Ranking and Reviewing THE MOST IMPORTANT CINEMA OF ALL TIME.

 

I had fun ranking and reviewing the A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and SCREAM films. I also wanted to do another one before this but I will have to start over with that series of films. I WILL KEEP SECRET ABOUT WHAT IT IS BECAUSE SECRETS ARE FUN. At least when I am the secret holder! When it's portnoyd they are scary and annoying! Anyway we are ranking and reviewing an INCREDIBLE amount of motion pictures today. I am not doing two parts because THAT'S FOR WIMPS. SO BUCKLE YOUR SWEET ASSHOLES IN BECAUSE  YOU'RE GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE. This is IMPORTANT and SERIOUS so get yourself some WATER and CLEAN PANTS because some of these rankings may MAKE YOU POOP YOURSELF!!!

So what are we ranking today? The 1980s cartoon movie. The movie based on cartoon series I mean. You would be thinking oh, like Transformers and GI Joe? Yes. BUT THERE WERE MORE THAN THAT. You want the list! TOO BAD! READ THIS SHIT TO GET THE LIST! I'm not spoiling this shit for you baby boy! We are doing this the HARD WAY. THE ONLY WAY. THE CLAWX WAY. So you BUCKLE IN YOUR CLEAN PANTS (and take a second pair just in case!!)  Oh and don't expect much boring shit like me going over how these movies were made to make money off young children like im some youtube video essayist. NEWSFLASH ASSHOLE every fucking thing you watch is made to make money! GET BENT! CAPITALISM BEAT YOUR COMMIE ASSES! 

One final thing, I couldn't find RoboTech the Movie because I don't think it was even ever put on VHS. I didn't watch every compilation movie. Thundercats had two, Defenders of the Earth had one, MASK had one, I wanted this to be readable for LINCOLN BRYANT who gets tired after 6,000 words so I had to cut SOME FAT. This is just a pretty large selection of the movies that were made from 80s Cartoon Shows. 

 

 It hurts me to put this last, because I did enjoy watching this. It's just that it's just random episodes of the tv show and I just can't put that any place but last. The rest of these at least put pen or pencil to paper or used a typewriter or whatever to write a script with a beginning middle and end. It didn't even pick episodes to put together that worked at as a movie like Jem or Inhumanoids or Thundercats. No, this just picked random episodes. Sure I like the cartoon but I'm trying to think how I'd feel if I went to see this in the theatre to get like maybe 10 mintues of new footage. It's 73 minutes of reused stuff you could easily still see on TV. It's fun stuff that I enjoyed watching. I love Heathcliff's little laugh and how he will fuck literally anyone up, including his owner. Don't get in his way. He's a boss. It's just uh, it's not an actual movie so it HAS to go here, even if it was less annoying thant the Smurfs and way less boring than Liberty and the Littles. Plus it let's Portnoyd be ANTI-HEATHCLIFF like the MONSTER he is. 

 

