Comic Review #83: Maximum Carnage (1993)

 

I talked about this comic series in the last Final Episode post about Monster By Mistake. I mentioned how I talked about this series for one paragraph when I would just do one paragraph review of comics. I do feel that I should re-do all of those reviews and get into the nitty gritty of what was good and bad about those stories. That was also the first time I ever read the series and I did it due to having scans on the internet because whenever these issues show up they are way too expensive for me. I am not paying anything over 3 dollars for these issues because their are so many copies of each one of them. That brings down the price. Plus the fact that I did not really like reading the story. Yes, I do still want to own the series because I would like to have every Spider Man comic ever, but I do not want to spend 140 dollars to own all 14 parts of this series. You'll see why I don't want too.

When I was a kid watching the 1994 Spider-Man series I nearly shit my pants seeing Venom for the first time. This crazy fucking monster man wants to kill Spider-Man?!? Was he in the comics too I asked myself! I found that yes he was. Except it was incredibly popular at the time and every single issue he was in was worth more than my little nine year old self could buy! Way too much! I pretty much have all of them now. At least the appearances in Amazing Spider-Man, but still none of the Venom Lethal Protector thing. It's like Maximum Carnage here. I don't want to spend the wild ass prices people want for these comics that are not as rare as they think. I'm a cheap jerk I guess.

Anyway for some ungodly reason this is a big story. It was 14 parts. It got a SNES and Genesis game (the only good part of this series is the video game. Play that instead) and well I do not like it and I'm going to have to reread the damn thing again. Such an unnecessary and shitty thing I have to do for you JERKS. Just because I was a lazy jerk myself the first time reading this. Anyway the story starts in an all new Spider-Man comic! It's called Spider-Man Unlimited and it was the fifth Spider-Man title. It would be something that would come out every few months instead of monthly. It only lasted for about 20 something issues before being cancelled in 1998. It is not to be connected to the Spider-Man Unlimited cartoon series that I still have to discuss somewhere on this blog. I don't really want too though.

Anyway the story starts with Cletus Kasady, also known as Carnage escaping from Ravencroft. I am a fan of Venom but Carnage could be a bit much at times. I do still enjoy a few stories he was in though. He spends pages pretty much killing as many guards as possible. We then go to the funeral of Harry Osborn, the second Green Goblin. We then see Cletus Kasady help Shriek escape. And they find Doppleganger you know the weird Spider-Man from the Infinity War story. You think Spider Man is just going to end up teaming up with Venom and maybe Black Cat (seeing as she was at the funeral) but nope. All this story is another character joining the team (Deathlok, Captain America, Nightwatch (yes the spawn ripoff guy) Iron Fist, Morbius, Cloak and Dagger (she "dies" in part 2 but comes back later)all show up with Black Cat and Venom and Spider-Man to fight Demogoblin, Carrion, Doppleganger, Carnage, Shriek, and probably someone else I forgot) Somewhere in here a group of people just go nuts because seeing all the horrible brutality drives them mad until Deathlok seriously steals a machine from the Care Bears to blast everyone with Love. I am only somewhat joking with that sentence too!

This story was mostly uninteresting padding and it really went nowhere. This was clearly one of the worst kinda stories. It's not a legit classic. It's not something goofy and weird. It's not  a story anyone telling really gave a shit about. However you do get some pretty damn good art by the guys drawing the Spider-Man titles at the time. Mark Bagley, Alex Saviuk, Tom Lyle and others. The saddest thing is most of these writers HAVE and even STILL DO good stuff. It's just sometimes hard for someone to care about a story. AND THEY DIDNT. You could literally skip 80% of this story and not be lost. That's not a good thing for any fucking story. I'm not even going to lie to you and say that I actually did re-read everything because I didn't. Fuck this story. I'm going to stick with my rating of D- because the art is really nice but other than that I don't like this story and I'm tired of talking about it.

Random Ass Thoughts #4

 Yep, it's time for another bunch of random ass thoughts that no one asked for but I just feel I gotta get them out on paper. This time I have four of them!

1.) Isn't it fun to have complicated feelings on a complicated subject that fans just don't want to have a serious discussion on? Okay, you all kinda know that I love comic books and Marvel Comics and collect a whole hell of a lot of them. Now if you spend time on Facebook you'd see SO many arguments over who did what in the creation of the characters. You got people who think Stan Lee did it all (He didn't) you got guys who think Jack Kirby did it all (He didn't) You got guys who think it was just Kirby and Ditko (they didn't). My feelings on the whole thing? Yeah it's complicated. I believe that Kirby and Ditko did a LOT of the heavy lifting that Stan Lee gets all the credit for but I'm sorry I do not for a second believe that Stan Lee just sat in the Marvel Offices for like 50 fucking years with his thumb up his ass doing nothing but getting a nice prostate massage. I think he might be the most important figure because he was the glue that held it all together in the beginning. Yeah,  One of the things I like about Marvel is that it hasn't been rebooted really and is still a sixty two ongoing year story. I also don't like how these arguments forget about people who were there in the beginning like Don Heck and Dick Ayers who worked on a lot of comic stories and added to the tapestry of the Marvel Story and deserve the respect and credit for that. Oh and all of the people who created big name characters like Wolverine and The Punisher and Iron Fist and Luke Cage. Oh and the people who came before Stan Lee and Jack Kirby like Bill Everett and Carl Burgos with Namor or The Original Human Torch. What I'm saying is that the Marvel Story is a large story that many many human beings put work and effort into telling. It wasn't made by just one person. Sorry if you don't like that.

2.) I kinda hate the whole "JUST CREATE NEW CHARACTERS" a lot of anti-woke people will yell when a character like the 3rd Robin is shown to be bisexual or something. First off, it's not like the easiest thing in this world to create a new character out of nothing and it's also hard to sell new characters because despite people yelling for them they don't sell as well as you'd think! Also would you be like "oh hey Disney/Warner Brothers I have this great amazing idea and I will just give you this for the small amount of money you'll give me in return!"? Hell no you wouldn't. Unless you are like the biggest idiot in the history of this damn world. Also a new character doesn't mean it's automatically good either! at one point Friends was a new idea and that show sucked ass. The biggest point to all of this is when they make fun of the new characters that happen to be gay or black or transgender! It's like they are dishonest shitheads!

3.) I fucking hate facial hair so much. I hate shaving it. I hate having it on me. I hate it.

4.) The Thames Ident is the coolest thing ever. I love it

That's it. Go away now.

The Final Episode #111: Monster By Mistake (1996, 1999-2003)

 

 

I didn't think it would come to this. I didn't think I would end up discussing this show once once let alone twice, but time makes a fool of us all. I recently because I was THAT bored went around and looked at my blog and I do think while my posts are still not very good they are a massive improvement of what I used to do. Seriously in one of my old reviews of Spider-Man comics I gave the series Maximum Carnage one paragraph. I do not like that story but I feel it's enough of an "important" Spider-Man story that it deserves more than one paragraph. I will be discussing that series again sadly because I feel it deserves more of a in depth look.

The Monster By Mistake TV Review was so terrible that I do not think even portnoyd commented on it. He didn't comment to do the stupid tiresome comedic dance we do that he will never let die. It was that bad. Mostly because I clearly was way too angry at a dumb youtuber and his dumb YouTube video. It was on the movie House (1986) a horror comedy. The reviewer didn't like it and yeah maybe I'm just opinionated but I love that movie and it's very special to me, being one of the many things from my childhood I loved. I don't know if I even mentioned why the video made me mad. The biggest reason was the reviewer calling the movie a ripoff of Evil Dead II (1987). I don't even know if it was some kind of weird joke because I thought that entire idea of saying a movie that 1.) came out prior was a ripoff and 2.) the fact the only things the movie have in common are they take place in a house and are horror comedies made me just give up on that You Tuber without even seeing the video.

Yeah I got so worked up over it that I decided to do what I call an honest review of something I didn't like. I really did not like this show but I will get into that. I really do not like that article and the only thing that keeps me from deleting it is that I don't think it's right for weird reasons I don't really want to get into. I dunno but I'm just going to forget it exists.  Anyway it's finally time to get into my hopefully a little bit more improved discussion on the Monster By Mistake CGI cartoon that aired on Television. I hope that I don't make any weird comments that piss off any hardcore Monster By Mistake fans but I cannot deny that this will not be very positive. 

I think that I've mentioned this before but the Canadian Government wants Canadian Television Channels (like in this case YTV) to have a good amount of Canadian Content. It's not my favorite thing because a lot of Canadian content is not great. A lot of it was "Yeah, I think I'm going to throw some toys I have around instead of watching this" kind of TV show. However they were pretty lenient in the past. If an anime (like Dragon Ball Z or Sailor Moon) had a Canadian voice acting cast then you'd be let in and would count as Canadian content. Any cartoon animated by like Nelvana would also count (like Babar, Adventures of Tintin or Care Bears) and we still got a lot of the shows from Cartoon Network (like Dexter's Lab) or Nickelodeon (did you know that Are You Afraid of the Dark? is a co-production between Canada AND America?), plus reruns of all kinds of other stuff. It wasn't as bad as I remember and I really should discuss some more Canadian content because It's all over the place with quality.

