The Final Episode #93: Darkwing Duck (1991 - 1992)

 

You know I'm thinking of what I want to be the top 100 shows I review for this thing. I want it to be weird and wild but also have stuff people other than me care(d) about. It can't all just be The Raccoons and Caroline in the City. It's gotta be some mainstream stuff because I liked a lot of that too. I knew that there are two shows (both Disney!) that I want to include in the top 100 so well, you can expect another Disney show (or two!) in the top 100. Where will they show up! You'll have to wait, you impatient asshole. Anyway I knew I had to discuss my favorite Disney Afternoon show as a kid, which would just happen to be Darkwing Duck.

One weird thing I learned just now is that Darkwing Duck somehow started it's life out as a sequel to Rocky and Bullwinke and Friends called The Secret Life of Bullwinkle. One Disney guy thought because they were selling VHS of the show meant that they owned it now. However this wasn't the case and it happened one week before they were going to show it to higher ups. However at the same time a fella by the name of Tad Stones (which might be THE coolest name ever.) was told by Jeffery Katzenberg himself to do something with a DuckTales episode called Double O Duck. Tad didn't think the secret agent stuff was doing well at the time and he was kinda right too. License to Kill had failed in the box office and critically and James Bond would go away for half a decade. He also felt that Launchpad would not work as a main hero, and I think I'd probably agree with him. He was fine for that one episode but it didn't work as a full show.

So he turned it into a superhero parody and Launchpad became Darkwing's partner in crime fighting. GizmoDuck shows up but for whatever reason Tad Stones says this isn't a DuckTales spinoff... even though in a later episode Glomgold and Magica De Spell have cameos. Yeah, sorry Tad but that sounds like spinoff material to me. Or they are all just alternative universe versions of the DuckTales characters which would still kinda make it a spinoff. I don't know why I'm writing this here. I guess I just wanted to get my thoughts on this very important matter out there. Hey it's important to ME! 

Anyway Darkwing Duck  was a superhero spoof. or parody or whatever you want to call it. And I thought and still think it was a pretty funny one. He would even work with a secret agent service involving characters that probably were in the Double O Duck show, like that old bird and the angry bear. I liked that angry bear. Darkwing Duck was not like your regular superheroes. He was selfish, at times pretty stupid and egotistical. He didn't want to help people out of the goodness of his heart but for praise! He ends up getting a foster daughter named Gosayln who was a fun character in her own right. Launchpad was also here as mentioned above. The banter between these guys worked out wonderfully.

All of the regular bad guys were a hoot. Megavolt (voiced by Homer Simpson himself!), Quackerjack, Bushroot, Steelbeak, Liquidator, and many one offs were all a lot of fun to watch. The show could also get weird and dark at times which is always fun for a Disney show. One example that most people bring up is how Darkwing Duck thanks to time travel shinaningans loses Gosayln and becomes a crazed lunatic called Darkwarrior Duck who jails people for even jay walking. There's also an episode where Darkwing Duck is mistaken for a potato vampire (hey its still a cartoon) and is almost staked through the heart. I saw that episode recently and I was like "WHAT THE FUCK" when that scene came up. It's no wonder that at one point at least six of the ninety one episodes were banned. One is still banned. Thankfully I watched this show in reruns in Canada and we aren't WIMPY BABIES like America.

The biggest reason I didn't rewatch The Final Episode of this sooner is that I remember the Final Episode clearly. Some shows I never knew what was the Final Episode or if I had ever seen it before. A lot of these are the first time I'm seeing these episodes. I know this one was the Final Episode because it would rerun on the Family Channel (which is the Disney Channel for Canada. I don't think it exists anymore) and I remember thinking it was lame. Like it was one of the few episodes of the show that I went "well I could have easily played some Super Nintendo instead of watching this".  Unlike Little Michael's feelings on TaleSpin being dumb and incorrect. He was and still is right about this episode. It's very lame.

So what is the Final Episode of Darkwing Duck all about huh? Well it involves time travel using Quackerjack's time top that Darkwing has now, but before that let's mention the writers of this episode. It was written by Tad Stones and Dev Ross. Dev wrote for like every Disney cartoon including stuff like Jungle Cubs that no one remembers except me. She also wrote several Land Before Time sequels but I'm not going to hold that against her. She wrote some great episodes of Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers and Darkwing Duck AND the newest Care Bears show. I'm not going to praise this episode but they've totally done fine work before it's just you don't hit it out of the park every time man. Not even Babe Ruth did that. Actually I don't know and I don't care to look up.

Anyway, "Extinct Possibility" the Final Episode of Darkwing Duck was brought into our world on December 12th, 1992. I'm surprised it wasn't a Christmas episode. (I've mentioned it before but can you believe four shows ended on a Christmas episode.) Anyway Darkwing Duck and the gang are brought to a museum to figure out this problem. The problem is that there's a Darkwing Duck stuck in amber from way way way back in the time of the Dinosaurs. So Darkwing Duck is freaked out and decides to use Quackerjack's Time Top (I did not expect to say that so many times in this post but here we are). They go back to the Dinosaurs age and they find out Dinosaurs can talk!

Woah! Not only that but the Dinosaurs in this universe have captured and apparently killed all ape like creatures. So that's why ducks and other animals apparently rule in this universe. Wild. Anyway one of the Dinosaurs think that Darkwing and the gang are mutants so he goes to show the other smart Dinosaurs and this is the big reason why I think this episode stinks so badly. I really really really do not like these Dinosaurs. Something about their voices and the one joke that they run into the ground of their inventions being the opposite of what you normally see. Like concrete wheels and rubber roads. 

So Darkwing has to sit through some dumb jokes that don't work and he finally mentions that he fights crime in the future. These dinosaurs then talk about Johnny T Rex and his gang of miscreants. Johnny T for some reason is a Greaser. You know like the Fonz, except not fun to watch. Anyway he and his gang fight Darkwing until Gosayln gets the great idea of challenging him to a race. The race pretty much goes well for Darkwing because the two goons get knocked out. Johnny T Rex then smashes the rubber road and stops Darkwing dead in his tracks. However this gets him stuck and Darkwing and the gang just run on foot. Somehow they end up flying because I cannot keep this episode in my head because it's so forgettable and lame. Darkwing wins the race and Johnny T Rex flies off into the distance.

The dumb shitty Dinosaurs with awful annoying voices accidently send Gosayln and Launchpad Back To the Future without Darkwing and well Darkwing gets stuck in a the amber and then we go back ot the museum and Darkwing is saved and then they show that the same thing happened to Johnny T Rex. Woohoo. So happy. 

FINAL VERDICT: I really didn't enjoy this episode 20 years ago as a child and I really don't enjoy it now. It just feels very forced like they were given the mandate to update season 3 to 13 episodes instead of like 12. It feels very last minute and oh man what can we do kinda thing. I don't know, I just know that I would have rather talked about any episode from the last season instead of this one. I really don't like when shows I like or liked end on a bad episode but it's happened before and it will happen again.

The Final Episode #92: TaleSpin (1990 - 1991)

 

It's back to the well of Disney tv shows. Like TGIF it was something I talked about a lot but unlike TGIF I thought I had talked about more of them. You see when it came to Disney I watched the Disney Afternoon and then their followup on Saturday Morning One Saturday Morning. Yet I've only talked about six things from Disney. Ducktales, Disney's Fillmore, The Wuzzles, Pepper Ann, Disney's Gargoyles and the Final Donald Duck cartoon Family Planning. However I'm amazed that that's it. However looking at my Final Episode list there's an insane amount of stuff I'm surprised I still haven't gotten to. It's a tough job but someone's gotta talk about how Caroline in the City ended!

So TaleSpin was the adventures of Baloo the Bear from The Jungle Book learning how to fly a plane and go on adventures. They actually took several other The Jungle Book characters for this show. Share Khan, the tiger was one of the bad guys Baloo would have to go up against and Louie the Orangutan owns a bar. Orangutans are the best monkeys' out there and if you disagree you can eat my entire fat ugly hairy ass. Jerk.  The new added characters were Kit Cloudkicker and that shitty bear lady and her daughter that really annoyed me as a kid (I'll get into that in a bit) and they would just go on adventures fighting crime. IN THE AIR. 

Before I get into anything else can we say that a series that doesn't have the full cast in it's last episode is just weird. Like this episode doesn't have the lady bears shitty annoying daughter or Kit. It feels weird for the entire cast not to get into the Final Episode. I guess when I do my roundup tier list thing of the first 100 Final Episodes I will have to put this in B-Tier just because of that. That's also the tier list where Cliffhangers will have to go because they are technically incomplete.  Also I think I have to mention that this is actually a banned episode and still hasn't been put on Disney Plus. I do not know if they put it on the DVDs. It's banned because this episode involves a bomb on a plane. You know terrorism. Even goofy comedic terrorism is still you know terrorism. I can see why it got on the no-no list.

I mentioned above that I was not a fan of some characters in this show. They were the reason I didn't like to really watch this show as much as every other Disney show. I watched the flip flapping revision of Doug for crying out loud. Not that many people can take that much of Doug but I can apparently. Anyway I didn't like Molly the kid bear. I remember he being very annoying where as say Gosalyn from Darkwing Duck was incredibly funny and entertaining. I also didn't really like her mother Rebecca either. I thought she was a jerk bitch fucker. I also found out that she was voiced by Archie Bunker's daughter. What a weird world we live in. Anyway I did recently rewatch several episodes and I have to say that TaleSpin is very good and very funny and little Claw missed out on a lot of fun because he couldn't look past some lame characters.  

So how does this Final Episode start out. Well it starts out with Baloo talking to Rebecca and a guy in a suit (it literally has a zipper on the back of his head) who wants to send a package to the High Marshall of Timberhia or some weirdo name like that. I'm not looking it up. I am lazy. Eat shit. Anyway this guy turns out to be one of the owners who has a bomb factory and it's not making many bombs anymore because of a peace thingeabob. Yes that is what they actually call them. Shut up. Uh, anyway he gets Baloo to do this by saying he will become Pilot of the Year! This gets Baloo all ready to do this. There's another problem brewing in Timberlimberwimberland where the Colonel of the Air Force cannot fly and if he fails a test of the High Marshall he will be shot. the High Marshall is really into shooting people for a Disney cartoon. 

