Ranking and Thus Reviewing The Nightmare On Elm Street series!

 

Hello friends! And maybe even some enemies! It's time for us to began anew! Yes! I bring you a new series of blog posts! Maybe! Hopefully! I want to discuss movie franchises and rank them from worst to best (because it's fun that way) and I figured that the best series of movies to do that with is the A Nightmare On Elm Street because I very much enjoy the majority of films in this franchise! It will be an easy start! I was thinking of Friday the 13th because I also like the majority of films in that franchise but A Nightmare On Elm Street had less films to rewatch and I am quite lazy. Anyway let's roll back the clock to when I was but a wee little child. I grew up in the VHS era. If you wanted to see a movie you had like three options. Wait for it to come on TV at some weird time, rent it on VHS or rent it on Laserdisc. Later on we'd get DVD but that's for another time. Anyway when I was a kid I'd rent something like The Good The Bad and the Huckleberry Hound or The Care Bears Movie 2: A New Generation. I would pick my VHS up and then stroll to the horror section. My parents never let me rent them it was always NO MICHAEL until one fateful trip to Lewisporte. It was our summer vacation trip to visit my cousins and aunt and uncle. I got sick and they worried it would cause an asthma attack and they brought me home but before having to go home early they said I could rent these movies! I went fucking wild. Even if I had to watch them with my dad who would fast forward through the scary/violent bits. They thought I would get tired after maybe a few movies but no sir! I never did! I still watch way too many (probably not very good) horror films!

Now let's go do a little bit of history on New Line Cinema and ol' Freddy. New Line Cinema started in 1967 and mostly just distributed films until they could make one of their own in 1977. It was called Stunts and was made by the man who made the greatest action film of the 1980s Mark L. Lester. The movie he made was Commando, a film all should see. Anyway in 1984 they made A Nightmare On Elm Street with a young fresh faced man by the name of Wesley Craven. It was a hit. So they made another, and another, and another, and another and another and then quit for a while before making another and another. It was Freddy Central for like most of the 1980s and 1990s. I remember being a kid in the 1990s and still hearing about these movies before I had ever seen any. Freddy was EVERYWHERE in the 1980s. He hung out with the Fat Boys, Dokken and Willard Smith. He had many video games, toys and other crap I desperately want to own.  Even decades later he still enjoyed success and people still would like to see another entry. Pretty good for a guy who enjoys murdering children. Without Freddy Krueger you probably would never have gotten those stupid Lord of the Rings movies I refuse to ever watch because he made New Line Cinema THAT much money. Also this ranking will have some HOT TAKES that no one will like! Enjoy being angry at a person I guess watching movies wrong.

Anyway let's get to ranking these movies!

The biggest hurdle I had to get over to get this new shiny blog post series out to you people was having to rewatch this giant fucking turd of a motion picture. It was one of the shitty Platinum Dunes remakes. I do not think I liked a single one of them, okay the Friday the 13th remake was okay if I recall correctly. The rest however were dull basic remakes. I remember people freaking out about Texas Chainsaw Massacre being remade in 2003. Now we don't care. Hollywood has beaten us with the past so much that we are like "okay fine give us the Mr. Ed movie or something" but we had passion in the 2000s! PASSION AND JOY FOR LIFE! Okay I have to talk about this movie now. First off, nothing against Jackie Earl Haley but he is a fucking terrible Freddy Krueger. The man seems bored to be even playing this role. I think everyone in this movie was bored. I had forgotten that Clancy Brown was in this movie and how the hell do you forget that Clancy fucking Brown was in something! the man was the Kurgen! and Lex Luthor!  It also has no original ideas of its own and just does everything from the original again just poorly. I do not like this movie and I do not want to talk about it any more.

You know how I said this post would have HOT TAKES and to be careful not to get angry over them because it's only a movie and I'm not asking for it to be banned. Please put down the pitchforks and axes and knives and sticks on fire, I don't wanna die because I just do not like Wes Craven's New Nightmare. I know that everyone and their mother who watches horror films loves this one but I do not. I remember even being confused by the movie (probably didnt help that my dad fast forwarded through important scenes) but I was deathly confused and I've seen every other A Nightmare on Elm Street movie several times but I have not seen this one in thirty or so years (good lord I now feel old. Thank you jerks) I just don't really get it. Maybe I just wanted another Freddy Krueger as Freddy Krueger story and not some kind of Storybook Demon that can be trapped within stories. Maybe it's the fact that I just find this movie to be dull. Maybe its the fact that despite acting in like 49324029402490 things as a child the kid actor (who was Michelle's shitty friend in Full House and the kid from Pet Semetary) in this movie is fucking terrible. Holy shit. Couldn't you have found a better actor? Jesus Harold Christ. Am I saying this movie is a turd or anything? No. I can see why people like it but if I have to watch Wes Craven get metatextual and fourth wall breaky in something I'll watch any of one of the Scream films. 

This movie actually moved up in my eyes. Now I feel it's...........pretty okay........actually I'm pretty sure I thought it was pretty okay back in the day so I guess it actually didn't move up that much in my eyes. The biggest problem this movie has is that the characters are boring as fucking hell. One thing rewatching these movies showed me is that the characters in the first six films are actually all very likable and you care about what happens to them. Not so here. I did not care about any of these characters. Except maybe the black chick who I think was in Destiny's Child. I do not care enough to check that out. Sorry. She was  weirdly hilarious. In fact this movie has some pretty funny lines of dialogue. I like that Jason gets to be WILDLY VIOLENT in this movie and there's a cool fire stunt where the guy playing Jason gets set on fire for like an INSANE amount of time. That shit rules and I love it. Anyway, This movie is okay but I wish it was better.

Now we are getting to the movies that I quite like. This and all of the rest are movies I will willingly watch with anyone if they so desire and not complain. I will complain if you make me watch Lord of the Rings portnoyd. Don't even try. Anyway this movie involves Jesse a new kid on Elm Street and Freddy wanting to get out of the dream world and trying to use Jesse. I don't even know why Freddy wants to get out of the dream world because he's pretty much God inside it. Anyway this is considered the gay one because of hilarious gay subtext that the people making it didn't realize was there. I don't really buy that because the character ends up in a damn gay BDSM bar at one point. You tricky boys knew what you were doing! Anyway I've always liked this one but not as much as the others. It's interesting because it really is a bit different than the others. It's the black sheep of the franchise. Like Halloween 3: Season of the Witch and Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning. I've always liked all three of those movies and It's the only time I will ever get to say that I was ahead of the curve on something. It's not much but I at least got that! 

Look at this beautiful UK poster for this movie. This is the one with Alice's kid who Freddy uses the dreams of to kill her friends. They decided to have Freddy become pregnant. Which really doesn't make any sense for a lot of reasons but it's funny so I decided to use it here. Anyway, this is a really fun Nightmare outing. I enjoy the ridiculous death scenes in this one. They were making the death scenes more and more ridiculous. The more money they made the more ridiculous the deaths became. My favorite of course is the comic book one. SUPER FREDDY! I think that one is hilarious. The motorcycle one was also awesome. I also loved the ending. Somehow finding Amanda Kreuger's dead body causes her to get the power to shove Freddy back into the womb. It is special effects driven lunacy and holy shit am I here for it. I enjoyed the characters and if they ever make another one of these I hope they bring back Alice. She was a cool cat.

