The Final Episode #84: The Addams Family (1964 - 1966)

 

The Addams Family was a pretty big deal in my household when I was a kid. My sister and I loved the movies The Addams Family and Addams Family Values. We had Addams Family on a McDonalds VHS tape. Like buy an extra burger and you can buy this VHS tape for 4.99 or some deal like that. I think it was for movies made by Paramount because the other movie we had was for Charlotte's Web, the Hanna-Barbera adaptation of E.B. White's 1952 novel. We watched the hell out of those movies. They were a rainy day staple. I think even my dad got a kick out of the movie too. I mean the like first four or five times he had to watch it. I'll have to ask him. I don't know what my mother thinks of it.

The TV shows were different. I don't remember the black and white show but it really would not surprise me if some station had it on. I probably poo-pooed it because it was in black and white and I was a kid. They made a cartoon in 1992 that I thought was FANTASTIC. I couldn't get enough of that shit but don't worry we will get to it another article because I'll talk about as much of these rascals as I possibly can. I don't think I will watch Addams Family Reunion, the 3rd movie from the 1990s because it's very bad. How bad is it? Not even Tim Curry could save it. It's that bad. Speaking of bad Addams Family material, they made a show in Canada  called The New Addams Family. I will, if I can find the Final Episode, talk about it. It was not very good, except whenever sweet ol' John Astin would guest star. That guy could do anything.

The weird thing with The Addams Family was that it had history even before the tv series or the movies or anything. It started in 1938 with a cartoon series in The New Yorker by artist Chas Addams. I will say this right here and now that The Addams Family is the only good and cool thing The New Yorker actually ever gave the world. The rest of it was hoity toity bullshit for rich assholes. Anyway they adapted it for TV in the 1960s. Right aside another show about a goofy spooky family called The Munsters. It was big in the 1960s for kids to argue what was better The Addams Family or The Munsters. I personally haven't seen enough of either show to know what one I would put on top I just know that arguing over that kinda stuff is boring to me, you know you can like both right?

Seeing as this is a show I haven't seen many episodes of, the big thing of mine is to watch a few episodes and briefly discuss them in a paragraph, so I guess that means that is what this paragraph will be about. That's right it's time for another SUPER SIZED FINAL EPISODE!!! The first episode is entitled "Ophelia Finds Romance" and is about Mortica's sister Ophelia (also played by Carolyn Jones) who comes to the Addams household to see if Mortica and Gomez will approve of her boyfriend Horatio Bartholomew. Oh good because I pasted something from another page I have different text now. Oh well, you'll have to deal with it because I don't care enough to try to fix it. At first it's just because her mother doesn't approve of him however Gomez and Mortica end up not approving of him, feeling that he is faking being rich. So they try to get him to prove it for the episodes runtime. After A bunch of attempts to prove hes not who he says he is, they get a call from Gomez's bankers telling them that he in fact is the second richest man in the world. They are very happy about his and turn all of their ill will into good cheer and then talk about Zen Yogism, something that the Addams Family and the Frump (Ophelia and Mortica) all believe in. He trashes it and leaves. Ophelia tries to date Cousin Itt. Cousin Itt is the best member of the Addams Family. (Also that relationship doesn't work out either) 

The second episode I watched was called "Ophelia Finds Romance" and this one was a dozy of a pickle. I like Ophelia she's like a hippie Addams Family member. Kinda spaced out. Has flowers in her hair. Like they grow in her hair and everything. It's pretty great. Anyway Ophelia has another boyfriend but this one has ran off to join the Peace Corps. Which is the only thing wrong with this episode. You know that the trope is that you run off to join the French Foreign Legion! I know that the trope! Everyone knows that the trope! Not trying to trash the Peace Corps here but you gotta keep to the tropes damnit! Anyway after Fester gets made fun of he decides to join the Peace Corps. Everyone tries to help him out by having him answer questions and do exercise. However even with help from Gomez's friend in Washington he cannot get into the Peace Corps. So they have to try to make him feel like he is needed at the Addams household so he won't join. They succeed and even Montrose comes back. Montrose is a perfect name for someone who should be in the Addams Family. it's weird and very few people have probably ever had that name. Anyway this was a fun episode.

The Final Episode was called Ophelia's Career. I don't know why I chose 3 Ophelia episodes. I guess I was curious about this Ophelia character that I didn't remember from the movies. She's actually in the movies. I just do not remember her at all. I think those movie should get a rewatch. Anyway this episode starts out with Ophelia coming to the Addams household and judo flipping Gomez (this was her thing. She likes judo flipping men. I would let her judo flip me. Rawr.) saying that her new lover doesn't like being judo flipped and ran away again. Morticia tells her to join the working world (after Pugsley insults her. The kids in these three episodes had very minor appearances). She first starts as a chemist in a fun bit with Uncle Fester. Gomez hears her sing and she's not very good but the Addams probably listen to weird off key music (except Lurch is really good at music?!?) and he gets an opera singer come by to help her out.

The Opera Singer comes by and well he's bowelled over in pain in how bad she is. Just as he's about to leave he tells her to do it some way and POW she knocks this out of the park and he's so amazed by this that he's willing to try to find the guy who runs the Opera in the Addams Family area. I'll just call him The Opera Owner because he's got a fancy name that I don't care enough to look up right now. I end up getting very bored when I write 82 paragraphs in a row. Anyway Ophelia practices for six months until the big day. The Addams Family, being themselves give her Fester's throat potion which well blew up when Gomez dropped a match in there, so you really probably shouldn't use that as a throat potion.

The Opera Singer and the Opera Owner show up and Gomez wants like 90% of the Opera's grosses and 10,000 dollars. Also the Opera she plays in have to be one that Mortica wrote called Afternoon in a Swamp (I don't know about you but I would watch this Opera but then again I'm uncultured swine.) The Opera Owner is fucking hilarious. This dude is like already angry as shit having to be at the Addams Family's house. He gives these great angry looks and I wish he would have been in more of the episode. Of course the throat potion has fucked up Ophelia's throat and all she can do is squawk like a bird. However none of this matters as her lover calls her and says that he's in judo now and she rushes to find him. She says something to the Opera Owner and the look on his face is probably the funniest thing I've ever seen. I love this guy and hope he lived the happiest life possible. We get another scene of Gomez and Morticia doing some skeet shooting inside (he loses. Also I feel that I should mention the NES game Duck Hunt here because it had a skeet shooting game. Duck Hunt was fun.) and find out that Ophelia and her lover are happy as hell. It's a good way to end this series.

FINAL VERDICT: I really like this Ophelia character. She was a lot of fun. I hope she shows up a few more times in this series. This show was a lot of fun and I laughed many times. I would recommend it to anyone looking for some spooky fun for this season. 

Movie Review #54: Girls Gone Dead (2012)

 

Sweet baby Jesus It's been quite some time since I've seen a movie as bad as this one. I was again looking for some dumb entertainment but I didn't get the entertainment part. I found this movie out by checking through letterboxd, and saw someone's star and a half review for this movie and it said it had Linnea Quigley in it. It also had Jerry "The King" Lawler in it. So I figured well this should be good for some dumb fun. I uh, also thought it was a zombie film because of Dead in the title. It's actually a slasher film. An incredibly bad slasher film. Possibly one of the worst. Let's get in on this review.

First off the plot is rehashed from about 32 other slasher films that did the plot way better. I don't care if you rehash a plot just add something fresh to the whole thing. This movie did not. This movie has several girls going to a "girls gone wild" thing. well they actually go close to it. One of the girls mom doesn't like this (yes she turns out to be one of the killers). It's threadbare and does nothing new, fun or interesting with the whole religious crazy person hates sinful things trope. That's been done better in about well 32 other films. 

This movie also thinks its funny and it really really isn't. One of the jokes is some girl turns on a golf channel and the show is called Fairway and Grounds and they have letters F a and G all a different color. It's like yes show us this edgy joke of yours. you know the one that was done better in I think it was Team America World Police. I'm not going to cry about edgy jokes in general, I'm just going to cry when they are poorly done and very annoying. This is probably one of the best jokes in this movie. One joke or at least I think it was supposed to be a joke I'll give them credit for is when Jerry "The King" Lawler literally pulls off a wrestling move on the killer just out of nowhere. It didn't make me laugh but it did make me go "What the fuck" because it was so out of place. 

The acting is really bad except for Linnea Quigley who seems to be having fun in her sadly much too small role. Everyone else seems to be bored to tears to be acting like they aren't even trying. they don't try to go over the top, or anything. It's like "oh I'm in a movie. Cool" it's really bad. The only main cast member that even tries is the "dummy" character you see in a lot of movies. She actually got a smile out of me once or twice. I mean even if the script of this movie was the funniest thing ever filmed it would still be poor comedy because 98% of the cast didn't care enough to act.

Another thing that this movie does poorly is the killer reveal. For like several reasons. One it literally shows the mother back at the house while people are being killed. Okay you're like okay she can't be a part of this because she's at her house at least an hour away. Nope, she turns out to be one of the two killers and I was like oh wow way to throw that pointless red herring in there at the last second you dipshits. Oh I did say there was two killers the other killer is the main girls ex-boyfriend who is really keen on Jesus. This guy is your usual comedic LOL HES REALLY INTO JESUS SO HE CANT LOOK AT NAKED LADIES WEINER GUY and yeah I don't buy someone who can't look at a titty without shaking could kill a fly, let alone a human being. I buy a lot of shit from fictional stories but that's a bridge to fucking far.

FINAL VERDICT: Watch only if you need to see everything either Linnea Quigley or Jerry "The King" Lawler ever did. Otherwise flush this smelly turd down the shithole.