Anyway Baloo comes by and to get by the gates he gets his friend Dunder who told him about the Colonel's problem, get the Colonel to let him pass by telling him he will teach him how to fly a plane. Also I must point this out that Dunder is voiced by Lorenzo Music. Personally I think we should replace St. Paul at the Pearly Gates with Lorenzo Music. Who would YOU rather see before you enter heaven? You know the answer so don't even try to lie to me. Also now that I'm reading this paragraph I realize how bad my grammar truly is. It's either very short sentences or a large ass beast of a monster of a sentence. I'm sorry I didn't listen in 3rd grade English classes anyone who actually reads this. So yeah, we go through some pretty funny stuff involving the Colonel and his height. They need to put on plungers to get him to even be able to fly.

So the Colonel learns how to fly. Sorta. Kinda. Not very well. Still he wants to go to a club named Ivan's that pilots go to. He wants to see the 3:00 show which isn't good because thats when the bomb is set to go off. The bomb factory guy has realized that Baloo's aeroplane has gotten past the air vectors. So he gets into his own plan. Baloo and Dunder dress up as ladies and we get the classic joke where some dopey guy wants to fuck the shit out of them. I didn't expect to see drag twice in like a week and a half. Anyway he wants to impress the ladies and Baloo and Dunder want to get the package to the High Marshall. To make things worse the bomb factory guy is on their asses AND the army is throwing shit at them because Colonel didn't tell them to turn back on the air vectors! 

Baloo and Dunder end up ON TOP of the plane. I imagine this is something that happened a lot. Baloo is more courageous than me. I would be crying in my drag and it would probably also be soiled if I had to even think about getting out on top of a plane. Thankfully I was not in any danger in my nice pyjamas and all that. Anyway they get back INTO the plane and the only person's plane who gets knocked out of the air is the bomb factory man. He gets saved by a St. Bernard. Now we are at the High Marshall's summer rest house and Baloo gives the Colonel the package to give him. As he and Dunder go back to have a good time flying home a St. Bernard and the bomb guy show up. He tells them about the bomb and they all rush to the house.

The Colonel is about to give the High Marshall the gift and Baloo runs in and throws it out the window. Baloo tells the High Marshall that he was saving him! Everyone starts arguing about who sent the bomb and the bomb guy says he didn't and something about how he wont move from this spot to show how truthful he is. the St. Bernard dog comes by and blows him up. We then end the episode with the Colonel trying to fly the High Marshall back to his barber. Also I assume the bomb guy got shot because the High Marshall is REALLY into that.

FINAL VERDICT: This was actually a really funny episode that I must recommend to you all if you enjoy 1990s cartoons. It was action packed and the characters were memorable. Still weird that Kit wasn't in it.

Comic Review #70: The New Teen Titans Annual #2 (1983)

 

Well a while back I said that I wanted to pick one comic series and end up reviewing every issue over the course of well how long it took. I wanted to pick one series from Marvel and one from DC. I'm already doing Darkhawk for Marvel, so I decided, why not let's pick a series from DC. The DC series I plan to do is Vigilante. The DC version of the Punisher, not the cool western cowboy with the red mask. I'm sure I'll end up discussing his stories sooner or later.  I decided to go with The New Teen Titans Annual #2 as it was his first appearance, plus I haven't talked about the New Teen Titans either! It's a win win in my situation! So let's get ready to rumble!

 So to discuss the Teen Titans we must go all the way back to 1964. Yep, the days when our parents would read comics. We're talkin old school son!. Brave and the Bold #54 had Aqualad, Robin and Kid Flash team up. It would be a hit so several more Brave and the Bold stories and in #60, Wonder Girl joins and we finally get the name of Teen Titans. in 1966 they got their own series and quite some time was a pretty popular book. However that popularity died down in the 1970s and despite some attempts to bring it back the series was cancelled for good in 1978. However because they didn't like some of the things Jim Shooter was doing in 1980, Marv Wolfman and George Perez decided to go to DC and that's where they brought back the Teen Titans and revolutionized the series. If you enjoyed the Teen Titans series from the mid 2000s then you have these comics to thank.

Marv Wolfman had worked on several classic 1970s Marvel stories. He had done stuff on Amazing Spider-Man that I really like at least. He worked on Tomb of Dracula and Werewolf by Night which I'm really sad I didn't get to talk about them during the Great and Cool Halloween Super SPOOKtacular (see what I did there!). The man's biggest claim to fame in comics was probably the 16 years he spent writing Teen Titan stories from 1980 to 1996. The man went from 34 to 50 years old in that time. That's pretty wild. I think he only missed writing one two part story during that time. Now that's dedication! I think the best stuff he did was with his collaborator George Perez. He would help Marv with the stories as along with drawing the best comic art ever.  Well best comic art that wasn't done by Jack Kirby. The man could draw 820 heroes on one page and every single one of them would look awesome and dynamic. Pablo Marcos inks this comic and his art is also cool and good.

This comic starts off with a bang, literally! District Attorney Adrian Chase's house has just been BLOWN THE FUCK UP. He's being brought to hospital, it was mentioned that Robin was there before the explosion happened. The news reporter at the hospital tries to talk to Robin and he freaks the fuck out. Someone he knows is dying. Not the damn time to chat about shit you goober! It's a great little scene. Well who was behind the explosion, well it was a gangster by the name of Anthony Scarapellio or something like that. I'll just be calling him Tony from now on. How many gangsters get the name of Tony out there anyway? It's gotta be like 5200. Anyway he is talking to the Godmother (yes this is a feminist mob, son!) and well she wants his files and he knows that means he's gonna be a dead man. 

Tony ends up contacting the Monitor. He was a part of the Crisis on Infinite Earths crossover. If I ever discuss that series I will talk more about him. He gives Tony some fancy guards AND a bunch of supervillains (more on them later). The New Teen Titans are going through everyone who might even be a little connected to Tony and fucking them up. Tony has his fingers in a lot of pies. He's selling shit to Libya! In the 80s! Anyway this is where the group of supervillains come in. Slasher, Tanker, Scorcher, Spear, Bazooka and Cheshire. Except for  Cheshire I don't think these guys ever appeared in another comic. Not the best group of supervillains that Marv and George ever created but I don't think they were meant to be anything more than a group of losers that get their faces kicked in (after somehow getting one up on the Teen Titans). Marv does give them some character because he's a very good writer but they had two other supervillain teams that were just a lot more fun.

Anyway, Tony now tries to kill the Godmother and the rest of the mob with like several hundred killer guards. It's hard to tell really because George Perez draws so many that at the end of the big swarm that I really didn't want to count. However this doesn't go as he planned. The Teen Titans show up and pretty much make quick work of these guys. Tony runs away like a wussy baby and goes back to his house and talks about how he's running off to Haiti. Honestly that would have been something I would have done days ago but that's just me. Anyway this is when the Vigilante finally shows his face in his awesome costume. Robin is also there and  tries to get Adrian Chase (he's the Vigilante are you shocked! He had also been helping the characters throughout the story unseen which is a neat little story beat I think.) to not shoot Tony but take him in. However seeing as so many fuckers get off so easily because they have money NOT TO MENTION Tony pulling a gun on him. Well we can easily say that it doesn't work out for Robin. Especially seeing as he gets knocked unconscious. 

FINAL VERDICT: This was a great comic book. Lots of action, fun character beats, two new characters that get used a lot. There's a reason Marv Wolfman and George Perez's Teen Titans get like 82 thousand omnibuses and trade paperbacks. It's because the stuff is really damn good. Some of the jokes in this comic I didn't think worked but that's all I can really say negatively about it. I'm excited to get into the Vigilante series!

The Final Episode #91: Step By Step (1991 - 1998)

 

This is my sixth foray into the world of TGIF on ABC. You know the block of situational comedies on Friday. I've done Dinosaurs, Full House, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Family Matters and Boy Meets World. I don't know what else I can do or say for opening paragraphs on shows that appeared on the block. Did I mention the other blocks ABC tried to do like I Love Saturday Night or The Hump (Wednesday is the sexiest night of the year!). I actually don't think that I did because I would remember making a joke that awful. The thing is I don't remember these nights of the week. We would watch TGIF together as a family and I don't think my dad would have taken 2 nights of this stuff. Of course he likes The Big Bang Theory which even portnoyd can't argue is better than anything on TGIF. I know there's a few shows on TGIF that I still want to talk about, but only one big name one left. I really don't care about The Hughley's or whatever the fuck the second Olsen twins show was, but I'm sure I'll cover them because what the hell else do I have to do with the precious God given gift of life but talk about D.L. Hughley.

Step by Step for those not in the know was uh The Brady Bunch for the 1990s. Except they got the guy from Kickboxer 2 to be a big doofy goof in it. And the characters actually had something of a personality. Seriously. They at least made one of the girl characters stupid and vain and one of the boy characters a big old perv. A little bit of effort was put into the show and it makes it better than The Brady Bunch, but really is it a great accomplishment if you are better than what is possibly the worst long running sitcom of the 1960s AND 1970s? Not really but Step by Step did it. (Despite what it sounds like here I do find this show amusing but it's not exactly the most creatively made sitcom.) So yeah, Patrick Duffy marries Suzanne Sommers and everyone moves into one big old house. Suzanne Sommers mom and sister join in but they are forgotten about by the end of the first season. Is this the first time I've mentioned characters they just got rid of in a sitcom? Wow! Step by Step wins the cake! Oh and for some reason because it was the 1990s they had two characters that were real life Beavis and Butthead. Weird.

