Yep, we are back with the Newer Spider Man comics and I don't know why I do this to myself, I think the main thing is that I don't want to be one of those guys that sees something happening in the world of comics or whatever and complains about it without checking the entire story out. Yes, something stupid that I do not like happens in this story but I don't feel like I can judge the story on those merits. So we are going back to the NEW SPIDER MAN comics where people complain about every little thing. What things are worth complaining about and what things are not? LET'S FIND OUT BABY as YOUR PAL CLAWX reviews some new Marvel Comics (I think I will try to review those new ABSOLUTE UNIVERSE DC comics because they look interesting and I'm intrigued by them. Anyway That's all that you are getting for this opening post so enjoy it or don't!
So our first issue is written by JOE KELLY, AL EWING and CHARLES SOULE. The only one of these three I know is Al Ewing. I like his Immortal Hulk comic. The only Joe Kelly stuff I ever read was Deadpool and I, uh, do not like Deadpool! It should not be a surprise for that to be said! Maybe if you are new here! Anyway random people are dying and get this Peter Parker is in trouble and has to put his life back together!!!! A very original story!!! This time he apparently went into space and people took over for him as Peter Parker AND Spider Man. Oh I think one of the aliens is his new girlfriend and they have BABY SYMBIOTES that annoy JOHNNY STORM who now has a handlebar moustache and looks really really really gay. I do not care about this new alien girl in the slightest. Marvel you went so far as to have the character of Mary Jane give up their marriage so I know you won't let anyone actually get close to Peter Parker so it makes any of these new characters or old characters pointless. Sorry but you were the ones who screwed that pooch. Oh and seeing as I never saw a single one of these characters before I do not give a flying hot fuck about them dying. Ben Rieley who I think (I do not remember any of the Zeb Wells Spider Man comics I read but I swear he decided to be good again) is now bad again because they have no idea how to do anything with that character. Should have left him dead after saving the day you know a heros death. The kind of death they love in VALHALLA
So I guess these people who are dying are connected to Peter Parker. OH NO HIS SECOND COUSIN BOBBY IS DEAD. You know to create mystique in a mystery someone the people have come to known A LITTLE BIT AT LEAST has to die. I do not care so far about this mystery, sorry BOBBY PARKER!!! Oh no! Carnage knows his secret! I mean he did connect to Ben Reiley the PETER PARKER CLONE in the clone saga so you'd think he'd already know this! Oh and Eddie Brock is now Carnage because I guess Cletus Kassidy is dead again and someone needs to CALM THAT MEAN SYMBIOTE DOWN cause it's TOO POWERFUL or something. I dunno. I can't really say I care. You kinda ruined me caring about new Venom/Carnage stories when you made MARY JANE VENOM and not have it be a one issue thing! I'm sure I will bitch about that later. It seems that EDDIE CARNAGE already knows about Torment and his chain killing, I think letting people realize that he's probably the killer in part one of your mystery story is not the smartest thing, but I also don't care about this mystery so I don't care what happens! Oh no the Carnage Symbiote somehow text on the phone without Eddie knowing about it and is talking to the Torment guy. I guess that's really how he knew who he was.
Oh no TORMENT our MYSTERY MAN is going to kill Mary Jane Watson!!! oh no! Aunt May is apparently dating some OLD WISE BLACK GUY but he's not as cool as Bill Cobbs OR Morgan Freeman so I don't give a damn shit about him! She does the whole YOU HURT ME BECAUSE OF SPIDER MAN CRAP BUT I FORGIVE YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. seriously Marvel, I know you all love this blog and read it in secret but this story thread is dead it has been beaten like a dead horse that it no longer exists. IT is no longer compelling IT MAKES PETER LOOK LIKE A HUGE FUCKING SHIT BAG DOUCHE. Just have him say I'M SPIDER MAN. THERE. You had her know for a while twenty yeras ago and fans who read those comics seemed to like that change so I DUNNO let a CHANGE happen to these stories and not BEAT A DEAD HORSE THAT DISINTEGRATED FROM BEATINGS IN 2000.
Venom and Spider Man fight the LADY OCTOPUS from the 1990s Clone Saga and I would rather blather about any story within THAT story instead of this stuff. Oh man Peter Parker is about to find out that Mary Jane is Venom! I don't like this but I don't want any hero's friends or lovers or whatever turning into heroes (unless it's like someone whos already a hero getting BUSY with another hero or something like Batwoman and the Question) or villains or anything, unless it was like some one off thing in the 1960s with JIMMY OLSEN or PERRY WHITE turning into WOLFMEN or some crazy 1960s comic book stuff. It just feels like "I am out of actual ideas for stories involving these characters so they are just a hero now blah whatever" I dunno. I just don't like it or think it's very interesting. Anyway Torment does the thing from the 1990s that pisses me the fuck off. It was when they'd bring out some douche bag wearing a trench coat and 420520942049 pouches in said trench coat and were like HEY THIS NEW BAD GUY IS SO FUCKING COOL THAT WE ARE GOING HAVE HIM KILL (Insert character here that had been around since 1960s and was probably created by Stan Lee or Steve Ditko or Jack Kirby) TO SHOW HIM OFF. Torment kills the Shocker. This doesn't make Torment look cool to me. It just screams I DUNNO HOW TO MAKE THIS NEW GUY LOOK COOL SO GOODBYE SHOCKER.
