinion. This show is now probably my least favorite as I do not think I laughed once. I also do not like the art style or animation in the slightest. It just feels gross and off. I am not a fan. This show is a parody of the old Barbarian fantasy stories. You know like Conan the Barbarian or Deathstalker. I like that stuff but I just didn’t find this show funny in the least. A failure. I’d rather just read some Conan the Barbarian comics or watch Deathstalker II instead. I finally get to rub at least some dirt in portnoyds eyes so that’s a good thing.

Well that was fun. I’ll try to keep this up and going from least favorite to favorite the shows I’ve watched just far would be ranked like this. Tigtone, Assy McGee, Minoriteam, Lucy the Daughter of the Devil, 12 Oz Mouse, Xavier Renegade Angel, Frisky Dingo and Black Dynamite. I would say that I’m willing to more of Lucy the Daugther of the Devil (I want to see if it improves) and above. The last three can go eat a sweaty dirty ass covered in piss.

Reviewing Every Single Original Adult Swim Show To Annoy Portnoyd Because He Sucks.

 

Adult Swim. It’s 22 years old now and theres history even before the name or block that dates back to the nineties so I guess it’s time to discuss them on my nostalgia blog. So Cartoon Network pretty much started in 1992 when Ted Turner pretty much bought Hanna Barbera and then the licensing to Looney Tunes and Popeye and just about everything that was a cartoon and made before 1970 (that wasn’t Disney). At least I believe most of this stuff showed up there because I never had Cartoon Network but I definitely would have loved it.

Anyway some fancy hot shot working there was all like NO I WANT TO DO MORE THAN FIND A PLACE ON THE SCHEDULE FOR Partridge Family 2200 AD and well that fancy hot shot went on to make a very low budget program called Space Ghost Coast to Coast. It did well enough for them to create The Brak Show and on and on until they had enough money and clout to start up an entire block of shows that aired after midnight for the delight of manchildren, insomniacs and the perpetually stoned!

I’m doing this for two reasons. I’ve always been intrigued by Adult Swim but never watching a good amount of their programming. The second reason is there’s a big goober named portnoyd that I think has terrible and dumb opinions that suck so I’m going to at least get to poop on some of these shows that he likes. It will be glorious and a lot of fun! I cannot wait for his angry comments when I piss all over some dumb show he vigorously masturbates too all the time like a lunatic.

Anyway I plan to discuss four shows at a time because I dunno that makes the most sense to me. I will pick just any old random shows and probably start with the stuff I haven’t seen before. I’ll watch an episode or two and tell you if I think it’s good and I plan to view more or the show is asshole soup that portnoyd probably loves. Let’s start with this!

1.) Assy McGee

I think I went with this show first because I’ve heard about it so much. It felt like it was something that could have either been weirdly hilarious or kind of amazingly bad. Sadly it was neither. Some of my favorite comedy is just people taking the goofiest shit so dead pan seriously. Like Leslie Neilsen, however his movies usually had more than one joke. AND he could play wacky if need be. This show seems to have one joke and thats LOL THE POLICE OFFICER IS A PAIR OF ASS CHEEKS LOL I PEED MY PANTS SO FUNNY! and they repeat that joke over and over and don’t even do anything very good with their one joke. It’s pretty sad. However I did laugh at the scene in the episode I watched (episode 2 the Flirty Black Man which was a painting and not an actual Flirty Black Man which made me feel like I was being duped! I wanted an actual Flirty Black Man damnit!) where Assy has a five a clock shadow of a beard on his ass. I don’t know why but that tickled my funny bone. However nothing else did so I did not bother watching another episode. I also did not like the animation style at all. Sorry, Assy!

2. 12 Oz Mouse

I didn’t expect to like this at all and uh I kinda did. I don’t know what to think of it fully except for complete absurdist nonsense but I did laugh several times watching this mouse commit crimes and force rectangles to make pornographic films with dolls. It’s very random and hyper and I can see why people don’t like it but I cannot deny that I was amused and really have very little else to say about it except that I was actually entertained. It was created by one of the two Aqua Teen Hunger Force guys and is not as entertaining as that show but it was a mostly fun eleven minutes of weird shit.

3. Xavier: Renegade Angel

Man I wanted to dislike this show so I could trash it and make portnoyd mad. This show really sounds like it could come on after Xena Warrior Princess in the 1990s. I could see it as a cheesy live action syndicated show. It however like 98% of Adult Swim shows is weird as fucking shit comedy made by people off their meds. However it’s pretty good weird as fucking shit comedy made by people off their meds. This is a bizarre show. Xavier is some kind of freaking creature on a spirit quest who gets into weird fucking adventures. All I know is that I’m willing to watch the next nineteen episodes and actually probably be really sad that they only made twenty of them. So long Chompsky Honks!

4. Lucy – Daughter of the Devil

I was quite disappointed by this show. I really like Loren Bourchard’s work in other shows like Bob’s Burgers and Home Movies but this just didn’t quite get me wanting to see any more episodes. I really liked the concept too and more H. Jon Benjamin is always a good thing but I just didn’t think it was very funny. Probably not fair to completely judge it on one episode and I’m willing to go for more episodes. The fact a lot of the characters look like weird Fisher-Price knock offs does not help the show. Anyway I guess I’ll put this in the “I’ll watch more when I’ve done watching all of the really good shows” and it will rate above Assy McGee.

That’s it for now. If I were to rate the shows from best to worst I would go Xavier Renegade Angel, 12 Oz. Mouse, Lucy, Daughter of the Devil and at the bottom Assy McGee because that show was assy LOL GET MY GREAT COMEDY HO HO!

The Final Episode #112: Goof Troop (1992)

                         

Well it’s time to go back to the well of the Disney Afternoon. It’s something I’ve gone back to many times because well of a few reasons. It’s always fun to talk about the shows made by Disney regardless of how good they are. The second reason is that The Disney Afternoon was something I would watch the hell out of. Or at least watch the shows ON the Disney Afternoon a lot. DuckTales, Darkwing Duck and Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers being my favourites. I watched all of the Disney Afternoon shows, even Quack Pack and Mighty Ducks. The stuff no one cared about!

So let’s get into the history of Goofy! He first appeared in a Mickey Mouse cartoon all the way back in 1932. That’s right ninety one years! Originally called Dippy Dawg. He was created by Walt Disney, Wilfred Jackson, and Tom Palmer. Art Babbitt came in and helped develop the character further. Pretty much turning him into a goofy hick. Goofy then got a series of cartoons in 1939. These changed a bit in the 1950s where Goofy was given a red headed child and I guess that’s what inspired the creator of Goof Troop, Michael Peraza, Jr, A Cuban-American animator.