 This was the one I was really least interested in watching. You see I call this 'forced edutainment". When I was a kid a children's station around here would should the Charlie Brown specials, all 92 trillion of them (along side the short lived two season tv show the Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show). One I remember was about World War I and II it started about the USUAL CHARLIE BROWN SHINANIGANS and then just started talking about stuff related to those wars. I know Charles Shulz fought in those wars and was probably proud of that special but man It wasn't one I liked watching. That's for sure. I'm not totally against edutainment. I'm sure I learnt things from Mr Rogers, Mr. Dressup (think Canadian Mr. Rogers) and Sesame Street. I'm just against shoving educational things into something like The Littles. The Littles was a short lived cartoon about Little elf chipmunk people living in the house of HENRY BIGG that somehow ended up with a movie and this special which was movie length and was on the ABC Weekend Special (yes that's where Capt Readmore the pirate Cat came from. I know about the recesses of your mind!). This one ends up taking place in the Statue of Liberty and some French Littles are under the FASCIST control of THE GENERAL. The Littles save the day and somehow a magician person and his crow try to destroy the Statue of Liberty but you could also take that entire segment out of this. I'm pretty sure it was there to make sure this was the length the ABC WEEKEND SPECIAL people wanted it to be. This is honestly boring despite being kinda weird at times. I also didn't really learn anything new about liberty and I doubt any child would have either which makes it kind of a failure in my eyes. Also the dad Little reminds of Mr. Kelly my hated teacher from the fifth and seventh grade (I had him for Seventh Grade twice and I'm going to tell you THE FART STORY because fuck it I don't really care and it's my shitty craphole place on the internet to post whatever the hell I want too. Anyway this was after I had stopped being friends with my SHITTY BULLY FRIEND and after I had failed the Seventh grade and I was hoping to make friends with someone new and maybe be more popular. The ENTIRE class was in the Library and well something made me blow wind. and not a small fart, like the worst damn fart I could do anyway. It was already embarrassing enough having everyone look at me and then MR KELLY comes over and literally forces me out of the door and tells me to go use the washroom. I have no idea what he expected me to do. Force out a shit? I really don't know. I'm pretty sure I did the whole walk around the school thing I would do whenever I went to use the bathroom. I did that for like years. If my class took place on the top of the building I'd walk all the way down to the bottom to use the bathroom. and Vice Versa. I didn't make friends with anyone because of what would later be known as anxiety but I still hate Mr. Kelly for that and other things. Petty yeah, but I don't give a shit.  YOU BETTER COMMENT ON THE FART STORY PORTNOYD. Did you have any Teachers you hated? Did you have hall monitors in your schools? It was weird.). This is one of those weird movies that if I were to explain it all to you you'd go "wtf" but if you were to watch it you'd honestly be kind of bored and I just don't care to say any more about this movie. This is the worst paragraph I have ever written.

 Dead fucking last is the Smurfs, which really is a shame because I like the Smurfs. The Smurfs are nice little creatures who just want to live life. That's it. The Smurfs really could have made a fun 1980s cartoon movie. I'm sure of it. However what we got was a 1975 film repacked in 1983. You are told the Smurfs are the main characters but that is a fucking god damned lie. The Main characters are Peewee (originally known as Peewit) and Johann (originally known as I don't give a shit) and the find a Magical Flute. Said flute is stolen by some fat asshole. Yeah the SMURFS movies big bad guy is not Gargamel but some fat asshole. He ends up teaming up with another fat asshole. Anyway the Magical flute can make people dance so the fat asshole uses it to steal stuff. Peewee and Johann meet some wizard that informs them of the Smurfs. around the 35 MINUTE MARK OF A FUCKING 73 MINUTE MOVIE. The Smurfs sing and then help to make another magical flute and then sing some more. They literally just do that. I can totally see a family going to see this and then their kids being pissed off and the family having to go to McDonalds or Toys R Us. I know I would be pissed off. The Smurfs barely do anything to help Peewee and Johann and Peewee is an annoying little shit and Johann has no fucking personality. This movie was a unwashed turd and Hanna Barbera should have been like DAMNIT PEYO THIS SHIT SUCKS LET US MAKE A MOVIE THAT ACTUALLY HAS THE SMURFS IN IT THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME. Shit ass garbage.

 

Oh hey, it's The Jetsons, I'm sure portnoyd will be like THE JETSONS WAS 1960S despite the fact it had a 1980s revival which has 51 episodes (the original show only had like 24 lol) it feels like this was the sendoff to the whole thing. it was originally going to be put out in 1989 only two years after the revivals end. They ended up putting out in 1990 and THE WIZARD replaced it. The Wizard is a better movie than this. You should all know that despite having a lot of fondness and love for Hanna and Barbera and their cartoons I just never cared about the Jetsons (oir the Flintstones) and I really do not care about this movie very much. It has one scene that I like of a song being sung by Judy Jetson (played by Tiffany, yes the I THINK WERE ALONE NOW girl) and that's about it. Tiffany replacing the original actress was a big thing back then. A lot of people didn't like it. I don't blame them. She's fine when it comes to singing but as a voice actress she's kinda hot ass. This movie also has the lowest stakes of any of the movies. George Jetson is sent to a new Spacely's Sprocket plant that's being seeing trouble. Elroy uh has his baseketball team (and he has this movie called the ELROY ELEVATOR which you'd think would come back to the plot near the end) and Judy has a boy. THEY HAVE TO LEAVE THEIR HOME so George can work on the new plant. The new plant is being sabotaged by some teddy bears alien creatures and they have to find a way to work with them. They start working with Spacely (they don't show how they can work with him but not destroy their houses. I guess they ran out of time/money or just didn't care) The Jetsons then go home. That's the plot. It's very dull. This was clearly like maybe a two part episode that was drug out to 82 minutes and it SHOWS. It is not fun to watch and I'm pretty sure I only saw it once before this maybe on tv. This was not something to watch in the theatre even at 1990 prices, or even rent. It was a "yeah lets watch it on TV I guess" kinda thing. The Jetsons suck and so does this movie. Oh, it also has a weird enviromental thing. At least it feels like they were trying to go for that but someone cut a bunch of it out and it just feels off. Still I'd watch this 30 times over The Smurfs movie because at least The Jetsons are the heroes of this damn story and do more than jump around and fucking dance. 

