NES Game Reviews #45: Golgo's Gold Golf Medal Challenge!

 

Alright! NES Time! But before I get into the six games for today. I have to make an announcement and tell you all that post 500 won't be what I wanted it to be or said it would be. I am not one for bingeing TV series. I mean I did it for a while when I was recovering from a surgery in 2024 but I can't watch more than three episodes of something in a row before wanting to do something else. Sometimes I can watch more. 21st Century Television wasn't really meant to be binged. Anyway that post will come out and will start a brand new series on this blog. Just won't be post 500. Post 500 will be me reviewing something that annoys the hell out of me. I did not expect to find a Golgo 13 AD but I did, it's pretty cool but I don't like that Golgo isn't shooting that guy with his CUSTOM MADE M-16 but some dinky ass hand gun!

 Here's another sports game but here's the thing, this is one that I REALLY want to like. I mean it's Capcom and they definitely simplified every sport in this game down to its basics which I like. It has nice fun cartoony graphics and Capcom music is always great. It has a nice variety of sports to play through and is a well thought out game. The only problem is that you literally have to push the buttons so fast and hard that by the time you are done with this game your thumb will be disintegrated into nothing. I don't know how the hell anyone does it without a turbo pad and I don't like using them very much. I really want to like this game more than I do because you know Capcom but I just don't. I think I'll have to put this in the OKAY section of games because clear effort was put into it. It's just blasting your thumb away doesn't seem like a good idea just so you can say you beat Gold Medal Challenge '92.

 I've kinda grown to hate a lot of the black box games for two reasons, one most of them are sports games that are just not very well made and two I am just sick of SHITTY NINTENDOAGE/YOUTUBE JERKS being like OH MAN THIS IS SO COOL THEY HAVE THE HANGTAB STILL ON THE BOX............... OH MY GOD THE HANG TABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB IT'S SO RARE AND COOL! however I have to say that this just might be the only Golf game that I can get into on the ol' Nintendo Entertainment System. It's simple and I can actually get somewhere in it. I can figure this game out a least a little bit. It's really weird, I've beaten a ton of hard NES games but scoring a point in any NES sports game is impossible. Except for like two. We will get to them when we get to them. Sometimes simplicity is the best. I dunno. I'm not in love with Golf but I will see my self playing it from time to time. It's better than any other Golf game and also better than most of the black box games.

I watched the Chevy Chase documentary last night. I thought it was pretty good. Chevy Chase is uh something else when it comes to personhood. It reminded me of Caddyshack because they played a few clips of the movie. Caddyshack was actually supposed to be about the caddies, until Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, Chevy Chase and Ted Knight just popped on in and decided no we want this movie to just be goofy in. That's how we got a literal comedic classic. The plot is literally so thin you could cut it with a plastic knife but it is there (everything kinda has to have a plot even if its its simple or not very well done) but who the hell cares about the plot. You don't remember that. You remember Chevy Chase being his old comedic dickhead self (seriously he either played a comedic dickhead or a total goober like Clark Griswald) or Rodney Dangerfield screaming HEY EVERYBODY WE'RE ALL GONNA GET LAID. Which is really the best ending of all time. He's just so happy that everyones gonna get some. God bless Rodney Dangerfield. Anyway this is some Golf game by Atlus that I really don't wanna talk about.

 You know what movie gets a bad rap but I'm gonna defend it right here. Caddyshack II. Did you know that Rodney Dangerfield was originally going to come back to the role of uh Rodney Dangerfield that he played in the first movie. Chevy Chase came back and Dan Akryoyd does Bill Murray's role. RANDY QUAID comes in and RANDY QUAID is great. The biggest problem with this movie is that Rodney Dangerfield quit the production and they had to replace him with Jackie Mason who uh kinda sucks. I liked him as Krusty's father in The Simpsons but man not a huge fan of him in this movie. He is a bad replacement for Rodney Dangerfield. You can also see ROBERT STACK as the bad guy and who doesn't love him? PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT MYSTERIES SOLVED THAT'S WHO. Yeah the movie ends up being a bit of a mess and you can see the disdain Chevy Chase has for the whole production in his performance which is weirdly hilarious. It's not a perfect movie and it has many flaws but I laughed at it and don't care what you say. I also own a Caddyshack Gopher they made in like 2000. I am a cool cat. Oh, and this is a Golf Game by Bandai that I really have nothing to say about. I'm sure it's good if you know golf.

You know who used to be pretty good at comedy and then just gave up? Adam Sandler. I was like eleven years old when I first saw him in something. It wasn't SNL because I wasn't allowed to stay up that late at night and if I were I would probably watch the weird B-movie they showed on ASN instead of SNL. Said movie was Happy Gilmore and I thought it was the funniest thing I had seen up till that point in my life. I mean besides Spaceballs. He gets into a fight with the guy from The Price is Right! That was hilarious to me as a kid. I actually have not seen any of those Adam Sandler movies I loved as a kid/teen since like those days and I don't know if I should go back to them. I think I will leave them as positive memories. Once he had enough money to start a production studio and just make movies where he hangs out with his friends the quality dropped so much so quickly. I think by 2002 I was out. I never did see Mr. Deeds and I don't think I should ever bother with Happy Gilmore 2. Adam Sandler is a man with clear talent who uh has a pretty bad track record. It's sad. Oh and this game is fucking terrible. I pushed every damn button I could and couldn't get the damn stupid Greg Norman to hit the fucking ball. Fuck this game. In the ear.

 

Oh hey. Hey port remember when we were talking about how it was weird that Fist of the North Star was just kept pretty much intact despite the fact no one knew what that was except for like some Ultra Nerds. Well here's another one Golgo 13. It was weird that he got to keep his name. I'm surprised he didn't become SAM SNIPER or something dumb (but wonderfully dumb). It's also amazing that he literally has sex in this game and Nintendo did not censor it. This was also a game that must have been pretty popular because I would see copies of it EVERYWHERE. I remember getting it early in my NES career and I think it's a fun game. It has platformer levels, 3d first person tunnel levels, fighting under water, all that stuff was honestly really well done. The 3D First Person Levels are mostly fine until later on in the game when they just get hair pullingly annoying. I just remember Loogaroo being a pissy baby about this game but he was a pissy baby about every video game that wasn't Final Fantasy 3 it seems. Golgo 13 shoots a damn Brain creature in this game! I got to him once and I could not beat him and I really should go back to this game. It's a neat game that genuinely does feel like a spy adventure. Golgo 13 rules and haters can get out!

 GOOD GAMES: 126

BAD GAMES: 90

OKAY / HAVENT AGED WELL:  37

IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 5 

 

NES Game Reviews #44: Ghoul School N Goblins Find Godzilla's Goal on Gilligan's Island!

 

Wow. They really did have an print ad for everything. I've been going through my comic book collection. Looking at each issue, making sure there are no defects or weird things like NO GOOD BAD BUGS living in there. Some of these comics I have not opened in a very long time. It's just to see if its something I'm gonna keep, sell or just throw away. Ya know. Anyway, I see a lot of old NES and SNES ads and man Konami really wanted to sell you on games. A lot of them had two page spreads and I'm sure ad space in a 1991 Marvel Comic wasn't cheap. They are pretty awesome ads. I really should do a look at "cool as shit comic book ads from the past". I really should make a list of what I need to discuss for this blog. Anyway this is an ad for  Gilligans Island. A game I will discuss in this post. I know that I've ragged on Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Dr, Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and the Bible games but they are a weird part of the NES story. the "shit I think kids might know about this and we could make money on it" part of the story. Capitalism is a wild thing. 