The premise of the show had Goofy returning to his home town Spoonerville with his cool early 90s son Max (voiced by Dana Hill who voiced a LOT of cartoons and was the second Audrey Griswald in National Lampoon’s European Vacation a movie that I like regardless of what many others say. It’s fun!!) and meeting up with Pete, you know the big scary dog guy from the old Mickey Mouse cartoons. Yeah he’s now a used car salesman and has a family. Peg, Pistol and PJ. These characters would have a series of pretty wild adventures. One involved a dragon like creature!

One thing I must talk about is how great the theme song is. It is very 1990s. It even has a smooth black man voice in it. Think Barry White. It is very smooth. It goes YEAH at the end in only a way that a smooth black man could. They are very good at making any word cool as hell with their voice. I wish I had a smooth black man voice. Anyway, the show lasted for one year with one syndicated season and one season on ABC. It lasted from September 5th to December 5th, 1992. It lasted for a few years until something like Gargoyles took its place. In 1995 they made a fantastic movie called A Goofy Movie which was like one of the few good things Pauly Shore ever made.

So now that we know about Goofy, and we know about the show, we are going to get into The Final Episode of this series! It’s called “Clan of the Cave Goof” you know after that novel “Clan of the Cave Bear” that had a movie with Darryl Hannah in it. I miss that lady. She was really great in movies and I wish she’d come back to the movie screen. Enough about things and people I miss we need to go and discuss this Final Episode. Anyway apparenly (because I remember watching this show a lot and I do not remember these episodes) there would be episodes that took on the history of the Goof Family. They did episodes on Robin Hood, Sherlock Holmes, Elliott Ness (this means Batman AND Goofy were both Elliott Ness at one point. How cool is that?) and yes there was an episode where they were Cavemen! One that made me want to check out the other history episodes because they couldn’t have been as bad as this one.

Yep, this is another Final Episode that ends the show on a sour note because the episode is not very good. I never expected so many Final Episodes just be either blah to absolutely terrible. This is better than a clip show (except the Webster clip show. That one is amazing.) but not by much. It starts off with Goofy creating a machine that opens up the soda whenever he pets his cat Waffles. So then Max comes home and Goofy reminds him of the dentist appointment he has. Max complains and then Goofy brings out the Goofy Family photo album! I like the fact that they have a picture of Caveman Goof.

Caveman Goof is apparently an inventor, just having invented the Boomerang which he throws into Chief Pete’s cave hut. Pete fixes the Boomerang and throws it screaming IT WONT COME BACK NOW and it does. I also had a Boomerang as a child and I could NEVER get the thing to work. I get the feeling the Boomerang was faulty. Or I was just really bad at or. Hell let’s just go in the middle and say it was both. Now we go to Chief Pete’s cave hut and we see Peg’s ancestor. Also is it just weird that you always find a person that looks just like your wife all over time? Wouldn’t that mean they were related somehow? I don’t know why I brought that up.

So she brings up fire and Chief Pete pretty much forces Caveman Goof to come up with fire. By threat of being eaten by the one and only meat eating Brontosaurus ever! He tells him about the Cave of Knowledge and Goofy goes to find it. Which he does after some goofy like antics. He finds out that the keeper of the Cave of Knowledge is Pistol’s historical counterpart. Weird how shes not Pete and Peg’s daughter in this version but whatever. I’m thinking way too much over this episode. Anyway she gives him a book about making Fire and then we get a voice over about how to create fire like in those old How-To Goofy shorts. Sadly these scenes were not as funny as those old cartoons but hey I like that they referenced them.

After the How-To scenes happen, Goofy goes back to the Cave of Knowledge and he is sick and tired and Pistol gives him a nice bowl of Chicken Soup. He puts tons of pepper in it and then he gets fire breath. He sets fire to the table and viola, he now invented fire. Which he brings to Chief Pete. You now might be asking your asking yourself “What in the fuck does this have to do with going to the dentist”. You’ll see. You get the idea that two guys on the writing team had two ideas that worked for 11 minutes each and then went what the hell why don’t we just mush these two together. We gotta get seventy eight of these things out in one year! Just remember no matter what the TV show is, one episode had to be the clear winner for the worst and I think for Goof Troop this just might be it.

So Peg starts cooking like a lunatic. Cakes and pies and all kinds of sweets. Chief Pete eats every one of them and gets a toothache. He goes to the dentist and is scared away because he thought the watering tool for plants was actually a drill. He then goes to Caveman Goof to get him to help. They do a bunch of stuff that just flew right out of my head the second I saw them. It ends with Caveman Goof making a wheel for a cart so that Pete can have his tooth pulled by putting rope around the tooth and then around a tree. It doesn’t work and he’s right back at the dentist. Yes I know I skipped over stuff but you try to make this D- material into a workable blog post.

We then go back to 1992 when Max is all amped up to go to the dentist now and Goofy is like “We should ask the Dentist to see me. I think I drank too much sodey pop” as he holds his face. Wah wah music does not play but really should have.

FINAL VERDICT: This was a pretty dull Final Episode. I also watched another better episode from the ABC season that appeared on Saturday Morning called Pistolgeist and it was much better. Funnier, better paced, and would have made for a fun discussion as a Final Episode. Another weird point is that Darkwing Duck also ended as a story in caveman times. That episode wasn’t amazing but it was certainly better than this one. This just felt like the writers going “Oh shit all the scripts are due this week and we clearly do not have any ideas left” I would actually like to sit down and watch those other History Goof episodes and see if they had some kind of weird moral to tell kids of today and if it was done a lot better. I really enjoyed this show as a kid and wish it had ended on a higher note.

Comic Review #84: What If (Vol. 2) #4

                                                            

Well well well. It seems I’ve moved my blog from blogspot to wordpress. Blogspot was fine but honestly wordpress looks nice and feels good so far. Who knows maybe I’ll get angry at wordpress and move back. I don’t know but I figured I should at least mention the fact that we are now a wordpress blog with a nicer name! Similar but nicer! Anyway, that’s enough discussion on our move and now we have to talk about something very important!

So, we all know Superhero movies are probably not ending any time soon despite what anti-woke youtubers would want you to believe. Or what I would want to happen. I would like for them to go away for a long time and become something special again, not one of the few things you can see on movies and TV. However I don’t get what I want when other people are willing to pay a shitload of money to studios for this. If I were given a genie I would wish for nerd culture to be a small thing that wasn’t mainstream again. None of the content was worth not being able to enjoy my collecting hobbies at all anymore.