 

There are three things the fan bases of things have pretty much ruined for me. One is Rick and Morty. I saw a few episodes but the second I saw that video where people freaked out in a McDonalds I ran the other direction. Shame because those episodes were pretty good. (I saw a later episode and the show decided to crawl inside its own asshole and huff smugness so I don't really feel that bad that I still can't watch it). The other one is Star Wars (it doesn't help that most of the Star Wars content that isn't the original trilogy ranks from mediocre to fucking terrible but most of the fans are really terrible. The last one is My Little Pony. The first My Little Pony show I watched was the one that became INSANELY popular with dudes. I thought it was fun and cute and very entertaining. Then came the bronies and let's just say I ran the other direction and never watched another second of that version of My Little Pony. However bronies really kinda have soured all My Little Pony stuff for me. I probably should enjoy this more than I do but I just felt it was kinda boring and the only characters I liked where the Witch voiced by Cloris Leachman and the daughters voiced by Madeline Kahn and Rhea Pearlman. Also Danny DeVito and Tony Randall show up. These movies had some wild voice cast choices. I really don't know whos the craziest pick. This movie also has the WORST songs from all of them. Holy shit there's only one that sticks in my head. It's still better than the last few movies but I can't put it any higher than 2.5 stars and in 17th place! Things get much better from here though!

 Babar was a 1989 animated series that ran from 1989 to like i dunno 1993? I don't care enough to look it up honestly. It was based around the books by an old dead guy. From France. It was the definition of OK. You wouldn't be sad if you missed it because you went out somewhere and you wouldn't turn off the Super Nintendo to watch it but you still ended up seeing like all of the episodes. Even the episodes from the revival series from 2000. It was inoffensive and all I really remember about it was the theme music which was pretty great. The cartoon and this movie were made by Nelvana a Canadian Animation company so Canadians voiced Babar. Gordon Pinsent was one of them. He voiced Babar! He was also born in Newfoundland. He was also in the cinematic masterpiece Blacula. This movie would probably be up higher if I watched it earlier but after watching like all of the top 10 and even the movies above this it shows that it's just at best is okay. I also remember this VHS tape becuase it was at every Video Rental Store around here. It has some pretty good animation and the plot is fine, Babar and his future wife save people from Rataxas king of the Rhinos. It's just not as memorable as pretty much any movie that comes after this one. This is the point where the movies get pretty great. I will say I like the animation it has this weird comforting vibe to it and the way they draw old elephants is pretty amazing. Who knows I might even end up watching this again. I dunno.

 