 This paragraph review of Ghost N Goblins for the NES will have a hot take. In fact it might have two. Ghost N Goblins was put out by Capcom in the Arcades. However for the NES it was made by Micronics and If I'm being fair, it's totally one of the best games that company/guy did. I'm amazed that company made it to the PS1. No seriously look it up. It's wild. They really should have died after they made Athena or 1942 (sorry Damien) and despite this being one of their better games I still do not like this game at all. I think it moves too slowly and clunky. It's a very hard game too so that doesn't help that the controls are hot garbage melting in shit. You get too many enemies coming at you and I've been able to get to level 3 I think once. I just do not enjoy playing this game in the slightest. Here's the maybe second hot take. I don't really like the Super NES game made by Capcom either. I really want to like these games because who the hell doesn't want to play as a knight as he shoots spears into Satan's face but I just can't get into either of them because I just feel they are too hard and annoying. I'll be putting this into the bad games category. SORRY PEOPLE.

 Ghoul School is an interesting game. Wasn't this made by a teenager or a young person and sold to Imagineering? I ask because I believe there has to be a story behind this game. It plays differently and better than any other game by Imagineering. You know the guys who did Swamp Thing and the Simpsons games. Those are WAY worse than this game but this game has a problem with it. It's really sad too because if that problem was fixed this game would be something you'd highly recommend to people. I just feel that the enemies gang up on you WAY too easily and WAY too much throughout this game. This is one of those Metroid-type games. You have to find a key to find a horn to find a thing to finally help you get into some door that is right at the beginning of the game. It seems so many games like this one loved doing that. Keeping the hidden secret ending right near the beginning. I dunno. It has been a while since I played this game but I remember it being pretty alright despite the whole fuck you stop ganging up on me thing. 

 

 

This game has given me a chance. I mean I had this chance other times and I honestly forget if I mentioned it but this game means I get to talk about THE BABY OF SEAN aka SEANBABY from the website seanbaby.com which was really funny to me as a teenager but as an adult is only somewhat funny. The man clearly has some good comedic chops but he is not amazing. He had a worst 20 NES section and he had this game on that list. I disagree with that and we will get to that later. I just remember sending him a message via email too quickly with some spelling mistakes and he send me back a message calling me a stupid moron fuck or whatever he did. That's right assholes I was insulted by SEANBABY. You ain't as cool as me! Anyway I uh kinda like this game a lot. Yeah, I know. It has flaws coming out of its ying yang. Like the fact the jumping is weird. Or the fact you have to keep a hold of Gilligan and do not let him just wander off. The worst part of it all is the time limits in like the last two stages (out of i think 5) that are so BAD that you cannot make a SINGLE MISTAKE or you will lose and then RIP YOUR DAMN HAIR OUT. Something about this game charms me and I enjoyed beating it. I dunno if I ever will but I will be at least be putting it in the OKAY games cuz I know it's not good but I don't really think it's BAD either.

 

  

 

 

Yep, fuck it. I'm taking a mulligan here. I don't give a shit. These are two of like I think four soccer games on the NES (one of them I actually enjoyed!!! watch out for that review!!!) and I'm just going to say that I could never play either of these games for long because the on the field look overview thing made me sick. Just going back from green to a different color of green. Just made my head hurt and well it's another sports game. I do not know how to play any sports game. You have to dumb down it to so simple terms for me to get into a sports game. This game doesn't really do that. I just know that playing these games gives me a headache and I'm stuffing them in the bad games pile just for that. Sorry, I don't like to mash two games up like this but I really really really do not have enough to say about either of these games. They suck and hurt my head. GOOD JOB JALECO!

 

Boy howdy does this game bring me back. This had to be one of the earliest titles I got when I restarted collecting. It must have been five dollars at like Microplay or the Flea Market. That was the standard for NES games here in Newfoundland. Five dollars. I didn't mind spending it. Anyway this game was weird and offputting and really hard. I could never really get anywhere but I really wanted to like this game because hell it's Godzilla! You could play as Godzilla or Mothra and if you played as Godzilla you'd probably get fucked by the boss. Those bastards would just jam your ass up into the other side of the screen and shit all over you. Dirty fuckin' creatures.  Anyway I would try this again and again until I actually found out how to use some of Godzilla's moves and actually ended up beating it. This game is long and can become very tedious but I still have some nostalgia for it and I'm going to put it in the okay games category. Sue me. (Please don't actually try to sue me over this. I have no money)

 

Oh hey. It's another very okay Godzilla game. I wouldn't get this game until I was like collecting for a decade or so at this point. I think I bought it from cracked8ball from one of his many many NES game purges. He would buy and then sell games so many times. I am pretty sure if he had stuck to it he could have collected the entire NES set (with unlicensed games included BECAUSE THEY COUNT) like 50 times over. It was wild how good NES colleting was before nintendoage or smelly youtubers came in and pooped all over the place. God damn gross freaks ruined everything. Anyway this is a strategy game. A really really weird one too.  It is easier to get into than any of the rice sims where you have to make sure you do 1000 things before you move forward anywhere. It is also harder to get into because you do get into battles with a weird slot machine mechanic (that I believe they also did for the Super Godzilla game)  and it uh, is not a very good mechanic. Even when you feel like you get a feel for it you still don't. I dunno. I did beat this game and I don't know how I did it. I don't hate this game but the original game with all of its issues is still better. This will go into the okay pile because it's my reviews and my opinions. Damnit, go do your own set of reviews if you want to see your own opinion!!!

 GOOD GAMES: 125

BAD GAMES: 89

OKAY GAMES / HAVENT AGED WELL:  34

IMPATIENT WHATEVER GAMES BLAH: 5 

 

The Final Episode #137: Captain Planet and the Planeteers (1990 - 1996) (Redo)

 

Hey lads and lassies! It's the new year! 2026! I am going to make this my year. I am finally done feeling bad during the last week of the year, it's always the worst part of this year. I'm going to make it a year to look back on. I am going to accomplish so many damn things that your dickhole will spin! This means in every aspect of my life. I am going to do so many new things with this blog. I was going to list them but I think I'll wait. First off though I got to finish some things from 2025. I gotta finish the Redos before getting to anything new. I plan to do more shows from the 1960s and 1970s. Thanks to syndication on TV the latter half of the 20th Century felt so connected. Things even decades old ended up having staying power. Staying power to get video games and everything. Now adays the few big new things (seriously the 21st Century is mostly about cannibalizing the 20th century) that come around have no real staying power. They just come on Netflix and then fly away a year or two later. In the 20th century you could play a fuckin Gilligan's Island game on your damn Nintendo! Anyway let's get back to whats important, discussing Captain Planet... wait what?

Yes. Captain Planet, the environmentalist cheese-ball cartoon from the 1990s.  It was the fourth thing I discussed. It was brought over from a different blog for some reason. I don't know why and I wish I had just kept posting over there. Oh well. I won't get into much detail why but I wish I had. Anyway It was a short very sparse post on the blog. A lot of them were, I'm glad that I feel I have improved as a writer. Not a lot but I can at least write several paragraphs about something instead of just one. Since I realized all of those shows were weirdly "important" to me as a kid and "important" enough to pop culture (and don't try to tell me Captain Planet wasn't somewhat big back then either. The damn thing got a NES and a Genesis game. They didn't give no NES games or Genesis games to uh..... Mother Goose N Grimm... I'm sorry it was the only thing that came to mind!) that they deserved updated better posts. I seriously don't like looking at those posts but I won't delete them because they are a part of the history of this blog and a man cannot destroy history. Even really pointless history like my first post on Captain Planet.

So Captain Planet. Yeah, let's get to the history of this show. To get to the history of this show, we must first talk about a man. A weird man. A bizarre man. A very rich man. We must first talk about Ted Turner. Ted Turner was born sometime in like 1938 or something. I'm sorry I don't care enough to look up the information. He's a billionaire jerk and I don't do good with billionaire jerks. Unless they are like Batman or Scrooge McDuck. Anyway Ted Turner became a HUGE deal within the 1970s and 1980s by buying tv stations and starting his own. I used to watch so much TBS as a kid. It used to be a channel that we would only get preview weekends of, but you bet your sweet bippy I watched those preview days. I'd watch Scooby Doo on TBS instead of another station. You had to make use of those preview weekends son!! Uh. Where was I? oh yeah, Ted Turner. He became very rich and wanted to make a cartoon. About helping the environment.  So he teamed up with Barbara Pyle. Together they created Captain Planet. 