Why does Freddy Kreuger have a weird Cybernetic Cyborg eye in this movie poster. I do not get it and I really want to know. They say you get to ask God a question when you pass and I think that just might have to be my question. I'm pretty sure the answer will be "The artist thought it would look cool (AND IT DOES)" then God would tell me I'm bothering him and to go away. I would be sad.  Then I would watch this movie because it is awesome and always cheers me up. It is the second part of the Alice/Dream Warriors trilogy within this franchise. It wild that all three big horror franchises of the 1980s, Halloween, Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street all had these mini trilogies within them. That's really neat. Anyway this one is pretty great, it's the start of Freddy Kreuger as a big giant goofy clown that enjoys to murder. I have to give credit to Mr. Robert Englund. When Freddy had to be scary the son of a bitch was scary. When he became THE COMEDY MASTER, he made the son of a bitch really funny. I also like that they bring back the bad guy in the most ridiculous way possible and I watch a lot of horror movies and read a lot of comics but nothing beats a dog pissing fire which brings Freddy back to life. It's awesome. The only problem I have is that Kincaid, Joey and Kristen had to die. I just don't really like when the sequel kills off the previous movies heroes. Oh well, it still went for some great entertainment. Also the kill where Freddy turns that tough girl into a cockroach is probably the greatest kill in the history of cinema. Wild shit. 

Yes. I told you there would be two hot takes. I think this hot take will cause more anger than the last one. People do not like Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare but I fucking love it. Yes, I know that Freddy is no longer even one iota scary in this film. I get that. However, he';s fucking hilarious in this movie. This is the most quotable of all of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. "NO SCREAMING WHILE THE BUS IS IN MOTION!" He literally becomes a demented Bugs Bunny in this one. There's one scene where a deaf guy is trying to find his way around things and Freddy's jumping around in the background and I'm like wow if Elmer Fudd couldn't hear for some reason Bugs Bunny would do the same thing. The only exception is that Freddy than murders the deaf kid and screams HEY CARLOS NICE HEARING FROM YA! I just can't hate a movie that's this gleeful. It's just not possible. I also liked seeing some of Freddy's early life. My brain is also telling me to tell you about the Cracked magazine spoof of this movie called Dreddy's Dead. Yep. That's not very good but that's Cracked Magazine for ya! Also it's on the internet archive and you can relive the "glory days" of Cracked magazine here!

I should spend some time talking about Wes Craven. Even though I don't agree with him about the rest of the series being not great or just wishing it was one movie, the man was really quite good at making horror films. Hell even when they were not very good they were still fun to watch. Tell me Deadly Friend wasn't a hoot. The only Wes Craven movie I haven't seen was the one non-horror movie he directed which he really wanted to do. Didn't hate horror movies or anything just wanted to at least one time direct something that didn't involve blood and guts and people going through trauma. I also like that he picked the least like a horror movie he could choose. Didn't Meryl Streep show up in Music form the Heart? again I've never seen it. Anyway this is his best motion picture. At least when it comes to directing. He really knocked it out of the park here. This movie is incredibly creative, pretty well thought out and pretty damn scary. I also like that Freddy owns some kind of dream lamb that he uses to scare people. That is weirdly hilarious but weirdly unsettling. Just imagine your in a weird ass boiler room and of all animals a fuckin lamb starts charging out at you. That's weird as hell man! The only problem is that I think the ending could have been done a bit better. The I TAKE AWAY THE ENERGEY I GAVE YOU thing is a tad goofy. The actual shock ending might be a little goofier. I still love this movie and I really wish Heather Langenkamp got to go on to a really big acting career. I always thought she was good and I still think of her first when I think of Elm Street heroines (sorry Alice and Freddy's daughter, Maggie) Anyway it's a classic and should be watched by all!

Now this is the best one! This movie is extremely entertaining. Nancy comes back. The rest of the cast (except that Doctor guy) are wonderful. Besides the doctor I love every single character in this flick. Larry Fishburne gets like three scenes and he's very entertaining and you still learn a bit about him as a person. His character truly cares about these kids. If I had to pick one character who was the best I'd have to pick Kincaid. That dude cracks me the fuck up. He is the greatest angry black man who ever lived. The pace is great (I have to say that all of the first six movies are paced incredibly well) and you even learn about Amanda Kreuger in this one!  It even has a great music video by Dokken! The song Dream Warriors fucking rules! Honestly I can only find two flaws with this movie. First off, The Doctor guy is not a very good actor and was apparently a huge douchebag on set. The second is that two of the characters don't get a good enough fight against Freddy before they die. They went on and on about getting Dream Powers and two of them go out like wimps. Still this movie is incredibly well done and is the clear winner!

DREAM WARRRRIORSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS AINT GONNA DREAM NO MOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!

NES Games Reviews #27: THE NES HAS ONE BIG D HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH WOO D GAMES FINALLY

 

This is a picture of someones Mom when she beat The Legend of Zelda for the SNES. I am putting it here because there is a NES in the picture also. If you want to complain YOU try finding nice and new NES images for 27 posts on the damn NES! Anyway we have finally got to the letter D. Just imagine if I had reviewed and posted on this blog instead of pissing around on twitter. We could be talking about Xexyz today! XEXYZ PEOPLE! Anyway uh I say Anyway a lot. So yeah, we have fifty five games to do. I think that would put us over the 200 games talked about list. I mean beside the Power Pad game that I cannot really review until I find my Power Pad. I hope that thing even works, it's been sitting somewhere in the basement for forty two years. Yes, it's been in my basement longer than it even existed. Let's just end this opening paragraph because it's really really bad.

Man, Ocean Software fucking sucks shit. For every game that they made that was pretty good, they made 42 ones that sucked shit out of  donkey's ass. They somehow got a hold of so many cool licenses. Darkman was a really really memorable movie. Weird, wild and even has a cameo from Bruce Campbell in it. It's about a man who gets the ablity to create masks of people. He then gets revenge of Larry Drake for like killing him. Larry Drake is underrated. Dr. Giggles is a cool movie. Anyway enough of the movie. I'm here to talk about the NES game based on the movie. It's like every Ocean platformer. The main character literally jumped into a grease pit and then started to run around on frozen land. The character in all of those platformers are so slippery to control. It's so bad and I hate it. Also the jump is so hilariously long and its hard to get find the next place to jump too. So many blind leaps of faith. The game also looks goofy and I hate this game so much. So much. Fuck Ocean. FUCK OCEAN. I WILL SHIT ON THE MAN WHO CREATED OCEAN ONE DAY.