Anyway I must finally get into this show. If I were to ever somehow rate all of the Canadian content that I watched between 1985 and 2003 this show would be put in the F-Tier.  This was the trifecta of Casper the Friendly Ghost and another show that I will leave nameless until we get to it's Final Episode because I like to tease you people with MYSTERY! This was an absolute no. Yes, sometimes I and even you would watch a TV show or cartoon you didn't enjoy because there was nothing else to do and the NES had pissed you off because you played BattleToads for an hour trying to beat the damn turbo tunnel, those three shows had me just deciding to stare at a fucking wall instead. They were that bad. Luckily for me and my sister, I do remember this being a Sunday show (why did channels like this just shove all the junk on Sunday?) and that was a day we'd go visit Family or go to the Flea Market. Both way more entertaining than stinky ass Monster By Mistake. (Now I just wonder how the hell PJ Phresh Phil would have tried to hype us kids up with this show while talking to us during the shows on The Zone) 

Monster By Mistake was created by a guy named Mark Mayerson, which really sounds like a cool Superhero name that Stan Lee would give some Marvel Comics character. He worked for Catapult Productions. I do not know what other things they did in Canadian CGI animation. This is one of the things that made me not want to revisit it. I mean besides not liking it when I was a 14 year old in 1999. CGI Animation ages terribly. I mean I still like Reboot and Beast Wars but I'd be lying if I said the CGI wasn't dated and that was CGI that was GOOD at the time. They were helped by 9 Story Media who worked on a lot of reboots of things like Clifford the Big Red Dog and The Magic School Bus Rides Again. The only thing I know that they made that isn't a reboot that was made after like 2003 was Nerds Vs Monsters that my nieces were kinda into until they found the worst thing ever made YouTube Kids. 

Anyway I'm sure you are dying to find out what the premise of this show was and I will finally tell you. It involves a kid named Warren who finds a magic jewel made by Gorgol or however you spell his stupid name that turns him into a monster whenever he sneezes. His sister tries to help him not be a Monster anymore by using the spell book. Also there is a ghost named Johnny who plays a trumpet because why the hell not?  This whole show just felt slapdash and weirdly pandering. Like hey kids like Monsters and Ghosts so let's just shove them into the equation. All I know is that I spent more time enjoying Pokemon and Dragon Ball Z at this point in my life. Yeah unlike some kids who have been forced to stop watching cartoons at an age like eight. I was still able to watch cartoons at fourteen and my parents didn't care.

So the Final Episode was released in 2003 and I think that makes this show the newest thing I've covered for The Final Episode series of blog posts. Wild. Anyway there was a three year gap between the pilot airing in 1996 during Halloween (I remember it because I was probably waiting for Are You Afraid of the Dark? marathon to start. That or Freaky Stories. or Goosebumps. Something of better quality then this. Then there was another three year gap between 2000 and 2003. Giving you hope that they got rid of it. The CGI changed and somehow got uglier between all three gaps too! Amazing.) Anyway the Final Episode was written by Steve Westren but it's not on the IMDB page for him. I assume it's him because this guy also worked on other 9 Story Media productions. His credits go all the way back to 1995. Wimzie's House, Groundling Marsh, Franklin and Friends, and a lot of other stuff that I have no thoughts or feelings about. It was directed by David Geldart who worked on season 3 of this show and maybe Star Wars Episode II Attack of the Clone Wars.

The shows Final Episode is called Strawberry Jam. Yep. So Tracy the sister to the monster is growing strawberries with their dad, except they aren't doing a good job and Tracy isn't enjoying herself. Oh no! Warren tells her but Dad loves doing it with her! We then see Dad and Mom talking about the same thing and HOLY MOLY Dad doesn't want to garden either! Woah! Thrilling stuff! Anyway Tracy just grabs the Book of Magic Spells and makes the berries appear! And they look great! You know after the fifthy-first time you used the Magic Book and it messed up maybe the character that was shown throughout the show to be intelligent would have realized IT WASN'T A GOOD IDEA. Any way Mom, Warren and Johnny the Jazz Trumpet Playing Ghost with His Jaunty Hat from 1943 eat the strawberries. Only the strawberries make everyone go hyper!

So Tracy then uses the magic spell to make people un-hyper, starting with Mom. Who was painting the walls polka dots! So wacky! I think I get why I did not like this show as a child because it somehow feels pandering and incredibly forced. Ooo it's polka dots! Isn't that funny kids! No. It isn't. Anyway Moms back to normal but now she's tired! Anyway Tracy runs to do Johnny next and he becomes tired! Before she goes to turn Warren back to normal (who is doing tricks to impress his dead eye friends. Seriously this is some of the cheapest AND creepiest CGI animation you could have possibly made.) but she realizes dad took the berries to the Flower Berry Growing Contest thing! Oh no! She quickly turns Warren back and they go of. Notice I did not say Warren turned into the Monster and used his monster powers to get and find dad quickly.

Oh there's a scene where Johnny the Ghost is tired and can't fly up high but can fly two streets ahead to steal coffee from their aunt character who as a cop who hated the Monster. I don't know why but this character was the most annoying of them all.  Yeah if people commented on this they'd be like this was a show for children Michael!!! but I would have called this plot point out as bullshit in 1994 when I was NINE. It's a lazy "oh shit this episode needs to be a scene or two longer! just jam in some shit" from a lazy show that just felt like it was pandering. A lot of shows from the 1980s and 1990s you get the feeling people had some fun making this and it shows within the product itself. Not a single person had any fun making this and it feels like a detention assignment.  One so bad that I could tell at 14 years old.

So they find Dad but before he ate a Strawberry! Oh no! You know this might be the lowest lowest stakes I've seen in something I've reviewed for the Final Episode. Even Charles in Charge had higher stakes and that had Scott Baio who is so bad that I stop giving a shit about anything he's in that isn't the silly ass movie Zapped! . Anyway they get the berries but oh no Dad is freaking out in the Bus! He's gone Hyper!!!!!! In the Bus!!! Anyway there's an insane amount of scenes of Dad just driving all over the place. Then five minutes before the episode ends they get Warren to change into the Monster. To grab the bumper when Johnny the Ghost puts the Strawberries into the bus' gas tank. The Monster then would grab the bumper. You'd think the Strawberries would do more than gum up the tank they'd stop the bus from moving at all. This is clearly "Oh shit we didn't even use the Monster in this episode so we gotta shove him in here" and because it was a Friday they threw it together in the laziest way possible. 

The bus is finally stopped but oh no the lady cop who hates the monster is now here how will we stop her from getting the monster and putting him in jail or something. Thankfully the strawberries in the gas tank blow up and spray stuff all over her so Warren can turn back into Warren! Woah! Anyway Tracy tells her dad she doesn't want to garden and instead make a machine from Young Machine Magazine or some shit. I don't know. You can tell I've clearly checked out. The machine looks like shit. Warren brags to his friend and his sister gives him a stare like he caused this whole mess or something. Anyway this, THE worst Canadian thing ever ends. Yes. I'd rather listen to Justin Beiber for days then ever watch another episode of this show.

FINAL VERDICT: Another thing wrong with the original post about this show is that it was way too nice on the show trying to show the youtube guy that I don't even remember anymore that's the real way to review a thing but it isn't. If you dislike something and have a shitty blog you should just tell the world about it. This was in a 3 way tie for the worst thing on the television when I was a kid. The fact that it could have been replaced by anything except those two other shows would have been an improvement. Anything. A nickelodeon show we didn't get. Reruns of I Love Lucy. A random anime from Japan. Like literally go to Japan and pick the first remotely child friendly to Canada anime you can see and put it there. Anything. Literally anything would be better than this trashy, thrown together nonsense. This was a ugly, lazily written (so bad that a literal child could tell they were just throwing stuff together sense) boring mess of a television show. The worst thing of it all that with people who knew what the fuck they were doing the idea probably could have had some legs but what we got was a man with no legs. Depressing as hell.

The Final Episode #110: The Smurfs (1981 - 1989)

 

Well, you beautiful people sure didn't give a shit about The New Adventures of He-Man and honestly I cannot blame you. So we are taking a break from the He-Man universe for a while. There's at least two more shows I want to talk about related to He-Man. I'm sure you know what they are. Anyway I still wanted to talk about something from the 1980s that was incredibly popular but I always forget about. I don't know why. Anyway I think The Smurfs is the last of the big name 80s cartoons that I have left to talk about. I might have to give a looksee at a list but after this the biggest big name cartoon left would be She-Ra. I think that would count as a big name so I guess I was wrong already in this opening paragraph. Isn't that something?

The Smurfs has a pretty long history to it, so buckle up boys and girls! It all starts in 1928 with the birth of Belgian comics artist Pierre (which is one of the best French names ever) "Peyo" Culliford. At only 19 or so years old the man creates his first comic Johan which in 1954 became Johan and Peewit when well the character Peewit joined. Peewit is a very goofy name that I do enjoy writing and saying. Peewit. It's got pee in the name. Comedy gold. GOLD IS THE SAME COLOR AS PEE!!!! Uh. Okay back to the history of The Smurfs. They show up in a Johan and Peewit story called The Flute with Six Holes. They literally become so popular that Peyo pretty much starts making comics for them. I betcha didn't know the Smurfs are a spinoff! I gotta stop clicking on Wikipedia links or I will go down a rabbit hole reading about European comics that I cannot find here in Canada.

Anyway in 1976 a man named Stuart R. Ross was travelling in Belgium and saw the Smurfs and well history was changed on that day! The Smurfs were brought over to America and that's how Fred Silverman's daughter Melissa got one. That's what gave him the idea of making it into a cartoon in 1981. He then went to Hanna-Barbera and they worked with Peyo (he was very involved with this cartoon) Even though port will do his LOL JOSH HABANRALABARA AND JIMMY BANANANANANA joke that was maybe funny the first time not even he can deny that this was a popular as hell series lasting 258 episodes (which since most episodes had two stories turned into 425 stories overall) and 7 specials. It was without a doubt one of the most popular Saturday Morning Cartoons of all time. It lasted from 1981 to 1989. It was one of the few hits Fred Silverman had during his time!

Anyway I think I'll talk about my history with The Smurfs which isn't much. I remember getting Teletoon Retro, a satellite cable channel in Canada and it showed the Smurfs. I aksed my parents if I had ever watched it and they said I was a big fan when I was like four. I don't remember this but I was also four at the time and what I do remember about being four involves Ninja Turtles and Real Ghostbusters, not blue men and one woman (so weird). I'm pretty sure no channel showed the Smurfs in reruns around here and I'm surprised they didn't. I did for some reason watch both of those live action movies with Doogie Howser and they were absolute dogshit. Do not watch those movies. Ever. Anyway, that's pretty much it for me and the Smurfs.