So I, as a child, would watch TGIF throughout its entire run pretty much. At one point we'd watch it as a family but I think my parents just got too annoyed by Urkel. I even followed this show and Family Matters over to CBS. I had to click the remote control at least several times to do that so you know it was a huge arduous ordeal but I did it! I pretty much enjoyed all of the shows as a kid except for whatever reason Full House. That one just annoyed the piss out of me. I guess it was because my sister made me watch so much of it in reruns. Anyway despite that I have no real hard memories of Step by Step other than I'm sure I watched it. I did however go and watch the vast majority of the series in like 2020 and I have to say that yeah, it's silly and corny but that's TGIF. It's still a lot of fun to watch and I enjoyed myself. I also have a lot of thoughts about some of the weird shit that happens within this show that I gotta talk about because I put the effort into putting them into a text file and letting a text file go to waste is too big a crime.

The first thing mentioned is a joke the character JT makes "OJ WALKS and I get detention!" Clearly I do not have to look any further because that is the most 1990s joke of all time. Step by Step keeps on winning! I also did not realize how absolutely horny this show was. Carol and Frank do all kinds of role play sex. There's an episode where he dresses up as Garfield! Well he only puts on the ears but still who the hell does Garfield role play except furries. I guess Patrick Duffy is a furry. More proof is that Carol has a tattoo that says Wolfy and Frank likes it but only if she calls him wolfy. Wow. I didn't think we'd see stuff like that on here because why not. At least every other episode someone is doing goofy ass shit with a giant prop or wearing a stupid costume. I respect that, this cast was up for EVERYTHING.

I think I'll take a look at the guest stars because that's also in the text file and well this show had some doozies! Michelle Williams when she was just a kid. I don't even know what she's popular for but that name is very familiar so good enough. John Astin from The Addams Family who plays a guy who wants to kill himself until Cody the goofy idiot from Kickboxer 2, 3 and 4. They didn't even have the money to hire him back for 5 thats how bad Kickboxer 5 was. Yeah Cody the goofy idiot of the show not that he was a goofy idiot in Kickboxer. He was a serious man in those films. Yeah he saves the guys life. It was a wild episode. Doris Roberts, Raymonds mom from Everybody Loves Raymond. Urkel appears in several episodes and thus connects Step by Step and the other shows into a TGIF Shared Universe. I can't wait till they make movies out of these shows! Oh and David Graf, better known as Tackleberry from Police Academy, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, Police Academy 3: Back in Training, Police Academy 4: Citizen's on Patrol, Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege and finally Police Academy: Mission to Moscow. I did all that by memory alone because I'm the coolest person on this planet.

I guess it's finally time to discuss The Final Episode which graced our television screens on June 26th, 1998. It was called "Movin' On Up" and no they sadly do not crossover with The Jeffersons which I think would have delighted port very much. He's all about that Webster crossover. Well this show gives us the usual family sitcom ending plot of the house is going to be sold. There's a bit of a twist but I'm sure that twist was already done before. Yeah, sitcoms if they are lucky get the big grand ending of either "selling the house the show took place in" or "character gets married". It's kinda sad but so many of the shows I talk about Final Episodes could literally be placed in the middle of the shows run and you'd never know the difference.

This Final Episode was directed by Steve Wittling. He was big in the late 80s for being on the show Valerie. I don't even know what show that was. He apparently was in Batman Returns AND the main actor in a probably shitty Sega CD game called Wirehead. You know one of those full motion games that looked neat but weren't fun to play. You know I'm right and those games were shitty, but yeah apparently he directed the Final Episode of Step by Step. This world of ours is a beautiful and weird place. This episode was written by Merideth Siler who wrote and worked on such shows as Gimmie a Break, and Empty Nest (Richard Mulligan is an underrated treasure). Also something called Dear John. 

As I said before this is a "OH MAN WE MIGHT GET A NEW HOUSE WOO" final episode. It starts with Frank telling the family that he came in under budget and under time for his latest work that his boss says he can build another house and it will be sold to him for what it cost to build it. We see Lily, the new cute child (the original cute child had grown up and was not even really in the show anymore at this point) leave the kitchen because she doesn't want to leave the house. At first Carol (Suzanne Sommers) doesn't want to move either until Frank goes IT'S GOT A FIREPLACE BABY! and she's instantly into it.

Well Lily is now getting into trouble in kindergarten. Even throwing balls on the roof. Carol even asks her if she could have found a better way to fix her problems and she says I COULD HAVE PUNCHED HIM. little kids being violent is good comedy. Uh, anyway Carol sends her to her  room. They then go check out the new house and everyone is into it. Except the little joykilling rugrat named Lily. The Fridge AND Dishwasher appliances TALK to you! It's like living in the damn future! Then we go back to Carol showing two yuppies the house. Do people even still use the word yuppie. That was a fun word. I hope it's still in use somewhere.  They mention swedish meatballs and these people go "We're Vegan! we don't eat meat" and then Frank goes "That's okay theres some Catholics next door and some Jews across the street!" 

So Lilly gets into trouble again and there's a fun scene where they are snarky assholes to each other. That's another reason why this show is better than The Brady Bunch. Snarky asshole comments are way better than OH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH STEP SISTER rubbish. Anyway the Vegan Yuppies (that would be a good band name) come back and they want to pretty much change how EVERYTHING in the house looks! Carol ends up not being able to sleep and is looking at old photo albums. She confesses to Frank about how she doesn't want to leave and he tells her he feels the same way.  Lily comes down and tells them how she also doesn't want to move. They decide they aren't moving and it's time to show the Vegan Yuppies the door!

How do they do this you might ask? Well they have to do their final walkthrough the house and they have everything get screwed up. They have the faucets not work. Mark the nerdy kid comes down and says the toilets back up and they mention how it's not really the toilets but the sewer system and it only happens about.......twice a week. Then they talk about the termites and the bulgarian wood eating worms that are also destroying the house. That still doesn't get them to go so the kids start howling like ghosts. Frank mentions how they lost their sheepdog and THEN they give up and call the house a hellhole. 

The show ends with Frank giving the family gifts because they were all set on moving but it didn't happen. This is a really nice little ending to the episode and the show as a whole.

FINAL VERDICT: Yeah it's the ending that Blossom had, and I'm sure other Family sitcoms have but I think the fact they decide not to sell is a nice little twist and the episode was amusing enough. Maybe I'm just jaded by the fact so many shows either ended on a fucking clip show or a cliffhanger that I'm like "Yeah this was a nice way to end the series" for Step by Step. Oh, the text file also said to mention Cody and the goat. Yeah Cody ended up hanging out with a goat at a frat house. It was sure something!

Movie Review #65: Home Sweet Home Alone (2021)

 

You know, I was going to do this as a mini review along with another probably shitty movie that came out this week. You'll have to wait to see if I even review the other movie because I don't know if I want to review movies or anything ever again. I don't know if I want to watch another thing ever again because I'm afraid that the thing will make me as mad as this fucking pile of shit made me. Yep, Home Sweet Home Alone is by far one of the worst and dumbest thing I've reviewed for this blog, and I talked about how much I loved VR Troopers as a kid and thought it was fun upon a revisit of the Final Episode. You know me I'm lenient, I just want to have fun with this blog and enjoy these things and let the chips fall where they may. I was thinking of doing a top 5 worst things I've reviewed for my blog and this would be right up there.

No I did not go into this movie with high expectations. The reboot or sixth sequel or whatever the fuck they want to call this fucking abomination from hell was not something I wanted to ever see. Home Alone did not need 5 fucking sequels to it. I'm sure there are people who will argue that it didn't even need one, but Home Alone 2 is at least a fun film that won't give you a fucking headache. I'll tell you the two good things about this movie 1.) Buzz has like two fun scenes in it and 2.) I get to add another movie to the Disney/Touchstone Pictures/Hollywood Pictures watch a thon and I like adding things to lists because I'm a very weird person.

So I think I'll get the biggest thing out first, this movie feels like it was just made by a boardroom of old men who probably never even saw the first movie and only sorta know of things kids these days do. Yes, we get the usual hashtag jokes. The people who end up being the burglars are like "OH WE NEED A W" like people do online. These do not work as jokes in a live action movie. We can easily argue if they work as jokes online but at least there THEY MAKE FUCKING SWEET ASS JESUS CHRIST SENSE. Oh there's a remake of the gangster movie from the original movie that's now a space movie like Star Wars and the dad goes and does the WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE "joke" of MAN THEY SHOULD NEVER REMAKE MOVIES BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL IS ALWAYS BETTER. OH HO HO. yeah, fucking end it with that joke remakes. Stop making cutesy jokes about the original film. If you really have to remake something take the premise and DON'T DO A SINGLE THING THE ORIGINAL DID. Yeah, I'm sick of seeing these jokes and shit. Fuck.

What pisses me off the most is that I think this movies plot is the most contrived thing ever written. They are trying to get this nice Christmas ending but it does not work. I'll get to that when I get there. Okay so there's this family who's having to sell their house and the main Home Alone kid goes to there house. Then they find out that a doll they had was worth 238,000 dollars because only ten of them were made. The husband realizes the doll is missing and believes the kid stole it. They end up going to the kids house and loudly talk about how they are going to steal THE UGLY BOY and the kid believes they are talking about him, not the doll. So these HARD ON THEIR LUCK PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO SELL THEIR HOUSE BECAUSE OF FAMILY OR SOME SHIT try to break in and get the doll back. After some shitty traps (these are the worst in the series.) they realize it wasn't the doll he stole but a soda. He also mentions how he's home alone (they thought he was with his grandma) and they want to invite him to stay with them.

I ain't buying that shit. After you bruise and beat and SET FIRE TO MY FEET i'm not going to be friendly to you and let you come to my house. I'd leave the fucking house and MAYBE just MAYBE call in to the police from a place that wouldn't let the police know who I was. I'd sell my house sadly and then go home. These families would not end up becoming friends because THE HOME ALONE BRITISH FAMILY WOULD WANT THESE PEOPLE WHO COMMITED CRIMES TO GO TO PRISON. sure you can feel bad for them because they had their property stolen from them but they still committed a crime to get it back. It's a shit ending that is poorly trying to manipulate you. Yeah I know I said not to do anything the original did but I'll say this you can easily make the BAD GUYS IN THE MOVIE ACTUAL CRIMINALS.  don't try this shit.