Comic Review #67: Giant Size Man-Thing #4 (1975)

 

So I discussed Swamp Thing, DC Comics (did you know DC in DC stands for Detective Comics so DC Comics is really Detective Comics Comics, weird huh?) famous monster man so I figured we had to discuss Man Thing, Marvel Comics famous monster man. Not as famous as Swamp Thing but still famous enough to get a SyFy movie that I haven't seen (but I'm sure I will end up seeing it). My favorite thing about both characters is that they have the same origin and popped up in comics a few months apart. Like so few months apart that they couldn't actually steal the others character. It's very amusing to me, at least.

The one thing that is different between Man Thing and Swamp Thing is the fact that Man Thing cannot speak at all and if you are scared shitless of him and he touches you you burn. ANYTHING THAT KNOWS FEAR BURNS AT THE MAN THINGS TOUCH. something like that appeared in like every Man Thing comic. They had to make sure everyone knew his gimmick. Anyway most of the Man-Thing stories from the 1970s were written by a guy named Steve Gerber and they were really good, like every one I've read of his was great. Didn't matter if it was a horror story or a fantasy story where he teams up with a Duck (named Howard, more about him in a later paragraph) and some Barbarian guy. They were always a lot of fun. Steve Gerber really thought outside of the box. I love it.

Now Giant Size issues were a thing in the 1970s, around 1974 to 1976. Pretty much every Marvel comic got at least one Giant Size issue. X-Men got it's big comeback with Giant Size X-Men #1 in 1975. That comic will cost you like a grand at least. It pretty much brought back the X-Men and was the first appearance of several incredibly popular X-Men characters like Storm or Nightcrawler. This is just to show you that Giant Size issues were and still are a big deal. Giant Size Man Thing is remembered fondly for two reasons, these stories were really good and you could make a bad joke using the title about male genitalia. 

Giant Size Man-Thing #4 is one wild ride. It has four stories in it, we will discuss all four because why the hell not. They all kinda sorta connect to something that you could discuss for Halloween so why not? The first story is a Man-Thing story called "The Kids Night Out" and is definitely the best of the four stories.  It starts off with the funeral of a 17 year old kid named Edmond Winshed who has died. The Preacher is talking about how everyone loved him and treated him fine, except this is a complete pile of bullshit which is pointed out by everyone named Alice Rimes. That the truth was how they treated Edmond so poorly. His uncle literally comes out and beats her up, she ends up meeting Man-Thing and freaks out so his uncle comes out and tries to KILL her. You totally know these people are shit bad awful.

It's the next day at school and Alice Rimes has a diary written by Edmond. With his true feelings about how he hated himself because of his weight and how everyone around him abused him, especially his cruel and heartless gym teacher who literally made him run to death. She goes to the school newspaper to get this printed and she tells everyone about his diary. We then see pieces from Edmond's diary, written like a diary except with some really nice pieces of art in there. Edmond compares himself to Man-Thing. I feel bad for this guy. Alice leaves the newspaper people and goes to put the diary in her locker and then she's knocked unconscious. She wakes up and is threatened by the gym teacher and Edmonds' family. The Man-Thing sees a vision in the swamp of Edmond Winshed and that brings him to the high school. He literally wrecks the shit out of everyone there. He burns the mouth of the aunt of Edmond's who was too afraid to say anything. Fucking throws his shitty uncle on a bunch of barbells and breaks his back. he burns the coaches hands together into a prayer like hand motion and then he BURNS HIS HEART IN TOO SEVERING IT. If the Man-Thing doesn't like you you better watch the FUCK out. After doing all this he leaves. Alice Rimes was screaming about seeing Edmond... I don't know if we ever see her again.

The second story is GARKO THE MAN FROG. It's a Howard the Duck story. We see Howard the Duck falling from the Nexus of all realities into a crazy space like place. We see him hit another portal and land up in some random neighborhood. He meets two kids who are not that freaked out about a talking duck. He wants some cigars and they bring him to a  cigar store. My favorite part of this story is the guy looking at Howards dollar bill from Duckworld, THEN he looks at Howard and just takes the money. It's great. The kids talk about Garko a weirdo from their neighborhood, who just yells at people how he's gonna take over the world. He then finally to actually do that and turns into a Giant Frog and tries to KILL Howard the Duck and the two kids. The kids run off to find police officers while Howard just takes a trash can lid and uses it as a shield trying to attack Garko. However Garko should have tested his frog formula on someone because it ends up turning him into a regular frog. The police show up and take Howard away despite his insistence on the giant frog being the culprit! The police in the final panel run over Garko. 

The last two stories are reprints from past Marvel comics. One is a "monster" comic where a Russian guy ends up finding tons of monsters who hate flames and he ends up putting a door in the mountain where they all live to keep them in there. Two russian guards just randomly show up and take his key and open the door. It's not a very good story but DAMN it has some great Steve Ditko artwork. It also ends really abruptly. I was not a fan of this story besides the artwork. Another story has a man trying to find out why his artist is claustrophobic so he brings him to a psychiatrist and they find out that the man has no past! So they get him to draw the first thing he remembers seeing in this world and it's him in a coffin! Which makes no sense... Is he a vampire? a zombie that can read write draw and not want to eat human brains? Is he a reincarnation? This is another story that is a failure because it makes no real sense and is forced into a 5 or 6 page format when it could have been fleshed out to something better. The art by Joe Maneely (I think this is the first time I've seen his art) is fucking great. You can really FEEL the fear on the guys face. 

The art in all the stories is great. Ed Hannagin, Frank Brunner, Steve Ditko, and Joe Maneely. They all have a great art style. Frank Brunner works really well with goofy silly stories. It's strange because most people will know him from some crazy out of this world stuff on Dr. Strange. Ed Hannigan is just really solid stuff. He's really underrated. I'm really not good at critiquing art am I? Steve Ditko is well Steve Ditko. I think he works the best in monster stories or stuff like Dr. Strange but I still dig his Spider-Man stuff. I just think he works better in fantasy magic stuff or monsters. Joe Maneely drew a dude being scared so well I kinda felt it. That's talent man! 

FINAL VERDICT: Two pretty good stories and two not so good stories. I wish they had picked some better reprints. Still the art was great in those two not so good stories so they weren't a complete loss. I would pick this one up if you enjoy horror tales or silly ducks. I like both so I like this comic.

Movie Review #53: Ernest Scared Stupid (1991)

 

I am amazingly surprised it took me this long to discuss Mr. Ernest P. Worrell, played by Jim Varney. He was all over the place between I believe the early 1980s when he was just on tv as a spokesman for some random stuff. I don't know what he tried to sell you and I've never seen the commercials. He was insanely popular so he was put in to a movie called Dr. Otto and the Gloom Beam (1986), a movie I'm surprised no video store around us had. It was until I was an adult that I had even heard of it. It's on the Offical Never Ending List of Motion Pictures I Want To Watch Damnit list. He was given his own movie Ernest Goes to Camp (1987), then it was Ernest Saves Christmas, Ernest Goes to Jail, Ernest Scared Stupid (today's movie). This movie didn't make enough money at the box office but that didn't stop them. Ernest went direct to video with Ernest Rides Again (This one even has a Mr. Bill sketch! How 90s is that!?), Ernest Goes to School, Slam Dunk Ernest, Ernest Goes to the Army, and Ernest Goes to Africa. He even had his own tv show! Ernest was everywhere!

I loved this guy as a kid. The second a new Ernest movie hit the video store I was THERE. I re-watched Ernest Goes to Jail (the zenith of Ernest films) so many times and It never got old. Ever. I don't know how many times I saw any of the direct to video movies but I know the ones that were in theatres were ones and my sister would watch. My sister watched THIS movie so many times that I honesty grew sick of it. It was an Ernest movie I couldn't stand. However I figured 25 years after all of this happened, (I got a VCR in like 1996 so I didn't have to watch movies in the main room of the house.) it was time to give this movie a rewatch. I mean I had more or less forgotten most of the movie so I figured it was fair. Anyway I'm still kinda mixed on this film but I did have a good time.

First off, Jim Varney is still a lot of fun to watch. He is clearly having a great time with this role. I mean you don't do ten of them plus a tv show if you don't want to play the character. Ernest is very love him or hate him. I personally love him. He's so lovably silly and sincere. You feel that this guy is a real guy despite how weird he is. That's all on Jim Varney. He is my favorite 80s comedy weirdo. Sorry Pee-Wee, you'll have to take second place. The rest of the actors are pretty good. The kids are mostly likable and this film has EARTHA KITT in it. Eartha Kitt ruled. She is great in this movie and all of my favorite moments involve her and Ernest. The plot is easy going and all that. Ernest's grandfather puts a Troll in the ground and grows a giant oak tree all over him. The Troll curses him. There's also a saying that a Worrell ancestor will help him escape (and he does! as a huge accident!) and the Troll wants to kidnap children and turn them into wood statues so that he can grow a huge troll army! I must admit that I love the design of the Trolls in this movie. They are spectacular.

 The biggest problem is that this movie while yes, it does have some laughs, it has a lot of moments that I think fall flat. I really wish Gailand Sartain who played Chuck would have been in this movie because he worked so much better with Bobby. That's just me, but this movie is more likable and fun to watch than hilarious but I did laugh so I can't deny that. I so far still rate Ernest Goes to Jail as a better movie as it was likable and fun to wtach AND hilarious. Ernest Goes to Jail is a better movie than Gone With the Wind and everyone knows it but just don't want to admit it.

FINAL VERDICT: I had fun re-watching this movie and It's got me feeling like I should discuss some comedy horror movies. What are they? You'll find out soon duders and ladiers!