It's finally time to sit down and watch the Final Episode of the Smurfs! It's a two fer apparently, but it's 23 minutes long. Did the Smurfs show for an hour back then or did I get hornswoggled by internet episode guides again! Anyway I watched it so I'm gonna talk about it. It's called The Golden Rhino and was brought to us on December 2nd, 1989. Apparently they changed things up for the Smurfs in the ninth and final season where they end up time travelling. Wild. Apparently they changed it up because Quantum Leap was popular, or at least that's what Wikipedia said. Anyway I want a crossover of both of those shows now. That would be something else. Anyway the Smurfs are forced to travel throughout time and get sent to Africa. They are trapped on a bridge and almost fall into the water

They are saved by a young African boy named Pricari and his Rhino Rhadu who can turn anything into gold with his horn! Rhadu turns the bridge rope into gold and the Smurfs can climb up it! They do so and Pricari decides to bring them to his village to meet his friends. His friends Stretch (a Giraffe) and Cubby (a lion cub) meet the Smurfs and then we pretty much change over to the bad guys of this episode. A guy named Tamar the Treacherous who has Rhadu's parents. Two other golden rhinos who he has made useless by over taxing them. You know the kind of story this is already if you've seen any 80s/90s cartoon. Anyway he sends his henchmen Azoul out to kidnap Rhadu! He apparently knows where he is and goes after him with some Gorilla Men. I like the way the Gorilla Men look in this episode It's pretty great! Anyway Rhadu, some weird bear creature that hangs out with The Smurfs now and Brainy Smurf go to the woods away from the other Smurfs so that Brainy can turn his books that he's written into gold. He says his words will live on forever. Hey Brainy I think they should actually call you Egotistical Idiot Smurf because how the FUCK are you supposed to open a book after its turn into gold you daft SHIT?

Anyway Brainy gets captured along with Rhadu and they turn Brainy into gold and bring it all back to Tamar who you know starts turning everything into Gold even his fucking food which he wouldn't be able to eat! Jesus man you do realize if you turn everything into Gold it becomes useless right!? Still he turns everything even his bed into gold. Which would not be fun to sleep on but I guess he's just gotta have that gold. He's like that annoying character from the 3rd Austin Powers movie, Goldmember. The only funny part of that movie was Michael Caine and one scene of Dr. Evil talking about his father. Still better than The Love Guru. Just about anything is better than that though. Anyway Pricari, Stupid Idiot Smurf and Painter Smurf along with his animal friends come to save Rhadu! They all end up in the dungeon except for Pricari who pulls an invention out of his butt that saves the day. It's this thing with some wooden hands that move. I do not remember if they ever mentioned he was an inventor or not but it made me go "huh?" when it happened. Anyway they save the day by rescuing Rhadu. 

They escape in one of Tamar's ships and Tamar follows him after them in his new ship that he wanted turned into gold. They try to use the wooden hand invention again and it ends up failing. Tamar finally catches up with them but they got the three Rhinos to put their horns together and end up turning his ship into gold. He then tells Azoul to remember where the ship sank because he's coming back for it. I'm glad this guy doesn't have any more golden rhinos or golden gooses or golden touches because he uses it too much. Anyway this episode was actually a lot more fun than I am making it sound and I actually enjoyed it. I just like Gorilla Men and making fun of Brainy Smurf.

The next episode that was a part of this was called Hearts N Smurfs and was quite shorter than the other episode and I enjoyed it more. Anyway this episode involves Cupid and Holland! So yes the Smurfs do in fact wear clogs and it's very cute. I think thats why I like it more. I'm a very simple man to please. Anyway we see Cupid making animals and all that fall in love and be happy nice people. We also see this episodes bad guy Van Garg... an ancestor of Gargamel from later on and yes he does have the exact kind of cat. Except his cats name is Hans because you know Holland. We also see him destroying a tulip. Van Garg almost has Cupid but the Smurfs time travelling knocks him into the water but also hurts Cupid's wings so he has to go to the Smurfs for help. He trains three Smurfs, Hefty (who apparently is supposed to be Strong but whenever I see the word Hefty I think big old fat guy) Clumsy, and Brainy into Cupids to help him until his wings heal. You'd think Clumsy would be the one who would get captured first but nope it's Egotistical Idiot Smurf who gets captured by Van Garg and turned into a bad guy. He then turns everyone else into bad guys and it's only due to a mistake by Hefty (who hits a rain cloud with an arrow turning it into a love cloud. The love cloud turns Van Garg into a nice guy and he and his cat Hans run around Holland being nice. Papa Smurf puts the Time Crystals together and hopefully they will return home this time. 

FINAL VERDICT: These were two charming fun little adventures starring a bunch of blue men and one woman (still so weird). They did not have my favorite Smurf, Gay Stereotype Smurf in them but I will always be happy to make fun of Brainy Smurf. Anyway this just reminds me of a question I want to ask, what's better a good but not really "final" Final Episode or a bad episode that does end things? I mean I'd rather watch this over Sabrina the Teenage Witch or New Adventures of He-Man any day. Maybe that's for a special edition where I go over all the types of Final Episodes. I dunno. Anyway I've written enough about this stuff for today.

The Final Episode #109: The New Adventures of He-Man (1990)

 

Two things I want to point out before I go into this show. The first one is well actually it's a question. Has there EVER been an actually good TV show with NEW ADVENTURES in the title? Like I racked my brain going over and over wondering if I could find one. It seems that AT BEST I can think of The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. I mean That's the only one I can remember people ever talking about positively. So that's why I ask the readers of this fine blog if there are any others that anyone has ever mentioned positively. The second point is when this show flopped, Mattel didn't put out more money for another He-Man series. They realized it's time in the sun had come and gone and let it stay gone for a while. They actually realized that absence makes the heart grow fonder or some Shakespeare shit. Don't look at me for cultured seriousness. I watch things like Surf Nazis Must Die. I have zero culture within my body and I've made peace with that.

Anyway, a while back on my failed YouTube channel I wanted to do a series where I talked about every TV show YTV ever showed. I know they showed He-Man and She-Ra because that's where I watched reruns of that show. They also showed this show which I do not remember at all. I mean okay fine I was five years old at the time but I still remember other things from that age. I remember playing Mega Man 2 A LOT for my NES during that time. It was around my younger sister was being born. Me and my old man just hung out a lot while my mother was in the hospital. It was a wild time for all of us. I just find it interesting that they picked this up. I dunno. I just needed a pointless filler paragraph so shut up.

So The New Adventures of He-Man was Mattel's last attempt at making He-Man a thing again. Between 1982 and 1985 the shit sold like fucking hotcakes (I've never had a hotcake and I don't know if I want too because if I didn't like it I would never know peace again because I wouldn't be able to use that dumb saying anymore) and like all kinds of toy lines and cartoon series and just about everything else, It's time in the sun just went. By 1990 all the kids wanted Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Ghostbusters. At least that's what I wanted!  As you can tell by how much discussion there has been on The New Adventures of He-Man that it was a flop. Flopping harder than Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie. Yes it was that bad of a flop.

So you might be asking yourself "What is that beautiful house?" and I'll tell you that this is a blog post and not a Talking Heads song. Okay with that terrible terrible joke out of the way it's time to talk about Jetlag Productions the American offshoot of some French animation company created by DAMIEN'S HERO JEAN CHALOPIN. That's right bitches! The original head of DIC Animation! Before Andy Heyward took over the company! Jetlag did New Adventures of He-Man and a lot of terrible animated movies that Good Times Productions put out. If you watch the YouTuber Phelous you've seen or probably will see some of their movies on his show. Jetlag didn't do much to be honest and their most famous thing is probably this show. Which seeing as no one talks about it, that's not very good at all.

The only positive I can think of for this show is that everyone on the voice cast seemed to end up working on the Canadian dub of Dragon Ball Z. which cause of CanCon laws meant it was at least enough Canadian content that it could be shown over and over again. Yes I think I've mentioned it before but Canada's government MAKES people make Canadian content like TV shows. They just don't give them enough money so very rarely do you get something that's not hot ass from Canada. Anyway that dub had a lot of talented people like Scott McNeil on it. In fact it seems the only person who didn't do something for Dragon Ball Z was Garry Chaulk but he voiced Optimus Primal from Beast Wars and I just HAD to mention him. Sadly they don't be seem to be giving this their all like they did for other series.

Anyway this show is just really generic and seriously feels like they jammed He-Man in there at the last minute. I'll tell you about the First Epiosde too because I really really do not plan to come back and talk about this show again. Yes, There are things I plan to talk about more than once on this blog. We spend most of the episode with boring boring characters. Just seriously thrown together at the last second on A Friday before the big meeting on Monday. Just blah. This wouldn't be the worst thing in the world but it's supposed to be a  sequel series to He-Man where all of the characters were at least charming or goofy enough to be fun. This is just a sci fi show where He-Man (and Skeletor) are brought to the future. They literally have two characters just bring them both back because they can't tell which one of them is good. Oh and He-Man beats the Mutants back in like 15 seconds. Way to make us give a shit about these bad guys! Oh and one of the mutants is called Slushhead. I remember Portnoyd going off about some characters that weren't supposed to ever be used again in a Teen Titans issue because they had lazy names but they decided to go with SLUSHHEAD for 65 episodes. They were clearly not bringing their A-Game to this material and I can't really blame them.

The animation from this show is fine. Nothing amazing but fine. I felt like I had to mention that here because I will not be talking about this show ever again hopefully. (Unless I do a Bottom 10 Final Episodes Ever List) The character designs for the new characters are fine I guess. They don't beat any of the fun designs from Filmation. Oh and I don't know why they didn't stop in 1987 with the Masters of the Universe movie that was a flop so big it literally took down Cannon Films (along with Superman IV: The Quest for Peace). I mean I like that movie quite a bit but it does not change the fact that it was a flop and clear evidence that the kids had moved on from He-Man. I guess they felt like they had to give it another go just to make sure. It's sure great to be the head of a giant corporation that can just flush tons of money down a fucking toilet.