Torment kills Carl Brock, Eddie Brocks father. Yep he was killing people related to Peter Parker and Eddie Brock and now Mary Jane Watson. Woo, Shocker was somehow connected to her. Venom and Peter go to THE BAR WITH NO NAME. The bar where THE SCOURGE OF THE UNDERWORLD killed a bunch of goofy bad guys. Bullseye shows up and then Spider Man is like I LIKED HERMAN and Bullseye is fine and you can tell I stopped caring about this entire thing and I'm only three fucking parts into this nine part shit. Anyway they think Carnage is the killer and Bullseye goes for Tombstone and they talk about trying to kill Carnage. Woohoo. EDDIE CARNAGE finds out what Torment does. I guess they appeared in some story before this and I just do not care to read it. Eddie Carnage finally read the news and realized that Torment has pretty much killed his ENTRIE family efen great uncle Joe and is getting ready to kill his father! Oh man! Spider Man figures it out that EDDIE CARNAGE is now Eddie Brock and Carnage and that he didn't kill the Shocker, TORMENT did. Eddie thinks he hears his dad but it's Torment.
Torment and EDDIE CARNAGE fight and I just don't care about the set up, or the character of Torment. He's already so try hard that I'm bored to fucking tears by him. Torment uses the Shockers SHOCK THINGS and uh knocks out Eddie Carnage. He doesn't kill him because of reasons and leaves. So Spider Man can track THE SHOCKERS SHOCK THINGS and tracks Torment down but OH NO EDDIE BROCK IS KNOCKED OUT AND CARNAGE IS IN POWER NOW!!! Torment is totally doomed and I care so much! Some shit about Norman Osborne and Miles Morales happens and I just skipped it. I mostly skipped this. Torment gets away and tries to kill DYLAN BROCK, EDDIE'S KID!!!
Oh the Paul guy died. You know the guy who ended up dating Mary Jane and left Peter for and blah balh balh all that shit in the Zeb Wells stories. Everyone was happy about this it seems but I hate to be the party pooper. They will still keep Peter and MJ away from each other and it's no fun. Dylan has something called THE JACKPOT DEVICE and I just don't care. They don't even seem to be trying here. Blah blah Carnage and Torment become one and whatever. Torment isn't going to kill Peter Parker or Mary Jane before he can kill Aunt Anna and Aunt May and the rest of their families and you know this could be interesting if the build up was better and maybe if it was just Spider-Man trying to figure this out and Spider Man, Venom and Eddie Brock trying to keep Carnage at bay. Blah blah. Carnage somehow stops being Torment and Peter Parker saves his cousin. I don't know the whole story but apparently AUNT MAY has a secret about a cousin or another family member and WOW we get to tell that failed story FOR THE THIRD TIME. First with his parents that ended with them become robots in the most unsatisfying way and the second time when he had a secret sister that turned out not to be his sister but also happens to be his sister again and I just don't care.
Oh good Flash Thompson who they called in as Anti Venom showed up and beat up Torment. Woo. They stopped being connected and I get to the part that I thought was so stupid that I wanted to talk about happened where MARY JANE WATSON as VENOM kills Torment. I do not believe this character would do that and this would piss me off more but I just don't care anymore. These Spider-Man stories just feel like the editors of Spider Man rubbing dirt in my eye for having committed the horrible crime of enjoying something they didn't and if they can't have Spider-Man with Gwen Stacy then they will just ruin all the fucking characters.
You really need to let serialized characters grow a little bit but they really don't want to let Spider-Man grow a single little bit. This is the worst kind of story, the kind of story that just fucking hates you as a viewer. I'm going to go read some goofy ass comic from the 1970s to calm the fuck down.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Maybe if you let characters grow and tell new stories and not the same reheated OH NO PETER WAS A JERK TO AUNT MY BECAUSE OF SPIDER MAN STUFF the japanese and their MANGAS wouldn't be eating comics lunch. Oh, and this story was so insulting to me that I just didn't even finish the fucking thing and I rarely ever do that. Good job guys.