Movie Review #52: Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings (1993)

 

Well, I woke up early today and wasn't really in the mood to do anything else except watch a movie. The sillier the better. I'll wait some time before I tell yoiu if this movie was silly or not. Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings was a movie that I believe I rented the same time as the original. I knew I couldn't be disappointed because look at Pumpkinhead! I believed in Pumpkinhead! Like the original film I haven't seen this movie since that week in like 1995. or 1996? I should have kept a diary like a big nerd. Anyway I know I liked this movie and scenes of it stuck into my head ever since. Pumpkinhead movies have a good way of staying in your head. 

I don't do this much but I think I shall discuss the VHS distributor of this movie because I think they have a interesting history. They started in 1981 as Family Home Entertainment. If you ever rented a TMNT VHS tape you KNOW that name like there's no tomorrow. In 1983 they started a branch of the company called USA Home Video. You'll see that name on the first Silent Night Deadly Night (and I'm sure a lot more movies but that's the most important and popular of the films) they became IVE later on. IVE and FHE were sold to some old dude. He made it LIVE Entertainment. (He even bought the greatest VHS company in the world Vestron!) LIVE Entertainment became Artisan Entertainment before being sold to Lionsgate. I just find it funny that a company known for Silent Night, Deadly Night sequels, TMNT VHS tapes, and silly monster movies like Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings (see I would tell you if it was silly!)

So I'm gonna go to talk about how the plot is muddled and not very well done. Yes, I am as shocked as you that Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings has a muddled plot. So the movie starts out with a deformed little boy named Tommy Parnell being killed by a bunch of 1950s greasers. I like greasers and I think they need a comeback. Anyway years later in 1993 a bunch of kids fuck up and bring the monster back to life. They hurt the witch lady that would look after Tommy. So now Tommy wants to kill the greasers and the kids. It's also said by the witch lady that Tommy's dad was Pumpkinhead. So he's being possessed by his dad to kill these people??? Also in the original movie Ed Harley would freak out when Pumpkinhead would kill people because he was the one who brought him in to do the work. So in this movie whenever someone dies, it's the lady who has a freak out. Shouldn't it have been the dickhead character Danny Dixon (try saying that five times fast) who actually brought Tommy/Pumpkinhead back to life who's having the freak outs? I don't really care if a sequel goes "ah hell let's just change the whole rules and everything" I just want it to make a little sense. 

Anyway, it may surprise you but I still enjoyed this movie. I mean I've enjoyed movies with way more incoherent and poorly done plots than this. This just has several issues. Not something I can't look past. I must praise Jeff "The Sequel Man" Burr for his direction. I LOVE how so many scenes in this movie are set up, like when Pumpkinhead escapes his grave. It's foggy out, the fucking coffin EXPLODES and you see his big old claw. It's amazing. The special effects by KNB Effects are fucking awesome. If you want the red stuff you get it in this film! The acting is a mixed bag really. Some of it is really good (Andrew Robinson who was in Dirty Harry and Hellraiser but will always be known to me as the "PRESTO YOUR BALD" weirdo barber from Child's Play III) and very pretty Ami Dolenz (from cinematic achievements such as Ticks and Witchboard II, you may believe I'm being sarcastic but I really do consider them cinematic achievements.) The guy who plays Danny Dixon is having a great time as a huge asshole. The rest of the cast is OK to hilariously bad (a guy has like maybe two words and he somehow makes it the most hilariously awful performance I've seen in a very long time)

FINAL VERDICT: This is definetly a downgrade from the original movie, however it's got enough sillyness and weird actors (I didn't even mention Bill Clinton's brother Roger Clinton in this damn movie! He plays the mayor! Do you think he ever did anything inappropriate with an intern???) to make it a fun watch. I will soon be delving into uncharted waters and I hope they are good to me. 

Movie Review #51: Pumpkinhead (1988)

 

Well I've decided to review a series. Like an entire series, because it's the hot thing that cool bloggers do, like Random Reviews. He reviewed every Puppet Master movie, yes even the one that's literally 94% stock footage of the earlier films. I recommend you check them out. He's a very fun fella and I like him. Anyway I didn't want to do a long series (I really do not want to talk about any Puppet Master movie after the fifth film and there's like eleven of those movies. Actually Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys was kinda fun). I mean no one wants to see me talk about Witchcraft 8: Witch Titties because it was literal soft core porn at that point. Soft core porn is kind of hard to review. It's absolutely hard to review at least 10 times. When did the Witchcraft movies become a soft core porn / horror series? 4th movie? 5th? I clearly felt that I had to pick a short series so I went with Pumpkinhead because I haven't seen the first two movies since I was a kid and I have never seen the last two movies. I think that works out pretty well. I don't know if I plan to review each one of these films in a row or what but hopefully I will discuss them during the rest of this month.

Pumpkinhead was a movie that like The Birds II - Land's End fascinated me as a child. I mean how could any child who liked monsters and horror and scares not be interested by this cover? Unlike The Birds II - Land's End. I rented Pumpkinhead right after I finished up the main 70s/80s horror series and didn't wait decades to check it out. I don't remember what I thought of the movie but fragments and scenes stuck in my mind so it did it's job as a memorable piece of horror fiction. What I do know now is that on second rewatch is that I should have watched this movie again way sooner because holy shit this is a great fucking horror film. It was directed by Stan Winston who did special effects for like fucking everything and honestly he should have gotten more movies to direct because this is not only a very good horror story but it's also a feast for the eyes. I love the set direction for so many moments in this film. The old wtich's house is fucking amazing looking. All swampy and shit. I also love the design of Pumpkinhead and I kinda wish his series was more than just four films.

The acting in this movie is fantastic. Like everyone in the film is at least pretty good. Lance Henrikson of Aliens, Terminator, and Man's Best Friend (the best movie about a killer cyborg dog ever!) is always fantastic in any role. I'm amazed it took till he was in his late forties before he got his starring role in this film. He's incredible as Ed Harley the man who seeks vengeance via Pumpkinhead and then regrets it. I'd rate the acting in this movie high if only for him. The next guy I want to talk about is George 'Buck' Flower. He would show up in so many weird movies, sometimes mainstream and sometimes a weird almost porno film. He made a fucking art form out of playing weirdo gross drunks and hillbillies. I love him and I was so happy when I got to see him in this film. I also liked the"jerk" character who actually ends up trying not to be so jerkish near the end of the film before uh he dies. It's actually a pretty unsettling and scary movie because you like these characters and don't want to see them get their faces eaten by Pumpkinhead. I mean several of them get fucked up but it's a monster movie. Someone's gotta get fucked up by the monster.

The plot is pretty good.  It takes place in a rural area and Ed Hartley and his Son Billy run a general store. Some random teens show up and two of them start dirt biking all over the place. One of them ends up hitting Billy and killing him. Even though the majority of the teens tried to help Billy, all Ed sees when he gets back is one of them watching over him. He believes they all hurt him and left. So Ed goes to find Haggis the Witch the get Pumpkinhead. It's a simple plot that is worked out very well. There are too many horror movies that try to go for a huge plot when simple is what works. We want a good set up to get invested in and a cool monster. That's it! There's nothing more we really need!

FINAL VERDICT: I had a great time with this flick and I can't wait to see how the second movie holds up or how the other two films are. I have a feeling I'm going to regret doing this quickly. 

Comic Review #66: Count Duckula #8 (1989)

 

Holy hot Hannah! I'm sorry if I promised a different review somewhere else but I was just reminded of this and well it's the perfect time of year to discuss a comic book like this. It was clearly tailor made for me. It's about a semi-obscure cartoon, a conservative dope reporter that I can make fun of, and it's a comic book! How is there anything more perfectly made for me? It'ts awesome. That's the reason I plan to review it. There's also another reason. After the next 3 Final Episodes go up I want to put that on hiatus until The Comic Review and Movie Review columns get up to the same number (#86 is where I will stop the Final Episode) and I'm sorry but Count Duckula just didn't make the final cut. Thankfully I still have this comic book so I can discuss it anyway!

Count Duckula for you out of the know was a cartoon series from the late 1980s. It started in 1988 and ended in 1993. It was joint created by Nickelodeon and Cosgrove Hall Studios in Great Britain. I could Count Duckula as the very first NickToon and I don't care what the rest of you hooligans think. I haven't seen too much of this show as an adult but I did really enjoy what I saw. It also has the greatest theme song ever and the greatest ending theme too. This is something I will not argue about ever. If you don't agree I don't care. Count Duckula ran on Thames Television (the British may call the river the Tames or Timmies or something else but damnit theres a H in there and in my house we respect the letter H so it's the damn Thames studio, you fucks). I don't know how many shows we brought over here from Thames Television but holy shit I remember the ident like there's no tomorrow. it is the best ident ever. 

I know I talked about Care Bears #1 and all that but I feel I should talk about Marvel and Star Comics and Licensed comics for a bit in this paragraph. Marvel got into making licensed comics in the late 1970s with Star Wars. It seemed the second they got Star Wars and it was a hit they tried every license in the universe. 1978 came Micronauts based of the toy line. ROM, Spaceknight over a short lived toy in 1979. Then came G.I. Joe in 1982. 1984 brought the world the sheer wild insanity of the Marvel Comics Transformers. So around this time they decide to give  licensing like every 80s cartoon they could under the sun. They even created a few new characters (some of these "new" characters were insane ripoffs of Harvey Comics. They even got sued) They put all of this stuff under an imprint called Star Comics. Star Comics gave us Care Bears, Top Dog, Heathcliff, Silverhawks, Visionaries, Master of the Universe and ThunderCats. I don't know if that's all of them but those are clearly the ones I think of right away. 