Oh, The Final Episode is it seems a two parter, or picks up off a cliffhanger from another episode or whatever. I usually review both episodes in this case but I'm not wasting any more of my precious God given time on this. No one except the animatiors were giving it anything above a C-Grade Attempt so why the hell should I give anything more? Nope, not this time, buckaroos! Anyway the Final Episode is called "The Final Invasion" and it was a five part ending. Ain't no way I'm doing that. So you know in Cartoons and Movies and other tv shows where they have a big tournament and all kinds of characters compete to fight. Yeah it's like that but sci-fi-y. He-Man and his boring new friends that suck ass won the day but oh no the alien guys lied and are keeping them in their Intergalactic Zoo (another concept done more enjoyably in many other places! Wow!) 

He-Man realizes that the SUPER CRYSTALS or whatever shit that are powering their guns (which  don't work against the lazer wall keeping them in the jail cell) and shoves them in the place where they are given food and shoots it with his sword which you think they bad guy alien idiots would have taken away from him! They then see the ship is in tatters but its just them making them think that! He-Man's magic powers make the ship look fine. The bad guy aliens then say they keep people here because they are lonely! Yeah. He-Man is like why don't you guys try to be nice and make friends and they are like We will let you leave to save Primus, not something like Neo-Eterina or something but Primus, alright. whatever. The Mutants get there before the Galactic Guardians (they do not deserve a name that cool)

The Female Mutant Lady actually comes off as kinda scary but He-Man and the good guys show up and Skeletor disappears for some reason. They literally stop the main mutants so fucking quickly I didn't even know what happened for a second! They then get them to agree to a treaty and stop fighting. This is when Skeletor shows up and the Female Mutant Lady joins him and since there's like 3 minutes left to the show and they still have to do the credits He-Man and The Random Lady fight and win easily. They trap Skeletor and Female Mutant Lady into a space ship and send them into space. They talk about how Skeletor won't be able to stop the WAY OF THE MAGIC or some bullshit. The Female Mutant Lady asks Skeletor if they will just float in space forever and Skeletor vows that he will find a way to get back and destroy He-Man once and for all! Just like the 1987 movie and frankly I want to see what they would have done in a sequel for THAT way more than this crap.

FINAL VERDICT: If I can give this show one thing is that there's at least an ending. This was Final. This wasn't another adventure of the week episode. No they ended things. It sure as fuck wasn't satisfying but it WAS an ending. No one really cared enough about this product and it shows. Everyone was like paycheck time! Yeah I know just about all animation and hollywood and movies and all that shit is made to get a paycheck but at least sometimes people care! They didn't care at Mattel. They didn't care in the voice over booths. The people writing the scripts didn't care and probably wished to be on any other piece of entertainment over this. I'll show you how bad this show is. Toy collectors barely if ever seem to talk about this show and if you can't get those rascals to care then I do not think anyone could. This is probably the worst fucking Final Episode I've ever discussed and I want to forget about The New Adventures of He-Man.

Random Ass Thoughts Part 3

Alright. It seems like this place is here to stay! Wow! I did not expect it to even get this far but I like posting thoughts that just randomly pop into my head so

 

 1.)  The motion picture association of america. the dickheads that give the movie a rating from G to NC-17 and I don't disagree that a movie should have a rating and all that. Help people choose to see a movie they want too. Nothing wrong there. What's wrong is when they decide to be moral crusaders for all of the world. For example you can see a penis in an R-rated movie. YOU SHOW A VAGINA. NO SIR NC-17!!! that's already unfair as shit! I want to see Vaginas too damnit! Also No gay sex of any kind! And all horror movies that show any blood are offensive to people, I mean any one offended by blood that decided to walk into Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan deserves to be offended. The MPAA were a much of fart sniffing assholes who would just willy nilly say any movie they didn't like or were offended by needed to be an X. That's not a fair way to run an organization like this and it's not a fair way to let people create things. Oh and Steven Spielberg (who was friends with Jack Valenti who was the head of the MPAA...) , a guy who made a lot of movies that I like got in with them and they gave Saving Private Ryan an R rating because it wasn't exploitative. oh blow me. They should have had fair and honest rules and I'm glad streaming movies can at least tell them to eat a dick and fuck off. This is why I say the MPAA is full of jerks who suck.

2.) Movie Critics. I can't think of a stupider job that people in this world take serious. Like somehow any movie critic is somehow has a more important and thoughtful opinion on a movie then anyone else. I will never get why anyone lets anyone decide if they will watch a movie or not. You know how I decide if I will watch a movie. I see the trailer or a poster or hear a friend go IT WAS NEAT. and I'll go "Yeah let's go with it". I think it's weird how Movie Critics can or at least one point could have power over people and get them to go WELL ROGER EBERT SAID IT WAS DOOKIE SO I DONT HAVE TO WATCH IT!!!!!!!!!! Also you should see the movies some of these guys hated. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Predator. Scarface. Poltergeist. Beverly Hills Cop. Oh and by these guys I mean Gene Siskel. Yes. He didn't like any of those movies but you know what he did like the forgotten family comedy Baby's Day Out that I saw when I was nine years old and if you think I'm an easily pleased dumbass with no taste then just realize that when I was nine I was literally twenty times more easily pleased so for me to go "No that wasn't very good" was fucking insane. Literally fucking insane. Oh and Roger Ebert was wrong about tons of movies and also praised Cop and A Half. I also didn't like that as a damn easily amused child who would just smack those door stopper things around and laugh. No joke I would do that. I probably still would. I wish people would just give a movie a shot because they thought it looked neat or  maybe listen to their friends because they know each other as people or anyone else over boring ass movie critics that think they are the smartest people in the room. Plus the vast majority of them were always up horror movies ass like something fierce. calling them misogynistic and all that. Fuck movie critics. They are also jerks who suck

3.) I want to end this off on something positive because well, it's a good way to go. Let's talk about how great movie trailers used to be. Seriously a movie trailer from the past could make any single movie look like it was the most amazing thing ever filmed. I like seriously miss a guy just talking to you about the movie in the trailer. They do not do that very much or at all these days. Movie trailers today are just less well done. I miss that. Anyway I want to end this minor thought off with a love letter to Don LaFontaine. You know the IN A WORLD guy. He had the greatest voice in the history of voices. I wish so much that I had a voice like that instead of the weird cartoon character going through puberty voice I do have. Anyway I miss old timey movie trailers and feel they just slap any old crap together for new stuff. I wish I had known I had it all so good.

Anyway, that's it. Go away.

The Final Episode #108: The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961 - 1966)

 

I like to keep things fresh around here. I like to make sure that I'm never talking about the same kind of show too many times in a row. I make sure the cartoons are different enough when I talk about a bunch of them in a row. I like to make sure I talk about shows from different decades because as I've said before in the 1990s you would easily come across movies and tv shows from different decades and you'd watch them because Mega Man II was pissing you off and you didn't want to hang out with Robert the big eared kid from across the street so you watched the black and white Dennis the Menace sitcom (which YTV did air in like the 1990s but I remember the cartoon by DIC so much more. I'm just using it as an example). Syndication filled up all the spots with stuff from the past that I would watch all the time including Bewitched and The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. I don't think The Dick Van Dyke Show ever aired anywhere on the channels we got here in Newfoundland during the 1990s but I cannot be sure. Anyway I picked The Dick Van Dyke show because I have never seen it. Also because I haven't talked about a show from the 1960s since The Munsters in Halloween of 2021.

Anyway. Dick Van Dyke. What can you say about the man. Well I can say that I really liked his younger brothers antics on the 1990s sitcom Coach a whole hell of a lot. He and Patrick Star really worked together very well to annoy Craig T Nelson to the delight of my child self. Dick Van Dyke however I never saw anything of him until I was well into adulthood and it was mostly his movies. I really enjoyed Fitzwilly and the silly ass Disney live action comedy Never a Dull Moment. The man started his career in 1947 at like 21 or 22 years old and is apparently in a movie called Capture the Flag that is coming out this year. That's a 76 year fucking career! The man's more active than I am and he's 97 years old at the time of this post! He started on stage with an act called Eric and Van the Merry Mutes. I love that name and I just had to mention it. I also have to mention that he has an a capella group and that just reminds me of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? and I just find that delightful.

It is now time to talk about the TV show that he's still probably most remembered for. The Dick Van Dyke Show (can I say that some of the best sitcoms were just The [Insert Actor Name Here] Show. It's a good idea to look for shows like that.). It starts Dick Van Dyke as Rob Petrie a writer and Mary Tyler Moore as his wife. The show was created by Carl Reiner who I think most people know as Mel Brooks' buddy but he made some great movies himself. I myself very much enjoy Oh, God!, The Jerk and The Man With Two Brains a great deal and think they are cool and good movies. Rob works as a writer for a comedy variety show, a kind of show that does not exist any more but my dad will blather on about how great Red Skelton was! I wonder how one would talk about a Final Episode of a show like that.  Maybe I should try and find out. He works with other people and WILD ANTICS insue! 

Now I will discuss The episode "The Man From My Uncle". The 27th episode of the fifth and final season of this show. It starts with Rob wanting to talk to his wife who is reading a magazine or newspaper article (You see these were things people read to learn about things before the internet) and to get to her to talk to him he puts two glasses of water on the backsides of her hands so she cant remove them. I really get the feeling some extreme left wingers are now writing think pieces about how problematic this is because they can't laugh at the most innocent of silly husband-wife jokes because all extremists are miserable people. Uh, my political statement aside, a knock at the door happens and it's a G-Man! You see that's what they called government agents back then. I think we should bring it back. I like the way it sounds! Anyway they want to use the house so they can look upon another neighbour whos nephew is a criminal agent!