So what was my history with Captain Planet. Uh, It was a show I liked watching as a child. It was never the toppest top spot but I would watch it quite frequently. Probably on YTV? I don't know. I don't really remember owning any of the toys (but I own some of them now because I am a very cool forty year old man who won't let the past go. Why let the past go? So I can join the future and be miserable. No way I'm going to stay in the past and be miserable for completely different reasons!  Anyway I liked it enough that I re-watched every episode and even made a piss poor YouTube Video on it. No I won't link it here, Yes it's privated. Don't even try to find that video friend-o.  The show is very cheesy, very silly but also very 1990s and very entertaining. It still holds up pretty well, of course I say that about just about everything from the past. NO YOU WONT TAKE IT FROM ME. GO AWAY. GO POST ON TWITTER YELLING POLITICS. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Uh, okay yeah. So what was Captain Planet about? It involves Gaia, the spirit of the Earth itself (who was voiced by Whoopi Goldberg and then Margot Kidder!) sending rings of power to several young people. Kwame from Africa got the power to move the earth. Wheeler from America got the power to use fire. Linka from the Soviet Union got to use Wind. Gi from Asia got to use Water. and Ma-Ti from South America got to use heart. He could control peoples hearts!!! He was way more powerful than you thought NOSTALGIA CRITIC. YOU JERK.  They could combine their powers and bring about Captain Planet who could use all the powers but was weak as shit to pollution. Toss a dirty diaper at his face and BAM he had to go away to recharge. Captain Planet is kind of a weak ass bum now that I think about it! Anyway they fought people trying to destroy the earth like Looten Plunder, Verminous Skumm (he outed a teenager with AIDS in one episode. What a jerk?) and Hoggish Greedly. Also the voice cast was nuts. Ed Asner, Jeff Goldblum, Meg Ryan, and all kinds of people voiced characters on this show. 

 So the Final Episode of Captain Planet graced our airwaves on May 11, 1996. Soon to be thirty years ago. Doesn't that make you feel like that gif of Matt Damon aging from some movie I never watched and probably never will. TOO BUSY WATCHING REAL ENTERTAINMENT LIKE DON PANCHO AND SANTO PANDA. It was the 113th episode. I guess they decided that was enough. They had gone through two different animation studios and who knew how many voice actors for the show. They had even tried to become hip with a new theme song and it was terrible. This weird pair of lips starts rapping about Captain Planet. I think it was rapping. I am not looking it up again. It was horrendous and clearly the worst thing from the 1990s.  This episode was called 101 Mutations and was written by Nick Boxer, Laren Bright and Sean Catherine Derek. Together they worked on A Pup Named Scooby Doo, Batman the Animated Series, Smurfs and the movie Foodfight (Sean Catherine Derek is also Bo Derek's stepdaughter!!!!). Which looks terrible. Which means I'll probably see it before I see that Matt Damon movie. I kinda don't want to know why he ages in like a second. It just a weirdly perfect image for "damn I feel old son". So with all that said and done, let's get into discussing and making dumb comments and jokes about this episode.

 We start the episode with a bunch of sick looking animals in ratty cages. Then we come to Dr. Blight who is selling these puppy mill dogs. She talks to MAL her computer (voiced by Tim Curry!). Then she goes outside just to harass her guard dogs Slasher and Lasher. Man, Dr. Blights one hell of a bitch. We then go to a dog funeral (boy howdy this episode is fun on a bun!) being held for Wheeler's cousin's dog Skippy. Skippy was only 6 months old! Wheeler then says he's gonna take Joey to get another. Sorry Wheeler but Jesus Christ, I've had several dogs for many years and when they died I did not want to get another dog the day of the poor creatures funeral. Jesus this has to be the character at his most meatheaded. Damn ass doofus. Captain Planet then goes THE POWER IS YOURS to Joey like thats supposed to make him feel better. They do in fact go to the shittiest pet store ever. Every animal there looks like it's sad or dying. Joey just wants to go home then he finds his way into a room with animals in very ratty cages. The Planeteers leave, without this ten year old kid. Joey then finds out that the Pet Store people are working with a Puppy Mill called Puppies by the Millions but PUP and MILL are written differently. VERY SUBTLE CAPTAIN PLANET.

Joey then finds out very easily where the Puppy Mill is. He even decides to go in to help the pups. I should mention that one of these dogs was drawn to have just one eye. My Jesus Christ Dr. Blight was the most evil of this group and the bad guys in this show do the worst shit possible. Awful. Joey lets the Puppies loose but not before getting his dumb ass captured. He's now stuck in a small cage.Dr. Blight lets in Slasher and Lasher and oh shit, Joey's dead! No, he literally gives them some snacks. Which were chocolate bars. Then they become friends. This is before Slasher and Lasher die from the chocolate they ate. Maybe Skippy's death wasn't completely Dr. Blights fault. Don't be feeding the damn dogs chocolate you little shit. He then finds the dog Lady that Blight was treating poorly earlier and gives her some chocolate. JOEY YOU STUPID SHIT STOP KILLING THE DOGS.

Anyway we go to the Planeteers and they find out about the Puppy Mills from a weirdly drawn woman. I also don't really like the redesigns for the characters. All of that screams "we just gotta keep this show on the air" pump out the crappier animation and redesigns to hopefully get the kids interest back!  They find a Puppy Mill and then some random guy pops out of nowhere and goes you guys want to get this place shut down THEN FOLLOW ME! he then pulls out a humane society badge. I do not think those exist?. This episode is bonkers. The Random Man does what the Poorly Drawn Woman did and tell us to our face about what we should do. Do not buy puppies from pet stores but your local animal shelter! He also films the puppy mill for evidence.

Dr. Blight finally finds Joey and is very angry that Slasher and Lasher are now nice so she uses her shock collar. I was about to bring up some dumb internet drama but I realized my post would work better without it. Let this be the final small part of Internet 1.0 still beating!  Anyway she takes them out of the cage which really was getting very crowded. MAL then tells her that the Planeteers are coming! Joey mentions Wheeler and Blight takes him away. Lady gets out of the cage by the sheer power of CHOCOLATE and LOVE FOR JOEY. Lady wants to save him! The Planeteers find Dr. Blight and Random Man is back with them. Blight sends Slasher and Lasher out after them and Joey tries to stop them but that just gets them a shock from Dr. Evil Bitch

Dr. Evil Bitch looses the device that controls the shock collars. Which causes MAL to shock the dogs. You know it's like two dogs. You could like do something to keep them safe or something. Maybe use Ma-Ti's power instead of being afraid. These are very low stakes, Planeteers! Joey tries to keep them from hurting anyone and this causes MAL to retaliate but it just causes their collars to explode. They chase after Dr. Evil Bitch (I'm pretty sure she was the one willing to work with Hitler in another episode. Yes, Hitler showed up on Captain Planet. He had a handlebar/fu-manchu mustache. It was awesome.) who jumps up on MAL and they escape. MAL also sets fire to the dogs cages and the Planeteers have to save them!

They call for Captain Planet because well we didn't see a lot of him earlier. He starts to save the dogs while Joey and Lady try to save Lady's puppy uh Puppy. I guess that's a good enough name for him. or her. I dunno. I don't think dogs care about gender stuff. Anyway Captain Planet saves the day and yes Dr. Blight does not actually get away. She is being chased by Slasher and Lasher and then jumps into the Humane Society van which she thinks is the police and Random Man lets Slasher and Lasher in to you know rip her apart. RIP Dr. Evil Bitch (1959 - 1996) The Random Man shows up and tells Joey that some of the dogs might have to be put down and Lady and her pup have to be checked out. 