Anyway, enough of my bitching. I find it funny, no hilarious that I just stop caring about live action Superhero media, pretty much around the time they start doing multiverse stuff. Yeah I thought Dr. Strange Multiverse of Madness was fun and it was neat seeing Wilem Dafoe as the Green Goblin again (even if that movie wasn’t as great as others say but then again I don’t really like the MCU Spider-Man all that much). The thing is I fucking LOVE mutlitverse stuff. I love Elseworlds. There’s one where Batman teams up with Harry Houdini and they fight Vampires! If you don’t think that is cool you can just leave this blog right now and go fuck a goat or something. I also love What If?

What If? started all the way back in 1977. Thanks to a man called Roy Thomas. He brought the idea of multiverses to Marvel really. It was mostly a DC thing until What If? The idea of What If? would be to take a famous story or character from Marvel’s history and ask….WHAT IF? Like for example What If Rick Jones Had Become the Hulk? which was one of the first What If comics made. Anyway the series lasted until 1984 and ended after forty seven issues. I personally very much enjoy What If volume one but I enjoy What If in any of its forms. This stuff will always be a lot of fun to me. Let me put it this way you either think Peter Porker the Spectacular Spider Ham (yes I will be reviewing an issue of that series too) is amazing or you are a big wiener who takes stories about people in spandex punching other people in spandex way too seriously. This stuff is supposed to be fun.

So in 1988 Marvel published a one shot What If comic involving Iron Man. It did well enough that they started a new volume for the series the following year. Roy Thomas came back to Marvel and wrote the first issue, which was fucking wild. It was something you need to read if you enjoy this stuff. The second series of What If? ended in 1998 after one hundred and fourteen issues. Marvel keeps bringing it back every few years for a few issues but there hasn’t been a new volume of What If since 1998, which I think is really sad.

I remember reading this issue as a kid, one of the three What If comics I had (one of them was the Spider-Girl issue! Now worth way more than I can afford right now or probably ever because of speculators.) and it blew the FUCK out of my mind. So let’s give this issue another look at because I haven’t seen read it in like twenty or more years. So I just gave the issue a re-read and damn if it isn’t as cool as it was when I was ten! How does the issue start? Well it starts the way any What If comic should with the Watcher telling us how it all worked out in the 616 Marvel Universe, you know the one that’s been going on since 1961 with the first appearance of the Fantastic Four.

The original story was that Spider-Man was given a new suit within the story Secret Wars from 1984. He comes back to New York City after the Secret Wars. Just to find out that it’s real! That he needs to get the help of the Fantastic Four. They get the symbiote off him and send him home with only a paper bag on his head. Very amusing stuff. Anyway the symbiote comes back but is finally removed from him thanks to the ringing bells of a church. A guy was also in the church. A guy with the name of Eddie Brock! That’s how Venom came to life! Now you know how the story went in the original Marvel Universe.

Now this is a pretty dark story. Then again most What If?s ended up being pretty dark. Still it’s incredibly action packed and a real ride. This time the symbiote is a lot stronger and Spider-Man is feeling bad after a lot less time and Mr Fantastic of the Fantastic Four is not available to help him. Only Dr. Curt Conners (the Lizard) is there to tell him the news. Anyway when Mr. Fantastic finally comes back it’s too late as the symbiote has now taken over Spider-Man.

They keep the symbiote in a fancy comic book prison thing, well they do until he escapes. Here’s where it gets crazy. The symbiote gives up on Spider-Man and take over the Hulk. Spider Man’s body is found and now he’s in his eighties. He’s an old ass fucking man! He goes to see Aunt May one last time in a really sad scene. Mary Jane is there and wonders if Peter has finally met his end thanks to one of Spider-Man enemies. We then go back to the Fantastic Four headquarters just to find out that Spider-Man had died but not before he figured out a way to track the alien and a gun to kill it.

We go to Spider-Man’s funeral and at the end of it, a surprise guest shows up. Wilson Fisk! That’ right the Kingpin. He and The Black Cat get to talking and well you’ll see how that works out soon enough. So just about everyone in the Marvel Universe goes to fight The Hulk who is now Venomized. They get the symbiote off The Hulk and he’s now Bruce Banner. The symbiote has now taken over someone else. Someone who is as strong as the Hulk, it’s Thor!

The Thor-Symbiote goes into a cave to bond completely. The Human Torch and Captain Marvel go in after him and are beaten back. However they finally bring in mother fucking Black Bolt and you know what he does. He Blows up the fucking mountain which also happened to be Mount Fucking Rushmore. That’s right, this comic blows the fuck out of Abraham Lincoln’s rock face. It’s fucking wild. The symbiote is not in good shape and Dr. Strange is about to send it to another dimension and POW, The Black Cat has come back and blew that fucking piece of space shit right up! It’s not coming back! She condemns them for thinking it could ever bee redeemed and walks off. It’s told to us that she gave up everything to do this and has to work with the Kingpin as a criminal for the rest of her life. Dark shit.

I loved this issue. It had great art. It told a dark ass story but never got too grim with it. It had just about everyone in the Marvel Universe show up for a panel in it, except like Captain America or Iron Man. It flowed from one scene to another very well. The only problem is a weird contunity one that might bother some people. The Symbiotes are weak to fire and the Human TOrch should have been able to do something but I guess in this Marvel Universe that the symbiote isn’t weak to Fire. Anyway if the Torch had taken it out we wouldnt have had that cool as hell scene where Mount Rushmore gets blown the fuck up.

I think it’s time to talk about a Elseworlds again now. I just have to find the right one.

Comic Review #83: Maximum Carnage (1993)

 

I talked about this comic series in the last Final Episode post about Monster By Mistake. I mentioned how I talked about this series for one paragraph when I would just do one paragraph review of comics. I do feel that I should re-do all of those reviews and get into the nitty gritty of what was good and bad about those stories. That was also the first time I ever read the series and I did it due to having scans on the internet because whenever these issues show up they are way too expensive for me. I am not paying anything over 3 dollars for these issues because their are so many copies of each one of them. That brings down the price. Plus the fact that I did not really like reading the story. Yes, I do still want to own the series because I would like to have every Spider Man comic ever, but I do not want to spend 140 dollars to own all 14 parts of this series. You'll see why I don't want too.