The G-Man in this episode is played by Godfrey Cambridge, an underrated African American comedian/actor from the 1960s and 1970s.  I enjoy seeing him pop up in things and always thought he was a funny guy that worked with with other actors. It's a shame he passed away at only age 43 in 1976. He plays Harry Bond ("Please no jokes") and is pretty much annoyed to shit by Rob who is so fucking exicted that a G-Man is in his house! All kinds of very amusing stuff happens and I don't actually want to ruin it. I would just recommend you check out this episode. It's a lot of fun.

The Final Episode of the Dick Van Dyke Show was entitled "The Last Chapter" and was aired for the first time on June 1st, 1966. It was the 158th show done for the TV program. You see back in the 1950s and 1960s they pumped a show out like there was no tomorrow so you'd end up with like 158 episodes in like 5 years instead of 8 or 9. Anyway speaking of pumping out large amounts of material, the Final Episode is something we call a clip show. A clip show is just what it sounds like a episode that just shows clips from older episodes. It was done a lot up until the 2000s. Like even in the 1990s and 2000s you'd think they wouldn't be able to get away with it but they did. Even into the era of VCRs that people used to tape every episode of a show! I'm pretty sure the last Clip show was an episode of the Simpsons called Gump Roast. I don't know why they called it that because I saw it once and I don't care to see it again.

The big problem with clip shows these days is that you have the entire show at your finger tips and can easily watch it all from beginning to end. If you like say the show I'm talking about right now you can easily go through it in a matter of days or even a few months just watching an episode or two a day. You'd easily remember the clips from this Final Episode by the time you got there. It was fine in 1966 but not so much today. The only clip show episodes I can even think of being worth watching was an episode of Duckman making fun of clip shows. An episode of Clerks the Animated Series making fun of clip shows and The Simpsons 137th Episode Spectacular.  They were just usually lazily done and I'd rather have a narrative ending to the show. (To be fair to this episode the clips they do show are hilarious but I'd have rather seen them in their actual episodes when they original showed up.) 

The other big problem is that when you do a weird silly ass series of blog posts. It's really hard to talk about clip shows. The new material in this episode is Rob giving his wife the manuscript of his autobiography on the wild stuff that has happened to them while they had been married. Mary Tyler Moore thinks of some old clips from episodes and then at the end Carl Reiner's character Alan Brady says they are gonna make a TV show out of it after the book people Rob sent the book too said it was terrible. That's it. That's not a lot to talk about. It feels weird to discuss the clips to me. I dunno. Clip shows are just a insanely dated topic that I do not think can or should be done today. It's a completely outdated concept in our streaming world. Hell it was honestly completely outdated the second Syndication became a thing and EVEN more outdated when VCRs became a thing! I don't have enough material here and I just want to complain!

FINAL VERDICT: Clip shows are not my favorite thing but I still had some very good solid laughs and that's always a good time. I will definitely becoming back to this tv program.

Random Ass Thoughts Part 2!

 What!? I'm actually keeping this going?! Holy shit what a surprise. So I guess that I want to empty my head of random ass thoughts so that two or three people will comment on them but then again no one could comment and I'd still start blathering all over the place here on blogger. It's fun to do. You should do it too!

1.) The first thing I want to talk about is people treating a piece of entertainment from like 20, 30, 40, 50 years ago as if it were made in 2023. I'm sorry but that's not how it goes. You have to take the product on its own terms as a piece of entertainment made in that time. You can't go "HOW DARE THEY" to something made in 1984 and then write up a silly pointless think piece. You can't change the movie or tv show and you can't ban it either. I don't care if it's the most offensive thing ever and I'm also bothered by it. It's still a part of history no matter how small and banning things like that just starts a slippery slope. I dunno, I think I'm just tired of seeing think pieces about how this thing from 1982 didn't hold up for you because you went at it with 2023 sensibilities. We can't change the past but we can make the future better which I think is the better thing to do but what do I know?

2.) Elon Musk is you know that annoying kid that no one liked in the neighborhood but his parents had enough money and no sense to literally buy him everything he wanted in life so you had to put up with him so you could play with the TMNT Hockey thing. The fooseball thing. Just with hockey. I think its called fooseball. Anyway I actually had that thing and it was pretty cool, but he's the kid who literally had every thing. He had the sega genesis, the SNES, the NES, the gameboy and the Turbo Graphix. He literally just wanted all this stuff because he was an annoying weirdo that wanted to be your friend and he thought he could get it by getting his parents to buy all this stuff for him. He is now way richer than any human being should be (Tax the shit out of billionaires. no seriously I do not give a flying fuck about your opinion on this. Tax them. No one deserves that fucking amount of money) and literally buys Twitter and is now letting Right Wing people do whatever they want and unlike the kids who had no political ideals and didn't want to spend time with him they are eating his shit and asking for more. Elon Musk sucks and I hate having to hear about him. I want him to go away forever.

3.) David Zaslav is perfect proof of a dumb son of a bitch falling upwards in Hollywood. The man is now selling all kinds of rights away for Warner Brothers IP, (also this year is the studio's 100th birthday) and wrecking the shit out of Turner Classic Movies. Martin "Marty" Scorsese (I don't care to look up his name), Steven Spielberg and Paul Thomas Anderson apparently all got on a call to him about this. Seriously I don't know how someone can get so hated by so many people so quickly. The animation  community is probably not working with him again because of all of the cartoons he cut down to save minuscule amount of money. Maybe he should have tried to get the company for less than 49 billion dollars. 

4.) I seriously don't get conservatives. If you want to make money just go on You Tube and spout any kind of conservative ideals and they will throw money at you like they have billions of dollars. Are you all so insecure about your beliefs that you have to give idiot youtubers that scream woke all kinds of money? I don't throw money at people who are left wing on YouTube or anything really. You gotta entertain me before I throw out the money. Whatever.

5.) Getting this crap out of my brain is a good thing. Just having it down on paper feels good even if they are pointless random ass thoughts.

Anyway, uh. yeah. That's it. Have fun.

I'm selling out!

 http://www.mycomicshop.com/?AffID=610112P01 go to this site and buy crap ya bums.

 

I want new comics so help me by buying comics!!!

Random Ass Thoughts Part 1.

 I guess it's time for me to start up yet another blog post series where I talk about random ass shit. It could be about anything that I'm annoyed by or happy with. Things that just pop into my head in succession (I will try to have at least 3 points to discuss/rant with you about.) So let's get this first and probably last (let's be fair) blog post of this series out.

The first of three things today I will be ranting about is the weird assumption that The Avengers, Captain America, Iron Man and Thor were like the least popular least beloved least cared about characters of all time in comic book history before the movies lovingly took them out of complete and total obscurity and giving them the fame and fortune they deserved.  Now, I'm not going to say that the movies didn't make them forty seven thousand times more popular and bring them UP to the level of the X-Men or Spider-Man, but the thing is they were still popular and had fans. Sure people who don't cling to every bit of nostaliga for the past and have normal function working lives may have not heard of them, but comic book fans knew who they were. The way these people go about it you'd think these characters and team had no importance AT ALL to the Marvel Comics Universe before the stupid movies that everyone shits their pants over (sorry but the comics are and will always be better. You'll never see something as beautiful as CapWolf on the big screen!) but those characters were important to the comic universe. Yeah you can bring up the fact they didn't sell super well in the 1990s but the 1990s was a weird fucking time for comics and a lot of stuff went by the way side. I get the feeling portnoyd is going to argue with me on this but I just don't believe their series would have lasted 3 or so decades if no one liked them. The most popular? no, but hell Iron Man was at least thought of a good enough thing for Universal to buy the movie rights to him in 1990 (when comic book movies were a nice little treat and not every movie you can see)

The second of three things I will discuss today is well it's a twitter post. Yes I know what you will be saying about that portnoyd. Eat me. I want my already shitty mental health to deteriorate faster so I use twitter. Anyway during some guy arguing with twitter that Iron Man was at least somewhat popular and that he did know of him before the movies (do not I repeat do not argue with any human being on twitter because it is a pointless waste of time. I seriously believe some people will just argue against you because they just feel like it.) and the guy said "movies don't have longveity unless they are the Fast and the Furious" and I was fucking gobsmacked by that comment. Dude if their were no longevity to these movies, movie studios wouldn't be trying to bring back every fucking thing from 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years ago. Okay, for example Friday the 13th started in 1980 which is now forty three years ago (wow I feel old) and they are making a fucking prequel series for it. forty three years after it was made they are still milking that cow and people will view it. I don't think I will and it will probably be the one thing from that franchise I never watch (yes I plan to watch the short lived tv series who do you think I am?) a lot of movie series still have longevity like I dunno James FUCK ASS Bond which started sixty one fucking years ago. Also why is it so nice to type numbers as letters like instead of 61 you type sixty one. Feels cool like I'm rebelling against something.

The final topic of the day is "What is the Golden Age of the Simpsons?" So many people will argue this point. Most fans talk about seasons 3 to 8 being the Golden Age. Some put in season 9. It's just interesting to see what gets considered Golden Age for that show. Frankly if you are talking to me you NEED to put in Seasons 1 and 2. Yeah Season 1 is wonky with the animation but The Simpsons seriously changed shit right out of the gate, well not exactly right out of the gate because the Tracy Ullman Shorts weren't setting the world on fire but the second they got their half hour show shit went WILD. Frankly I'd have the first nine seasons be the Golden Age. Yes even season nine for some of you goobers. Yes, there are cracks in the foundation that come around season nine. I will never argue with you there but there's no way I can't lie and say I find so many episodes (even the really goofy ones) of Season nine to be hilarious. It's weird though because Season ten clearly has so many episodes I don't care about and Season eleven has even less. I wonder if I were to watch every episode starting at the beginning how far I could get before the show became completely unwatchable and had not a single amusing piece of dialogue in it. I'm going to guess somewhere around where Homer gets raped by the panda in I think season twelve. I believe that's where I gave up as a teenager. 

Anyway, three pieces of crap thoughts for you to chew on....actually don't chew on my thoughts because that's weird. Just talk about them. Jerk.