The saddest thing about this movie is despite the awful awful script is that the actors are trying. They are genuinely trying to do their best. Rob Delaney and Ellie Kemper as the bad guys are trying. Kenan Thompson for the 5 minutes of screen time he gets is trying. The kid from JoJo Rabbit is trying. It's just that no one at that board room meeting gave a sweet shit about this movie. They just wanted you to watch it and because I have to see every movie in a stupid franchise I ended up watching this. Home Alone 3 was bad. Home Alone 4 was worse. I did not see Home Alone 5 (but I'm sure I will) but this, this is the fucking bottom of the barrel. No actually this is not even good enough to be considered bottom of the barrel. This is sitting somewhere outside of the fucking barrel. Fuck this movie and fuck you.

FINAL VERDICT: Disney, if you make Home Alone 7 I will kidnap the frozen body of Walt Disney and you will never find it. I am not joking about this. DO NOT TEST ME.

Comic Review #69: Quasar #17 (1990)

 

Alright! It's time to get back into reviewing Comics! The last one was in October! That's like two whole weeks ago! I picked this series because I was reminded of this issue and I remember it being a neat little story so I wanted to give it a re-read. It also requires a bit of backstory so when I describe that backstory I get to make it look like I put more effort into these things then I actually do. I usually just vomit words onto the computer screen but this time I get to vomit even more words on the screen making people go "Wow this guy really has a lot to say about this comic book" which is sorta sometimes true but it's mostly me being the wordiest bitch in the history of talking. See just explaining that took an entire paragraph. 

Anyway you might be asking yourself "Well, how did I get here?" and after I get slapped for making that terrible joke I will tell you about the story of Quasar. It goes back many many decades. You see his story kinda goes back to 1940s Marvel. There was a character named Marvel Boy. Then Roy Thomas a man who loved the 1940s more than humanly possible decides to bring him back for a story in the 1970s. Sorta, he gets a new name and I think he turns out to be a robot or something. I haven't re-read that story in a long time. Anyway this guy had Quantum Bands and when he was disintegrated (this is a cool word and should be used more) S.H.I.E.L.D. takes over. This is where Wendell Vaughn comes in. He has to put on the Quantum Bands to fight A.I.M. He stays around as a S.H.I.E.L.D agent for a little while in Captain America comics. 

Showing up in another hero's comic is pretty much his thing until 1989 when Marvel Comics puts out his own comic. Mark Gruenwald was the writer of all 60 issues. This series had all kinds of artists on it, our pal Mike Manley from Darkhawk comics comes in again. So you might be asking yourself what is the plot of this issue huh? Well it's like those old DC comics where Flash and Superman would race to see who was the fastest in that universe (in my mind it should be the Flash who always wins those races because he SHOULD be the fastest man in the universe). This story starts right where the last issue ended, with Quasar, the Squadron Supreme and Captain Marvel flying back home from a space fight with the Stranger. Quasar sees someone run past him and it causes him to shit his britches. They all land and say there goodbyes and when Quasar is flying back to house with Makarri of the Eternals running below him. They meet The Runner!

The Runner is one of the Elders of the Universe. They are the oldest beings in the Marvel universe. They all have this thing they are passionate about and that's how they get their superhero name. Like the Runner or the Obliterator (another cool word that should get used more). Ego the Living Planet is a  Elder of the Universe so they are totally fucking awesome. Anyway the Runner wants to race all of the fastest beings on the planet Earth. So he gets Makarri who is not happy that someone is faster than him. I'm going to skip the stuff that sets up different plot points later on because I really usually do that and discuss the main plot of any comic anyway. 

So let's discuss the people running in this race. First we have Black Racer, a snake lady who is a member of the Serpent Society, a group of snake based bad guys that fight Captain America, mostly in the 1980s and 1990s. Speed Demon, a bad guy who fought Spider Man and I think had one appearance before this. Super Sabre, a guy who would fight the X-Men and is like old as fuck. He's in his 60s I think. Quicksilver probably the most famous of the Marvel speedsters (and probably my favorite. I love arrogant superhero assholes), the second Captain Marvel, Monica Rambeau (and my favorite of the lot of them) and of course the Runner! Oh and the Whizzer but I fucking hate that stupid looking asshole and his stupid name. Would you be amazed that he has that name and wears a yellow suit. What a fucker. The Whizzer is one of the few comic book characters I would totally destroy if I had the chance. Fuck the Whizzer.

So during the race Quasar is brought back to earth to find someone who sent off an alarm he had created using his powers. He's got to keep an alien creature named Eon safe. A man whos pretty much completely naked except for a red and yellow appears out of nowhere thinking about his old world. He is compelled to run and well he ends up beating everyone. He then gives himself the named Buried Alien. If you can't guess by now this special guest is The Flash from the DC universe. the Pre-Crisis on  Infinite Earths Barry Allan Flash. Yep, this is an unofficial DC/Marvel crossover! I love when these things happen. There's a couple of them and they are all fun. Anyway the Runner takes him away and Makkari shows up. Quasar tells him that since Buried Alien wasn't from this earth that makes HIM the fastest man on earth! They have a nice moment together which ends the comic.

FINAL VERDICT: This comic series was for the 30 or so issues I've read of it, a fun time. Mark Gruenwald always wrote fun stories. I love his picking out of the most obscure things from the Marvel universe. The dude knew everything. I like how Captain Marvel loses because she's technically not hitting the ground enough for it to count as running. This might not be the most popular comic but it's had a cult following for over 30 years now and that's gotta count for something. Portnoyd will yell about it for some dumb reason because he's a giant turd.

The Final Episode #90: Reboot (1994 - 2001)

 

I'm honest to God surprised that this show was picked last in the Facebook thing I did. Seriously amazingly surprised that this is the case. I will have to ask Ichiban Crush why Reboot was picked last on his list. Everyone else it was first or second. I was seriously thinking that The Wuzzles or The Fall Guy would have been the last show picked. In fact I was hoping people didn't pick the Wuzzles and I could have been like OOPS I GUESS I CAN'T TALK ABOUT THAT SHOW. The Wuzzles was a show I really should have not picked it at all. I should have just jumped ahead to The Adventures of the Gummi Bears because people give a shit about that show. Not a single human being has ever given a shit about the Wuzzles and I refuse to believe anything to the contrary. 

Enough bashing of the Wuzzles, even though I would like to continue to do so. I have to finish talking about Reboot before I can do that. So what exactly was Reboot you may be asking, if you are either too old to be reading this blog or too young to be reading this blog. Well Reboot was created by Mainframe Entertainment a Canadian CGI cartoon company. They also made Beast Wars. Reboot ran from 1994 to 2001 for four seasons. Well, three seasons and two movies which they then cut down into episodes for the series. I don't think I've ever seen the entire fourth "season" of episodes so think of this as a review of the entire fourth season. Let's do it that way, why not!

Anyway the main plot of Reboot for the first two seasons was Bob and Dot Matrix and Enzo her little brother fighting inside games that the computer user would play. They would have to defeat the user or a section of Mainframe where the game landed would be destroyed and everyone within would be nullified. They would be turned into these weird little blobs. They kinda looked cute to me. They would also have to put up with viruses MegaByte. and Hexadecimel. It changed in the third season to be more of an ongoing episode to episode plot. Bob was thrown into the Web and thought destroyed. Enzo was made the new Guardian of Mainframe despite being like 8. He and Andrea (a game sprite that changed into a mainframer somehow. I forget. Give me a break I didn't rewatch the entire series you jerks) were caught into a game and changed themselves into game sprites and they would go through game after game to hope to return home. It was thrilling television to me as a kid and it was also really funny. One thing I gotta give this show was they were good at building tension but not leaving out the laughs.

So whats up with Season 4 episodes 1-4 or the first movie. Well it starts with this character named Daemon who I guess has this cult of people who join her after she infects them or something. Oh and Dot and Enzo's dad is back! Wild huh? Yeah somehow Good Virus Hexadecimal and a bunch of Nulls worked together and hes back somehow? I dunno. Anyway Little Enzo is being a turd like usual. He didn't become cool until he became Matrix. Matrix is a big grumpy action man so in other words a big asshole. I love him. Anyway Daemon is trying to infect everyone on the web ever! and Bob's sick! Well, this all sounds fine and good but Daemon is a really boring villain and you can't tell a great story with a villain this boring. I know they were trying something different from MegaByte and all but she's no good. Hexidecimal gives up her life to save everyone and I wish it was a better story because she was a fun character and deserved way better.

So Part One of the Final Episode of Reboot starts like this: Well, it actually starts at the end of the Daemon story where the Websurfer pops out of a portal and with him.....ANOTHER BOB. Oh shit, just after Dot had told Glitch Bob she wanted to marry him (I will refer to this bob as Glitch Bob because he and Glitch became one) So the episode proper starts up with a silly gag opening making fun of silly ass sitcoms. It even has a Brady Bunch parody thing. I liked that. the opening turns out to be a dream that Dot is talking to Fong about. Glitch Bob and Bob want to find out whos the real deal. I'm going to assume that this new Bob is just MegaByte the regular villain of the show. The game they play was a lot of fun, a silly take on Pokémon. I laughed and was amused. Yep. 

Part Two of the Final Episode of Reboot is pretty wild. Glitch Bob wants to remove himself from Glitch and tries several different things (one is a teleporter system like in the remake of The Fly, the second is the transporter from Star Trek and the third is some kind of portal thing. The portal thing does not work and ends up turning him into a weird statue. Like Han Solo in the Carbonite). The game they play this time involves a sequel to another game. The one that starred Rocky the Rabid Raccoon. I do not remember that episode but Rocky does look familiar. At the end with Glitch Bob being looked after by the other Guardians and seeing if they can find out what happens. However Dot confesses her love to Other Bob and THEY ARE GONNA GET MARRIED. OH SHIT.