When I was a kid watching the 1994 Spider-Man series I nearly shit my pants seeing Venom for the first time. This crazy fucking monster man wants to kill Spider-Man?!? Was he in the comics too I asked myself! I found that yes he was. Except it was incredibly popular at the time and every single issue he was in was worth more than my little nine year old self could buy! Way too much! I pretty much have all of them now. At least the appearances in Amazing Spider-Man, but still none of the Venom Lethal Protector thing. It's like Maximum Carnage here. I don't want to spend the wild ass prices people want for these comics that are not as rare as they think. I'm a cheap jerk I guess.

Anyway for some ungodly reason this is a big story. It was 14 parts. It got a SNES and Genesis game (the only good part of this series is the video game. Play that instead) and well I do not like it and I'm going to have to reread the damn thing again. Such an unnecessary and shitty thing I have to do for you JERKS. Just because I was a lazy jerk myself the first time reading this. Anyway the story starts in an all new Spider-Man comic! It's called Spider-Man Unlimited and it was the fifth Spider-Man title. It would be something that would come out every few months instead of monthly. It only lasted for about 20 something issues before being cancelled in 1998. It is not to be connected to the Spider-Man Unlimited cartoon series that I still have to discuss somewhere on this blog. I don't really want too though.

Anyway the story starts with Cletus Kasady, also known as Carnage escaping from Ravencroft. I am a fan of Venom but Carnage could be a bit much at times. I do still enjoy a few stories he was in though. He spends pages pretty much killing as many guards as possible. We then go to the funeral of Harry Osborn, the second Green Goblin. We then see Cletus Kasady help Shriek escape. And they find Doppleganger you know the weird Spider-Man from the Infinity War story. You think Spider Man is just going to end up teaming up with Venom and maybe Black Cat (seeing as she was at the funeral) but nope. All this story is another character joining the team (Deathlok, Captain America, Nightwatch (yes the spawn ripoff guy) Iron Fist, Morbius, Cloak and Dagger (she "dies" in part 2 but comes back later)all show up with Black Cat and Venom and Spider-Man to fight Demogoblin, Carrion, Doppleganger, Carnage, Shriek, and probably someone else I forgot) Somewhere in here a group of people just go nuts because seeing all the horrible brutality drives them mad until Deathlok seriously steals a machine from the Care Bears to blast everyone with Love. I am only somewhat joking with that sentence too!

This story was mostly uninteresting padding and it really went nowhere. This was clearly one of the worst kinda stories. It's not a legit classic. It's not something goofy and weird. It's not  a story anyone telling really gave a shit about. However you do get some pretty damn good art by the guys drawing the Spider-Man titles at the time. Mark Bagley, Alex Saviuk, Tom Lyle and others. The saddest thing is most of these writers HAVE and even STILL DO good stuff. It's just sometimes hard for someone to care about a story. AND THEY DIDNT. You could literally skip 80% of this story and not be lost. That's not a good thing for any fucking story. I'm not even going to lie to you and say that I actually did re-read everything because I didn't. Fuck this story. I'm going to stick with my rating of D- because the art is really nice but other than that I don't like this story and I'm tired of talking about it.

Random Ass Thoughts #4

 Yep, it's time for another bunch of random ass thoughts that no one asked for but I just feel I gotta get them out on paper. This time I have four of them!

1.) Isn't it fun to have complicated feelings on a complicated subject that fans just don't want to have a serious discussion on? Okay, you all kinda know that I love comic books and Marvel Comics and collect a whole hell of a lot of them. Now if you spend time on Facebook you'd see SO many arguments over who did what in the creation of the characters. You got people who think Stan Lee did it all (He didn't) you got guys who think Jack Kirby did it all (He didn't) You got guys who think it was just Kirby and Ditko (they didn't). My feelings on the whole thing? Yeah it's complicated. I believe that Kirby and Ditko did a LOT of the heavy lifting that Stan Lee gets all the credit for but I'm sorry I do not for a second believe that Stan Lee just sat in the Marvel Offices for like 50 fucking years with his thumb up his ass doing nothing but getting a nice prostate massage. I think he might be the most important figure because he was the glue that held it all together in the beginning. Yeah,  One of the things I like about Marvel is that it hasn't been rebooted really and is still a sixty two ongoing year story. I also don't like how these arguments forget about people who were there in the beginning like Don Heck and Dick Ayers who worked on a lot of comic stories and added to the tapestry of the Marvel Story and deserve the respect and credit for that. Oh and all of the people who created big name characters like Wolverine and The Punisher and Iron Fist and Luke Cage. Oh and the people who came before Stan Lee and Jack Kirby like Bill Everett and Carl Burgos with Namor or The Original Human Torch. What I'm saying is that the Marvel Story is a large story that many many human beings put work and effort into telling. It wasn't made by just one person. Sorry if you don't like that.

2.) I kinda hate the whole "JUST CREATE NEW CHARACTERS" a lot of anti-woke people will yell when a character like the 3rd Robin is shown to be bisexual or something. First off, it's not like the easiest thing in this world to create a new character out of nothing and it's also hard to sell new characters because despite people yelling for them they don't sell as well as you'd think! Also would you be like "oh hey Disney/Warner Brothers I have this great amazing idea and I will just give you this for the small amount of money you'll give me in return!"? Hell no you wouldn't. Unless you are like the biggest idiot in the history of this damn world. Also a new character doesn't mean it's automatically good either! at one point Friends was a new idea and that show sucked ass. The biggest point to all of this is when they make fun of the new characters that happen to be gay or black or transgender! It's like they are dishonest shitheads!

3.) I fucking hate facial hair so much. I hate shaving it. I hate having it on me. I hate it.

4.) The Thames Ident is the coolest thing ever. I love it

That's it. Go away now.

The Final Episode #111: Monster By Mistake (1996, 1999-2003)

 

 

I didn't think it would come to this. I didn't think I would end up discussing this show once once let alone twice, but time makes a fool of us all. I recently because I was THAT bored went around and looked at my blog and I do think while my posts are still not very good they are a massive improvement of what I used to do. Seriously in one of my old reviews of Spider-Man comics I gave the series Maximum Carnage one paragraph. I do not like that story but I feel it's enough of an "important" Spider-Man story that it deserves more than one paragraph. I will be discussing that series again sadly because I feel it deserves more of a in depth look.