Joey and the Planeteers are checking dog shelters and Wheeler begins to talk about how Lady might be gone when BLAM RANDOM MAN TO THE RESCUE. He shows up and lets Lady and Pup out of the truck and Joey is happy. He says Slasher and Lasher made it so I guess Dr. Evil Bitch wasn't totally ripped to shreds so they didn't have to be put down as violent dogs or something. The show ends with Lady and Pup giving Wheeler all kinds of doggie kissies. What a nice way to end this show. 

FINAL THOUGHTS: A very, very, very weird episode. Tackling an issue like this is uh a depressing one but the show is it's goofy self. I was entertained but I think it as a good idea to end it here. 113 episodes is good for a cartoon from this era. A good amount of episodes to rerun and most were pretty enjoyable. It was showing signs of wear and tear. You can also see the green lips theme song here. Except for a what looks like a GRIM AND GRITTY comic (which really should be hilarious. I should read it), a College Humor (or was it Funny Or Die) and a reunion on a cartoon called OK KO or whatever, Captain Planet has not seen much action within the 21st Century and I hope it stays that way. Anyway I think I've typed enough words about Captain Planet for now.

 

 

NES Game Reviews #43: Ghenghis Khan's Gemfire Fight George Foreman and a Ghost Lion with the Ghostbusters

 

Well now, I know I said two things just a few days ago but I am very bored right now so I will be writing another post before January 2nd where CRAZY SHIT STARTS GOING DOWN AGAIN. I also found some posts that I could delete and now I have more time to watch 84 episodes of a television series so I can do the 500th post. It is pretty much something I and maybe one other person would be interested in it. Anyway I think this might be the worst six games I could talk about to cure boredom. I will see what portnoyd has to say about this stuff.

So I'm sure you all remember when I took a mulligan and was like FUCK THIS and reviewed all four Bases Loaded games in one paragraph because they all suck shit and barely change anything in them and the pitcher view is really annoying and I don't like it. Yeah, I should have done that for these games too because I literally have just one thing to say about them is that it seems to take way too long to fully understand how to play because you got to make sure you do everything right. EVERYTHING. I do not know which one of these games I played but I played one of them for like one hour and thirty minutes one time. Finally cracking the code to these games I thought, NOPE. It turned out that I was doing something wrong for that entire time and I'm sorry but I'm an old ass fucking man now. forty fucking years old and no I don't have time to literally piss away 1 hour and 30 minutes just because I made a mistake. That's just unfair and the reason I just can never get into these games. I know the people who can seem to love them and to be fair I will put them in the impatient pile. I just don't understand them and never will.

Hey, cool two of these games in a row. Wonderful. What can I say that I haven't said before. Uh, I do love the box art here. Genghis Khan looks so excited and crazed and angry to be on a NES game where he gets to pillage again. The other thing is that is one of like I dunno twenty or so games that I have not played before.  So I pulled up the ROM wondering if this game would be different. Would it be something that a newbie to strategic games or will they be complex as all hell and I got into the game and saw the list of things that you can do and just screamed and cried and maybed pooped myself a little. These games just have too much going on. I just want simple strategic games, just know what to do and not have to make sure you do 203490 things before you even really start the game. I just do not get these games. I do not know if I can call them awful truly because the people. Maybe I should have tried more but I can't fix my impatience. I just don't want to those 4204209 things before I even start a game. Bleah.

Oh goodie a boxing game on the NES. A boxing game that does not have Michael Tyson in it. This game was not made by Nintendo themselves. That game is very simple but still feels exciting and you have to find the right way to beat the boxers. The Challenge is also fair (even though I have never beaten it) where you start with simple boxers like Glass Joe before going to harder and harder guys. This game starts hard as fuck. I don't know how to do uppercuts at all and the computer does and it takes out a HUGE CHUNK of your life. I also don't know what the hell to do to get up when knocked down, something that is very easy in Mike Tyson's game (until you can't do it anymore). This game has you have to hide in the corner and punch a guy when you can and if he pulls off his super uppercut POW BAM BOOM you are fuckin dead as shit. This game is inexcusable for 1992. The graphics are worse than Mike Tyson which was back in the damn 1980s! WHEN THE SYSTEM WAS JUST STARTING. George Forman really deserved better. Fuckin Beam Software man.

Can I say that the cover of Ghost Lion for the Nintendo Entertainment System literally has one of the most 1980s images ever. Like ever. It is proof that the 1980s died in 1992. I know it doesn't seem to make sense but this was clearly the last gasp of the Nineteen Eighties before going off to die a beautiful Neon death somewhere in a desert I guess. I also like it because it's really thrown together. Why does her face look like it's photoshopped really badly. The body is a drawing but the face is someone face. Also I like the Lion just casually in the background with a really bored look on his face. He's really going C'MON MAN TAKE THE PICTURE. Anyway this is NES game reviews not NES box art reviews. I don't know how I'd rate this games box art because it's both amazing and awful. Which is kinda apt for this game. I mean I wouldn't call it amazing because it isn't. This is a Dragon Warrior ripoff and it lets you level up quickly. I don't even know where the level cap is but I really think it's pretty low. This game is very short and was clearly brought over by Kemco because they were like fuck let's make some small amount of money, this game was actually based on a movie from 1988, and was made in 1989 and then was brought over to America to make some money in 1992. It's a very 1989 RPG. It's really rough around the edges but it's also pretty easy for the most part. I like the ablitily to pick up random strange ghosts to fight with you. They got magic and shit. I don't know what else to say except this is a generic RPG that will very much go into the okay pile. Woo.

This game brings out a lot of nostalgia. It was one of the first games I got when I got my second NES. I was so exicted because I'm a fan of the Ghostbusters. The cartoons, the movies (well mostly just the first two) and all that. I put it into the NES and after a few minutes of playing I went "What the fuck is this fucking garbage?" I considered it the worst NES game ever. I even wrote a review for a website called NES Player (well I put said review up on like every page that would take it lol). Said review was a profanity laden rage fest on the game. I don't want port getting angry at Groxx but one day it was replaced by a review by some guy who none of us talked too but I guess must have annoyed Groxx enough to post said review. His review was a huge blowjob to this game. A messy, gross blowjob. Painful with lots of teeth. I try to respect not popular opinions on things. I mean when they are geniune and not contrarian city and I'm sorry this guy was a fucking contrarian. First off you have to buy your own equipment . Who the hell thought that was a good idea? The Ghostbusters created their own equipment! So once you get enough money from busting Ghosts and getting fucking angry from the driving segments because FUCKING JESUS CHRIST you don't know if a car is coming and you want to stick up at the top but if you hit a car you lost money and that means you have to do some really boring fucking ghost shooting segments. The entire game is fucking boring or frustrating. Even when you get the best suits and the ghost food going into the Zuul building is still a paintful expereicne because the Ghostbusters move the slowest I've seen any video game character move. Holy shit. It's so bad. If you somehow get to the top to fight the Final Boss don't go back up to far because you will go to a different screen and that's just annoying. This game is terrible. Sadly this game does not make Bustin feel good.

Ghostbusters II is a weaker film than Ghostbusters but Ghostbusters II is a better game than Ghostbusters. I mean it's still a rotten piece of shit but it starts with something the first game should have done and be a platformer. Sure it would have probably been janky as hell but a platformer is where the Ghostbusters should have been, not whatever weird shit the first game was. Sorry, there's some outside of the box thinking for games but sometimes you just go for the tried and true and this game is a platformer and I give them credit for that. They knew what they should have done. It's just this is a very not fun game to play. The controls are what puts it down. Shooting the gun is impossible. You gotta move the gun to shoot the ghosts and it just feels so stiff. Moving around feels stiff. The level design just feels "whatever" and there's not much to like about this game. This game like the first one will go in the bad pile but I just don't get mad at it like I do the first game and somehow even beat it. I don't know how but I did. I'm a wild man.

GOOD GAMES: 125

BAD GAMES: 86

OKAY GAMES / HAVENT AGED WELL: 30

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 5

NES Game Reviews #42: Galactic Crusader & Galaga are stuck in the Gargoyle's Galaxy Gauntlet 2.