Holy hot moly! What is a moly anyway? Uh... Let's get back on track. Part Three of this Final Episode involves the marriage. They are going by real quick. I kinda don't know if the character of Dot would be so quick to marry him without knowing for certain but I guess she's just too excited. Enzo and Matrix are the best men. Dot gets a bachelorette party!! Bob only gets a kids party because well of Enzo. So yeah, Glitch Bob is having a dream within a dream where he sees a giant glitch (Glitch was this gizmo that Bob used to fight. All Guardians have one.) The Gizmos come back... come out of Bob and bring him back after nothing else works. Kinda uh weird. Feels kinda copout-y. Anyway I was right and guess who New Bob turns out to be. THAT'S RIGHT IT'S MEGABYTE. He's now a Trojan Horse virus and can shapeshift. How the hell will they beat him?!?

So The Final Part of the Final Episode is a doozy of a pickle. MegaByte transforms into Mike the TV and starts getting people panicking. So the main characters all decide to try to perform a plot to capture him. They put the thing he wants the most, the gateway to the super computer right under his nose and he takes it. Not realizing that one of the cars was full of everyone and they fight him and several minions that he turned viral. I was like oh I heard this show ended on a cliffhanger but they captured MegaByte...however it turns out it's just an alias and the real MegaByte had changed into Frisket, Enzo's dog and now has taken control of the main control room of Mainframe! He's now talking about how he's going to start the Hunt and all of the main characters are gonna be screwed and that's how it ends.

Yep, it was a cliffhanger after all. like Duckman or The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin or Spider-Man (1994). I thought I had talked about more cliffhangers but I cannot recall them at the moment. However unlike those they didn't reboot the series in an attempt to make money (and failed miserably because no one watched the Netflix show pretty much and the few that did were very annoyed.) which honestly pisses me off more. Do you realize how much money you could get if you tried to go back and give shows well animated ones (it's kinda hard with live action and all) the proper ending they deserved? You would have made more money and more people happy going back and giving Reboot a proper ending but nope, Hollywood is all about them Remakes adn reboots and reimaginings. We can't get away from them. It's maddening actually, but yeah. Stop the remakes and give us the endings to these shows damnit.

FINAL VERDICT: This is very annoying honestly. I'm seriously annoyed. The first movie was a bunch of nonsense that was not very entertaining and the second one was incomplete. I mean you never like hitting a cliffhanger (yet a clipshow to me is somehow worse. It just feels lazy, but thats here nor there). They just had to go LOL YOU GET A WEIRD POWER RANGERS IN 2017 RIPOFF. ENJOY JERKS. What a waste. I guess you could argue that Tony Jay the voice of MegaByte had passed away but Jesus please stop rebooting everything, Hollywood. Some things had their time and place within the history of things. Reboot was one of them. Fucking hell.

The Final Episode #89: The Fall Guy (1981 - 1986)

 

I don't know for sure why I picked this as one of the five shows for people to pick the order of shows contest thing I had on my Facebook. I think the big reasons were I had never seen this show and Jay of the Game Chasers praises it all the time and I've been curious about the show ever since then. I have a feeling that was the first time I even heard of this show. I also feel that I picked it because I want to discuss television shows that aren't sitcoms or cartoons. I won't stop doing the sitcoms or cartoons but TV is and was a big landscape full of crazy stuff and it feels like I'm not covering enough different stuff. I think I've only covered one sci-fi show for crying out loud! 

So what is The Fall Guy you fine people may be asking? Well it was a television series that ran from 1981 to 1986 for five seasons and 113 episodes. It was created by Glen A Larson for the American Broadcasting Company. You should know Glen A Larson because he created a ton of famous shows from the 1970s and 1980s, including Battlestar Galactica, Magnum P.I. and Knight Rider. You couldn't throw a stone in TVland without hitting a Glen A Larson program in the 1980s! Wow that's probably the worst sentence anyone has ever written in the history of mankind. I love winning because I'm so terrible. The Fall Guy starred Lee Majors, Heather Thompson, and Douglas Barr as stunt performers for movies and stuff like that who moonlight as bounty hunters. It even had Markie Post from Night Court in the show! Who could say no to television like that? Portnoyd probably.

As with TV shows I had never seen before writing the article, I watch a few episodes besides the Final Episode and discuss all of them with you fine beautiful folks. I picked out a few from the last season that I felt deserved some discussion. Now let's get down to talking! The first episode I watched was Femme Fatale and it guest stars the least talented person from the 1980s, Scott Baio. Yep, Charles in Charge himself, except he is not in charge! Someone is trying to kill him because he saw them commit a murder! He hides out in a drag club and the trio of bounty hunters have to go find him. This episode was a lot of fun. You get your usual silly drag comedy where a very conservative man is like "OH BOY I WANNA KISS THIS LADY" when in fact the lady is clearly someone who's being forced to dress as a lady. You get some great action! You get Scott Baio probably not loving what he has to do because he's ridiculously conservative. You also get Ken Foree! You know the badass black dude from Dawn of The Dead. Ken Foree is so cool he should be in everything!

The next episode is a Halloween episode! Had I known this show had two Halloween episodes I probably would have talked about both of them in more detail but anyway, this one was a hell of a lot of fun. It has the gang being forced into a "haunted" house by a shithead movie producer. they go there and it's the house of an British weirdo and a grumpy butler (grumpy butlers should be in everything.) and a mad man who escaped a mental asylum! How are the gang gonna get outta this one! I'm not gonna tell because I thought it was a neat episode and all that AND it has the best guest stars ever. It had Elvira (yes that Elvira), Doug McClure (from such films as At the Earth's Core and The Land that Time Forgot), Vincent Shavielli (the weird looking subway ghost from the film Ghost) AND Vernon Welles. That's right mother fucking Bennett is in this episode! Bennett may be the best action movie bad guy ever. Name me a better one. I dare you. I miss when shows would do a big episode for the holidays. 

Speaking of holidays, we have Escape Claus. And with that spelling you know it's about that jolly old fat man who gives presents. Or at least someone pretending to be him. It's that usual old plot of IS THIS GUY CRAZY OR REALLY SANTY CLAUS. It always turns out to be santy claus. Unless you are watching Silent Night Deadly Night then it's just a crazy person. This Santa is played by Dr. Bombay from Bewitched and age did not help him. His entire face looks like it shrank and he has no chin. it's weird and I don't like it. This is your usual cheesy Christmas episode where Santa and the gang have to save an orphanage from going under. You either love this stuff or want it to burn. Personally I'm a fan. The only problem was the bad quality of the upload..........I mean dvd I watched. You know what would be cool, if they made a streaming service of just old stuff. People would watch it. Sadly they won't do that and fun shows like this just sit rotting away in some jerky studios jerk storage.

The Final Episode was called "The Bigger They Are" and was written by Glen A Larson and Stephen Glantz. Stephen Glantz has written for shows like The New Adam-12 (can I say that 98% of shows with New in the title were bad?) and the movie Showdown in Little Tokyo. Yes, with Brandon Lee and Dolph Lundren. I think that might be the most homoerotic action film ever made. It's great and I recommend it highly. Anyway the episode starts out with Colt, Jody and Howie doing their day job of stunt work. It's a crazy big stunt and It goes well. Colt is met by a lady who I'm going to name Judy and she talks about her son who I'm gonna name Jimmy who is angry at the world because his dad has passed away.  

Colt talks to him and Jimmy really wants to become a stuntman. Even asking for Colt to be his mentor. We then get Colt getting Jimmy to go to a baseball game. After the game Jimmy asks Colt if he will teach him how to fight so he can beat up a bully. Colt does the old "OH I CANT HELP YOU LEARN HOW TO FIGHT YOU MUST USE YOU WORDS" stuff and I'm like man teach the poor kid how to fight and hope he mashes the bully's face into goop. Fuck bullies. In the dickhole. Colt tells him about a boxing place and he goes there. He totally runs into Billy Wolfe, which is what the bullys name is apparently. I think I'm going to change my opinion and say bullies rule because really who couldn't love someone named Billy Wolfe? Anyway they go inside the boxing club and it's ran by this cop dude that Colt knows. The cop talks about how he's got a restraining order on him because he's been investigating the largest PCP seller in the state. PCP is such a 1985 drug.

The Cop tells him that he's not so easy to catch because he uses kids to do his dirty work. He tells him that he keeps a list of all his drug houses in a computer that he has in his disco office. This guy is running a disco in 1985 so I can see why he needs to work in the drug trade also. He's gotten Jody and Howie in on the action. They are even dressed up. Jody actually has a pretty nice dress on and Howie hoo boy I think he pulled that tuxedo out of the shithole. They have to distract Jones the PCP Pusher until Colt can find all the information on the drug houses. It turns out that the dastardly Billy Wolfe is working with Jones the PCP Man and getting him kids to help sell PCP. Man I take it back I'm not a fan of Billy Wolfe anymore! Drug dealing is not cool, jerk. 

Jones the PCP Man is leaving when Jody and Howie literally start beating the SHIT outta each other to keep him from leaving. This is some wild shit. Tables going everywhere. It's a hoot and a half. That's right, almost two hoots!!! This gets them kicked out while Colt is still upstairs!! There's a fight and Colt jumps through an unopened window. I think that's my favorite action movie stunt. It's always just so cool to see a dude or lady blast through a window. It's back at the boxing club where Jimmy is learning how to keep stamina and coordination but he just wants to punch. PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH!!! Colt is still trying to keep him from getting murdered by BILLY WOLFE. Who is now being told of the offer by Jones second in command. I'll call him PCP Man #2 because I just like the term PCP Man. Does anyone even do PCP anymore?