The Final Episode #107: He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (1983 - 1985)

 

This is a genuine surprise to me.  That I didn't talk about He-Man before this. I think It's because of my "oh that show is now in my head so let's find its Final Episode and talk about it" kind of deal and not any kind of planning out stuff. I mean I planned out a few Christmas episodes around Christmas and a few Syndicated shows after that but for about 106 of these I just picked whatever random show popped into my head at that moment and I like the flow of that honestly even if it ends up with me taking one hundred and seven posts to finally get to one of the most popular animated series of the 1980s and without a doubt Filmation's most famous animated project. Brace in folks this is gonna be a wild ride because I'm finally talking about He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.

So let's first start back in the beginning, the beginning of the animated studio Filmation. A company that got flack but had heart and it's own charm. Yes, this is your old buddy Michael sticking up for the admittedly cheap animation of the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s from internet people who want you to only look and appreciate and enjoy the newest animation from Disney. Your buddy Michael ain't like that and he ain't playing that game homey! These things are a part of animation history even if they were made to sell toys and yes I will not doubt that but they still had charm and heart to the animation. There's a reason ANIMATION TWITTER that they keep bringing this stuff back. It's not that it's just a money making thing it's that children and manchildren enjoy them!

So Filmation pretty much started with three men who worked for Larry Harmon Pictures. An animation studio created by a man named............Larry Harmon. I mean it's not really a surprise because it's in the name of his studio. Anyway he was himself a blow hard. The man claimed to have created Bozo the Clown (he didn't that was the original voice of Goofy from the Disney cartoons Pinto Colvig. He and Gaylord DeBois clearly have the most 19th Century names a person COULD have and I love them for it. He also claimed to be a good friend of Stan Laurel of Laurel and Hardy because of the cartoon he made of Laurel and Hardy but one of the last letters Laurel wrote was of wanting to sue that asshole. The asshole in question being Mr. Larry Harmon. His studio made Popeye cartoons, Mr. Magoo cartoons, and Bozo the Clown cartoons. I don't know what Popeye or Mr. Magoo cartoons I would watch as a kid but I'm going to assume it was a mix of the really old Fleisher and UPA stuff. I don't think I ever saw the Laurel and Hardy cartoon but I do know a video store used them kinda as mascots on their sign. Wild. I also never saw anything related to Bozo the Clown and probably only know Bozo the Clown because of Seinfeld. "YOU'RE HUNG UP ON SOME CLOWN FROM THE SIXTIES MAN!"

Anyway that long ass paragraph was necessary but with someone with talent and even an editor could have made way better but you don't come to this blog for that you come to this blog for weird half thought out ramblings about some random thing that popped into my head. Anyway Larry Harmon Pictures is where three men, Norm Prescott, Hal Sutherland and Lou Scheimer all met each other for the first time. And now you know how to connect the original voice of Goofy to the guys at Filmation. It really is a small world after all. Anyway they started in 1962 and their first project or what they wanted to be their first project was Journey Back to Oz but that would not come to fruition until 1972. They mostly did commercials until I believe CBS called them to do a Superman cartoon. They said yes but the major hitch was DC Comics wanted to check out their company which had at that point all 3 men who created it would always be there so that if debtors were calling they would never get to talk to same man twice. They weren't in a great place.

Still they actually fooled DC by getting their wives and siblings and any person they could to show up there and pretend that they were working on things. They even got an animator from Hanna-Barbera to show up for half a day before he pretended to have a toothache to leave. It worked and they got the Superman show. Then a Batman show. and Aquaman. Then Archie. Then Fat Albert. Then He-Man. Okay yeah there's a ton of stuff in between that stuff but those are the big things Filmation did. I've already talked about Fat Albert and their version of  Ghostbusters and I'm surprised I haven't done more. 

Anyway He-Man wasn't created by Filmation, only the cartoon. The creation of He-Man was done by Mattel in 1982. I believe they were trying to get the Conan the Barbarian license but someone else got it. So they created He-Man. Well a man called Roger Sweet created He-Man by using old Big Jim figures and a whole lot of clay. He called him He-Man because he thought it was a powerful name that you could just drop into any kind of place. I'm pretty sure when it came to the rest of the characters and battle animals they were brought into existence by a ton of people at Mattel. I should have watched the Toys That Made Us episode on He-Man but I did not. I literally woke up and was like MAN I WANNA TALK ABOUT THE HE-MAN WOO! 

Anyway I think it's time to finally, finally talk about the actual last episode of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe! It was called The Cold Zone and was first broadcast on November 21st, 1985 and was written by shain's favorite person of all time J. Michael Strayznickdfghrfadfsfdsafgswewhdfdisdky. No I'm not looking up how to spell his last name SHAIN. Now be good. Anyway before we get into this episode I just gotta tell you about some of the things I love about this show. I like most fans of it enjoy the now campy nature. That's a given, but I also love the character designs. Man at Arms looks like a gay pornography star from the 1970s and that's great! He-Man has more muscles than humanly possible! Orko is just a cutie! I just love it and them. I love the music, both the theme song and the stuff that just plays during the episodes. I love the backgrounds in this cartoon and other Filmation cartoons. I guess they couldn't get the most amazing animation so they made sure that the backgrounds were creative and fun. They make Eternia look like a real place if that makes any sense. I dunno. I'm just overwhelmed with entertainment because this has been the first time I saw He-Man since the days when I had Teletoon Retro (by the way fuck Cartoon Network for killing Teletoon. Fuck.)

The episode starts with Orko doing a spell and fucking it up. Causing three robot birds of Man at Arms to fly away. Orko then goes and catches them and a giant crazy ass machine comes to them and its Kobra Khan the bad guy snake guy! I love snake guys in any kind of thing because they allways do the SSSSSSSSSSSSS thing whenever a word has an s in it. I am sorry but that will never get old to me. If it ever does I don't know if life would be worth it to continue living. the Snake Men doing the SSSSSS thing is that important to me. Anyway he tells He-Man that his people's The Eternal Flame has gone out and that they will all soon start to fall asleep FOREVER! This gets He-Man (whos Prince Adam at the moment), Cringer, Orko and Man at Arms to check it out. They then get into an crazy awesome vehicle (that in 1985 you could have bought for 14.99 but now you have to spend 149.99 to get it)

Anyway they run afoul of a monster that well He-Man kicks the fucking shit out of. Tying all of its arms together and just does it without giving a single fuck. Kobra Khan then even saves Man at Arms but you hear him thinking WAIT UNTIL WE GET TO MY PEOPLES PLACE HAHAHAHA. also there are several times when you just hear what the snake men are saying and even then they still do the SSSSS thing. It's beautiful. It's wonderful. I love it. They then get to the Snake Cave, which is which what I'm calling the place the Snake Men  (and probably Women) live in. They are stopped by the Snake Men who aren't Kobra Khan who think He-Man took away the Eternal Flame because Kobra Khan said so!!!!

Kobra Khan after getting the king to take He-Man and the gang away also gets the king to agree to let him become the new king if he takes care of the Eternal Flame problem. He then goes and pretty much talks to himself about how he used an icicle to cool down the flame but the problem is the icicle has done its job TOO well! However another Snake Man named Scales was listening and then goes to help He-Man. However he gets there just in time to see He-Man knock the shit out of the door keeping them in jail. They go to Eternal Flames room and Man at Arms said the Flame is too far down in the earths core for them to help.

He-Man is like BITCH PLEASE and literally uses his sword to knock down a giant stalagmite. He grabs it and TWISTS IT AROUND LIKE A DRILL UNTIL HE HITS THE MOLTEN CORE OF THE EARTH. He-Man is fucking awesome and anyone who disagrees can choke on a pile of ass! A incredibly smelly pile of ass. I will not let any He-Man sass enter this blogs comment section YOU HEAR! Kobra Khan then pretty much outs himself because half way through his little speech the King himself comes by. The King asks him again if He-Man is guilty and Kobra Khan says yes! He-Man says "Oh boy not again!" or some saucy 1980s cartoon comment. I like the word saucy. It's fun. 

The King's Guards actually grab Kobra Khan and the King tells him he's not listening to him the second time! The king then says he will let He-Man become king because that was the deal but He-Man is like "NAH BRO kobra khans a big jerk and tricked you. You stay king. I want to punch shit." They then do the fade out thing and it's now a big thing with a lot of cartoons from this era. The public service announcement. Man at Arms tells us that we should look at the whole big picture before making a decision. Yeah, many people has made fun of these things because they are cheesy and all but I'm not going to because that's a fucking lesson a lot of human beings (including myself) should really listen to more often.

FINAL VERDICT: I didn't know where to mention this but apparently according to Lou's daughter Erika (who voiced She-Ra!) Filmation was the gayest place in town. She should know being a lesbian and all. I figure that means I can call He-Man a pride month selection! YEAH! Anyway this episode was a fucking hoot and a half! Would rank pretty high on the whole Final Episode sheet list thing If I ACTUALLY kept one of those. I really should have but hey hindsight is twenty twenty.

The Flash (2023) was a big pile of shitty puke.

 

This movie was in development since like I think 2015 or 2016. So it's finally out and DC Movies has changed hands many times because they made so many wrong headed decisions at Warner Brothers. The first one was letting Zack Snyder do anything with these characters because his movies were somehow incredibly depressing and really annoying. The scene where Pa Kent is like NO MY SON WITH LITERAL SUPER POWERS WHO COULD GET TO ME BEFORE ANYONE SAW HIM DO NOT SAVE ME. I WANT TO DIE A PAINFUL DEATH IN THIS TORNADO is the dumbest fucking moment in any Superhero movie and don't give me the LOL STEEL AND BATMAN AND ROBIN. Those movies are fucking written by the smartest human beings ever when compared to that bullshit.  I do not get how so many people like the versions of these characters he did because they were fucking annoying and or depressing..

So it seems there's one more movie (the Blue Beetle which I am sure cannot be as irritating as this movie.) that ends the Walter Hamada era of DC Movies. I liked some of the stuff he did. I think he did the Shazam movies which were charming and enjoyable. I liked Birds of Prey and the The Suicide Squad movie. I am glad that they will be in the hands of James Gunn because The Guardians of the Galaxy trilogy is a S-Tier trilogy of Superhero movies. Anyway let's talk about this movie which you can tell by the title I do not like.