First off, I will be bitching about video game collecting again. Or just collecting any dumb old garbage. This game in new, sealed condition now goes for $500 or around there. I say this because I bought a fucking sealed copy of this game just to open up and play for less than 20 fucking dollars. I remember this because it was when eBay was new and I was just collecting NES games for the first time. I remember my mom having to send a money order because that's what you did on eBay back then. This game is NOT rare, but it's not even about that anymore. It's because it has a big NERD LICENSE connected to it.  Nerd culture becoming popular via YouTube and MCU movies and all that was the worst mistake ever. I'm sorry but I would have to literally become a multi-billionaire before I was like "ok let's spend 500 on Darkwing Duck sealed!" Anyway, let's get to the game and the difference in quality from this game to the last game is INSANE. This game was built on the Mega Man 5 engine and it's fantastic. Wonderful graphics that look like the characters. Well designed levels. Great music. Probably the hardest Disney game (weird because Mega Man 5 is probably the easiest Mega Man game but whatever)  but it's still not TOO hard. Just hard enough. This is a game that is worth playing, and maybe even owning if you can find it for cheap. This game loose goes for $70 and I'm sorry if you spend that I will hit you. I don't know how but I WILL hit you.

Well man oh man the quality is really up and down in this post. Dash Galaxy is a fucking piece of shit. The graphics are really quite ugly, ugly to the point that it becomes paintful to look at. I hate how these game looks. I also think Dash Galaxy moves too sloe and the levels are just shittily designed and I don't want to talk about this game anymore. Yes. This might be my shortest review yet but I don't care. Fuck you and Fuck Dash Galaxy. I just know portnoyed will come in and scream OH MY GOD NO CLAW DASH GALAXY IS AMAZING I WANT DASH GALAXAY TO TAKE A DUMP IN MY ASSHOLE. I don't know how that's possible but he will yell that. Portnoyd is a lunatic.

I am probably going to get into an argument again with portnoyd because he pretty much agrees with everyone else that this game is bad but I say no this game is good. I like it at least. I enjoy the cartoony graphics. I think the different things you have to do in each stage is a good way to keep it interesting. One problem is that you get three stage types. You get wizard medieval shit, you get cowboy shit and you get greek shit. I very much wish that they had made a few more stage types. Like space or dinosaurs or something. You have at least 15 levels so playing through the same three types gets a little boring. Also the character,. Davey gets stuck on things from time to time, but I really don't think this game deserves the hate it seems to get. It even has George Costanza in it, if he were a black man. In fact if you hate this game you are a racist who hates black George Costanza. I don't make the rules, I just try to follow them.

This is without a doubt the worst racing game for the NES. It's also the most boring. This might even be a shorter review than Dash Galaxy but this game is just so boring. Racing games were so weird on the NES, were well done and fun and others were just dull as hell. A lot of the dull as hell games tried to bring in so many doohickeys and things to with the cars when all Rad Racer did was make you feel like you were driving really fast. That's all everyone watned! Ever! You literally just go around in a circle like in Nascar racing but you never feel like you are going anywhere but sometimes you aren't because you don't even have the right upgrades or something? in the first race. I dunno. I just hate this stupid game and I don't think it even works correctly. I think they sold people a game that wasn't finished. The movie was pretty good though. That Thomas Cruise fella is going places!

Actually you probably can forget about everything else I said in this review involving portnoyd and what he will say. He will probably get up my ass for this review. I do not think Deadly Towers is a bad game, just a game that has aged very poorly. Days of Thunder was garbage from day one. A waste of a video game rental. A game that you might have gotten from Grandma and thanked her for it because she at least thought of you but once you put it in the NES and tried playing it you were bitching and moaning under your breath. You were like 7 so cut yourself some slack for being a jerk. The biggest flaws in this game is that your character moves just slow enough that it's annoying fighting enemies. The second biggest problem is literally finding out where to go to do anything. You gotta fight in like 4000 different rooms that barely look any different. It's not good. Still I think for 1986 this is a game you gotta give some slack too. It doesn't work as well now but I still beat it and I don't hate it. I'm putting it in the OKAY section because I don't believe it really deserves the shit it gets. Yes I said that and I don't care what you think!

That's another six games reviewed. I hope we get to Xexyz one day!

GOOD GAMES: 68

BAD GAMES:  65

OKAY OR GAMES THAT HAVE AGED POORLY: 18

The Adult Swim Review-a-Poolza Fun Time Thing #13? I dunno. Let's just say #13: One last pick up and some random crap they showed for shits and giggles and also Toonami I think?

 

Wow that title must be the longest title I've made for any of my blog posts. As it says I'm going to review one pick up. Two 80s cartoons that I think aired on Toonami and a cheesy Hanna Barbera show they played on April First. If I were still ranking these things All shows would go vastly above Tim and Eric, Go Fuck Yourself In the Ass Show. I will never not shit on those two god damned hacks. Portnoyd will yell about all of this, because he's a jerk.

Let's talk about the Hanna Barbera cartoon first. Portnoyd will do his terrible LOL HABERDASHERY-BANANA joke that no one ever has laughed at. Hanna Barbera is something I love. It's familiar. It's comforting. It's like a nice warm hug from someone after being out in the cold. Yes this cartoon is goofy and cheesy and it seems every episode ends with a basketball game. I will maybe let you know if that's the case because I'm probably gonna watch all 13 episodes of this beautiful nonsense. As for the Harlem Globetrotters. They were HUGE in the 1970s. In fact this is not the only cartoon they had. They even had comic books. I learned of them from The Simpsons and Futurama. I did not even realize they were real people unitl decades later though. I do not know sports. I know Hanna Barbera and Darkhawk comics. I am God's greatest mistake. Anyway, this cartoon they gave the Globetrotters powers. Spaghetti Man who could stretch and do shit like that. Float Man who could turn into water. Multi Man who could turn into multiplies of himself. A basketball person who I don't know what he did. Oh and the last guy would pick literally anything out of his giant afro. That joke alone is funnier than anything Tim and Eric would ever do. Complete and utter beautiful nonsense animated into a tv show. God bless the 1970s and God bless Joe Barbera and William Hanna.

I don't think I had ever seen any episode of Voltron before this. I wish I had because it is fucking awesome. Voltron doesn't even show up in the first episode and I'm already hooked. First off I love the music in this show. the little musical stings and stuff. So wonderful. Also I love the designs, the Ro-beasts are awesome looking. I like that they made one of the characters a stereotypical swede just for the fucking hell of it.  I really should make a series of posts about actually sitting down and watching every episode of something. Like talk about the show after I've seen all the episodes. Anyway Voltron rules and I will definitely watch more of it.

I picked these four shows because well I had already seen enough of two of them so that I didn't have to watch anything. I make it out that watching something awesome is terrible but sometims you just wanna get a blog post out so you can argue with portnoyid becuase he's a BIG LAME BABY. ThunderCats is the touching story of several cat people who clearly abuse steroids of some kind and the weird and insane adventures they get into (seriously one adventure had Lion-O arm wrestle a caveman just because that's fucking awesome). They have wonderful villains. Vultureman, Slythe, Jackalman and Monkian are wonderful. Mumm-Ra is wonderful. All of the one off villains are wonderful. The designs for just about every character is delightful. This cartoon also has Bill Cosby's TV dad voice a blue cat man. If that isn't enough to get you to watch then I don't think anything will. It's sad because everyone else clearly will and they will make fun of you. Loser.