Ok, I just want to take this oppurtunity to complain about something (I WILL JOIN THE FUN). I really hate how they keep reseting the number counts to pump out more #1s and therefore more fake hype for comic sales. I always liked how Detective Comics, even though the publisher is hot ass, was at like #855 or something. But even they fucked with it and "RELAUNCHED" it at a #1 for a hot minute. At least they went back to it, of course to hit issue #1000.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile Marvel just burns through #1s and record pace and have their fuck you "LGY #XXX" tags on their books. Like, fuck you. The INCREDIBLE DEADPOOL SERIESES is at "legacy" like #350 or something. DIDYA KNOW a Deadpool bool never made it past issue #69... just to give you an idea of how my fucking times they stopped it and restarted it.
With that complaining out of the way, here's more Spiderman. And Venom! I always liked Venom but in recent ... decades... they have gotten really stupid with the character. There was a period where Flash Thompson was Venom but like, a military soldier Venom. And lol you mentioned Mary Jane Venom. And of course I am sure Aunt May Venom is coming eventually. Then there's all the rainbow of shitball Venom knockoffs. Like Carnage was cool (past tense) and then Maximum Carnage happened. Now there's like six of them.
I have only ever read Deadpool stuff and Joe Kelly's X-Men run as far as writing by him. The DP stuff was excellent and really kind of one in a million, but his X-Men stuff was... just ok. Apparently had bad editorial fuckery so oh well.
I would read FF if the Human Torch always had that gay mustache.
Anyway, this is what I was talking about. Eddie Brock is now Carnage. Shit like this ruined Venom. I 'member back in the 90s when Venom was a stable normal character. Dumb.
Why is 3,000 year old Aunt May dating anyone? Did they deage her to match the age of the movie Aunt May, aka mid 50s hot as nuts Marissa Tomei? Otherwise, dude, no, tell them to stop.
Torment reeks of COOL VILLIAN WHO IS COOL and not anything meaningful. That's what Marvel never seems to realize. Deadpool succeeded by not making him SUPER COOL and just making him flawed and human, but also funny. Having this Torment shithead is the opposite. Killing THE SHOCKER is so low stakes too. It's time to pack it up, Marvel. You got nothing.
Btw I didn't realize this is a VERY RECENT COMIC. I am used to you talking about comics from 1991, as it should be.
Oh lol they brought in FLASH THOMPSON VENOM. Seriously, when I mentioned the above in my AWESOME REPLY, I did not skip ahead and mentioned him to mention him. I actually bought FLASH VENOM comics so that's why he stuck out to me. Wow. Marvel does not disappoint except when it does which is always.
Lol they kill Torment off? ALREADY? Who is he anyway, let me guess, he's Uncle Ben Venom. YOU KNOW THEY'LL DO IT EVENTUALLY.
They really have no idea what they're doing. I apologize that you read this slop.
I think I have to read the rest of this story becuase they bring up torment's origin after this and t hen somehow brings him back as a teenage girl.
ReplyDeletehonestly I hate to say it because I kinda hate AI and hate talking about it because it's a thing that causes everyone to shit their pants and start screaming at each other but a story made by AI would probably be just as the same as thing. It feels very passionless which is a shame because as I said I really did like the Al Ewing other comics I read. Passionless until it's about MARY JANE and then they just want to SHIT ALL OVER THE CHARACTER. Honestly Uncle Ben Venom would be hilariously what the fuck and probably better than "oh yeah just have him be a teenage girl now somehow"
I will go back to reviewing older stuff. the next comics are from like 1973-1974 and 1989.
I too miss when titles were like #402 it made it feel special and something about them trying to make it BOTH numbers is like them trying to have it both ways and i dont like it.
What the fuck, Torment is a teenage girl? Oh ffs GIVE IT UP MARVEL. I know I dog DC all the time but don't think for a second that I hold Marvel up as the GALLANT of the GALLANT AND GOOFUS of big comic publishers. THEY ARE BOTH GOOFUSES.
DeleteYeah I don't like AI either but this story sounds like AI slop. I would love to send you back in time a year so you could say HEY RANDOM PEOPLE WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS STORY THAT'S ACTUALLY MADE BY AI AND NOT BY PEOPLE A FEW MONTHS FROM NOW? They would believe it.
Excellent, those are good years to find comics to review.
Torment is a guy with a family he loves but he kills other families and hopes other people will be happy because of that because of the pressure families put on those people. it's a really shit backstory to you know show AFTER the character dies.
Deletethe original torment somehow inspires his teenager sister to get in on what it happens, and i'm not even talking about a late teenager, I'm talking about like a 13 year old AT BEST. I'm lolling at venom kicking the crap out of THE NEW TORMENT
Editorial should just admit they lost and bring back Mary Jane and Peter.
Also the writers need to put uh effort into the stories.
Lol that is somehow worse than Torment being just a teenage girl. Holy fuck they are out of ideas. TIME FOR BRAND NEW NEW DAY (just in time for the new movie with just one NEW) and REBOOT EVERYTHING BACK TO NORMAL.
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