Jimmy ends up in a fight with BILLY WOLFE and his gang. One of his gang members looks like he could be a silent movie comedian. He's got the silly hat AND some suspenders. Suspenders are cool. I can't wait to be an old man to use them. Anyway Jimmy takes a fucking beating and his mom is worried and Colt came to see whats up. Colt talks to Jimmy and learns that his tormentors are also the PCP drug dealers. Colt tells him he will deal with them. Now Colt and The Cop are in a stakeout watching for something at the ONE drug house he was able to find. Jesus Colt really sucks at computers. Anyway they find out that the PCP people are putting the drugs in a garbage bins and taking them back via garbage trucks. A pretty brilliant plan if you ask me. They try to take the drug dealers but the Cop gets shot and Colt gets a truck to drive through the damn drug house. Trucks wrecking a house needs to be in more action related cinema and tv. Just saying.

Thankfully the Cop is fine. Jody and Howie go after some slimeball that knows everything. I think this guy is played by someone I should recognize but I don't. Anyway he pretty much lies to Howies face and steals his money until Jody pretty much puts the squeeze on him. Jones the PCP Man and his #2 guy played by BILLY DRAGO are planning to kill Colt and the Cop before the big shipment comes in.  Jimmy and Colt have a nice chat about what Jimmy is really angry about. Which is his dad dying and leaving him and his mom. That's what he's angry at. Now for some weird out of place comedy that still made me laugh because it's so goofy. Colt's truck gets shot at when trying to get to the place where all the PCP is going to be delivered and crashes into a huge cake. It goes flying and hits a man a lady and a Benji like dog. I laughed when it hit the dog. Poor dog.

Jimmy takes his Walkman and tries to get information on the gang. His mom calls Colt and well I guess it's time to go beat the shit out of Billy Drago and hope to get some information this way. They get their way and are told its in some warehouse! Jimmy is found out and Billy Wolfe is made to kill him, but Colt ain't letting that happen by CRASHING THROUGH THE DAMN DOOR! Colt and Howie beat the shit outta Jones the PCP man and random guy. Jimmy ran after Billy and gets him to the floor. He's about to hit him when he decides not too. Colt's words have gotten through to him! We end on some silly joke and that's that!

FINAL VERDICT: A very fun 1980s action show. Fun likable characters. You can get a goofy plot about saving Santa or a more serious plot about drug dealing. I enjoyed my time with The Fall Guy and I'm sure I will return to watch more. I didn't even get to see Markie Post!

The Final Episode #88: VR Troopers (1994 - 1996)

 

One of the most popular damn things in the 1990s was Virtual Reality. You had it in movies like The Lawnmower Man or Virtuosity or The Thirteenth Floor. I like Lawnmower Man. It's silly and cheesy but still a lot of fun to watch. It was in our cartoons, like The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest. Also why the hell does he not put H in Johnny?  Who the hell has ever spelt it Jonny? Jonny Quest is a dope. Uh. Where was I oh yeah Virtual Reality. They even had it in an episode of Sailor Moon. I'm surprised I haven't mentioned Sailor Moon more in my silly ass blog. You wanna know how popular Virtual Reality was in the 1990s, it even got to our old people, Angela Lansbury of Murder She Wrote was involved in a Virtual Reality plot. No this is not a joke. Virtual Reality was some hot shit in the 1990s.

It even got here to Newfoundland. We had this place you could bring tons of kids too for birthday parties and other events called Totally Tubular. Yes only in the 1990s could a place called that ever exist. Ever. Sadly the one and only time I went there the VR stuff was not working. I still don't know what VR is like or anything, even though you could buy the stuff now for a lot less money than you could in 1992. It just felt cooler in 1992. I really don't know why I mentioned this but it's my blog and I felt like I had to mention Totally Tubular at least once.

Another ridiculously popular thing from the 1990s (One of the things that are still being done these days) was Power Rangers. You know what happens when things are popular and can also be cheaply made. Yep, we get cash ins, or ripoffs, or whatever the hell you wanna call them. You got so many Power Rangers cash-ins, that Power Rangers came it's own genre. You had Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad (which is my vote for the best and worst title to any television show ever.), Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills (or maybe this one gets the worst name), Big Bad Beetleborgs (which I probably should have talked about during Halloween) and today's show VR Troopers. VR Troopers was also made by Saban Productions, You gotta respect them for realizing that they could cash in on their own property!

So VR Troopers was like Power Rangers a show about a bunch of young people from America who become older Japanese people when the fight scenes occur. You see they still did the old stock footage from the Japanese show in this show. I'm sure all of those shows did that. I don't know if Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills did but the others for sure did. They fight a guy named Grimlord and I had a big thing written discussing how great Tim Curry was but just realized that was Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad that he was in. I will have to save my "Tim Curry just might be the greatest actor who ever lived" bit for that show. Anyway the show came to an end because they ran out of stock footage from the Japanese shows. I don't want to give them any ideas but they could have easily reused the footage and most of us youngsters wouldnt have known the difference. It was apparently just as popular as Power Rangers at the time.

So I gotta admit that the Theme Song is one of those themes like Dennis the Menace from DIC that's very very incredibly lazy yet so fucking catchy. It's mostly some people going WE ARE VR!!! I just had to mention it. It's very 1990s. Anyway, VR Troopers starts with the younger version of one of the characters and his dad giving him a dog. The dog is a part of the cast too but still, anyway they mention some shit about how your friends will need your help from time to time. Not a bad message but uh, kinda muddled. Anyway it then goes to two of the VR troopers. The dudes. I'll call them Otto and Joe because I don't know their actual names and I don't care enough to find out. They are looking through the trash to build a robot to help this shows version of Zordon, who apparently is a chill black man with some nice jewelry. I guess they didn't have the budget to give him a Zordon-y look. 

The bad guy clearly sent one of his henchmen to see what the VR Troopers are up too and he REALLY wants this trash monster. So he gets turned into his actual bad guy self (he's apparently a rich guy in human form.) He talks to a black guy and a lady in ridiculous outfits. I mean it is a Power Rangers like show after all. The black guy called "Doommaster" wants to go after the robot. We then go to the VR Troopers headquarters and the dog Jeb from the beginning can now talk. He talks like southern gentlemen who sometimes bleeds into a weird Paul Lynde impression. Jeb is my favorite character. He's a blood hound by the way. I love those goofy looking puppers! So they have built Galileo after the famous science guy. Anyway something isn't working so they decide to bring him to Poindexter, who is clearly a chad that gets all the ladies.

Poindexter shows them one of his wacky new gadgets. It's to clean your face, brush your teeth and do your ears at the same time. Wild. anyway it wackily backfires on him because really it had too. He fixes Galileo but they end up fighting Doommaster and his henchmen and they actually get Galileo. Poindexter reminds them of the homing device so they start looking for Galileo. Grimlord tries to get some information from Galileo but he doesn't know the password! You are all like OH SHIT WILL HE FIND THE PASSWORD and yes, he does. in the same scene. Just randomly screams EINSTEIN and blam! He can download all of Galileo's knowledge of the VR Troopers. Did they even put in all the knowledge about them yet or what? Grimlord is kinda just presuming shit right now.

The VR Troopers find where Galileo but Grimlord has sent several people to go around fucking up shit. So Otto the cool blonde guy goes to fight them while Joe and Kaitlyn have to save Galileo. They do so by blowing the fuck out of the computer that was trying to get Galileo's knowledge.....by some weird lazer robot mind meld or something. They stop the mindmeld and Otto stops the bad guys. They save Galileo and he's all fixed. Jeb and Galileo do some silly comedy and then we go to the last scene where Otto is on a Motorcycle and is thinking about friendship and cool things like that. Yeah there's a message of helping your friends which is good but can they really call Galileo one of their friends? Dudes a cheap shitty robot made from trash. I think they could have put in a better message because apparently we needed television to tell us everything about the world. 

FINAL VERDICT: This episode was silly, goofy, dumb, filled with goofy wonderful costumes. I would say Power Rangers was still cooler because it had ROBOT DINOSAURS, but VR Troopers was a lot of fun and I actually enjoyed this more than the Final Episode of the original Power Rangers series.  

Movie Review #64: The Eternals (2021)

 

Yeah, there are spoilers for the movie in this review. So don't read on if you don't want to spoiled.

Boy oh boy, I think mister Kevin Fiege has grown too big for his britches. Thinking he can turn just about every Marvel Property into a movie not realizing some just work as comics. I'm amazed they went with this one instead of trying to use the X-Men or Fantastic Four that they own the rights too. For better or worse, even port would have to agree that those things have fans. The mass majority of comic readers and movie watchers and nerds had not even heard of the Eternals before this movie. The majority of Eternal fans (7 out of the 10 of them) are just big Jack Kirby fans who will enjoy any of his work. I'm surprised Kevin Feige wasn't like "Eh the Netflix shows aren't canon to the MCU at all now!" and just revamp Daredevil, or Luke Cage, or Iron Fist, or anything into a movie. I'm surprised they haven't tried to make the Thunderbolts. or New Warriors, or worked harder on bringing about the Young Avengers. Like I'm surprised they didn't just give James Gunn some money to just make a comedic Howard the Duck movie. Any of them should have popped up before the Eternals. 

For the 98% of people who don't know about the Eternals, well they were a concept by Jack Kirby made in the 1970s during his return to Marvel comics. They were human beings given superpowers by Celestials (cool robot God guys that are clearly the best part of the Eternals backstory.) and are pretty much immortal. They fight the Deviants (cool Jack Kirby monsters that are completely ruined and made generic in this film.) and some of them have names like Ikaris and Thena and Gilgamesh and are considered to be those actual ancient people/heroes/myths, and I think that's pretty interesting. However the big problem with the Eternals is that the Inhumans are very similar to them and are honestly a lot more fun to me. They know the Fantastic Four and you have that royal family dynamic to work with. I dunno. I think the Eternals are pretty decent enough but are probably the least entertaining thing Jack Kirby created when he came back to Marvel. Devil Dinosaur should have had a movie before the Eternals, any version, Just saying.