Now comes the paragraph where I talk about some of the people who made this comic book. The first guy is Michael Gallagher who wrote stories for I'm pretty sure for Care Bears, Top Dog, Heathcliff, Count Duckula and Alf. Yes I'll talk about the Alf comic book sometime after Halloween.  He also wrote for the early issues of Sonic the Hedgehog. He is also the nephew of the creator of Heathcliff. He is cool as hell. Warren Kremer did the art and it's nice and cartoony. Sadly he worked and created several Harvey Cartoon characters so I can never truly love him. Grace Kremer worked on this comic too and she might be related but I don't know. She also worked on some Ewoks and Droids. Bill Sinkevitch a very wild and out there artist on stuff like The New Mutants did some work as a inker. 

This comic starts with Geraldo Rivera and his film crew talking about Al Capon and what could be in this room he lived in! This is a big old take on his "Al Capone's Vault" special. He pretty much fucked up and not a single thing was in the vault. I would like have to seen that because it sounds pretty funny because Geraldo Rivera is kind of a doofus. He of course runs into Count Duckula who tells him that his Great Grandfather Count ChristopherDuckLee gave him a room. He uses it now to keep his salad oil safe. He says he is a  Vampire Duck which freaks Geraldo out. They end up going to the castle to meet Nanny and Igor. Igor tells Geraldo the story of how Count Duckula became a vegetarian vampire duck. It was because Nanny gave him Ketchup instead of Blood. Now Count Duckula likes heads of lettuce instead of human heads. Igor is very sad about this. Nanny is a big dumb brute. Think of a British Duck Hulk. 

Geraldo then says he should come on the Geraldo Show and talk about well being a vampire duck on his Halloween Special. We then see Doctor Von Goosewing who is very angry about a commercial for the upcoming special. Doctor Von Goosewing is the Van Helsing of the Count Duckula world. Count Duckula uses his castle to transport him and everyone else to New York. All of the New Yorkers there are stupid assholes and don't want to look at this cool castle that just appeared out of no where. New Yorkers, more like New Jerkers. Yeah I told them!

They find Geraldo and they start taping the show. His guests are Steven Kink (In his books the monsters and the main woman have sex) Elivrus (I assume she's like Elivra and Elvis. That would be cool actually!) , Roger Water Meterson (I don't know?!) and a special guest. The special guest turns out to be Count Duckula. Geraldo introduces him and then tells them they will get his story AFTER a word from out sponsors. After the commercials and Geraldo starts talking to Count Duckula, FUCKIN GOOSEWING jumps out from behind the special guest thing Duckula was behind earlier and causes a big ruckus. Trying to shoot Count Duckula with some stakes and EVEN Geraldo gets in on the fight. Nanny breaks Goosewings gun. Goosewing runs away and Igor fuckin breaks Geraldo's nose. 

Geraldo is informed that his other guests have run off and then asks what will go wrong next? The producer guy tells him that there are some technical difficulties and people want to see Geraldo. Oh man you know what happens! It turns out that since he is a vampire duck he cannot be seen in mirrors or on Video. This pisses Geraldo the FUCK off and he kicks Count Duckula and Igor out. He tries to kick Nanny out but breaks his foot. He then goes to tell his audience of weirdos who wanted to hear about  Steven Kink's weirdo stories about monster sex that there's no Halloween special now. Igor, Nanny and Count Duckula all go back to the castle. 

FINAL VERDICT: This comic is an incredible amount of fun. The art is very fun and expressive just like the cartoon. The comedy is pretty amusing but some of it misses. Still this is another really fun Star Comics Comic. Try saying that three times fast! 

Comic Review #65: Saga of the Swamp Thing #4 (1982)

 

I have to say something that is kinda shameful as a comics fan. Especially of Supernatural Superheroes like Swamp Thing here. I uh haven't read a lot of Swamp Thing. It is a blind spot for me, and this includes spinoff like titles like Constantine. I really seriously don't know why this is the case. I haven't read any of the original Swamp Thing series. I've read a few issues of the pre-Alan Moore issues in the Saga of the Swamp Thing series. I've read one Alan Moore trade, the uh, first one and a few random issues after that. I haven't read anything by Rick Veitch, Doug Wheeler, Nancy Collins, Grant Morrison or Mark Millar. I don't know if I even want to read the Mark Millar stuff.

So let's give some history to Swamp Thing. He first appeared in House of Secrets #92 that was published in July 1971. He was created by Len Wein and Bernie Wrightson. (Man-Thing was created and made his first appearance two months prior). They had to revamp the character due to things that happened in that story for the 1972 series. The 1972 Swamp Thing series had a somewhat different origin and stuff and this is the Swamp Thing that still gets used in DC stories today. Len Wein and Bernie Wrightson. They did 13 issues of the series and David Micheline and Gerry Conway took over for the last 12 issues. Swamp Thing then just became a guest star that would randomly show up until 1982 when Wes Craven made his Swamp Thing movie. DC decided to give Swamp Thing his second series and this is where he pretty much became the most popular Swamp Monster character thanks to a wild British man named Alan Moore.

However Alan Moore only got on board in 1984. Between 1982 and 1984, a man named Marty Pasko wrote the first two years of this series. I've always felt a little bad for Marty, he's stuck in between the creators original stories and the stories that breathed new life into the character and helped the series run for 171 flipping issues. His stories honestly get forgotten and usually trashed. I haven't read all of his stories but the ones I have read are great fun and shouldn't be forgotten or trashed. That's why I chose his stuff to write about. I've always liked Marty's stuff and felt that he should get his day in the sun. 

Saga of the Swamp Thing #4, "Into the White Room" is a wild fucking ride from start to finish It starts with a news reporter talking about the recent capture of a serial killer who targets children. They also talk about a mute girl. This mute girl apparently knows Swamp Thing! So yeah we get a scene of Uncle Barney (he had his own kids tv show too) talking to himself. Or that's what you'd think. It turns out that he's talking to the demon who possessed him and pretty much made him kill so that Barney could become a self assured human being and never take anyone's shit. Not a bad thing to wish for just make sure you don't have to kill any people over it. 

Anyway the demon pretty much turns Uncle Barney into dust and escapes. A reporter lady and her producer are at the police station and well the demon now takes over the producer. The producer goes after the mute child (who was also shown to have super powers because it's a comic book after all). The Demon Infused Producer man fights Swamp Thing and pretty much beats his ass. So you know this is a serious fucker. He gets away with the girl and after some searching Swamp Thing finds out they are in the slaughterhouse. Swamp Thing smashes into the window just to get his ass handed to him AGAIN, and shoved onto a meat hook like this was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or something.

However the Demon has mentioned stuff about cold so Swamp Thing takes a chance and tells the Demon to possess HIM which he does. The Producer guy falls down and his the switch the move the meat hooks into the freezer! Which destroys the Demon and sends him back to where ever he came from. Swamp Thing ends up getting taken into custody. It's weirdly amusing to see him strapped to a gurney and moved into a police car. 

FINAL VERDICT: I had a really fun time with this comic. You get swamp monsters! Mute children with super powers! Demons! It was a dark supernatural superhero comic and if it sounds like its your bag then I recommend checking it out.

Movie Review #50: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)

 

I had to do something somewhat special for my 50th movie review, so I decided that I had to discuss a Nightmare on Elm Street movie which somehow I had not done up to this point. I don't know who my favorite horror icon of the 1980s would be if you asked me today but when I was a kid it was Freddy Kreuger for the simple reason of he scared the fucking shit out of me. I was fine from Jason. He only killed people in Camp Crystal Lake and also Space and New York. I was never going to go to any of those places! I was fine with Leatherface because well they lived in Texas and I didn't even know where Texas was when I was 10 years old! Freddy however would get you in  your dreams and no matter how hard you tried you had to go to sleep sometimes. Scared the HELL out of me and I loved it. 

I will always hold a special place in my heart for those movies for that exact reason. They all scared the hell out of me, except New Nightmare. I didn't get any of that meta shit when I was like 10 and I still don't like that movie. The rest of them for all of their flaws I still enjoy watching today, not really scared of them but still can't get enough of them. I choose Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare because well I've been doing this "watch the most disliked movies in each popular franchise and review them for you fine people" for this Halloween for some reason. Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare is one of the most disliked Nightmare On Elm Street movies and I don't understand why. I think it's pretty good actually.

So the set up is this, 10 years from 1991, so 2001, Freddy Kreuger has killed every teenager and child in Springwood except for one, John Doe, he sends him off to help him find his daughter (John doesn't know this but still) and well he does and several other teens find their way to Elm Street too. Freddy Kreuger finally finds his daughter (whoops spoiler) and uses some new powers he's gotten for this movie to escape Springwood and go to a teen rescue shelter. It's up to Yaphet Kotto, this feisty chick named Tracy and Maggie (who is also Freddy's daughter!!!!) to take him down for good!

So here are the big things I like about this movie. I really enjoy for the most part all of the characters. Spencer is a fun drug user type character. Carlos is fun. Tracy is great. The interactions between all three of them are tons of fun. I enjoy Yaphet Kotto but to be fair I would enjoy that mumbly black man in anything. Period. Lisa Zane really should have been as popular as her brother Billy. She did voice the SHE HULK in the 1990s Incredible Hulk cartoon so that is pretty awesome!! Everyone does a fine job of acting. Except John Doe. This guy just seems out of it for the entire movie, like he's on more drugs than Spencer (did you know he played Jon Arbuckle in the Bill Murray Garfield movie? I thought you should know about that). Plus the character is a weird blank slate that isn't much fun to watch. He's a drag on the whole thing really (although some of the Nightmares hes in have funny moments like an old lady who tells him "Don't be a pussy" after he says hes afraid of heights.) When it comes to the characters and acting  well Robert Englund is clearly having the time of his life as Freddy Kreuger, doesn't matter if he's being scary or a big crazy murder clown. the man LOVES doing this.