The Monster By Mistake TV Review was so terrible that I do not think even portnoyd commented on it. He didn't comment to do the stupid tiresome comedic dance we do that he will never let die. It was that bad. Mostly because I clearly was way too angry at a dumb youtuber and his dumb YouTube video. It was on the movie House (1986) a horror comedy. The reviewer didn't like it and yeah maybe I'm just opinionated but I love that movie and it's very special to me, being one of the many things from my childhood I loved. I don't know if I even mentioned why the video made me mad. The biggest reason was the reviewer calling the movie a ripoff of Evil Dead II (1987). I don't even know if it was some kind of weird joke because I thought that entire idea of saying a movie that 1.) came out prior was a ripoff and 2.) the fact the only things the movie have in common are they take place in a house and are horror comedies made me just give up on that You Tuber without even seeing the video.

Yeah I got so worked up over it that I decided to do what I call an honest review of something I didn't like. I really did not like this show but I will get into that. I really do not like that article and the only thing that keeps me from deleting it is that I don't think it's right for weird reasons I don't really want to get into. I dunno but I'm just going to forget it exists.  Anyway it's finally time to get into my hopefully a little bit more improved discussion on the Monster By Mistake CGI cartoon that aired on Television. I hope that I don't make any weird comments that piss off any hardcore Monster By Mistake fans but I cannot deny that this will not be very positive. 

I think that I've mentioned this before but the Canadian Government wants Canadian Television Channels (like in this case YTV) to have a good amount of Canadian Content. It's not my favorite thing because a lot of Canadian content is not great. A lot of it was "Yeah, I think I'm going to throw some toys I have around instead of watching this" kind of TV show. However they were pretty lenient in the past. If an anime (like Dragon Ball Z or Sailor Moon) had a Canadian voice acting cast then you'd be let in and would count as Canadian content. Any cartoon animated by like Nelvana would also count (like Babar, Adventures of Tintin or Care Bears) and we still got a lot of the shows from Cartoon Network (like Dexter's Lab) or Nickelodeon (did you know that Are You Afraid of the Dark? is a co-production between Canada AND America?), plus reruns of all kinds of other stuff. It wasn't as bad as I remember and I really should discuss some more Canadian content because It's all over the place with quality.

Anyway I must finally get into this show. If I were to ever somehow rate all of the Canadian content that I watched between 1985 and 2003 this show would be put in the F-Tier.  This was the trifecta of Casper the Friendly Ghost and another show that I will leave nameless until we get to it's Final Episode because I like to tease you people with MYSTERY! This was an absolute no. Yes, sometimes I and even you would watch a TV show or cartoon you didn't enjoy because there was nothing else to do and the NES had pissed you off because you played BattleToads for an hour trying to beat the damn turbo tunnel, those three shows had me just deciding to stare at a fucking wall instead. They were that bad. Luckily for me and my sister, I do remember this being a Sunday show (why did channels like this just shove all the junk on Sunday?) and that was a day we'd go visit Family or go to the Flea Market. Both way more entertaining than stinky ass Monster By Mistake. (Now I just wonder how the hell PJ Phresh Phil would have tried to hype us kids up with this show while talking to us during the shows on The Zone) 

Monster By Mistake was created by a guy named Mark Mayerson, which really sounds like a cool Superhero name that Stan Lee would give some Marvel Comics character. He worked for Catapult Productions. I do not know what other things they did in Canadian CGI animation. This is one of the things that made me not want to revisit it. I mean besides not liking it when I was a 14 year old in 1999. CGI Animation ages terribly. I mean I still like Reboot and Beast Wars but I'd be lying if I said the CGI wasn't dated and that was CGI that was GOOD at the time. They were helped by 9 Story Media who worked on a lot of reboots of things like Clifford the Big Red Dog and The Magic School Bus Rides Again. The only thing I know that they made that isn't a reboot that was made after like 2003 was Nerds Vs Monsters that my nieces were kinda into until they found the worst thing ever made YouTube Kids. 

Anyway I'm sure you are dying to find out what the premise of this show was and I will finally tell you. It involves a kid named Warren who finds a magic jewel made by Gorgol or however you spell his stupid name that turns him into a monster whenever he sneezes. His sister tries to help him not be a Monster anymore by using the spell book. Also there is a ghost named Johnny who plays a trumpet because why the hell not?  This whole show just felt slapdash and weirdly pandering. Like hey kids like Monsters and Ghosts so let's just shove them into the equation. All I know is that I spent more time enjoying Pokemon and Dragon Ball Z at this point in my life. Yeah unlike some kids who have been forced to stop watching cartoons at an age like eight. I was still able to watch cartoons at fourteen and my parents didn't care.

So the Final Episode was released in 2003 and I think that makes this show the newest thing I've covered for The Final Episode series of blog posts. Wild. Anyway there was a three year gap between the pilot airing in 1996 during Halloween (I remember it because I was probably waiting for Are You Afraid of the Dark? marathon to start. That or Freaky Stories. or Goosebumps. Something of better quality then this. Then there was another three year gap between 2000 and 2003. Giving you hope that they got rid of it. The CGI changed and somehow got uglier between all three gaps too! Amazing.) Anyway the Final Episode was written by Steve Westren but it's not on the IMDB page for him. I assume it's him because this guy also worked on other 9 Story Media productions. His credits go all the way back to 1995. Wimzie's House, Groundling Marsh, Franklin and Friends, and a lot of other stuff that I have no thoughts or feelings about. It was directed by David Geldart who worked on season 3 of this show and maybe Star Wars Episode II Attack of the Clone Wars.

The shows Final Episode is called Strawberry Jam. Yep. So Tracy the sister to the monster is growing strawberries with their dad, except they aren't doing a good job and Tracy isn't enjoying herself. Oh no! Warren tells her but Dad loves doing it with her! We then see Dad and Mom talking about the same thing and HOLY MOLY Dad doesn't want to garden either! Woah! Thrilling stuff! Anyway Tracy just grabs the Book of Magic Spells and makes the berries appear! And they look great! You know after the fifthy-first time you used the Magic Book and it messed up maybe the character that was shown throughout the show to be intelligent would have realized IT WASN'T A GOOD IDEA. Any way Mom, Warren and Johnny the Jazz Trumpet Playing Ghost with His Jaunty Hat from 1943 eat the strawberries. Only the strawberries make everyone go hyper!