I am pretty sure when I did a post on the pick ups they did (mostly from Fox!). Actually it was two posts, I believe. Anyway, sometime last Year I finally decided to watch Bob's Burgers and what I found was a very entertaining, very wholesome, likable show. The Belchers are vastly different from any other cartoon family and that's very refreshing. I watched about half of the episodes, I'd say before getting burnt out and quitting. I always start a show and then go OOOOOOOOOOO look at this other shiney show! I dunno, I really should watch the rest of the episodes I haven't seen becuase this show is delightful and I like it a lot. Anyway, I'm looking forward to portnoyd pooping on this show because the only thing he loves in life is Tim and Eric. Couldn't even find a good thing to love but that's portnoyd for you.

So, another four shows down that appeared somewhere near adult swim or toonami. I will try to review everything on the wikipedia page because why not? don't ask me to bring back the rankings though. That's dead and gone. The Sam Hyde show is last and Tim and Eric are in second to last place. There, that's what you want to know.

The Comic Review #97: Darkhawk #10-15 (1991-1992)

 

Well, we are back with Darkhawk and his first six part story! There are a good amount of six part stories from the early 1990s. It was like a summer event. Very popular books like Spider-Man would get put out twice a month! Darkhawk gets his six part story but it's not put out twice a month. Anyway this is where all the subplots come home and we finally learn about all kinds of stuff. So buckle in buckaroos because we will be talking about six whole dang issues! I'd say sorry to portnoyd but he sucks and I don't like to lie so yeah.

The first part of Heart of the Hawk is PACKED to the gills. We start with Tombstone, a Spider-Man foe wanting to find the amulet of Darkhawk. So he's been causing havoc everywhere to find it. Then we go see Phillipe Bazin get arrested for calling in a hit. Grace Powell finally found a witness and they are being watched by police. However little Jason Powell gets hurt in a car bombing accident that was meant for his mother (there was also a BEWARE THE CURSE OF THE DARKHAWK note that Chris notices). It's back to the Hospital for everyone. Darkhawk gets some time to go out KICKING ASS. 

He even says that he's gonna kill Bazin regardless of what he said to the Punisher last issue. He learns from the guys he beat up that some super powered jerks are being sent to kill the witness. Darkhawk goes, beats the guys just to learn that the witness died of a heart attack. The trial still goes ahead and at the courtroom Chris sees his dad and tries to talk to him but is kept off by the private eye also from last issue. Darkhawk then decides he needs to know more about his origin so he goes to find St. Johnny to hopefully learn more. St. Johnny is a homeless man who's been a big weirdo and saying weird shit. Sadly all he finds when he gets there is Tombstone beating the shit out of St. Johnny. The issue ends but man it's gonna be a wild fight!

The second issue involves a wild ass fight with Tombstone. I love Tombstone. I read this ongoing story in Web of Spider-Man and Spectacular Spider-Man that involved him like 42,000 times. I should talk about those stories. Anyway we also see an attempted hit on Jason, Darkhawk's little brother. His dad comes out and saves him again. We see a fight between Cheryl Colon (lol) and Alegra Bazin. Darkhawk meets the guy who had been sending him "BEWARE THE CURSE OF THE DARKHAWK" letters and of course to keep us coming back they do not show us his face. The jerks. St. Johnny isn't dead after all, I should mention that right now. Anyway Tombstone gets the amulet and Alegra knows her father is a jerk. What will happen in the next issue!! STAY TUNED...........TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH

Well, St. Johnny isn't dead and he just turned his hand into some kind of WEIRD ROBOTIC CYBERNETIC WILD ASS SHIT AND SHOT TOMBSTONE RIGHT IN THE CHEST! Tombstone leaves and right after this Darkhawk asks St. Johnny how he did that and St. Johnny is just confused as fuck. He even says he doesn't know anything about anything but does say he'll patch him up. You see Tombstone stole the amulet but he had to rip it out of Darkhawk's chest to do it! Darkhawk visits his brother in the hospital. Tries to find Tombstone but Bazin's son Broderick (he really should be locked up just for naming his son this) tells everything about what he's heard and seen his dad too and it's time for PRISON. Anyway that is when SAVAGE STEEL pops up and gets his ass handed to him so quickly its hilarious. Turns out its Harry Lennox the private eye in the suit. He's not very good at wearing a COOL ARMOR and fighting I guess. Bazin gets away in a helicopter after a giant hole is created in the wall and Darkhawk's dad jumps on a rope. Darkhawk has to choose to find Tombstone and get the amulet so he won't die or save his pops. WHAT WILL HE CHOOSE!!! find out............right now!

We see just from the cover that Venom is in this issue. Yep, I mentioned how overused Punisher and Wolverine were for 1990s Marvel, but Venom is totally up there with him. Anyway this starts with Tombstone talking to I think two Asian dudes name Clarence and Terrance. Get it cuz the names kinda sound like each other. They start fiddling with a machine that causes havoc on the amulet which hurts Darkhawk despite being so far away from it. Darkhawk gets stable and then tries to get some information out of St. Johnny AGAIN. St. Johnny's so crazy and soaked in whisky he really probably doesn't know how he makes his arm into a gun or that he even did it. So Darkhawk then goes to some of Bazin's goons still in the city and finds out where he's going. It's an island in the carribean.  It just happens to be the island that Spider-Man got Venom to stay on by making him think he was dead in Amazing Spider Man #347.

So Darkhawk gets into a crate that gets loaded onto the plane that some of Bazin's goons are going to use. He breaks out and makes a very timely refrenece to Gomer Pyle. Then some comment about cable tv so Darkhawk is a big Nickoledeon and Nick at Nite fan. Awesome! He kicks all of their asses and also causes the plane ot crash. Man Darkhawk is kind of a goof sometimes.  Darkhawk's mom tries to get some information out of Lennox and then comes back to see if theres any evidence within the Savage Steel suit which is being stolen by three corrupt cops! Then Darkhawk gets up out of the Plane wreckage and then Venom shows up and they are gonna fuckin RUMBLE. A FIGHT IS GOING DOWN TONIGHT PEOPLE. and by Tonight I mean in Part V. Roman Numerals rule.

This issue is pretty much a giant fight with Venom until the last few pages. We get Grace Powell being captured by the guys who stole the Savage Steel suit and until Venom pretends to be dead so that Darkhawk will not send anyone after him. Darkhawk then gets a boat from the plane wreckage and floats off to Bazins island. All kinds of fights happen. He figths Lodestone from issue 8. His dad gets shot but his dad also shoots Bazin. His dad dies but we don't find out what happens to Bazin. Darkhawk is able to get a force blast off without the amulet and knocks out Lodestone. He talks to his dad who tells him to keep his family safe as his dad knows Darkhawk has a connection to them. Darkhawk tries to keep this promise but passes out from like all the green blood loss. now into part 6!

Darkhawk is awakened by a bunch of Carribbean police people and they want to take him to the Vault where the Super villains go. Darkhawk isn't having any of that and uses his Darkhawk Rope Chain thing to smack a bunch of them at once. I don't know what that s really called but I like Rope Chain thing I'mma call it that from now on. He gets into a truck and luckily a plane is overhead and he shoots the Rope Chain right onto the plane. He finds out that the pilot is osmeone helped in an earlier issue so he brings him back to New York. Now that he's close enough to the amulet it calls out for him and he follows it to a lady psychic's house that Tombstone is so desperate to get the amulet to work for him he went to her. They jump out the ladies window and fight in a warehouse of some sort. 