Another problem I have with this movie is that I wish they had given Freddy a different death in this movie. They already used the "Let's bring him into the real world!" thing in the first movie. Didn't feel right just redoing for the last one. I guess I'm just a little picky. Anyway I don't know where else to mention this but Spencer plays a Tiger Electrionics Handheld and I just gotta say that Tiger Games sucked ass so badly. It was like a shitty game boy and we all knew it. Just give me $20 instead of that Tiger Handheld mom! Uh... yeah. I think this review is over.

FINAL VERDICT: I enjoy this film quite a bit. It's still a very enjoyable motion picture and I'm always up for watching it. I think to be fair that these days everyone shits on the remake (rightfully so) but I don't want to talk about that movie so I'm going to pretend it's 2002 and people are shitting on this movie so that making this blog post makes more sense.

Movie Review #49: The Birds II - Land's End (1994)

 

Let's go back to the day of the Video Store, the 1990s for a minute here. Let's talk about one of my favorite video stores as a child (we here in St. John's, Newfoundland surprisingly had a lot of them here), Allan's Video. Allan's Video had several locations but my favorite was the one on Highland Drive. It was next to the Sobeys and K-Mart (until like 1997 I think when K-mart went away). It was always a good time when we would go to Sobeys. When I got sick of looking around there, I still had the video store and the department store to look around. It was a weekly thing we'd do. Go get groceries and then look around K-Mart and the Video Store. Anyway Allan's Video had an awesome horror section. It was against the back wall and was on a giant shelf. Mostly horror movies (and wrestling! HI DOM!) were on this huge shelf. It was awesome. Right next to them was the Thriller section, and by that was the Comedy section. And the SNES games.

They would have a ongoing deal. It was 7 games or movies for 7 dollars and 77 cents. A movie would regularly cost you like 5 bucks so most of the time you knew you'd go for the deal just for the hell of it. One of the many many movies in the horror/thriller section that I would notice every time I went there would be The Birds II - Land's End. I never ever rented despite being sorta curious about it because well I had seventy seven thousand other awesome looking movies to rent. While I was curious about this movie you know it wasn't going to get rented before Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives. I think they got rid of said movie before I could even rent it. I actually believe it might have been the only place in town for you to get to rent The Birds II - Land's End. I had 7 choices but 3 of them would always end up being a Super NES game to play and I just couldn't ever talk myself into letting The Birds II - Land's End becoming one of those rentals.

So let's fast forward a few years, I get the internet and find even more movies to put on which I now call My Never Ending Movie List Which I Will Never Probably Complete. I shove The Birds II - Land's End on there because why not. I still don't try very hard to acquire a copy via either buying it on VHS or downloading a copy when that becomes viable. I just feel that I should end up seeing it one day. It's just not a "Oh man If I die without seeing Blood Cult then my life would have been in vain!" kinda situation really. The Birds II - Lands End is just very very low on that list. Sometime I believe in like 2011 I finally sit down and watch the original movie by Alfred Hitchpenis. It's very well made, tense as hell and legit makes Birds scary. Alfie was a talented movie man. He might have made it hard as hell on many of his actors like a loony fuck but he was damn talented. It's a shame so many talented people are also dickholes. Anyway It took me another decade to finally go "Fuck it I'll finally watch The Birds II- Land's End off the My Never Ending Movie List Which I Will Never Probably Complete." and there you have it. 

Was it worth it? Nope. I was not a fan of this movie, but had I rented it instead of A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors I would have been fucking livid. I would have probably brought my house down from my tantrum. Now I'm just bored and depressed and wished I had spent that hour and 22 minutes doing something else. I did so well let's discuss what doesn't work about this movie. The main problem is the 4 characters we spend the most time with are boring and played by people I'm sure they pulled off the street to act. Which ruins just about everything when you don't give a shit about any of them. That ruins any tense scene because you don't give a pigshit ass about the character thats in said tense scene. I'll give it to some of the secondary characters, they were actually kinda entertaining, like the asshole mayor but they sadly don't get enough time to shine.

This movie also takes way too long to get to the point. By the time crazy shit starts happening for real real it's like 50 minutes into this 82 minute movie. I just wish they had made a cheesy silly ass 90s animal attack movie instead of trying to be as good as the original, which wasn't gonna happen. Nothing against Rick Rosenthal, shit man I really like Halloween II A LOT, but you were going up against Alfie and that wasn't gonna work out for you. I honestly believe they should have just gone whole hog with this movie and made it ridiculous. Like get ostriches and pelicans and all kinds weird looking birds to go around messing people up. I'm pretty sure HBO (or Showtime or the Movie Channel or whatever channel put this out) just didn't pony up enough dough for that kinda movie. Yeah this was a made for cable movie. Are you surprised? Would it also surprise you to find out that Rick Rosenthal used the Alan Smithee pseudonym for directors of film and TV who aren't happy with their work? No I didn't think it would surprise you.

They also end up killing the dog in this movie and I don't like when they do that in movies that are actually well made, what makes you think I'll like it in this rubbish pile? I am not a fan of that. Poor Scout.  Oh I gotta talk to you guys about the ending which is so hilariously abrupt. The Family is under a boat in the water trying to stay safe from birds pecking at it until they just stop. The Family gets on the top of the overturned boat and watch the Birds fly off. One of hte kids asks were they are going and the dad goes THE MAINLAND!!! It's like they had to quickly finish off the movie but still had to put in that sequel stinger. Sadly The Birds III: Birds vs. New York never came to be.

FINAL VERDICT: That's all you really need to know about The Birds II - Land's End. Just stick with either the original movie or something silly and cheesy and let this boring pile of piss. I should have talked about Blood Cult instead.

TV You Forgot About #5: Family Matters - "Stevil" (October 25th, 1996)

 

You may be asking yourself "Wait, I don't remember a column named TV You Forgot About?! what the FUCK is going on here?" Well you see I had way back when this blog first started a column called "Obscure Holiday Specials" I've decided to just lump them in here. I figure most of them would make you go "wait they made that". This is for the tv shows that have dated poorly in ways that if you were to watch them today you'd go wait what? It came to me when I was watching a youtube video in which a guy was talking about a gay episode of Marcus Welby M.D. where Marcus Welby actually cured the man of those vicious gay thoughts of his. I thought to myself "holy hot fuck I gotta review that" Stuff like that will be covered under this column. Just a tv show episode that you somehow forgot about that is actually relatively interesting to me. So expect things that you wanted to forget and things that you did in fact forget. 

I've decided for the rebranding of this I should talk about some weird Halloween episodes since you know October. The first thing my mind goes too when I think weird is the 1989 - 1998 television series Family Matters. For those born past the year 2000 and are some how reading this blog that discusses things that mostly came before that year. Family Matters was a family TV sitcom around an African American family known as the Winslows. It was about the troubles and positive happy moments of their lives. Then they added a character that was intended to be a minor reoccurring character. This character was named Steve Urkel, he became so popular that he took over this show. A show that went from sometimes tackling serious issues like racism or police harassing African Americans to a show where Carl Winslow (the dad) and Steve Urkel would end up on American Gladiators for some wacky antics. 

Steve Urkel pretty much made the show and you know you are watching something from the 1990s when they mention Urkel. He was beloved. He even had his own talking doll. We reserved Talking dolls only for the most important people in our society. Like Freddy Krueger, Ernest P Worrell, Pee Wee Herman, Looney Tunes, The Nanny or The Cryptkeeper. You see Urkel was so popular he got to get into that coveted group. I wish I could have a talking doll made out of me. Alas that dream will probably never come to go. So yes he was very popular yet no one has made a listicle of "Weird shit Steve Urkel did on the TV Show Family Matters" at least I don't think they have. You see Steve got into a lot of wild antics. He somehow got into a Mortal Kombat ripoff game they were playing. He Made a robot called Urkelbot. He went back in time. He shrunk himself and Carl. He played basketball with Grandma. Grandma was a crossdressing basketball player, like a real famous one I believe.

Now that's all I can remember, not mentioning his machine that turned him into the smooth and cool and suave Stefan Urquelle. I think that's how you spelt it. I really don't know. (This machine also turned him and several other characters into Bruce Lee. Yes really) They clearly had fun with coming up with weird things Steve Urkel had done. Some people complain that he ruined Family Matters turning it into a crazy show, I say he made it something memorable. Family Matters would not be remembered as well as it is these days if it weren't for that rascal Steve Urkel. Every kid loved him. He was our hero and we couldn't get enough of him.  

Now you are wondering what they could do for a Halloween episode of Family Matters. Well killer dolls and puppets were things that were popping up all over horror movies in the 1990s. They had been popular in decades before but they REALLY popped up during the 1990s. It was weird. So that's what they did. They had Steve Urkel being harassed by a crazy doll. It happened in a little episode called "Stevil" and it came to us via ABC on October 25th, 1996. It changed my life forever.

So the episode starts up with Steve Urkel (who now during the 8th season just lives with the Winslows for some reason. I wonder if they even gave a reason) and he brings down a ventriloquist dummy he created.  He does a terrible set with the dummy and the only person who laughs at the joke is Grandma Winslow who was a nice old lady. He goes up to his room that he shares with Eddie now to sulk. Steve is not happy. We then see Eddie and then LIGHTNING hits the dummy. Like cheap ass special effects lightning. it is amazing. Steve then sees the dummy walking and talking and he tries to get the Winslows to believe him. None of them do and tell him to go get some relaxation. He goes back to his room after being scared by the dummy locking the door, putting a chair up against it and taping the door shut. I mention that because it was my favorite gag in the episode. 