So Tracy then uses the magic spell to make people un-hyper, starting with Mom. Who was painting the walls polka dots! So wacky! I think I get why I did not like this show as a child because it somehow feels pandering and incredibly forced. Ooo it's polka dots! Isn't that funny kids! No. It isn't. Anyway Moms back to normal but now she's tired! Anyway Tracy runs to do Johnny next and he becomes tired! Before she goes to turn Warren back to normal (who is doing tricks to impress his dead eye friends. Seriously this is some of the cheapest AND creepiest CGI animation you could have possibly made.) but she realizes dad took the berries to the Flower Berry Growing Contest thing! Oh no! She quickly turns Warren back and they go of. Notice I did not say Warren turned into the Monster and used his monster powers to get and find dad quickly.

Oh there's a scene where Johnny the Ghost is tired and can't fly up high but can fly two streets ahead to steal coffee from their aunt character who as a cop who hated the Monster. I don't know why but this character was the most annoying of them all.  Yeah if people commented on this they'd be like this was a show for children Michael!!! but I would have called this plot point out as bullshit in 1994 when I was NINE. It's a lazy "oh shit this episode needs to be a scene or two longer! just jam in some shit" from a lazy show that just felt like it was pandering. A lot of shows from the 1980s and 1990s you get the feeling people had some fun making this and it shows within the product itself. Not a single person had any fun making this and it feels like a detention assignment.  One so bad that I could tell at 14 years old.

So they find Dad but before he ate a Strawberry! Oh no! You know this might be the lowest lowest stakes I've seen in something I've reviewed for the Final Episode. Even Charles in Charge had higher stakes and that had Scott Baio who is so bad that I stop giving a shit about anything he's in that isn't the silly ass movie Zapped! . Anyway they get the berries but oh no Dad is freaking out in the Bus! He's gone Hyper!!!!!! In the Bus!!! Anyway there's an insane amount of scenes of Dad just driving all over the place. Then five minutes before the episode ends they get Warren to change into the Monster. To grab the bumper when Johnny the Ghost puts the Strawberries into the bus' gas tank. The Monster then would grab the bumper. You'd think the Strawberries would do more than gum up the tank they'd stop the bus from moving at all. This is clearly "Oh shit we didn't even use the Monster in this episode so we gotta shove him in here" and because it was a Friday they threw it together in the laziest way possible. 

The bus is finally stopped but oh no the lady cop who hates the monster is now here how will we stop her from getting the monster and putting him in jail or something. Thankfully the strawberries in the gas tank blow up and spray stuff all over her so Warren can turn back into Warren! Woah! Anyway Tracy tells her dad she doesn't want to garden and instead make a machine from Young Machine Magazine or some shit. I don't know. You can tell I've clearly checked out. The machine looks like shit. Warren brags to his friend and his sister gives him a stare like he caused this whole mess or something. Anyway this, THE worst Canadian thing ever ends. Yes. I'd rather listen to Justin Beiber for days then ever watch another episode of this show.

FINAL VERDICT: Another thing wrong with the original post about this show is that it was way too nice on the show trying to show the youtube guy that I don't even remember anymore that's the real way to review a thing but it isn't. If you dislike something and have a shitty blog you should just tell the world about it. This was in a 3 way tie for the worst thing on the television when I was a kid. The fact that it could have been replaced by anything except those two other shows would have been an improvement. Anything. A nickelodeon show we didn't get. Reruns of I Love Lucy. A random anime from Japan. Like literally go to Japan and pick the first remotely child friendly to Canada anime you can see and put it there. Anything. Literally anything would be better than this trashy, thrown together nonsense. This was a ugly, lazily written (so bad that a literal child could tell they were just throwing stuff together sense) boring mess of a television show. The worst thing of it all that with people who knew what the fuck they were doing the idea probably could have had some legs but what we got was a man with no legs. Depressing as hell.

The Final Episode #110: The Smurfs (1981 - 1989)

 

Well, you beautiful people sure didn't give a shit about The New Adventures of He-Man and honestly I cannot blame you. So we are taking a break from the He-Man universe for a while. There's at least two more shows I want to talk about related to He-Man. I'm sure you know what they are. Anyway I still wanted to talk about something from the 1980s that was incredibly popular but I always forget about. I don't know why. Anyway I think The Smurfs is the last of the big name 80s cartoons that I have left to talk about. I might have to give a looksee at a list but after this the biggest big name cartoon left would be She-Ra. I think that would count as a big name so I guess I was wrong already in this opening paragraph. Isn't that something?

The Smurfs has a pretty long history to it, so buckle up boys and girls! It all starts in 1928 with the birth of Belgian comics artist Pierre (which is one of the best French names ever) "Peyo" Culliford. At only 19 or so years old the man creates his first comic Johan which in 1954 became Johan and Peewit when well the character Peewit joined. Peewit is a very goofy name that I do enjoy writing and saying. Peewit. It's got pee in the name. Comedy gold. GOLD IS THE SAME COLOR AS PEE!!!! Uh. Okay back to the history of The Smurfs. They show up in a Johan and Peewit story called The Flute with Six Holes. They literally become so popular that Peyo pretty much starts making comics for them. I betcha didn't know the Smurfs are a spinoff! I gotta stop clicking on Wikipedia links or I will go down a rabbit hole reading about European comics that I cannot find here in Canada.

Anyway in 1976 a man named Stuart R. Ross was travelling in Belgium and saw the Smurfs and well history was changed on that day! The Smurfs were brought over to America and that's how Fred Silverman's daughter Melissa got one. That's what gave him the idea of making it into a cartoon in 1981. He then went to Hanna-Barbera and they worked with Peyo (he was very involved with this cartoon) Even though port will do his LOL JOSH HABANRALABARA AND JIMMY BANANANANANA joke that was maybe funny the first time not even he can deny that this was a popular as hell series lasting 258 episodes (which since most episodes had two stories turned into 425 stories overall) and 7 specials. It was without a doubt one of the most popular Saturday Morning Cartoons of all time. It lasted from 1981 to 1989. It was one of the few hits Fred Silverman had during his time!

Anyway I think I'll talk about my history with The Smurfs which isn't much. I remember getting Teletoon Retro, a satellite cable channel in Canada and it showed the Smurfs. I aksed my parents if I had ever watched it and they said I was a big fan when I was like four. I don't remember this but I was also four at the time and what I do remember about being four involves Ninja Turtles and Real Ghostbusters, not blue men and one woman (so weird). I'm pretty sure no channel showed the Smurfs in reruns around here and I'm surprised they didn't. I did for some reason watch both of those live action movies with Doogie Howser and they were absolute dogshit. Do not watch those movies. Ever. Anyway, that's pretty much it for me and the Smurfs.