 Merry Christmas to the loving readers of my blog! Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! ALL THAT JUNK! This might be the last post before the new year. I am nine posts away from 500 posts and well I need to watch a tv show all the way through and have to watch 70 episodes or around there of this show. It might even be more, I really don't know. Anyway I think it's good to give yourself breaks from time to time. So I decided to give portnoyd his CHRISTMAS GIFT and poop out another NES game Reviews blog post for him to comment on and we can argue and just have a good time. This set is a pretty interesting set of games so I can't wait to get into them!

Well my God it's time again to tear a video game a new asshole. Recently I've been too nice and well they haven't really been giving me games worth ripping the asshole out of. Galactic Crusader is a Sachen game and the only Sachen games that ever made it to America were bought by Bunch Games to shove onto the NES and I think this was the only one. I guess portnoyd will tell me. Don't get angry at me Sachen weirdos who aren't even reading this website, you had literal decades of time to prove to the rest of the NES world that they popped up here in such insane quantities that meant people should collect them. You don't think shitters like John Riggs, MetalJesusSucks and Pat the NES Jerk wouldn't have made a big deal about it if they had found them. I don't even know why I brought them up, I just wanted to sass them. The jerks. Uh, where was I. Oh yeah this game is barely playable garbage. There are sections where the enemies don't even shoot at you and then BLAM you get shot and wonder where the fuck the thing came from. Everything about this game is stupid and ugly and I hate it. I think Bunch Games made the worst games in the Color Dreams/Bunch Games/Wisdom Tree trifecta. I wish I knew more about why they made three different companies but oh well. Maybe portnoyd knows. I am tired of talking about this game and wish to do it no more.

Galaga is based on the Arcade game also named Galaga. It's about you shooting alien jerks until they are dead. This is a very simple easy to get into game and you know sometimes that's all one needs. Sure it's great that the NES had a lot of games that went very in depth but sometimes you just got 20 minutes to play a game and not 8 hours. All you want to do is shoot some aliens to kill some time because a tv show you like is coming on and you don't want to watch the show before it. That was a big deal back in the NES/SNES/Genesis days. We had no internet or streaming to find something else to watch or do for 20 minutes. This does that incredibly well. You turn it on and enjoy that twenty minutes of shooting aliens and the thing is, if you really get into it and hell I can tell you I've gotten really into arcade type games you can easily play it for way too long and miss your show and freak out because you didn't tape it. This game can get very addictive like most well done arcade ports. I don't think Chubby Cherub was an actual port but it tried to do arcade action and it failed miserably. Every Bandai game i've covered since is a masterpiece compared to that shit. Yet it somehow got considered rare and hard to find. I refuse to believe Chubby Cherub is a rarity and you should too.

The first time I played this game I was not a fan. I was not a fan of the controls and therefore just threw it off and forgot about it. I don't know why I came back to it, I guess because I was trying to beat games but I did and finally got used to the controls just to find otu that this game was hard as hell. It took me years t oget used to how you play this game and to even beat it, the thing is this game is absolutely worth getting used too and playing. This is an amazing racing game and is probably my favorite on the NES. The levels get pretty varied and what you can do with your car ends up being pretty amazing. Galaxy 5000 is sadly still pretty underappreciated even in our HIDJEN JERMS youtube video era. You'd think someone would make a video on this. It deserves it. The music is great and it's a very worth while game to play. One point of advice is to find out where the hidden stuff is and ALWAYS go for it. You will need that hidden shit to beat this wild ass beast of a racing game. 

Gargoyles Quest I is a game I want to get really good at but I still cannot beat the first stage. It was a game I got as a kid. I actually believe that somehow everyone with a Gameboy for any amount of time somehow found themselves with a copy of that game. It's really weird too because the NES sequel and the SNES sequel are both pretty uncommon, but you'll find a copy of the first game ANYWHERE you look. I'm sure more copies of Gargoyles Quest I were created than I dunno copies of the Bible. Still weirdly enough you never hear anyone talk about that one. It's always the two sequels and mostly because RARE I LOVE THE RARITY WOO MONEY RARITY THIS WILL BE AN INVESTMENT WOO I AM A MANCHILD WHO REFUSES TO LOOK INTO STOCKS. WOO. The thing is I like Gargoyles Quest II and Demon's Crest more than the original game (sorry Damien). Something about he original game just beats my ass into a corner and makes me cry. Anyway here's another HOT TAKE: Gargoyles Quest >>>>>>>>>> Ghost N Goblins where Firebrand came from if I recall correctly. These games are all really great. Gargoyles Quest II has great music, great graphics for the time, very well created levels, all kinds of neat upgrades and is just an incredibly fun video game to play.  Demon's Crest is also pretty awesome. All Gargoyles Quest games need to be in your collection if you actually still collect things and they really should make a new one but with NES style graphics. GET ON IT CAPCOM I KNOW YOU WANNA DO IT.

Ah we come back to Tengen, an incredible company. They used to be able to make games for the NES but something happened and they had to go unlicensed. They were the best Unlicensed game company for this reason. I don't know the reason why they had to go underground but they did. Anyway for this reason there is a licensed and unlicensed NES game and no I'm not doing the joke of reviewing both this time portnoyd. I already have more than 500 damn games to review not to mention that I'm thinking of reviewing Pal/Aus/whatever exclusives because they had some cool shit too. Gauntlet is a video game that I like a decent amount despite being amazingly horrible at. Gauntlet goes on for 100 stages of you just trashing motherfucking demons and gremlins and shit. Just wrecking the hell out of their assholes. You have to stock up on finding food and saving health and so getting through 100 stages is damn hard. I have never done it but Gauntlet is on my list of games I'd like to beat.

Gauntlet II is also on that list, even though I'm not sure it even has an actual ending and is one of those never ending games. It just starts looping at a certain point. Anyway Gauntlet II is well more of the same. The Graphics and sound have been cleared up a bit and some other things work a little differently but really it's still no real difference in entertainment value than the first game. It does have 4 player action which means you can use the Nintendo Four Score and beat this game with a bunch of friends. The lady warrior was way sexier on the cover of the original game tho. Just saying. Anyway, I'm done for now. I gotta watch a lot of a tv show!

GOOD GAMES: 125

BAD GAMES: 84

OKAY GAMES / HAVEN'T AGED WELL: 29

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 3

Movie Review #78: Silent Night Deadly Night (2025)

 

I have ot mention this because it's so weird to me. After I watched this not very good film I looked it up on Google to find the poster and found a link to a video on YouTube called Silent Night, CUCKED Night. I watched it for 3 seconds before I was like yeah no. I just like that a ANTI WOKE EVERY MOVIE IS NOW TOTALLY 100% ULTRA LEFT WING COMMIE SHIT movie channel picked this. It was wild. Anyway, yes, they remade Silent Night Deadly Night for the second time. The first time was in 2012 with Silent Night (don't worry if you didn't realize it's a remake they do a bad job of showing you that it is, I mean it does have Malcolm McDowell going GARBAGE DAY in a weird forced scene. That was not a very good movie and I will say that this one is better but man it is still a weird and not very good movie. So it's time to discuss this stuff.

I think I should start by talking abotu the other movies in this series. I really love the  original Silent Night Deadly Night a lot. It's this weird dramatic thriller that goes through the life of this poor son of a bitch. He sees his parents get murdered and raped and all that shit. Then he goes to an orphanage where this HORRIBLE AWFUL GARBAGE BITCH NUN pretty much shoves his face into the dirt for the next 20 or so years. He then gets a job and after being forced to wear a Santa suit (the guy who killed his parents was wearing one) drives him fuckin crazy and he starts murdering the shit out of people while either screaming Naughty or Punish. He does not get to finally punish the nun who was the shittiest piece of shit who ever shit and was really the reason he snapped. Fuck that nun so hard. The second movie is a fucking mess but that's why I like it. About 60 percent of it is just clips of the original movie but what makes it amazing is the new footage. They get the most awkward actor they could to play the brother of the guy from the first movie, Ricky. You've seen the Garbage Day clip. EVERYONE HAS SEEN IT. It's amazing. I will never tire of watching it. The third movie was just a blah slasher film that really shouldn't be watched. The fourth movie was about witches for some reason but it did have Clint Howard. Still, don't watch it. The fifth movie was kinda enjoyable. The first remake was also blah.