The Dummy goes into his room via the window and tells him that he plans to take out the Winslows. Steve calls him evil and the Dummy likes that and I can finally start calling him Stevil instead of the Dummy. Urkel runs down stairs to Carl to tell him now to worry because he put Stevil in a trunk. We then see 3J and Little Richie go out for Halloween. Then Stevil escapes his trunk very easily. You know for a genius Urkel is kind of a dope. Anyway We then see Stevil get into the chimney and taunt Eddie by saying hes stuck in there (Eddie's response of Santa? was my second favorite joke of this episode if you really wanted to know) He pulls Eddie up the chimney when he comes to look.

Then we go to 3J and Little Richie trying to outrun Stevil on their bikes. Stevil is driving Urkel's Goofy VW Bug. I'm sure it has it's name but I don't care enough about cars to know it or even find it. Fuck cars. Except the transforming kind. He and Urkel end up in his room again and BLAM Stevil shows him that 3J and Little Richie are now stuck in his wall! Their heads come out of cutout above these two basketball players. He then tells them he'll be back and runs down stairs. Stevil is there waiting for him in the kitchen. Stevil makes a joke about Laura and shelves and Urkel looks in there and we see Laura in three segments in three different shelves in the pantry. He then opens up a Jack in the Box and he finds that Stevil has turned Harriet into said Jack in the Box. He then shoves Stevil into the fridge.

However that doesn't stop Stevil as he breaks out through the behind of the fridge and wall and everything. Stevil is a tough mother fucker and he could hold his own against Chucky and the Puppets from Puppet Master. We then see Carl pretending that there's nothing wrong until STEVIL lets him pass out. That's right Carl Winslow is now a Puppet for Stevil! Stevil then tells a terribly corny joke. Stevil also lets Urkel in on his evil master plan which is for them to go on the road together as a ventriloquist act except Urkel will be the Dummy. However Urkel finally decides to fight him. He actually rips his arms legs and head off. Urkel sits down and wonders what he's gonna do to help the Winslows before he realizes Stevil can pull himself together. Stevil then jumps on the tired Urkel and we find out that this is all a dream. 

Urkel talks to Eddie who tells Urkel that he has bad dreams all the time close to holidays. Like when he dreamed the Easter Bunny smacked him silly. Eddie then also tells him he's a perfectionist and that he was worried about not being perfect with the dummy. Urkel asks him if he needs therapy and Eddie says he just needs a little treatment. The treatment Eddie has in mind is to use egg beaters to kill Urkel! I was legit going WHAT THE FUCK at this part of the episode until it was shown to be a dream within a dream. He wakes up AGAIN and Eddie is not murder happy so Urkel realizes he's safe. We then get to see some behind the scenes stuff on the episode which was really cool. 

FINAL VERDICT: This is a fun Halloween episode that if you enjoy Family Matters you should enjoy watching. All the characters feel like themselves and it's very enjoyable. A lot of fun jokes and moments and it feels like you are watching this weird G rating slasher film. It also had Timmy from Passions playing Stevil in the walking scenes. Anything that makes me able to mention that cracked out soap opera is worth all the gold in El Dorado. 

Comic Review #64: Batman & Dracula: Red Rain (1991)

 

Batman might be the hero that works best with horror. I mean he's been a vampire several times (once in actual pre-crisis continuity!) He routinely fights Mad Scientists that create Monster Men, A Killer Crocodile Man, A Killer Clay Man (actually several killer clay men. and also a clay lady), a woman who loves plants and also loves creating Plant Monsters (plant monsters are very underrated and should show up more often in things.) Like I don't even have to tell you there was a comic where Batman Fought Dracula. You already knew it existed because it made perfect sense for it always to exist. Batman and horror works very well.

Batman & Dracula: Red Rain is an Elseworlds story made in 1991. 30 damn years ago. Can you believe that? Wild. Anyway this comic was brought to us by Doug Moench and Kelley Jones who I have already talked about on my blog before. I am a fan of both fellas and I gotta say that this might be their best work together. It is absolutely hog wild crazy. I think that's what I like about Elseworlds, they were willing to go hog wild crazy. What If would sometimes go for nuts but a lot of the time the alternative universes were only a little bit different. Not that I don't enjoy What If. I just like that Elseworlds is willing to go to crazy town. 

Anyway the story involves Gotham having a bunch of homeless people dying, having their throats slit and having being drained of blood. You know it ain't good news when that happens! At the same time Batman as Bruce Wayne is dreaming of a sexy lady we find out is a vampire. She has the power to get into his dreams. She is also going up against DRACULA. I mean it's not that much of a surprise that he's in this story. They really should have called it Red Rain. Still I'm not gonna complain to much. Batman is attacked and is feeling different. He's also showing issues with his back. I was at first like why are they talking about his back but the second time it came up I was like OH SHIT ARE THEY GOING TO GO THERE? And yes, they do. They turn him into a literal BATman. It's amazing. I loved it. He ends up needing to BLOW STATELY WAYNE MANOR THE FUCKING SHIT UP.

Of course Batman fights Dracula and the fight between them is great. I love how Kelley Jones draws Dracula in his Bat form. It's really cool. The story ends with Batman fully a vampire and having to be kept in a coffin. Bruce Wayne is dead. There is only THE BATMAN. I loved that they actually went all the way and made Batman a vampire. Not going OH HE'S A VAMPIRE NOW BUT WE GOT A CURE so we'd get a happy ending. I like when these alternative universe stories just end on a bummer or somewhat of a bummer. Batman honestly feels pretty good seeing as the Vampire lady created a blood substitute so he doesn't have to drink human blood. So there's a little bit of a cop out I guess. They did two sequels to this story and I would like to check them out.

FINAL VERDICT: If you like Batman, alternative universe, Dracula, horror, or vampires you really need to pick this comic up for your collection. It's a very fun and wild story. It's not very hard to find or ever very expensive. I think I paid $15 to get all 3 Batman Vampire Elseworlds. That's not bad seeing as these are big thick comics. At least 60 something pages. It's definitely worth $5 if you come across it. The only problem is that some of the art feels a little rushed and could have been better but 95% of it is pretty great. I like how Kelley Jones gives Batman these giant huge ass bat ears on his cowl. It's a hoot. 

Movie Review #48: Poltergeist III (1988)

 

You know sometimes I feel like I'm too lenient on Hollywood films because I watch a lot of movies that were filmed in backyards and wooded areas by people who should have been put in a mental instutition instead of getting to film movies. Like films made by legit crazies. I've also seen an insane amount of movies that barely have endings. Like they ran out of money and had to have the most abrupt endings possible. A lot of fun can be had with cheesy B-movies but you do end up having to wade through a lot of junk. So a Hollywood movie comes along and the movie is coherent and has a beginning, middle and end and I'm like HOT DOG I'M EATIN TONIGHT! Sometimes I just feel like sometimes I'm too lenient. Sometimes I feel that people who trash some of these Hollywood movies haven't even seen them. I'm pretty sure the good amount of people that shit on this movie haven't even seen it. They just go OH CRITIC MAN SAID IT WAS BAD or IT DIDNT MAKE A BAZILLION DOLLARS. you know what did make a bazillion dollars, those fucking Transformers movies that just shit all over the Transformers. This is the worst opening paragraph I have ever written.

So yeah I recently rewatched this for the first time since I was a kid. When I was a kid I believe I saw Poltergeist and Poltergeist III. It took me quite some time before I could see Poltergeist II: The Other Side. The Video stores around here had a weird selection of stuff. It was pretty awesome at some times but pretty annoying other times. Anyway enough about that let's get into the many reasons I enjoy this film. First off the acting is really great. Sure we don't get Craig T Nelson any more but we get Tom Skerritt and Nancy Allan in return. I don't know about you but I think that's a pretty fair trade. They play Carol Anne's aunt and uncle. or stepuncle. or something like that. They have a teenage daughter. She has the hots for some dorky lookin' dude. Also that wonderful dwarf woman returns. I love her. The new change of arena from a regular house to a big ass apartment building is neat. There's also all kinds of wonderful 1980s effects. You can have your CGI they will never beat practical 80s effects!! The plot also moves at a good pace, never feeling to slow or to fast. So many movies feel like they don't know where they want to go and so many feel like they want to get the entire thing over with.

I do have some qualms with this movie. I know, I'm shocked too that Poltergeist III isn't a perfect piece of cinema. One has to do with Carol Anne's parents sending her to a school for troubled but intelligent children. The therapist is all NO SHE DIDNT SEE GHOSTS ITS ALL MASS HYSTERIA and I would have just liked a scene of him saying he contacted her parents after hearing about what happened and got them to think she really did know how to pull off mass hysteria or something. It just feels like they forgot about that one little thing. There's also later on in the movie where Nancy Allan just wants to give up Carol Anne to the ghosts to get back her daughter. I can get her shitty reaction because she's all in a damn ghost attack of sorts but I don't know if it's done the best way it could have been. Still I'll take a movie with some problems over a movie that has seventy seven trillion problems. 

FINAL VERDICT: Yeah, I think I might have ended up liking this movie more than Poltergeist II: The Other Side but I'd probably have to rewatch that one to find out. I know for certain I enjoyed this movie more than the remake of Poltergeist. I legit forgot they even remade Poltergeist and I saw the damn remake. That's never a good sign.