Darkhawk shocks the shit out of Tombstone and he ties him up in chains for the police to find him. Darkhawk then tries to get the amulet to work but it wont. He goes to see his family and finds out his mother is missing. He goes to Harry Lennox who lets him know where his mother is. The Cabal of Crooked Cops are finally going down! Darkhawk style! He then runs away again and starts looking at his mementos he took from the house. Including his dad's diary. He realizes there is more to the diary then he thought. Just one blank page and he doesn't bother to look at it. He finds out that his dad was a part of the cabal and hated taking money from Bazin but wanted to create SAVAGE STEEL. However the rest of the Cabal were like "NO WE WANT TO KILL THE CRIMINALS" and Mike Powell was not going to be a part of that but after deciding that he had to run away because these guys were nuts. He decides to take one more big payoff from Bazin at the Fun House (where Darkhawk found the amulet and became Darkhawk)  and try to find crime his way. This puts Darkhawk at enough ease to turn back into Chris Powell and ending the first (and I think only) six part Darkhawk story!

FINAL THOUGHTS: I enjoyed this. A bunch of characters I like from Spider-Man cross over. It ends most of the subplots from the first year of Darkhawk in a pretty satisfying way. Now portnoyd will come in and go WUH DARKHAWK WUH HURF DE GERF DARKHAWK IS THE POOPY. I LIKE DEADPOOL WUH.

NES Game Reviews #26: C GAMES ARE DONE BABY!

 

Is there anyone past, present or future that will EVER be as cool as this kid? In his room with his Capcom NES games with NES GAME POSTERS, and AIRPLANE models, AND HIS nintendo powers, AND HIS COOL 1980S PINK SHIRT. and just LAZIN BACK playing some Rescue Rangers. I cannot even start to speak about his mullet because something that wonderful has to be made into poetry and I ain't no Robert Frost, motherfucker! So now portnoyd will now sass this kid and try to make himself out to be cool. Anyway, I think since I'm close to post 500 (only 45 posts away) I want to make them and see what will be post 500. I bet It will be about something really stupid. Probably talk about Star Fox. Yeah that's right furries and Nintendo superfanboys. I sassed the Star Fox and I will never take it back! Star Fox sucks!

There were approximitely 27,962 thousand games that took a bunch of sport mini games and crammed them into one game. Like California Games or Caveman Games. This is one of the few games of that type that I very much enjoy. Crash N The Boys Street Challenge is a lot of fun. It's a Kunio game so you get those goofy lookin River City Ransom guys playing sports. I very much enjoy this little game and I love how 1990s this cover is. First off we didn't like using the word And very much in the 1990s. That shit wasn't cool dawg! I like how the main guy Crash looks like a tough Cabbage Patch Doll. They also have a weird fake anime look to them despite that stuff not becoming popular until later on in the decade (I mean popular in North America.). Anyway there's really not much to say about this game except that I enjoy playing it. That's it. Go to the next review, jerk.

I am known somewhat as a LJN Defender. I think some of the games they made were genuinely good and fun to play. Not all of them but enough that I consider them better than THQ/Radical Entertainment and Color Dreams/Bunch Games/Wisdom Tree that's for damn sure. Anyway this is not the game to trot out to be like LJN IS ACTUALLY NOT TERRIBLE GUYS, becuase well this game is kinda shitty as hell, even if I do kinda like it, So you know it's probably actually REALLY BAD if I admit it's bad and still like it. The games biggest flaw is that when you get hit you can end up losing your head (or some other body part) and the controls just go backwards. That is not a good idea company who actually made the game for LJN to sell. Not good at all, Softwork Creations. Still it being them means that Tim Follin or Geoff Follin wrote and created some BOSS ASS MUSIC for this game. So yeah, this games not very good but it's a wonderful kiss from The Creator of the Universe compared to the SNES game. Oh god, now that's bad. Anyway I wish I had some Crash Test Dummies toys again. They were rad as fuck.

You know what the saddest part of this game is, it's probably one of the BEST Color Dreams games. I mean it still pretty much fails at what it wants to do. The problem with this game is that the puzzles get way too hard way too quickly. Like with Adventures of Lolo/Kickle Cubicle/Fire N Ice the game puts you into easy puzzles that get harder each level or world you complete. By Level 5 in Crystal Mines you gotta save like 12 guys with 9852042 men coming after you. It's just not fun. I still play it wanting to enjoy it but I just never really do. Another fact is that it just looks kinda ugly. I am not a fan of Crystal or her Mines.

From the genre of "This game is just enough like Zelda for us not to get sued" comes Crystalis, a really really good game. It has good graphics, a good plot (I think an epic Zelda/Final Fantasy game needs a bit more to the plot and I believe this game has enough to it), good music. I think the only problem is the switching of the weapons. That can end up getting you killed in tight situations and it also just messes up the flow of the game. You are supposed to get tougher and stronger in a game not go back to a weaker sword. I dunno. There's not much else to say then this is a well made game that I really should go back to any play again.

Something rare just happened. I mean really quite rare in the fact that I don't think I had played this game before. I popped in the rom and went to town and quit after like three or so minutes. This is a crummy crummy sports game. One of the robots was so fast no one could catch him and while that is amusing for like one game it's not amusing for 4202 games you have to play in a sports game. The other robot I played as couldn't do shit. I shut down FCEUX and went that's a no from me dawg. Base Wars is still the best robots play sports game ever. A shame too because Jaleco and Tengen should have been able to make something less shitty. Oh well. 

Here is a game I do not like very much. I think it's quite terrible in fact. I remember getting my second NES back in like 1998 or so and this was one of the first games I bought, or it might have even been in the set of games I got. I just know I didn't have many games and I would play this one just because of that reason. It was 1998, you had to get dial up internet. You had to go by what was on TV and not be able to stream or watch online just about everything you wanted. Nothing on tv, don't have any minutes for the internet. Well it's time to play NES and I guess you have to play Cybernoid because the people who owned this stuff before you had no fucking taste in anything apparently! The thing I hate most about this game is how the ship just dips downward. Always. Did they have a fat guy on board. Like a really really really fat guy on board that they just didn't jettison into outer space before going to save themselves and probably the universe. Anyway you gotta get through some areas in a set amount of time but you just fall down constantly like a moron. Is someone with some kind of sleep disorder at the helm? is that why he's falling down all the time. IS PEPPERMINT PATTY FLYING THIS GOD DAMN SHIP? Actually no I like Peppermint Patty. She and Marcie make me laugh. Uh anyway I don't like Cybernoid and I'm glad that it never came up in the NES Bounty because I would have either bought it out causing a fight with portnoyd or tried to beat it which would have caused me to smash my head against the wall until it was a bloody mess and I was dead. It's not worth dying for Cybernoid, kids. 