Now that I've revealed my true feelings about the Eternals to portnoyd, which is that they are just fine. I'm going to assume he ups his dislike of some things for our goofy arguments and really probably doesn't hate Hanna-Barbera as much as he pretends. Just never cared for any of their stuff. I don't know why I'm even mentioning that, I guess I just don't want to get into this movie, because uh, It's really bad. I'm going to say this B.C. The First Thanksgiving and Ghoulies IV didn't make me stop watching what I was watching like 50 times to go do something else. I figure I should also bring up what I feel about the MCU. I was a fan until around Captain America: Civil War until I realized every movie was very similar and that I probably wasn't going to be ever watching them again. It was just excitement of seeing these characters on the big screen. I did watch until the end of Endgame to see the big first story see its conclusion and then I just gave up pretty much. I did see Shang Chi which was decent enough but nothing amazing. I'd just rather read Shang Chi comics instead of watching the movie. You can say that for any MCU movie. I'd just rather read that characters or teams comics instead.

 You might be wondering why I felt like watching this movie and it really was because I had heard it was terrible. You tell me a movie is good or great and I'm like yeah whatever but if you tell me a movie is stupid or awful or poorly made or worst ever made and I will run like a mad man to see that movie. I just have to know if it's what you said it is. So if you want me to see a good film tell me it's a piece of shit. Anyway that's why I decided to watch The Eternals. This movie is about 73% exposition dialogue. Talkin about who the Eternals are. Talking about the Celestials. Talking about What happened in the past. Talking about what happened when the Eternals broke up. Talking about how they get back together. Talking about how they are apparently robots who the Celestials created (which I'll bring up in the next paragraph.) Yes, I get that sometimes, well most times a movie needs some exposition dialogue. It's gotta happen, but this movie has way too fucking much and you barely get anything about these characters. 

Unlike most of the people who were angry at this movie and downvoted it on IMDB, I don't care that some of the Eternals are now gay, or black, or deaf. Or any of these things. It's just they are apparently some kind of robots so why the hell did the Celestials make them these things? Why did they make them deaf? or gay? or any of these things. Do the Celestials want diversity? I just felt that they kinda didn't do the diversity thing very well. I hate saying shit like that too because I really do not want to be lumped in with YouTube and Twitter weirdos who are all like NO DIVERSITY EVER IN OUR GENRE COMIC ENTERTAINMENT!!!!! I just want the diversity to make a bit of sense. Oh, another problem is the Deviants are so boring. Go and find any image of the Deviants as drawn by Jack Kirby and then look at these weird gray crappy wolf like things. They are generic as fuck. There's also so much exposition dialogue that I didn't get to get a feel for any of the characters. Not a single one of them. Oh and the comedy in the movie is obnoxious and very not funny. Sometimes Marvel actually has some funny stuff happen in the movies and sometimes it's bullshit garbage. In Eternals it's bullshit garbage.

FINAL VERDICT: Yeah. I kinda want this movie to fail just because I want the MCU to go down now. Just because I'm an asshole and I want my comic books go to back down in price and not OMFG THIS CHARACTER MIGHT BE IN A MOVIE IN 2027 SO YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME 500 DOLLARS FOR THIS COMIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plus it would be funny for them to have the rug pulled out from underneath them because really you were getting too big for your britches when you reached to the absolute bottom of the Z-List for The Eternals. I even think some of the comics are fun and good but there's about 320 Marvel Characters that should appear on the big screen before them. Now to see what Portnoyd says and what I can argue with him about.

Movie Review #63: Robin Hood (1973)

 

Robin Hood is a story about a man robbing from the rich and giving to the poor. Personally I think we need a real Robin Hood these days but we don't need me complaining about billionaires. Anyway Robin Hood was one hell of a popular story for people to make their versions of. They must have made at least a hundred Robin Hood movies between the Errol Flynn movie in 1938 and the Kevin Costner movie in 1991. Another strange thing is after that movie pretty much every Robin Hood movie was a failure. Well, maybe not Robin Hood Men in Tights but that's not exactly the same as a real serious Robin Hood movie. Seeing as I'm doing this whole Disney/Touchstone/Hollywood Pictures watchathon I figured why not, let's talk about the Disney Robin Hood which is still one of the more popular versions of Robin Hood. (Strangely Robin Hood Men in Tights is probably way more popular today than Robin Hood Prince of Thieves) 

So this movie was made during a low point in Disney's history. Way before they became the super duper company that could eat other companies they were not making great money. Walt Disney himself had passed away 6 years earlier and they were trying to find out what movies they would make. This movie was good for the company as it made them money and was considered pretty good by critics. Personally this is one of my favorite Disney films. I'm weird in the fact I really like most of the Disney movies from this period. This movie is Robin Hood kinda mixed with another story called Reynard the Fox (a story that Walt Disney himself wanted to make going all the way back to the Snow White days.) This movie was directed by Wolfgang Reitherman, an animator that had been working with Disney since 1934. He's one of Disney's Nine Old Men. He pretty much directed every Disney movie between 1961 and this film. The ones he didn't direct he helped produce. So he's a big deal. Plus he's got one cool as hell name. 

This movie has a great cast. First off Peter Ustinov is great as Prince John, he's able to be a big sniveling weiner but when he's gotta be a scary angry bastard he's great at that too. Terry Thomas is also great as Hiss. These two have great chemistry together and are very funny. Phil Harris is great as Little Baloo....I mean John. Pat Buttram is great as the Sherrif of Nottingham. Everyone in this movie has a great voice. Secondly the music in this film is really good too, very catchy memorable songs that will wiggle your way right into your head and never leave. The plot is pretty much your usual Robin Hood shenanigans. I'm sure stuff is different from many other versions of Robin Hood but the stuff you wanna see in a Robin Hood story is here. The animation is bright and fluid and very well done, yeah there's some reused animation from things like The Jungle Book or Snow White but I still believe the vast majority of this animation is very good. It's even got Don Bluth working on it! 

FINAL VERDICT: Yeah this isn't the longest review for my blog, but this is a very well made animated film that is very amusing, fun, action packed, memorable and with a great voice cast. There's not much for me to complain about or point out. It's very much worth a watch and I believe you should check it out.

TV You Forgot About #8: B.C. The First Thanksgiving (1973)

 

Welcome back to the column where I discuss a tv series, tv special, tv episode that you forgot about. One that makes you go "They MADE this shit!?". So far it's really been about tv specials based around holidays. Can I say that Thanksgiving may be the most boring holiday. You can do a lot with most other holidays but with Thanksgiving you can have the Thanksgiving holiday get messed up. Or maybe turn the cast into turkeys or something. Despite this you'd be flabbergasted by the insane amount of Thanksgiving episodes and specials out there. Ones I forgot about even! Still I found four the most "wait what" Thanksgiving specials that I hope to get to before the end of the year. Yes, I know it's November 3rd and Thanksgiving is until the end of the month but I really want to show these four crazy messes to you.

So you might be wondering what B.C. is because you are a filthy monster who doesn't read the newspaper and were born in 1997. I don't hate young people it's just everything you do confuses me. Sometimes enrages me. I am an old man and I will never stop talking about newspapers and video rental stores! Newspapers from Saturday was a great time. You'd read the funnies (the ones in our newspaper were mostly not great.) and enjoy Calvin and Hobbes then you'd see what was on the weekend, even though you'd have the TV guide from your area (mine was The Newfoundland Herald, it had Spider-Man and Garfield in the comics section!) but I'd still check out the newspapers what was on thing. I was and still am a bizarre person who does pointless things.

Okay, now I can finally just finally tell you about B.C. it was a comic strip created by Johnny Hart (1935 - 2007). It was a comic strip that was based around cavemen and puns. And goofy jokes. A lot of goofy jokes. My love of dumb goofy dad jokes probably came from these comic strips. I would read B.C. and Hart's other co-production The Wizard of Id (which of the two is a better comic). No these didn't hit the top tier of comic strips like Peanuts, The Far Side, Calvin and Hobbes, Bloom County or Garfield. but B.C. is still a pretty enjoyable mid-tier comic. It's far superior to The Lockhorns (ho ho ho I hate my wife/husband and being married to them is a horrible arduous affair and I want to die) or The Family Circus (quite possibly the most boring thing ever invented by human beings and the fact I'm going to somehow have to discuss it's Christmas special this year makes me very sad). 

I still have to mention several things about B.C. that despite happening doesn't ruin it as a mid-tier comic because it shows how many bad comic strips have existed. Johnny Hart became a born again Christian in 1984 and well he used his comic strips about Cavemen to talk about Jesus. (Yes yes I know they made jokes about things that weren't around in Caveman times but it still feels weird to talk about Jesus in a Caveman comic. Or any comic that wasn't The Family Circus.) and well trashed other religious, like having a Hanukah candle set turn into a cross. Or have a caveman go into a outhouse and have the panel of SLAM drawn as a big I and have him go THIS STINKS. Yeah people argued about that and I'm still not sure if it was a weird bad joke or an old man being old. Despite this it had a Colecovision game which proves people liked it more than The Family Circus. Only the biggest sunday school religious nerds liked that or big goobers. I imagine Gene Siskel was a very big fan of The Family Circus.

So, now we can finally get into discussing the actual special that was put out into our world in 1973. November 19, 1973 to be exact. It was made by Abe Levitow who worked on Looney Tunes cartoons with Chuck Jones and UPA (they were most famous for Mr. Magoo.) He passed away two years later in 1975 at the pretty young age of fifty two. The voice acting in this special is pretty good, first off you got Daws Butler and Don Messick. I'm sure even portnoyd couldn't trash their skills. These men worked for Hanna-Barbera but still worked every where else too. They were incredibly good at voice acting. The kinda guys that could have a conversation with themselves and you'd never realize the voice was the same guy. Bob Holt, a guy who seemed to be a voice on every Dr. Seuss special that existed, except the Grinch. Joanie Sommers, a music lady who voices Fat Broad. You see she's fat and also a broad therefore the name Fat Broad. 