OK. Sit your ass down. Just sit it down. Don't stand up because you will fall on your ass as I tell you about this movies bonkers ass plot. Okay, for the first part of the movie it kinda starts up the way the original does. However the kid is then sent in to see his Grandpa like in the original movie. He dies right there and his family just leaves and they drive around and well they end up getting killed by a man who we later on find out is Charlie the Janitor of the nursing home his grandpa lived in. We find this oue when we find out that Billy got out of the car after his mother pretty much killed Charlie the Janitor and he grabs his hand and this is what causes Billy to become a murderer. Charlie starts living inside Billys head. Yep. This is shown NOT to be some kind of mental issue or anything of the like. Charlie talks to Billy during the entire movie (can I say that I wish a single movie that does this would have the voice be like Pee Wee Herman or Ernest P Worrell instead. That would be weirdly hilarious) 

So Billy then starts killing people at the age of 17. He starts with his foster mother and then he tries to keep going killing people each Christmas for a decade. He only kills bad people and how does he find out whos bad. Well it seems that Charlie has the power to tell if someone is a good person or a horrible monster. You are thinking "Claw you seem to like bonkers weird ass horror movies and this is sounding like a bonkers weird ass horror movie?" I really wish I did but this entire movie is boring as fuck except for like one scene where he kills a bunch of Nazis. Also Charlie's eye could tell she killed someone but could NOT tell she was a Nazi. I guess Charlie's Magic Eye is not that amazing. The biggest problem is this movie takes itself way too seriously and tries to make this shit seem not goofy. Really should have went farther into Goof territory there Mike Nelson. Yes, just like the MST3K/Rifftrax guy which is really funny. 

There was a lady in this movie whom I really thought was gonna be a killer of a bunch of missing kids and that would bring her and Billy together as some sort of murder couple that would turn into some kind of murder family. No what happens is that well they actually find the killer of the children and go and try to kill him. Billy dies and then they do a hand hold (which yes Billy did with Charlie) before Billy dies which brings Billy into her head. I would think it was really funny if they brought Charlie AND Billy into her head. Everyone just arguing with each other. Anyway she kills her ex-boyfriend who was helping the killer because I guess she gets the killer eye despite Charlie finally dying. This movie is weird and confusing and dumb and not done in a way that's all that fun to watch... I'd skip this one.

NES Game Reviews #41: Frankenstein's Freedom Force Fights GI Joe in the Fun House on Friday the 13th

 

Well, we are back with the NES game reviews. We are also back to really short paragraphs used to open up the posts. Yep, I don't really have any long sprawling things to mention this time. Just that I am very happy to be bringing you these reviews. It's quite fun to sit here and talk about NES with you lovable scamps. Anyway we like usual have six games and we are finally getting to the Gs. If I had actually kept up with this blog we would probably have been done by now. Anyway we will finish the F and start the Gs today. As I already said. I hope I can come up with more stuff to bring to these opening paragaraphs because man they are the hardest things to write, especially when you've done it 41 times (counting this one) BLEAH.

I like how similar the box art is to that AD up there. I wonder where the AD showed up in, must have been a magazine because I do not remember ever seeing that on the back of a comic book (or in a comic book) and I own way too many comic books from 1990. Anyway Frankenstein is in an unoffical trilogy of games I like to call "THE BOSS BATTLE SIDESCROLLERS". The other two games are Sword Master and Castle of Dragon. I call them the Boss Battle Sidescrollers because well you fight like 832 bosses in each level. It's really wild. I actually do believe that Castle of Dragon and Sword Master are somehow connected but this is not an actual trilogy of any kind. The games all do the whole shove 8290 boss fights in each level very differently but I actually really like all three games in the "trilogy" it's just they are all kinda jank to some degree. I would say Frankenstein is the least jank and the best of the three but it still has some rough edges they could have smoothed out, some of the enemies are just real fuckin jerks who stink. Anyway this game is worth playing and has pretty good graphics and music and hell you fight Frankenstein how cool is that! Very cool I say. There's only like less than twenty games left for the NES that I actually want to try and beat and Frankenstein is on there. It might be only four or five levels but it gets pretty darn hard when it wants to be! Anyway pretty good game from Bandai here and so far the best game they've made!

Can I say that when it comes to the Zapper games I prefer the simpler ones. Like Duck Hunt and Wild Gunman and Hogan's Alley. You know the ones that if they were sold today poeple would be like FUCKERS THIS IS JUST A DEMO but in 1988 it was bought for us and we would be like YAY and then shoot criminals or western criminals to our hearts content. the bigger Zapper games like this one end up being weirdly way too long or too hard. There is one Zapper game that I think is harder than ANY non-Zapper game and we will get to it when we can. Anyway if I were to give any of this "bigger" Zapper games the best title I would probably give it to this game, even if I do believe it's too damn hard. It's still clear that Sunsoft (who I think should be 3rd place in third party contest for the nes, either them or Taito, behind Capcom and Konami but that's just me) anyway this game is pretty well done but I am not good enough at it to really give you a full review.

This is a game I will be defending however I see now adays that people are way more kinder to it. I remember downloading like all kinds of NES roms and being like HOLY SHIT THAT HAD A GAME and I would play Friday the 13th with my sister being around being annoying because the computer was put in the family room. I used to have at one point go "get on the computer" now everyone is on the computer 24/7. It's wild. Anyway, even though I had no idea what to do I loved this game and would defend it on the old NESescity forums (and other forums) This game was really treated poorly back then and I wonder if it had anything to do with the AVGN video for some people. I dunno. I always thought this game was neat. You have to treat it as some kind of action/stragety game. You need to get the right things to fight Jason or he will wreck your shit. It was also easier at least for me to fight Jason in the houses than in the forest. I dunno. I did beat this game once in like 2006 when I finally learned how to actually play the game and had a great time. The game is still pretty hard but it's totally easier than Freedom Force, at least for me. Even on a emulator where Zapper games are easy as balls Freedom Force will fuck you in the ass. Anyway, I like Friday the 13th for the NES and I will be putting it in the good pile. I don't give a shit BOYOS.

This is a game that is uh, not great for one reason and one reason only, the game controls probably the worse of any NES game out there. It's amazing how bad it is. Despite that I still kinda enjoy this game. I think the levels have a neat about of variety and what you have to do does change a little bit. Sometimes you just gotta get t othe end and sometimes you gotta collect a bunch of shit before hand. So many times I died because I couldn't get to the end after collecting stuff. I am very sure portnoyd is going to yell about this game and uh I cant really blame him because most people yell at this game. I do no remember ever seeing the game show it was based on. I am also amazed that GameTek let someone who wasn't them make a game show game. I wonder if they are still pissed at Hi Tech Expressions for getting this one. I dunno. Anyway this is probably going in the bad game pile even if I do kinda get a kick out of it. Sometimes it's fun to play in the dirt ya know.

G.I. Joe A Real American Hero is a great start for the Gs. Games based on something like a movie or a tv show or a cartoon or whatever can vary ALL the way in quality. In one case you can get The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and in other cases you get G.I. Joe. G.I. Joe is a game where you get to play as several G.I. Joes (all of which have different power ups and play styles) and they go through a bunch of very well thought out levels that have you do different things to stop the evils of Cobra! Apparently to get the "true" ending you had to beat this game five different times, like every game Taxan produced and honestly this game IS worth playing five different times. GI Joe for the NES is a worthy addition to anyones collection regardless of how much you like GI Joe. KID and Taxan did an excellent job here and this game shouldn't just be considered shitty because it was based on something! 