Go Bots are unfairly considered a Transformers ripoff. They came first. Like Heathcliff. It does not matter that Transformers beat their asses in with a better cartoon or better toys or whateer. They showed up FIRST. By like a year or so! Or at least a few months! I mean Transformers had like Marvel behind them writing the backstory and everything and Go Bots just feels like a ripoff. It's weird though. I do like the Go-Bots because well I like transforming giant robots and I don't care where they come from. From Japan or Hanna Barbera. This one has Kojak, Lois Lane and Cesar from Planet of the Apes voicing the Go-Bots. Margot Kider seems SO bored but Telly Savalas is clearly having fun. I get the feeling he had a grandchild that was into Go-Bots or something. I dunno. I'm not his biographer. This one involves the new TOYS  Characters the Rock Lords. They could transform into rocks. Kinda uh, silly but they look cool so they are much better than Headmasters. I will never like the Headmasters. The EVIL Rock Lord TELLY SAVALAS wants the sceptres of the other Rock Lords so they can combine them into one GIANT EVIL SCEPTRE and LEADER 1 (what a terrible name) and CY-KILL (what a great name) try to stop him and also screw him over. It's a simple story. I just find it pretty charming. I love the designs of the Go-Bots. And the Rock Lords and all of it. I like how the "cute" Go-Bot Scooter literally looks like he's always high. At least when he's smiling. I like the look of CY-KILL and I love the look of the angry transgender Go-Bot Crasher. Seriously look at her and tell me she's not that. So yeah, This is fun stuff and I'll probably watch it again. You can sass the Go-Bots all you want but they did not get FUCKED IN THE ASS SEVERAL TIMES by MICHAEL BAY. That's pretty good you know.

 

Here Comes the Littles is probably the most obscure of the movies I'll be talking about today. Like It amazed me when I found out there was ONE Littles movie. When I found out a second movie I think I pooped myself a little. It was that amazing. Anyway The Littles were the stories of a group of little elf chipmunk people that would have adventures and be friend a child named Henry Bigg. Yes. That's his last name. Anyway this was the origin story for the Littles. It showed how they met Henry Bigg. This movie takes place in like one place pretty much. It takes place in AUGUSTUS BIGG's house. He has taken control of Henry's house after his parents went missing. He faked being his caretaker and faked owning his brothers house. Augustus is a gross looking old man, probably born in like 1900. He looks like someone straight out of a Charles Dickens novel which is pretty great. I also love how they make his house feel like the oldest, shittiest house they could animate. God bless the Japanese. I will kiss every Japanese person who worked on this movie. on the mouth. sexually. This is a pretty fast paced story that has a good amount of laugh out loud moments. It's a pretty fun watch and I recommend it. It's on Youtube for anyone whos interested. A vhs release and a ORIGINAL REELS SHOWN IN THEATRES version. I have seen both. Yes, I've watched Here Comes the Littles twice. I am really cool. 

 The last film in the Care Bears Movie trilogy. Yes, the Care Bears Movie trilogy. I will state the obvious fact that it is better than the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy. Oh, what you thought the obvious fact was "THEY MADE THREE OF THEM?" Yes. Care Bears were popular as hell in the 1980s. They still are forty years later. I had tons of Care Bears from when I was a WEE LITTLE BABE that I kept for a long time. Sadly I do not have them any more. I loved the TV series, the first two movies and some other stuff. I did not like this movie the first time I saw it. I don't know why. I remember renting it because it was from a Blockbuster away from where we usually go. You remember that Calvin and Hobbes strip that is just about Calvin hoping his life stories don't become rambling messes after listening to his dad. I always think of that strip whenever I mention some dumb thing like renting this movie from a Blockbuster we didn't go to regularly. Anyway I re-watched it several times recently enough and it's a pretty enjoyable ride. They go to Wonderland but it totally feels like a different Wonderland than Disney's version. The songs are really nice and several of them are now stuck in my head. They might be there a while so I'm glad I like them. Speaking of the music Grumpy Bear raps at the end. I'm at least calling it a rap. Its close enough for me. It's the best white person rap of all time. The animation is pretty good from us BEAUTIFUL CANADIANS and the voice acting is great. I really enjoyed rewatching this one again and will probably do it again in the future because I am a cool guy.