This special opens up, well, the YouTube video I watched opens up with a lady excitedly telling us about B.C. and Flip Wilson. Actually she seems to be the most excited for the late night movie Cotton Comes to Harlem starring Redd Foxx. Frankly I think she made the right choice. Of those 3 things I would be most excited for Redd Foxx. Nothing against B.C. or Flip but really would you choose any differently. Port probably would just to be a dickhead. Anyway the opening of the special is very cheap. B.C. gets run over by the gang of cavemen chasing a turkey and makes a bad joke. Then gets run over again and the opening ends. I can already tell this is going to be a doozy of a pickle.

So the special is uh already something, it starts out with B.C. sleeping and a tree gets hit by lightning. B.C. sticks his hand in the fire and it hurts. They do the usual "delayed reaction to pain" joke you've seen in 82,000 cartoons. It was done better in at least 81,966 of those cartoons. They literally take way to long for B.C. to actually react, and he goes back into his cave for some reason. I guess they didn't have enough money for a reaction shot. Or B.C. is shy. He gets his club and knocks out the fire and then the fire burns the club and we do the "delayed reaction to pain" joke again. It wasn't done any better the second time around. He sniffs the burning wood and sneezes fire, and yes they do this joke twice.

He uses his club as a torch and does a weird little dance number before seeing a volcano. He goes up there and sniffs the volcano but for whatever reason does not sneeze. He then sniffs it again and doesn't sneeze. He walks back down from the volcano. I do not get this. I expected this to be stupid but this is stupid beyond words. B.C. then goes back to sleep. Volcano sniffing is hard work I guess?  Oh NOW he sneezes and the Volcano does something. Yeah the comedic timing is really really off on these jokes, and I'm being very nice calling these jokes. We then get some dumb joke involving a turtle that blesses B.C. after his sneezing. B.C. then wakes up and I consider Daws Butler to be really good at voice acting but he clearly doesn't care here and you can easily tell when he gives up on the Jack Benny like voice for B.C.

Now it's time for some goofy comedy involving a bird and a turtle. They would show up in the comic strip from time to time, along with some ants. They were actually my favorite part. I enjoyed seeing them show up. They aren't very well done here and I guess are shoe horned in. Now we see Thor and this is the worst part of the special, all of the cavemen look alike except for the grumpy one with a hook for a hand for some reason. Not much variety behind these guys.  Thor wakes up. Cute Chick wakes up (yes thats her name) and drinks Fat Broad wakes up and smashes a snake against some water. A dinosaur wakes up and drinks some water. Grog wakes up and drinks some water. They all do some silly thing and you like me are wondering when the fucking hell the Thanksgiving part is  going to come into this Thanksgiving special. This is the fifth damn paragraph about what happens in the special and I've only mentioned turkey like twice! Oh and the wacky jokes aren't done yet. One is scared by Grog out of the water so he goes to lick some sand (no e he just licks sand for what seems to be 82 years). Then another cavemen comes out on his wheel and get this.......DRINKS SOME WATER. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

The crazy caveman that I thought had a hook for a hand (I swear he did but memory is a weird fucker like that) actually has a peg leg and he was my favorite caveman character as a kid. He uh yells and everyone shits their pants and goes away. He does not like the water drinking apparently waking him up? I know Port is going to go B.C. IS DUMB AND BAD AND EVERYTHING RELATED TO IT WAS SUPER AWFUL but I'm certain that the actual comic strip made jokes and not whatever the hell these things are. B.C. does his sniffing sneezing fire act again and I think the caveman known as Thor comes by and he has a Humphrey Bogart impression for a voice. He goes to Fat Broad who yells at him to put the fire on the sticks. She's cooking rock soup. Yep. tasty ass rock soup!

Now a turkey comes by and sniffs the rock soup. Yep we finally get the actual plot of this special......the caveman chase a turkey around for the next ten minutes. No I'm not joking that's the plot. So one joke has Thor ask Wiley the crazy peg leg caveman what a turkey is and he make some attempt at a joke involving Barbera Streisand. the turkey then sings one of her songs. They chase the turkey around a volcano and into the river and all get boners over Cute Chick (including I'm assuming the turkey.) then B.C. pretends to be a turkey and the turkey comes by and says "If your gonna do it, do it right!". This was the only time I even smiled during this special. The turkey gets stuck in a tree telephone that appeared in the comics. It wants to talk to the Midnight Stalker which was some superhero B.C. became. This just feels like forced fanservice. HEY GUYS LOOK IT WE CLEARLY CARE ABOUT THIS PRODUCT. I'd rather not see the big fanservice if you're just gonna jam it in there outta no where.

Now this thing is finally finally over. Sweet good god it's finally over. I'm disappointed now but I imagine how angry little baby claw who liked this comic strip would have thought. It would have been very not nice. I was even more positive about all the dopey crap I liked as a kid and I would have thought this was poop soup. speaking of soup, I didn't mention it but a dinosaur just randomly comes by and drinks the soup and doesn't like it. I didn't think it would actually come back up at the end of the special but hey they did something with it. They complain about how the turkey got away, there's no fire on the soup (did B.C. forget his fire sneeze power?) and all thats left is some rocks. Fat Broad then gives them the rocks to eat. Then she's like WE HAVE TO GIVE THANKS and they do. This fucking thing finally ends, but not before the turkey starts the chase up again. In a hilarious (not) fashion. Then it finally ends with him talking to Fat Broad, whos so fat she actually eats a rock! 

FINAL VERDICT: This thing fails for a lot of reasons. The biggest is that while I do like B.C. it was mostly a bunch of silly jokes. It was never something that had any really big stories to take from (there was like one story where Peter the inventor caveman went to find the new world, which has nothing to do with Thanksgiving). It was just silly nonsense, that's fine for a comic strip. It's not so good for a special. You could have probably done a better special involving the Wizard of Id crew (thankfully Jim Henson did them as puppets! I'm sure I will talk about that one day too!). The second problem is the budget. This thing clearly had a very small one and you can tell.  A lot of reused stuff appears in this one. I now want to watch more of Abe Levitow. He seemed to be very big in the animation scene, you just don't get to be a part of the Chuck Jones unit when they were making the best Looney Tunes if you don't have talent, but this certainly doesn't show his talent. Weird gags that just don't work and the usual gags fail because they clearly had no money and the timing is very off. Personally I should have gone and watched Cotton Comes to Harlem. Sadly, I watched this. I don't expect very much from the other Thanksgiving specials I hope to cover but I know for one thing they have to be better than this. Now if you don't mind I'm going to find a corner to huddle against and be sad that this thing exists.

Movie Review #62: The Wrong Guy (1997)

 

Well It's finally time. That's right. What am I talking about you may ask? Well back in the early 2010s I was a part of a forum called PlayTheNES, where we would talk about playing the NES.  You know the Nintendo Entertainment System. Well on one of the other forums where you could talk about other stuff I said I would review every Disney movie. Uh, I never ended up doing this. Ever. I didn't even watch a single film. Now It's time to hopefully rectify that. I plan to talk about all the animated movies, their live action movies, their made for tv movies, and the Disney Channel stuff. Yes this includes the direct to video sequels. If It has Disney somewhere on it and I can somehow find a copy I will discuss it on this blog. I will even throw in every movie made by Touchstone Pictures and Hollywood Pictures, two movie divisions owned by Disney. So expect a good time. Hopefully.

So I've mentioned Touchstone Pictures before in one review, well Hollywood Pictures was similar to that, except it seemed to have a lot more non-comedy movies. Sure they still put out comedies but they also did movies like The Sixth Sense, The Hand that Rocks the Cradle and Super Mario Bros: The Movie. That's right, Disney helped bring that fine piece of cinema into the world. I'm not joking about that being a fine piece of cinema either. I think that movie is a very fun time. Anyway I picked this movie for a few reasons. I enjoyed several of the actors within this movie, Dave Foley from Kids in the Hall and NewsRadio. Jennifer Tilly and Joe Flaherty. Three individuals that are pretty underrated and should have had bigger film careers. Dave Foley deserved a film career over Pauly Shore or Nick Swardson or Allen Covert. The shame is that I think this is the one film he was the star of and it's just not very good.

I'll give you a quick rundown of the plot. Dave plays Nelson a man who finds his boss dead (after saying he'd kill him) and gets all bloody and he honestly thinks the police think he killed his boss. Except the boss was killed by someone else and they even have video evidence on this. The guy was hired by the guy who got the job instead of Nelson. Nelson thinks he has to go on the run and the hitman thinks he is following him and you'd think wackiness would ensue but there's long stretches in this movie where they don't even try to make any jokes. Like it's really weird to see. There are also a few jokes that get stretched on way to long. It's like yes we get the joke can we get to the next scene? Another thing  that hurts this movie is that Joe Flaherty and Jennifer Tilly don't show up till halfway through the second act. 

However the biggest problem with this movie is that most of the actors are not comedic actors and ruin jokes by just not being good at this kind of comedy. There's a police officer duo that are wasting the FBIs money doing things not related to finding the killer but the guy just feels bored being in this movie. It's not very good. He's not the only one who's just not very good at comedy. There's a evil farmer who has it out for the Joe Flaherty banker (you know a flipparoo from the usual kinda plot) and well not only is that farmer guy not a good actor this entire subplot is just flushed down the shitter. We don't even know what happens and they do a sorta throwaway joke about it, just they didn't pull off that type of joke just annoyed me. I will be completely fair and say I still did laugh and chuckle at several moments in this movie. There's a fun scene with Kevin MacDonald (also from Kids in the Hall), it doesn't really save this movie. A lot of it is just Dave Foley and the killer going from random different scene to random different scene until Jennifer Tilly comes in and then they don't even finish her and her dad's subplot. 

FINAL VERDICT: I was disappointed in this motion picture. I was hoping for something better and more entertaining. I guess the really big Disney/Touchstone/Hollywood Pictures watchathon is off on a bad foot. Hopefully I'll find another better movie for the next one.