GOOD GAMES: 66

BAD GAMES: 62

OK GAMES: 17

The Final Episode #131: Early Edition (1996 - 2000)

 

It's gonna be fun here at THE CLAWXBLOG for a few weeks, or a week, who knows. I have gotten portnoyd to guess the next fifteen of these entries. This is the FIRST PORTNOYD GUESSING GAME. Maybe the last. Maybe not. Who knows. Anyway what I want to happen is for portnoyd to go "Wow I never heard of this show" "Wow what asshole did you pick that show out of" and "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU REVIEW THIS"  I would also like to see if I can pick a show that makes him go "WOW I REMEMBER THIS" but in a positive way. Portnoyd is way too grumpy.  Let's see how many times we get portnoyd to go "wuh". I bet he goes "wuh" a lot. Portnoyd is a wuhguy for sure.

Early Edition was a fantasy comedy drama that revolved around a man named Gary Hobson who gets a copy of the NEXT day's Chicago Sun-Times. He uses the information within to help people before they end up dead or in prison or whatever. It was created by Ian Abrams, Patrick Q. Page, and Vik Rubenfeld and developed for Television by a man named Bob Brush. Bob worked on the Wonder Years which I bring up because I enjoyed watching that show and portnoyd is a smelly hater of the Wonder Years. Kyle Chandler played Gary Hobson and is apparently going to play Hal Jordan in the Lanterns tv series. Weird. Anyway I have never seen him in anything so I hope I like him here! The series also had Fisher Stevens in it! Everyone's favorite WHITE INDIAN guy!

Anyway as with other shows I've never seen before I watch and discuss two episodes. The first episode I decided to watch was Mel Schwartz, Bounty Hunter. I wonder if he uses the Schwartz! Ho ho ho! Yes, getting to make that joke was the one and only reason I chose this episode. Anyway it starts with Gary looking at his paper that says a child will be injured by a rare vase. Before he can even get there he gets robbed by a burglar who takes everything from someone, even their clothes! Anyway Gary gets out of this situation by stealing a mattress salesman's costume.... which is a mattress. So he ends up saving the kid (while scaring the shit out of other kids I mean he's a crazy man running at them in a mattress costume!) AND the vase falls on his comfy mattress costume! Everyone's happy!

Now he's in a courtroom because well he did steal the mattress. Thankfully he gets off with a misdemeanor and just has to pay $200 and get a psych evaluation. His blind lady friend makes a joke about that. It was funny. I laughed. You all need that information to keep your lives in tact. He then saves a pregnant lady in a toy store. She is not happy about being saved. She's a real fuckin bitch in fact. Mean woman, I hope her child grew up safe away from her. Don't be yellin at someone who helped you not get hurt ya fuckin dirt ass. He sees the mugger that stole his clothes and chases after him he then is chased by a weiner looking man in a car. A wiener man. why does weiner look right but its actually spelled wiener? I dont know. One of the unsolvable mysteries of the universe I guess.  Anyway he hells at him to get out of the way because he's chasing him. Gary does so and realizes he needs to go see a shrink. She thinks he's a fucking nutbar.

So he gets home and gets the new newspaper which shows that yes the wiener man (still doesnt look right) electrifies himself with his own stun gun while trying to be a bounty hunter. Gary goes to his house to help him and it turns out that he's married to the bitchy woman who yells at strangers who try to help them not have fucking miscarriages. Now she thinks that he is there to put the crib together. Anyway we turn to Mel Schwartz who reminds me of my fifth grade French teacher. He was not a badass. That is where the comedy comes from in this episode. It's amusing me thus far. Anyway they capture THE CLOTHES STEALER and save Mel from shocking his dumb ass. Gary goes to the next Shrink appointment and Mel goes back to take credit for what Gary did. He also gets his next assignment. He has to go up against OGRE himself. That's right baby this episode has DONALD "GIBBY" GIBB in it! Now that's a mega star!

The shrink calls in THE WHOLE TEAM when Gary runs off. Gary gets into some shenanigans before he finds Mel at the END OF THE ROAD bar. Mel had gone in there looking for GIBBY and just made a fool out of himself. The bikers were about to start throwing darts at Mel when Gary saves him! The bikers end up thinking Gary is a bounty hunter and start kicking his ass instead. Mel runs away like a fucking pussy ass bitch. Mel's a damn baby! AINT NO BABY BOUNTY HUNTERS!!! He ends up trying again going to GIBBYS apartment and GIBBY just tries drowning him in the tub. Gary saves his dopey ass AGAIN. GIBBY slips on some water and knocks himself out. do you think Donald Gibb let's his friends call him Gibby? Also Mel's wife found out where he is and her water just broke! They get to the hospital because they let Gibby drive and Gary is able to show his therapist that Mel is real and he wont have to go to the crazy house. All is well in the world! This episode was a hoot and I enjoyed watching it.

A note if anyone reads this and then steals my dumb idea for YouTube or something, ALWAYS, ALWAYS check wikipedia or some fandom wikia for the CORRECT Final Episode. As in was an episode intended to be the Final Episode but it's the last season and CBS doesn't give a shit anymore so they put it out early. Always check that. It's one of my rules to try to do what was intended as the Final Episode and in this case it was the episode "Time". Time was written by Carla Kettner. Carla has also written for Bones, Judging Amy and the Blacklist. Three shows that are either one of the time period of 1950s to 2000 OR just really boring looking. Sorry ladies I can talk about TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL but I don't think I could do Judging Amy. This episode tells some of how this whole thing works. I think that's not a bad idea for a Final Episode but revealing all of what caused the magic Newspaper is gonna have a wild story behind it. I dunno. I just think leaving it at magic Newspaper works best. Leave a little mystique to the whole thing. 

The episode starts with Gary already having saved someone at a Donut shop. I dunno how but he ends up with some Donuts for the blind black lady. She hasn't been in the show much but I see that shes his receptionist. Do they have like blind receptionists? are there like braile things for blind people to do that job?I guess so. Or at least stuff like that exists within the Early Edition world. the Receptionist lady says "Cool Old Black Man called the archivist for the Chicago Sun Times called. He wants to see you" So Gary goes to see Cool Old Black Man to look through the boxes of a man called Lucious Snow. He had a photo copy of a paper that said Gary had died as a child at age 11! Woah! Now that's a hook to get you to watch the rest of the episode!

Gary freaking the hell out, calls his parents, wanting to know more about this. Then we change scenes and we get to see Lindsay, a kid, she tries to get the purse back for this old lady. She spends time around the courthouse because shes old. Lindsay also spends time around the courthouse because her grandfather is a judge. Her grandfather is played by Charles Durning. He's a judge. Gary ended up saving Lindsay and now is sitting with her watching Charles Durning yell at someone. Charles Durning was awesome. He was the bad guy in the Muppet Movie and like 9,000 other things. I love you Charles!

Gary gets back to his apartment and his mom is there. He learns that he won a trip to the Chicago Sun-Times from an essay contest and I'm like "wow thats the shittiest fucking award you could give someone unless they were like the biggest wiener (still doesn't look right) of all time" I guess Gary is the biggest wiener of all time and excitedly went to the Chicago Sun Times! Anyway he shows her the photo copy thing and says it was the day I was supposed to die.... Lucious Snow saved my life. Also I love that name. So much. I wish my name was Lucious Snow.