Another KID classic. KID was very underrated and GI Joe The Atlantis Factor apparently got mixed reviews in the heyday of the NES and I really fail to see why. This is a great sequel. They said it gets repetitive and I really do not see that. I don't think this game ends up being long enough to be repetitive. The levels are different enough to keep from that feeling coming. I do not know why I am arguing with 33 year old reviews of this goofy shit but man I am because it is my blog and YOU CAN EAT A FARTY POOP! Anyway this game has great graphics and music and I love the level up factor so you can make Snake Eyes (the coolest GI Joe. I don't care who you pick instead portnoyd) into a furious beast that just blows away Cobra agents like no other! It's great. The challenge level is pretty good but I do think some of the later stages get into that "oh FUCK YOU" area of challenge. You know what I mean. Anyway the best thing about this game is how they would have totally be sued for their level select stage. It is SO much like Bionic Commando it's kind of amazing. Seriously.  If they weren't working with Capcom it would have happened. I wonder if Capcom wanted that or someone worked on both games or someone liked Bionic Commando and wanted to homage it. I dunno. It's funny to me.

GOOD GAMES: 120

BAD GAMES: 83

OKAY GAMES: 29

IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 3

Movie Review #77: Jingle All the Way (1996)

 

Saturday June 10th, 2023. That was the day I posted my final Movie Review. I would write mini reviews from then at random times and hell I still might to mini reviews for movies that I wanna talk about that just don't have enough for a full review. Anyway I mention that because it was on the Phantom Menace. I still think it's a piece of shit but since then I did see Attack of the Clones and I will give you my review right here so you get two reviews in one. It Stinks. I just don't care about Star Wars beyond the original trilogy and I just do not care if I ever see Star Wars Revenge of the Sith. I can live the rest of my life and enter the grave and never see that movie and I'll be happy. I do not know why I'm bringing this shit up but anyway. I decided to bring back the Movie Reviews because I want to try to post AT LEAST 20 times a month on this blog this coming January. If I can pull out more that's great but I want twenty posts that I can look at and go "OK, this is not awful and I think I conveyed my points across very well" and I picked Jingle All the Way because I honestly was not sure If I ever saw the movie before. I mean I probably had. I was alive in the 1990s and the movie was a big thing. I just can't remmeber a single thing about it so I figured that's a good reason to watch or rewatch something. What did I think?

Jingle All the Way is a really really really really really fucking stupid movie. It's incredibly stupid. It's also incredibly entertaining. I like the number of "Oh hey it's that guy" that show up in this movie. There's Arnie. He's not really a that guy. Neither is Sinbad, or Phil Hartman. However just about everyone else really is. First off Robert Conard of Wild Wild West fame (not the movie with WILLARD SMITH, I mean the original TV show) plays a cop that I will bring up later hopefully if I remember. Martin Mull shows up as Radio DJ (who has a ponytail!). Yep Colonel Mustard from the Clue movie just pops up just for the fucking hell of it. Larraine Newman and Harvey Korman play the President and First Lady in a Turbo Man segment that opens up the movie and I just love the fact that despite they don't even say anything someone was still like WE NEED HEDLEY FROM BLAZING SADDLES AND ONE OF THE ORIGINAL SNL CAST FOR THIS SCENE!!! Yeardly Smith hits on Arnold in the movie! WE GET TO HEAR THE SWEET HEAVENLY VOICE OF CURTIS ARMSTRONG. This movie was clearly casted by me. Again tumbling backwards through time. So I guess time travel DOES get invented!

I figure I should talk about the movie's director because he has a really really weird career. The man's name is Brian Levant. He wrote for The Jeffersons, Happy Days and Mork and Mindy. He then directed Problem Child 2 in 1991. Then Beethoven in 1992. Then the Flintstones movie in 1994. Then this movie. Then came a sequel to the Flintstones movie. Snow Dogs.  A  Jackie Chan movie. Two of the five live action Scooby Doo movies (Yes. they made five of them.  No I have not seen all of them.) and A Christmas Story 2. The man's career is the most "what the fuck the same person worked on all of this stuff" of all time. Good job Mr. Levant! 

You know those really big toys of the past. Like Cabbage Patch Dolls or Tickle Me Elmo and how some people got so fucking crazy over them. My dad saw ladies go insane over some Care Bears. He learned how dark and cruel humanity could be in that Zellers in 1984. This movie is about that. So this movie starts on December 23rd and a kid played by that kid from the Phantom Menace shows up and he gets really sad because his dad played by Arnold could not get to his karate belt ceremony in the night. Two days before Christmas and I'm thinking this couldn't be some kind of Christmas play or something else? Like I could probably not be so angry if my dad missed my Karate Belt Ceremony but I would be really angry if he missed me in a play. I didn't overcome my stage fright for you to MISS ME DAD!!!!!  Anyway the kid is angry and Arnold has to get him  back on his side. Arnold learns of Turbo Man today and his wife played by Rita Wilson reminds him that he should have already gotten one for their son. He has not. Turbo Man is the biggest toy of all time, ever

This causes a crazy ruckus of him trying to go to every toy store (just to be laughed at) so that he can find Turbo Man. He runs into another father played by Sinbad who also will do anyrthing to get the doll. He finds a group of Santas selling broken bootleg toys. He even tries to rob his neighbor and punches a damn reindeer right in the face! This movie is god damn bonkers! He ends up getting dressed up as Turbo Man and ends up showing his family that he truly does love them. In the dumbest way possible.

This movie has some of the goofiest weirdest comedy ever. It's all an incredible mess. Okay, Phil Hartman does his Phil Hartman things and is playing a guy who is clearly trying to get with Arnold's lady. His character does not feel like they should be in family friendly film. He just wants to hump Ms. Tom Hanks. Okay another thing about how weird and all over the place the comedy in this movie is. First off Arnold meets up with a cop and the cop makes him do some shit in the beginning of the movie causing him to be late to the karate ceremony (THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN A CHILD'S LIFE!) . This cop also shows up a few more times. Arnold causing antics to him, like knocking down his bike. In one scene, in the radio station he takes a package from Sinbad who had pretended it was a bomb and it literally blows him up all Looney Tunes like. There are no more wacky cartoonish gags like that in the rest of the movie. I mean except like when Arnie flies around as Turbo Man, but still. I do not know what the comedic tone was going for but it was ALL OVER THE PLACE. It still made me laugh.

The only thing I don't like about this movie is it insisting that kids would not love a pink tiger voiced by Curtis Armstrong and would not want his toy. I would have wanted Turbo Man and all of his friends and enemies. You needed the whole damn set to play with the characters anyway! Anyway I've said enough about this movie. It's very stupid but I still had a lot of fun. It's probably the best Christmas movie I've reviewed and much better than the sequel. I do not know why I've seen more than zero Larry the Cable Guy movies.

NES Game Reviews #40: Flintstones Fists Against Formula One Racing.

 

I kinda don't want to go back to just small openings just yet, so I wanted to post a image of a Nintendo Power cover that had FLINTSTONES for the NES on it. You'd think they would rate a mention on the cover but nope. Neither did any of the other games I will be talking about today so I have to go with this poster from Nintendo Power, which lets me do my literal favorite thing is complain about the shit sucking fuckers who want to nickel and dime every single thing related to nostaliga. I mean I've kinda grown to hate seeing posters on walls because of shitty YouTubers, but here's the real deal. This guy took the poster out to sell it. He even admits it in the damn ebay listing I got this image from. So he can probably sell the magazine later. I'm amazed how much that annoyed me and how I had to mention it. Seriously if I somehow get the power to do so all of this stuff, even shit like fucking Stadium Events and Amazing Fantasy 15 will be at the give me twenty bucks for the whole lot price point. Like these guys wouldn't be able to say anything else. It would be amazing.