1.) I don't like the change of killing Barry's mom. I don't like it in the comics and I don't like that the shows and movies picked up on it. I don't like that his dad was blamed for it and I do not enjoy it. I liked Barry Allen's version of the Flash just becoming a hero because he had powers and it was the right thing to do. I like that. I'm not averse to characters having dark backstories because shit man I love Batman and Spider-Man and those origins aren't rose-y keen! It was nice that a character people knew about even before the movies happened was just altruistic because altruism is the right thing to do becuase there are other heroes who are like that but only sad weirdos like me know who the Will Peyton Starman is you know.

2.) The CGI is hot shit. I haven't seen CGI this bad in such a big name movie in SO long. It looks like its from some unfinished PS3 game. I should also SPOIL CAMEOS SO IF YOU DONT WANT THEM SPOILED JUMP AHEAD but they ghoulishly CGI Christopher Reeve, George Reeves AND Adam West. I do not like this trend one bit especially when you could have used archival footage. It feels like grave robbing even if the families agreed to it. Hell do any of the living people related to George Reeves ever got to meet him seeing as he died when my dad was 5 fucking years old. I am not a fan and I do not like it.

3.) I do not like Ezra Miller. I find Ezra Miller very annoying in this movie actually in both versions of the Flash. The older one and the newer one very annoying. I do not like it. 

4.) The comedy in this movie is very bad. Many jokes are made that somehow he changed Back to the Future to have starred Eric Stoltz or however you spell his name. That CLEVER AND HILARIOUS joke is repeated several times. It's like someone getting right in your face and telling terrible jokes over and over and all you want to do is punch them. The people also do not act the jokes out very well seeing as a talented comedian or actor can make a not so great joke memorable or fun but these people are not it.

5.) The comedy fucking ruined Michael Keaton. They force him to do the shitty comedy and this might be the one and only time I will ever say this but Michael Keaton was not showing his A+ game. The old Batman movies he was on his A+ game. Beetlejuice A+. Night Shift. A+. I ALWAYS enjoy seeing him show up in a movie and this time I can't say that. Also can we stop giving actors the big name lines they said in the original thing they were in because no one can do it in a convincing way. Literally he does the LETS GET NUTS line and it sounds like he wants to get nuts for him and his grandson at a fucking baseball game. Jesus harold and mary.

6.) If you want to see Supergirl in the movie she uh doesn't do much. Yep. 

7.) The movie seems to want to have its cake and eat it too. The whole ending is like Barry realizing he has to give it all up and that he can't save his mother however he can save his dad and change the evidence for him. I don't like it but I also don't care enough to complain any more. It's like yeah the whole theme is "Learn to let go" which in of itself is kind of a depressing theme for what should be fun colorful stories but what do I know. I legit said Steel and Batman & Robin are more enjoyable than Man of  Steel and Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Boredom

8.) Speaking of Batman & Robin can we just stop with the jokes about that movie. OH HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH GEORGE CLOONEY IS NOW BATMAN HWOGHAOHAOHOHAHOHOHOHORHOHOODGFOH i laughed SO FUCKING HARD AT 1997S JOKE MOVIE WOOOO SO FUNNY I LOVE IT

Fuck. I think I might like this movie less than The Eternals. I did not expect to like a comic book movie less than that.

Let's Review Every Movie Ever Made #1

 Alright, I'm changing up stuff from what it used to be. I watch a lot of movies and I do end up having some thoughts on just about all of them but sometimes not enough for a full review. So we are going to be reviewing two movies at a time, and I will be reviewing anything and everything I can get my hands on that somehow counts as a movie so expect to be surprised.  I've been on a life long search for the Worst Movie Ever Made and I think I found it but I still have a lot more movies to watch before I can definitely say that it is the worst so let's get to it. Let's watch and Review Every Movie Ever Made.

This one and the next few are going to be full of movies that will make you "how the hell haven't you seen this movie by now you jerk?" because they will be full of popular franchises and one offs. Like popular movies that I should have seen by now in my life. So get ready to go "You saw Leprechaun 4 In Space before that!?!? WHAT THE HELL?!?!?" Anyway I'm going to start with finishing up a series of films that big nerds enjoy called Star Trek. Join me won't you!?

I figure let's draw out this post a bit more and have me talk about my feelings on the other Star Trek movies. I still haven't seen the Motion Picture despite Damien C wanting to kiss it. I think The Wrath of Khan is great. so is Search for Spock. The Whale One (which is what I refer to the Voyage Home as) is the best one. The Final Frontier is uh very goofy but it's still a genuine fun ride with some actually pretty good and serious moments.  I forget the subtitle for the sixth movie but it's still a pretty good one even if I may enjoy 5 more despite it being goofier. It's still a pretty good sendoff and has Kurtwood Smith and he makes every movie he's in a sensual masterpiece of eroticism no matter how small his part may be. 

I dig Generations. I think it was fun to see Kirk and Picard in the same movie even if it's very gimmicky. I dunno if I like how Kirk goes out like a goober but despite that I do enjoy them sharing the same screen together. Plus you get Malcolm McDowell as a bad guy and I LOVE watching him be a bad guy. Always a fun time. First Contact is totally the best Next Generation Crew movie. Has the best plot, action and is the most entertaining. I know people complain LIKE BABIES about Action Movie Picard but he's gotta be a bit more actiony in the dang movies for the normies like me. Insurrection is an awful awful movie and it's the only one I truly dislike. The only positive about that movie is F. Murray Abraham, everything else sucks shit. What a terrible and stupid plot for a terrible and stupid movie.

 

Yes. It's now time for the first review of this piece. Like actual review and not just "YEAH I LIKED THAT ONE" and it's Star Trek Nemesis and I'm so torn on this movie. I like the concept, an clone of Jean Luc Picard who grew up a slave in the Sci-Fi Malarky mines wants revenge on the Romulans, federation, and Jean Luc Picard himself.  There's a lot of really nice character moments but the movie is honestly ruined by Tom Hardy. I just feel he wasn't very good in that role. I wish they would have picked just about anybody else. Also the fact he's dying is a weird one because it kinda makes the whole end fight really lame. I also am not a big fan of Data (I'm sorry shain and probably Damien) and he's a big part of this movie. Something about that character just bothers me. Maybe I'll grow to like him during my watching of the actual show in like the year 2041 or whenever.  Maybe I'm just pissed that I did not get to see Beverly Crusher and Lavar Burton naked like the movie promised when they were supposed to go to the naked people alien planet. YOU DON'T BREAK A PROMISE LIKE THAT MOVIE. Anyway 2 and a half stars out of 5.

 

The next movie is Star Trek (2009) by J.J. Abrams. I liked the other two movies I saw from him. Like Mission Impossible III and Cloverfield. So I am not a J.J. hater. I didn't even hate this movie I just didn't really care that much for it. First off I do not like Chris Pine as Captain Kirk. There's something about William Shatner that he could play a cocky jerk that you still wanted to see win the day, however I was just happy Spock punched Kirk and almost choked him. I also think comic books will always do the multiverse thing better because they don't need to use an entire movies length to get into a multiverse story. Just have the Watcher go YO THIS AINT THE REGULAR MARVEL UNIVERSE BABY! and bam in to the story. I also got to say that I did not enjoy this movies villain. I did like Shaun of the Dead as Scotty though. He was fun. This movie has some good action set pieces but as a whole eh. 2 and a half stars out of five.

NEXT TIME: More Star Trek!

I do not like the MCU Spider-Man. Here's why.

 

I recently watched the three Spider-Man MCU movies and I did not enjoy any of them all that much. Okay, I liked seeing Tobey and the Green Goblin and Dr Octopus from the only GOOD live action Spider-Man movies. Yes I didn't like the other movies either. Those movies had dumb plots and were mostly uninteresting and boring. Sure Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone did good acting jobs but they were just not very enjoyable movies. The first movie was a bit better than that massive poop turd that was the second but neither are going to rush up my "Must watch this again" list like seminal film classics such as Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College and American Ninja 2: The Confrontation.

So like several posts around here recently let's talk about the reasons why I didn't really like these three movies:

1.) Let's get the big one out of this whole thing right away. You kinda need a character called UNCLE BEN for the Spider-Man story. He needs to be there so that Spider-Man learns responsibility BECAUSE THATS THE WHOLE DAMN POINT OF FUCKING SPIDER-MAN. The whole damn theme is responsibility and how to use it! This Spider-Man's big want is to join the Avengers. Yeah that's the big thing. I'm sorry but the characters reason to want to make it up to his uncle so he uses his powers to fight everything to Scorpion Men to Weird Alien Goo to Weirdly Muscular Fat Men.

2.) I don't like the Iron Man stuff in the movies. Yes I know that people liked Robert Downey Jr in these movies as Tony Stark. It's just that I liked Spider-Man being seen as a smart guy himself who created all the stuff he needed HIMSELF. Not from Tony Stark or anyone else. I like Spider Man figuring out these things himself. Tony Stark just making suits and all of this stuff for him just doesn't please me.

3.) They made Spider-Man a big weeine and Tom Holland plays him as a big weenie. Yes. I know Spider-Man has complained a lot about his various issues in the comic book, but he never felt like he was a giant wiener baby over it. I just wanted to give Tom Holland's version of the character a wedgie and shove him in a locker. I shouldn't be thinking that of my favorite fucking super hero. 

4.) These movies are incredibly unfunny. Marvel movies comedy is hard to talk about for me. Sometims it's very amusing. I enjoy the comedy in say Guardians of the Galaxy or the first two Ant Man movies (that third movie had such bad comedy fuck you port) but Spider-Man is a fucking hilarious son of a gun. Incredibly funny in fact. That's one of the things that always kept me coming back was the jokes he'd make of Dr. Octopus or the Kingpin. The comedy in these movies make him sound like a dumb ass idiot. LOL SPIDER TINGLE!!!!