Comic Review #63: Captain America #402 - 408 (1992)

 

I'm sure there's been a case of this for every person out there. You hear of something being awful and terrible and the worst thing ever, but you end up watching/reading/whatever that thing out and you go "what the hell? this was great fun!" and you wonder if anyone actually read or watched the thing. I'm always willing to give a reviled thing a shot because I honestly believe a lot of people just go OH I HEARD IT SUCKS SO I GUESS IT DOES when it comes to a lot of things that are reviled and hated. Like it seems more people have read this story than people who read Captain America comics in the 1990s period! Yeah this story is silly but you haven't read my blog if you think I desire only the most serious Superhero fiction.  

So yeah, as you can see this is me talking about the Captain America story CapWolf. Yes the one where he becomes a Werewolf. You knew I had to discuss this one for The Really Cool And Super Awesome and  Spooky And Scary and Terrifying and Great Halloween Super Spectacular that I am running all the way through to November! I mean how the hell could I not discuss this story? It's over the top and silly and CAPTAIN AMERICA BECOMES A WEREWOLF. Like seriously I'm sorry but this story is better than every single X-Men comic published between 1992 and 1999. I haven't even read them all but I know this one is superior.

This was during the late 80s and early 90s when most of the series would have a 6 part story during the Summer/Fall months. It happened in Spider-Man for many stories and it happened in Avengers for only like one story. I don't believe it happened in Iron Man or Fantastic Four. It was weird what series got the 6 parter epic. Anyway, Captain America got a few, one involving the Bloodstone ruby (which first brought the character Crossbones into the Marvel Universe) and another where he had to fight every lady supervillain on a boat and they even tried to turn him and Paladin into ladies. I love comic books. The best and most serious literature.

The six parters pretty much ended with a Spider-Man story in like 1993 I want to say. Where he fought the Spider-Slayers. CapWolf was the last six parter Captain America had during this time and boy howdy it goes out on a BANG. Our story is brought to us by Mark Gruenwald who knew more about the Marvel Universe than any other person past or present. The man could remember every single character period, no matter how obscure. Knew the name of like every alien race that appeared in the comics and when you realize that Stan Lee would put in a new alien race in like every early story for any character than you know he has a lot to remember. He was a really good comic writer and the first half of his Captain America run was recently used as a stepping off point for that Falcon and the Winter Soldier show I haven't watched because the MCU is boring to me now. They'd never let Captain America be a werewolf. Sadly Mark Gruenwald died at the very young age of 43 in 1996. This comic was drawn by Rik Levins and I believe I've already talked about him. It's hard to remember really.

You know this is a 1990s story when Mr. Wolverine shows up before the main character of the comic. Haha. Some guy got attacked by a Werewolf and Wolverine shows up to sniff his blood. We then go to the Avengers headquarters. The place where they work out so they can be in tip top shape to fight bad guys and everything that comes their way. Cap is trying to get D-Man, a minor character from the comic to respond to his comments but he won't. He goes to talk to Black Widow and she says he must be in shock from whatever happened to him in the Artic. Cap says he's gonna get Doctor Kincaid to come and give him a once over. They talk about how John Jameson, Captain America's pilot and also astronaut and also WEREWOLF HIMSELF has gone missing. They also hear about the Half Man half wolf creature that attacked the man Wolverine was sniffing. What a weird sentence.  Cap then goes to some lady doctor and finds out that the gem that turns John Jameson into Man-Wolf has gone missing!

Cap then goes to see J. Jonah Jameson himself and I like this scene. It shows that J. Jonah Jameson himself actually respects Captain America. And is now very worried about his son. Cap then tries to find Dr. Strange but he's not responding to calls so he has to go find Dr. Druid, a character I like about as much as I like Deadpool. He is bad. He is a jerk. He fucked up and I'm pretty sure helped get Marrina from Alpha Flight killed. I liked her. She was an alien that lived in Newfoundland! so fuck Dr. Druid right in the dick. I do like how they go looking for Werewolves and one like beats the shit out of him. It's great. Cap however fights the Werewolf off like a champ and thinks it may be John Jameson, however a character that we will learn is named Moonhunter and looks very silly and 1992 jumps into the fray capturing the Wolf. That's part one of this story.

Part Two is a pretty action packed piece. It has Captain America fight Moonhunter, but he gets away. They find out that the Werewolf  Captain America fought was called Ferocia and she was from the province of K'Lun or however the hell you spell that. The place Iron Fist got his Iron Fist powers. Apparently the moongem has been restored by the bad guy of our story AND is bringing all the werewolves in the Marvel universe to them. There are a lot of Werewolves in the Marvel Universe apparently. Anyway Wolverine is scrounging around town and gets into a fight with like 82 Werewolves. He tries his hardest to beat them but gets his ass knocked out. We also find out that Nightshade, a cool black lady villain is working with the big bad of this story. To turn this entire town in to Werewolves. So he can take over the world or something.  This issue ends with Captain America and the NEW YOUNG HIP Dr. Druid (who still sucks) having to fight off a bunch of werewolves.

They fight the Werewolves until Dr. Druid can pull off one of his invincibility spells. Also  mask their scents because the Werewolves can smell em. Dr. Druid doesn't bathe much because no one in the Marvel universe likes him all that much. However the bad guys have got Wolverine under their spell due to hypnotism or something like that. Wolverine ends up fighting Captain America and it's pretty awesome. However Cap loses the fight and ends up on Dr. Nightshade's table where she says he wont be able to stop her mutagens this time! Part Four has Captain America finally turn into a Werewolf and he kind alooks adorable. Like he's more of a Weredog than a Werewolf. It's great and I love it. He ends up escaping from the bad guys and they send all the werewolves and Wolverine and Moonhunter out to get him but he realizes even in his Weredog form that the only way to get back to human is to get Dr. Nightshade to do it. Dredmund Druid beats the shit out of Dr. Druid in a fancy magic battle. I already like this guy a lot now.

Oh shit this is where the stuff gets GOING! Captain America is put in the Punishment pit and well it also turns out that Wolfsbane from the New Mutants is in there too. I guess she went after the Moongem too. She pretty much makes it so Captain America can talk in Wolf-form. He THEN proceeds to let out this big speech but it's still very dog-esque. It's hard to explain but it's hilarious and I love it. Even as a werewolf Captain America won't stop making speeches. It's great. We then get Dredmund talking about he's going to kill Dr. Druid at midnight and sadly I'm sure he doesn't get the chance. Cap does get all the other werewolves to join him and escape. We also find out that Cable and Shatterstar are going to look for Feral, yet another Werewolf lady. I did not realize Marvel Comics had so many sexy I mean completely normal werewolf ladies.

They find Moonhunter and Nightshade and as Werewolves pretty much kick the shit out of them. We learn that Jack Russell (yes thats his name) The Werewolf By Night is the character whos helping unwillingly turn everyone into Werewolves via his blood. They chuck Moonhunter right in the PUNISHMENT PIT and before they can tie Nightshade down to a table she yells about Dr. Druid so Cap goes to save him. However he's already gotten his throat slit and it's washed the Moongem so that Dredmund can be in full control of his new found wolf powers. So he becomes  STAR WOLF and I love the design. It's very cosmic space-y shit. It's great stuff. The pit wolves that are now CapWolf's friends are led by Werewolf By Night to fight Starwolf's wolves. I wonder how many times I've typed Wolf or Wolves in this review. I bet it's a lot. 

Cable comes by and just knocks out Feral. I get the feeling Mark Gruenwald was told to put Feral and Shatterstar and Cable into this story and he's like FINE and knocks her out in like 1 panel. It's great. Cable shows up and tries to be cool and Cap fights him and they get stuck in a damn carpet. Then almost crushed by two tons of stone. Moonhunter escapes and Wolverine is let free. He helps Captain America and Cable escape (Captain America held up the tons of stone with what else, his shield. Wolverine throws Captain America at StarWolf and Captain America rips the Moongem out of his throat. Cable stomps on it. Dredmund complains that Wolverine and Moonhunter betrayed him but Moonhunter is like "Dickhead you mind controlled us" and Wolverine says he likes Captain America's new look. Oh and Dr. Nightshade was turned into a werewolf and is now working on a cure.

So the final part of this story is also a crossover into Infinity War, one of the sequels to the Infinity Gauntlet (in the top 3 of Marvel crossover events ever). Infinity War the main story is actually pretty decent but this Crossover is kinda lame. Dr. Druid who somehow came back to life and Captain America as a wolf who got the cure that was made and is turning back into his human self have to fight a crazy evil Captain America doppleganger. I really think it's the overuse of crossovers that ruin a big event a lot of the time. Infinity Gauntlet didn't have many crossovers, you could have easily read the entire story there. Infinity War had 3220 crossovers and you just felt like the entire thing was bloated. Uh I haven't read Infinity Crusade so expect an article on that for my blog sometime in the year 2032. I'll probably still be doing this blog then and portnoyd will be complaining about it.

FINAL VERDICT: I enjoyed this story the first time I read it and I still enjoy it immensely the second time. Some of the art does feel rushed at times but this was a story that had to come out every two weeks. Not gonna get to angry because that's a lot less time to do the art for the story. Either way, Cap Wolf himself is weirdly adorable and I would give him a hug. 

The Final Episode #83: Ghostbusters (Filmation) (1986)

 

Several months ago, like when this blog was brand spanking new, I had a series of blog posts where I would review TV shows. I don't do that anymore because it's kinda pointless as the Final Episode is also kind of a review of the tv series overall. I do actually plan to bring that back to discuss some VERY short lived shows or stuff I cannot find the Final Episode of. I'm mentioning this too you because I asked for recommendations of shows to review. I got a few from a SWELL FELLOW NAMED DAMIEN. I don't think I ever did any of his recommendations because I'm an asshole. I realized I wanted to keep this one for the Really Cool, Super Great, Awesome as fuck, SCARIEST THING YOU'LL EVER SEE, Halloween Spectacular. Cuz it had ghosts and stuff in it. It didn't take a lot to get on my hey I could do this for Halloween list. The other reason is if I don't do what the people want AS SOON AS POSSIBLE my brain will then decide that I have to discuss something else like Babar the Elephant and it will stick in my brain for a very long time. 