It's finally time to sit down and watch the Final Episode of the Smurfs! It's a two fer apparently, but it's 23 minutes long. Did the Smurfs show for an hour back then or did I get hornswoggled by internet episode guides again! Anyway I watched it so I'm gonna talk about it. It's called The Golden Rhino and was brought to us on December 2nd, 1989. Apparently they changed things up for the Smurfs in the ninth and final season where they end up time travelling. Wild. Apparently they changed it up because Quantum Leap was popular, or at least that's what Wikipedia said. Anyway I want a crossover of both of those shows now. That would be something else. Anyway the Smurfs are forced to travel throughout time and get sent to Africa. They are trapped on a bridge and almost fall into the water

They are saved by a young African boy named Pricari and his Rhino Rhadu who can turn anything into gold with his horn! Rhadu turns the bridge rope into gold and the Smurfs can climb up it! They do so and Pricari decides to bring them to his village to meet his friends. His friends Stretch (a Giraffe) and Cubby (a lion cub) meet the Smurfs and then we pretty much change over to the bad guys of this episode. A guy named Tamar the Treacherous who has Rhadu's parents. Two other golden rhinos who he has made useless by over taxing them. You know the kind of story this is already if you've seen any 80s/90s cartoon. Anyway he sends his henchmen Azoul out to kidnap Rhadu! He apparently knows where he is and goes after him with some Gorilla Men. I like the way the Gorilla Men look in this episode It's pretty great! Anyway Rhadu, some weird bear creature that hangs out with The Smurfs now and Brainy Smurf go to the woods away from the other Smurfs so that Brainy can turn his books that he's written into gold. He says his words will live on forever. Hey Brainy I think they should actually call you Egotistical Idiot Smurf because how the FUCK are you supposed to open a book after its turn into gold you daft SHIT?

Anyway Brainy gets captured along with Rhadu and they turn Brainy into gold and bring it all back to Tamar who you know starts turning everything into Gold even his fucking food which he wouldn't be able to eat! Jesus man you do realize if you turn everything into Gold it becomes useless right!? Still he turns everything even his bed into gold. Which would not be fun to sleep on but I guess he's just gotta have that gold. He's like that annoying character from the 3rd Austin Powers movie, Goldmember. The only funny part of that movie was Michael Caine and one scene of Dr. Evil talking about his father. Still better than The Love Guru. Just about anything is better than that though. Anyway Pricari, Stupid Idiot Smurf and Painter Smurf along with his animal friends come to save Rhadu! They all end up in the dungeon except for Pricari who pulls an invention out of his butt that saves the day. It's this thing with some wooden hands that move. I do not remember if they ever mentioned he was an inventor or not but it made me go "huh?" when it happened. Anyway they save the day by rescuing Rhadu. 

They escape in one of Tamar's ships and Tamar follows him after them in his new ship that he wanted turned into gold. They try to use the wooden hand invention again and it ends up failing. Tamar finally catches up with them but they got the three Rhinos to put their horns together and end up turning his ship into gold. He then tells Azoul to remember where the ship sank because he's coming back for it. I'm glad this guy doesn't have any more golden rhinos or golden gooses or golden touches because he uses it too much. Anyway this episode was actually a lot more fun than I am making it sound and I actually enjoyed it. I just like Gorilla Men and making fun of Brainy Smurf.

The next episode that was a part of this was called Hearts N Smurfs and was quite shorter than the other episode and I enjoyed it more. Anyway this episode involves Cupid and Holland! So yes the Smurfs do in fact wear clogs and it's very cute. I think thats why I like it more. I'm a very simple man to please. Anyway we see Cupid making animals and all that fall in love and be happy nice people. We also see this episodes bad guy Van Garg... an ancestor of Gargamel from later on and yes he does have the exact kind of cat. Except his cats name is Hans because you know Holland. We also see him destroying a tulip. Van Garg almost has Cupid but the Smurfs time travelling knocks him into the water but also hurts Cupid's wings so he has to go to the Smurfs for help. He trains three Smurfs, Hefty (who apparently is supposed to be Strong but whenever I see the word Hefty I think big old fat guy) Clumsy, and Brainy into Cupids to help him until his wings heal. You'd think Clumsy would be the one who would get captured first but nope it's Egotistical Idiot Smurf who gets captured by Van Garg and turned into a bad guy. He then turns everyone else into bad guys and it's only due to a mistake by Hefty (who hits a rain cloud with an arrow turning it into a love cloud. The love cloud turns Van Garg into a nice guy and he and his cat Hans run around Holland being nice. Papa Smurf puts the Time Crystals together and hopefully they will return home this time. 

FINAL VERDICT: These were two charming fun little adventures starring a bunch of blue men and one woman (still so weird). They did not have my favorite Smurf, Gay Stereotype Smurf in them but I will always be happy to make fun of Brainy Smurf. Anyway this just reminds me of a question I want to ask, what's better a good but not really "final" Final Episode or a bad episode that does end things? I mean I'd rather watch this over Sabrina the Teenage Witch or New Adventures of He-Man any day. Maybe that's for a special edition where I go over all the types of Final Episodes. I dunno. Anyway I've written enough about this stuff for today.

The Final Episode #109: The New Adventures of He-Man (1990)

 

Two things I want to point out before I go into this show. The first one is well actually it's a question. Has there EVER been an actually good TV show with NEW ADVENTURES in the title? Like I racked my brain going over and over wondering if I could find one. It seems that AT BEST I can think of The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. I mean That's the only one I can remember people ever talking about positively. So that's why I ask the readers of this fine blog if there are any others that anyone has ever mentioned positively. The second point is when this show flopped, Mattel didn't put out more money for another He-Man series. They realized it's time in the sun had come and gone and let it stay gone for a while. They actually realized that absence makes the heart grow fonder or some Shakespeare shit. Don't look at me for cultured seriousness. I watch things like Surf Nazis Must Die. I have zero culture within my body and I've made peace with that.

Anyway, a while back on my failed YouTube channel I wanted to do a series where I talked about every TV show YTV ever showed. I know they showed He-Man and She-Ra because that's where I watched reruns of that show. They also showed this show which I do not remember at all. I mean okay fine I was five years old at the time but I still remember other things from that age. I remember playing Mega Man 2 A LOT for my NES during that time. It was around my younger sister was being born. Me and my old man just hung out a lot while my mother was in the hospital. It was a wild time for all of us. I just find it interesting that they picked this up. I dunno. I just needed a pointless filler paragraph so shut up.