Gary sees Lucious Snow after waking up in the middle of the night. He talks to his mom about this and she thinks hes COCO FOR COCOPUFFS. do they still make Cocopuffs? I don't think I ever got to try them. Anyway he sees in the newspaper that his COP FRIEND is gonna get himself in trouble for harassing this guy that the cop believes is a murderer. I should have mentioned earlier that the Cop guy was in the courtroom but I didn't. I really should write these out in a better manner but whatever. If you are coming here for quality you really should leave. Cop Friend seems like bit of a jerk to be honest. 

Gary sees THE JERK COP being a jerk and has to testify again in front of Charles Durning. The Jerk Cop is taken off the Baylor case and he's ANGRY.  Gary then has a memory of helping a girl named Jessica get her cheetos. She needs food before she gives her big speech. Which rhymes somehow. Anyway, Gary goes back to his office home whatever and talks to the receptionist lady and his mom. The repceptionist tells him why not get a copy of the newspaper from 1976 and Gary SHITS HIS PANTS and is amazed by this simple idea. He goes to the CHICAGO SUN TIMES and gets a flashback to the tour they all took. He sees Lucious Snow and argues with a little shitty douchebag of a kid. Should have punched that little shit out Gary!

Gary has another flashback and that little shit takes Jessica's essay and then when Gary takes it back from him he says Gary did it! FUCK I HATE THIS KID!  Gary gets the paper and sees that Baylor is gonna hurt someone in a shooting at a bar so he goes to THE JERK COP and THE JERK COP is a huge jerk about it. I don't like the Jerk Cop. He's probably the son of the kid from the 1970s even though that kid was white. Whatever. Anyway after that we get another flashback with kid Gary in a goofy looking disco suit. (the shitty kid called him a Disco Duck which did make me laugh)  Gary sees CHARLES DURNING and some other lawyer talking about SHADY STUFF in a bathroom. Gary sees Lucious Snow save him and then he goes to talk to CHARLES DURNING. They have one hell of an argument and he leaves. Then we see a scene of him talking to his mother who he finally told all of this stuff too. 

So without THE JERK COP's help Gary goes to the Z-Bar and pretty much keeps the girl from Baylor. However, CHARLES DURNING shows up, sees the Magic Newspaper and runs when Baylor is just going to shoot the girl. Baylor shoots CHARLES DURNING while Gary is there. CHARLES DURNING dies. Gary has one last flashback to when Luscious Snow gave him the MAGICAL POCKET KNIFE that I guess triggers the MAGICAL NEWSPAPER. I dunno. Anyway he goes to Luscious' grave and then sees Lindsay at CHARLES DURNING's funeral. Gary gives Lindsay the magical pocket knife that will trigger MAGICAL NEWSPAPERS to go to her when Gary has passed away. What a weird ending.

FINAL THOUGHTS: This was a show I randomly found while fiddling around on wikipedia and I was intrigued by the idea. It's weird and silly but I like weird and silly. I enjoyed both episodes I watched and hope to watch more in the future. Anyway portnoyd's guess was Dallas and he was WRONG!

Reviewing Every NES Game Because I Can #25: Some more C games. Woo.

 

Well it's time to bring this back. I don't know why I quit doing these. They are the simplest things ever. Just write a paragraph about NES games. I've played so many of these games to death. I know what I think about just about all of them and I don't even need to revisit most of them. Still I stopped doing these for two years or so. Anyway it's time for us to get into our 25th part on doing mini reviews for every NES game. We do six games at a time and we will probably end this series of blog posts around the time of the heat death of the universe. 

This game is somewhere in the middle of "hey this is a simple stragety game even your dumb ass could enjoy claw" and one of those games i lovingly call "rice sims that I have no fucking clue what to do at all and cry and scream and curl up in a ball and hope my mom comes in and turns the g ame off and makes me feel better. I can't even eat rice anymore because of those games" This game doesn't have to many things for you to pick and choose but they have enough that I do not want to play it. That's it. That's my review. Now fuck off. I'll write lengthy paragraphs about other stuff. 

This is a game I know portnoyd violently masturbates too and I'm not trying to ruin his weird little kink or anything BUT I'm uh not a fan. I mean it's clearly not a bad game in any way it's just very fine. Just fine. It won't ruin your life but I just don't really like it. I think my biggest problem is the controls are just stiff enough that jumping is annoying and hard. Had they fixed that this game would be much better. I mean you get a dog (that I don't know how to play as but want too) and all kinds of different weapons. Thought and care did go into this game, I'm just like FUCK I FELL INT OTHE FUCKING PIT BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO MAKE THAT DUMB SHIT ASS JUMP. Just one thing keeps this game from being cool and good. Oh well. Time for portnoyd to yell at me and go NO THIS GAME IS COOL AND IM COOL AND YOU CAN EAT POOP.

                                                                                          

When I was a kid I would go over to my aunt and uncles house. I would always end up playing with my cousins Super Nintendo. He had Contra 3. It was the first Contra game I had ever played and it's still amazing to this day. I have not beaten it becaues to get a true ending in a SNES Konami game you literally have to shove a foot up your ass, dance, yodel four songs at once, put your hand in your mouth while still having the songs come out clear, and hand stand with the other hand. What I'm saying is Konami on the SNES was hard as fucking hell to beat a game. Anyway I loved that game and still wish to beat it one day, even if it means learning how to yodel.  Anyway, I would not get to play Contra or Super C until I got them during my NES collecting. I got Super C first and I had a ball with it. Very good game. Contra I could only play on emulation for the LONGEST time and I didn't like it all that much. I could only get to the second stage in it. I kept hearing everyone go on and on about how it's the most amazing game ever and I'm like FELLAS SUPER C IS RIGHT THERE. IT'S BETTER. I admittedly finally got a copy of the game for real and was actually able to beat stage two and see that yes this game really does deserve all the praise it gets. It's an incredible game. I even like the overhead stages now. I still think Super C is better. So enjoy that hot take. ENJOY IT.

                                                                                   

I kinda honest to God enjoy Contra Force. Yeah it's bit of a rough game but once you get used to how the game works and feels you'll enjoy. I guess I just like janky ass games. Anyway this game is weird because it';s onlt Contra in name only. It was like Arc Hound or some shit like that. You get four characters and you'll have to change between each of them to get used to this game's INCREDIBLE slow down. I don't even know how it slows down so much because what this game is doing isn't as amazing as what other games pulled off during the NES' end age. Anyway this is the time of the review where I bitch and moan about people pushing prices of every stupid piece of nerd garbage ever up to unobtainable for most people. I don't have a cushy YouTube job where I just do dumb shit and people somehow watch it.  Then get money from YouTube (and more money from those people who watch it on Patreon) I would watch these people because I would not be able to find stuff around here and I just want to own some dumb nerd garbage but not have to kidnap people and take their kidneys for sale. This game goes for $130 and I'll tell you as one of the four human beings who ever enjoyed playing this game it is not worth that. It is worth maybe $30 and I'll do that because it's a late era NES game. I do not believe any of these games were as rare as the people say. Anyway, Contra Force is pretty alright. I like it at least.