 

Hey. I said I was gonna watch as many 80s cartoon movies as I could and I'm standing by that fact. Another fact is that GIRLY CARTOONS ARE FUCKING AWESOME. Rainbow Brite has a friend named Twink and that made me laugh because well I'm sure you can find out why. So what is Rainbow Brite about? It's the story of Rainbow Brite, she has awaken from her winter slumber to start up spring only to find out someone is trying to take over the crystal planet that helps change seasons (I don't know???) and she has to find out whats up with that. I also loved her friend and his robotic horse. Mostly the cool cyborg horse, her friend was kind of a whiny shit. The bad guy they have to stop, a Princess who wants to take over the crystal planet and own it ofr herself because she's a greedy bitch is fucking hilarious. She's kinda like some valley girl who's an evil princess. The bad guys from the usual show (I'm guessing, I never saw it) Murky and Lurky are a lot of fun. I really have to give it to this movie because they literally blow the bad guy the fuck up at the end. Seriously. It's kind of hilarious how hardcore Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer gets. It's a fun time from the past. It also has a VERY space anime feeling because well it was animated by Tokyo Media Shinsha I think. They worked with DIC a lot. I am too lazy to look that up for real. Anyway this is a fun movie and you get to hear the heavenly voice of Charlie Adler!

 

 

 This cartoon lasted 15 episodes but you knew it was working up to be a HUGE HIT. First off done by the same people who did Transformers, GI Joe and Jem. Secondly it's about GIANT MONSTERS. The problem was some parents who brought it upon themselves to raise everyones children instead of just their own were like NO THIS CARTOON IS TOO SCARY FOR MY LITTLE BILLY and bam, it was gone. I remember bringing this up to portnoyd once and he was like THAT WASNT REAL JERK and well PORTNOYD IT IS REAL. SO YOU SHUT YER MOUTH. anyway I first heard of these guys sometime as an adult when I saw the toys and SHIT MY PANTS. Tendrill, D'Compose and Metlar are the COOLEST TOYS FROM THE 1980S. I will own them. So the movie itself is pretty awesome but the problem is the heroes might just be the most boring heroes of any 1980s cartoon, only like one of them was any fun to watch. A character named Augger or something like that who's personality trait was IM ANGRY which was really funny to me. The plot of this movie MIGHT be the craziest one. I might do a full review of this movie so I can talk about everything wild that happens in this movie. The plot starts with the Inhumanoids D'Compose and Tendrill wake up and then go off to save Metlar their boss. Metlar then wants to turn the world into a fucking shithole covered in molten lava. He steals a bunch of missiles from THE COMMIES and then the quickest OH SHIT WE NEED TO HURRY UP AND FINISH THIS STORY WITHIN THE TIME WE HAVE and I mean so much shit happens in like the last 5 minutes that it probably could have been an entire episode of this show! It was nuts. Anyway this is pretty great.

 

 I fucking love Alvin and the Chipmunks.  I would watch them all the damn time as  a child. YTV showed reruns all the time. I've seen every episode of The Chipmunks Go To the Movies. No one has done that. The wacky antics of Alvin, Simon, Theodore and the Chipettes will never ever not amuse me. Also someone showed me a picture of Irma from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Jeanette together and I was AMAZED. They are literally the same character. Somehow Jeanette was transformed into a human being and became friends with April O Neil. No rest for Jeanette/Irma as she had to put up with another group of wacky rascals! Anyway this movie is fantastic. It's very funny, really well animated and has the gayest animated character of all time (the bad guy of the duo. holy hell he has clearly fucked many mens assholes). This is an adventure around the world to bring diamonds to smugglers. Yeah, they just made any old plot they wanted to for these movies and IT WAS AWESOME. I don't know if this movie or a movie above has the best music but this one is incredible! INCREDIBLE! There is also a group of villagers that look like white dudes but sound like stereotypical Asian men. They really like the song Wooly Bully. They call it Woory Burry. It's very weird.  they might have been supposed to be Peruvian or something. Do they sound like stereotypical Chinese guys as played by Mickey Rooney????? I will never know because I will never go to Peru (sorry Peru) 