So The New Adventures of He-Man was Mattel's last attempt at making He-Man a thing again. Between 1982 and 1985 the shit sold like fucking hotcakes (I've never had a hotcake and I don't know if I want too because if I didn't like it I would never know peace again because I wouldn't be able to use that dumb saying anymore) and like all kinds of toy lines and cartoon series and just about everything else, It's time in the sun just went. By 1990 all the kids wanted Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Ghostbusters. At least that's what I wanted!  As you can tell by how much discussion there has been on The New Adventures of He-Man that it was a flop. Flopping harder than Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie. Yes it was that bad of a flop.

So you might be asking yourself "What is that beautiful house?" and I'll tell you that this is a blog post and not a Talking Heads song. Okay with that terrible terrible joke out of the way it's time to talk about Jetlag Productions the American offshoot of some French animation company created by DAMIEN'S HERO JEAN CHALOPIN. That's right bitches! The original head of DIC Animation! Before Andy Heyward took over the company! Jetlag did New Adventures of He-Man and a lot of terrible animated movies that Good Times Productions put out. If you watch the YouTuber Phelous you've seen or probably will see some of their movies on his show. Jetlag didn't do much to be honest and their most famous thing is probably this show. Which seeing as no one talks about it, that's not very good at all.

The only positive I can think of for this show is that everyone on the voice cast seemed to end up working on the Canadian dub of Dragon Ball Z. which cause of CanCon laws meant it was at least enough Canadian content that it could be shown over and over again. Yes I think I've mentioned it before but Canada's government MAKES people make Canadian content like TV shows. They just don't give them enough money so very rarely do you get something that's not hot ass from Canada. Anyway that dub had a lot of talented people like Scott McNeil on it. In fact it seems the only person who didn't do something for Dragon Ball Z was Garry Chaulk but he voiced Optimus Primal from Beast Wars and I just HAD to mention him. Sadly they don't be seem to be giving this their all like they did for other series.

Anyway this show is just really generic and seriously feels like they jammed He-Man in there at the last minute. I'll tell you about the First Epiosde too because I really really do not plan to come back and talk about this show again. Yes, There are things I plan to talk about more than once on this blog. We spend most of the episode with boring boring characters. Just seriously thrown together at the last second on A Friday before the big meeting on Monday. Just blah. This wouldn't be the worst thing in the world but it's supposed to be a  sequel series to He-Man where all of the characters were at least charming or goofy enough to be fun. This is just a sci fi show where He-Man (and Skeletor) are brought to the future. They literally have two characters just bring them both back because they can't tell which one of them is good. Oh and He-Man beats the Mutants back in like 15 seconds. Way to make us give a shit about these bad guys! Oh and one of the mutants is called Slushhead. I remember Portnoyd going off about some characters that weren't supposed to ever be used again in a Teen Titans issue because they had lazy names but they decided to go with SLUSHHEAD for 65 episodes. They were clearly not bringing their A-Game to this material and I can't really blame them.

The animation from this show is fine. Nothing amazing but fine. I felt like I had to mention that here because I will not be talking about this show ever again hopefully. (Unless I do a Bottom 10 Final Episodes Ever List) The character designs for the new characters are fine I guess. They don't beat any of the fun designs from Filmation. Oh and I don't know why they didn't stop in 1987 with the Masters of the Universe movie that was a flop so big it literally took down Cannon Films (along with Superman IV: The Quest for Peace). I mean I like that movie quite a bit but it does not change the fact that it was a flop and clear evidence that the kids had moved on from He-Man. I guess they felt like they had to give it another go just to make sure. It's sure great to be the head of a giant corporation that can just flush tons of money down a fucking toilet.

Oh, The Final Episode is it seems a two parter, or picks up off a cliffhanger from another episode or whatever. I usually review both episodes in this case but I'm not wasting any more of my precious God given time on this. No one except the animatiors were giving it anything above a C-Grade Attempt so why the hell should I give anything more? Nope, not this time, buckaroos! Anyway the Final Episode is called "The Final Invasion" and it was a five part ending. Ain't no way I'm doing that. So you know in Cartoons and Movies and other tv shows where they have a big tournament and all kinds of characters compete to fight. Yeah it's like that but sci-fi-y. He-Man and his boring new friends that suck ass won the day but oh no the alien guys lied and are keeping them in their Intergalactic Zoo (another concept done more enjoyably in many other places! Wow!) 

He-Man realizes that the SUPER CRYSTALS or whatever shit that are powering their guns (which  don't work against the lazer wall keeping them in the jail cell) and shoves them in the place where they are given food and shoots it with his sword which you think they bad guy alien idiots would have taken away from him! They then see the ship is in tatters but its just them making them think that! He-Man's magic powers make the ship look fine. The bad guy aliens then say they keep people here because they are lonely! Yeah. He-Man is like why don't you guys try to be nice and make friends and they are like We will let you leave to save Primus, not something like Neo-Eterina or something but Primus, alright. whatever. The Mutants get there before the Galactic Guardians (they do not deserve a name that cool)

The Female Mutant Lady actually comes off as kinda scary but He-Man and the good guys show up and Skeletor disappears for some reason. They literally stop the main mutants so fucking quickly I didn't even know what happened for a second! They then get them to agree to a treaty and stop fighting. This is when Skeletor shows up and the Female Mutant Lady joins him and since there's like 3 minutes left to the show and they still have to do the credits He-Man and The Random Lady fight and win easily. They trap Skeletor and Female Mutant Lady into a space ship and send them into space. They talk about how Skeletor won't be able to stop the WAY OF THE MAGIC or some bullshit. The Female Mutant Lady asks Skeletor if they will just float in space forever and Skeletor vows that he will find a way to get back and destroy He-Man once and for all! Just like the 1987 movie and frankly I want to see what they would have done in a sequel for THAT way more than this crap.

FINAL VERDICT: If I can give this show one thing is that there's at least an ending. This was Final. This wasn't another adventure of the week episode. No they ended things. It sure as fuck wasn't satisfying but it WAS an ending. No one really cared enough about this product and it shows. Everyone was like paycheck time! Yeah I know just about all animation and hollywood and movies and all that shit is made to get a paycheck but at least sometimes people care! They didn't care at Mattel. They didn't care in the voice over booths. The people writing the scripts didn't care and probably wished to be on any other piece of entertainment over this. I'll show you how bad this show is. Toy collectors barely if ever seem to talk about this show and if you can't get those rascals to care then I do not think anyone could. This is probably the worst fucking Final Episode I've ever discussed and I want to forget about The New Adventures of He-Man.