5.) Hey how about having Mysterio connect to Spider-Man and not Tony Stark like so many characters were. You uh know Mysterio was connected to Spider-Man for decades right? It's his bad guy right? Not Iron Mans right?

6.) J Jonah Jameson being an Alex Jones type fucker. Yeah J. Jonah Jameson has done awful shit in the comics but he also owned up to it. He would NEVER EVER FUCKING EVER be like that worthless sack of shit Alex Jones.

Yep. I think that's it. I liked Michael Keaton as the Vulture but that's about it and that shouldn't count because it's Michael Keaton and he brings his A++++++++++ game to every fucking movie he ever appears in.

The Final Episode #106: Brand Spanking New Doug (1996 - 1999)

 

I've decided to do this show for TWO whole reasons! One: Portnoyd has been annoying lately so It's time I annoy him back and he is not a fan of Doug in any version of it. The second reason I wanted to talk about this show is that I want to clear up and finish all the Disney shows. I have several left so you'll see discussions on them soon. I mean not all at once but soon. I'll throw in other stuff to keep it interesting. Anyway I decided to talk about Brand Spanking New Doug because I think it's time to finally finish up the whole Doug Funnie story. So It's time to finally discuss Brand Spanking New Doug.

You might ask me why I broke up the two shows and the thing is despite what wikipedia says or anything they ARE two different shows. Doug showed up on Nickelodeon (did you know that they just had two create two more new episodes and they would have owned the whole show and Disney would not have gotten their mousy hands on it.) Disney bought Jim Jinkins Jumbo Pictures in 1995 or so and they had the rights to Doug and P.B. And J Otter. They didn't own the other stuff he did for Nickelodeon which included Allegra's Window and Hocus Focus. Yes Jim Jinkins was working with Nickelodeon in like 1980.  I just felt we should talk about some of his other works because well Doug is always in the forefront. 

Doug moved from Nickelodeon to ABC's Disney's One Saturday Morning. That came to be because Disney wholesale bought out ABC in like 1996? 1995? I don't know when but they threw around some of their large bags of cash and bought the TV station. The Disney Afternoon was pretty much on its way out in 1996 because their last shows for the syndication package Quack Pack and Mighty Ducks were not setting the world on fire even though I do know people who enjoy The Mighty Ducks. Not a single person has ever stuck up for Quack Pack except a doofus named Craig. Yes Port, it's that Craig. Speaking of which there's an episode of this show where Doug's old friend from his old town comes to visit and he is literally Craig as an annoying 13 year old.

To me, changing networks and giving your show a new name, even one as stupid as Brand Spanking New Doug was enough for me to go "Yeah this is a new show, a sequel show" but the thing is that wasn't it. Literally every thing you could change about the show they did. Connie the fat girl is now skinny. Roger is now richer than dirt because Bebe's dad needed the land his mother owned. The school is now Bebe' Bluff's School or some name like that and literally is shaped like her head. The Honkerburger was closed down. All of these changes made a LOT of kids who liked the Nickelodeon version hate this version. A lot of discussion has gone down on about how this show ruined Doug.

This is where your good old buddy Michael comes in. A man who will speak his opinion on anything and just not give a shit. I'll agree with the majority on things. Disagree on things. Stick up for things no one else will. Talk about things that no one else wants to talk about. So here's one to shock the internet if they actually read this blog. This was MY Doug. Yes I lived in Canada. The Great White North. Nickelodeon the channel never showed up here. Some of the shows did. Are You Afraid of the Dark? Yeah, Rocko's Modern Life. Yep! Angry Beavers too! Doug showed up here but it seemed to be not for that long. I do remember Nick's version but not as well as the Disney version and I have to admit that I really did enjoy watching it when I was like 12 on One Saturday Morning. I loved One Saturday Morning as much as I did The Disney Afternoon.  I just remember watching all of those shows before my family would go off to do Saturday things at the Mall or other places because stores were closed on Sunday because of Jesus Reasons until like the year 2000 in Newfoundland which meant we'd go to a relatives house or to the Flea Market at the Mall. It was a glorious time and I loved it.

I think this is enough backstory for this stuff it's time to finally close the book on Doug and talk about The Final Episode of Brand Spanking New Doug which by the end was just called Disney's Doug. It aired on June 26th, 1999. I was close to turning fourteen. Still watching Disney cartoons because I didn't have an angry conservative father who told me when to stop doing things in life and I guess felt I could make my own decisions on things. I don't know how much of One Saturday Morning I was watching during this time but I do know that I do not remember this episode. I do remember watching Doug's 1st Movie and thinking it was so terrible that I probably just gave up on the show too. That movie is bad. One day I will make portnoyd watch it. That would be funny.

So the Final Episode was called Doug's Marriage Madness. Which probably brings in the most overused cliche I've seen for Final Episodes. I don't care to go through the list right now but I know I've covered marriages enough time that I don't really want to cover another Marriage episode. Maybe I'm just pissed or sad because I won't ever get my own marriage because really what other human being would want to spend the rest of their lives with someone who literally is writing about ten thousand words about the Final Episode of Disney's Doug? That's right the only person who would marry me is well me. And I don't even want to spend the rest of my life with me. It's that bad.

So it's also about changes, which is pretty nice because that's what the first episode was all about. I know there's a word for that kinda thing but I cannot spell it and I really do not want to spend time on google trying to find it's spelling. Anyway Judy is going off to college. Doug's literally becoming a teenager and his voice is changing. Lots of new stuff happening for the Funnie Family. I also hate how it's spelled Funnie. Annoys the piss out of me. And yes another big change. Patti Mayonnaise's dad is marrying their weird English teacher Ms. Krystal. I'm pretty sure the both of these characters were added into Disney's Doug. Now watch as DougFan420 comes and yells at me that Patti's dad appeared in the Nickelodeon version and that I should shoot my dick off for not remembering that. 

So things are hectic at the wedding. Patti is trying to keep everything going under a tent. Two twins are trying to figure out if they should make the stand out of wood or metal and I'm like "why didn't you do this weeks ago?" Yeah I know its a silly cartoon but that's what stood out to me. The fact they wanted a marching band and Mr. Bone (I love that he sounds like Don Knotts) yodelling crew and they argue about it at least makes more sense then this. Yes I know I'm a cool guy arguing what they should have done instead for a cartoon that most people don't even give two rat shits about is not the best use of my time but if I weren't writing this I'd probably be viewing Twitter and that's way worse a use of anyone's time then what I'm doing here and now.

So Doug and Skeeter have to go to the Tux Store to get a bow tie for Mr. Mayonnaise and Patti gives him the ring. If you guess "Doug is going to be a goofy goober like he usually is and lose the ring" you'd be semi correct. He gets the ring stuck in his shoe and just THINKS he lost it. He gets two frosty goats (?????????) from the Ice Cream Man Mr. Swirly and this is where I just gotta say I love how this show would have random characters given fun designs. Mr. Swirly probably only showed up a few times but they still gave him a goofy hair do that looks like a swirly Ice Cream cone from one of those fancy ice cream machines. It's great. Doug was a show that I would watch for the side characters because they were honestly all a lot of fun. Doug himself is fine but it's all about Skeeter! Honk Honk!

So they realize they might be missing the ring and Doug and Skeeter have to find Mr. Swirly because Doug thinks he gave it to him. Doug and Skeeter run all over town. Meanwhile Mr. Dink's "VERY EXPENSIVE" Robot that makes things out of pate. You know the goose liver shit that always looks gross as hell to me. I don't know but I was amused when they made a goose out of goose liver. Wild. It gets all over the guests when it explodes. The stage breaks when something crashes into it. Judy (who I must say is a weird character among weird characters. Did Doug take place in like 1961 when beatniks were still a thing?) Anyway Roger (who is now mega rich as fuck) buys grand pianos for him and her and literally has them sent out on a parachute from a plane. They crash and ruin the tent. That's what you get for not having your marriage In a CHURCH like GOD INTENDED! 

They actually go to the church and Doug tells Patti about the lost ring and well The Mayor who is now the Ex-Mayor (in the movie which must have come out and take place after this has Mr Dink's wife as the mayor. or maybe she was the mayor during the entire last season. I cannot hold the memories of every fucking thing in my head people. I am not a fucking walking encyclopedia on the animated TV series Doug. Anyway he passes out and the people there start to bitch and moan until Doug takes off his shoe and smacks it against thing priests stand behind. Don't look at me I stopped going to church in like 1998. He gives a rousing speech about how things are changing around here but the one thing he hopes never changes is how Bluffingtoners never give up on each other and how he feels that they are all one big family. This gets everyone to talk about Marriage related stuff and Mr. Mayonnaise and Mrs Krystal agree about everything people are saying and then the Mayor regains consciousness long enough to declare them man and wife. Doug then realizes changes have to happen and not all changes are bad when his little sister Dirtbike (what the fuck is up with Mr and Ms Funnie to name their other two children normal names that exist and then just call the third one Dirtbike. I'm thinking that Dirtbike might be a mistake and they hate her.) Then the final scene has Porkchop give him a new journal because he had finished writing in the last one.

FINAL VERDICT: I would say this is actually probably the best marriage Final Episode that I can think of having done up to right now. TWO ended on a Cliffhanger and Cliffhangers are never good and the Sabrina episode was just weird where she just realizes in the middle of a marriage that she wants to get back with her ex. That's just weird and mean. I'm not trying to say marry someone you shouldn't but try to make sure you want or not want the marriage before the fucking marriage day comes. You know. Kinda mean. No like really mean. This episode however was nice because the two people clearly want to get married and having it all be about change a thing that Doug would touch on from time to time. Changes happen A LOT during your child years of 1 to 18. A LOT. Not just puberty and all that jazz but other random changes and it was a good thing to make into stories. Anyway I enjoy this show because of the weird characters and the charming low key comedy and the nice wholesomeness of it all. In a world right now thats angry and mean it's nice to have something like this to come back to you know?