 Tex Hex reminds me of my uncle. Which I think is pretty cool. My Uncle is a pretty nice man and would not approve of what Tex Hex gets up to in this movie. Did you know that Tex Hex was originally a bad guy for the Ghostbusters cartoon with the Ape? Yep. but LOUIE S head of Filmmation was like this guy is too cool to waste as a random henchmen and he was right! Well sorta right. They made this entire cartoon to try to sell to Mattel and they did, but the original starting point was to use Tex Hex in something more than Ghostbusters But With An Ape. This cartoon was not a very big hit. The toy line came out first and the children of the 1980s had no idea who BraveStarr was. By the time the cartoon came out, Mattel had stopped caring. This movie was supposed to come out first but somehow ended up coming out last. This was the second to last thing Filmation ever made. They even closed their doors after making this. Somehow the movie Happily Ever After, their Snow White movie came out nearly a decade later after it should have in like 1994 or 1995. It's a pretty entertaining little movie in my mind. So is BraveStarr The Movie AKA BraveStarr the Legend. This movie really shows what Filmation could do when they had a budget over 6 cents. I love the designs of all the characters and the backgrounds and even a lot of the animation. Filmation was known for being cheap as hell but I do respect LOUIE S for wanting to keep American animators with jobs. The plot of this movie is pretty wild. First off it starts off in space with a Native American shaman who jettisons a child in a pod out in to the DEPTHS OF SPACE so that STAMPEDE cannot find him. That child ends up becoming BRAVESTARR. We see the origin of TEX HEX and some other character who I will call JOURNALIST BOB because I think he's a Journalist. He flies around in some kind of FANCY SPACE WHEELCHAIR and it rules. His daughter is a FEISTY WOMAN named JB who is the new judge of SPACE TEXAS and even gets into a relationship with BRAVESTARR. They are being harassed by Stampede's goons and BRAVESTARR has to stop them. We meet THIRTY THIRTY the SAUCY talking horse and all the characters from the show in a really fun little piece of animation. It does a very good job of getting you up to speed for the show. I wish it had worked out better for ol' Marshall BraveStarr.

 

 This is the movie that brought SHE RA into the Masters of the Universe uh universe. It starts off with new bad guy Hordak (one of the few He-Man related figures I had as a kid) kidnapping She-Ra. He Man finally finds out from the Sorceress and they end up going to the world of Etheria to find her. I mean Sorceress doesn't actually tell him that this person he has to go look for is his sister or even what she might look like. Just that the sword will know who it is. He has to find out shes his sister the hard way. The Sorceress is kind of a jerk. Anyway this show also brings in the She-Ra cast and they get to do enough stuff that makes you want to now tune into She-Ra. You get a lot of great Skeletor moments even though he's not in it enough. Hordak is a lot of fun and so are the new bad guys. There's not much to say here except that again Filmation could really do good work when given a budget more than 2 nickels. Also this one ends hilariously quickly just like the Inhumanoids did. It's very amusing. If you like He-Man you'll like this and if you don't like He-Man, why the fuck are you even reading this stupid blog you moron?

 The Care Bears Movie is awesome! I watched this one quite a bit as a kid. There was one scene where the little girl character the Care Bears have to show how to CARE again is clapping her hands and it looked like she was mentally challenged. My sister and I being SAUCY CHILDREN would go wild making fun of that scene. We were jerks. Anyway this time the Care Bears have to stop a MAGICAL BOOK and a boy named Nicholas. The way the book says Nicholas is one of the creepiest damn things on the planet. I've seen 283420890 horror films but somehow the creepiest things are still that voice and the theme song to Are You Afraid of the Dark?. Speaking of Are You Afraid of the Dark? this movie was animated in Canada and every Care Bear was voiced by Canadians except for I think Georgia Engel who played Ted Baxter's girlfriend in the Mary Tyler Moore Show. I like that I know that but if you asked me what the question to some algebra question I'd probably just have a heart attack and die to get out of answering. Mickey Rooney also voiced the grown up Nicholas. I'M SORRY I SPOILED THE CARE BEARS MOVIE FOR YOU BUT I KNOW YOU'D NEVER WATCH IT BECAUSE IT'S GIRLY. I AM A GIRLY MAN AND I AM PROUD. GIRLS RULE. This movie has some great music and I like it a lot. I will sometimes watch the songs on YouTube because again I'm very cool. I get laid every 32 seconds.

