Movie Review #54: Girls Gone Dead (2012)

 

Sweet baby Jesus It's been quite some time since I've seen a movie as bad as this one. I was again looking for some dumb entertainment but I didn't get the entertainment part. I found this movie out by checking through letterboxd, and saw someone's star and a half review for this movie and it said it had Linnea Quigley in it. It also had Jerry "The King" Lawler in it. So I figured well this should be good for some dumb fun. I uh, also thought it was a zombie film because of Dead in the title. It's actually a slasher film. An incredibly bad slasher film. Possibly one of the worst. Let's get in on this review.

First off the plot is rehashed from about 32 other slasher films that did the plot way better. I don't care if you rehash a plot just add something fresh to the whole thing. This movie did not. This movie has several girls going to a "girls gone wild" thing. well they actually go close to it. One of the girls mom doesn't like this (yes she turns out to be one of the killers). It's threadbare and does nothing new, fun or interesting with the whole religious crazy person hates sinful things trope. That's been done better in about well 32 other films. 

This movie also thinks its funny and it really really isn't. One of the jokes is some girl turns on a golf channel and the show is called Fairway and Grounds and they have letters F a and G all a different color. It's like yes show us this edgy joke of yours. you know the one that was done better in I think it was Team America World Police. I'm not going to cry about edgy jokes in general, I'm just going to cry when they are poorly done and very annoying. This is probably one of the best jokes in this movie. One joke or at least I think it was supposed to be a joke I'll give them credit for is when Jerry "The King" Lawler literally pulls off a wrestling move on the killer just out of nowhere. It didn't make me laugh but it did make me go "What the fuck" because it was so out of place. 

The acting is really bad except for Linnea Quigley who seems to be having fun in her sadly much too small role. Everyone else seems to be bored to tears to be acting like they aren't even trying. they don't try to go over the top, or anything. It's like "oh I'm in a movie. Cool" it's really bad. The only main cast member that even tries is the "dummy" character you see in a lot of movies. She actually got a smile out of me once or twice. I mean even if the script of this movie was the funniest thing ever filmed it would still be poor comedy because 98% of the cast didn't care enough to act.

Another thing that this movie does poorly is the killer reveal. For like several reasons. One it literally shows the mother back at the house while people are being killed. Okay you're like okay she can't be a part of this because she's at her house at least an hour away. Nope, she turns out to be one of the two killers and I was like oh wow way to throw that pointless red herring in there at the last second you dipshits. Oh I did say there was two killers the other killer is the main girls ex-boyfriend who is really keen on Jesus. This guy is your usual comedic LOL HES REALLY INTO JESUS SO HE CANT LOOK AT NAKED LADIES WEINER GUY and yeah I don't buy someone who can't look at a titty without shaking could kill a fly, let alone a human being. I buy a lot of shit from fictional stories but that's a bridge to fucking far.

FINAL VERDICT: Watch only if you need to see everything either Linnea Quigley or Jerry "The King" Lawler ever did. Otherwise flush this smelly turd down the shithole.