                                                                                  

This is one of the absolute worst NES games ever. Not a single fucking thing works in this game. The game looks garish, ugly, and so gross. I hate looking at it. Getting anywhere in this game is a pain in the ass. You have to go around and find what place will bring you were. Sometimes you just get stuck and can't jump. That mostly seems to happen in the highway stage, which is if I recall correctly (because I am never playing this game again so I am going on memory) that isn't a maze level. I don't completely hate maze levels if they feel like they were well put together and they were not put together well here. I would play through about 10 LJN games before I would play this game again. Ocean is terrible and I hate them. Worst part of Britain ever.

First off, this box art is hilarious. It literally looks like the box to a interracial gay porno film. Like that Cowboy is gonna have him some Native fun. and by fun I mean gay sex. I know portnoyd does not like this game very much but I do. It's like one of those Legend of the Mystical Ninja/Goemon games except in the Wild Wild Wild Wild Wickety Wild WEST. You have to go to one area to open something else and getting things like keys by hitting and killing enemies. You can also buy food and upgrade weapons. It's a simple fun little game. THE biggest flaw is that uh, you will get stuck on things. A lot. You will need to know where tou move and get used to that. Portnoyd never could because he's a bum A CRUMB BUM. Anyway even he can't deny how gayily hilarious the cover is.

Another six NES games down. We have to keep going because I want to talk about them all. I want to never want to talk about NES ever again. I want to just be able to go READ MY BLOG SO YOU CAN KNOW HOW I THINK ABOUT GHOUL SCHOOL YA JERK. So yeah. Woo.

Good Games: 64

Bad Games: 58

OK Games: 17

The Comic Review #96: Darkhawk #9

 

It's time for yet another review of Darkhawk. I'm pretty sure in the last review I said that I would get to this issue in like June of 2024. Which did not happen. It did not happen in June 2025 either. I don't know why I just randomly quit on this blog and then come back to it. I really do enjoy this and I really do not enjoy anything else on the internet these days yet I'll watch shitty YouTube videos that might have been made by AI and spend time on Twitter, the cesspool's cesspool. Anyway, In an attempt to finish up the things I've started I bring you yet another review of Darkhawk. We only have like........40 something more issues to go. Portnoyd will be screaming about it but he can eat my ballsac, I like Darkhawk.

This issue brings in the Punisher. In the  late 1980s to mid 1990s if your comic had trouble starting or making sure to keep readers Marvel Comics would shove in The Punisher or Wolverine into the comic. It was to show that THESE COMICS WERE SERIOUS and NOT YOUR DADDY'S COMICS. It just makes any person who takes continuity too seriously really angry. I do not think the Punisher or Wolverine could be in all those places in all those times. Anyway, I don't mind. I like the Punisher. He's like Charles Bronson in the Marvel Universe. Charles Bronson rules.

So Charles Bronson is getting ready to shoot some no good thug bastards, however he is a target himself! By SAVAGE STEEL. We last saw him in issue #4. He's a group of cops who are well corrupt and money hungry and also still hate CRIME. They take turns being the man inside the SAVAGE STEEL armor. Yes, he's an armored guy. Armor guys were big in the 1990s. Pouches and armors. And Charles Punshier. That's what I'm going to call the Punisher from now on. Just to confuse and annoy everyone! I need to realize that not everyone is obsessed with the past as I am and even know who Charles Bronson is but who cares I do what I want. 

We then head to the next scene which is in the hospital. Darkhawk's friend Steve also known as Headset because he's like a hacker or something? I like that I have forgotten the issues I read years ago because I review this series so badly. I am not good at blogging but I still do it because I can and because it annoys jerknoyd. Anyway he was hurt in issue 7. He's now in the hospital and they are getting ready to leave. Also Darkhawk's girlfriend last name is Colon. Lol poop comes out of those. lol I am six years old today.

They go to the Mall and end up crossing paths with Charles Punisher and Savage Steel. Chris tells Cheryl Poopy to leave and he'll get the police. Of course he's actually getting ready to change into DARKHAWK. I like how grumpy Charles Punisher is having to work with Darkhawk. He calls him a beginner and when Darkhawk notices all the guys after Charles Punisher he says we have to work together weither we like it or not. Charles Punisher goes I DONT. Charles Punisher is a huge grump and  I love it. Darkhawk is like my DARKFORCE BLASTS can stop them without killing them and Charles Punisher was like RIGHT PAL and goes back to shooting the criminals in the face. I love the back and forth between these two guys.

Darkhawk is hurt and can't fight so SAVAGE STEEL pops up to cause an even bigger ruckus and actually teams up with Charles Punisher. Well Charles Punisher just pretends to team up with him. They literally kill all the remaining bad guys in like five seconds.  of course before Charles Punisher can turn around and do something to SAVAGE STEEL. SAVAGE STEEL just starts shooting lasers at him. Armors are cool. Lasers are awesome. Port probably hates both. The jerk.

Darkhawk is hurt and trying to help Charles Punisher by shooting a line with a hook on it to keep Savage Steel from shooting Charles Punisher. Bad move, Darkhawk because Savage Steel just tosses him down on the first floor. We then change scenes to some kind of Diner that smells like bourbon and sadness (this is what I imagine portnoyd's game room smells like) where Darkhawk's mom Grace is yelling at a private eye that the information he got is SHIT and she wants better information about where her husband is. the Private Eye is like this Bazin guy is after you and you have no body guard so YOUR the stupid one.... and yeah I think he's right. She leaves and then a MYSTERIOUS MAN gets up and says OMINOUS THINGS.

Oh, apparently while throwing Darkhawk off the balcony he also BLEW UP HIS FUCKING HAND. Holy shit Darkhawk is getting his ass all beat. He's gonna have the most bruises for an asshole in the Guinness Book of World Records. Is that even a record? do they even still make those books? All he has to do is change back to Chris Powell and well all injuries fixed. That's kinda lame but also you can't just have him be handless. Anyway he turns back into Darkhawk and yells at SAVAGE STEEL. They have a fight and Savage Steel's armor is busted and Charles Punisher tries to shoot him but Darkhawk gets in the way. He tries to move over to the side so he can shoot Savage Steel, however Darkhawk sees this move and Charles Punisher's attempt to kill Savage Steel just knocks he and Darkhawk on their asses. More bruises for Darkhawk. I guess new ones now.

The Cops come, Savage Steel causes a diversion and just escapes. Charles Punisher then escapes. Darkhawk is let go because of the gut feeling of one cop. I mean the gut feeling was right but still! Probably should have tried to take him in! Anyway he and  Cheryl Poopy Farts Colon hug and kiss again. I don't think I could date someone with the last name Colon without making too many jokes. I seriously have to believe that someone edited that page on the Marvel wikia because no one remembers Darkhawk's girlfriend not even me #1 Darkhawk Fan of all of Newfoundland and probably Canada......and maybe even the world. Anyway it turns out the ominous man who's talking to the private eye....................IS DARKHAWK'S DAD! Now that's a way to end this issue. The sub plot that's going on for the last 9 issues is finally coming to an end. The next review will be of a SIX PART DARKHAWK STORY. One I remember thinking was pretty radical. I think we should bring the word radical back.

FINAL THOUGHTS:  This was a pretty fun issue. I enjoyed the interactions between Charles Punisher and Darkhawk. I like Savage Steel's design and I think the idea of it could be a different guy behind the suit to be an interesting one. I had fun and now I get to let portnoyd have fun by pooping on my fun.