 I wish I had seen this cartoon as a child because it's fucking AMAZING. I would have watched so much of Jem it probably would have made people puke. I don't give a shit, girl cartoons rule. I was already considered the weird kid so why the fuck should I try to PLAY BY THE SCHOOLYARD RULES. I mean I'd never mention I'd watch them. I had enough social skills to understand that but I would have watched this as much as the Care Bears Movie and The Good The Bad and the Huckleberry Hound (if portnoyd is not good I will rate and review every Hanna Barbera movie, in fact I just might do it anyway!). I only watched the most respectable of cinema at five years old. Anyway this story starts off with the characters at a Funeral. Yep. Jerrica and Kimber's dad uhhh Henry Howard died. I don't know the characters name. We meet Eric Raymond who is voiced by Charlie Adler and just sounds like a normal man. Wild. He wants to run Starlight Music. The Misfits (the superior Misfits, they are better than the actual real life band and no I won't take that back) cause a ruckus and when Jerrica finds out they are being supported by Starlight Music she goes to Eric Raymond. They have a bet if Jerrica's band wins she gets Starlight Music but if she doesn't he gets it. Also if they win BATTLE OF THE BANDS some BILLIONAIRE will just give them a fucking house! Wild! Eric Raymond and the Misfits literally do EVERY EVIL THING UNDER THE SUN to keep them from winning. Oh and Jerrica is Jem becuase of a weird HOLOGRAM MACHINE that CREATES HOLOGRAMS that HENRY HOWARD created made her into Jem. This cartoon was fucking wild and I love it. The only problem is that this has some really bad animation. You can tell they put more money into Inhumanoids but enough people loved it that it got 3 seasons and 65 episodes. So it's all good in the hood. Jem is TRULY OUTRAGEOUS!

 

 We are finally getting to the stuff Portnoyd has seen. Portnoyd is INCREDIBLY GAY for GI JOE. Portnoyd would have HOT SEX with EVERYONE in GI JOE and COBRA. Portnoyd is a man whore for GI JOE. MAN WHORE. So this movie is where GI Joe gets really weird. So this movie has Serpentor try to put Cobra Commander on trial. He is found to be guilty. Some random SNAKE LADY shows up and she is working with Golan-Globus voiced by Burgess Meredith. Burgess is probably the most early 20th century name ever. Burgess Meredith is clearly having the time of his life voicing this character. So they end up teaming up with these guys to take over the damn world. THE ENTIRE WORLD. GI Joe has to stop this. The best part with like the next few movies is that despite the casts being LARGE AS FUCK, every single character gets to do something. The best part are with the RHYMING BLACK MAN ROAD BLOCK and Cobra Commander having to escape and Cobra Commander is turning into a snake (yes i told you it's weird). Oh and Cobra Commander was originally apart of Golan-Globus' community. These two together are incredibly funny. Also Sgt Slaughter despite sounding like a drunk mentally challenged man is one of the best parts of this movie. I love him so much. Anyway GI Joe clearly deserves a spot in the top 5 and thus it gets it. It's pretty wild how I did not watch this as a child. 

 Here it is. This is the movie I have seen the most in my entire life. I do not know how many times I saw this movie but it was a lot. I'm pretty sure my parents would just ask the video store clerk at KELLY'S VIDEO to not return it as they were going to end up watching the Care Bears fight Dark Heart (aka Satan) a 12 year old boy for the 49205th time. Anyway this is mostly nostalgia talking because If we are going ot be honest it seems the first movie and the third movie are better told stories. The Care Bears start out as babies in this movie and then are fully grown to fight Dark Heart at the end. It never tells you how long this takes either. It's very weird. Maybe they were getting ready to create BABY CARE BEARS for the toy line but gave up and it's still in the movie. I don't know but it's honestly kinda weird. I would love to ask the people who wrote these cartoons so many questions. They would probably get like several restraining orders against me. It's sad how THE HOLLYWOOD ELITE treat their fans. Anyway one of the best parts of this movie is Dark Heart. I don't know whos voicing him but they are giving it their all. He always dresses in red and when he turns into animals they are always red. I like to think he is Satan and the LOVE OF THE CARE BEARS DESTROYED SATAN because that's really really really funny. If i'm being honest the plot of this one should probably have it near the bottom becuase it's kinda all over the place but fuck you it's my list and you can suck my nads. THIS IS MY GAME OF DISAPPEARING BEARS AND YOUR GONNA HAVE TO PLAY IT. Also the movie gets children to scream I CARE I CARE at the end and yes this forty year old child did in fact start saying I CARE I CARE. I also believe it was in the middle of the night so I could have woken up my elderly parents BUT DAMNIT I CARE ABOUT THE CAMP CHAMP!!!