Anyway, I feel like talking about Nintendo Power and Video game magazines and I don't really care to make an entire post about them. So I will do it here because IT IS MY BLOG AND I CAN WRITE ALMOST 2,000 WORDS ON WHATEVER THE JESUS FUCKING HELL I WANT. Anyway I never had a subscription to Nintendo Power and I never ever saw any issues when they first came out. Seriously, not a single one, UNTIL issue 100. I remember buying that and letting a kid named Frankie borrow it and yep, I never saw it again. issue 100 is probably the point I would quit collecting Nintendo Powers if it were you know possible. I'm sorry but unless I become a millionaire of some sort would I start spending the prices people want for these magazines. I seriously, do not believe the first issue is now OMG RARE. I just cannot do it. I mean I never had the first isuse but I did have an issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly that talked about Yoshi's Story and that's interesting to me for two reasons. It involves what just might be the most god damn insulting moment of my life that didn't involve Mr. Shithead. Another kid, one of the cool kids. At least I thought he was cool, literally said WHILE I WAS THERE how he was going to get me to let me borrow his magazine and he was just oging to keep it because it had Resident Evil 2 things in it. Yeah, I was a weird kid. Yeah I was in SPECIAL ED but Jesus fucking Harold Christ I deserved at least enough respect for you to not TALK ABOUT HOW YOU WERE GOING TO STEAL MY MAGAZINE IN EAR SHOT. Oh and how Yoshi's Story was so easy and disappointing. You do not need a magazine to beat that game. Hell you do not even need a fucking pulse of any kind. It's really sad.

Anyway I once got like thirty-forty Nintendo Powers for so cheap that it made it worth it to get them all. I don't remember where or when but I just had to have them at that point. I do remember reading them all so much they got torn to shit and I have maybe three of them left. I don't know if I can say I have three. I loved reading them over and over again. It was so cool. NES/SNES era Nintendo Powers. I might actually want to collect Nintendo Power. Not today. I got some Nintendo Powers recently as in a like a year or so ago and I just realized after buying all of them for $10 EACH that one of them had no back cover. Amazing what time does. Now we can finally review some NES games. I promise next time it will be a very short opening.

I made a mistake within the last post in this blog post series. The last game was supposed to be this and not Flight of the Intruder but for whatever reason that game fits better for that post so I'm going to keep it. It's not like I'm going to forget a game. If any games get dropped or forgotten I will go back to them like I will for the Power Pad games. You will see way too many NES reviews. Anyway this is not a very good game but it was made between 1985 and 1987. I mean okay this game was finally brought over in 1989 but it's really a 1987 release and I cannot get to angry at a game that was made that early. For the most part. I'm not going to be too happy with most of the NES Black Box sports games. Anyway this game is probably going to end up in the bad category because it's not good but a lot of people get angry at this game and I really can't. This game has not very good graphics, not very good sound. It can be either really really hard or incredibly easy. It feels like the game's enemies and bosses can either be trapped and beaten easily or they will trap and beat you easily. Anyway you are better off watching the anime or reading the manga instead of playing this game. I know they made a ton of sequels and I never bothered to play any of them.

They made a surprisingly amount of Retro games based around Hanna Barbera things but most of the games made for the NES, SNES and Genesis were made around three properties. The Flintstones, The Jetsons and Scooby Doo. I have mentioned before how I was never a really big fan of two of those shows. They were just kinda bland and this is coming from someone who watched a lot of Hanna Barbera and look upon them fondly. I was never a fan of the Flintstones. It was on the list of "Whatever" Shows. Ones you'd go "whatever" and watch. I don't remember a lot about the Flintstones. However I really like the video game platformer games based around the Flintstones. I really remember playing and renting the SNES game a LOT and think it's still pretty good. I mean addmitetly I have a huge wild ass boner for platformer games in general, regardless of what license you put on it. This is a simple fun game game made by Taito. The game looks like the cartoon. the music is good. and I like how they even put in mini games and everything. I just like platformers and I think this is a well made one. 

Yes, it's another rare game. Yes you know what that means because I will always do this until I am done with every game (I am also thinking about putting in Europe only games too but who knows how old I will be when I am done) and that's complain about how most of these games are not that rare. First off I do not believe this game was a blockbuster only rental thing at this point. For two reasons. Yeah Flintstone had some marquee value in 1994, definitely more than it has now but not enough for Blockbuster to go HOLY SHIT YES WE NEED THIS AND ONLY US. The second reason is look at that date for the games release. 1994 was the final year that licensed games were released for the NES. In 1994 they put out 11 Licensed games and 1 Unlicnesed game (at least according to some website I just found) and no Blockbuster isn't screaming NO ONE OF THESE LAST GAMES MUST BE OURS. I could MAYBE see if the entire internet was saying the SNES Taito Flintstones game was blockbuster only but I will never believe, unless GOD HIMSELF FLIES DOWN FROM THE FUCKING HEAVENS AND TELLS ME HIMSELF that Flintstones Surprise at Dinosaur Peak was a Blockbuster exclusive. Nintendoage can kiss my ass on that one. Also the price for most copies of this game come out to over 1,000 dollars. One entire fucking grand for a old ass Video game based on an even older ass cartoon series.  Seriously you can't spend that money as a normal person. Sorry you are now rich if you can spend that on ONE VIDEO GAME. Like I don't know what my mother would think if I somehow spent that on ONE THING even if I did save up for it. I would never spend this much for a NES game because I hate to break it to the people who want to somehow make this their investment for money making. These games will end up being plastic coasters that will not work. Finally I have finished bitching about shit heads who have ruined collecting everything because they don't want to learn how the fucking god damn stock market works like a fucking actual adult who does investing of things and now I can talk about this game. If you like the original game and I do then this is a new group of levels and characters to play and fight. This game is a bit harder than the original and the last stage is a bitch. I like the inclusion of being to play as Barney as he moves differently than Fred and I just think everything like music, play control, level design, mini games and everything you want in a platformer to be r eally done well in this game. It's not worth over one thousand dollars and people who invest into video games, comics and all kinds of stupid nerd shit should get run over by a sherman tank. Fuck you all you all.

You might be wondering why I put both of these games here and I'm doing ot for one reason and one reason only. I legit forget which of these games is which. They are very similar. One of them is the sequel to the other and I forget which is which. I think Flying Dragon is the original and the sequel is Flying Warriors. I think Flying Dragon was mostly a platformer with a few one on one fights and Flying Warriors was the one with mostly one on one fights. I remember both of them being pretty alright, yeah I spent $10 at the flea market and got two NES games and if I had spent a penny more I would be disappointed. They were literally $5 at the Flea Market good. Just the barest minimum of Good, not okay, not bad. Just barely getting to that Good level. I just remember being like yeah I enjoy playing these games but for whatever reason I don't care enough to put in the time to actually beat them. I really should but who knows. I just put them both here because there's just enough to discuss with both of these very similar games and they are both good enough for one paragraph. Sorry not sorry.

a few posts ago I talked about Ferrari Grand Prix and was actually talking about this game. I got them mixed up. This is a game where you build your car up and changes shit. I really should have noticed something was up when I saw that Ferrari was made by Acclaim and not Seta who made like 5 games for the NES and I don't know if they even did make any more for the Game boy or the SNES. They were like yeah this video game making thing is not for us and just went off to do something else. I really do not know. Anyway this is actually a review of Ferrari Grand Prix which is..........fine. It is clearly one of the racing games they want you to put effort into figuring out how it moves and not just Rad Racer where you plug it in and just race to the end of the stage in the time allotted. I just much prefer the Rad Racer style. Will I one day fix this mistake and put the reviews where they are supposed to be, maybe but that day will not be today because I am EHHHHHHHHHHHH TOO LAZY. 

Another six games down. SEVERAL HUNDRED LEFT TO GO. Anyway here are the rankings of Good, Bad, Okay and WHATEVER THE HELL ELSE

Good Games:115

Bad Games: 82

Okay Games: 29

Impatient baby might be whatever: 3