Now it's time to discuss information that you all know ab out this show. This was Filmation's (you know Fat Albert, He-Man, She-Ra, BraveStarr) Ghostbusters series that they put out after the movie was such a hit. Filmation could do this because they had a live action tv series called Ghostbusters in the 1970s. It was actually somewhat successful for Filmation. They just didn't do a second series because they only had enough money for a second series of either Ghost Busters or Shazam. Anyway they still had the rights for the name and it caused a big old kerfuffle. Filmation got some money and yet still went out of business only a few years later. Anyway, they decided that it was time to ape the other Ghostbusters series called The Real Ghostbusters, so the kids can know that those are the ones from the movie they probably shouldn't have been able to see (it was like rated R wasn't it?) although to be fair the Filmation Ghostbusters are the REAL Ghostbusters as they got their first, but are they the BEST Ghostbusters?

This show had the sons of the Ghostbusters from the original series and the gorilla (yes a gorilla was a ghost buster in the original series) teaming up with a reporter lady, a future lady and a car that could talk and also change into a plane fight Prime Evil (who was a robot skeleton in a cool robe and yes he was voiced by Alan Oppenheimer who also voiced Skeletor. He was also the voice for Alistar Crane in Passions. I will take every chance I can to mention Passions.) The show ran for 65 days from September 8th to December 5th, 1986. That's no joke only 5 days before the Real Ghostbusters series. It's the reason this one is getting done first. The show was distributed by Tribune Distribution. The same company that distributed Geraldo, T&T, and Soul Train. When someone goes off about how the past only had the most intelligent and series fare for us to watch, bring up Soul Train. It was a show about black people dancing that literally lasted for three and a half decades. And yes the only reason I brought up the distribution company was so that I could make that sad attempt at a joke.

The Final Episode of Filmation's Ghostbusters aired on December 5th and was entitled "The Way You Are" and was directed by someone named Rich Trueblood. I bet he's a vampire. It was written by J. Larry Carroll who wrote a movie for Charles Band AND Tourist Trap alongside like 9,000 cartoon episodes. He is my new favorite person. Sorry Rich Trueblood. Anyway the episode starts out with Eddie, Jake and Tracy trying to catch a sexy lady ghost. This ghosts name is apparently Apparitia. She makes me feel things in my underwear. Uh She was voiced by Linda Gary who voiced a lot of characters from Filmation shows. She's joined by Fib Face who was voiced by Lou Scheimer. You know one of the dudes that ran the studio. Eddie fucks up and causes them to land in a chasm but Jake literally pulls out a damn gun and shoots fuckin bubble gum at these ghosts. You'd think the Gum would go right through them but I'm clearly overthinking a children's television show from three and a half decades ago. Uh, the two of them get gummed and frozen. Sending them back to Hauntquarters (what a cool name).

Back at Hauntquarters Prime Evil has a freak out because he wants the Ghostbusters destroyed. A weird looking skeleton man with a fucking monocle comes in and says OLD CHAP I DO SAY I WILL DESTROY THEM GHOSTBUSTERS FOR YOU. actually he doesn't say that but I do believe everyone with a monocle should be British. That's why the monopoly man does not have one. He's a true blue blooded AMERICAN DAMNIT!  Anyway he asks to use Castle Blackstone to do the destroying. He knows that there's a Wizard at that castle. The Should Be British Skeleton goes off and Prime Evil and Brat-A-Rat (a weird lizard rat creature) is sent to go after him. Prime Evil doesn't believe in no wizard but he wants to make sure. 

Eddie looks over Ghost Command while the gang goes off to see a movie. It's apparently a movie that Eddie enjoyed. Anyway just after they leave The Should Be British Skeleton just calls up fuckin Eddie and gets his dumb ass to go to Castle Blackstone. Doesn't even call the other Ghostbusters. Of course he gets there and is turned into a fucking icicle. The other Ghostbusters come back from the movie and THEY go to Castle Blackstone just to get turned into icicles too. Fucking PRIME EVIL shows up and pretty much fucks up the Should Be British Skeleton after he messes with Brat A Rat. I don't know why he even bothered to send Brat A Rat if he was gonna show up too. Prime Evil is a weirdo. He is very happy that the Ghostbusters are in bad shape but he realizes that Eddie has escaped.

Prime Evil sends for ALL the Ghosts that show up in this show. I like the scared skeleton and the totally cool werewolf with the best name ever FANGSTER. Eddie finds the Wizard who apparently just lives in a painting that goes to a entire different world. I don't know why the Wizard even keeps Castle Blackstone around. I guess it's because Castle Blackstone is too cool looking to get rid off. Eddie wants to become a superhero and after trying to get him to realize that it's okay to make mistakes and your friends will still care about you the Wizard turns him into a superhero. Super Eddie then goes around kicking the fucking SHIT out of everything. They get stuck and are about to be squished by the old walls moving in between each other like every cartoon ever made. Anyway Super Eddie pretty much pushes the wall back so hard that it knocks the ghosts out. They were pulling some kind of pully system to get the wall to squish the guys. Prime Evil has everyone run like babies.

Jake, Tracy and the Lady Reporter all freak out about where Eddie is and Eddie realizes that he has to become Eddie again. He runs off to the wizard. The episode ends and we get our little moral PSA that ended like a shit ton of 80s cartoons. This one talks about being yourself even if yourself is a big dumb idiot who always fucks shit up. Just own being that big dumb idiot that always fucks shit up. The episode ends.

FINAL VERDICT: I had a really good time watching this show. Filmation shows have a weird charm to them that I can't help but enjoy. I don't know if it's the voice acting (which is top notch) or the weird backgrounds (Castle Blackstone is really fucking cool looking). I don't know if this will top the Real Ghostbusters Final Episode but it's still a worthy Final showing for a fun cartoon.

Movie Review #47: Amityville Dollhouse (1996)

 

I've always had a soft spot for this franchise. It reminds me of one of my old classmates named Adam White from St. Paul's Junior High way back in late 1990s. I remember I would talk up all the horror films I watched in our little class of special ed students (I was there because I was very lazy and didn't want to be in school. I don't really want to get into any more right now) and he mentioned this movie to me. So I went and found pretty much every movie in that series that was available to rent in my area. Amityville II: The Haunting was the one that took the longest for me to watch. Actually Amityville: A New Generation was the one that took me the longest to watch because I still haven't seen it. It was one I could have rented though. Not a single video store had part II. Which is still really weird because it was probably one of the best entries.

So this movie is based around some real life events so I figure we might as well discuss them because it feels weird that we don't. On November 21st, 1974. Ronald DeFeo Jr. killed his father, mother, two sisters and two brothers. It doesn't stop there. In December of 1975 the Lutz Family decides to move in. They last about 18 days before they leave the house due to ghostly happenings. It becomes a huge fucking thing and books and talk shows go hog wild for it. In 1979 American International Pictures puts out the original film. 

The Amityville Horror is a weird franchise in that it honestly is two franchises in one. You have the one that has some attempts to feel like they are in the same franchise and you have the movies made after 2011. You see Amityville is the name of a town and you cannot copyright or patent that. So ANYONE can use the name Amityville for their movie regardless of how well it connects to the rest. That's how there are twenty five fucking Amityville movies. I am going to make an Amityville movie. It will be called Amityville Anal Fucker. It will take place no where near Amityville and won't even be a haunted house film. It will be about a guy who just likes to fuck people up the ass. 

So how does Amityville Dollhouse, the 8th film in the franchise stack up? Well I loved it. I really enjoyed the three movies where some random item from the Amityville house is given to someone and it causes havok. They had to do this because in the 3rd movie I believe the damn house explodes or something. They were all about "YEAH THIS IS THE LAST MOVIE IN THIS HORROR FRANCHISE REALLY TOTALLY GUYS" until they realized they could make more money with them. Face it Hollywood snob types. People dig this shit and I'm gonna say it, horror movies are better than most oscar winners. Most oscar winners are boring horseshit for people who enjoy the smell of their own farts. Fuck em.

This movie has EVERYTHING. It's got a zombie dad coming back from the grave (and looking worse each time he shows up). Your usual hapless dad, a small doll house of the Amityville house (it looks so cute!), evil demons, pseudo-incest, the mean sister from That 70s Show.  A giant mouse, demons, a biker dude who deals in magic that stops demons, a weird nerdy kid, a totally to cool for school 1990s Gen X teenager cool fucking effects, weird looking bugs, it's a one stop shop! It's very entertaining. All of that stuff gets some time to shine and honestly the acting is good, the characters are a lot of fun and I just dug the hell out of this silly ass movie.

There's really nothing new about the plot. The stepdad finds the Amityville Dollhouse and it starts to fuck up his family. The mother now wants to write Step by Step erotic fanfiction. The dad is coming back to the nerdy kid trying to get him to kill the stepdad. The biker and the stepdad's sister are magical psychic weirdos who talk about chakras. They think something is up with the dollhouse. You know, your usual haunted house shenanigans. It's just the strength of the acting and budget for cool shit to happen that makes this movie fun. 

FINAL VERDICT: This movie is very 1990s and I can't deny that there's nostalgia here but I believe there's enough spooky fun for this to be a movie you should watch this Halloween. I'm sure I will end up discussing one of the 16 Amityville Horror movies that have been made between 2011 and 2021. It will not be fun.