 I want to visit the alternative reality where this movie was a success. Not only were they planning to do sequels to it but you know they would have tried to make Rescue Rangers, TaleSpin and Darwking Duck. It would be beautiful. I would have went into that reality and stole those movies for all of the nice readers of this blog to watch. Still, the one movie we do have is pretty excellent, seeing as it gets the second spot out of twenty. That's pretty damn good for Scrooge McDuck and the gang. Every character in this movie gets something funny or awesome to do. It's very aware that some weird little kid's favorite was Huey even though Huey Dewey and Louie were not very different from each other but they still gave Huey some shit to do. It's nice. Even Ms Beakley and Duckworth get things to do. It's incredibly animated, but then again Disney put in like 20 million into this movie. It's really good. Also for like my entire life I thought Robin Williams voiced the Genie in this movie but no one really cared about that. It turns out it was the older, gayer but not hairier Robin Williams, Rip Taylor. I have not seen any other Rip Taylor movies to my knowledge. I don't even know why I called him a gayer Robin Williams. Then Again it's kind of a puzzle to know me or read anything I write. Sometimes I just stop a thought in mid sentence. It's pretty wild but I think kinda fun to piece to gether what I actually meant to say. I'm a puzzle but also once you figure said puzzle out you do go why the hell did I do that? and go do something else. This movie also has great music, but orchestral kinda stuff. Christopher Lloyd does a great job as the bad guy and really should have voice acted more. I'm going to be very sad when Christoper Lloyd passes away. He was only in 420592054920492049204 movies that I love.

 I think the Transformers might be the most well made 80s cartoon series. Not my favorite (that would be a tie between the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Real Ghostbusters). I get the feeling the people behind it really liked the whole idea. I could be wrong. Maybe it just felt like a chore and they'd rather be working at Marvel Comics. I have never spoken to any of these people. It's just this show had the best worldbuilding and backstory and all that of all the shows. If a person wanted too they really could make a good series of movies out of this show. Since I only even saw the 1980s Transformers in reruns I never did see this movie or I think even the third season until I was an adult. Legally an adult I mean. I saw this in 2005. I'm pretty sure it made me check out the show again and even see the third season.  I thought it was awesome. The 4-5 year olds who saw it in the theatre because they wanted to see their robot friends have a fun adventure did not. They murder the SHIT out of an insane amount of Transformers. It's kind of amazing how graphic this movie is (did you know they were going to kill Duke in GI Joe until the outcry from this movie happened). I just happened to really enjoy the new characters. Arcee, one of like I dunno 3 lady Transformers. Grumpy old man Kup (I love grumpy old men). Ultra Magnus and Rodimus Prime. I never got the hatred for Rodimus. He was just trying to warn Optimus! He's also voiced by Bender from the Breakfast Club! Judd Nelson is a cool guy! The rest of the cast is great too. Leonard Nimoy, Orson Welles, Lionel Strander and ROBERT STACK. Yes, the Unsolved Mysteries guy was a fucking Transformer! I get the feeling that a grandchild of his got him to do this movie! The music in this movie is amazing. The Touch is an 80s classic (Stan Bush rules! HE EVEN DID MUSIC FOR SAILOR MOON! THAT'S HOW COOL HE IS!) The Transformers theme by Lion is cool as fuck (even if they say UNICORN instead of UNICRON in the song!) and it even has music by Weird Al! The plot is pretty good, it brings the Transformers back to Cybertron and outer space to fight UNICRON voiced by Orson Welles. He's really good in the movie even if he did not care about doing it. If you are reading this you probably have already seen this movie but you really should watch it again. It rules!!!

 

You know whats weird about all this, the 1990s did this too but like halfed. They had a few compliation tapes made into movies and like I think two or three actual movies. We are going to look at one of those movies tomorrow or whenever I feel like it. Soon, but who knows if it's tomorrow or not. Anyway catch ya later!